How to Stop Dating a Married Man   Recently updated !


You know it’s wrong to be having an affair with another woman’s husband, but you can’t seem to let him go. These tips on how to stop dating a married man will help heal your broken heart. I also share encouragement from a woman who broke up with a married husband; it hurt her to walk away from him, but she’s happy and healthy now.

This married man feels like to meet the most beautiful, perfect man for you. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted, you belong together…but he is another woman’s husband. He belongs to someone else morally and legally – even though he makes you feel like you’re “the one” for him. And yet, you know that the affair is toxic.

It’s time to reclaim your life and emotions, and learn how to emotionally detach from this relationship. Here, you’ll learn how to stop dating a married man – and even more importantly, you’ll discover ways to let go of someone you love. I also encourage you to read through the comments section below. My readers are discussing how difficult, painful, and destructive it is to keep hanging on to an affair with a married man.





You need to heal, to set your heart free from the guilt, shame, grief, pain, and heartache. It’s a huge mistake – destructive emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially – to have an affair with another woman’s husband. You know this isn’t real love, and you know the married man won’t leave his wife for you.

Maybe you feel like he’s the only man for you because he told you that you’re the only woman he truly loves. Maybe you can’t get rid of your hope and dream that he’ll leave his marriage for you. Or maybe deep down you secretly enjoy the secrecy and lies, dishonesty and pain of having an affair with a married man.

But you’re here because you want to be free of the guilt, shame, and self-loathing that accompanies cheating with another woman’s husband. You want to let him go, and start healing your spirit, heart, soul, and body.

How to Break Up With a Married Man

Here’s what one of my readers said about breaking up with the guy she was having an affair with:

“I became involved with a married man after my divorce,” says Kay on Why Married Men Cheat – and How to Prevent It. “He told me how much he loved me, and thought we were meant to be together. He said he was going to leave his wife, but he never did. I can’t believe how much time and energy I wasted on this man. The lies, deception and constant disappointment of having an affair with a married man was awful. I admit I miss his company and the way he looked at me and the way he touched me. But I realize I need and deserve so much more! Looking back I realize how toxic it was to sit at home on holidays while he was with his family, and only see him when he was available. We never showed affection in public, and we could never spend time with friends as a couple.”

You are not alone

A few years ago, I wrote an article called How to Stop Cheating in a Relationship. I didn’t think anyone would read it because I thought it’d be easy to not cheat! I was wrong. Recently I’ve had some very honest conversations with my friends about dating married men, and I’ve realized that affairs are more common than I realize.

But no matter how common it is to fall in love with and date a married man, it is degrading, dishonest, and disappointing. The affair will never go anywhere, and it’s not true love. True love means you can introduce the man you love to your family and friends. True love isn’t suppressed by secrets and deception. True love does not involve lying and secret meetings, lonely nights and unhappy days.

You know what true love is, and you also know that if the married man really loved you…he’d be with you every night. He’d leave his wife for you instead of lying to you, lying to her, lying to his children, and lying to himself.



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Stop lying to yourself, your friends, your family

What lies are you telling yourself? How are you lying to your loved ones? Your guilt and shame will devour you. Yes, you love this married man. You must love him, otherwise you wouldn’t be sleeping with him because you know he’s another woman’s husband. You feel degraded and used. You know it’s a toxic and painful affair – not a real relationship – and yet you keep hanging on. You hate yourself for sleeping with another woman’s husband, and you also tell yourself that you can’t break up with this married man because you love him.

You question yourself: “What if he really is different?” “What if my married man’s excuses are actually valid?” “What if he really is on the road to end his marriage for me?”

But you know the truth: he won’t leave his wife for you. This married man likes having his wife at home and you as an extra perk on the side. He enjoys the feeling of both you and her loving him. He doesn’t respect you or his wife, and you no longer respect yourself. The longer you keep cheating with another woman’s husband, the worse and more degraded you will feel….and the harder it’ll be to break up with this married man and heal your broken heart.

Hold on to your future – for it is brighter than you imagine

After my reader Kay broke up with the married man she was having the affair with, she experienced deep grief and heartache. She was lonely, sad, and broken…and she was free. Now, she urges you to stop cheating with another woman’s husband.

“To anyone who is still involved with a married man, all I can say is end it NOW,” she says. “Yes the pain is terrible. You wonder how you can go on without him. But the sense of freedom and self-respect you’ll feel after the breakup is empowering. You’ll feel better about yourself and your life after ending the affair, and you’ll see the married man differently.”

Learn how to let go of someone you love

breaking up is hard to doIn How to Let of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart, I share valuable insights and comfort for women who want to emotionally detach from unhealthy relationships. It’s an ebook, so it’s immediately available. It’s not specifically about breaking up with a married man or getting over an affair with another woman’s husband, but it will help you move forward in your life.

Remember that you are letting go of a man who doesn’t belong to you. He is another woman’s husband; he stood in front of his family and friends and vowed to love her forever.

Don’t keep holding on to the affair; it is toxic and destructive. You know it’s time to go, or you wouldn’t be here! Remember that breaking up with a married man will be painful and sad, but it’s better for you in the long run. You’ll need to grieve the end of the affair, but you will be healthier and happier in the long run.

This married man is not free to love you the way you were created to be loved. You’re participating in a destructive affair that is darkening your soul and spirit. It’s not romantic, sexy, or charming to help a married man cheat on his wife. You know this. You’re here because you want to break off the affair.

Expect the breakup to hurt

Getting over an affair with a married man won’t happen overnight. You’ll grieve the breakup, and you may even regret letting him go. You’ll wish you were back together, and you’ll cry yourself to sleep at night. But, you WILL heal and move on! You will be proud of yourself that you had the courage and dignity to stop dating a married man, and you will start readying yourself for a healthy new relationship. You will stand tall and proud, and you will be happy again.

Breaking up will hurt, but you will find true freedom and authenticity – and you will create a better life for yourself! You’ve been hurt and used. You thought your affair with this man wouldn’t turn out this way. Your heart has been bruised, broken, and maybe even stomped on. It may get worse before it gets better…but it WILL get better.

It takes strength and courage to let go – but you can learn how to get over a married man. Don’t let yourself be drawn into the darkness and hopelessness of an affair.

Cut off all contact with him, for he is another woman’s husband

Don’t accept this married man’s phone calls, text messages, Facebook popups, emails, Facetime prompts, Tweets, blog comments, or notes at work. You’re just setting yourself up to fall back into the affair. Don’t let him lie and cheat his way back into your life. You can’t be friends with him. If you work with him, you need to get another job. This is one of the best tips on how to break up with a married man: cut off all contact and leave him alone.

Decide you will rebuild your life. Focus on healing your spirit and soul, for you are at a low point in your life. Open your heart to the love of God and the healing peace of Jesus. Accept His love and grace, His forgiveness and freedom.

It’s not easy to stop dating a married man, but it’s the only way you’ll find yourself again. You can and will move past this if you accept the grace, love, and forgiveness that only God can offer. After you start to come through the grief, you will be grateful to no longer be trapped in the hell of searching for articles on how to break up with a married man. You will be free to grow stronger and healthier, spiritually and emotionally.

Stay true to yourself, even when he keeps contacting you

You want to end this affair because you know it’s wrong to cheat with another woman’s husband. You know this affair isn’t going anywhere.

break up with married men

how to break up with a married man

You aren’t proud of dating a married man, and you know it’s destroying your spirit and soul. At some level, you even know how much you’re contributing to the pain he’s causing his wife and family.

Put yourself in your wife’s shoes; how would you feel if your husband was cheating on you? This may not be the most effective tip on how to stop dating a married man, but it may help you find compassion for his wife and strength to leave him.

If you want to be a truly joyful and peaceful, you must choose a life of integrity and respect. You must choose relationships that build you – and others – up. Choose life, light, goodness, and truth.

Remember that you’re not in love with the real man

Are you still struggling to break up with your married man? Remember that you’re not in love with the real him. You think you’re in love, but all you see are the bits and pieces he shows you. His wife knows a million times more about him than you do – no matter what he tells you about his marriage.

He’s married, which might add chemistry and excitement to your affair. But he’s not available and he doesn’t really love you. He’s a facade: you know enough about him to give you some insight into his personality and life, but you’re not involved with the real man.

You’re not picking up his dirty clothes, putting down the toilet seat, listening to him snore all night long, wondering where he goes at night and on weekends, or fighting about the credit card charges and mortgage payments. Remember that when you’re dating a married man, you see the ideal and perfect guy. You don’t see who he really is.

Start searching for what’s missing in your life

Why are you involved with him?

Don’t tell me it’s because there are no good guys out there, or you’ve dated everyone in your city. Don’t tell me there is nobody else, because I know it’s not true!

You’re dating a married man because of something that’s missing and broken inside of you. You feel empty, and you think it’s because you love him…but really it’s because you’re empty without God’s love, compassion, grace, and peace in your spirit.

What is it in you that refuses to let him go, to accept that he’s not free? If you can learn what you’re looking for, you’re one step closer to knowing how to break up with a married man.

If you don’t feel spiritually or emotionally healthy, this is the perfect time to start looking at your own personal growth. You are deeply and unconditionally loved by God, and you were created for a purpose. Your life can be so much more fulfilling and interesting! You can be truly and deeply happy, and you will find a healthy relationship when you learn how to take care of your emotional and spiritual health.

Decide that you deserve better than an affair

How to Stop Dating a Married Man

How to Break Up With a Married Man

Do you believe you’re worthwhile, valuable, and lovable? Do you love yourself? Sometimes learning how to break up with a married man involves a decision. You need to decide that you deserve more out of a relationship, and that a better man is waiting for you. God created you to be a partner for a man who wants to spend his life with you, and who treats you with love and respect.

No matter what he says about his marriage, his wife, and his kids – remember that you’re only getting his perspective. He is telling you whatever he wants to tell you; he wants to make it easy for the affair to continue. He wants you to keep dating him even though he’s married and even though he won’t leave his wife. He’s lying to you.

Breaking up with him will hurt. Learn how to heal after losing a man you love.

Read the comments below about breaking up with a married man

Below you’ll find several readers who are honest and strong enough to share what it’s like to date and break up with a man who is married. They are supporting and helping each other through their affairs.

I encourage you to read through their comments. See the pain that loving another woman’s husband causes. See the destruction that having an affair causes. Learn how deep the roots of heartache and betrayal go.

Use the insights and experience of these readers to fuel your decision to move on in your own life. Be prepared to face the reality that breaking up with a married man is difficult and painful – but the best thing you could do for yourself. Take a deep breath, and open your heart to God’s healing love, power, and strength.

xo



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1,400 thoughts on “How to Stop Dating a Married Man

  • Laurie Post author

    You found these tips on how to stop dating a married man – and I’m glad! I hope you’re finding hope, healing, and support.

    The conversation has been good and helpful, but I have to turn off the comments on this article simply because there are too many. I don’t want to end the conversation, but I do need to move you to another page because my little website can’t handle more than 1,400 comments on one article!

    So, like at a party, I’m asking you to move from the kitchen to the living room. We’ll all be more comfortable there 🙂 Go to this article to share your thoughts about your relationship with a married man:

    5 Blossom Tips to Help You Stop Wanting Him Back
    https://howloveblossoms.com/how-to-stop-wanting-him-exboyfriend-ex-husband-back/

    Also – sign up for my weekly “She Blossoms” newsletter! We’re a group of women growing forward together, into fresh seasons and new lives. You’ll find encouragement, inspiration, and practical tips for moving fon.
    Join us here:
    http://eepurl.com/ca2mJr

    May you find hope and healing as you move forward. May you find joy, peace and wisdom…and may your heart be renewed and refreshed.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • VirtuousWoman

    Thank you for this page. Honestly I didn’t know this would show up when I typed “how to forget a married man” My story is cery similiar to all of you. He was my supervisor at my previous job. It started kidaweird but he made the first move on me and started flirting with me. I was and am with another man but not married or anything. I have no kids with anyone but he does, 2 , with his wife…. I asked once how they met and everything and in my point of view, weird yet romantic. He is 13 years older than me and well everything started with a picture. But throughout time, everything got serious and we decided to move in together like 3 times and yes the wife found out about me. Well the last time he did leave but suppoowent back because he didn’t want to leave his kids which is understandable yet I can’t understand 100% since I’m not a mom. But he would say he loved me and didn’t feel anything towards her, that he was there because of his lids nothing else. But my question is, why are he still married tl her is he doesn’t love her? Can’t he just share parenthood but I don’t know. He would do things that hurted me. The last thing he did which made me leave him was that we were texting and sent a picture of some papers he was signing or whatever and on his desk there was a picture of his kids and wife. So why say he ain’t trying when his actions say otherwise. He made up the excuse that his kids gave it to him. Um ok there wasn’t a piture of just them two? I really don’t want to hate him but for everything he would use his kids. And it looks like it’s easier for him to throw me away. That isn’t love…. I deserve better and y’all do too. God has bigger plans, better plans and He has a man for us that He is happy with to take care of us.

    • Roni

      VirtuousWoman,
      I think most of us here know exactly how you feel and have experienced the entire “I don’t love my wife but I’m staying for the Kids” bs. I was/am with my MM for 19 1/2 years (yes you heard right) and he would constantly tell me that he wasn’t in love with her, that she didn’t like to have sex and that she was a prude. When I met him he had actually filed for a legal separation so I believed that he’d eventually get a divorce and we would be together. Then a year and a half into our relationship he told me he couldn’t file for divorce because he was moving back in with her because of the kids. All of this happening all the while he’s telling me he doesn’t love her, and that he’s staying for his kids, which at the time were 4yrs and 1 1/2yrs. All the while I believed that he was there only for the kids, but what I’ve discovered in those two decades of being his girlfriend is that they will never get a divorce. They will always come up with an excuse not to leave the wife “they don’t love”. And you know why that is? Because they’re a bunch of COWARDS and liars, they are afraid to leave the security of their marriage and why should they when they have the best of both worlds? They have their wive and then they have us, so really why would they leave? One day while my MM was over at my house, he left his phone on my kitchen counter, and a text came through from his wife, and it read “I want to thank you babe for breakfast, it was nice just you and me”. When he came back from the bathroom I asked him why the hell his wife was calling him “babe” if (as he put it) they were always fighting? He turned white, because he couldn’t talk his way out of it. I also asked him if he called his wife babe (because that’s what he called me) and he was speechless, I told him I NEVER wanted him to call me that again. This was right after I saw a picture of his wife wearing the very same sports jersey that he had bought me for Christmas one year, and the same scarf, and the same beanie. I was furious and I told him that I never wanted any gifts from him again, that I was unique and smarter than his wife and I didn’t deserve for him to kill two birds with one stone and buy us the very same gifts! We are not stupid women, we are all smart and we are strong, but we have to find a way to break free from these manipulative men. So to explain why they don’t leave these wives that they say they don’t love, it is because they don’t want to, because they have the best of both worlds, and because they are selfish, narcissistic self-absorbed men who have been able to get away with this because we allow them to. They are lying to their wives about being faithful, so they can lie to us about not loving the women they are married to. And I know you don’t want to hear this, my it is easier for them to throw us away because they have an entire different life they can fall back on when “we” don’t work out. God knows our struggles, He knows our sorrow and pain and He will eventually give us the strength to get out of the emotional grip that these men have over us. I am only one bead in a long line of jewels that make up this very precious necklace of women who have struggled right along with you. We have all found strength from each other and when one of us manages to break that vicious cycle, it is a victory for all of us. Stay strong, have faith and remember that you are not alone.

      • VirtuousWoman

        Thank you Roni. Same thing happened to me about the text. What is funny is that he throws crap at me for things he does. I am thinkin g of giving my partner/husband idk how you call it another chance. He has been patient with me these 2 years and he doesn’t know anything. It’s hard to let go because when I think about everything he has done that hurted me, I send him stuff to get him mad and start a fight but like you said, it’s getting easier and easier. By the stories of all of you, I have discovered a lot of things so thank you for everything. I have opened my eyes

        • Roni

          Hi VirtuousWoman,
          All I have to say is that you are not, by any means alone. I believe we’ve all been at different points with our MM that we have actually seen their true colors. They are good at throwing things in our face that they really shouldn’t, but they do because it’s hypocritical and that’s the only defense mechanism they have. As for you and your partner/husband, think long and hard before you decide anything. You may be thinking that reviving that relationship is a good idea because you are going through some very emotional with your MM. I’m not saying not to, that is totally up to you, but before making any important decisions, sit back and think, no matter how long it takes you to decide, and rationalize everything.

      • Young Sally

        Thank you, Roni. I just posted myself….my MM situation is a bit different – kids older – and a wife who he claims harangues him….she’s certainly thrown him out of the house enough….and a situation where he doesn’t make enough money to support the lifestyle she (and perhaps he) want…especially the one where she doesn’t work (which she hasn’t for 22 years) even though they can’t keep up with the bills….particularly the mortgage.

        A few months ago my biggest worry was that my MM would finally get his act together, have enough money to keep his wife happy – and then wouldn’t need the person he’s been leaning on for the past two and a half years. Now, I see it as a horrible relationship where neither one is going to take the first step to either – work towards patching things up – or really getting out. I don’t think he is getting the best of both worlds – Babe is the last thing I think she would call him based on the texts he’s shared. At the same time there is security even in a bad marriage. He can continue to try to make enough money to satisfy everyone and she doesn’t have to work or change her must have list….despite the money insecurity….because he is too afraid of losing (or hurting) the kids.

        • Roni

          Hi YoungSally,
          I know exactly where you’re coming from. I would ask my MM (years ago) if he actually could see us together, and he would say yes. Then after my 9 month rehab stint went belly up, and we began to see each other again I decided to ask him again. This time he said he didn’t know, that he wasn’t sure. So I asked him what changed in the 9 months we were apart, I mean I’m not stupid I know many things can change but this was his answer. He said he was afraid that he would lose everything he worked so hard to build, that if he got a divorce he’d lose half of everything (he’s a contractor and has his own business, and makes more than a decent living). I had advised him years ago to go and talk to his attorney to create a LLP or LLC for his companies. This way he was protected if he decided to divorce, but he never did. So he told me that he wasn’t sure what was going to happen with us. On top of it all, I knew that he and his wife had separate bank accounts, and he pays for everything despite the fact that she works, and makes about $67k a year in addition to what he brings in with all of his companies. But she never and I do mean NEVER pays for anything, he does and now he’s afraid that he’ll lose half? I told him that was his fault, that creating a financially dormant spouse was all his doing. It is and I made no qualms about telling him the truth. He pays for her car, their mortgage, both their kids college tuition and everything else. So in short he telling me that he was afraid to lose half of everything only meant that he doesn’t love me the way he says he did. And I am financially independent and don’t need his money. All I ever wanted was to be in a relationship with the man I was in love with. So we need so see them for all of their faults because that way we can finally take of the rose colored glasses and kick them to the curb along with all of their emotional, financial and marital baggage.

    • Notanga

      They all say their home lives are horrible, but the question is why do they remain there. The reality is they want both, they are selfish. They like things about us that they don’t have at home, some may love is but the point is the vast vast majority of them are not going to leave.

  • Cecilia Blackwell

    I realized after passing his house for the first time where he lay his head to rest with his wife that i just cant do this anymore i just cant. I deserve so much better. And besides she getting the luxury living while all im getting is good sex followed by lonely nights. And the daily compliants of how miserable his life is at home and work. Im so over this.

  • Findingmyway

    Have any of you tried counseling to help you move on? My previous marriage counseling was a big joke. However, this situation is different. My marriage counseling happened way too late to be of any help. But if I reach my timeline, and things still havent changed, I have to end it. Im at my end and I need to take care of myself and move on. I know its likely going to be the hardest thing Ive done and in preparation Ive started resrarching local counselors. I think I will need the ongoing support to do it. What about any of you? I think this is so hard for all of us because if it ends it has to be completely on us. We have to leave someone who says they love us more than anything and who (in some situations) claim they will leave. But time goes on for many of us and nothing changes. No actions to match the words. Someone posted about trust. It makes me think of his wife and the fact this has gone on for so long. He could do this unbelievably disrespectful horrible thing to her for all these years because he doesnt have the emotional ability to address the issues he has with her. Do I want to get stuck with that? Seriously am I nuts? My previous marriage was terrible and I went through all that difficulty to extricate myself from that and then I get tied up with THIS guy? I shake my head at myself pretty much daily.

    • Notanga

      I wanted to send a longer reply to your comment. I agree with you about ending the relationship too but I realize that I don’t have the strength to end it emotionally. Ironically, I did a few months ago mention to my mm that I was considering therapy and he as you can guess wasn’t supportive. I definitely think if you are with a mm and want to learn why you are with them and why you got involved in touch first place and why you cannot leave you should get professional help
      Also, some women make a choice to stay with the m.m and even they should get help because there are going to be times when you are miserable
      Good topic

    • Roni

      Hi Findingmyway,
      I begun counseling four years ago, and I am lucky enough to have a great person that listens to me, doesn’t judge and helps me through the roughest times with him (which seem to be all the time). My counselor is actually a practicing psychiatrist, and I know that sounds bad but I found her through my job’s Employee Assistance Program. I go once every month and she will see me if I really need to talk to her and it has helped. The most important thing she’s ever said is this, that leaving is going to be hard and that it won’t happen until I’m ready for it to happen and that emotional strength has always been there but selfish men will use our love against us and until we see them for who they really are, we will continue to allow them to string us along. I completely agree with her because it is the truth. As for the comment you made about when it ends its completely on us. And why shouldn’t it be? We have allowed these selfish men to use what we feel for them against us. They have manipulated our feeling for their own purpose, and the know what they are doing in order for them to keep us on the side while they are free to have their cake and eat it too? You know what my MM use to tell me? He would say “you think it’s easy for me to just walk away from you and go back to living the way I did before I met you? And the answer is YES, yes the prick can because he has a backup plan for when it doesn’t work out with me! Even in stupid comments like that they make it about themselves and to hell with us. Also, they will NEVER leave, if I’m not proof of that then I shouldn’t say anything. But it’s true, we feel trapped for the very same reason they can use our love for them against us. Because these “affairs” are toxic and they are extremely dysfunctional and will never be a good healthy relationship, EVER! You are not nuts, what is going on is that your brain is finally telling your heart to shut the hell up and listen to reason and common sense. Counseling works, it may take a while and sometimes you may feel hopeless because I know I did, but I felt that I what I was feeling wasn’t crazy, it was because I am finally waking up to the cold slap of reality. Okay so it took me the better part of 20 years, but I have finally begun to see him for who he is, and I never thought I’d ever hate the man that I once considered the love of my life, but believe it or not, I am getting there. I have blocked him from my phone and I delete any voicemail messages he leaves. It is a struggle because I will wake up like today and think of him and I wanted to wish him a Happy Father’s Day. Then my brain tells me to snap out of it and remember all the hurt and lies he’s told me and then I come to my senses.

  • Lynn

    I just want to say that it’s amazing how so many of us are struggling with the same situation and feel so alone in our personal lives because we can’t really tell the people we know. It’s clearly a thing that happens all the time to people everywhere, but society shames us to keep silent. I hope that one day people can be more accepting that this does happen and try to help and be more supportive to all parties affected, rather than shunning it for being “wrong” and “immoral.” People feel the way they feel and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but it’s how we react to these feelings that we have to be careful of. Keep strong, everyone!

    • Anonymous

      That’s true and really no one i can talk to of what I’m going thru as people will judge and blame on me.
      Mm broke up with me earlier this year after 6yrs together. We still msg often and he told me he still is around to chat with me but wants me to be happy and move on with my life. Though my heart broke and i felt used but i know this is best for me. I find myself still emotionally attached to him and thinking maybe i should cut off all contact.

      • Notanga

        It’s none of my business, but I would cut off all forms of communication with him
        He broke up with you. By the way, why did he after 6 years, did his wife find out???

    • Deleuze was here

      Thank you so much Lynn for saying this. I feel this way too. This is the only place where I can come and share how I feel. I am not even hundred percent sure that it was an absolute wrong doing to get involved with mm. But the way society tortures me makes it all worse.
      May be this is going to be next “coming out of the closet” thing 😂 😛

  • Anonymous

    Okay, so I am never one to ever, EVER leave an actual comment. But y’all…I’m riding the struggle bus driven by me. I am 28 years old single with no kids. I have never had an issue with men (.i.e. dating, relationships, etc.). I got out of a emotionally and verbally abusive relationship almost a year ago and swore off dating and men out of pure frustration.

    Fast forward to about three months ago. I’ve known this MM since I was at least 18-19 years old. We grew up in church together (ironic I know. church girl dates married man..) and sing together to this day. He was never on my radar…I mean I found him attractive, but I would never do anything. This all happened so quickly. Well, he started talking about his marital woes (grew up with his wife too. smh. messy messy messy) and I would talk about my disastrous dates to be funny, but one night the conversation just flipped. He said that he enjoys talking to me, complimented my personality, etc. Since then, we have been almost inseparable. Last week I met him and he wanted to fool around and I couldn’t do it. I wanted to so bad, but my conscious kicked in and I felt like I should leave. It didn’t stop him. He still continues to pursue me. I’ve had numerous convos saying that I am going to let him focus on his family and marriage (he’s in his mid 30s with two kids). He will agree and still call me, text me or tell me to come outside at work. And it’s like I’m a drug addict. I can’t say no. And he will say things like, “Tell me you want me to stop.” He knows I’m weak with him. It’s like a cycle that won’t quit. I think about him all the time. Can barely eat or sleep, y’all.

    I’m also starting to date a new guy and I don’t wanna mess that up either, because I genuinely like spending time with him too. We haven’t had sex, not even kissed because every time I get scared. I know the answer is to stop responding to him. I see him multiple times a week just with our events that we do together and I am not trying to make it awkward. It’s so lonely too, like I can’t just tell everyone. Only my bff knows but it’s still lonely.

    I don’t like feeling like I am waiting to hear from him or getting crumbs of his remaining time. I want someone who really wants to be with me for real. I never thought I would be this woman. He always says that I deserve better and that I always do the right thing. I know I need to stop. So, how did you do it? How did you actually communicate to the MM that it had to stop and how did you stick to it? Cause I did all that and lasted 24 hours. *facepalm*

    • Notanga

      I know I’m not one to talk because I’m in love with my m.m and can’t extricate myself from him, but here is my advice. End it now before it turns sexual and overly emotional. The longer you are with them the harder it is to get out. Once sex and love become apart of it, it’s heartwrenching. Seriously. and they are not going to break up with you. They love it. The problem is 99 percent of the time they aren’t leaving their marriage no matter how much they claim they are miserable.

      • Anonymous

        Sadly, I succumbed to my own desires last night with him. At the time, I didn’t feel guilty like I did in the past. But when we finished, I kind of felt unemotional. But now he is more interested in talking to me more, but for some reason I’m off put. It was really good. No complaints, but for some reason I’ve almost become uninterested, but not enough to leave him alone. I feel like this isn’t gonna make much sense. I do not have the guilt that I thought I would at all. I’m also still in the mental place where I keep saying to myself, “I can’t believe I did that.” But I kinda wanna do it again, but I am equally not as interested as well. Idk, y’all. Like, he’s called me three times today and I only answered once to say I was busy at the office. I’m just so confused and lost if you can’t tell. And I am supposed to be going on a date with the other guy I like tonight and my brain is just all over the place. It gets messy. I never thought this would be me.

      • Anonymous

        Also, a few minutes ago he sent me this, “ We’ll talk another day. I’m blocking you for the weekend. I’ll reach out if I’m free. Just don’t reach out via messenger or text. She [wife] been tripping lately.” That hurt me for some reason. Like are you blocking me because you don’t trust me enough to not reach out? I know the consequences are high for both of us so I would never do that. But just seeing that I’m being blocked made me feel like sh*t. I may not even say anything else to him and just let it be done because the emotional highs and lows are just too much. I want a man who will want to be with me, not put me on a shelf and bring me out when he’s lonely or horny. It’s just taxing on my emotional well-being. Like I’m walking around mad but can’t tell anyone because of the type of situation it is. Such a lonely lie.

        • Notanga

          I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with that. I think that’s the worse part of the m.m situation, they are not going to jeopardize their situation and often it’s at the risk of your happiness
          I’ve had similar experiences and it’s horrible. Frankly. The only solution is to not to care about them so when they do it it doesn’t hurt. But, if you love them it’s going to hurt a lot
          Try to wean yourself off
          It’s not going to change

        • Lynn

          Ask yourself this: Do I want a liar and a coward as a friend? Same thing applies to a partner in life, no? This is Father’s Day weekend. Most of the cheating married men we’ve all been involved with are hiding and pretending right now to keep up appearances.

          • Roni

            Lynn,
            You took the words right out of my mouth! I am no longer communicating with my MM (yet again) and even I get tired of the cycle of breakups and reconciliations. But every time I do it it gets easier and I stay away longer. Why would we want to be associated with a bunch of lying hypocrites? Because that is exactly who they are, and it will never change. Thank you for those words, it should only give us more strength to stay away!

    • Melissa

      You need to leave him alone before you end up like the rest of us stuck for years. RUN girl.

  • jeni

    I spent countless hours reading EVERYONES stories because they are my story too. My one question…Have any of you been successful in your leaving and being happy and sticking to your goal?

    • Notanga

      I have tried, I’ve planned it out and just can’t. He broke up with me in Feb and while I was sad secretly I was relieved. He called me 2 days later begging me to come back to him.

    • Ankita

      I am trying to not to contact him from last two months and it’s killing me inside…worst part is I have seen him chilling out with his wife through fb post I came to know. But don’t know why I don’t feel bad even then and I am waiting for him badly to call me.

      • Roni

        Ankita
        I know exactly how you feel. But take it from someone that has learned a very harsh lesson about what their “real” life is like. And what they want us to believe. I use to do the same thing, I would look at his kids social media because all the times we’d break up, I wanted to “see” him. He never let me take any pictures of him because he was married. So the only way I could see him was to go through this kids twitter, Instagram and FB pages. I would die inside when I’d see pictures of him with his wife and grow kids. It was the picture of a happily married couple. This last time I broke up with him it lasted 9 months. And I told myself that I no longer was going to be an emotional cutter. I was no longer going to hurt myself by going through his kids social media just because I missed his stupid ass. And even through my rehab was cut short. I haven’t once looked at any of his kids or wives social media. NOT ONCE!
        And it’s self preservation, because I’m learning to love myself more, and in that process I’m getting stronger. And in part some of that strength comes from this group that shares their stories. Stories of struggle, shame, love, self-doubt and indecision. But ultimately we will all find our own strength in our own time. Some of us are closer than others but when we find support without judgement, each day will get better. So you see Ankita, we are all at different stages in this struggle. What you feel is very valid and real. Do some serious inner searching, stop the self emotional cutting and realize your own worth. And most important of all, take it one day at a time. Much love!
        -Roni

    • Roni

      Hi Jeni,
      I’m going to be brutally honest. Every time we broke up, it wa me that chose to walk away. Because he’s to selfish to do it, and each and every time I felt that I was on the home stretch and would actually feel I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, he would break “radio silence”. And in turn I would fall for it, and we’d get back together yet again. If he’d actually leave me alone, I know I would be able to stay away from him. And I know I’m to blame as well for allowing it to happen. But that’s what MM do, their selfishness is stronger than what they perceive is love. I’m again trying to get away from him. He’s constantly texting me, so two days ago I finally blocked him. I have nine voicemail messages from him telling me he loves me, he can’t live without me, blah, blah, blah. I am tired and I’m too old to waste anymore time on him. Do what you need to to get away from him. You are more important than he’s making you out to be.

  • Notanga

    I would like to raise a question to the group, if you could be with your m.m in a full time relationship, would you trust him???? I have thought about this a lot, and I’ll be honest i would not trust him

    • Lynn

      I would not be able to trust the m.m. I was involved with, but honestly, the whole attachment has more to do with ourselves than with the m.m. I read somewhere online: “Generally when one becomes obsessed with someone who is unavailable it has to do with their own commitment issues. Because the object of desire is unattainable, one gets to have all the feelings of love without the fear or responsibility of a relationship.” This seems pretty true for me, so I may not be able to be in a real relationship with the m.m. even if he was finally single and took care of his personal issues. I gotta work through my own issues and then letting go of him will be easier. Root of the problem sort of thing.

      • Joanne

        Wow. Makes sooo much sense. I’ve been married twice. One just a jerk. Other turned out to be a pervert. I don’t trust men. Nor do I trust my judgment. Being in an affair gives me the attention I want plus some intimacy and fun but I didn’t have to be concerned if it was going anywhere. If he was single, we wouldn’t be a great match. This is such an eye opener. Thanks for posting this.

      • Notanga

        Me either, and it makes me wonder is it that I’m getting an ego boost being the one . But , the reality is she is the main person, he centers our time on her.

    • CW

      I too thought about that and at first I thought I would bit after nearly 3 years I would not be able to trust him. He messaged me a few days ago and I caved and responded today. He replied immediately telling me he still loves me and always will and he was at his happiest when he was with me but hello.. He is in counceling trying to fix his marriage and nothing else has changed. I could kick myself for replying but I will not met him it is just too dangerous I even have stopped going to the gym so that I won’t bump into him. Why do they have such a hold over us??

      • Notanga

        You’ve raised a great question which is why do they have such a hold over us and I think it’s because they fill an emotional void in us even though we know we should not be with them they satisfy a need emotionally and we fear that once we end it that we will suffer from the absence. However, we suffer now too because it’s not a complete love.

      • Roni

        Hi CW,
        You answered your own question, it is control NOT love. Love doesn’t do this, control, narcissism and greed (on their part) does this. You shouldn’t stop going to places you might see him, that is showing him that he still has this “control” over you. I use to do the very same thing, and as I got older I realized that this is exactly what he wants. He want’s to bump into me, drive past me and see me at the store or car wash. For 9 months I was feeling better and better about myself and began to realize that I was going to be able to do this, finally. Then my weakness overcame my emotional stability and I too responded to his constant texts. I should have blocked him, hell I almost changed my number. But my oldest son told me that why should I, that I shouldn’t allow him to have such control over my life, and that I should just learn to be strong and ignore him. I threatened him with sending any text message he sent me to his wife, and for 9 months it worked. Then I began to get texts telling me how much he loved me and missed me and that I was the “love of his life”. As I’ve gotten older I have begun to react with more reason, more callousness and have been hardening my heart little by little, even though I still love him, just not as much as I did when I first met him. Obviously I am not the love of his life, he married that woman. But he says he was “tricked” into marrying her (she proposed to him and he stupidly said yes) and I told him he was an adult and that he knew what he was doing when he said yes. But just to reaffirm that their hold on us is all emotional, and it is manipulation, not love. CW you need to remember that and find the inner strength that we all have and walk away. Yes its going to hurt, yes it’s going to feel like hell and yes you will want him back, but he is someone else’s husband. There is no changing that, unless he comes back and has a divorce decree in his hand, your better off without him. And even then, you may see the “real” him if you had a chance to spend all your time with him and you may not like who he is on a daily basis. His counseling is nothing but a ruse, he deceiving you by going to “counseling” and he’s deceiving his wife by pretending to try to fix their marriage. Don’t beat yourself up over responding to him, it’s part of living and learning and it’s happened to all of us, after 9 months of rehab I responded to him and I am once again trying to leave him. We’re human, we make mistakes but what is important is that we learn from them.

        • CW

          Hi Roni
          Thank you for your message. I agree it can’t be love. He he loves me the way he says he does he would be with me. He has started messaging daily again and I tried to only respond with neutral answers but he tells me I have changed and am boring. He then told me how depressed he was as things are not changing (surprise surprise) I told him he can’t change his wife that is who she is and he must stop comparing me to her. I too am trying to move on with this guy I met he is a really nice guy but nothing like my mm it is so hard and I should heed my own advise and not compare but I honestly feel that my mm is the man for me. We have in the past spent alot of time together even gone away together. It is so frustrating but I know deep diwn he won’t leave his wife as people have said in this post because they are cowards and he knows I am always there for him. He came to visit last night and I don’t need to elaborate what happened so I am right back at square one again…. This is a vicious cycle and again he is probably feeling guilty so will not message me today and when I do get a message he will say again we can’t keep doing this and we must stop messaging and I fall for it each darn time. So ladies if you can stop and you have stop communication don’t go back I know it is easier said than done. You need to block him in all social media and his phone number so he can’t phone and SMS you. As much as it was wonderful to see him I feel dreadful this morning and I want off this Rollercoaster it is no fun at all.

    • Deleuze was here

      It is a very difficult question. I never had this question before I decided to leave and started to google stuff relating to this topic. I was in a 12 year long relationship with my m.m. Then I just took off. Thanks to this amazing group of ladies I am able to manage the pain of being apart. For the whole length of the relationship I never asked him to leave his family, I never asked to promise anything, I never asked about his wife and why he is not happy with her. Because I didn’t want to know I didn’t get the answers and promises that potentially would be a lie. If in some parallel universe he left his family to be with me I would probably have a discussion where cheating won’t be considered a relationship breaker and that he is free to leave if meets someone else he wants to be with.

    • Roni

      Hi Notanga,
      I had always heard that if he cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you, and I don’t know if that is true in all cases. I’d ask him this very question, because after all we’ve been together longer than some married couples we know. The thing is, and this is my opinion, it depends on the man. It’s not an easy question to answer, it will never be easy to answer this question. Unless you both have very good communication and are for the most part honest (not counting the affair) you will be able to talk about anything. But with that said, let me ask you a question, would you want to be with this MM 100% of the time? I don’t know how long you’ve been together, but take it from someone who has been in the trenches for almost 20 years, I use to think I did and that I could make him happier than his wife could. But then about 13 years into our relationship I began to notice subtle personality traits about him that would annoy me.
      That is when I began to realize, and really think to myself, do I really want to be with this man 24/7? And the answer is no, as recently as a couple of weeks ago we began an argument over politics (politics, we were arguing over POLITICS!) and he has this annoying habit of talking over me and interrupting me all the time! This is why I have begun (yet again) to distance myself from him because I’ve outgrown him over the course of our affair. Since we’ve been together I have graduated with my Bachelors and my Masters and have gotten what I consider my dream job. And he had NOTHING to do with it! And I thought to myself, there is no way I am able to handle this man on a daily basis and actually be happy. So you see Notanga, it goes way deeper than just trust, it has to do with the dynamic of your relationship and how you get along, communicate and can you handle him on a full time basis. But ultimately the bottom line is, he’s married to someone else and is keeping you on the side because MM having affairs are greedy, selfish, self-absorbed and self-centered and only think of themselves. Trust my dear, is only the tip of the iceberg, so think long and hard about this, do you and can YOU handle him on a full time basis? And will YOU be happy if he gave you that chance?

      • Notanga

        Wow you have made awesome points. And, as i think about it. I really don’t think I want to be with him all the time because I don’t know him. I know the him I see in short intervals. But what about the 24 hour him. Great point I think I’ve been so fixated on having him all to myself all the time that I never really thought about that I only know parts of him. But, we talk a lot on the phone and we have a lot in common socially and politically. But that’s not the same. Plus I’ve come to like my freedom to come and go. It’s like my mom says be careful what you ask for you might just get it. I agree about the trust factor. You don’t know what led to the disintegration of the marriage so it’s difficult yo say what would occur but we know that they would cheat if things get tough.

    • TwiceALoser

      I was married too. Abusive. Left 7 months ago. Began seeing MM over a year ago. I’ve never really expected MM to leave. But in my separation process, I’ve just come to see how dumb I am. In both relationships. Husband was emotionally abusive, addicted, and passive aggressive. Yeah MM he’s sweet, le, coffee bearing and good in bed, daily sweet texts, says I’m attractive and lovable; things I’ve never experienced. I was married at 19 and stayed for 26 years. To feel free and easy that way, with MM, sigh. To have that small connection in my new mid divorce, all alone life, candy. But no, I wouldn’t trust him. And worse than that, I’d just never be able to get past that he’s already answered, a thousand times! Running home if wife is catching on, not meeting because he can’t get away, knowing it’s only his perspective I get, but hearing in ALL WAYS, he’s not available won’t risk an hour if she’s home or has chores for him. He’s weak. He’s resentful and too afraid to confront or make her suspicious. Disrespectful and dishonerable to her (though he speaks highly of her ie her one flaw is she wont touch his penis) when he is with me; but rigid no matter what about not deviating from his home life for me. Unable to ask for what he needs of her. Or is lying to me. Of course I wouldn’t trust him. But, the saddest part is he’s already answered a hundred times over that he wouldn’t choose me. I’ve known how inevitable it is for months. And I keep begging for more. He’s weak unavailable, cue me! Last time MM & I were together I silently cried much of the time. He sometimes swiped my tears, fed me pizza, said sweet words, and made love while I cried. Then ejaculated on my face. After he quickly hurried home to his wife. No getting past that. Not only no trust, but I would not accept him anyway. Still seeing him though! Ladies thats relationship with MM. The first thing you know about each other is you are dishonest passive cheats ♡

  • Notanga

    Hi ladies, I felt a break up was imminent. I was totally wrong. I’ve got a date with a single man soon but still can’t find my way to end it with the m.m. There’s a part of me that would love for him to deal with me having a 3rd party and he could see how it feels. I know that’s immature thinking.

  • Notanga

    Hello Ladies, I’ve decided it’s going to end. Today he and his wife went to a pastor and his wife, she forced it but he’s still going. They went to these people in Feb and he broke up with me then 2 days later we got back together. But the point is she is his priority not me. We had a big fight last week because he won’t acknowledge the relationship despite the fact that he says how much he loves me. I suspect it’s going to be another break up but this time I really hope so because it takes me off the hook from having to break up with him. I could kick myself for getting involved with him. It will never ever happen again. I feel like an idiot that I fell in love with a married man

    • Roni

      Hi Notanga,
      I think we all feel like idiots for falling for a married man. But lets be honest, we don’t go out and make that one of our life goals. It’s not something we want for ourselves or expect, but it happens. I know all too well what your going through, its not only painful and heartbreaking to know that they are “trying” with their wives. Because they either tell us outright or imply they are not happily married, and we think that we’re the ones that are going to make them happy. Do not blame yourself, like I’ve said before it takes two to fall in love and no matter how much they tell us they love us, they love themselves more. Don’t despair, you can and will go on without him in your life and you will be so much better off without him.

      • Notanga

        Update: he said the counseling makes it better for me and him. He essentially lied to the counselors and his wife because he has seen me romantically 5 times since the counseling session which was her idea not his. I still cannot muster the strength to end it. I really love him and nobody has done the financial and emotional things that he has done ever.

        • Lynn

          Hi, Notanga,
          I completely understand all the rationalizing, but only one thing you have to think about and really answer: are you happy with the situation and do the pros outweigh the cons?

  • Roni

    Hi Ladies, I’ve been reading all about your stories, and one, I’m not here to judge. I’m actually here to say that yes, it is hard to get away from a married man who constantly says he loves you but won’t leave his “real” life to be with you. How so I know this? (taking deep breath) I’ve been with my MM for over two decades, yes you heard that right, 19 freaking years! And I’m still trying to figure out how the hell to walk away from him. This last time I was almost there, I had read somewhere that it takes 17 months for you to get over someone. So I broke up with him, I walked away and told myself I deserved better than everything he’d given me. So although it hurt like hell, I did it. Then 9 months into my “rehab” I started getting text messages from him. Yes, I should have blocked him but after what I told him when I broke up with him I didn’t think I needed to. I had told him if I got another text or call from him I was going to take a screen shot of it and sent it to his wife. Pretty ballsy because I had never threatened him that way, so for 9 months he listened. Then I kept getting texts and I wouldn’t answer him. But one day (in a moment of weakness) I answered him and boom, here I am all over again. There is no doubt that the love I felt for him was once real. But now I believe it’s only that I’m use to having him in my life. I met him when I was 29 and he was 35, so now I find myself at 48 years old trying to figure out how the hell to leave yet again. I met him when I was married, and I had three boys with my ex-husband and I got a divorce because I too was in a very toxic and abusive marriage. So now my boys are men and living on their own and I’m still waiting for this @******* to make up his mind (still) about me! I know what I want, and it is no longer him, I deserve a man that can acknowledge my existence in his life, a man that can take me out in public, a man who isn’t a fucking coward and will make up his mind!! Either stay or go, either way it’s a decision! I wish he’d just make it. I have waited over 19 years for him because he would tell me once his kids were grown and in college we’d be together. Well guess what? Both his kids are grown and one has already graduated from college and the other is in her sophomore year and I’m still alone! It’s conversations like the ones I found here that give women like me courage. The courage that we all get from each other’s experiences and that even if we carry the stigma of being the “other woman” it’s not just our fault. A marriage is a equal partnership, and when that partnership breaks its both the two people involved that are at fault. As the “other woman” I have been privy to conversation from other women who’s husbands are cheating on them calling the mistress all kinds of names. And I sit there thinking, just because you have that ring on your finger that doesn’t mean you stop trying. Anyway I’m so glad that I found this site and the conversations of all of you. You are all so inspiring and all I have to say is keep staying strong, and if the strength is fading some days, remember that you deserve better and you should find it! Even if it’s not with “him”, you deserve so much more than he is willing to offer. I hope to finally get away from this man who has haunted my life for over 19 years and I even if I don’t meet someone else. I’ll know that I did the right thing for myself and no one else did that for me. Stay strong ladies!!!

    • Lynn

      Wow, two decades. I am definitely not judging. Life is so many shades of grey. You’re going to take as long as you need and do it in your own way. I know people have a lot of advice about these types of things, but everyone’s experience differs, and we need to accept it. Don’t feel guilty or regret; learn from it all.

    • Notanga

      Wow 19 years. I needed to read your message. I believe my breakup is imminent and while it’s going to crush me, I will eventually survive and get over it. At this point, can you even let him go. I’m struggling after a year.

      • Roni

        Notanga,
        Just let me say that you are definitely stronger than you give yourself credit for. But don’t be fooled, it will be hard, it will tempt you in every way possible. It might even come close to breaking you, your spirit and of course naturally your heart. But with that said, you will recover, it will get better with each passing day you just need to keep remembering that you are worthy of everything he is NOT giving you because he is attached to someone else. That is why I think of it as “Relationship Rehab” because we actually go through all the emotions, we go through times of certainty, we go through emotional turbulence and the worst part, we go through relationship withdrawal. Which is the absolute worst feeling there is, you feel this anxiety that in a split second you just want to hear from him and you need to know he still loves you. But it’s an illusion, nothing will ever come from it. That’s why I consider it rehab, and the more I try the more I realize how much stronger I am getting. I told him a while back that the day I no longer cry for him is the day he needs to fear because that means that I’ve become indifferent to him, how he feels and his situation. I’m almost there, and I will try again because I know I, just like you deserve better. We deserve to be “THE” woman, not the “other” woman. So hold on, take a deep breath and forge ahead into your version of rehab and don’t look back. It may take more than a couple times for you to start to feel better. But that’s okay, the fact that your trying is the most important thing you can do for yourself.

    • Nomad

      Hi Roni,
      In the 9 months of rehab, did you gradually feel that this was it, he’s never going to return?

      One month ago, I whatsapp my exMM it’s over, I don’t want him anymore, break up clean. Over the past 1yr, we went through shameless times of no contact. Eventually he also decided to let go because of his guilt and fear and perhaps he realised we were a fantasy after all.

      I’m still grieving about being forsaken and losing him. I want him to return and also to remove him from my life. The latter is the right thing to do

      • Roni

        Hi Nomad,
        To answer your question, yes I did think that was it. I thought that I had finally reached that pinnacle that was going to get me out of the emotional whirlpool I had been in for 19 years. And then, just like that all my hard work, all the emotional self-reassurance, my confidence and self-respect went out the window. And for what? For him to compartmentalize me exactly where I had been for the 19 years of my relationship. I’m tired of being on the back burner, and I’m no longer compliant with what he feels, thinks or wants. I’ve started to go out with friends, I have begun to get fit (I recently lost 26 lbs!) and I am gaining my self esteem back. So Nomad, you can do this, it’s an emotional ploy they use (love) because they know they can. You need to really think about it and then rationalize why you are better than where he has you.

    • Findingmyway

      Roni- you are waiting for him to make up his mind. I think he did many years ago. And it was to keep you AND his marriage. So he strings you along to keep you. It dioesnt feel like a decision because its not how you think. But there is your answer. Im on a similar boat. Your post is opening my eyes. His decision is no decision. Take back your life. You deserve so much more. I do too. Im struggling.

      • Notanga

        You are absolutely right. I thought my break up was imminent because they went to a counselor all he did was placate her in counseling and he still wants to be with me. So, that’s how these m.m who are in these relationships decide. They decide to be with both. And one person the wife doesn’t realize that they aren’t letting the other go. I have tried to end it and I can’t because thinking about it being over is very hard

        • Shea

          May I ask do you guys still continue to have sex with your mm or are you just friends? I have come to an agreement with my mm that I will continue to be friends with him just because i feel our friendship and bond is like no other, but I will no longer to continue anything sexual with him and so far he’s respected my wishes. He sometimes drops coffee at my door step for me in the morning by my door without seeing each other, we meet for lunch sometimes and just have a great lunch together with no kissing, no nothing. So far he’s been respectful in that aspect which reassures me it’s not just about sex with me.

      • Roni

        Findingmyway,
        It will always be a struggle to get away from someone who will NEVER decide because it’s in his best interest. MM that have both their “legitimate” life and a mistress are cowards in my eyes. Yes I am the other woman, but for as long as I have been someone’s mistress only in my 40’s did I realize that I deserve much more than he was willing to give me. Your struggle will be hard, and we need to do what they won’t, we need to think of ourselves in order to break the cycle of this toxic relationship. Because that’s what it is, its toxic because healthy love doesn’t do this, deception does. And the worst thing about all of this is that they know that we love them so much, that we’d do anything (and have) to make them happy. And for what?!? For them to keep us on the side or on the shelf until they need us? Your struggle will be well worth the fight, and you will eventually find out that we need to love ourselves before anything or anyone else. Stay strong, rehab is never easy but we can all do this!

        • Findingmyway

          Roni you are so right. These men are cowards and deep down only care for themselves. Why would one do this, knowingly deceiving someone for so long, if they had an ounce of courage and integrity they’d at least be honest with her. I think if he was honest with me he knows I’d be gone. He still swears he will leave. Its over 5 years now. Lots of personal life set backs for us both but still ultimately no excuse really justifies this continuing.I did read a book that empowered me to set my own deadline. I did and I told him what it was. He said he will meet it. I am seriously doubting that. I feel SO much better though because I know its ending one way or the other. Ive also started branching out and away from him in all sorts of ways. It feels so good Im almost tempted to scrap the deadline and just walk away sooner rsther than later. I think the freedom Im feeling is telling me something. I just am so shocked there are so many of us on the same boat. All with a slightly different version of the same story.

    • Maria

      Wow..I am so deeply touched by what you wrote. It brought me to tears. I believe seeing yours and others stories and comments are God’s way of giving me strength for what I know must be done. I have been seeing this man for almost three years. We began as friends for about a year. I was at the end of my marriage at that time. What drew us together was our siimilar struggles in marriage. He has remained married to someone who he has had no intimidate relationship with for many years for the sake of his children. Because there is no intimacy between him and his wife (they only speak to one another when it involves the kids and sleep in separate rooms), I didn’t see this a real “affair.” at the time.. How dumb and naive I was! I didn’t plan on falling in love. And I can honestly say I have been unhappy ever simce. I consider myself fairly intelligent person, and I can’t believe I let this go on for so long. I am equally shocked at how difficult it has been for me to let him go. I have tried so many times. I am constantly plagued by feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, and insecurity. These turbulent emotions have caused me to react to situations and behave in ways that are so out of character for me. In the midst of the craziness I somehow managed to fall deeper in love with this man over time and have thus become more and more unhappy. I’m trying very hard to see my unhappiness now as a good thing because it has made me realize how important it is now for me to find a way to end this. I constantly pray for strength and guidance. I truly believe coming across this article and reading everyone’s stories were a Godsend. It helps to know your not alone in this. Thank you for sharing.

  • Mercy

    He was my boyfriend about 9 years ago. I left my home country to study abroad. He supported me all the way suddenly we lost contact. We went our separate ways. Got back to my home country 4 years ago. He contacted me severally, wanted to marry me,but I wasn’t ready. I blocked him on all social media networks and changed my phone number. He kept on calling my parents that he loves me but I warned him not to. He got a girl pregnant 2 years ago and in the 8th month of her pregnancy, he married her. He keeps uploading my pictures on his social media account. Just 2 month ago, I contacted him to please bring down my pictures from his facebook. He was glad I contacted him. He begged to see me, wanted to catch up on old times. He claims not to love his wife that he married her because she got pregnant. He wants to marry me. Says I make him happy. The truth is I love him,no-one has made me feel the way he made me feel in the past 2months. But this will cause pain to his wife and son. Honestly,i didn’t plan for things to turn out this way. I now regret contacting him. I don’t know how to go about it. I really don’t want to be the reason for another woman’s tears and I want this love to fade away.

  • Notanga

    Hi everyone, I’m trying to make a decision to break up with my m.m. his wife found out about us 9 months ago, he promised her it would stop but it never did, she has rightfully so been having meltdowns about the affair. He still wants to be with me and I him, but deep down inside I know it’s wrong but I can’t leave him. I’m trying to toughen up feel the pain and end it. I love him too.

  • Moonlight

    I had an affair with a m.m for 4 years. The 4th year was all about ending, trying to end, running back, trying to end etc. etc. I was broken, emotinally a wreck and I knew I do myself wrong on all levels. I was lonely, hungry for a man to hold me and love me. Hoping he would leave his wife and unite with me. I have wrestled with myself to see what is really going on. He cannot love me, because if he did he would not want me to suffer that much. He cannot be anything to me because he is married. I felt lost and used. He controlled everything . It took me over a year to dry my tears, heal my heart and soul and find my strength. To stay strong in my decision, realising that I deserve so much more then crumbs of his time on his terms, and being kept a secret, the dirty secret in his life. I deserve to shine in the light instead of being kept in darkness and behind locked doors. I deserve so much more!! And all of us women do!!! We just have to realise how beautiful, strong, worthwile and deserving we are!! I send to all of us Peace, Love and Light. Start loving yourself and stop letting the wrong men use and abuse your heart, sould and spirit.

    • Notanga

      Wow I wish I could be strong like you. 4 years wow. This has been a year for me. What was the motivating incident

    • Shea

      Thank you moonlight! I’m fighting for the strength to stay strong in my decision of stopping the contact. The hard part is a work with him so I have to deal with him regardless and it’s so hard to just keep things on a professional level, but I’m sticking to it so far. It’s been about a week and a half and I’m a complete emotional rollercoaster. It hurts me more than anything that I feel used and taken advantage of as I should have never fell for his lies of loving me and i did. I completely fell in love with him and let him get so close to me when I shouldn’t have. I let him into my heart and I shouldn’t have. I have been crying everyday on and off while trying to be happy and keep a smile. I hope over time the feelings will just fade away as I feel sad, angry, fooled.

  • Amanda

    I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for two years now. He lives two hours from his work so he lives with me during the week and commutes home for weekend since my house is closer to his work. I live in the country middle of nowhere moved here to get away from a bad breakup and I felt like MM saved me. He changed my life in so many ways and was teaching me how to become a better woman. My children look at him like there father he’s so great to them. However he’s living a whole second life with me and his wife has no idea for over two years. He’s convinced me that I won’t find someone like him. He’s absolutely beautiful physically emotionally all of the above. He’s met my family we have traveled to my home state together but it’s getting so tiring living my life as a lie. However I’m so scared of a life without him. My lease is up in July and I’m thinking of moving back to my home state and moving on my life from him. His wife has recently opened up and is willing to try new things and its seemed to ignite something new in there relationship. Which means my relationship with him is completely different because he doesn’t need me for what he needed me for before. I know maybe I should be happy about there new found spark in there relationship but it’s painful for me I’m just tired of always competing with her to be better and to please him more. I also feel it’s impossible for me to break it off until I move elsewhere because I live in the middle of nowhere and the only reason why I’ve stayed so long is because I met him. I have no one here but him and my children. I’m jealous of there new found excitement in there relationship and I find myself acting different towards him and his response is I’m supposed to just be fun for him. He didn’t sign up for more drama in his life but how am I supposed to just shut off my emotions. I’m tired of hurting and making excuses to my family and children about where he goes all the time. I have no one to talk to because everyone thinks I’m in this amazing relationship with a great guy. I think it’s time for me to take charge of my own life and stop allowing him to have control over me as if I’m his toy to do all the things his wife doesn’t. I know I can do this. Just a lot easier said then done. Sorry for long rant. I truly have no one else to discuss this with. My heart hurts. Am I a bad person for allowing this to go on as long as it has?

  • Notanga

    I’ve been involved with a m.m for almost a year and while there have been exhilarating times, the frustration of not being with him when I want to is difficult. Supposedly it’s all going to end when he’s finished building a house which I doubt. At any rate, I never intended to get involved with him like this, we were going to be just friends and it esvulayef. I love him very much and it’s difficult. I’m trying to end it.

  • Ary

    Hi.. im in a relationship with married man.. we were friends for 3 years.. we’re on a relationship for 1year and never knew that his married since He migrated to different country. I just knew that he’s married when i accidentally added his brother on facebook and saw his pictures with his wife.. they just got married same year when we started our relationship. I have confronted him and he told me that he’s waiting for the month of december to tell everything because he will go back to our country. He told me that he’s scared to tell me because i might break up with him and He told me that he will divorce his wife once he was able to earn and save for the divorce fee.. he told me that i am his life and im his everything.. i am so much inlove with him.. but i dont know what to do? Will i wait until december or should i break up with him?

    • Anne

      URGENT HELP NEEDED PLEASE!!
      Please somebody help me I am just about to cave in yet again and unblock this married guy from my phone, please some words of encouragement really needed right now.

      Thank you

      Anne

      • Joanne

        I’m fighting the urge too. Long weekend. Knowing he has time.. I’m missing him. I won’t though. Trying to keep boys. Remind yourself why this isn’t going to help. You will just have to pull the bandaid off again and start the healing over.

        • Shea

          Joanne,
          I’m fighting the urge as well. Thank you for the reminder that we will just end up in the same predicament. I’m hurting inside, upset, but even through this discomfort of healing know that this too shall pass.

