When you’re coping with heartbreak, you need warmth and simplicity. These words of comfort and simple tips on how to mend a broken heart will help you heal. Here, you’ll discover how to walk away from a relationship that you thought would always be there.
“My boyfriend is emotionally unavailable and struggles with alcoholism,” says Miranda on How to Let Go of Someone You Love. “Since the start it’s been a completely unhealthy relationship and I never felt loved or secure. But we have lots of history, we’ve known each other since we were young. He can be so nice and sweet and make me laugh more than anyone ever could. But I know it’s not enough. I know we need to break up but how do I stop crying? I feel like my life is slipping away and I’m getting nowhere so I have to let him go. What advice do you have about how to mend a broken heart?”
You have to hold on to your belief that this relationship had to end, even though it’s breaking your heart. Have faith that your life had to take this turn, and one day you will wake up with a lighter heart and softer spirit. Trust God that this breakup was exactly what you needed, and you may never learn exactly how to mend a broken heart…but you will survive. Because you are stronger than you think and wiser than you know.
How to Mend a Broken Heart
We have to go down before we can go up. So, know that:
“ Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let anything stand in your way.” – Janet Fitch.
Part of being human is having a broken heart. We all have holes in our souls, and there is no single comfort food or tip on how to mend a broken heart that will fix the angst that comes with simply being alive.
That’s depressing, isn’t it? But it’s the truth. There is a great deal of beauty and goodness in the world, and I am a joyful person. But I also believe that we all live with broken hearts. Being in a relationship might distract us, but only for a little while. Being in love is awesome, but love fades and changes.
Being broken-hearted is a temporary condition. Don’t let it stand in your way of being happy, healing, and whole. Don’t let your broken heart stop you from Blossoming into the woman God created you to be.
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1. Stop thinking “if only I had…”
You may have tons of regrets.
“If only we didn’t break up, if only I felt better about myself, if only I had more money, if only I lived in Canada, if only I wasn’t 38, if only my mother didn’t do that…” You’re not alone – everyone has “if onlys.” I’ve got heaps of ‘em, and all they do is hold me back. Part of the grief process after a relationship ends is not allowing the “if onlys” to overtake your life.
“You basically have two choices: learn to like your current circumstances or change them,” writes Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D. in Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life. She explains that learning to like your circumstances involves changing your actions or thoughts to be happier. Or, change your circumstances by getting a new job, a new place to live, a new lifestyle, or new friends. In the aftermath of a breakup, learning how to mend a broken heart is about living with grief until you find the wisdom that comes with growth and healing.
2. Find healthy ways to comfort and console yourself
You’re wounded. You are sad and scared and bewildered. You can’t believe he broke up with you, and you think you’ll never get over him. Your heart is broken, your spirit crushed, your dreams shattered.
Give yourself time to grieve your loss. Don’t think about how to get over him or how to get him back. Just weep. Allow yourself to suffer. Something really bad happened to you – this breakup may be one of the hardest thing things you’ve ever faced. Don’t rush into healing or trying to get your ex-boyfriend back. Instead, just be sad. Comfort yourself like you would comfort a lonely little girl who was left out of a party. One of the best tips on how to heal from a broken heart is to be kind and gentle with yourself as you grieve.
3. Connect the only pure source of life, light, and love
Whether you believe in God, Jesus, or a more abstract Guiding Force in the Universe – connect with your higher power. Stop fearing and cursing the darkness…and start lighting your candles. The grief process after a relationship ends will lighten if you start journaling, meditating, praying, and reading books about finding and expressing the healthiest part of yourself. This will help strengthen your connection to the voice within. Spiritual exercise is like physical exercise; it strengthens your body and your relationship with Something Greater Than Yourself – who wants the best for you.
“It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness,” said Eleanor Roosevelt. When you’re mending a broken heart, you mustn’t wish it didn’t happen. Instead, find ways to heal and grow.
4. Take a break from relationships
Give yourself time to learn how to mend a broken heart. You probably won’t find the answers you need in a single article on healing after a breakup or even a dozen books on getting over the loss of a relationship. It takes time and self-care to heal. And, one of the most important components of self-care is space and freedom.
