How to Stop Dating a Married Man and Heal Your Heart

You don’t feel right about having an affair with someone else’s husband, but you can’t seem to let him go. These tips on how to stop dating a married man will help heal your broken heart. I also share encouragement from a woman who broke up with a married husband; it hurt her to walk away from him, but it was worth the pain.

This married man feels like to meet the most beautiful, perfect man for you. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted, you belong together…but he is another woman’s husband. He belongs to someone else morally and legally – even though he makes you feel like you’re “the one” for him. And yet, you know that the affair is toxic.

It’s time to reclaim your life and emotions, and learn how to emotionally detach from this relationship. Here, you’ll learn how to stop dating a married man – and even more importantly, you’ll discover ways to let go of someone you love. I also encourage you to read through the comments section below. My readers are discussing how difficult, painful, and destructive it is to keep hanging on to an affair with a married man.

Breaking Free From an Unhealthy Relationship With a Married Man

You need to heal, to set your heart free from the guilt, shame, grief, pain, and heartache. It’s a huge mistake – destructive emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially – to have an affair with another woman’s husband. You know this isn’t real love, and you know the married man won’t leave his wife for you.

Maybe you feel like he’s the only man for you because he told you that you’re the only woman he truly loves. Maybe you can’t get rid of your hope and dream that he’ll leave his marriage for you. Or maybe deep down you secretly enjoy the secrecy and lies, dishonesty and pain of having an affair with a married man.

You are not alone

Here’s what one of my readers said about breaking up with the guy she was having an affair with:

“I became involved with a married man after my divorce,” says Kay on Why Married Men Cheat – and How to Prevent It. “He told me how much he loved me, and thought we were meant to be together. He said he was going to leave his wife, but he never did. I can’t believe how much time and energy I wasted on this man. The lies, deception and constant disappointment of having an affair with a married man was awful. I admit I miss his company and the way he looked at me and the way he touched me. But I realize I need and deserve so much more! Looking back I realize how toxic it was to sit at home on holidays while he was with his family, and only see him when he was available. We never showed affection in public, and we could never spend time with friends as a couple.”

How to Stop Dating a Married Man
How to Break Up With a Married Man

A few years ago, I wrote an article called How to Stop Cheating in a Relationship. I didn’t think anyone would read it because I thought it’d be easy to not cheat! I was wrong. Recently I’ve had some very honest conversations with my friends about dating married men, and I’ve realized that affairs are more common than I realize.

But no matter how common it is to fall in love with and date a married man, it is degrading, dishonest, and disappointing. The affair will never go anywhere, and it’s not true love. True love means you can introduce the man you love to your family and friends. True love isn’t suppressed by secrets and deception. True love does not involve lying and secret meetings, lonely nights and unhappy days.

You know what true love is, and you also know that if the married man really loved you, he’d be with you every night. He’d leave his wife for you instead of lying to you, lying to her, lying to his children, and lying to himself.

Stop lying to yourself, your friends, your family

What lies are you telling yourself? How are you lying to your loved ones? Your guilt and shame will devour you. Yes, you love this married man. You must love him, otherwise you wouldn’t be sleeping with him because you know he’s another woman’s husband. You feel degraded and used. You know it’s a toxic and painful affair – not a real relationship – and yet you keep hanging on. You hate yourself for sleeping with another woman’s husband, and you also tell yourself that you can’t break up with this married man because you love him.

You question yourself: “What if he really is different?” “What if my married man’s excuses are actually valid?” “What if he really is on the road to end his marriage for me?”

But you know the truth: he won’t leave his wife for you. This married man likes having his wife at home and you as an extra perk on the side. He enjoys the feeling of both you and her loving him. He doesn’t respect you or his wife, and you no longer respect yourself. The longer you keep cheating with another woman’s husband, the worse and more degraded you will feel….and the harder it’ll be to break up with this married man and heal your broken heart.

Remember that you won’t always feel so terrible!

After my reader Kay broke up with the married man she was having the affair with, she experienced deep grief and heartache. She was lonely, sad, and broken…and she was free. Now, she urges you to stop cheating with another woman’s husband.

“To anyone who is still involved with a married man, all I can say is end it NOW,” she says. “Yes the pain is terrible. You wonder how you can go on without him. But the sense of freedom and self-respect you’ll feel after the breakup is empowering. You’ll feel better about yourself and your life after ending the affair, and you’ll see the married man differently.”

Learn how to let go of a guy who isn’t good for you

Remember that you are letting go of a man who doesn’t belong to you. He is another woman’s husband; he stood in front of his family and friends and vowed to love her forever. Don’t keep holding on to the affair; it is toxic and destructive. You know it’s time to go, or you wouldn’t be here! Remember that breaking up with a married man will be painful and sad, but it’s better for you in the long run. You’ll need to grieve the end of the affair, but you will be healthier and happier in the long run.

This married man is not free to love you the way you were created to be loved. You’re participating in a destructive affair that is darkening your soul and spirit. It’s not romantic, sexy, or charming to help a married man cheat on his wife. You know this. You’re here because you want to break off the affair.

Expect the breakup to hurt

Breaking up will hurt, but you will find true freedom and authenticity – and you will create a better life for yourself! You’ve been hurt and used. You thought your affair with this man wouldn’t turn out this way. Your heart has been bruised, broken, and maybe even stomped on. It may get worse before it gets better…but it WILL get better.

How to Stop Dating a Married Man and Heal Your Heart
How to Stop Dating a Married Man and Heal Your Heart

Getting over an affair with a married man won’t happen overnight. You’ll grieve the breakup, and you may even regret letting him go. You’ll wish you were back together, and you’ll cry yourself to sleep at night. But, you WILL heal and move on! You will be proud of yourself that you had the courage and dignity to stop dating a married man, and you will start readying yourself for a healthy new relationship. You will stand tall and proud, and you will be happy again.

It takes strength and courage to let go – but you can learn how to get over a married man. Don’t let yourself be drawn into the darkness and hopelessness of an affair.

Cut off all contact with him, for he is another woman’s husband

Don’t accept this married man’s phone calls, text messages, Facebook popups, emails, Facetime prompts, Tweets, blog comments, or notes at work. You’re just setting yourself up to fall back into the affair. Don’t let him lie and cheat his way back into your life. You can’t be friends with him. If you work with him, you need to get another job. This is one of the best tips on how to break up with a married man: cut off all contact and leave him alone.

Decide you will rebuild your life. Focus on healing your spirit and soul, for you are at a low point in your life. Open your heart to the love of God and the healing peace of Jesus. Accept His love and grace, His forgiveness and freedom.

It’s not easy to stop dating a married man, but it’s the only way you’ll find yourself again. You can and will move past this if you accept the grace, love, and forgiveness that only God can offer. After you start to come through the grief, you will be grateful to no longer be trapped in the hell of searching for articles on how to break up with a married man. You will be free to grow stronger and healthier, spiritually and emotionally.

Stay true to yourself, even when he keeps contacting you

You want to end this affair because you know it’s wrong to cheat with another woman’s husband. You know this affair isn’t going anywhere.

Put yourself in your wife’s shoes; how would you feel if your husband was cheating on you? This may not be the most effective tip on how to stop dating a married man, but it may help you find compassion for his wife and strength to leave him.

You aren’t proud of dating a married man, and you know it’s destroying your spirit and soul. At some level, you even know how much you’re contributing to the pain he’s causing his wife and family.

If you want to be a truly joyful and peaceful, you must choose a life of integrity and respect. You must choose relationships that build you – and others – up. Choose life, light, goodness, and truth.

Remember that you’re not in love with the real man

break up with married men
how to break up with a married man

Are you still struggling to break up with your married man? Remember that you’re not in love with the real him. You think you’re in love, but all you see are the bits and pieces he shows you. His wife knows a million times more about him than you do – no matter what he tells you about his marriage.

He’s married, which might add chemistry and excitement to your affair. But he’s not available and he doesn’t really love you. He’s a facade: you know enough about him to give you some insight into his personality and life, but you’re not involved with the real man.

You’re not picking up his dirty clothes, putting down the toilet seat, listening to him snore all night long, wondering where he goes at night and on weekends, or fighting about the credit card charges and mortgage payments. Remember that when you’re dating a married man, you see the ideal and perfect guy. You don’t see who he really is.

Start searching for what’s missing in your life

Why are you involved with him? You’re dating a married man because of something that’s missing and broken inside of you. You feel empty, and you think it’s because you love him…but really it’s because you’re empty without God’s love, compassion, grace, and peace in your spirit.

What is it in you that refuses to let him go, to accept that he’s not free? If you can learn what you’re looking for, you’re one step closer to knowing how to break up with a married man.

If you don’t feel spiritually or emotionally healthy, this is the perfect time to start looking at your own personal growth. You are deeply and unconditionally loved by God, and you were created for a purpose. Your life can be so much more fulfilling and interesting! You can be truly and deeply happy, and you will find a healthy relationship when you learn how to take care of your emotional and spiritual health.

Decide that you deserve better than an affair

Do you believe you’re worthwhile, valuable, and lovable? Do you love yourself? Sometimes learning how to break up with a married man involves a decision. You need to decide that you deserve more out of a relationship, and that a better man is waiting for you. God created you to be a partner for a man who wants to spend his life with you, and who treats you with love and respect.

No matter what he says about his marriage, his wife, and his kids – remember that you’re only getting his perspective. He is telling you whatever he wants to tell you; he wants to make it easy for the affair to continue. He wants you to keep dating him even though he’s married and even though he won’t leave his wife. He’s lying to you.

Breaking up with him will hurt. Learn how to heal after losing a man you love.

letting go of someone you love laurie pawlik she blossoms

In How to Let of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart, I share valuable insights and comfort for women who want to emotionally detach from unhealthy relationships.

It’s an ebook, so it’s immediately available. It’s not specifically about breaking up with a married man or getting over an affair with another woman’s husband, but it will help you move forward in your life.

I also encourage you to read through the comments section below. You’ll see you are not alone in your pain. You’ll read other women’s stories, women who are honest and strong enough to share what it’s like to date and break up with a man who is married. You’ll also see the pain that loving another woman’s husband causes. See the destruction that having an affair causes. Learn how deep the roots of heartache and betrayal go.

Gain insight, healing and help from the insights and experience of other women to help you move on in your own life. Be prepared to face the reality that breaking up with a married man is difficult and painful – but the best thing you could do for yourself. Take a deep breath, and open your heart to God’s healing love, power, and strength.

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1,565 thoughts on “How to Stop Dating a Married Man and Heal Your Heart”

  1. I finally had the courage to walk away from a very manipulative MM. I actually think he’s a covert narcissist. It’s been a little over one month of NC. We have never gone more than a month, he or I would normally reach out to reconnect. I am so very glad he’s decided to stop contact too as I always got sucked back in by his cheery friendly texts.

    BUT ..

    He always had some stalkerish tendencies from the start. I suspect he has been coming around at night and doing some damage to my car. All of a sudden there are pen marks, small to large scratches, and small gauges all around my vehicle. Nothing big like a long, deep key attempt right across one of the doors. I’m sure someone (him) is doing it as I took my car on for maintenance 2 wks ago and they only pointed out some scratches on my bumper, which I remember seeing last year. I have since moved my vehicle to a more open & visible spot.

    No proof it’s him obviously but my gut is saying it’s him.

    What a scary situation! He’s obviously trying to punish me.

  2. Hello
    This is my first time here. I am seeing A MM also
    I just see him 1 time a week. I do Love him yet I’m not sure what’s wrong with me for not valuing myself more to know I deserve more. I never felt like I feel with him
    He has told me it is what it is. He will not leave his
    Wife. At least I give him credit for telling me the truth
    We can talk on the phone because she may find out
    I Respect Us All here. I cry a lot. I know I need to let go
    We break up and he emails me and back I run to him
    It’s very hard. Thanks for listening. I feel very alone
    I could never talk to Family about this. They would not
    Understand

    1. Melanie – Being in this kind of relationship is not ideal. I think we go into it blindly. Not expecting to fall for them. We break up and get back together all the time. I’ve tried to walk away many times and he reaches out to me. It’s their way of controlling the relationship. They let you think you could walk away and then they start texting, calling, reaching out anyway possible to get your attention. I’ve been in this not going anywhere relationship for 14 years and it’s sucks. It won’t get easier with time it only gets harder to walk away. I find this site very helpful. It gives me strength at times. It makes me feel less alone.

    2. Hi Melanie, yes it sux being involved with an MM. how long have you been with him? If u can get out, get out now. I know it’s hard because I am trying to get out also. We are both married and yet we are cheating on our significant others, with each other. We both will not leave our spouses. Are you single, or also married? And how old may I ask? Im in late 30s. I am addicted to my MM and I know it wrong to stay with him but I cannot help it. And u are right, we cannot tell family or friends. So we suffer alone. We cry alone. It is a lonely situation and dark. I want to get out and with out state opening up from this pandemic, I will end it with him and will keep myself busy. Goodluck and please get out…. leave ur MM.

  3. MM says I am too “aloof” and wants to end it!

    What is this man expecting? I have to keep my distance to avoid becoming emotionally involved. Also this is not a normal type of relationship where you both put in equal effort with each other.

    Do any of you ladies get the same expectations from your MM?

  4. Hello, Thank you for this site. I have been doing my own research to try to help with my pain. I found a blog called shatteredbyaffair from the wife’s perspective. It helped me.
    One thing they say is that the OW other woman gets to walk away unscathed, while their lives are destroyed. It might help ease your pain to see how much they are suffering too.

    1. Been there done that

      While, I completely agree that the wife is torn apart and hurt in ways she will never heal from.. so is the other woman. Not only was the entire time I was involved with mm extremely painful. Every minute of it, so was the aftermath. I didn’t get to just “walk away unscathed.” It was a very painful experience that has left me with emotional and mental damage that is permanent. There was nothing easy about it for me. And, in the end he watched me walk away, but with the wife, he stayed and he fought for them. At least she has that. The man I loved, I had to mourn and grieve as though it was a death. I had to figure out how to stop loving him and wanting him. I had to accept all the lies he told.. I was constantly asking myself if I ever meant anything to him at all. I’m 3 years post break up. It was/is the hardest thing I’ve EVER had to go through. She has him. It is the most degrading feeling in the world to be used and hurt. So, no..the other woman does not get to walk away unscathed. Both women are devastated by this man.. if anyone gets to “walk away unscathed” it certainly isn’t the wife or the other woman.

      1. The difference is the OW knew what she was getting into; the wife had this done to her without her knowledge or consent. Wife didn’t ask for this pain and betrayal. OW go into the situation knowing from the start he’s married. My mm swore he was trapped in a loveless, sexless, unhappy marriage of 20 years. No kids, no vast fortune to fight over, but he “couldn’t leave” because she was “frail”.
        Strange how he turned himself inside out trying to get his wife to take him back when he got caught. I’m starting to think he may have been lying to me too. :(

      2. Been there done that, I agree. I’m very sad and short tempered tonight. It has been over a month since I ended it with him. He has not reached out to me in any way to see how I was doing. He didn’t apologize for misleading me…I didn’t know he was married, but I truly felt that God had sent him to me. I had not been so happy in years. That joy I felt each day is gone now, replaced with nothing but my own efforts to get over things. From thinking he was falling in love with me to absolutely nothing is tough. I feel like I have my very best to him…so I don’t have regrets.

      3. BEEN THERE DONE THAT.. I really feel this comment. I understand exactly what you went through and the way you described it, it really is mental anguish and we have nothing to show for it except so much emotional damage to work through.

  5. It’s been close to three years for me. I knew at one year that this was a lost cause. I truly believed what I was told and at that point he did tell me he didn’t think he could follow through with leaving etc, so I ended it and I dated other people but of course on and off I could not stop keeping in touch. Convinced myself this was my best friend, talked on the phone, if I was single we would still get together. It was a cycle I couldn’t break. I want my own family… husband and kids. I feel like a terrible person but I know my heart is so good and I truly was blinded. I have to stick with it being over and I can never go back, no contact, but it’s so hard and I’m truly hurting. If anyone in the same boat wants to talk I could really use a friend who has been through the same thing.

    1. Hi Sarah I’m in the same boat – haven’t seen him since January but my heart is still hurting terribly – we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and love ourselves and keep busy which I know is difficult during this time of self isolation. Sometimes it’s just nice to know you aren’t alone in your heartbreak……. we’re all suffering right along with you. 🤗 Hugs xx

    2. I am 6 years into affair with mm, I feel like I am drowning and I’ve lost sight of who I am. We’ve broken up and got back together so many times, he lies to me, I lie to him. I need help ending this toxic relationship

  6. After 14 years of this affair I can’t keep doing this. I so badly want to end it. But I don’t want to lose our friendship. He says the same thing. I don’t want to lose my best friend. I tell him he need to talk to his wife. She should be your best friend. He says they barely talk. I know this is something we’ve all heard. I know he’s not happy neither is she and neither am I. I’m miserable. I’m just so tired and I’m getting depressed. I cry all the time. Because I can’t bare the thought of losing him but also I can’t bare this situation anymore. I want what I can’t have and I know in my mind and heart he’s never going to leave. He’s told me he can’t do it, he can’t leave his family. Then why the hell can’t I leave, WHY!!! Why me! Why all of us!

    1. Hi. I’m also having an affair with this guy for almost 2 years now. And I feel ashamed in admitting that he is the longest relationship i have ever had. Thing is, we are not even on the emotional level. I mean at least not for him. I think i’m in love with him and i know it’s wrong and i feel guilty all the time. And i want out. I want to. I just dont know how. But everytime he tries to communicate with me, i give in. I’m now sure there is something broken inside me that probably won’t be fixed.

      1. Hi Pink, I hear you and feel you. It feels wrong to be in the affair with a MM but at the same time it feels good, and it’s sooo difficult to walk away from it. I cannot stop mine and I know it aint’ going anywhere and I’m not even wanting for us to be together and live together. But I want is to have access to him all the time, to show him how much I adore and yes love him. He makes me feel happy and great. and I totally know it is wrong but I can’t stop. I can’t walk away. Each time I tried, I failed. For now, I’m continuing it and i’ll see what happens.

    2. Hi Jazmin – I feel the same ! I have actually left the relationship and was NC for a bit and was trying to heal my heart but then he contacted me. It was just friendly talk but I read more into it and got my hopes up – silly me !! I don’t know what is wrong with me that I can’t let this go in my mind – it’s a true addiction. This puts me right back at square one heartbreak all over again …… it seems it’s a vicious cycle. Since I believe this is an addiction I’m treating it as such because it’s literally without exaggeration ruining my life. There’s an app called SoberTool – it’s for people with an addiction to alcohol or drugs or TOXIC BEHAVIOUR……. when they speak of addiction and picking up the first drink …….. I think of it as addiction to a person and meeting up with MM. You can read all the help on there and relate it to your situation as opposed to alcohol or drugs ……. I find all the advice very helpful. Try it – you’ve got nothing to lose. xx

      1. Sabrina4, thanks for the information. I will check it out. In the beginning I wouldn’t allow myself to be one emotional att archery to him but yet last 5 years things have changed. We’re codependent ok one another. I know how stupid right. It’s changed because we go out and do things in public a lot more. I guess that’s what makes it harder because in these moments we forget about our situation and just have fun. Like a normal couple. Then that happiness ends when he leaves. Each and every time my heart hurts my stomach drops. The sadness kicks in. It’s such an emotional roller coaster.

    3. Same here, Jazmine, 14 years on and off. This is crazy.
      I think the worst is the stigma. We can’t go and talk to any friend. Even people who were in the same situation at some point but now in a typical relationship become judgemental as the rest of society. When you break up there is no one there to support your break up because no one knew you were even dating. Breaking up after 14 years is f***ing hard. Yes we have a lot of shit in common, we hung out, sometimes we go without sex for over a month and still hanging out (this is for people who thinks that this is all about sex). Some days I want him to be gone and some days I can’t bare him not being beside me (winter holidays are the worst). Lately I’m just trying to push him out of my heart as a romantic partner, to treat it as a real break up not just mm break up. It is easier because at least there are a lot of literature how to deal with it and of course you guys ❤️
      I hope you find your way

      1. This is such a sad message for me to read. I am this very weekend ending my relationship with a MM. I see how it could have easily gone for 14 years. I have been in it for less than a year. I cannot do this any longer. I believe in order for my heart to heal, and to get into a real relationship, I must let go completely. NO CONTACT. At first I thought I could still be involved slightly. That only made it worse because a part of me didn’t want to really let go. A part of me still doesn’t want to but the relationship is not based on all the good things it should be like loyalty, honesty, love, trust. How can we build Anything without those essentials … and I am dating a man who is married and is not available to love me. The mere fact that he lied to me in the beginning and I didn’t find out for nearly 3 months he was married and I had already fallen for him, lets me know what kind of person he really is. A cheater. Do I want to be with a person who lies and cheats? And how would that play out if we were together as a married couple? I would always be worried about him doing this to me. I am done. I am a loving and wonderful lady. I am professional, attractive, and intelligent. I am not perfect but I have a lot of attributes that are good and being someone’s mistress is not one of those. I am officially walking away from this. Laying it down. and I will not be going back. I am deciding today. I am praying God will help me through this and comfort me and heal my heart as I do love him… or at least I love the him I was hoping he would be. Blessings to you as you heal your heart. Prayers also. R

        1. Renee, I thought we should have NO CONTACT because everything I read said that if you allow contact, he will keep hoping you will go back to him, and I told him that I thought it was better and we would heal better, like a Band-Aid being ripped off. Then Covid hit, and I was worried about him and even his wife, who is disabled with bad lungs, etc. I didn’t contact him, but he contacted me, and we’ve been emailing occasionally to let each other know what’s happening and that we are not sick. I know it’s a bad idea, but he says, “Even divorced people can be friends.” I don’t know what to think. He was SO grateful that I responded, but I don’t want to go back to what we were AT ALL, and I’m afraid he will start hoping that when covid is done I’ll come back to him. Here’s why I won’t: I love not worrying about family finding out. I love not having to tell him where I am and who I’m with (yes, he was controlling that way). I love not having to check every purchase with him (yes, he thought he knew better). I love not having him tell me the way I interact with my grandchildren is not healthy, and that I’m too close to them. (None of his business.) I love not listening to his money woes. (Bad with money, no retirement savings, always spending a lot on things that he doesn’t really need even though he’s going to have ONLY Social Security when he retires. I know, really none of MY business, but I was becoming angry thinking that he was banking on my having money if we ended up together after his wife passes.) There are more things, but I especially love not being pressured for sex. I have NOT been interested since menopause, and for a long time I felt like there was something wrong with me and I should try to be interested, but I’m not. I’m not even interested in meeting anyone new because I can’t offer intimacy, nor do I want to try. Anyway, that’s the long and the short of it. It was a long 20 years.

          1. Stephanie – you’re relationship was 20 yrs with your mm? I’m on 14 and I’m at my wits end. Can’t and don’t want to do it anymore. The pain is to much. I hurt daily..at times I think it’s what I deserve for doing this. For being involved with a mm. I feel like this is my karma. I just wanna to be able to love openly and I know that will never happen with him. We have such a wonderful bond and friendship. We connect on so many levels. I look to the future and I can’t envision us together even though we are so compatible. Maybe cause deep down I know that if he wanted to be with me he would. You would think after all this time he would’ve, right! 14 years just wasted! 😢 I’m sad and disappointed in myself for allowing this to go on. It’s like where do I go from here? How do I let go? I know the truth, I think we all do. But what makes us stay?! They say that can’t leave so why aren’t we just done.

        2. Renee, our situations are almost identical. I discovered at the 6 month mark, when he was locked down (pandemic) and couldn’t text me, as he had done so freely before. That’s when I did some digging and found out he was married. I’m working hard to get over him. I read constantly and write my daily struggles. One month with no contact…and it hurts that he has not tried to contact me. Each day, the relationship dies a little bit..suffocates from no contact. I feel fortunate that things happened the way they did…only because I know I would have been so much more in love after one year, 2 years. 6 months is long and it was wonderful, but I can see, for us, it was the chemical endorphins and excitement that made it feel so great. The fact that his vows meant nothing..and he was so happy with me let me know that if we were a couple in the future, I would be so insecure and jealous of every woman. It’s hard.

        3. You are right, Renee,

          The best resisting is to run as early as possible. I wish I was smarter in my early 20th. I thought it will be a short fling but I got too attached. I wish you luck and strength to let it go ASAP ❤️

          1. I agree … was on and off for nearly 5 years. I was in an unhappy marriage and he gave me the strength to proceed with a divorce although he clearly said do not do this for me.. countless times ended it both myself and mm. I think we could have made it and he.was on the verge of leaving his wife when she found out .. that was not a pleasant time .. yet we still carried on!!!! It is ironic that one of the reasons I divorced my husband was for infidelity and caught him on a couple of occasions as well as found messages so I know how it feels being the wife’s of a cheating mm but honestly I feel that ending this hurt far more than my cheating ex husband or the divorce. I have moved abroad and its tbe best thing I did, no way i can let him come and see me and i have finally ended all communication 4 weeks ago … I’m done … I’m sick of the mind games and manipulation … i am not a puppet. I am going to start fresh .. new country, new job, new life … it takes a long time to.get over them but please do it … it is so not worth it… as I told him .. they are all procrastinating cowards .. good riddance.

          2. Thank you for the encouragement, Cleo ❤️ I feel like moving to a different country too. It will be so much easier to put a stop to this nonsense

      2. J- I’ve told only one of my good friends and a family member. After years of this situation I broke and had to tell someone. I feel horrible lying to my family. All they’ve ever wanted was to see me happy with someone. I’ve been divorced for 17 years and it those 17 years, 14 years have been with my mm. My whole 30’s are gone just like that. With nothing to show. That’s just ridiculous! Like you says these relationship are so much more that sex. We would go months without having sex. We’d go hang out, go fishing, go out to eat. Just hang out. We can just talk for hours. That’s why In those moments everything is so great. We forgot about the reality. Then it’s time for him to leave and it his my like a slap in the face. I as well want to get rid of my pain and I know the only way will be to let go or for him to let me go. It’s not even that I want him to choose me any more or for him to leave his wife. I just hate to lose a lifetime friendship that hurts the most. I’ve been trying lately to not see him or talk to him as much. But that doesn’t work. I guess being friends will never work.

        1. I want to give you a hug 🤗, Jazmin, we all need one more often than we get them ❤️
          I’ve been slowly pushing my mm away non aggressively, but that also takes time. Two years ago something happened and I wanted to leave him. He wouldn’t let me go, started to make plans to leave his family. I never asked him for that. I just wanted it to be over. For the past two years after his “promise” we kind of on and off. Of course “things“ came up and he couldn’t leave his family, but at the same time he would not say that he will never leave them. I told him that I am not even sure I want this.
          It is much harder to leave when a mm won’t let you go. But breaking if a promise set it me on the right pass. I slowly shutting down the the parts of my heart that were filled with passionate love towards my mm. I do feel the difference between now and three years before. In a weird way I feel better during the months when I insist on no contact (except the first week is awful). I don’t feel lonely I feel free. Being with him makes me feel lonely, sometimes the moment he walks out of my home.
          Hopefully we all have enough strength to deal with it ❤️

          1. J – I don’t know why but you saying you wanted to give me a hug made me cry. Probably because I could definitely use one. These relationships that we’re in are so heart breaking and soul crushing. I’m slowly trying to push him away as well. It’s so hard to do though. I want this relationship to end but I hate losing the friendship. I know it sounds stupid but he literally is my best friend. I’ve heard people say your friend wouldn’t put you through this. I get that I really do. I guess I feel if I don’t have him who do I have. No one. I have 2 great kids and 2 awesome girlfriends but it’s not the same. I tell myself, what do you have to show after all this time. Not a damn thing!! Nothing to show and I know nothing will come because he isn’t going to leave. When I insist I’m done we go about a week and I give into his text or calls. I know I should block him but I can’t. I don’t know what holds be back from doing so. I guess I can’t imagine never speaking to him. Losing him completely. I don’t know what’s worse being in this “not going anywhere relationship” or “losing him completely”. I know I deserve better, we all do.

    4. J & jazmin.. and anyone else reading this. If you want to email me it’s sarahsmith68911@gmail.com. Jazmin I can seriously feel your pain, i can see how easily it can turn into 14 years. I feel the exact same as you like with the friendship and how sometimes I forget the situation and it’s my best friend and then he has to leave and it’s just the worst feeling and it makes me wonder why I keep doing this to myself. Why I keep staying with someone who I know has to leave. I want to be able to go on a vacation together or at least wake up and have breakfast and spend an entire weekend doing fun things, and I think about this and it makes me sick because it’s something we all deserve to have but I literally put that need below the fact that I want it to be HIM. I would rather suffer and see him for a few hours then to pick someone else who I can be with indefinitely. I am finally done but only as of recent and it’s been three years I let this go on. I want my own children so that has been a driving force in why I have to stop this no matter how much I miss him. I may have lost my chance to have that happen after wasting three years but I’m still in my thirties so I’m hoping I can get over this addiction and find something healthy and move on. Anyway, if you want to send me an email we can talk more.

    1. I am creating an email to be able to talk to people on this comment thread. If anyone is interested maybe we can help each other not to feel alone in this situation we got ourselves in. It’s really hard for me and talking to people who don’t understand doesn’t help. Anyone who is interested, reply to my comment and we can chat even if it’s anonymously, whatever works.

      1. This is a wonderful idea, Sarah. How do we do it so everyone is safe and is not sharing their personal email on this website.

        1. I made a new gmail. Sarahsmith68911@gmail.com. It’s not my real name. I hate having to do that, it feels weird lol but I didn’t want to have my real info on here. I don’t mind giving this one out because I made it for this purpose.

  7. I haven’t seen or heard from him in like three days. He’s really good at leaving me on read. We were on the phone last week, and he asked me how to not have feelings for someone anymore. We were talking about how much we care about each other. Tonight, I texted him that the best way to get over someone is to stay away, and we should try that. Of course, no response, and there likely will not be.

