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How Do I Trust My Fiancé After He Sexted His Ex and Lied to Me?

Q: “My fiancé and I have been together for almost 2 years. Most would say we had the fairy tale relationship. I had anxiety for a few months, wasn’t sure why or what it was about… then went into his work van, only to find a cell phone bill for a phone in his name. I found out he had been lying about everything for a long time, and was having an emotional affair and was sexting his ex and going on sites like adult friend finder and other one night stand sites. I was crushed. The man that I looked at as my hero was nothing but a fraud!! I immediately left him. A few months later I realized I was in too far and couldn’t just ignore my heart. I went back with the promise of major changes and him being sincerely sorry. I still cannot after 3 months even get past the first stages of trusting him. I know if I can trust my fiancé again, our lives will be amazing. How can I trust him?”

Trusting Your Fiance After He Sexted His Ex and Lied to You

A: It’s tricky to figure out if you’re having trouble trusting your fiancé because you’re insecure and suspicious (or jealous), or if you know deep down that he’s not a guy you can trust. Your gut is trying to tell you if you can trust him after he sexted his ex and lied to you for a long time – that’s why you were so anxious!

Your gut knows what you’re afraid to face. You want to trust your fiancé because you love him, and you don’t want to give up on the dream of marrying him, having kids, and living happily ever after. I don’t blame you – I’ve stayed with several guys because I didn’t want to leave. I’ve even stayed in loveless relationships because I didn’t think anyone else would love me.

I think you have an idealistic perspective of love and marriage. You mention a “fairy tale relationship” and your fiancé  being your “hero”…and I’m telling you right now that neither thing exists. There is no such thing as a fairy tale relationship, except in storybooks and movies. No man is a hero, except in fairy tales and movies. In reality, love and marriage is complicated, messy, and difficult.

Here are some questions to think about:

  • What has your fiancé done to earn your trust?
  • What “major changes” has he made?
  • Have those changes convinced you that he’s trustworthy?
  • Have you talked to a counselor?
  • Why did you get back together with your fiancé? What did you mean by “in too far”? (Some women get back together with their ex-boyfriends or ex-fiancés because of money, embarrassment, children, low self-esteem, etc)

These are really important questions to seriously think about. Write down the answers, and don’t be afraid to leave your fiancé if you know deep in your gut it’s the right thing to do! Love isn’t enough to build a marriage on. You need trust, respect, honor, and communication.

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If you don’t want to break up, read 8 Tips for Rebuilding Trust in Your Spouse After Infidelity.

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