      • Lynn

        Long weekend…not so great when you’re fighting the urge, but it’s totally doable. Do something that will make you happy: cleaning the house; dinner with a friend; going on a hike; having a great workout; going for a long walk; pamper yourself at the spa; day trip to park, etc. It’ll remind you how you are and can be happy without him. I allowed myself to pick at his social media once today and that was all I am doing this long weekend. Continue to be brave and REMEMBER HOW AWFUL IT FEELS ONCE YOU DO CAVE. The reaching out, thinking you can handle if he doesn’t respond. You keep checking your phone or email, hoping he’ll say something. If he never does all weekend or the following week, you will feel SOOO REJECTED. If he does respond, you’ll start the cycle all over again and will soon enough be at this point trying to get over him.

      • Shea

        Anne,
        I feel your pain. I am also fighting the urge of teaching out. This is the first day of no contact for the 100th time. I hate this vicious cycle of pain and hurting, I am just fighting to be strong and as bad as it hurts, I know the situation will never change so all we can do is push forward through the discomfort and pain through this healing process. I know this too shall pass. I’m determined to stay strong and I urge you to do the same as we deserve so much more. We don’t deserve to go through this pain and suffering that we endure by sticking to the bad cycles. Hugs sent to you dear.

      • Subconsciousness

        Dear Anne,

        Please don’t cave in.
        I was in a relationship with mm for 12 years, he never promised anything, I never asked him too. I left. No regular contact, onc email per month allowed. I will always love him, deep in my heart.
        The first month is the hardest. Then it slowly goes away. I don’t feel bad about being with him for so long. I don’t feel bad that he was a cheater. I didn’t create a list about all the things I hate about him. I just don’t think that I love him the same way I used to.
        Women are much stronger than men. We can survive a break up.
        I am sending all my love to you.

      • Subconsciousness

        Dear Anne,

        Women are much stronger at surviving break ups, no matter which ones, the singe or the mm. You are one of those beautiful and powerful women who can put their foot down when the right time comes. You are not at war with yourself, you love yourself! That is why you ran away from this man in the first place. The freedom you are feeling is much much more satisfying!!
        I am sending you all my love.

      • CW

        Anne and Joanne keep strong he is not worth it. He is at home with his family whilst you are miserable. Go out with friends treat yourself to a new item of clothing don’t give him the satisfaction that you caved. He has his bread buttered on both sides. Show him you are happy without him and let him stew.

        • Anne

          Hi all, thank you so very much for all your words of encouragement I am literally only getting to read them all now, I just wish I had of last night a unfortunately I did Cave in in the end, I knew I would, but in a strange kinda way I’m glad that I did now as I got an answer off him today that I wanted all along.. we spent the entire evening texting to and fro, and of course I wanted to call him on the phone and no his excuse was that his little Daughter was up teething and he couldn’t talk, he never can… I put him on the spot today and he said that his main priority is his Daughter and when I told him it was a cop out and that he is staying to be with his Wife too, he said he is not prepared to walk away for someone ie me that hes only met twice.. so I thanked him for his honesty and said that after three years that’s the answer I really just needed to hear so now I am in bits and trying the healing process again for the millionth time but this time I will swing by here a lot more often as you guys have all helped me hugely in the past too. Thank you and much love to you all xxx PS he got a couple of pictures of me last night and he sent some too, just normal ones but when he asked me if I wanted a pick the red flag waved at me… such a jerk..

  • Joanne

    I caved. Contacted him. Spent the evening with him last night. Nice dinner. Quick messing around after. Left me feeling totally reattached to him yet resenting him. We have an ongoing ‘joke’ about me and my not contacting him messages then message a few weeks later. I know this is wrong. I know we wouldn’t work even if he was single. Why can’t I just be done with this man.

    • dlc

      It happens to the best of us! It has happened to me way too many times to count. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

    • Lynn

      Joanne, I know how you feel. I’ve had the same “joke” with the married man I was involved with. He stopped really believing me when I tried to end things or wasn’t surprised when I popped back up again after a period of no contact. I got sick of his smugness about it all. I just ended it again yesterday, and this time, I mean to keep it that way. I don’t trust him, even if he was single (he flirts with so many women, even ones who are young enough to be his daughter). I also started using an app called Mend for helping people heal after a breakup, and I feel it’s really helping. I know you don’t understand why you’re so attracted to his man and you’ve spent hours thinking about it, but this time, just accept that you do care and love this person even though he doesn’t deserve it. Now, after you’ve accepted it, learn to leave him behind, with those feelings and all. You don’t need to understand everything to know when it’s bad for you and makes you feel crummy. You’re flawed like everyone, but you DESERVE BETTER.

      • Joanne

        Thanks. Yea. I am slowly coming to the conclusion that the ‘whys’ of it all doesn’t matter. It’s wrong. Things won’t change and if he ever did end up with me I wouldn’t trust him. I spoke with a counselor today. Helped a little. I deserve a normal relationship. Not something I have to hide or waiti around for the wife to be gone!

      • CW

        Hi Lynn, I know exactly what you are going through.. This on again off again game is soul destroying. I to caved after one month of no Contact then the messaging started again and then he came to see me after not seeing him for two months. It was fine for a week or so and then the same story he can’t do this and has to give his marriage his all one final time. So it’s been a week and I have not heard from him and I won’t contact him. It’s done, finished, the door is finally closed. How are you doing? Be strong you deserve so much more.

        • Lynn

          Hi, ladies. Thanks for the support CW! I am actually doing pretty well. Second full day since ending it for good and I am much much more hopeful that this it the final time. I am so appreciative to see that so many people in an affair are going through the same back and forth issue I am. The married guy I was with made no decisions about the whole thing and it was always up to me to say yes or no, and he made me feel like I was manic for being up about it one day and down about it a week later. Nope, this seems pretty common, and I am now even more determined to stick to my guns. Keep up the progress everyone!

          • Joanne

            My third day no contact. Driving me a little nuts. Have had a lot of free time today and itched to message him. Nope. Nope. Nope.

    • Alegna

      I completely understand how you feel. I’m in the same situation as you are. It’s been a year & a half & even though I find it toxic, it is really hard for me to leave. So many eligible single guys have been texting me but I keep getting back with my M. M. He has promised me he would marry me as soon as two years of our relationship is completed but I don’t believe him at all, he has said that he is trying everything he can to marry me but he is building a home for himself & his family at the moment. In spite of the fact that I know about all this, I keep going back to him & I hate myself for it. I even quit my job for him because I had to travel constantly and he didn’t like that. He is possessive & always jealous when I’m with friends & tries to control me. I do really want to let him go but I’m still trapped & can’t find a way out. Gosh I hate myself

  • Rebecca

    Ladies
    You all are feeling very angry, confused, guilty, manipulated, lonely, weak, and rejected. I could go on. LOVE true LOVE does not give you those feelings, yes you will say i don’t always feel that way but you shouldn’t feel like that at all. Yes Sometimes in relationship you can get angry with your partner but most of the time people are happy. LOVE to true LOVE lifts you up, makes you want to jump for joy. Is this relationship true love you should ask yourself or just to fill your married man time. You and he should want to tell the world. Not be hidden Iike some dark dirty secret. YOU deserve better , with what this affair has put you through the majority of the you would tell any one thinking about it NOT to do it. So you all have to be strong and take your own advice. Be strong and live the life you should with love peace and harmony.
    I wish you all well.

  • Rebeccahided

    Ladies
    You all are feeling very angry, confused, guilty, manipulated, lonely, weak, and rejected. I could go on. LOVE true LOVE does not give you those feelings, yes you will say i don’t always feel that way but you shouldn’t feel like that at all. LOVE true LOVE lifts you up, makes you want to jump for joy. You and he should want to tell the world. Not be hide

  • Alka Gupta

    Hi
    I m a divorced mother with 15 yr old daughter .I met a man in online matrimonial site.He told he divorced is on final stage.We met often n had intimacy .After 3 months down the line I found one day he is not only married person and enjoying fully completed married life.He persuaded me that he loves me more than anyone and I continued relationships with me.It almost 2 yrs.,and I started realized that every
    moment he tell lies.He hid everything to me.He is not at all true to me.He forces me to help him financially.After helping him ,he insults me,he abuses me.But like a foolish person ,I kept ignoring him.I love him unconditionally ,but I know he now didn’t.I feel completely shattered,used n cheated.Wanted to come out of this relationship but unable to.pls help

  • ReNae

    I was the other woman while a married woman with a married man. Not sure how it happened or why I let it happen but it did. This man was my husband’s best friend which made it even worse. I would see him on weekends when they were at the house alone or as a married couple. It was finally ended on both parts and the pain was awful. So many times I wanted to send a quick text but stopped myself. Now it’s been almost a year and I haven’t seen or spoken to him. I never told my husband and he never told his wife. Once in awhile a song or an even will happen that triggers my memory. I wonder if that trigger will ever go away?

  • Rebecca

    Hi I am not the other woman. Or had an affair. I am married for 25 years, I am very happy my husband tells me he is very happy too. No i don’t think my husband is having an affair. But I could be wrong who knows . Yes I like millions of other women or men think that but, like every thing in life you have to have faith.
    My take on women or men but to me mostly women who have affairs with married men is because of REJECTION. Yes Let me explain
    Ok you go out with a single guy. The first few months are amazing your together all the time everything going great until one day he says Hey I really love you but I also want to be with my friends and family, your not breaking up just giving each other more space so you don’t get to spend as much time with him or her, because he is busy with his other interest. You will accept that maybe not very happy but accept it. Now you might want to come up with a way to be together more by maybe moving in together or something else and he may not be ready for that. Yes he says I would like to live with you or whatever you are suggesting one day but at the moment he is not ready for the next step in the relationship but you say what hell is he waiting for. It may not be because he doesn’t want to maybe he just needs more time. You are both enjoying the relationship as it is. Really you don’t want to rush into things, if it is still only new. But you will feel rejected. Why doesn’t he want to live with me or do the other request. You still feel rejected.

    On the other hand the married man is so so different. You see you go out with him. Maybe you know he is married maybe you don’t. Anyway you start a relationship with your married man and in the beginning it’s great he tells you everything that a single guy won’t. So now after some time you ask him about his marriage and how you can be together. He says yes baby i love you but at the moment I can’t leave, i have to think about the children the wife the whatever. I want to be with you, I want to live with you. I don’t want to go home to my wife. I don’t want to spend the week, weekend, nights with her I want to be with you. But because of the circumstances we will have to wait. But I love you, you know if I wasn’t married I would be at your door making a life with you at my side
    There it is, he wants to be with you. He wants you. But right now its not possible. You never feel rejected because he really doesn’t want to do those things but both of you have to wait. He keeps saying to you, you are the one i want, love, to be with not my wife, girlfriend. So in your mind he is not rejecting you. And you will hold on until that day comes and he is with you.

    See no rejection, not saying no not saying I won’t, but i cannot. Its not my fault.

    But for the majority of these relationships it won’t work.
    Thats what i think for what is worth. But all people having affairs no body wins. Only pain.

    • Shea

      Hi Rebecca,
      I can see how the whole rejection part can play a factor. Honestly, I must admit I am the other woman or I should say I was. It is down right a vicious cycle that I try to break from on and on again. I would have never thought I would be the other woman or even ever consider it, but here I am battling the struggle of avoiding him, blocking communication, trying to constantly fight the internal battle of what is reality and falling for the trap that he truly loves me, I’m his soulmate, the love of his life and whatever words he chooses to tell me to lure me in and keep the communication going. I have to admit. I would never wish the torment I’ve been through in this situation on my own worst enemy. It is a battle I ask God, why me? Why do I find myself in this situation battling such a situation? Such internal struggle? At worst, I just want to forget everything, the entire situation, but it’s hard when I work with him and I even have to have an ounce of communication with him or from him. I have found myself in such a hard struggle, I wish it would all just go away and stop eating me up internally.

      • Rebecca

        Hi Shea
        I am truly sorry for what you and other woman are going through. I imagine it is just as painful for the spouse. Thank God i think my husband has not had an affair I would be devastated.
        Really my husband and I are best friends. Now I know people are going to say thats what every spouse thinks. But i will tell you how i think that’s true. My father cheated on my mother, my father had told me the same story no sex with my mother etc. Now that may be true I will never know. So I made an effort with my husband to be intimate often. Now as well as husband and wife we are best friends. We always joke around with each other just like you and your friends would. An example a couple of years ago after being intimate I asked my husband if he loved me. He said with a straight face, well I just f@@ked you didn’t I. And I laughed so hard. See we should always have to joke with our partners. We are always giving each other stick.
        Everyone needs to be loved and to love back. I do realize it is very easy to get carried away with our emotions. The feeling and emotions a married man or any man can stir within us can be indescribable. He is telling you everything you need to hear. Your beautiful, sexy, desirable, everything i want in a woman. Everything my wife/husband is not. Yes that is true because we all take our partners for granted. There was a time when their wife/husband was everything to them. There was a time when they were telling their spouses everything that they said to you. And because they were free they ended up marrying them. Now lets be realistic unless they were forced to marry them, everything he felt for you he felt for her at the beginning of their relationship that is why they married. But now years on life is soooo boring. Wake up, work, home, fam

          • Shea

            Thank you Rebecca. This has been hard on me as I feel that I am in love with him, but not only that when allow the contact, we get along so well and talk just like we are best friends. He is more than just someone I love, I just have that connection with him and a friendship that I don’t want to lose, but ultimately know there’s no other option than to cut the connection. He’s married for heavens sake. It’s just hard since I do work and deal with him at work so it’s not like I can cut off the contact completely. It’s a real struggle. He makes all these promises and tells me things that I want to hear so that stick around and keep the connection with him, but I just don’t understand why he just can’t have that connection with his wife instead of insisting the connection with me? He says he loves me, has never felt or had a connection like we have, but yet he’s not with me so I just struggle! As of this morning, I decided to cut the communication again and not respond to him although it kills me inside. I have four days off of work and trying to use these days off to cut the contact.

        • Rebecca

          Hi Shea
          I can imagine you love him and he loves you. I believe you when you say you both have a connection . You say he loves you, your best friends and tells everything you want to hear, but he is still with his wife .
          Love is meant to lift you up, make you happy fill you with joy, if his love is not doing that it is not love at all, because when you truly love someone you would never want them to be unhappy or hurt them you would rather cut your heart out than hurt them. Are you always happy?
          He still has a connection with his wife its just a bit fractured, sometimes
          we convince ourselves one thing so we can justify the other. As i have said partners take each other for granted.
          You are new and exciting even if you have been together for awhile living with someone is a real eye opener you ard still fresh because you both are still showing your shiny sides he may even be in love with you, but do you want to miss out on the best years of you life for someone who will not be yours.
          Before my husband and I were married we went to a house warming party. I meet this guy there and i honestly felt a connection to him. We talked all night. On the Monday after he called me at work and asked me to go out with him. I really wanted to because i felt such a connection to him. I told my boyfriend about him and said i wanted to go. My boyfriend angrily to me to go out with him if i wanted to. I didn’t go out with him, yes i still wonder what would have happened if i went out with him. Would i have a better life. But i knew then that i couldn’t through away 4 years with my boyfriend, that i knew and trusted and go out with him for 1 month, 6 months or more and then he break up with me. Or i realize i made the worst mistakes of my life, with my life the way it is now it would have been the worst mistakes..
          i love my life and i would have miss out on the best thing my husband. I never wanted to hurt my boyfriend, because i truly loved him my heart would be broken beyond repair to know i caused pain to someone i loved.
          Because you cannot leave you will never know what kind of life and love you could have. You are preventing yourself from having a fullfilling life.

          • Shea

            Thank you, Rebecca. Today, I have yet again gathered enough courage to walk away once and for all. I just want to heal completely from this situation. I can longer accept and believe the lies. I have accepted he may have feelings for me, but it’s just not enough. I know I deserve better and deserve to be loved fully in every way. Today, I chose the path of not responding to his multiple messages and will continue to no longer respond. I need to remove myself from the pain I have endured.

      • Rebecca

        Shea
        I could only imagine what you and other woman are going through. I can and do know what you and other woman feel when you are getting to know your MM, because i felt that way about my husband when i was getting to know him. Your MM tells you everything that you need to and want to hear. Your beautiful, tick, your sexy, tick, your desirable, tick, wonderful etc. You also have made your married man feel the same way . I’m sure most MM do have a great deal of affection for you. Is it love I don’t think so. I am sure he may feel he loves you but he really just loves the way you make him feel.

        If he has been married a while he can feel disconnected to his partner and we can all begin to take each other for granted. Now there are some partners who are not very nice and therefore their partners may stray. But sometimes the partners may not be nice because of the partners straying.
        My sister in law is an example she was married to her husband for many years they are divorced now. He had had several affairs. Now while they were together my husband and I went to their house for dinner or family get togethers and we have seen her treat her husband badly belittling him and being unpleasant. Now was she unpleasant because of his affairs or because she was an unpleasant person. Who knows

        You should also should remember that your MM had felt the same way about his wife when he was courting her that he says he feels about you now or when you were together . He had loved her thought she was beautiful, sexy, desirable, and because he was single and at that time, and he felt he needed to have her in his life he asked her to marry him. Now unless there’s extenuating circumstances, or he had been pressured into marrying her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Yes we can change our minds and thats fine but they way these men behave it is not fair to have an affair.

        I am happy you are out of the affair, working with him would make it harder for you both. But just remember if he lies and is deceiving to his wife he can and probably is lying and deceiving you. Sometimes what he says and what is really happening in his marriage can be two different things I hope you can continue to be happy and heal. When the time is right you will find the man of your dreams.
        .
        I certainly did.

      • Anne

        what I have is totally ridiculous we have only ever met the twice and even at that was at occasions ie wedding and birthday occasion etc.. its been almost three years and I still find myself on the same emotional rollercoaster with him no matter how hard I try.. Its only an online thing with text messages with the occasional phone call but only when hes had a drink or is bored Id say.. Hes married with a baby about two years of age and I am single, separated about two and half years with grown up teens.. am I that desperate that I cling to what he says to me which is all rubbish really and I know this in my own head and mind.. for such an intelligent woman I can be quite dumb and perhaps desperate to want for him to contact me at all.. he is a slimebag end of.. theres a set pattern here, he text me I ignore he chases I ignore more I block him then unblock him then answer then hes delighted then I cop onto reality and the very next day say get lost basically in the best way I can and trying to be having my morals and remain respectful.. then it starts all over again the longest bout for me to abstain at all was just recently from February till now so about three months.. now hes back texting cause I actually got in touch to say hi very stupidly.. someone please help me see the light here as it is slowly really driving me insane.. its horrible and I cant stand it any longer so why am I hanging on? PS interestingly enough he never gave out about his Wife and always said that he wasn’t expecting to feel the way he did about me blah blah blah, you get the jist, but now for first time ever hes saying they not getting on for last month for me to keep it to myself and that their relationship is very toxic at the moment.. so me being the dumbass that I am sent him a request on Facebook and he rejected me but still continues to leave messages open to keep in contact, and also his Wife has liked his recent picture in the last 24 hours so I said it to him that things musnt be that bad after all he said how could she not like that photo.. what an absolute asshole.. Please someone help me stop this downward spiral I’m in my 40’s and hes about 5 years younger shes even younger again, please help. PPS I just cannot stop looking at my phone its annoying me so much. I even sent a long winded message this am to him stating how I will no longer take part in this scenario even if it is only texting. I feel so guilty and ashamed.

  • Anon

    I’m so stuck. I’ve been with my mm for years. I left my marriage that was toxic and whilst he helped me get the courage to leave him, I thought we’d be together. I’ve been moved out with my two gorgeous babies for a year now and I’m lonely and I feel so cold and down more than I am happy.
    I think I’m ready to move on but my dilemma is I work with him too. So once I call it quits, which we’ve tried on and off for whatever reasons, I beg it back and use whatever I can to make sure I have him and his love. It’s oathetic. I am pathetic. I feel like I can’t do anything without him. He’s a constant in my life we talk several times a day everyday at work or not. Before work. During. Meet up after work. Talk on way home. Chat online late in evening. I’m obsessed. Attached. Addicted and so is he.
    But I want more. And he can’t make the move…not yet anyways. I don’t know if he’s right for me anyway. The person I want he isn’t likely to be. But no one has loved me the way he does, the way he looks at me. He’s obsessed. I feel so comfortable but more than that he’s been here for me through everything possible. He’s my go to person for everything and anything. How do I break this? I do I stop? How do I carry on with my own strength without relying on him? How do we work together? How do I tell him without him getting annoyed at me for quitting and giving up before he’s ready?
    I want someone in my life that I can love. That I can show off. That I can hang out with. That I can depend on physically being there for me. That I can just be normal with. I know I thought he was different. I still believe he is. But there have been some red flags I’ve noticed in arguing I don’t like and that make me question if we’d be right. There are a few things I wouldn’t see if we would be suited as a normal everyday life but it’s so hard when all we have is nothing normal, so who’s to say the niggly little things we argue about (which is mainly to do with the situation were in) what if they didn’t exist and so we’d be great together? And what if I’m about to let go of the one amazing person who’s stood by me all these years and helped me and who’s do anything for me..except leave his wife just now..what if I let that go and i shouldn’t have?
    How do I break it off so he undersyamds my position and doesn’t get annoyed at me? So we can continue being friends and work together cos I’d like to still care for him and vice versa…
    any help or advice please?!?!?

    • Cindy smith

      Oh wow… your situation reads exactly as if I read it. My ex husband left me but I know I was so caught up and preoccupied with my MM that I was driving my husband away. I probably didn’t really realise this until I read your post. Everything you’re feeling is me. From this forum I’m quickly seeing that many of the situations are the same. I’d be the first to say, yes but my situation is different. Yes the particulars vary but at the end of the day it’s exactly the same.
      We’re two years involved and now a few months now of having called it off as he won’t leave his wife just now. Our contact is minimal because neither of us can just cut ties, we tried it before and it’s like the temptation is bigger. We always find a way to get back in touch and when we do it’s like we make up for lost time.
      He has become a part of my circle of friends and we recently just had a weekend together. Both saying that we would be together over the weekend then go back to ‘nothing’ afterwards. The desperation in his looks and want for me was heartbreaking. We had an amazing weekend then just spotted back into our individual normal lives. The aftermath is horrible. I’m still trying to find opportunities or excuses to see him. He seems to be distant but this is what he does when he’s trying to focus on home, give it a few days and he stalks me.
      Through this forum I’m quickly learning that no contact seems to be the key. There’s a few women on her who have been brave enough to do this. Sadly I’m not one of them. I’m not strong enough. It kills me that I do t feel worthy or value myself enough to stop. I must Admit the time I have available now allows me to focus on my life and reconnect honestly with friends and my kids. Everyone else was secondary to him.
      I find I am losing a little bit of respect for him now too as last weekend he expected that I would fund his weekend away. It was interesting to see his behaviour hands when I told him that I won’t do that anymore. I felt like a cow but financially I actually can’t find him as I can’t afford it. This did also slightly empower me. Maybe this was the first of me dusting myself off. Who knows.
      So I do believe no contact is the best and in your situation. It seems as if that’s not really possible. Moving work but if it was me, I love my job and would hate to move.
      Sorry I don’t have an answer for you, but please know you’re not alone and that you’re supported here.
      Take care Cindy x

      • Anon

        Thanks Cindy. I don’t want to be naive nor a fool and waste what ‘youthful’ years I have left.
        I have someone else pursuing me at the moment and I really like him and he would suit me and my life soooo well. But my work I don’t want to leave, mm is saying I will progress but I have to trust him and be patient. I do believe him. But how do I leave him and keep my job happy.
        I need this man. He is like my muse; when everything between us is good I’m happy and confident and fine. When everything is not, I’m a wreck and feel like I can’t do anything.
        I don’t know what to do.

        Am I being the fool? He has a lot of potential and his work would be at risk if he just left her now. But would he even suit my little family lifestyle? How would he be with my children? They’re still so young. He’s been my most avid supporter all these years through so much; I feel like I am betraying him by leaving him.

    • Cindy smith

      Oh honey, my heart just broke a little for you. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this. Really proud of you for taking back your control, you’ve done what I need to do.
      You’re a strong woman and you’ve got this!!! Take care of you today xx

      • Joanne

        Thanks. I will be ok eventually. It’s the right thing to do. If I were married, I’d be so heartbroken if my husband was carrying on like this. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Maybe God will bless me sometime with a good man

    • Dana

      Thank you so much, Joanne, and all the other ladies for sharing. It is such a huge support to have you all in my life right now. I broke off my 12-year long love fantasy with my mm on April 26. I was going through a bit of roller coaster for a week. I was trying to distract myself every way possible but it is much harder to this on the weekend. This is the first weekend when I can’t wait to be back at work.

      Than you so much again.

      • Cindy

        Hi Dana and Joanne,

        Just checking in on you both and wanting you to know you’ve been on my mind. I hope you’re doing ok. Yes weekends are so tough.
        I’m in the process of selling my marital home and I’ve just purchased another home. The stresses with doing this have been unbelievable, set back after setback.. but finally getting there. MM would’ve been there helping me make decisions and allowing me to vent.. it’s cutrently such a heartbreaking moment and also a powerful one. I’m making huge decisions on my own, something I haven’t done for a long time.
        We’ve tried the no contact but both seem to find an excuse or away to send of short ‘above board’ messages. I’m at the stage that I’m finding this more heartbreaking than not. There’s no more ‘good morning’ or goodnight messages. No pictures of his day. No pics of him.. I’m feeling disrespected and just more like he’s keeping me in the wings because he wants me there just in case.
        We had always organised to have ‘one last night’ once things in my world settled down and I’ve sent him a potential date, he’s jumped at the chance of a few hours with me in accom in Melb. The closer this night is getting, the angrier I’m feeling but I also want it as I know it’ll be amazing.. ggrr.. but why hey??

        Thinking of you. I found a few quotes which if I can I’ll post here..

        Take care – Cindy

        • Joanne

          Won’t it make it harder to do the ‘one last night’ thing? I knew if I met up again it would most likely be the last time and I knew i would just be miserable. I sent a pic this weekend of me on vacantikn. Not good:(

          • Cindy

            I think I’m actually agreeing with you now. The aftermath of our weekend away has been tough, contact was ramping up for a few days but then there’s been nothing the past few days. Anyway he’s just messaged now.. ‘how’s it hanging?’ So all the emotions instantly come back – want, desire, how can I see him, when can I see him, this time though I can also see that I’m slightly angry and feeling frustrated with myself for this. The one last time can’t happen in my case right now. Man this is tough… I now know that I would be going into the one last time with the hope that it wasn’t the last time. I need to value myself more than this.
            Thank you for your support.. I feel I’m getting there because I can at least see that catching up would be so bad for me. I’m making the smallest steps forward, still miss him everyday but there’s not as many tears. I know he’s gone. Sorry – starting to feel scatty … again.. xx

          • Anne

            what I have is totally ridiculous we have only ever met the twice and even at that was at occasions ie wedding and birthday occasion etc.. its been almost three years and I still find myself on the same emotional rollercoaster with him no matter how hard I try.. Its only an online thing with text messages with the occasional phone call but only when hes had a drink or is bored Id say.. Hes married with a baby about two years of age and I am single, separated about two and half years with grown up teens.. am I that desperate that I cling to what he says to me which is all rubbish really and I know this in my own head and mind.. for such an intelligent woman I can be quite dumb and perhaps desperate to want for him to contact me at all.. he is a slimebag end of.. theres a set pattern here, he text me I ignore he chases I ignore more I block him then unblock him then answer then hes delighted then I cop onto reality and the very next day say get lost basically in the best way I can and trying to be having my morals and remain respectful.. then it starts all over again the longest bout for me to abstain at all was just recently from February till now so about three months.. now hes back texting cause I actually got in touch to say hi very stupidly.. someone please help me see the light here as it is slowly really driving me insane.. its horrible and I cant stand it any longer so why am I hanging on? PS interestingly enough he never gave out about his Wife and always said that he wasn’t expecting to feel the way he did about me blah blah blah, you get the jist, but now for first time ever hes saying they not getting on for last month for me to keep it to myself and that their relationship is very toxic at the moment.. so me being the dumbass that I am sent him a request on Facebook and he rejected me but still continues to leave messages open to keep in contact, and also his Wife has liked his recent picture in the last 24 hours so I said it to him that things musnt be that bad after all he said how could she not like that photo.. what an absolute asshole.. Please someone help me stop this downward spiral I’m in my 40’s and hes about 5 years younger shes even younger again, please help. PPS I just cannot stop looking at my phone its annoying me so much. I even sent a long winded message this am to him stating how I will no longer take part in this scenario even if it is only texting. I feel so guilty and ashamed.

  • Joanne

    Been back and forth with my married man for a year and half. Will end it then after a couple months I break down and message him. Have a dinner date set in a couple weeks. I know it’s a bad idea. It’ll end in hurt and I will feel used. Yet I don’t want to cancel after telling him to plan it. The emotional rollercoaster is ridiculous. I know I need to just end it and not put myself in bed with him again! Why is this so hard when I know what’s right and best?

    • Cindy smith

      I’m in the exact same situation now. It was mutually ended and we lasted about a month. The thing is, it was his call., I’m doing everything he’s asking as he wants to focus on his family. We have kept messaging to a bare minimum which is maybe a few messages every few days. Last weekend I had a cycling trip with friends and he invited himself to come. We easily slotted back into our secret couple scenarios all while knowing that nothing has changed and we just slit back into our normal individual worlds. Was so easy at the time but now I’m the aftermath I feel like I’m back to square one. He has messaged a few times yesterday about cycling etc but we haven’t spoken about what’s happening. I told him that he sets the rules but can’t stick to them, he agreed. He said it would be easier if I found someone – obv this would make it easy for him. I agree when people say the only way to get over him is to have no contact, to take back my control etc… very hard when all that I want is him. You’re not alone Joanne. Take care. Xx

  • lilly

    ive been dating a married man for 3 years .His good to me sweet everything youve evr asked for & recently he bought me a car & wants to build for me a house but you know what hurts at the back of my mind is his not my man his engaged to someone else though he tells me he loves me may be he does but i dont want to have this life his wife found out about us & ive read there conversations where by he always defends me each time the wife talks about me .in all thing i feel what im doing is wrong dating a married man .yes some nights his at my place as he pays my apartment but some nights im all alone ,its cold im lonely it hurts like hell im now 28yrs wasting my youth with him may be im prettier sexir than the wife but thats the wife .All the truth hurts like hell but its the truth .He will never leave her for me though he wants me as a second wife but why should i be someones option.
    im just going to break it off & try to heal by myself make my self stroner because breaking up is the best thing i know i will hurt like heal damn his been so good to me in that even when the wife found out he sided with me but all this is wrong .Till when will i stay 2nd best .I will be back here in december 2018 to update you how i managed how many times i cried

    • Notanga

      The one thing I learned from this is it doesn’t matter how pretty, good sex, good body, it doesn’t matter they are not leaving their wife. It makes me feel like an idiot

  • Anonymous

    My problem has turned out to be very unique and suffocating. I am 21 years old and I have been going to this gym since I was 14. As a stupid teenager I developed a crush over this gym trainer(married with children) but beyond day dreaming and butterflies never really expected it to develop into anything significant. But after three years he started training me. I was still pretty smitten but I didn’t reflect it at all. I am very reserved and we had bery little casual interaction. But over the years the interaction began to grow in a completely non platonic way. We used to talk about random stuff and nothing objectionable. He never shied away from mentioning he is married either. But then I kind of started getting these flirtatious messages from him which I just dismissed as being my imagination. But over the past three years I suppose our interaction great beyond seeing each other at the gym everyday. We went out on a few coffee dates and stuff but I always convinced myself that we are just good friends. But after that I started getting very strong signs showing his interest in me- he flirted, complimented, we texted late at night when his wife was out of town and I was so smitten that I just played along without realizing how deeply involved I am. Then he started initiate physical contact which I tried to resist initially but after a few months I gave in. We still haven’t had intercourse ( although it’s a prospect he is hoping to achieve soon) but we have done pretty much everything else. Throughout the process I had convinced that he was my first serious crush and i am too addicted to him to quit. We never have had a serious conversation about what we are but I know he is a family loving man and doesn’t plan on leaving his wife but simultaneously he also cares about me and gives me immense satisfaction. Lately I have been consumed by the idea that this relationship would not allow me to build my career now that it’s time to figure out my life. But the thought of moving on from him paralyses me. I can’t share this with my family which is immensely loving and caring. All this in the midst of my exams. I want a solution where I can gradually move on from him because right now the thought of not having him in my life is too difficult to fathom. So difficult that I am satisfied with whatever love he can offer throughout my life. Please help me find a middle ground while considering my present state of mind. I don’t think I will be able to.cope with it without professional help which I can’t get without my parents knowing. Will this relationship just fade away with time?

    • Cay James

      I hate to tell you this but everything that’s happened to you has happened because this guy has been grooming you. I know you said that you were getting off any signs but you were also 17 and at 17 you haven’t even been alive long enough to know all of the unconscious signs that you were getting off that told him that you are either attracted to him or that he had a chance of encouraging you to be attracted to him. Even full-grown women aren’t aware of the signs that you give off that men certainly are. Once you gave off that we are not aware of but men certainly are. Once you started giving off those signs he decided to put you through what I call the “slow boiling frog” technique. If the concept that if you put a frog in water on the stove and then turn up the heat little by little and for an extended amount of time, then the fog may not realize that he’s getting hotter and hotter. By the time he realizes that he’s boiling, he’s already been cooked. This is what he’s doing to you. You gave off signs a told him that you were perfect candidate but he knew that he had to move slowly so that you wouldn’t recognize that he was drawing you in towards his goal. One of the things the guys typically do is test you to see if they can get away with certain behavior. It’s usually something small and seemingly innocent so you would notice it but it’s basically to see how you respond to his behavior. If you accept it, then he knows that he can go even further with you. But remember he’s adapting the “slow boiling frog” technique so it never occurred to you that when he texted you with those flirtatious messages that he was really trying to see how you would react to them. Would you delete them and then avoid him? Would you answer back as if you didn’t understand what he was doing? Would you answer his texts with quotations? By this time he probably observed enough about you to know that you wouldn’t do anything that would harm him like say-show his wife the text messages. But he wanted to see what you would do because that would tell him whether or not he can move on to groom you in other ways until you became addicted to him and his attention-which is exactly what he planned.
      But you are right about one thing…. If you do not stop seeing him, it will ruin you in ways that will either take years to correct or it will be something that cannot be reversed…..and he will continue on, possibly applying the same technique to other girls, if he isn’t doing that while he’s playing with you. I won’t bother to mention them here but think along the lines of STD’s or him abandoning you with a child to raise on your own but if you think that not having him in your life is hard to fathom now, wait until something happens where the choice is not yours anymore…. And believe me you’re not in control of the situation so pretty soon, he will be taken away from you or become such a problem that you will have wished that you have listen to yourself before it got that far.
      And you may think “Well, you don’t know him. He’s different”. But just so you know, those are usually the last words that a woman says before she is ruined. Trust us when we tell you that men are not like unicorns. The way they think is pretty much the same – it’s only what they DO that’s different and if you stop listening to what he SAYS and start looking at what he DOES then you would start seeing the real him and get away from him.
      As for the getting away from him part, that’s going to take a lot of mental strength and the ability to move quickly. Start with this. Think about the worst guy you have ever met. Someone you KNOW FOR SURE is a dog! Then think of a friend of a family member – a younger sister, a female friend or any other younger girl that you cared about. Now imagine them coming to you and telling you that they’ve been seeing the guy that you KNOW for a fact is a cheating dog and she needs your advice on how to get away from him. List all of the advice that you would give her. Just list it and then walk away from the sheet of paper. Do not come back to it for the whole day. The next day, review it and do every single thing that you would’ve told her to do and do it ALL AT ONCE! Maybe not the next day but AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! Be warned that you may have to do drastic things like stop going to the same gym (even if you have a membership-just call it an investment in your sanity), stop going to places that he knows that you go, change your cell phone number, block his phone number and then delete his contact from your phone. You may have to go away and visit someone for a week or 2…that will take you out of his range so that he can’t try to hunt you down (and don’t take this as flattery-he will look for you because he’s trying to keep using you and knows that the longer you’re gone the harder it will be use you again). While you’re gone, read blogs like this. Also, write a list in your phone of every horrible thing that will happen if your family finds out about this. Write down a list of the ways that you have changed for the worse by being with him (because chances are high that you have done things that you would and should never have done just by being with him). Review them every time you are tempted to go back to him. These are some of the techniques I used when I had to disconnect myself from someone like this. If you don’t do any of these things make a plan to get away from him and then INACT THE PLAN ALL AT ONCE! Do not do just one part and leave yourself fully exposed to him in other areas . Disconnect from him and do it all at once because a predator like that (and make no mistake predators make it their job to appear attractive) will try to find you just to get back into your head and start using you just like he already has! Be strong and be true to yourself and recognize that you’re infatuated with someone who has a little conscience that he can go home to his family and look them in the eyes while carrying on with you. Feel lucky that you are not in his wife’s place and don’t envy her Instead be lucky that you aren’t the one that has invested your body and your years to someone who is betraying you. I wish you well!

      • Cay James

        Sorry, I was typing really fast and didn’t bother to edit the above comment. My apologies. I just hope that you got the idea of what I’m trying to say and realize that he’s been playing on your youth and knowledge of what women want to get them to give him what HE wants. Be well.

  • Imen

    I felt the need to read about how to get over a married man’s love becomes in this point I just can’t et him away of my mind, he’s with me everywhere, all I can do for now is to see our photos and videos toether and remember some of the moments we had together, it’s SO HARD TO FORGET GOD DEAM IT, it was just a month but in this period of time I saw him every single, I’m studing economics in the technology school and he’s in the marines, our schools are close, so I had the opportuanity to see him every day of the 30 ones we nnew each other in. The first time we talked was on facebook, I saw him in the suggestions and added him, in the first conversation, he told me that he’s sorry ’cause he’s married and his wife don’t like to know that his contacting girls so I apoligized and after one week, There was the olympic Universities days and we saw each other for the first time. That night he sended me a msg in fb telling me that he saw me in the morning I told him that so did I but wasn’t him married ? He said that it was just an excuse ’cause he thought that I’m a fake account and that he want me to forget bt our first conversation . Next day he came to see me in my school and we talked the third day we had our first kiss and from then we became a couple, we hanged together, it was just amazing all the time I had with him, he always said that I touched him differentely, and one day I had a call from a foreigh number, it was from his wife she told me that he was married and have one kid , she sends me there marriage photos and all, I called him to know bt it … after all this I just can’t get over him, I’m always crying and remembering the time we had together .. I love him and missing all of him, his smile, his hugs, kisses .. missing it all
    Ps: I’m 18 and he’s 21.. his wife is 20 yo and his child is 3 I guess, he married her ’cause she got pregnant in 17 yo ( that’s what I knew ) :/

  • Toya J

    So I was dating this married man bit all of a sudden things changed because my feelings got involved. He is a mean fellow but overall I like the way he makes me feel.. Rumors around that he is dating multiple women.. I try to move on but he works with me and find ways to see me.
    .help please

  • Karina

    All of the feelings everyone on here is having….. Multiply your hurt X100….. That’s the pain the wives feel when they find out you’ve been sleeping with their husbands. Stop putting yourselves in these messed up situations and find a single man. For the married women on here that are cheating, spare your spouse the hurt and embarrassment and just leave them, don’t cheat!!!

  • Snowwhite

    Broke off with MM last October… It’s coming to 6 months… We haven’t been contacting each other and I avoid to bum into him. It’s not getting better… I really do miss him alot. It felt like we didn’t have a closure. I just stop immediately when he delayed in replying my message and his wife started to suspect that he might have another woman. I just blocked him from Whatsapp and calls. I am feeling terrible each day… I can’t focus on my work until today I am still thinking about him. Do we need a closure ? Will I be able to know the truth and whats this feelings it’s all about? Is he really selfish and trapped me and playing games with my mind? I fucking hate myself for liking and loving him.i really do deserve better but this shit is difficult.

    • Heartbroken

      My heart goes out to you.. I know exactly how you are feeling.. so with knowing that you are over with MM maybe have a think about what you need to move on.
      I had all those feelings during my relationship with MM and I’d cancel outings, shuffle my kids around and let family down just to seee him. He was my first priority in everything I did. To have that ripped from under me was gut wrenching. We had a few days of no closure and I cannot even imagine having 6 months of it.
      So yesterday he sent a message saying it was the right thing to stay in his situation and he wished me well.. knowing this made the start of the closure process much easier.
      I think even after 6 months you still have things you want to say. It’s very dangerous territory to get back in touch with him. But maybe try to get your head around the fact that it is over. Once this sits ok with you it might then be safer to get the closure you need. But the closure needs to be about you and for you. Keeping in mind that it is closure and leave it at that.
      I only had a week or so of me clutching onto a false hope of that he would stay with me. Our entire 2 year relationship was more than perfect so the end was gut wrenching. I feel for you and you are not alone. Take care x

  • Anny

    Guys even i need help… i am married since 5 years but no kids.. before marriage i was deeply in love with a guy who was already in a serious relationship which he has taken forward to marriage. He used to tell me if i was the first girl in his life then he would have chosen me..but he always insisted me to stay in touch with him.. after 4 years of my marriage i was again in touch with him and worst was we became physical after 3 meetings.. it has been 2 years i am in touch with him and thrice we went physical.. and now i want him more and more.. i am ready to cross my limits all over again.. i dont know what to do.. i am continuously calling him and texting him msgs full of love.. i always wait for him…but i know he will never ever leave his wife neither will i leave my husband.. i am stuck now.. please help !!

  • Heartbroken

    I have been reading this forum all day and so far I can relate to every story in one way or another.
    5 years ago I was in an unhappy marriage with a man who has Borderline Personality Disorder. This was my second marriage and it was hell. So instead of dealing with my marriage issues I went online and chatted to a MM. this was 2 years ago. I was 120kg… we started by just chatting and both talking about our home life issues. I told him everything about me and he did the same. He was a cyclist and good st it. He inspired me to eat well and exercise. We met up after a few weeks of chatting and the next 2 years were the most amazing years of my life. Financially though I paid for accom, lunches etc as his wife controlled his money.
    My husband ran off with another woman 6 months ago and left me in debt, and MM got me through with advice and emotional support.
    We were riding and seeing each other weekly and during this time (2years) I lost 40kg and felt amazing.
    Since I haven’t been married for the past 6 months it’s been really easy to see each other. Holidays, motels and lunches.
    His home life has been worse than ever as his desire for stealing moments with me is much stronger.
    His wife gets violent towards him and last week he pushed her away as he was trying to leave, she injured herself and his kids saw the whole thing. This has given him a wake up call. His wife had told him he is a wife basher and that he needs anger management counselling.
    Last Friday we sat and cried and he said for the kids he needed to focus on home. He believes he’s all those horrible things his wife says he is.
    So last Thursday we agreed to stop. It was heartbreaking. We still see each other’s posts on a cycling app and instagram.
    We race at the same cycling club now and on Sunday we had an amazing conversation and the most amazing kiss. We agreed that things werent over but for now he was to focus on his home life.
    Today I got a message from him saying he really needs to end this and that he was having a night out with his wife to try to learn to like her again.. he changed all his profile pics on social media as they were photos that I’d taken of him.
    I actually feel he is serious this time about giving his marriage a chance. So I’m heartbroken. I can’t focus on anything and need some help in taking my control back. I know I am just focussing on everything he wants etc.. but I just want him..
    this site is amazing and I don’t feel so alone. Xxx

  • CW

    I was involved with a MM for nearly 3 years. We knew each other from primary school and I found him accidentally on FB … That’s where it all began … We connected the minute we spoke and it just progressed naturally. We laughed about liking each other in primary school but were too shy to talk to each other. We started to see each other whenever possible, doing all sorts of things together, going to movies, shopping even the odd holiday everything we did was fun and easy. We loved being in each other’s company and I enjoyed talking to him and him with me. We could talk about anything and everything for hours. We split up numerous times but like a magnet was pulled back together. His wife found out a year ago and even then we could not stay away. He made be blissfully happy and unhappy at the same time. I waited anxiously for calls and messages and would change plans if it meant I could spend time with him. Anyway nearly a month ago now things got really heated with his wife and he told me his marriage was over and was even talking about moving in with me. Then the next day he was distant again and told me he had to come clean and let everyone know what is happening and he would not be communicating with me until everything is sorted. Now this has happened before but only lasted a few days at most, so now it is nearly a month and not one message, not even to wish me happy birthday. I was hurt and angry and yes I miss him, but this time I think he has done me a huge favour as I now can see I can survive without him. I just hope I am strong enough to not let him back into my life. I have blocked him on all social media and on my phone so unless he physically comes to see me I won’t have any ties to him. Ladies let them go .. I was told he has never loved like he has me, never felt the way he does when with me wants to do things with me and noone else and yet he is still married … Actions speak louder than words … It hurts yes … I will never stop loving him but I have let him go.

    • Tired of crying

      Reading your words here I could have easily written them myself. That’s all it is, words. And yes actions do speak louder than words. It hurts, I know. And I too will always love my xMM but the pain of being with him was much worse than the loss. I agree with you, ladies LET THEM GO! If they truly felt all the ways they tell you they feel, they’d be with YOU! Period. If they can’t let their wives go, then they are only gonna hurt you. Believe me I know from experience. Walk away, it’ll hurt like hell but you will be ok.

      • Heartbroken

        Thank you so much ladies. Your words and feelings are exactly how I feel. It’s euphoric and heartbreaking all at the same time. It’s been 4 days now since our stolen kiss at bike racing the other day and he sent me a message this morning then called. It was sad and more importantly really made me hear that he is giving his marriage a shot. He told me he was spending a night in Melb with his wife to try and make things right, so in my heart I knew that they had sex. Here’s me jealous and sickened at the thought of him doing that. I felt cheated on and angry. This actually made things a little easier. I listened to his endless apologies and him saying he’s optimistic about his home and family getting through this. I told him that couldn’t Beg him to come back anymore, fund accom getaways or drop everything for him. I said I’m learning to respect myself more. It was so hard and I’ve been in tears all day. This is the longest we haven’t spoken and I really think this is it now.

  • Anonymous

    Spent the last hour reading comments on here…can’t believe the similarities in so many of them. I’ve been having an affair with a MM for 18 months, I’m also married. Two weeks ago my husband found out, then MM told his wife and everything fell apart. I’m devastated. I (stupidly) believed him when he said we were soulmates, he loved me, and on and on. We work together, we’ve hung out with each other’s spouses, etc. He said he wants to work it out with his wife though and my husband wants to stay with me. But I can’t get MM out of my head. We spent every day together for 18 months, he was my best friend and loved and confidant and made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman In the world. I’m just lost. Been 2 days of strict NC – tell me it gets easier. It has to get easier, I can’t live like this forever. Just want to feel that rush again.

    • Tired of crying

      I do know what you’re going through unfortunately. Every single word you’ve written here I too have written and said. My mm and I broke up going on 10 months ago. The first few days and first few weeks were like death to me. We, too talked every single day and seen each other every day. He also made me feel the way your mm made you feel. And said the same things too, I was his soul mate I was the love of his life… listen, it does get easier but it’s hard. If you’re anything like me, you will feel every emotion you have all at once. But you have to push through the hard days and embrace the good days, what good days you have. Focus on what he chose to do, which is stay with his wife, even after telling you you were his soul mate and he loved you so much. If that were true, he would be with you right now, not the wife. It’s a harsh reality to have to face but truth will help you heal.

    • First time affair

      Hello ladies, I’ve been having an affair with this middle age Psychologist mm with no children going on 1 yr this month. I met him on a plane while on my way to a solo vacation.
      This is my first time ever having an affair and I’m not feeling good about all the sneaking around.
      I’m currently married going through a divorce with 3 grown children. My husband and I have been married for 20 yrs. last 3 yrs the spark in our marriage has fizzled out. I’m very well to do financially and my mm seems to be struggling somewhat financially. His wife lives a very extravagant lifestyle and spends all his money. We live in two different islands 3000 miles away, and we only see eachother secretly 2-3 days every 2 months which I’ve seem to fund our secret getaways every time. He says he’s going to leave his wife, move here and find a job. Since I’ve been in this affair he has asked me at least twice for money, 5-15k each time. I haven’t given him any because a part of me just felt it wasn’t right. I have feelings for this mm. He makes me feel special when we’re together. We text everyday secretly when he’s able to. However, there are days when he disappears for a day or two with no contact. I know deep down I’m living a fantasy and I can’t help but feel the things he tells me is a lie. I know I should end it but not sure how?

    • Alegna

      Please don’t fall prey & go back to him. I too tried to stop communicating him & didn’t communicate for 3days straight. He was the one who communicated again. Everytime I try to leave & make less conversations he does his little tricks & I also fall back bit he never leaves his wife as he promise. He only picks fights with her then after sometime they are ok again. He is so scared of losing me & wants me all to himself but will never leave her. I am trying my best & slowly communicating with single men even though I always go back to the M. M but I find that I am healing slowly & only grit & determination will help me.

  • Naledi

    Devastated me
    I have been in a relationship with MM (stolen property) for 18 months now, I think I have had enough of this hide and seek kind of game. The financial support he has been giving me is not very impressive, looking at the risk I have put myself into, I feel so much used and dirty. I think time to let go of him, it’s not as easy as that but I believe with time I will get there.

  • I will be okay, we will be okay.

    I googled about this because I am making thing right. I am in a 2 year relationship with a married man and finding the courage to stop it. You can call me martyr that I really care and love him and even buy his kids gifts when I travel for vacations . This guy made me believe that he can love even the worst thing about me, not seeing I am at my worst with him. I tried breaking it off with him several times before but he still finds a way back and using my depression his finest weapon-That i needed him and making an open-ended future fly.
    He gave me the best 2 years of my life and also gave me the worst 2 years. During our worst weeks i tried to take my own life. Thinking I am worthless. I felt it more when he tells me I am so strong, beautiful and smart, yet he cannot be mine. Making myself think I am far more worthless than I believe.
    From the start I have thought of his wife and children and every single time I try to end it. I do not want and never wanted to live in a lie, be hidden and ashamed and most specially, even we were very careful, I will also feel devastated if I hurt his family when they find out.
    Just a few hours ago I blocked him (after reading this article and comments from other brave women I didn’t waste any time) : I know my way is unamicable but I think this is the best way. Since he doesn’t have the b*lls to end it,so for everyone’s sake I will do it. Hoping his family will never find out and let me and him move on our separate ways.
    I hope anyone else going through what I am going through do what I am doing with this situation, despite of what he tells you and how much you love him, it is not real, right nor good for you so convince yourself it is not true love. True love is when you are in love with someone you are still able to love yourself but staying in the same daily agony is not loving yourself.
    Start loving ourself now. Let us be strong together! Forgive ourselves, love ourselves and FREE ourselves. Thank you again for this article.
    3:31am in my country.

  • L&O

    Hi ladies i don’t even know how to start this but here i go, I’ve been in a relationship already for 1 year with a married man well technically since he lives with her and they’re 2 boys we met at our work and its crazy because at 1st we didn’t like each other since he heard from my coworkers that i was a stuck up and a b***h and he definitely was not my type but as the days went by we kinda started this weird attraction to one another and one day we stayed late in the office and it happen our 1st kiss the kiss that started everything it was a different kiss like no other i felt like we’ve been waiting for ever for that kiss anyways so we continued staying late then things went to the next level he tried to stop it to even end it because he said it wasn’t fair to her our attraction was stronger the he end it when he realized he was having strong feelings for me i then realized i loved him too so we then got back together wich it was harder now for me because i also have a partner as well but i must be honest to you guy’s till this day he doesn’t know that he still leaves with me because i told him he left the house at the beginning of our relationship so when he knows were together we always have fights and just 1 week ago i left to vegas with my baby’s dad i told him about it and he said he was cool with it that he understood that it was for the kid;s but he never messaged me or called me the entire weekend and when i got back i tried calling him i texted him and nothing until 2 days later he called me back and told me that it was over that he couldn’t believe that i did leave to vegas with him that i should’ve known that it was not ok and that he wasn’t cool about it so i also told him what about all the nights that he spent at home with her anyways we met up and talked about it and we were kinda cool until she kept calling him and i told him why she kept on looking for him if they weren’t “cool” like that so he said he would talk to her about it when he went back home so next day (monday) he called me and texted me like any good day for us then he said he would call me later in the night so that we could talk about they’re conversation he didn’t then the next day he din’t call or reply to me messages and then on Wednesday i called and he answer and just said ill call you back in 1 hour, he didn’t so i called him 3 hrs later and he didn’t answer the he reply’s with a message saying i’m sorry i cant continue this relationship because the pressure i’m putting him is too much to handle and that hes having ab lot of problems and doesn’t need me to pressure him too so now i don’t know what to do i kinda want this to be over i want it to end i’m just wondering if this time it’s really over we’ve broken up soo many times i can’t believe i’m in this situation please help 🙁

    • I will be okay, we will be okay.

      Let us do it together I am also literally trying to break it off right now. You are not alone. Call me Estelle. Look at yourself in the mirror and be reminded who is loving you back. Sometime there are no needed much discussion if it is really over. What is important it is important for you. Go out, take a walk and breath. At night write everything about it. Forgive yourself and him and do not let it hold you back. Because what ever his problem is and you think you added to that remind on how he treats you. Like you are a. 025% of his life. Create a game plan for yourself on how you will be okay. Keep yourself active, do affirmations and meditate. Girl if I am able to do it now, you can to!

        • Lil leezil

          Ladies u are not alone. Trust me break it off. It will b excruciating but u will make it thru. He is robbing his wife, his marriage, his life of love. Do not let them rob you of love in ur life. U deserve better. Trust me. It’s been 10 months since I spoke to him. Things are so much better than riding that roller coaster.

      • L&o

        Thanks Estelle for you’re words 🙂 I couldn’t resist anymore so I called him yesterday he told me that he couldn’t deal with this pressure anymore that he’s going to figure out things and leave he’s house in 2 months or so and that he will look for me and we’ll continue if I’m available but that he can’t with this double life he said he’s feelings towards me haven’t changed, but I have a feeling it’s over but he sounded more mad then just tired of the situation I’m thinking he’s coworker told him we texted till midnight because ever since he seemed different, thus is soo confusing but I guess I’ll take it day by day 😔

  • blandine

    This married man was a close friend to me when I was having problems with my ex boyfriend, he gives me advice how I should take my step with him ,till one day I broke up with my ex the married man was there to support me till he we fall in love together we started dating for 1years. He always tell me he will visit my mum, we will travel spend time together but its never happen, sometimes he travel for4 weeks ,1month he will never text me ,when he comes back he will text me his back ,that he want to see me he miss me. All he does is to take me to a hotel he never take me out for dinner or spend time somewhere else him is all about sex I even got pregnant for him before he told me to remove it. This man hurt me so much I always for give him but this time I told him is over for good. The worst part was when I texted him is over he d int even reply but still posting his pictures on Facebook like he don’t care so I block I felt really use for 1years I feel like a prostitude just because I fell in love with the wrong man.

  • maureen

    we met 2 years ago ; he was working in my region by then we moved in together we were leaving as husband and wife later i got pregnant and he got a ptomotion at work and moved to his hometown where his wife is and i later had a miscarriage and he was too far to cum and comfort me(pain 1); but he was in contact 24/7 with me saying all the things that i wanted to hear as woman but mostly i wanted him near me of which is impossible and again i lied to my family about him coz i cannot introduce him; even now im still with him but i feel trapped like im afraid to leave him my feelings for him are just too much; ieven tried to tell him that i want to end the relationship but joo i love him so much , even him we talk in the middle of the night while hes at home and he tells me how he cant live without me.I DONT KNOW HOW I GOT THIS FAR IN THIS RELATIONSHIP

  • Sez

    I worked with him for 4 years before he started flirting and sending me flowers… one thing lead to another and now it’s been just over 4 years. He been saying he’s going to leave his wife for 3 of those years and the accountant was sorting out his financial affairs to make sure she didn’t get to the business… he was away with work recently & before I left I found out his wife was taking their 2 kids on a 4 week holiday overseas… I asked him numerous times if he was going & the promised me over 10 times he wasn’t… while he was away with work he said he had an argument with them & they hadn’t spoken to him for 2 days because the kids wanted him to go on the trip but even then said he wasn’t going… then he emailed me his flight details an hour later… when I text him yo say WTF he said he’d been on standby & they’d just been confirmed & said he’d get out of it & didn’t want to go… the whole weekend he was coming over saying he was only going for the kids etc etc… even up until 2 hours before he flew out he was trying to say he’ll get out of it…. I had told him it would be over if he goes as it’s clear I’ve been played big time… he promised me black & blue that he would sleep on the couch the whole time but he promises are just words… I feel so shocked, betrayed, rejected, foolish, demoralised, used & stupid for ever getting involved with him in the first place… I really thought what we had was special but I was blind up until now… I am determined to be strong & move forward with my life & he can have his wife because she obviously means so much to him. The sad part us work as I put my heart & soul into that place but I don’t think I can stay working there any longer… I feel positive about my decision but also stuck in this rut I’ve created… my heart is broken & it hurts like hell… baby steps will see me through though… onwards & upwards is the only way forward…. i do wonder if his wife would like to know what her wonderful husband has been up to for the last 4 years…..

    • Tired of crying

      So sorry you’re going through this hard stuff. I can totally relate though. I had a MM just like that. Made me promises after promises that all turned out to be 100% lies. That’s what these married men do, they play with our heads and hearts to get what they want without a single thought about how they have effected our lives. I did tell my xMM wife, she turned it back on me though and told me I could have told him no. And she absolutely refused to look at any evidence. It ended terribly and had I had it to do all over again, I would have just walked away with my dignity and took baby steps to heal. So my point is, telling the wife doesn’t always work out in your favor. Some of these wives are so attached to their husbands that they can’t even bare to live without them, like in my case. In fact they did so well they had another baby… so his affair had no impact on them… but I was left shattered and broken. I am getting much stronger now and can honestly see him for who he truly was. His wife didn’t win any prize, she decided that she wasn’t worth more than to have a lying cheating husband who she will forever have to wonder what he’s doing while away from her.. but now I’m free… keep moving forward, let his wife have his sorry ass..

