Leaving a Relationship When You Have Nowhere to Go


Finding ways to get out of a relationship when you have no money, no family support and nowhere to go will take all the strength and courage you have. You may feel helpless and hopeless – how do you leave a relationship and start over when you have no money and nobody to trust?

There aren’t any easy answers or quick tips, but I can offer you encouragement and inspiration. First, I want you to know you are not alone. On my article about getting money to leave your husband, a reader asked for help getting away from her abusive husband. I can’t give specific advice for women who want to leave relationships because I don’t know the specific situations, personalities, or other factors.

Don’t give up. I know what it feels like to want to leave a relationship but have nowhere to go. I also know the feeling of finding a solution, of slowing making my way out of a terrible situation. I found ways to get out of a bad place — and I know you can, too! Take heart, and don’t give up hope. Hold on, and you will find ways to get out of this relationship. You will move on, and you’ve already started planting seeds of forward progress. Let’s keep going…





Right now you may feel trapped in your relationship, but it’s important to start thinking about where you are going. It’s time to look at your life differently, with a more hopeful and empowered perspective. Your own mindset and attitude has an incredible effect on your future, and it’s up to you to choose wisely.

What you believe in has the power to change your life. I’ve always relied on the power and strength of faith – especially when I was trying to get out of a relationship and had nowhere to go. Don’t underestimate the power of your faith in God, your relationship with Jesus.

What you believe about yourself and God is the first step towards getting out of an unhealthy relationship when you have no money or support. It’s not only the first step…it’s the most important one. Whether you’re getting away from an abusive husband after 20 years of marriage or a lifeless relationship after 20 weeks, the foundation is the same. You can find the strength, safety and security you need if you look upwards.

Getting Out of a Relationship When You Have Nowhere to Go

How to Get Out of a Relationship When You Have Nowhere to GoWhen I was a MSW (Master of Social Work) student at UBC in Vancouver, we often discussed a “strengths-based approach” to client care. We were taught what to say to women in unhealthy relationships, who had no money or resources to leave.

Here’s what we learned, what a social worker or counselor may tell you about leaving a relationship….

Focus on your strengths

You may feel weak, powerless, and helpless. If you’re in an abusive relationship, your partner may have stripped away your identity, support system, self-confidence, and connections to the people you love. The last thing you feel is strong, and it may seem impossible to focus on anything but surviving the next hour.

However, if you want to get out of this relationship, you need to find a source of strength and resilience. Think back to a time in your life when you were strong, when you did something you didn’t think you could do. What resources did you have – what people, energy, support did you have? How did you survive the stress in your life?

There is a kernel of strength and power in you. You have strengths that you’re not focusing on – perhaps that you’re not even aware of! But they’re there, and they will help you break up with a man you no longer love.



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Start exploring all the options for leaving your relationship

The reader who recently asked for help getting out of her relationship said she was employed with the Army, on active duty. Whether or not her husband also works in the Army, there’s a source of support and resources there. It may seem impossible and even weird to call your husband’s work for help getting away from him, but you need to explore all your options.

You are NOT all alone, helpless, and stuck with nowhere to go. Help is out there waiting, but you have to reach out for it. Humble yourself. Call all the women’s shelters, support groups, Social Services in your area. You have to talk to your kids’ teachers and the guidance counselor at school.

Consider calling friends and family you didn’t think you could rely on. This may be the crisis that pulls you back into a family who loves you and misses you.

Read What You Need to Know When You Call a Shelter or Safe House for help getting out of a relationship when you have nowhere to go.

It’s time to start telling people that you want to get out of your relationship, and that you have nowhere to go. Then, you need to seize the opportunities that are offered to you – and start focusing on how to move forward.

Help Getting Out of a Relationship

Getting Out of a Relationship When You Have Nowhere to GoIn I Just Want Out- Seven Careful Steps to Leaving Your Emotionally Abusive Husband, Jodi Schuelke combines detailed practical information with her personal experiences and the lessons she learned from strategically planning her exit (along with her children) from her emotionally abusive first marriage.

This book will help you: 

  • Understand the importance of careful planning
  • Learn about ways to protect yourself and your children
  • Discover the options to consider along the way
  • Get a heads-up about how to manage opposition
  • Find support for letting go and moving on
  • Move forward into a new future

Jodi will support you and travel beside you on your journey to freedom using her practical seven-step FREEDOM Framework™ process.

It’s never as simple as that, I know…but if you start with hope, you’ll get farther than if you sink into helplessness. If you know you’re stuck in this relationship, read 7 Ways to Survive Life With an Angry Man – When You Can’t Leave.

What do you think of these ideas for getting out of a relationship when you have no money and nowhere to go? I know I don’t have a lot to offer, but your big and little comments are welcome below. And don’t worry! I don’t give advice. I just listen. It’s your turn to talk.







Laurie's "She Blossoms" Books

growing forward book laurie pawlik she blossoms
Growing Forward When You Can't Go Back offers hope, encouragement, and strength for women walking through loss. My Blossom Tips are fresh and practical - they stem from my own experiences with a schizophrenic mother, foster homes, a devastating family estrangement, and infertility.








letting go book laurie pawlik she blossoms

How to Let Go of Someone You Love: Powerful Secrets (and Practical Tips!) for Healing Your Heart is filled with comforting and healthy breakup advice. The Blossom Tips will help you loosen unhealthy attachments to the past, seal your heart with peace, and move forward with joy.









miss him book laurie pawlik she blossoms
When You Miss Him Like Crazy: 25 Lessons to Move You From Broken to Blossoming After a Breakup will help you refocus your life, re-create yourself, and start living fully again! Your spirit will rise and you'll blossom into who you were created to be.







xo


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91 thoughts on “Leaving a Relationship When You Have Nowhere to Go

  • Darlene Farmbry

    I was so relieved to find this post. I have seen tons of information about leaving bad relationships, but not much info on HOW TO COPE, when you can’t leave. In Feb of this year, I moved in with my boyfriend after being together for nine months. NOW, I know why he has lived alone for soooo long (18 years). He has had multiple relationships, but always lived alone during that time. Well, I knew about the Sleep Apnea issue, which was okay… especially since he is actively working with a sleep doctor to help manage this issue – so that was all good since he was trying to get help. Let me just stop and say that the sleep issue is a HUGE problem, because it affects everything (and I mean everything in our lives). When his sleep is interrupted, he has really bad headaches and it just sets off a firestorm of other symptoms he claims to experience. I have never seen anything like it and would not wish this sleep issue on anyone. First of all, we sleep in separate rooms, which I thought would be temporary as he worked through is sleep issues. However, I have TONS of anxiety about sleeping with him, because I wake up super early (5am), so I am constantly paranoid about interrupting his sleep during the night or when I get up in the morning, which means the WHOLE day is is likely to be really bad, for both him and myself. When his sleep is interrupted, he is a big whiny, grumpy, angry, mean, miserable, pathetic S.O.B and I just wish I could slap the s&#t out of him and say “suck it up”!. When this happens, he refers to himself as being “sick” and will intentionally skip meals, (which makes matters even worse), sleep ALL DAY and give me the silent treatment and act like he is dying. When he is in this type of mood, it seriously affects me because now I am tense, angry, disappointed, sad, seriously stressed and walking around the house on eggshells. During this time, any little thing I say or do can cause a big blow out. If I ignore him and try to go about my day without acknowledging his behavior – it stresses him out more because he says that I am giving HIM the silent treatment and it’s stressing him out. So, basically anything I say or do is held against me. This phase could last anywhere from a half day to two to three days. So, of course when I feel this way, I do my best to stay in my room, go walking, read or anything to escape this mental and emotional abuse. He is very aggressive in making me know that this is all my fault and I am being insensitive to his “sleep hygiene”. Personally, I feel that he overreacts to everything and uses many manipulative techniques that tie into all of the other issues he has… Depression, anxiety, social anxiety/panic attacks and he is EXTREMELY controlling and also a bit jealous. I believe without a doubt that this relationship has no future. We all have issues that we must face and deal with and it is truly our responsibility to do so. I have enough challenges already in my personal life that I don’t have the time or desire to work through his issues, especially when he does NOT recognize that he has any OR he uses the fact that he does have them as an excuse to continue this behavior. I have had enough and would like to get on with my happy-ass single life and have peace in my heart instead of this BS. I feel that I have lost so much of myself during this short time we have been together. I have been working on my plan (mentally), my self esteem, my personal and financial health and my career moves, but I am currently unemployed, but working on a certification that will give a great boost to my career and resume – so I need some time. Honestly, I need about six months to make the money, save and find a place. Soooo, I am super excited about the article and links you posted. I just need to figure out how to cope during this time. Some days I just want to blow up and say exactly how I feel, but I am trying to practice humility during this time, because I am financially unable to move right now. Not only is every day a struggle, but every hour. I never knew about any of the other issues until recently and he has just gotten prescribed depression medication which is making him gain weight and he is not a happy camper about that. I feel that he held back from telling me these things and I feel that he has isolated me and tried to chip away at my happiness and self esteem in many ways too. I am very disappointed in myself for ever moving in here without REALLY getting to know more. Another this I wanted to mention is that since we do not sleep together (and only have sex about 2 times/month) there is that lack of intimacy and bonding. Due to his social anxiety and depression – we NEVER have anyone over unless it is his family. My sister visited once and he experienced a “panic attack” – ran out mumbling “I gotta go”, jumped in the car in the pouring rain and drove to his office and curled up in the fetal position in his car. This was all because he claimed my sister stayed too late (10pm) and the light from my bedroom where my sister and i was hanging out was “bothering” him. That was the one and only time I ever had company over and never will again. I personally feel this was all very melodramatic. We have no friends to interact with and we do go out to eat a few times per month, but NEVER interact with other people. He always tries to choose a table away from others, and I am a bit of a social butterfly sometimes and enjoy talking to other people sometimes. We went away for our “anniversary” weekend, which was a total disaster because his sleep got interrupted during the night. Incidentally we mostly have these episodes on special occasions or when we have plans to do something, so it almost seems intentional. I am sooo over this and I want out, because I have no desire to change him and I don’t see any effort or acknowledgement on his part to take responsibility for his issues and stop blaming me. Sorry if I rambled, but thanks again for posting and I will surely be reading the articles you suggested and the book “I Just Want Out” and “When Love Hurts”.

