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How to Gain Confidence and Create Healthy Relationships

The first step to creating healthy relationships is to learn how to gain confidence. Why? Because if you’re insecure, your relationships can’t flourish. When you’re confident in who you are and what you have to offer, your relationships will Blossom.

Blossoming After a BreakupIf you can’t imagine how to start gaining confidence, read Blossoming After a Breakup: 28 Days to Recover and Rediscover Your Sparkle. I gathered dozens of practical, proven ways to learn how to gain confidence and flourish – even if you feel lower and less worthy than you ever have before. The power is in you, and you CAN shine again! But you need to dig in and do a little work.

Here’s an example of how lack of confidence creates unhealthy relationships: “It’s been a very stressful year for me and my boyfriend,” says S on How to Find Strength to Get Out of a Bad Relationship. “His wife is very upset and angry about our relationship. They are separated, but she uses their daughter against him and causes arguments between us all the time. He also says he doesn’t have an alcohol problem but he puts beers before heating the house. He has now got me in quite a bit of debt. I’ve lost a stone and a half in weight and feel crappy all the time, but I just can’t seem to walk away even though I know eventually it’ll improve my son’s life and my life.”

She is not Blossoming into who she is meant to be, and this affects the relationships she chooses to allow into her life. In this article, I share how I learned how to gain confidence and how this is helping me create healthy relationships.

This is the fourth and final day of my four-article series on being happy even when your relationships are meh.

Now, we focus on creating healthy relationships by gaining confidence and…dare I say…Blossoming into who we were created to be!

Gaining Confidence and Creating Healthy Relationships

Last night I dreamt about Dean, a guy I was roommates with 30 years ago. I dreamt that he found me, told me he loved me, and said he never stopped thinking about me. I was shocked because I wasn’t a “good” person back then. I was selfish, irresponsible, and narcissistic. I was emotionally damaged and spiritually adrift from a hard childhood. I was more or less a wreck.

So hearing Dean say that he loved me then and he loves me now was mind-blowing.

What does this have to do with learning how to gain confidence and create healthy relationships? Let’s see…

You have so much to offer…so don’t settle!

Nobody has ever had your combination of strengths, talents, skills, personality, creativity, uniqueness, and abilities. You are one-of-a-kind in every sense of the word! There is only ONE of you, and your kind has never, ever been duplicated.

What you offer the world – in simply being yourself – is absolutely incomparable. There is nobody like you, and there never will be. And you are loved deeply and unconditionally by God, who created you exactly as you are. He allowed imperfections and weaknesses to creep into your personality and body. Why? Because not only do they make you more you, they also help you remember that there is only one perfect man: Jesus.

I am learning this about myself. My dream about Dean has helped me see that even though I make mistakes and am not perfect…I am still worthy of love. I am still lovable.

And so are you. Believe me when I say that you are special and amazing. Let this knowledge seek into your soul and help you gain confidence in yourself. Your resulting feelings of security and self-love will help you create healthy relationships in your life.

If your relationship or marriage is destroying your self-esteem, read How to Regain Self-Confidence Without Leaving Your Relationship.

Act in ways that help you gain confidence

It doesn’t matter how many people tell you that you’re wonderful, smart, accomplished, beautiful, successful! It’ll never be enough. You can’t gain confidence from listening to what people say. You can only gain confidence from an internal source of love, compassion, grace, freedom, and forgiveness.

We learn how to gain confidence by doing scary things and succeeding – or better yet, failing.

How to Gain Confidence Healthy Relationships

How to Gain Confidence and Create Healthy Relationships

To become more confident, you need to take risks in your life. You need to try and fail. You need to keep trying and succeed. You need to learn about yourself, and you need to learn why your failures happened. These failures might include unhealthy relationships, financial mistakes, friendship betrayals, embarrassing moments, falling down, getting sick.

If you can try something new and fail – and if you can pick yourself up and keep going – then you will gain confidence in yourself.

Trust God

Nobody loves you like He loves you. Nobody can ever offer you unconditional love, full forgiveness, gentle correction, stern discipline, complete acceptance, blissful freedom and total grace. The marvellous thing is that God’s love never changes or fades, never disappoints or betrays you.

When I journaled about my dream about Dean, I realized that I wasn’t my best self 30 years ago. I am better today – healthier, stronger, happier, and free. But even though I wasn’t at my best, I was still loved by my friends and family. I was still loved by God.

Let His love fill you with the confidence you need to believe in Him and yourself. Let this confidence help you create healthy relationships in your life.

Questions for you

If you have a journal, write your thoughts on these questions about confidence and healthy relationships:

  • On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being Superman Confident), how confident are you?
  • How does your confidence affect the relationships in your life?
  • What is one thing you can do today to learn how to gain confidence and create healthy relationships?