    • lilly

      hi dear it hurts yes but donot involve his wife in this you will hurt more & look like the crazy one .Try and move on cut all contact with MM no need to tell the wife .its not your job to tell the wife .And usually these women know your scorned thats why your trying to tell her so you can break them u .its never too late forgiv yourself and move on

  • Bridget

    I have been involved with a married man for 5 yrs now, I met him when I was 24 and never knew he was married, I remember asking him a couple of times but he told me his single and wants to marry me. I feel so deeply in love with him and we even have kids twin boys. I only knew he was married when I was 5 months pregnant, there was nothing I could do at that moment but the kids are now 7 months old. I was devastated when I found out but I couldn’t break up with him because of the kids, I’m not working and so I need his assistance. but recently I hv been feeling so bad, I want to break up with him though he told me he and his wife are separated and going through a divorce but I don’t want to believe any more lies he has to tell me. I know I will have a hard time bringing up the kids but I’m ready to leave without him, please tell me what to do

  • Helen

    I can’t stop loving him…. heart, soul, body… everything… he is the type of person everyone loves… I am deeply in love with him…. problem is so is his wife…. this weekend I face the bottom of a bottle of wine whilst he is away with his wife and her family…. I am a senior leader in the business and he is the CEO…. we work together all the time and were besotted with each other… but he almost got found out and so backed off… we are still friends and obviously have feelings for each other but he called.our relationship because of his.wife and also our work reputations…. but I am not at the friend stage… I am deeply in love with him and MY heart breaks every day. I try to look at other guys but I’m so besotted with him … no one compares…. I hurt so badly all.of.the time. I don’t know how.to handle.it any more. No.one knows in work.amd it is hard to be normal when you feel.so hurt and have to act just like colleagues… we were lovers for 6 months… he called it 2 months ago and we have just been “friends” since but it’s torture and I can’t hack it … I feel completely broken…. I love him so.much

    • Tired of crying

      Believe me, I know how it feels to be so broken. My mm and I broke up 9 months ago and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through, ever. It’s been a long hard road to recovery but I am doing quite a bit better these days, so hang in there it can get better. It’s so hard when we love them so much and so deeply. I miss his smell his touch… everything. But life does go on. I’m sorry you’re hurting so deeply, it’s such an aching feeling I know all too well.

      • Too much pain

        How did you out finally go about ending it for good? I have been back and forth so many times and haven’t been able to stay away. This is too hard for me

  • Beth

    I met him when I came home from overseas. He was here working in NYC in his friends cafe. He presented himself as single. He ended up living with me for months. Eventually the woman he said was the mother of his child contacted me on social media claiming to be his wife. He would call me jealous because I wanted the truth. A week before he went back to France he admitted the truth. That he was married but also his wife was expecting his 3rd child. I wasn’t as upset as I thought relieved to know the truth. The truth that while I was with him he went back to France got his wife pregnant only to come to NYC and live with me. That’s horrible. What kind of man leaves behind his family his wife and kids? Acts single…… starts a relationship and lies continuously? I was relieved to know this is no longer my problem. Yes blocking him was hard even knowing I am better off. I fell under false pretenses. But deep down I knew. And that is something I couldn’t live with because karma is real. I am still dealing with this as it has been a week. But I know time heals.

  • Anonymous

    I was involved with a married man once and it was the worst time of my life. Thank God it didn’t last that long. I was being taken for granted and it was ridiculous. He was incredibly handsome and charming and at first, I declined his advances. Then he convinced me to go to dinner with him and the misery began. I was so happy to be with him when he did have time for me and the sex was the best I’d ever had.
    When I wasn’t with him, I was depressed. I can’t believe I let this jerk get the better of me. I was suffering and he had the best of both worlds.
    I know his wife found out he was a cheater and he even tried to re-romance me as far as seeing him again but I refused. She stayed with him for quite awhile before the divorce and now he has a girlfriend. I wonder if she knows what a cad he is. I can honestly say I feel nothing for him now except repulsion. I’ve aged so much better than him too ….ha.
    I was suspicious of him when he wasn’t with me and caught him on the internet flirting with other women. I really feel sorry for his wife because she seems like a good woman and as for the new girlfriend, good luck to her. Wouldn’t want to be her.
    If you’re hanging on to a married man you’re never going to be happy. It’s a rarity for them to leave their wives and if they do for you, you’re likely to end up in her position someday…which is cheated on by a loser.
    Just let go. It’s going to get better. You’re in limbo so someone can fulfill all their desires while you’re left hanging until their next call. There are plenty of single men out there who have the time for you and would treat you well. Best of luck to all!

    • Tired of crying

      You absolutely spoke to me in your post. I am 9 months post break up. I was shattered and have went thru hell healing from it. He did a number on me big time. But I am getting stronger. When you said how you were depressed when he want around, that was so me. I lived my life for him. And he absolutely got the best of both world having me and her and she always got the best while I got scraps. I don’t hate her. I feel bad for her because he’s shit. But thank you for posting, I needed to see that someone else feels the way I do..

      • Lil leezil

        Almost a year since I BROKE THINGS OFF. His wife was expect their first child in 2 months and still wanted to continue. Can’t believe how stupid I was. Listening to his going to get divorced story. I’m hoping my ending a 25 yr marriage was part of my stupidity. Anyways ladies, these are not men. They are little bi**hes. Bc a real man has the balls to tell the truth even if it’s tough. And I don’t know about u , but I need a man, not a lil b**ch. Let them go live with their lies and trust that karma will take care of them

  • Laurie Post author

    Ladies, hello! Thank you for being here — and for being so honest and supportive. You are stronger than you think, smarter than you believe, and more valuable than you know. Your authenticity and willingness to share your hearts has been amazing.

    This little blog post can’t support more comments (almost 1,300!!), so I have to shift over to a new article and shut down comments on this post. But you won’t lose touch — I reposted your 27 most recent comments on this new blog post:

    5 Things You Must Do to Stop Thinking About Him
    http://howloveblossoms.com/stop-thinking-about-him-obsessive-love/

    I used the names and emails you used here, and signed you up to get follow-up comments. If you don’t want follow-up comments, simply unsubscribe.

    Keep on taking care of yourself — and each other! And, know that you are helping other women break up with married men and heal their hearts.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Evette

    We had an unusual relationship because we were working in another city together. His wife was a half a world away. He slept over every night and we spent everyday together for months. It was a real “relationship.” Until our project ended and we each had to go back home (different states). He told me nothing would change, then said I can no longer contact him and have to wait for him to contact me, then said that things would be “irregular” but reassures me he wants to run away with me and I am his greatest fantasy. He kept messaging me saying how emotional he is and how he constantly thinks of me but cant bear to leave his children. I tell him he didn’t have to I will move there and we can pick up where we left off. Only recently have I truly accepted the realization that he isn’t leaving. I am only getting the crumbs of his love and emotion. I’m not even good enough to call or message anymore (he has a private work phone). He says it isn’t fair to me but I can’t imagine me not being in his life. What am I supposed to do? I know I have to let it go, but I can’t. He was my soul mate and I believe that. I can’t even be mad because I started this, I knew what I was doing. But love is love. Now, how do I get out of love without feeling the weight and guilt of losing my soul mate…? I still want him to call. I still want him to leave her, but I know he isn’t.

  • Sulondon

    He came to a new country to work, where he met me, while waiting for his family to come. We dated. He said he loves me the most in his life, but he asked me to share half of everything because he has to support his babies and his family so he can’t care for me as i expected. Yes, half of everything or a few times i paid all. It’s like he keeps living his life as normal and i accompany him for his pleasure and needs. I am nice, successful lawyer, but look at me now, cheaper than prostitutes.

  • Jailynn

    I wrote some of my story a week or so ago. Nobody responded, but I keep checking in and reading everyone’s comments. It’s really helping me, it’s making me so much stronger. I’m still seeing my man, but I don’t feel like I’m being his doormat anymore. And I really believe it’s because of these comments. I know I got myself into this, even though me kept at me over and over after I told him no so many times. It’s so hard because my man is truly my best friend. We talk non stop and confide in each other. But I’m so sick of his roller coaster emotions. This weekend I’ve been a little colder towards him, not running to meet him, and he’s been so sweet. He started talking about his guilt and saying we should stop 2 weeks ago again. I didn’t react like I normally do, I just said okay. I think this upset him. Now he’s telling me how much he needs me and wants me. How I’m his whole world. Funny though that if I’m his world, why does he still need to race home before his wife?

    • Pat

      Jailynn…this forum definitely helps you to gain some of your confidence back. It is challenging to let go completely but i believe you get stronger as the weeks go on. Reading the comments and knowing other people are going through the same thing is helpful. My MM makes sure he contacts daily and most of the time i embrace it but every now and again I am busy and he doesnt like that. I make sure i let him know i am single and seeking available men. He does not like that either but who gives a shit…lol anyway, I am going to try to continue to stay strong and not fall for his charm. Its been 6-7 months and i still have my heart but I like him more and more and i know it has to stop because its wrong. I may not ever meet my available man because i am sexually and emotionally involved with someone elses man ???

    • Janet

      I’m just reading this comment and I was interested in knowing where you are at now. I’m in a similar situation and trying to break it off but always thinking well maybe this and maybe that . Although I know what I should do. I’m tired of feeling last on the list and lonely, depressed, etc.

  • Mhbb

    Update , what a drama :
    I broke up with married man for about 10 days now. I haven’t seen him and I felt OK. Last Friday he texted me . I told him I need time to go through mourn, grief and adjust. Maybe we can be friends in the future. He said he is ready to be my best friend and back me as his best friend for life. He can explain to me why he was rude to me when we talk last time. I said I am not ready to meet or become friend. I need more time .
    Fast forward this morning. I recieved a text at 2am. Asking if it’s me. I answered this morning : who is this ? The another side answered : your boyfriends now ex wife. I thought his wife found out. I was freaked out texting him what’s going on. Main while I asked if she is his wife. I told her we broke up already for her. She shouldn’t let him go, he is great guy. It will be her loss if she let him go ect…. Then she replied. That’s not her. She said I am richs ex wife. I said omg. Rich is not my bf. Don’t bother me and leave me alone. Now my merried man texted me back asking what’s going on why I think his wife texted me. He wants to see screen shot of the conversation. He said I am like a cement truck with no breaks. Then he asked me who is rich. I told him a guy working in nyc who is divorced used to infatuated about me. But I have nothing to do with him. I have no idea how his wife got my number,
    I told my office manager about it later on. She can’t stop laughing saying I have diahea in my mouth. She told me if things like this happen in the future. Just tell the woman I have no idea what u are talking about. Don’t start to confess before she even asks.
    My married man blocked me in the afternoon. I am sure he is so mad and keep wondering who is this Rich. I really don’t care anymore. I become distructive to our relationship ever since he gives the ring his wife on their 15 years anniversary. I just want this relationship end ASAP so that we have chance to talk normal back to business relationship and friendship again. We had small conversation in the last a few days all very superficial and polite. I need to keep healthy bounderies to protect my vulnerability. No more sadness and crying at night. I put up the wall in my heart and he can’t hurt me anymore.

  • Carly

    I just ended it for the 4th time with my married lover. He was my old high school flame and we came in contact with each other on Facebook over a year ago. After a 40 year, lifetime apart, we started flirting, remembering the past and inevitably got together at my house. We only live 3 mile apart but haven’t seen each other in 40 years. He was always up front that he is too old to divorce his wife now and he couldn’t offer me anything. Of course I kept on seeing him. Why? I fell in love with him and he constantly told me he loved me, I was the one, he never forgot about me, etc. One of the problems is that living in the same town, so close, meant all we could do was to meet at my house for a few hours when he could get away. We had a frequent Facebook messenger relationship and a sexual relationship maybe once a week. I had a very hard time dealing with this. Then I caught him in a lie. It was minor but never the less it was a lie. I shot off two ranting, confronting, rambling emails a few days ago saying it was over. I don’t regret doing this. I got so low that I knew I had to end it to survive. BUT how do I stop constantly looking for a response from him? I still hold on to the fact that we love each other so much that he will respond and make it all right. I am living in a dream world and hurting every minute of every day. I will not try to contact him again but I want him to contact me. How do I get over this?

    • Lisa

      Hi carly, only cuz i went through it w/my ex-the bby ddy (NOT my mm)i would suggest that you make a concious and sincere decision and plan of action and stick to it, at all costs. As you said, you knew you had to end it in order to survive. There. Now your in survival mode- no more thinking with your heart no room for holding on to the love between you two or anything else that will make you weak.. you can only get over it if YOU do the right thing and rescue yourself from the dream quickly becoming a nightmare causing you pain, pain that is very real unlike the way things play out when you rely on (your mm) someone else to do the right thing. Its natural to want him to do what he should do but that doesnt mean hes gonna. Its natural to wanna see if hes tried to reach out to you -it would mean he does care and youd be validated.but if doesnt and you know he hasnt because you continuously check you only make yourself feel worse.for what? For someone who doesnt even care enough to spare you that in the first place. Until HES good and ready to reach out that is.
      Carly , its not going to be easy, at first but if you hold on, it will get easier as you see it through and in that gain strength. You can do it Carly, your worth it! I believe in you.

  • Liz

    Hey ladies, I appreciate these posts so much. It’s been a week since I broke it off with my married man of two years. I finally told him I couldn’t do it anymore if he didn’t make a choice to get a divorce- so he told me to move on. “Move on” coming from the man who had told me he loved me more than anything in life and couldn’t live without me. The man who wanted kids with me and to spend our lives together. To say im crushed is an understatement. I’ve been walking through life like a zombie. NC with him, he hasn’t tried to initiate either. I know it.will get better but the pain is intense.

    • Pat

      Hey Liz, you made the best choice…you chose YOU and that is huge. Im proud of you and the support here is amazing. Im still working towards a break up. I am tired of the “relationship”. They use you for as long as you allow them and they go back to their wives until they meet the next victim! Its a vicious cycle for some of these men. My MM has cheated before he told me he was in love with the woman and she was married as well. They were together for 2 years. That tells me he is not ever leaving his wife. He will just continue to do this until he either gets caught or she leaves him. I also know he enjoys long term relationships, it is comforting to him. I just keep telling myself, self you do not want to waste 1,2,3 + yrs on this person who cannot ever be yours. I am trying to move on, its just hard…so again, i am proud of you for choosing YOU.

    • Leezil

      I think we should all stop being so stupid. These guys want their cake. They will never leave their wives. I started NC on May 20. This is the longest we ever went without contact. I told him don’t contact me again unless u can give me what I want. I also included some things I found on the Internet about MM being lost little boys and lack the manhood to make a decision. He hasn’t tried to contact me. Here’s the thing I truly believe if u really love and care about someone u will move mountains to b with them.. which is y these men will never do what it takes to b with u.

  • Tina

    So technically its not even a full day one. He came to retrieve some things so i guess i have to start the no contact tmaro. Im not as mad at him about this as I am at myself. I knew better.
    I found the problem.
    Initially when i first met him, i was freshly out of a relationship where i had been lied to for years.
    I knew then too.
    Eager for attention and validation, that someone else Did/would want me, i validated my actions for all the wasted years id just given.
    What got me here today, the last time we were together, it was like what he described to me, what it was like when he had sex with his wife. I was sad and angry….as i still am now.
    But this breakup is different, yes ive tried multiple times. I feel like its gonna stick. I feel like im strong enough now to do what should have been done almost 2yrs ago. I am sorry.
    Ive resolved that whatever time i am alone will be good for me. I deserve some time alone to repent for being with another womans husband like he belonged to me. He never did. Never will. The best thing i can do is not waste any more fkn time.

  • Samantha

    I saw my guy last Friday. Since he lives 5 hours away, it’s only about once per month, as I’ve posted before. I told him that there have been times I’ve wanted to say “f you” and end it. His response, “Nope, that’s not going to happen. I won’t allow that to happen.” Yep, Mr. Jealous, Possessive Italian has spoken! I didn’t even answer him. He knows how good he has it. Ugh. The roller coaster ride continues….hugs to all who are enduring this crazy train.

  • Sbeppy

    Wow! I’ve been with this married man for 2 years and 3 months. I must say I was ok with it in the beginning because I wasn’t ready for a relationship so I enjoyed having him once in a while. Then of course feelings for involved. When I started missing him when he’s not around, constantly thinking about him and wanting to do everything with him! That’s when I realized I needed a man of my own. I’m ready to end this!!!!

  • Sushi

    I am hurting right now and I miss married man terribly. So hurt I can’t write my story just yet.
    My mind tells me that he is not the right one for me, that this is not going anywhere anyway, that is he now looking for the next woman to be with, that he is no longer thinking of me (or maybe, yes, he still does) and if I am going to go on with this it will hurt me even more. My mind tells me to break up, let go and move on. And that is exactly what I want!
    But … my HEART. This silly, stubborn heart of mine! The more my mind tells me to let him go, the more my pulls me back to him. The moment my phone rings, the faster it beats. The moment I think of him, the more my heart aches for him. And it just goes on and on.
    For once, why can’t my HEART and MIND just work together? They are pulling me in opposite directions, they are literally tearing me apart! It’s this one step forward with my mind and my heart pulls me back again in this misery!
    It hurts so bad, just so bad I can’t even write it down. The hours feel like days and I feel like a walking zombie! When will this ever end?

    • Pat

      Sushi I definitely understand your pain. I wish we all could really just walk away. It is not that simple though. Married man and I have been messing around for a few months and i am beginning to get bored with this but no matter how bored i feel with it at times my life would seem emptier without him. How did I allow someone like this to sneak in my heart/mind. I was ok being alone and taking care of my children as a single parent (atleast I thought i was) My married man fills a void and truth be told I genuinely enjoy him…most days! However, i sit and think how this is probably keeping me further away from my goal of having a successful relationship with an available man. It so selfish of him and I to do what we are doing. It really is! I can go days without communicating with him but he always reach out to me. He does not allow more than a day to pass without us speaking. He will go outside to speak with me if he has to. He will talk to me while he is in the bathroom if he has to and who knows how many ladies he have this relationship with. I just pray we continue seeking whatever we need to let GO!

    • Anonymous

      Sushi,
      I hope you will find the strength to write your story, the more you express it, the easier it will be for you with time. You need to talk it out, and to talk it out many many times. It’s a grief period (I call it “abstinence period”, read my previous post to Mara, I described how it really works in our brains). And this period hurts like hell… It hurts so much that the pain becomes even physical. I was not able to cut off all contacts with a married man, it was too painful for me, so I was doing it slowly, very slowly. Your logical mind tells you the right thing, you need to end it to save yourself, such relationships unfortunately damage woman’s self esteem, slowly killing the sense of self worth. But I do not think that it’s your heart that rules the game now. It’s because your brain got used to the “chemical pleasure”, “happy chemicals” that our brain releases during such relationships, and it’s addictive. Your brain just wants to experience those chemical “highs” again, like a heroin addict. This is why you can’t connect your heart and your brain (technically you cant tell your brain to stop seeking for those “heroin chemicals”, because brain now wants it like crazy). If you suffer a lot, and if you have access to a professional help, I would suggest you do so. Professional help is very good (but even with a professional help it will take a while to get your brain back to the normal functioning).
      Please stay with us, and please try to share your story. We are all in the same boat here, and you are very welcome to our little community 🙂

  • Lisa

    I told him i couldnt do this anymore yesterday, it was a very calm and open conversation, he told me that if that is what i wanted than he would respect my feelings-he also told me if i ever needed anything, someone to talk to or if i just needed anything, i could call him. i feel hurt and a lonliness, empty sort of hole inside. I had anxiety last night couldnt breathe finally fell asleep at 4 a.m.
    It just feels so ugly. I didnt expect to feel this way.

    • Lisa

      *im new,not sure how it works but im adding on to my previous (1st) entry…
      I guess im looking for a life line in this site by getting an understanding of whats happening here. In that i mean married mans logic, and this “type” of relationship.
      Yesterday i posted just enough to get out what i was feeling but heres my story: my grandparents live next door to married mans parents. Ive known of married man & had a huge crush on him when i was a kid. Hes 7 yrs older & didnt notice me-naturally. Over the years our 2 families have gotten close,& living in my grandparents home i personally formed a closeness w/his sister & mother. That was how he saw me.
      He asked his sister who i was & if she could ask me if he could have my number.
      Its was one year in may, & the first time we spoke of the “elephant in the room” was friday june 4. I asked the questions, he answered them. He said it was the first time he (been married 23 years)cheated. He said he didnt know why hes cheating. I asked him if he felt guilty, he answered, “sometimes i do, ”
      He said he wasnt going to divorce his wife. I asked him then why did he ask for my phone number, what were his intentions especially if he had never done that before, what did he think was gonna happen? …he said he didnt know, he just saw me and had been seeing me at his moms house and was very attracted to me.
      Over the course of the past year i can count on one hand how many times we had sex. Either because i was on my period or my (2) kids were home. we saw eachother on his way home from work usually late at night for 15 min maybe or on his mornings off for maybe 20 min or so twice every week at first then dwindling down to three than twice a month. All the while communicating via text sometimes phone. I never called him he always reached out to me. I have never been in this situation before, and i just wonder what it is ive gotten myself into.. .

  • Shay

    I am saved because he is money hungry and success driven. Just before he met me he was already planning his amazing job overseas to look after his amazing kids and nothing was going to get in the way of that – so I don’t know why he ever bothered with me but I guess love is a complicated thing.
    My God I could never have imagined such heartache and grief. We have been absolutely forbidden to see each other because he is in a different country and the wife knows about us because he lived with me for a year. Only to go back to his wife. I have never experienced love before this, in equal measure I have never experienced such pain.
    It is good that he left but it is also hard. We are in regular contact and I still love him. He supports my life’s decisions and really helps me with the big milestones I am facing. He can only call me when at work, and the sadness and grief immediately returns when I know he has gone back home after work, or when he is on his days off and can’t contact me. Ladies, what have we done and what are we doing? I have the fortunate experience that I think enables me to be more objective about it because I can’t physically see him. In some ways when your heart is in a mess with this married man it is too late. Love and connection with someone else is a very, very powerful thing. You will put yourself through all sorts of painful experiences just to still feel connected to this man. I no longer have any advice, except I do recognise the importance of having your very own goals without him and taking charge of your own life, recognising the dependence and dreaming about what you want for yourself – someone who is 100 percent devoted to you because that is what you deserve. It is painful pulling away. Really painful. It can’t be avoided but just keep on thinking about what is better for you in the long run.

  • Mara

    Well I met him for lunch today and he told me things that I already knew but didn’t want to hear 🙁 to him I’m a breath of fresh air from his stressful life 🙁 knowing is one thing but hearing it it’s hard…I’m feeling so used now…I don’t want to see him anymore! We hooked up but it felt like it was the last time, as if something was broken. I thought I meant a little bit more to him ;(

  • Lara

    I left my married man of 20 years off and on on Palm Sunday this year. I have no regrets! It can be done when you are ready. You have to be ready. Something has to hit you in the face very hard and then you realize you must end the torture. For me it was seeing my former MM hand in hand with his wife across the street from my house. How many times had he told me he was so very “cool” with her? No love no romance blah blah blah….That he was stuck with her because of the kids? Because of his money situation? I also saw a photograph of them on Valentine’s day with hearts she drew all around the picture. That is when I knew something was really wrong with the picture in my head of what I thought was going on with them and with us. And I realized he had he had thoroughly been lying to me, for who knows for how long? I realized that his wife had a very different version of the marriage than he had been telling me. Never ever trust a liar because they will lie to you too! The same is true for a cheat: Never trust a cheat because they will cheat on you! Since I left the MM I have been sad yes, I have been devastated yes, but each day my life has also gotten a little better! My relationships with my family and friends have improved. My work life has improved. I like myself better. I never knew how draining it was trying with all my being to love an emotioanally unavailable man. I never realized that deep down, my MM never even loves himself, never mind him trying to love his wife or me. He has issues. Big issues. He can never be happy with just one woman because he needs constant attention and energy 24/7. He needs constant reinforcement. Married single it does not matter. A soon as one woman says something he does not like, he is on to find another one. A replacement. My man was a waste of my time but I guess I needed to learn. Until that something hit me smack in the face! I can do better than this jerk And you can too! We women need to demand better treatment. Do we really need these jerks in our lives? If so, for what?

    • Shay

      Lara, I really feel I can relate to you in many ways. He told me many things along the way but I was getting small clues that things were not that bad between them, and most important of all my gut was telling me. But when your gut tells you and you have no obvious evidence and you still love them – that is when it feels like a murky and confusing mess, that affects your relationships with everyone and work as well.
      I relate to you because since he has been gone, I feel my spirits starting to lift (sometimes, still very up and down) and my focus at work has been better. Draining is the word – I am totally exhausted for many reasons but underlying is the emotional stress that he put me though for 1.5 years.
      I also relate to your ideas about the constant attention he craves. I have always felt that he had a big ego, and I don’t want to get into the complexities about him that I fell in love with. But basically the only reason he thought he wanted me forever was because he was lacking attention from the wife because of the small kids. I have leanrt many lessons, and this I had no idea about before I met him. I thought that anyone who could be that head over heals with me, planning a future and everything, including moving out and in with me, would be serious. He just needed attention and adoration and to feel loved. I guess we all do to some degree, but his brain was not able to work out in realistic terms what this meant for the future.
      I hope you are hurting less now and I guess you already know that seeing them hand in hand was something you were supposed to see.

      • Lara

        Shay it gets even better. Two days ago I saw them with a brand new car and her looking like a million bucks! Prettier than me for sure (I am older than she is and heavier) . (Her hair all colored and cut beautifully etc) dressed in sexy clothes etc. He had been trying very hard to get my sympathy because he was laid off after 17 years and had “no more job in the field he loves.” He clearly has some spare funds lying around! What a liar! Me the fool, I was listening to him. Feeling sorry for him. Trying always to help him, listen to him. Be the best person I could be. blah blah blah Yes my former married man needed constant affirmation and attention and never liked being alone (hence the need for more than one woman). But I was addicted to helping him too as I am very co-dependent. I need to change. This behavior on my part has only led me to disaster!! I am coming to see that no true narc (and I do believe he is a narcissist) will ever want to permanently leave a good little co-dependent girl like myself. (My former self anyhow). So it is UP to ME to get healthier and to leave HIM! grrrrr I deserve better! We women deserve better! I am sure he lies to his wife constantly too and she is every bit the co-dependent than I am or even worse! Poor thing. Stuck with that guy. yuck

    • Evette

      Thank you I can relate to this. Part of what I loved about my married man was his emotional availability. After time I’m realizing this isn’t availability or soft vulnerability it is his need for validation. His wife doesn’t validate him. He cheated before. Once I stop he will move on to another just the same. I’m not special and she probably isn’t as horrible as he says either. Thanks for sharing.

  • Jasmine

    I started seeing my married man about six months ago. I was ending a committed relationship and met him online. We have only seen each other maybe 10 times, and he has always controlled our communication. For instance, at first we only communicated through email. He would email, we would meet up, and then I wouldn’t hear from him for like 2-3 weeks. When we finally began texting and calling, it became obvious to me that he blocks my number when, in his words, “I become selfish and confused b/c I didn’t expect to have feelings for you”. We discussed this last time, over a month ago. He said he wouldn’t break communication without letting me know he needed a break. He kept that promise for all of a week. So, here I am desperately wanting to see him and talk to him, with no way to reach him. I feel like it’s over and it hurts so much. Logically, I know he isn’t mine, I know it would be different if we had a real relationship, but I miss him so much it physically hurts.

    • Claire

      Jasmine, the married man I have been seeing said and did those EXACT same things to me. So much so that it was eerie. I want to end it, I know it’s the right thing to do. It’s just so hard for me.

  • Mhbb

    The end:
    The finaly came eventually. With the continuing multiple cancelations of the dates comes the last straw. On the last post. We talked about the weekend anniversary, he either goes to watch Hamilton on Broadway with me or goes to Hamptons with wife for a surprising birthday party. He chose to go to Hamptons with her. I said that’s fine. I just won’t plan anything anymore. He called me getting very angry and rude. Saying not because he doesn’t want to go with me, it because family things coming up, he has no choice. Because his family things he has to do cancelation. Then I don’t plan anything in the future . I am like a moran ect. He started to become verbally abusive. I was very shocked a man I loved for a whole year can talk to me like that…..
    He texted me back . Kind of soft his tone a little bit, but I think it’s kind of too late.
    I wrote him an email in evening told him I can’t really take it anymore. The last two months we have more unhappiness than happiness. Sorry I have to go and best wishes to his family .
    it’s crystal clear I am just a side dish. nobody should talk to woman just to put her down. It is completely against moral standard and completely unacceptable.
    I haven’t really talked to him since my email. Today is day 2. I feel very relieved actually when I found out the man I loved doesn’t worth my emotional investment.
    We haven’t really work togather or do business for two days neither. At this point, I prefer lose business from him than compromise my intagrity to make him happy.
    I am so done. When u suddenly wake up a dream. Just to find out u just have a nightmare and what u experienced is not the reality. U must feel relieved. That’s exactly how I feel now. Love a married man just like chasing a shadow u can never actually own it. Different people have different stories and experiences. Just matter of time. We will find out …..

    • Nomad

      I feel u.. today is my day3. After cutting all contacts. He left me a voicemail asking me to call him. Can he tell me something I don’t know? That He truly love a side dish? Unless it’s free and convenient I supposed. Like how foolish and blinded I had been for past 1yr, making it so easy for him to come and go. His plate is already so full with main course, working hard to survive, doting father, responsible husband.
      Stayed up late and waited for his text but just to get clichéd ones like how’s ur day, is everything ok, goodnight etc.

      I’m relieved that I could sleep, I could stop checking if he’s online or if he is, why not with me? I’m thankful that I’m done with waiting.

      Is he going to ask,
      – how did I manage to quit him so suddenly? Answer is all along I’m the one who has been hurting, developed anxiety and fear of being forsaken if he’s forced to choose.
      – how can we continue? Can’t because i hate the way u treated me when u r fearful and guilty and paranoid. I hate all the waiting and hoping and wasting my life away. I hate being an option. I hate the way u said u love kids and wanted to have another with wife. I hate long wkends where I loved like a zombie whereas u were soaking in family bliss. I hate when U said u could live without me technically. I hatebeing treated like doormat, left with no choice, unhappiness outweighs happiness.

      • Mhbb

        Agreed…. Just matter of time. When we wake up. It s just a dream. Most likely , it’s a nightmare. The more you hold on, the more he takes you for granted. He will be enjoying his wife and family life because we filled up the void he missed in his marriage. The min you leave He realize what he missed in his marriage again. He still stuck with the same boring wife. Then he starts to turned around pursue u and tries to control you again.
        Just wake up and let it go…. Life is beautiful …..

    • Get out for good

      Hi Mhdd,
      I can feel you. My married man did worse everytime. From being late to our dates to conpletely missing them without telling beforehand. He lazily responded by saying oh.. “I couldnt get out of bed” or “i was with my wife. You go get yourself something to do yeah”. After some quarrel, he will decide to reply one word or silent treatment. And next the cycle begin. So yeah, they will only get worse by coming back i guess. So exit TOTALLY before they come around.

  • Mara

    At least I’m not alone in this 🙂

    I (32) met “my” married man (42) 4 months ago, when I started a temporary job. After 1 month his behaviour went from purely professional to friendly and he started teasing me. At first it was a funny game and I kept it going but having in mind it would always stay a game. But my stupid heart started whispering things to my head and I became more and more infatuated with him (he’s not my type but he is charming). Apparently he felt the same way and we started seeing each other regularly, during lunch break, and end up being intimate. On my last day (1 month ago) when we were together, we talked and he said he enjoyed our time together but we couldn’t see each other outside the office because of his work life and because it could lead to more feelings and he couldn’t allow it…although I never hoped for a relationship with him (I have a partner and a 2 yo son, he’s married and has a 4 yo daughter, we don’t really know each other) I was so sad and I spent the following week missing him…I sent him a few emails asking how he was,etc and sometimes he would reply or not…weeks later when I thought I was starting to get over him, as I didn’t hear from him for days, I’ve decided to send him an email to which he replied and proposed lunch (5/23), for my astonishment. Well I said yes and we met at a nice restaurant and he explained that he was ignoring me because he was afraid of his feelings and of risking everything he had (he’s a lawyer)…for the first time we talked, about our kids, our life, etc…I went to the restrooms and he followed me and I couldn’t resist him so we locked in the stall. We left the restaurant and walked side by side until we went separate ways. Later he sent me an email stating how much he enjoyed our lunch. Next day both of us went for holidays (separate) and he didn’t write me again, until Monday when I asked if he’s hiding or something to which he replied “No, why?” I was so exasperated by that answer that I decided I had enough and it was time to end this “thing” I don’t even know what to call it…I told him I’m unable to understand him or his behaviour and he said he’s under a lot of stress, to which I didn’t reply. Today he sent me a message trying to cheer me up but I replied that I was disappointed. I’m pretty sure I’m just infatuated, not in love, but I want this to end as there is no point in continuing and I’m the one suffering 🙁

    • Anonymous

      Oh, no, you are not alone Mara 🙂 I see yours relationship with married man is pretty short too (at this point, hopefully it will end soon for your own happiness!). Mine is much less than a year, but I started the process of ending it like on month 2. Yeah, brain gets so addictive to those “happy” chemicals with a married man, that we become hooked very quickly. Specially married man is unavailable, and it makes him even more desirable (it’s natural thing, not our fault). Plus those married men of course do everything to hook us, they go out of the way to get you in their net, so you are dealing with the best version of him, quite a fantasy, but not with the actual person. And yes, I also believe that it’s just a strong infatuation.
      I see that you are texting/e-mailing your married man yourself, and he either responds or not. I would recommend not to text/write him anything first, trust me, he will start contacting you himself, just give it a little time. He is so sure he wants to end it with you because you are available to him, you are still trying to reach out to him. Once you stop initiating it yourself and back up, you will see that HE will begin to text/e-mail you. Those men do NOT like when we disappear, it’s a damage to their ego 🙂 so that when we give cold shoulder, they go out of the way to get you back (but once you are back, he will be hot/cold with you again).
      My suggestion is RUN away from him, but if you can’t, then at least stop contacting him yourself, do not initiate contact, and notice how this trick can work 🙂 (he will start initiating it once he notices that you are loosing interest)!

      • Mara

        Anonymous, you summarised it well ?
        I believe that things happen for a reason and I lead my life based on this. Let me explain…the job agency called me on a Thursday afternoon about a interview on Friday morning at married man’s firm, without giving proper details about the job, conditions, etc. In order to prepare this interview I checked the firm website and started looking at the staff pictures. When I stumbled on MM pic I felt weird (he’s one of the 4 bosses) I still don’t know if I like it or dislike it. I got the job and a few days later I met him (he was different from his pic, he seemed older) He introduced himself in a bossy way and I thought he was arrogant and didn’t like me so I decided I didn’t like him either. Days went by with his bossy behaviour. Since I was new at the company every time someone had a problem with documents, computer, phone I would offer to help. Married man is bad with technology so he was always complaining to his assistant that something in his office wasn’t working and she was tired of it, so I offered to fix his new problem and went to his office. He was in a bad mood and barely spoke to me but when I was leaving he asked for my name (I already told him on the first meeting) and said he would call me for further troubleshooting. After that he started being more friendly and making jokes and coincidence or not we started bumping into each other very often. I suspected that he was trying to hit on me with his sudden friendly manners. He was married, older, my boss and not my type. I was a young mom and the thought of it pleased me anyway. Then we started chit chatting until he came with subtle compliments, to which I pretended I didn’t notice. It was amusing not to see him as the arrogant boss (a feeling everyone shared at the firm). What started as a game and was supposed to stay that way evolved into something else and I started liking him too. Then one thing led to another and we “dated”.
        As you said Anonymous, I’ve stopped reaching to him and he’s now texting me… I would like to know what’s the purpose of meeting him…sorry for the long novel but I have no one to share this with and to understand me ?

  • Nomad

    No contact day 2. Not quite successful as he purposely appeared in front of me in the office despite that we work at different physical location but under the same organization. He would always come back whenever I’ve decided to end it,let go and move on. I’m so mentally drained by the flip flops. I told him let’s end it on Monday (almost every other day or wkend I’ll want to end, and this time I’m not crying wolf.) so I blocked him and deleted his contacts. The moment I saw him appearing at my desk, I went weak, fought hard to act indifferent. He said he missed me and left. I was in tears again .

    Why quit
    1. You just know in your heart it’s not right.
    2. You’re miserable more often than you’re happy. Bottom line: if you drags me down and makes me feel crappy about myself and life, then it’s time to call quits on the relationship. I need not someone who leeches the energy from my life.
    3. Your values, morals, and beliefs are misaligned.
    4. Cannot handle complexity and emotional struggle – guilt, anxiety, insomnia, hurt, heartache, disappointment, waiting, negativity, lies, turbulence etc. the time and emotions are just not worth it
    5. enough is enough, no more reason to hold on which is leading to no where. He lost the craze or novelty to shower me the attention, romance me with love and lust, reality sets in, he withdraws whenever he’s hit by guilt towards his wife & kids and fear of us being discovered
    6. Neither can we be husband & wife nor a committed future together so what are we? You never once promise me u will leave your wife to be with me. In fact u always say your works would crash if we were found out. Thankfully I am also married and would stay married (but I did have a foolish thought that I would do anything to be with u). You also say we could romance and enjoy the thrills because we ain’t married to each other hence we wouldn’t be bored by the mundane experienced by the married couples. I made peace with the fact that u will forsaken me when challenged.
    7. I want to be able to sleep.

    I’m feeling so suffocated and hopeless

    • Anonymous

      Nomad, you are doing the right thing, I so liked how you outlined the reasons to stop this painful relationship. It’s hard, very (ask me how I know…), but you will feel sooo much better after you get thru the NC suffering, some day you may even wonder how you were able to be attracted to that MM. We are here to support you.

      • Nomad

        Hugs Anonymous. Day 4. Didn’t go to work to avoid him at all cost. I just need to pull through work days (Friday is crucial) and I’ll be fine, I’ll emerge stronger, why? Because he will disappear over weekends, because he will be busy with family, because he thinks I should also not neglect my family, because he feels guilty stealing moments to text me or even think of me for a second. Initially he wasn’t like this, he was crazier and texting me the sweet nothings every other min over the wkends. But now, he said he shouldn’t have lifted his bar so high so it’s time I get accustomed to reality that we have family to care of, to hide from and not to arouse their suspicions.

        Be patient with healing …

  • Don't look back

    Dear ladies,
    We are all suffering from the same insane, never-ending lie. We need to be strong. We are all being lied to and we have fallen for these guys who treat us like dirt. No matter how much he said he love you, he is cheating YOU by not leaving her. We have grown to accept such treatment. each and everyone of us has to stop our own pain. I’m trying to move out of the country, get a new job, know good friends. you get out of it completely and you get relief from the dark feelings in the heart. Peace. I have cried too many nights away, the pain as he always take me as second place, calling only when he is free, shame as people will only know you as the other shameless woman. I miss him but its just too painful. No one else can help you except yourself. I say that because i know. It’s not just blocking and NC and keeping yourself occupied. Find peace. Find meaning in yourself. You CAN Get out of it.

  • Samantha

    I’m glad I found this site. I’ve been with my married man for 3 months. We met through a FB group and chatted online for a while before we physically met. I am also married but am very unhappy, duh. We started out physically and emotionally very hard. He lives 5 hours away, so we see each other maybe once a month. We talk every day via message or phone. He doesn’t plan on leaving his wife, and I’ve never expected/asked that. His situation is similar to mine – we fell out of love with our spouses and crave the romance and physical/emotional connection we are not getting at home. Unfortunately, this man goes hot and cold with his emotions. Sometimes he’s proclaiming deep feelings and tells me he has an emotional connection to me, thinks about me all the time, misses me, then he’s withdrawn. It’s a complete rollercoaster, and I’m an emotional wreck. He’s jealous and possessive if other men pay me attention, yet when he’s busy and CAN’T (won’t) pay me attention, it’s just fine. When we are together, he’s said, “you are mine.” Not sure it’s a joke either. I’m desperate to end it, but I do believe I love him, though he is toxic to me and my self esteem. I’m at the point where I’m answering messages but not initiating. We do have plans for Friday. Thanks for listening.

    • Anonymous

      Hi Samantha,
      It’s so very similar to my situation. I am pretty sure you do not love that married man, it’s because you have a void deep inside of you for romance/intimacy and this married man just filling this void at this point, therefore, the connection with is like an addiction. See, it’s been only 3 months, and you are already on the roller coaster, believe me, it will be worse and worse with every month and you will become more and more addicted. Your married man also has a void so that when he feels he needs you to feel that void, he contacts you. Of course when he needs you to fulfill his desires, he can tell you anything, how he feels about you, how he wants you, how he is jealous of you, etc. (and the more you hear those words, the more you will be addicted to him). I know it’s VERY hard to stop this addiction, but you have a good chance because it’s been only 3 months for you and he lives far away. I, myself, was not able to cut off all contacts at once (I tried two times, but it was sooo very painful for me that I had to restart it), so that I then was diminishing communication with my married man slowly, getting slowly detached from his texts/emails (and those were several times a day before!), I can tell you – it works 🙂 Now I am already ok if I dont’ see his e-mails or texts for several days, though I still cannot cut it off completely (but will do so of course, but slowly). And I stopped seen him in person, in person meetings are the most addictive!
      Take good care of yourself, and RUN from your married man while it’s not too late!

    • PAT

      Hey Samantha! It is so easy to get caught up but extremely difficult to get OUT!!! I have been dating my married man for 6 months sleeping with him for 2 months and i am too experiencing the rollercoaster. I like him a lot and it is not just the sex. I like how attentive he can be, i enjoy how we can talk about anything, he makes me feel amazing, he is pretty consistant and he seems to genuinely enjoy my company. We hadnt been intimate for 5 weeks and it wasnt because he couldnt make time for me but it was because i couldnt make time for him. He seemed a little annoyed by that and he said baby listen i want to see you and you need to make it happen so of course I did. He knows exactly what I want to hear and it works…sad to say it but it does! I dont expect him to leave his woman for me but it is definitely bitter sweet. This site has made me feel like i have some people in my corner, the support is helpful and i can vent and not have to worry about feeling ashamed or judged. Although i havent gotten strong enough to leave, i honestly feel that this forum will help me get through this part of my life….Best Wishes to us ALL

      • Samantha

        You sound like my twin! We have plans for tomorrow not. Let’s see how I feel after. I’m trying hard to put him in the friends with benefits box and retract my feelings. I know it’s what I’m missing in my marriage, so we shall see how this works. I appreciate everyone’s replies so much!!

    • xenia

      Dear Samantha
      I am in the very same situation. Only that i divorced my spouse because we had problems.
      The married man i see lives in another town he is very rich and powerful. He is also possesive and jealous. He says that i belong to him, but although he insisted in my taking a divorce and said he would help financialy,he let me do all the procedure alone without sparing a peny. He says he loves me but he is coming only when he has free time. I see him every month or 15 days. For the first 5 months he told me he was divorced made me love him, in other words he deceived me. I am 40 years old with 2 kids and very sad.Now i know that he is taking advantage of me he comes and go whenever he wants to have fun and i feel awful because sometimes i believe that i didn’t give another thought to my marriage. So i have to face 2 break ups. I am in terrible pain but i will leave him because he may buy everything he wants with hiS money or make women go after him for i,t but he cant play with people. Hope one day he will be punished for what he does. I gave him true love but i dont want to be his toy. Its time to show some dignity as i was raised with.
      I dont wish to be treated like the other woman!!! Its not right.

  • immie

    Help. I think my heart is completely destroyed. The last year has been a long and difficult one after the wife started to suspect and our relationship has had to cool substantially. The affair itself 14 years long and he was my best friend as well as a lover and I miss him so much. Over the weekend I saw some images of a semi naked girl on his phone. I feel broken and devastated. Did I mean so little to him? I need to move on and let go, if only for my sanity, but how do I do that when I see him through work?

    • Rebecca

      Be strong, you can do this. I know it’s hard but it gets better. Did you confront him about the pics on his phone?

      • Immie

        Yes and he has denied that they were there. I also know he’s constantly texting her. I’m absolutely devastated 🙁

      • immie

        Yes I confronted him. He denies it; I know it’s true. So sad. The sadder thing is I’m concerned for him as I know the girl and she’s some 30 plus years younger than him and is throwing herself at him, and I’m certain she won’t hesitate to drop him in it with his family. At the end of the day, regardless of anything, rightly or wrongly I still see him as a friend and I would hate to see him hurt.

        That aside, I’m struggling with this so much! Any advice or just someone to listen is really appreciated!

  • Mhbb

    Update :
    Somehow I am back with the married man again after one week NC. And surprisingly we haven’t fought for a week . We went out dinner a couple of times this week. We kissed a little bit at lounge which is kind of crazy. No affections should be allowed in public because the whole relationship should be discrete. Next weekend is our anniversary. I had a couple of tickets for a Broadway shows on the weekend. On the other hand, he booked with wife to Hampton for surprise birthday party. I told him really up to him what he wants and priorities in his life. He is a grown up. Make his own decisions. It won’t hurt my feelings if he goes with wife to Hampton. Our relationship is not exclusive. We need to prioritize with families if we have to. He said he will talk to wife tonight if he can cancel Hampton trip and let me know tomorrow. I told him maybe the best if she goes first by car service and u join her the day after. Well. It’s not my business to manage his wife schedule.
    I am so tired of fighting and heartbroken. I tried nc a couple of times. I know myself well. I have read this article at least 10 times. The fact I know is that I can’t break up completely with him. I’ll be crippled emotionally .
    Currently I am just trying my best to cope with the reality. Maybe sometime soon I will nc again , maybe I’ll be stronger every time I try to leave him. But by now. I can’t . I think he might be the same. We both tired of fighting.
    Even if he can’t be with me on our anniversary. I won’t take it personal. I know the fact he will be miserable without me that day. No reason to put more pressure to him. …
    To be continued

  • Struggling emotionally

    I have been involved with a married man for 2 years. He was someone I met when I was 18. We exchanged numbers but never contacted one another. I saw him on Facebook and just sent a request. It was harmless I haven’t seen or heard from him in years just wanted to see to what he’s been up too. He accepted and quickly msgd me… I responded he didn’t recognized me but he did recognize me been the fiancé of my ex… he wanted to know when the wedding was and I told him that there is no wedding because we broke up.. we had a cordial conversation and I must say I enjoyed his conversation. He told me he was married and they were having a baby due December 2015. Again I was having harmless conversation.. I was talking to this guy I really liked and was into so it was just friendly convo… He later began to tell me he was in a dark place and his marriage has been changing n he got to the point he wanted to harm himself and he had to see a therapist. I was a listening ear and just gave feedback when necessary. We talked every day all day just friendly conversations.He finally asked if we could meet up I agreed because to me it was harmless I felt uncomfortable and I made the visit short… well he went missing for a week and I found myself missing him.. I think it was the daily conversations.. he started to become my friend. They were in the process of moving and he asked if I’d come by the storage building I agreed and I did this three times I was very nervous but he never tried anything just talk… one day he asked for me to come by and he said he wanted to show me something because he thinks my daughter would like it. I went by and when I followed him he kisses me. I was taken back and I was confused I was shocked I said I had to go. That stayed on my mind and then I realized I liked that he kissed me.. I later switched jobs and was relocated literally 4 blocks from where he worked. We would spend every lunch together.. he’d text and asked if he could come by my job and if I could come out… I’d always say yes… the guy I was seeing we had a break up and it hurt me tremendously he was there comforting me with words and being a friend… we’d see more and more of one another.. social visits started with him kissing me or touching me. I was vulnerable and I loved the attention he was giving me. I started to fall for him.. we shared same taste in music, movies, he he was into art and shares his drawings with me… I opened up and shared some poetry with him. He would say we had chemistry. We saw one another and talked so much I started to feel bad.. I tried to end it with him and would go days or weeks without responding but I’d find myself missing him. He’d reach out and then I’d slowly give in. All of this time we’ve never had sex… it was an emotional affair besides the kissing we would do. Around November 2016, I could feel his feelings for me.. they would be great one day and the next he’d brush them off. I knew he was married but I started fallen for him. He begged for me to go to his business trip with him but I declined. He would tell me he’s all into me one day and the next it was we are friends.. I expressed myself to him one day and his response was you know we can’t have feelings involved in this… my heart sank and I said since when because like I said he was sending me signals and expressing himself he even drew a self portrait of me. He took me to dinner for my birthday. I was angry and heartbroken.. I cried mainly because I felt so stupid… so that night I had it set in my head I was ending it.. I sent him a long msg and told him it was over. The next morning he responded and he was surprised he asked was I sure and I said yes and explain he said I should think about it and if he could msg me later. Like a dummy I said he could… That night he msg and expresses his self to me like I’ve never seen him do.. it made me melt and my feelings came back. He told me how much he loved me and how he felt he was tied down and obligated to his wife but he was feeling and had chemistry with me. I took him back… I missed him and I allowed his words to get to me. I felt I was loyal to him.. I got approached by guys but because of him I turned them down.. around my birthday in January we were suppose to go to Raleigh. He texted and said change of plans because his wife was now joining him I was heartbroken and very upset… but I pretend I was okay and was t worrying about it.. he came back and we just pretended nothing happened. Well his wife screenshot a pic from a snapchat convo he and I had.. he said he had to go and we had to end it.. I was devastated. I was crushed n heartbroken… I became depressed my grades for school were dropping I didn’t want to go to work I was literally depressed.. he finally reached out to me but said we can only be friends. I told him I couldn’t be friends and he agreed because he has feelings for me and he loves me.. I let him back in again… I’ve decided to sit boundaries n seek out other guys.. he started to become jealous and possessive.. is back off n dedicated myself to him… he’d get back with playing with my emotions but if I brought it up he’d say you know why I’m so up and down. I started going out with a guy and I informed him he would say he was for it but I know else. He begged again for me to go on business trip with him I declined but he left earlier and he came to my house… we had sex.. first time. I felt like whoa.. we started sneaking more to have sex.. once I went to a bar with my sisters and he was there with his wife I panicked it was my first time seeing her in person.. he noticed me and pushed his wife out of sight. He kept touching me and texting me all the night. I felt eyes burning into me and looked up it was his wife. When she made eye contact she turned her head. Even though we pretended we didn’t know one another I was uncomfortable. I left and went to a different bar. He started texting me soon as I realized I left. But moving forward she went out of town and we’ve spent every day together. But now I’m starting to feel bad again and wanting to end it. I can sense he knows that I’m wanting to end it because he uses expressing himself as a way to get me back in. I want to end it everyday I say I’m going to ignore him. I really really need to move on. But it’s very hard.

  • Jailynn

    I have a similar situation. Reading these comments really help. My married man and I were acquaintances in the gym. Little by little he kept telling me his whole life and problems. I pushed him away over and over, but he kept at me. I told him I’m happily married, but he worked months at convincing me my marriage was flawed. He was so sweet, offering to do things for me that my husband wouldn’t do. He worked his way in telling me how much he loved me. Said our connection was so unique and special. He made me feel so loved. He was so attentive, so I broke. For a year he talked about leaving his wife for me. I came first in everything, he made me his priority. Then his wife got breast cancer. I felt so awful, thankfully it was caught early. We talked and decided he should stay until she recovers from the surgery. Things went along as before, me still being the priority. Then suddenly after another few months he decides his religion is so important to him that he needs to work on his marriage because that’s what the bible says. But he never breaks off contact with me. Continually meets me, goes out with me, dinner, fun days, intimacy, says he loves me. But every other day says he’s such a hypocrite because of God. I get sick of it, tell him I need space and totally blow him off. I go away on a vacation and he texts me over and over where are you? Even drives by my house. Gets so upset when he finds out I’m away. Begs me to see him repeatedly. I see him when I return after 2 weeks. He says he realized he can’t live without me. Begs me back, says just wait until the end of June when it’s her surgery date. I agree, and everything is all loving again. 1 month later, and he’s back to talking about the bible. I’m not sure if I love him, hate him, or if I’m just addicted to the routine of him. Help

  • Brown girl

    Hi, my story is slightly different from a few here and I hope it remains a healthy one. I have known my married man since I was 17. When we reconnected he was 35, in an unhappy marriage of 2 years (no kids) and I was also married at 31, with one 4 year old child. We hit the ground running and he totally love bombed me and made me feel like I had found my souls mate. I was NOT in an unhappy marriage. I kept waiting for him to say he wanted to be with me, but he never did, never got physically intimate with me (only emotionally intimate) and asked me not to leave my child and husband. That was a year ago. We didn’t speak for about 4 months because I was heartbroken and very upset at the way things had gone down, and also felt used because I had given so much of myself emotionally (at the risk of my marriage sometimes). But then I healed and I was in a better place, and I was trying to get pregnant again. Cut to the current situation, we reconnected again. On different terms, it has been 4 months since he has separated from his wife, I am pregnant again with my husbands child, and mentally in a better place because I have made peace that he will never want to be with me and maybe that’s for the best. He’s become a bit distant since he found out about the pregnancy and not as affectionate but he’s a very intelligent man and I like having him around as a friend. Am I wrong to pursue this? I feel more in control of my emotions when I’m not NC as then I don’t idealise him in my head. The only hiccup is even the friend ship is in secret.

  • Caroline

    Hi ,
    I’ve been seeing a married man for a year and known him for 3 years ! I tried to resist him for a long time but he did all the running . I tried then to not fall in love with him but I did and now it is so hard . He says he will leave his wife for me as he loves me and sees his future with me not his wife as after 20 yrs they have grown apart . But he says he can’t until his middle child finishes his GCSEs in June . I’m sure when June comes he will find another excuse . It’s so hard not being able to call him when I need to or wake up with him ever .
    I know deep down it’s not right but I can’t seem to find the strength to finish it . When we are together it is always amazing and I do think if circumstances were different we would be together I have no doubt about that . He swears blind he never sleeps with his wife and I do believe him on that count .

  • MT

    I have been seeing a married man for 6 years on and off. We now live in different states so I have only seen him a couple of times in the past year. I feel like such a fool to have wasted so much time in this relationship. I was also married when it first started and unhappy in that marriage. I couldn’t continue to lie to my husband so I told him the truth and moved out 7 months after the affair started. I know that was the right thing to do since i was very unhappy and had fallen in love with someone else. So much has happened in the past 6 years. We have both tried to move on but only go a few months without contact. He has been saying for about 5 years he is divorcing her. He doesn’t have children. His wife knows about the affair. She knows it ended and restarted a couple of times. But she doesn’t know it continued for as long as it did. I haven’t seen him in a year now. But earlier this year we started texting and talking on the phone again. He said he was ready to end his marriage. He wanted to end it on his terms and not because of an affair. Its mostly due to money. That sounds so disgusting as i write it. How could I love someone like that? Because he knows how to make me feel like the most important person in the world. He has been the one to end things before. Saying he just couldn’t do it anymore. But it was also because I caught him in lies. I can see that now. I feel so stupid. I feel like such a fool. I did date for a few months. But could only think of him. I have pushed him to divorce. Supposedly, he asked her for a divorce 2 months ago. I don’t believe him. He says it takes time to sort things out. She is still with him. We had another fight about her still being there recently and he stopped writing. I wrote him out of weakness and he he said he loved me. Not to worry, etc. But I’ve been cold and am trying to stop contact with him. I need strength. I know he isn’t going to leave her. Its too much money to lose and she knows we have been communicating. I have wanted to believe him. I know I am being naive and foolish. I’ve tried to find someone else but can’t seem to focus on anyone else. I know it takes time. I am just trying to make it through today without talking to him. Do I call him and end it? Do I just ignore him? I don’t know. I am so tired of all this. It helps to read all of these stories and know i’m not the only one. I am an intelligent woman but why do i let this married man lie to me and use me and string me along? I feel so incredibly stupid. I would tell anyone else to get out of this kind of relationship and yet, here I am. I’m in love and my heart aches for his love. So far today, no communication. I need the strength to keep it that. thank you for all of your stories. It is helping me today.

    • PAT

      MT thanks for sharing. It is not easy but you have to stay focused on you and take it day by day. Of course I am caught up with a married man and I am starting to realize how much i want it to be over. I yearn for a REAL relationship with an AVAILABLE man. One that can hang out with me on any day and not just certain days. I want a man that is only invested in me. As i read these stories and listen to my gfriends i often wonder if it is possible to find someone that is not involved in some form of “cheating”. I wonder have a tainted my next relationship because I am emotionally tied up with another woman’s husband. I do not have the answers but I am searching. I hate that my married man is the only male I am seeing. I am sure I am not the only woman he sees outside of his wife. He is very flirty and even if he is just seeing me on the side, i refuse to trust and believe that. If he lie to her he will lie to me. I pray we all are able to untangle ourselves from this web of lies and deceit. He said he hopes he get to see me this weekend but i dont think i even want to see him. Im debating about how i want to tell him its over. Do I tell him in person or over the phone ? Its only been 6 months so i am sure he wont care much.

      • MT

        That’s what I want, too. An available man. No more secrets and lies. I doubt almost everything my MM has told me. But he is so convincing. I don’t understand this control he has over me. If he doesn’t want me then why does he keep doing this to me? just control? he’s jealous and doesn’t want me to find anyone else? All I know is that its unhealthy.

  • Lois

    Hey, ladies. The last time married man and I were together was May 8th and he was pretty much voided me like the plaque. We dI’d see each other at a retirement function but didn’t speak. Dummy me sent him an email apologizing for not speaking but didn’t want anyone to clue in our situation. He actually replied that he knew what I was doing. Ww briefly spoke last week after I had family drama and was out for a few days. He told me that he was glad to know I was okay…he never once checked on me…nothing! Once I again I apologized for my distance and he said no worries…life is too short to get wrapped in emotions. What does that mean? I just feel like he regrets letting himself be weakened and is avoiding the break up conversation again. I don’t have freaking clue but tired of the emotional drain. I know it’s only a matter of time and he will be stopping by my office, etc. He just likes to make sure that he still has me on the hook. I sure hope this time, I reject his cunning narcissist ways because I do deserve better…we all do!