  • Laura-Jean Finelli

    I am so sad and depressed. Feelings I have never felt so strongly before, or for such a long period. I met my boyfriend in Dec of 2004. I was still married at the time. My marriage was a very physically, emotionally and verbally abusive one. It was a long 19 years, but we had 4 children together. Besides loving my working in the health care field, my children were my first love. I never loved my husband the way you love someone enough to marry. But after living together for 2 years I got pregnant. In the 80’s, you had to marry in that case. So we went to the Justice of the Peace. I filed for divorce so many times but always backed out, afraid since I was never on my own I couldn’t make it on my own. Well when I met my boyfriend I left my husband 2 months later. I told my husband the separation was temporarily. A year. So he helped me move into an apartment 2 minutes from our house. 5 months later I moved into my boyfriends son first floor 2 family house. Thinking this would make us closer in our relationship. When I worked long hours at the hospital he had me call out. So much so that I ended up losing my job there. And I had benn working there from 2000-2008. In 2010 he asked me to move in with him, then changed his mind. A month later he asked me again and this time it happened. He has cameras inside and outside of his property. One evening when ai couldn’t sleep I made a burger. He got up a couple hrs later screaming for me to get the F out of his house. I was not allowed to cook….ever. I went to stay at a friends house and 4 days later asked me to come back. But I was still not allowed to cook in his house. There are 18 years between us, there were 15 yrs between my husband and I. But age was never an issue. I got asked to leave again in Aug of 2015, because I had felt ill for 3 days or so. I called my younger son (22) to see if he could pick me up and bring me to the hospital. When he came he saw how bad I looked, asked my boyfriend ( of 11 yrs at that time) why he didn’t bring me. My boyfriend told him “she’s not my responsibility ” My son got close to my boyfriends face, but did not touch him. But I am sure he would have loved to punch him in the face, but my son is not a violent person. A week later I was asked to leave the house again because I said Nathan did nothing wrong, and that I would have felt sad if he had done or said nothing on behalf of me, his mother. Jimmy left me to stay with friends for 4 months. I was allowed to visit him only after he asked me to, and he nevet hugged or kissed me or said he missed me. I know the relationship is up abd down but because I love him I always forgive him and keep going back. But I cry all the time I’m depressed. I have asked him about marriage, but he always says ” don’t ruin a good thing. He can’t get along with my children, I get along with all 4 of his boys, and they all call me mama. 3 of his sons have been married (1 still is) and now his 2nd youngest son is engaged after being with his girl for 3 years. Which now makes me more depressed. What is wrong wirh me that he won’t marry me?? Dec will be 14 years together. He tells me what to do, how to do it, whether or not I can do it etc. All I think about is death. I keep praying God will take me…

  • Candace

    Everyone keeps telling me to leave fully knowing I have nowhere to go. Its idiotic if I had somewhere to go I would already be gone

  • Laurie Post author

    This may be one of the most difficult and painful seasons of your life. You may feel stuck, trapped and hopeless. Maybe you feel helpless and alone. It must be hard to feel like there’s nowhere to go, nobody to trust, and nothing to rely on.

    It takes courage and strength to figure out how to get out of a relationship when you don’t have anywhere to go. But I know there IS a source of strength and courage, of hope and help! The hard part is that it’s up to you to reach out for it. You have to call someone, talk to someone, and seek external support in person. Online resources are a good start – forums, relationship blogs, even private Facebook groups – but you really need to reach out to your community for help.

    Who is one person you can talk to? What will you say to them?

    What is holding you back from reaching out in person?

    Dig deep, and you will find the strength and courage you need. Stay in touch, tell me how you are, share your journey. Sign up for my Blossom Tips newsletter; I send weekly emails filled with encouragement and inspiration! Here’s the link: http://eepurl.com/ca2mJr

    Take good care of yourself, for you are worth taking good care of.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Sheree

    I have been in a horrible relationship for 3 years now, got together with who I thought was my best friend for 6 years. He is cold, calculating, heartless, and has destroyed any relationship I had with anyone besides him. My question to myself is how did I allow this to happen? I have 5 children that I have custody of they arent mine they belong to a friend, I can’t get out he has token over all finances and I’m not allowed to touch it even to purchase food he has to be present. I need help I need out, these poor kids have been thru enough and now I have made a stupid mistake and put them in a bad situation again. He watches my every move he has control of my fon I am not allowed any internet or social media. What do I do where do I go I don’t want these children to go to foster care, I love them I have had them for almost 6 years now. I just want out, I use to be an account manager for a huge firm making great money he took that from me too, I wish God would hear me I have been pray I g for months Only of I could take this mistake back only of o knew what he was… please someone anyone help me.. there’s no way out I’m lost, He is the worst monster in the world

  • Nicole

    I am in an emotionally abusive marriage for 2 years. It’s hard to even take a breath in this man’s house when he’s home. He has cameras in the house. Not for my daughter and my safety but for him watching my every move, and he wants to see who comes to the house. He is away from the house 5 days every week maybe doing all his dirty work with women, who knows what that dark hearted man does? I certainly don’t know what he does, and certainly I really don’t care. my best times are when he’s away, But when he returns I go into a depression. I am an immigrant living in the US for 2 years and he stopped my immigration process more than 2 times, he isolated me from my family in the Isands, but i still keep in contact with them. He hooked up my phone to his computer so he reads all my texts and watsapp messages and also my messenger texts, he prints out my conversations when I tell friends how he treats me and he gives me the conversation to read. I have no work permit, and he does not give me any money. He believes that I cannot survive without him, once he asked me if I knew what it takes to be his wife? He tells people that I am a depressed person and he wants me to take medication, but I don’t take any. Guess he wants to have me hooked on pills so he can control me until I die. I gave up everything in my home country to come marry this monster. He romanced me like a prince charming for 2 years. I am heart broken and slaughtered now that I am married to him. He’s a predator and I am his prey. He view me as nothing, for him I am an object to use whenever necessary. I will definitely leave him, but if I leave now my immigration process will be on hold and then I will have to go through a tiresome process to start all over again. I have no problem going to a shelter, because anywhere is better than living with this man. His latest attack is taking off the air in the house. I started getting terrible headaches because of the heat and the stress, I ended up in the emergency room doing CT scans and MRI to test for brain injury. Since married to this man, my heart was affected by murmurs. I don’t sleep at nights because I need to get out of this marriage, it’s so sad that I was set up and persued by this lifetime movie character, I wish he had left me alone. But the damage is already done. This man pretends to be a Christian, but God don’t sleep, he smiles with everyone when he’s at bible meetings and when we come home there goes Satan son. Passing me straight in the house, it’s very hard to live this life, but I am trying hard to have patience and to humble myself under God’s hand. But this I know for sure. One day he will be in my Past and I will be enjoying peace and happiness with my 3 daughters, serving a God that never sleeps. All the best to all you loyal women who are enduring under trials and pressure. I love you all.

    • Tash

      Thank You for your story…. it almost mirrors the torture I’m getting in my house! You’re right God never sleeps and one day he will be my past!! I’ve been feeling so alone and the only time I get relief or hope is by reading my bible and praying to God to help me out of this situation. I don’t want to seem selfish to the Lord but I do want peace in my life for me and my daughter.