    I’m not sure what went so wrong or what happened in three days, but I cannot do this anymore. It’s exhausting, and it’s making me feel awful about myself.

  8. MM has been in touch asking why I am being a stranger (?). Like WTF? Didn’t I tell him to buzz off? These men are really deft and think you will still give them the time of day – after all their BS?

    He also said he’s been reading this blog and finds my comments interesting? Beware ladies how much vulnerability you show here on this blog as my ex MM seems to have found it. At least don’t use your real name.

    I didn’t respond to his email at all and don’t intend to. It’s mind boggling how they just saunter in and out of your life like the wind.

    1. I know what you mean … I was with my mm for nearly 5 years … I’ve now move overseas and then 2 days ago he messages me … talking like nothing has changed …. then nothing… it was the same old story … still married, still unhappy with all aspects of life. I’m just so glad that there is an ocean between us … have now blocked him. I’m done… new country, new start, new life … I deserve so much more.

  9. You guys nothing prepared me for how long this will take.
    I was completely with my MM in love and everything for about a year.
    Then we just fought. He discovered his „love“ for his wife again. And that kind of made me crazy.
    He was still nice. He still wanted to call and be friends. And even be close. And I got mad and then just accepted everything. I’d just let it happen. And instead of just getting rid of him, he could do as he pleased. Call. Not call. Be nice. Not be nice. He completely ignored the fact how much he hurt me.
    We fought and were nice for about another year. And I was sick of it all the time.
    Until Christmas when we briefly had sex before and I discovered I was pregnant from him. And lost it a couple weeks later and of course he wouldn’t care. He was home with his wife and „just trying to give his kids a good time“.

    Now that I write that it sound pathetic. But I want to let you guys know how I got better but also how long it takes and the damage that was done.

    I used my anger at that time to just push him away. And it worked. I let go of the thought that this will maybe lure him in again.
    I just completely used my anger to not contact.
    And honestly, now with isolation during the pandemic. It made it even easier.
    And it has been almost 4 months. With little to no contact and he seems to fade.
    The liberating feeling is amazing.
    But also, and I never expected that, the shame kicked in. You start seeing it for what it was. And this feels really shameful.
    Also he still lingers around, as we work together. And he keeps calling about work. Sighs and wants to pick up a conversation. And sometimes I was proud of that. He was still caring after all. In the past i thought if I wouldn’t answer his texts he’d loose interest.
    And I want to warn all of you. Don’t fall for this thought.
    I did and I am now writing with him again. And feeling so bad.
    I felt like I was stronger. But wasn’t. Please please. Don’t fall for this thought. It is just like drinking right the morning after a huge hangover.
    So almost 1,5 years of passively and actively trying to get away. Not even liking him anymore. Here I am trying to please again. A pity

    Also. This whole affair really messed with my perception of love and marriage. I am completely disillusioned about what love is. Did geblieben his wife when they married. I guess so. We’re they in love when they made 2 children? Sure. We’re we in love? Also.
    Happy couples on the street, I cannot watch them. I see what people are capable of. I completely lost my trust in love and above all marriage. I just believe it is the greatest lie.
    Wish you all the best.

    1. Thank you for sharing. You are not alone. Journaling….in notebooks…endless writing of my feelings, past lies, pain, thoughts…anything I feel…I write down. Those are helping me.

  10. I came across this article and it probed me to make that life changing decision. I have been seeing this MM for 5 months now but I finally got the courage to call it quits just after reading this article.

  11. I’ve commented on this site before about educating ourselves on narcissism. I’ll keep it short this time. READ the blog “Knowing the Narcissist” @narcsite.com. HG Tudor is the author. He’s an admitted Narc who writes extensively about how a narcissist gains its victims and how they triangulate us with third parties, as well as so much more. HG’s writings are brutally honest and dark at times. I’m telling you, the mm’s wife is just as much a victim as you are. You’re actually in the better place than her because you can set yourself free. Be grateful for that. Do yourself a favor, read the blog. Once there, go to the “Knowledge Vault” like nearly 19 million other victims have done. I promise, you will never look back at this man, once you truly have your eyes opened. I know I never did. I’m telling you, I wish I had known then what I know now. If I had, I would have stopped the game he was playing with me 5 years earlier – the same day it started. I sincerely wish you the best!

    1. I read the blog the last time you posted. And I agree with you to some point. Some of the men are narcissistic. What really helped me was his podcast. He said you Must Build yourself a ship of logic to navigate the sea of emotions he is trying to keep you in. He gives really good tips and insight.

      But what I found is, that not all men we are dealing with here are like that. And I am not saying mine wasn’t. But I found having compassion had helped me a lot also. And was what I fought this all with also.
      Because after reading that blog, of course I found narcissistic traits in him. And in my mind I made him all that and blamed his personality for all of that.
      But I believe in general it is also on us. And something we are craving that made us fall for them. And we shouldn’t just blame him. But also try to find out what it is within us that made us fall for him

      1. Francis, I’m glad you read the blog, and like you, I definitely do not believe we are innocent, but I do believe, to a degree, we are victims. For the most part, I believe we are all loving, kind, compassionate and empathetic people and we give more than we should. We trust more than we should and we believe in “the one” more than we should. And, more often than not, we get taken advantage of. I found an article on the blog which resonated with me a great deal. I’m not sure if it will be allowed through, but it’s worth the read for a lot of the women (and men) on this site. If it doesn’t go through, the name of the article is, “The Eight Exploitations of Empathy. Honestly, I think anyone who reads the blog will see it in their own way, but when I discovered it, I promised I would share it with anyone who was willing to see things from a different perspective. I promised if I saved just one person from the pain I experienced during and after the affair, it will have been worth it to me to share. As I said previously, it literally saved my life and I now know what not to do to ever get myself in that situation again. I knew better when it started, but hindsight being 20/20, he (my boss) had been grooming me long before I ever realized it was happening. I seriously didn’t see it until I was out. He knew I was vulnerable during a time when the other women (4) in the office were singling me out, so he gradually started treating me like his friend and little by little he came around more often. That, at times, made me really nervous, but I seriously thought I had it all under control. The truth is (again 20/20 hindsight) “he” had the entire situation under control, right down to his wife, who also worked at our place of employment. He had me seeing her in the light he wanted me to and it was easy for him because she’s very aloof, so I believed him. But, now I know why she was aloof. He had been (and probably still is) cheating on her for years before me. My hell, I’d be beyond aloof. By the time I knew I needed to get out, which was within the first 6 months, I was already fully entrapped. I was addicted to the “golden periods” he provided to me and I was believing everything he said regardless of how much things didn’t make sense. Unfortunately, the addiction lasted 5 long years and I’ve been out now for four. It’s amazing how quickly those last 4 years have gone by now that I’m happy and at peace. I sincerely want that for everyone on this site. Anyway, I don’t consider myself innocent in any of what happened, mostly because I allowed it to continue, but I do think my vulnerability was completely taken advantage of, which made me a victim to the man I now regard as “the narcissist”. Anyway, there’s so much more I could get into regarding my own childhood and how those years helped to shape my personal thinking, and how they lead me to make the poor (non-innocent) decisions I did, but I won’t. My point is, I agree with you that there’s two involved and one is not more at fault than the other. In my case, I just think one got more of what they clearly went after and the other (including the wife) got nothing but a deep, dark, isolating hole to dig themselves out of. Anyway, check out the article if you’d like. It, as well as so many other articles, was eye opening for me to say the least. 💘

        https://narcsite.com/2019/07/22/the-eight-exploitations-of-empathy-18/

      2. I absolutely agree. I just ended my 6 year relationship with my MM and i have to admit I was needy and weak. I was not emotionally healthy due to a long term relationship and was a single mother with low self esteem. I was perfect for the picking. But he also was emotionally needy.

        1. Hi Tara – So proud of you ! Since you mention you were weak ….. I can relate – so do you mind if I ask how/where you found the emotional strength to end a 6 yr relationship with MM ? How did you do it ?? Are you afraid you might end up going back ?

          1. Honestly my MM was honest with me. We were friends. It wasn’t supposed to happen. The devil had been trying to make me someone’s mistress and i said no each time but this time i was weak. Coming out Of a horrible relationship and he was so nice to me. I needed him at that time. But i have a son. And he was kind to us both but obviously couldn’t really be there for the important things, like Christmas. But he brought present the days before lol. For the past year my spirit was fighting me. His wife’s routine had changed so his had as well. But this covid Opened my eyes. It really has made it clear i am just a side. No matter how many times he calls me, says he loves me, he isn’t here with me. Yes he comes twice a week when she thinks he’s at work but it’s not meaningful. I feel like we are cheating. Like i am a side piece. It’s very obvious now and i don’t like this. I know God cannot want this for me. I don’t want to envy this lady! And I’m tired of him winning and me suffering and scared to say I’m tried cause I’m too weak to lose him. I’m tired of MAKING DECISIONS FROM WEAKNESS or FEAR. I’m tired of being a punk for his love. Every time i do I’m taking a piece out of me. He ain’t worth it! Before covid i was so caught up with life and raising my son i was living in a fantasy world. Now I’m home and totally realize the man i have been committed to, can’t save me. Can’t protect me. Can’t even answer the damn phone if i needed a ride to the ER for covid. And as much as he may say he loves me he knows it’s true. His wife is a good woman. He is a habitual cheater. My mom says I’m the lucky one. Imagine her pain. Know this. The devil isn’t gonna send us some stank nasty man we wouldn’t look at to distract us. He’s gonna send what we like, minus the MF CHARACTER. He gonna smell good, but us say all the good things and we won’t have crap to show for it later but hurt feelings. I’m reading the book crushing too by TD Jakes and it’s saving me. Let’s connect! Stay encouraged!

          2. Tara – good for you for being strong ! It sounds like your eyes have been opened lately to the harsh truth.
            I’m going to check out that book by TD Jakes as well – thanks !

  12. What a complete moron I am to ever think that something could really come of this nonsense. Off and on for 10 years. I just broke it off again because he’s so inconsistent and unreliable, and frankly, I’m bored of it.

    I do love him, but it’s time to start loving myself more. The biggest issue here is that we work together. I’m not sure what to do to really stay away and not go back this time.

    Does anyone have any advice or ideas on what I should do re: the work situation?

    1. Focus in something else. Find little gaps in your thoughts and hang on to them.
      Don’t except joy from life without him in the beginning. For a fact: expect nothing at all. just focus on one thing only. Slowly moving your thoughts away from him. Learn another language. Do something hard. Pick up a new hobby.
      Distract yourself. And it will take forever but stick to it and at some point this habit of forcefully pushing him out little by little will become a reality.
      You will wake up slowly and he is not there.
      You might miss him. You might start feeling better. Still stick to your training so to say.
      Same for work. When he is in the room, don’t even look his way. Paint a picture in your head to distract you.
      This will feel real stupid and hard but just do it. Little by little he will fade. As you train to be stronger and keep your thoughts where you want them. Be strict with yourself. No daydreaming about him and better times. Ever!
      Good luck

    2. Go back to work. It was a mistake from the jump but if the job is a blessing you don’t let the devil take it from u. Please, he will be uncomfortable too! This is your opportunity to show him how you can rise again! Not hide! Please. Look good EVERYDAY. Smile bright. Fake it until u feel it but don’t quit your job. And believe me, I’ve been there. And I’m so happy i persevered!

      1. Omg I work with my mm. He is my boss. I’ve been trying to end it for 4 days but he won’t stop texting me. Wanting us back, hating me, wanting us back. I’m so over it and I want to quit. It is tearing me apart. I feel like I’m going crazy. He swears he’s leaving his wife of 20 years but even if he eventually does, who knows when. I just can’t take it anymore.

  13. I’m so glad to find this post. I’ve been with my MM for 2 years now. It’s been great or so I thought until I realized he’s been flirting with another woman. This hurt me so much. But it has also made me realize that he’s not good for me. I’ve known within me that it’s been a toxic relationship but I could never let it it go despite trying to break it up once before.
    I haven’t told him it’s over yet. I thought of ghosting him but I’m afraid he may show up at my door. So after reading this article I think I’ll break it up with him in person. I hope I won’t make a fool of myself by crying when I tell him it’s over. The last two weeks have been so painful for me. I feel like I saw it coming (him with another girl) but I still stayed with him thinking that maybe he wouldn’t cheat on me. How stupid to think that. I feel so bad right now for causing his wife pain. Now I have an idea of how she feels and I wouldn’t want that kind of a man in my life. I hope the break up goes well. I plan on doing it this weekend.

  14. Throughout this pandemic I have not reached out to MM at all. I feel great for being strong, finally! I sure thought of him a lot but was able to avoid it despite feeling very lonely at times.

    It helps he didn’t reach out either because it’s finally over, after several years. It’s about time. I think he just got fed up with me breadcrumbing HIM. It was done purposely to him for leading me on. Once he even had the nerve to tell me to my face that he had his eye on another married woman! Wow, that took the cake.

    Anyway, I look back and see how little he gave me. Alot of other MM treat their side chicks much better than mine did. He was so cheap with his money and later on with his time.

    I take full responsibility for sticking around to tolerate this. Figured out I did so because I was used to being given nothing as a child. It felt very familiar. My dad totally ignored me while I was growing up. He was more interested in chasing women around than being a father.

    A very hard but enlightening lesson learned.

    At this point I see a future with an healthy available man, with whom I will insist the relationship grow slowly and getting to know each other.

    I send wishes to all you ladies that you can break free of these unhealthy men!

  15. It’s like I’m reading my own story. Everything he says, everything I feel is just trivialized bc he is married. He says give him a few years, when his youngest is out of high school we will be married. I’m an educated professional YES I know better!! Truly wish I’d never become involved with him at all. It will be difficult but I know after 9 months it’s time to say goodbye.

  16. I cannot believe that I found this place and other women who are experiencing the same types of issues as I am. I’m really hopeful that I can end this for good.

  17. I am grateful to have found this site. MM hooked me in at work. I was new and lonely. It felt so good to have an instant friend. He was always there so it was easy.

    What was a long platonic friendship, turned into after hour meet ups, focused on yes you guessed it, the physical stuff. It was my first affair and I was naive!

    I am single but I have always recalled boyfriends getting to know me at a deeper level, then we get the sex. I knew something felt off with the MM and this was it. They aren’t really interested in your life stuff or even your opinions. In hindsight, it was actually all very superficial. Mostly compliments about my looks or clothes.

    If there is one huge red flag for me in the future, it’s this. For any man, not just married ones. It was mostly about me listening to his stuff – complaints, frustrations, stress, etc.

    Being an empath I was an eager beaver in this regard, trying to help. You get sucked dry and ask yourself- what am I doing this for? It’s an almost relationship (if that) and I have wasted so much of my time. What do I have to show for it? Nothing!

    Near the latter part you get nothing texts that amount to breadcrumbs. Nothing on the holidays but a business like “looking forward to seeing you in the new year”. WTF?

    I have pulled totally away from MM told him to buzz off. I am angry to the hilt. MM seems to want me more now, texting, calling, conveniently running into me. I want nothing more to do with this creep. Found out too he’s had other women besides me. What a jerk.

    Hope I can survive this!

    1. Use your anger. Every time you want to contact him or respond to his reaching out, use your anger to say, “No! This is over!” You don’t owe him anything. I was feeling very bad, thinking about MM worrying about me with the pandemic, but I kept myself from contacting him. He contacted me and wanted to talk, and I said no. Gave him an update how I’m very strict about isolating, etc., telling him to take care of himself and his wife, who is in very poor health and has many lung issues. His response was basically complaining that his business was going under, and I sort of felt like he was thinking the distancing and sheltering in place was all wrecking his business, which is true but I think totally necessary. I was reminded how we don’t think alike about politics, and my annoyance and lack of respect came back. Now I’m trying to turn off the contact between us again. Anyway, my strategy is to focus on everything he did that made me feel angry, everything that made me lose respect for him. That will help keep me from taking up with him again.

      1. Another the Other Woman

        I have been with my MM for almost 5 years. He and his wife are celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary this coming weekend. Every year around this time I tell myself that I want out. I’m tired. I’m so tired. Of always having to be on his time, he ignores my phone calls if he’s with her, he can’t always come see me when I want him here, I only get to come over when she’s out of town. And the list could go on. I’m so disappointed in myself for letting it get this far. Every time I try to break it off, he finds a way to pull me back in. And of course, I get weak and fall back into the same trap. I want out. I do. But I don’t feel as though I’m strong enough to do it. I just hope I can stand my ground this time. I know this is a long post and many of you may not find the time to read through it all but this post and your comments is therapy for me. I don’t know you wonderful, strong women but I feel your pain. I will pray for all of you and the strength to escape this trap of being the other woman. We are beautiful and deserving of a person who loves us and wants to tell the world about us. Hang in there ladies.

      2. I love the idea about using my anger to not go back to him. Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate it so much.
        What a mess dating a married man has made. Wow.

  18. Hi Everyone! How are all you keeping sane? I think of you ladies often. Wondering how you all are getting through not being able to be with the one you love during these hard times we are all going through. For me, it’s been hard knowing he’s spending all his free time with her. I say free time cause he’s working longer shifts now and she’s off work since she works for the school district. I work in the medical field so I’m also working longer hours. He says they barely speak but who knows. He’s there with her and his family and not me. Sometimes I wish I could just shake myself to snap out of this non reality life of mine. I want him gone out of my brain and my heart. I wish I didn’t love him. I don’t know what’s going to have to happen for me to stop talking or seeing him. What I need to find with in myself to walk away. I say I want to stop but it’s so hard. We’ve tried, we’ve both tried not talking and we are never successful . I wish I would’ve ended this when it started 14 years ago. Or when he got married 7 years ago. The longer it goes on the harder it is to walk away. I know I deserve better but then I think, do I really!? My friend told me it’s gonna hurt but that I need to let him go, it’s like mourning a person that isn’t dead. I felt that. She’s always had my back and never a judgment but she always tells me the truth even if it hurts. She’s heard me cry so many times. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of crying. Crying for someone that won’t do everything in their power to be with me. I hope you all are getting along well and are safe during this horrible time we are all going through.

    1. Hi Erika ! I so understand your feelings ! Do you mind if I ask ….you’ve been together 14 years but he’s only been married for 7 …… what was going on for the first 7 years … did you two once date? I’m currently doing pretty well staying away, however I’ve caved on the no contact lately ……. it’s super hard – he was like my best friend and I miss him terribly. What eventually did it for me – I couldn’t stand the emotional pain !!!! I don’t know how people do it ….. I was crying everyday, couldn’t sleep, I was having anxiety attacks, couldn’t focus at work, obsessive thoughts, it was terrible …. it was ruining my life. I’m very sensitive and having strong feelings for someone I can’t have was just crushing my soul. So I decided I needed to stop seeing him – at first just the thought of that made me cry my eyes out. It was SO hard ….. yes it will be hard not gonna lie ….. BUT what I eventually realized is that THIS pain is actually less than THAT pain of constantly longing for an unavailable man. And each hour each day each week – you get a tiny bit better and stronger week by week until you are so freakin’ proud of yourself ….. like omg I’m doing this !!! And the staying away makes him want you even more ….. so when the tables are turned and he starts chasing you and you say NO !! That is THE moment you realize you’ve got your power back ❣️❣️ You just need to make up your mind and say to yourself – ok I’m gonna DO this ….. and accept the fact that it’s gonna hurt and do it anyways. Then you’ll have your power and freedom back and it will feel so glorious to not be at the mercy of a man. Eventually you’ll say F him …… he’s not worth my time !! Get angry if you have to – whatever it takes !! I’ll be thinking of you and rooting for you ….. YOU CAN DO THIS !!!! I haven’t seen my MM since January 8 ….. although we’ve still been in touch by text periodically….. but I vowed again today to go no contact again …..but at least I haven’t seen him – that’s the main thing. Good luck to you my friend – sending virtual hugs and strength your way ❤️❤️❤️

      1. Wow Sabrina,
        so proud of you..everything you mentioned in your post is so true!
        I am feeling the same way –as you did before..I will be 5 yrs with MM–
        I want to leave him but I just can’t because he takes good care of me and
        my parents…but I always think is it worth it? he always makes sure I am
        ok..he calls me all the time texts me face times me,,except at night of course
        he was my BF in junior high and 5 years ago he found and he says he wants to
        take care of me…but I am not sure if i ever want to be with him 24/7…but
        i am beginning to miss a real BF…not a MM. because he takes care of me real
        good I am afraid if i leave him I might not meet someone like him–or maybe I will…

        1. Hi Rosa – when you say he takes care of you – do you mean financially ? Do you love him and do you think he’d ever leave his wife to have a legitimate relationship with you ? 5 years is a long time for you to be in limbo not knowing what to do ……. just think if you don’t break up with him now ….. another 5 years will go by in the blink of an eye and you’ll be in the same boat. I would suggest for your own long term happiness and for your mental health …. end it now. You made out ok in life before him and you’ll find your way in life after him …. YOU CAN DO IT !! we all can ….. we just have to have confidence and faith in our own abilities ❤️ Love yourself enough to give yourself the chance at a future with a single guy who can commit to you legitimately. Good Luck ! xo

      2. Sabrina4, long story short. He was my first boyfriend, my first love. I moved away and in our 20’s we found each other again. I was recently divorced. And he was with his wife they just weren’t married at that time. We have been off and on for 14 years but the last 3-4 years we’ve been more on than off. I tell him on a weekly basis I’m done, I can’t do this!! But like you said you push them away they come at you harder. Like oh crap she’s pulling away. She’s trying to find strength to leave me. I can’t imagine never speaking to him again. We’ve tried just being friends and that never works. We’re all in a lose lose situation. It’s sucks!! I know he’s never going to leave. I know nothing is going to change. I just need to be strong and do it. Damn heart get out of my way. I wish I didn’t have to lose my friend but I know we can’t stay friends. That’s what hurts the most is losing our friendship.
        Sabrina, I appreciate your reply and words. I felt every word. ❤️ Stay strong girl!

    2. Erika. You just told my story. I almost thought I wrote the post. Every time we break up I go through withdrawals and we both give in.
      I am in therapy now to help me make the decision to let him go. And discuss Why I feel like I don’t deserve better.
      I wish you well. Thanks for sharing.

      1. Stephanie, hows therapy going? I’ve thought about going to talk to someone but I’m embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I wrote that and I started crying. I feel like they would judge me and think how awful of me. Probably not but that’s my negative thinking. I tell myself there isn’t anyone out there that could love me after this. How possibly could any love me after this. Then on the other hand I don’t want to love anyone else. I know he’s not mine to love. I also know deep with in myself that he isn’t ever going to leave and that he and I will never be a real couple. I find this forum so helpful and I appreciate all you ladies for telling your stories. Make me feel like I’m not alone.

        1. Therapy is slow going. I just broke up with my MM again. Must be the 20th time on Easter. I too live my MM so much. I.almost feel like I don’t want be without him. But I’m gonna try to stick this out and hope therapy helps. I was embarrased to talk about it too. But I know.i need help so I no holds barred. I just tell it all.
          Know that you are not alone and certainly not crazy for allowing yourself to do what you do.
          I too am grateful for the testimonies. I came on today to read the stories to remind me why I need to stay away from him. Although I love him.
          How do you stay away from somebody your heart desires???
          Beat wishes.

          1. I went to therapy and spilled my guts to my therapist about my whole situation with my MM. it felt great 4 me to get someone’s advice, perspective. Never feel embarrassed I’m sure therapist hear all kinds of crazy stuff. Go to therapy, do whatever you need to do to move past it. It’s like any break up. Its difficult. But it’s a black hole and theres more to ur life than being some man’s doormat.

          2. I wish I knew because I can’t stay away and neither can he. Hopefully one day we all could get to that point where we just can’t take it and be done.

  19. After breaking up with MM – how to deal with the heartbreak ? And how to deal with working with them ? :o(
    Any advice ? xx

    1. Like a real break up.
      I was listening to an audiobook “the wisdom of a broken heart” it seems to be good and kind.
      If the relationship wasn’t bad, you both in love, it can be rally hard. And it is hard to let it go. It will take time and patience. But it is not impossible. The books and blogs aimed at “the other women” seem to be a bit judgemental. There shouldn’t be any guilt. It is no ones fault. Things just happened. People fall in love all over the place, and various responsibilities keep some people undecided. It is hard to be the one making the decision to brake it off, but it is harder to stay. The longer you stay the more isolated from the society you will be, the lonelier you will feel. It is ok to cry, to brake things but the most important is to brake the relationship that doesn’t make you happy all over ❤️

      1. Thanks J …… I agree it’s harder to stay than to break it off. I wouldn’t wish this emotional pain on my worst enemy. Amongst the heartbreak though …… there is a small sense of peace and freedom which I hope gets larger and larger and eventually replaces the heartache completely. I’ll have to check out that audiobook.
        Best to you with your situation as well. xx

        1. I hope it works out for both of us ❤️
          The hardest for me is that I can’t even tell my girlfriends. Once I did, long time ago and was brushed off like it wasn’t even important. Because I definitely was judged. I even considered to ask my mm to get me a psychiatrist to help me deal with this 😂. It is definitely easier if you can talk to someone.

          1. I’m here to chat and offer you support anytime ❤️ If you want to share stories ……. we could exchange email addresses as well. xx

    2. I was in that situation. Luckily we didn’t have a lot of opportunities to see each other in person. But our jobs require email and phone contact. Not gonna lie, its tough. But I thought people do this all the time when they break up and have kids. I can surely get thru seeing or talking to this person. What choice do I have. I even used to think of kinda bs work stuff to talk to him about. Little by little I stopped giving a crap about this person. I started moving on with my life. And I am living life with a man who is all about me. MM is still in his lie of marriage. Good luck to him.

      1. Hi Leslie – you sound like you’ve adapted well and built up a lot of strength. Hopefully I’ll get there soon ….. but going to the washroom to cry was a regular occurrence. Sitting there heartbroken and on the verge of tears but trying to act normal and then having to hear him talking/laughing with other female co-workers ….. it would have been less painful if he had of stabbed me directly in the heart. The hardest part is that we broke up because it was a dead end relationship…….. but my feelings for him are all still there……. I want these damn feelings to vanish ! I don’t know how to purposely get rid of them …… so I just hope they fade with time. I make sure not to look his way and admire him the way I used to ….. that just fuels the thoughts. I try not to look at him at all unless we have to talk about work and even then I try not to look into his beautiful eyes. I HATE that I’m still attracted to him ….. hate it ! He’s really not that big of a deal but I’ve built him up in my fantasies over the last 2 years or more. I’m trying hard to remember the negative things about the relationship……. and I keep telling myself I’m far better off without him in my life which is true. My head knows it – but my heart doesn’t always agree. I’ve been doing fairly well staying away for the last few weeks however he’s still in my thoughts every day several times a day – I hate that too ! Every time I think of him I try to picture a big red stop sign ……. and then try to shift my focus to something more positive. I never want to be in that much emotional pain ever again – I have to be strong and never go back. He was like cocaine to me. My MM is still in his lie of a marriage as well …… if he’s as miserable as he says he is – I don’t know how he lives such a life. Thanks for the response and good luck to you ……. you sound like you’re doing well now ! You go girl ! 😊

        1. I totally understand what ur saying. He was on my mind 24/7. When I was doing dishes or cutting the grass. It was frustrating. Time really does heal all wound. Focus on making urself happy. U will get there.

          1. Wow!!! i wish i can’t do this… I am really in pain and i need someone to talk to right now. I think I’m loosing myself already

          2. I almost feel this is a perfect time to break free. With this covid social distancing, quarantined stuff. Its probably gonn be very difficult for u to see him anyway. Take this time to reflect on what u want 4 urself, find some kind of projects. Something to do with urself. It will take time but u have got to start the process.

    3. Hey, Sabrina. I so understand how you feel and what you are going through. It wasn’t easy for me. For years I prayed, fell back again. Lol Prayed and prayed. Hoping for the feeling to go away. The whole affair was breaking my spirit, soul infact Me. after talking to myself, loads of prayers and of cos staying away from him, Surrounding myself with good people and loving myself through Christ Jesus, I finally Got over him!!! It is the most beautiful thing in my life. No more drama. No more. I love myself. So sister, take out tine to heal, cry if you want to and love yourself and ask the Holy spirit to help you. If you are a Christian. one step at a time.Regards. Stay beautiful. TeeM

      1. Thanks Teem – good for you for staying away – that takes strength for sure ! Believe me I’ve prayed and prayed and I stay away but the thoughts and feelings persist ……. maybe i just don’t want to let him go mentally. I’m not thinking like that on purpose …… but maybe there’s a part of me that just loves him so much ….. I’m clinging to him at least in my mind. It’s a work in progress ….. I do well and then I relapse, but each relapse is further and further apart. Thanks for your comments – stay strong ❣️❣️

  20. Has anyone ever read a blog that’s similar to this one except that it’s women talking about their cheating husbands, finding out about affairs? I’ll try to find the link. If you can find it, READ IT! It was so eye opening the grief, hurt, desperation…and not one of them left their lying, cheating, husbands. The husbands didn’t leave for their mistresses either. It was so eye opening. I’ve been waiting for nearly 3 years for him to leave his wife. Guess what y’all, it ain’t happening. Period.

    1. I’ve never read a blog like that but I can believe they never leave. Think about it, why would they? They have a 2 person household, 2 person income, someone to help with the kids, help with the bills and the wife probably doesn’t care that he is getting sex from someone else because she probably doesn’t care to have sex much. Most women are just happy to say they are married, although unhappily, they are still married. Most men say they cheat for sex and some of them that’s all it is for them. However, emotional cheating men are getting more out of their extramarital affair than sex. I have pushed a mm away for years and he keeps coming back no matter how bad I talk to him or treat him. He sends me money, buys me things, spends weeks with me, holidays, birthdays, sends for me, goes on vacations with me, but will not get a divorce nor leave me alone and has been saying he is divorcing for the last 5 years. I feel its a marriage of convenience. His wife was just promoted to CEO of her company. Do you really think he is divorcing her now? I wouldn’t, when he can still do whatever he wants so some wives are their own problem if they have a clue. If they don’t have a clue then I blame the mm.