“Avoid going from one love relationship to another too quickly. Take some time to mend your heart – which means no dating and no sex for a number of months,” says psychologist and relationship coach Jan Hoistad, author of Romance Rehab: 10 Steps to Rescue Your Relationship. “Take this opportunity to learn about yourself, your part in the breakup, and about healthy love relationships in general. We often learn the most when we are in great pain. A broken heart can motivate us toward change if we don’t wallow in it or in self-pity.”
5. Don’t jump to conclusions about yourself
Right now, you and he aren’t meant to be together. Something happened to end your relationship. It’s not your fault that your boyfriend or husband wants to move on; it’s just the way things are. It’s not about your appearance, personality, job, clothes, or life goals. You and he simply aren’t a good fit.
Think about that for a second…do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t think you’re the right one for him? No, of course you don’t. You are hurt, but deep down you know you can’t be with a guy who doesn’t love you. You deserve more than that. Don’t rush into critical judgments about yourself, your personality, your body. Instead, heal your broken heart by refusing to accept false conclusions about yourself.
6. Pay attention to your heart, but don’t take its advice
On my article about recovering from broken promises in a relationship, Tam says she listened to her treacherous heart for far too long. She didn’t think she’d ever get over her boyfriend, so she stayed with him. Actually, she broke up with him and then took him back even though she knew it wasn’t the right thing to do.
“After four years, he cheated on me with a friend,” says Tam. “I ended the relationship, and he tried for four months to get back together. I took him back, even though everyone told me not to. Now, seven months later, I regret getting back with him. I still love him, but the trust is gone. I had a gut feeling he was cheating before, and I believe he’ll cheat again. But he is so convincing and manipulative that I stay.”
Tam said she wishes she would’ve stayed strong and not let her boyfriend work his way back into her life. But she got back together with him and she regrets it. She wishes she would’ve tried harder to learn how to mend a broken heart.
7. Avoid all contact with your ex
On 8 Signs He Doesn’t Love You Anymore Linda says, “I want to get my ex boyfriend back and I can’t stay off his Facebook page. He told me he doesn’t want me in his life. How do I cope with this? It hurts so bad. How do I get over him?”
Social media sites like Facebook and Twitter will make it more difficult to mend a broken heart. For instance, I’m friends on Facebook with my niece and ex-brother-in-law, and they sometimes mention my sister (who stopped talking to me about 10 years ago). I feel rejected, sad, and bad about myself when I hear news of my sister – especially when I’m on Facebook at night. That’s when my defenses are down, I’m tired and have no emotional resources left.
Eventually I realized the connection between Facebook and feeling depressed…so I stopped going on Facebook at night. Now, I log on to Facebook once every couple of months – and I don’t miss it! It was a scab that I finally stopped picking, and I’m much happier not getting new information about a family member who hurt me so badly.
How to Let Go of Someone You Love
I wrote How to Let Go of Someone You Love after my sister stopped talking to me. I was in so much pain – I couldn’t seem to let her go – so I interviewed counselors and grief experts on how to mend a broken heart.
The best way to get through something like the pain of heartbreak is to refuse to go through it alone. Instead of continuing to fight your way through the brambles and dark patches, take my hand. Let’s walk each other home.
May you find healing and comfort from your loved ones, pets, healthy activities, and God. I pray for strength, faith, and hope that surpasses all grief and pain that your relationship is over. I pray you stop searching for tips on how to mend a broken heart because you finally feel comfortable accepting and surrendering to your life as it is.
I hope these thoughts have given you a different perspective on mending your broken heart. I shared ideas for comforting yourself, giving yourself time to think, and paying attention to – but not following – your treacherous heart.
What is one word that describes how you feel right now? Tell me in the comments section below; you can write more than a word if you’d like. Sometimes it’s helpful to just bundle all your feelings into a word. Feel free to share your thoughts on these simple ways to mend a broken heart, and even your memories of your relationship. I can’t offer advice, but you may find it helpful to write.
How have you coped with breakups and loss in the past? Remembering how you survived and healed can help you move forward. And remember: as terrible as you feel right now, you could be trapped in a relationship with a man who refuses to love you and refuses to let you go.
Your thoughts on how to mend a broken heart are welcome below.