How to Know if Your Relationship is Over


Sometimes it’s easy to tell if a relationship is over; other times it’s confusing and unclear. But, even when you know for sure that your relationship is finished, it’s still painful and sad to let the man you love go.

First things first. Let the idea of letting go or breaking up fall aside for awhile. Take this time to ask yourself a few questions to help you know if your relationship is over…because only you can determine the truth about your relationship.

You may see the truth of your relationship in this reader’s comment: “My boyfriend and I have been together for a while, we have a kid together, and I really feel like our relationship is falling apart,” says T. on When Guilt Keeps You in a Marriage You Wish Was Over. “We don’t even hug in bed at night anymore. He says he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, but I don’t think he sees how much he is hurting me and affecting our relationship. We don’t spend any time together alone anymore, and I’m getting really depressed about it. He say that he won’t go to couples counseling. I don’t know what to do anymore, but I know I don’t want to lose him.”


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If your boyfriend isn’t interested in working on your relationship — or if he can’t or won’t see how much he is hurting you — then your relationship may be over. If you don’t feel good when you’re with him, then your relationship may be over. If you can’t tell your friends and family how he acts or what he says to you, then your relationship may be over.

There is no one single “right” question to help you make such a big decision about your relationship. But, I can ask you a series of small questions. Take time to look at yourself, your boyfriend or husband, and your relationship with him.

Most importantly, open your heart to God. Talk to Jesus, ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and guidance. If you don’t know how — or if you believe God doesn’t hear your prayers — take time to get spiritually and emotionally healthy.

The healthier you are, the more clarity and wisdom you’ll have about your relationship. It still won’t be easy to know it’s over and say good-bye, but you’ll have an underlying sense of peace and strength. This will get you through the valley, into the light and love your faith.

How Do You Know if Your Relationship is Over?

Write your thoughts about these questions, either in the comments section below or your own private journal. Don’t ask anyone for advice or answers. These are questions only you can answer.

Is your relationship meeting your needs?

Something isn’t right about your relationship. I know this because if you and your boyfriend or husband were healthy together, you wouldn’t be asking “is my relationship over”? How is your relationship meeting your needs…and how are you meeting your boyfriend’s or husband’s needs? What is the root of your relationship problems, and how much control do you have over the possible solutions?

Is your boyfriend or husband unwilling or unable to change?

If his actions or words make your relationship difficult, painful, or excruciating – and he refuses to acknowledge his behavior or consider changing – then perhaps your relationship is over. But, it’s also possible that the relationship as you knew it is over…and now it’s time for you to enter a new stage of your relationship. But, remember that you can’t and do all the work in your relationship! Don’t force yourself to stay with an abusive, unhealthy man who doesn’t love or respect you.

Are you staying in your relationship for the wrong reasons?

Women stay in loveless marriages for a variety of reasons, including their religious beliefs. “If God or some divine being told you it was OK to leave your relationship, would you feel relieved that you could finally leave?” asks Steve Pavlina. “If your religion is the only reason you’re still together, your relationship is already long dead.”

If you’re questioning your boyfriend’s or husband’s feelings for you, read 8 Signs He Stopped Loving You.

Do you like and respect him – and does he like and respect you?

When a man disrespects or dislikes a woman, he ignores her. He belittles her, calls her names, and disregards her thoughts and feelings. Does your boyfriend or husband treat you with love, kindness and respect? If he doesn’t, then you know your relationship is over. The next questions is: Why are you staying with a man who doesn’t like, respect or love you?

Are you attracted to your boyfriend or husband?

This isn’t the best question to help you decide if your relationship is over. Passion comes and goes, attraction fades. True love isn’t determined by chemistry or physical intimacy! It’s determined by a solid, healthy foundation of mutual respect, honesty, communication and shared values. Healthy love relationships have an element of physical attraction, but it’s not the main source of connection. Your relationship isn’t necessarily over if you’re not attracted to your husband or boyfriend. It just needs some work, some TLC (tender loving care)!