  21. Hi Everyone,
    New poster here – Im so glad I’ve found this group as my friends will never be able to relate to/understand my situation.

    The married man I was seeing was all a lie in the beginning – age, relationship status, saying he didn’t have social media, and even lied about the city he lived in.
    About 4-5 months later I finally overheard him say his last name, to which I went home and googled him and BAM , married with a couple of kids, and almost twice my age.
    We met up, I confronted him in person completely expecting this to be the end, but sadly I continued to talk with him. I felt bad that his relationship with his wife wasn’t good anymore, she barely has sex with him etc (I think were all VERY familiar with the excuses) He told me he had bought a condo and moved out (to which she was wanting for him to move back in, so that didn’t last very long). But after 1 year I realized they probably weren’t going to get a divorce. His reasoning being “Because of the kids”.

    We would only talk on an app, which he would delete and re download to speak with me. Everything is always to his convenience, this could never be a real friendship. Over the last few months I found myself very angry whenever thinking about this situation. Especially when he wanted to call me on my number, but blocked his when he called me. This obviously made it pretty clear that this isn’t ever going to be a real friendship, Who blocks their number to call a friend..
    Also in the beginning when he would travel for work he would always ask me to sleep over at this hotel, but within the last year he doesn’t ask anymore, he has become less touchy (I cannot even remember the last time we kissed) and makes me feel almost like a prostitute the way we have sex now.
    After trying to delete the app and thinking I will never talk to him again – I failed and re downloaded a day later.
    But as of yesterday I have completely deleted my app account, so I will not show up in his friends anymore, and all of my account data is non recoverable, so even if I wanted to talk to him I can’t. He never saved my number, we obviously don’t have each other on social media, so there really is no way of him contacting me.
    I know this is what I needed to do as I always felt like shit after seeing/sleeping with him. But I am still hurt obviously, as I really enjoyed talking to him and I know he enjoyed my company as well. But I am tired of being the secret friend.

    So, now I’m stuck with being angry and sad and all of the emotions, and going back to my original thoughts of telling the wife (which is how I felt when I first found out about his secret life, but everyone I asked told me I shouldn’t)
    I really don’t want to get involved with the wife but I can’t help thinking she is sleeping beside a man she does not even know every night. I know I would want to know if I were her – but its also very much my fault for continuing this relationship too and maybe its too late to get in contact with her & not worth it?

    1. Move on. Being happy is the best revenge. Right now u are upset and want to get back at him. Trust I’ve been in ur shoes which is why I’m on this blog. U want to destroy him bc he destroyed u. It’s not ur place to tell his wife. It’s his. Which he never will bc he is a coward. Feel sorry 4 his wife. Bc I can tell you she has her suspicions. If u know someone good enough u know. Let him portray his fairytale life.if u truly love someone u dont cheat on them. And now he can continue to live in a loveless marriage along with the shitty secret of being a cheater. Move on. I did. Its going on 3 yrs and when I read these posts I feel like omg I cant believe this was me. There are so many people in the world and that special man is waiting for u. I found my guy, and he is all mine. He is trust worthy and we are have the time of our lives. So move on girl. Happiness is waiting for you

        1. Anonymous38 and every lady struggling. I want to drive home the fact there is light at the end of the tunnel. When I met my MM I was fresh off of a divorce. A marriage of 25 yr that ended bc of my ex drug addiction to medication. I feel this 1 1/2 yr relationship with the MM proved to be just as painful to end 4 me. Which is nuts. Maybe left over emotion from my marriage. The point is I felt head over heels for MM. he wanted to continue the relationship even though his wife was pregnant with their 1st child. I ended it. I was destroyed. I thought about him every minute of every day. Trust it gets better as days go on. U have to force urself to move on and be strong and then eventually u honestly dont care anymore. I work at that same place. While we dont really ever run into each other . We have had to communicate via email or phone bc of our job relationship. It’s very hard. But all u ladies can do it. Dont let anyone take ur life away. Live it to ur fullest bc tomorrow is never promised.

          1. Thanks LL ….. I too work with MM …… we’ve ended things a few weeks ago but it’s still incredibly difficult to pretend everything’s fine when it’s not. I’ve been looking for a new job – but no luck. I still have feelings for him but try to stuff them away …… and then cry in the car all the way home. How did you ever get to a place of such strength? xx

    2. Hi. I am not an expert. I feel that I am fortunate that I didn’t know the man I was with was married until the pandemic. Then…texting practically stopped. I knew something wasn’t right. I dug a little and found out. I broke it off, but my feelings are still strong. I write in journals (notebooks) all during the day, as I feel the need. My feelings, lies he told, great love I feel or felt. Indecision as to whether to try to reconnect…., but after all I have read, the girlfriend/mistress has so much sadness in her life. Easter..it was so dark outside and I was alone…pandemic. He was with his family. That was a big eye opener to me. What I would have in the future. I say…and I am not judging because I have had feelings of hate, envy and jealousy toward his wife. I don’t have feelings of caring toward her, although I try to convince myself that I am a good person and do.
      To me…the thought of contacting the wife is coming from our anger and pain. It is not caring about her. I don’t wish to contact her. It is up to you, but I say if you can focus on yourself…your own pain and healing and not blow things up. Sometimes people physically hurt others or even kill them in those situations. I do pray for all of us on this board.

  22. I need to vent.. Today is my mm’s wedding anniversary. Every year he posts pictures of his wife and “I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I love you” blah blah blah. He gets many comments “best couple” “you guys are meant to be” from his family and friends. We’re not friends on social media but I still can see it and it completely destroyed me and I couldn’t even sleep at all when I saw it first time.

    He was on vacation with family last weekends and came back in the city but still on leave so I think he goes out with his wife a whole day, buys her a gift, go to dinner at fancy place and will post their picture with lovely message again. I blocked him and his wife to not see the post, to protect myself, to make my emotions stable and not to get hurt again and again. But I feel the urge to unblock him to see the post. Not only wedding anniversary, but Valentine’s Day is around the corner too. He gives her roses boutique every year while I’ve never got it from him. February has been very tough for me.

    I know he still loves his wife while having an affair with me. It hurts me a lot. He still comes to see me. He still says he loves me but I feel he just wants nothing but my body. I want to go to vacation with him, celebrate something together and get flower boutique. His wife gets everything I want. He says it’s difficult for him to plan trip with me, make time for me and it makes me miserable.

    We don’t text or call much like we used to. It’s been 4 days since we talked last time and I’m sure he doesn’t reach out to me today, tomorrow, until when? no idea. We had a fight before he went vacation. I was mad at him that he doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t understand how painful for me to stay alone on his wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day. He doesn’t know how much I’ve been putting up with. I do know that It’s ugly feeling that I’m jealous of his wife so much, but I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I feel I’m nothing to him. I try to focus on myself, live for myself, try to not think about him. Even though I know we don’t have a future, I love him, I wanna see him but I’m tired of being like this

    1. Girl, stop it. Do it. Do it right now. Look at your situation. Read again what you wrote. No one deserves to be treated like that. Ever. You’d rather live with no one to love but free! Free of negative emotions like that. Being drained by all the desperation. With your mind only having that thought. What are they doing. Why isn’t he with me.
      I’ve been there and I can’t say it is easy. It is the hardest thing I ever did and I am by no means free. You need to find a reason to stop it.
      May it be to become free. Just feeling nothing is better than this. And you know that.
      Even if he makes you feel better at one point it will never be better in real life. Even if he left his wife and lived with you. You would live with someone who cheated on his wife and still posted lovely pictures and always worry. Will he do it to you, too?

      This is ridiculous. See him for what he is. Get some distance. Get angry. Then go from day to day. Find your worth. You have so much to give to the world. But this is taking up so much of you. Break free.

      1. Francis, I agree with your post even if it was directed to me. I want to feel angry but then I let the loneliness take over. I want to break free from this grip he has on me. I feel myself getting to that point where I could let him go. I don’t have anymore to give him. He has every bit of me. I have to find myself.

    2. Leah, my suggestion would be to read the blog, “Knowing the Narcissist” at narcsite.com. I was once with a married man for 5 years. I would read all sorts of sites to get answers, but nothing anyone ever said resonated with me. I found every excuse in the book to tell myself, “not my man”, “he’s not like these other married men I’m reading about”, “he’s different, he’s my soulmate, he loves me”. NO THEY DON’T! I was in major denial! Then, one day he stopped communicating with me (silent treatment) with no warning and no closure (still to this day, 4 years later). I was completely devastated! I, honestly wanted to die because my soul was sucked dry. Listen, the author of the blog is an admitted Narc and his site has over 18 million hits, which should speak volumes. His writings are brilliant, sometimes dark, and brutally honest, which is exactly what you need right now. He knows exactly what you’re dealing with and what you’re going through. The question is, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW? I never, in a million years, would’ve believed “the” (refuse to call him “mine”) mm in my life was a narcissist, but that’s exactly what he is and HG Tudor is the one person who literally saved my life. He taught me more about myself (being an Empath, which attracts narcissists) and why I became entrapped with a mm in the first place. Please give the blog a chance so you can save yourself. If there is one thing I wish I would’ve done, it would’ve been to cut that creep out of my life before he did it to me. Thankfully, the one thing I’m grateful for, is that I never tried to find out why he quit communicating with me. My attitude at that time (after so many years of lies and future faking) was that two can play at this game, and I’ve never heard from him since. Thank God! I won’t lie, it was hard for a long time, even now I still think of him, but the emotional attachment is gone. Be good to yourself because he won’t be, and be patient with yourself too. I promise, if you educate yourself with the blog, you will have a life again. One last thing, no matter what he’s told you about his wife, she is not the problem. She’s just as much of a victim as you are, so get away from him because he will never change, not even for you. Leah, I could go on and on, but I’m hoping this will be enough for you to at least consider the possibility of being entrapped by a narcissist. I sincerely wish you the very best and I pray you will read my words and take them to heart.

      If you choose to read it, read the “About” section first so you can understand why he started the blog. Also read the testimonials. Give yourself the chance to read at least 5-7 articles before giving up. If you tend to attract the wrong type of people, or they seem to be everywhere in your life, HG Tudor will tell you exactly why, and what, you need to do to stop the cycle.

      He offers audio ($150 hr) or email ($40+) consultations, which I guarantee will save you thousands in therapy costs. He also has (voice only) YouTube videos and inexpensive books on amazon. If you get his books, start with the following:

      Sitting Target – how and why the Narcissist chooses you

      Fuel

      Manipulated

      No Contact

      🙏😌💕

    3. This is exactly my story too. I am trying to break free and I don’t know how to do it. It’s crazy how I love someone else’s man when another is constantly begging for my attention. The MM has ruined my life completely and I feel terrible Yet it’s hard to let go. He is caring and sex with him feels great. I need help ASAP because I’ve been having sleepless nights these past days especially during this global pandemic where everything is at a stand still. We no more got to meet except call when he wants to see me or text whenever he feels like reaching out. I don’t want to continue this way,I need a way out. Please help

      1. Hi Bella. Boy do I know your story all to well. My affair was 7 yrs off and on and a 1 yr ago he just up and ghosted me nothing ! It’s very hard getting over him and when I finally did reach out to him he was very indifferent towards and I could tell it was truly over and he told me he didn’t think he owed me anything because he felted we had nothing real anyway I was brokenhearted and felt stupid and used honestly speaking. Anyway rumor were around he was with other women before and probably after as well now I really felt stupid then ! But as time went on without him not caring or calling anymore I started really seeing his true colors and real man behind the smile and lies all those yrs . I not the type of women that like seeing married men nor a Homewreaker ! As time goes on without your married man in your life you will start to see his true colors too and realize what you think you have with him you don’t but if you are still sleeping with him it’s going to be harder to let him go because we create a bond with these men and mistake it for love when really it’s just lust and it’s powerful too I know. My best advice is to try and go No Contact and that’s hard to do I was forced to go N/C or NO SEX PERIOD !! And delete all his contact information if it helps I did that .And stay busy ignore his calls and texts that will let him know you got a life and unavailable to him .I wish you all the best moving forward !! You got this …

  23. i read all of the word on this website telling how a women to stop dating a married man. i really don’t know what to do, i still in love with this guy since youth group. In youth group, we were always together. He older then me but he really love me but when we gotten older he got marry. i still see him in my dream, i try not to dream about him or think about him. Because he marry, what should i do? What do you do when he keep on looking at you in church. Even when he is with his wife and he look back at you. i feel so confuse, i don’t know how to handle this situation.

    1. Hi Tina. All these married man are wonderful in the beginning stages when they try and wheel you in but the relationship as time go on will take it’s toll on him and you .Do know he will never leave his wife .You will always come last in his life it will be lonely nights and lots of crying and feeling bad every time he leaves you. You will start to feel used and feeling a shamed of yourself for allowing yourself to settle for a married man. You will want more time with him and reassurance in your relationship with him.You will start to doubt yourself and him as well. He will start to a slow fade out your life every time he gets ready too and you will get tired of his S?!t ! And try to figure out a way to go No Contact before he finally leaves you alone . Don’t go down this path of dealing with a married man it’s joy ride that ends in Heartache and sadness there is no Happy Endings Never !!! I was with a married man for 8 years now I’m out 14 months out my affair but the Heartache is still there . Find you someone who Is single and can give you the relationship you want and deserve and will put you first always.These relationship with these married men are a fantasy world .

    2. I recently ended a 2.5 yr affair with a mm. From the beginning he was telling me how unhappy he was, kids are grown, nothing holding him in his marriage and divorce was in the works. But, still I was 2nd string. I could see selfies they’d take together on her FB page. The worst part about them, he was snapping the picture and the smiles of bliss happiness crushed my heart. I just couldn’t take it any longer so I told him to stop contacting me. If he contacts me, I will send his wife all the cute selfies WE took together. Just since Nov 9th, he’s contacted me 7 times. I’ve not responded once. I’m trying to stay strong. I’m very angry and hurt by him. The weird thing is, I’m very angry with his wife. I think she knows about me, I think she gets him to take the selfie and posts it bc she knows about me. I think she begs and cries and begs some more not to divorce. She’s lazy, won’t work, he’s provided for everything, even cleaning and cooking. She’s a fat, ugly pig and I can’t even imagine why he’d stay with her. She makes it seem like they have the perfect marriage on Facebook. I’d love to just tell her to stop humiliating herself since her perfect hubby has been cheating on her for 2.5 years. I’d love for him to get caught. If I’m in so much pain, why do they get to live happily ever after in their picture perfect world. Sometimes the ugly part of me wants them both to hurt as much as I do. Anyone else felt this way?

      1. If it wasn’t for the fact that the kids are grown in your situation, I’d almost think we were having an affair with the same man 😂 People who have the worst relationships are the ones trying to make it look perfect online most of the time. Don’t hate his wife. I highly doubt she knows about you. Especially not just from her posting selfies with him. You have to remember that they probably were in love once. Even if it was years ago. It’s hard to leave somebody you’ve been with forever. Also, you need to remember that most of what he tells you about her is likely lies or exaggerations. If cheaters made their spouses out to be this amazing person then the person they’re cheating on them with would wonder why they’re cheating. By making you think their spouse is this horrible, selfish being who never has sex with them, never cooks, never cleans, then you feel sorry for them. It makes you more likely and willing to try and make up for their spouse’s “flaws”.

      2. Hey,
        I had the same feelings. I wanted them to suffer the same way and I did things and became a bitter person.
        I was at my peak when I was pregnant from him, and then loosing the child on Christmas Eve , not being able to tell anyone. While he was with his family.
        I was at my lowest then. And like a wounded animal I lashed out, everytime he contacted me. I was bitchy and said the meanest things. I almost drove to his place wanting to just crash everything. I luckily didn’t.
        This was a breaking point for me. I looked at myself and couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I didn’t like the person I became.
        It is easy to blame someone else. And the hate just keeps us hanging on to them.

        Ever since then I try to focus solely on who i want and don’t want to be.
        I build myself a vessel of a future for myself and pure logic. I build it stronger everyday to circumnavigate this sea of messed up feelings and perceptions I got myself into.
        I used to be so independent and smart. I don’t know how this could have happened. I just wish I could tell every woman that it isn’t like it feels neither that good in the beginning. Nor that bad in the end.
        It comes down to you and how you want to live with yourself really.
        It is the toughest thing I have ever done and I will be a different person when I got through this. I hope I will be stronger. So strong I can believe in love again.

  24. I need strength to do this. This is a 20-year affair, and I feel dead inside. I am not attracted to this man anymore and I’m not interested in being physically intimate, but we still are because he expects it. His wife is disabled and he won’t leave her, and at this point I would never want to be married to him anyway. We have different values and interests now. My husband died two years ago, and thankfully he never knew. The mm says I’m his best friend and he doesn’t know what he would do without me. I think the biggest reason I stay is force of habit and worrying about him and his reaction if I break it off. Now that I write this, it seems ridiculous, but I need help knowing what to say. I’m really tired of living a double life and having this secret.

    1. You are lucky you don’t want him anymore! I envy you! I want that too! Runnnnn! Find a life you want! You don’t owe him anything…wish I was there :( have wasted all of my 50’s ..6 years of it and he still lies to me and is home with his wife right now!

    2. Stephanie, wow 20 years is a long time. I’m at 14 years and have been trying so hard lately to let him go. But like your mm, he says I’m his best friend and that he has no one with out me. I tell him you have your wife talk to her. I know it’s a guilt trip. I know I need to move on but I can’t. Have you successfully been able to let him go? I only last a few days or a week with no contract then we go back like everything is okay. And it’s not. I’m miserable. Being in this relationship and this situation sucks.

      1. It was really weird but a few weeks after I posted, I met with my MM and he said, “Should we take a break?” and this opened up a whole discussion where I shared that I was tired of the whole thing, tired of living a double life, tired of never being able to be together in public, etc. This progressed to my saying we should end it. I said, “Do you see us in the same situation when we’re 80? Are we just waiting for someone to die?” He basically said yes. He was waiting for his wife to die and then we could be together. I told him I didn’t want to be stuck anymore. He wanted to stay friends, and thanks to this blog, I could tell him that never works. I said let’s just make a clean break, like ripping off a Band-Aid. He was SO sad when he left, and I felt very bad. For days I constantly felt like I was going to throw up. We exchanged one email after that, where he said we had pledged “always and forever” to each other, and I would never find anyone who cared for me as much as he did. I responded that we weren’t free to make that pledge, we belonged to other people, and we needed to get our self-respect back. I said maybe with me out of the picture, he could work on his relationship with his wife. After that, I have stopped myself from checking that email. I feel very sad for him but so free.

        1. Stephanie,
          I’m pretty much getting to that point where I am done done!! And he knows it. I pull away away he comes at me full force, trying harder to pull me back in again. It’s very hard for me to let him go. He was my first boyfriend when we were 12 years old. He was my first everything. First love, first heartbreak. I have really good friends but he is my best friend. We talk/text daily. The last two weeks we’ve tried refraining from taking, texting or even seeing each other and its has been so hard. My heart is in pieces. He’s wants to stay friends but I know it won’t work. I know cutting off all communication is the only way. I just wish it didn’t have to end like this. But I know he’s never leaving her. I told him the same thing talk to your wife. Try working it out. Something is missing. I know it can’t be just the kids, money and house keeping him there. They have history and a life together. I can’t come between that. I feel awful as a women and mother to do this to another women. I truly hate myself for my part in this.

          1. Erika, I too feel terrible about it and terrible about myself, allowing it to go on for so long. I told him I take full responsibility for the affair starting those many years ago, but the length of the affair is no reason to keep going when you want to end it. That’s what I kept telling myself. I feel very guilty about ending it, but I knew it was the right thing to do and long overdue. I told him our relationship was suffering and stagnating because of never being able to be out in public, never being able to do anything new together, not being able to really share our lives. I said in a normal relationship we would get couples counseling, but in this situation, that was impossible, of course. I said we needed to get our self-respect back.

  25. I ended my relationship with the mm a mth back and am staying strong as not to turn back. I spent 8 months without knowing he was married, and another 1 year knowing he was married. Until now I don’t know why I stayed on after he shared with me that he was married with a kid too. I really need to spend sometime introspecting my own thoughts. Before I met him, I was single for almost 9 years and that could have been a trigger I believe. He came along, strong and pursued me and I didn’t pay attention to any red flags I saw along the way. He lived separated from his wife and kid as they had their fair share of misunderstandings as what he says.. But anyway the whole point is, if his married life is so sucky, he would have left his marriage and work on his divorce. He didn’t. Even as I broke up and stay without talking to him this past 1 mth, if I had mattered to him, he would have contacted me. He didn’t. So obviously my presence never mattered to him at all. All my lady friends here, please wake up. Watch his actions and not his words. I still cry too.. at work, in the train, gym, home, just randomly. I miss him too honestly. But I really also don’t want to be with a man who does not value me. Let us all get this thru together. Let us all forgive ourselves in this process too.

    1. Hadn’t read any new comments in a few months. Kinda forgot I commented on this. Still madly in love with my mm. No physical contact between us in about half a year though. Mostly. No kissing or anything. I’m still hoping one day I can fall in love with somebody else… who’s not married of course lol

    2. I went through the same exact thing and he told me 7 months after being with him and its been 1 year of me knowing he married well to an abusive women that was scratching his face and he no angel but it made me feel better to stick around . They have no kids thank God . But just yesterday he was defending his friend and put me down by telling me that at least his friend never called me a homewrecker ! Wow what an eye opener this was because this is what he think of me . So i am hoping i never hear from him again as you know this is a toxic relationship . He and I did move out together and financially could not do it alone so he moved back with his wife . What a smack in the face that was . I just hope that moving forward I don’t grow to hate men for being so deceitful .

    3. Hello,

      I am just separating from my mm. I am so deeply hurt, alone and angry. The last I heard from him he agreed to call me back… he never did! It has been 3 days and I am going crazy. I really did not see this coming. I knew that I was in a going nowhere relationship but to totally disappear just hurts! I need to get him out of my system so that I can be myself again. Does anyone have any advice as to how to make this process less painful?

      1. Learned the hard way

        Hello Andrea,
        I wish I could tell you that you’re gonna feel better in a week. That’s not the case. I was with mine for over 2 years. We broke up 2 and a half years ago. It took me many months to get him out of my system. It was very painful. You will go through many stages of grief. This is like the loss of anyone you love. But, you will heal. Push forward and keep reminding yourself of the bad parts of the relationship. See, I didn’t do that at first. At first I missed him so badly that I kept thinking of all the good things. I didn’t think of the many many bad things that outweighed the good. I promise you, time will heal. Trust me, I thought I’d never be ok. When I talked to others that were in my shoes, I didn’t believe them when they told me I’d be ok. I am. They were right. It’s a hard battle to get there though. Don’t give up. Keep pushing forward.

    4. I’m glad you were able to find the strength to pull yourself away. I have been there and done that and now looking back, all I can say is that I was at a vulnerable point in my life so I believed all the lies my mm told me. I want to first say that at the end of it all I realized the situation we put ourselves into with these men is not love at all, but more like an addiction. An addiction like a drug. Everything that makes us feels so good and then the complete opposite such as devastation, sadness, unloved etc. is not love and we need to face the reality of that. I honestly believe it is the devil attacking us when we are at that point. Once I let go of my mm and yes it has been a process, I could not be any happier. In fact, once I let my mm go, I found the true love of my life. He is the complete opposite of what that mm ever was. This love is steady, balanced, and stable and it is more calm. Nothing that I had experienced with my mm. I actually feel beyond blessed and lucky that God blessed me with a man of morals and character because any man who can be married and live those type of lies speaks for itself on what type of man he is. I look back and I think wow! Thank God he was watching over me and knew I deserved more than that and protected me against this mm. I actually broke down and told my now fiance everything and he just listened without judgement and taught me that type of person who could do just a thing is not a man at all. Let me tell you, time heals all and I promise every day that passes it will get easier. I work with my mm and let me tell you I was able to let it go and so can every one of you ladies as you deserve more than what any of these mm can ever provide to you.

    5. Hi,
      I am in a similar situation. I was involved with a MM for 3 years (some of that time I had a live in bf) The bf and I broke up (not entirely to do with mm) and yet mm drug his feet about leaving. In Oct, I broke up with him after hearing numerous promises that never came true. He then “woke” up an found an apartment to rent. You would think all would be great right? Well not so fast, now kids (teen girls) hate him and wife wants to work on things. He moved out selling it as a “break” She didn’t know about affair. I noticed him pulling away then became this needy clingy person that I wasn’t. I hated what he turned me into. We finally had a talk last night and I agreed to cool things off – I need to change my mindset & slowly accept that he & I might not work out in the end. I feel at peace right now with the choice. I am not ready right now for NC even though I know that is best. It might be naïve of me but I am doing the slow fade away – He knows how I feel & said he needs his space to process all of his feelings. I am going to use this time to really work on myself & figure out why I got sucked into this situation in the 1st place. I have been doing tons of reading & just wish my eyes were opened sooner. No more texting and being his rescuer – he needs to man up and work on himself too. I am under no illusion that we will be together at the end. I am doing my best to list all the negative things about him so I can stop loving him so much even though my head knows – the heart is stronger right now & cant wait for it ti flip flop.

    6. Thank you. I am one month with no contact. I was 5 months didn’t know he was married and am trying hard…not to continue, now that I know. I cry and miss him, but I can see what the future would be, from all the shared experiences here. He has not tried to contact me…see how I am, fight for me…and that hurts. It’s helping me to kill the feelings of love. So sad.

  26. I want to thank all you ladies for sharing your stories and experiences. It provided a slap to the face that I needed to snap back into reality and know my worth. I broke up with my mm 2 days ago and have been so devastated. I’m in this back and forth inner battle of how much I love him but also feel so used. We’ve been together over a year and it’s the same story of how unhappy he is with his wife and he’s only staying for the kids and that I’m the true love of his life blah blah blah. However, I have realized that if someone was truly that unhappy, they would actually make a change. These mm just want their cake and eat it too. I know it’s cliche and corny, but seriously… LADIES, WE DESERVE SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO GIVE US THEIR UNDIVIDED LOVE AND ATTENTION! This is still so hurtful and difficult to get over, but I know I deserve better!

    1. This is SO true and I agree with you ladies 100% I’ve been on and off with my mm for 7 years (Saying that out loud makes me sick) and it has been the most tumultuous roller coaster ride. It’s not thrilling, it’s devastating. We’re in the midst of breaking up for good and I’ve never felt so sad in my life. Being “together” makes me constantly anxious, wondering what he’s doing, we fight all the time. It’s crazy. But I’m MISERABLE without him. Just this week I had to deal with him being with his wife and kids for Christmas and his lies about what he’s really doing all week and here I am all alone. We aren’t speaking right now. Ending this is the hardest thing I’ll ever do because I do love him so much and I’ve had SUCH a hard time cutting the cord and letting go. I really don’t know how I’m going to do it. And I will forever feel like he chose his wife and kids over me – which is just the worst feeling ever. I will say, I do think these mm care about us, but they want the best of both worlds. I still don’t understand if they are happy in their marriages. I like to think no, but there must be something holding them together? Kids? Money? Convenience? It can’t be true love, why would he be with me for 7 years?! I wish I had the answers, it would probably be easier to move forward. We all DO deserve better. I feel you ladies, this is some heavy and hurtful stuff but it shows me that I’m not alone. And I’m crying right there with you! We’ll get through it (at least I hope I will!)

      1. Elle I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for any woman who goes through this because the reality is these men lie and they lie to their wives. Like us, their wives believe them too. I don’t think these men love anyone that much if at all. They didn’t choose their wives because they love them more. They choose the path that is most easy and comfortable. If they can string you along too that is fine because they are meeting their needs. Try to step outside of your relationship and read your post as if someone else wrote it. You would tell that woman she is better than that man and she needs to dump him. Feel sorry for his wife. She did not snag a winner. She is with a man who would step out on her for 7 years. And she was likely clueless as he lied so well. The reality is you can’t love people truly and treat them like that. Is that the man you want? Why? Put yourself in his wife’s shoes. How awful. She picked the wrong man and is now tied to him. We know who these men really are and it is not good. People are not all bad and not all good but their flaws are deal breakers. So many people divorce if they are not happy in their marriage. After so many years there really are no legitimate excuses. I’m not being critical of you as I’m in the same boat. I’m struggling and I don’t know why the heck ending this is so damn hard. It is absurd really. But you have to step aside from it. Remember who you are independent of him. Are you more unhappy than happy? I am. I am suspicious of everything he says now. It makes me miserable. It’s been about 8 years for me. I’m single and have really no reason at all to stay in this. But so far I have. When will it end? I just don’t know. But don’t delude yourself into thinking that someone else “won”. A lieing cheating husband who has deceived his wife for almost a decade is every woman’s nightmare. You are the winner, I think, if you can leave. You deserve SO much more. I’m struggling with you.

