Getting marriage help is both simple and complicated. These tips on how to get help for your marriage are inspired by The Marriage Parable – and by a reader’s comment.

how to get marriage helpIn Desperate Marriages: Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship, Gary Chapman offers positive steps for dealing with spouses who are workaholics, controlling, uncommunicative, physically, verbally, or sexually abusive, unfaithful, alcoholic or drug-abusing, depressed, or irresponsible. If you’re looking for marriage help, this is one of the best places to turn.

On How to Survive a Loveless Marriage, Sammy says, “I’m married to a man I love, but he doesn’t do anything but put me down. He insults me and criticizes me, and has even lied to me. I think he’s cheated on me, but he always apologizes and say he loves me. He’s always sorry for his actions but I can’t take any more! I love him and I don’t want to leave him. How do I get help for my marriage? Help me.”

That’s one of the most common questions readers ask: help me save my marriage, fix my relationship, change my husband, make my boyfriend love me. It takes a strong woman to ask for help – and a wise woman to know how to recognize the type of help she needs. If you want to know how to get help for your marriage, read The Marriage Parable and tell me how it applies to your relationship…

The Marriage Parable

“I want a divorce,” said her husband after 15 years of marriage. Evelyn was shattered, shocked, and heartbroken. She locked herself in her room. She took to her bed, refusing to eat, bathe, or take care of her children. She stayed in her room for weeks.

It would take a miracle to bring her husband back – and God was in the business of miracles, wasn’t He? So Evelyn shut out everything, and prayed with all her mind, soul, and strength. She knew her husband would never return unless God intervened.

Evelyn’s phone beeped almost constantly with emails to go to divorce support group, online and in person help sessions for women facing divorce, notes from friends and family, etc. She deleted all the messages because she couldn’t make an effort to heal. All she wanted to do was think about saving her marriage with her husband.

The Marriage Parable getting help for your marriage

The Marriage Parable

“No divorce support groups or healing workships for me, thank you,” said Evelyn.  “I’m praying to God and I’m sure He will save my marriage.”

Her best friend knocked on her door. “Evelyn, let me in,” she said. “I know you’re upset, but let’s at least talk about the divorce. I brought your favorite foods – macaroni and cheese, and my famous homemade chocolate chip cookies!”

“No, thanks,” said Evelyn.  “I’m praying to God and I’m sure He will save my marriage.”

The next day, a social worker came to the door. “Evelyn, we need to talk about your children,” said the social worker. “They need you to be strong and start healing, and they need to get back into their routine. You can’t continue to neglect them. Let me help you – I can connect you with a divorce lawyer and a family counselor.”

“No, thanks,” said Evelyn.  “I’m praying to God and I’m sure He will save my marriage.”

She sank deeper and deeper into depression. She was weak with hunger, emotionally devastated because she hadn’t been talking to anyone, and psychologically defeated because she wasn’t making plans. She wasn’t even spiritually strong because she wasn’t listening to God – she was only begging him for help saving her marriage.

Evelyn was hospitalized; the doctors called it an emotional breakdown. She was comatose because of lack of food, water, or emotional sustenance. In her delirious state, she imagined she was in Heaven, meeting God face to face.

“Lord, why am I here in heaven?” she asked. “I prayed for You to save me, to help my marriage, to restore my family. I trusted You to rescue me! Where were you?”

“My precious child,” said the Lord. “I sent you online divorce support groups, emails from friends and family members, chocolate chip cookies with your best friend, and a social worker. But you never accepted any of the help I offered.”


How to Get Help for Your Marriage

The Marriage Parable is about accepting the help that is right in front of you. So many readers ask me for marriage help, but I can’t give it because I don’t know what resources you have, what your history is, what children or other responsibilities you need to take care of, or even how you’ve tried to get help for your marriage in the past.

Here are a few tips that will help you find the resources you need to get marriage help.

Accept the marriage help that is offered

Is there a marriage retreat, relationship workshop, or couples therapy group in your community? What about at your church – does the pastor offer marriage counseling? If you know you need to get serious help for your marriage, look up marriage counselors in your area. There are at least a dozen resources for marriage on this article alone! If you need to know how to get help for your marriage, look at the book at the top of the article or the Mort Fertel Marriage Coaching information at the end.

If your husband won’t go to couples therapy or a relationship retreat with you, read How to Get Your Husband to Go to Marriage Counseling.

Stop doing things that don’t work in your marriage

How to Get Help for Your Marriage

“How to Get Help for Your Marriage” image by CrewedHumor via DeviantArt

In The Marriage Parable, Evelyn prayed and fasted for days. It didn’t work for her. God didn’t miraculously stop the divorce and heal her marriage.  I believe that prayer (and in some cases fasting) is a wonderful tip on how to get help for your marriage – but I also believe that we need to answer the door when someone knocks! God works through counselors, books, blogs, support groups, friends, family members, nature, art therapy – there are so many ways you can get help and healing for your marriage. The trick is to learn what worked for other couples, and experiment until you fight the best ways to save your marriage.

Try what worked for other women who needed marriage help

On 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship, Gigi says:

“I find that writing about [getting help for your marriage] helps a lot. I have several short stories about leaving him and some poems about his lies. If you are in a relationship where he controls money, yells constantly, threatens you, isolates you from family and friends – you need to make your plan and get away. Ultimately the pain of leaving your marriage is worth it, and with time and distance it gets easier.”

Have you written about your marriage in your journal or diary? Talked about it in a marriage support group? Other ways women get marriage help include building a healthy relationship with God, learning about relationship boundaries, becoming fulfilled and whole in themselves, going back to school, becoming financially independent, and even taking vacations alone.

If you know in your heart of hearts that getting relationship help won’t save your marriage, read How Do You Know When Your Marriage is Over?

I welcome your thoughts on how to get help for your marriage – or The Marriage Parable – below. I can’t offer relationship advice or counseling, but it may help you to share your experience below.

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2 thoughts on “How to Get Help for Your Marriage”

  1. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for your thoughts on how to get help for your marriage! Finding the right counsellor – whether you’re going to marriage counselling or individual counselling – is so important.

  2. My spouse cheated on me a few years ago. It was tough and because of it my marriage became really bad. Just a downward spiral of problems. Its was loveless and we constantly had problems. It wasn’t until one day until I said I had enough and decided to take action. I searched for a counselor to help me with my marriage, and it was a long process but a few weeks later my marriage slowly started to change for the better. If you need marriage help, don’t give up until you find the right counselor.