How to Get Out of a Relationship When You Have Nowhere to Go

You need to know how to get out of a relationship when you have no family to lean on and nowhere to go.  How do you leave and start over when you have no money and nobody to trust?

getting out of relationshipOn my article about getting money to leave your husband, a reader asked for help getting away from her abusive partner. It always breaks my heart when readers ask for help, because I never know what to do or say. I can’t give advice, because I don’t know their situations, personalities, or mental or emotional states.

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher is a great way to start focusing on your future. You may still feel trapped in your relationship, but it’s important to start thinking about where you are going. Here, I can offer encouragement and ideas that may help you look at your life differently. I believe in the power and strength that spirituality offers. What do you believe in? Do you have a relationship with your Creator, God, Allah, or something Greater than yourself? That might be the first step towards getting out of an unhealthy relationship.

Getting Out of a Relationship When You Have Nowhere to Go

I’m a MSW (Master of Social Work) student at UBC in Vancouver. Yesterday in class we talked about a “strengths-based approach” to client care. Here’s what a social worker or counselor may tell you about getting out of a bad relationship when you have no support or money.

Focus on your strengths

You may feel weak, powerless, and helpless. If you’re in an abusive relationship, your partner may have stripped away your identity, support system, self-confidence, and connections to the people you love. The last thing you feel is strong, and it may seem impossible to focus on anything but surviving the next hour.

However, if you want to get out of this relationship, you need to find a seed of strength and resilience inside you. Think back to a time in your life when you were strong, when you did something you didn’t think you could do. What resources did you have – what people, energy, support did you have? How did you survive the stress in your life?

There is a kernel of strength and power in you. You have strengths that you’re not focusing on – perhaps that you’re not even aware of! But they’re there, and they will help you get out of this relationship even if you have nowhere to go.

Start talking about getting out of your relationship

get out of relationship

“How to Get Out of a Relationship When You Have Nowhere to Go” image by Laurie

The reader who recently asked for help getting out of her relationship said she was employed with the Army, on active duty. I don’t know if her husband also works in the Army, but if he does there may be some sort of support there. It seems impossible and even crazy to call your husband’s work for help getting away from him, but you have no choice if you want to leave!

You are NOT all alone, helpless, and stuck with nowhere to go. Help is out there waiting, but you have to reach out for it. You have to call women’s shelters, support groups, Social Services. You have to talk to your kids’ teachers and the guidance counselor at school. You have to call the family you didn’t think you could rely on.

You have to start telling people that you want to get out of your relationship, and that you have nowhere to go. Then, you need to seize the opportunities that are offered to you – and start focusing on how to get over a bad breakup.

It’s as simple, and as difficult, as that.

For more tips on getting out of a relationship when you have nowhere to go, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love. And as always, feel free to comment below.

I welcome your thoughts on how to get out of a relationship when you have nowhere to go. I can’t offer advice, but it may help you to share what you’re going through.

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60 thoughts on “How to Get Out of a Relationship When You Have Nowhere to Go

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Gabby,
    You’re a brave, smart young woman! I’m glad you’re here, and I can see how much you love your mom and sister. It’s not fair that you’re in this situation, and I’m sorry you have to think about how to help your mom get out of a relationship….especially since you have no where to go right now.
    I have lots of thoughts for you – too many to put here! So I wrote a whole article for you:

    How to Help Your Mom Leave an Abusive Relationship

    Please call the police, Social Services, and women’s helplines until you find a place you’re safe. Talk to your teachers, guidance counselors, and social workers until you figure out what to do. You don’t have to live in fear and abuse — and your mom may not have the strength it takes to leave.

    Read the article I wrote for you, and let me know how you are!


  • Gabby

    I am 16 and trying to help my mother get out of an abusive marriage. My father was an alcoholic and ruined her career by calling the cops and lying to them. She has had a disorderly conduct for 10 years now, and it still won’t get off of her record. She has had a hard time of getting a job being a teacher, like she used to be. He calls her names, threatens her with calling the cops again, spends thousands of dollars on drugs, and is very controlling. My dad has also abused me by cutting off almost all my hair, choking me once and calling me mean and nasty names. Thankfully he has done nothing to my 8 year old sister. I do have settlement money coming to me, but that won’t be for two more years. We have no money and no long term place to stay until we get on our feet. What do I do?

    • Laurie Post author

      Gabby, here’s a comment that another reader sent me:

      Find support if you live with your parents. Being exposed to family violence between your parents, even at 16, is abusive in itself. In Australian legislation, this is classed as child abuse because of what it does to a young person’s developing brain, emotional wellbeing and the risk to physical safety.