I can’t give advice, but I welcome your comments below. What have I missed about confidence and creating healthy relationships?

A recap of Blossom this week

Every week I write a Four-Day Series on specific topics for women who want to Blossom and flourish in all seasons of life. This week’s theme is happiness in unhealthy relationships.

Here’s this week’s lineup:

It’s not an adventure worth telling if there aren’t any dragons. – Sarah Ban Breathneach.

Is your relationship in trouble? Get 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage from relationship coach Mort Fertel. It's free and helpful, no strings attached.

Need encouragement? Sign up for my weekly "Echoes of Joy" email - it's free, short, and energizing. Like me!


4 thoughts on “How to Gain Confidence and Create Healthy Relationships”

  1. Dear Bianca,

    Thank you for being here – it takes alot of courage to write about how you feel, and what you’re going through in your relationship. You have alot of insight and wisdom…but, as you said, you don’t have the confidence to leave your boyfriend.

    Here’s an article that may help:

    How to End a Relationship When You Don’t Want to Be Alone

    May you find strength, healing, and courage to leave this relationship. May your confidence bubble up and spill over! May you find the help and resources you need, and may you learn how to take good care of yourself…for you are worth taking good care of.


  2. I have been with my boyfriend who is an alcoholic and herion user for 12 years. We have a 3yr old daughter together, and I have a 16 yr old daughter and 19 yr old son from another father. I am stuck I can’t leave him I feel like I will die. I know how foolish it sounds. I mean I have three amazing children and they see me choosing to live this way. I pray to God then get impatient and try my way. Ofcourse that never works. I feel like I have a evil spell on me and can’t let go. He has been to several rehabs. He did move out and now lives alone. We do go over there and stay with him. But now it’s back to his old habits and I can’t leave him. He says hateful things to me and it feels like a stab in my heart every time. I’m always depressed and sad and I only seem to focus on what he is doing when I’m not there. I constantly worry about if he is cheating on me. Or if he is going out with his friends. I’m making myself crazy where I just want to give up sometimes. I try so hard to make him happy and not cause any fights. I walk on eggshells and everything That I say and do is always wrong. I met him when I was 28 and I just turned 39. It feels like I’m addictive to a drug and I know it’s bad for me. I am so tired of living this way. I’m so scared to lose this idiot to another woman and I will be alone. I want to make it work out. I know I can’t change him. He is so jealous and always thinks I’m cheating on him. I never cheated on him not once. He gets jealous when I do stuff with my other kids. When he asked what we do he doesn’t believe me and always thinks I’m lying. I’m going crazy.

  3. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you, Justina! It sounds like you have a lot of insight into your own personality and behavior. You’ve learned a lot about yourself, including how to gain confidence and create healthy relationships in your life.

    If you could go back and change those things in your life, then you wouldn’t be who you are today. You wouldn’t be as smart or compassionate, or as independent and insightful.

    We can’t change the past, and that’s good because it helps us be more confident and healthy…if we learn from our experience :-)

  4. I liked your post about confidence and healthy relationships. Growing up, I was a chubby kid and teenager so I had low self-esteem, but covered it up by being that big mouth friend who acts stupid and goofy just for attention. I was that funny friend you can go to the parties w/and get drunk and everyone pays attention to you b/c you’re just so funny. My best friend at the time loved it b/c she was that stuck up, prude, quiet chick who just followed me to get noticed by the guys. After about the age of 17, I got sick of it and started losing weight and taking care of myself, but I didn’t know how to deal with men b/c I never got the positive attention before. Eventually, my supposed best friend moved on b/c we became equal and I think she got jealous. I made it down to a size 10 from a size 20! But with men, I didn’t know how to deal w/the emotional part or vulnerability. I thought sex and minor hanging out for a few hours was a sign of love and caring! I also chose the wrong kinds of guys b/c my image of men was horrid since my parents divorced when I was about five and my mother always depicted men as useless creatures who were good for nothing but recreation. I never got into a serious relationship until I was 25 and we got married when I was 28. I’m 30 now and still very happily married, but sometimes I reflect on my past mistakes and wish I could change so many things. My relationship now w/my husband is not completely perfect, as he is 7 years older than me and at times tries to act like a parent instead of a husband. He also drinks and is very insecure, so he wants me w/him ALL the time. I have no privacy whatsoever. I don’t know if it is our cultural differences (he is Mexican/Italian) and that’s how the marriages work for them, but it irritates me. I was raised completely different. My mother taught me how to be independent. I work w/him at his auto shop, but I am also considered the housewife. I never imagined this. But, I still try to look at the good things instead of the dysfunctional parts! lol. Well thank you! I like your article.

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