It doesn’t matter how old you are, where you live, or even how healthy you are. When you don’t have a relationship and you think you’ll never find a good man, your struggle is painful. Maybe you feel bad about yourself and discouraged about the future. Maybe you’ve never had a good relationship; you aren’t single at 40 by choice. Maybe you’re depressed about a bad breakup or sad because you’ve never had kids and think you never will.
Take heart, because your life isn’t over yet! It’s not too late to find the right man. It’s not too late to start a healthy relationship with someone who gets you. It’s not too late to be happy.
My five tips aren’t just about finding the right man and being happy. They’re about dealing with your feelings of being 40, single, and depressed. The truth is that when you’re struggling with depression because you’re a single 40 year old, you emit waves of desperation. Your bleakness and sadness is palpable; we can feel your pain. And that doesn’t make us feel good…so we back away. That’s why my tips on how to find the right man are designed to encourage you blossom into who you were created to be.
It’s important to deal with your emotions in a healthy, constructive way. This means working through your grief, pain, shame, anger and depression. It also means taking responsibility for your role in how your life is unfolding. Sometimes – depending on why you’re 40, single, and depressed – this means talking to a counselor. Or, maybe you just need to let the past go and move forward.
You know yourself better than anyone; how do you need to take care of yourself so you can move forward in your life? It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
5 Ways to Find a Good Man and the Right Relationship
These tips aren’t just about finding the right man or becoming a healthier, happier woman. They’re both! You don’t need more information on how to find the right man; when you’re tired of being single and depressed at 40 you lack energy and motivation to do what you know you should do.
Instead, you need to find hope, freedom, and joy. You can’t manufacture those feelings alone, though. Here’s how they’ll rise in you — and how you can keep the momentum going.
1. Be willing to be surprised
My favorite movie about finding love is Crossing Delancey. It came out in the 80s, it was about a sophisticated New York City literary editor who fell in love with a guy who sold pickles for a living. He sold pickles, and played handball on the street! She didn’t want to be with him because she looked down on his job. But, she really liked him. She’d found a good man but she was over 40, single and depressed so her judgment was off. She started sleeping with a rich, famous narcissistic author. He cheated on and humiliated her.
Her depression at being a single 40 year old woman changed how she saw a really good man. The right man. She let her prejudices, ego and feelings about being single color her judgment. Instead of being willing to be surprised by the right man – a good man – she made life worse for herself.
2. Don’t give up hope
Do you believe that a good man will appear when you’re ready? “Girl, I’ve been ready for 15 years,” you might say. “That’s why I’m searching for ways to deal with being single and 40 and depressed! I’m tired of getting hurt. I just want to find a good man and be in a healthy relationship.”
Don’t give up hope, because it’s not too late to find the right man. Love comes at different times to different people, and it won’t arrive until it’s ready. In 4 Reasons to Wait Until You’re 35 to Get Married I describe how I found my good man, and why I waited until I was 35 to marry him. I actually met my husband 17 years before we got married. I wasn’t ready to commit before then.
I struggled with being over 35 and single. I got depressed, but I also followed my heart to Africa, started businesses, went back to school. I lived and amused myself while waiting for a good man. I also trusted God; I didn’t want to be with anyone He didn’t set aside for me.
3. Go where you want to be
When you’re a woman who is 40, single and depressed, you don’t really want to get out and meet men. That’s why this tip isn’t about finding a boyfriend. It’s about living an interesting, full life! Do what you want. Go to places that make you happy. Don’t try to scout out places to meet men; that’ll make any single 40 year old woman even more depressed. Instead, do things that lift your spirits and make you feel good.
Here’s where you won’t find the right man:
- Gambling at the race track or casino
- Drinking at a nightclub or bar in the middle of the afternoon
- Trying to pick up women at a bar
- Going places to specifically to meet depressed 40 year old women
- Screaming at his ex-wife in divorce court
Where do you hang out? It matters. It’s not too late to find the right man – a good man – if you choose healthy, life-giving places and activities. You already know this; you’re a grown woman.
4. Be both patient and active
One of my favorite things about God is that He requires both action and prayer. He doesn’t just sit back and make us do all the work. Nor does He micromanage every situation we encounter, or tell us exactly what to do! God gives us wisdom and strength, power and freedom. He encourages us to take steps toward what we want in life; He closes some doors and opens others.
Be patient, and believe it’s not too late to find a good man. Be active, and enjoy the blessings in your life! Find ways to be happy single because those things will make you happy in a relationship, too. Deal with your feelings of being single and 40 and depressed. Get off the internet!
5. Put your house in order
I don’t know what kind of man you’re looking for, or why you’re depressed because you’re 30 and single. I don’t know how you feel or where your life is going. But I know that it’s not too late for you to find the right man and be happy. I know that you want to love and be loved.
I also know that it’s crucial for a woman to walk into a relationship as healthy as she can be. She needs to be blossoming into who God created her to be – and that involves putting her own house in order. Getting emotionally and spiritually healthy. Enjoying physical fitness and a healthy body image. You may feel depressed because you’re single and 40, but you don’t have to live like your life will always be this way.
It’s not too late to find a good man. It’s not too late to be happy. And it’s never too late to reconnect with God, who created you and loves you and only wants good things for you.
When you’re 40 and single and depressed…
Read How to Be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate by Dr Jennifer Taitz.
Dr Taitz is a clinical psychologist who researched key principles in positive psychology and explored hundreds of patient interviews. She challenges the most common myths about women and love (like the advice to play hard to get). Her strategies will help you deal with being 40, single and depressed.
You might also pick up Steve Harvey’s Straight Talk No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man. He shares encouragement and information about men, dating, and relationships. He describes what motivates men and provides tips on how women can use that knowledge to get more of what they need out of their relationships.
Remember that it’s not too late to find a good man. It’s not too late to be happy. And it’s never too late to look up and meet the loving gaze of God.