        1. Learned the hard way

          Ladies, it wasn’t that long ago that I was in all your shoes. I was seeing a married man for about 2 and a half years. Every single word “Finding my way” said is true. 100% true. We broke up 2 and a half years ago. It was excruciating pain, both mentally and physically. He hurt me so bad. And I admit, he did irreparable damage. In so many ways I will never be the same. That’s what lies does to a person. You were so right when you said, the wife is the real loser in all of this. Although, I know how it feels to feel like she was chosen over you.. for a very long time I felt less than. Less than human. Like I wasn’t good enough. To the point it changed me entire personality. It took months and months for me to be ok. I went through many months of anger, depression, anxiety attacks and insomnia. It was a pain like no other. But, it got better. Slowly I began to stop seeing only the good parts of my relationship with my ex and I started seeing what was really happening. I was so in love with my ex that I turned myself inside out to make him happy. He didn’t have to chance a thing. His life stayed just as it was. They still slept in the same bed.. had sex… kissed… went away on trips… grocery shopping.. date nights and all of that.. while I sat alone. Crying over him. Feeling used. Feeling not good enough. I kept telling myself if I was doing all the things I was doing to please him why wouldn’t he wanna stay with me??? It’s because they have the best of it all. They get to keep their comfortable life and they have a woman in the side that they get to do everything their wives won’t do, no matter what it is… and it’s exciting for them to have forbidden sex and sneak around and then when it’s the end of the visit they get to get in their cars and drive home to their wives.. and kids their wives with the same lips that they just kissed you with.. among other things. They look their wives right in the eyes and lie to them just exactly the way they lie to you. What broke me and my ex married man up is he got caught up in too many lies. He told me he wanted a life with me and was ready to leave his wife.. now mind you.. I believed this because he seemed so genuine and real and swore to me.. but he was acting different. His words and actions weren’t matching up. And we started arguing a lot. I found out that not only was he not planning on leaving his wife.. they were trying for another baby. This destroyed me. Devastated me beyond anything ever. I ended it then. Even though it killed me and I couldn’t imagine not having him.. I couldn’t be with him anymore after that. There is sooooo much more to my story.. but this is the basics of it. Dating these married men is killing you slowly. I know you feel like being with them even though you’re suffering is better than being without them.. it’s not true. It’s just your heart talking for you. And I won’t lie and say you won’t feel like you’re dying inside when it’s over.. because you will. You will miss them so badly… but… you will heal. And your pain will start to fade more every day. The days won’t feel so long… you won’t have to pray to god to get you from one breath to the next… you will start seeing who he really was and how little you most likely meant to him. But you will heal. I am in a much better place than I was. I don’t miss him anymore. My heart doesn’t break for him anymore. I think about his wife. She did t win. Her husband had a whole other relationship with another woman. He got another woman pregnant.. yes, I got pregnant but miscarried at 4 months. Forever his wife will always be afraid when he walks out the door.. wondering where he’s going or who he will be going to see.. knowing that her husband made love to someone else. Kissed someone else.. they’re love is tarnished. She will always wonder who he’s texting when she walks out of the room. And 9 times out of 10 these men will work hard to rebuild their trust with their wives (if they were caught, we were caught 3 times) so think of how she felt knowing that she kept catching him with the same woman. No matter how solid they may end up becoming.. she will never fully trust him. I’m thankful I’m no longer living that life. No longer hurting watching him go home.. no longer being fed lie after lie. No longer being lonely waiting for him to throw me more crumbs. I would never ever put myself in that situation again … and I know we can’t help who we fall for.. but in some ways we can. If we know he’s married and we feel any little spark.. get away from the situation. It’s not worth it.

          1. Thank you, Learned The Hard Way.
            Your post was so powerful. You described everything I’m feeling.
            But even after reading it. I still cant bring myself to keave.
            Even in the mist of the pain I still love, need and want him.
            I break up with him and take him back because the heartaches.
            I need to seek help because I’m starting to believe this pain will never go away, only in death.

          2. Learned the hard way & finding my way,

            Thank you for this. Reading your words mean so much to me and to hear from others in my situation or who have been in my situation makes me feel not so alone and isolated. I keep telling myself that 2020 is a new year and this is going to be the year I finally get my life back. We aren’t really talking and I do think we’re nearing the end. But my brain just spirals every day thinking about him and his wife. It’s literally all I think about. Exactly what you said – he just gets to continue on with his life as if nothing happened? While I sit here devastated? It drives me absolutely insane. I called his wife 3 years ago and told her everything. She was so unemotional it was the CRAZIEST thing. She didn’t cry. She didn’t yell at me. And she knew who I was. I gotta be honest she sounded MISERABLE. But she stayed with him. Why in the world do these wives stay? I could say the same thing about myself but he didn’t betray me or our wedding vows. I just can’t understand or wrap my brain around the situation. And I think I try to convince myself that he loves and cares about me because the alternative is just too painful. I literally get sick to my stomach at the thought of him having sex with his wife, being with her, etc. Is there any chance these men are really just in unhappy marriages? I feel like I have to tell myself that otherwise if I think about just being used for 8 years I’ll end up in a mental institution. You both are so right about everything you said. I need to get the idea that she “won” out of my head. Because I think that’s the biggest issue with me – I’m so stuck on the fact that he “chose” her over me and can’t let it go. I’m just soooo tired and exhausted and anxious ughhhhh us ladies just need to meet up and drink wine together and share horror stories and encourage each other that we 100% deserve better.

          3. Learned the hard way-thank you for your posts. I’ve read them all. Thank you for sharing the harsh reality and for also giving us hope we can move on. It is so hard. There is not and easy exit out of these stupid messes. But we can get through it-at least you have I think. I appreciate you sharing your story.

      2. It hurts just thinking about letting him go. I know I need to. I’d rather have the drug than go through the withdrawals, so to speak. It hurts to be with him and hurts to be without him. I know I need to let go. BUT THIS PAIN, I let him go then I take him back within days. Wow!! I’m starting to feel like I don’t want to keep going on so much pain. Sometimes I feel like I’d rather die..
        HELP!!!

    2. Learned the hard way

      Hello LT

      Good for you for making the right choice. I know you’re hurting. The day I ended things with my married man, I was completely devastated and hurting. I thought I would never heal. I went through every emotion a person can have. But it got better. You’re right, if these men were so unhappy they’d do something about it. Instead what they do is go out and find a woman, get them to fall in love with them so that that woman will please them. Then they go back home. I used to watch my ex drive away and then I’d fall to the floor in tears. Every single time he left. I felt used and disgusting. They are where they want to be. They just think it’s perfectly ok to do whatever they want. The hardest part of my healing from my ex mm, was getting myself to believe that I wasn’t the worthless piece of crap he made me feel like. It’s been 2.5 years now.. and I know he couldn’t give a crap less what happened to me after the breakup. He went right on with his life and left me with irreparable damage. But, I’m stronger than I was. I let him go. Life moves forward and we have to make the decision to let go and know our worth. Good luck to you.

  27. Palm tree – I hear everything u say and in a similar situation as you…except we are both married with kids and found each other…being with him is wrong but being without him is hurting me too and I know it’s so selfish…somehow all these stories are giving me comfort that we will all get through this ….2 weeks for both of us we just need time ..the pain is very fresh and all wounds need time to heal…I think it’s ok to cry at the gym work ,folding ,laundry ,or simply all the time :) and I pray for both of us this crying will help us heal the hurt we are feeling.

    1. Thank you Eve. I’m glad we understand our pains and what we have to get through. After 1 month separation, we get back together, which I know I’m stupid and I should’ve not .. I still love him blindly but I stopped initiating contact because I’m the one who always and try to live for myself. Sounds easy but it’s really hard for me. Everyday is painful. I still cry a lot and feel depressed even after we’re get back. As you said, I really understand that being with him is wrong but being without him is so much painful. and you’re not selfish..

      It’s my first Christmas and New Year without him since we’ve been together. His family went back hometown this season last 2 years so I could be with him but this year family stay here with him. He will celebrate with his office staff that there’s many pretty girls and go back home where his family waiting. I’m worried if he flirts with pretty girls when he gets drunk or found someone new already ? etc I can’t stop thinking too much..
      I live and work overseas and no my family here and all my close friends are on vacation now. I feel so lonely and miserable being alone. Everyone seems happy. I’m already scared of what pictures his wife and staff will post on Instagram with him and it hurts me seeing having fun with them without me..
      I know he won’t wish me Christmas and New Years and he doesn’t even care that we can’t be together. December has been really tough for me.

      I don’t know about your situation now.. I hope you’re feeling much better now.
      Merry Christmas and happy new year. Hope next year will be easier for both of us and everyone here.

  28. I was breaking up with my mm 2 weeks ago, and it’s been 2 weeks we haven’t talk each other. we were together 2 years and I still love him so much. His marriage life with wife must be fine and he has 2 kids and they seem very happy family. I never asked him to leave them for me or divorce, my wish was just to be with him.
    In this 2 years, we had a lot of fights and arguments since he can’t see me so much often (of course he’s married) but he managed and we could short travel twice a year and I really love traveling with him. However he’s texting and coming to see me less and less since this March and no upcoming holiday with him this year since he goes to go travel with his family. He said he was busy, his wife was suspicious etc but I felt something is off even he was still affectionate when I see him. I was always suspicious and complained and whined why he couldn’t make time for me, text me, or etc and I’m sure it made him sick and tired of me. I don’t know.. or maybe he found someone new. No idea.
    I wanted to change the situation, I wanted him to change like he used to. Even I’ve told him how I felt in this relationship and he seemed not care about me anymore. I didn’t know what to do anymore so I broke with him. He somehow didn’t wanna breakup but hang up my phone and ignored me even I messaged and called him since then. And I think no contact is his answer to this problem. We’re done.
    Now I feel nothing but pain. I keep blaming myself what I’ve done and said to him. I just regretted why I was breaking up with him. It was painful to be with him but much more painful to let him go. It kills me. Tears rolling down on my cheeks even at workplace, gym and everywhere. I cry like stupid once I’m alone at home. He’s on vacation with his family and it kill me every time I see his wife instragram. He looks happy and he seems like he totally forgot about me. Feel so depressed and empty every time I wake up in the middle of night. I still love him. I don’t wanna lose him, I don’t want him to be with someone new… I can’t accept this breakup, I can’t accept the fact that he doesn’t care about me anymore. I can’t accept that he won’t hug me anymore when I have a bad day at work.. I don’t know what to do and no idea how long it takes for me to over come. Sorry for my English.

    I love reading everyone’s story here and it makes me cry and thanks for making me feeling I’m not alone.

  29. My mm story is a little different. We met at work and worked together for nearly 2 years. He had a girlfriend and then a fiancé throughout the time we worked together but he always flirted with me (I would tell him it’s inappropriate) and we were good friends. Right after he got married his wife went to the military. We didn’t talk much for a couple months, then in June of this year he confessed he liked me. For the past 4 months I’ve been in a constant struggle. He told me he was getting a divorce, he even showed me text messages talking about it with her. My only friend that knew was always very suspicious of him and didn’t buy that he was getting a divorce. I love him though and ignored every red flag. Well earlier this month he broke up with me because he was “guilty.” Even though I tried ending it for the same reason a few times and he didn’t let me. We continued to hang out for a couple days. Then he told me he’s completely done. Well right after we broke up he started wearing his wedding ring again..I’m hurt because now I see that he was never really planning on getting a divorce and I was just here to fill a void. I feel manipulated and used. He told me that he wanted me forever and even asked me to move in with him next year. What would you guys do? I feel awful about the whole situation, he asked me to be friends but I don’t think I can. Do you think he was ever planning on divorcing?

    1. Learned the hard way

      I’m sorry to say, I’m pretty sure it’s false promises and false hope that he’s giving you. My ex said he wanted a life with me too, it never happened. In the end when we broke up.. he told me “I lied to you (when he said he wanted a life with me) because I figured if I lied to you I wasn’t hurting you.” That’s word for word what he said to me. So basically him lying to me and giving me false hope and empty promises that completely damaged any trust I have for any human being was better than telling me the truth. So, I wouldn’t trust what he says.

  30. hey Ley, its hard for me to believe these MM arent happy in the home…Idk…I think mine is…or maybe we help them be happy in their so called marriages…I have no clue…

    social media may portray an image of their lives..but it still shows that the MM is willing to spend time with his family….even though he cheats-to me that shows some sort of happiness…

    1. Learned the hard way

      I agree with this. I just wanna say.. the best thing to do to help yourself heal is to NOT look at their social media pages. It’s only torturing yourself. Because on social media, everyone has a perfect and happy relationship. They aren’t going to post pictures captioned with “my husband is a cheater” or “I cheat on my wife”. The day we broke up, I deleted my Facebook page to keep me away from being tempted to look. I believe this helped me so much. I haven’t looked not one time in over two years. I feel there is nothing to gain from it. All I will see is him and her in happy loving pics and it will just cause me pain that isn’t necessary.

  31. I reread these messages in hopes it will give me the strength I need to block him, to let him go but I can’t. I want to so bad because I know this relationship isn’t healthy and it’s not going anywhere. I’ve been with my mm for 13 years. He was my first boyfriend when we were just teenagers. We were each other’s first for everything. I moved away we got back together in our late teens and it didn’t work out again. 10 years later we ran into each other and we picked up like it hadn’t been 10 years. Only thing different is he’s married and I’m divorced. We started only seeing each other every few weeks now we see each other almost everyday. We talk and text daily. He comes over after work almost everyday. He’s literally my best friend. We have tried breaking it off many times and we give in after 2 days. I know I deserve so much better. But I can’t imagine just letting go of him. He helps around my house as if he lived there. He’s with me and my kids for our birthdays. Comes over for dinner. He never stays the night of course. He’s only over for hours at a time. I divorced my husband 17 years ago and of those 17 yrs I’ve had my mm around 13 years. It’s like I’m single at least to the world I am but I’m not. Or am I? My kids have been around him the last year or so and some of my family members have met him. Having my family involved makes it so hard. They have expectations that we can’t fulfill. They want to know why we haven’t moved in together or when is the wedding. Those questions from my family kill me. Because I know it will never happen. He won’t leave and I know by him telling me he can’t leave his wife because of he kids is bull. I know if he truly wanted to be with me he would be, right? 13 years is so long I don’t know how I’ve done this to myself for so long. I told him I can’t do another holiday season and not be together. The holidays just kill me. I’m so strong but yet so weak to do what I know I need to do.

    I posted the above a few weeks ago.. I’m on day 5 of no contact ands been so hard. I keep telling myself I deserve better, he’s never going to leave, there is no future. I’ve told my one friend and one family member that know the truth about us hoping they will make me stay accountable and not contact him. As much as I don’t want him to contact me part of me is hoping he does. But today I finally blocked him. I’m praying I could stay strong and not unblock him.
    Thanks to all who have shared their stories on here. They have really helped me.

    1. Erika how are you doing? I’m struggling today and came back to this discussion for inspiration and your post just struck me. I’m divorced (6years) and my affair is going on 8. Have you been able to break free?

      1. FINDINGMYWAY-
        I was only strong for 2 weeks. I tried blocking him and I unblocked him. And we picked up again like nothing. I struggle daily with letting him go. I don’t know what it will take to truly let him go. I can’t bare the thought of not talking to him. We’ve discussed trying to be just friends but it never works out that way. As much as I want to believe we could be only friends I don’t think that will ever happen. It’s all or nothing. We can’t just be half way in. I tell myself daily, today will be the day and I don’t follow through. I don’t want to go through the holidays again ALONE! It sucks so bad. My heart breaks thinking of him with his family and not me. Not necessarily his family but his wife. I know he needs to be with them. I feel so selfish even saying it. It’s a daily fight I have with myself. I know he’ll never leave her I just need to come to grips with that. One day I’ll be strong enough.

  32. Want to really let go of your married man? Start with educating yourself on Narcissism. I was once in the same predicament, until one day, out of the blue, I never heard from the Narc again. No closure, no nothing. I was completely devastated. By the Grace of God, I found this blog, “Knowing the Narcissist”, written by an admitted Narc (HG Tudor). This blog has nearly 16.5 million hits, which says a lot about the need for his knowledge. Once I was willing to be honest with myself, and not make excuses for the piece of crap and what I “thought” we had, I had all of my questions answered. Go to narcsite.com and look up the following articles:

    Why the Narcissist Targets You
    Sitting Target
    The Eight Exploitation’s of Empathy
    Warning Letter
    Ten Seductive Sentences Used by the Narcissist
    The Weapon that is Infidelity
    What is Future Faking
    Forever On the Fake
    Something that Rings True
    Something Does Not Feel Right
    Outside Looking In
    The Devastation of Illusion
    Why Is the Narcissist Always on My Mind
    Closure Denied
    Buried Alive
    A Stolen Love

    There are so many more than this, but this list would be a great place to start. HG Tudor will give more insight to what Narcissism is, at every level, as well as what being an Empath means to them, more so than most therapists ever could. His work can be overwhelming to read at first, but he’s a brilliant (sometimes dark) writer and brutally honest. If you choose to read it, read the “About” section first so you can understand why he started the blog. If you tend to attract the wrong type of people (married men/women), or they seem to be everywhere in your life, HG Tudor will tell you exactly why, and what, you need to do to stop the cycle. He will literally save you from a life of extreme heartache and pain.

    HG Tudor also offers audio ($150 hr) or email ($40+) consultations, which I guarantee will save you thousands in therapy costs. He also has (voice only) YouTube videos and inexpensive books on Amazon.

    Believe it or not, a narcissist does NOT just target the weak and vulnerable. They most often target strong, smart, confident people because of the challenge and fuel they get once they entrap these people. One of the main things I learned from him as well, was that his wife was not his problem. HE WAS THE PROBLEM.

    If you choose to read his articles, please give yourself the chance to read at least 5-7 of them before giving up. Chances are you are an empathetic person in nature and because of that, you are a sitting target and, more than likely, have been entrapped by a Narcissist.

    My advice to anyone reading this – GET OUT NOW! I promise, it WILL NOT end well for you no matter what you believe now and no matter how hard you fight for what you feel is promised to you. Save yourself and be free, because the Narcissist does not care about you.

    1. Learned the hard way

      I couldn’t agree more with the part where you said.. “it will not end well for you, no matter what you were promised.” No truer words. You will be the one who is hurting. You will be the one who is devastated. You will be the one left in the couch crying for days while he all the sudden decides it’s time for him to be the perfect husband. He WILL move right along with his wife and you’ll be a memory in the back of his mind. It’s not worth it ladies. It truly isn’t. I can say this because I lived it.

    2. I’ve commented before. Almost 5 years in my affair with a mm now. We recently kissed, and it was the first time in months. I tell myself everyday that I’m done… and every time I see him I forget that. We work together. Financially it’s not feasible for me to get a job elsewhere. I’m not sure how I’ll ever get over him though… He’s perfect in every way… besides being married. He’s my best friend and my soulmate. Unfortunately I believe I’m neither of those things to him. I don’t understand why he stays with his wife, but I’ve never asked. I’m sure there’s no good reason. He’s not religious, so it’s not like he thinks divorce is morally wrong. He just doesn’t want to get a divorce I guess. Does he love her? Again I’ve never asked, and I don’t want to know. I’ve casually dated throughout the past 5 years and had a couple of semi serious relationships… I always wished I was with him throughout it all. Uggghhhh. Have I just not met a single guy that I could love these past 5 years or have I not given them the chance to find out? I just have no interest in anybody else. I can see somebody I would have thought was gorgeous before I met him, and now I’d feel nothing. I’d still admire their looks, like you would a painting lol, but there is no sparks… funny thing is he is NOT attractive, in the least… to most anyways. I knew him for years without being the bit physically attracted to him. Now I could stare at his beautiful face and body for hours. Going off track here fantasizing about him 😂 I just want to not love him, and I can’t figure out how not to.

      1. How is he perfect in every way if he is married and talking to you? I’m sorry, but a man that does that is not a man at all and I know he can’t be definitely giving you all that you deserve. Men like this make me sick. I’ve been there and done that and these men are just great at manipulating is women. Luckily, for you, you can run while you can and you are not married to him because if he does this to his wife, he will definitely do it to the next person he is with. This is a blessing in itself trust me. If anything, feel bad for his wife that she married a person like this. I’ve been in your shoes when I was talking to a married man from work and now although, I do see him around so often and even avoid him while at work cause I want nothing to do with him and dont want to entertain him. I can say now that I’m happily engaged to a real man because I gave him a real chance and stopped comparing men to something that wasnt even a reality because reality isn’t that situation with that loser from work.

  33. Thank you Ley
    I just refuse to be used anymore to boost his ego
    And correct he has to face his unhappiness on his own now. I’ll be counting down the days just so I can have the satisfaction of kicking him to the pavement

    1. Dear Annie,

      How have you been holding up? I just commented below in response to Kaly with an update on how I’m faring post-breakup. I hope it helps and I hope that he’s been successfully kicked to the pavement. <3

      Ley

      1. Hi Ley
        Not well had managed 3 months not going back then we started talking and two weeks ago met up then on Friday he rings me tells me he’s left her I books hotel spends the night he goes to face the music and guess what?? He’s changed his mind still conflicted well not me that’s it
        I hate him he can drop dead now for all I care and I’m using this anger to see me through

  34. Dear Annie, you are not alone. I am in the same predicament as you, and it’s been a few days since he and I ended things amicably and we’ve had no contact since.

    I was tired of feeling like I was not a priority, receiving only scraps of his attention (which was supposed to be his way of keeping his promise of making contact whenever its convenient for him) and always pressured to be available to him when he needed to soothe his sexual urges which he couldn’t satisfy at home. I don’t want to be convenient, I am worth the effort of any man.

    One day nearing the end of our relationship he told me “Why can’t we just be two people who really enjoy having sex? Don’t think so much about the situation (him being married), we can’t change it.” This was my biggest trigger to leave and not want to have anything to do with him. He never told me that it would work out, and he was always more realistic about the situation we are in, so I guess that helped. But it still hurt knowing that he wanted me on the side while knowing that he was the cause of my pain, and still being selfish with his needs.

    They will always have their ways to talk themselves back into our hearts, but the truth is that they chose to marry somebody else. (In my case, it started while he was engaged, and I cut it off a week before he got married. We reconnected a year after he was married and had an affair for about 3 quarters into the year before I couldn’t stand being in it any longer.) And sometimes it’s really not that the wife is better than us – the mm just invested too much into that relationship (house, many years of being together, fear of breaking up, community and friends etc.) to pull out – so really, these men are just losers, losers that we still love and see the best in despite their shortcomings.

    In retrospect all I see is cowardice, lies, self-justification for their actions (i.e. ‘I already told you from the start what this was’) and gas-lighting (if you ever start to question your ability to judge and form sound opinions when you’re arguing with him and feel that you don’t have a say at all, this is what they’re doing ladies, it’s their way of silencing us into submission).

    I loved him, but not enough to continue putting myself through all that nonsense again, I felt more pain than love the whole time. But I do feel a gaping hole for now since we’ve stopped talking.

    Honestly, the best way to “win” and heal and find true happiness, is to leave. You hold more cards than you know as the OW – He has to finally deal with his unhappiness at home ALONE, without getting to use you as a crutch. Two, HE DOESN’T GET TO HAVE YOU! He is not worthy of your love if he can’t give it back the way you want it (i.e. commitment, an engagement ring, a beautiful wedding, a house, LOYALTY.., undivided attention.. ).

    I figured that I don’t want to help him have a better marriage because he dutifully fulfils his roles and chores at home by “being a good husband” but gets his fun when with me which he doesn’t get at home. What the actual fuck.. ?

    We are WIFE material, not PLAYMATE material, ladies!! <3

    I agree with the below comments .. his wife can have his sorry ass. These wives are usually always posting on social media about how happy they are, but really. Only we know the truth, and the truth will set us free. I was once jealous of the wife for getting to have his commitment, but now, I just hope he doesn't do it again to her, and she doesn't deserve the pain of knowing what has happened behind her back so I left the situation first. Both OW and wife DO NOT benefit from a cheating man, so I don't get jealous of her anymore.

    Reading everyone's comments helped me to accelerate my healing, so thank you thank you thank you to all the brave women who have taken the first step. You all did what the men didn't have balls to do – which was to end it!

    It gets better day by day, I still miss him, but I don't feel the weight of secrecy and lies and hiding anymore. Sometimes when we're so used to being chained, we have to re-learn how to fly and be free.

    1. Ley,

      Thank you so much for this post. You have no idea how much it has helped me. I was in a situation that I am not proud of. But I had the courage to leave. I feel so used…so unimportant. But I know I am worth so much more

      1. Dear Kaly,

        I’m so, so proud of you and happy for you! Your life has just started after leaving! Trust me on this, with the newfound emptiness you will find more meaningful ways to fill it and soon you will realise that you have gone through one entire activity (e.g. buying a new decoration for your home / painting a sunset / making something in a pottery class / having fun in an exercise class ) without thinking of him for an entire hour (the period of time gets longer trust me). I still think of him sometimes at night, and now that it’s the Christmas season its even tougher for all of us to STICK TO OUR NO CONTACT RULE because it will just cause us more pain knowing that they’re with their families.

        I want to encourage you and everyone else here with an update on how I’m doing post-breakup/blocking on all social media/cutting off all access that he had to me.

        I finally feel like I’m not distracted anymore, like I actually got my life back.. I realised how much stupid time I was wasting by acceding to his requests for silent video calls, secret meet-ups, texting throughout the day only to not be able to talk at night… ugh. And I finally have my time and energy back to focus on my passions, work and upgrading myself. Honestly, I FELT LONELIER WHEN I WAS IN THE AFFAIR rather than now. It’s an odd realisation, but it’s a pleasant one nonetheless.

        Leaving him was the BEST decision I have made for myself this year. I saw a post on Instagram that said “2019 taught you how to be strong, 2020 will make you HAPPY”. I’m hoping and praying to manifest real love into my life in the coming year! Well even if I have to wait a bit longer, at least I’m free of all the pain I went through whilst hanging on to the affair.

        Your courage to leave will empower you and others to do the same. Love you very much from across the world, and I hope my post-affair-block-delete-erase update will help some others too. <3

        Ley

        1. Ley, you are one bad ass b*tch and I admire you! I may need to hire you as my new therapist LOL
          For real though, I’m going to read your post every day to help me while I get through this. I hope I can get over him and find happiness like you have. Thank you!

  35. reading through all this for comfort but still cant stop crying…we are both happily married with kids in ssme town and we work together..i came onto him and got to know him….if someone told me any of us are type of people to cheat i qould laugh in your face!! we stop for a few days and keep going back to each other. i am really in a hard situation and i guess this is our second round of a “few days!”

  36. Hi
    I’m after some support
    I’ve just recently ended my affair with mm after 4 years
    Because I’m fed up of being second best
    We’ve had the conversations of being together but he keeps changing his mind
    He even got married to his wife during our affair
    I’m so hurt and heart broken
    It’s not something I intended to happen but I fell for him and it’s now over
    Any words of comfort is appreciated in how to move on

    1. It’s like being on a roller coaster that NEVER ends! :( Six yrs this month and I’m done! He has taken over my life and what Ido! He has made me feel crazy, irrational…on and on blah, blah blah… I am 56 yrs old and have spent all of my 50’s being sad and feeling like a shelved toy, that is only important when he gets bored with his wife! Done, took me wayyyytooo long because I believed him, even though my brain, said my heart is dumb! I am moving on for 2020…say that every year..moving on lol. He goes poof when with wife and doesn’t respond, orcare! Hmmm not a real relationship! Need to tell myself he is a selfish, narc user and he really is! Glad I saw it, finally! Sorry it took so long :(

      Umm tried to post and they said duplicate! It’s not!

  37. Jade and bean I’m sorry that u had to search out this type of article. I was in ur shoes 2 yrs ago. I was just fresh out of a divorce from a man I was with for 25 yrs, since 18. I was damaged for sure. Looking for any attention. I found it. At a work conference out of town. We are co workers tho we worked for different entities of a city government. We started talking as friends but one thing lead to another. He is 10 yrs younger and was a newlywed. Marriage of 2 yrs. Of course told all kinds of misery of his marriage. I actually thought he was going to leave her. He told me he loved me, would cry bc he missed me. A little over a year into it he got his wife pregnant. But he was so miserable right. He actually thought he was going to keep me. Maybe he would have kept things going. But I couldn’t. I had to end it. It killed me. I was in it for 2 years. It was the biggest mind f**k I ever did to myself. I deserve better. You deserve better. I still have contact bc of work. But it gets easier every time. Now it doesn’t matter. Is he happy. Idk maybe. A little part of me doesn’t want him to be. Bc that means he got off Scott free. While I got destroyed. Move on. And u will find someone who is yours alone. I did. We are committed to each other. I trust him. He is not a cheater. We are friends and lovers and it’s great. Please let go of the married man.

  38. Unfortunately this article wasn’t much help to me. I’ve been crazy about this man for 4 and a half years now. We work together. I just cannot accept the advice I come across in these type of articles that says if you work together, then you need to find another job. I could see if you’ve only been at the job for weeks or maybe even months… but years? I wouldn’t be able to find comparable work with as good of benefits or the payscale I’m at. I sometimes wish he would quit. Seeing as he has triple the amount of years put in as I do, I don’t see that happening haha. Intellectually I know this isn’t how love works. My heart and lady bits won’t agree with my brain though.

    1. Hi Jade, same situation here.
      He is my boss, so I am even somewhat obliged to be nice in meetings.
      I have no clue how I am going to do that, but at the same time I want to be the stronger one.
      The company is not very big. I am giving this half a year to see if I can cope. If not, I must leave. No job is worth this torture.
      i try to see it in a way, that I also have some sort of power now. I have nothing to loose, he has all his reputation to loose. That’s what i keep telling myself at least.
      I say that now because i feel strong.
      Let’s see how I deal later.
      How is your situation?

  39. Reading the posts on this article reminds me about the two years of my life wasted in a mix of pure ecstasy and sheer horror. After moral and financial support, after crisis and after bleeding myself dry of any tears and will of living, in a moment when all I need was a hug from him, he sent me a text saying that he can’t do this anymore as “it’s tearing his soul apart”! Whaaat?!???? OUT of NOWHERE! A text! Not even the courtesy of showing up for a decent good bye. What fools we are, forgetting ourselves and serving everything- mind, body and soul – on a silver platter for a stranger to take until he decides he had enough. I’ve met him a few months later: same old, same self pitying story and same inertia. He missed me, he craved me, he was sorry… I wasn’t! It ended with his text. I pity his wife for choosing to stay in a relationship where, I now know, I wasn’t the first, nor the last “other woman”. There are good men out there. There are a one women kind of men. There are men who know what respect, commitment and support means. Kudos to them! And kudos to those of you who will understand that what I wrote can help you take a decision you should’ve take long ago. It’s only hard when you want to live in a dream. It’s your choice how this will end up, because that final call is inevitable.