    • Jennifer L. Johnson

      Nicole…I have left my husband who I am unbelievably still married to.I met him in New York City…he was passing out “testimonies” of him being free and delivered…yeah okay!!!
      I believed he was a born again christian and I went through hell being with him. He was into gothic clubs,vampirism,drugs,you name it before I met him! So after almost 6 years of him screaming at the top of his lungs at me…calling me everything in the book…throwing my past abuse from my kids father in my face…playing demonic gothic music blasting late at night…finally after he choked me twice in one afternoon and threatened to take sex like my abusive first boyfriend…I realized he never let those demons go…he just changed the way he dressed but he was still “A wolf in sheeps clothing” All the praying I did…begging God to change him…it only got worse!!! I left him high and dry…acted like I was going to work…got on a Greyhound and just left! I left him…our apartment…and my job!!!( YOU JUST HAVE TO LEAVE!) The devil is trying to destroy us…let God take care of us sister! LEAVE!!!

  • Moira

    I am so desperate. I am not in that much abusive relationship but at least dead relationship. We are together 7 years. From the start I loved him, evethough not passionately, but I felt safe. I no longer feel safe since I have moved with him to Germany because of work.
    I suffer from terrible depression from the age 14 and I am 31. I have a shitload of health problems, tumor growing in my head like a time bomb a terrrible job which I hate and which is low paid. I have no friends, at least not here. My life is a complete disaster, I do not want to live and when I say this to him, he says I am just edgy, he never understood, he does not have a sympathy for other people, he just wants himself to be understood by people. I wan to get out not only from this “relationship” but also from this life. Yes, I am unstable and he cannot count on me in the future, because I am planning my death but honestly what kind of life ist this….I guess I just wanted to vent. Some people are meant to get better and some not. …

    • NICOLE

      Hi Moira, I am so sorry that your life is not the way you would like it to be. But please do not kill yourself please. Listen, no dead person ever came back to say how good death is. You were born to live, don’t let death steal what God has purposed for you. Reach out to someone or an organization near you and please please please get help. Please read Romans 12; 12. Please email me and we can chat. Have a peaceful day

    • Sherry

      Moira,
      I also moved to Germany with my husband for his job. He is emotionally unavailable and doesn’t understand how I feel or that I suffer from depression and anxiety. I am totally alone. I have absolutely no one. He is with the dod not military so there isn’t a lot of support for civilians. Go to base if you have access and get free advise from an attorney. There are support groups too. I also have felt like I wanted to die and actually tried but failed to kill myself. I am still in Germany but am working for an early release of dependents. I have little support in the US, but I’m going and I’ll try as hard as I can to find my way. I am also in my late 50’s so finding a job and a place to live that I’m happy with is also harder. I am trying to get some support from him so that I have a little money to start out with. I don’t have physical abuse but I feel emotionally exhausted and lack of care for me is abuse. I told him I was going to have a mental break, he shrugged his shoulders and walked out to work. That is the day I tried to overdose. He didn’t even know or realize that I tried to kill myself. If he did I doubt it would bother him at all. I am an inconvenience at best. Being alone in a foreign country is horrible. All I have is the tv to keep me company. I wish you the best. I just wanted you to know that your not alone in your struggle. I know you feel that way because That’s exactly how I feel right this very second.

  • Ginny

    I’ve been in an emotionally abusive marriage for forty years, which I can’t take anymore. I have no support. I asked my family for help years ago, but they believe in working out your own problems. They didn’t want to be bothered with it. I have no family in town, and my husband has little by little isolated us from friends. I keep trying to make it work, but it’s impossible, he has no heart. I’ve been a stay at home mom, and since I’m 59 years old it would be difficult to get a job. I don’t know what to do, I can’t take it anymore.

  • Ines escobedo

    I want to get out of this relationship I’m in my husband is to controlling he always puts the blame on me n he always says sumthing bad about me he dont help me with hes own kids I don’t have no where to go or no money n I have five kids that I need to take care of

  • Tre

    I’m stuck in a marriage with a woman I can’t love anymore, she’s not good to my little girl and that I cannot take. However, I don’t make much money, no family to help and no savings, so if I leave her, I’ll most likely lose my daughter to her mother, after I fought so hard and won custody. Due to my inability to support her by myself, atleast not right now. What are my options?? What do I do??

    • Luis

      Omg! you sound just like me! I too have fought and won custody of my two daughters age 7 and 8,and want out of the new relationship thats been 5 years now,but I dont have a good support network if any at all! and I have health problems that keep me from holding down a job,my girlfriends family like to put me down and talk behind my back and she does not defend me and even talks behind my back to them whenever she is upset about anything,I want out but wont be able to support my kids at the moment without her 🙁 my email is cheepyandbip at gmail.com email me sometime maybe we can both figure it out!

  • Adam

    I have a situation. I’m a man in a relationship with a woman who is an escort. (I knew this but still fell in love with her.) In the beginning it was wonderful. I’ve never felt so loved. She often told me how perfect I was and how happy she was. We’ve been in a relationship for over a year. I met her and we clicked. I was coming off drugs at the time, she seen me in one of my weakest points in my life and still accepted me.(Still clean over a year) I got a good job and was willing to take care of all of her financial responsibilities. Two months in and she was so bored she asked me to quit my job so she could escort again because she made more than me and we could spend more time together. so I did… October of 2017 I got a call from child protective services to go get my children because their mother had them taken away due to an overdose in the house resulting in death. He was a friend of my children’s mother. So I have my kids now with my current girlfriend. (Who I was convinced was my soulmate.) She’s awful to me. Yells at me insults me. does things at “work” that I do not approve of, like sleeping with people using no protection. She tells me not to get jealous. This woman makes more money than I’ve ever seen anyone make. Almost a month behind on rent and all other bills. I’m tired… I’ve tried so hard. I have no money and no car I’ve just about lost everything except my children. She is mentally abusive. I know it sounds weird coming from a man. But I’m not just a man. I’m a gentle, caring, loving and loyal man who was so in love with a woman I gave everything up for her. My friends and family. I’m tired of feeling like I’m being used. And I literally don’t have anything she could use me for.(except the fact that I wake up and live every day of my life for her and do anything she needs) I’m tired of being betrayed and then comforted into believing it won’t happen again.
    There are no boundaries when it comes to my feelings with her. She is an escort with a bad gambling habit who just recently came off Adderall. And she treats me like I’m special and then throws me out when she don’t want me here. I’m stuck. No money no car no friends and the love of my life is breaking my heart more and more the longer I stay.

  • Fiona

    Wow what overly simplistic advice. It reeks of the same sentiment that you hear repeatedly about “making it” in the world that if you want some thing you jus have to ty harder and if you don’t get it it was because you weren’t trying hard enough. It doesn’t take into account all the other factors in someones life hindering their ability to succeed or leave their spouse, such as the emotional wellbeing of both them and their children, lack of community support, emotional abuse and socio-economic factors to name a few.

    I want to leave my husband and I have looked into moving out. With government payments and the small amount of money I get from part time work I would only be able to afford rent. No electricity, no furniture, nothing. I fell pregnant with my first child while I was young and studying, and unfortunately never got my degree as we couldn’t afford childcare and I had no help for my husband or my family.

    I have friends who say I can stay with them, awesome! and I have for a few days, but do I abandon my children or take them with me breaking up their little stable world? my husband is not violent, just an asshole so that doesn’t feel fair on them either.

    All the women I know that claim to be strong single Mothers doing it for themselves have either had their bond, rent and food paid for them by their family while they sort things out, skipped a few streets over to their parents house to live or their husbands left the house, not them.

    When you have no family no money and no where to stay (i have reached out to my community many times offering house sitting or asking if I can stay in peoples holiday houses) it’s a completely different ball game.

    • Chell

      I am in the same situation. I don’t want to disturb another stable home with my issues. I’m a single mother with adult children who moved in with my boyfriend and now find him m controlling lies and getting Physical. The government , churches won’t help if you have no kids. I feel stuck about to just move into my truck and figure it out from there. I understand you.