      Get professional help for yourself, and try to find support services for your mother.

      And, know that the abuse was and is NEVER your fault. You are not the cause of it, you haven’t even contributed to it. You are worthy, likeable, loveable, a beautiful girl who is deserving of all the opportunities out there.

      Support your mother from a distance but not from within your family home. Be strong, and understand it’s hard to leave a relationship and not go back. Also know that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is immediately after leaving — so make sure you have a safety plan.

  • Laurie Post author

    Winnie, thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry for what you’ve been going through for all these years! You’re right; it’s not easy to just get out of a relationship…especially when you have nowhere to go. Calling a shelter or helpline isn’t an option for everything — it really is more complicated than that. Especially when you have health issues that are so difficult and complicated.

    I have no magic solutions or easy tips that will help you get out of this relationship. I just wanted you to know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers. May you find strength and courage, hope and healing.

    Take care of yourself, Winnie. Know that no situation is hopeless or impossible, and that one day you may find yourself in a completely new, healthy, and fulfilling life!

    Wouldn’t that be amazing?

  • Winnie

    I’ve been abused and isolated by my husband for many years. Because of it I have developed anthropophobia and I believe PTSD, as I have invading flashes and strange episodes where I am terrified for my life when there is no visible threat. I also stopped experiencing emotions about 4 years ago and went through an existential breakdown as well as a loss of identity.

    There are no shelters where I live. There are a few in a city 30 miles away from my location but I cannot get there and I couldn’t go regardless, because I fear all people. I cannot speak to people, even on the phone. I hide when someone knocks on my door. I have tried to get help and reach out. Everyone has become a threat to me.

    Before, I was very social, working, with many friends, and enjoyed traveling. Now I rarely go outside. I no longer have friends. I have no family to seek help from. I have asked for help and been denied. I am alone besides him. I have no desires other than to be away from people and alone.

    I do not have medical care. I am barely able to take care of myself. I need eyeglasses. I need to see a dentist. Those are the mild things. I have severe anxiety attacks. I struggle to eat or sleep. I cannot concentrate. I struggle just to make it through a day. I have become very forgetful and am starting to experience confusion.

    I tried to get him to leave twice but he attempted suicide each time and I had to save him. I had to save the life of the person who is taking mine away every day.

    He has had over 84 affairs, that I know of. He has blamed me for many of them. I have tried kindness, I have tried ignoring his treatment of me, I have cried, I have yelled trying to defend myself. Nothing worked of course. It took me some time to understand I could do nothing but leave, abusers do not change unless they want to, and seek professional help.

    He has borderline personality disorder and while not all people with BPD behave how he does, nor are they abusive, it has complicated issues.

    He twists my words around though I speak clearly and directly. I ask for what I want or need and he ignores me, later he responds saying I said he’s worthless, though I never say such things. I understand he is in pain but he is destroying me. I have tried talking to him, tried getting him help.
    He doesn’t yell at me or hit me, but manipulates me with gaslighting and stonewalling. His abuse is constant and subtle, yet psychologically scarring.
    I didn’t see it all at first, after we were married he immediately changed and I was confused why someone who loved me so intensely just the day before and the previous year, suddenly did not speak to me for 3 months. He cuts himself. He drives dangerously and is always getting tickets and not telling me as warrants are mailed to the house almost twice a year. He has done drugs. He constantly seeks out others for sex. He has not kept a job for more than 1 year, getting fired though he never knows how or why since according to him, he does nothing wrong.

    He does nothing but push me away while not letting me leave. He has shared personal things about me to others to cause me shame. Once he ignored me for several months and it warped my reality to the point that I began to break down and fear I had died and became a ghost and didn’t know it. He tells lies about me; he has told others I am his sister, or his ex that is abusing him and cheats on him. He has threatened that if I leave, he will make certain I never see my children, declaring I am psychotic. I don’t believe anything he says anymore.

    He has demolished our house; tore up the carpet to expose unfinished wood floors, leaving it for years which are practically impossible to clean. He makes holes in walls doing “projects” that he never finishes, there isn’t one room in the entire 5 bedroom house that is free from damage. He has filled our basement with garbage like a hoarder. He removed the counter top from the kitchen and has broken many cupboard drawers and cupboards, leaving them in disrepair. He spills food and leaves it, on counters, the stove, in the fridge, on the floor. He leaves dirty dishes and cookware half filled with food, out. He leaves wet towels and wet clothes to mold.
    I used to do everything myself, he has rarely helped with anything. The more overwhelmed I became the less I do. Now I struggle to keep things clean and watch him go round wrecking our house. He once brought in cats and wouldn’t get them fixed, we eventually had 22 cats. Now we have 7 but it is still too many for me to handle cleaning up after. I used to spend all day cooking and cleaning and not making a real dent in progress. Once he went away for work for 2 weeks and all I did was clean, it was nice, well as nice as it can get in such poor condition, until he came back.