  40. You found these tips on how to stop dating a married man – and I’m glad! I hope you’re finding hope, healing, and support.

    The conversation has been good and helpful, but I have to turn off the comments on this article simply because there are too many. I don’t want to end the conversation, but I do need to move you to another page because my little website can’t handle more than 1,400 comments on one article!

    So, like at a party, I’m asking you to move from the kitchen to the living room. We’ll all be more comfortable there :-) Go to this article to share your thoughts about your relationship with a married man:

    5 Blossom Tips to Help You Stop Wanting Him Back
    https://howloveblossoms.com/how-to-stop-wanting-him-exboyfriend-ex-husband-back/

    Also – sign up for my weekly “She Blossoms” newsletter! We’re a group of women growing forward together, into fresh seasons and new lives. You’ll find encouragement, inspiration, and practical tips for moving fon.
    Join us here:
    http://eepurl.com/ca2mJr

    May you find hope and healing as you move forward. May you find joy, peace and wisdom…and may your heart be renewed and refreshed.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  41. Thank you for this page. Honestly I didn’t know this would show up when I typed “how to forget a married man” My story is cery similiar to all of you. He was my supervisor at my previous job. It started kidaweird but he made the first move on me and started flirting with me. I was and am with another man but not married or anything. I have no kids with anyone but he does, 2 , with his wife…. I asked once how they met and everything and in my point of view, weird yet romantic. He is 13 years older than me and well everything started with a picture. But throughout time, everything got serious and we decided to move in together like 3 times and yes the wife found out about me. Well the last time he did leave but suppoowent back because he didn’t want to leave his kids which is understandable yet I can’t understand 100% since I’m not a mom. But he would say he loved me and didn’t feel anything towards her, that he was there because of his lids nothing else. But my question is, why are he still married tl her is he doesn’t love her? Can’t he just share parenthood but I don’t know. He would do things that hurted me. The last thing he did which made me leave him was that we were texting and sent a picture of some papers he was signing or whatever and on his desk there was a picture of his kids and wife. So why say he ain’t trying when his actions say otherwise. He made up the excuse that his kids gave it to him. Um ok there wasn’t a piture of just them two? I really don’t want to hate him but for everything he would use his kids. And it looks like it’s easier for him to throw me away. That isn’t love…. I deserve better and y’all do too. God has bigger plans, better plans and He has a man for us that He is happy with to take care of us.

    1. VirtuousWoman,
      I think most of us here know exactly how you feel and have experienced the entire “I don’t love my wife but I’m staying for the Kids” bs. I was/am with my MM for 19 1/2 years (yes you heard right) and he would constantly tell me that he wasn’t in love with her, that she didn’t like to have sex and that she was a prude. When I met him he had actually filed for a legal separation so I believed that he’d eventually get a divorce and we would be together. Then a year and a half into our relationship he told me he couldn’t file for divorce because he was moving back in with her because of the kids. All of this happening all the while he’s telling me he doesn’t love her, and that he’s staying for his kids, which at the time were 4yrs and 1 1/2yrs. All the while I believed that he was there only for the kids, but what I’ve discovered in those two decades of being his girlfriend is that they will never get a divorce. They will always come up with an excuse not to leave the wife “they don’t love”. And you know why that is? Because they’re a bunch of COWARDS and liars, they are afraid to leave the security of their marriage and why should they when they have the best of both worlds? They have their wive and then they have us, so really why would they leave? One day while my MM was over at my house, he left his phone on my kitchen counter, and a text came through from his wife, and it read “I want to thank you babe for breakfast, it was nice just you and me”. When he came back from the bathroom I asked him why the hell his wife was calling him “babe” if (as he put it) they were always fighting? He turned white, because he couldn’t talk his way out of it. I also asked him if he called his wife babe (because that’s what he called me) and he was speechless, I told him I NEVER wanted him to call me that again. This was right after I saw a picture of his wife wearing the very same sports jersey that he had bought me for Christmas one year, and the same scarf, and the same beanie. I was furious and I told him that I never wanted any gifts from him again, that I was unique and smarter than his wife and I didn’t deserve for him to kill two birds with one stone and buy us the very same gifts! We are not stupid women, we are all smart and we are strong, but we have to find a way to break free from these manipulative men. So to explain why they don’t leave these wives that they say they don’t love, it is because they don’t want to, because they have the best of both worlds, and because they are selfish, narcissistic self-absorbed men who have been able to get away with this because we allow them to. They are lying to their wives about being faithful, so they can lie to us about not loving the women they are married to. And I know you don’t want to hear this, my it is easier for them to throw us away because they have an entire different life they can fall back on when “we” don’t work out. God knows our struggles, He knows our sorrow and pain and He will eventually give us the strength to get out of the emotional grip that these men have over us. I am only one bead in a long line of jewels that make up this very precious necklace of women who have struggled right along with you. We have all found strength from each other and when one of us manages to break that vicious cycle, it is a victory for all of us. Stay strong, have faith and remember that you are not alone.

      1. Thank you Roni. Same thing happened to me about the text. What is funny is that he throws crap at me for things he does. I am thinkin g of giving my partner/husband idk how you call it another chance. He has been patient with me these 2 years and he doesn’t know anything. It’s hard to let go because when I think about everything he has done that hurted me, I send him stuff to get him mad and start a fight but like you said, it’s getting easier and easier. By the stories of all of you, I have discovered a lot of things so thank you for everything. I have opened my eyes

        1. Hi VirtuousWoman,
          All I have to say is that you are not, by any means alone. I believe we’ve all been at different points with our MM that we have actually seen their true colors. They are good at throwing things in our face that they really shouldn’t, but they do because it’s hypocritical and that’s the only defense mechanism they have. As for you and your partner/husband, think long and hard before you decide anything. You may be thinking that reviving that relationship is a good idea because you are going through some very emotional with your MM. I’m not saying not to, that is totally up to you, but before making any important decisions, sit back and think, no matter how long it takes you to decide, and rationalize everything.

      2. Thank you, Roni. I just posted myself….my MM situation is a bit different – kids older – and a wife who he claims harangues him….she’s certainly thrown him out of the house enough….and a situation where he doesn’t make enough money to support the lifestyle she (and perhaps he) want…especially the one where she doesn’t work (which she hasn’t for 22 years) even though they can’t keep up with the bills….particularly the mortgage.

        A few months ago my biggest worry was that my MM would finally get his act together, have enough money to keep his wife happy – and then wouldn’t need the person he’s been leaning on for the past two and a half years. Now, I see it as a horrible relationship where neither one is going to take the first step to either – work towards patching things up – or really getting out. I don’t think he is getting the best of both worlds – Babe is the last thing I think she would call him based on the texts he’s shared. At the same time there is security even in a bad marriage. He can continue to try to make enough money to satisfy everyone and she doesn’t have to work or change her must have list….despite the money insecurity….because he is too afraid of losing (or hurting) the kids.

        1. Hi YoungSally,
          I know exactly where you’re coming from. I would ask my MM (years ago) if he actually could see us together, and he would say yes. Then after my 9 month rehab stint went belly up, and we began to see each other again I decided to ask him again. This time he said he didn’t know, that he wasn’t sure. So I asked him what changed in the 9 months we were apart, I mean I’m not stupid I know many things can change but this was his answer. He said he was afraid that he would lose everything he worked so hard to build, that if he got a divorce he’d lose half of everything (he’s a contractor and has his own business, and makes more than a decent living). I had advised him years ago to go and talk to his attorney to create a LLP or LLC for his companies. This way he was protected if he decided to divorce, but he never did. So he told me that he wasn’t sure what was going to happen with us. On top of it all, I knew that he and his wife had separate bank accounts, and he pays for everything despite the fact that she works, and makes about $67k a year in addition to what he brings in with all of his companies. But she never and I do mean NEVER pays for anything, he does and now he’s afraid that he’ll lose half? I told him that was his fault, that creating a financially dormant spouse was all his doing. It is and I made no qualms about telling him the truth. He pays for her car, their mortgage, both their kids college tuition and everything else. So in short he telling me that he was afraid to lose half of everything only meant that he doesn’t love me the way he says he did. And I am financially independent and don’t need his money. All I ever wanted was to be in a relationship with the man I was in love with. So we need so see them for all of their faults because that way we can finally take of the rose colored glasses and kick them to the curb along with all of their emotional, financial and marital baggage.

    2. They all say their home lives are horrible, but the question is why do they remain there. The reality is they want both, they are selfish. They like things about us that they don’t have at home, some may love is but the point is the vast vast majority of them are not going to leave.

  42. Cecilia Blackwell

    I realized after passing his house for the first time where he lay his head to rest with his wife that i just cant do this anymore i just cant. I deserve so much better. And besides she getting the luxury living while all im getting is good sex followed by lonely nights. And the daily compliants of how miserable his life is at home and work. Im so over this.

  43. Have any of you tried counseling to help you move on? My previous marriage counseling was a big joke. However, this situation is different. My marriage counseling happened way too late to be of any help. But if I reach my timeline, and things still havent changed, I have to end it. Im at my end and I need to take care of myself and move on. I know its likely going to be the hardest thing Ive done and in preparation Ive started resrarching local counselors. I think I will need the ongoing support to do it. What about any of you? I think this is so hard for all of us because if it ends it has to be completely on us. We have to leave someone who says they love us more than anything and who (in some situations) claim they will leave. But time goes on for many of us and nothing changes. No actions to match the words. Someone posted about trust. It makes me think of his wife and the fact this has gone on for so long. He could do this unbelievably disrespectful horrible thing to her for all these years because he doesnt have the emotional ability to address the issues he has with her. Do I want to get stuck with that? Seriously am I nuts? My previous marriage was terrible and I went through all that difficulty to extricate myself from that and then I get tied up with THIS guy? I shake my head at myself pretty much daily.

    1. I wanted to send a longer reply to your comment. I agree with you about ending the relationship too but I realize that I don’t have the strength to end it emotionally. Ironically, I did a few months ago mention to my mm that I was considering therapy and he as you can guess wasn’t supportive. I definitely think if you are with a mm and want to learn why you are with them and why you got involved in touch first place and why you cannot leave you should get professional help
      Also, some women make a choice to stay with the m.m and even they should get help because there are going to be times when you are miserable
      Good topic

    2. Hi Findingmyway,
      I begun counseling four years ago, and I am lucky enough to have a great person that listens to me, doesn’t judge and helps me through the roughest times with him (which seem to be all the time). My counselor is actually a practicing psychiatrist, and I know that sounds bad but I found her through my job’s Employee Assistance Program. I go once every month and she will see me if I really need to talk to her and it has helped. The most important thing she’s ever said is this, that leaving is going to be hard and that it won’t happen until I’m ready for it to happen and that emotional strength has always been there but selfish men will use our love against us and until we see them for who they really are, we will continue to allow them to string us along. I completely agree with her because it is the truth. As for the comment you made about when it ends its completely on us. And why shouldn’t it be? We have allowed these selfish men to use what we feel for them against us. They have manipulated our feeling for their own purpose, and the know what they are doing in order for them to keep us on the side while they are free to have their cake and eat it too? You know what my MM use to tell me? He would say “you think it’s easy for me to just walk away from you and go back to living the way I did before I met you? And the answer is YES, yes the prick can because he has a backup plan for when it doesn’t work out with me! Even in stupid comments like that they make it about themselves and to hell with us. Also, they will NEVER leave, if I’m not proof of that then I shouldn’t say anything. But it’s true, we feel trapped for the very same reason they can use our love for them against us. Because these “affairs” are toxic and they are extremely dysfunctional and will never be a good healthy relationship, EVER! You are not nuts, what is going on is that your brain is finally telling your heart to shut the hell up and listen to reason and common sense. Counseling works, it may take a while and sometimes you may feel hopeless because I know I did, but I felt that I what I was feeling wasn’t crazy, it was because I am finally waking up to the cold slap of reality. Okay so it took me the better part of 20 years, but I have finally begun to see him for who he is, and I never thought I’d ever hate the man that I once considered the love of my life, but believe it or not, I am getting there. I have blocked him from my phone and I delete any voicemail messages he leaves. It is a struggle because I will wake up like today and think of him and I wanted to wish him a Happy Father’s Day. Then my brain tells me to snap out of it and remember all the hurt and lies he’s told me and then I come to my senses.

  44. I just want to say that it’s amazing how so many of us are struggling with the same situation and feel so alone in our personal lives because we can’t really tell the people we know. It’s clearly a thing that happens all the time to people everywhere, but society shames us to keep silent. I hope that one day people can be more accepting that this does happen and try to help and be more supportive to all parties affected, rather than shunning it for being “wrong” and “immoral.” People feel the way they feel and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but it’s how we react to these feelings that we have to be careful of. Keep strong, everyone!

    1. That’s true and really no one i can talk to of what I’m going thru as people will judge and blame on me.
      Mm broke up with me earlier this year after 6yrs together. We still msg often and he told me he still is around to chat with me but wants me to be happy and move on with my life. Though my heart broke and i felt used but i know this is best for me. I find myself still emotionally attached to him and thinking maybe i should cut off all contact.

      1. It’s none of my business, but I would cut off all forms of communication with him
        He broke up with you. By the way, why did he after 6 years, did his wife find out???

    2. Thank you so much Lynn for saying this. I feel this way too. This is the only place where I can come and share how I feel. I am not even hundred percent sure that it was an absolute wrong doing to get involved with mm. But the way society tortures me makes it all worse.
      May be this is going to be next “coming out of the closet” thing 😂 😛

  45. Okay, so I am never one to ever, EVER leave an actual comment. But y’all…I’m riding the struggle bus driven by me. I am 28 years old single with no kids. I have never had an issue with men (.i.e. dating, relationships, etc.). I got out of a emotionally and verbally abusive relationship almost a year ago and swore off dating and men out of pure frustration.

    Fast forward to about three months ago. I’ve known this MM since I was at least 18-19 years old. We grew up in church together (ironic I know. church girl dates married man..) and sing together to this day. He was never on my radar…I mean I found him attractive, but I would never do anything. This all happened so quickly. Well, he started talking about his marital woes (grew up with his wife too. smh. messy messy messy) and I would talk about my disastrous dates to be funny, but one night the conversation just flipped. He said that he enjoys talking to me, complimented my personality, etc. Since then, we have been almost inseparable. Last week I met him and he wanted to fool around and I couldn’t do it. I wanted to so bad, but my conscious kicked in and I felt like I should leave. It didn’t stop him. He still continues to pursue me. I’ve had numerous convos saying that I am going to let him focus on his family and marriage (he’s in his mid 30s with two kids). He will agree and still call me, text me or tell me to come outside at work. And it’s like I’m a drug addict. I can’t say no. And he will say things like, “Tell me you want me to stop.” He knows I’m weak with him. It’s like a cycle that won’t quit. I think about him all the time. Can barely eat or sleep, y’all.

    I’m also starting to date a new guy and I don’t wanna mess that up either, because I genuinely like spending time with him too. We haven’t had sex, not even kissed because every time I get scared. I know the answer is to stop responding to him. I see him multiple times a week just with our events that we do together and I am not trying to make it awkward. It’s so lonely too, like I can’t just tell everyone. Only my bff knows but it’s still lonely.

    I don’t like feeling like I am waiting to hear from him or getting crumbs of his remaining time. I want someone who really wants to be with me for real. I never thought I would be this woman. He always says that I deserve better and that I always do the right thing. I know I need to stop. So, how did you do it? How did you actually communicate to the MM that it had to stop and how did you stick to it? Cause I did all that and lasted 24 hours. *facepalm*

    1. I know I’m not one to talk because I’m in love with my m.m and can’t extricate myself from him, but here is my advice. End it now before it turns sexual and overly emotional. The longer you are with them the harder it is to get out. Once sex and love become apart of it, it’s heartwrenching. Seriously. and they are not going to break up with you. They love it. The problem is 99 percent of the time they aren’t leaving their marriage no matter how much they claim they are miserable.

      1. Sadly, I succumbed to my own desires last night with him. At the time, I didn’t feel guilty like I did in the past. But when we finished, I kind of felt unemotional. But now he is more interested in talking to me more, but for some reason I’m off put. It was really good. No complaints, but for some reason I’ve almost become uninterested, but not enough to leave him alone. I feel like this isn’t gonna make much sense. I do not have the guilt that I thought I would at all. I’m also still in the mental place where I keep saying to myself, “I can’t believe I did that.” But I kinda wanna do it again, but I am equally not as interested as well. Idk, y’all. Like, he’s called me three times today and I only answered once to say I was busy at the office. I’m just so confused and lost if you can’t tell. And I am supposed to be going on a date with the other guy I like tonight and my brain is just all over the place. It gets messy. I never thought this would be me.

      2. Also, a few minutes ago he sent me this, “ We’ll talk another day. I’m blocking you for the weekend. I’ll reach out if I’m free. Just don’t reach out via messenger or text. She [wife] been tripping lately.” That hurt me for some reason. Like are you blocking me because you don’t trust me enough to not reach out? I know the consequences are high for both of us so I would never do that. But just seeing that I’m being blocked made me feel like sh*t. I may not even say anything else to him and just let it be done because the emotional highs and lows are just too much. I want a man who will want to be with me, not put me on a shelf and bring me out when he’s lonely or horny. It’s just taxing on my emotional well-being. Like I’m walking around mad but can’t tell anyone because of the type of situation it is. Such a lonely lie.

        1. I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with that. I think that’s the worse part of the m.m situation, they are not going to jeopardize their situation and often it’s at the risk of your happiness
          I’ve had similar experiences and it’s horrible. Frankly. The only solution is to not to care about them so when they do it it doesn’t hurt. But, if you love them it’s going to hurt a lot
          Try to wean yourself off
          It’s not going to change

        2. Ask yourself this: Do I want a liar and a coward as a friend? Same thing applies to a partner in life, no? This is Father’s Day weekend. Most of the cheating married men we’ve all been involved with are hiding and pretending right now to keep up appearances.

          1. Lynn,
            You took the words right out of my mouth! I am no longer communicating with my MM (yet again) and even I get tired of the cycle of breakups and reconciliations. But every time I do it it gets easier and I stay away longer. Why would we want to be associated with a bunch of lying hypocrites? Because that is exactly who they are, and it will never change. Thank you for those words, it should only give us more strength to stay away!

  46. I spent countless hours reading EVERYONES stories because they are my story too. My one question…Have any of you been successful in your leaving and being happy and sticking to your goal?

    1. I have tried, I’ve planned it out and just can’t. He broke up with me in Feb and while I was sad secretly I was relieved. He called me 2 days later begging me to come back to him.

    2. I am trying to not to contact him from last two months and it’s killing me inside…worst part is I have seen him chilling out with his wife through fb post I came to know. But don’t know why I don’t feel bad even then and I am waiting for him badly to call me.

      1. Ankita
        I know exactly how you feel. But take it from someone that has learned a very harsh lesson about what their “real” life is like. And what they want us to believe. I use to do the same thing, I would look at his kids social media because all the times we’d break up, I wanted to “see” him. He never let me take any pictures of him because he was married. So the only way I could see him was to go through this kids twitter, Instagram and FB pages. I would die inside when I’d see pictures of him with his wife and grow kids. It was the picture of a happily married couple. This last time I broke up with him it lasted 9 months. And I told myself that I no longer was going to be an emotional cutter. I was no longer going to hurt myself by going through his kids social media just because I missed his stupid ass. And even through my rehab was cut short. I haven’t once looked at any of his kids or wives social media. NOT ONCE!
        And it’s self preservation, because I’m learning to love myself more, and in that process I’m getting stronger. And in part some of that strength comes from this group that shares their stories. Stories of struggle, shame, love, self-doubt and indecision. But ultimately we will all find our own strength in our own time. Some of us are closer than others but when we find support without judgement, each day will get better. So you see Ankita, we are all at different stages in this struggle. What you feel is very valid and real. Do some serious inner searching, stop the self emotional cutting and realize your own worth. And most important of all, take it one day at a time. Much love!
        -Roni

    3. Hi Jeni,
      I’m going to be brutally honest. Every time we broke up, it wa me that chose to walk away. Because he’s to selfish to do it, and each and every time I felt that I was on the home stretch and would actually feel I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, he would break “radio silence”. And in turn I would fall for it, and we’d get back together yet again. If he’d actually leave me alone, I know I would be able to stay away from him. And I know I’m to blame as well for allowing it to happen. But that’s what MM do, their selfishness is stronger than what they perceive is love. I’m again trying to get away from him. He’s constantly texting me, so two days ago I finally blocked him. I have nine voicemail messages from him telling me he loves me, he can’t live without me, blah, blah, blah. I am tired and I’m too old to waste anymore time on him. Do what you need to to get away from him. You are more important than he’s making you out to be.

  47. I would like to raise a question to the group, if you could be with your m.m in a full time relationship, would you trust him???? I have thought about this a lot, and I’ll be honest i would not trust him

    1. I would not be able to trust the m.m. I was involved with, but honestly, the whole attachment has more to do with ourselves than with the m.m. I read somewhere online: “Generally when one becomes obsessed with someone who is unavailable it has to do with their own commitment issues. Because the object of desire is unattainable, one gets to have all the feelings of love without the fear or responsibility of a relationship.” This seems pretty true for me, so I may not be able to be in a real relationship with the m.m. even if he was finally single and took care of his personal issues. I gotta work through my own issues and then letting go of him will be easier. Root of the problem sort of thing.

      1. Wow. Makes sooo much sense. I’ve been married twice. One just a jerk. Other turned out to be a pervert. I don’t trust men. Nor do I trust my judgment. Being in an affair gives me the attention I want plus some intimacy and fun but I didn’t have to be concerned if it was going anywhere. If he was single, we wouldn’t be a great match. This is such an eye opener. Thanks for posting this.

      1. Me either, and it makes me wonder is it that I’m getting an ego boost being the one . But , the reality is she is the main person, he centers our time on her.

    2. I too thought about that and at first I thought I would bit after nearly 3 years I would not be able to trust him. He messaged me a few days ago and I caved and responded today. He replied immediately telling me he still loves me and always will and he was at his happiest when he was with me but hello.. He is in counceling trying to fix his marriage and nothing else has changed. I could kick myself for replying but I will not met him it is just too dangerous I even have stopped going to the gym so that I won’t bump into him. Why do they have such a hold over us??

      1. You’ve raised a great question which is why do they have such a hold over us and I think it’s because they fill an emotional void in us even though we know we should not be with them they satisfy a need emotionally and we fear that once we end it that we will suffer from the absence. However, we suffer now too because it’s not a complete love.

      2. Hi CW,
        You answered your own question, it is control NOT love. Love doesn’t do this, control, narcissism and greed (on their part) does this. You shouldn’t stop going to places you might see him, that is showing him that he still has this “control” over you. I use to do the very same thing, and as I got older I realized that this is exactly what he wants. He want’s to bump into me, drive past me and see me at the store or car wash. For 9 months I was feeling better and better about myself and began to realize that I was going to be able to do this, finally. Then my weakness overcame my emotional stability and I too responded to his constant texts. I should have blocked him, hell I almost changed my number. But my oldest son told me that why should I, that I shouldn’t allow him to have such control over my life, and that I should just learn to be strong and ignore him. I threatened him with sending any text message he sent me to his wife, and for 9 months it worked. Then I began to get texts telling me how much he loved me and missed me and that I was the “love of his life”. As I’ve gotten older I have begun to react with more reason, more callousness and have been hardening my heart little by little, even though I still love him, just not as much as I did when I first met him. Obviously I am not the love of his life, he married that woman. But he says he was “tricked” into marrying her (she proposed to him and he stupidly said yes) and I told him he was an adult and that he knew what he was doing when he said yes. But just to reaffirm that their hold on us is all emotional, and it is manipulation, not love. CW you need to remember that and find the inner strength that we all have and walk away. Yes its going to hurt, yes it’s going to feel like hell and yes you will want him back, but he is someone else’s husband. There is no changing that, unless he comes back and has a divorce decree in his hand, your better off without him. And even then, you may see the “real” him if you had a chance to spend all your time with him and you may not like who he is on a daily basis. His counseling is nothing but a ruse, he deceiving you by going to “counseling” and he’s deceiving his wife by pretending to try to fix their marriage. Don’t beat yourself up over responding to him, it’s part of living and learning and it’s happened to all of us, after 9 months of rehab I responded to him and I am once again trying to leave him. We’re human, we make mistakes but what is important is that we learn from them.

        1. Hi Roni
          Thank you for your message. I agree it can’t be love. He he loves me the way he says he does he would be with me. He has started messaging daily again and I tried to only respond with neutral answers but he tells me I have changed and am boring. He then told me how depressed he was as things are not changing (surprise surprise) I told him he can’t change his wife that is who she is and he must stop comparing me to her. I too am trying to move on with this guy I met he is a really nice guy but nothing like my mm it is so hard and I should heed my own advise and not compare but I honestly feel that my mm is the man for me. We have in the past spent alot of time together even gone away together. It is so frustrating but I know deep diwn he won’t leave his wife as people have said in this post because they are cowards and he knows I am always there for him. He came to visit last night and I don’t need to elaborate what happened so I am right back at square one again…. This is a vicious cycle and again he is probably feeling guilty so will not message me today and when I do get a message he will say again we can’t keep doing this and we must stop messaging and I fall for it each darn time. So ladies if you can stop and you have stop communication don’t go back I know it is easier said than done. You need to block him in all social media and his phone number so he can’t phone and SMS you. As much as it was wonderful to see him I feel dreadful this morning and I want off this Rollercoaster it is no fun at all.

    3. It is a very difficult question. I never had this question before I decided to leave and started to google stuff relating to this topic. I was in a 12 year long relationship with my m.m. Then I just took off. Thanks to this amazing group of ladies I am able to manage the pain of being apart. For the whole length of the relationship I never asked him to leave his family, I never asked to promise anything, I never asked about his wife and why he is not happy with her. Because I didn’t want to know I didn’t get the answers and promises that potentially would be a lie. If in some parallel universe he left his family to be with me I would probably have a discussion where cheating won’t be considered a relationship breaker and that he is free to leave if meets someone else he wants to be with.

    4. Hi Notanga,
      I had always heard that if he cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you, and I don’t know if that is true in all cases. I’d ask him this very question, because after all we’ve been together longer than some married couples we know. The thing is, and this is my opinion, it depends on the man. It’s not an easy question to answer, it will never be easy to answer this question. Unless you both have very good communication and are for the most part honest (not counting the affair) you will be able to talk about anything. But with that said, let me ask you a question, would you want to be with this MM 100% of the time? I don’t know how long you’ve been together, but take it from someone who has been in the trenches for almost 20 years, I use to think I did and that I could make him happier than his wife could. But then about 13 years into our relationship I began to notice subtle personality traits about him that would annoy me.
      That is when I began to realize, and really think to myself, do I really want to be with this man 24/7? And the answer is no, as recently as a couple of weeks ago we began an argument over politics (politics, we were arguing over POLITICS!) and he has this annoying habit of talking over me and interrupting me all the time! This is why I have begun (yet again) to distance myself from him because I’ve outgrown him over the course of our affair. Since we’ve been together I have graduated with my Bachelors and my Masters and have gotten what I consider my dream job. And he had NOTHING to do with it! And I thought to myself, there is no way I am able to handle this man on a daily basis and actually be happy. So you see Notanga, it goes way deeper than just trust, it has to do with the dynamic of your relationship and how you get along, communicate and can you handle him on a full time basis. But ultimately the bottom line is, he’s married to someone else and is keeping you on the side because MM having affairs are greedy, selfish, self-absorbed and self-centered and only think of themselves. Trust my dear, is only the tip of the iceberg, so think long and hard about this, do you and can YOU handle him on a full time basis? And will YOU be happy if he gave you that chance?

      1. Wow you have made awesome points. And, as i think about it. I really don’t think I want to be with him all the time because I don’t know him. I know the him I see in short intervals. But what about the 24 hour him. Great point I think I’ve been so fixated on having him all to myself all the time that I never really thought about that I only know parts of him. But, we talk a lot on the phone and we have a lot in common socially and politically. But that’s not the same. Plus I’ve come to like my freedom to come and go. It’s like my mom says be careful what you ask for you might just get it. I agree about the trust factor. You don’t know what led to the disintegration of the marriage so it’s difficult yo say what would occur but we know that they would cheat if things get tough.

    5. I was married too. Abusive. Left 7 months ago. Began seeing MM over a year ago. I’ve never really expected MM to leave. But in my separation process, I’ve just come to see how dumb I am. In both relationships. Husband was emotionally abusive, addicted, and passive aggressive. Yeah MM he’s sweet, le, coffee bearing and good in bed, daily sweet texts, says I’m attractive and lovable; things I’ve never experienced. I was married at 19 and stayed for 26 years. To feel free and easy that way, with MM, sigh. To have that small connection in my new mid divorce, all alone life, candy. But no, I wouldn’t trust him. And worse than that, I’d just never be able to get past that he’s already answered, a thousand times! Running home if wife is catching on, not meeting because he can’t get away, knowing it’s only his perspective I get, but hearing in ALL WAYS, he’s not available won’t risk an hour if she’s home or has chores for him. He’s weak. He’s resentful and too afraid to confront or make her suspicious. Disrespectful and dishonerable to her (though he speaks highly of her ie her one flaw is she wont touch his penis) when he is with me; but rigid no matter what about not deviating from his home life for me. Unable to ask for what he needs of her. Or is lying to me. Of course I wouldn’t trust him. But, the saddest part is he’s already answered a hundred times over that he wouldn’t choose me. I’ve known how inevitable it is for months. And I keep begging for more. He’s weak unavailable, cue me! Last time MM & I were together I silently cried much of the time. He sometimes swiped my tears, fed me pizza, said sweet words, and made love while I cried. Then ejaculated on my face. After he quickly hurried home to his wife. No getting past that. Not only no trust, but I would not accept him anyway. Still seeing him though! Ladies thats relationship with MM. The first thing you know about each other is you are dishonest passive cheats ♡

  48. Hi ladies, I felt a break up was imminent. I was totally wrong. I’ve got a date with a single man soon but still can’t find my way to end it with the m.m. There’s a part of me that would love for him to deal with me having a 3rd party and he could see how it feels. I know that’s immature thinking.

