These steps towards healing from a bad break up will help you move on with your life – even if you don’t understand why your ex broke up with you.
“Sometimes the partner ending the relationship doesn’t quite know themselves why they are ending it – it’s more of a feeling or intuitive urge,” says transformational coach Gini Grey. “Because I work from an energetic and spiritual perspective with clients, I’ve seen relationships end that made no sense to the client I was working with.”
Below, Grey describes her tips for healing from a bad breakup when you don’t have relationship closure from a spiritual/intuitive perspective. And, I added my tips from a practical, psychological viewpoint.
6 Steps to Healing From a Bad Breakup
Was the breakup a shock? Read How to Deal With the Pain of Rejection
Take a step back from your relationship
Grey explains the importance of turning inward when you don’t understand why your partner left. Look at your love relationship and ex from a more energetic/spiritual/intuitive place, and begin to see the ‘why’s. “People may not even be able to explain it intellectually but they get it on a deeper level and find peace as a result,” she says, suggesting that heartbroken people take time in a “meditative state” and look at the relationship as though it is outside of themselves.
Notice what messages come when you ask these questions:
- Why were we together? (purpose of relationship – to grow, learn, love, heal a pattern etc.)
- Why did the relationship end? (there are common reasons relationships fail)
- What is the benefit of us splitting up? (there is usually a benefit to anything ending, even though it feels painful going through the grieving at first)
- What is my next best step? (you might get an image of something, a sensation or just a knowing what to do next)
“The important thing is to stay out of the intellect trying to analyze things as that only blocks the higher truth,” says Grey. “Looking at it from a centered, grounded place can be very illuminating.”
Shift your focus from your broken heart to a new beginning
This is difficult to do when you’re healing after a bad breakup and you don’t have closure, but it’s very healthy! Instead of ruminating on your loss and the way things were, start planning your new life and deliberately focusing on ways to mend your broken heart. What have you always wanted to do? What interests have you allowed to slide, that you can now focus on? Start thinking about your life goals – and remember that there is life after you’ve been dumped!
Healing from a bad breakup is also about forgiving yourself for staying in a bad relationship.
Substitute your time with your ex with different activities
My husband and I make pizza together every Sunday evening. If anything ever happened to him or to us, I’d be tempted to wallow in tears and self-pity on Sunday nights…but instead, I’d need to take my own breakup advice and do something different during that time: volunteer at a homeless shelter, get out of town, visit family or friends, or take horse riding lessons. Anything that shifts my attention from my loss to something more interesting helps people get over getting dumped.
Think about what went wrong in the relationship
After you’ve had a few months to mend your broken heart, try to figure out why your relationship ended.
Did you and your partner fight often, and what about? Did your partner frequently (or even occasionally) bring up issues that you didn’t want to talk about? What red flags were you ignoring? What needs weren’t being met? Your love relationship ended for a reason.
Talk to someone about healing from a bad breakup
You don’t necessarily need to talk to a counselor or therapist to get help mending a broken heart, but it can sure help. A counselor or objective third party can help you see things that aren’t obvious to you, or that you’re afraid or unwilling to see. If a counselor isn’t an option, consider talking to a pastor, spiritual mentor or leader, wise friend, trusted colleague, or a family member.
Remember that you can choose to be happier because of the relationship breakup
Getting over getting dumped is a choice. It’s a difficult choice – I know how much it hurts – but it’s much healthier in the long run than holding on to the pain, confusion, hope for reconciliation, and frustration. You can choose to be a healthy, happy person who can put the past where it belongs: behind you. Learn from the loss of your love relationship, and allow it to make you a better person.
If you want to stay together, read How to Solve Relationship Problems Without Breaking Up.
Is your relationship in trouble? Get 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage from relationship coach Mort Fertel. It's free and helpful, no strings attached.
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