While there is no set time for getting over an affair, these tips will help you figure out how long it may take to heal after cheating in a relationship.
It may help to read as much as you can about surviving affairs, so you can see how other couples got over an affair. One of the bestselling books for healing after an affair is Not “Just Friends”Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity.
Affairs don’t necessarily mean your marriage is over. But, rebuilding a relationship after cheating is tricky when the partner who cheated needs time to get over his lover. It’s painful to think that your partner needs to fall out of love with someone else…but that may influence how long it takes to get over an affair.
Here’s what one reader says: “My husband of 9 years cheated on me,” says M on Is My Marriage Over? “He says he doesn’t want to lose me and loves me, but has feelings for the other person. He ended it with her, but she keeps texting him. He says he needs time to get over the affair. I want to work it out with him, and he says he does too. How long should I wait for him to get over his feelings for her? Is the marriage saveable if he loves two people? Any help would be appreciated.”
Consider talking to a marriage counsellor in person about getting over an affair. I know it’s easier to search the internet and ask for advice, but honestly…it’s important to do the work in person, with someone who can help you work through your thoughts and feelings.
How Long Does it Take to Get Over an Affair?
Of course, there is no cut-and-dried answer. Maybe it’ll take him two weeks to get over his feelings for the woman he had the affair with; maybe it’ll take two years. Maybe he’ll always love her (O daggers in your heart!).
More importantly, you need to figure out why you want to save your marriage. Why do you want to work it out with him? How badly do you want to stay married? Answering those questions may help you determine how long you should wait for him to get over the affair.
Make sure your husband has cut off communication with his affair partner
“M’s husband is still connected to the woman he had an affair with. It doesn’t matter that he said he ended things; the fact is, he’s still receiving text messages from her.” This is very bad news when it comes to getting over an affair! In fact, it is not acceptable. If he really wants to rebuild his marriage after an affair, he needs to change his phone number, get a new email address, find a different job – do whatever it takes to end the affair.
If your husband is still communicating with the other woman, then you’ll be waiting for a long time for him to get over it. If he’s still in love with the woman he had an affair with, you’ll be waiting a long, long time.
Do you know why he had the affair? Understanding your husband’s motivation may help both of you heal. Read Why Men Cheat for a marriage counselor and relationship therapists’s perspective. Getting over an affair might be easier if you know the root of the problem.
Assess your husband’s level of remorse and willingness to work on your relationship
“The ability to forgive [your husband for having an affair] makes you a better and stronger human being,” says Anne Bercht, author of My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me. “It takes greater strength of character to rebuild a marriage after an affair, than to just give up and quit. If you really love your spouse, and your spouse expresses genuine remorse and is willing to do their part in rebuilding the marriage, there are greater rewards in staying than there are in giving up.”
Does your husband express genuine remorse for the affair? Is he willing to do his part to save and rebuild your relationship? Figuring out how long getting over an affair and saving your marriage takes depends his attitude, personality, and level of honesty.
Decide if you can live with a man who has feelings for another woman
Sure, a man can love two women at the same time. Love is boundless, limitless, timeless. A more important question is whether you want to be married to a husband who has feelings for another woman. And, it’s important to remember that feelings of love and intimacy don’t disappear overnight. Sometimes we never stop loving people. Getting over an affair may involve accepting that your partner has feelings for someone else. Painful, but possible.
Do you want to rebuild your marriage even if your husband is in love with the woman he had an affair with? This is a question only you can answer.
What do you think – how long does getting over an affair take? I welcome your thoughts below.