Your husband looks at other women, online and in person. Here’s how to get him to want you again – and it’s not about increasing your sex appeal, losing weight or being a more attractive woman.
In Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, Dr David Schnarch explores the ways we can keep passion alive and even reach the height of sexual and emotional fulfillment later in life.
I’m inspired to write this by a wife who wrote the following comment:
“The first 10 years of marriage were great! We’ve been married for 24 years. My husband wanted more in bed than I felt comfortable with. He has always watched movies, then he found the internet. He insisted on intimate things I would not perform and eventually he has stopped all contact. It’s been 4 years of medical issues and me being a nursemaid. Now he says he has ED, however I got on his email and found pictures of him working just fine. I have lost any desire for him because I think I feel inadequate to his needs, but I also think I just don’t want to be intimate with him. I know I have hurt him because I’m not interested in sex, but was it right for him to insist on certain things? If I could get it out of my head of what he wants maybe it would change.”
She wrote this on How Do You Forgive Your Husband for Cheating? Nowhere did she mention leaving her husband or starting over with someone new. After 24 years of marriage, I think she’s set in her ways and her home. She’s lost respect for him, she doesn’t want him as a husband, but she’s not ready to think about leaving him.
And that’s fair. It’s never easy to think about leaving a man you’ve been with for more than two decades, much less get a divorce! She stood up for herself by saying no to his requests in the bedroom, and I think that’s fantastic. Good for her.
My tips are on increasing your appeal as a wife – but not in the traditional sense.
How to Get Your Husband to Want You
The first step is to think about the difference between loving sex between a husband and wife, and sex for other reasons. You can’t make your husband want you if he is interested in sex for unhealthy, unloving, un-married-type reasons. If he doesn’t want healthy intimacy, romance, and passion (which is much, much different than looking at women online), then you simply can’t make him want you because he isn’t looking for healthy wifely relationships.
The second step is to find the courage to decide what you’re willing to put up with in your marriage.
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Remember what healthy married sex is not about
Your husband’s thirst in the bedroom isn’t about sex, and it won’t be quenched if you comply. Rather, he’ll get more and more demanding, and you’ll be more and more degraded. The sex he wants isn’t about love and respect, or mutual satisfaction. It’s about treating women like objects, and being bored with his own life. His life has no meaning or depth, and he’s turning to the internet for distraction.
NEVER do something your husband wants when you don’t feel good about it or yourself. I don’t care how much you love him – do not let him treat you like an animal or an object.
Learn what healthy married sex is, from books or marriage counselors. Think about your most trusted friends – can you talk to someone? It doesn’t matter if you’re 22 or 62; you still have questions about sex. It’s good to talk about it with an objective woman who will help you see the difference between a healthy versus unhealthy intimate marriage.
If you know your husband isn’t asking you for healthy intimacy, read Marriage Advice From a Wife Who Stayed Married Too Long.
Get emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy
How healthy is your spirit, soul, mind, and body? Are you happy with who you are and where your life is headed? Is your life full of meaning and fulfillment?
If you know your husband isn’t interested in you as a healthy woman, then I think you should stop worrying about how you can get him to want you again. Instead, start thinking about your life. If you aren’t happy with your marriage because you’re at a roadblock, then you need to decide if it’s time to make changes.
A happy marriage isn’t about getting your husband to be attracted to you, it’s about communication and compromise and daily acts of love that go beyond physical intimacy. I believe healthy sex is vital to a happy married life, but I think if you’re overly focused on getting him to want you, then something is wrong with your marriage.
The first step to fixing your marriage is getting yourself as healthy as possible.
I think the first step to getting your husband to want you is to let go of the need to please him. If he told you what he wants and you aren’t willing to go there, then you are at a crossroads. How will you handle this, as a couple?
Feel free to share your thoughts below.