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When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore

Here’s how to cope with the devastation and shock when your boyfriend or husband says he fell out of love with you. You may feel helpless and hopeless, but there are things you can do to regain your sense of joy and peace.

When He Says He Doesn’t Love You AnymoreYou might want to read How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Susan Page. It may help you learn how to reconnect in ways you haven’t thought of. You might be able to save your marriage or rebuild your relationship – as long as you remember that you can’t make anyone love you.

If it’s too late for you and your boyfriend to rekindle your relationship, read How to Let Go of a Relationship. He may have fallen out of love with you, but your life is not over! You are smart, healthy, strong, courageous, and valuable. Don’t let the fact that your boyfriend fell out of love with you change how you see yourself. How he feels about you doesn’t change who you are, and why God put you on this earth.

When one person in a relationship falls out of love, it may feel like you’ll never heal or move on. Reading these tips is the easy part – actually putting them into practice and moving forward after your boyfriend says he fell out of love is the hard part. But you can do it – you CAN start to move forward and heal.

When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore

These tips are partly inspired by a reader’s comment on When to Leave a Relationship. She is in love with her boyfriend, but he never made her feel loved. She was never even sure if she was his girlfriend. What should she do about this relationship? is what she asked. Here’s what I think all women should do when their partners say they fell out of love – or if their partners were never in love with them in the first place…

Focus on yourself – not on him

For others to love and respect you, you have to love and respect yourself. How do you love and respect yourself? You make practical, tangible changes in your life. Maybe this means getting a better job, going back to school, developing your hobbies, exercising more, working on your self-esteem, or spending more time with people you respect. Maybe it means getting up early to exercise or finding out about student loans.

Give yourself – and him – space to heal and breathe

One of the most important things to do when he doesn’t love you anymore is to take a step back – though your instinct is to move closer! Find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your marriage, relationship, kids, and relatives. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe.

Look at your relationship objectively

When you say, “he doesn’t love me anymore”, are you letting your feelings dictate your future, your thoughts, your life? I understand that – you’ve been invested in this relationship for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him? Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Does your partner willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose him again as your partner. That may help you look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay or leave.

Maybe you don’t even love him. Maybe you’re just in love with the idea of having a boyfriend, or being married. Read How to Know When You’re in Love.

Incorporate two new activities into your life

Plan a trip to Mexico. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Be a Big Sister. Take a sushi making class. Join a snowshoeing or hiking club. Take Zumba dance lessons! Find a new place to live. It doesn’t matter what the new activities are, really…what matters is that you find new, interesting things to do with your life. Then, when you start obsessing about your ex, you can practice replacing your obsessive thoughts with something new and interesting.

boyfriend fell out of love

“When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore” image by Hoeg via DeviantArt

When he says he doesn’t love you anymore, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”

Take a step back and let the air flow between you. Below, I describe what “spaces in your togetherness” means….sometimes you just have to let go. Here are a few tips on what to do when he doesn’t love you anymore…

I know it’s not easy to recover when a man says he fell out of love with you. It’s devastating, and your heart feels like it’ll never heal. You feel like you’ll never fall in love again.

But you WILL heal, and you WILL fall in love again. You just need to find the strength and courage to move on. For tips on moving on, read the 10 Best Tips on Starting Over After a Bad Relationship.

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What do you think – how will you respond when he says he doesn’t love you anymore? Can you be strong and move on?

86 thoughts on “When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore”

  1. Hi Laurie and Others,
    It is so nice to follow you. I have been married to my husband for 7 years and have been together for 13 years. I have known him for 30 years. We both were married before and found one another after 15 years. I have 2 children from a previous marriage. Unfortunately my husband has never had his own children and with that said, he didn’t communicate well and they now have a strained relationship. My children are now 17 and 21.
    My husband has been distant for about a year and after lots of prodding he has admitted he doesn’t know if he is still n love with me. I had a gut feeling about he and a friend of mine. For months I questioned him and at one time asked her if there was anything going on. Both have denied, denied, denied. I confirmed there was something going on via phone records. He is now blaming me for his unhappiness. He wants to move out to “think about things”. This is happening this weekend. The worst part of all of this is that my children’s Dad committed suicide only 5 months ago. I am concerned for my children. How can my husband do this to the kids? I am having such a hard time dealing with all of this. We are doing counseling but I question if he is doing this just to go through the motions. He tells me he was talking to my ex girlfriend because he needed someone to talk to. I don’t know if his word is true or not. How do I move forward and let go of wondering where he is and what he is doing and whether or not he wants to continue with me? All comments are appreciated.
    Thank you and God Bless