    This has lasted 19 years now, and I have been actively seeking help best I can, for the past 5 years. I have no way out. I have recently developed suicidal thoughts that I am trying so hard to fight. I daydream of escaping to a little cottage in the woods.

    It isn’t always as simple as making a call or going to a shelter. Some people really cannot do those things.

    • Sarah

      Winnie. I know exactly how you feel. I am married to a man who has taken every bit of who I was when he met me and destroyed her. I used to be quirky and wild. Now I tip toe through life not knowing what to do with myself. I hate my marriage! I want to leave! I want to move far away from him but I can’t because of Michigans 100 mile law. I left him in January but a week after I did he had one of his cousins call COS on me for staying at my dads house who is a medical Marijuana provider. To protect my children I went back to the hell of a life that he had built around us. In the following month He acted like he couldn’t live without me and did everything to make me happy. He even said he was going to get mental help… he went once and never went back saying that if I didn’t want this to work than why should he try? I’ve been made to feel like I am stupid and can’t handle simple daily tasks without him. He says he’s going to help me get my license but never does and admitted that he never wanted me to drive because he was afraid I would leave him. Then he changed it and said I was such a scatter brain that he didn’t feel safe with my kids in the car with me driving.

      I’m ata point where I have no where to go because my family is scared he will ruin their lives for helping me, and since J had no choice but to go back because of the CPS thing no one takes me seriously about leaving. The problem was that’s i was to close and he knew where I was at. I want to leave and get my life together. My license, a car, a job…. and a stable home for my kids. It’s hard when this stuff happens. No one knows what it’s like till they go through it. I have dealt with everything from unscheduled swinger sessions at my house I didn’t know about till the ppl show up, him sending dick pics to my mom, and other horrible things. I had a girl write me ands at my husband was a sick vile pig and if he ever talk to her again she was getting a restraining order… and that the first time he hit on her she was 17. I’ve watched in on convos with friends he’s hitting on, had him go on my Facebook and tell my female friends I wanted to have a 3 way with them and my husband…..14 yrs of hell!!!

  • gmei2

    Hes the one that has no where to go…no money. no car. no family but me… He is an addict and while he has gone to rehab and did fantastic, excelled even, 4 months out and same thing diffrent day? gets a job, looses it in a month or so..and its ALWAYS someone elses fault. Or he’s just too old to do it. the labor involved isnt for a 53 yr old man.? whatever. Ive had it!! Im done!! Im tired! I dont want to deal with his life any more ive picked up the pieces so many times im sick!! I am a poor person i work and do my best but i dont have anything and he sucks what i do have straight out of me to where i just dont even care anymore. But he WONT leave cause he has nothing and no where to go. I would have to evict him and give him 30 days but he just laughs at that. I do not have the money to court order it. So i need a book or person that tells me HOW to do this!! Ive turned to friends family churchs etc… No one… Will actually help they dont want in the middle and they always ask what they can do…i need a court order to put him out in 30 days. So he will need transportation and a place to go. Every one is like yeah good luck with that!!

  • SAND

    I sleep on the couch, my husband demands intimacy as his right and when I refuse he takes away my money, my credit card and as gave up work to raise our children so he could travel for his job have no income or savings of my own. As he has a high income I no longer get child benefit, so rely on the £400 he gives me, with £100 of that going on direct debits and household bills. He is never home always an excuse to go out with mates. gym and has no time for our children, can not remember the last time he spent a hold day with them, even made a excuse on Christmas day to go to bed early. He puts me down all the time and finds faults in all of us, there is so much, he hurts us verbally daily even making us cry in public, I could go on for ages listing everything but I’ll stop here.

  • Michelle

    I want out there’s times where I leave I feel lonely and scared I’ve asked friends for help no one can help I lost my mom and dad 2years ago I feel lost nowhere to go and I have no one my husband has changed with me he is always yelling at me he won’t let me have friends he gets mad and leaves what do I do

  • Shannon

    I’m in a relationship 4 yrs now that me and boyfriend fight all the time telling that I’m cheating when I’m not on him never have ,I live with him under his friends roof and me and my daughter have no where else to go but here my mom lives in a one bedroom apartment with my son and my sister and her 2 kids already I called everyone I know that I through would help but I’ve said it before to them that I would leave and I have but he always says he would charge and it goes right to the same shit what can I do please help me and my daughter out

  • Anonymous Mom

    25 y/o female w/a small child.