  49. Hello Ladies, I’ve decided it’s going to end. Today he and his wife went to a pastor and his wife, she forced it but he’s still going. They went to these people in Feb and he broke up with me then 2 days later we got back together. But the point is she is his priority not me. We had a big fight last week because he won’t acknowledge the relationship despite the fact that he says how much he loves me. I suspect it’s going to be another break up but this time I really hope so because it takes me off the hook from having to break up with him. I could kick myself for getting involved with him. It will never ever happen again. I feel like an idiot that I fell in love with a married man

    1. Hi Notanga,
      I think we all feel like idiots for falling for a married man. But lets be honest, we don’t go out and make that one of our life goals. It’s not something we want for ourselves or expect, but it happens. I know all too well what your going through, its not only painful and heartbreaking to know that they are “trying” with their wives. Because they either tell us outright or imply they are not happily married, and we think that we’re the ones that are going to make them happy. Do not blame yourself, like I’ve said before it takes two to fall in love and no matter how much they tell us they love us, they love themselves more. Don’t despair, you can and will go on without him in your life and you will be so much better off without him.

      1. Update: he said the counseling makes it better for me and him. He essentially lied to the counselors and his wife because he has seen me romantically 5 times since the counseling session which was her idea not his. I still cannot muster the strength to end it. I really love him and nobody has done the financial and emotional things that he has done ever.

        1. Hi, Notanga,
          I completely understand all the rationalizing, but only one thing you have to think about and really answer: are you happy with the situation and do the pros outweigh the cons?

  50. Hi Ladies, I’ve been reading all about your stories, and one, I’m not here to judge. I’m actually here to say that yes, it is hard to get away from a married man who constantly says he loves you but won’t leave his “real” life to be with you. How so I know this? (taking deep breath) I’ve been with my MM for over two decades, yes you heard that right, 19 freaking years! And I’m still trying to figure out how the hell to walk away from him. This last time I was almost there, I had read somewhere that it takes 17 months for you to get over someone. So I broke up with him, I walked away and told myself I deserved better than everything he’d given me. So although it hurt like hell, I did it. Then 9 months into my “rehab” I started getting text messages from him. Yes, I should have blocked him but after what I told him when I broke up with him I didn’t think I needed to. I had told him if I got another text or call from him I was going to take a screen shot of it and sent it to his wife. Pretty ballsy because I had never threatened him that way, so for 9 months he listened. Then I kept getting texts and I wouldn’t answer him. But one day (in a moment of weakness) I answered him and boom, here I am all over again. There is no doubt that the love I felt for him was once real. But now I believe it’s only that I’m use to having him in my life. I met him when I was 29 and he was 35, so now I find myself at 48 years old trying to figure out how the hell to leave yet again. I met him when I was married, and I had three boys with my ex-husband and I got a divorce because I too was in a very toxic and abusive marriage. So now my boys are men and living on their own and I’m still waiting for this @******* to make up his mind (still) about me! I know what I want, and it is no longer him, I deserve a man that can acknowledge my existence in his life, a man that can take me out in public, a man who isn’t a coward and will make up his mind!! Either stay or go, either way it’s a decision! I wish he’d just make it. I have waited over 19 years for him because he would tell me once his kids were grown and in college we’d be together. Well guess what? Both his kids are grown and one has already graduated from college and the other is in her sophomore year and I’m still alone! It’s conversations like the ones I found here that give women like me courage. The courage that we all get from each other’s experiences and that even if we carry the stigma of being the “other woman” it’s not just our fault. A marriage is a equal partnership, and when that partnership breaks its both the two people involved that are at fault. As the “other woman” I have been privy to conversation from other women who’s husbands are cheating on them calling the mistress all kinds of names. And I sit there thinking, just because you have that ring on your finger that doesn’t mean you stop trying. Anyway I’m so glad that I found this site and the conversations of all of you. You are all so inspiring and all I have to say is keep staying strong, and if the strength is fading some days, remember that you deserve better and you should find it! Even if it’s not with “him”, you deserve so much more than he is willing to offer. I hope to finally get away from this man who has haunted my life for over 19 years and I even if I don’t meet someone else. I’ll know that I did the right thing for myself and no one else did that for me. Stay strong ladies!!!

    1. Wow, two decades. I am definitely not judging. Life is so many shades of grey. You’re going to take as long as you need and do it in your own way. I know people have a lot of advice about these types of things, but everyone’s experience differs, and we need to accept it. Don’t feel guilty or regret; learn from it all.

    2. Wow 19 years. I needed to read your message. I believe my breakup is imminent and while it’s going to crush me, I will eventually survive and get over it. At this point, can you even let him go. I’m struggling after a year.

      1. Notanga,
        Just let me say that you are definitely stronger than you give yourself credit for. But don’t be fooled, it will be hard, it will tempt you in every way possible. It might even come close to breaking you, your spirit and of course naturally your heart. But with that said, you will recover, it will get better with each passing day you just need to keep remembering that you are worthy of everything he is NOT giving you because he is attached to someone else. That is why I think of it as “Relationship Rehab” because we actually go through all the emotions, we go through times of certainty, we go through emotional turbulence and the worst part, we go through relationship withdrawal. Which is the absolute worst feeling there is, you feel this anxiety that in a split second you just want to hear from him and you need to know he still loves you. But it’s an illusion, nothing will ever come from it. That’s why I consider it rehab, and the more I try the more I realize how much stronger I am getting. I told him a while back that the day I no longer cry for him is the day he needs to fear because that means that I’ve become indifferent to him, how he feels and his situation. I’m almost there, and I will try again because I know I, just like you deserve better. We deserve to be “THE” woman, not the “other” woman. So hold on, take a deep breath and forge ahead into your version of rehab and don’t look back. It may take more than a couple times for you to start to feel better. But that’s okay, the fact that your trying is the most important thing you can do for yourself.

    3. Hi Roni,
      In the 9 months of rehab, did you gradually feel that this was it, he’s never going to return?

      One month ago, I whatsapp my exMM it’s over, I don’t want him anymore, break up clean. Over the past 1yr, we went through shameless times of no contact. Eventually he also decided to let go because of his guilt and fear and perhaps he realised we were a fantasy after all.

      I’m still grieving about being forsaken and losing him. I want him to return and also to remove him from my life. The latter is the right thing to do

      1. Hi Nomad,
        To answer your question, yes I did think that was it. I thought that I had finally reached that pinnacle that was going to get me out of the emotional whirlpool I had been in for 19 years. And then, just like that all my hard work, all the emotional self-reassurance, my confidence and self-respect went out the window. And for what? For him to compartmentalize me exactly where I had been for the 19 years of my relationship. I’m tired of being on the back burner, and I’m no longer compliant with what he feels, thinks or wants. I’ve started to go out with friends, I have begun to get fit (I recently lost 26 lbs!) and I am gaining my self esteem back. So Nomad, you can do this, it’s an emotional ploy they use (love) because they know they can. You need to really think about it and then rationalize why you are better than where he has you.

    4. Roni- you are waiting for him to make up his mind. I think he did many years ago. And it was to keep you AND his marriage. So he strings you along to keep you. It dioesnt feel like a decision because its not how you think. But there is your answer. Im on a similar boat. Your post is opening my eyes. His decision is no decision. Take back your life. You deserve so much more. I do too. Im struggling.

      1. You are absolutely right. I thought my break up was imminent because they went to a counselor all he did was placate her in counseling and he still wants to be with me. So, that’s how these m.m who are in these relationships decide. They decide to be with both. And one person the wife doesn’t realize that they aren’t letting the other go. I have tried to end it and I can’t because thinking about it being over is very hard

        1. May I ask do you guys still continue to have sex with your mm or are you just friends? I have come to an agreement with my mm that I will continue to be friends with him just because i feel our friendship and bond is like no other, but I will no longer to continue anything sexual with him and so far he’s respected my wishes. He sometimes drops coffee at my door step for me in the morning by my door without seeing each other, we meet for lunch sometimes and just have a great lunch together with no kissing, no nothing. So far he’s been respectful in that aspect which reassures me it’s not just about sex with me.

      2. Findingmyway,
        It will always be a struggle to get away from someone who will NEVER decide because it’s in his best interest. MM that have both their “legitimate” life and a mistress are cowards in my eyes. Yes I am the other woman, but for as long as I have been someone’s mistress only in my 40’s did I realize that I deserve much more than he was willing to give me. Your struggle will be hard, and we need to do what they won’t, we need to think of ourselves in order to break the cycle of this toxic relationship. Because that’s what it is, its toxic because healthy love doesn’t do this, deception does. And the worst thing about all of this is that they know that we love them so much, that we’d do anything (and have) to make them happy. And for what?!? For them to keep us on the side or on the shelf until they need us? Your struggle will be well worth the fight, and you will eventually find out that we need to love ourselves before anything or anyone else. Stay strong, rehab is never easy but we can all do this!

        1. Roni you are so right. These men are cowards and deep down only care for themselves. Why would one do this, knowingly deceiving someone for so long, if they had an ounce of courage and integrity they’d at least be honest with her. I think if he was honest with me he knows I’d be gone. He still swears he will leave. Its over 5 years now. Lots of personal life set backs for us both but still ultimately no excuse really justifies this continuing.I did read a book that empowered me to set my own deadline. I did and I told him what it was. He said he will meet it. I am seriously doubting that. I feel SO much better though because I know its ending one way or the other. Ive also started branching out and away from him in all sorts of ways. It feels so good Im almost tempted to scrap the deadline and just walk away sooner rsther than later. I think the freedom Im feeling is telling me something. I just am so shocked there are so many of us on the same boat. All with a slightly different version of the same story.

    5. Wow..I am so deeply touched by what you wrote. It brought me to tears. I believe seeing yours and others stories and comments are God’s way of giving me strength for what I know must be done. I have been seeing this man for almost three years. We began as friends for about a year. I was at the end of my marriage at that time. What drew us together was our siimilar struggles in marriage. He has remained married to someone who he has had no intimidate relationship with for many years for the sake of his children. Because there is no intimacy between him and his wife (they only speak to one another when it involves the kids and sleep in separate rooms), I didn’t see this a real “affair.” at the time.. How dumb and naive I was! I didn’t plan on falling in love. And I can honestly say I have been unhappy ever simce. I consider myself fairly intelligent person, and I can’t believe I let this go on for so long. I am equally shocked at how difficult it has been for me to let him go. I have tried so many times. I am constantly plagued by feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, and insecurity. These turbulent emotions have caused me to react to situations and behave in ways that are so out of character for me. In the midst of the craziness I somehow managed to fall deeper in love with this man over time and have thus become more and more unhappy. I’m trying very hard to see my unhappiness now as a good thing because it has made me realize how important it is now for me to find a way to end this. I constantly pray for strength and guidance. I truly believe coming across this article and reading everyone’s stories were a Godsend. It helps to know your not alone in this. Thank you for sharing.

  51. He was my boyfriend about 9 years ago. I left my home country to study abroad. He supported me all the way suddenly we lost contact. We went our separate ways. Got back to my home country 4 years ago. He contacted me severally, wanted to marry me,but I wasn’t ready. I blocked him on all social media networks and changed my phone number. He kept on calling my parents that he loves me but I warned him not to. He got a girl pregnant 2 years ago and in the 8th month of her pregnancy, he married her. He keeps uploading my pictures on his social media account. Just 2 month ago, I contacted him to please bring down my pictures from his facebook. He was glad I contacted him. He begged to see me, wanted to catch up on old times. He claims not to love his wife that he married her because she got pregnant. He wants to marry me. Says I make him happy. The truth is I love him,no-one has made me feel the way he made me feel in the past 2months. But this will cause pain to his wife and son. Honestly,i didn’t plan for things to turn out this way. I now regret contacting him. I don’t know how to go about it. I really don’t want to be the reason for another woman’s tears and I want this love to fade away.

  52. Hi everyone, I’m trying to make a decision to break up with my m.m. his wife found out about us 9 months ago, he promised her it would stop but it never did, she has rightfully so been having meltdowns about the affair. He still wants to be with me and I him, but deep down inside I know it’s wrong but I can’t leave him. I’m trying to toughen up feel the pain and end it. I love him too.

  53. I had an affair with a m.m for 4 years. The 4th year was all about ending, trying to end, running back, trying to end etc. etc. I was broken, emotinally a wreck and I knew I do myself wrong on all levels. I was lonely, hungry for a man to hold me and love me. Hoping he would leave his wife and unite with me. I have wrestled with myself to see what is really going on. He cannot love me, because if he did he would not want me to suffer that much. He cannot be anything to me because he is married. I felt lost and used. He controlled everything . It took me over a year to dry my tears, heal my heart and soul and find my strength. To stay strong in my decision, realising that I deserve so much more then crumbs of his time on his terms, and being kept a secret, the dirty secret in his life. I deserve to shine in the light instead of being kept in darkness and behind locked doors. I deserve so much more!! And all of us women do!!! We just have to realise how beautiful, strong, worthwile and deserving we are!! I send to all of us Peace, Love and Light. Start loving yourself and stop letting the wrong men use and abuse your heart, sould and spirit.

    1. Wow I wish I could be strong like you. 4 years wow. This has been a year for me. What was the motivating incident

    2. Thank you moonlight! I’m fighting for the strength to stay strong in my decision of stopping the contact. The hard part is a work with him so I have to deal with him regardless and it’s so hard to just keep things on a professional level, but I’m sticking to it so far. It’s been about a week and a half and I’m a complete emotional rollercoaster. It hurts me more than anything that I feel used and taken advantage of as I should have never fell for his lies of loving me and i did. I completely fell in love with him and let him get so close to me when I shouldn’t have. I let him into my heart and I shouldn’t have. I have been crying everyday on and off while trying to be happy and keep a smile. I hope over time the feelings will just fade away as I feel sad, angry, fooled.

  54. I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for two years now. He lives two hours from his work so he lives with me during the week and commutes home for weekend since my house is closer to his work. I live in the country middle of nowhere moved here to get away from a bad breakup and I felt like MM saved me. He changed my life in so many ways and was teaching me how to become a better woman. My children look at him like there father he’s so great to them. However he’s living a whole second life with me and his wife has no idea for over two years. He’s convinced me that I won’t find someone like him. He’s absolutely beautiful physically emotionally all of the above. He’s met my family we have traveled to my home state together but it’s getting so tiring living my life as a lie. However I’m so scared of a life without him. My lease is up in July and I’m thinking of moving back to my home state and moving on my life from him. His wife has recently opened up and is willing to try new things and its seemed to ignite something new in there relationship. Which means my relationship with him is completely different because he doesn’t need me for what he needed me for before. I know maybe I should be happy about there new found spark in there relationship but it’s painful for me I’m just tired of always competing with her to be better and to please him more. I also feel it’s impossible for me to break it off until I move elsewhere because I live in the middle of nowhere and the only reason why I’ve stayed so long is because I met him. I have no one here but him and my children. I’m jealous of there new found excitement in there relationship and I find myself acting different towards him and his response is I’m supposed to just be fun for him. He didn’t sign up for more drama in his life but how am I supposed to just shut off my emotions. I’m tired of hurting and making excuses to my family and children about where he goes all the time. I have no one to talk to because everyone thinks I’m in this amazing relationship with a great guy. I think it’s time for me to take charge of my own life and stop allowing him to have control over me as if I’m his toy to do all the things his wife doesn’t. I know I can do this. Just a lot easier said then done. Sorry for long rant. I truly have no one else to discuss this with. My heart hurts. Am I a bad person for allowing this to go on as long as it has?

  55. I’ve been involved with a m.m for almost a year and while there have been exhilarating times, the frustration of not being with him when I want to is difficult. Supposedly it’s all going to end when he’s finished building a house which I doubt. At any rate, I never intended to get involved with him like this, we were going to be just friends and it esvulayef. I love him very much and it’s difficult. I’m trying to end it.

  56. Hi.. im in a relationship with married man.. we were friends for 3 years.. we’re on a relationship for 1year and never knew that his married since He migrated to different country. I just knew that he’s married when i accidentally added his brother on facebook and saw his pictures with his wife.. they just got married same year when we started our relationship. I have confronted him and he told me that he’s waiting for the month of december to tell everything because he will go back to our country. He told me that he’s scared to tell me because i might break up with him and He told me that he will divorce his wife once he was able to earn and save for the divorce fee.. he told me that i am his life and im his everything.. i am so much inlove with him.. but i dont know what to do? Will i wait until december or should i break up with him?

    1. URGENT HELP NEEDED PLEASE!!
      Please somebody help me I am just about to cave in yet again and unblock this married guy from my phone, please some words of encouragement really needed right now.

      Thank you

      Anne

      1. I’m fighting the urge too. Long weekend. Knowing he has time.. I’m missing him. I won’t though. Trying to keep boys. Remind yourself why this isn’t going to help. You will just have to pull the bandaid off again and start the healing over.

        1. Joanne,
          I’m fighting the urge as well. Thank you for the reminder that we will just end up in the same predicament. I’m hurting inside, upset, but even through this discomfort of healing know that this too shall pass.

      2. Long weekend…not so great when you’re fighting the urge, but it’s totally doable. Do something that will make you happy: cleaning the house; dinner with a friend; going on a hike; having a great workout; going for a long walk; pamper yourself at the spa; day trip to park, etc. It’ll remind you how you are and can be happy without him. I allowed myself to pick at his social media once today and that was all I am doing this long weekend. Continue to be brave and REMEMBER HOW AWFUL IT FEELS ONCE YOU DO CAVE. The reaching out, thinking you can handle if he doesn’t respond. You keep checking your phone or email, hoping he’ll say something. If he never does all weekend or the following week, you will feel SOOO REJECTED. If he does respond, you’ll start the cycle all over again and will soon enough be at this point trying to get over him.

      3. Anne,
        I feel your pain. I am also fighting the urge of teaching out. This is the first day of no contact for the 100th time. I hate this vicious cycle of pain and hurting, I am just fighting to be strong and as bad as it hurts, I know the situation will never change so all we can do is push forward through the discomfort and pain through this healing process. I know this too shall pass. I’m determined to stay strong and I urge you to do the same as we deserve so much more. We don’t deserve to go through this pain and suffering that we endure by sticking to the bad cycles. Hugs sent to you dear.

      4. Subconsciousness

        Dear Anne,

        Please don’t cave in.
        I was in a relationship with mm for 12 years, he never promised anything, I never asked him too. I left. No regular contact, onc email per month allowed. I will always love him, deep in my heart.
        The first month is the hardest. Then it slowly goes away. I don’t feel bad about being with him for so long. I don’t feel bad that he was a cheater. I didn’t create a list about all the things I hate about him. I just don’t think that I love him the same way I used to.
        Women are much stronger than men. We can survive a break up.
        I am sending all my love to you.

      5. Subconsciousness

        Dear Anne,

        Women are much stronger at surviving break ups, no matter which ones, the singe or the mm. You are one of those beautiful and powerful women who can put their foot down when the right time comes. You are not at war with yourself, you love yourself! That is why you ran away from this man in the first place. The freedom you are feeling is much much more satisfying!!
        I am sending you all my love.

      6. Anne and Joanne keep strong he is not worth it. He is at home with his family whilst you are miserable. Go out with friends treat yourself to a new item of clothing don’t give him the satisfaction that you caved. He has his bread buttered on both sides. Show him you are happy without him and let him stew.

        1. Hi all, thank you so very much for all your words of encouragement I am literally only getting to read them all now, I just wish I had of last night a unfortunately I did Cave in in the end, I knew I would, but in a strange kinda way I’m glad that I did now as I got an answer off him today that I wanted all along.. we spent the entire evening texting to and fro, and of course I wanted to call him on the phone and no his excuse was that his little Daughter was up teething and he couldn’t talk, he never can… I put him on the spot today and he said that his main priority is his Daughter and when I told him it was a cop out and that he is staying to be with his Wife too, he said he is not prepared to walk away for someone ie me that hes only met twice.. so I thanked him for his honesty and said that after three years that’s the answer I really just needed to hear so now I am in bits and trying the healing process again for the millionth time but this time I will swing by here a lot more often as you guys have all helped me hugely in the past too. Thank you and much love to you all xxx PS he got a couple of pictures of me last night and he sent some too, just normal ones but when he asked me if I wanted a pick the red flag waved at me… such a jerk..

  57. I caved. Contacted him. Spent the evening with him last night. Nice dinner. Quick messing around after. Left me feeling totally reattached to him yet resenting him. We have an ongoing ‘joke’ about me and my not contacting him messages then message a few weeks later. I know this is wrong. I know we wouldn’t work even if he was single. Why can’t I just be done with this man.

    1. It happens to the best of us! It has happened to me way too many times to count. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

    2. Joanne, I know how you feel. I’ve had the same “joke” with the married man I was involved with. He stopped really believing me when I tried to end things or wasn’t surprised when I popped back up again after a period of no contact. I got sick of his smugness about it all. I just ended it again yesterday, and this time, I mean to keep it that way. I don’t trust him, even if he was single (he flirts with so many women, even ones who are young enough to be his daughter). I also started using an app called Mend for helping people heal after a breakup, and I feel it’s really helping. I know you don’t understand why you’re so attracted to his man and you’ve spent hours thinking about it, but this time, just accept that you do care and love this person even though he doesn’t deserve it. Now, after you’ve accepted it, learn to leave him behind, with those feelings and all. You don’t need to understand everything to know when it’s bad for you and makes you feel crummy. You’re flawed like everyone, but you DESERVE BETTER.

      1. Thanks. Yea. I am slowly coming to the conclusion that the ‘whys’ of it all doesn’t matter. It’s wrong. Things won’t change and if he ever did end up with me I wouldn’t trust him. I spoke with a counselor today. Helped a little. I deserve a normal relationship. Not something I have to hide or waiti around for the wife to be gone!

      2. Hi Lynn, I know exactly what you are going through.. This on again off again game is soul destroying. I to caved after one month of no Contact then the messaging started again and then he came to see me after not seeing him for two months. It was fine for a week or so and then the same story he can’t do this and has to give his marriage his all one final time. So it’s been a week and I have not heard from him and I won’t contact him. It’s done, finished, the door is finally closed. How are you doing? Be strong you deserve so much more.

        1. Hi, ladies. Thanks for the support CW! I am actually doing pretty well. Second full day since ending it for good and I am much much more hopeful that this it the final time. I am so appreciative to see that so many people in an affair are going through the same back and forth issue I am. The married guy I was with made no decisions about the whole thing and it was always up to me to say yes or no, and he made me feel like I was manic for being up about it one day and down about it a week later. Nope, this seems pretty common, and I am now even more determined to stick to my guns. Keep up the progress everyone!

          1. My third day no contact. Driving me a little nuts. Have had a lot of free time today and itched to message him. Nope. Nope. Nope.

    3. I completely understand how you feel. I’m in the same situation as you are. It’s been a year & a half & even though I find it toxic, it is really hard for me to leave. So many eligible single guys have been texting me but I keep getting back with my M. M. He has promised me he would marry me as soon as two years of our relationship is completed but I don’t believe him at all, he has said that he is trying everything he can to marry me but he is building a home for himself & his family at the moment. In spite of the fact that I know about all this, I keep going back to him & I hate myself for it. I even quit my job for him because I had to travel constantly and he didn’t like that. He is possessive & always jealous when I’m with friends & tries to control me. I do really want to let him go but I’m still trapped & can’t find a way out. Gosh I hate myself

  58. Ladies
    You all are feeling very angry, confused, guilty, manipulated, lonely, weak, and rejected. I could go on. LOVE true LOVE does not give you those feelings, yes you will say i don’t always feel that way but you shouldn’t feel like that at all. Yes Sometimes in relationship you can get angry with your partner but most of the time people are happy. LOVE to true LOVE lifts you up, makes you want to jump for joy. Is this relationship true love you should ask yourself or just to fill your married man time. You and he should want to tell the world. Not be hidden Iike some dark dirty secret. YOU deserve better , with what this affair has put you through the majority of the you would tell any one thinking about it NOT to do it. So you all have to be strong and take your own advice. Be strong and live the life you should with love peace and harmony.
    I wish you all well.

  59. Ladies
    You all are feeling very angry, confused, guilty, manipulated, lonely, weak, and rejected. I could go on. LOVE true LOVE does not give you those feelings, yes you will say i don’t always feel that way but you shouldn’t feel like that at all. LOVE true LOVE lifts you up, makes you want to jump for joy. You and he should want to tell the world. Not be hide

  60. Hi
    I m a divorced mother with 15 yr old daughter .I met a man in online matrimonial site.He told he divorced is on final stage.We met often n had intimacy .After 3 months down the line I found one day he is not only married person and enjoying fully completed married life.He persuaded me that he loves me more than anyone and I continued relationships with me.It almost 2 yrs.,and I started realized that every
    moment he tell lies.He hid everything to me.He is not at all true to me.He forces me to help him financially.After helping him ,he insults me,he abuses me.But like a foolish person ,I kept ignoring him.I love him unconditionally ,but I know he now didn’t.I feel completely shattered,used n cheated.Wanted to come out of this relationship but unable to.pls help

  61. I was the other woman while a married woman with a married man. Not sure how it happened or why I let it happen but it did. This man was my husband’s best friend which made it even worse. I would see him on weekends when they were at the house alone or as a married couple. It was finally ended on both parts and the pain was awful. So many times I wanted to send a quick text but stopped myself. Now it’s been almost a year and I haven’t seen or spoken to him. I never told my husband and he never told his wife. Once in awhile a song or an even will happen that triggers my memory. I wonder if that trigger will ever go away?

  62. Hi I am not the other woman. Or had an affair. I am married for 25 years, I am very happy my husband tells me he is very happy too. No i don’t think my husband is having an affair. But I could be wrong who knows . Yes I like millions of other women or men think that but, like every thing in life you have to have faith.
    My take on women or men but to me mostly women who have affairs with married men is because of REJECTION. Yes Let me explain
    Ok you go out with a single guy. The first few months are amazing your together all the time everything going great until one day he says Hey I really love you but I also want to be with my friends and family, your not breaking up just giving each other more space so you don’t get to spend as much time with him or her, because he is busy with his other interest. You will accept that maybe not very happy but accept it. Now you might want to come up with a way to be together more by maybe moving in together or something else and he may not be ready for that. Yes he says I would like to live with you or whatever you are suggesting one day but at the moment he is not ready for the next step in the relationship but you say what hell is he waiting for. It may not be because he doesn’t want to maybe he just needs more time. You are both enjoying the relationship as it is. Really you don’t want to rush into things, if it is still only new. But you will feel rejected. Why doesn’t he want to live with me or do the other request. You still feel rejected.

    On the other hand the married man is so so different. You see you go out with him. Maybe you know he is married maybe you don’t. Anyway you start a relationship with your married man and in the beginning it’s great he tells you everything that a single guy won’t. So now after some time you ask him about his marriage and how you can be together. He says yes baby i love you but at the moment I can’t leave, i have to think about the children the wife the whatever. I want to be with you, I want to live with you. I don’t want to go home to my wife. I don’t want to spend the week, weekend, nights with her I want to be with you. But because of the circumstances we will have to wait. But I love you, you know if I wasn’t married I would be at your door making a life with you at my side
    There it is, he wants to be with you. He wants you. But right now its not possible. You never feel rejected because he really doesn’t want to do those things but both of you have to wait. He keeps saying to you, you are the one i want, love, to be with not my wife, girlfriend. So in your mind he is not rejecting you. And you will hold on until that day comes and he is with you.

    See no rejection, not saying no not saying I won’t, but i cannot. Its not my fault.

    But for the majority of these relationships it won’t work.
    Thats what i think for what is worth. But all people having affairs no body wins. Only pain.

    1. Hi Rebecca,
      I can see how the whole rejection part can play a factor. Honestly, I must admit I am the other woman or I should say I was. It is down right a vicious cycle that I try to break from on and on again. I would have never thought I would be the other woman or even ever consider it, but here I am battling the struggle of avoiding him, blocking communication, trying to constantly fight the internal battle of what is reality and falling for the trap that he truly loves me, I’m his soulmate, the love of his life and whatever words he chooses to tell me to lure me in and keep the communication going. I have to admit. I would never wish the torment I’ve been through in this situation on my own worst enemy. It is a battle I ask God, why me? Why do I find myself in this situation battling such a situation? Such internal struggle? At worst, I just want to forget everything, the entire situation, but it’s hard when I work with him and I even have to have an ounce of communication with him or from him. I have found myself in such a hard struggle, I wish it would all just go away and stop eating me up internally.