Do you and he share the same values and vision for your life together?

Your boyfriend or husband’s job isn’t to “make” you feel good about yourself.

How to Know if Your Relationship is Over

Signs Your Relationship is Over

He isn’t supposed to”make” you happy or fulfill all your dreams and goals! Only God can fill the emptiness in your spirit, the hole in your heart. Only Jesus can save you from yourself, your weaknesses and flaws. Only the Holy Spirit can give you the wisdom, strength and guidance you so desperately need.

Do you and your boyfriend or husband share a faith in God and a vision for your life together? If not, maybe your relationship isn’t just over…maybe it never really came alive.

Have you forgiven your boyfriend or husband for his mistakes and betrayals?

We all make mistakes, we all have weaknesses and flaws. If you can’t forgive and let go of anger or bitterness about the sins your boyfriend or husband has committed, then resentment will gradually replace love. Resentment and bitterness will destroy your relationship, even if it’s not over yet. What is holding you back from forgiving your boyfriend or husband? From forgiving yourself?

Do you and he have fun together?

Life is far too serious and short to stay in a relationship that makes you sad, depressed, or unhappy! When was the last time you and your boyfriend or husband had fun together? Laughed, loved, and lived a beautiful experience? Shared happy memories, shared a secret, shared an ice cream sundae? Maybe you know your relationship isn’t over…and you also know you need to breath new life into your connection with him. How will you do that?

Are your life goals compatible with your boyfriend’s or husband’s?

What are you and he working towards? Are you in a relationship with an unmotivated or lazy boyfriend? You know your relationship is over if you want a career as a travel photographer, and he wants six kids and a 50 year mortgage. If you and your boyfriend or husband don’t have mutual goals and dreams for your future together, then you need to talk to him.

Ask your boyfriend or husband how he knows a relationship is over. What does he say, think, and believe? What does he think about you, him, and your relationship?

Help Knowing if Your Relationship is Over

How to Know if Your Relationship is OverIn Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can – and Should – Be Saved Lundy Bancroft helps readers:

  • Tell the difference between a healthy-yet-difficult relationship and one that is really not working
  • Recognize the signs that a boyfriend or husband has a serious problem
  • Stop waiting to see what happens, and make their own growth the top priority
  • Prepare for life without their husband or boyfriend – even as they keep trying to make the relationship work

If you’re confused, frustrated or unfulfilled, this book will help you know if your relationship is over.

How do you know if your relationship is over? Your thoughts and stories are welcome below! I can’t give advice or predict the future of your relationship, but you may find it helpful to write your answers to the questions above. You need to look within yourself, and find the answers to your questions. Only you can decide if your relationship is over.

If you’re a Christian, you might find 5 Signs of God’s Blessing on Your Relationship helpful.

You may know the truth about your relationship…but you can’t accept it. That’s the hard part. That, and taking action to move forward.

xo


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11 thoughts on “How to Know if Your Relationship is Over

  • Ann

    Hi I been in a relationship for almost 5 yrs in the beginning it was all good long talks, dinners, movies then he said that would stop once he went back in work mode because he can’t focus on work and the relationship. So immediately like cold turkey it all stopped. I became a servant more than a partner. He would use my car to pick up his daughter from school and he also would pick up the mother (his ex) and I’m not suppose to say nothing. They both say that if they needed something they would be there for each other just not romantically. I can’t understand what I should do because I love him but I don’t like this situation at all. I know men can come with packages that include their children but not their ex’s. So I am not a happy camper considering the fact I got a divorce due to him cheating. So dealing with women that have nothing to do with me can be irritating. I could keep going but I will stop right here.

  • Laurie Post author

    I rewrote this article, to help you decide if your relationship is over. The questions are deeper, and will help you see yourself – and your boyfriend or husband – more clearly.