    I met my daughter’s father 3 years ago and we’ve been together ever since. He’s a tattoo artist and has always been the primary bread winner of our family. When we started dating I didn’t have a job, as I just moved from to a new city. We got pregnant pretty early into our relationship and he assured me I didn’t have to work he’d take care of things, that I should even move in w/him. Which he did up until the later months of my pregnancy where he started to show signs of financial stress and needed me to help out. Even after having a C section and being barely recovered, when my daughter was 6 weeks old, I stopped breastfeeding and went back to work on weekends. THAT’S WHERE THE PROBLEMS AROSE. It started w/little arguments about me not being home (yeah cuz I’m at work!), most of his clients wanted weekends so I needed to be available for him to work because”he made more money”. Soon enough, I had to quit. Jobless again for a few months until he “needed help” again. It was then I got my Dream Job working for MAC cosmetics (I’m a makeup artist). I was working about 30+ hours a week but I got paid weekly and they paid VERY WELL! I was able to help out more financially and I was finally happy w/my career choice. The problems resurfaced shortly thereafter. Again w/me “interfering w/him making his money”. I refused to quit my job this time however! I was going to make it work! I moved back into my family’s house which was closer to my job and we would alternate who had the baby based on our schedules. Soon THAT became a problem for him as well because he”had to spend all his money driving back and forth” because I don’t have a car. So, I moved back in. I would commute between my job and his house which were about 2hrs apart driving and a little more on public transit.
    He’s financially able to care for the 3 of us, then he’s not, he needs me to work, he needs to me to quit. As of lately I’ve been trying to freelance to at least front my immediate wants and needs but he makes it almost impossible because it of course interferes w/his schedule. my family won’t help me because half are #TeamHim and thinks he can do no wrong. The others just tell me how stupid I am as if that makes things any better. I can’t find a sitter and I can’t find a job w/o a sitter. I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to be on the streets w/my daughter who is 1 year old but I know if I don’t get away from him this will only continue until he decides to put me out and then I WONT have any other options. Please. Any kind words from strangers?

    • Sushila

      Don’t ever stop doing what you love! Our babies grow from our happiness and success. They really see that. Keep your head up and maybe look into private day care. Stay positive you sound like a great mama! Good luck!

  • jeanette rivera

    i have been asked to get my self out of the house. I am accused of all sorts of things I never did. I think it is their way of justifiying a wrong doing. I have no where to go and 3/4 through my degree. No job no money and very little time to do this. Please help me find a way.

  • Mal Parr

    I’m 52 y/o male.
    Been living with my partner fr 2.5 years.
    In that time I’ve lost my friends and contact with my kids.
    Her many forms of control have broken my spirit.
    I have reached out for support from some contacts I have managed to keep.
    Feeling terrible about the secrecy required.
    Currently seeking accommodation, then rent assistance, followed by employment to be selfsupporting.
    It’s not easy, but must be done for my internal health. I need to get out of this relationship even though I have nowhere to go.
    I am not in the serious or life threatening situations many of your readers will be in, but offer them this most valuable advice.
    This CAN lead to terrible outcomes.
    When there is no light at the end of the tunnel, remember, you hold a torch within,
    you can use it to help find your own way, or, you can deny it, cower where you are, and hope someone will find you and is willing to help……….

    • Julia

      I read your comment and it resonates with me. I am 48 year old female , I have lost friend and family and I trust very few people. I’m currently being ignored by my partner who won’t even discuss our relationship so I am a sitting duck feeling vulnerable and insecure. The relationship has been an emotional rollercoaster and I feel exhausted. I’ve no job, and nowhere to go, I’ve woken tired after a restless night waking up many times. I expect I will be ignored again today so I need to take my own action. I don’t have children but I do have a dog which is a responsibility when it comes to finding somewhere else to live. I feel very frustrated I can’t believe I have got myself into such a vulnerable position. Your post gave me a boost as you are positive so thank you.

