Home > Breakups > How to End an Affair You Want to Continue

How to End an Affair You Want to Continue

You’re in love, but you know you need to end the affair. These suggestions aren’t just “tips on how to break up.” Rather, they’re ideas for healthy endings that will help you see the your affair in a different light. Ending an affair is about rebuilding your self-respect and focusing on why you can’t keep cheating.

You are not alone in your search for ways to end an affair. Read through the comments on How to Stop Dating a Married Man; you’ll see how destructive and painful affairs are. You’ll also find hope and help for saying goodbye to someone you love but can’t be with.

Here’s a different perspective on why it’s crucial to end the affair now, before it’s too late: “I’m trying to figure out how to spend the rest of my life without my husband and best friend,” says a reader in response to When Your Husband Still Works With His Ex Affair Partner “We’ve been through so much in 38 years of marriage but he left me for a woman at work. He said he wanted to end the affair with her but she already left her husband and kids. Now he’s consumed with guilt and thinks it’s better to leave our marriage than her. My husband is devastated with guilt and shame. Our kids are grown but heartbroken. How do I grieve, forgive, and move forward with this huge hole on my heart?”


This reader adds that she and her husband have a marriage of roommates. They sleep in separate rooms, have no intimacy, her husband has cheated as well. She’s never loved her husband, she said, and she needs help healing after the end of her affair.

10 Tips for Ending an Affair

There are no easy tips on how to let go of someone you love. You know this isn’t a healthy or good relationship – and you know you’re cheating. And yet, you feel love and chemistry with your affair partner.

Ending a love affair hurts — even when you know the affair has to stop. There are no scripts or formulas on how to end an affair when you want to continue…there is only faith and the hope of something more. You need to reach for something healthier, bigger, and more fulfilling than this affair, which is destroying your self respect. You have to focus on something better than cheating on your partner, and leading the person you love into more darkness, destruction and pain.

1. Face the destruction, damage and pain of cheating

Blossom Tips How to End an Affair When You Want to Continue
How to End an Affair When You Want to Continue

The fact that you’re “having an affair” (as opposed dating a guy you like or love) means you or your affair partner is committed to another person. Either you or he is married, which means you’re both cheating. You are both lying, betraying, and hurting innocent people. An affair means the person you’re involved with is married or committed to someone else. Maybe you, too, are married.

When you want to end an affair with someone you love, focus on why you need to stop cheating, lying, and stealing what doesn’t belong to you. What are you unleashing in the world, and how is it affecting your heart, spirit, and soul?. Why have you chosen to have an affair? Think about your motivations, unmet needs, and weaknesses. Go beyond the “I can’t end the affair because I’m in love” impulse. Be a bigger, stronger, wiser and more compassionate person.

If you’re struggling with guilt, read How to Forgive Yourself for Having an Affair.

2. Decide why you want to end the affair

Maybe your affair partner is breaking off the relationship. Even if you don’t want the affair to end, you know that it’s not right, good, or healthy in the long run. Grieve your loss, but don’t focus on the pain of breaking up. Instead, focus on the emotional and spiritual freedom that the end of an affair brings. You won’t be chained to lies, betrayal, and cheating after the affair ends. You will be free to rebuild your self-respect and create a fresh new life for yourself. Remember that learning how to end an affair involves staying focused on why it’s time to break free.

3. Be firm about ending the affair

Breaking up is always hard – and ending an affair with someone you love is no different. You know you need to stop because cheating is painful and destructive. And your endless searching for tips on how to end an affair is redundant and unnecessary. Why? Because you already know how to break up with someone. You just don’t want to do it. You haven’t been firm with yourself or your affair partner; you’re allowing yourself to go around in circles. Instead, you need to permanently decide that the affair is over. Stick to your decision, and clearly and firmly communicate your decision to the person you’re cheating with.