  2. I am in a very similar situation and I am curious, how did this turn out? How did you move on? It takes everything in me just to get up in the morning and I feel devistated, numb; & like I am in the verge of an ugly cry at all times

  3. We’ve been together 13 years we have 3 children in common but raising five children all together he decided a month ago that he wanted out and told me last week he loves me but he’s not in love with me anymore I still have the keys to his truck some personal paperwork and he stole calls and asks me if I want something to eat or need something from the store he does come and visit with the kids on Tuesdays and Wednesdays sometimes he’ll talk to me sometimes he doesn’t it’s just all very confusing to me we’ve tried counseling I was told he’s going through a mid-life crisis emotional abandonment and depression he’s telling me all he’s focusing on is himself in his children he’s not thinking about this relationship anymore and now he doesn’t want to deal with nothing please help me with your advice

  4. Hello,
    We had been together for almost five years. On May 2nd I had to have an emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. It was a horrible hit as this was our first child together.
    So we had decided to check out IVF and were getting ready to start the process but here’s the pickle. Through out the years Derek had kept changing his mind. It started about two years into the relationship. First it started with him not wanting to marry me, than not having kids together and he almost left me last year. He was in the process when his step father passed away. I knew he was leaving but I’m not a mean person so our family supported him through this tough time. Mind you I did this because I was being me not for the possibility that he would come back to me. For some reason he stayed.
    Everything was great until the loss of the baby. I noticed something changed in him afterwards. He kept changing his mind on what he wanted to do. I told him be with me now in the present and quit going back because there is no future if you go backwards.
    Seemed to help but today he was off so he told me he was going riding on his motorcycle. He was gone for almost four hours. I was worried he in all the time never had been gone that long without texting. I didn’t call him or text him deep down I think I know but when he came home he seemed high or drunk. Yes he has a drinking problem. I said where have you been? He said Ahhh Riding around. Later he told me he stop down the road from us and got something to eat but didn’t text me if I would like something. Completely unlike him. Long story short we ended up getting into a fight…his was so confrontational. He said I was accusing him and I need to watch what I say after he said he was done with us. I told him when your in a relationship your going to get asked where you’ve been unless the other person doesn’t care and that I didn’t do a thing wrong and there is no way in any world that this was enough cause for a break up.
    I’m his longest relationship at his age of 37.
    Look I’m a good woman, I don’t cheat, lie or steal and I’m always there for him.
    I didn’t deserve this in anyway.
    We all know the good girls get poo’d on but come on this is old.
    It doesn’t matter what he was doing or not doing because if he was the one for me and I him he wouldn’t have treated me this way plain and simple.
    It just sucks more than anything and I feel like the fool of a game I didn’t know I was playing.
    Ladies this is your life and your life alone. Don’t settle for an okay. Go for the I will always.
    Thank you and always at 40 will be looking for my forever.

  5. Hi silvia…my husband told me the same thing about a month ago. He realized that he was not in love anymore because I cheated on me and I diacovere it. He confesed that he really liked this bitch, but they are not talking anymore because she wanted to be exclusive for him. He has always told me that he wants to stay with me, that he loves me but he is not in love. I mean…can we really make a person love us again? Is it worth the pain? I notice everything thatche does not do for me like a morning kiss or good night kiss and it really hurts. I wake up every day crying…it is not fear!

  6. H Maria, I am in the same situation now that you were in when you wrote this post. My partner of 13 years proposed to me and our wedding should be in 4 months. He has told me out of nowhere that he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want a future with me. I have no money of my own, we live together (have for 7 years). I thought I was completely secure and l love him with all my heart, this is like being hit by a train. My entire support system has gone. I have also been very close to his family, so I feel like I’ve lost everything and everyone. I can’t see a way forward, to the extent that I’ve thought of suicide. Can you share any news in how you are doing now a couple of years on? And how you have managed?

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