    • Marian

      Your situation is somewhat similar to mine. I moved over 800 miles away because I thought I found the right guy. It’s been 4 years. At first we lived with his father. They fought constantly hours at a time. We got a place of our own. But he just as nasty to me. I recently had a surgery so I can’t drive for 2 weeks. He was OK the 1st week. Now he’s getting a nasty attitude because he has to run the arrands. I always ran the arrands sick or well with no gripe. I have no job or car at this time. No friends. No possible help from family. I feel so confused and trapped

  • Annon

    I am 23 turning 24 I was kicked out of home at 16 and failed to finish yr 12 since I left home I’ve never had a stable job or income let alone a stable home. I lived with a friend and her family for 2 months after being kicked out before I moved into residential care I stayed there for 4 months moved back with mum within 2 weeks it fell apart I moved in with my bf while trying to get myself through high school..after 2 yrs living together he broke up with me. I didn’t know how to get out of a relationship, I had nowhere to go but I moved out that day and lived with a much older man(38). After a few months he started physicAlly abusing me and I moved out to my mums I got to know my recent partner and mum thought I should stay there so I was kicked out again…we bought a house and every thing was great for a yr. Then all the things from my past came back to haunt me and I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I could not even go to the shops, we started to argue he would call me lazy.
    Eventually I started to study a diploma of community services and slowly started getting out again around that time I got off centerlink as he was earning too much for me to get a payment.
    My mum knows he is abusive but cant help I have no where to go and no money I am petrified I wont finish this course and gain my own independence…..I just want to be happy and loved again….

    • jeanette rivera

      I feel you have been through a life time of trauma. I don’t know you but I have love for you. I will pray right now that you be given a blessing to grow thre rest of your life having love and happiness. I wish I could help you in other ways , however, I am in a bad financial situation and have nothing to offer. Much love and prayer. Jeanette.

    • Lady Bee

      You have a man problem, YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT A MAN!!!. Everytime you are about to do great things in your life , you screw it all up by having a man in your life. Tackle this problem first!

  • Ana

    I am 27 years old I am a paralegal I had a job where I was employed for 5 years I have now a 9 year old & 1 year old. I got married to an ex army guy 3 years ago he came back with really bad ptsd, bipolar disorder and depression. On top of that drinking and drug problems.. he made me quit my job, I left my house, I turned in my car and left everything to move to another state with him he said he would change if we moved that it was the city and friend that was around him that was affecting us, so as a loving wife I said ok so we moved where his family is at and situation gotten worse I feel like I’m in a dead end, he has put hands on me abused me emotionally as well, yells and punches things around the kids and what makes this situation worse his family knows about it and don’t do nothing to help me only thing they say it’s pray for him to change. I have no car, no job, I can’t look for a job because I have no babysitter or money to pay daycare, I reached out to my mom but she’s always being focus on her sentimental life than her kids, my dad passed away in 2009 got killed in Mexico. & other than that I have no other family aunts and cousins see it as I am being dumb for not fighting but they were raised as what is other people would say if you get divorced? There’s days where I just feel like ending my life because there’s no hope or faith left in my situation changing, I tried planning on how to get out of this but there’s no exit. Than when I think if I end up my life who will take care of my two girls and that’s what keeps me pushing and believing there’s a God who will take away this pain and remove me from this situation. I tried shelters, but there’s only so many days you can stay..& counseling cost money something I don’t have my husband controls my every move. I guess talking about it makes it feel a little better when you have no one to talk to because he made stopped talking to friends and family. And when his insults tells me to live and laughs because he knows I don’t have no one or how to get out of here. The only thing you can do it’s stay strong for your kids and pray that this situation gets better soon

    • Mel

      Ana, I don’t have answers for you, or a solid solution but I just wanted you to know someone read your story and I’m bleeding for you. I’ve been there. And I don’t have a clear answer as to what gets me through it, it simply happens. I hope your heart is smiling today. ~Mel <3

    • Someone who Cares

      I hope this message gets to you, just remember you are not alone!!
      I am where you are and I came on this site to get support and ideas about how to leave my situation.
      Your story touched me and I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. God has a way to see you through.

      • Shannon

        Not alone is true but when u have no where to go what do u do cause all the homeless shelters won’t help cause he’s not physical abuse he’s mental abusing me and verbal abuse too so can I do to get out

    • jeanette rivera

      anna you are so beautiful and such a great mother. what a masterful achievement. keep reaching out like at a chrurch. someone will hear you and give you what you need. there are so many people with resources that are touched by those who really deserve a chance. keep believing. my prayers hold a spot for contemplating your life.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Jennifer,

    I was a foster child, too! It’s a sad and lonely feeling, to feel like you’re all alone in the world. I remember feeling so angry and depressed in my 20s because all my friends had family who loved and supported them…and I had nobody. It’s especially difficult when you want to get out of a relationship and you have nowhere to go – and you’re married to a man who is addicted to pain medications. I really am sorry for your situation.

    You sound like a woman who is stronger than she thinks she is! One thing about being in foster care, it makes us tough and smart and strong….even when we feel like the world has turned against us.