      1. Hi Shea
        I am truly sorry for what you and other woman are going through. I imagine it is just as painful for the spouse. Thank God i think my husband has not had an affair I would be devastated.
        Really my husband and I are best friends. Now I know people are going to say thats what every spouse thinks. But i will tell you how i think that’s true. My father cheated on my mother, my father had told me the same story no sex with my mother etc. Now that may be true I will never know. So I made an effort with my husband to be intimate often. Now as well as husband and wife we are best friends. We always joke around with each other just like you and your friends would. An example a couple of years ago after being intimate I asked my husband if he loved me. He said with a straight face, well I just f@@ked you didn’t I. And I laughed so hard. See we should always have to joke with our partners. We are always giving each other stick.
        Everyone needs to be loved and to love back. I do realize it is very easy to get carried away with our emotions. The feeling and emotions a married man or any man can stir within us can be indescribable. He is telling you everything you need to hear. Your beautiful, sexy, desirable, everything i want in a woman. Everything my wife/husband is not. Yes that is true because we all take our partners for granted. There was a time when their wife/husband was everything to them. There was a time when they were telling their spouses everything that they said to you. And because they were free they ended up marrying them. Now lets be realistic unless they were forced to marry them, everything he felt for you he felt for her at the beginning of their relationship that is why they married. But now years on life is soooo boring. Wake up, work, home, fam

          1. Thank you Rebecca. This has been hard on me as I feel that I am in love with him, but not only that when allow the contact, we get along so well and talk just like we are best friends. He is more than just someone I love, I just have that connection with him and a friendship that I don’t want to lose, but ultimately know there’s no other option than to cut the connection. He’s married for heavens sake. It’s just hard since I do work and deal with him at work so it’s not like I can cut off the contact completely. It’s a real struggle. He makes all these promises and tells me things that I want to hear so that stick around and keep the connection with him, but I just don’t understand why he just can’t have that connection with his wife instead of insisting the connection with me? He says he loves me, has never felt or had a connection like we have, but yet he’s not with me so I just struggle! As of this morning, I decided to cut the communication again and not respond to him although it kills me inside. I have four days off of work and trying to use these days off to cut the contact.

        1. Hi Shea
          I can imagine you love him and he loves you. I believe you when you say you both have a connection . You say he loves you, your best friends and tells everything you want to hear, but he is still with his wife .
          Love is meant to lift you up, make you happy fill you with joy, if his love is not doing that it is not love at all, because when you truly love someone you would never want them to be unhappy or hurt them you would rather cut your heart out than hurt them. Are you always happy?
          He still has a connection with his wife its just a bit fractured, sometimes
          we convince ourselves one thing so we can justify the other. As i have said partners take each other for granted.
          You are new and exciting even if you have been together for awhile living with someone is a real eye opener you ard still fresh because you both are still showing your shiny sides he may even be in love with you, but do you want to miss out on the best years of you life for someone who will not be yours.
          Before my husband and I were married we went to a house warming party. I meet this guy there and i honestly felt a connection to him. We talked all night. On the Monday after he called me at work and asked me to go out with him. I really wanted to because i felt such a connection to him. I told my boyfriend about him and said i wanted to go. My boyfriend angrily to me to go out with him if i wanted to. I didn’t go out with him, yes i still wonder what would have happened if i went out with him. Would i have a better life. But i knew then that i couldn’t through away 4 years with my boyfriend, that i knew and trusted and go out with him for 1 month, 6 months or more and then he break up with me. Or i realize i made the worst mistakes of my life, with my life the way it is now it would have been the worst mistakes..
          i love my life and i would have miss out on the best thing my husband. I never wanted to hurt my boyfriend, because i truly loved him my heart would be broken beyond repair to know i caused pain to someone i loved.
          Because you cannot leave you will never know what kind of life and love you could have. You are preventing yourself from having a fullfilling life.

          1. Thank you, Rebecca. Today, I have yet again gathered enough courage to walk away once and for all. I just want to heal completely from this situation. I can longer accept and believe the lies. I have accepted he may have feelings for me, but it’s just not enough. I know I deserve better and deserve to be loved fully in every way. Today, I chose the path of not responding to his multiple messages and will continue to no longer respond. I need to remove myself from the pain I have endured.

      2. Shea
        I could only imagine what you and other woman are going through. I can and do know what you and other woman feel when you are getting to know your MM, because i felt that way about my husband when i was getting to know him. Your MM tells you everything that you need to and want to hear. Your beautiful, tick, your sexy, tick, your desirable, tick, wonderful etc. You also have made your married man feel the same way . I’m sure most MM do have a great deal of affection for you. Is it love I don’t think so. I am sure he may feel he loves you but he really just loves the way you make him feel.

        If he has been married a while he can feel disconnected to his partner and we can all begin to take each other for granted. Now there are some partners who are not very nice and therefore their partners may stray. But sometimes the partners may not be nice because of the partners straying.
        My sister in law is an example she was married to her husband for many years they are divorced now. He had had several affairs. Now while they were together my husband and I went to their house for dinner or family get togethers and we have seen her treat her husband badly belittling him and being unpleasant. Now was she unpleasant because of his affairs or because she was an unpleasant person. Who knows

        You should also should remember that your MM had felt the same way about his wife when he was courting her that he says he feels about you now or when you were together . He had loved her thought she was beautiful, sexy, desirable, and because he was single and at that time, and he felt he needed to have her in his life he asked her to marry him. Now unless there’s extenuating circumstances, or he had been pressured into marrying her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Yes we can change our minds and thats fine but they way these men behave it is not fair to have an affair.

        I am happy you are out of the affair, working with him would make it harder for you both. But just remember if he lies and is deceiving to his wife he can and probably is lying and deceiving you. Sometimes what he says and what is really happening in his marriage can be two different things I hope you can continue to be happy and heal. When the time is right you will find the man of your dreams.
        .
        I certainly did.

      3. what I have is totally ridiculous we have only ever met the twice and even at that was at occasions ie wedding and birthday occasion etc.. its been almost three years and I still find myself on the same emotional rollercoaster with him no matter how hard I try.. Its only an online thing with text messages with the occasional phone call but only when hes had a drink or is bored Id say.. Hes married with a baby about two years of age and I am single, separated about two and half years with grown up teens.. am I that desperate that I cling to what he says to me which is all rubbish really and I know this in my own head and mind.. for such an intelligent woman I can be quite dumb and perhaps desperate to want for him to contact me at all.. he is a slimebag end of.. theres a set pattern here, he text me I ignore he chases I ignore more I block him then unblock him then answer then hes delighted then I cop onto reality and the very next day say get lost basically in the best way I can and trying to be having my morals and remain respectful.. then it starts all over again the longest bout for me to abstain at all was just recently from February till now so about three months.. now hes back texting cause I actually got in touch to say hi very stupidly.. someone please help me see the light here as it is slowly really driving me insane.. its horrible and I cant stand it any longer so why am I hanging on? PS interestingly enough he never gave out about his Wife and always said that he wasn’t expecting to feel the way he did about me blah blah blah, you get the jist, but now for first time ever hes saying they not getting on for last month for me to keep it to myself and that their relationship is very toxic at the moment.. so me being the dumbass that I am sent him a request on Facebook and he rejected me but still continues to leave messages open to keep in contact, and also his Wife has liked his recent picture in the last 24 hours so I said it to him that things musnt be that bad after all he said how could she not like that photo.. what an absolute asshole.. Please someone help me stop this downward spiral I’m in my 40’s and hes about 5 years younger shes even younger again, please help. PPS I just cannot stop looking at my phone its annoying me so much. I even sent a long winded message this am to him stating how I will no longer take part in this scenario even if it is only texting. I feel so guilty and ashamed.

  63. I’m so stuck. I’ve been with my mm for years. I left my marriage that was toxic and whilst he helped me get the courage to leave him, I thought we’d be together. I’ve been moved out with my two gorgeous babies for a year now and I’m lonely and I feel so cold and down more than I am happy.
    I think I’m ready to move on but my dilemma is I work with him too. So once I call it quits, which we’ve tried on and off for whatever reasons, I beg it back and use whatever I can to make sure I have him and his love. It’s oathetic. I am pathetic. I feel like I can’t do anything without him. He’s a constant in my life we talk several times a day everyday at work or not. Before work. During. Meet up after work. Talk on way home. Chat online late in evening. I’m obsessed. Attached. Addicted and so is he.
    But I want more. And he can’t make the move…not yet anyways. I don’t know if he’s right for me anyway. The person I want he isn’t likely to be. But no one has loved me the way he does, the way he looks at me. He’s obsessed. I feel so comfortable but more than that he’s been here for me through everything possible. He’s my go to person for everything and anything. How do I break this? I do I stop? How do I carry on with my own strength without relying on him? How do we work together? How do I tell him without him getting annoyed at me for quitting and giving up before he’s ready?
    I want someone in my life that I can love. That I can show off. That I can hang out with. That I can depend on physically being there for me. That I can just be normal with. I know I thought he was different. I still believe he is. But there have been some red flags I’ve noticed in arguing I don’t like and that make me question if we’d be right. There are a few things I wouldn’t see if we would be suited as a normal everyday life but it’s so hard when all we have is nothing normal, so who’s to say the niggly little things we argue about (which is mainly to do with the situation were in) what if they didn’t exist and so we’d be great together? And what if I’m about to let go of the one amazing person who’s stood by me all these years and helped me and who’s do anything for me..except leave his wife just now..what if I let that go and i shouldn’t have?
    How do I break it off so he undersyamds my position and doesn’t get annoyed at me? So we can continue being friends and work together cos I’d like to still care for him and vice versa…
    any help or advice please?!?!?

    1. Oh wow… your situation reads exactly as if I read it. My ex husband left me but I know I was so caught up and preoccupied with my MM that I was driving my husband away. I probably didn’t really realise this until I read your post. Everything you’re feeling is me. From this forum I’m quickly seeing that many of the situations are the same. I’d be the first to say, yes but my situation is different. Yes the particulars vary but at the end of the day it’s exactly the same.
      We’re two years involved and now a few months now of having called it off as he won’t leave his wife just now. Our contact is minimal because neither of us can just cut ties, we tried it before and it’s like the temptation is bigger. We always find a way to get back in touch and when we do it’s like we make up for lost time.
      He has become a part of my circle of friends and we recently just had a weekend together. Both saying that we would be together over the weekend then go back to ‘nothing’ afterwards. The desperation in his looks and want for me was heartbreaking. We had an amazing weekend then just spotted back into our individual normal lives. The aftermath is horrible. I’m still trying to find opportunities or excuses to see him. He seems to be distant but this is what he does when he’s trying to focus on home, give it a few days and he stalks me.
      Through this forum I’m quickly learning that no contact seems to be the key. There’s a few women on her who have been brave enough to do this. Sadly I’m not one of them. I’m not strong enough. It kills me that I do t feel worthy or value myself enough to stop. I must Admit the time I have available now allows me to focus on my life and reconnect honestly with friends and my kids. Everyone else was secondary to him.
      I find I am losing a little bit of respect for him now too as last weekend he expected that I would fund his weekend away. It was interesting to see his behaviour hands when I told him that I won’t do that anymore. I felt like a cow but financially I actually can’t find him as I can’t afford it. This did also slightly empower me. Maybe this was the first of me dusting myself off. Who knows.
      So I do believe no contact is the best and in your situation. It seems as if that’s not really possible. Moving work but if it was me, I love my job and would hate to move.
      Sorry I don’t have an answer for you, but please know you’re not alone and that you’re supported here.
      Take care Cindy x

      1. Thanks Cindy. I don’t want to be naive nor a fool and waste what ‘youthful’ years I have left.
        I have someone else pursuing me at the moment and I really like him and he would suit me and my life soooo well. But my work I don’t want to leave, mm is saying I will progress but I have to trust him and be patient. I do believe him. But how do I leave him and keep my job happy.
        I need this man. He is like my muse; when everything between us is good I’m happy and confident and fine. When everything is not, I’m a wreck and feel like I can’t do anything.
        I don’t know what to do.

        Am I being the fool? He has a lot of potential and his work would be at risk if he just left her now. But would he even suit my little family lifestyle? How would he be with my children? They’re still so young. He’s been my most avid supporter all these years through so much; I feel like I am betraying him by leaving him.

    1. Oh honey, my heart just broke a little for you. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this. Really proud of you for taking back your control, you’ve done what I need to do.
      You’re a strong woman and you’ve got this!!! Take care of you today xx

      1. Thanks. I will be ok eventually. It’s the right thing to do. If I were married, I’d be so heartbroken if my husband was carrying on like this. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Maybe God will bless me sometime with a good man

    2. Thank you so much, Joanne, and all the other ladies for sharing. It is such a huge support to have you all in my life right now. I broke off my 12-year long love fantasy with my mm on April 26. I was going through a bit of roller coaster for a week. I was trying to distract myself every way possible but it is much harder to this on the weekend. This is the first weekend when I can’t wait to be back at work.

      Than you so much again.

      1. Hi Dana and Joanne,

        Just checking in on you both and wanting you to know you’ve been on my mind. I hope you’re doing ok. Yes weekends are so tough.
        I’m in the process of selling my marital home and I’ve just purchased another home. The stresses with doing this have been unbelievable, set back after setback.. but finally getting there. MM would’ve been there helping me make decisions and allowing me to vent.. it’s cutrently such a heartbreaking moment and also a powerful one. I’m making huge decisions on my own, something I haven’t done for a long time.
        We’ve tried the no contact but both seem to find an excuse or away to send of short ‘above board’ messages. I’m at the stage that I’m finding this more heartbreaking than not. There’s no more ‘good morning’ or goodnight messages. No pictures of his day. No pics of him.. I’m feeling disrespected and just more like he’s keeping me in the wings because he wants me there just in case.
        We had always organised to have ‘one last night’ once things in my world settled down and I’ve sent him a potential date, he’s jumped at the chance of a few hours with me in accom in Melb. The closer this night is getting, the angrier I’m feeling but I also want it as I know it’ll be amazing.. ggrr.. but why hey??

        Thinking of you. I found a few quotes which if I can I’ll post here..

        Take care – Cindy

        1. Won’t it make it harder to do the ‘one last night’ thing? I knew if I met up again it would most likely be the last time and I knew i would just be miserable. I sent a pic this weekend of me on vacantikn. Not good:(

          1. I think I’m actually agreeing with you now. The aftermath of our weekend away has been tough, contact was ramping up for a few days but then there’s been nothing the past few days. Anyway he’s just messaged now.. ‘how’s it hanging?’ So all the emotions instantly come back – want, desire, how can I see him, when can I see him, this time though I can also see that I’m slightly angry and feeling frustrated with myself for this. The one last time can’t happen in my case right now. Man this is tough… I now know that I would be going into the one last time with the hope that it wasn’t the last time. I need to value myself more than this.
            Thank you for your support.. I feel I’m getting there because I can at least see that catching up would be so bad for me. I’m making the smallest steps forward, still miss him everyday but there’s not as many tears. I know he’s gone. Sorry – starting to feel scatty … again.. xx

          2. what I have is totally ridiculous we have only ever met the twice and even at that was at occasions ie wedding and birthday occasion etc.. its been almost three years and I still find myself on the same emotional rollercoaster with him no matter how hard I try.. Its only an online thing with text messages with the occasional phone call but only when hes had a drink or is bored Id say.. Hes married with a baby about two years of age and I am single, separated about two and half years with grown up teens.. am I that desperate that I cling to what he says to me which is all rubbish really and I know this in my own head and mind.. for such an intelligent woman I can be quite dumb and perhaps desperate to want for him to contact me at all.. he is a slimebag end of.. theres a set pattern here, he text me I ignore he chases I ignore more I block him then unblock him then answer then hes delighted then I cop onto reality and the very next day say get lost basically in the best way I can and trying to be having my morals and remain respectful.. then it starts all over again the longest bout for me to abstain at all was just recently from February till now so about three months.. now hes back texting cause I actually got in touch to say hi very stupidly.. someone please help me see the light here as it is slowly really driving me insane.. its horrible and I cant stand it any longer so why am I hanging on? PS interestingly enough he never gave out about his Wife and always said that he wasn’t expecting to feel the way he did about me blah blah blah, you get the jist, but now for first time ever hes saying they not getting on for last month for me to keep it to myself and that their relationship is very toxic at the moment.. so me being the dumbass that I am sent him a request on Facebook and he rejected me but still continues to leave messages open to keep in contact, and also his Wife has liked his recent picture in the last 24 hours so I said it to him that things musnt be that bad after all he said how could she not like that photo.. what an absolute asshole.. Please someone help me stop this downward spiral I’m in my 40’s and hes about 5 years younger shes even younger again, please help. PPS I just cannot stop looking at my phone its annoying me so much. I even sent a long winded message this am to him stating how I will no longer take part in this scenario even if it is only texting. I feel so guilty and ashamed.

  64. Been back and forth with my married man for a year and half. Will end it then after a couple months I break down and message him. Have a dinner date set in a couple weeks. I know it’s a bad idea. It’ll end in hurt and I will feel used. Yet I don’t want to cancel after telling him to plan it. The emotional rollercoaster is ridiculous. I know I need to just end it and not put myself in bed with him again! Why is this so hard when I know what’s right and best?

    1. I’m in the exact same situation now. It was mutually ended and we lasted about a month. The thing is, it was his call., I’m doing everything he’s asking as he wants to focus on his family. We have kept messaging to a bare minimum which is maybe a few messages every few days. Last weekend I had a cycling trip with friends and he invited himself to come. We easily slotted back into our secret couple scenarios all while knowing that nothing has changed and we just slit back into our normal individual worlds. Was so easy at the time but now I’m the aftermath I feel like I’m back to square one. He has messaged a few times yesterday about cycling etc but we haven’t spoken about what’s happening. I told him that he sets the rules but can’t stick to them, he agreed. He said it would be easier if I found someone – obv this would make it easy for him. I agree when people say the only way to get over him is to have no contact, to take back my control etc… very hard when all that I want is him. You’re not alone Joanne. Take care. Xx

  65. ive been dating a married man for 3 years .His good to me sweet everything youve evr asked for & recently he bought me a car & wants to build for me a house but you know what hurts at the back of my mind is his not my man his engaged to someone else though he tells me he loves me may be he does but i dont want to have this life his wife found out about us & ive read there conversations where by he always defends me each time the wife talks about me .in all thing i feel what im doing is wrong dating a married man .yes some nights his at my place as he pays my apartment but some nights im all alone ,its cold im lonely it hurts like hell im now 28yrs wasting my youth with him may be im prettier sexir than the wife but thats the wife .All the truth hurts like hell but its the truth .He will never leave her for me though he wants me as a second wife but why should i be someones option.
    im just going to break it off & try to heal by myself make my self stroner because breaking up is the best thing i know i will hurt like heal damn his been so good to me in that even when the wife found out he sided with me but all this is wrong .Till when will i stay 2nd best .I will be back here in december 2018 to update you how i managed how many times i cried

    1. The one thing I learned from this is it doesn’t matter how pretty, good sex, good body, it doesn’t matter they are not leaving their wife. It makes me feel like an idiot

  66. My problem has turned out to be very unique and suffocating. I am 21 years old and I have been going to this gym since I was 14. As a stupid teenager I developed a crush over this gym trainer(married with children) but beyond day dreaming and butterflies never really expected it to develop into anything significant. But after three years he started training me. I was still pretty smitten but I didn’t reflect it at all. I am very reserved and we had bery little casual interaction. But over the years the interaction began to grow in a completely non platonic way. We used to talk about random stuff and nothing objectionable. He never shied away from mentioning he is married either. But then I kind of started getting these flirtatious messages from him which I just dismissed as being my imagination. But over the past three years I suppose our interaction great beyond seeing each other at the gym everyday. We went out on a few coffee dates and stuff but I always convinced myself that we are just good friends. But after that I started getting very strong signs showing his interest in me- he flirted, complimented, we texted late at night when his wife was out of town and I was so smitten that I just played along without realizing how deeply involved I am. Then he started initiate physical contact which I tried to resist initially but after a few months I gave in. We still haven’t had intercourse ( although it’s a prospect he is hoping to achieve soon) but we have done pretty much everything else. Throughout the process I had convinced that he was my first serious crush and i am too addicted to him to quit. We never have had a serious conversation about what we are but I know he is a family loving man and doesn’t plan on leaving his wife but simultaneously he also cares about me and gives me immense satisfaction. Lately I have been consumed by the idea that this relationship would not allow me to build my career now that it’s time to figure out my life. But the thought of moving on from him paralyses me. I can’t share this with my family which is immensely loving and caring. All this in the midst of my exams. I want a solution where I can gradually move on from him because right now the thought of not having him in my life is too difficult to fathom. So difficult that I am satisfied with whatever love he can offer throughout my life. Please help me find a middle ground while considering my present state of mind. I don’t think I will be able to.cope with it without professional help which I can’t get without my parents knowing. Will this relationship just fade away with time?

    1. I hate to tell you this but everything that’s happened to you has happened because this guy has been grooming you. I know you said that you were getting off any signs but you were also 17 and at 17 you haven’t even been alive long enough to know all of the unconscious signs that you were getting off that told him that you are either attracted to him or that he had a chance of encouraging you to be attracted to him. Even full-grown women aren’t aware of the signs that you give off that men certainly are. Once you gave off that we are not aware of but men certainly are. Once you started giving off those signs he decided to put you through what I call the “slow boiling frog” technique. If the concept that if you put a frog in water on the stove and then turn up the heat little by little and for an extended amount of time, then the fog may not realize that he’s getting hotter and hotter. By the time he realizes that he’s boiling, he’s already been cooked. This is what he’s doing to you. You gave off signs a told him that you were perfect candidate but he knew that he had to move slowly so that you wouldn’t recognize that he was drawing you in towards his goal. One of the things the guys typically do is test you to see if they can get away with certain behavior. It’s usually something small and seemingly innocent so you would notice it but it’s basically to see how you respond to his behavior. If you accept it, then he knows that he can go even further with you. But remember he’s adapting the “slow boiling frog” technique so it never occurred to you that when he texted you with those flirtatious messages that he was really trying to see how you would react to them. Would you delete them and then avoid him? Would you answer back as if you didn’t understand what he was doing? Would you answer his texts with quotations? By this time he probably observed enough about you to know that you wouldn’t do anything that would harm him like say-show his wife the text messages. But he wanted to see what you would do because that would tell him whether or not he can move on to groom you in other ways until you became addicted to him and his attention-which is exactly what he planned.
      But you are right about one thing…. If you do not stop seeing him, it will ruin you in ways that will either take years to correct or it will be something that cannot be reversed…..and he will continue on, possibly applying the same technique to other girls, if he isn’t doing that while he’s playing with you. I won’t bother to mention them here but think along the lines of STD’s or him abandoning you with a child to raise on your own but if you think that not having him in your life is hard to fathom now, wait until something happens where the choice is not yours anymore…. And believe me you’re not in control of the situation so pretty soon, he will be taken away from you or become such a problem that you will have wished that you have listen to yourself before it got that far.
      And you may think “Well, you don’t know him. He’s different”. But just so you know, those are usually the last words that a woman says before she is ruined. Trust us when we tell you that men are not like unicorns. The way they think is pretty much the same – it’s only what they DO that’s different and if you stop listening to what he SAYS and start looking at what he DOES then you would start seeing the real him and get away from him.
      As for the getting away from him part, that’s going to take a lot of mental strength and the ability to move quickly. Start with this. Think about the worst guy you have ever met. Someone you KNOW FOR SURE is a dog! Then think of a friend of a family member – a younger sister, a female friend or any other younger girl that you cared about. Now imagine them coming to you and telling you that they’ve been seeing the guy that you KNOW for a fact is a cheating dog and she needs your advice on how to get away from him. List all of the advice that you would give her. Just list it and then walk away from the sheet of paper. Do not come back to it for the whole day. The next day, review it and do every single thing that you would’ve told her to do and do it ALL AT ONCE! Maybe not the next day but AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! Be warned that you may have to do drastic things like stop going to the same gym (even if you have a membership-just call it an investment in your sanity), stop going to places that he knows that you go, change your cell phone number, block his phone number and then delete his contact from your phone. You may have to go away and visit someone for a week or 2…that will take you out of his range so that he can’t try to hunt you down (and don’t take this as flattery-he will look for you because he’s trying to keep using you and knows that the longer you’re gone the harder it will be use you again). While you’re gone, read blogs like this. Also, write a list in your phone of every horrible thing that will happen if your family finds out about this. Write down a list of the ways that you have changed for the worse by being with him (because chances are high that you have done things that you would and should never have done just by being with him). Review them every time you are tempted to go back to him. These are some of the techniques I used when I had to disconnect myself from someone like this. If you don’t do any of these things make a plan to get away from him and then INACT THE PLAN ALL AT ONCE! Do not do just one part and leave yourself fully exposed to him in other areas . Disconnect from him and do it all at once because a predator like that (and make no mistake predators make it their job to appear attractive) will try to find you just to get back into your head and start using you just like he already has! Be strong and be true to yourself and recognize that you’re infatuated with someone who has a little conscience that he can go home to his family and look them in the eyes while carrying on with you. Feel lucky that you are not in his wife’s place and don’t envy her Instead be lucky that you aren’t the one that has invested your body and your years to someone who is betraying you. I wish you well!

      1. Sorry, I was typing really fast and didn’t bother to edit the above comment. My apologies. I just hope that you got the idea of what I’m trying to say and realize that he’s been playing on your youth and knowledge of what women want to get them to give him what HE wants. Be well.

  67. I felt the need to read about how to get over a married man’s love becomes in this point I just can’t et him away of my mind, he’s with me everywhere, all I can do for now is to see our photos and videos toether and remember some of the moments we had together, it’s SO HARD TO FORGET GOD DEAM IT, it was just a month but in this period of time I saw him every single, I’m studing economics in the technology school and he’s in the marines, our schools are close, so I had the opportuanity to see him every day of the 30 ones we nnew each other in. The first time we talked was on facebook, I saw him in the suggestions and added him, in the first conversation, he told me that he’s sorry ’cause he’s married and his wife don’t like to know that his contacting girls so I apoligized and after one week, There was the olympic Universities days and we saw each other for the first time. That night he sended me a msg in fb telling me that he saw me in the morning I told him that so did I but wasn’t him married ? He said that it was just an excuse ’cause he thought that I’m a fake account and that he want me to forget bt our first conversation . Next day he came to see me in my school and we talked the third day we had our first kiss and from then we became a couple, we hanged together, it was just amazing all the time I had with him, he always said that I touched him differentely, and one day I had a call from a foreigh number, it was from his wife she told me that he was married and have one kid , she sends me there marriage photos and all, I called him to know bt it … after all this I just can’t get over him, I’m always crying and remembering the time we had together .. I love him and missing all of him, his smile, his hugs, kisses .. missing it all
    Ps: I’m 18 and he’s 21.. his wife is 20 yo and his child is 3 I guess, he married her ’cause she got pregnant in 17 yo ( that’s what I knew ) :/

  68. So I was dating this married man bit all of a sudden things changed because my feelings got involved. He is a mean fellow but overall I like the way he makes me feel.. Rumors around that he is dating multiple women.. I try to move on but he works with me and find ways to see me.
    .help please

  69. All of the feelings everyone on here is having….. Multiply your hurt X100….. That’s the pain the wives feel when they find out you’ve been sleeping with their husbands. Stop putting yourselves in these messed up situations and find a single man. For the married women on here that are cheating, spare your spouse the hurt and embarrassment and just leave them, don’t cheat!!!

  70. Broke off with MM last October… It’s coming to 6 months… We haven’t been contacting each other and I avoid to bum into him. It’s not getting better… I really do miss him alot. It felt like we didn’t have a closure. I just stop immediately when he delayed in replying my message and his wife started to suspect that he might have another woman. I just blocked him from Whatsapp and calls. I am feeling terrible each day… I can’t focus on my work until today I am still thinking about him. Do we need a closure ? Will I be able to know the truth and whats this feelings it’s all about? Is he really selfish and trapped me and playing games with my mind? I hate myself for liking and loving him.i really do deserve better but this is difficult.

    1. My heart goes out to you.. I know exactly how you are feeling.. so with knowing that you are over with MM maybe have a think about what you need to move on.
      I had all those feelings during my relationship with MM and I’d cancel outings, shuffle my kids around and let family down just to seee him. He was my first priority in everything I did. To have that ripped from under me was gut wrenching. We had a few days of no closure and I cannot even imagine having 6 months of it.
      So yesterday he sent a message saying it was the right thing to stay in his situation and he wished me well.. knowing this made the start of the closure process much easier.
      I think even after 6 months you still have things you want to say. It’s very dangerous territory to get back in touch with him. But maybe try to get your head around the fact that it is over. Once this sits ok with you it might then be safer to get the closure you need. But the closure needs to be about you and for you. Keeping in mind that it is closure and leave it at that.
      I only had a week or so of me clutching onto a false hope of that he would stay with me. Our entire 2 year relationship was more than perfect so the end was gut wrenching. I feel for you and you are not alone. Take care x

  71. Guys even i need help… i am married since 5 years but no kids.. before marriage i was deeply in love with a guy who was already in a serious relationship which he has taken forward to marriage. He used to tell me if i was the first girl in his life then he would have chosen me..but he always insisted me to stay in touch with him.. after 4 years of my marriage i was again in touch with him and worst was we became physical after 3 meetings.. it has been 2 years i am in touch with him and thrice we went physical.. and now i want him more and more.. i am ready to cross my limits all over again.. i dont know what to do.. i am continuously calling him and texting him msgs full of love.. i always wait for him…but i know he will never ever leave his wife neither will i leave my husband.. i am stuck now.. please help !!

