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How to Know When You’re in Love

If you’re asking “How do I know if I’m in love?”, you’ll find an answer here. These thoughts on love will help you figure out if you’re in love or if you need to keep looking for the right person.

Love is both simple and complicated, comforting and scary. On my article about letting go of someone you love, a reader shared these amazing thoughts on love.

“These days, a lot of people don’t know what love is because our culture does not teach it,” says Sasha. “What our culture pushes as romantic “love” is an emotional and sexual experience, the high, the feelings.  Infatuation, in other words.  Not love.”

She wrote so many wonderful insights on how to know what love is! Here’s most of what she wrote about how to know when you’re in love. To read everything she wrote, go to my article about letting go of love.

How to Know When You’re in Love

Guest Post – Sasha

The first step to knowing when you’re in love is learning what love is. What I’m telling you is ancient wisdom (you can go back to Shakespeare and sacred texts and find similar descriptions of love and what love is).  It is really regrettable that our culture does not teach this to young people because it would prevent so many heartaches and so much suffering. We all wonder how to know when you’re in love, but we aren’t taught to recognize it.

Love is not what you feel.  Love is what you DO. 


  • Seeks and acts for the highest good of the other
  • Is not self-oriented (concerned with me, my needs and my feelings) but other-oriented
  • Is “steady state” – the little annoyances just wash right over it, and the big conflicts do not destroy it
  • Is permanently rooted and anchored in commitment to the other and the relationship.
  • Is forgiving.
  • Is not needy and grasping and looking for lifelines; love is abundant, love gives and IS the lifeline.

True love endures.

When you have internalized a reality-based, truthful view of love, you will see that it gives you not only a useful guide to how to treat someone you want to be with, but also a looking-glass revealing you how you yourself are being treated.

If your relationship is not characterized by most of the above, then it is not love.  Either you (one or both of you) need to grow up and step it up if your best judgment is telling you that the relationship has potential to go the distance …. or you need to part ways. If you’ve been with someone for a long time and are still wondering how to know when you’re in love, then perhaps you aren’t experiencing mature love.

It is a very, very difficult thing to admit to yourself that something you thought was love was not.  I myself have been there, believe me.  But the honest self-assessment and the guts it took to admit the truth to myself was one of the biggest strides I took in self-improvement.  Because the very next questions I asked myself were, “If it wasn’t love, then what the heck was it, how did it happen and how can I avoid repeating this painful mistake in the future?”  All of which launched me on a profound journey of learning and valuable insight.

For more tips on how to know when you’re in love, read Why Do People Fall in Love?

How Do You Know When You’re in Love?

Love is maturity, and maturity is essential to a healthy relationship. To me, maturity means:

I know myself very, very well. I know my strengths and weaknesses, my needs, my faults, my worth.  I know what my “danger zones.”  Because of this, I am able to think ahead and recognize the kinds of opportunities and people who will help me make myself a better person, AND to avoid situations and people who will drag me down.  My self-awareness leads to foresight, which leads to increased skills and abilities in self-improvement.

I am even-keeled with my temper, am able to exercise self-control in conflict and crises, and when I argue with someone I “argue fair,” i.e. I keep the focus on the problem and finding a solution for it, instead of lashing out at the other person and attacking them, personally.

I am committed to honesty.  I seek and acknowledge the truth about myself (even when it is harsh), about others and about my relationships. I know I’m not in love when I can’t face the truth.

I am patient and steady. I base my decisions and behavior on rational assessment and sound judgment.  I take the appropriate time in decisions and relationships to assess who needs to do what.  My decisions aren’t driven by emotion and are not made in a hasty manner.

I am able to forgive myself and others.  I do not let guilt or anger crush me and prevent me from moving forward in my goal of continual self-improvement.  Instead, I try to view painful experiences as opportunities to learn valuable lessons about myself and others, and as guides to my future behavior and choices.  (Return to #1).

What makes or breaks a relationship is how you deal with daily life when things are ordinary and everyday grind, and how you treat each other when conflicts arise.

Keep your eyes on the prize.  Move forward.  Become a better person from this.  Learn what is true and hold fast to it.

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