    I’ve written a few articles about coping when you feel alone and like you have nowhere to turn:

    7 Things to Remember When You Feel Like No One Cares

    How to Come Alive When You Feel Dead Inside

    And here’s a question for you:
    What changes do you want to see in your life? How can things get better for you – what can you do to move your life in that direction?

  • Jennifer Andrews-Long

    I have no family to help me as I was a foster child and I am disabled so working is out of the equation. I am on social security but it’s less than $800 a month and my daughter is in college so getting help from the state won’t happen. My husband is addicted to pain mess and uses our money to get them when he can’t find mine to steal. His parents have always hated my daughter and I and have treated us like garbage for 15yrs. To make matters worse my Mil is the one who got my husband addicted in the first place. I have nowhere to go and leaving is hard as I need help due to my disabilities. Things got so bad I even forced myself to work for 2 weeks to try to fix what he has done and made my health worse by doing so. I feel so lost and I have no one to talk to or lean on for any kind of support. I tried to go to counseling but since Medicare only pays 20% and Medicaid won’t cover it I couldn’t afford to go. I feel so dead inside anymore, don’t even recognize myself. He puts his parents before me all the time despite their ill treatment of my daughter and I, even though they treat him like garbage he still runs to them! What do you do when you feel like the world is against you and you have nowhere to turn?

  • Karrie

    Ive been married for almost ten years and we have 4 children. In almost all ten years have been a nightmare and everytime I think its getting better it only gets worse. We use to put hands on eachother, but now we both have domestic violence records on our background. Before I met him I never got in trouble. Now we break things, but he goes way overboard. He will pop my tires so I cannot drive to work. He will threaten to leave me with all of the kids, knowing that I cant go to work w/o him being here with my kids. He works too but our schedules were opposite eachothers. Now I dont have job. I called in hysterical because he was leaving me and he threatens it all the time. So I told them that I cant do this no more. I have 4 children and no babysitter.
    I am at my wit’s end and dont know what to do? I dont know how to leave him. There is no money saved. He controls everything. My son gets SSI because he has autism and he has control of the card when hes not even the payee. Even when I worked he controlled my money.
    Whats even worse is he has an alcohol and gambling problem he doesnt seek help for and blames me for why he has problems when hes been drinking before we met.
    I wish at a time like this I had family and friends but I kept myself distant from making friends because hes so controlling and jealous and my family is more than 3000 miles away. Sometimes I feel like this much stress is going to kill me. People look at me like Im stupid and its my fault and it is. I give into him too much, but sometimes do it to keep the peace. We’ve tried church. It hasnt been doing us much good. I tried calling marriage counselors, none take our insurance and they are expensive. I am so lost right now.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Bobbi,

    I’m sorry your relationship ended, and you feel like you have nowhere to go. It’s a lonely, lost feeling – I’ve been there. It’s scary, like the whole world is cold and unfeeling.

    When I worked at a women’s shelter for women leaving abusive relationships, we had several beds for single women without children or who weren’t pregnant. You might keep calling around, and asking if there is a shelter who can accommodate you for a few nights.

    The other thing is your friends….honestly, friends are to help us when we fall down. If you accept their help with the agreement that you will be there for them when they need help, do you think you could humble yourself and “burden” to them? I actually don’t think you’ll be a burden at all…true friends are there when we need them. They need only be asked, and they are often happy to step up and help out.

    Are you willing to accept their help, even though you wish you didn’t have to?

  • Bobbie

    I am completely co- dependent on my husband and have been for many years. I AM college educated, but don’t have work experience.
    never in a million years did I think I would be in this unfortunate predicament. He kicked me out and I literally have no where to go, no one to turn to. My friends are married with families of their own, I don’t wanna burden anyone- I especially don’t wanna involve my family for reasons I can’t get into. I am so hopless and HELPLESS. I have explored my resouces and unless I am pregnant or have minor children I’m pretty much assed out. Plz someone help me …

    • Mercy

      We are in the same boat. I’m still here with him but I need to leave soon. I also have a 18yrs old daughter that lives with me too. I don’t know where to go. I haven’t work because I have osteoarthritis on both knees on all three sides. And my daughter started to work recently three days a week and she will start college in March. I pray that this doesn’t affect her too much.

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience with such courage and honesty. You are learning how to show up for yourself, to voice what’s happening in your relationship, and to express what it feels like to say “I have nowhere to go.”

    This is more important than you realize. Your thoughts are powerful, and you are starting to consider the possibilities. You are wondering if you can get out of this relationship, and your subconscious is working on a plan to escape and heal.