4. Prepare for a period of grief

In How to Recreate Yourself After a Relationship Ends I describe why it’s hard to end even the unhealthiest relationships. One way to end an affair is to think about the most difficult thing you experienced — and survived — in the past. Remember how you dealt with the pain, tragedy, hurt, and negativity. Reflect on how you grieved, healed, broke free. How did you recreate yourself and start over? Time helps, but you have to actively move forward.

5. Allow others to react

If your partner, children, family members, and friends learn that you cheated, ending the affair may not be the hardest part. Worse might be the reactions and fallout of the affair. Cheating is devastating for everyone; prepare for the worst possible reactions. How? By accepting that the consequences of an affair are painful and even devastating. Remember that recovery doesn’t happen overnight. If your children know about the affair, they’ll never look at you as a parent the same again. They’ll never see marriage or relationships in the same light, with the same innocence and trust. This is the reality of cheating. It’s ugly, but facing the truth will help you end the affair even when you’re still in love.


6. Speak with honesty – and with wisdom

As painful as the truth about your affair is, honesty is better than lies. But be careful – this isn’t a blanket statement for all situations and all people! Think carefully about who you’re honest with, why you believe the truth is worth telling, what you will say, and how you will say it.

If you’re searching for tips on how to end an affair because you don’t know what to say to your affair partner, think carefully about his or her personality. Will hurt feelings turn into a need for revenge? Be cautious. This is why it is important to figure out why you got involved and why you want to end the affair. Get clarity and insight into your own motivations, so you can be honest without making the breakup more painful than it has to be.

7. Expect the breakup to hurt – but you know that you will heal

How to End an Affair You Want to Continue
Ending an Affair You Want to Continue

Ending an affair and healing won’t happen overnight. You’ll grieve the breakup because you love him. You’ll regret letting him go. You’ll wish you were back together, and you’ll cry yourself to sleep at night. But, you will heal and move on! You will be proud of yourself that you had the courage and dignity to end this affair, and you will find someone who treats you with respect and love.

Read Emotionally Detaching From Someone You Have to Let Go for practical tips and emotional support.

8. Cut off all contact

Protect yourself from his texts, phone calls, Facebook popups, emails, Facetime prompts, Tweets, blog comments, or notes at work. You’re just setting yourself up to be drawn back into cheating. Don’t let him con his way back into your life – this is one of the times you can’t be friends with your ex. It may seem cruel to both you and him, but it’s the best way to stop dating a married man.

It’s painful and depressing at first, but it does get easier. The sooner you start letting go, the sooner your heart will begin to heal.

9. Make significant changes in your life

After you end the affair, you need to refresh your life. The reader who commented on my “how to stop dating a married man” article needs to decide if she wants to continue living in an empty marriage, or if she should start over. She needs to start finding her identity in healthier, more respectable ways. She needs to change her life, and reconnect with herself.

Ending an affair is the perfect time to start reconnecting with God. Who is He to you, and what does His presence mean in your life? Taking care of your spiritual health is the most important thing you will ever do, for it has eternal consequences. What could be more significant than that? If you want to know how to end an affair, take a moment to pray for guidance. Ask for strength, wisdom, power, and healing in your life.

10. Learn about letting go and recovering

If you don’t think you can end this affair because you love him, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love. You may feel like you can’t live without him, but you know the truth. The truth is that you CAN live without him and you will be happier after the affair is over.

How to End the Affair With SOmeone You Love She Blossoms

In Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair, pastor and marriage counselor Dave Carder helps readers sort through the factors that contribute to infidelity and map out a recovery process for both partners. With compassion and wisdom rooted in the Bible, Carder offers insight for the victims of adultery and the individuals who had the affair. It’s helpful to have a roadmap or recovery process when you’re learning how to end an affair with someone you want to be with.

Believe it or not, the grief and suffering you feel when an affair ends is the perfect time to get emotionally and spiritually healthy. You’re at a low point in your life — and it can be a time of healing, growth, and renewal. Ending the affair may give you a chance to renew your faith and recommit your life to something meaningful and deep.


Want to Blossom?

Get my free "Echoes of Joy" email! Once a week, short & sweet.