  • Pat

    Hey ladies, i have a few questions…How many of you really want to be exclusive with your married man? If he actually left, and said to you he wants to be with you do you think you could have a successful relationship with him ? Do you think you would trust him ? How do you know if he really like you or if it is purely about sex for him ? Do you establish and understanding of what your expectations are and what his are etc. I am just curious and want to understand the impossible!

    I am pretty sure I dont want my married man to leave his family for me. I have been dealing with him for @6 months and sex is not a consitent factor for us but comminication is. I like him a lot, we have never said we love each other however, we seem to be friends and that confuses things for me because when i think about breaking things off. I think about losing a buddy! I want to break it off because it seems like when you go a year+ with these men your feelings increase and you begin wanting more. The first month of chatting with my married man i didnt know he was married but on our first date, i asked and he answered honestly. I stupidly thought ok well we will never be together but hes a cool guy to chat with and thats it well 3 months after that the chatting turned into amazing sex and now @6 months down the line, im trying to figure out how to let him go.

    • Beckie

      Pat,
      I would like to be exclusive with my married man. I feel he really does love me and is in a trapped marriage. Yes I think we would have a successful marriage. Yes I would trust him. He is staying with his wife because of the vows he took, so I’m trying to move on. He is not happy with her, but is trying to make to best of the situation.
      Yes, it is very painful breaking it off and letting them go.

      • Pat

        Thank you Beckie! I was just curious to know how others felt about it. I guess it depends on the situation youre in with your married man. It is extremely difficult to remove yourself from the married man especially when the 2 of you love each other.

    • Lara

      Pat here are my replies to your questions. I hope you find them helpful. My answers are in CAPS How many of you really want to be exclusive with your married man? YES I DID If he actually left, and said to you he wants to be with you do you think you could have a successful relationship with him ? YES I THOUGHT SO. OF COURSE! Do you think you would trust him
      I WOULD TRY VERY HARD, BUT IN MY HEART OF HEARTS, PROBABLY NOT COMPLETELY. How do you know if he really like you or if it is purely about sex for him ? ONE CAN NEVER KNOW BECAUSE PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE CAN NEVER TRULY BE THEMSELVES. YOU CAN NEVER REALLY KNOW A MARRIED PERSON UNTIL THEY ARE FREE AND CLEAR OF THEIR MARRIAGE. (SAME IS TRUE OF SOMEONE WHO HAS A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND) THEY CAN AND WILL LIE A WHOLE LOT TO YOU, AND MOST LIKELY YOU WILL NEVER KNOW THE ENTIRE TRUTH ABOUT THEIR PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP.

      • PAT

        Thank you Lara, I asked myself those questions and my answers were different. I want to tell him it is OVER. I started therapy and I am realizing that i am doing this with him because im lonely and i want the companionship but not at the expense of someone else being hurt. I have been in 3 serious relationships 2 of them were with habitual cheaters and liars and one of them left me for another woman and as much as i’d like to think im strong, confident and have the highest self esteem the truth is those relationships broke me down and made me feel like cheating is what happens to people so why should I care. It has happened to me with every man i fell in love with. Deep inside i know it is not right and I dont want to really hurt another woman the same way i have been hurt. I do not want to be alone either so i have to continue to figure where my happiness lies and it should not be with a married man. Good luck to us all

    • Aria

      Dear Pat,
      First of all when you are with him you can never imagine the pain of letting go even if in this time you do not love him or you don’t care about his wife after break up you will. So do it sooner let go of him there is no other way.
      Then the best way is breaking all contact, I mean All. You can never trust a man how is cheating cause there is no exception if he can do it with his wife he can do it with you and so many others.be sure you are not the only one. And don’t ask your self if he really loves you You may never no cause there is no truth and trust and reality in their life and their personality. And even if you know the answer it will not help you just can give you more pain and difficulty.
      So to let go just break all contact and don’t go back.
      Hope you succses

      • Pat

        Aria you are so right! I just hate that i have gotten myself caught up in such a tricky situation. A situation that if i stay long enough i will likely leave heart broken…smh best of luck to all of us and hopefully we continue to love ourselves.

    • immie

      Interesting you should say that. The biggest thing I have been missing and will continue to miss is the friendship we had. My days are so lonely without it, and on the whole I know his are too as we’ve discussed it when we can. In my words to him “I miss the easy relationship we used to have”. Every day it’s hard. I wish I knew an answer to how to switch feelings on and off. Hugs to anyone experiencing this horrible time

      • Samantha

        Truth – I wouldn’t want my married man. How he talks about his wife, how selfish he is. Nope. And he lives 5 hours away in a city I wouldn’t live in. I enjoy the companionship, the sex, the butterflies and romance. But he’s an asshole through and through. So no. LOL. We have to laugh, right? Or we cry.

      • Nomad

        Immie, I’m with u and into day4 of no contact. At times I’m so proud of myself for surviving day 4, at times I’m so anxious and sad when I think that this is it, he has given up trying to come back (that should be a good news and the whole objective of cutting all contact isn’t it?!)…

  • Lara

    Update
    I am moving slowly into my brand new life without my married man of 20 years (on and off). I know it is over. I am listening to Hindu chants to soothe myself, something I found by complete accident.
    These plus therapy keep me calm(er) and helps me process my pain, which is considerable at times. I now realize both my mother and my married man are narcissists and I was trying in complete vain to have them both “see me” and to “understand” me and to “love” me. Impossible for them. This is a lot to process so I am going s l o w l y. I have also turned for help to the narcsite.com and asked the blog author some questions. (He is a narc who write about what it is like to be one and how narcs behave with others and what to expect.) I am not going to lie. This is devastating stuff and it takes real work and patience and time to heal. But you know what? Each day I surprise myself in little ways. And each day I can still smile at the smaller joys in life! The littlest things make me know I am strong and I CAN live with the previous relationships I had with both of these central people in my life. I am not cutting off my mother, who is now in her eighties. My married man works next door to my house one and a half days per week and passes by my house all the time. (I bumped into him holding hands aa few weeks ago with his wife aarghhh it was AWFUL.) But you know what? That image was maybe good for me in fact. I needed a BIG shock in my face, something really strong to help me accept how much he can not ever love me like I needed him to do. He is totally incapable. Do I still love him? Well I am far from hating him. Same with my mother. I am a total empath and I have some real problems with co-dependency. So I see them and I feel for them. But, my same characteristics have led me to not take care of myself but rather dive into taking care of them as an escape from my own anxieties about life. There is hope in knowing I am not a bad person even if I stop taking care of them. My blatant lack of self care had to STOP. I implemented “no contact” with my ex married man on Palm Sunday. I was ignoring my many needs for the married man and my mother too for years: me emotional needs, my physical needs, my health needs, psychological needs, financial needs, needs to take care of my word family. This had to change and I am changing it one day at a time. It takes work to build a whole new life and I am no “spring chicken”. I have grown children! I want everyone I love to see I can and will take care of ME too. 🙂 (No one knew about the affair but they have seen my lack of self care and resulting depression). Just know, if you are at my stage it CAN BE DONE!
    Just reach out and get some help! We are worth it!

  • Lisa

    I am single and have been seeing a married man for a year now! He tells me he is happily married and wants to know. How you can love two people? If you something is not missing from your marriage why would you risk stepping out and taking a chance on breaking your marriage up? He is the one that was persistent with me from the get go messaging me! I read and informed his messages early on from the get go because I thought what could he possibly want with me? It has went from messaging, texting, calling me to seeing me! I knew better and I know better! The moment i think okay I’m going to do this and end it he keeps feeding me just that much more. He says he loves me and he wishes he could give me the love I deserve and be with me. Any suggestions would be so helpful!!! It’s hurts!!!

    • Aria

      Lisa
      No happy man will ever cheat on his family. They are faking this love stories.
      Let go cause he do not care and you do. save your self and be brave.

    • Struggling emotionally

      I agree my situation is very similar. He knows what to say to draw me back in.. he like to play with my emotions. And he has made it perfectly clear he isn’t leaving his wife because that’s not how he was raised but he says he’s in love with two women. One he’s obligated and tied down to vs one he has chemistry with and feelings. I want to end it so badly but he senses when I’m having change of thoughts and he’ll start with expressing himself to me.

  • Cindy

    I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for 9 years. We must have tried to stop seeing each other over a hundred times. I know he loves me but he can’t leave his family. He never says his wife but its fear and guilt of disappointing his daughters. Even though now they are in their mid-twenties. He keeps the dysfunction of others as his reason to stay. He has never told me he will leave his wife, he has always said he can’t leave. I understand we both are afraid of complete intimacy. I know and he knows why we have so much trouble letting go. I don’t get jealous, I don’t play games. I’m honest with him when I feel used, taken advantage of, or just feeling neglected. I tell him this without anger. When I’m frustrated and unhappy, I’ll tell him we need to stop seeing each other. I can’t change him or the situation. I except it or don’t. I will always love this man with him, without him, or with someone else.

  • Mhbb

    Update :
    I haven’t log on to here for a week. Guess what am I doing ? NC!
    Last post I posted we back together, he came to meet me twice last Thursday. Then we had major fight again on Friday. Since then , we haven’t been contacting each other for a week. Tonight supposed to be his brothers graduation dinner from law school. He canceled it in the last min just to be an asshole.
    The first a couple of days NC r difficult for me. I cried a lot. Then with time, I felt somewhat better. I went out for a date with another guy who I know likes me. We had dinner togather, he was very nice and respectful.
    Since the MM canceled his brothers graduation dinner in the last min. I called another friend out to meet. He had dinner already . It was nice of him came out just to meet me and keep me companied for my dinner.
    Nobodies really know my married man . I am so afraid being alone since I stated NC. I tried to keep my scheduled full and myself occupied at all time. The dates I went out with other guys really just keep my mind away from my married man.
    I haven’t talked to him for 6 days. A couple group texts today. He was trying to be funny. I either ignored the texts or kept professional. Very matter of fact.
    I feel with the time going on, I am a little less attachment to him . I don’t think about him as much as I used to esp after all day work and business dinners at night. Morning is still sad . I would cry sometimes when I miss him. But less frequently as the first a couple of days.
    I hope tomorrow will be.a better day.

  • Lois

    Hello ladies. It seems like I’m back at square one with my married man. Although he has not come out said it’s over, I know the game, the silence, etc and can feel it in my heart. The sad part is that in a week or so he will stop by my office to make small talk and dummy me will fall for it. Actually, I’m hoping to beat him at his own game and desperately want to be just be done for good. I have too many other things to worry about than being intimate with married men that really could careless about me. I’m tired of the emotional drain from this relationship. It’s been right at a year of it and enough is enough! Just keep me in your prayers. We can do this ladies! ☺

    • MT

      I am at this stage, too. Except that it has been 6 years of this same thing…on and off. Don’t do the same thing. I wasted so much time thinking we could work this out. Believing he would leave his marriage. Please don’t do that. I keep telling myself that if he really wanted to be with me…he would. Nothing else would matter. But then I talk to him and nothing else matters. I am slowing ending communication. Sort of like withdrawal, I will reply to his texts but don’t text him first. I know this is still weak but I am doing my best. In my heart, I think I want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me. I think acting indifferent to him would hurt more than just telling him I can’t talk to him anymore. It seems like that gives him the satisfaction of knowing I’m in love with him and its just hard to talk to him. Maybe acting like I don’t give a damn what he does will hurt him more. I don’t know.

  • Kevin

    I’m the married man ……..came on this website to understand how my Lover feels. My story we worked together for 4 years, we always had much respect for each other, never cross each other the wrong way. I was consider the good guy that everyone looks up to, a man of integrity and she was consider the good girl. With that being said small conversations with right motives turned into an affair. I love her, don’t see her as the other woman and I want to spend my life with her. I have been married for 20 years have 4 kids (ages 19 girl, 18 boy, 16 girl,15 girl). married young im 39 years old. My lover not my mistress is 32 and she has 2 kids (12 girl, 1 boy). Tried leaving she told me she cant live with herself knowing that she took me from my family but that is not the case. We have set dates to stop and she even tried breaking up with me………but we just end back up together. She is no longer at the job because of the affair but we still meet up and I feel confused because I want to be with her

    • Chloe

      Hi Kevin
      Thanks to your courage for writing in this column. I think we women here all have the same question for you. Why choose an innocent woman when u already have a wife, n u don’t have the intention of leaving her???!!! ????

    • PAT

      I agree with Chloe, it takes courage to write in on this column. I too would like to know why you would awaken a heart knowing that you are not available to take care of that heart. I am not judging you at all. I would just like to have a better understanding of this from a mans perspective. Trust me I realize LOVE is not LOGICAL and it doesnt always make sense. However, the question still remains…why choose this person knowing you are not ready to leave your wife ?

  • Pat

    I dont think i realized how difficult this whole “breaking up with a married man” thing would be! I know I am still in the early stages of even dealing with him considering it has only been a few months. Ive been saying I am going to do it for the past week or so and I havent done it yet. We havent had sex in a month and our situation is not just sexual. It is emotional as well and i think that makes it more difficult to get out of it. I get in my moods of “if he do not contact me, i will not contact him” he told me on several occassions that it seems like im too busy for him. This is such a rollercoaster ride. One minute i like him and find a way to be ok with this and the next minute I am saying i deserves better than this…I deserve a man that is not attached to someone else, a man that is available to love me. I didnt think i was struggling with self esteem issues or anything like. I felt as if i was confident, strong young lady living life but now i am like how did i find myself caught up in this WEB! I am not sure of why I am allowing myself to be someones 2nd choice. We really deserve so much more than what we are settling for. Best wishes!

    • Tryingtobreakfree

      Your message really clicked with me. It is such a rollercoaster ride. Some times I find a way to be “ok” with the sitch and then other times I’m a mess and hate him and myself for putting me through this nightmare. We have major highs and lows. The sex is out of this world amazing. We were supposed to get together today but last night got into a huge fight and I caused it. I know it’s for the best to move on and let him go. Why is it so hard even though we’re all in emotional hell? I’ve been drinking like it’s going out of style. Work is suffering. I guess I should look at it as I’m going into the summer with a clear conscience and a fresh, healthy start.

      • Pat

        I would really like to let my married man know how unhappy I am with this situation. Every time i get the courage to think i am going to say it to him i dont say it. I would like to say it to his face but i worry how he will be…why do i even care ?! This is so crazy. I have only been with him for a few months.

  • Shay

    Update.

    I think readers might be a bit bored by me now.

    I am still up and down and in pain and sometimes in tears.

    HOWEVER. Today is the first day that I have felt happy. It may be because I became angry and sent messages about everything I felt. It may be because he is leaving me alone and I am ready for that. It may be because summer is in the air… whatever the case I feel a genuine sense of better things to come, like coming out of the darkness into the light. Finally I am feeling things and not thinking of him. The things I am feeling are about me and my future. Unattached to him. It is liberating. I know that I will waver, he will probably contact me when he is bored and try to pull me back in. But for the first time I don’t want him to reach me. It hurts. No more. I really know how hard it is to let go ladies. We are all on here because we know what is best. I just hope that we all continue to push on and find happiness of our own. Somebody wrote something about being a third wheel to balance their husband and wife wheel. It is very true. Get the control back and take care of number one, which is you.

  • Rebecca

    Hi!
    I’ve been with my married man for a little over two years. I’ve tried so many times to break up with him but somehow we end up back together. We work together and it’s extremely difficult to not have contact with each other. I want to be done, I am emotionally drained and don’t want to feel this way anymore. We text and talk all the time. I want to stop all contact with him. My question is do I just stop all of a sudden and not tell him or do I need to sit him
    Down and tell him it’s over?

    • Leezil

      If ur like me I need closure. Yesterday I texted him and told him not to contact me unless you are going to give me what I need and want. I have a sneaky suspicion I won’t hear from you again. Unfortunately I did talk to him today I had no choice regarding work. I ain’t gonna lie that made me want to contact him. I didn’t. I’m going thru withdrawal right now. I’ve read so many different stories and everyone is right. If ur married man really luv u and wants to b with u. They will leave their wife and then contact u. They have no excuse except that they are spineless men.

      • Princess

        I met my married man 2 years ago thru work. At first everything was nice till lately we always had a fight because i got jealous that he always text his wife. Before he told me he will fix his marriage and i have to wait. But now his telling me he can’t leave his wife becAuse of his children. I can know that he will nver chose me but i dont know why i keep on staying with him. He never shows he care for me the way he shows he care for her wife but he tells me he loves me. I dont knw what to do i feel hopeless.

      • Belle

        Hi thank you for sharing .. i was in a similar situation. We lost contact for 7 weeks now. I told him that I couldn’t take it anymore – he made a decision to choose his wife over me. I am now focusing my life and move on. Mm brings nothing but pain. You deserve better.

  • lara

    I am feeling clearer and better. My married man and I are no contact since Palm Sunday whenever that was. I am not needing to count the days because in general, I am calmer and feeling better than I ever have been in any post breaking up period with him. And believe me there have many break up attempts in the past. It’s like this time I have gone into “neutral mode”.

    I don’t hate him; I don’t love him; I don’t hate me; I don’t hate her (his wife); I don’t hate his other women anymore. I miss him, yes, but I don’t have all the other strong emotions that bind me all the more tightly to him. These emotions are too much like staying with him in the loop of madness that was our “affair”.

    Instead, I am trying to feel as little about him as possible these days except for a welcome peace and an acceptance that I was in a very f–ed relationship for a very long time with a man who is incapable of love. He can’t love his wife; he can’t love me; he can’t love the other women he hits on. He just simply can’t. He is a classic narc and it is not in his person to know how to love. No matter how sexy and magnetic he comes off and how many women fall for him. And they do fall for him! And so did I. Big time. So now I am working on forgiving myself. And loving myself. Forgiving myself is the biggest hurdle here. This is something in my control, not his. And realizing that it is MY nature, something in ME, that attracts me to this type of guy. And this type of guy to me. This thing in me is in my control to learn about and maybe even change. The rest is OUT of my control.

    All the stuff that has to do with him is out of my control I am trying to let go (and let God). I have been listening to a lot of very empowering and free music on youtube these days and trying to just “be” with myself and “be” with my feelings for the first time in years. Example is here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ps43KwRm6pQ
    It is so powerful and healing I can not tell you. I am trying to feel some healing. He can be/do whoever he wants to be/do. I have no control over him, only ME . And in the end I have to live with me not him.

  • Trish

    So this is my story.. I met married man at work 1 year ago. It was only 1 week after we met that he made the moves on me. Kissed me out of no where when we were alone one day. I had no idea he was married. This was until one day in the break room I heard someone referring to his wife while talking to him. I was shocked. I have never been involved with something like this before. I am 26 and he is 38. I am a single mother to a 3.5 year old (his father and me co parent from separate homes wonderfully and have a great relationship for our son sake). Married man has 2 kids. One is almost 3 and the other is 8 months. When we first started having the affair she was pregnant! I am so ashamed even writing this… because it’s something I feel horrible for. Here’s the messy part. He came to Canada from Venezuela about 7 years ago. After being here for a few years he didn’t feel like he could find anyone so he decided out of loneliness to rekindle the relationship with and then marry his girlfriend from back in Venezuela. Once she arrived here they started having children right away. So when I met him last year it was the story: she sleeps in another room with the baby, we aren’t having sex barely or regularly, we bicker and argue. Etc etc. So for a while I was just enjoying the fun we had. This guy would take risks I tell you. Kiss me out in public , go dancing with me, dinners, drive and show up to work together regularly. Then I decided this wasn’t going anywhere about 4 months in so I ended it. Dated 2 other guys separately for about 2 months each. They didn’t work out. So ended those relationships too . The thing is during these relationships he was still trying to reach out to me and I rejected the advances and we remained great friends at work and what not. So a few months ago I gave in. Fell back into his arms and we started the affair again. The hard part is now there is both an emotional and sexual basis. We are connected. I am in love with him. So as most of you know I gave him the ultimatum. Tell her or im gone. So he did . And he showed me the messages. He told her everything. This whole past year… but he s still there.. and I believe it’s one of those situations where he just wanted to come clean to her but continue to have an affair. There was one single day after telling her he told me we couldn’t talk anymore and it was WW3 at home. The next day he s back. Calling me coming to see me bringing me flowers for mothers day the whole package. I feel horrible… he then spends 30 minutes on the phone with me while out getting the groceries to entertain her and their friends for a dinner party tonight. It is so wrong!!! And I am ready to let go. He can’t leave. He won’t leave. She has nobody and nothing here in this country but him and the kids. So she has no choice but to forgive him. This is not a man. I am so ashamed to be a part of this and I am happy I found a place wher3 I could sit here and write all of this down with no judgement. It is the beginning of the process I need in order to get away. I feel horrible for the wife. For the kids. I don’t even care about my feelings nearly as much as I care for those people getting hurt and lied to . Even after coming clean to her last week the lying has started again . “But you cut all communication with her now right?!” She asks. He tells her of course and everything she wants to hear. And she leaves for work and he s at My house 20 minutes later. (She works days he works evenings). This is my story. The beginning and now to be the ending. I am worth so much more and I cannot and will not be a part of this anymore. God bless all of the women here struggling to make decisions and respect to all of the women who have made the decision to leave and stay away. Strength to us all*

  • Patricia

    UPDATE:

    The married man called 1am and of course I didnt answer and he never calls me during that time. Today he called 12 noon and I let it ring until the absolute last minute because i debated about whether or not i wanted to amswer him. Well i did, we chatted for about 10mins. He asked if i had plans for mothers day and i said no not really, i just wanted to relax today. He said ok and i called last night as soon as i was done with the event and in my mind i was saying i forgot about the event so i said well I was asleep already. He said oh yea or you were tied up. That annoyed me but i didnt tell him. I was thinking like what in the hell does he mean tied up like with another man. I only deal with him and that is unfortunate for me and stupid of me. So he says well i am going to call you back, i am walking the dog and I say ok! About an hour later someone is knocking at my door and i rarely answer when my kids are not home because i know there is no one coming over to my house unexpectedly. Well they knocked really hard and when i looked out the window i saw his car and i was thinking what the hell is wrong with him and why would he come to my house without telling me. I snatched the door open and he was about to pull off so he pulled back in and got to give me a hug and to tell me happy mothers day with a card that says he admires all that i do. I felt weak right in that moment. Why did he think of me today. Why ?! I was ok with telling myself he was going to be with his wife and not communicate with me. I told myself if I didnt hear from him today i would be ok with moving forward with my life. He told me he was coming back and that right there was a lie. There is no way youre getting away from your family twice today. This is so hard but i want to tell him how i am feeling…just not sure if i should. Should i tell him and move forward or do you just move forward without having a conversation with the married man?

  • Dovhani

    Am in love with a married man right now, but your advice on how to break up gives me power and makes me strong to say it’s over now.

  • lillian

    Hi everyone dont know if there is any body here who can understand my situation. After finding out he stays with the mother of his kids I ve tried to breakup with him In vein.his totally denied. Good news is I personally can let him go I can be there and not contact him.i can be strong and leave without him because I know envetually I will heal but he cant let me heall he will blow up my phone with cals , cry plead do for me everything till I forgive. Yes ive blocked him before but he pleads and I forgive. I can go no contact for 30days but he won’t let me he will show up.we had been together for 2yrs.i envy you guys whose mm decided to end it atleast if his the one who ends it.it makes moving on easier. Your sure he doesn’t need you but if his the one begging to be in your life it is so confusing I never think it through because I can go mad. Truth I need his money too he spoils me , his young as of now we are back together but imnot the lovely woman I used to be his the one who first communicates then I reply.i want to keep it this way my be he will feel un wanted by me then he will go.i always pray to God so this man leaves whe he doesn’t contact for a day I kneel day and ask God please let him not contact me again before I know it I see his call and he explains why he dnt contact me.i was always the kind that would ask why dnt you contact, I haven’t had sex for 10days dont you think I miss it.i ve stopped all this I want to make it that im so so busy when he complains why ive stopped contacting him first I will be like sorry ive been busy like that may be he will get tired of trying to be with me and he will let go himself .what do you guys think . Because me breaking with him has totally failed its now like ajoke I think as I breakup with him when he pleads I forgive him because no man has been good to me like him.his loved my family like his it gets harder for me I don’t want to breakup with him the 6th time then after I forgive him I want to slowly pull away I want to stop caring and act so busy may be he will slowly stop caring too.As for me despite my busy schedule I will try meeting new people may be with time I will find someone great again. 

  • LucyS

    I was working abroad for 6 months.

    Early on married man popped up on my radar as a delicious specimen of a man, discovered he was married so put him out of my mind (in that way) and enjoyed the happy and innocent friendships I was making with him and his colleagues. Married man is also working abroad so his wife isn’t a physical presence so to speak.

    About 3 months in I was aware of flirty advances and one evening a few of us ended up back at his, we stayed up all night talking and I had to keep his hands from wandering.

    The guilt from that alone had me in a tizzy. Yet we started speaking daily, all-day-ly and I would have to hide my grin when his name flashed up on my phone.

    Inevitably it became intimate. And I couldn’t stop myself going back for more despite the logistical chaos and my morals screaming at me. Our friends were and are none the wiser.

    I was moving back and we ended things amicably… or so I thought. Instead we spoke as regularly – if not more – and the messages were far more charged than they had been due to the distance.

    This weekend we were both in the same part of the country and knowingly planned a night in a hotel. It was strangely cathartic as we were able to openly discuss our fears of the emotional attachment and agreed that if left unchecked we may ‘fall’ too far to recover from. So after 5 months we’ve called time. For good I think and hope.

    I’m having to go back out with work a few times this summer and will be seeing our friends so almost certainly married man too. I’m hoping that by holding back from contact now, by the time I visit we’ll be able to be friendly with perhaps a wistful glance.

    I know I’ll miss him as he became the person I spoke to first thing in the morning and last thing at night. But e both know that I deserve someone who can make me happy and most importantly is FREE to do so.

    Thanks for sharing your stories and struggles. Hopefully there’ll be nothing to update and I can start my healing journey with my head held high.

  • Patricia

    I have been seeing my married man for about 5 months, have been sleeping with him for 2 months and we have been intimate about 5 times. We never argue but i noticed the last couple of weeks have been different. He called me everyday this week except Friday and today. I knew i wasnt going to initiate contact with him because I am not as interested anymore. I must admit I thought it would be different. I cant believe I messed around with a mm. I think im done! I guess he does this all the time and gets what he wants for a few months and move on to the next victim. No one officially ended it and i am sure i havent heard from him because it is Mothers day weekend and he is with his family rightfully so. He will contact me at some point next week. I have been wanting to break things off since last week and really didnt want to do it over the phone but more of a face to face. I know i dont owe him a thing but i prefer to talk in person instead of messages or over the phone. I will let you know how it goes when i talk to him to break things off.
    Happy Mother’s Day Ladies!

  • Anne

    Hi Ladies, it has now been 34 days no contact and he has left text messages for me about 10 times or more and on two different evenings this week! but they confuse me as in most he is saying the likes of hi gorgeous please stay in touch I miss you and then he says sorry for contacting you I was out of order, then two days later tells me that he was prepared to leave everything behind for me and sorry??? does he really see me as a fool? I don’t care anymore literally.. have gotten on with my life but it still niggles away at me nevertheless.. what I want to know is what is it with these men? and why do they feel the need to maintain any type of contact at all? I am in my late forties and he in his early forties and his wife very young in her thirties they’ve a small child too.. any advice is always welcome to me, I’m just glad I can keep to this no contact, otherwise would be very disappointed in myself again..

  • Shay

    I would just like to say that I think this forum has been positive, as we have all been reaching out for support and everyone had a different story but we are all in the same vein.
    The last time I was posting on here I was intending to cut my guy off. He currently isn’t blocked and I let him call me. I consider myself lucky that he was always going to be moving overseas for a great job even before he met me. He turned against me, was manipulated by the wife he claims, moved out from our place and says he has been miserable and has regretted it since.
    Even though we don’t see each other, his words are so powerful and as is our connection at times , so much so that I still feel unable to move on, bound and emotional, also very up and down. He tells me that he is planning to make enough money to support them and his plan is then to be with me. I disregard this and tell him that, however because I love him it has a massive impact on my heart and makes me feel stuck.
    He called the other night and I warned him I was feeling too tired and emotional. I don’t have he distraction of kids or a partner. He mostly talked to he kid while on the phone to me, they were laughing and then sighed in unison. It was so beautiful, yet I had previously bonded with this child and I found it absolutely heart wrenching. Not just because the 3 year old barely remembered me and didn’t want to talk on the phone, but something much deeper that I cannot explain well. We always talked about having kids when we lived together for a year. He still says he wants kids with me and wishes he met me 5 years ago. He wanted me to bond with the child when I lived with him. Now I get the occasional phone call from work, if he is alone with the kids he calls but spends alnost the whole time sharing laughter and games with them. The second one came when we were together, and it is since that one that he realised his error and went back, although he claims it was all her manipulation by threatening to harm them, etc. I felt so emotional by being ignored and hearing him and the kids on the phone in another country that I showed my weakness, went silent and couldn’t speak because I was crying. He went soft and apologised but sometimes I consider that he is doing it on purpose. Either that or just really insightful about how much this situation has burnt me, hurt me in a way that the gaping wound is still open and it doesn’t take much to feel pain as it hasn’t healed several months later. Has anyone any feelings on this, I can barely understand why I find seeing his kids in his photos or hearing them interact so unbearable. He claims he thinks about me every second. That I am his life line. And a very surprising one yesterday… that he is dependent on me.
    I know anyone’s advice would be cut him off and I have tried. I want to be liberated. I have not felt happy or carefree for a long time. I long to open that door to other chances. I just can’t let go of him.

  • Lois

    Well ladies, I just don’t know where things stand since we had our moment of weakness on monday. Him and I have spoken briefly just casual conversation. Sadly, i am hesitant to even bring up the conversation because im don’t want to have that gut wrenching feeling again. Yet, i have this overwhelming uncertainty feeling that weighs on me. I know its mother’s day weekend and he will rightfully be with his family. I don’t expect him to not be with his family. I just would like to know where we stand. I started an email but didn’t send it. I sent it to my work email and will review tomorrow…most likely won’t even send it. I know he struggles on the weekends when he us around his kids. He apparently had a dr appointment today and asked how it went…he said fine. He still hasn’t mentioned his new position or moving offices. I’m I that pathetic to want to be with this guy. He hasn’t said much to me since we got together on Monday except casual good morning, etc. Once I again, I gave had to initiate the conversation…guess he regrets his moment of weakness. I have no clue. What should I do : have no contact with him all weekend and avoid going to work retirement function tomorrow, have no contact and avoid him at retirement function and or ask him where we stand. See what I mean about why we do this to ourselves…do you think he’s worried like I am…no clue because he won’t tell me his feelings. Ugh.?

  • lara

    I am still no contact with my married man. we were off and on for 20 years. yes gulp 2o years. he has worked next door to my house all that time 2 days per week too. i have broken up with so many times and in so many ways i have lost count! in fact out of 20 years we have been “together” I have left him and gone no contact (!) for at least 9 of them i would say. Complete no contact. and each time MY decision 🙂 at one time i built a giant fence between our properties at the urging of my friends who could never for the love of them understand what in the hell I saw in HIM? I was single i could have single men “what the hell was i doing with him?” they would ask? “what do you see in him that we can not see” they would ask. Hell if I know! I LOVED him. That is it. That is my complete reason. Love. i have had other relationships with other men since knowing the MM and have gone to graduate schools twice! my kids have grown up; his kids have grown up; and the small tress that once were between our properties are now BIG ones. the day i decided to take down the fence (i thought i was strong enough to resist him) he was there in his chair outdoors, sitting, waiting, always so confident like he knew i was dumb enough to go back to him. and i always did! go figure. I always felt until very recently that he was my one true love, my soul mate! LOVE . LOVE. LOVE.

    anyhow we are no contact again and i do not even go outside when he is around. i have put up curtains gotten sun glasses park far away from “his corner” and blocked his telephone and text and email and facebook and everything else i can think of. and i, too, am trying NOT to indulge in thinking about him too much. I think I gave this man ENOUGH! already! I think I thought about him and his problems and his needs and his marriage ENOUGH! already. Now it is time for me to take care or ME. In fact I told him something like that when I left: I said I am leaving to take care of MY family MY life MY house etc. Because in all the years I had with my MM there was never ever a true “US”. It was all about HIM. ugh just call me stupid. But i think from reading the comments on this blog from about a year ago (i have been scrolling waaay back) that I am finally beginning to understand this inexplicable and crazy attraction i have had to my MM….I think perhaps I have been dealing with a classic “narc” for a very long time and never even knew it! and that would make me a classic empath and a co-dependent as well. (which fits pretty well)

    So you ladies going no contact PLEASE scroll back in all these comments and read read read and see if you too perhaps can find a pattern which fits your situation? and maybe just understanding this pattern will finally give each of us the key to breaking FREE AT LAST????? sending hugs, Lara

  • Mhbb

    Update :
    Today he apologized to me again saying he was so worried about me yesterday , almost drove down to me to give me a hug and apology. He said he should never have spoken to me like that and the feeling kills him. Then he sent me a puppy picture told me he would be lucky if I adopt him as my puppy . I can scratch his neck and he can poop all over my kitchen . I can’t get mad of him anymore. I said I forgive him. We r trying to keep the peace until our first anniversary which is next month. Late night he sent me a song ” now or never ” I listened to it said I guess it’s now. Keep u around forever. He replied” forever !!! ”

    I feel two of us like psychopath. Fight like a cat and dog one day, I made big decision back to nc . Less than 24 hours. Stuck back toather again
    PoPo I 100% agree I act like a retard back and forth . Everyone has brain would think I am super stupid. Being manipulated by this MM all over the place. Guess what, I am still in denial. I am so afraid of the pain and loneliness of breaking up. I never fell in love so deep with a man like this before. He throw me a crumb . I happily took it and waiting another one.
    Popo u were saying if he loves me enough , he should leave his wife. But I don’t want to break up his family being the another woman. His wife married him since she was 18 years old. 3 kids. Never worked a day in her life. I know she loves him a lot. She is very traditional Italian lady. She would be devastated if he left her. He asked me a few times if I am gonna divorce. I will be so scared to change. I so get used to my family structure. I don’t want to change….. I don’t have any expectations of result in our relationship. I want to have fun. I am still looking for someway to breakup without going through the agony…..

  • Angel

    This story goes back to 14 years ago. To when I first met him. We met at a club, we were 23 and I didn’t know at the time he had a girlfriend (now wife), the mother of his two children. We dated off and on for 4yrs. 3yrs after we met he married his girlfriend in an impromptu vegas ceremony. We would write letters to each other and during one letter I asked him if he was married? All the signs were there. He admitted it and I broke it off with him, never looked back. Well one whole year goes by no contact almost forgot about him. I meet someone else and though not in love get engaged to this man. Shortly after getting engaged I received a letter from the married man. Which I decided not to read. I married my finance. Well. Since I married him for all the wrong reasons, it’s safe to say we started having problems in our marriage. It was 6yrs after I received and didn’t read the letter from my ex lover, My then husband cheated and we separated. I was vulnerable and my ex-lover contacted me on social media around the same time. We met for coffee, during that time I found out he was still married and what that letter all those years before said. The letter said he took that year of no contact and thought about everything and decided at that time he wanted to be with me. But that now he was working on his marriage with his wife. It had been 13yrs since we first met each other. But he would flirt with me and eventually we started “dating”. During this time he tells me he’s torn between me and his family. We actually both go back and forth about wanting to be together, we were not having sex at this time. For 9months we talk, message each other daily. We have lunch and coffee together frequently. I’m constantly torn and go hot and cold. This January he went on a family vacation, during this time he messaged me he missed me, I was getting tired of everything, so I sent a snark remark back. He didn’t contact me for 2weeks. Then he used fb messenger to tell me he couldn’t continue our “relationship”, he owed to his wife and family to try to work it out, I responded with a simple ‘k’. Hours later he messaged me again saying he wanted me, a week later we had sex. Then he went cold. And stopped calling and messaging me for 2 weeks. Then came a lame apology. Then everything just changed after that and two weeks later I harshly broke it off again. There was no contact for 4wks and for months very brief messages here and there. This has been the hardest thing to do let someone go I love who clearly doesn’t really love me. But it’s just all too exhausting and I’m tired and I deserve more. At times I feel like telling his wife but I know that wouldn’t help it hurt any less. I’m trying to let go completely but I constantly think about him. Clearly he is doing just fine without me n his life. He didn’t love me and your married man doesn’t love you!

  • Needurprayer

    Like every girl here, im in a relationship with a married man for about 6mos. I am single…it’s hard for me to let him go….He is my childhood friend and best friend…he was married for 22yrs….but 6mos.ago he told me that since our childhood he loved me but he was so ashamed with me and had no courage to court me when we were grown up because of their life status..we separate lives after HS and had communication here in social media…i loved him as my bestfriend and i admired him for protecting me when we where in HS…we had a chance to see each other 6yrs.ago but as friends…last year we had a chance to talk to each other again here in social media and the friendship turned into a relationship….i dont know why i allowed myself in this kind of relationship because i have God in my heart…all my beliefs were twisted because of what i am feeling for him right now….i want to let him go for i know this is the right thing to do but when he calls me i cant resist and avoid his call….i want to go back to GOD…pls. Pray for me…

  • Mhbb

    Update :
    The friendship transition really didn’t work for even one day. Yesterday a small business related text very soon escalated to a full blown drama. Initially I questioned his company staff slow responses , don’t mix with personal with business. He was very upset calling me ” insecure, fucking annoying, Low blow to his integrity , if I say that one more time. He won’t work with me anymore…ect ” then he hang up. I was shocked and left speechless. Right away, he texted my office manager to calm me down and text me again Saying he will never stop working with me, I need to balance myself. Ect. I was so devastated and didn’t reply. Later, he texted my manager again to check on me and told her he can’t show his emotions otherwise I get crazy again. Then he texted me said I am an angel deserved to have peace and happiness. He honestly don’t know how to step away in a healthy way and He is so sorry. I was left so heartbroken. I didn’t reply. My office manager told me just keep distance for now. It’s too heated. Not healthy.
    Here I am, in the middle of night crying , sleepless and still in shock. I guess it’s impossible to transition from lovers to friendship. I am living in a lala land. There is no painless break ups. Pain is inevitable….. I think I am going to restart nc again. I am in agony…..

    • Rhea

      Mhbb,

      There is a reason why experts say that you can’t be friends with an ex – not when you have deep deep feelings for them. It’s torture. It’s like picking at an open wound over and over again.
      There is no way out except to feel the pain. I have not in touch for over 2 months and its quite painful. I miss him tremendously. There are times when I want to hear his voice. But my ego stops me in my tracks. Thank God for egos. This is one time that it serves a purpose. It keeps you from being a doormat. I think that no matter how much he is making this appear like it does not affect him, it must. And if I am in my office and my mind is wandering, then at some point, he must hurt for me too. And if I reach out, I feed him – give him a little relief. I won’t do that. I want him to punish.
      It gets better, I promise. It is not like this every moment of the day.

  • Patricia

    Hi Ladies, I am having so many mixed feelings right now. This Saturday will be week 3 of no intimacy with my married man. He tried to get with me but I have my own life and I’ve been busy. One day last week I talked to him and he said he was off early, I asked if he was going to his game, he replied yes. We ended up getting off The phone because I met up with my girlfriends to have a drink. However, the minute I was done I went straight to his game, I was the only woman out, actually I was the only person out there watching them get their butts kicked. I stayed for a while but it was a little cold so I left. I had called him prior to me going to the game and he didn’t answer so I was sure once he was done he would contact me. Well, he didn’t! That annoyed the he’ll out of me. I felt like, he should’ve shown his appreciation for me making time to watch him play (I probably sound ridiculous but oh well) his wife never comes to a game NEVER! That’s what he told me and he has played for a few years. I didn’t hear from him that day but he called first thing the next morning asking me almost immediately why I didn’t stay. I said, I had to leave he said why I said because I had to go he said pick up your child and I said yes but that’s not why I left. I left because I wanted to. He said well I left my phone in the house so I couldn’t call you to tell you to wait for me. I said OH! He called me later that day I didn’t answer (I was busy) he called and hour after that I didn’t answer (I was still busy) I returned his call about an hour or so later so of course he didn’t answer. I went out to a friends house and he called when I was about to leave and I ended up talking to him. We didn’t talk long. The next day he called around 9pm and I had not called him at all that day. He asked me what did I do and I gave him a run down of my day. He said he took care of the business he told me he had to take care of and was at home all day. He doesn’t know but that annoyed me. He waited until 9 to call me and talked to me for about 5mins and he couldn’t find time in his day to reach out to me when he was able to give me more than 5 minutes. Sunday he didn’t call and I sent him a message about 9pm saying he was on my mind ALL day. No reply from him but of course Monday morning he called, I ignored and didn’t bother to call back. Tuesday he called I ignored it and he called back 30 mins later. I waited about an hour and called back. He said, well what’s going on i lied and said I was in a meeting and he said well that explains why you wasn’t picking up. He said well I am going to call you back when I’m finish with this work. He called back about 5pm I didn’t answer. He called back at 7pm. I returned the call 45 mins later for him to say he was helping his son and he would call back…well of course he hasn’t called back he won’t. I’m getting bored with him. I guess because we haven’t been out in a few weeks and I haven’t had a good conversation with him and I haven’t been able to see him. I want to tell him I’m bored but don’t want to upset him or hurt his feelings. (It’s crazy). One day I want to leave him alone the next day I can’t wait to see him or hear from him. It’s so conflicting. I just wanted to VENT! Thanks for allowing me to do that here with no judging.

  • Heartbreak

    Hello everyone. I was writing in at the beginning of this year when I was just a few weeks out of a nine year relationship with a married man. I loved him like I never loved anyone on earth. He chose to break up with me because he couldn’t give me what I wanted. His reason, not mine. I was in agony like all the other women who are posting here. It was hard for me to go minutes without my mm, forget about days and weeks and months. But I did it. I got out of it. It’s been six months now. Six months that were the longest months I have ever spent in my life. In these six months I have lived and died a thousand times. But I survived. And I am here to tell you that if I can do it, so can you. All of you. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do, but you will be so proud of yourself when you are free from them. I didn’t stop loving my mm, but I don’t need him and I am happy to live my life. Each person who leaves you in despair, is there to show you a life lesson you need to learn. Try to find out what that is, and work on that. Work to create a version of you that your mm can never reach or aspire to. Do it. You can. People like me show you that you can. No one can stop you, you stop yourself. Let go of the mind fueled drama you created in your head, let go of your belief that you can’t live without him, and you will see that you can. Trust me as someone who bent but didn’t break. Love to all of you. I have an email at sammyoreo2017@gmail.com. I will be happy to chat to anyone of you who need a sympathetic ear.

    • MT

      thank you. I need to read these words of encouragement. I look at my phone constantly. Hoping he will text me and knowing that its better if he doesn’t. 6 years of this drama is enough. No more. Please give me strength to finally let him go.

  • Clair

    And what is really sad and shocking is to see how many married men are unfaithful to their wives! I honestly felt Like I was the only one but obviously I’m not.

  • Clair

    Well it’s been three weeks since we have seen one another but we have talked. I have many mixed emotions. He says he still cares for me like he always has and wants to see me but doesn’t know when since he’s busy with work and all that. I told him when he gets to where he really wants to see me he’ll find a way and he doesn’t acknowledge it. I say well have a good rest of the day and week and weekend and message me if you get to missing me and just want to talk. He says I will. Thanks. I hope you do to. I mean he’s talking to me like he doesn’t know me and he just met me. Its ridiculous. I said on my geez. I’m not someone you just met so quit talking to me like you don’t know me. He said I know that. I told you I had tons to do. That’s it. I said Ok. Bye Handsome. and he just says Bye. I said You don’t have to text back but beautiful at the end of your goodbye would have been nice to hear since I said handsome which I meant unless I’m not supposed to say that and if not then sorry. I mean I do not get it!!!! He wasn’t less emotion with me and him but we have been together for almost 2 years off and on so how can you go from emotion to almost nothing?? He’s probably mad at me now but I mean really? How hard would Bye beautiful or something like that would had been? And I said I have mixed emotions because I don’t know how I need to think right now. Should I just start thinking and doing things as getting over him or really just sit and wait on him to text? I’m asking cause when I have two ways of thinking with him. When its breakup time I’m thinking one way and when it’s not breakup time I’m thinking another way if that makes sense. I know I could end it all and just not answer his text if and when he does text me but like we all know that’s hard because I know he’s a person to and has feelings and I start feeling sorry for him but that’s just the way I am. I’m driving myself crazy literally.

  • Lois

    My emotions got the best of me yesterday and caved…do I regret it…a little. I had no intention on it happening…it just did. I had to speak with him about work and his flirty smile melted my heart. I ended up sending a chat asking how he was feeling. He said physically better but was struggling with us. I expressed the same feeling. We truly do have a unique friendship and it’s hard not having contact. Of course, I have my ris colored glasses on right now because I don’t have that gut wrenching empty feeling. I know it’s only a matter of time and he will end things again. Honestly, I think a little more of me let’s go of him each time that it happens. Yes, we get back together but not all of me…if that makes any sense. I can remember how I felt the first time or two and I was emotionally distraught for a couple of days. I would email or text him trying to patch things back up because I didn’t want to lose him. Now, I find myself at first numb and then reality sets in and a have a day or two of being bummed out but not distraught. I usually start the no contact because it’s easier for me and don’t want him to know he got to me. I think part of the reason that I do handle things better is that in the back of my mind I know it’s a matter of time and we cave to the desire. For the first time yesterday, we held each other like we never have before…it reassured me that he truly does care but we our situation is complicated. I honestly don’t know what tomorrow or next week may bring, so I’m taking it one day at a time. He may already regret weakening yesterday and ready to tell me once again it’s over. Eventually, I will harden and less of me will want to be with him…who knows, I may decide enough is enough before he does. Just hang in there ladies and don’t beat yourself up because it is hard to care so deeply about someone to just walk away and turn off those emotions. We are women and feel differently than men. I will keep everyone posted. Sending my best to all of you.

    • Kelly

      Lois, what you say is so true in that every time you break up and get back together, a part of you doesn’t. I’m going through that right now. Every time things go south I wonder why I am even here in the first place. I’m one step closer to being out the door for good and onto a more healthy life. I’m happy he doesn’t live even remotely close so that when things end they will really end and I won’t have to worry about seeing him again. I feel numb right now and that’s sort of a good thing. He’s helping make the decision that needs to be made.

  • I thought I was different

    Well, I tried to implement the no contact order and didn’t make it 24 hours…. Please someone help to try and stop this vicious cycle of pain, numbness, sadness, etc.

  • Mhbb

    My day … Updated :

    Thank you Popo for the inspiration and thank u Rhea for understanding. We made mutual agreement last night that we should break up again for good. To avoid the pain, we r going to transition to be friends. We met tonight for dinner and drinks. He said time goes fast , it’s may. I told him yes, I predicted we can never pass a year. We r done before one year statue and the soul mate theory is bullshit . He looked sad. He said that I only look at short term. He looks at long run. We will be friends forever. Inseparable. I said we should see.
    I feel the one week nc I did a few weeks ago really helped me a lot as far as clingy and dependency. I really don’t feel any craving about him physically as much as used to be. I want to meet and chat to avoid severe emotional pain.
    He said its all about business. You meet me just want business. I said if I just want business, there is no reason for me to meet u every week . My time is more valuable. It’s over and I just need time to transition to friendship.
    The end of dinner we waved at each other before we went seperate way. It’s very different than we used to be. We were used to kissing or cuddling a little bit in the past. I guess friendship supposed to say bye and leave.
    I feel good tonight . I hope we can end this in a nice and peaceful way. Instead of going through agony and suffering.
    Maybe it’s not doable after a few weeks . But I am gonna try . Because we work so closely togather. It’s impossible for me to go silent or disappear forever .

    There is saying ” love can never transition to friendship. If you did , you r either never been in love or u still not getting over with each other” .

    I’ll keep updated. I’ll let u know if it’s possible.

    • Popo

      Mhbb … Forgot to also mention that my married man and I also tried friendship. That also went nowhere fast…. There is no rationality in affair thoughts. You are so drowned in pain you can’t see light from day and I have been here where you are so many times when I was with mm…

      Think about it, the only person benefiting in a ‘friendship’ arrangement is him. The truth is you do not really want friendship -you might be great friends, yes (in affair thoughts this often totally overrated), but what you really really want is to be with him. Only you and him. Not him his wife and you. You are hoping through the friendship he will realise what a great person you are and make the change. He has shown you over and over his family comes first. Offering your friendship is one sure way to cement his marriage even further for sure!. It’s called the 3rd wheel effect. Mm are happier in their marriage when you the 3rd wheel is providing the balance. Don’t be used. He had given you crumbs and you gave him cakes, cookies (your heart)… Now he is STILL giving you crumbs, you want to give bread (your friendship). Why are you giving him the best of your both worlds…. Why? Because you think it will hurt less. It won’t babe…
      Its just a matter of time before you are dissatisfied with the friendship itself. God forbids if he finds a girlfriend and starts telling you his rubbish stories. It’s gonna double hurt.

      If he was really your soul mate he would leave his wife for you. Maybe he’s your soul mate but you are not his because he hasn’t valued you enough to make the change. Do not short change yourself. He doesn’t deserve your friendship. You are too valuable. You need to first totally heal where you completely feel nothing for him to even consider friendship. Right now you will just be fooling yourself…
      Xoxo….

  • Thought I was different

    I’ve recently found this website and I have hope that there are people like me going through the same thing I am and they are still breathing. I on the other hand feel like I am completely empty. I met my married man 2 1/2 years ago at work. We had worked closely together but began to get closer when he was going through some things with his kid. One thing led to another and we began to text, followed by afternoon walks just to see one another. His wife found out about us 6 months after we started. She called to tell me good luck with him! So, for the next 2 years, we have spent a lot of time together. He stopped staying at their house 6 months ago and just goes home to shower. I do know this because I have visited in his temporary housing. I am really in love with my mm. We went on vacation together, several weekend trips, trips with both his brother and sister. I would always ask if he loved me. He responded and said more than any other woman ever before and he loves me more than his wife. His wife met with a divorce lawyer and started proceedings and their house was going to be put on the market. His belongings came to my town storage and other things to my house. However his wife never filed papers and house never went up for sale. So, because she wasn’t sad about house going up for sale, this sparked curiosity in him. I asked if he had to find dirt on her to justify what he is doing. So, needless to say about 2 months ago, he told me he agreed to 1 session of marriage counseling with her! Whoa!! This kicked me where it hurts! Why? Why live apart for 6 months and go through the motion and then agree to marriage counseling??? But yet I stayed. It’s been 3 weeks since their first session and she hasn’t made an attempt to see him. It is obvious she has gone her separate way but yet he is still trying to hang on. I really thought it was me, thought I was special. Thought I wasn’t just “the other woman”. Last night I put my goodbye note together and sent it. I can’t do this….. another session they have tomorrow but yet he still tells me he believes in us and our future!!?? My head is all sorts of messed up. Day 1 of no contact and someone please tell me I’m doing the right thing???????? We were really best friends. I know so much about him and his life. Even his wife. How much money they make, 401 info, debt, history, etc. Why? Why tell me all this if he had no intentions of being with me? Thought I was different……

    • lillian

      Hi thoughts I was different I know what you r going through. With mine his just cohabiting with her but its no different. He tells me every thing when we started dating he told me his a single dad when I found out the truth he denied ever staying with her but his never taken me to his house he tells me its me he wants to marry but his doesn’t act ive dumped him 5times im now tired he will apologise threaten to do a lot to himself I find myself forgiving him.
      Stop asking yourself questions u will nevrr get answer just do as im doing start moving on slowly keep pulling away slowly if he acts right good if he doesn’t continue pulling away by caring less making yourself busy if his yours God will make it happen but if he aint yours though you tag along for years.it won’t be easy but just try for your sake
      And pray to God he will direct you

      • I thought I was different

        I just wished I understood how married men go from one side to the other in a matter of seconds?? Session number 2 in the books and I know everything that went down. Why? They took individual surveys that said they shouldn’t be married but yet he is making excuses. Like he is obsessed with her but still expects a goodnight text from me and tells me there is still hope?? Really? Why say this? I’ve read on here (which is super helpful for me) that you come to almost hate them. I’m trying so hard to do this. But then I get the text telling me now if I’m not talking to him, he has no one. Shouldn’t that be his wife???? Should I be happy or sad that he will never be happy with her??? So am I just that stupid I even care at all? I’ve started to make some goals for me and just me….. but I still think of him. How? How do I just let go???? I want to in the worse way!!!!

  • Liz

    What a mess we weave.
    I’ve been single for 12 months. The married man I’m with is also my best friend. We have been “besties for at least 6 years”. We have worked together for 18 and driven to and from work for at least 10 years. This is why our relationship is easy to hide from others as people have seen us “together” for many years.
    I never played up on my ex husband. My MM has always had affairs. He is not happy with his life and he hasn’t for many years.
    I’ve known all of this and all of what he has done over the years … yet….. 6 months ago, he came around early hours of the morning and layed on top of my bed and said “it’s time you and I got together”. We spoke about a lot of things that night. What he needed and I brought up all the what ifs”. He had an answer for everything. And as it turns out. We are still together. He often says he wish he knew me before he met his wife. I don’t like it… I feel guilty one minute and want to end it… when he’s not here, I want him with me… I wonder about his family and what he’s doing with them.
    He has been honest from the start. He cannot leave his wife as his kids will never talk to him. He does nothing but fight with his wife and he’s not a happy man. Yet, that’s what he tells me.
    I’m to involved. Sometimes I feel like I’m married to him, yet I’m not…..
    I am open and honest about everything. Except my feelings about this situation. I know this is no life for me… I sit around waiting for him… we can’t go out together for a meal or movies… incase we get seen. He is a generous man and has always been, but he loves me… I love him… if I need anything he will always be there (if he can) And I will always be there for him.
    I need to end it. I’m worried our friendship will never be the same.
    I am at my wits end.
    I hate knowing what I am doing behind his wife’s back…as I have always told her she could trust me (as I thought she could).
    I am such a mess…. I don’t think I read anywhere…. that it was meant to be easy … there is no gain anywhere in all of this mess.
    I give him everything he has never had all through this married life. (Which is coversations – laughter – amazing sex – attention – no demands).
    How do I end a relationship with him. As not only is he my best friend – my lover – my work colleague, but also MY ROCK.
    But, the longer I leave it, the harder it will be.

  • littlewoods

    I have been dating him since September 2014. He has practically chased everyone away. I took a chill pill from him September 2016, and he made contact in December 2016. He visited my parents and said he will go the whole nine yards with me if I would be ready to take on this challenge ( December 31, 2016). He tries to spend time with me as much as possible- we live in separate towns. He lives with his wife. It is his birthday today! I can’t post a comment on his timeline. I am so conflicted, jealous, angry! This is dark ! I will take another chill pill… I am 38. I want a child- this is the reason!

  • Lois

    Hey ladies. I have been taking things day by day. I have not had any more contact with mm but I took off Friday. I have to admit that he was on my mind quite a bit especially after seeing him and his wife together. Ugh…I had a melt down and was really upset. I stopped by work and found out that he claimed new medicine made him sick so he had to leave early. This is what I am talking about…I don’t know what the truth is but he definitely wasn’t home sick. Surely he’s not making up his sickness but I do have my doubts. I hate being like that bit dang… I have to say that reading popo message was very encouraging because I’m tired of hurting and feeling like this…I couldn’t even sleep Friday night because I was so upset seeing him with his wife. I can’t wait to be free of all the heart ache and self torture. It will be 2 weeks on tuesday since he ended things. I was doing fairly well until he stopped by on Wednesday and then the feelings erupted Friday when I saw mm and his wife. Im proud to say that I have not had any contact with him but who knows what tomorrow will bring. However, I’m planning to keep my distance…Will keep you posted. Thanks for listening.

  • Mhbb

    I think I am so weak and I met him again today after he suggested he wanted a drink so bad to celebrate cinco de mayo. We sit at bar and drinking and chatting. He asked me to promise him if he divorces, I need to divorce the next day. I asked him: r u planning to divorce? He said no. Then I asked why u asked me to promise u. He said ” in case I divorce, I don’t want to alone” . He is such an asshole.
    It was a fun dinner and we went seperated way to home after cuddling a little bit. I think i am back to square one. I don’t even know I should continue writing in the comment section following this article. Maybe we r going to fight again and break up again next week. But the love is irresistible and I feel safe and strong when I am emotionally being with him. I felt so sad and lonely when I was doing NC. We r so helpless romantic being togather. The guilt and the moral standard become secondary. I think I am going to take a break from this blog until I decide to break up again with him. To be continued

    • Rhea

      Mhbb,

      I understand your feelings. The thing is that you need to come to terms with ending this on your own. It is extremely difficult to break this addiction but like with any others, it is possible. I think that the feelings that you feel – emotional security – is temporary. I feel sad all the time and I miss him so much, my chest hurts. But I feel a peace. Like an addict who is letting go of the addiction. So to sum up, I feel pain and peace. Weird, I know. But I would rather take that then being on cloud 9 for a few moments and then feel incredible uncertainty the rest of the time.

      You need to process this in your own way, on your terms, in your own time. I am confident that in the end, you will know what to do.

  • Popo

    Ladies… Here is my update; It gets harder coming here to update- A funny thing happens after you srart healing; The grieving starts diminishing and you tend to forget. I believe a lot of people from a 1000 posts down below never came back to tell us how better it really gets. It really does. I also haven’t come because I have been avoiding talking about him (mm) by focusing on other things. I vowed though that I have to come back and encourage others to seek this peace that I am just starting to experience. My life really feels like a new beginning. I always thought I had a dull life before mm. I was wrong. How I longed for that peace and joy after the pure pain and agony my relationship with mm took me through. Its true what they say… Hindsight gives you a 20/20 vision.

