One of my favorite subjects! These tips on how to find yourself after getting lost in a relationship are inspired by a reader and Lucille Ball. She (the reader, not Lucille Ball) asked for help finding herself after losing herself in abuse.
In Just Enough Light for the Step I’m On: Trusting God in the Tough Times, Stormie Omartian teaches readers how to go beyond learning how to find yourself. She reveals how to overcome fear in times of darkness, learn to see the positive side of challenging situations, gain strength to go through times of testing, surrender your dreams to God and listen for His call on your life, and step out of the past and move into the future God has planned for you.
Below, my tips on how to find yourself apply to all types of “getting lost” situations – not just relationships and breakups. I love the topic of knowing and being yourself. When this reader asked for help on my article about boyfriends who abuse, I knew I needed to share how what I’ve recently learned about finding myself.
Finding Yourself After Losing Yourself in a Relationship
Here is part of my reader’s comment – she wants to stay away from her ex-boyfriend, but she is really struggling. “I almost fall on his trap again, I know he is lying and playing with my emotions,” says BreakingFree on Is Your Boyfriend Emotionally Abusive? “I know he’ll hurt me again and I hold my breath and walk away. But, it’s so hard, I’m confused, I’m lost, I’m 24 years old but I feel like a little girl cornered and scared. What should I do? How do I find myself and keep strong? How can I survive this nightmare?”
Think about how you lost yourself
It took time, didn’t it? Possibly months, probably years. We don’t lose ourselves overnight. It’s slow and insidious, this losing of self. It’s gradual, like the erosion of rock over time. Since it took time to lose yourself, it’ll take time to learn how to find yourself again. Give yourself time to grieve the bad thing that happened to you, whether it was a breakup, a divorce, or a death. Remember that finding yourself doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual process that involves your heart, mind, and soul.
Being aware of how you lost yourself will help you find yourself again. Who hurt you? What started this separation from yourself? How did you contribute to your loss of self?
Focus on one area of your life at a time
There isn’t one specific list of questions that will help you learn how to find yourself. Why? Because it depends on what part of yourself is lost. Sometimes you need help finding yourself professionally – you need to figure out what career path to take or what the most meaningful job is. Other times you need to learn how to find yourself personally because you got lost in a relationship that was unhealthy. You might need help finding yourself physically because you’ve gained too much weight and are literally weighed down.
If you have no problem finding yourself at work or in most aspects of your life – but you lose yourself when you’re in a relationship – read How to Stay True to You When You’re in Love.
Need marriage help? Get FREE relationship advice from Marriage Coach Mort Fertel.
Always focus on finding yourself spiritually. Find God
You ALWAYS need help finding yourself spiritually. Your connection with God underscores your job, work relationships, family, hobbies, and your future. You need God to change your heart and renew your mind. Learning how to find yourself in God guarantees you’ll find the right job, partner, and everything else you need in your life.
The best tip on how to find yourself is learn how God sees you. Close your eyes, and see yourself the way He sees you. Feel how much He loves you, cherishes you, and wants you to be reconnected with Him. Bask in His peace, love, tenderness, and strength.
Finding yourself isn’t possible unless you know who you are in God.
“It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy,” said Lucille Ball.
Tell me, what are three things that make you happy? Me, I love romping in the forest with my dogs, cooking dinner with my husband and a glass of wine at the end of the day, and spending time with God. I just noticed that those three things include bonding with and taking care of my body, bonding with animals, eating, bonding with my husband, and bonding with God. Connections make me happy – and they are how I found myself after wandering around lost in the desert.
If you want to know how to find yourself, slow down. Notice what makes you happy. Then do more of it. Even better, find a way to get paid for it.
Are you finding yourself after your relationship ended? Read What to Do After a Breakup – Emotional Healing.
Renew your resolve to find yourself every morning
I love this inspiration from C.S. Lewis:
But, first, remember, remember, remember the signs. Say them to yourself when you wake in the morning and when you lie down at night, and when you wake in the middle of the night. And whatever strange things may happen to you, let nothing turn your mind from following the signs. And secondly, I give you a warning. Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly: I will not often do so down in Narnia. Here on the mountain, the air is clear and your mind is clear; as you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken. Take great care that it does not confuse your mind. And the signs which you have learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look, when you meet them there. That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances. Remember the signs and believe the signs. Nothing else matters.
How is this a tip on how to find yourself after getting lost in a relationship? This “finding yourself” quote reminds you that you will lose yourself in this world. The world is noisy, overstimulating, and demanding your attention. Click here, go there, do this, buy that!!! The world doesn’t want you to learn how to find yourself…it wants to own you. That’s why part of slowing down and finding yourself after getting lost in a relationship involves deliberately reading that quote very day.
Print out that quote from CS Lewis, and read it every morning. Use it to remind you that finding yourself is a daily activity that you need to keep doing. It’s like bathing: it doesn’t last, so you have to do it daily.
Get help from a professional counselor
If you were in an abusive relationship, there are other things going on besides “just” healing from the breakup. Your sense of identity was attacked. Your self-image has changed – and not for the better. Your security and comfort levels have been breached. If you’re like my reader you may feel like a child because of the powerlessness and vulnerability you experienced.
There are no quick tips on how to find yourself after getting lost in a relationship that was abusive because your security, well-being, and personal safety were threatened. It will take time and effort, but you WILL heal and be free again! You WILL be happy again, and you will feel strong, healthy, and whole again.
I welcome your thoughts on how to find yourself after getting lost in a relationship. I can’t offer advice or counseling, but you may find it helpful to write about your experience.
If you feel weak and insecure because your relationship ended, read How to Be Strong After a Break Up.
Finding yourself is about finding God. May you reconnect with your Creator, who loves you more than you could ever know. May you find love, peace, healing, and faith when you find yourself…and may your future be bright and hopeful.