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6 Steps to Healing From a Bad Breakup

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These steps towards healing from a bad break up will help you move on with your life – even if you don’t understand why your ex broke up with you.

“Sometimes the partner ending the relationship doesn’t quite know themselves why they are ending it – it’s more of a feeling or intuitive urge,” says transformational coach Gini Grey. “Because I work from an energetic and spiritual perspective with clients, I’ve seen relationships end that made no sense to the client I was working with.”

Below, Grey describes her tips for healing from a bad breakup when you don’t have relationship closure from a spiritual/intuitive perspective. And, I added my tips from a practical, psychological viewpoint.

6 Steps to Healing From a Bad Breakup

Was the breakup a shock? Read How to Deal With the Pain of Rejection

Take a step back from your relationship

Grey explains the importance of turning inward when you don’t understand why your partner left. Look at your love relationship and ex from a more energetic/spiritual/intuitive place, and begin to see the ‘why’s. “People may not even be able to explain it intellectually but they get it on a deeper level and find peace as a result,” she says, suggesting that heartbroken people take time in a “meditative state” and look at the relationship as though it is outside of themselves.

Notice what messages come when you ask these questions:

  • Why were we together? (purpose of relationship – to grow, learn, love, heal a pattern etc.)
  • Why did the relationship end? (there are common reasons relationships fail)
  • What is the benefit of us splitting up? (there is usually a benefit to anything ending, even though it feels painful going through the grieving at first)
  • What is my next best step? (you might get an image of something, a sensation or just a knowing what to do next)

“The important thing is to stay out of the intellect trying to analyze things as that only blocks the higher truth,” says Grey. “Looking at it from a centered, grounded place can be very illuminating.”

Shift your focus from your broken heart to a new beginning

This is difficult to do when you’re healing after a bad breakup and you don’t have closure, but it’s very healthy! Instead of ruminating on your loss and the way things were, start planning your new life and deliberately focusing on ways to mend your broken heart. What have you always wanted to do? What interests have you allowed to slide, that you can now focus on? Start thinking about your life goals – and remember that there is life after you’ve been dumped!

Healing from a bad breakup is also about forgiving yourself for staying in a bad relationship.

Substitute your time with your ex with different activities

My husband and I make pizza together every Sunday evening. If anything ever happened to him or to us, I’d be tempted to wallow in tears and self-pity on Sunday nights…but instead, I’d need to take my own breakup advice and do something different during that time: volunteer at a homeless shelter, get out of town, visit family or friends, or take horse riding lessons. Anything that shifts my attention from my loss to something more interesting helps people get over getting dumped.

Think about what went wrong in the relationship

Steps to Healing From a Bad Breakup

6 Steps to Healing From a Bad Breakup

After you’ve had a few months to mend your broken heart, try to figure out why your relationship ended.

Did you and your partner fight often, and what about? Did your partner frequently (or even occasionally) bring up issues that you didn’t want to talk about? What red flags were you ignoring? What needs weren’t being met? Your love relationship ended for a reason.

Talk to someone about healing from a bad breakup

You don’t necessarily need to talk to a counselor or therapist to get help mending a broken heart, but it can sure help. A counselor or objective third party can help you see things that aren’t obvious to you, or that you’re afraid or unwilling to see. If a counselor isn’t an option, consider talking to a pastor, spiritual mentor or leader, wise friend, trusted colleague, or a family member.

Remember that you can choose to be happier because of the relationship breakup

Getting over getting dumped is a choice. It’s a difficult choice – I know how much it hurts – but it’s much healthier in the long run than holding on to the pain, confusion, hope for reconciliation, and frustration. You can choose to be a healthy, happy person who can put the past where it belongs: behind you. Learn from the loss of your love relationship, and allow it to make you a better person.

If you want to stay together, read How to Solve Relationship Problems Without Breaking Up.


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10 thoughts on “6 Steps to Healing From a Bad Breakup”

  1. Iv just been dumped by my marriedlover, has just stopped messaging me, well perhaps it my karma for helping him cheat on his wife for five yrs, but would have like proper closer, with a good bye just shows what a weak coward he is, thank you for these steps for healing from a bad breakup.

  2. Dear Meredith,

    It sounds like you’re been through a lot recently, with losing your father and your partner leaving you right before the holidays. Not to mention your daughter missing him, and his presence in her life! It’s very painful.

    I recently wrote an article about finding peace after a breakup. It might help you cope with the anger you feel.

    Thank you for sharing your story here, and I wish you all the best as you move forward in your life.


  3. I spent 7 years with a man, our kids grew up together & he decided he wanted new! I lost my father 4 months earlier & he did this right before the holidays! As if this isn’t bad enough, we work together. 7 weeks later I’m picking up the pieces of my life as well as trying to explain all this to my daughter who can’t figure out why her “dad” left her & he is Christmas shopping for his new girlfriend! I want to move on & let go but it is hard! The anger I feel is so intense, not to mention the hurt! How does one move on from this? I wish I was like him, 7 weeks & a new life…

  4. My girl and i broke up and its about 13 minutes ago while i’m writing this, the reason why we broke up is the distance she’s in dubai i am here in the philippines, it feels like hell and suddenly i realize i am only the one who’s in love from the very beginning of our relationship it feels like she just give me the chance to have a girlfriend, it’s like one sided love WTF!

  5. I am seriously heartbroken right now and need help.
    I am 28 years old. The lady whom I love so so dearly and have been with for 3 years, whom also loved me beyond words (or so I thought) just travelled during the yuletide to see her parents. Only to call me and told me that some other guy was coming to ask her hands in marriage and her parents have accepted. I got scared and angry. Gradually, we both started reducing the number of calls we made to each other… before then, whenever we were apart, we talked to each other almost every 30 minutes. At first I thought it was one of our usual quarrels (because we always had quarrels and after a while either she or myself calls back to reconcile), but when I did not receive any call from her after almost 3 weeks I got really, so I checked her out on facebook. That was when I got the real shocker of my life, she had already pasted the other guy’s picture boldly on her facebook page and reffered to him as MINE. I was so devastated beyond belief. So I called her and she told me that her marriage was already 2 months ahead and she’s already in love with the guy. She used harsh words like “GO AND MARRY YOUR MOTHER” and “STUPID”.

    I am really heartbroken and need help. Please help me

  6. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    I agree, Rick: letting go is painful and slow. It takes time to let go completely — and move on with someone new.

    Of course, if you see it as “getting dumped”, then mending your broken heart might be more difficult, because there may be some self-esteem issues involved.

  7. letting go is awfully painful and slow. No closure is totally hell. Just learned its ok to not let go completely. thought something was wrong with me, but its normal….found someone new and she is terrific, understands my fears and doubts, she is really helping by taking things slow, and thats just what i need. there really is hope for a happier and brighter future. one day at a time…….their loss is your gain… wishes…

  8. Thanks for your comment, Carly!

    Focusing on the reasons it’s better that the relationship is over will help you heal faster than if you focus on your lost love, or your feelings of sadness that you “got dumped.”

    But, this is definitely easier said than done…

  9. I think you are right. If you get dumped the best thing to do is step back and look at why you were in the relationship. It totally sucks getting dumped, but it usually means that something better is on its way.