    Great question, Margaret! Below, she asked how to tell her boyfriend their relationship is over. It’s so hard to break up with someone, even when you know you’re not good for each other.

    This article will give you some ideas for telling a boyfriend or husband that your relationship is over:
    How to Gently Break Up With Someone You Don’t Love Anymore
    https://www.theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-to-break-up-with-someone-you-dont-love-anymore/

    Take good care of yourself. Take a deep breath. Remember that if you stay connected to God, He will give you the words. He’ll guide and help you, if you open your heart to Jesus.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • margaret

    Dear Laurie

    please advise me, I am in a relationship cal companionship- which I really don’t like , my boyfriend stay nearby but he stay long to see me nor call me. I find it very difficult to accept that he really love me. when he calls he lies and say he tried to call me I didn’t answer , he lie about working shift that don’t really sound. he want to visit me late times never come during the day. I feel his not with me really . I want a way to tell him I don’t want him anymore. this is hurting me to know and see how he lies. please advise .
    Margaret

  • keisha

    Ive been with my man for 8 years with a break for 1 year. He has been married to another woman the entire time weve been together. We have two children together but five in total. His divorce will finally be final this month. We have became distant and we barely have sex. I have been depressed bc his family dislikes me and they don’t give me respect and not to mention he really doesn’t either. He will take up for them before me and he gets really evil when mad. He has called me names destroyed things in the house and calls me stupid for letting people get in my head. Do you think its over? I don’t feel attractive to him anymore he rarely tells me I’m beautiful. He loves to call me crazy bc i don’t think like him. I’m not going to say I’m perfect but i just think i deserve better bc i have given him children but I’m not good enough to be his wife and he would still be married if the woman had not filed considering they have been seperated for over 10 years.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Hello Alexis,

    Thank you for sharing your experience, and your confusion about how to know if your relationship is over. I can’t give advice, but I was thinking of you when I wrote this article:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/feeling-alone-in-a-relationship/

    I wish you all the best as you think about what to do in your relationship. My prayer is that you find peace and joy, and that you see that you deserve better than the relationship you’ve settled into.

    In peace and passion,
    Laurie

  • Alexis

    My man and I have been together for a year. At the beginning of the relationship, he was all loving and caring. And now, over the progress of a year, it’s gotten bad. Fights galore and he calls me all these names. I can’t get him to stop. He refuses to change, but claims he loves and cares for me. I don’t even have friends anymore. Help?

  • Laurie Post author

    Michelle,

    Sometimes forgiveness means you’re strong, loving, and compassionate. Sometimes forgiveness is the most difficult, most amazing gift you can give someone! Forgiveness isn’t about being weak. Only the strong can forgive, and move on in love and hope.

    I don’t know if your relationship is over, or if your boyfriend will cheat again. Here’s an article that may surprise you:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/surprising-reason-to-stay-with-your-cheating-spouse/

    Sometimes, the relationship isn’t over when something this bad happens! Sometimes, it’s the start of a stronger, better bond between you and your partner.

  • Laurie Post author

    Kari,

    Can you continue living in your marriage and home the way it is right now? It doesn’t sound like there is much peace, love, faith, or hope in your life.

    I can’t tell you if your relationship is over, but it’s important for you to decide how long you can continue living like this. If you can’t do it anymore, then maybe that’s how you know your relationship is over.

  • MICHELLE

    I’ve been with my fiancé for 6yrs now and he cheated 1 time that I know of I want to forgive him I just don’t want him to think that iam weak and will forgive him if he did it again what should I do

    • Michele

      I hope you ran for the hills most do cheat again…you may never see this but if you do I hope you are doing well and made good xhoices

  • kari

    Okay my husband and i fight all the time. He’s always thinks he is right all the time and hes not. Hes a mamas boy and he can let go. His parents lives in our basement and i hate that. I dont know what to do. I havent talked to his parents for years and i wont. What should i do? Leave him or what?