  • Amanda Weems

    Hello I hope someone can read my story as I do my best to write it. My name is Amanda I am very talented and brave. I was adopted at the age of 5 my birth mom is schizophrenic and my adopted parents also adopted my younger sister who I didn’t know I had until the age of 5. I had a good child hood but started getting abused by my dad even going to school with handmarks. I am not a good social person and I literally am bullied by everyone I meet pre school, school , work.. ect.. it was starting to get so bad I would take it out on my mom and sister because they never believed me. I am alone. I was not a perfect kid I picked on my sister and didn’t listen to my parents because of my mental health. My mom put me on meds and tried sending me to therapy. I was molested as a kid by my neighbors dad. I was running away at the age of 6 I never felt like I belonged or love. My senior year I couldn’t take it anymore and quit school. I tried working jobs the do not last long. A summer goes by and my mom fly’s me out to North Carolina to live with a cousin which I was a burden to ran away and my mom paid to send to Huntsville AL on a bus. Note. I had not been on my meds since the 8th gr hiade. As I arrived my mom said I had to figure it out from there. As a nice guy takes me to a salvation army the next day I had went job searching on my feet and got lost and was rapped by a fat 16 year old who said they had a gun. Prior to all of this living at my mom’s I was in and out trying to live with 1 or 2 boyfriend’s to get away from my mom’s house because of the strict rules my dad served in the Air Force and my mom worked. As I tried and was not successful die too lack of medication suicidal thoughts and abandonment and abuse issue I was not good enough for the family. I try day after day to stay strong as I lay down at night thinking of a way to kill myself to leave this world behind. As there is no help for now I’m in a verbal abusive relationship and there are good and bad days depending on how strong I am and how much I can block out. But carrying on from the first day of being homeless left and right there was drugs and prostitution thrown in my face. As I struggle to stay alive my sister and my dad go to church and live a high profile Christan life and claim they all love and care about me at the same time I am not allowed to live with them unless I work other rules I cannot hang with neighbors and friends and i have to do everything they say. Meanwhile knowing I cannot do any of that i choose to not be a button on them and let them be happy love. As now they are now verbal abusive as well telling me the I do are not good enough I a fat and comment about me smoking when it’s the only thing I have to run too. But forget them I will say more about me I am currently 23 & 3 years ago I was hit by a car on the way to my apartment that me and my current relationship where living in at the time to the emergency room I had got a call from Walmart to do a last interview for the job but I call my to let here know and she said you better have been actually hurt I am not leaving work for something small. As I lay there with broken teeth, knose, and leg, knowing I was fucked I could not pay to fix my leg or teeth I walk around getting bad looks or laughed at and my body hurts every single day. So we finally got a car I left my job because I was working 3rd shift and living in my car and I was a great worker even though I could not stand long because the pain in my back. So dipped out of Alabama and moved on to Florida now I’m on the verge of losing my boyfriend because he works at this hotel and the owner let’s us live here and they are remodeling and he works 7 days a week no day off no time off from 7am to sometimes 1 am the guy is a dick and so is his wife the world revolves around them and it’s there way or the high they talk about me how I don’t work and his wife says I’m ugly and fat with different words . I really think she has no soul and yet if you defend yourself she talks about me to her husband and takes it out. Yet I am a nice person and even though I hurt I tried my best to clean there hotel rooms when they don’t have a maid or the office or car broke down so they let us use there car but I have to take his wife shopping all the time or get there food, or pick there kid up from school , or pick there kid up from soccer. They lady is so lazy and rude and laughs at my pain. But what hurts me the most at the end of the day my boyfriend belittles me and takes her side. I stand up for what I believe is right and wrong. But I have tried mental hospitals I can’t afford anything I can’t afford meds and I don’t like being locked up. I am currently trying to figure out how to just escape this world as I cry myself to sleep every night. Thank you for your time and prayers. Peace 1:36am

    • Alexa

      I am so sorry to hear all this! Much of the stress factor at a young age in the house you grew up in mirrors mine! Both my birth “parents” were mean and abusive bullies in every way imaginable. I left at 18 and they and my siblings still all pretend to be this Christian loving family. They are the most judgemental people and my parents are manipulative on top of that. It’s the same that if I had moved back in with them, it would be all their crazy, controlling, isolating rules. Growing up with that, I was easily bullied much and not able to defend myself because if they got any call I would be punished. It was difficult to maintain friends when I could not even go to their birthday parties or hang out without a million restrictive rules or at all. I had been living with a female friend after moving out but the environment was so unstable with her alcoholic abusive father and she was a mess at the time as well as a result. I did not have support. I moved in with the guy I was speaking to and seeing for a while and moved to New York where I had been wanting to move. I was eventually able to get us to move our way to NYC which was where I had wanted to be. By that point I was so depressed and drained from all these abusive, toxic people. I had trouble getting or even keeping a job and for one reason or the other would lose it. This only fueled an already disgusting, asshole, abusive guy to put me down even more. I despise him and only a month ago finally brought him to court to protect myself. I am not in love with him anymore for years now. It has only been a survival thing financially but now he refuses to work at all.

      I don’t tell many people about it anymore because some don’t get it. Or want me to leave on their time. The people that had offered me to stay with them either weren’t stable or were males and I could not trust another male. I did not want to get in the same situation WNE also financially at the time my ex I live with could provide more financially.

      I have moved out of the city now to a nearby state and hate it. I am so bored but able to get a job easier here. I am trying my best to save money to get away but with him not working at all now I get tempted to just up and leave. He doesn’t work by choice because he has a great resume and would be hired quickly. He is 29 and I am 25. I have always been much more mature than him.

      I have been considering going to a women’s shelter. I am scared to be on my own only because jobs have never seemed stable for me. Even jobs I come to on time, do my job, don’t argue. For some reason it’s like something with me triggers people to feel that can just discard me. Are there any shelters near you you can go to? Are you on any public assistance? I am praying for your escape and complete healing. Many people give advice and don’t have a solution for us. I’ve realize it’s on us to figure it out. I am reaching the point of not caring and just sleeping in the car I bought and leaving and telling no one where I went. I have dealt with toxic people and abuse in every way my entire life. I want to know a day without this chaos. I continue to try to keep my head above water and my faith in God. Had I known this guy was so disgusting, I would’ve never left my original situation with my female friend and most likely have figured it out or went back to school. Sometimes I just want to go to a random country far away and start new.

      If you’d like, feel free to reach out to me at CherryDavis88@gmail.com I also recommend joining a group called NARCISSIST SUPPORT GROUP (for SURVIVORS). It has helped me to gain much clarity and strength. People are very supportive on there and you may learn about why much of the abusive people around you behave the way they do. Much love and blessings to you Angel <3

  • Chell

    I am an 43 year old female living with my boyfriend now for 3+ years. I have caught him lying to me multiple times regarding other woman ,with drugs and many other lies. In public he does not treat me like his girlfriend unless another man in looking at me. He does not allow me to bring my belongings here they have to remain in storage. But things he likes like my fishing gear etc is ok. He said he wants me as a life partner but he does not want my things here to hold me here in case it doesn’t work out. I finally couldn’t take it and told him I need my things he said no. We argue constantly. Nothing is mine. No pictures , no memories I feel alone. When ever we fight he says i can bring SOME things over but it has to be approved by him so why bother. It’s not what I want. If I am supposed to be his life partner we are supposed to share everything. All he does is sit drink and smoke weed and watch tv and belittle me. I try and try what I can to do but nothing is good enough. I can’t touch anything because he is always watching what I am touching like I am doing it wrong. I do everything for him. All he had to do is get up. I even fetch his beers. We used to laughter and cuddle and talk now he ignores me and we never even touch.
    I’m always wrong. He sneaks around at night and wakes me when doing so and when I question him I’m wrong. I’ve lost my job and whenever I get a interview something comes up to ruin in or I can’t go or it’s not a good job for me. I now might even lose my phone next month since I have no money then I will have no outside contact. He offers to pay it but it’s another for of control.
    He’s is an amputee and uses that as pitty when needed.

  • Elizabeth

    So sorry to hear what everyone is going throught. Am in the same dilemma. My fiance and boyfriend of 7yrs has been trying to contact prostitutes lately. I dont know what to do or how to feel. I confronted him for it and he shows remorse but am sure this is only because he got caught. I forgave him before for the same reason. Althought he says he has never meet up with anyone, i cant know for sure. We curently live in an apt under both our names and i dont want to leave because that will mean going back to live with my mother who is currently sleeping in the living room because she decided to rent out all the bedrooms in the house. Shes also horrible at supporting me, Emotionally or in any way. I have no one. I am truly alone. Whats the point ?

    Fyi i am a full time student an do not work.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Gabby,
    You’re a brave, smart young woman! I’m glad you’re here, and I can see how much you love your mom and sister. It’s not fair that you’re in this situation, and I’m sorry you have to think about how to help your mom get out of a relationship….especially since you have no where to go right now.
    I have lots of thoughts for you – too many to put here! So I wrote a whole article for you:

    How to Help Your Mom Leave an Abusive Relationship
    http://blossomtips.com/how-to-help-your-mom-leave-an-abusive-relationship/

    Please call the police, Social Services, and women’s helplines until you find a place you’re safe. Talk to your teachers, guidance counselors, and social workers until you figure out what to do. You don’t have to live in fear and abuse — and your mom may not have the strength it takes to leave.

