One of the most important tips on how to save your marriage from divorce is to remember that most marital problems are unresolvable. Don’t waste precious energy chasing solutions that don’t exist!
If you need relationship help, read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman. From his work with married couples, he has learned that screaming matches don’t necessarily mean divorce is on the way and healthy couples don’t necessarily resolve every problem.
I like this book because it describes some of the problems happy married couples face. For instance, about 60% of the conflicts in happy marriages are unresolvable. So, there’s no point in wasting time and energy trying to solve problems that have no solution! Dr Gottman says that happily married couples accept that these problems are unresolvable, and learn to live with them without damaging their relationship.
How to Save Your Marriage
1. Apologize for your role in your marital problems. Whatever your marriage problems are, it’s likely that you’re both responsible. Apologizing for your actions and attitudes is a simple, powerful way to save your marriage without counseling and rebuild trust. You’re both in pain, you both may feel defensive, scared and confused – and a sincere, heartfelt apology can make a huge difference in your relationship.
2. Hear your spouse when he or she talks — really listen. No matter how difficult it is, don’t just hear your spouse; echo what he or she says in your own words. Don’t try to convince him or her to think or feel a different way. Listen intently – without interrupting – until he or she has nothing else to say about you, your style of love, or your marriage. Saving your marriage from divorce is about showing your spouse you get him or her.
3. Discuss the reasons for your marriage problems. Maybe there’s one root cause of your marriage problems; maybe there are several little things. Be as honest as you can about why your marriage needs saving — and don’t try to argue your spouse out of his or her beliefs. Discuss whether marriage counseling might help you reconnect and save your marriage from divorce.
4. Revamp your lives, to focus on reconnection. What activities or people bring you closer together, and help you build a strong marriage? What activities or people pull you apart? To save your marriage from divorce, you need to focus on those things that bring you together. This may mean marriage counseling to rebuild trust, reading books like The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, or taking a marriage workshop or course together.
5. Discuss how your marriage has changed over the years. How have kids, financial debt, family members, work responsibilities, and household chores changed your marriage? Some changes are good, and reflect growth. Other changes bring marriage problems, which is why you’re wondering how to save your marriage from divorce! The more insight you have into the causes of the changes in your relationship, the better off you’ll be.
6. Accept that it takes time to save your marriage from divorce – but it’s worth it. Reconnecting and rebuilding your marriage doesn’t happen overnight, especially if there are serious marriage problems. Sometimes it takes weeks for wounds to heal; sometimes betrayals and hurts never fully heal. Saving your marriage from divorce takes takes conscious effort – but it’s worth it.
Is your relationship in trouble? Get 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage from relationship coach Mort Fertel. It's free and helpful, no strings attached.
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If you have any thoughts on reconnecting or saving your marriage from divorce, please comment below…