    Recap: Dated a married man from work for 11 months. I’m married which begs the question. Why? I often harshly judged people who had affairs. Never thought in a million years I would be one. Almost a year of my life, I was with this man. Met at work – he’s an executive, my bosses boss. I’m also an executive. Not my type at all. Needless to say I fall completely in love. Madly. Deeply. He says he has never felt that way. Ever. I saw him at least once a week for the 11 months -dinner at the most expensive restaurants, 5 star hotel excursions. Everything was PERFECT until……… Mm went into mm mode
    -silences when with wife
    -excuses and cancellations that we can’t meet
    -so jealous finding out about his parties at home and life without me
    -Exhausting schemes to keep him
    – The inexplicable Pain
    -Pure Raw Pain and raging jealousy
    -Although I saw him every week… Boy oh Boy. I had to work so hard to see him. By Sunday the panic and depression on my part and questions would start… ‘Hmmm so when I’m I seeing you’ ‘Baby should we do dinner Wednesday ”Can you do night away Thursday’ . He hated those questions. Whenever we were meeting, I would be on the edge so scared that he would cancel. If by Thursday I hadn’t seen him, I would panic ‘ohh my word only Friday left’ -What if my worst nightmare is realised and he…. Cancels….then have to wait the whole weekend….and guess what. He often cancelled!. Ladies…I worked hard!!!!! If I put half that effort in my marriage, child, job…

    After finding this forum- It became clear that this thing had to end. Was too scared. Too weak. But you ladies gave me courage. I hinted ending – he chopped my head and ended it. Got back together – tried again at something -things go back to bad. I try no contact – replase… Until finally I just had it. It ended for good! I do still think of him but I make sure not to feed the addiction. Feeding the addiction means; Talking about him. Stalking Facebook. Looking at his pictures. Looking at chats. Reminiscing every word he ever spoke. Remembering good times. When his thought comes I just focus on other things. It started with seconds not thinking of him, then minutes, now I’m just getting to hour (maybe just under an hour). Something magical happens once you are liberated from the grips of an affair. You start to see the beauty of life. People say time heals. I believe its not just time. Its what you do with the time. It heals farster if you are deliberate about getting better and desperate to end the nonsense and pain. I read somewhere that it takes you half the time you were in a relationship to get over a relationship. Meaning it should take me 5,5 months. That would just be brutal. I’m only about 3 weeks out. Its honestly proving to take shorter……. I’m in no hurry though. I’m loving this new life….

    Then again maybe because……. I’m over a week pregnant. Its my husbands baby :).

    • Mhbb

      Congratulations popo for the new baby . Thank u for coming back to share ur thought and experiences. Your posts always inspire me. After reading ur newest comment. I have 2nd thought again. I think u and me r in very similar situation. I admire me made wise decision and take charge of your own life and let this man go. You r right. Love is like addiction. It takes will and effort to let it go completely. I am in the situation keep having relaps. That’s definitely not healthy. And I know for sure we r going to fight and break up again very soon. We have been through break up and make up many times like this. I really appreciate u sharing your thoughts. I think I am going to try again to break up and leave. I hope this time I can succeed.

    • DBW

      Congrats! Im in the same situation as you were before. Im married and found myself attached with a colleague who is also married. I am looking forward to the day to be free as you

    • StrongerEveryDay

      Thank you for posting Popo. It has been difficult for me to keep up with this page at times because I’m looking for ways on how others moved on, and it seems to be mostly women like me doing the same. Therefore, I read more about the hurt and pain others go through, but very little encouragement/advice. Your update was perfect, and I completely believe you. I agree that it takes times and a PROACTIVE mindset to move on. It DOES help to think of other things when he pops in mind, but takes work to do it. Thank you so much for your story. I hope you always stay strong and congrats!!!!

    • Rhea

      Popo,

      Congratulations on the pregnancy. Is this your first baby? I’m thrilled for you.

      When you talked about exhausting schemes trying to keep this man and scheduling dates, it reminded me of myself. I agree that there is such freedom in letting go of this toxic situation. I am 2 1/2 months out. I am still in tremendous pain. Some days are better than others. I’ve noticed though that I am not behaving like an addict anymore. I don’t care about my phone. I am not waiting for anyone’s crumbs. I don’t need the stupid dates. I don’t need the hassle anymore. I am enjoying my children, my friends and trying to create peace with my husband. I can’t lie and say that i am over it but I am being patient with myself. I love and value me and I hate that like you, I gave the mm almost a year of my life. If I could, i would take back that time. But i can’t so I am committed to moving forward.
      Thanks for the update.

  • Lara

    I am not going to lie about how painful the past couple of weeks have been since I left a “last text” telling the married man who I have allowed in my life on and off and on and off for far, far too many years I needed for us to stop and that I wanted “no contact”. It has been hellish yes.
    The worst part of my experience BY FAR! was seeing him walk down my street last weekend holding hands with his wife. Holding hands! In all the time I have ever known him or have seen him with her (and there have been too many) I have NEVER seen anything like that. As far as I have always “known” they just were not that kind of touchy feelie happy couple. Were they still sleeping together? Yes of course I knew that part. But I never saw this kind of warmth/affection, especially never in public! I can pretty much say with certainty that I would NEVER have ended up in an affair with this man if I had ever witnessed such a thing years ago. Pure torture to my mind now. So I have no idea what to make of it. Honestly I do not know if he saw me (I was trying to hide behind a van until the two of them crossed the street) and he did this deliberately to hurt me (the pain was pure anguish believe me)? Or maybe he is now cozying up extra special with her because I dumped him? Or maybe now after the on and off again relationship with me he has finally found his true love with her? UGH. Or all of the above? It made me want to vomit. Spit. Curse. And shatter two thousand glasses against a wall. But I did nothing. I stayed calm. Seething but calm. He works next door to my house two days a week and he and she were leaving the store, passing by my house. HOLY HELL of PAINS. My mind started spinning so fast and my inner voices were screaming both at him, at her, at me, at the street, at the world! But on the exterior I stayed calm…said nothing…went back into my house….and then burst into tears obviously. I have been crying off and on all week but the pain is getting better actually. And I am PISSED! It is the first time I feel so pissed at him. How dare he lie like he did to me? I am finally waking up to the fact that for me having been in an affair with a married man has caused me deep emotional pain and damage/distress to my inner self and to psyche that I wonder if I will ever recover? Will I ever trust a man to enter my life again on any terms? I really wonder about this. I accept my part too: This was one dysfunctional relationship that went on far to long. The reason I gave him for finally leaving this time was that I was uncomfortable continuing the lie. When I would say he and his wife did not look uncomfortable together, he used to tell me “all that glitters is not gold!” Aaarrgghhhh. I am such a dummy! That image of the holding hands is seared into my brain for life. I guess here is a good thing: I can never EVA go back to this man now. It is OVA. I am more disgusted and destroyed on the inner than I can say in words. But as they say: This too shall pass! One day at a time….And all the rest. I am sending all you women in pain here courage to LEAVE! Before you get to this point I am at. As for me, I pray I will get stronger a little bit at a time….

  • Lara

    Lillian he might say “I love you” and beg and cry etc. but he has had no trouble lying to you repeatedly for a long time about his “other life.” This is a big red flag. It means he can “love you” but his definition does not include emotional honesty. Do you really want that man in your life? Do you really trust him? What other lies might he tell you once you are together? You have to think about this very carefully. Why not take a 30 day break from this guy completely? Tell him you need a “time out” to think things over and in the meantime taht you need for him to get his sh-t completely together. See what happens! Why not try and cut ALL CONTACT with him for 30 days minimum? See of he takes any “right” actions on his own. His life outside of you is NOT your problem; it is his problem! Let him deal with it. Let him “man up”. And remover yourself for awhile!

  • Lois

    Thanks Rhea. I agree with you that sending my email bruised his ego. When he first stopped by my office, I wasn’t 100% sure of his motive until he stopped by again. This time he asked how things were going. I replied just fine and never made eye contact. After a while it started bothering me and my curiosity and weakness got the best of me, so i sent him a chat and asked how he was doing? He said…im not too good but i am managing. I replied sorry. We chit chatted…and told him that I am weak. He said he is too. Blah blah blah blah. I did end up sending him another email expressing my feelings and the difficulty to stay away but I had promised to not bother him. I told him that I appreciated him stopping by and hoped thinges get easier. Ladies, I wanted him so badly and normally would have gone to his office and you know. However. I didbt…I went home. This morning we walked past my office and looked as he walked by with a sad puppy dog face. I weakened and replied to a chat that he had sent after I left yesterday. He apologized for bothering me. I replied no apologize needed…it was nicetalking to him. Guess what…crickets no response nothing. However. I later found out he had been a meeting with HR all morning and left for a dr appointment. So who knows what tomorrow may bring but I’m planning to take off. Hopefully, I will be strong and not contact him…I don’t plan it. I think it’s funny that he may have his ego bruised…lol! ☺ how are all of you doing?

  • lillian

    HI Rhea & every one here .
    how are you guys fairing ,okay the last time i updated you guys that after finding out my boyfriend still stays with his baby mama i dumped him & blocked him on 28.4.17.
    He wrote me so many messages that he really loves how about he formalizes our relationship .he was like is it okay he sees my parents i never replied to any.He told me not to leave him that he loves me with his all i ignored the messages.on 28.4.17 i blocked him & quit watsapp .he blew my phone with 100s of calls remember you can easily see in call logs someone you have blocked he kept trying to call.
    he sent me messages that i should give him a second chance or listen to him.All i told him was i never had a problem with him but i cant be a sidewoman.
    He told me im his number one that he has no one.I NEVER SAID ANYTHING I COMPLETELY IGNORED HIM COMPLETELY.
    so on 30.4.17 after he saw i was not picking all his calls he drove to my apartment,it was on Sunday i wanted to close my door he pleaded i should listen to him for the last.so i told him to come in.
    he knelt down and told me he loves me from the sole of his feet,he wanted to cry ,he said that i should tell him anything he will do it.He was like ca he go see my parents formally.All i said is at my age i want to settle down so i cant be aside piece he told me that im not his side piece then i asked him why then dont i know where you stay if im your only one.I further told him if his not ready to settle down now he can forget me & i move on peacefully cant waste my youth full years on un decided man he told me his decided its me he wants.
    Then he promised to take me to his house this week.He bought his own house that i know he doesnot rent.
    He left me with his ATM cards and his Pin numbers ,he said he can never let me go ,he further said among the things he can let go im not one of them.
    I gave him his belongs at my place he nevr took any he said its me he wants and he is going to prove me wrong that not all men are the same
    please advise me what can i do.
    what can i tell him
    Thats how far please advise me what can i do now

  • Mhbb

    3rd day into NC . This is not really nc. He always tries to find different reasons to text me or group texting asking business related questions. I haven’t talked to him in person or met him. But I know he is not far around. My days went ok. Feeling kind of empty without him present . I got used to meeting or hearing from him all the time . Feel kind of lonely. his on and off texting made me feel somehow not too painful . Tolerable. I really hope I can persist and being strong and keep NC going.
    I somehow agreed to have dinner with my ex tonight. I haven’t met my ex for almost one and half year. He tried to talk me into relationship again. He kept reminding me some past experiences we togather and I don’t even recall. I told him I came today really just for business. Whatever was the history just remains in history. My heart still belong to my mm who made me cry and suffering . I can tell ex still really into me. I don’t understand I dated him for less than one year and broke up for two years. Why he still wants to back with me. He is single and available. But my head was filled up the memories with current mm who is not available. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Of course I am not really available neither because of family issues. Maybe I am too messed up in the head. One day in a time….

  • Clair

    So….weekend came and went and long story short he basically told me today he didn’t want me calling him baby but babe was fine! I said are you smoking crack? After 2 years together and you calling me that from day one, now you don’t think we should? I lost it! We both said things we probably should not have said but we did and of course I did apologize because I did say some bad things. One thing he got mad about was me saying he uses me for sex cause he acts like he could care less about anything else about me but the hit dog hollers and I honestly think he doesn’t think he is using me but he really is. He got so mad about that but it’s the truth. We said our goodbyes and I’ve blocked him from everything. My feelings are still there for him and just the way I am I do feel bad for him. I can’t explain it. It’s time for me to let him go and even though he says I’m always the one wanting him to come back it takes two. Yes I have begged him back before but the last few times we went days without talking its been him. Who knows but I don’t want anything to do with himX I’m over the worrying and all that. I’m ready to move in.

  • Lois

    0kay ladies. I didnt hear anything from married man until today and stopped by to thank me for the email. Honestly, it kind of made me mad because I told him yesterday that it was best we keep our distance. So. Why stop by my office? I felt like it was to feel me out to see if I had changed my mind or if I was weak today. Normally. I would have chit chatted with him but only commented okay and walked away. I don’t know why he felt he needed to say anything…just want the hurting to stop so just leave me alone and let me heal! What do you think? do you think I was reading more into it? He could have replied he understood and thanks to my email…why stop by?

    • Rhea

      Lois,

      Because his ego is bruised. You are mow making it sound like you’re breaking up with him and he wanted the power. He wanted you to cry and beg him to leave his wife. He wants to see that you’re devastated. By sending that email, you took back some power from him. Great job on telling him you don’t want to interfere in his family. Stay away from him!

      • Lois

        Hey rhea. I couldn’t believe made a 2nd attempt. I did weaken and asked how he was doing. Of course, he was struggling too. Blah blah blah blah. I honestly think he likes me to initiate everything so he can justify his actions based on me being the temptress. I have to admit it was really nice chatting with him and I do miss him. I just know that if I give in its only a matter of time and it will be the same crap. The guilt, his health, etc some reason to end things. I feel like I’ve made progress and not sure I want to go back. Although there is a sexual temptation…Ugh.? I’m taking off tomorrow so it will give more time to pull myself back together and hopefully remain strong. Thanks for the kind words! It’s freaking hard.

    • Lara

      Hi Lois, if the married guy in your life is anything like the one in mine, he is checking in on you in person very deliberately in order to see whether he might still have what it takes to “stoke the coals” in your situation. It’s an ego trip on his part!…whether you look sad or whether you look like you still long for him, he will still know he has some power left as long as he can see emotion of most any kind. The best thing is to be completely neutral and blow him off entirely. This is harder said than done however and he is probably by now an EXPERT in reading your body language, tone of voice, etc. The MM in my life would rather believe I am miserable rather to believe I simply “just don’t care” anymore. Or even worse, that I might be totally bored with the whole thing! By reading so many of these posts here from other women here I do believe the MM in my life is a garden variety narcissist.

  • Rose

    Hello everyone
    I’m here again to write another story. At first I want to say I wish I had a chance to finish my relationship with my married man like you girls but it was him to dumped me for no reason and if you read my story you knew how much I loved him and tried to understand what’s in his mind but i can’t find out. Almost two months with no contact and I just try to make myself busy. But for some reason he start to contact me again but not every day and talk to me like a stranger. He needs some help and I tried to do my best, he showed his appreciation and invited me for lunch but he also said if he’s free , another excuse!!!!
    But I didn’t get any news or anything from him, even he didn’t say he can’t or he’s busy !!!!!
    I’m so confused and upset because I was nice with him even after he dumped me and I didn’t ask why ???
    So I need your advice girls, please help me
    I didn’t deserve that.

  • Lois

    Hello everyone. As you know my weekend was tough but got through it…yeah! HD wasn’t in the office yesterday but couldn’t get him off my mind. I couldn’t sleep last night…thinking about the times we shared and just got that awful feeling in my stomach. I’m telling it’s like a drug addiction…the craving for excitement and pleasure. Ugh.? anyway. I stayed my distance today and wouldn’t even make eye contact. I wasn’t rude and would include him on group conversation but nothing personal. At the end of the day, I sent him an email that was composed over the weekend expressing my feelings but each day have tweaked it a little more. I basically told him that I knew he didn’t want to be me but I cant turn off my emotions that easy. I suggested that it be best that we keep our distance until I can heal and get over theselfish emotions. I wished him luck and hoped he and his wife could find happiness. I further explained that this decision was because I know my weakness and don’t want to cause him to be tempted from doing what’s right for him and his family. I have to say…feel much better and sort of relieved. Of course as usual no response but at least I feel better. Hang in there ladies. We deserve to be treated better! ☺

  • Leezil

    I’ve been seeing my married guy for a little over 1 1/2 yrs. We met on his 2nd year anniversary we work 4 the same place but we rarely see each other. He says he luvs me but was stay in the marriage as he felt it was his only chance to have a child. He is 35 and I am 44. I have grown children. He found out in November last year that his wife was pregnant. He says he was upset . Not happy like he thought. Bc now he suddenly realize how much he was SO in luv with me. The baby is due July 5. Tho in conversation he says he is going to leave and wants me , him and baby to be a family. This weekend his wife saw an innocent snap chat reply and apparently started question him. He always said he wouldn’t care if she found out. But when push came to shove it seemed a little like he wanted to save his butt. But says he was protect me. Idk what is real or not. Sometimes I really believe him. Mostly I think he’s too much of a little bitch to pull the plug on the marriage after the baby is born. He talks a big game. I cut off contact on Monday. It’s dsy 2 and I’ll b honest I’m fucking miserable. But I know I can’t give in. This has brought me nothing bUT misery. I can’t believe I found this site it has definitely help me. I just need to stay strong. I blocked him from everything. Do Unless He Calls ME FROM another Phone OR emails thru Work email. I suspect he will move on with his wife. I know I deserve all the heart ache I’m getting but it doesn’t seem fair he gets everything he wants when he was the married person. I do hope he is miserable. I hate being like thst. If anyone has any words of wisdom please tell me

  • Mhbb

    Update:
    The peace with my married man really didn’t last. We have nice dinner at nyc last Monday. That was pretty good. We met on Wednesday again for a networking dinner. After dinner we had a little physical contact. Then he went all crazy again on Thursday. As I said: most of our relationships r emotional based. Whenever we had physical. He always goes crazy ,pissed off for a couple of days. Either by too much guilt or by too much attachment. I did one week NC recently which really helped me to get rid of the clingy and neediness. I guess I have to go through another 4 weeks of NC again. This time, I got back to him , I told him clearly I don’t want negative emotional influence and mood swings anymore. I just want to enjoy my life and be optimistic. One of my friends died recently. I told him I am going to cherish every min in my life. I don’t want any sadness or regret if I die someday. The peace really didn’t last for 2 weeks.
    I guess I am really done this time. I can’t keep doing this breaking up and making up cycles. It’s been going on for almost a year. It’s not healthy. Today he texted a few times to me or in group texts. I didn’t reply for the group texts. I answered his questions politely if he asked in texts to me directly. No emotions and kept distance.
    Because of our relationship. He started to see therapist for a while. I hate his therapist . I told him stop mentioning anything about me. He said he is paying her to talk about his stuff and most of his stuff is about me.
    Now let me restart NC again together with u ladies. Let’s go through this together .

  • Patricia

    Hey ladies…so today NC and he hasn’t contacted me. I think I may have written something wrong in one of my posts. I have been dealing with the married man for 5 months only! Today was the first day trying the NC as I am really taking it one day at a time. It is definitely a rollercoaster right now. Most days I’m a happy person in general…bubbly, as soon as I roll out of bed. It’s one of the things most people like about me and others can’t stand it. Anyway, this rollercoaster ride is already taking me a loop. I’m so tough when I talk to him and I’m pretty good with acting like I’m not bothered when I am because most of the time I tell myself I can’t be bothered or upset with him because he has a wife. I can’t get upset if I don’t hear from him and if I don’t see him. He’s not mine…however, when I write in my journal or talk to my bff I can express how upset I am or disappointed. It’s not healthy but I’m 100% positive that GOD is working with me and not against so I will be ok NO MATTER WHAT

  • lillian

    Hi everyone my story is kind of different.
    Im now 27yrs I met my married man 2015 when I was 25yrs he really pursued me for ayear but he never told me he was was still with the mum of his twins he told me he was asingle dad of twins.we started dating seriously in 2016 mar he was the best man to ever happen to me he was 32yrs when we met .he would take care of all my financial responsibilities which he still does, he told me he wanted me for marriage and he loves me all was so well till I found out that he still stays with the mum of the twins oooh God I was so broken so hurt .i checked the ladys photos oooh yes i was way better prettier everthing i felt good about my self abit but my guy denied ever staying with the mum of the twins.yes they aint married officially but they stay together when I confronted him he denied every thing he told me its me he loves me & stays with nobody.i forgave him since I had no evidence but what was strange is I never knew where he stays which shows that he stays with someone since then ive tried to break up with him like 5 times but I find myself letting him back in my life again when I breakup with him he tries to ask what the problem is his so caring all ive dreamt of but his someone else’s man.the other Problem his denied ever staying with any one I found out from outside sources they had ever gone to court twice with the mum of kids but the court usually gives the custody to th mum of the twins so since this guy cant let his kids be taken they end up getting back together the twins r 6 n they have a aon 1yr .now my problem is I cant be the other woman it kills me so much despite my mm being so good to me supporting me financially denying he stays with any woman telling me he loves me soo much and showing it to me I want to let it go because I want the number one spot not second.How do I do it as he cabt seem to let me goo I know I will my owm man because at least im hard working though he helps out I laso make my own money. How do you let go of a hot succesfull young married man you love and he shows he loves you im so torn I dumped him on 15.4.17 the 6th time but his been pleading since then and im hurting too cant block him he will use other means please advise I cry myself to sleep every day like how the hell did I end up being with him.any one to help out .how do I shut him out for good I still love him, his good to me but I need to settle down how do I go about this anyone in my situation where its you who wants to dump the married man whose so good to you

  • Patricia

    Chloe and Rhea…thank you so much for your encouraging words. I will take this one day at a time starting with today. During NC you not only NOT CONTACT them but you also ignore when they contact you right ? Him and I communicate during the week but we see each other mainly on the weekends. Last night I made sure I was busy on purpose so that I was unavailable and when he called me I didn’t answerright away (just as he does) I called back later and said oh hey, he asked where I was i said I’m out with friends. He said hmmm…ok, call me when you get home. I said sure no problem. It felt good not to be available for him. I’ve done this a few times and he’s even said, you seem too busy for me at time. I love the fact that i do not allow him to take precedence over the plans I make with my family/friends. I know GOD is working on me…i believe that! He will NOT leave me.

  • Jen

    Ive been seeing a married man off and on for about a yr, his wife has ms and has told him to find someone because she is unable to dothings he enjoys. Well today for the 5th time he broke off with me. His daughter knows about me and he has told me his wife is a miserable person and he cant be with her anymore.I love him but these break ups are killing i want to move on but we work together and i see him everyday. I truly believe he wants to be with me but his lids mean the world to him. Please help me

  • Bruised

    I am struggling. And I need help. I’ve been with this married man for 10years… It’s a long time to be hiding. And too hard to walk away.

    • Lois

      WOW…I can’t imagine a 10 year relationship. It’s been almost a year for me and know how badly it hurts. It’s a pain that none of us should be experiencing because we deserve better. Of course, it’s easier said than done because if it wasn’t for my mm ending things once again last week, I wouldn’t have found this post. I’m so glad to know I’m not alone in this situation because they are so many of us. Why did things end?

    • AnnieGal

      Dear bruised, YIKES, It must make you feel so much loss. Loss of self! Loss of opportunities for your own happiness and made a huge impact on your sense of self worth and sense of what is the correct path to be on. You’ve sacrificed everything of yourself and I understand how alluring the emotions of having love in your life can feel and sometimes they are heightened if they are fleeting because you cant share a ‘real relationship’ with him.
      I am not sure of your age but if you want your own family than I urge you to go see a councillor and get some really good support. You may need to actually move away from the area you live in altogether in order to move on with your life.
      Habits are the hardest things to break and in this case love addiction is what you need to break in order to have a better and more healthier view on your own life and your own needs. You probably don’t even know what your own needs are outside of this union.
      If there is support through friends or other organisations maybe reach out there as well.
      You’re under a spell and it’s sapping you of everything good you deserve.
      In my case I made friends with someone online and from the start the told me he was divorced. Something inside me didn’t believe him. I was always suspicious although he acted very convincingly. I decided not to be intimate with him but ultimately I was having an emotional affair regardless and then last week after nearly 2 years of knowing him as a close friend he decided to tell me that yes, he is in fact married but even though he loves his wife he’s not having any intimacy with her and he looks for it outside of his marriage for that reason.
      Although I always suspected this it hit me hard. I no longer know how to relate to him because the confirmation that he’s married has changed how I look at him now…reality does really hit hard and it’s made me go back in my mind and disbelieve many things he said to you that may not have been genuine.
      I am still in shock mode so not sure what next and if I can even see him again just as a friend? Emotions are very complex and painful things in cases like ours so I wish you well. Both you and I and anyone else in a similar situation have to really look deeply at ourselves and what we need to become whole within ourselves but not necessarily through someone else married or not. 🙂 Good luck.

  • Patricia

    Hi Ladies…still difficult for me to do NC! It’s only been 5 months and I feel like I can’t miss a day without speaking to my married man. I try not to let him know how much I like him so I don’t answer all his calls. I be careful of how often I express any of my feelings…its just so dumb because I don’t even know why I’m continuing to entertain this when I know…he+me will never = we I wish I had other male friends I was dating. I feel lonely…that feeling is what has me in this situation in the first place. I really need to fill that void and replace it with GOD. I’m sure that will help me out. What do you ladies do with your spare time to occupy yourself ??

    • Chloe

      Just get out of the house n do things u used to enjoy. Shopping? Baking? Sports?
      Ask God for extra strength to go through this time. God is a loving God. He gives us a choice to be righteous but we screwed things up ourselves. But I know God won’t say ‘ see?? I told u.. “. He will not leave us alone to suffer.
      I m also feeling weak n scared that I will fall back to see him. We must be strong. We deserve a man that that treasure us, not hiding us like dirty laundry.

      • Suzie Q

        Yes, this. Thank you for this. I’m so lonely as well. That’s what got me in to this mess. I really hate it. I’m doing nc with my mm. When I think about how cheap, degrading and disrespectful this is to me, it makes me stronger. God wants the very best for us, and this is not the very best for us. Love and prayers for all of us moving on to what God desires for us.

    • Rhea

      Patricia,
      I do anything but contact. The craving to call is ever present. Remember that this is an addiction and you have to treat it like that. During the day is the worst for me because that’s when we communicated. When I was with him I hated weekends because we wouldn’t be in touch. Now it’s the reverse.
      I focus on my work. I give myself a to-do list in my head every morning.
      I leave my phone in my car. It’s a tremendous relief. Not seeing him contact me kills me so it’s best to not be confronted with it every second.
      I keep my social calendar filled. In the end I’m exhausted and I think about him during every outing but it’s better than staring at the wall.
      My goal is to be more like a man emotionally. I want to be a woman where it matters. My children need me to nurture them, my sister needs my support, my girlfriend too. But when it comes to him, I am trying become detached and to make a focused, disciplined effort to move forward. While I am crumbling, he must not know that. I want him to think that he’s the farthest thing from my mind.
      This is a wound that’s healing. It’s a broken heart. Treat it like that. At first, my heart bled. Blood profusely gushing. Now the bleeding has stopped but the injury is raw and open. It won’t always be this way though.
      And I am comforted knowing that someday I’ll be vindicated for him using and discarding me. I did the right things. I loved genuinely even though it was forbidden love. He must live with the consequences of his actions.

      • Popo

        Funny Rhea. Absolutely also hated weekends. Hated! Coz I know he would be silent. Now… I have this relief like thank goodness I don’t have to feel that emptiness during weekends… Letting go is a different kind of pain- in my view its better than the cycle of jealousy, pain, being ignored…
        In my moments of clarity I really have relief… Like thank goodness I’m not dealing with that drama. I’m not even angry (a few moments maybe not mostly not).. I’m happy I’m going this direction coz its the sure sign of healing.

      • Shay

        Dear Rhea,
        I just wanted to say that I relate to where you are at this point in time. I have not cut things off completely but have a genuine desire to and I think I am getting there. Weekends ARE awful for me right now. Hence am on here at the moment! The biggest mistake was not having enough going on in my life when we meet. So since tying to cut him off I have also been trying desperately to occupy myself – gym, extra shifts, outings, trips, etc. Somehow it still means I can’t delete him and still get those videos and lots of messages about his love for me… I am mostly completely ignoring them now but I still feel very hurt when he goes quiet at the weekend. I don’t understand how he can say all of this put then prove to be 100 percent devoted to his wife. My head knows to not engage at all with him as a first step. I can’t wait to get to the point where I am not thinking about him throughout every second of every day.
        I like what you said about loving genuinley. I stupidly gave him my whole heart, yet he claims now that he is constantly heartbroken and hurt. I find that hard to understand. Does he believe the wife’s words that I manipulated him for whatever reason and am cruel to have done that when he has small kids….? Whatever he case, I know the truth and the situation is killing me. Small steps to healing a heart broken in worse ways than I ever could have imagined. Still a bit raw, but you are right in saying that staying true and good is all that matters, I too will be vindicated as the truth is always the most powerful influence in the end.

    • Popo

      That was me Patricia after my 5 month break up… Guess what…..Got sucked back in and then it was 11 months. Don’t get sucked back in and to do that, Firstly – stop telling yourself you can’t live without him. What you focus on grows. Don’t obsess over – I must not think of him… I must not think of him… I must not think of him…. Just be fully present for other things and before you know it, you are making other memories. Sending you hugs….

  • lillian

    hi everyone ,
    i dumped my married man on 15/4/17 this time for the 6th time and im sure this time im done ,i will not listen to his please again ,we had dated for 2 years he never told me he still stays with his baby mama all along i thought i was dating a single dad i had been suspicious he could be staying with the baby mama but never had proof when i found the proof i dumped him but his been contacting me since his been pleading that he loves me & wants to marry me but truth is if he really wanted to marry me the 2 years we hve been together he would have already broken up with baby mama to settle for me he dnt.when i found out the truth i never gave him any tantrum i just told him i had found out and told him im to good to be aside woman so we end it,he never accepted that he stays with baby mama.
    yesterday at night i finally blocked all his contacts but my other phone failed to block him im shaking we were so good to each other i never wanted us to be like this but thats the right thing to do .so today makes my first NC DAY i have promised myself not to go on wats app for 30days hope God helps me.
    He really loved me i loved him he really always cared for me and my family,if he wasn’t taken would have been with him all my life but i cant be with him waiting for him to leave the baby mama cant let myself go through thru lonely nights.what if he never leaves. im not being mean but i saw the baby mama she is damn ugly and im prettier ,im good patient loyal hard working our sex was great too my be thats why he acts like he cant leave without me each time i dump him. i can get better but truth i know the process wont be easy.pray for me i pull through to the 30th day i will come here to testify
    I pray he doesn’t come to my apartment i will be too weak to say no but at least with me i can hold myself 30 days and i will not contact him because i know its the right thing to do.help me i get over him please ,because i was used of him taking care of my financial needs his very successful and young .im 27yrs his 33yrs .oooh God will i ever come here to testify that i got over him and im now fine .it will be among my best days in life

    • Rhea

      lillian,
      Do not destroy your life and waste your most valuable years on this married man. At this age, you should be in a relationship that leads to marriage. If you’re his side piece for years, you’re giving up that opportunity and when you look up, you’ll see that all the good guys are married.
      If he wants to be with you, nothing and no one on this planet will stop him from moving out of that woman’s place. Leave him alone. Throw your phone away if you need to. Force him to make a choice and the way to do that is to walk away. A lot of us women, me included, pursue men too much. By doing that, we never truly know what their real intentions are. Of course, if we pursue, they’ll most likely come to us for sex. But what about a loving committed relationship? You can’t convince anyone to commit.
      Please think of your future.

      • Shay

        Rhea,
        That is really good advice. The difference between sex and a committed relationship and how to determine if it will exist. Simply stand back and find out, because sex to us women can mean something very different, and it makes his words especially convincing. I have known for some time that the man I was seeing just needed some passion, despite everything else he said to me about wanting me forever. I would agree with you 100 percent with the advice you give about not letting other chances go. Dating at my age has felt dreadful so far. I would love to be in my late twenties for this reason. Time flies, do not waste it chasing a man who has not left his wife.
        Thankyou for putting it so succinctly!

      • lillian

        HI Rhea & every one here .
        how are you guys fairing ,okay the last time i updated you guys that after finding out my boyfriend still stays with his baby mama i dumped him & blocked him on 28.4.17.
        He wrote me so many messages that he really loves how about he formalizes our relationship .he was like is it okay he sees my parents i never replied to any.He told me not to leave him that he loves me with his all i ignored the messages.on 28.4.17 i blocked him & quit watsapp .he blew my phone with 100s of calls remember you can easily see in call logs someone you have blocked he kept trying to call.
        he sent me messages that i should give him a second chance or listen to him.All i told him was i never had a problem with him but i cant be a sidewoman. He told me im his number one that he has no one.I NEVER SAID ANYTHING I COMPLETELY IGNORED HIM COMPLETELY.
        so on 30.4.17 after he saw i was not picking all his calls he drove to my apartment,it was on Sunday i wanted to close my door he pleaded i should listen to him for the last.so i told him to come in.
        he knelt down and told me he loves me from the sole of his feet,he wanted to cry ,he said that i should tell him anything he will do it.He was like ca he go see my parents formally.All i said is at my age i want to settle down so i cant be aside piece he told me that im not his side piece then i asked him why then dont i know where you stay if im your only one.I further told him if his not ready to settle down now he can forget me & i move on peacefully cant waste my youth full years on an decided man he told me his decided its me he wants.Then he promised to take me to his house this week.He bought his own house that i know he doesnot rent.
        He left me with his ATM cards and his Pin numbers ,he said he can never let me go ,he further said among the things he can let go im not one of them.
        I gave him his belongs at my place he nevr took any he said its me he wants and he is going to prove me wrong that not all men are the same
        please advise me what can i do.
        what can i tell him
        Thats how far please advise me what can i do now

    • Rhea

      Lilian,

      If he really wants you, he will do anything to be with you. That means that he will get an apartment, he will move out, he will give you keys to his apartment, he will have you around his child, he will take you when he goes to pick up his child for visits. Until and unless he does that, do not stay with him. I think you mentioned that he pays some of your bills. Yet, I wouldn’t let him be my only option. Do not limit yourself. You will regret it. I have friends who had men string them alone during the best years – the years when you get married and have children. Now those friends are without those men and without kids and they are in their 40s. You are in your twenties.
      He’s desperate because he’s scared to lose you. The only way to force his hand is to leave him completely. 14 years ago, my now husband and I were dating. He was being a huge jerk – had other women, was hanging out all the time, had not time for me. I left him and started dating someone else. That made him go crazy. It caused him to stop the partying and treat me much much better. Unfortunately, after our marriage, he reverted to cheating but for many years, he behaved and gave me what i wanted. The only way for me to have gotten that result was to make him think that he had lost me.

  • Unstrung

    This article as well as all your comments have made me decide to once and for all end my relationship with a married man. I knew from the start that I’d be on the losing end but still pushed through with it because that’s what I thought I needed at that time. I just knew and felt that we love each other. It went on for more than 2 years. We’ve been long time friends prior and I even knew his wife.

    I have decided to start No Contact and my only concern at this point is that his life remain unchanged while I on the other hand am hurting to my core. And alone. It’s just so unfair how they can go through their happy lives without consideration that they messed up ours.

  • Chloe

    To all ladies who r thinking of breaking up with your married men, I think we have to do some pre-break up actions.
    1) Start to have some activities u like without him. Eg. Cooking, baking…music.. anything u like b4 u met him. I slowed down my running for him n I played tennis to spend more time with him. After I planned to break up with him, I slowly detached myself away. I prayed and ask God to help as I felt so helpless. Had a knee injuries so have good reason to stop tennis. Now I started jogging again.
    2) I tell myself it will be painful. That I will miss him (just like many of u), but this is not a sign of true love. I didn’t block him because I know it will make me more anxious n text him. We must identify our feelings so that we can control them.
    It is true. . After breakup they will always say they miss u, they will die if we leave them. After a while, they will forget about u . They treat us like their disposal underwear. Used n throw. Recieve a text from last night after 4 days of break up saying he love me… today when I text him, it took him a few hours to reply. I realised he went out with his family! To think that we have been deceived all these while n believe their lies. ???.

  • lillian

    Hi everyone my story is kind of different.
    Im now 27yrs I met my married man when I was 25yrs he really pursued me for a year but he never told me he was was still with the mum of his twins he told me he was a single dad of twins.we started dating seriously in 2016 mar he was the best man to ever happen to me he was 32yrs when we met .he would take care of all my financial responsibilities which he still does, he told me he wanted me for marriage and he loves me all was so well till I found out that he still stays with the mum of the twins oooh God I was so broken so hurt .i checked the ladys photos oooh yes i was way better prettier everything i felt good about my self abit but my guy denied ever staying with the mum of the twins.yes they aint married officially but they stay together when I confronted him he denied every thing he told me its me he loves me & stays with nobody.i forgave him since I had no evidence but what was strange is I never knew where he stays which shows that he stays with someone since then ive tried to break up with him like 5 times but I find myself letting him back in my life again when I breakup with him he tries to ask what the problem is his so caring all ive dreamt of but his someone else’s man.the other Problem his denied ever staying with any one I found out from outside sources they had ever gone to court twice with the mum of kids but the court usually gives the custody to th mum of the twins so since this guy cant let his kids be taken they end up getting back together the twins r 6 n they have a 1yr .now my problem is I cant be the other woman it kills me so much despite my married man being so good to me supporting me financially denying he stays with any woman telling me he loves me soo much and showing it to me I want to let it go because I want the number one spot not second.How do I do it as he cabt seem to let me goo I know I will my owm man because at least im hard working though he helps out I laso make my own money. How do you let go of a hot successfull young married man you love and he shows he loves you im so torn I dumped him on 15.4.17 the 6th time but his been pleading since then and im hurting too cant block him he will use other means please advise I cry myself to sleep every day like how the hell did I end up being with him.any one to help out .how do I shut him out for good I still love him, his good to me but I need to settle down how do I go about this anyone in my situation where its you who wants to dump the married man whose so good to you

    • Chloe

      I 1000% understand what u r going through!!! I also broke up with him 4 days ago… he said he fell sick n can’t live without me. He cared for me so much in the past n I felt I was e luckiest woman on earth. Today is the 5th day n he is missing… text him n asked if he is feeling better.. n took him few hours to reply.
      My sister , don’t believe their lies!!!! He might be holding his wife happily right at this moment while we thought he is suffering because we broke up with them. We mustn’t let them control us ?

  • Feya

    Im here because i feel so weak weak to face this problem alone. When i read all the stories, now i feel better and i decided to write my story. I met my married man in office. He’s one of my manager. He ask my phone number for a work thing, he said. I gave him my number. Nothing happen until he chat me at 10pm ask for occupation. I didn’t reply it because its not office hour. I know there’s something wrong with his guy. I replied it in the morning. Long story short, we keep in contact like a good morning and good night chat, and all flirting chat. He is romantic. He said all the thing women wants to hear. He said im pretty, he said he can’t life without me, he said he wants to be my husband. We are watching movie, we are kissing, we are dating. He wants to making love with me, but i never say yes. Fyi, im a virgin, i dont want to loose my virginity before married. Until i got a nightmare that his wife come to me and look very angry. I told him about my dream, i was scared as hell. He said, ok its over, but can we still keep in touch? Can we still be friend? Stupidly i said yes. It gets harder because he’s my manager, i always meet him at office. He never trully leave me. He still chat flirting to me, once a week. I get stronger when he doesn’s chat me, but when he did again, i get the lovely feeling back. Always. Im so confuse, i feel weak. What should i do? Because i can’t block his number, block his social media, etc. he’s my manager, i can’t really leave, i can’t ignore him. Get another job? Yes, im on process to find another job. I never thought that i can be trapped in this situation. Im so weak.

    • Patricia

      Feya…save your virginity for your husband not this man. You have to be strong and move on. Yea, i know it is easier said than done. I am sleeping with a married man but I think you will beat yourself up if you sleep with him and he doesnt break things off with his wife to be with you. You deserve someone that belongs to you and only you. We ALL do! Pray about it.

  • Clair

    So he ended it again. Need I remind you he did it like two weeks ago but then started texting me again asking was I ok and now two weeks later telling me we need to stop . He just says I’m sorry and I don’t mean to hurt you and blahblahblah. Told me he was going to miss me so much and he doesn’t want to end it but we have to. I don’t know if this really is the end because he has done this so many times. I was ok last time when he ended it but then he started texting me and got me all wrapped up again and now I’m sad again. I know the best thing is for us to not be together cause when we’re not in not wondering when I’ll talk to him again but it still makes me sad. I just want to be strong enough to resist him in case he texts me again which he probably will. Thoughts anyone?

    • Lois

      Unfortunately, I understand what you are going through because this has happened in my situation. We have ended so many times to the point you are uncertain if it’s for real this time. Since we wor together and doesn’t want any evidence through texts emails, he will stop by my office a week or so later to ask how im doing. Really…how does he think I’m doing…mentally exhausted. He enjoys being with me but the guilt from being around his kids and of course now it’s his health that keeps him from being with me. Like you, I just want to be strong enough to stay away and be done. Being able to share with someone seems to be helping so thanks!

      • Clair

        So Wednesday was when he said we needed to end this and just the way I am everything I’m thinking I have to say it. So I texted him Friday morning and was just telling him how I will always miss him and how much I cared for him and we chit chatted throughout the day and by the end of the day we were back to talking like we always have. Men are very weak and it doesn’t matter how hard they try and keep it together they sooner or later crack but he wants it to be where he messages me when he wants to see me and maybe will text me here and there just to see how I’m doing. A part of me says yes because he’s still in my life but I’m a woman and I’m to emotional for that. Like last night, he posted a pic on Snapchat where he had hurt his foot and I just replied back oh no are you ok? Well I know he wanted me to see it cause he rarely posts on there and then he opened it but never replied back. I want to be strong enough to where I don’t text him and just see how long it is for him to text me. He says I don’t know when to stop texting and I expect to much from him but since he’s married he can’t give me what he would if he wasn’t. And to he says he’s not but I’m always worried he’s talking to someone else. What should I do? Should I text him tomorrow when I know he’s away from his family and say I was just checking on your foot or just wait till he messages me? I know he probably thinks I will message him tomorrow.

    • Sickofthisrollercoaster

      Hi,
      Mine also ended things yesterday even though we agreed at the beginning of the month to stop. I actually felt positive, alive and confident about our mutual decision at the time. We lasted a couple days before I got the “I’m thinking about you and missing you” message. I got sucked right back in and am so disappointed in myself. Now a few weeks later and I feel so depressed. I know this is toxic and unfulfilling yet there’s something really nice about feeling closeness with the opposite sex. Maybe I need to make a list of all the times when I felt sad, disappointed and let down and look at that when nostalgia sets in. Right now I feel like I can’t function or do anything. I may take PTO tmw.

    • Jen

      I am in the same position as you are. The married man i was involved with for a yr or so we have broke up 5 times and everytime he comes crawling back in a few weeks. I cant keep going thru this i care very much for him but these break ups are hurtful. The thing is his wife knows about me she has ms and has okd the relstionship

    • Lois

      Hey Clair. I have gone through the same thing with my married man. He told me his conscious bothers him at home so it would be easier if I would not communicate with him. Of course, he now claims he doesn’t receive any of my texts. He even had me text him while in his office to prove there is an issue. My gut tells me it’s too much of a coincidence. Like you, I was more than willing to be at his convenience as long as it meant I wouldn’t lose him totally. At least your mm contacts you, i don’t hear a peep from mine. He will stop by my office after a few days of no contact to check on me. What gets me is this is his idea to end things. I was okay to hook up occasionally, so I understand where you are coming from. He ended things on Tuesday and I haven’t contacted him except an email letting him know that I had accidentally dialed his number by mistake. He called me back but didn’t answer. I’m so so freaking confused because I know in my heart that all it would take is him wanting me back and in a few weeks it would this all over again. I’m tired of hurting and not knowing how he truly feels because it won’t say except he cares deeply for me. I can’t tell you the number of times that I have composed an email expressing my feelings but never send it to him. I send it to my work email and read it later. I usually am grateful it was never sent to him. I don’t want him to have the satisfaction that he is own my mind that much. So to answer your question, I would not contact him…see how long it takes for him to contact you. The longer he waits to contact you maybe it will help you realize where you stand with him. I think we are both better off without them but it is much easier said than done.

    • Leezil

      U have to b strong. After 1 1/2 I ended it with my married guy. We’ve broken up on and off sometimes him sometime me. It’s all bullshit. Keeps saying how much they luv u. But they never leave. My guy is having his 1st child due in july. I can’t do it anymore. I blocked from everything. I have to b strong and so do u.

  • Lois

    Hey, ladies. After searching several websites to help get over this yucky, gut wrenching feeling, I ran across this site which has helped me realize that I am definitely not alone. I have been married for almost 27 years and would have never in a million years thought I would be in this position. I know my husband loves me with all of his heart but he has resented our children for years because he feels they robbed him of his best friend and wife. My children are my world, so there has been ongoing wedge being put between my husband and I for some time. A few years ago, my very dear friend at work had an affair with her boss who is married. It did not end well and there is hard feelings. However, I saw how the affair helped her restore her marriage and she said the sex with mm was awesome. I found myself longing for what she had and pursued the mm she had an affair with but here I am a year later with my heart aching for someone that did not want me anymore than he wanted her. Honestly, I never intended for my feelings for this guy to be more than just casual sex but guess what did not work out that way. I do not know what is wrong with me because this guy never pursued me, never bought me anything, not even worthy of a hotel room…sex in various places at work after hours, maybe two compliments in a year that I looked nice. He is not one for opening up and sharing his feelings, so you never know what is on his mind which was kind of a turn on at first because he was mysterious and it intrigued me. He has 4 kids (set of triplets) and I have 3 kids (set of twins), so we connected in many levels. The sex was great or at least think so because I have been with the same man since I was 16…the passion was there which has not been in marriage for some time because it is hard to want to be with someone who is not nice to children. Do not get me wrong my husband isn’t always a jerk…about half and half but the good side is what keeps me in the relationship. I do love him but he has hurt me with how he talks to our kids and me at times. Anyway, the mm has ended the relationship several times over the past year but we always seem to hook back up. Of course, I have to initiate it but there are settle ways that he would let me know he was interested and silly me would take the bait…hook line and sinker. He has told me that the guilt overwhelms him with his kids…not some much his wife who refers to as THE WIFE for whatever reason. He has some medical issues but not sure if he is telling the truth because he told my friend he had a brain tumor which was 4 years ago. Yesterday, he told me he wanted to end, end things because he has health has worsened and needs to have focus on it and his children. He has to make good conscious decisions and cannot do that and be with me. What was I supposed to say…the heck with your health plus dang I have to some dignity. If the guy does not want me, I need to let it go but much easier said than done because I have really let myself have feelings for this guy. Thanks for letting me share because I have kept this inside for too long and have no else to talk to about it.

    • Lois

      It’s been a couple of days with no contact. I’m really struggling. The sad part is that he has ended things before so part of me is uncertain whether this time is for real. After our talk on Tuesday, I found out from my friend who had the affair with first with him that he is taking a different position and will be moving offices. He somewhat alluded to possible changes in his department but I don’t understand why he couldn’t tell me. He says that I’m one of the few people he trusts but I don’t know what is the truth anymore. He says his health condition has worsened but won’t tell me about it except he’s been able to hide things for a long time but will start be more noticeable. He said he told my friend about it when they were together. Once again, I guess I’m chopped liver because he won’t talk to me about it but has with her. Yes I’m jealous and it pisses me off because I am not a jealous type never have been. Everything about this affair had been totally out of my character. So I asked my friend…he told her brain tumor about 4 years ago then about 3 years ago nonhodgkin lymphoma. Who knows the truth. About 5 months ago he mentioned he had ulcerative colitis when we were at a conference…only because he couldn’t be with me that night. This post has really helped me to see that I have been a complete idiot. However. My heart is broken and need strength to nit get go back. I can’t do this emotional rolla coaster anymore. The respect of my children is not worth this guy…

      • Sickofthisrollercoaster

        I’m back here again after posting several days ago. I have not contacted him nor has he reached out to me. We haven’t spoken since last Wed and for some reason this weekend has been really challenging. I can’t stop thinking about him even though I know that it’s poisonous. I’ve been crying on and off today. I’ve seriously looked at my phone a million times thinking maybe…. We’ve broken up so many times and he has been the one to break down and get back into contact. This is the longest we have gone which makes me truly believe that it’s for real. Donezo and goodbye. I hope this emptiness passes soon. I’ve read every online article about ending things with a married man and healing. I refuse to get in touch with him. Stay strong. I wish all of you the best!

  • Janet

    Hi ladies,
    Came across this after doing a search on how to break up with a married man. Here’s my story.
    Met him a little over a year ago at work. He asked me out but I stated to him I don’t date co-workers. My supervisor at the time knew I was single and suggested he would be someone I could date because he was single. Fast forward, a few months after the initial meeting he changed jobs and reached out to me. For the first 3 months we talked and texted everyday. His new job required him to do a lot of traveling in and out of the country so we didnt see each other often. He always sent me his itinerary on where he would be (flight, hotel , etc).Fourth month we went on an eight day vacation to the Bahamas which included a cruise and a few days in Florida. After that we went on several more vacations which included my kids and grandchildren. Just gave away that I am an older person. LOL. Seventh month he started becoming distant. I even told him he was changing on me. Several times during the relationship I asked him was he married because signs started telling me he was. His answer was always NO. Even co-workers thought he was single because that’s what he was telling everyone when he worked with me. My gut instincts kept telling me to research a marriage license. I found it and the date he was married. When I comforted him about his lie, he could only say, “I’m sorry, I never meant for this to happen and that I would fall in love with you.” Months went by without us speaking nor seeing each other. During that time I cried, felt angry at being deceived because he proposed to me . Yes, the man asked me to marry him. He reached out a week ago,and we met and were able to have a decent conversation. I shared with him how I felt and did not hold back on my feelings. He has since apologized and told me he valued me as a person, as a friend because I offered him a listening ear and showed that I was a caring person. I did tell him I am deserving of a man of my own. One that won’t take away my choice of what type of relationship I choose to be in. Ladies let me say this, it will hurt whether you went in knowing or not. A man will use excuses and make promises that he will break. Know your worth. We are all QUEENS and are deserving to be treated as such. I always had platonic male friends and a life of my own. Keep what you already had when you met him. Don’t detach from friends and family. Mr. Married WIIL disappoint. From a woman hurt and deceived by a 60 year old married man.
    Much love to each of you.

  • Mhbb

    Update :
    I met married man 2 days earlier than originally planned time. One day after he came back from vacation. after we really haven’t seen each other close to a month. ( it was just daily lots of texts). The meeting was quite intense more than emotional level, a little to my surprise. Then yesterday we back to our ” super friendship” again. We had dinner in nyc and chat about business. We r trying to adjusting to pull back the emotions to ” friendship ” . Whatever it is, I don’t want fight , don’t want to argument or heartbroken again. Just keep the peace. We kissed. But that’s about it . Maybe I am trying fool myself. We r not in any relationship. We r just super friend. But something we both agreed : we r inseparable. He will never ever leave me the rest of his life no matter what happens.
    I just want to enjoy every min with the person I truly care and love. Reality is we can’t be togather physically. That is the best for the families and children getting involved . We texted periodically throughout the day today and we meet for a networking dinner tomorrow . I am looking forward to it.
    Will keep posted

  • Patricia

    Hi Ladies…one of good friends whom recently got married told me she wasn’t sure of what to say to me about my married man situation. She said she didn’t want to be a judgy friend because she knows I’ve never done anything like this before. She said all I will say is you know it’s wrong morally and you know you need to end it so I am not going to tell you over and over again to end it. She asked if I knew it was wrong why would I do ? Isn’t that the million dollar question??! Here is my rational…I am a lonely young woman, single parent of 2 beautiful children 14 & 11. I attend all school events, extra curriculum activities and you ladies with kids know you’re always ON DUTY. They keep me pretty busy. (Eventhough theyre older, i have to spend most of my week and weekends catoring to them and I am not complaining because I signed up for that when i had them…doing it alone is the painful part) I’ve been in 2 long term failed relationships (one of them being their dad). Both relationship were filled with habitual cheating. I did 3 years of therapy to help teach me some skills about how to deal with life’s challenges. I recently had a one year relationship with someone I have known all my life. I mean literally all my life (our family had close ties) and I allowed myself to get so caught up with him because I knew him as a family friend and knew he liked me all my life that i neglected to really get to know him before I rushed into a relationship with him well one year later he moved out from my home into the next woman’s home. My ego was bruised but I don’t believe I was as invested in him as I thought I was…anyway my point of bringing this up is because I’ve truly always been loyal and yet left behind for the next woman. I think these things are part of the reason for why I am now in a situation where I’m the other woman. I think I’m searching for something and the answer lies with me and not in a man whether he is available or unavailable. Have anyone else done some therapy to understand why you are dealing with a man that is unavailable and why it is hard to let go ? If so, can you share what tools you gained from therapy to help you figure out why you continue to do something you know is not right….

    • Lara

      HI Patricia, I identify a lot with our story. I too was a single Mom of two (aged 7 and 10) when I started my affair and I too know all about friends telling me it was “wrong”. I am also in therapy a long time and making fine progress! As you know therapy is no quick fix! But the answers to our romantic attractions often lie in our primary care givers when we were young. Also in whatever love relationships we observed adults having in front of us when we were young. As for the moral aspect it is true that something being “wrong” should theoretically stop us from doing things that harm us and harm others. But unfortunately something “wrong” maybe can look “right” to us in a certain situation for whatever reason, no matter what our sense of morality is. In other words, “wrong” may appear “right!” In the end what gets us out of affairs is our intentions to get out and the steps we take to make sure we do not go back. What I mean is: It is very concrete step work and not everyone is ready at the same time. I urge you try the goasksuzi.com website for some actual programs that work IF you follow them. (No I am not working for this website!) lol You can choose any other “Get out of an Affair (jail) ” program….just make sure it has you writing and thinking a lot and asks you to list things and think about things etc. etc.
      The stuff Suzie suggests is time consuming and takes work! But if you really want to get out of an affair you can do it! I know I for one am DONE with my MM once again. 8 years ago, I left my MM for 5 full years! And I went back to graduate school and improved my life during that time ON MY OWN. But alas I got careless with my self care, and I got careless with my standards for myself, and I started feeling like I could not bear not seeing him etc etc and he had started pursuing me again ( and then again somehow “wrong” seemed “right” again to me) and sadly, I went back in. But again I ended up in absolute misery/torture just like every other time I have been with him after awhile. I honestly believe I am dealing with a NARC and have been reading up on “how to leave a narcissist” too. And now I am getting out again! But never EVER EVER underestimate the power of the MM (especially a NARC) to try and play mind games to get you back! Many of these guys are Experts in this class. They are like chess masters in this game of life. I have known mine a long long time and so I can say this with confidence: these guys are unbelievably slick (some of them).

  • hardtime

    Well after 14 days NC. He texted me saying he missed his friend. We were friends for 15 years in the Affair for 6 years. Tried to back off a few times. I finally had the courage 14 days ago to say dont contact me for 30days (i know it should have been forever but the friendship is hard) I broke down and met with him after the text we talked things out saying lets try this friendship thing but i know it will go back to the way it was before I need the courage to say no and go back to NC i was doing so well. Need strength again

    • Broken Heart

      Just to reply to you,I am in the same situation only difference is that i am married too. I have been with this man for nearly 2 years. His wife found out last year and blamed all their issues on me. We still remained close however i started doing the running and chasing. I have no kids and he has one. Uses the child as am excuse as a reason for staying in his marriage. I love him with all my heart and will give up my unhappy marriage for him. It breaks me into a million pieces that he wont do the same for me. True lovet conquers all,however im beginning to think he was only inlove with the idea of me. I pray to God for strength to let go because i am dying inside. Living a double life and having to pretend to be ok. I need peace in my life and i need to let go because he will never evet care about me or love me the way i deserve. Good luck to all of us in this situation,it is really the worst ever

  • Sasha

    Hello ladies,
    After reading all these stories, I thought I will write mine.
    I have been seeing a married man for over a year.
    Is is my coworker, i was married my left my husband earlier this year.
    He left his wife, but since he left something has changed, he is different.
    I could feel it and I can tell.
    I want to end this toxic relationship, I have managed 3 days without texting him, but today I txt him and aske is there is a problem as I haven’t heard from him.
    He txt me back saying sorry, I’ll explain tomorrow.
    I have got this feeling that he has gone back home to his wife.
    This is killing me physically and emotionally

  • Shay

    I have never posted on one of these forums before, but reading about other people’s stories seems to be therapeutic so I thought I would tell some of my story here too.
    I met a married man at work and he came after me with so much charm and enthusiasm that I could not resist in the end. When we tried to end it he would bring his toddler to me on a Saturday after finding out where I was and would encourage me to bond with the child, even calling me ‘new mummy’. I feel so naive now and I regret ever letting him in. However, somehow he touched upon my deepest hopes and desires and on top of that we had a really powerful connection, so it was all hard to resist and I believed that he wanted to leave his wife. It was all too powerful to see properly or think as usual. It was like being on drugs and getting easily swept up.
    Then came the news that his wife was pregnant, he told me about 5 months in to her pregnancy. By this point we could not leave each other alone, and we were both drinking heavily to numb the reality. I know I should have left at this point. I put too much trust in the fact that he believed the wife would be reasonable because it was a loveless marriage and it would work out if he helped support the kids.
    He moved out and I moved in with him. I knew as soon as I moved in that it was a mistake. I knew while I was packing to leave but ignored the feeling, and when I moved in I was overwhelmed with a sad feeling. Too late then. Their second child was born a few months later and of course he started spending most of his time with his family, continuing to have a lot of sex with me. I started to feel used and degraded.
    In the end he spent so much time there and I could sense that he wanted to be back. He was always getting threatening messages from the wife that he didn’t share with me but I could sense everything. In the end he did go back and moved to America to start a job earning a huge amount of money. He still contacts me claiming that he was manipulated to go back and that he is very unhappy and wants me. He says he has a plan to be with me in the future after he earns enough money to set the kids up. I have never felt so up and down, such a big separation between my heart and my mind. One minute I believe him and the next I think he is just cruel. Where I am at at the moment is I don’t know how to stop our connection. I block him, unblock him, block him and it just goes on. We feel close and connected and I am 38, single and used to him filling me up as he has done for two years. It is very hard to let go but I know is he is using me to make life more bearable for him. I dont want to waste years being stuck on him.
    I know that he will never leave because things happen which are a big sign to me and they catch him out. Recently he asked me to visit him while he is on a conference. My first reaction was no way. Then I decided to say yes,if his life plan to be with me were true then it makes sense to spend some time and work things out, as it has been all phone calls and messaging for several months. The minute I said I would arrange it, I sensed a shift from him. Then it comes out that he wasn’t sure due to the guilt of the kids. Finally it comes out. He will say anything but not change things in reality. I think I am serving to make his committment to his wife and kids stronger. I am still sometimes very confused about his behaviour, and even if it isn’t real love it feels like it. I have felt blinded and weak by it. I have tried going on dates, have tried everything to not feel consumed by him. I tell myself that I realise his true intentions but my heart keeps wanting him and wanting more. He sends videos of himself declaring his love. I wish I was too busy and distracted to not care. I have no kids, no home of my own, am trying to save money so i don’t do much. I am trying to build up friendship circles but I feel so down a lot of the time that I don’t have the energy. So I end up thinking about him and living for his love and attention. He wants me to believe we are soulmates who are supposed to be together, yet he will never leave. I am letting him do this to me and sometimes I feel it will drive me crazy.