    Read the article I wrote for you, and let me know how you are!

    xo
    Laurie

  • Gabby

    I am 16 and trying to help my mother get out of an abusive marriage. My father was an alcoholic and ruined her career by calling the cops and lying to them. She has had a disorderly conduct for 10 years now, and it still won’t get off of her record. She has had a hard time of getting a job being a teacher, like she used to be. He calls her names, threatens her with calling the cops again, spends thousands of dollars on drugs, and is very controlling. My dad has also abused me by cutting off almost all my hair, choking me once and calling me mean and nasty names. Thankfully he has done nothing to my 8 year old sister. I do have settlement money coming to me, but that won’t be for two more years. We have no money and no long term place to stay until we get on our feet. What do I do?

    • Laurie Post author

      Gabby, here’s a comment that another reader sent me:

      Find support if you live with your parents. Being exposed to family violence between your parents, even at 16, is abusive in itself. In Australian legislation, this is classed as child abuse because of what it does to a young person’s developing brain, emotional wellbeing and the risk to physical safety.

      Get professional help for yourself, and try to find support services for your mother.

      And, know that the abuse was and is NEVER your fault. You are not the cause of it, you haven’t even contributed to it. You are worthy, likeable, loveable, a beautiful girl who is deserving of all the opportunities out there.

      Support your mother from a distance but not from within your family home. Be strong, and understand it’s hard to leave a relationship and not go back. Also know that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is immediately after leaving — so make sure you have a safety plan.

  • Laurie Post author

    Winnie, thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry for what you’ve been going through for all these years! You’re right; it’s not easy to just get out of a relationship…especially when you have nowhere to go. Calling a shelter or helpline isn’t an option for everything — it really is more complicated than that. Especially when you have health issues that are so difficult and complicated.

    I have no magic solutions or easy tips that will help you get out of this relationship. I just wanted you to know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers. May you find strength and courage, hope and healing.

    Take care of yourself, Winnie. Know that no situation is hopeless or impossible, and that one day you may find yourself in a completely new, healthy, and fulfilling life!

    Wouldn’t that be amazing?

  • Winnie

    I’ve been abused and isolated by my husband for many years. Because of it I have developed anthropophobia and I believe PTSD, as I have invading flashes and strange episodes where I am terrified for my life when there is no visible threat. I also stopped experiencing emotions about 4 years ago and went through an existential breakdown as well as a loss of identity.

    There are no shelters where I live. There are a few in a city 30 miles away from my location but I cannot get there and I couldn’t go regardless, because I fear all people. I cannot speak to people, even on the phone. I hide when someone knocks on my door. I have tried to get help and reach out. Everyone has become a threat to me.

    Before, I was very social, working, with many friends, and enjoyed traveling. Now I rarely go outside. I no longer have friends. I have no family to seek help from. I have asked for help and been denied. I am alone besides him. I have no desires other than to be away from people and alone.

    I do not have medical care. I am barely able to take care of myself. I need eyeglasses. I need to see a dentist. Those are the mild things. I have severe anxiety attacks. I struggle to eat or sleep. I cannot concentrate. I struggle just to make it through a day. I have become very forgetful and am starting to experience confusion.

    I tried to get him to leave twice but he attempted suicide each time and I had to save him. I had to save the life of the person who is taking mine away every day.

    He has had over 84 affairs, that I know of. He has blamed me for many of them. I have tried kindness, I have tried ignoring his treatment of me, I have cried, I have yelled trying to defend myself. Nothing worked of course. It took me some time to understand I could do nothing but leave, abusers do not change unless they want to, and seek professional help.

    He has borderline personality disorder and while not all people with BPD behave how he does, nor are they abusive, it has complicated issues.

    He twists my words around though I speak clearly and directly. I ask for what I want or need and he ignores me, later he responds saying I said he’s worthless, though I never say such things. I understand he is in pain but he is destroying me. I have tried talking to him, tried getting him help.
    He doesn’t yell at me or hit me, but manipulates me with gaslighting and stonewalling. His abuse is constant and subtle, yet psychologically scarring.
    I didn’t see it all at first, after we were married he immediately changed and I was confused why someone who loved me so intensely just the day before and the previous year, suddenly did not speak to me for 3 months. He cuts himself. He drives dangerously and is always getting tickets and not telling me as warrants are mailed to the house almost twice a year. He has done drugs. He constantly seeks out others for sex. He has not kept a job for more than 1 year, getting fired though he never knows how or why since according to him, he does nothing wrong.

    He does nothing but push me away while not letting me leave. He has shared personal things about me to others to cause me shame. Once he ignored me for several months and it warped my reality to the point that I began to break down and fear I had died and became a ghost and didn’t know it. He tells lies about me; he has told others I am his sister, or his ex that is abusing him and cheats on him. He has threatened that if I leave, he will make certain I never see my children, declaring I am psychotic. I don’t believe anything he says anymore.

    He has demolished our house; tore up the carpet to expose unfinished wood floors, leaving it for years which are practically impossible to clean. He makes holes in walls doing “projects” that he never finishes, there isn’t one room in the entire 5 bedroom house that is free from damage. He has filled our basement with garbage like a hoarder. He removed the counter top from the kitchen and has broken many cupboard drawers and cupboards, leaving them in disrepair. He spills food and leaves it, on counters, the stove, in the fridge, on the floor. He leaves dirty dishes and cookware half filled with food, out. He leaves wet towels and wet clothes to mold.
    I used to do everything myself, he has rarely helped with anything. The more overwhelmed I became the less I do. Now I struggle to keep things clean and watch him go round wrecking our house. He once brought in cats and wouldn’t get them fixed, we eventually had 22 cats. Now we have 7 but it is still too many for me to handle cleaning up after. I used to spend all day cooking and cleaning and not making a real dent in progress. Once he went away for work for 2 weeks and all I did was clean, it was nice, well as nice as it can get in such poor condition, until he came back.

    This has lasted 19 years now, and I have been actively seeking help best I can, for the past 5 years. I have no way out. I have recently developed suicidal thoughts that I am trying so hard to fight. I daydream of escaping to a little cottage in the woods.

    It isn’t always as simple as making a call or going to a shelter. Some people really cannot do those things.

    • Sarah

      Winnie. I know exactly how you feel. I am married to a man who has taken every bit of who I was when he met me and destroyed her. I used to be quirky and wild. Now I tip toe through life not knowing what to do with myself. I hate my marriage! I want to leave! I want to move far away from him but I can’t because of Michigans 100 mile law. I left him in January but a week after I did he had one of his cousins call COS on me for staying at my dads house who is a medical Marijuana provider. To protect my children I went back to the hell of a life that he had built around us. In the following month He acted like he couldn’t live without me and did everything to make me happy. He even said he was going to get mental help… he went once and never went back saying that if I didn’t want this to work than why should he try? I’ve been made to feel like I am stupid and can’t handle simple daily tasks without him. He says he’s going to help me get my license but never does and admitted that he never wanted me to drive because he was afraid I would leave him. Then he changed it and said I was such a scatter brain that he didn’t feel safe with my kids in the car with me driving.

      I’m ata point where I have no where to go because my family is scared he will ruin their lives for helping me, and since J had no choice but to go back because of the CPS thing no one takes me seriously about leaving. The problem was that’s i was to close and he knew where I was at. I want to leave and get my life together. My license, a car, a job…. and a stable home for my kids. It’s hard when this stuff happens. No one knows what it’s like till they go through it. I have dealt with everything from unscheduled swinger sessions at my house I didn’t know about till the ppl show up, him sending dick pics to my mom, and other horrible things. I had a girl write me ands at my husband was a sick vile pig and if he ever talk to her again she was getting a restraining order… and that the first time he hit on her she was 17. I’ve watched in on convos with friends he’s hitting on, had him go on my Facebook and tell my female friends I wanted to have a 3 way with them and my husband…..14 yrs of hell!!!

    • Dani

      Winnie,
      I have been through a lot of what you’re going through and I am praying for you now. I hope that you’ve found a way to reach out to someone, and are doing better. A good church family and community might help (it has helped me in the past). It is fair to say that not all churches are equal as christian are human and make mistakes also but please believe that All of your health and healing is from God. People can act as Gods hands but God is in control, so please trust God so that you don’t have to trust people. He has delivered me and can and will deliver you. Just believe and stay strong in His word and all His promises. You will see them make manifest everyday.
      God Bless <3

  • gmei2

    Hes the one that has no where to go…no money. no car. no family but me… He is an addict and while he has gone to rehab and did fantastic, excelled even, 4 months out and same thing diffrent day? gets a job, looses it in a month or so..and its ALWAYS someone elses fault. Or he’s just too old to do it. the labor involved isnt for a 53 yr old man.? whatever. Ive had it!! Im done!! Im tired! I dont want to deal with his life any more ive picked up the pieces so many times im sick!! I am a poor person i work and do my best but i dont have anything and he sucks what i do have straight out of me to where i just dont even care anymore. But he WONT leave cause he has nothing and no where to go. I would have to evict him and give him 30 days but he just laughs at that. I do not have the money to court order it. So i need a book or person that tells me HOW to do this!! Ive turned to friends family churchs etc… No one… Will actually help they dont want in the middle and they always ask what they can do…i need a court order to put him out in 30 days. So he will need transportation and a place to go. Every one is like yeah good luck with that!!