    Here’s a question to consider:

    Which path (staying in this relationship, or reaching out for help) leads to more life, possibilities, and purpose?

    Go where the life is. Find ways to clear noise and clutter of unhealthy attachments, bad relationships, unhappy people. Listen to the still small voice of God – of divine wisdom and power! Be quiet so you can hear.

    Take a deep breath. Remember that you were created for a purpose, and that your life is not yet over. Your time here on earth is short, but it doesn’t have to be meaningless or full of suffering.

    Own up to the choices you’ve made and aren’t making. Don’t let past decisions ruin your future…you may grieve your loss, but you will be alive and growing a healthier future. You will be Blossoming.

    Here’s another post that may interest you:

    How to Deal With Your Fear of Being Alone

    Take care of yourself. Listen for that still small voice – for you are smarter, stronger, and braver than you know.


  • Roger

    I am on the opposite side of this. Allow me to explain. My wife is a control freak and has isolated me from all my friends and family. She goes into a freak out mode thinking I am dead or left her if I do not answer my phone. She constantly accuses me of cheating. She insists on holding onto the money. She claims she is better at handling it. I know she thinks I will leave her if I hold on to it. Which is true I would. She is smothering me as well as condescending to me. She treats me like she is my mom. I hate it. The emotional and mental abuse has to stop. I need help, but have no one and nowhere to go and no money even though I have a good paying job.

    • Becky

      Sorry to hear that Roger, it’s always sad when a relationship ends and now I myself am going through a break up after 5 yrs. he always controlled the money and our outside interactions with friends and family. Unfortunately this relationship distanced me from my family and any friends. After 5 years I am pretty much alone. I’m looking for some type of support group to try and pick up the pieces of my life and quit being in denial that I can somehow change his mind if I promised him everything and anything to love me again. I wish you the best and everyone out there that feels all alone. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.

      • Brenda Forbes

        As of today I am in the same situation and I’m not sure what to do? He made me miss a appointment with a public defender and now I can’t even call him cause he wasn’t there? Also I have court on Thursday
        What do I do please help me

  • Shiela

    So just another update… I won my custody battle. I have been working full time, I have my own car, and I have my own apartment. It has and still is extremely difficult but I sometimes see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so much more like myself again. I hope I can keep getting better. Who knows maybe I will find love again!? I think my biggest issues is feeling like I will NEVER trust again. To all the hopeless people out there stick to it and you won’t regret it.

    • Recluse

      I am so glad for you. Wish I could find my courage to do just that, and get out of this relationship. I’m so happy for you. I know it’s almost a year later but I’m sure you are doing even better now. I know that it helps by hearing the good. Not just the stories of perpetual terror. The kind where your scared to go 2 sleep (ptsd) & ur scared 2 wake up. Ive lived that. I want out. I want what you have. Just a little bit of sanity & hope

  • Hopeless in Houston

    Sounds like my life too only I have 5 children been in relationship for 11 years, no job, no family, no money and my only hope and strength comes from my children. Sometimes I just want to die but I have 5 children that need me.

  • Lisa

    I am tired of reading comments on these websites from males complaining about it being sexist or whatever, when women are being treated badly in marriages and need support to leave. In general, it is the man who adopts the bullying attitude, and keeps his wife subdued or oppressed by mental or physical abuse over the years. We are not just talking about leaving a marriage, it’s about getting away from somebody who has almost stripped you of your personality, confidence, identity. Have some compassion please.

    • Fred

      I have to agree. Lisa seems to not understand that men also encounter situations that totally destroy and humiliate them to the point that they no longer have any self confidence and nowhere to turn. I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find anything like this for men. Not all men are in control. Some have been destroyed by significant other and have nowhere to turn.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    It’s possible — but scary and a lot of work — to find ways to get out of a relationship when you have nowhere to go. The worst position to take is “I’m helpless, and I have nowhere to go.” This just reinforces those helpless, powerless feelings.

    Start by calling a helpline. Ask for resources in your neighbourhood. They will help you…but you have to start making those calls and reaching out.

  • rachel

    i am a single mom and im bout to be homeless i need help im suppose to be out by monday no later then tuesday can i get some help my daughter is 6 and i have no income wont get my disability til march or april

    • Cortney

      I sure hope you found what you needed for you and that baby…I am just starting to go thru the same thing my daughter and I…I feel so hopeless I don’t know what to do or where to go.How do you get out of a relationship when you have nowhere to go

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Thank you for being here, and sharing how hard it is to cope when you want to get out of a relationship, but you have nowhere to go. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and that you feel stuck and helpless. I hear your pain, and I wish I had magic words to make things better.