* indicates required



*

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

13 thoughts on “How to End an Affair You Want to Continue”

  1. Hello all. I saw my affair coming to an end when he started making excuses why we couldn’t spend time together. Tired, working too much, stressed – whatever. Stupidly I kept talking to him after he benched me. Just texting but he always put on great efforts to flatter and take me for coffee frequently. He always laid on the pity me, poor me card pretty hard at times. Why did I stick around so long & let my self-esteem go to pot? Still to this day I hate myself.

    He never once said I love you or even I care about you. He loved hugging and kissing. The stuff he wasn’t getting from wifey. In retrospect he was pretty crappy at pleasing me physically. I never had the big O once. He was affectionate at times but never really loving. That’s how I know now I was just being used.

    Heck he never even bought me dinner, not once!! I never demanded much either come to think of it. I keep hating myself for accepting so little. I dont think I can ever have a truly loving relationship due to how little I think I deserve . Even years of counseling has not changed anything.

    Even tho I have become fully self aware & realize the toxicity of it all, I’m afraid with any new man, I will relinquish my boundaries to feel loved. And again be taken advantage of.

    As for the affair, I have ceased all contact and no further reaching out I recognize he is a “player’ who is only into his own best interests.

    I only feel sorrow and regret for all the other ladies who he is manipulating and using. I pray they can see the darkness before the storm – which will loom ahead of them.

  2. Ok, ladies, bad girt here. I am having an {emotional?) affair with my pastor. I say emotional because we have not had intercourse, just touching and tallking and some very wild phone sex. Both of us are married to spouses who do not give us sex. I know it is wrong and so does he. We have stopped this because we want to be right with God, Maybe that should change? I am a bit confused. . Here’s my question: can I be healed totally and still be in his church? God called me there but is that revoked by our relationship? I do fine for awhile and then I have to see him again…

  3. It does get better and easier! It’s hard to make the decision to end the affair — or to accept that the man you’re cheating with wants to break up with you. It hurts because you miss him and you didn’t mean to fall in love with him. But remember that you’re going through a painful season of grief and loss. You are sad and lonely right now, but you won’t always feel this way. You’re suffering today, but you will start to feel more hopeful about the future.

    Your heart will heal, and you may even become stronger, healthier, and wiser. And if your relationship with God gets better — if you actually learn more about Jesus Christ and what He did for you on the cross — then your joy will be deeper than you can ever imagine. If you open your heart to the Holy Spirit and listen for His voice, your healing will be deep and fruitful. It may not be quick or easy because nothing worthwhile is…but it will be deep and complete.

  4. I am the original poster. That was January 2018. I had a really bad year. I tried contacting him once and really got nothing. Then In December 2019 without saying how, we got back together. He won’t admit it but I know there was another woman after me and that is why he stopped contacting me. This time around he does not have much time (different circumstances) so our meetings consist of kissing once a week on my lunch breaks. He texts me every day. But I did found him online again on a cheating site. He doesn’t know that I know. He wants to meet today and I think I am going to say I will go meet him but I really wont go. I am thinking of sending a picture to his profile (with the bird) and then he will know i caught him! Then I will block him on everything so I can’t read any messages at all. I was in love with him for so long and now he is repulsing me. I am actually glad we reconnected. It has really helped me to see what he is really like. And this time I am the one ending it. NOt sure I am doing the right thing or doing it the right way but…? any suggestions?