    • Popo

      Oh Shay. This is bad. This man is trouble, get away from him as soon as possible. He will hurt you and drag you along. Great you ended the relationship! First step!!!!!

    • SoInLove

      Hi shay,

      I 100% know exactly everything you are going through and feeling. I am in the same situation. I have been with my married man for 2 years as well and he says all the right things but his actions don’t match his words. I have done it all, I have cried a million tears, argued, threatened to walk away..you name it I have done it. Trying my hardest to get hint to understand my pain and what he is doing to my life. It’s destroys us. I want out so bad because I know all it’s going is destoying me. Every piece of me. But I can’t make myself walk away. Would love to talk with you through email if you’re ok with that. I know it helps to have someone to talk to who gets it. This forum is amazing.

      My email is Natoma.edwards@yahoo.com

    • Lara

      Shay you are in very deep with this man. I feel for you! I think you will need a good deal of support to get away from this married man. I feel for you! I too am single. I really don’t know if that makes it easier or harder to leave a married man but I do know I have no relationship to go back to now that I have left my married man. So the pain of the loneliness can feel very intense. Overwhelming at times! You might want to find a good therapist or counselor. I did that. I also worked with an online program I found at goasksuzie.com that I have found extremely helpful! The only thing is, I fudged the “no contact” part last fall after our July break up and that is what got me reeled back in very briefly again last December. But I got out again almost immediately! At that point we tried (again) to just be “friends via the occasional text” for awhile with no other contact. But I found that too excruciating as I could see pics of the MM and his wife on Facebook for Valentine’s Day! Aaaaargh. Pure Torture. I had to cut all contact. Last week I said my final goodbye and cut contact completely. It is hard yes but easier than the “gray” areas. Try and remove yourself from this highly complicated situation you are in just for awhile and get some sanity back for yourself! These affairs mess with us big time emotionally and psychologically (not to mention physically) and they are highly toxic even though they can feel so good at times! That “good feeling” is long gone from the situation I am in……I am sending you courage!

    • Sorrow

      Hi Shay,i am crying as i am reading your post. I feel exactly like you do and i am going through the same. You cant share this with anyone as no one would understand and would label us homewreckers. Yet it is those very same men who have lured their way into pur lives and who have played and manipulated us. I am at a point where i keep running back. I cant concentrate on work,life and family and i hate him for it yet i love him with every fibre of me. Only God can help me and i pray that he does soon as i feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest.

      • Shay

        Sorry that it had made you feel emotional. I find myself in tears at least once a day. I have not been myself since meeting this man. I know what you mean about being labelled. I can’t even talk to my friends and family anymore. Since he went back to the wife people don’t want to know anymore. That was my cue to get out without any excuses. Just block his number they say. I am not sure why I can’t! I even feel paranoid sometimes. Like he and is wife are actually conspiring against me. That they will BOTH turn around and point the finger at me to say how can I be such a cruel person. This is my main motivation to get out now. The wife is very strong willed, thinks a lot of herself and extremely manipulative. She had the power to influence his thinking, especially when she uses the kids to do so. It is how she got him back once already. And if he is so easily manipulated once, then who knows what is around the corner. I have really been soul searching to know how to end this for good. I had the chance to live with him which has probably given me a big realistic insight into how it can be. I feel your pain. I have also had major problems with concentrating and keeping it together. Just make sure you try to stay as busy as he is. Keep yourself open to other opportunities. Easier said than done, as I know how it feels to let a man in who seems to consume you. It is about getting the control back. He has your heart but you are out of control. I have not found the answers yet but try your best to pursue other interests.

    • lillian

      Hi shay I totally get what you mean you feel they want you but they cant act .your holding on because yiu have a feeling his the one for you but on the other hand you feel he could be using you to make his family stronger im your situation kind of my guy never told me he stays with them mum of his kids when I found oit he totally denied but he never took the step to start staying with me he says he loves me he ignores it when I dump jim loke as though he dnt hear I said its over his so good and caring to me it’s hard to let him go but I dumped jim 2wks ago again I hope this time strong not to let him in again he keeps pleading that im all his got but these mem we cant really tell if thwu really love is or just string ing us along aa we waste more years hope we get the guts to let go for ever I will be proud of myself.

  • Lara

    Hi Ladies I am updating. I wrote a very short to my ex MM on Sunday saying I did not think we should be in contact anymore and that I was now busy with my own life and own family. Then I blocked his number. And all the other social media apps stuff etc.
    We were winding down (again) anyhow but this time saying “I have my own life and my own family to take care of” really made me feel so much better about myself! I am single but I have elderly parents and grown sons and they too need care.
    Not bumping into him once in awhile will be impossible as he works near my house a couple of days a week. But when I went outside after my text I found his car was parked as far away from my house as possible. I laughed out loud!
    In general however I feel terribly sad and used up. The days are long and I am soooooooo sad. Each time I think of him I must remind myself : HE IS GONE. IT IS OVER. This was a long term affair with many on then off moments but I was never in all the years able to call him anything else rather than the “love of my life”. Now I have to re-word that. I will now call him the “love mistake” of my life.
    Ladies if you are at the beginning of your affair and think you “will not get that involved” or “attached” think of my story! I NEVER in a million years would have picked this man out of any line up of men I would normally choose. And I NEVER thought I could fall in love with him! I thought it was just “fun for awhile” at the beginning. Boy, was I ever wrong about that one!

    • Popo

      Same with me Lara. Never would have picked up my married man from a line up. He is not my type at all… But was I wrong too!!!!

      • Lara

        Popo even worse, not only is my married man not at all my usual type, he is actually the closest thing to a combo of my mother and father’s combined personality types that I have ever experienced. Now if you knew my childhood you would know this is NOT a good thing…(sigh)…I know I represented something to him too and it was also something he was afraid of. This is why I think these damn affairs are so hard to get up and leave! Normally I do not look back after break ups! So weird how I behaved in this affair…almost like someone I don’t know!

  • Chloe

    I have just ended my affair yesterday after we had been together for one n a half years. I had tried to end this toxic relationship many times in the past until my friends also give up.?
    It was until 2 days ago when my close friend reminded me that my affair will affect my children.( I am divorced 3 years ago). If even they bring a girlfriend back to have sex, I will have no right to scold them. This really woke me up ! I love my children and I want to be a good mother.
    Things are difficult now. Every part of my house just remind me of him. Reading this post helps because I know I am not alone. ? . I keep wanting to call and ask how he is doing.. I know I shouldn’t . What do the rest of you ladies do to resist the temptation to call him??? ? ps share.

    • Popo

      Well done Chloe! Best thing you have done for yourself. Here is what has worked for me.

      Stop Feeding the addiction – No listening to songs reminding you of him. No stalking Facebook, don’t do things you used to do together. None of it.

      Be present and acknowledge your feelings. Acknowledge you miss him. Cry if you need to. Be present NOW. Remember that our minds always identify with the past. Your mind identifies with him since its been a year and half. Start building your future now .

      Remember its just your ego hurting. Remembering that it is just your ego hurting makes it better.

    • Rhea

      Chloe,

      My ex-married man dumped me so my ego took a beating. I had to stand up for myself I felt. I have to show this fool what kind of woman I am. I needed to show him my worth and the only way to do that was to leave him alone and not contact.
      I am tempted all the time. the pain is ever-present. I cry maybe once a day but there is a heaviness in my heart and in my soul. There is a hole in my chest I feel. I carry on, I work, I attend social events, I read, I watch tv. But all the while, the void that he is left is present. I wonder when the pain will leave me. I am being patient with myself.
      What helps me to resist is my strong desire to take care of me. This is not about him. This is about my survival. And as women, while we engaged in these affairs and our hands are not clean, our natural inclinations, allowed us to love the men purely. The men on the other hand, are quite different and were able to use us and then detach. For that, I am angry. I do not give my affections away so easily and what I gave him was special and I feel robbed. It was a theft of sorts. One that was committed by trickery. So I remind myself that the most important thing is the well-being of my psyche. It is my dignity that stops me from contacting. Plus, I have envisioned what would happen if I contact. He will never ever confess his love for me. During our relationship, I had to pull it out of him. If I call and he doesn’t answer, he’ll see my number. If he does answer, he’ll be cold or talk briefly and tell me that he has another call to take. I am better than that. I hate that I gave him a year of my time and energy. I want his soul to bleed. I want him to feel my absence in the recesses of his mind. The only way for that to happen is for me to fall off the face of the earth. I want him to picture me making love to other people. He does not deserve to know my whereabouts. He dumped me and so he must not live with that decision.
      Anger and dignity keeps me on the right path.
      Find your reasons for not contacting. He is doing just fine. Do not feed his ego.

  • Tiffany

    This article was very helpful. I’ve been dating a married man for nine month and this relationship has gotten out of control. I met his wife and then I ended up going to the house. We worked together and that has made the relationship even more stressful. I’m stressed, and exhausted from dealing with this relationship and I’m trying to get out of it but its become very hard. He always seems to find some way to get back in. I talked to God a lot about this. I’m trying to move on my life!

    • Patricia

      Tiffany, you have to continue to pray about it because GOD always sees us through difficult times and hes always. However, faith without work is dead! I know this is easier said than done. Im living it but you have to at least try to be strong enough to walk away. Think about what you want in life, family,work and relationships…write it down (sometimes that help me see it better). Once you have really thought about this (not just today or tomorrow but really think about it) decide how he fits and if he fits into your life. Pray for strenght, courage and wisdom…it may take you another day, week, or month to decide what you want but at least take the time to figure it out. It is a learning lesson…something that was meant to happen in order for you to grow or maybe for you to learn something about yourself. Therapy may help as well! I am sure we are all here for your support when you need it.

      • Tiffany

        Thanks Patricia, the last 72 hours have been very rough for me. I’ve lost myself and I’m trying to regain control of my life again! This man has taken me through hell and back. I almost lost my job behind this man because we work together, I thought I was pregnant at one point and now the latest story this man told me he’s sick and that his Liver is bad and he’s having problems with his heart. He told me this on Monday night. I haven’t slept in weeks because of stress and worrying about our relationship. I walk around looking as though I’m perplexed. I have a great life or least until I met him. I’m not sure how I got myself in this relationship. I had lost my father almost a year and before he and I met so I’m not sure if I was still hurting or grieving. On Monday night when my friend called to tell me he was sick I was already upset because of something he had done a few days before so when he told me he was sick I wasn’t sure if it was a ploy to get me back but I was extremely upset and didn’t get any sleep that night and then the next morning he text me to say that he shouldn’t have called me and that he was fine and not to worry. I had decided after speaking with him one last time that I was done (for-real) this time. I’m tired mentally and physically and I can’t continue to feel this way anymore. I’m trying to find another job and move on. It is very hard and I have my weak moments throughout the day but I’m determined to get away from him. I’ve blocked him again from my phone and I’m not going to answer my work line when he calls. I continue to pray fro guidance and strength. I never thought separating myself from a married man would be this hard.

  • Amy

    I met this guy online after my divorce. He seemed like a great guy but instead of jumping right into a relationship right after my divorce, I said lets just have some fun for now and see how things go. Things were great, but i sensed some red flags but whatever, it was casual. I started liking him more so i did some digging online and found out hes married. I asked him about it and he denied it…

    So i thought ok maybe I will just have some fun but somehow its killing me. What to do? On one hand i want to keep him around but on the other hand…whats the point, i will get hurt in the long run….

    • Patricia

      Hi Amy…i have read a lot of the comments here and it seems like we have to go with no contact with these men to help restore some peace in our lives. I havent tried it yet but i believe it would hurt but be helpful in the long haul. I think if you have more self control you can have a conversation with your lover to express how you are feeling and end it that way. The only thing about that is you have to be strong enough to follow through if you are really fed up and tired of it. Im in the beginning stages of this myself and i feel i could talk to him so that he knows how i feel and leave him alone but the problem is I enjoy the time spent and the conversations we have that are not about us but just about life in general. It makes me feel like he is my friend. I am probably delusional to think he views me as a friend. I am likely just and outlet and when i am done he will move on to the next outlet and not lose any sleep behind it. I pray for all of us trying to break the cycle. It seems we become addicted to whatever they have to offer us therefore, its challenging to break things off. Its not impossible but it takes time and consistency. This group is supportive and helpful!

  • Amy

    I met this married man online after my divorce. He seemed like a great guy but instead of jumping right into a relationship right after my divorce, I said lets just have some fun for now and see how things go. Things were great, but i sensed some red flags but whatever, it was casual. I started liking him more so i did some digging online and found out hes married. I asked him about it and he denied it…

    So i thought ok maybe I will just have some fun but somehow its killing me. What to do? On one hand i want to keep him around but on the other hand…whats the point, i will get hurt in the long run….

    • Lara

      Amy you ask, “What to do?” My free advice is this: RUN don’t walk away from this situation. Get out ASAP! and don’t look back! (Read my sad story and those of so many others below). I wish you strength!

  • Popo

    Ladies… Haven’t updated in 2 days which only means I’m getting better. I really am. I relapsed No Contact on at day 10 and was taught a very painful lesson. Yup. I was. His rudeness quickly escalated to unthinkable levels. We then exchanged a few civil messages today where we basically agreed that the relationship is over. He says we should be friends no talking about love. Rolls eyes!… That is not happening. I’m not made like that. I’m an All or Nothing person that’s why an affair would have never worked for me.

    This affair has taught me so much about myself in such a short space of time. Whatever is not God sent can be God used. It’s funny I’m not a religious person but daymme this one has brought me to my knees.

    I’m in a funny space. I’m not as angry. You know… For the first time I really do understand. Honestly. I had time to soberly think about it; ending our relationship is the right answer. I know and accept that fully. Its whats right but never quite had the courage. I however realize I started nitpicking being more sensitive, more obsessive, angrier. My anger always came down to the fact that I wasn’t the one tnothing in his beautiful kids. Actually, There was nothing; Absolutely nothing he was going to do to change that one thing that was making me mad… It was always a bottomless pit from my side.

    • Shay

      Popo, I whole heartedly relate to what you’re​ saying. From the situation with the kids, to not being religious and finding myself talking to God!!!! It has indeed brought me to my knees.
      I hope you have gathered ever more strength now as the days go on. I have been told numerous times by him that he just needs time and he is working it out and love will prevail … however when he is with his family and I don’t hear from him at all I know is in my heart that he is devoted to them and is working on being a better husband. It has taken me many months but I know now that his love for me was about what I recognised in him that he needed to feel loved for. I am taking a stance today and blocking his number and email. It almost doesn’t feel right but that is my heart being weak because it has taken a beating. I have written final message and am doing it today. I am just becoming more and more pathetic. I, like you, want him to feel that I am moving on. There is no greater imbalance between two people than in this kind of relationship or whatever it is called. There needs to be a healthy amount of give and take.
      I also feel that he robbed me and did it with trickery. Time to go. This forum has been a great support.

  • Angelina

    Day 6: finaly broke the NC and sent him sum msgs.. the msgs were not hateful like always but i just wrote in a mature manner how i feel now, i hav let go & i learned to detach and be heartless from him.. he just replied saying i still love u but now m with family so things r limited which u dnt like or accept.. wel that was it.. yesterday I cried n prayed to god to relieve me of the pain.. trust me, it helped! I woke up feelin much better today. All this while during NC i was on road to self rediscovery & trying to understand wat is that i miss abt this man or y did i indulge in an extramarital. Today i got the answer. It was the newness! A new experience, curiosity to b with sumone new who gives u attention & complements, maybe i felt beautiful & flattered .. but i dont need a man to make me feel thatway.. i should be confident abt myself.. n yes, sex was awesum! Sumthin that i never experienced with my husband.. i started liking it only with him.. but that’s disgusting on my part! Its adultery and its a crime & a sin! My husband works so hard day & night to giv us both a comfortable life, to save enough money for our new house, for our future, n i was doing this behind his back! The time that my husband wud be outdoors, i was cheating on him with this man! My husband is the one man who loved & loves me truly & unconditionaly! He wud come to pik me at the airport even if my flight lands at 3 am, whereas this disgusting man wud not bother to ask also if i landed safely, or for that matter drop me at the airport even during daylight! So many days NC n the married man is happy in his life, he didn’t call me even once in 6 days n he says he loves me?? Really?? Still i did this to such a nice man like my husband..

  • Clair

    So aggravated right now. We will talk and text and he will just leave the conversation for the day I might add and then won’t talk to him for a few days. I’m always the one initiating the conversation and while we talk it’s nice but just won’t respond anymore. I think I need to start treating him like he treats me and see if he likes it but that’s hard cause I’m not a mean person. It’s like I’m looking for that clarification I need for the day and I’ll be ok but of course he doesn’t give me that half the time. He stopped talking to me yesterday and I know I won’t talk to him this weekend. It just really hurts my feelings.

    • Popo

      Clair…
      The texting no texting and distance from him is not healthy at all. Get out of it. You will see how much time you have wasted waiting in him. It’s funny how we women are. We would rather go through the pain of being ignored than the pain of letting go. I cannot understand it even for myself. Why??
      Been listening to this song, Heavy by Linkin Park. Love the lyrics;

      “….I don’t like my mind right now
      Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
      Wish that I could slow things down
      I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
      And I drive myself crazy
      Thinking everything’s about me
      Yeah, I drive myself crazy
      ‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity…”

      • Lara

        Popo, I think that’s a brilliant question! (You said, “We would rather go through the pain of being ignored than the pain of letting go. I cannot understand it even for myself.”) Yes WHY??? And I love the lyrics! I have blocked my ex married man on my phone the past two weeks and have been feeling better! But for some reason last night, I was feeling so guilty about doing that that I UNBLOCKED my phone knowing he might want to call or text today. DUH! (I am sure he is upset with me for doing this) Then when I awoke I became paralyzed in bed because I could not bear to stand up to get up out of bed to see if the call/text was there or the call/text was not there. Because either way I knew I was not going to be okay. I am not emotioanally prepared to actually deal with a call/text from him. I really am not! If I speak to him now he will only blame me for being “too sensitive” and “too emotional/over reactive.” I will sink into a worse state of loss/depression than I have already been fighting. I know these dynamics all too well. So I lay in bed filling like the biggest fool ever, I swear. Then I pulled myself out of the bed and pressed the BLOCK button again. Instead I saw a warm message from good friend there in my phone. I smiled! The married man in my life was never a warm and dependable friend that’s for sure. But I sure believed he was!

      • Lara

        Popo,
        Correction. Actually after prayer and meditation and a tarot card reading on myself (which have ALL been SO helpful to me lately), I took another step. I unblocked and sent a final goodbye text myself. I decided that rather to block with no words before hand felt like I was running away too much. Which could make me vulnerable in the future to him. Instead I wrote a very short text saying I did not think we should have any contact anymore. That I was now busy with my own life and family. Then I re-blocked. Now I feel like I am stronger not weaker. And I feel good not cowardly. I took the ball into my own hands and spoke my piece. I can not wait sit around and wait for his response however. It could come today or it could come in a week or then again maybe never! And in the meantime I would be paralyzed in depression and anxiety and not take care of my OWN life! This has been a long-term unhealthy situation so I know all of or break-up make up scenarios all too well! Number one lesson I have learned is this: I have to take care of ME because this is my #1 responsibility to myself. (I am single). Power to all of us trying to break free!!

  • Trish

    I am completely heartbroken and devastated, what hurts also is I can’t share this with anyone on my life because it’s wrong dating a married man, no one would dare give me any comfort, for this is what I deserve; which brings me here. I met my married man at work 6 months ago, long story short we met, fell “in love”, had AAAMMMAAAAZZZIIIINNNGGGGGG sex, I even stopped dating and was faithful to him (ironic and dumb, I know) We would talk every morning, ALL day at work, and evenings. I even thought “I wonder what his wife thinks of him being constantly on the phone” He was SO attentive to me! . Fast forward to this past Monday; his wife went through his phone and found some of our saved snap messages. Which weren’t much, but he said he got away with it and made me as if I didn’t exist, was only an “online” thing/ catfish. His explanation was vague. So he kept telling me he didn’t know what to do, he knew he had to end what we had going but didn’t want to lose me, so I made it simple for him and cut him off completely. On Wednesday, He emailed me 2x , called me twice at work, i picked up then hung up on him, and he text me 2x later that night and I ignored those 2, and he called numerous times in my cell, I ignored. Now today, i am MISERABLE and missing and needing him like crazy. I’m in a bad time in my life and he was my world and only happiness even though it was for all the wrong reasons, and I feel insanely unhappy without him. I feel sad and jealous that he’s with his wife all happy, going on as if i never existed and i HATE that he gave up on me even though i blatantly ignored him and essentially the ball is in my court. Any advice or a pep talk is much appreciated

    • Lara

      Trish read carefully through the comments so many of us women have left here and learn about the patterns most of us fall into with these situations. There are NO BETTER times with this man coming your way. The best part is over. Misery is what comes and replaces joy, unfortunately. The sooner you can cut the better. If you wish you can give him an ultimatum but LEAVE while he thinks it over. Give yourself time to heal away from him is my only free advice to you based on my sad and lonely and infuriating years of experience with a married man. Try to cut your losses and RUN in the opposite direction!

    • R. Ballinger

      This email is for Trish. I applaud your moves to ending your affair. I HAVE BEEN STUCK IN AN AFFAIR FOR 17 YEARS!. Dont let anyone take away the best years of your life! You will find happiness again, I am sure.

  • Patricia Jones

    I met the married man I am seeing at my childs sport event. We talked a lot at the practices and finally exchanged numbers. The first date we went on was in Jan. during that date I asked him if he was married and his reply was yes. I said why are you here, he said he was there because financiay it make sense. He is not interested in losing out on all the money he has invested into the marriage. Of course, I told him I dont think I can get comfortable with talking to you and youre married. So my gut said do NOT entertain anything else from this unavailable man but my loneliness said, just dont have sex with him and you are good. So we continued talking and dating (going out to public reataurants) until the first week of March. He came over to make me breakfast and that was the day i slept with him and it was amazing. Primarily because we did so much talking on the phone every day all day. Sneaking to see each other in between dates. We live literally 5-7 minutes apart. One day he even told me to meet him near his home as he was walking his dog in his neighborhood to give him a document he needed. I have picked his child up from his home as him and my child are cool. I felt really horrible about that but it did not stop me from continuing to talk to him. We have had sex about 5 times. One time it took us 3 weeks to have sex and he was so desperate for it that he got us a room. Of course he claims his wife doesnt sleep with him but that is probably is a lie. This past weekend we went out to eat but couldnt find anywhere so we found a chinese restaurant did carry out and came back to the house…my house that is. Of course we had sex and he left about 2am. That Sunday i text him to call when he got a chance. He did an hour later and said he was grilling. I felt jealous because I knew he was there at the house on Easter Sunday with his family (where he shouldve been) I did not hear from him anymore that day. Monday he called me in the evening and talked for a while and he said im going call you back and I said really…you tell me that and dont always call back and he said well i do call back at least 85% of the time (in my head, i said are you really settling for this…what is wrong with you) i said well i am just telling you that you do that more often now. Of course he was sure to call me back that night around 9 and i asked if he was out walking his dog. He said NOPE, i am just sitting outside so i could call my baby back (in my head, I said i love how attentive he is…right now) I said to him, oh thats sweet. Anyway let me speed up to last night. I hadnt really heard from and I was feeling down a little. I knew it was going to be a busy day for me as he gave me the heads up earlier in the week so i wasnt going to bother him. He eventually contacted me via text and then a quick phone call but he had to get back to work. He told me he may not get a chance to talk to me later but he would try to get in touch with me when he could. Well at about 10pm i said they are really working you huh…he replied yes I am STILL here. Long story short, he got home around 3am we text a few times but I was feeling very insecure and thinking he was not at work that late but with another woman…I thought this because I have been reading articles and forums about the disasters of dealing with a MM. Many woman have said if he lie/cheat on his wife he will do the same to you. He has become my highlight of the day, my adult fun, my escape from reality and I am sure there are people who will read this and think you are such an idiot. He will never ever be mine and morally it is wrong with you…I still cant believe I have gotten myself in this type of situation. Ive always been the loyal girlfriend that was cheated on by every guy I was with and now im the other woman…i am still in the beginning stages and Im sure it is probably best to leave now. I am not sure why i havent found the strength to get out…

    • Lara

      Patricia I understand you 1000 per cent! I have been there…done that…All of it! I remember the beginning of my affair as one of the “best” moments romantically in my life. I was newly separated from my husband (about 6 months into my separation) and I had been dating single men and it had been hard going. Then I met the married man by accident on my sidewalk. (Or I should say he schemed to meet me). I thought he was crazy when he said he suggested we have an affair. But for some reason I dove in. Everyone around me said “NO” do not go there! No! And I had never been with a married man and it worried my sisters and friends alike. But I ignored everyone! The beginning of my affair was like a dream a fantasy and I fell so hard for this married man who worked very very close to my house. All my pain seemed to melt away with him. We had so much sex and so many moments together and I seriously got very bonded with this man. (And hooked to him!) I have never fallen in love so hard with anyone I swear. I just went with my “feelings” for him. I reasoned in my brain that “of course he will leave his wife for me” as we were so “happy” and “truly in love”. Little did I know he had other plans. While he said “he loved me yes”, he also never ever said “he would or could leave his wife”. I could not understand this whatsoever. I confronted him on this and he got very angry and defensive saying. “I never said I would leave her.” He said, I just I was “unhappy”! Grrrr….I thought that was the same thing! Duhhhhh…..I wondered: How could he love me and not leave her? I just could not compute this reality whatsoever. My brain could not compute. After a few months things started deteriorating in a bad way. He said, I became “clingier” and “needier” as he began pulling back from me. He said I should just stay “more cool” with the situation….I tried so hard to “be cool” but honestly I just wanted him to want me and to choose me! I started drinking heavily just to try and “be cool” with all my boiling emotions…..Fast forward…….This married man is STILL with his wife after many many years. I got so hurt it is hard to describe the pain I suffered and it took me many many break ups over many years to get totally away from him. (I have had some times of being away from him for as much as a few years then going back ). I kept thinking, “if I just improve myself” he “will love me and leave her.” I could not accept that he was betraying and lying to BOTH of us not just her. He was lying to me about things at home. Anyhow, MY married man will never leave his wife and he will always cheat: simple as that. If not with me then with someone else. This is built into his psyche and his behavior and I am much better off without him because I could NEVER trust him. But I have wasted years of my life trying to convince him what a good partner I could be and how loving I could be. In the end I have been exploring how all my behavior is actually related to personal relationship trauma much earlier in my life: with my parents and my family of origin. It is not about the married man after all; it is about ME and my choices and my lack of self care! So here is the hope for me at least: I have been working on healing from this trauma to make better choices for myself now. I learned that actually an affair can be a sign that growth and change are needed for people. It can be an “opportunity” for us to get to know ourselves better. But it all depends what we choose to do as individuals. And damn what a PAINFUL lesson! Be prepared for real pain as you break free. You might need a counselor to help you too. And your close friends. And maybe ever anti-depressants but there is no shame in needing all the help you can get! Trust me: It is no joke getting out of an affair! It is a really really hard thing to do because of the pain involved and the lost dreams and hopes.
      But if the married man is not going to leave his wife it is a truly hopeless situation and it is emotional quicksand…the more you are in it, the harder it is to get out of it

      • Angelina

        Omg lara! I feel really sad to read ur story.. but u know wat? If u hav read other comments in this forum, u wud b familiar with the fact that NONE OF THE MARRIED MEN LEAVE THEIR WIVES. Thats the fact, irrespective of how unhappy they r, however boring she is, or how much ever he claims to love u. I read an article by a known counsellor where she mentioned that only 1 percent of men involved in an extra marital actually leave their wives for the girlfriend.. unfortunately, its the women suffering coz of those 99% who come to this forum & write. Its so simple for these disgusting married men to cheat on their wives & in the process break hearts of the girlfriends & then return to their usual life. Its very simple, if hes cheating on her & he WILL cheat on u. If hes bored of her, he will soon be bored of u and seek better stuff. Men who r genuinely UNHAPPY in their marriages do not do extramaritals, they come out of the wedlock for a better life. Only those who want adventure stay in marriage n seek pleasure outside as well. But i do agree, it takes immense amount of time, pain, tears, anti-depressants & even therapies to get over the breakup! My wounds r still fresh & i need a dressing everyday. The man i was with had a strange theory.. he would say that hes not unhappy with his wife, but he loves me! Shes the mother of his son so he respects her, cares for her & has responsibility towards her. I asked him numerous times if he loves her, then he used to give a very smart reply which is that he doesn’t hate her, but he loves me! Wtf does that even mean??? Either u love sumone, or u dnt , but wats this pathetic thing which he had been tellin me? He too was clear from day 1 that HE WUD NEVER, n that means NEVER leave her… he still was havin sex with her which left my heart shattered.. y wud he if he loves me? Anyway, m still trying to heal myself n come out of it..one day i feel better, the other day m at my worst.. i experience constant mood swings & the urge to msg him, stalk him on social networks. Hes living his life normally, as if i never existed, nor does he think or care to ask anythn abt me. I know for a fact he wud cheat on his wife agn, he wil never stop.. once a cheat, always a cheat!

      • Popo

        Lara Oh my word! Its like they read the same memo. I was also told I was clingier and needier! Huh.
        Its true that you start digging deep. Your childhood. Affairs are like exorcisms. They force you to look deep inside yourself and cast the demons out. Thinking of you…

  • Mhbb

    My married man came back from vacation today. We have been texting all along in the last a few weeks after my one week nc. He went to his office in the evening after plane landed. We chatted for a while. We haven’t seen each other or chat for a while. The whole conversation was very pleasant. No clingy , no drama. No demanding. Just very peaceful. We confirmed dinner at nyc Monday night . I hope it won’t turn to craziness again.

    Ladies, I suggestion is a little NC always help for clarify the mind and make urself a little detached and independent. Men respect that. I feel people r like planets have own indiuadual traveling orbits. Sometime two planets meet and travel togather for a while until they part away. Some planet have more magnetic attractions another . Might influence the other planets traveling direction a little bit. Still each have their own identities.

    People in love tend to forget their own identify. They devote themselves to another people completely unconditional. Unfortunately, MM can’t give a woman everything she needs emotionally . Then we shouldn’t give them everything we have. So that we will more balanced psychologically .

    I did only 7 days nc. But I think it’s great for both of us. It much better relationship now. I’ll keep updated with Monday dinner experience.

    • Popo

      Mhbb what a lovely planets analogy. So true. However, it is not a much better relationship. What you are describing is the fix you just got and you are feeling happy about the relationship. It will not last long. Before you know it all the things that made you mad will be back. He will go on holiday again…….
      You are going to see him on Monday be on a high…. Will last a few days. You will want to see him again. The cycle will start..
      There really is only one solution…..

  • Clair

    So I’ve been talking to him again because we were on day 6 of no contact and he decides to ask me how I’m doing! Well how do you think I’m doing??? Anyways, been talking for a week and actually saw him Monday. He wants me to be part of his life but has so much on his plate he says that we shouldn’t talk everyday that way he won’t be so overwhelmed. I’m hanging on to every word he says just to get that clarification I need to go on about my day. I was fine until he started contacting me again! Now I’m waiting on his text everyday. I’m just so consumed by him and I’m so tired of being ok with us not being together and then back at it again. Its exhausting.

    • Carla

      My affair with married man is nearly a year but slightly different he works in my town away from his wife and goes home to her to see his son he says every six weeks or so for weekend then comes back and lives with me he’s told her he lodges here he says he wants to leave her and he wants the marriage to dissolve in its own way but I’ve found messages on his phone telling her he loves her and misses her why say that if u are trying to distance urself from wife she suspects he’s seeing me but he says he’s neither denied or confirmed it but they havnt discussed it I checked her fb and she’s put photos of them both from this weekend all lovely fovey after he says they don’t talk or intimate at all I keep trying to walk away from him but he always wears me down he it’s like I’m the wife and she’s the baby mother cud he lives here with me I don’t know wat to do he says he loves me please help any advise

      • Lara

        Hi Carla, If you see messages from him saying he loves her, and if you see lovey photos on FB the red flags are all there that your man is a good liar! (Both to you and his wife) MM’s are so good at lying. In fact mine is so good at it I believed the lies again and again. I too saw images of him and his wife all lovey dovey and the Valentine’s Day pic actually made me puke! And I saw an “i love you” message accidentally a year ago, when I was still in denial about his lies. Those two things made me finally start understanding that the married man I was with was a pathological and chronic liar. And very good at lying! Try to break through your own denial gently and realize that you are not alone. So many of us here have been lied to and have believed the lies. But sooner or later we can wise up and get stronger and make decisions to LEAVE the relationship for our won good. Remember if he lies to “her” he can and will lie to you!

      • Popo

        Carla he loves her otherwise he wouldn’t tell her. Infact he would have divorced by now. You telling yourself she’s like baby mama is justification for you to stay in this. I can guarantee you right now they are making plans on how the family will come together long term. When that happens -either wife comes or he goes back to his city. It is going to kill you!

    • Popo

      Clair, you have fallen right back into the dark pit. Its tough. Great thing is you saw the light during your NC. What does that mean do not talk everyday. All it does is allow him to come in and out when he pleases. This way, he perfectly manages down your expectations. No. Don’t agree to that. It will just hurt you.

  • Angelina

    Day 4: I got up feeling much better this morning. Am smiling, listening to happy numbers, not crying and feeling positive. I havent cried even once since morning & thats a good sign (or not?). Everyday is different & today might be a better one, but it wont be like this everyday for sure. I will agn breakdown, cry, miss him, crave for him, feel angry & frustrated.. its a vicious circle! I am hoping that I have just accepted that its time to move on & not grieving his loss anymore. He messaged me last evening. I didnt expect him to, but he did. It was very general & to the point. We had an abrupt ending to the conversation. Sumhow by messaging yesterday, he gave me a hope that today morning he will agn msg, like he used to normaly.. atleast a good morning. or he will message to ask if we can talk & then call? he wil make efforts.. But he didnt, its ok, am not unhappy about it. Good only, makes it easier for me to understand that he has moved on & helps me to move on as well. he was hoping i will probably tell him am really unwell & depressed, like i was last week wen he did all that to me. but i didnt & m not. even if i were, i would not tell him. he didnt tel me if he misses me or still wants me back (while m still looking at my phone constantly & hoping he will, but he has a big fat male ego) or probably, i was right, m not needed anymore.. anyway, i dnt wana go back to past & waste my sanity agn analyzing what, why & how.. i just know that i need to keep goin & not look back. I keep telling myself that the door is now closed & he or anyone for that matter cant enter to play with me. I wont allow him to hold one string of mine in his hand & pull it wenever he feels like. I have other things to concentrate on & m trying to keep myself busy. If he wanted me, he would have not waited for 2.5 days to msg, & wen he did, he could have said that he misses me. he knows that i cant be mad at him for long, even if i try to fake it initially. And today agn hes gone! So yes.. i dont need him in my life! infact, i look at this way, he never was mine. i never lost anything that was mine.. he was just an illusion which vanished away with time.

    Yesterday, at the Gym, i learned something which tells me about life.. My trainer asked me to do walking lunges across the breadth of the room. He told me to do 5 rounds holding 5 kg weight in my hand. Wen i started walking, I could hardly balance myself. I kept stumbling.It seemed to be taxing & annoying. Round 2 was also difficult & I kept tripping. In round 3, i found it slightly easier & I only stumbled twice or thrice maybe. But at the end of it, that is Round 5, I could walk perfectly, without stumbling even once! This activity motivated me to move on! I realized that I have the will & strength to get up and walk without stumbling even after falling & failing so many times. And I will imply this in my No Contact exercise as well. M sure like the walking lunges, it will only make me stronger! 🙂 I hope & pray that i stand stronger each day than the previous one..

    • Popo

      Beautiful analogy on the lunges Angelina. So true. We do get stronger after every attempt. Its like a young eagle learning how to fly. Fall often then finally you are gone. Well done!! Hear is the thing though….even if he starts sending you morning messages Angelina, you still have got to let this man go. I look at these challenges as a blessing. Us suddenly realising that we are being given crumbs is like an exorcism. We are forced to cast the demons out and suddenly see that hang on…. This whole train was headed for a disaster….

  • Dani

    My story is a little different. We are in our 60’s. Met him when I was 16. We dated off and on for 4 years. At 17, I had a miscarriage. He always was a player. Which fascinated me. At 20 met my future husband, 3 yrs later we married. Never forgot my lover, kept him tucked nicely away in my heart. Hubby passed away after 31 yrs of marriage. 7 years later, lover’s dad passed away. I sent my condolences. He wrote back, inviting me to visit. I didn’t reply. Yr later heard from him again. Wanting me to stay in contact. I wrote once, not again. Yr later heard from him again. This time I responded. Yr later moved to his area of the country. 2 1/2 years later, we ‘re still going at it. He’s married 38 yrs, never says anything bad about wife. Said from the very beginning he wants cake and eat it too. That they no longer have a sex life. Which i have trouble believing, but don’t want to know otherwise. I thought I would have more control over my feelings. That I would be able to walk away. But no. I love him more every day. Have tried several times to break away. No luck. This time lasted for 4 days. I know better than this. At first, justified it by saying I loved him first and if it wasn’t for him being a player, he would be my husband. Thankfully, he wasn’t.

  • immie

    I have the a sad and sorry tale to tell, which is causing me immeasurable agony. 21 years ago I started a new job and was introduced to a married man who was to become an important part of my life. I felt the thud of OMG – if there is such a thing of love at first sight this was it! Bizarre – I was in a happy relationship at the time so it was something i was aware of, but did not pursue. Anyway – life moves on and this person eventually came to work with me. We struck up a friendship as is normal in working environments and over two or three years this grew closer. At one point we got, arguable too close, and we stopped it, but it started again 15 years ago. For 2 years we had what cab only be described as a semi physical affair – foreplay in many places but no sex. (Can I just say that by explaining it in detail like this is quite hard 🙁 ) Then things progressed slowly, as the opportunity presented, and boy was the sex good! Our working relationship was strong, good and healthy, and the physical side was a bonus. This went on for 14 years with only one period of 8 weeks of so where change of heart was made. The physical side was AMAZING – over time it got better and better.

    So, onto today – 12 months ago, the wife decided that we were too close and she didn’t like it. Since then the working environemtn has been strange. He changes from speaking to me normally to talking to me with contempt. It’s hateful and is destroying a job (and career) that I loved. I don’t know what to do! I still love my job and need to find a resolution!

    • Mhbb

      Wow, that’s very long time affair. R u single? How can he hundle between u and family for so long ? I had a major argument with my married man 3 weeks ago. I did nc for one week. Then we haven’t seen each other. But we texted back and forth quite a bit after nc . We supposed to dinner togather at nyc next week for one month break up . I asked him tonight : how’s the life without me? He answer: see that’s the thing . You think we aren’t togather . My life is with u .
      I feel some space create some independence, mysterious , less clingy , less heaviness, less jealousy .
      I think your married man is confused . Trying to push u away a little bit .

      • immie

        Thanks for the reply Mhbb. I am single, yes, and trying to rebuild my life without him in it. In a funny sort of way, I suppose I’m fortunate I am single. To try to cope with the heartbreak if I’d been in a relationship at the same time would have been impossible I think. I miss him so much, even though I know it was wrong, but it’s the friendship I miss more than anything. 🙁

        I think men can compartmentalise their lives so much easier than women?

  • Popo

    I just spend the last 24 hours dying to come here to write… possibily the worst 24 hours of my life. Today is Day 10 NC. I know many reading this are rooting for me. It’s in these stories we recognize our won lives. How similar we are. How similar intertwined and real the pain we have shared is. Maybe I will help someone 4, 5, 10 years from today….

    Only that it’s not my Day 10 NC. Last night broke my own No Contact.

    What I experienced after that is the worst kind of cruelty. I was punished for it. Coldness like I have never known. I knew it would happen but not like that. He has never been that rude to me. Breaking NC after ignoring mm is a recipe for literally lying on the highway and asking the car to drive over you. Disaster. It’s a no no. I know for sure now. There is no good reason to go back to the same addictive cycle of pain-relief….pain-relief…

    What happened. So last night I was at a funeral and was feeling sad (an excuse) and thought… hmmm maybe he is genuinely worried about me (another excuse), I can’t just ghost the guy (an excuse), let me tell him so he can leave me alone (another excuse), he is so influential at work what if he messes things up for me (an excuse).. Anyway it happened so fast…I responded to his messages. My response… ‘Hi I’m ok… Just trying to let go…..’

    His responses.
    You are disgusting and so self obsessed why did you not let me know you were ok. I was worried
    You are so so cruel you used me in our relationship
    I don’t know who you are anymore anymore, you are a stranger
    We no longer have a relationship wouldn’t care if I never see you in my life
    Delete my number
    Fu*k off
    You acted out of character I don’t respond to messages because you know that’s who I am. Not responding is what makes me, me.
    I don’t know who you are, you are a different person. A stranger
    I fall in love with a soul, your soul is disgusting
    I had fallen in love with you because you were sensible
    Don’t patronize me
    You are playing silly games
    I am going to block you from whatsapp
    I honestly might have never known you
    You would do anything to suit self including tell someone’s secrets to despise them
    You exploited my personality….

    His anger completely caught me off guard. Completely. Wow. I went from saying but this but that.. to sorry sorry, I’m really I apologize. I just wanted to get away. I am physically so exhausted from being dragged in this mud and from the back and forth the last 24 hours. It’s true what they say… You play with a pig, it pulls you in the mud. You get dirty, the pig likes it. There is NO POSSIBLE reason to break No Contact! None. My last message was… I will not send you any message after this, that’s for everything you have done for me
    ……. He has done nothing for me. I was so sick of it all I just wanted to get away. It sucks…SUCKS that I have to reset. Although this time I am a little stronger. You need an incredible amount of presence, constant self awareness to avoid the traps.

    My husband told me this morning that I was laughing in my sleep. It could almost be funny if my heart wasn’t so bruised. He said I seem happier. This time I am really ready. Help only comes when you are truly ready to receive it…..

    • hardtime

      I am so sorry this happened to you but also thank you for telling this story, it has helped me today. I am day 9 no contact and have been wanting to contact him for the last few days but keep making excuses of why I cant. Hearing your story has helped because the way we left things were not great but still not hurtful, I just asked him not to contact me for a month(we had been friends for 10 years together for 6 ahh that is too long)and I did not want to give the friendship up but I am thinking I did that 6 years ago. He blocked me on facebook after i sent the message. So I can go through text but being strong. I hope you feel better.

    • Mhbb

      Hate is not an opposite of love. Indifference is . He is very angry because u ghosted him for 10 days . Any emotions r good. Means he still loves u and hurts because of your lack of response . It’s easy fix if you want to get back with him. Unfortunately, if you want to leave, you have to restart nc again.

    • Rhea

      Popo,
      Don’t beat yourself up. You start over, except this time you’re stronger. Maybe you needed that venom – it will only push you further along in your healing.
      His anger means one thing. He is hurt that you rejected him. He is used to you being under his foot. He doesn’t like you being strong and in control. Screw him. After you loved him, he would be so vile? He’s an insecure man and preyed on your vulnerability. He liked you timid. He’s only angry because he’s lost control and not because he’s lost you. He’s not saying, “baby I’m sorry I’ve put you in this position.”
      You set the clock and start over.

    • Aria

      Pop,
      I think sometimes clearity can help you so much.
      Now I figure out there is a name for this kind of relationship “mental abused relationship”. And that’s why some stories here are exactly the same.
      It’s like expecting a baby to cry isn’t a weird thing cause that’s what they do. So absolutely they gonna act like that.
      It’s the same. When I broke up he told me I’m a lier and cheater

      Can u imagine this from a man who is cheating at the moment?

      So I can feel your pain but don’t punish your self for an abusive person.
      I know is easy to say cause I have more or less powerless days but do try.

    • Lara

      Popo this man is clearly angry but in total denial as well. While he can clearly see YOUR role in his misery, he can not see his OWN role in this situation! He is blaming you like he had nothing to do with the relationship. But he takes zero responsibility for the situation. Don’t pay him any mind! He is surely trying to control you with his anger and guilt now, knowing now that you have the strength to leave so he lashes out. But he is really immature. Don’t fall for the trap! You are too smart for this. I laughed when he said, “I don’t respond to messages because you know that’s who I am. Not responding is what makes me, me.” That is pretty funny! Never were truer words spoken by a Married man. Not answering texts is so classic for them, isn’t it? I blocked all social media and my phone with my ex MM 11 days ago. Before that we had occasional text/phone contact for the past couple of months but it was really draining. We haven’t been together in person and alone since Christmas however. Cutting contact completely is really painful. I long for him and miss him and dont’ know how I am going to live without him at times. But the point I got to is I didnt know how I was going to live with him either! It was like being caught between a rock and hard place. Total misery. All the experts say we must cut contact completely so I am trying that now. My way sure wasn’t working as every text or phone call he made to me made crazy emotional and huge mood swings. I see huge emotional immaturity in my MM too and in myself as well to even think I could “change” him with my “love”, Blech! Live and learn!

    • lillian

      popo that shows he still loves you .mine is like that abit he wouldnt abuse me but he will blow up my phone with calls or apologies for what he doesnt know his done.He will plead till i let him in again truth he could be loving me but i cant be aside woman i want out hope i dont listen to him this time and i move on.
      he lied he was separated i would have never let him in.
      do you want him back or you want to let him go.
      i want to let go of mine thats all i want do not know how i will forget him his on my mind all the time but well tie heals all wounds i think if we got over other exs we will get over these ones.God will see us through.

  • Smc3

    Hi everyone ugh….I need some advice. I am involved with a married man and we have been together for a year and a half. Yes 18 months. It all started when we found each other on a site for married people looking for attention. I was in a marriage with no affectionate of any kind I hadn’t been with my husband in over a year sexually. Even though I knew I should didn’t want to leave because my daughter was almost out of high school and I thought geez I’ve waited this long. So I just decided to seek affection elsewhere. I know not the best thing to do but I felt like hey if both parties are up front then no one gets hurt. He was completely up front and said he’s married with 2 daughters and has zero intentions of leaving his family. Mainly because a few years ago he left his wife and was alone for a year and realized he missed his daughters so much and wanted to be with them everyday. So he went back and tried to make it work with his wife but after 8/10 months things went back to the way it was before their separation. He was also very unhappy but was not going to leave again because he felt giving his daughters a “family unit” was more important than his personal happiness. He’s never spoken bad about his wife he says she’s a great mom and that they get along well enough to coexist and raise the girls. He says it’s like their business partners. I think there are times they are closer and maybe they try to make it more but at the end of the day they just grown apart and he’s not in love with her.
    So we met in late October of 2015 and it’s been like a whirlwind of wonderful. He says all the right things we have so much fun when we’re together and the intimacy is off the charts amazing. He says he feels the same way. He first told me he loved me in Feb of 2016 and in March of 2016 I decided to leave my marriage. Honestly it wasn’t because of him. I mean yes because of what he showed me I left because it helped me realize that I do deserve someone to desire me and want to be with me. So yes, in that respect I left because he helped me see things clearly. But I never left because I thought he’d leave or that I could convince him to leave. But now fast forward to a year after I left and ugh I’m still with him. I’m not sure I imagined this I really thought I’d be single for 6 months or so and get tired of being along and start dating. But I haven’t. I’m still alone and I am available to him whenever he wants. I see him usually twice a week (sometimes more) for a few hours each time. This has been no big deal really because I haven’t really want a “relationship” but in the past few months I have. I want to find someone to be with in a normal setting. Someone I can go to dinner with someone who we can spend the night together. But im so in love with this man. We’ve never argued except maybe once we had a serious discussion I told him he was not treating me right because he was having some business problems and he basically crawled in a hole. So I said hey either get back to who you were or I’m done. I’ve never asked him to leave, I don’t want to be that person who makes him choose me. I want him to choose me because he wants too.
    But I fear he won’t until his youngest daughter is older which at the least is 3 more years. I just don’t know how to end it. I know I’ll be so sad without him and I know I’ll have good days and bad. But I just don’t know how to break it off. I could do no contact but it seems cruel because he’s never lied to me and said he would leave for me. I just want something more and don’t know how to go about letting him go.

    • SoInLove

      Hell Smc3,

      I can so understand what you’re goin thru. I am in a very similar situation. I have been involved with my mm for 2 years. I know all about loving him but wanting something more, something normal. I want that too but am afraid to let go of my mm because I love him so damn much. But I crave normalcy. I crave being taken out to a movie or dinner, just regular dates. I have tried so many times to convince myself to break it off with him and find someone I could have normal with. But I can’t seem to let myself. I would love to talk more with you. My email is natoma.edwards@yahoo.com if you are up for chatting.

  • pcaw

    I was involved with a man who didn’t tell me he was married, until the day his wife found the proof she needs for divorce that he’s been cheating. It’s been 4 months​ of NC from me, but the wife keeps stalking me and sending messages that make it look like they’re from him telling me I need to move on. How in the world am I supposed to do that when they insist on throwing salt in a wound?

    • Jannie

      I too was involved with a married man for 5 months before discovering he was married. Something felt “off” to me so I did a search from his hometown (he’s in the military and stationed in my city) and found a marriage license dated 10 days before we met! Fast forward we have been on and off the whole time. I’m on day 4 of NC without giving an explanation or goodbye. I did that a month ago and then stupidly contacted him two weeks ago and resumed sleeping with him but this time I vow to be done. Part of me wishes his wife knew as no woman deserves this especially since the very beginning of the marriage and has been going on for almost a year! But I will never tell her no matter how badly I want to. She will find out in due time. In fact I think most women already know in their gut but don’t want to acknowledge the truth. These men are insecure boys who need their ego stroked constantly.

  • Angelina

    Day 3: I woke up agn feeling restless & weak. I thought time would heal everything & each day wud b better than the previous one, but its vice-versa in my case! M gettin & feelin worse each day. I cant stop thinking about him & its increasing as each day passes. I keep looking at time & imagine him doing his routine stuff, since I knew his routine. Its really really really difficult.. at times i wonder if he’s feeling even a bit of wat i feel? How can my going away not affect him at all? he used to say all those things to me, that he wont ever let me go, he wil go out of his way to get me back if i leave him, he cant live without me, he wants to age with me, he needs me in all walks of his life etc etc… so how did he chuck me out of his life so quickly, like we never ever existed! I keep looking at my phone & watsapp, hoping he might msg.. but he didnt.. its been 3 days & he didnt.. wish i were strong like him, or shudnt hav got so emotionaly involved, just like him.. he only loves & cares abt his family & i never ever stood anywhere.. true, it was only a momentary thing for him… at the same time, i dont wish to know anything wat was there from his side, how he feels about me now, whether or not hes ok, & what he’s doing, coz it will only cause me more pain.
    My heart is wounded, bruised, battered & it aches all the time. i feel am falling deeper into depression & the more i try to pull myself out, the deeper i fall down.. i crave for him all the time. but i love myself the most & if he doesnt want me in his life, i wont insult myself by going back to him. wen i look at the messages i sent him wen we fought last few times, i feel like a psycho! wen did i stop respecting myself like that? how can i allow sumone to control my life this way? i remember he once told me, there was emptiness in his life so i came in, if i go away, the room will be vacant agn & sumone else will come in. u dont die without anyone & thats true. but u do stop living & thats wat has been happening with me. i can best describe it as ANGER-DEPRESSION-MISSING HIM- LONGING FOR HIM- CRYING-CURSING HIM-REVENGE. i have no idea wat to do in order to forget him & move on in my life.. i pray to god each minute, either send him back to me or take him off me completely, but dont give me this pain. i still havent been able to eat. I thought i will only stand stronger at the end of day, but m becoming weaker & sadder. i dont know how to get over this pathetic BREAK-UP, but i dnt hav a choice. i swore that i wont make the 1st move & i will stick to it. i should only think about how he disrespected me, dumped me wen he was done & wat all he said to me.. I always behave like a psycho n send him crappy msgs n dats wen he msgs me. If i dnt, even he wont.. so this time i should just let him be.
    i dnt knw wats causing me more pain.. the fact that i broke up with him, his words or his apathy towards me? Everytime i hav to tel him how miserable i feel without him & thats wen he finally decides to msg me & then blames it on me that i talk rudely, thats y he didnt msg me all this while.. m waiting for the day wen i wil be over him in such a nice manner that reading all these journals will only make me laugh & i will laugh at my stupidity, just like i laugh about my teenage & college breakups! I dnt knw wen that day will come! I really really really loved him , it amazes me how he never ever felt any pain while battering my heart this way!!

    • Angelina

      Ok so update.. he sent me a message today!!FINALYY on day 3.. it was like general hi how r u? So I replied saying am good how about u.. then he told me he’s not good coz of sum personal issues.. i just replied saying best of luck n that was the end of our conversation.. am still abiding by wat i said.. i wont be the one to contact him, EVER!! I dnt knw if he will msg agn since I didn’t giv him much attention, so it wud hav bruised his big fat male ego! But atleast m happy, not coz he msgd, but i guess coz it satisfies my own ego 🙂 😉 m in much better mood now than morning.. for a change listening to hip hop instead of heartbreak songs! Finally smiling after 3 days 🙂

      • Popo

        Angelina I know the feeling of being happy after the message BUT you can’t always be waiting for a message for 3 days. You are right at the ego. Its a bottomless pit. You are only happy now because you just got the fix. Another day from now you will be livid again.
        Most importantly, Don’t lose sight of the real reason you want to leave him. He is married. You are married and hes not about to make you his second wife. All these other issues are distractions but brought into our lives thankfully to bring us to this moment. Seperate ourselves from the mess we have jumped into.
        Its tough but this is the roller coaster and cycles people go through until before you know its a 16 year affair. Its an addiction. You cannot keep relapsing. All the best….By the way how long were you together?

      • Angelina

        Popo, u r so right! M craving for the next fix! Its difficult coz I never heard back from him agn in 24 hours 🙁 but m struggling n fighting.. btw, we dated for 5 months. He was workin in my city wen i met him & went back to his hometown in march, so 1 month long distance..

    • Lara

      Oh Angelina I feel for you! I have been there too! SO many times I am afraid. But I am finally learning! Angelina, it’s not about love. We were duped. The connections we had with the married men were about “need fulfillment” and “holes” we all have in our lives and trying to fill these holes, but it is not about real “love”. We have emotional holes in us and the married men have holes and we try to fill the holes with the affair. That’s why these married men bolt so quickly IMHO. When we deny them what they are used to getting from us (the ‘quick fix’ we provide) they withdraw. And we feel used up and abandoned. But we got confused by our feelings. The roots of our behavior go way back in our lives to long before the married man was in our lives. A loving therapist is often needed to help us out of these affairs because breaking up stirs pains and anxieties in us we have buried in ourselves from long ago. The affair is just the “symptom”. Stay strong and reach out to get some help and support! Do not try and do this alone! I am sending you giant hugs xx00000

    • Rhea

      Angelina,
      Hang in there. You are expecting too much from yourself. It’s only day 3. On day 13, it may feel like this. On day 30, it may feel like this. But one day, soon, I promise, it won’t be this painful. You have to go through this process. There is no other way around it but to feel the pain. It’s ok to hurt and to cry. For me, its almost 2 months and there is not an hour that I am awake that he is not on my mind. I came to my my office today (had been out for a few days) and checked the missed calls. Not even one strange number. Not one message on my phone in 2 months. The detachment is sooo shocking to my psyche. But these men are pros at this and we allowed them to use us. They don’t deserve any woman to want them like this. I am done with that. I will never let myself be any man’s doormat again. I will give men what they give me and nothing more.
      Distract yourself. Go out. Do things. Hide your phone. Delete him from your phone so that you can’t see his activity on whatsapp. That’s not your problem anymore. Let his wife deal with his cheating self. You take care of you. Do something nice. Go get a mani/pedi. Buy yourself a latte. Do your hair. Watch a movie. Take your phone off for a week.
      Be strong.

      • Nomad

        Hi Rhea…
        Have you moved on? It’s almost a year since your last post. I like what you wrote and I could resonate because I’m currently in this phase whereby mm could detach and act as if I do not exist. I put on strong front but hurts so much that I want to reach out

        • Newbie

          I’ve just found out I’ve been cheated on.
          It’s been a year. Well, 8 days over to be precise. Since I met a man and allowed him through my defences.
          He told me he’d never hurt me.
          He told me he wasn’t like other guys.
          He told me to give him credit as he wouldn’t go with anyone else because ‘he was with me.’
          He told me I was his favourite person.
          He even told me he cared.
          He told me the only time he was happy was when he was with me.