    Giving advice isn’t my strength, so unfortunately I can’t tell you what you should do. However, I have written about this type of problem in the past. You might find this helpful:

    How to Find Strength to Get Out of a Bad Relationship

    And, here is a list of national resources and hotlines that provide anonymous, confidential information to callers. They can answer questions and perhaps even give you advice.

    Phone Number: 800-442-HOPE (4673)

    Mental Health America – For a referral to specific mental health service or support program in your community
    Phone Number: 800-969-NMHA (6642)

    National Alliance on Mental Illness – Provides support, information, and referrals
    Phone Number: 800-950-NAMI (6264)

    National Domestic Violence Hotline
    Phone Number: 800-799-SAFE (7233)

    National Sexual Assault Hotline
    Phone Number: 800-656-HOPE (4673)

    National Suicide Prevention Hotline
    Phone Number: 800-273-TALK (8255)

    Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
    Phone Number: 800-826-3632

    I hope one of these organizations is able to give you the help you’re looking for. May you find peace, courage, strength, and healing as you move forward.

    Please do come back anytime, and tell me how you’re doing! I’d love to hear from you again.


  • LostinMN

    What about if you have no job, no family, no where to go, social services won’t help because I don’t have any children. I’m stuck with someone who likes to throw it in my face that he can kick me out and I have nothing. I gave up all my friends (most of them are addicts anyways) and I’ve only been sober 249 days sober myself. The only thing I have is my car and I can’t even drive it because I don’t have a license.

  • jakelina

    I need help i have no money no job, two kids that look up to me and I want out of this relationship. I’m with an alcoholic who neglects us …and i want to keep my kids in their school. What do I do?

  • Tracy b

    Hi Shelia..
    I will say about a job.. TRY.
    I felt that way.. like no one would hire me.. 4 months pregnant…
    I was hired pregnant at checkers /rallys and during my pregnancy I worked my way up and when I came back from my pregnancy I was given shift manager.. challenging,yes, but I did it .. I believe you can too. Maybe not perfect.. but I am now in a better job . . Things did get better 🙂

  • Shiela

    I just wanted to update! I had baby number 2 found a job and got my own apartment! I have a good lawyer and counselor and I’m feeling better than ever still not a lot of support from family but I am doing it! It is possible!!!! I am living proof! Thank you for responses! ?

      • Anon

        Another agreement to a one side perspective. “If you’re in an abusive relationship, your partner may have stripped away your identity, support system, self-confidence, and connections to the people you love”

        Yes exactly. So why then write ” start telling people that you want to get out of your relationship”.

        Mentally abused men are to stay put and hidden behind closed doors.

        • Dve

          So are women I speak from someone who says I “should be seen not heard”
          Women are more subjective to ALL forms of abuse than men
          My job is at home taking care of the children … no income I am told my income pays the bills
          Although I am not appreciated for what I do only what I didn’t do is recognized

        • Aly

          Sometimes there are ways to get out of a relationship when you think you have nowhere to go, but you have to ask for help. It’s hard.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Shiela,

    I wish I had an easy solution or suggestions for you. It sounds like you’ve been through alot with this man for the past six years and two kids. You feel hopeless, and like you have nowhere to go and nobody to rely on. It’s hard for me to give suggestions because I don’t know anything about you. That’s why I say I can’t give personal advice or counseling, because I really don’t know who you are, where you are, or how to help.

    But, if you’re willing to think about a few things, I have some questions. For instance, what has social services said about helping you leave? When you called the domestic violence helpline, what did they say? Is there legal aid in your area? What about his family – is there anyone who can help you? What about church – do you attend, and is there anyone there who seems friendly? Is your six year old in school, and does he or she have teachers or friends with parents who might be able to help?

    And maybe the most important question is whether or not you have told anyone that your partner has been abusing you for almost six years. Who have you told, and how have they offered to help you?

  • Shiela

    I have been in an abusive relationship with a man for almost 6 years. The first time I tried to leave I discovered I was pregnant. I stayed for almost a year but then finally had somewhere to go. He threatened to take away my child and since he had a very expensive lawyer he was actually winnng. At this point I went back. I couldn’t leave my baby with him when we were together let alone when we were separated. He has severe anger issues. Finally a year after being back and things getting worse I finally devised a plan. The day before I left I found out I was pregnant again. Now I am hopeless. I can work but no one will hire me now that I am pregnant. I have no support because everyone in my life is fed up with me dealing with him. I don’t know where to go but I desperately want out. Any suggestions?