  5. Nothing is wrong with you, or me. Satan saw a weakness and moved on it. Mine was a business associate. We skated on dangerous territory and yet we kept going. There was never talk of it being forever, we just agreed to be together when we could, for as long as we could. We tried ending it a few times and I think I am finally at the point where I am done because I don’t like how I feel anymore – the shame, the lack of respect for myself. And the fact that I gave satan leverage and a foothold. Now I’m reading a lot about spiritual warfare, and picking up the pieces. Thankful the worst thing that happened was the emotional difficulty, nobody found out, nobody but us got hurt. But the heartache has been punishment enough. Just press in to God, there are natural consequences, but there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. <3

  6. I’m writing this because, you guessed it, I fell in love with a married man. It started as a friendship, we shared confidences with each other, and literally studied scripture together. Crazy, I know. The guilt has become overwhelming and made me feel like the worst woman ever. I am divorcing, he is not. We both feel like we are in love, andyou know what, it isn’t enough. I’m alone and lonely all the time. He has a life, a wife and no exit plan. I am praying for the strength to be the respectable woman I should’ve been all along. His constant plans for our future have stopped and the feeling of just being his side piece is the sick reality. What is wrong with me? Went from vulnerable to deplorable! I couldn’t be more sorry for ever talking to this man.

  7. Read your post this evening and it’s exactly what I’m going through. I’ve accused him of having someone else too. He hasn’t been texting me and it’s been very hurtful but I’ve tried and tried to get away from him and he keeps pursuing. This last time I went 3 weeks without unblocking him. I unblocked him and didn’t get messages so I texted and I only got cold replies and only if I texted. It’s just weird. I want it to be done so I’m done with the emotional roller coaster but at the same time I miss having him to talk to about my days.

  8. My biggest struggle has been realizing I’m valuable without a man telling me I’m beautiful, amazing, and awesome. I break it off and my phone is silent. I get no more attention. I no longer have those moments of being held, hugged, and kissed. Then all these negative thoughts flood my mind and then the urge to text him or contact him creep in. I either get the attention I’m seeking or I get rejected which throws me into an emotional moment and I have to start all over again with healing and getting away from a relationship that is going nowhere. He is only available when he needs something and leaves me feeling used. Why can’t I just learn and stop wanting him?

  9. I am having a hard time at the moment trying to get over a married man. There has been no closure so I am not sure what is going on but I have to assume it is over. He gave me attention and I fell for him. He has no idea how I feel about him. I am a very lonely person and have zero self esteem, so even though what I did was wrong I didn’t even care. It has been up and down with emotions since day one! I tried to end it once by going cold turkey. I was crying at work and couldn’t go through with it and started seeing him again. Then I thought he was acting weird so I accused him of cheating on me with other women. He denied it. (not sure if its true or not). A few days after this I got a story that his wife found something out and he had to lay low. (he sounded believable but I still wonder if it was a lie to get rid of me) Then he went out of town and while he was out of town he continued texting every few days, saying he missed me and wanted to see me when he got home. He has been home for over two weeks now and has only texted twice but isn’t saying anything. The last text was a week ago, so I am assuming it is over. I am trying not to text him at all. I assume he is either working it out with his wife, or found someone else, or both! It is killing me. Today I was happy earlier in the day and towards night I felt horrible again. I have depression to begin with so this is just agony! I need all the help I can get!

  10. Well I stopped dating a married man months ago because I know God has a better plan for me. I’m passed the hurt, loneliness and I’ve forgiven him and myself. I know that I’m a great woman and I deserve more. You have to know that you are worth more than being second or last. Understand he is human. He lies and plays deceitful games to get what he wants. You are better than the way he treats you. The one problem I have is he will not stop calling or texting. He comes by my home without notice to the point that I don’t answer my door anymore. I don’t answer the phone or text or the door for weeks unless I’m annoyed. When I do he starts begging. It doesn’t work because I know my value. What do I do to get rid of this married man?

  11. I ended my affair with a married man of 7 months. Its been 3 weeks and i’ve cried everyday.
    He was so wonderful to me but trying to see each other became difficult and towards the end he stopped returning phone calls,and blew me off when we talked about trying to see each other. I had enough. I purposely called him while he was at work to leave him a voice mail that I could no longer see him and to not contact me. I’ve been through feeling guilty,how did i end up with a married man? I’ve thought about his wife,wondering what kind of person she is and feeling bad that her husband wasn’t loyal to her. It took many attempts to let this man go,and I’m feeling empty but I don’t have to feel insecure,paranoid or not important enough anymore.