          And yet, today, at around 10am my world came crashing down. For some reason or other he wasn’t able to access his Facebook account and so I offered to help because I know a bit more about stuff like that than he does. I managed to get Facebook to send him a reset code to his phone, which he sent me. It worked, and it promoted me for a new password. I’m not sure why I decided to look at his messages. I guess when you have a niggling feeling about something sometimes you can’t help yourself.
          Turns out that ‘niggling feeling’ was spot on.
          He’d been messaging another girl since at least November. Probably longer but looks like he’d deleted the rest of the convo. And I knew now I definitely wasn’t being paranoid.
          He was asking her to send him pics on Snapchat. She told him she didn’t like her body. He said he’d be the judge of that and how he loves small boobs.
          He called her his favourite.
          I skimmed a lot of it because I felt sick and started feeling faint. But by the looks of things they’d definitely been physically intimate with each other. He was making jokes about slapping her ass when he next saw her and they were both on about times they’d next get together.

          I confronted him and all he had to say for himself was how he’d thought I wanted to help but all I’d wanted to do was get into his fb. Well wrong actually because at first I thought I’d just be able to send a reset link for him to do it himself. I didn’t know it was gonna ask ME for a code only I’d be able to use.

          I messaged her basically letting her know she wasn’t the only one.
          I blocked her afterwards. She then tried messaging me over Instagram telling me if I told his wife to leave her name out of it and how they were just friends who had banter and how they’d never done anything like that together.

          Whatever. Blocked her on that.

          ….I blocked him too.

          And all I can take from this is for future reference: listen to your gut feelings. Don’t be so quick to trust and the fact that they’ve done this is a reflection of their selfishness and lack of respect and remorse.

          The only thing I know for sure just now is I’m not going back. Never ever will I speak or see him again.

          As the saying goes:

          “Fool me once, shame on you.
          Fool me twice?, shame on me.”

          That was yesterday…. today hurts even more I just wish there was an easy way through this 🙁 I think I’ve done the right thing blocking him and not giving him the opportunity to wheedle his way out of it… doesn’t make it hurt any less though. I had a full blown panic attack at work and I haven’t eaten since. I just feel sick. Wheenever I’ve gone to sleep I just dream about him then wake up crying and shaking. But I’m so determined I won’t unblock him. I won’t go back.

          I should add that yes he was already married but not in a happy one.

  • Jannie

    So glad that I found this site. So many similar stories. I met my Married man last May on a dating site. Dated until October when my gut told me something wasn’t right. Mind you this whole time he presented himself as SINGLE. After I told him I didn’t feel that I was what he wanted in his life right now he agreed and said things felt distant and maybe we should stop while we are still on good terms. We had been talking and texting everyday for months, going out on dates every weekend and visiting each other’s homes. But he was quick to let it go. Again I thought he was SINGLE. I did a search that night and found a marriage license dated 10 days before we met!!! His wife was living out of state due to the fact he’s in the military! Fast forward that I didn’t talk to him for a month after finding out and being devastated. He reached out and I stupidly agreed to meet him. We slept together and then he left to go home for holidays. Fast forward to a week later he comes back with wife and her daughter in tow! I told him I was done and have a nice life. Two months later he texts to say Happy New Year. I again stupidly respond and have been in an affair with him since January. Him always sneaking to my home to see me. A month ago I broke it off saying that I had feelings and knew he didn’t feel the same way. He agreed and said the longer this goes on the harder it will be to end it. But that if I ever want a friendly chat I know where to find him. Missed him like crazy, feeling like going through withdrawal but for three weeks stayed strong. Broke down and text him just to say hope things are going well and it started it all back up again. He came over a few days later we slept together and he says I love you for the first time. I’m so so upset with myself for being weak and contacting him. I know this is wrong and it’s been eating me up. I know I don’t really want to be with him in a relationship as I would never ever trust him. I haven’t text him now in 4 days with no explanation and I want to go strictly NC without a goodbye or anything. Please any advice is appreciated. I’m divorced single mom of two. I work full time, have a growing beauty business, have lost 40 pounds in the last year and by all accounts doing well for myself except for the situation with him. Why can’t I stop thinking about him and just let this go??? It makes no sense to me. I’m so disappointed and sickened with myself for allowing this to go on and off for almost a year. I know better than this and know I deserve better than this.

  • Aria

    Ladies
    I need your help. I’ve done such a horrible thing to my self I checked his instagram.
    And there was a picture of him with her wife wrote the power of Married Man is smile of the lady beside him.
    Gush
    I was blown away by that. What the f…k?you came to my life and make a hell out of it and now just that easy?
    I feel dead I’m so depressed like all my soul is gone and I’m just like have to carry this body full of pain and I feel I can’t do it any more. I’m so broken. So much
    I can’t do it I really can’t carry this pain any more.

    • Jannie

      I am so sorry. We do not deserve this. These married men are totally selfish and I believe they are unhappy with themselves deep down and that is why they do the things that they do. I don’t understand how they can hop back and forth from one woman to the next. I’m on day 4 of NC without telling him it’s over. Haven’t heard from him either so I’m hoping it’s dead now.

  • Popo

    Day 9 NC… Woke up so happy. Didn’t know life could get this better. I have this burden lifted off of me…. Took time to sit with the people who made coffee for me in the canteen at work asking them about their families. Who is this new you, they asked??….

    Was thinking, how can life be so perfect….Everything is beautiful and going so perfectly…. I just feel so happy… Before, I always had this superficial smile but was always so anxious underneath, my life revolved around my mm… Either I’m worried that he’s going to cancel our date, I’m too happy he is blowing hot today, happy I’ve just seen him, Sad he hasnt responded and on and on.. Noone should ever have that much control over you…

    Here I am today with joy like I have not known ……and Then HE CALLED….

    I must confess ladies I honestly did not see this one coming. Completely caught me off guard. My mm has pride like you cannot believe. I have never met a prouder man in my life. He doesn’t even know who his biological father is – he said that he never bothered to look for him coz his thinking was if he didn’t care enough to stay and raise him why must he look for him (hmmm throwing in a bit of useless information ☺️).

    Ok. So now I know for sure. God really does have a weird sense of humor. I have 2 of his books…maybe he wants those…. (As I am thinking this I recognize it for what it is… Just an excuse for me to answer??)… We have to strip ourselves bare and be honest in these emotional situations ladies…. I said before… the First rule of the ego is never to deceive yourself second rule is; you are the easiest person to deceive

    I truly hope I am helping even one person reading this with my journey….. The pain is too much to bear alone…. I provide counseling even for myself by putting these words on paper.

    What did I do…Again- I ignored him. This time I watched the phone ring and almost burst into tears. Why is it so hard. We love them so much that our instinct is to reach out and take care of them. Awwwwww???….

    I often forget but have to remind myself. The suffering my heart went through at the hands of this man was brutal. I have to be selfish with my heart…. Going back means pain awaits me on the other side of the conversation. There is nothing more to say. He has 4 children and a wife….Oh wait 5 children, one out of wedlock (another piece of useless information ☺️). What more is there to say?? Going back only means that this time he will even be more ruthless. I will not give him that option. Surely he should also be so sick of this. Me begging…Me crying… Me jealous…. Me whining…

    I have truly decided. My participation in this back and forth is over. This is now on MY TERMS. No Contact means No Contact.

    • Jannie

      Did you tell him that you were ending things or did you just go “ghost” meaning no explanation? That’s what I am doing. He may think things are fine as we don’t text every day but it’s on day 4 now and I have no intentions of contacting him or responding if he contacts me. I already did the formal goodbye and then stupidly text him three weeks later and resumes the affair for two weeks. I’m sick of it and want out! Want to forget him completely and erase him from my mind!

      • Popo

        Jannie
        He thought I had ghosted him and paid a heavy price for such ‘out of character behavior (see my post above)’. If possible don’t ghost coz that means you are secretly wanting him to come back. Do NC for the right reasons. Completely letting go. You have to be truly sick of it all and desperate to get better….

    • Angelina

      OMG Popo!! God really has a strange sense of humour!! Am really happy to see u stand so strong! U deserve an applause.. if he couldn’t think abt u all this while then why day 9!! I still miss my lover & keep looking at my phone hoping he would msg, but he didnt! Breaks my heart into pieces! Wish he does..

    • Rhea

      Popo,
      I am so darn proud of you!! You go girl! I’m high-fiving you. I have not been in contact for almost 2 months but it’s because my mm has not reached out.
      I love that you’re taking control. There is nothing there for you. Let the pain wash over you. Embrace it. No man deserves our peace. His ego is killing him. You and only you are the keeper of your heart.

      • Popo

        Rhea, you do know he is definitely going to reach out right. You have plan and prepare for that. Prepare over and over to do nothing….

    • Mhbb

      ‘ I always had this superficial smile but was always so anxious underneath, my life revolved around my mm… Either I’m worried that he’s going to cancel our date, I’m too happy he is blowing hot today, happy I’ve just seen him, Sad he hasnt responded and on and on”….

      This sounds very familiar to me . We text a lot. I feel sad and anxiety when I put phone down . My life never felt the same since the day I met him . But I am just chasing a shadow. Something not real …..

      I am glad u survived on NC day 9. Keep it up.

  • Angelina

    Day 2 is over & it was very, very difficult for me. I broke down several times & kept crying for hours. Even now, its difficult to stop tears from rolling out. But I don’t have a choice. Yes, the only choice I have is to either accept it & move on or to disrespect myself agn & msg him.. I will agn send sum hateful messages & torture myself & he will reply saying baby i love u but plz understand blah blah blah… wat purpose is it gonna solve? Will rest of the things work out in my favor? i will only degrade myself agn & prove how helpless i am without him. Out of mercy he might want to be with me agn but for how long? Y cant i stick with what I have decided for myself? I decided that he doesnt deserve my love, care or attention.. all he gave me was stress, pain & humiliation. Hes just full of excuses & nothing else. I should look back & think, what is that I am getting, or have got till date from this relationship? ZILCH! ZERO! So wat was the point of putting in so much time, effort, energy, emotions, risk & everything into it? Thats the fact, I didnt get anything out of it, only lost.. I lost money, health, time, effort, mental peace, my husband’s trust, my sleep, my self-respect, thats it! He is done with my melodrama all the time & sees me nothing but a burden, so he has finally decided to cut off. He has not taken any effort to reach out to me since 2 days, nor does he want to take. I should just accept the fact that yes, it is over coz I decided to live with respect, happiness & peace n not feel disrespectful with the crumbs he has been throwing at me. Am not his pet. Happiness is not possible without him coz I was happy with him.. but there’s nothing that I can do about it now.. Last time as well I broke down, lost my sanity & cried in front of him & thats wen he finaly decided to msg me. Seeing me in that state only strokes his ego coz he wants to know how helpless I feel without him. If i love myself even 1 percent, or if I have any respect left for myself, I wont msg or talk to him until he does. This time I swear that I wont make the 1st move, even if I find it difficult to control my hatred for him. He disrespected me totally wen i went to his city only to meet him. I will cry, scream, break down, talk to the walls, write journals but wont contact him. The logic is simple. Hes completely ok with not being in touch with me. Hes living his life happily & didnt even ask me once how i was feeling, knowing that i was unwell. It agn boils down to the question, wat is that am getting out of this relationship & wat role did i ever have in his life (if at all i had any) that he let me go so quickly.. And, if he wants to reach out to me, nothing in this world can stop him.. but he only sees me as a burden now & doesnt want me to put my baggage on him. Ok, i wont. i will show him that I can take control of my life back from him. I really did a lot more for him than he deserved. The fact is, he doesnt deserve ANYTHING! Hes a thankless & heartless jerk.. he deserves No love, care, attention, affection, respect, nothing at all! this time watever happens, i wont fall weak. I think i should just accept it & not expect him to contact me ever. Yes, this is the end! i ended it coz i realized that i cant continue disrespecting myself by being with him. I keep asking God for signs, & no matter how many signs God gave me, i always refused to believe them. I wanted to believe only my version of the story, not the truth. I have always been happy keeping myself in an illusion. Since day 1, i was living in an illusion! The best revenge is to move on & thats wat m trying to do. Move on & show him I can be completely OK with him not being around. He really didnt do good to me & I curse him that nothing good will happen with him as well. I got my share of misery as am going through so much trauma. Since he’s strong emotionally, I want him to suffer in a different way.. May his career get screwed as thats wat is most important for him. May he never be at peace with his wife, she should also cheat on him & do affairs. These r the 2 curses that i have for him. Maybe not today, but at some point of time he will surely miss me & want me back. Maybe next week, next month, next year.. Or maybe wen hes sorted with his problems. I will wait for that day & i will wait for him to reach out to me..

    • Rhea

      Angelina,
      Hang in there for day 3. One day at a time until day 7, then look forward to week 2. You are breaking an addiction. I promise you that at month 2, you won’t be bleeding as you are now. It will still be painful but not gushing blood. I was listening to a song with lyrics, “when a heart breaks, it don’t break even. I got time and she got freedom…” that song is so on point. 2 people share the same experience yet it affects them differently. I am broken up about it but my mm is fine, moving on, not one “hi” in 2 months. I too wish my married man pain and bad things. I’m sure they’ll come true.

  • gloria

    We fell in love back in secondary school, and never had the opportunity to date cause I was not ready for a relationship. Later we lost contact and met back through facebook, by then I am married with two kids. He talk me into relationship and I felt the connection between both of us, so accepted to date him but as for then he is still single. After two years of relationship he got married and we still continue our relationship. But now the wife found out he is having an affair , she got my phone number through the husband phone, text me on whatsapp, called me all kind of names threaten to destroy my home and exposing my relationship with the husband. The husband (bf) beg me to block her up, and don’t mind her, which I did cause I was scanned to end the relationship, even my boy friend mother called to warn me to leave her son alone but still I feel my life is attached to him. So many times I try ending this relationship but he will called a beg, cry that I shouldn’t leave him, that he can’t do without me. I will end up running back to him. Am tired and I want to break up this relationship but don’t know what to do cause am scanned of leaving him. Please I need advice and encouragement to let go. Thanks

  • Mhbb

    I had emotional affair with a married man for 10 months now. I am married as well. But due to the nature of my marriage. There is always an emotional void in my life because my marriage is kind of based on responsibility and structure of family, my bf ( the married man ) is 4 years younger than me. Most of our time togather is more emotional based because he said he will become obsessed and attached to me with me if we r physically togather. We’ve been a few times togather. Then later on he pretty much rejected me physically saying I’ll break a beautiful family with 3 wonderful children if we continue physically togather. He told me he loves me. He care about me sooooooo much. He will never ever leave me eat. Surprisingly , I found out he gave his wife a huge diamond ring on their 15 years anniversary. I was very heartbroken. I felt whatever he told me r lies. I am getting dramatic, emotional, we fight a lot. I don’t talk to him for days, he explained he doesn’t see the different . His wife already has diamond ring. But it’s much smaller when married. He just change a bigger size. The love he has towards me never changed. I just don’t believe it. I feel I lost trust. Lost faith . He said he loves me and he loves his wife too. I am so lost . I went on a date from another couple of guys. Just to distract myself. But I can’t pull my heart away from him. He went for vocation with family this week in Florida. We still daily texting. But I feel hurts and anxiety when I put my phone down. The big problem I can’t do NC is we work very close togather. Before he left for vocation, he told his brother to make sure taking care of me and the business. When I get emotional and upset, he always told me: look at the big picture. We r all good. We r inseparable. But I feel the more I get involved emotionally. The more miserable I feel. He never had affair before in his marriage. But I just feel hurts a lot . Anyone read my story , please help and advise what I should do.

    • Popo

      Mhbb please take back control and stop all contact with this married man. You are just hurting yourself. Emotional affairs are just as intertwined as sexual. My one was also heavily emotional. I also work with my mm. He is a big boss (my bosses boss basically). So his name is mentioned, his pictures everywhere and I can’t escape. You can still do NC even when you work together. Just tad bit harder. Tell him you can no longer do this ‘love thing’, friendship neither and let go. Avoid meeting him for any work stuff you don’t have to be there. With me – I had to stop lying to myself by saying I need to be at this function or meeting where he is at where secretly I want to see him. First rule of the ego is never deceive yourself second rule is you are the easiest person to deceive. I just stopped and avoided him completely. Its hard coz the mind wants to justify… Its hard I know but because you are here it shows you are desperate to get better. Good luck girl… Sending you hugs

      • Sickofthisrollercoaster

        Mine is also my bosses boss and I’m dreading going back to work tmw. He was out for most of last week so that helped ease the burden of the ending. I’m terrified and don’t know how he’ll treat me. Maybe this will push me harder to get out of there and find a new job. I’ve read a lot of your posts and you give really sage advice. How did you deal if he IMed you at work or when you did have to interact?

      • Popo

        This is the price sickofthisrollercoaster. It’s not easy. Just try and avoid ALL interaction. If you don’t have to be at a meeting don’t be there. Avoid social events. I know mine won’t IM me unless it’s really about work (or as an excuse). There is too much pride there… We didn’t think of this and the consequences beforehand and I know why. These affairs have a way of creeping up on you unexpected. That’s why one must always have an incredible presence of mind to be aware of what’s going on…

  • Gemma

    I have lurked here for the past month and found so much inspiration with you women. This is my first post. About 6 weeks ago I ended a six month affair. I am married 2 young kids. He is not officially married, but he and his significant other live together and have 2 young kids. Here is our background. We work together occasionally ( see each other professionally about twice a month). We were friends/ coworkers for 5 years before we crossed the line. Since then everything has been on his terms.. ex.. saw me when at his convienence only. When I offered a meet up he always found some excuse to back out. I finally had enough and send him a message that things were not working out for me. He didn’t protest much and said we should be friends. We remained in no contact for 5 weeks until I broke it. I had a great job opportunity… and wAnted to ask him for a reference( he is high up in this particular field). He replied Of course….anything he could do to help me out…and we engaged in some small talk. In my bad judgement I text him that it was nice to catch up with him and that I missed talking to him. Complete radio silence after that. I feel like crap right now. I was doing so good with the no contact and focusing on my marriage and spending quality time with my kids. I feel like I just blew all that hard work. I know deep down he just used me, and at first maybe I was using him too. However now I fell too deep and need to climb myself out of this. I wish I never crossed that line. Now.. there is a ruined friendship and my heart is broken?

  • Angelina

    Ok so day 1 over & no contact! He didn’t try to reach me either!! I keep getting these cravings to see if hes online or not, but if he is, i only feel disheartened coz he doesnt ping me! M trying to resist the temptation.. i failed last time but this time i wil succeed until I complete 60 days n at the end of it i wont need him.. keep inspiring me ladies! This time its a question of my dignity, my self respect , I wont allow him to treat me like a doormat

  • Colleen

    Saw these stories and felt obliged to message,as I’m typing tears fill my eyes,been involved with a married man for only 2 months but I fell hard ,fell strong, wish I could turn bk the hands of time an be in control of this situation but unfortunately it’s not the case,I love him….he was nothing I’d ever go for ,not remotely resembling any one I’d ever be interested in but he treated me like a queen,something I’ve been longing for ,i used to always tell him how amazing he is and how happy I am ,we’d always miss each other constantly cuz we only see each other or speak when he’s at work, he never but on one occasion called me while he was at home whispering,I lay patiently every day hoping he goes to work just to hear his voice,I feel pathetic ,he recently told me he can’t give me what I want and that we can’t spend quality time together,just mornings ,evenings or nights ,only if he can come up with a good story,Idk why I even got with him…..what was it I saw ,feel so foolish ,desperate and Idk how to get whole again ,I find myself listening to our calls and crying myself to sleep,I convinced myself he was unhappy and that I’m here to save him,I convinced myself we will be together and gave him all of me foolishly, what he gave me was what I needed,felt so amazing getting his affection,we had a huge argument and haven’t spoken in 2 days mainly cuz he’s off from work ,how can he put his feelings for me off till he gets bk to wrk?while I’m here dying a slow death , she looks hidious, how can he love her,how can I come second to that ? I know God will never send me someone’s husband,but Ive never felt this bond with someone,Idk where or how to regain control,Idk how to end it gracefully ,Idk if I should …….how much more can I take if I’m inconsolable right now …….i know this is unhealthy but idk where to start .

    • SoInLove

      You women are so very strong. I wish I had that in me. I am so miserable. But yet so completely in love with my mm. He knows how to say all the right things but his words and actions don’t match and even he knows that to be true.

      I want to walk away from him so damn bad because I know all he’s doing is killing me slowly. He tells me he loves me more than he does her and that I am the love of his life, but he goes home to her every night. She gets all his time. She posts little cute pics of them on her Facebook and it tears my heart out when I see them. We are fighting really bad right now because I seen the pic they took from Easter proudly displayed as her profile pic.

      I ask him how can he say he loves me more than her but look so damn happy in their pic??? I’m so tired of how I feel. I either wanna sleep all day cry all day or I’m just plain pissed off. Who wants to live that way? But yet I stay. I wish I could find the strength in me to walk away from him.

  • Rhea

    Angelina,
    In one of your messages, you talked about getting revenge and hoping that one day he’ll want you the way you want him. I feel that way too and so I understand completely. What I’ve learned though is that the best revenge is success. Yes, it’s true. You know revenge is? Walking away completely. Not contacting ever. And working on ourselves – on every part. One day, we’ll look back and realize that that person does not have that hold on us. I am hurting like crazy. My marriage is terrible. I am contemplating divorce but I am so scared of it all and I have kids. The man I loved for a year who I comforted is nowhere around to hold me when I need him. That’s a blessing in disguise because he doesn’t really love me like he said. I am learning to stand on my own without a husband or a lovers support. I don’t need their validation. I am responsible for my happiness. This thing will only make you stronger. Today you are weak but his rejection will push you forward.

    Start by limiting contact. I used to leave my phone in the car. See him for what he is. He is a user. My ex used me for sex and companionship. I gave him the girlfriend experience. What goes around comes around. Some day, not today, maybe not 10 years from now, you will be vindicated. I don’t think you can treat people poorly and not pay for it.

    My feelings for him were real. Like you, I loved him with my entire being. I treated him like a king. I stroked his ego. I had never had an affair so I allowed myself to fall completely. He had done this before. But he kept stringing me along. He should have ended it with me after a month. After 6 months he kept ending it but I kept going back to him. Why be with me for 6 months? Why buy me gifts all the time? Why do this to me if you know that you’ll smash my heart? He was experienced in this. He’s exploitative!!! I still ache for him but it’s getting better. He probably didn’t expect me to walk away and not look back. I told him I loved him the day he ended it. The first time I said those words to him. I used it a bullet. I didn’t beg him to stay. Told him I understood but wanted him to know that I love him. I told him it was a parting gift. He said he loved me too. He lied. Morphine for the sick. That’s what he thought he was giving me. He never loved me. As he moves on and takes other lovers, I wanted him to know what he meant to me. When he lies next to his wife and he’s lonely, I want him to know that I loved him and that he threw me in the garbage.
    The thing is, when I do get my revenge, I won’t even care. I never wanted anything from him but his love. I asked for nothing.
    My first love dumped me. 20 years later he told me that he wonders what our life would have been like and that he really really had loved me. He kept reaching out to me and I shut him down politely. That was my revenge.
    A second guy had dumped me and I used to envision running into him again. Last November I was at an event with my family and I looked great and I ran into his best friend and his wife and they shared that this guy is sooo stressed in his marriage and is unhappy. And a week ago, his best friend told me that he told the dumper that he should have married me. That’s my vindication- 13 years later.
    This one will come. It’s only a matter of time. In the meanwhile I’m taking care of myself.

    • Angelina

      Rhea, i feel so strong and motivated after reading ur comments! Thank you so much for writing to me & sharing ur experience.. i see a great friend in u and feel comfortable sharing my feelings with u. m so sorry to hear about ur problems & how ur husband has been treating u.. i dont blame u for havin an affair so coz any woman whos at ur stage, dealing with a crumbling marriage and a cheating husband can fall prey to exploitative men like u did! I pray to god to give u strength and help improve situation at ur home atleast so that u can come out this mess from one direction. U hav ur kids & thats reason enough for u to move on & be happy!!
      Talking about the horrible man am with, i broke up with him AGN! Though i had set a rule book for myself n thought of ending it slowly, but it only made me more angry & upset. This time purely coz of the kind of treatment he has been giving me.. i do relate to wat u said about the girlfriend experience, m way younger to him and thats wat i provided him.. i made him feel young & wanted & thats wat gave him an ego boost.. though it was different from my end. I loved him with all my heart, just like my spouse. I even used to cook for him & do his chores. This married man never returned even an iota of my love, care or affection. Thr were days wen i wud hav outbursts n i wud cry in front of him for his cold reaction n he wud say hes like that only & he doesnt compliment anyone! Before i came to know abt this forum, i used to write emails to myself wen i had fights with him. I was reading mails dated january which showed m still on square one & things havent progresed at all from there! Watever wer my probs or insecrities few months back, they r stil the same! So wats the ROI of investing so much time, money, risk, emotions, energy into him? ZILCH! ZERO! Popo is right, one day i wil wake up & realize 12 more months have passed, n m stil stuck at the same place! With the same excuses, insecurities, torture etc.. do i want that?
      Im still in my 20s and hav some expectations wen it comes to relationships.. i dnt wana carry his emotional baggage on me anymore without any reason! Hes the most thankless & heartless person i have come across. He never did anything to make ME feel special at all! No gifts, no surprises, nothing! N wen i did, his reaction used to be plain & cold! Now i hav given up n wana focus on myself. U r right, the best revenge is to move on & show him i can b nicely over him! I wana focus on my life, my health, my career, my home & my family which i had been ignoring coz of him. I wil fight the urge to msg him, even if its hate u msgs.. i wil fight the urge to stalk my married man and his wife on social networks. Infact i wud think that hes dead, N dead ppl do not message or contact u. I wil envision running into him at some point in this life n show him how rocking my life is & i still luk hot! I wil wait for the day wen he wud crave for me & want me back n i wud hav moved on, not for another illicit relationship like him, but for my husband. He has a tendency to cheat & luk for momentarily relationships & i know he wil do that again! He wil trap more girls like me & dump them also wen they get into melodrama & all. Hes not a one woman man for sure n this he himself told me, which makes me think if I really should be mad at his wife!

      • Rhea

        Angelina,
        I hear everything that you’re saying. You are not oblivious. You are very very aware of all of the deficiencies of this mm. He is not worth you. You are addicted to him. He met some need in you – maybe he made you feel sexy or alive or maybe the relationship made you feel that way. But at what cost? You have lost your peace and you’ve lost control of your mind and your heart. The only way out is to end it completely. You’re doing it for you. There will be tremendous pain. But the alternative is to live in mental torture. He’s like your source of drugs and you’re an addict begging for another hit, another high. See this thing for what it is.
        Do one day at a time. Oct of last year by mm left me and 2 months later we reconciled and then it ended 2 months after that. I’ve marked dates on my calendar from the last breakup to 4 months from then which takes me to June. Everyday that I don’t contact I’m taking back my time I gave him. I remember, “this was the date I met him for a drink or this was when I slept with him” and I watch the date come and go and I think this is my revenge. I’m redoing the time my way. Ultimately I want to be able to make it to a year. I want to take back the year I gave him and in that year, make myself whole.
        This thing steals all of your moments. I watched my kids playing and laughing today. I stopped and watched and smiled. When I was with him, I was so tormented that I didn’t stop to look at my life. I was wrapped up in analyzing his words and trying everything I could to keep his attention. Who the hell needs to live like that?
        Be strong my friend. You can do. What need was he fullfiling? Fill that whole with other things. I joined a swim class, I read More and I hang out with my friends. I ache for him still but there is more clarity now.
        In the end, I will be stronger because if it but he will not meet another woman like me. He will always be unhappy. That’s my wish for him.

      • Popo

        Angy well done. Stunning words from Rhea. Every single one of them. Inspired me too. Trust me Angy He will definitely text. Be ready for it… Prepare over and over when the time comes to do nothing. Its the only way you will heal.
        Its funny I’m in bed now just woke up and realized I don’t have to swing to my phone see when he opened my message. He always opened late night message and never ever replied. Slight disappointment. Close my phone open and check again. Then start thinking what time must I send good morning message… Must I wait…. Then send start checking if he’s opened it…. Noone deserves that mental punishment….

      • Angelina

        Popo & rhea, thank u both for writing back! If u guys wudnt hav motivated me, i wud hav had no1 to talk to n probably wud hav landed in an asylum! My heart is paining non stop & m still craving for him, but i wil stand by my promise of NC. Stil cant blv how he can let me go so easily.. but now i feel its not him who chucked me out of his life, but I dumped him before he cud! Thatways i hav an upper hand here. I dnt hav to lie to my husband, i can look into his eyes whilr talking, n my own eyes in the mirror! It wil stil take time to stop stalking him on socisl networks n watsapp but i hav reduced the frequency. Hes online all the time but doesn’t msg me & it hurts.. but its ok, i wil only stand stronger. M spending time with mysef.. working out, dressing up, goin to salons, praying, spending time with my husband etc.. thatways I keep myself busy. M looking fwd to the blessings life has in store for me as m really young right now.. plz keep writing n inspiring me with ur words!!

  • hardtime

    Its a week today I have told him not to contact me and he has not. Today is a hard day for me dont know why. SO want to see how he is doing. But then i think about all the times he made me cry and did not think about me. Trying to stay busy but the last few days i have been home by myself all friends are busy so have been in my head. Being so tempted to text or email him so writing here instaed.

    • Rhea

      Hard time,
      He’s doing just fine. You worry about yourself. These men are selfish. They are very pointed and focused. They come to us to fill a specific need – be it sex, companionship, etc. we as woman are nurturers so not only do we fill that need, we end up giving them our hearts. They take only what they need and then depart and we like fools have given over our hearts to them.
      When all else fails, act like a man. Worry about your own well-being.

  • Angelina

    Its been a day since i met him & m sticking to my rules. M constantly giving him a cold shoulder nor m i missing him. I text him wen i feel like n he replies after 2 hours.. I have no interest in knowing wat hes doing n how is he. I just cant tolerate anything abt him now! I cant stand conversations abt anyone in his family either.. be it his kid, wife or siblings! M totaly pissed with him n wana get rid of him as soon as m prepared. I see him as a cancer! I know i wana get rid of it but scared to undergo the therapy, as well as worried abt the repercussions.. this kinda treatment that he has been givin me is only helping me coz i hav more & more reasons to hate him n love my husband more.. everytime he doesnt do anything good for me or makes me feel disrespectful, I remember how my husband makes me feel spcl & goes out of his way to do things for me.. i dnt see any, any reason why i m with this married man!

  • Popo

    OK… Update… Sooo as I finished sending my Day 7 No Contact update here, I look down my phone… There is a whatsapp message from my mm…. ‘What happened to you…hope you are still alive!..’
    I must confess- I was happy-yes happy! Puke! I looked at the message and thought – this is the true test. Its easy saying No Contact when he’s cold….What now….

    Firstly you must know just how much I told this man I loved him. Told him I would leave my husband. I begged for his love. Bought gifts for his children, his mother… I basically lay my heart down and begged him to love me even half the way that I loved him….

    I looked at the message and asked myself the question… What good will come out of me responding. Nothing will change. The same cycle will repeat itself only this time I will say I been in a relationship for 2 more years. No!
    After much contemplation…. I again sat on my hands and begged God to take away the craving…Ladies please be strong. No good comes out of the back and forth contacting. All it does is feed our ego. Feed his ego. Make him hurt us even more. When it’s over its over.
    I ignored it. Still….Day 7 No Contact…

    • HardTime

      I admire you for the NO contact and not replying. I dont know what I would do if Married Man contacted me we are also 7 days NC. Great Job for ignoring it!!

    • Rhea

      Popo,
      I’m proud of you for not responding. You’re right. That’s the true test. I have not reached out but I’ve been dumped and he has made no contact. I thank God for that. It’s a blessing in disguise. It forces me to move forward.
      Sounds like your mm’s ego is bruised. He wants to know why he’s being ignored not whether you’re ok. Keep ignoring him. this is about your survival. Remember all the times he broke your heart.
      Mine dumped me days after we slept together. We didn’t fight. He wanted to work on things at home he said. All lies. I became a burden to him. I looked out my window. Thought about how he must be at a game with his son, enjoying his family. I hope memories of us haunt him and eat his soul. I know what I gave him. I compromised my values for him. I cannot believe that I had an affair with someone’s husband!! I lost respect for myself and he used me and disposed of me. My anger comes and goes. It goes between anger and longing and missing him.

      I’ll make him pay – by staying away. I am confident that he will regret his decision to let me go. I was a gift, a prize to be won. Lightning hardly strikes twice in the same place. He couldn’t really value me because I was too available. But as the months past without me, and as he starts to take other lovers (I know he’ll cheat again even though he says he wants to work on his marriage), he’ll realize what he had. That’s the magic of time. But I don’t ever want him back. Even if it means I have to cut my heart out of my chest!!! When you love someone like that, they should love you back and if they don’t, they’re not worth your time or effort.

    • Popo

      Day 8 No Contact. 1 week!. He sent 2 more messages…3 in total….First said ‘What happened to you -are you still alive ‘ next said ‘I just want to know if you are ok- that’s all’ took looong to open it… Ignored it then immediately followed by ????… Yes four question marks. Daymme, getting aggressive are we??
      Considering this man told me he doesn’t feel the same way and wants to be friends and after I told him I will open my heart and let him go his response was ‘Thank you for understanding’… WTF is he on about…?

      Bottom line is I ignored all 3 messages. I have got to toughen up and take control of my life and take care of my heart. That was no way to live. Being completely possessed by the demons of this affair. I have taken back control. This is on my TERMS now. I won’t help him in his ego games. I am no longer a willing participant. My terms are No Contact. No Contact means No Contact. Even when you think you were dumped it doesn’t matter -its still getting back control.
      I’ll be honest -although it’s not easy ignoring him -it definitely got easier after the 3rd message. Kept asking – what will change. Same answer! Nothing! I have decided that if he sends me one more message I am blocking him.

      I have tried everything ladies before -from phasing him out slowly while getting the fix (still hurt) – pleading for him to try to change, begging, guilt ridden messages (he hated those), even showing him proof I’m leaving my husband.. Nothing worked. Absolutely nothing. I feel better for the first time in 11 months honestly… Free at last! Saw something that said No Contact is like ripping of a band aid, you can do it slow and it hurts longer or you rip it off fast……

      • TryingtoBreakFree

        You a boss…but do you think its easier for you cuz you’re already married? And you have some one to go home to…

      • Rhea

        Popo,
        His ego is bruised. He didn’t message professing his love. He wants to make sure you’re ok?? Keep him wondering. Your dignity is all you’ve got left. There is nothing there for you. Keep being strong.

      • Popo

        TryingtoBreakFree that’s such a good question. I thought about it and you know honestly no. I have gone through worst heartbroken now while married than when I dated before. This was like a divorce. My relationship with mm was passionate. Kissed all the time. Talked all the time. Thought he was my best friend. Hubby and I are friends, respectful, but not as passionate. Hubby could never replace mm.
        However dealing with married men while single might be harder coz those ‘lonely’ moments at night alone-the mental movies will start and you start overthinking, overanalysing…….

    • Angelina

      Popo, way to go girl! Gud u didnt break down, but u stood strong! Rhea is right here, its all about ego issue, they deliberately try to reach us not coz they want to knw abt our well-being but to show how rocking their lives r & hoping we will say ‘i miss u, come back, m devastated’.. good u proved him wrong! I think he wont try to contact u agn n if he does, then he realy wants to satisfy his ego.. i too feel the urge to track him on watsapp, break down in frnt of him, ask him y hes bein so harsh with me n all.. but i wil only prove myself a loser., m trying to b strong n this time, m realy on NO CONTACT MODE!

  • Aria

    He was 13years older than me kind of my first serious relationship.
    The married man used to say he loves me so much but can’t get devours for crap reasons. We were together for 4mounth and he offer me being his business partner which was his way to my world.
    I have a friend for 2years who asked me for marriage and I told him and he went crazy.
    I planed to break up with him in February and in February we had a serious discussion and I do that. I also break our business partnership. And I blocked him.
    It was just LinkedIn which he used to send me something every day or two till I deleted my page there two and I leave every social media too.
    I feel so horrible to let the married man come to my life and tell me all those thing that I can’t even be sure if was truth or lies. And let him ruin all I had and put my self I this depressed mood.
    I feel he won every thing
    I mean I lost my job, the man I think I love, my health,….
    But he has his job, his wife, his….
    It’s not fair….

  • Stephanie

    My email is skm101817@gmail.com. I’m happy to talk to any of you if you need help being strong. NC is the only way. That even means no looking him or his wife up on social media or anyone else linked to him. That is how you have to do it.

    • Popo

      I agree Steph. Decided to stop looking at anything to do with him. Whatsapp, Instagram none of it…. I have to protect myself and gain my sanity back. We always hold on to the past as if it had everything we ever wanted. It didn’t. We wouldn’t be here if things were perfect. The mm suddenly looking appealing. Of course he would coz its all in the past now. Hours of tears and disappointment are forgotten.

      I once broke up with my married man at 4 months. He had dumped me coz he said I was a flirt (he’s possesive). Anyway…. I was reading the journal I kept then during my grief. Shocking! The things I was complaining of eg silences, need more responses,he’s got a family already… Everything is EXACTLY what was playing out now at 11 months. Nothing changed. Only more time (7 more months of misery) and more pain. So when I look at that I’m suddenly so clear and realize… It is a 100% pointless going back to him. It will be the same dreams and will wake up one day in a 16 year affair. Honestly guys it seems ridiculous but that how it happens.

      I’m on day 7. No Contact with the married man. Today is the better day. Feel absolutely NOTHING for him. Not anger, not passion… Just peace for me….

  • Stephanie

    And one more thing I want to add for all of us. Only 9 out of 10 married men leave their wives at best. And the only thing I really ended up doing was helping my mm get what he wanted from his wife. Once he told her he had no feelings for her, she started working out with her personal trainer and losing weight, cleaning the house and now is going to go back to work. And of course, she still wants him. Even knowing he was cheating and seeing messages of love from him to me. She told him the kids would call another man daddy and to move out if he didn’t end it immediately. So of course, he ended it with me even though he told me he was getting a divorce and wanted to marry me. On the days where I don’t have forgiveness in my heart, I feel like he owes me something for fixing the issues that he had a problem with in his wife. The only thing is, I don’t believe that he’s really going to be happy. At least we can move on and rebuild our lives. They are stuck in something that wasn’t working for years.

    • Popo

      You are right Steph. He won’t be happy. There is a concept called ‘the third wheel’. The reason why his relationship was functioning was because you ‘the third wheel’ was there providing the balance. In fact the third wheel can even make a marriage even stronger than it was before because then all the things irritating him about the wife become not so irritating because he can just ignore them and take time out with you. And he will always think what he’s doing to her is worse (cheating with us) so he will go out of his way to be accommodating.
      I agree you made his marriage stronger but its temporary because you took a stand to refuse to be used like that… No more! You must want none of it!

  • Stephanie

    Clarification, we were talking and knew each other over 5 months, but the relationship became physical after 1 month and we were intimately involved and even discussing marriage and merging families over 4 months.

  • Stephanie

    Hi. This is my first post. I was reading this faithfully over the past month. My married man broke it off with me once his wife found out. I was already in the process of moving on. I had just created a Match.com account 6 days earlier and was already corresponding with matches. I planned to phase out my relationship with my mm if he didn’t file for divorce. We were together for 4 months and he had me convinced he was going to file for divorce. He had researched apartments and paid the application fee. He told me he wasn’t attracted to his wife anymore–that they had grown apart, he was only staying for the children etc. I didn’t know he was married when we first started talking. I was coming off of a brutal divorce with an emotionally abusive ex-husband and happy to be free when I met my mm. My mm was so loving, kind, and so attracted to me. It felt intoxicating. He said all of the right things–I would be one of the 10% (the statistic of mm that actually leave their wife for the ow) because he was going to get a divorce regardless of me. That he had never wanted another woman like he wanted me.

    My advice, break it off before he does. It feels awful. I felt stupid and used. Like a cliche. But if he breaks it off with you, read Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. It helped me so much. I’m no longer crying everyday. I am moving on. I am dating single men that can actually take me out to dinner. My mm only took me to dinner 3 times in 5 months. It was ridiculous what I was willing to settle for. Yes, there are days when I miss him but because it’s absolutely no contact, the intensity is diminishing. I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel happy most days and I love dating men that want to be seen with me. I’m not going to have sex until I’m in a committed relationship and am setting healthy boundaries. That book has really helped. I’m happy to email any of you that need it. The relationship ended 2/25/17. I started to feel like life had color again 3 weeks ago. The relationship lasted 5 months. It’s possible to move on. And it feels so much better.

  • Clair

    This Tuesday was Day 5 with no contact with the married man and I had unfollowed him on all social media that day. That night I got on one of my accounts and saw where he tried to start following me again and I immediately got a sick feeling. Not 10 min later He text me. Asked me what I was doing and then said I’m sorry I shouldn’t have texted. I said it’s been a week since we’ve talked last so what is it?? He said he just needed to know I was ok. That he had listened to a couple of songs that were mine and his when we were together and he feels horrible for how he treated me the last few weeks while we were together. I said well are you ok?? He said no and that he misses me and still wants me blah blah blah. I said well no I’m not ok and I miss you to but your the one that wanted this and I’ve been giving that to you. Well of course we talked for awhile after that but I’m still guarded and I really don’t know what this means. I texted him Thursday and asked did he regret messaging me and he said no and said that wasn’t enough for him that he needed to see me. Then told me to have a good night. Well then yesterday i told him I missed him and called him babe and I said was that ok that I said that and he said yes. I told him I was sorry for texting and he said don’t apologize it’s ok and then I said I don’t know how to be with you now. Should I act like I could care less if I talk to you and wait on you to text me or what and I never got a response back! See I get better and he tries to sneak his way back in! No I’ve been upset wondering why he didn’t text me back when a few days ago I could of cared less if I ever spoke to him again.

    • Popo

      Its the same cycle repeating itself Clair. On and off… On and off……on and off…. Don’t feel bad that you responded and he’s back to his ways. This is what we need to be strong. Sometimes they catch is when our guard is down….
      At some point though…you will be completely and emotionally exhausted from all of this back and forth… They say help comes when we are ready to receive it…..

      • Clair

        Exactly! I still haven’t talked to him and i don’t know when I will again. We’ve done this so many times in the last two years and each time when it’s him coming back he’s sweet and says what I need to hear and then he’s back to not talking to me. Tells me he missed me but his actions don’t show that. I guatrantee if I text him first he’ll be shady but if I wait for him to text me he’ll be laying it on thick . And that’s the thing, each time we end it and I get to where I’m good there he is again.

  • Popo

    Day 5-No contact. I’m crumbling…. Went on Whatsapp and looked at his picture for long. Kept zooming into his eyes. He was online the whole time. Couldn’t help but think…. Who is he chatting to??? He has a new picture and he looks super yummy. A part of me wanted to do an accidental dial. I didn’t. I won’t. I miss him but when I break down what I actually miss realize I don’t miss the long silences, always so scared that he will leave, actively searching for interesting topics of discussion, being ignored, tiptoeing around him, begging him to tell me he loves me…I realise that I always had a permanent pain in my stomach…. Taking it minute by minute… Some days are better… Today isn’t one of the better days ?

    • Amber

      Oh girl….what you just said sounds like me!! I feel the same way. The worry is gone, but the pain is raging! Feel free to email me. Sounds like we have a lot in common. Hugs from here 🙂 afmcintyre30@yahoo.com

      • Angelina

        Hey amber! I too would like to connect with u over mail. Its good if we can share our stories with each other. Such topics r difficult to discuss with anyone, thus i rely on this forum.. i would also be writing mails to you..

    • Angelina

      Hi Popo, i was going through exactly the same so can relate to u! I dnt understand how they can move on so quickly n easily. I patched up with this man coz i dnt hav a choice! Read my next post??

      The only way out of this mess is, not to initiate the mess only! Theres no other way out!! I wish i wer strong enough to stand by my principles n shudnt hav returned his advances on me.. i didnt even realize wen things moved from watsapp-coffee-drinks-movies-kiss-sex! ? I hope u keep urself strong & get over it soon!! Keep writing ur progress.. m sure sum days wil b terrible while sum wil b stress free..

    • Tina

      Hi Popo,

      I’m on day 9 now and it does get easier! Really it does.

      I’m struggling today but not as much as I was a week ago. Please keep going, it is worth it.

      I can assure you that you will better for every day that you succeed to get by.

      I’m really struggling today, he wasn’t on whatsapp for the whole day yesterday (he is usually on all the time) and today he’s been
      on lots. What was he doing?

      The question we should actually ask ourselves is what are we doing? How much time have we wasted staring at if they are online or not? One minute is Far too much.

      Keep strong and come back here if you have the urge.

      • Angelina

        Hey Tina, i do the same all the time. Check whether hes online or not on watsapp! Dnt know how is it gona help cos anyway he wont msg me.. if hes online, i keep staring at his window hoping he would be TYPING something, but it never happens! N if hes not online, i wonder if hes out spending time with family, or making out with his wife!! that agn makes me sad ?? so anyway, watever be his status, i end up hurting myself looking at his status.. i think i need to go on a 30 day no watsapp challenge as well.. any suggestion from anyone who goes thru the same problems with married men & how to avoid it??

  • Angelina

    Journaling has really been helpful for me, so wenever m depressed i come to this forum n jot it down.. guess wat girls? I agn patched up with the married man! I realised that i might try to b strong n all, but i cant! Hes controlling my life totaly! I dnt know how to disconnect myself from him! Its just not possible!! I was falling deeper & deeper in trauma.. i hav no choice but to b with him! But this time m gona play differently.. i wil trt to detach myself from him, but slowly & in phases.. its not possible to cut sumone off ur life suddenly so i wil do it as per my convenience.. thr r a few rules i hav set for myself:
    1. I wont ignore my husband or home for him. My husband will be my priority! No more risk-taking for this man.
    2. I will fight the addiction & urge to talk to the married man.
    3. I wont interfere in his family life. Let him f**k his wife or any woman for that matter.
    4. I wont go out of my way to make him feel spcl. Nor wil i buy him any presents or waste a single dollar on him. Why shud i, if i never got even a chocolate from him!
    5. I wil not compete with his wife. I know i stand far above her n i dnt wana degrade myself by comparing myself with her!
    6. I wont b madly in love with the mm anymore! Hes not a marriage material for sure. Its his wife’s bad luck that he belongs to her so let her suffer while I enjoy the show!
    7. I wil try as much as possible to distance myself from him.
    8. I wil pray to god everyday to erase him frm my heart n mind so that i can end it with my wen I want!

    • Popo

      Angelina wishing you the best. You are right….Do it when you feel that you are ready… True, cutting him off cold turkey is hard. But at least you still have a choice in this… What if the married man wakes up and says he doesn’t feel the same way anymore? You will only be left with one choice -to let go. Maybe it won’t get there…..Will be thinking and praying for you…

      • Angelina

        Thanks Popo! Yes thats wat i fear the most! Wat if he ends it with me? More than anything it wil b my ego that wil b hurt the most! N if his wife gets to knw, he wont think even for a minute before ending it with me.. thr wil b a lot of melodrama n all, she might reach out to my husband also. I wil b the bad woman here & the husband-wife will work things out amongst themselves .. but i know my husband, he wont giv ME another chance. We dont even hav kids so that we can compromise for the sake of kids.. so yes, I have put myself in deep, deep shit! Thats y i say, the only way out of the mess is not to get into the mess itself! Now i cant do without him, as well as with him. Guess wat, m in his city since 3 days n i came only to meet him but he tuk out time to meet me today, after 3 days! We had been fighting all this while but if he realy wanted to meet me he wud hav taken efforts. It was irritating, his wife kept calling him n he seemed to b in rush, his kid was askin for him & he had to go grocery shopping with the wife. As if the house wont let function without him being out for a few hours! M leavin tmrw n he cant take out time to drop me to the airport or even meet me for an hour for that matter! Its so damn annoying… like rhea said, if sumone wants u, he wil do anything to reach out to u. i felt today wen i met him, i didnt feel excited the way i used to for him as always.. it was like a pretty ok kinda feeling.. i didnt carry any gift for him or his kid as i wud always.. i was pretty ok wen he left n didnt miss him. I hav put my phone aside n m not textin him… nor m i waiting for his msg.. i think the signs r gud n m takin the 1st step towards movin away from him. I sersly feel this man doesn’t deserv my love or attention.. m trying to maintain a distance. As i said, i hav my rule book n i wil abide by that.. i dnt need to carry his emotional bagge with myself either, let his wife do that..

  • Tara

    So i spent almost ten years to the day with a married man i thought i truly loved and wanted im sure ive got to be one of the biggest fools but im trying to forgive myself for that.. i had so much proof and his wife and i had spoken many times.. it was almost as if she tolerated it.. probably because she got the main part of him anyway.. its been 1 day and he textd and called me yesterday.. i told him i was done and not to contact me.. we’ve broken up hundreds of times so i dont know if he takes me seriously.. i dont know if i do but i know i want and deserve better. Im using all this extra time i wasted on me now instead of spending all my energy on him

    • Angelina

      10 years??? Its difficult to even imagine wat u must b goin through!! How did u get the strength to handle it for 10 years?? N wat do u do to fill the void that he must hav created within u? Wat caused u to break up with him now? U r a source of inspiration for many of us who r scared to breakup coz of the after effects.. its like an addict going through rehab & detox..

    • Kelly

      I know exactly what you are going through. I was seven years, stopped for seven years and went back again. It’s a hard cycle to break. I know my married man is ultimately a coward and he’s worried about losing his money but I can’t seem to end it. He lives 13 hours away so it’s not like we see each other all that often. He rarely sees his wife since she lives in a different state. This type of relationship is hard on the self esteem. I need to find strength to move on. He’s 16 years older then me. When I did see him again after 7 years I noticed he had aged a lot. He’s 61. Do I really want to hang out for anothe 7 years. Not really. I feel like I’m giving up the best years of my life!

  • Angelina

    I hate myself! Same blunder agn 🙁 i fell weak n breathless the whole day, just like an addict feels without his drug! N i gave up!! ?? i again msgd him.. i sent him hate u msgs but y shud i even do that! Wen i had taken an oath of cutting off with him completely.. now i feel i shudnt hav… coz he was ok not talkin to me all this while ! It didnt even go in a positive direction coz agn the blame game! N thn askin him where i stand viz a viz the wife! Jesus!! Y the same mistake n how to avoid it?? My last msg to him agn was “this is my last msg n dnt contact me henceforth ” hope I dnt fall weak agn! Plz help me ladies!!!

    • Rhea

      Angelina,

      You fell down but now you get back up and start over again. I know my friend how hard it is. This is a drug and we are addicts wanting the next fix. I fight myself all day. You have to fight it. When the urge comes, cry, do something else but DO NOT contact. Come here and write. Let someone talk you off the ledge. There is nothing there for you. If these men wanted us, they would have reached out. It is really really very simple. In my past, the men who wanted me, searched for me, came back to me, sent me flowers, went to great lengths to get me back. The men who didn’t want me, didn’t look back. If a man wants you, nothing and no one will stand in his way!!

      So, you screwed up. Tomorrow is another day and the beautiful thing about new days is that you get to start over my friend. Don’t worry about where you stand in relation to the wife. I’m going to be blunt. You have no standing and I don’t either. I was never even in the running! There was no competition. I was not competing with her. He was never going to leave her for me. Ever! I am married. My husband has cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend (that’s what contributed to me cheating – I was devastated and vulnerable). At the end of it all, I don’t believe that my husband would have ever left me for her. She was never even competing. I am the wife, the mother of his children, the woman who he respects. This is the truth. This is how these men think. They think with their penises and their brain but never ever with their hearts!!!

      • lltcomet

        Angelina don’t beat yourself up too much! It takes all of us a ridiculous amount of time to really understand the games of being with a married man. I learned if I reject him, he will try to move on to another woman quickly so he does not have to feel any blow to his ego. But I go back, he will think he now “has” me and he will treat me like crap all over again because I “came back.” It is never ever resolved and the relationship never ever gets better! It is a vicious cycle. The only way I could finally leave the married man this current time was to say to him, “Look we have all this history together and I do have very deep feelings for you but I am no longer okay with our arrangement. I can no longer do this to your wife either. When you get single, give me a call if you want.” This is kind of BS because I really don’t know if I ever want to take him back at all. I am so disgusted with the BOTH of us at this point. But because I still feel like I love him so much (or I am so addicted to him or whatever this feeling is) I had to still leave the door a tiny bit open. I have been flip flopping all week whether to block his number or not. (It usually never works because he will call me from another number.) And then he will tell me how awful I am to do such a thing (block his number) Then I’ll feel ashamed of my behavior take him back and get hurt all over again. Sound familiar? The married man in my life knows that “NO” rarely means “NO with me (at least from my past behavior with him) . But when he reaches out (fishing to see if I a want him back again) my plan is this: I will say, “I have been thinking and I have decided that for the sake of my personal sanity I think it is best if we do not speak.” I have to do it in ‘baby steps’.
        I can’t say the “forever” word (I can not say I will never speak to you again ever ) but I CAN say I need my own quiet time and space away from this mess. And he can not say anything back! And as I buy my time away from him I know for a fact I can and I will get stronger and stronger and so then one day I will be able to “NO” and mean it! In the meantime I am working with a therapist and writing in my journal. I need to understand why I have been so willing to settle with crumbs and why I have been so willing to help another man lie to his wife. I am an attractive and successful single woman but this behavior of mine is very self-destructive and only I can fix this part. (He can never fix this part of me). I know the answer is partly this: This is an addiction for real.

    • Anne

      Angelina, I almost did what you did, just this evening when his text came thru to inform me of how rough a day he was having at his Dads funeral 🙁 of all the times in the world that I shud have replied I literally had to just sit on my hands basically and if I can NOT respond on such an important day in his life I’m hoping I can continue to break right away again now.. like you only day 4 too.. don’t beat yourself up over it though hun and just start your no contact again, but be stricter on yourself this time and make it a 60 day one as opposed to a 30 day one, as quite recently a psychologist told me that in order to break any habit in life it takes at least 50 days.. food for thought.. take care x

      • Angelina

        Hey Rhea & Anne, Agree with both of u! Thank u so much! M tryin to stay strong n its really difficult. I told the married man yesterday i wish i wer like u, heartless & unaffected, wud hav been easy for me to move on, like u hav. I didn’t even get a reply frn him wen i told him this is my last msg n m deleting ur no. Its been almost a day! U r so true, if he realy had any soft corner for me or for that matter wanted to be in touch, he wud make efforts! Imagin, if the same his wife wud hav said, he wud do anything to call her or convince her! He told me he had cheated on his wife before, it was a one night stand n he was drunk (that too wen the wife was expecting, horrible!!!). He had confessed it to his wife & she had forgiven him. This shows he has a tendency to cheat.. he cheated on her before, then cheated on her with me, n will ofcourse cheat on both of us for other women! Thr wer talks abt him havn an affair with another woman at out workplace, but he assured me that it was false n I believed him, but now I think it might b true!!
        As is the case with most of us, the married men will never say clearly he doesnt want to b with u anymore cos they want to keep us hanging! They like tryin diff flavours n want it to b readily available wen they r bored of their wives. Wish he had never come into my life, he disturbed it totally! My marriage, worklife, mental peace, health, emotions, sex life, everything has been affected!! I cant sleep or eat properly, i wake up at random hours n feel restless, m losing more n more weight everyday, i feel weak frm within.. i hav accepted my condition today as my own karma. Its gods way of doing justice. Am on my journey to this 60 day – no contact challenge & i wish to succeed. The ultimate slap on the married man’s face wud b wen i leave his city without even meeting him once! I hope sumday down the line he will regret losing me & wud want me back in his life, n i will get my revenge!

      • Angelina

        Also want to mention here, during initial days of our ‘relationship’, if we would fight or i wud refuse to talk to him, he wud make back to back efforts to try to convince me. He wud go crazy with calls n texts.. but last few months have been like.. hes just ok with no contact n thn i myself start sendin him hate u msgs n thn he replies with love u n all n thn we r good agn!! I think he knws theres no survival for me without him n eventually i wil come back.. he has too much ego n his ego gets satisfaction wenever i sent him any, any msg.. even if its about hating him! Coz that proves that m weak n cant stay away from him! Now he just allows me to b & is ok with not talking for days..he waits for me to come to my normal self.. thatways he can avoid all melodrama n my baggage n can get to enjoy the fruit aka only the good part.. but this time I wil prove him wrong.. i wil show him i can giv him bak exactly wat he has been givin me.. m in so so so much stress, cant even tel u! M afraid i wil land up in a hospital very soon! Wish i had got so sersly involved in a relationship which actually had any destination! Wish i had only seen him as how he saw me always, that is like a filler! Wish i had also seen him as a sex buddy like he saw me.. wish i cud also switch off the way he did.. he always knew i was temporary so never had any feelings or attachment towards me. I read a psychiatrist’s article that said unlike women, men can easily have sex without gettin emotional or havin any sort of feelings for the other person. Dnt knw wat gave me the illusion that hes not like that! With time his true colors surfaced! I feel angry at myself for even thinkin abt him.. its only my husband who deserves all my smiles, tears, joy, n even my anger for that matter! I shud b totally neutral towards that man.. i hate myself for falling weak all the time! ??

    • Popo

      Its fine Angelina. Its not about how many times you fall…pick yourself up and start again. You will see that each time it happens and you begin to get stronger. It’s already a turning point in your favour. Now you are more aware. Keep trying. No Contact is the only way you can regain your life back. The fact that you tried and fell off the wagon shows that you already have one foot on the right path. Keep trying….I’m on Day 5 NC…

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    Sigh….ladies i thought i was set free….but im not…i had three bottles of wine yesterday…yes 3! I regret it cuz now I feel so sick and depressed….I text him after 4 days of no contact…smh…silly me…my drunkeness lead me to do that…i swear alcohol.is a demon that has me trapped…

    • Rhea

      TryingtoBreakFree,

      I find that alcohol makes you feel worse about the whole thing so I’ve been trying not to drink that much when alone. Alcohol does not make you forget. It appears to bring the pain to the surface. It is a depressant after all.

    • Anne

      hey there, weve all been there, I was right where you were only last weekend too, its hard but yes you do get thru it in the end.. just be kind to yourself now, it happens, you will move on now.. have faith x

    • Hard time

      be strong and try again. I have been so tempted and on day 4 i dont know how i will get through this but we have to stay strong. Before I told my married man no contact he told me he want to talk to me about his work and something that happened I am so tempted to text him and ask him about it, But we have to be strong it is very very hard!!!