  • SAND

    I sleep on the couch, my husband demands intimacy as his right and when I refuse he takes away my money, my credit card and as gave up work to raise our children so he could travel for his job have no income or savings of my own. As he has a high income I no longer get child benefit, so rely on the £400 he gives me, with £100 of that going on direct debits and household bills. He is never home always an excuse to go out with mates. gym and has no time for our children, can not remember the last time he spent a hold day with them, even made a excuse on Christmas day to go to bed early. He puts me down all the time and finds faults in all of us, there is so much, he hurts us verbally daily even making us cry in public, I could go on for ages listing everything but I’ll stop here.

  • Michelle

    I want out there’s times where I leave I feel lonely and scared I’ve asked friends for help no one can help I lost my mom and dad 2years ago I feel lost nowhere to go and I have no one my husband has changed with me he is always yelling at me he won’t let me have friends he gets mad and leaves what do I do

  • Shannon

    I’m in a relationship 4 yrs now that me and boyfriend fight all the time telling that I’m cheating when I’m not on him never have ,I live with him under his friends roof and me and my daughter have no where else to go but here my mom lives in a one bedroom apartment with my son and my sister and her 2 kids already I called everyone I know that I through would help but I’ve said it before to them that I would leave and I have but he always says he would charge and it goes right to the same shit what can I do please help me and my daughter out

  • Anonymous Mom

    25 y/o female w/a small child.

    I met my daughter’s father 3 years ago and we’ve been together ever since. He’s a tattoo artist and has always been the primary bread winner of our family. When we started dating I didn’t have a job, as I just moved from to a new city. We got pregnant pretty early into our relationship and he assured me I didn’t have to work he’d take care of things, that I should even move in w/him. Which he did up until the later months of my pregnancy where he started to show signs of financial stress and needed me to help out. Even after having a C section and being barely recovered, when my daughter was 6 weeks old, I stopped breastfeeding and went back to work on weekends. THAT’S WHERE THE PROBLEMS AROSE. It started w/little arguments about me not being home (yeah cuz I’m at work!), most of his clients wanted weekends so I needed to be available for him to work because”he made more money”. Soon enough, I had to quit. Jobless again for a few months until he “needed help” again. It was then I got my Dream Job working for MAC cosmetics (I’m a makeup artist). I was working about 30+ hours a week but I got paid weekly and they paid VERY WELL! I was able to help out more financially and I was finally happy w/my career choice. The problems resurfaced shortly thereafter. Again w/me “interfering w/him making his money”. I refused to quit my job this time however! I was going to make it work! I moved back into my family’s house which was closer to my job and we would alternate who had the baby based on our schedules. Soon THAT became a problem for him as well because he”had to spend all his money driving back and forth” because I don’t have a car. So, I moved back in. I would commute between my job and his house which were about 2hrs apart driving and a little more on public transit.
    He’s financially able to care for the 3 of us, then he’s not, he needs me to work, he needs to me to quit. As of lately I’ve been trying to freelance to at least front my immediate wants and needs but he makes it almost impossible because it of course interferes w/his schedule. my family won’t help me because half are #TeamHim and thinks he can do no wrong. The others just tell me how stupid I am as if that makes things any better. I can’t find a sitter and I can’t find a job w/o a sitter. I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to be on the streets w/my daughter who is 1 year old but I know if I don’t get away from him this will only continue until he decides to put me out and then I WONT have any other options. Please. Any kind words from strangers?

    • Sushila

      Don’t ever stop doing what you love! Our babies grow from our happiness and success. They really see that. Keep your head up and maybe look into private day care. Stay positive you sound like a great mama! Good luck!

  • jeanette rivera

    i have been asked to get my self out of the house. I am accused of all sorts of things I never did. I think it is their way of justifiying a wrong doing. I have no where to go and 3/4 through my degree. No job no money and very little time to do this. Please help me find a way.

  • Mal Parr

    I’m 52 y/o male.
    Been living with my partner fr 2.5 years.
    In that time I’ve lost my friends and contact with my kids.
    Her many forms of control have broken my spirit.
    I have reached out for support from some contacts I have managed to keep.
    Feeling terrible about the secrecy required.
    Currently seeking accommodation, then rent assistance, followed by employment to be selfsupporting.
    It’s not easy, but must be done for my internal health. I need to get out of this relationship even though I have nowhere to go.
    I am not in the serious or life threatening situations many of your readers will be in, but offer them this most valuable advice.
    IF YOU EXPERIENCE FEELINGS OF HATERED TOWARD YOUR PARTNER(even if fully in love) YOU ARE BEING MISTREATED……….
    This CAN lead to terrible outcomes.
    DO SOMETHING TO ADDRESS YOUR POSITION.
    When there is no light at the end of the tunnel, remember, you hold a torch within,
    you can use it to help find your own way, or, you can deny it, cower where you are, and hope someone will find you and is willing to help……….
    HOW WILL THEY FIND YOU IN THE DARK???

    • Julia

      I read your comment and it resonates with me. I am 48 year old female , I have lost friend and family and I trust very few people. I’m currently being ignored by my partner who won’t even discuss our relationship so I am a sitting duck feeling vulnerable and insecure. The relationship has been an emotional rollercoaster and I feel exhausted. I’ve no job, and nowhere to go, I’ve woken tired after a restless night waking up many times. I expect I will be ignored again today so I need to take my own action. I don’t have children but I do have a dog which is a responsibility when it comes to finding somewhere else to live. I feel very frustrated I can’t believe I have got myself into such a vulnerable position. Your post gave me a boost as you are positive so thank you.

    • Marian

      Your situation is somewhat similar to mine. I moved over 800 miles away because I thought I found the right guy. It’s been 4 years. At first we lived with his father. They fought constantly hours at a time. We got a place of our own. But he just as nasty to me. I recently had a surgery so I can’t drive for 2 weeks. He was OK the 1st week. Now he’s getting a nasty attitude because he has to run the arrands. I always ran the arrands sick or well with no gripe. I have no job or car at this time. No friends. No possible help from family. I feel so confused and trapped

  • Annon

    I am 23 turning 24 I was kicked out of home at 16 and failed to finish yr 12 since I left home I’ve never had a stable job or income let alone a stable home. I lived with a friend and her family for 2 months after being kicked out before I moved into residential care I stayed there for 4 months moved back with mum within 2 weeks it fell apart I moved in with my bf while trying to get myself through high school..after 2 yrs living together he broke up with me. I didn’t know how to get out of a relationship, I had nowhere to go but I moved out that day and lived with a much older man(38). After a few months he started physicAlly abusing me and I moved out to my mums I got to know my recent partner and mum thought I should stay there so I was kicked out again…we bought a house and every thing was great for a yr. Then all the things from my past came back to haunt me and I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I could not even go to the shops, we started to argue he would call me lazy.
    Eventually I started to study a diploma of community services and slowly started getting out again around that time I got off centerlink as he was earning too much for me to get a payment.
    My mum knows he is abusive but cant help I have no where to go and no money I am petrified I wont finish this course and gain my own independence…..I just want to be happy and loved again….

    • jeanette rivera

      I feel you have been through a life time of trauma. I don’t know you but I have love for you. I will pray right now that you be given a blessing to grow thre rest of your life having love and happiness. I wish I could help you in other ways , however, I am in a bad financial situation and have nothing to offer. Much love and prayer. Jeanette.

    • Lady Bee

      You have a man problem, YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT A MAN!!!. Everytime you are about to do great things in your life , you screw it all up by having a man in your life. Tackle this problem first!

