These tips for increasing sexual self-confidence are inspired by a reader who has low self-esteem – which certainly wasn’t boosted when her husband cheated on her.
“I recently found out my husband cheated on me when we were engaged (we have been married for about a year now), and I wasn’t that upset,” says A. on Should You Leave Your Husband? Help Deciding What to Do. “There were so many other things going on that my mind was too full to process it. Before he cheated we have had sexual problems. He has a lower libido than I do, and I have low self-esteem. I recently heard a conversation between him and the woman he cheated with; he said he slept with her because she gave him things (sexual things) that I didn’t. He said it was different with me.”
Below, she explains that when her husband says he doesn’t feel like having sex, she’s not sure if it’s because of her. Her self-image has taken a blow, and it’s not easy to recover.
One of my favorite books about married sex is Till Sex Do Us Part: Make Your Married Sex Irresistible, by sex therapist Trina Read. She includes tips for increasing your sexual self-confidence and connecting as a married couple in the bedroom.
And here are few nuggets to chew on…
How to Increase Your Sexual Confidence – Tips for Women
First, the rest of my reader’s comment:
“We started marriage counseling but I honestly don’t know if I can get past hearing him say that,” she says. “I feel like I will always doubt myself, and will never know what he really means when he says he doesn’t want to have sex. Does he really not feel like sex, or is it me that he doesn’t want to have sex with?”
It’s great that you’re in marriage counseling, though I’m sorry for what lead you there. I hope you bring this up with your husband and counselor, and that you don’t shrug off their responses. Sometimes the only thing harder than hearing the truth or a solution is actually believing and implementing it.
I think your question has too many facets and layers for me to adequately respond to. There’s your self-confidence, which is the easy part. More difficult are his reasons for cheating…and that’s not something you can fix or change. But, you can understand and accept it!
Your husband needs to figure out why he cheated, why he sees his wife differently than he sees another woman and sex partner. If he can figure that out – and make you understand it – then it may be easier for you to believe him when he says he doesn’t want to have sex because of him, not because of you.
If you don’t feel emotionally connected to your husband, read How to Reconnect With Your Spouse.
But these tips for women who want to increase their self-confidence in bed may be helpful…
Learn how to leave the past where it belongs: in the past
Your husband made two Big Mistakes: he slept with another woman, and he talked about your marriage with her. This is emotional cheating – it’s disclosing private, intimate details to someone who is not your partner. That’s a no-no.
All husbands (and wives) make mistakes, say things they regret, and wish they could have a “do over.” I know your husband regrets his mistake. I suspect he has apologized, and am pretty sure he wishes he could go back and change the past.
Hopefully, you believe him when he says he’s sorry and he wishes it never happened.
Now it’s your turn: you need to learn how to put your old arguments, conflicts, and hurts where they belong: in the past. If you keep letting the past affect your current situation or discussion with your husband, you’ll never move on. This is rumored to be one of the best marriage tips of all time: when you’re arguing or disagreeing about something, do not bring up old issues or problems. Stay in the present.
Try not to read between the lines
If he says your round tummy, ample bottom, and hairy arms are beautiful, believe him. If he says he’s too tired for sex, believe him. If he says he’s stressed or preoccupied, believe him. If you want your marriage to work, you need to trust that your husband has grown and learned from his mistakes.
To increase your sexual confidence, you need to believe him when he says he’s attracted to you. He loves you the way you are – after all, he married you! He didn’t marry the woman he cheated with.
Take his words at face value; don’t “misread between the lines.” This isn’t the easiest tip to becoming more sexually confident, but it works. It’s a “thought habit” that takes time to develop.
Learn to love your body – warts and all!
This is such a boring tip for increasing your sexual confidence, but it is SO effective.
The more you accept and enjoy your body for what it does – not what it looks like – the more sexually confident you’ll be. Read articles like Body Confidence – 10 Ways to Love Your Body the Way It Is.
I learned to love my body by going to a nude beach (you should see all the sizes and shapes of people’s bodies!), doing yoga to increase my mind-body connection, overcoming my eating disorder, and watching movies like Chicago and Charlie’s Angels (the first remake, with Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore). The more movies I watch with strong, sexy women, the better I feel about my body. (Although this could backfire for some women).
Another book I love is This Is Who I Am: Our Beauty in All Shapes and Sizes. Photographer Rosanne Olson shares pictures of woman in all stages of life and with all types of bodies. It is so cool to see how different we all are — and how beautiful we all are, no matter what we look like.
In Natural, Healthy Ways for a Woman to Increase Her Sex Drive, I list nine ways to get sexier in the bedroom with your husband. The tips will also increase your sexual self-confidence.
I reposted this article on my When Love Bugs You blog, and called it How to Love Yourself When You Don’t Feel Good Enough.