  • Aria

    Hi
    I feel I need to know if you have this feeling too:
    Disappointment.
    I really fell empty and disappointed.
    I did believe in God at the beginning sometimes I visper to him
    Show me the sign or help me
    But one day I find my self so angry yelling at him so where are you if you even existed? Why your doing nothing? Where is your justice?
    And then I never talk to God or think of him again.
    I feel really alone. Really.
    Is that even real? That they will see what they done to us?
    Is there anyone who have this experience that her married man saw the results of his actions?
    Sometimes I feel like those justice and karma thing we use to say Is not really exist.
    I don’t know.
    I feel terrible today.
    Isn’t it crazy that some one can came to your life and explode every thing you have and cause you so much pain and you just CANT Do ANYTHING. I MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL.

    • Patty

      I’m sorry but it takes two. You can’t blame god or karma for something you willingly took part of. I struggle with the ‘why’ also, but have come to realize I’m just as much to blame for what I’m going thru.

  • Angelina

    Its day 3 and m abiding by my decision. I feel so proud of myself. Thr was a time wen i used to crave for him & his time but now i dont need him. Today the married man msgd me saying he wants to meet but i gave him a cold shoulder n i dnt wana meet him.. all i feel for him now is hatred & nuthn else. He made it easier for me with his behaviour & words, i dnt regret losing him or feel the pain of not havin him in my life. I try to hate him more each passing day. Wenever i feel weak, I remember him being with his wife n it eases my pain. He truly deserves her & not me. I pray to lord to give me the strength to move on & keep me strong. I dnt wana look back agn now. At least not for the kind of treatment that he gave me!

  • Rhea

    Its 7 weeks since my married man and I have spoken. As if we never existed, he is able to move on from me. The coldness is staggering. I have stuck to my guns. I have not reached out but there are times, when I sit and think and I miss him. I am frustrated with myself. The pain is all so real and so present – all the time. It is getting better but the process is so slow. I am grateful that I don’t have to wait anymore for a text from him.

    If I reach out, there are a whole bunch of ways this could play out but what won’t happen is that he will not profess his love for me. Most likely, he won’t answer and he’ll be able to tell that I reached out. Even if I block my number, he’ll suspect that its me. And that will make his ego grow even bigger. If he does answer, he’ll probably be brief with me and leave me hanging. He used to do that when we dated. So I will be be left like a fool. If we ever speak again, I want it to be where I am fully healed and where I have no interest in being with him.

    We made so many memories together. I can’t seem to escape them. But I must!! My sanity and my survival depends on it. You see, I made a poor poor choice by deciding to have this affair and be letting it carry on for a year. So now, this is the consequence. Inner turmoil! I have to fill the hole that he left. ill it with other things. And I do. I do all kinds of things, but like a cancer, I carry him with me. How I wish I can cut him out from my soul. Free myself of this torture.

    I’ve tried to be more pleasant to my husband. I have initiated sex. But I lie there, lie a zombie and ache for my ex. I tell myself to keep going, keep initiating sex, keep communicating with my husband, keep working on my marriage. I go out with my friends, I go to the gym, I work. But deep in my soul is a heavy sadness. I hate him and I love him. He used me for his entertainment. And I was so vulnerable, that it was the perfect storm. And he discarded me, like garbage, when he had his fill.

    • lltcomet

      Rhea I completely understand your pain. I have been there. I know the coldness you are talking about. You must not reach out. It will harm you more. I know how painful it is. I am right there with you. He sounds like the very same married man I was in an affair with too. There are intense psychological and sexual and emotional games beneath tall he coldness believe me. This man is probably “unavailable” whether he is married or not. In fact I think so many people hide in their marriages. (I say this as a single woman). The marriage is always the excuse for the coldness and terrible abandonment and awful behavior. And the marriage is the excuse for the “cheating.” I have a feeling many of these men are hiding in what they call “unhappy marriages”. We women must get out because we are enablers when we are with them. We make their lies and bad behavior even more possible. And then we become the victims of all this negative behavior! They will suck the life out of us and rob us of any joy in life. This is not love. Celebrate your marriage and try to understand the forces that led you to the affair. But whatever you do, do not reach back out to the married man. You will get badly burned I promise you. I have done it myself many times before. I have gotten so burned I have hit the bottom emotionally. Now I have lit myself a candle, and I trying to let go and let God/dess. Because like any addiction, I am powerless over the married man. Go over to ‘go ask suzie’ dot com on the internet for some of the best help out there for people in our situation. Good luck! I am sending hugs to you. Try to hug yourself too!

      • Rhea

        IItcomet,

        Thank you for the encouragement. Yes, some men are “unavailable.” I remember when we had a fight, he insisted on ending our date; he always wanted to run away. I asked him if that’s his approach with his wife. Does he always sweep everything under the rug. I grew tired of his aloofness. One day he couldn’t get enough of me and after he’s had me, he pulls away. Who needs that kind of crumbs? I am not in any way a desperate woman. I am attractive, I have lots of friends and a career and children. I don’t need his garbage.
        I am trying to fill the hole with other activities.

    • Popo

      Rhea,
      Sounds like you are describing my relationship with my married man. Seriously! Day 4 of no contact. I know it won’t change. 11 months of my life-all meant nothing. The way you describe him Rhea – he really sounds like a narcissist. The fuel he gets from us by being cold. The silent treatment is a way of punishment. The Narcissist always needs us to beg- so guaranteed he is also suffering. I am reading a book now… ‘When love is a lie’ by Zari L Ballard. Please read it. Goshh you will start laughing and see through all the madness. Don’t feel like you are carrying a heavy burden around. Celebrate the fact that you have been set free from a narcissist. The sex with hubby will take time. Do not put yourself under pressure by over- initiating sex. Then its too much pressure. Just have good conversations and each day write what you appreciate about him. 7 weeks and counting…. One day you will wake up Rhea and realize that you are no longer counting…. Sending you love and hugs❤️

      • Rhea

        Thank you Popo. You are right to say that I should focus on communicating with my husband. There are some days when I am so strong and other days when I crumble. The mm didn’t deserve my love. Did his wife become sexy and alluring all of a sudden? Does she now call him baby, love and darling? I don’t think so. I think that he found another victim.
        I won’t feed his ego. I want him to suffer. I hope he lies in bed and aches for me.

  • Clair

    Day 5 with no contact and I honestly haven’t wanted to talk to him. The thought of him right now makes me nauseous and mad and I can’t stand the sight of his wife either. She makes me nauseous and mad to. They deserve each other. She’s mean and a you know what and he doesn’t respect her and most women in general. He hasn’t reached out to me either and I’m ok with that. A part of me wants him to just so I can show him how over him I am but I’ve never not texted him this long and I’m proud of myself. I’ve always been the one to run back or convince him to take me back but just remembering the last few weeks how he treated me has really helped me not to contact him. I have no plans to contact him. He doesn’t deserve to be happy and be “ok” but i can’t do anything about that. All I can do is worry about me. I have deleted him from all social media cause the less I know the better. I don’t want to know anything that he’s doing. Looking bad I don’t know what I saw I him. I guess the excitement and something different. He can honestly fall off the face of the earth and I don’t think I would even flinch.

    • lltcomet

      Claire you sound so strong! I am inspired by you! I have been feeling like if the married man in my life stubbed and broke his toe all I would do is laugh! I know it sounds mean but this man has taken me through the wash-rinse-spin cycle one too many times.

      • Clair

        Thank you! It’s took me 2 years to get to this point. Every time he would end it, it made me stronger each time I think and this last time just did me in. I really saw his true colors and I realized that I would not want to be married to someone like him. I just see bits and pieces of him and if I knew the real him I’m sure I would not like it. He’s a freak and a loser. My husband is 10 times the man he’ll ever be and I’m just the idiot that that has took my husband for granted the past two years. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that while the other one can go jump off a cliff.

    • Angelina

      I too get nauseous wen i think about him n his wife! I cant bear the sight of her either!! She is so so so bad looking! Dnt knw wat he sees in her.. i have not been keeping wel since 2 days, i even told him this, but that horrible man didn’t care to ask me the whole day how i was feeling.. one wud not do this to his enemy also, out of humanity we even ask our enemy if they r keeping well. Hes the worst human being in the history of mankind! m on the verge of a nervous breakdown.. i keep crying all the time n randomly break into tears! While hes happily hiding in between his wife’s legs! N then he says he LOVES me! Gosh, i just hate him n his wife! They make the ugliest couple!!

      • Clair

        What really pushed me over the edge was a week prior to us ending it, my son had his tonsils and adenoids removed. He knew how nervous I was and even saw him the day before his surgery and all he said was everything will be ok. The day of the surgery I didn’t hear one word from him. I finally texted him and said everything went ok. Even the days following he never asked how my son was doing or even how I was doing knowing how little sleep I was getting. I mean like he didn’t care one bit. That’s what really started showing me how little he cared. And yes his wife is not attractive and I don’t know what he sees in her cause she is not a nice person. Me and her are total opposites and I used to be jealous of her cause she got to have him anytime she wanted but now I say she can have him!

      • lltcomet

        Angelina I get it. I saw a pic on Facebook of the married man with his wife on Valentines Day. They looked totally happy and she had drawn red hearts all over the image of the two of them sitting really closely at a restaurant with her hand on his knee. UGH! It felt like a knife went through my heart. I got so nauseous that I threw up. So this was the “unhappy marriage” he was complaining about? GRRRRR But ever since then I have also been MAD. That picture really was the wake up call for me. I got the image and I have it on my computer for when I get tempted to reach out to that scumbag. Even if that image was pure bullsh-t I realized the MM was always going to play at being “the happily married man for his own ego. And woe to any female in his life either his wife or me the affair partner! I told him he on numerous occasions “I don’t get it. You and your wife seem happy together? Help me to understand you. Why do you think you need an affair with me?” He said about the relationship with his wife: “All that glitters is not gold!” HA!
        Guess what? I was so gullible to believe that crap. The married man is always going to want to have his cake and eat it too as I long as he can find a gullible woman like me to enable his fantasies. I so wish I could tell her sometimes but everything I have read says NOT to do this for a variety of reasons. Better just to close the door forever and walk away with my head held high. Farewell my fake ‘friend’!

  • Popo

    I AM SO MAD… Found out (through some social media investigations) that my married man dated a young 23 year old for 7 years until she was 30. It ended in 2015. We started our relationship in May 2016. I knew about the 7 year relationship but not that she was that young. He lied to me that she was the same age as me. I am 4 years older than her. He was 9 years older than her. Puke. She was a child who worked for him and he took advantage.
    I almost sent a text in rage. Then remembered… Its just my ego. What good will possibly come out of me texting or letting him know that I know.

    First rule of the ego is never deceive yourself second rule is; you are the easiest person to deceive. Because we can’t justify it to ourselves, the mind finds reasons – oh I am contacting him because of xxx. There will always be reasons.

    Again… I sat on my hands and asked God to take the craving away… Still counting. Day 2 No Contact. The first days are the hardest. It gets easier ladies…..

      • lltcomet

        indeed, yes they lie as a way of life. Imagine that poor girl: 7 years, her best years to find a mate (the 20’s) wasted with a lying married man. Popo you are lucky and very smart to cut it short so much sooner!

  • lltcomet

    I have been on the “married man” train off and on with the same guy for many years. What do I have to show for my efforts, my loyalty? Nada. I finally realized my MM was treating me the same exact way he has always been treating his wife: Like crap!! He is an unkind and selfish man to women. Period. I was always ready to be there for him to help him make for himself and for his odd choices and behaviors. (I was a co-dependent) And I always thought what we had was somehow “different” than what he had at home with his wife. But that was all a lie.
    She probably works her ass off to please him for all I know. But for this man, there is never enough love, never enough attention, never enough adulation, never enough sex. I could not see this clearly before because I was so “mesmerized” and hypnotized” by him and by our brief times together. I thought we had something so beautiful and so special. Nope. I have crash landed into reality but I am grateful to finally see the truth. My MM is not the “victim” of a “so-so” marriage and an “inattentive” wife. That was a flat out lie or exaggeration at best. Why I chose to believe this lie and why I chose to see him as a victim (and to “help” him) and our is something I am still working out. For one I am on the gullible side; for two, I believe he is a classic narcissist and super charming when he wants to be. And he is a great liar. But, no matter really. What matters now is I stay must away from him. I must continue to see the truth for what it is. He says he wants me “around” but that actually means for the possibility of sex and no other reason. This is a red flag. No can do. I now think that any man who can straight up lie to his woman at home is bad news. I no longer care if they argue or not, make love or not, celebrate Valentine’s Day together or not because he is showing me clearly he is a good liar. He looks another woman straight in the eye and lies. And his “life partner” no less. This is a huge red flag and I realize I missed it. I wish I had never participated in this lie to myself and to another woman. But no more!

  • Anne

    Well here I am again, sounding like a broken down record at this stage, but even though it is and has been only online, bar meeting once a year for last two years, I have finally broken the contact and at a very difficult time too for him.. he continues to contact me once or twice a week with the usual text on how beautiful I am to him and how he misses me etc etc etc… I was getting stronger by the weeks and then wham.. he text me to let me know his Dad had just passed away, and I automatically got completely and utterly sucked right back in again, only to be hung up on and literally blanked the following day… strange thing is he wanted for me to go and meet him, even knowing I had a few beers on me and didn’t even care that I could have crashed driving long distance to see him at an ungodly hour of the night too.. when am I going to learn? I told him that I am sorry and that I apologise to him and I apologise to God for having any contact with him knowing full well he is married and that I am not ending all contact for us both to get on with our lives.. I know full well I will get responses and feel bad for him that I’m not there for him, on the days leading up to his Dads funeral.. but shudnt it be his Wife that he should be confiding in and being consoled by.. he does not say anything bad about her either and they have a small child too. He keeps on asking me if I am worth it to walk away from his marriage and I cannot answer that nor would I… he says he even told his Dad about me a few weeks ago when they were having a heart to heart and his sister and brother also.. this made me feel uncomfortable as if it leaked out we were talking his Wife would end up finding out.. please any amount of advice would really help me right now, I really need it, thanks. PS this is not the first time Ive cut contact I do it all the time.. is it a habbit? do I really love him? or is it all just one big fantasy? as I’m separated only 16 months now, my choice was not happy.. please any advice welcome. and WHY can I not just block him?

    • hardtime

      I tried cutting contact but everytime he sucked me back in cause i could not bring myself to block him. This Sunday i dont know what got into me but I finally said dont contact me for 30 days. With in a few mins he messaged me back the word “done” and blocked me off facebook. That hurt me. I am still hurt but when the time come you will be able to block him if you get the strength do it at the moment. I was lucky enough i had confided in a friend and when I was about to send the message I called her and she was on the phone with me the whole time. This I have wonted to do since January and just got the strength this Sunday. You will do it when your ready but the sooner the better. I am here if you need to talk

      • Anne

        Hi hardtime! and thanx for your support I really appreciate and very well done on blocking him. I’m also now on day 2 of no contact yet again. I’ve blocked him, unfriended him, deleted him from phone and deleted the apps from phone etc numerous time over the past year or so but always cave in in the end and unblock him, re add to phone etc. I’m also the only one ever to cut ties and have even managed 2 months at a time a couple of times now. I just need to keep the momentum going now as it’s literally driving me crazy having to check my phone every five mins for updates that are obviously just a fantasy for him anyway. These married men treat us as their fantasy and we serve one purpose only and that is to massage their egos. Shame on them and furthermore shame on us for even allowing them! We are not showing our self worth at all when we really should be just walking away from these rats with our heads held high with self respect!! That’s where I’m headed for now, who cares to join me?

    • Angelina

      Anne, I can totally understand wat u r going through coz m in the same ship as u! I keep having these roundabouts with this married man.. but trust me, we as women r too emotional n giv them all the love, attention, care, trust, (and even gifts) more than wat they deserve! N wat do we get in return? Only pain, jealousy, insecurity, torture, n as sum1 here rightly said, crumbs! Thats the case with ur guy as well, u giv him attention n that boosts his ego so thats y he doesnt want to let u go. But at the same time for emotional support n social security he needs his wife as wel! Trust me, hes never gona disturb his family for u no matter watevee he says to u! I hav been experiencing all this, so can understand clearly..my mm doesnt say anythin bad abt his wife either n wen i say anythn agnst her he cant listen to it! On the contrary he starts fighting with me n tel me to show respect towards her! How does he expect me to respect her wen he’s direspecting her by havin an affair, n am helping him in that!! He says that he has kept that life SEPARATE! He tells me that he doesn’t want us to disturb our families n yet be together!! I dnt think this is EVER EVER possible.. men can be ok with this kind of arrangement but women r emotional, possesive, attached, n not happy with the idea of the one who they love goin to another women everyday., dnt think abt wat all u miss abt him, but just remember the times u felt insulted or ill-treated.. hatred makes it easier to move n dats wat m doin., i try to hate him more each day & only think abt the times wen i was alone n he was havin a nice romantic night with his wife! Since u r the one who ended with him, u hav an upper hand here, its better than he dumping u! Just b firm on ur decision n wait for the guy who’s ready to commit to u in long term!

      • Anne

        Hi Angelina thanx for your reply. I agree with every single word you say. Sometimes I feel I’m actually in a trans when I get sucked back into his nonsense again but it is as you put it a merry go round that we are on. I am no longer going to allow myself to be treated like thus plus I revalue my morals too. I have actually said sorry to him and to God for ever getting involved on any level with a married man at all. Let’s hope now this is the end of it and the beginning of a well awaited fresh start for all of us on here. This site is really helping so much. Thanx ladies. Wish you well x

    • Aria

      Anne,
      Just block him. Married men will come back to you if you let them cause it’s just a game for them. Just another taste to have.
      Let your self free

  • Shiv

    Hi All,
    It’s been a few days since I left a post and I really thought the dynamic with my married man had changed.. Over a week ago I had it out with him over how bad he had previously treated me and he apologised and promised things would change and that he had seen the error of his ways etc etc .. so he actually was great for nearly over a week calling everyday , messaging me telling me he loved me this was also a time when he was either at work and his wife was at work . But promise he would make a greater effort at home even just to send the odd text because we used to be in constant contact before his wife previously found out about us … she now thinks it’s completely over between us and we haven’t spoken in months .. but anyways the other night I didn’t get a message off him and then next day he was really odd and said he needed to talk to me on the phone … he explained that his wife’s family had surprised him and his wife with a vacation overseas…. I do doubt this because firstly it’s a very expensive holiday for a family member to pay for and I don’t think you would just spring this on someone. My initial reaction of course was upset and jealousy because I want to be the one going on a holiday like that… but worst of all he was like it will be hard to contact … now my thoughts on this if you care enough and if he truly loves me even if it’s hard he will .. he promised to message everyday he is gone for 10 but I cannot reply and one call … but like eveyother promise I believe for now because I want to believe so much he will do that while he is away but I know there will be disappointment and excuses why he couldn’t contact like he said he could .. and I also failed to mention just last week he needed to borrow some money because his car broke down and yes I gave it to him but deep down I don’t think his car broke down I think I subsidised his first week of holidays because i know he gets paid next week..why when I know all this can’t I let go ..I am so low at the moment … i definitely have more bad days then good due to this relationship… but it’s like I’m addicted to the high even though there is very few …I want to say it’s done but I don’t have to strength to walk away … or if I said it was done I would want him to fight to get me back but I don’t think he would … I known actions speak louder than words …’I just want him to make me happy … not because i ask him to but because I matter…!but I’m feeling very doubtful that I actually mean anything to him at all at the moment because we had a big fight before he left and I’m so low … I hate that he has this power over me … I keep reading some of your comments over and over to find strength from them but any other advice would help so much .

  • Popo

    Ladies. Thanks for sharing your stories.
    I’m struggling today. After a few weeks of knowing for sure we are headed for the end- I think its finally here. But I’m scared to let go – I can’t. Don’t know why.
    We were chatting yesterday and suddenly he says hmmm not feeling your chats today. He then says things have changed he doesn’t wake up looking forward to my messages he replies only to avoid further questions or begrudgingly so. I asked him… ‘How come things are perfect in person and when we make love ‘ He says its true he still feels the same in person he doesn’t know what happened.
    I have been going through the painful addiction cycle with him…Attraction-Satisfaction-Rejection-Begging-Reconcilation. Emotionally, I am so tired of fighting for him. He broke up with me so many times, one time he said I’m a flirt, another I’m lying to him about not sleeping with my husband (i was), he doesn’t trust me….

    I told him I’m addicted to him he said no its not an addiction its a habit. Huh
    So he basically said he wants friendship with me not a love relationship. He can’t let go coz he loves our friendship. He wants a relationship he says we talk when we do and when we don’t talk we don’t. I remembered Rheas line here and told him that I’m going to open my hand release you and let you fly away unscathed while my heart bleeds. He said thanks for understanding. Imagine -no begging nothing.
    Then after an hour went back and said to him I’m willing to try that ‘no expectations’ arrangement. He always says I am too needy. He says his wife and people that have known him for years understand that he is an introvert and doesn’t like talking or replying to messages all the time. He gets his energy from internal not from other people like me. I said to him I can tone back and give it a try. I however kept thinking – I would also understand and would not care about you not responding or introverted if you were my husband.. Besides, he once gave me so much more when we started 11 months ago. He didn’t reply. I said I would try and tone back because was thinking… I do that then hurt him instead. Get pregnant with my husbands child (through ivf). Husband and I also have a holiday coming up…. Don’t know why that is so important to me. Why can’t
    This man has robbed me of my life the last 11 months. I’m ALWAYS thinking of him. I am no fun to my friends, family even my daughter. All I think of is him. All I want to talk to is him. I’m always so grumpy. The only time I’m happy is right after I’ve spoken to him or right after I’ve seen him. In between I’m either upset that he’s ignored me or he cancelled.

    I love him so much. Even addicts think they love Heroine. Can not remember being this much in love. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what’s happening to him. I have deleted his texts. I keep looking at his wifes instagram thinking what does he see in her… She is not even cute but I know I have to stop.

    Worst part is I can’t talk to anyone about this. Noone knows. My husband looked at me this morning shook his head and said My gawd… You look troubled… Wish there was a magic way out of this. Wake up and all the pain is gone. Everything around me reminds me of him -even my own house.. Thats because I have carried him in my heart and he has haunted me for so long….

    • Angelina

      Popo, I really feel sad to read how u hav been feeling.. but it seems all u hav been doin is compromise! To hav this man in ur life u decided to settle for the crumbs! U deserve a lot more than this dear! If hes not willing to respect u or value u, move out of it! I remember ur advice abt leavin the pathetic old married man whom m datin n i did exactly the same! M nt happy with this kinda arrangement where he has me as a filler n his wife as a permanent solution! Even u shudnt.. n i luv wat u said abt “what does he see in her” ?? tel me abt it! I keep digging out his wife’s pics on Facebook n i keep thinking the same! Atleast m relieved that i no longer hav to see her ugly pics!! ?? jokes aside.. reconciling with him is only a short term solution but he wil never ever commit to u! Just coz heroin can giv u pleasure for a moment, u cant ignore the damage its gona coz in the long run! U r strong, n u dnt need any drug to keep u moving!

  • Hardtime

    I finally did it, told him not to contact me!!! within mins he said done and blocked me on facebook!! I thought he might of said i will miss you or something but no that is it. I feel great for doing it but said I am losing a friend. I have not stopped crying. but why I gave up someone that was not mine and did not really care (although he said i was one of his best friends why could he block me so easy) Now how to get thorugh the next days we would say good mornign or hope you have a good day every day or every other day. How do you get through a breakup up with a married man, its for the best i know but my heart hurts.

    • Popo

      Hardtime
      It will be fine. You do not get over something like this you get through it. With pain yes, Step by step…minute by minute.
      Everything in life the universe gives us is a gift. Some gifts hurt like hell others a pleasure yet…. All a gift.

    • Aria

      Hard time
      Of course your hearts hurt, of course you will have hard time sad days find your self crying and many other things but you gonna be alright
      Well no one said doing a right thing is easy
      You went wrong Road you chose wrong person
      You’re hurt and this pains need time to be healed but congratulations for you
      Finally you do the right thing. You will feel ten times better because at least you end it.
      But be strong and take the pain and try to be kind with your self.

    • Angelina

      I did that too.. for the Nth time! he also said the same thing.. “Ok”.. i dnt knw wat happens to me that i keep ending it with him every week n thn agn go back to him!! Y cant i make a firm decision.. probably by now he also knws its temporary coz by now he wud hav called bak to bak n kept on msgin.. i hav become a joke now! Hope i sustain it this time! I do miss him n its really heart battering, but i think in long run its better than feeling jealous n irritated weneva he spends time with his wife, ignores me, hangs up on me, gives a cold shoulder wen i plan surprises for him, piercing my heart thinkin hes havin sex with her, fighting with myself to prove m much better than his wife, tracking thm on social networks, n moreover, risking my own marriage for him!

    • Freedfromprison

      My phony relationship with married man also ended a week ago but we mutually agreed to move on and set each other free. I think in some respects it gave me a fair amount of closure. In your case his ego took a beating when you dumped him so he had to act all indifferent and stoic. I understand the feeling of loss, sadness and despair. I mistakenly picked up a teddy bear he gave me and couldn’t stop sobbing. It’s so frustrating to experience sadness when you know it was a toxic, dead end situation. Not much gained and even less lost. Still…. hurts like hell.

      Try to be proud of yourself for taking the initiative and doing the right thing for yourself. I believe you’d feel much worse if he called it quits. One day at a time and know this too shall pass. Give yourself time and love. Deep clean your home, spruce up your place with new decos, rearrange furniture. Try sage cleansing your aura and your home. Get into a workout routine if you aren’t already active regularly. You’ll feel better physically and emotionally. Maybe get a massage, new haircut, makeover. Stay busy with friends and loved ones. Allow yourself time at the end of the day to cry, release, grieve and most importantly practice self-love. I’ve also been seeing a therapist for the last couple months and he helped me to come to a healthy decision. I wish you and all the people here happiness and healthy love.

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    Great news ladies!!! Ive been set free!!! The married man ended it…Im okay with the decision…I was about to end also….but he did first….now time for me to love myself once again….and love the lord!

    • Popo

      Mine too. Looks like they are reading the same memo. Struggling! He told me his feelings are not the same. He wants me around but not to talk about love…

      • lltcomet

        You do NOT have to hang ‘around’! For what? This It is not only all about him. It is about you! And your needs too!

    • Clair

      This was me last week. He had been treating me bad and I had just had it and I said do I need to walk away and he said yes. I’m ok with it to cause I honestly think I’ve had enough. This has happened in the past but it’s different this time. I’m not hanging on or hoping he’ll text me. I honestly want nothing to do with him at the moment.

  • Chris

    I’m sending prayers and love to all of you. I know that things will change for you and that one day your hearts willl be mended. Keep faith that this situation will turn around the blessing of God will manifest in your life. I know some of you are holding on to shame and guilt, and possibly punishing yourself bc you feel as though you’ve done something wrong. Don’t! Let it grow. Through every struggle there is growth and we don’t have to live our lives in the valleys or shadows. Keep pressing on and writing to one another or yourselves. Journaling has really helped me through this process. Remember someone out there loves and needs you in their lives even if it’s not him.

  • Angelina

    Why do i make the same mistake!! Y do I expect anything from him!! I stated before that he never does anything to make me feel special, or give me any gifts! On the contrary i keep giving him surprises n gifts!! I hav spent so much on him, wen he earns 10 times more than me!! He only keeps buying gifts for his wife n son.. wat hurts the most is that i go out of my way to make him feel spcl all the time, n his reaction is so plain, so cold.. i never heard a word of gratitude from his mouth! NEVER! He never told me that he liked it! Today agn i did sumthn, n as usual, he gave me a cold shoulder! As if his wife does all that for him all the time!! Such a thankless b*****d he is!!! ???

    • Popo

      Angelina
      I understand. The only way is to stop with the gifts or the relationship. The peace will be better and in the long run you will be better off. My married man is the exact same. Its hard. Ending it is hard. Staying in it is hard. There is no way out of this but pain…. I’m at my absolute lowest today. He finally told me he doesn’t feel the same way. I wish I had more strength to give but need some myself.

      • Angelina

        Popo, wish u get all the strength to deal with this! At the same time, i wish to knw how r u dealing with this?? I have tried ending it multiple times but i cant survive the pain! Hav tried doing everything.. meditation, prayers, travel, spend time with family, friends, movies, clubbing!! Everything! But notjing works n i keep thinking abour him & track him on social networking sites.. how did u succeed?

      • Khloe

        Been reading all your comments last night. It’s so refreshing to read posts with no judgment. Just understanding. Week 1 too of no contact. It is so hard. But reading all your comments gave me comfort that I’m not alone in this journey. Ours was not an affair. It was purely fun. Until I fell in love. Wow, that’s the first time i wrote that down and admitted to myself. We keep trying to be just friends but the text messages turned from friendship to sexual and we couldn’t stop. It’s been going on for 4 yrs. We dont say we lvoe each other. I told him I just want to be friends last week. He said ‘all good’. Then why does it hurt damn it.

    • Popo

      Angelina
      Said this to Shiv. Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle helped me. A LOT. Please read it. Noone can deliver you really. It requires a tremendous amount of awareness, presence of mind and discipline from you. You have to put in the work. Honestly its not easy -easier said than done. Think of it this way… You really have no choice but to let go for good unless you are resigning yourself to a life of misery. Like me you are lucky you have a husband. I have been loving my husband like you won’t believe since my No Contact. Sending him kisses, love… He replies instantly with love and kisses…. I pathetically begged for this from mm. Imagine. I look at this now with my husband and I’m like this is so easy- this is true love. Last night I even started feeling a few butterflies for hubby. Its a miracle I tell you. Affairs are like broken glasses- you cannot see clearly… even the image of yourself is distorted. You think you love mm but you don’t. You look at yourself and you are in tiny pieces. Put yourself back together girl. Take charge of your life. True love is not clingy. It’s secure. Its not what you are going through now. All the best…..

      • Angelina

        Its day 2 n i feel even worse! I had a terrible heart pain yesterday. I haven’t been eating or sleeping properly. To top it up, am havin different set of problems with my husband., we keep fighting all the time.. its been more than a month that we even made love, he doesn’t feel like coming close to me dnt know y! M stil the same.. young, charming, beautiful (atleast guys say so) but my husband has been maintaining distance with me.. so on one hand my marriage is goin thru problems and on the other hand m heartbroken on my lover’s loss.. n this mm is living his life normally.. dropping his kid to school, pickin him up, partying, enjoying life with his wife, dropping her to work, moreover, putting happy display pics! My heart burns wen i see him happy! U wer right, it cant b love for sure else i wudnt b jealous of his happiness.. i wudnt wish bad for him or his wife, but I really really want her to either die or leave him for another man.. i wud hav been happy seein him happy if I really loved him but m not! If m not happy in my life i dnt want him to b either! But i dnt discuss my marital problems with him coz he wil get ego boost instead i talk only good things abt my husband n how much he luvs me.. i try to make him feeel jealous but that has no reaction at all on him!!

  • Chris

    This evening was difficult for me. I found myself crying for the first time. I think it was because I’ve been busy and today my time was free and there was time to think about him. I asked him to give me distance last week and he agreed. There’s a part of me that wants him to check on me although I asked for space. I know that this feeling will pass. I have removed myself from coming into contact with him by leaving the gym and distancing myself from mutual friends. I know each day I’ll get stronger and will be free from this feeling.

    • Jenny

      I can totally relate. I’m busy during the day and don’t think about it much. At night I fall apart. I’m married myself, 2 young kids, and ended my affair exactly 1 month ago today. Not because I wanted too, but because he was very Hot and Cold and everything was on his terms. We have been on no contact the entire time. Sometimes I wish he would reach out to me but it never happened. I’m to proud to reach out to him, but I k ow it’s for the best. Hang in there girl… you are not alone… hugs

      • Chris

        Thank you! I’m feeling much better today. I’ve been writing empowerment notes and letters to myself. I know that I’m better than this situation and he or anyone can’t control how I feel but me. I’m ready to stand tall and walk out into the world with my head high. I may actually see the married man tonight at a party with mutual friends and I have vowed to myself not to allow his presence to alter my mood and even entertain the idea of sleeping with him. This process isn’t going to be long and painful as I thought bc I dictate what I want for my life and how I feel. I survived this short chapter in my life and stand taller than the day before. I’m happy that you have been able to keep your distance. Things will get better for you as well. God bless!

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    As anybody ever thought maybe the reason why these married men become distant is because they’re seeing other women? If they can cheat on their wives, they can definitely do it to us…

    • Rhea

      You’re absolutely right! My married man was cheating or trying to cheat on me. I found a message on his phone from another woman, calling him handsome. He was supposed to meet up with her but she cancelled on him. So then I began to pull away. Told him I didn’t want to be on his rotation. He confessed – told me he was supposed to meet another woman but that it was cancelled. And because I was blind, I continued with him.

      • Popo

        Finally decided to walk away. Each day I justify staying with him is each day of intense pain and agony. I am yearning and longing for him so bad… To just grab my phone and send ‘one last text’….but instead I am going to sit on my hands and beg God to take away the addiction…. I have to stop causing problems for myself when I stop then I will stop causing problems him having always the feeling that he must always talk to be

    • Amber

      I’m actually feeling the same way. My married man ended it with me a month ago. Said his wife was sick and he needed to be by her side now. Feel totally broken and feel like it was a lie so he could meet someone else after almost 2 years seeing one another. Anyone else have this happen?

      • Rhea

        Amber,
        Yes, mine told me that he wanted to work things out with his wife because she wanted to reconnect / reconcile. So the moment she wants to make the relationship work, he drops me like I’m a hot potato. But for the last year, when I comforted and loved him, I was all he wanted. I don’t buy that story. This married man wanted out. This relationship was fun for him but he knew it had an expiration date. I was naïve and allowed myself to fall for him. I wanted an experience too. I should have slept with him once or twice and give him the boot. That way I would have had my experience and I would have kept my heart in tact. You live and you learn.

    • Clair

      Yes! Of course my guy said he never did but honestly I would not want to be married to a man like him if you think about it. It’s not necessarily the woman he’s married to. He would probably cheat on anyone he’s in a committed relationship with. I don’t think he can help it cause I know I’m not the only woman he’s had an affair with. But I don’t feel bad for his wife. If your connected with your husband your going to know something is off and she either has to be guilty herself or just a plain idiot to be perfectly honest with you. So of course they would cheat on us to.

  • Clair

    After 4 days I’ve finally talked to my married man but from me texting him. I texted him yesterday and he didn’t reply but did this morning. He said he stressed from work and at home and that he was sorry. He said he wants to make me happy but knows he’s not and it bothers him. I told him maybe I need to walk away so he won’t feel like he needs to worry about me . He said he was sorry and I asked do you want me to walk away? And he said yes. I said ok. Of course I said my peace and I said goodbye. That was this morning and this afternoon he sent me a text and said I know I’m the last person you want to talk to me just be careful tomorrow with the weather. I just wanted to tell you personally. (we are supposed to be having bad weather in my area). I said I guess you do care a little don’t you? He said don’t ever doubt that. He confuses the crap out of me but I’m honestly not upset right now. I’m ok to walk away. I know I’ll miss him but I don’t deserve how he treats me regardless him being stressed or not.

    • Chris

      Don’t fall for his trap. He’s trying to show gestures of concerns bc he’s not willing to let you go but he’s not willing to give you what you want either. What does he need to inform you about the weather when we have so many media outlets that can keep you informed. It’s a trap!! You have to consider what you need in this situation and for your life. I’m struggling with this as well but I’m grateful for this platform where women can come together and support one another.

      • Clair

        Chris,

        Exactly! Why would he feel the need to tell me about it after he said he wanted me to walk away?? This morning I spoke my piece to him and he said he was sorry and I didn’t deserve how he’s been treating me. I’m really ok right now. I think I’ve just had enough but it’s been like this before. I feel like he probably will text me again but I’m different this time. I’m just mentally exhausted.

      • Chris

        Great! I’m glad to hear you’re doing ok. That’s better than feeling down and out. You’re giving me hope.

    • SoInLove

      You’re right, you don’t deserve that at all. And these married men are very confusing. How hey can treat us the way they do I’ll never understand. I’m glad you are feeling ok. It’s your hearts way of telling you that you are going to be ok and get through this.

      Heartbreak in any form is hard, but keep telling yourself you’re doing what is absolutely best for you.

      • Clair

        SoInLove,

        I’m still feeling ok with everything. It just makes me mad because I had like a page of stuff I said to him and I was nice and mean about a few things and all he said was I wish the best for you to and I’m sorry how I’ve treated you. You don’t deserve that. After 2 years that’s all your going to say??? I told him I know there would be days where I missed him but when I do I’m going to go right back to this time and remember how I felt and how much he has hurt me. He makes me so mad. I think when you finally have had enough you get mad instead of hurt. I hope if and when he does text me again I will be stronger and not believe his crap.

  • Angelina

    How do you handle it when u know ur married man is still having sex with his wife? It just kills me when i imagine them together! I cant handle it!!! Once i went mad at him coz of this but he clearly told me we shouldn’t ask each other abt this and we should give each other SPACE! He told me he cant stop it with her!! :'( :'(

    • Chris

      First stop calling him “my married man” he’s not yours. He’s legally and spiritual bound to another woman. He’s going to sleep with his wife bc he has to maintain his life regardless of your feelings about it. To be honest he may enjoy being with his wife. Be honest about what you want from him. You have to be realistic bc expecting a married man to stop having sex with his wife is impossible.

    • Clair

      Angelina,

      I had a hard time with this to. Of course he would tell me when he was with her he would think about me and all that. The guy I was seeing used to tell me sometimes when he was going to have sex with her and made sure he told me he would be thinking of me! I mean really??!!! What a idiot. They don’t care. But there are some men that are not cheaters and actually respect women. My guy did not respect me at all. Me getting mad and fed up with it all has really helped me a lot this time. And when I said this time I mean one of many breakups we’ve had. But this time its different. I’m ok with walking away.

  • Angelina

    I need advice.. ladies, plz plz plz tell me how do i end things with my married man? I wish i had never crossed the boundary of my marriage and got myself into this.. life was perfect for me.. good career, loving husband, such nice parents & inlaws.. dont know what was missing in my life that i put myself in this mess..hes quite elder to me, father of a kid & married for over 10 yrs now.. and i am young, recently married to my childhood sweetheart.. i had everything one can ever ask for.. i only made my life complicated by falling in this trap.. things were stil under control and i never thought of leaving my spouse for him, but once we had sex, i became insecure n possessive about him.. i cant stand his wife’s presence in his life.. i started havin fights with him every 2nd day coz of this..hes clear abt the fact that he cant ever marry me, but i want to.. i feel if we love each other thn we shud b together n not cheat on our spouses.. but hes happy this way.. we came closer, went on holidays n stayed together weneva my husband was out of town.. all this made me more possessive abt him.. i love him from core of my heart, went out of my way to make him feel spcl, though he didnt do much for me (no presents or surprises for me which every girl desires!) i tried so many times to cut off with him, so many times i told him its over n we wud spend days without being in contact, but i realized that i m stuck in a swamp, the more i try to get out of it, the more i sink deep inside! I feel a weird pain in my heart n go breathless wenever i try to break up with him! I hav realized theres no way out of it! I dnt wana lose my husband, coz the day he gets to knw abt this, he wil throw divorce on my face & i wont hav anywhr to go! My parents wont accept me n this man wont leave his family for me, this he made clear from day 1! He says he loves me a hell lot thn y cant he b with me? I wana come out of it but like a drug its killing me slowly n i cant even liv without it! Tell me wat to do plz ladies…

    • Rhea

      Angelina,

      I understand exactly what you say when you talk about this thing feeling like a drug. It is. Your brain has become addicted to this illicit affair. It’s evil that appears glamorous.

      You have to dig yourself out. Pull yourself out. Drag one foot in front of the other to move on. It’s been 6 six weeks since my mm dumped me. Our breakup was not hostile. I cried and told him I love him (for the first time in a year) and he said he loves me too (that part I don’t believe). I have to be honest. Everyday is difficult. I’m not crying all day but at least once a day. I work, I smile, I carry on but my heart is heavy. I wish the pain would leave me. I sit next to my phone at work and watch it. He must be in his office, I wonder. A phone call away. I can still hear his “hello.” But what will I get if I do that? Pain, more pain, new pain and humiliation. I’m angry at myself that I fell into this trap. It is a trap. Get out now.

      There is hope and healing for you. You have to believe that there is life after this because there is. It will be hard as hell. I am so kind to myself because I know that I am fighting a battle everyday to stay strong. The worst thing is to disappoint myself and I won’t do that.

      Every morning, I take care to make myself up. I walk with my head high even though my heart is broken. I don’t have a choice. I am fighting to survive. This is my life and my future and there is nothing for me with him. My marriage is still not great and I am grieving the loss of my lover. But I am still grateful that I was able to come out of it without my husband or family finding out. At least I have a chance to make my situation at home peaceful and bearable.

      The way to end this thing is to just end it. No contact at all. None. It’s the most painful way but its the most effective way to get you to heal. It will take months, maybe years but every day that you wait for someone to give you crumbs, you’re wasting one day that you’ll never get back.

    • Popo

      Angelina
      Whatever you do… do not leave your husband. I am sober enough to know that I would choose my husband over him any day. Listen… you don’t love him, you just love the idea of being in love…. you have made it all up in your mind. It’s a fantasy. The ego in you will never be satisfied. Every time he goes to his wife, the ego dies a little. And the ego is scared of dying.
      Make peace with the fact that nothing in life is permanent, you can’t hold on to him or anyone else or anything. It’s all impermanent. Life is ephemeral. We will at some point lose EVERYTHING we have ever held dear… husband, money, children…. everything..
      I am in the same situation. My husband and I are actually busy on IVF and I’m doing this-pathetic! He doesn’t know (part of my revenge plan-I am gon tell him I am pregnant then dump him-BUT WHY IM I EVEN THINKING THAT). I also get no gifts. I buy him loads of presents yet he earns 15 times more than me (not even exaggerating). Bottom line is this…. The only way out is through… you have to let him go… it will hurt like hell… boy! It will hurt but you have to let go and stop all contact. It will set you free.
      Last advice…Please Please – Do not leave your husband for this disgusting old married man.

      • Angelina

        Thank u rhea & popo.. i try to b strong, everyday i think of ending it with the married man, but when i see his pic on watsapp, i get carried away n numb!! 🙁

  • Hardtime

    Having a hard time and just need to put it on paper. I have told my story before: Married man and wife went through many IUI to get pregnant (over 15 trys) never thought it would happen…and it finally did. I need to distance my self and do no contact but cant bring myself to. He is off my phone but still on the dreaded facebook. We were long time friends before any of this start but its been over 6 years. I need to break up with my married man but cant bring myself to do it. Any ideas how i can? He will not talk to me if I ask him too but I will miss it too much. I know i just need to break up with him but I can’t.

    • Chriss

      My heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine how hard it will be to break a six year relationship with someone you love. My recommendation is to get touch with yourself, take back your power and remember this part of your life will pass in time. You don’t have to suffer in this.

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    Its like all these married men read the same book….I swear we’re all dating the same married man…they give us all the love and affection in the beginning…but later on they start to treat us like crap…why is that? My married man still wants to be with me…but he doesn’t give me the same attention he used to…so im like why do you still wanna be here?! Smh…

    • hardtime

      sounds like me. Used to go to movies and lots of time together at least everyother week. We live2 hours away from eachother. Now once a month if that and out to dinner then wham bam thankyou. I need to stop it but nice when i do see hime we talk everyday need to stop that but cant

  • Chris

    Thank you all for creating this platform of healing and community. I recently broke things off with a married man last week. I felt myself becoming angry and resentful towards him. The presence of him angered me and anything he said pissed me off. Controlling my anger was something I struggled with in the past and I wasn’t about to allow that person to control my life again. He was my trainer at the gym and never promised to leave his wife. He told me that their relationship was built on business and making money together. There was no love. I conjured up in my own mind that I could be the one that provided the love and relationship to him while he made money with this woman. Naive! After we had sex for the first time after months of flirting and fooling around, he told me there were other women he was sleeping with, even some I knew from the gym. He considered me as a friend that he could tell his dirty secrets too and sometimes become intimate with. I was crushed. I wasn’t this woman who could separate my feelings this way. But I tried to make myself be ok with the arrangement because I enjoyed the sex and the company.
    I was lonely and loved the attention. He made me feel sexy which I’ve never really felt in my life. I tried to convince myself that it was ok and if I remained loyal enough to him I could at least be treated as his “girlfriend” and maybe even fall in love with me bc I was a “cool” chick. This situation only made me feel depressed. Now I’m sitting here at a wellness center in Negril, Jamaica doing everything to release this attachment to this man, praying, yoga, mineral baths, dancing, writing. you name it. I’m a little afraid I’ll give in and go back to the arrangement when I go back to the states. Before I came to Jamaica,
    I left the gym so I won’t see him anymore. I told him that I needed distance and he just said, “I’ll support you in whatever decision you made.” Even that stung a little.
    I guess I wanted him to fight harder for me but I know I have to let go. I have all intention to stay clear of him. I feel sad bc in the past year I’ve made some connections with friends at the gym but in order for me to separate I have to totally let everything associated with this man go. The silver lining is that I know once I get through this I’ll be free and empowered. I will have learned my lesson in dealing with unavailable men. I also realized that I have some Daddy issues I’m still working through. I hope this helps another woman and I’m open for encouraging words from some of you. Thank you.

  • Kelly

    I’ve just recently found this article and decided to read the comments. Wow. It’s been helpful to read all of the support and how challenging it is for everyone. I was in a 7 year long distance relationship with a married man and 7 years ago I broke it off. I didn’t speak to him for 5 years until one day he texted me. I asked him why he was contacting me. I wasn’t going down this road again. I already had the t-shirt. So then I would hear from him at Christmas etc. Two months ago my 7 year relationship with my live in boyfriend ended and what do I do…I start texting my married man! And just like that it’s back to the way it was and I even flew to see him last week for two wonderful days. I know, I know… It really is like an addiction. This time I’m not so naive but am still struggling. I told him I can’t do this again and that I won’t. He said he can’t leave “just yet” as his wife will clean out his bank account and he thinks things are happening too quick! “Too quick” are you friggin kidding me! I want to walk away but part of me is unable to, yet I don’t like how it makes me feel. It makes me feel ashamed of who I am and that’s a horrible feeling. I just told him that actions speak louder than words and that talk is cheap. He agrees but says he isn’t sure how long it will take…part of me wants to believe him, but is he just stringing me along again? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I need to keep coming back here to stay strong.

    • galwaygirl7

      When I read your posts I feel so inspired but as soon as I face reality again I’m back to the pathetic needy mess I have become over the last 2+ years. I wish I was strong enough to do what I know needs to be done and that is walk away but I don’t have it in me – I don’t understand myself anymore.

    • Clair

      Kelly

      I feel your pain. I’m in almost a 2 year long affair and it’s been off and on so many times and we both can’t seem to let each other go completely. It’s hard because we live In the same little town and we live like 7 min from each other. I don’t like who I am and I know I’m better off without him it’s just getting to that point of not caring. He doesn’t treat me right. He’ll ignore my texts and will go days before he will text me and it’s only when he wants to see me. He really doesn’t want anything to do with me other than that. How pathetic am I? Just know your not alone.

    • Tina

      Hi Kelly,

      Please don’t believe him. Actions DO speak louder than words. I had my mm stringing me along for months.

      I left him because I said I no longer wanted to be with a married man. I no longer wanted mere crumbs which he could spare quickly after work or even during work hours. I am worth more I said, I don’t want to hear from you again and deleted him/blocked him from every platform/messaging service.

      Two days later he reached out and said ‘I’ve ended it, I told her everything and I want to be with you, I’m just sorting out where I live and all of my bank accounts etc.’

      That was 3 months ago?! For 3 months he has been telling me they are broken up but just living in the same place for the child.

      I suddenly started to realise he hasn’t left her and nor will he ever, not when I am still in the picture.

      ‘You are lying’ I said, you haven’t left her, if you have then please show me some evidence. Nothing could be provided. I am going to walk away and delete you like I did before.

      He said he will come back to
      me when ‘things are sorted’, come back to me when he is able
      to give me all of himself. That day will not come I said. ‘I will prove you wrong’ he said.

      I have deleted him from my life,
      Finally!

      Kelly, leave the married man now. Deny him contact until he can prove himself to you.
      Don’t be strung along with words and platitudes!

      You are worth more.

      • Kelly

        Good for you Tina! I have to admit I’ve crumbled again but each time things change just that little but for me in that I’m realizing this isn’t where I want to be. I’m not there in my head just yet but I will be strong and I feel like that day is coming very soon. I hope you are staying strong. Sorry for my late reply. I just saw this.

  • Jenna

    Hi! I am just 20 and u got involved with a married guy who was working with me. Until I slept with him, he was the sweetest person to me.. But after that, he started taking me for granted.. He would meet me only to sleep with me..
    After a year long of contemplating, I broke up with him when he gave birth to his daughter. Because the guilt was immense that first his wife, now his child..
    I am strong headed so I moved on.. But two months later he started to threaten me saying that I am only his girl and that he would tell my new boyfriend.. He’s behaving like a complete psychotic.

    I talked to him and cleared out everything that I wasn’t happy with him.. And this is best for all of us.. And he understood.. But last night I saw that he got in touch with my sister. I just don’t know what to do.. What does he want from me? How can I totally forget about him? More than that I’m always scared that if my boyfriend gets to know about this, he might break up with me

  • Clair

    So I saw my married man a few days ago. Told him some concerns I had and said he understood. Well it’s been two days since I’ve talked to him and I’ve texted him both days with no response. Why do I keep doing this to myself? One of my concerns was him ignoring me. Well he’s still doing it. Another was treating me like a one night stand and he’s doing that.

    • Popo

      Thats me as well. Exactly. Would swear its same guy. I said its over- 2 days later we were back together and back to his old self.
      All the things…
      Me always the first to initiate conversation
      Weekend silence
      Scared of starting conversation have to have a topic
      Waiting for morning kisses and text. Disappointment if he doesn’t reply to me.
      Constantly blowing hot and cold. One day there is response the next nothing.
      Unexpected cancellations on appointments
      No Holidays away together
      Disappointed at his holidays away.
      Silence during his holidays away
      Always apologize when things are tense
      Always waiting on him
      Exhausting schemes to keep him. Boy! I am exhausted.
      Always scared of losing him

      All of this… Yet I cant let go. I am completely engulfed by this man. Its like a demon.

      • Clair

        Yes saw him last Tuesday, ignored me Wednesday and Thursday, finally Friday he responded and said I’m so sorry yesterday and Wednesday we’re just not good days for me. But I know if I hadn’t have texted him Friday I would yet to hear from him.

      • Rhea

        Popo,

        My God! This story sounds like mine. When you talked about schemes to keep a married man. I tried so hard to keep my ex-lover interested. I dressed up for this man like never before, bought lingerie, talked about interesting topics, followed politics, etc. In the beginning, he was crazy for me. Would text me and tell me that he can’t stop thinking about me; that my kisses still linger on his mouth; that he couldn’t sleep because I was on his mind. And once he had me hooked, the day after our meetings, he would send me a polite little text -“It was good seeing you yesterday.” And then I wouldn’t hear from him for days. I read and analyzed every word he said to me. We had broken up once before and I schemed to get him back. I reached out to him weeks later to inquire about a surgery. I wanted it to seem as if I wasn’t interested in him, just the info he had. I then sent him an email apologizing for having offended him. A week later, I told him I would in his area and asked him if he wanted to meet for a drink. I did that again a week later, and then he wanted me again. How exhausting. Why should anyone have to do so much work to keep a married man?

        So, this last time when he broke up with me, I told him that I won’t try to convince him to stay. I opened my hand and released him, allowed him to fly away unscathed while my heart bled.

        I am struggling. It’s almost 6 weeks and I constantly have to fight the urge.

      • Popo

        Rhea
        I had to laugh loud at your scheme – and cry at the same time. I did worse things. Pretending and lying that my husband is being abusive so he can protect me. Gosh…. Seriously my husband is an angel. Some of the things and schemes I’ve done are despicable! Like create whatsapps where its like my husband is shouting at me then screenshot to him when its all fake- even once sent a mail from my husband to him saying leave my wife -husband had no clue of course. The things I do now – I look at it and I am like…and I am like -Who am I??? I even let my 4 year old and him cute videos. Really! I have completely gone crazy! Follow politics exactly like you Rhea coz his wife is not very smart -she is a housewife. Then I have interesting topics to discuss with him.
        Whatever you do,don’t fall back please Rhea. I know my day is coming. I keep thinking this is the absolute last time -just need to see him one last time but I know that like an addiction, its a bottomless pit- will never be satisfied. You have done well don’t go back. Have you read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now?

      • Popo

        Rhea… and ladies…
        Whatever you do… please don’t ever go back to this man. I am suffering right now. We were supposed to meet today and he cancelled. I burst into tears… surely it’s all pain, both what you are going through and what I am going through. It’s a different kind of pain-disappointments him going to his wife, cancelling dates vs the pain of missing him…YET can tell now… THE PAIN OF LETTING GO IS BETTER . Do not go back… the problem (married man) cannot also be the solution. I am counting down… I know that my time is coming. I am dreading Easter-he is gon be without me…I keep thinking one last time but this is truly a bottomless pit of addiction…I WILL NEVER EVER BE SATISFIED. Yesterday I asked him and threw a tantrum to say at least send me morning kisses on messages… Guess what yesterday and today, HE SENT…I am still NOT satisfied. I am looking for something even I don’t know what it is. Eckart Tolle calls it the ‘pain body’ ‘ . Happiness is from within. No one can make me happy.
        Rhea….The exhausting schemes to keep him….Oh dear- mine are worse. Lied about my husband being horrible…lies and lies until I started believing them. Even lied that my 4year daughter loves him (no she doesn’t-she doesn’t know him). Meanwhile…. I am married to an angel of a husband.
        I am such a strong girl you guys.This man though…. He has literally broken me to pieces. He seems to always be angry at me-snaps, when I ask where he has been, why he is quiet. He is sooo rude! So spoilt! I am so weak right now it’s pathetic.
        Crying as I type this……

      • Angelina

        Me, and am sure all ladies in this situation can so relate to u! I also started schemin to get him..as if schemes to show m anyday n in all respect better n luvs him more than his wife were not enough, i started seeing my husband as evil and tel my mm how he ill treats & abuses me! He wud only show sympathy, nothing else! Infact i felt hes likin my misery coz that wud satisfy his ego as he wud appear as an angel in my life! So i started scheming to make him feel jealous.. i wud tel him how much my husband luvs me, stories of our weddin, dating & honeymoon, wud deliberately post my pics with husband on social network, so that HE sees them n feels jealous.. infact i wana hav a kid soon so that he feels jealous! I feel my life now revolves arnd making him feel jealous! But after reading all of u, it luks very normal;)

      • Rhea

        Popo,

        So sorry to hear about how devastated you are about him cancelling the date. These men have a horrible hold on us. We become people we don’t recognize. Get a hold of yourself and reclaim your power!!! Take it back from him! You gave him your power and your sense of peace. I am not claiming that this is easy to do. It has been 6 weeks since he ended it with me and not 1 hour passes without me thinking about him. I cried this morning. My heart is heavy and I miss him. When I think about never seeing him again, my heart aches. But it’s getting better. It really is. I have embraced this process. I knew that this was going to be incredibly difficult for me. And it is! There is no lying about that. But keep on moving. One day without him will turn into a week and a week into two months and then you’ll be at a month. Get control over your emotions. You can do it!

  • Sorrow

    I have been following this page for awhile due to the similar situation. I worked with a married man for yrs and became involved. I left my marriage with my daughter because of him but he ended it with me too because he was afraid of his wife finding out. Just the day prior, I told him I loved him and couldn’t handle all the hurt and he told me he would try not to make me feel that. However, the moment my ex husband found out, he turned and left. 2 months later told me that he no longer had any feelings for me…. this all ended a year ago. I can honestly tell you ladies that it was so hard. Working with this married man, looking after a young girl and facing the emotional abuse of my ex. My marriage was long over before I made the decision but it was still hard. I don’t speak to my married man and neither did he. He said he wanted to go back to before and pretend nothing ever happen.. I was broken , went through lotsa of therapies.. still , I m only half way there. I wanted to quit my work but I have a really good job . My heart still aches when I heard his voice down the corridor. I didn’t complain, didn’t get angry.. I just accepted it. I still live in that fantasy, remember those days.. but really, there are lies , theY are fake and hell. Ladies, leave now and be free…the only thing I gained was I m free of my toxic marriage.

    • Rhea

      Sorrow,

      And you’re free of that married man! It’s harder for you because you work with him and you have to constantly see him.

    • Carley

      I am right there with you. I have worked with a married man who pursued me quite hard and confessed his feelings for me once he learned I was going through a divorce. It lasted two months, He decided to leave his wife and I kicked my husband out for good finally. The day after he moved into his apartment he pulled back from me and is now going on a family vacation. I have to work with him and he is my boss. It is torture. Our offices are connected and every time I hear his voice, I want to scream! Now I am mourning the end of my marriage and a bad breakup all while working with this man who is now going on a family vacation 🙁

  • Sandy M

    Hi all, reading through all your positive and encouraging comments enlightens me. If I may share, I’m currently in similar situation as well. I’ve been seeing this married man since 2014. Just yesterday, he told me that life’s been hard, so he went back to his wife. It’s shocking, but, I can’t say much. I rant and rave at him, saying all sorts of negative things. I was and is still bitter at him. He’s insensitive and cold. However, I sent him an email, saying that I’m not going to deal with this anymore. I told him that I’m not thriving anymore in the stagnant environment that only full of lies, pain and unhappiness. He never responded. ( usual for him). Honestly, I’m heartbroken but all your stories gave me strength again to face this degrading situation.

    • Jenna

      It’s gonna be absolutely fine. You will find mental and emotional peace in a while(actually as soon as you want). Married men never care about how you’re feeling.. So let it go.. The sooner the better.

      I’m happy to know that you took the first a