  • Ana

    I am 27 years old I am a paralegal I had a job where I was employed for 5 years I have now a 9 year old & 1 year old. I got married to an ex army guy 3 years ago he came back with really bad ptsd, bipolar disorder and depression. On top of that drinking and drug problems.. he made me quit my job, I left my house, I turned in my car and left everything to move to another state with him he said he would change if we moved that it was the city and friend that was around him that was affecting us, so as a loving wife I said ok so we moved where his family is at and situation gotten worse I feel like I’m in a dead end, he has put hands on me abused me emotionally as well, yells and punches things around the kids and what makes this situation worse his family knows about it and don’t do nothing to help me only thing they say it’s pray for him to change. I have no car, no job, I can’t look for a job because I have no babysitter or money to pay daycare, I reached out to my mom but she’s always being focus on her sentimental life than her kids, my dad passed away in 2009 got killed in Mexico. & other than that I have no other family aunts and cousins see it as I am being dumb for not fighting but they were raised as what is other people would say if you get divorced? There’s days where I just feel like ending my life because there’s no hope or faith left in my situation changing, I tried planning on how to get out of this but there’s no exit. Than when I think if I end up my life who will take care of my two girls and that’s what keeps me pushing and believing there’s a God who will take away this pain and remove me from this situation. I tried shelters, but there’s only so many days you can stay..& counseling cost money something I don’t have my husband controls my every move. I guess talking about it makes it feel a little better when you have no one to talk to because he made stopped talking to friends and family. And when his insults tells me to live and laughs because he knows I don’t have no one or how to get out of here. The only thing you can do it’s stay strong for your kids and pray that this situation gets better soon

    • Mel

      Ana, I don’t have answers for you, or a solid solution but I just wanted you to know someone read your story and I’m bleeding for you. I’ve been there. And I don’t have a clear answer as to what gets me through it, it simply happens. I hope your heart is smiling today. ~Mel <3

    • Someone who Cares

      Ana,
      I hope this message gets to you, just remember you are not alone!!
      I am where you are and I came on this site to get support and ideas about how to leave my situation.
      Your story touched me and I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. God has a way to see you through.

      • Shannon

        Not alone is true but when u have no where to go what do u do cause all the homeless shelters won’t help cause he’s not physical abuse he’s mental abusing me and verbal abuse too so can I do to get out

    • jeanette rivera

      anna you are so beautiful and such a great mother. what a masterful achievement. keep reaching out like at a chrurch. someone will hear you and give you what you need. there are so many people with resources that are touched by those who really deserve a chance. keep believing. my prayers hold a spot for contemplating your life.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Jennifer,

    I was a foster child, too! It’s a sad and lonely feeling, to feel like you’re all alone in the world. I remember feeling so angry and depressed in my 20s because all my friends had family who loved and supported them…and I had nobody. It’s especially difficult when you want to get out of a relationship and you have nowhere to go – and you’re married to a man who is addicted to pain medications. I really am sorry for your situation.

    You sound like a woman who is stronger than she thinks she is! One thing about being in foster care, it makes us tough and smart and strong….even when we feel like the world has turned against us.

    I’ve written a few articles about coping when you feel alone and like you have nowhere to turn:

    7 Things to Remember When You Feel Like No One Cares
    http://blossomtips.com/feeling-unwanted-no-one-cares/

    How to Come Alive When You Feel Dead Inside
    http://blossomtips.com/i-feel-dead-inside-come-alive/

    And here’s a question for you:
    What changes do you want to see in your life? How can things get better for you – what can you do to move your life in that direction?

  • Jennifer Andrews-Long

    I have no family to help me as I was a foster child and I am disabled so working is out of the equation. I am on social security but it’s less than $800 a month and my daughter is in college so getting help from the state won’t happen. My husband is addicted to pain mess and uses our money to get them when he can’t find mine to steal. His parents have always hated my daughter and I and have treated us like garbage for 15yrs. To make matters worse my Mil is the one who got my husband addicted in the first place. I have nowhere to go and leaving is hard as I need help due to my disabilities. Things got so bad I even forced myself to work for 2 weeks to try to fix what he has done and made my health worse by doing so. I feel so lost and I have no one to talk to or lean on for any kind of support. I tried to go to counseling but since Medicare only pays 20% and Medicaid won’t cover it I couldn’t afford to go. I feel so dead inside anymore, don’t even recognize myself. He puts his parents before me all the time despite their ill treatment of my daughter and I, even though they treat him like garbage he still runs to them! What do you do when you feel like the world is against you and you have nowhere to turn?

  • Karrie

    Ive been married for almost ten years and we have 4 children. In almost all ten years have been a nightmare and everytime I think its getting better it only gets worse. We use to put hands on eachother, but now we both have domestic violence records on our background. Before I met him I never got in trouble. Now we break things, but he goes way overboard. He will pop my tires so I cannot drive to work. He will threaten to leave me with all of the kids, knowing that I cant go to work w/o him being here with my kids. He works too but our schedules were opposite eachothers. Now I dont have job. I called in hysterical because he was leaving me and he threatens it all the time. So I told them that I cant do this no more. I have 4 children and no babysitter.
    I am at my wit’s end and dont know what to do? I dont know how to leave him. There is no money saved. He controls everything. My son gets SSI because he has autism and he has control of the card when hes not even the payee. Even when I worked he controlled my money.
    Whats even worse is he has an alcohol and gambling problem he doesnt seek help for and blames me for why he has problems when hes been drinking before we met.
    I wish at a time like this I had family and friends but I kept myself distant from making friends because hes so controlling and jealous and my family is more than 3000 miles away. Sometimes I feel like this much stress is going to kill me. People look at me like Im stupid and its my fault and it is. I give into him too much, but sometimes do it to keep the peace. We’ve tried church. It hasnt been doing us much good. I tried calling marriage counselors, none take our insurance and they are expensive. I am so lost right now.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Bobbi,

    I’m sorry your relationship ended, and you feel like you have nowhere to go. It’s a lonely, lost feeling – I’ve been there. It’s scary, like the whole world is cold and unfeeling.

    When I worked at a women’s shelter for women leaving abusive relationships, we had several beds for single women without children or who weren’t pregnant. You might keep calling around, and asking if there is a shelter who can accommodate you for a few nights.

    The other thing is your friends….honestly, friends are to help us when we fall down. If you accept their help with the agreement that you will be there for them when they need help, do you think you could humble yourself and “burden” to them? I actually don’t think you’ll be a burden at all…true friends are there when we need them. They need only be asked, and they are often happy to step up and help out.

    Are you willing to accept their help, even though you wish you didn’t have to?

  • Bobbie

    I am completely co- dependent on my husband and have been for many years. I AM college educated, but don’t have work experience.
    never in a million years did I think I would be in this unfortunate predicament. He kicked me out and I literally have no where to go, no one to turn to. My friends are married with families of their own, I don’t wanna burden anyone- I especially don’t wanna involve my family for reasons I can’t get into. I am so hopless and HELPLESS. I have explored my resouces and unless I am pregnant or have minor children I’m pretty much assed out. Plz someone help me …

    • Mercy

      We are in the same boat. I’m still here with him but I need to leave soon. I also have a 18yrs old daughter that lives with me too. I don’t know where to go. I haven’t work because I have osteoarthritis on both knees on all three sides. And my daughter started to work recently three days a week and she will start college in March. I pray that this doesn’t affect her too much.

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience with such courage and honesty. You are learning how to show up for yourself, to voice what’s happening in your relationship, and to express what it feels like to say “I have nowhere to go.”

    This is more important than you realize. Your thoughts are powerful, and you are starting to consider the possibilities. You are wondering if you can get out of this relationship, and your subconscious is working on a plan to escape and heal.

    Here’s a question to consider:

    Which path (staying in this relationship, or reaching out for help) leads to more life, possibilities, and purpose?

    Go where the life is. Find ways to clear noise and clutter of unhealthy attachments, bad relationships, unhappy people. Listen to the still small voice of God – of divine wisdom and power! Be quiet so you can hear.

    Take a deep breath. Remember that you were created for a purpose, and that your life is not yet over. Your time here on earth is short, but it doesn’t have to be meaningless or full of suffering.

    Own up to the choices you’ve made and aren’t making. Don’t let past decisions ruin your future…you may grieve your loss, but you will be alive and growing a healthier future. You will be Blossoming.

    Here’s another post that may interest you:

    How to Deal With Your Fear of Being Alone
    http://blossomtips.com/how-to-deal-with-fear-of-being-alone/

    Take care of yourself. Listen for that still small voice – for you are smarter, stronger, and braver than you know.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Roger

    I am on the opposite side of this. Allow me to explain. My wife is a control freak and has isolated me from all my friends and family. She goes into a freak out mode thinking I am dead or left her if I do not answer my phone. She constantly accuses me of cheating. She insists on holding onto the money. She claims she is better at handling it. I know she thinks I will leave her if I hold on to it. Which is true I would. She is smothering me as well as condescending to me. She treats me like she is my mom. I hate it. The emotional and mental abuse has to stop. I need help, but have no one and nowhere to go and no money even though I have a good paying job.

    • Becky

      Sorry to hear that Roger, it’s always sad when a relationship ends and now I myself am going through a break up after 5 yrs. he always controlled the money and our outside interactions with friends and family. Unfortunately this relationship distanced me from my family and any friends. After 5 years I am pretty much alone. I’m looking for some type of support group to try and pick up the pieces of my life and quit being in denial that I can somehow change his mind if I promised him everything and anything to love me again. I wish you the best and everyone out there that feels all alone. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.

