These tips on how to find love in an unhappy marriage are inspired by a reader’s comment. She and her husband are unhappily married, and she doesn’t want to tell her family or friends.
Here’s part of her comment: “My husband and I have been together for 2 years and we have an eight month old baby boy,” says Lorraine on When Your Husband Says He Hates You.
“My husband still continues to have his normal routine, perhaps decreased by 20%. He said the husband’s life doesn’t change after the baby, just the wife’s. I still work part time and am responsible for half of the bills. I also do 85% of the home and family care. He is a great father to our son. However, he has told me numerous times that he hates me, he wished he didn’t marry me, and he’s with me just because of the baby.”
She adds that she feels broken and lost. She doesn’t know what to do or how to find love in an unhappy marriage – and she feels bad for their son.
How to Find Love in an Unhappy Marriage
Choosing to stay unhappily married is a personal decision, and nobody can tell you that you’re wrong. The only person who can decide if you should keep trying to find love in a loveless marriage is you. Some people may look at your situation and tell you to leave….and other people believe that as long as adultery or abuse doesn’t exist, then you should keep learning how to find love in an unhappy marriage.
You need to take time to decide why you’re staying in an unhappy marriage. This is especially important when you know deep down that you’ll never learn how to find love with a selfish, violent, uncaring husband. Something is holding you to the marriage, and I respect your decision.
1. Stay true to your vows
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that cheating is the solution; infidelity will never help you find love in an unhappy marriage. No matter how sad and lonely you are, having an affair will make it worse. Cheating adds heavy burdens to your life and brings darkness to your soul.
You need to learn how to cope when you’re unhappily married without cheating on your husband. The legal ramifications of having an affair may haunt you if you eventually decide to leave him. The emotional consequences of cheating will eat away at your self-respect and self-esteem. And what about your children and family members? They’ll eventually find out about the affair, and you’ll have to deal with the fallout.
Need marriage help? Get FREE relationship advice from Marriage Coach Mort Fertel.
The solution to the problem of how to find love in an unhappy marriage isn’t cheating on your husband.
2. Find healthy, positive, life-giving people
A strong social support network may not give you the love you deserve and the romance you crave, but it will ease feelings of loneliness.
Make friends. Share what you’re going through. Let go of the embarrassment of being in an unhappy marriage. Learn how to find love in unexpected places: walking a dog with a friend who doesn’t judge you or joining a book club with a group of women who accept you no matter what your husband is like. Join an Alpha group or Bible Study through a nearby church. Go to a support group, even if it’s for another issue in your life (eg, Alanon or an eating disorders support group).
Choose to spend time with people who bring light, laughter, love, and levity to your life. You have enough sadness and toxicity at home; don’t allow negative people to touch your life outside your marriage.
3. Create love and peace within you
The only true way to find love in an unhappy marriage is to create it within yourself. You have to bring it to your relationship, because it won’t grow without you planting the seeds of peace and love. Unhappy marriages – and all parts of life – are funny that way. You can’t expect the situation to bring you goodness, peace, or joy. You need to find it within you, and bring it to the situation.
Where can you find a consistent, stead source of love, peace, joy, and freedom? How can you create love and peace within you, so you can bring it to your marriage? For me, it’s Jesus. The more I connect with Jesus Christ, God, and the Holy Spirit the happier, more peaceful, and more free I am. My spirituality offers a source of goodness that is unsurpassed. I try to bring His peace and joy to every situation I encounter, instead of expecting people or circumstances to bring me anything. I have to bring His life and light with me.
4. Ask for wisdom
Maybe you could ask your smart, supportive, encouraging friends for wisdom on how to find love in an unhappy marriage…or maybe you could ask God.
Take time to get to know Him. If you knew Him once, it’s time to reacquaint yourself. God loves you and wants you to know peace and joy. Your life is sacred, and you are precious to Him. He deeply loves you. He is calling you! It’s no mistake you found this blog and are reading these words. The only mistake is ignoring His call on your heart.
May you be blessed with wisdom, love, and peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray for courage and strength, power and Spirit. May you bow your head and give your heart back to Jesus, where it belongs. Ask Him for guidance on how to find love in an unhappy marriage. Stay open to His leading, and prepare yourself to be changed forever!
For more ideas on finding love, read How to Survive an Unhappy Marriage.
I think the most important tip for surviving an unhappy marriage is to figure out what’s going wrong. Do you have the power or energy to save your marriage? I’m not a proponent of rushing towards divorce, but life is too short to trap yourself in an unhappy marriage.
Your thoughts on finding love in unhappy marriages are welcome below. I can’t offer advice, but you may find it helpful to share your experience. Writing can bring healing and insight.