      • Brenda Forbes

        As of today I am in the same situation and I’m not sure what to do? He made me miss a appointment with a public defender and now I can’t even call him cause he wasn’t there? Also I have court on Thursday
        What do I do please help me

  • Shiela

    So just another update… I won my custody battle. I have been working full time, I have my own car, and I have my own apartment. It has and still is extremely difficult but I sometimes see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so much more like myself again. I hope I can keep getting better. Who knows maybe I will find love again!? I think my biggest issues is feeling like I will NEVER trust again. To all the hopeless people out there stick to it and you won’t regret it.

    • Recluse

      I am so glad for you. Wish I could find my courage to do just that, and get out of this relationship. I’m so happy for you. I know it’s almost a year later but I’m sure you are doing even better now. I know that it helps by hearing the good. Not just the stories of perpetual terror. The kind where your scared to go 2 sleep (ptsd) & ur scared 2 wake up. Ive lived that. I want out. I want what you have. Just a little bit of sanity & hope

  • Hopeless in Houston

    Sounds like my life too only I have 5 children been in relationship for 11 years, no job, no family, no money and my only hope and strength comes from my children. Sometimes I just want to die but I have 5 children that need me.

  • Lisa

    I am tired of reading comments on these websites from males complaining about it being sexist or whatever, when women are being treated badly in marriages and need support to leave. In general, it is the man who adopts the bullying attitude, and keeps his wife subdued or oppressed by mental or physical abuse over the years. We are not just talking about leaving a marriage, it’s about getting away from somebody who has almost stripped you of your personality, confidence, identity. Have some compassion please.

    • Fred

      I have to agree. Lisa seems to not understand that men also encounter situations that totally destroy and humiliate them to the point that they no longer have any self confidence and nowhere to turn. I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find anything like this for men. Not all men are in control. Some have been destroyed by significant other and have nowhere to turn.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    It’s possible — but scary and a lot of work — to find ways to get out of a relationship when you have nowhere to go. The worst position to take is “I’m helpless, and I have nowhere to go.” This just reinforces those helpless, powerless feelings.

    Start by calling a helpline. Ask for resources in your neighbourhood. They will help you…but you have to start making those calls and reaching out.

  • rachel

    i am a single mom and im bout to be homeless i need help im suppose to be out by monday no later then tuesday can i get some help my daughter is 6 and i have no income wont get my disability til march or april

    • Cortney

      I sure hope you found what you needed for you and that baby…I am just starting to go thru the same thing my daughter and I…I feel so hopeless I don’t know what to do or where to go.How do you get out of a relationship when you have nowhere to go

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Thank you for being here, and sharing how hard it is to cope when you want to get out of a relationship, but you have nowhere to go. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and that you feel stuck and helpless. I hear your pain, and I wish I had magic words to make things better.

    Giving advice isn’t my strength, so unfortunately I can’t tell you what you should do. However, I have written about this type of problem in the past. You might find this helpful:

    How to Find Strength to Get Out of a Bad Relationship
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/need-strength-to-leave-a-relationship-6-ways-to-get-strong-now/

    And, here is a list of national resources and hotlines that provide anonymous, confidential information to callers. They can answer questions and perhaps even give you advice.

    Hopeline
    Phone Number: 800-442-HOPE (4673)

    Mental Health America – For a referral to specific mental health service or support program in your community
    Phone Number: 800-969-NMHA (6642)

    National Alliance on Mental Illness – Provides support, information, and referrals
    Phone Number: 800-950-NAMI (6264)

    National Domestic Violence Hotline
    Phone Number: 800-799-SAFE (7233)

    National Sexual Assault Hotline
    Phone Number: 800-656-HOPE (4673)

    National Suicide Prevention Hotline
    Phone Number: 800-273-TALK (8255)

    Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
    Phone Number: 800-826-3632

    I hope one of these organizations is able to give you the help you’re looking for. May you find peace, courage, strength, and healing as you move forward.

    Please do come back anytime, and tell me how you’re doing! I’d love to hear from you again.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • LostinMN

    What about if you have no job, no family, no where to go, social services won’t help because I don’t have any children. I’m stuck with someone who likes to throw it in my face that he can kick me out and I have nothing. I gave up all my friends (most of them are addicts anyways) and I’ve only been sober 249 days sober myself. The only thing I have is my car and I can’t even drive it because I don’t have a license.

    • Lorraine

      Same situation, although nicotine is my addiction. My boyfriend and I both have jobs and he expects me to be the one to cook and clean everything as well. I just got a promotion and my hours are going to be all over the place for 8 weeks, he has a temper, degrades me daily if I say or do something he doesn’t like. Last night he asked me to bring him food after work and I did and I woke him up 3 times and on the third time I told him that I have woken him up 3 times so he could eat the food that I brought him for him and he blew up he said I didn’t wake him up he threw the food that I bought with my money out the window literally when I told him he was being unreasonable and a jerk he told me I’ll show you what being a jerk is and broke my TV and then proceeded to throw that out the window as well and then yelled at me for a good hour and a half after that he’s constantly threatening to kick me out because we are renting the upstairs of his grandparents house and I’m afraid because I have nowhere to go I have a car but I don’t know how to drive it nor do I have a license obviously I can’t go back to my parents because my father is abusive and my mother is way too far away and doesn’t have the money to ship me over there I don’t have children and I don’t have a savings anymore because I just used all of it to buy a car that I can drive with him I don’t know what to do.

  • jakelina

    I need help i have no money no job, two kids that look up to me and I want out of this relationship. I’m with an alcoholic who neglects us …and i want to keep my kids in their school. What do I do?

  • Tracy b

    Hi Shelia..
    I will say about a job.. TRY.
    I felt that way.. like no one would hire me.. 4 months pregnant…
    I was hired pregnant at checkers /rallys and during my pregnancy I worked my way up and when I came back from my pregnancy I was given shift manager.. challenging,yes, but I did it .. I believe you can too. Maybe not perfect.. but I am now in a better job . . Things did get better 🙂

  • Shiela

    I just wanted to update! I had baby number 2 found a job and got my own apartment! I have a good lawyer and counselor and I’m feeling better than ever still not a lot of support from family but I am doing it! It is possible!!!! I am living proof! Thank you for responses! ?

      • Anon

        Another agreement to a one side perspective. “If you’re in an abusive relationship, your partner may have stripped away your identity, support system, self-confidence, and connections to the people you love”

        Yes exactly. So why then write ” start telling people that you want to get out of your relationship”.

        Mentally abused men are to stay put and hidden behind closed doors.

        • Dve

          So are women I speak from someone who says I “should be seen not heard”
          Women are more subjective to ALL forms of abuse than men
          My job is at home taking care of the children … no income I am told my income pays the bills
          Although I am not appreciated for what I do only what I didn’t do is recognized

          • Aly

            Sometimes there are ways to get out of a relationship when you think you have nowhere to go, but you have to ask for help. It’s hard.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Shiela,

    I wish I had an easy solution or suggestions for you. It sounds like you’ve been through alot with this man for the past six years and two kids. You feel hopeless, and like you have nowhere to go and nobody to rely on. It’s hard for me to give suggestions because I don’t know anything about you. That’s why I say I can’t give personal advice or counseling, because I really don’t know who you are, where you are, or how to help.

    But, if you’re willing to think about a few things, I have some questions. For instance, what has social services said about helping you leave? When you called the domestic violence helpline, what did they say? Is there legal aid in your area? What about his family – is there anyone who can help you? What about church – do you attend, and is there anyone there who seems friendly? Is your six year old in school, and does he or she have teachers or friends with parents who might be able to help?

    And maybe the most important question is whether or not you have told anyone that your partner has been abusing you for almost six years. Who have you told, and how have they offered to help you?

  • Shiela

    I have been in an abusive relationship with a man for almost 6 years. The first time I tried to leave I discovered I was pregnant. I stayed for almost a year but then finally had somewhere to go. He threatened to take away my child and since he had a very expensive lawyer he was actually winnng. At this point I went back. I couldn’t leave my baby with him when we were together let alone when we were separated. He has severe anger issues. Finally a year after being back and things getting worse I finally devised a plan. The day before I left I found out I was pregnant again. Now I am hopeless. I can work but no one will hire me now that I am pregnant. I have no support because everyone in my life is fed up with me dealing with him. I don’t know where to go but I desperately want out. Any suggestions?

      • James

        Makes me so upset this is all for women and as a man needing help having 5 children and 1 that I have custody of and one with a new woman that is a little over 1 yr old all these women only sating its the females that are the victim. I want to leave but she holds all the cards and everyone wants to say make money to leave but what am i to do when it’s getting to bad to handle and i live in such a small town my skills in the job market are not available to me locally beings that i can only travel so far and she makes it that i am unable to work or travel for work with no childcare or fily to help. What do i do? Women aren’t the only ones in the family world what about mehow can i get help?