  72. I have been reading this forum all day and so far I can relate to every story in one way or another.
    5 years ago I was in an unhappy marriage with a man who has Borderline Personality Disorder. This was my second marriage and it was hell. So instead of dealing with my marriage issues I went online and chatted to a MM. this was 2 years ago. I was 120kg… we started by just chatting and both talking about our home life issues. I told him everything about me and he did the same. He was a cyclist and good st it. He inspired me to eat well and exercise. We met up after a few weeks of chatting and the next 2 years were the most amazing years of my life. Financially though I paid for accom, lunches etc as his wife controlled his money.
    My husband ran off with another woman 6 months ago and left me in debt, and MM got me through with advice and emotional support.
    We were riding and seeing each other weekly and during this time (2years) I lost 40kg and felt amazing.
    Since I haven’t been married for the past 6 months it’s been really easy to see each other. Holidays, motels and lunches.
    His home life has been worse than ever as his desire for stealing moments with me is much stronger.
    His wife gets violent towards him and last week he pushed her away as he was trying to leave, she injured herself and his kids saw the whole thing. This has given him a wake up call. His wife had told him he is a wife basher and that he needs anger management counselling.
    Last Friday we sat and cried and he said for the kids he needed to focus on home. He believes he’s all those horrible things his wife says he is.
    So last Thursday we agreed to stop. It was heartbreaking. We still see each other’s posts on a cycling app and instagram.
    We race at the same cycling club now and on Sunday we had an amazing conversation and the most amazing kiss. We agreed that things werent over but for now he was to focus on his home life.
    Today I got a message from him saying he really needs to end this and that he was having a night out with his wife to try to learn to like her again.. he changed all his profile pics on social media as they were photos that I’d taken of him.
    I actually feel he is serious this time about giving his marriage a chance. So I’m heartbroken. I can’t focus on anything and need some help in taking my control back. I know I am just focussing on everything he wants etc.. but I just want him..
    this site is amazing and I don’t feel so alone. Xxx

  73. I was involved with a MM for nearly 3 years. We knew each other from primary school and I found him accidentally on FB … That’s where it all began … We connected the minute we spoke and it just progressed naturally. We laughed about liking each other in primary school but were too shy to talk to each other. We started to see each other whenever possible, doing all sorts of things together, going to movies, shopping even the odd holiday everything we did was fun and easy. We loved being in each other’s company and I enjoyed talking to him and him with me. We could talk about anything and everything for hours. We split up numerous times but like a magnet was pulled back together. His wife found out a year ago and even then we could not stay away. He made be blissfully happy and unhappy at the same time. I waited anxiously for calls and messages and would change plans if it meant I could spend time with him. Anyway nearly a month ago now things got really heated with his wife and he told me his marriage was over and was even talking about moving in with me. Then the next day he was distant again and told me he had to come clean and let everyone know what is happening and he would not be communicating with me until everything is sorted. Now this has happened before but only lasted a few days at most, so now it is nearly a month and not one message, not even to wish me happy birthday. I was hurt and angry and yes I miss him, but this time I think he has done me a huge favour as I now can see I can survive without him. I just hope I am strong enough to not let him back into my life. I have blocked him on all social media and on my phone so unless he physically comes to see me I won’t have any ties to him. Ladies let them go .. I was told he has never loved like he has me, never felt the way he does when with me wants to do things with me and noone else and yet he is still married … Actions speak louder than words … It hurts yes … I will never stop loving him but I have let him go.

    1. Reading your words here I could have easily written them myself. That’s all it is, words. And yes actions do speak louder than words. It hurts, I know. And I too will always love my xMM but the pain of being with him was much worse than the loss. I agree with you, ladies LET THEM GO! If they truly felt all the ways they tell you they feel, they’d be with YOU! Period. If they can’t let their wives go, then they are only gonna hurt you. Believe me I know from experience. Walk away, it’ll hurt like hell but you will be ok.

      1. Thank you so much ladies. Your words and feelings are exactly how I feel. It’s euphoric and heartbreaking all at the same time. It’s been 4 days now since our stolen kiss at bike racing the other day and he sent me a message this morning then called. It was sad and more importantly really made me hear that he is giving his marriage a shot. He told me he was spending a night in Melb with his wife to try and make things right, so in my heart I knew that they had sex. Here’s me jealous and sickened at the thought of him doing that. I felt cheated on and angry. This actually made things a little easier. I listened to his endless apologies and him saying he’s optimistic about his home and family getting through this. I told him that couldn’t Beg him to come back anymore, fund accom getaways or drop everything for him. I said I’m learning to respect myself more. It was so hard and I’ve been in tears all day. This is the longest we haven’t spoken and I really think this is it now.

  74. Spent the last hour reading comments on here…can’t believe the similarities in so many of them. I’ve been having an affair with a MM for 18 months, I’m also married. Two weeks ago my husband found out, then MM told his wife and everything fell apart. I’m devastated. I (stupidly) believed him when he said we were soulmates, he loved me, and on and on. We work together, we’ve hung out with each other’s spouses, etc. He said he wants to work it out with his wife though and my husband wants to stay with me. But I can’t get MM out of my head. We spent every day together for 18 months, he was my best friend and loved and confidant and made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman In the world. I’m just lost. Been 2 days of strict NC – tell me it gets easier. It has to get easier, I can’t live like this forever. Just want to feel that rush again.

    1. I do know what you’re going through unfortunately. Every single word you’ve written here I too have written and said. My mm and I broke up going on 10 months ago. The first few days and first few weeks were like death to me. We, too talked every single day and seen each other every day. He also made me feel the way your mm made you feel. And said the same things too, I was his soul mate I was the love of his life… listen, it does get easier but it’s hard. If you’re anything like me, you will feel every emotion you have all at once. But you have to push through the hard days and embrace the good days, what good days you have. Focus on what he chose to do, which is stay with his wife, even after telling you you were his soul mate and he loved you so much. If that were true, he would be with you right now, not the wife. It’s a harsh reality to have to face but truth will help you heal.

    2. First time affair

      Hello ladies, I’ve been having an affair with this middle age Psychologist mm with no children going on 1 yr this month. I met him on a plane while on my way to a solo vacation.
      This is my first time ever having an affair and I’m not feeling good about all the sneaking around.
      I’m currently married going through a divorce with 3 grown children. My husband and I have been married for 20 yrs. last 3 yrs the spark in our marriage has fizzled out. I’m very well to do financially and my mm seems to be struggling somewhat financially. His wife lives a very extravagant lifestyle and spends all his money. We live in two different islands 3000 miles away, and we only see eachother secretly 2-3 days every 2 months which I’ve seem to fund our secret getaways every time. He says he’s going to leave his wife, move here and find a job. Since I’ve been in this affair he has asked me at least twice for money, 5-15k each time. I haven’t given him any because a part of me just felt it wasn’t right. I have feelings for this mm. He makes me feel special when we’re together. We text everyday secretly when he’s able to. However, there are days when he disappears for a day or two with no contact. I know deep down I’m living a fantasy and I can’t help but feel the things he tells me is a lie. I know I should end it but not sure how?

    3. Please don’t fall prey & go back to him. I too tried to stop communicating him & didn’t communicate for 3days straight. He was the one who communicated again. Everytime I try to leave & make less conversations he does his little tricks & I also fall back bit he never leaves his wife as he promise. He only picks fights with her then after sometime they are ok again. He is so scared of losing me & wants me all to himself but will never leave her. I am trying my best & slowly communicating with single men even though I always go back to the M. M but I find that I am healing slowly & only grit & determination will help me.

  75. Devastated me
    I have been in a relationship with MM (stolen property) for 18 months now, I think I have had enough of this hide and seek kind of game. The financial support he has been giving me is not very impressive, looking at the risk I have put myself into, I feel so much used and dirty. I think time to let go of him, it’s not as easy as that but I believe with time I will get there.

  76. I will be okay, we will be okay.

    I googled about this because I am making thing right. I am in a 2 year relationship with a married man and finding the courage to stop it. You can call me martyr that I really care and love him and even buy his kids gifts when I travel for vacations . This guy made me believe that he can love even the worst thing about me, not seeing I am at my worst with him. I tried breaking it off with him several times before but he still finds a way back and using my depression his finest weapon-That i needed him and making an open-ended future fly.
    He gave me the best 2 years of my life and also gave me the worst 2 years. During our worst weeks i tried to take my own life. Thinking I am worthless. I felt it more when he tells me I am so strong, beautiful and smart, yet he cannot be mine. Making myself think I am far more worthless than I believe.
    From the start I have thought of his wife and children and every single time I try to end it. I do not want and never wanted to live in a lie, be hidden and ashamed and most specially, even we were very careful, I will also feel devastated if I hurt his family when they find out.
    Just a few hours ago I blocked him (after reading this article and comments from other brave women I didn’t waste any time) : I know my way is unamicable but I think this is the best way. Since he doesn’t have the b*lls to end it,so for everyone’s sake I will do it. Hoping his family will never find out and let me and him move on our separate ways.
    I hope anyone else going through what I am going through do what I am doing with this situation, despite of what he tells you and how much you love him, it is not real, right nor good for you so convince yourself it is not true love. True love is when you are in love with someone you are still able to love yourself but staying in the same daily agony is not loving yourself.
    Start loving ourself now. Let us be strong together! Forgive ourselves, love ourselves and FREE ourselves. Thank you again for this article.
    3:31am in my country.

  77. Hi ladies i don’t even know how to start this but here i go, I’ve been in a relationship already for 1 year with a married man well technically since he lives with her and they’re 2 boys we met at our work and its crazy because at 1st we didn’t like each other since he heard from my coworkers that i was a stuck up and a b***h and he definitely was not my type but as the days went by we kinda started this weird attraction to one another and one day we stayed late in the office and it happen our 1st kiss the kiss that started everything it was a different kiss like no other i felt like we’ve been waiting for ever for that kiss anyways so we continued staying late then things went to the next level he tried to stop it to even end it because he said it wasn’t fair to her our attraction was stronger the he end it when he realized he was having strong feelings for me i then realized i loved him too so we then got back together wich it was harder now for me because i also have a partner as well but i must be honest to you guy’s till this day he doesn’t know that he still leaves with me because i told him he left the house at the beginning of our relationship so when he knows were together we always have fights and just 1 week ago i left to vegas with my baby’s dad i told him about it and he said he was cool with it that he understood that it was for the kid;s but he never messaged me or called me the entire weekend and when i got back i tried calling him i texted him and nothing until 2 days later he called me back and told me that it was over that he couldn’t believe that i did leave to vegas with him that i should’ve known that it was not ok and that he wasn’t cool about it so i also told him what about all the nights that he spent at home with her anyways we met up and talked about it and we were kinda cool until she kept calling him and i told him why she kept on looking for him if they weren’t “cool” like that so he said he would talk to her about it when he went back home so next day (monday) he called me and texted me like any good day for us then he said he would call me later in the night so that we could talk about they’re conversation he didn’t then the next day he din’t call or reply to me messages and then on Wednesday i called and he answer and just said ill call you back in 1 hour, he didn’t so i called him 3 hrs later and he didn’t answer the he reply’s with a message saying i’m sorry i cant continue this relationship because the pressure i’m putting him is too much to handle and that hes having ab lot of problems and doesn’t need me to pressure him too so now i don’t know what to do i kinda want this to be over i want it to end i’m just wondering if this time it’s really over we’ve broken up soo many times i can’t believe i’m in this situation please help :(

    1. I will be okay, we will be okay.

      Let us do it together I am also literally trying to break it off right now. You are not alone. Call me Estelle. Look at yourself in the mirror and be reminded who is loving you back. Sometime there are no needed much discussion if it is really over. What is important it is important for you. Go out, take a walk and breath. At night write everything about it. Forgive yourself and him and do not let it hold you back. Because what ever his problem is and you think you added to that remind on how he treats you. Like you are a. 025% of his life. Create a game plan for yourself on how you will be okay. Keep yourself active, do affirmations and meditate. Girl if I am able to do it now, you can to!

        1. Ladies u are not alone. Trust me break it off. It will b excruciating but u will make it thru. He is robbing his wife, his marriage, his life of love. Do not let them rob you of love in ur life. U deserve better. Trust me. It’s been 10 months since I spoke to him. Things are so much better than riding that roller coaster.

      1. Thanks Estelle for you’re words 🙂 I couldn’t resist anymore so I called him yesterday he told me that he couldn’t deal with this pressure anymore that he’s going to figure out things and leave he’s house in 2 months or so and that he will look for me and we’ll continue if I’m available but that he can’t with this double life he said he’s feelings towards me haven’t changed, but I have a feeling it’s over but he sounded more mad then just tired of the situation I’m thinking he’s coworker told him we texted till midnight because ever since he seemed different, thus is soo confusing but I guess I’ll take it day by day 😔

  78. This married man was a close friend to me when I was having problems with my ex boyfriend, he gives me advice how I should take my step with him ,till one day I broke up with my ex the married man was there to support me till he we fall in love together we started dating for 1years. He always tell me he will visit my mum, we will travel spend time together but its never happen, sometimes he travel for4 weeks ,1month he will never text me ,when he comes back he will text me his back ,that he want to see me he miss me. All he does is to take me to a hotel he never take me out for dinner or spend time somewhere else him is all about sex I even got pregnant for him before he told me to remove it. This man hurt me so much I always for give him but this time I told him is over for good. The worst part was when I texted him is over he d int even reply but still posting his pictures on Facebook like he don’t care so I block I felt really use for 1years I feel like a prostitude just because I fell in love with the wrong man.

  79. we met 2 years ago ; he was working in my region by then we moved in together we were leaving as husband and wife later i got pregnant and he got a ptomotion at work and moved to his hometown where his wife is and i later had a miscarriage and he was too far to cum and comfort me(pain 1); but he was in contact 24/7 with me saying all the things that i wanted to hear as woman but mostly i wanted him near me of which is impossible and again i lied to my family about him coz i cannot introduce him; even now im still with him but i feel trapped like im afraid to leave him my feelings for him are just too much; ieven tried to tell him that i want to end the relationship but joo i love him so much , even him we talk in the middle of the night while hes at home and he tells me how he cant live without me.I DONT KNOW HOW I GOT THIS FAR IN THIS RELATIONSHIP

  80. I worked with him for 4 years before he started flirting and sending me flowers… one thing lead to another and now it’s been just over 4 years. He been saying he’s going to leave his wife for 3 of those years and the accountant was sorting out his financial affairs to make sure she didn’t get to the business… he was away with work recently & before I left I found out his wife was taking their 2 kids on a 4 week holiday overseas… I asked him numerous times if he was going & the promised me over 10 times he wasn’t… while he was away with work he said he had an argument with them & they hadn’t spoken to him for 2 days because the kids wanted him to go on the trip but even then said he wasn’t going… then he emailed me his flight details an hour later… when I text him yo say WTF he said he’d been on standby & they’d just been confirmed & said he’d get out of it & didn’t want to go… the whole weekend he was coming over saying he was only going for the kids etc etc… even up until 2 hours before he flew out he was trying to say he’ll get out of it…. I had told him it would be over if he goes as it’s clear I’ve been played big time… he promised me black & blue that he would sleep on the couch the whole time but he promises are just words… I feel so shocked, betrayed, rejected, foolish, demoralised, used & stupid for ever getting involved with him in the first place… I really thought what we had was special but I was blind up until now… I am determined to be strong & move forward with my life & he can have his wife because she obviously means so much to him. The sad part us work as I put my heart & soul into that place but I don’t think I can stay working there any longer… I feel positive about my decision but also stuck in this rut I’ve created… my heart is broken & it hurts like hell… baby steps will see me through though… onwards & upwards is the only way forward…. i do wonder if his wife would like to know what her wonderful husband has been up to for the last 4 years…..

    1. So sorry you’re going through this hard stuff. I can totally relate though. I had a MM just like that. Made me promises after promises that all turned out to be 100% lies. That’s what these married men do, they play with our heads and hearts to get what they want without a single thought about how they have effected our lives. I did tell my xMM wife, she turned it back on me though and told me I could have told him no. And she absolutely refused to look at any evidence. It ended terribly and had I had it to do all over again, I would have just walked away with my dignity and took baby steps to heal. So my point is, telling the wife doesn’t always work out in your favor. Some of these wives are so attached to their husbands that they can’t even bare to live without them, like in my case. In fact they did so well they had another baby… so his affair had no impact on them… but I was left shattered and broken. I am getting much stronger now and can honestly see him for who he truly was. His wife didn’t win any prize, she decided that she wasn’t worth more than to have a lying cheating husband who she will forever have to wonder what he’s doing while away from her.. but now I’m free… keep moving forward, let his wife have his sorry ass..

    2. hi dear it hurts yes but donot involve his wife in this you will hurt more & look like the crazy one .Try and move on cut all contact with MM no need to tell the wife .its not your job to tell the wife .And usually these women know your scorned thats why your trying to tell her so you can break them u .its never too late forgiv yourself and move on

  81. I have been involved with a married man for 5 yrs now, I met him when I was 24 and never knew he was married, I remember asking him a couple of times but he told me his single and wants to marry me. I feel so deeply in love with him and we even have kids twin boys. I only knew he was married when I was 5 months pregnant, there was nothing I could do at that moment but the kids are now 7 months old. I was devastated when I found out but I couldn’t break up with him because of the kids, I’m not working and so I need his assistance. but recently I hv been feeling so bad, I want to break up with him though he told me he and his wife are separated and going through a divorce but I don’t want to believe any more lies he has to tell me. I know I will have a hard time bringing up the kids but I’m ready to leave without him, please tell me what to do

  82. I can’t stop loving him…. heart, soul, body… everything… he is the type of person everyone loves… I am deeply in love with him…. problem is so is his wife…. this weekend I face the bottom of a bottle of wine whilst he is away with his wife and her family…. I am a senior leader in the business and he is the CEO…. we work together all the time and were besotted with each other… but he almost got found out and so backed off… we are still friends and obviously have feelings for each other but he called.our relationship because of his.wife and also our work reputations…. but I am not at the friend stage… I am deeply in love with him and MY heart breaks every day. I try to look at other guys but I’m so besotted with him … no one compares…. I hurt so badly all.of.the time. I don’t know how.to handle.it any more. No.one knows in work.amd it is hard to be normal when you feel.so hurt and have to act just like colleagues… we were lovers for 6 months… he called it 2 months ago and we have just been “friends” since but it’s torture and I can’t hack it … I feel completely broken…. I love him so.much

    1. Believe me, I know how it feels to be so broken. My mm and I broke up 9 months ago and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through, ever. It’s been a long hard road to recovery but I am doing quite a bit better these days, so hang in there it can get better. It’s so hard when we love them so much and so deeply. I miss his smell his touch… everything. But life does go on. I’m sorry you’re hurting so deeply, it’s such an aching feeling I know all too well.

      1. How did you out finally go about ending it for good? I have been back and forth so many times and haven’t been able to stay away. This is too hard for me

  83. I met him when I came home from overseas. He was here working in NYC in his friends cafe. He presented himself as single. He ended up living with me for months. Eventually the woman he said was the mother of his child contacted me on social media claiming to be his wife. He would call me jealous because I wanted the truth. A week before he went back to France he admitted the truth. That he was married but also his wife was expecting his 3rd child. I wasn’t as upset as I thought relieved to know the truth. The truth that while I was with him he went back to France got his wife pregnant only to come to NYC and live with me. That’s horrible. What kind of man leaves behind his family his wife and kids? Acts single…… starts a relationship and lies continuously? I was relieved to know this is no longer my problem. Yes blocking him was hard even knowing I am better off. I fell under false pretenses. But deep down I knew. And that is something I couldn’t live with because karma is real. I am still dealing with this as it has been a week. But I know time heals.

  84. I was involved with a married man once and it was the worst time of my life. Thank God it didn’t last that long. I was being taken for granted and it was ridiculous. He was incredibly handsome and charming and at first, I declined his advances. Then he convinced me to go to dinner with him and the misery began. I was so happy to be with him when he did have time for me and the sex was the best I’d ever had.
    When I wasn’t with him, I was depressed. I can’t believe I let this jerk get the better of me. I was suffering and he had the best of both worlds.
    I know his wife found out he was a cheater and he even tried to re-romance me as far as seeing him again but I refused. She stayed with him for quite awhile before the divorce and now he has a girlfriend. I wonder if she knows what a cad he is. I can honestly say I feel nothing for him now except repulsion. I’ve aged so much better than him too ….ha.
    I was suspicious of him when he wasn’t with me and caught him on the internet flirting with other women. I really feel sorry for his wife because she seems like a good woman and as for the new girlfriend, good luck to her. Wouldn’t want to be her.
    If you’re hanging on to a married man you’re never going to be happy. It’s a rarity for them to leave their wives and if they do for you, you’re likely to end up in her position someday…which is cheated on by a loser.
    Just let go. It’s going to get better. You’re in limbo so someone can fulfill all their desires while you’re left hanging until their next call. There are plenty of single men out there who have the time for you and would treat you well. Best of luck to all!

    1. You absolutely spoke to me in your post. I am 9 months post break up. I was shattered and have went thru hell healing from it. He did a number on me big time. But I am getting stronger. When you said how you were depressed when he want around, that was so me. I lived my life for him. And he absolutely got the best of both world having me and her and she always got the best while I got scraps. I don’t hate her. I feel bad for her because he’s crap. But thank you for posting, I needed to see that someone else feels the way I do..

      1. Almost a year since I BROKE THINGS OFF. His wife was expect their first child in 2 months and still wanted to continue. Can’t believe how stupid I was. Listening to his going to get divorced story. I’m hoping my ending a 25 yr marriage was part of my stupidity. Anyways ladies, these are not men. They are little bi**hes. Bc a real man has the balls to tell the truth even if it’s tough. And I don’t know about u , but I need a man, not a lil b**ch. Let them go live with their lies and trust that karma will take care of them

  85. Ladies, hello! Thank you for being here — and for being so honest and supportive. You are stronger than you think, smarter than you believe, and more valuable than you know. Your authenticity and willingness to share your hearts has been amazing.

    This little blog post can’t support more comments (almost 1,300!!), so I have to shift over to a new article and shut down comments on this post. But you won’t lose touch — I reposted your 27 most recent comments on this new blog post:

    5 Things You Must Do to Stop Thinking About Him
    http://howloveblossoms.com/stop-thinking-about-him-obsessive-love/

    I used the names and emails you used here, and signed you up to get follow-up comments. If you don’t want follow-up comments, simply unsubscribe.

    Keep on taking care of yourself — and each other! And, know that you are helping other women break up with married men and heal their hearts.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  86. We had an unusual relationship because we were working in another city together. His wife was a half a world away. He slept over every night and we spent everyday together for months. It was a real “relationship.” Until our project ended and we each had to go back home (different states). He told me nothing would change, then said I can no longer contact him and have to wait for him to contact me, then said that things would be “irregular” but reassures me he wants to run away with me and I am his greatest fantasy. He kept messaging me saying how emotional he is and how he constantly thinks of me but cant bear to leave his children. I tell him he didn’t have to I will move there and we can pick up where we left off. Only recently have I truly accepted the realization that he isn’t leaving. I am only getting the crumbs of his love and emotion. I’m not even good enough to call or message anymore (he has a private work phone). He says it isn’t fair to me but I can’t imagine me not being in his life. What am I supposed to do? I know I have to let it go, but I can’t. He was my soul mate and I believe that. I can’t even be mad because I started this, I knew what I was doing. But love is love. Now, how do I get out of love without feeling the weight and guilt of losing my soul mate…? I still want him to call. I still want him to leave her, but I know he isn’t.

  87. He came to a new country to work, where he met me, while waiting for his family to come. We dated. He said he loves me the most in his life, but he asked me to share half of everything because he has to support his babies and his family so he can’t care for me as i expected. Yes, half of everything or a few times i paid all. It’s like he keeps living his life as normal and i accompany him for his pleasure and needs. I am nice, successful lawyer, but look at me now, cheaper than prostitutes.

  88. I wrote some of my story a week or so ago. Nobody responded, but I keep checking in and reading everyone’s comments. It’s really helping me, it’s making me so much stronger. I’m still seeing my man, but I don’t feel like I’m being his doormat anymore. And I really believe it’s because of these comments. I know I got myself into this, even though me kept at me over and over after I told him no so many times. It’s so hard because my man is truly my best friend. We talk non stop and confide in each other. But I’m so sick of his roller coaster emotions. This weekend I’ve been a little colder towards him, not running to meet him, and he’s been so sweet. He started talking about his guilt and saying we should stop 2 weeks ago again. I didn’t react like I normally do, I just said okay. I think this upset him. Now he’s telling me how much he needs me and wants me. How I’m his whole world. Funny though that if I’m his world, why does he still need to race home before his wife?

    1. Jailynn…this forum definitely helps you to gain some of your confidence back. It is challenging to let go completely but i believe you get stronger as the weeks go on. Reading the comments and knowing other people are going through the same thing is helpful. My MM makes sure he contacts daily and most of the time i embrace it but every now and again I am busy and he doesnt like that. I make sure i let him know i am single and seeking available men. He does not like that either but who gives a crap…lol anyway, I am going to try to continue to stay strong and not fall for his charm. Its been 6-7 months and i still have my heart but I like him more and more and i know it has to stop because its wrong. I may not ever meet my available man because i am sexually and emotionally involved with someone elses man ???

    2. I’m just reading this comment and I was interested in knowing where you are at now. I’m in a similar situation and trying to break it off but always thinking well maybe this and maybe that . Although I know what I should do. I’m tired of feeling last on the list and lonely, depressed, etc.

  89. Update , what a drama :
    I broke up with married man for about 10 days now. I haven’t seen him and I felt OK. Last Friday he texted me . I told him I need time to go through mourn, grief and adjust. Maybe we can be friends in the future. He said he is ready to be my best friend and back me as his best friend for life. He can explain to me why he was rude to me when we talk last time. I said I am not ready to meet or become friend. I need more time .
    Fast forward this morning. I recieved a text at 2am. Asking if it’s me. I answered this morning : who is this ? The another side answered : your boyfriends now ex wife. I thought his wife found out. I was freaked out texting him what’s going on. Main while I asked if she is his wife. I told her we broke up already for her. She shouldn’t let him go, he is great guy. It will be her loss if she let him go ect…. Then she replied. That’s not her. She said I am richs ex wife. I said omg. Rich is not my bf. Don’t bother me and leave me alone. Now my merried man texted me back asking what’s going on why I think his wife texted me. He wants to see screen shot of the conversation. He said I am like a cement truck with no breaks. Then he asked me who is rich. I told him a guy working in nyc who is divorced used to infatuated about me. But I have nothing to do with him. I have no idea how his wife got my number,
    I told my office manager about it later on. She can’t stop laughing saying I have diahea in my mouth. She told me if things like this happen in the future. Just tell the woman I have no idea what u are talking about. Don’t start to confess before she even asks.
    My married man blocked me in the afternoon. I am sure he is so mad and keep wondering who is this Rich. I really don’t care anymore. I become distructive to our relationship ever since he gives the ring his wife on their 15 years anniversary. I just want this relationship end ASAP so that we have chance to talk normal back to business relationship and friendship again. We had small conversation in the last a few days all very superficial and polite. I need to keep healthy bounderies to protect my vulnerability. No more sadness and crying at night. I put up the wall in my heart and he can’t hurt me anymore.

  90. I just ended it for the 4th time with my married lover. He was my old high school flame and we came in contact with each other on Facebook over a year ago. After a 40 year, lifetime apart, we started flirting, remembering the past and inevitably got together at my house. We only live 3 mile apart but haven’t seen each other in 40 years. He was always up front that he is too old to divorce his wife now and he couldn’t offer me anything. Of course I kept on seeing him. Why? I fell in love with him and he constantly told me he loved me, I was the one, he never forgot about me, etc. One of the problems is that living in the same town, so close, meant all we could do was to meet at my house for a few hours when he could get away. We had a frequent Facebook messenger relationship and a sexual relationship maybe once a week. I had a very hard time dealing with this. Then I caught him in a lie. It was minor but never the less it was a lie. I shot off two ranting, confronting, rambling emails a few days ago saying it was over. I don’t regret doing this. I got so low that I knew I had to end it to survive. BUT how do I stop constantly looking for a response from him? I still hold on to the fact that we love each other so much that he will respond and make it all right. I am living in a dream world and hurting every minute of every day. I will not try to contact him again but I want him to contact me. How do I get over this?

    1. Hi carly, only cuz i went through it w/my ex-the bby ddy (NOT my mm)i would suggest that you make a concious and sincere decision and plan of action and stick to it, at all costs. As you said, you knew you had to end it in order to survive. There. Now your in survival mode- no more thinking with your heart no room for holding on to the love between you two or anything else that will make you weak.. you can only get over it if YOU do the right thing and rescue yourself from the dream quickly becoming a nightmare causing you pain, pain that is very real unlike the way things play out when you rely on (your mm) someone else to do the right thing. Its natural to want him to do what he should do but that doesnt mean hes gonna. Its natural to wanna see if hes tried to reach out to you -it would mean he does care and youd be validated.but if doesnt and you know he hasnt because you continuously check you only make yourself feel worse.for what? For someone who doesnt even care enough to spare you that in the first place. Until HES good and ready to reach out that is.
      Carly , its not going to be easy, at first but if you hold on, it will get easier as you see it through and in that gain strength. You can do it Carly, your worth it! I believe in you.

  91. Hey ladies, I appreciate these posts so much. It’s been a week since I broke it off with my married man of two years. I finally told him I couldn’t do it anymore if he didn’t make a choice to get a divorce- so he told me to move on. “Move on” coming from the man who had told me he loved me more than anything in life and couldn’t live without me. The man who wanted kids with me and to spend our lives together. To say im crushed is an understatement. I’ve been walking through life like a zombie. NC with him, he hasn’t tried to initiate either. I know it.will get better but the pain is intense.

    1. Hey Liz, you made the best choice…you chose YOU and that is huge. Im proud of you and the support here is amazing. Im still working towards a break up. I am tired of the “relationship”. They use you for as long as you allow them and they go back to their wives until they meet the next victim! Its a vicious cycle for some of these men. My MM has cheated before he told me he was in love with the woman and she was married as well. They were together for 2 years. That tells me he is not ever leaving his wife. He will just continue to do this until he either gets caught or she leaves him. I also know he enjoys long term relationships, it is comforting to him. I just keep telling myself, self you do not want to waste 1,2,3 + yrs on this person who cannot ever be yours. I am trying to move on, its just hard…so again, i am proud of you for choosing YOU.

    2. I think we should all stop being so stupid. These guys want their cake. They will never leave their wives. I started NC on May 20. This is the longest we ever went without contact. I told him don’t contact me again unless u can give me what I want. I also included some things I found on the Internet about MM being lost little boys and lack the manhood to make a decision. He hasn’t tried to contact me. Here’s the thing I truly believe if u really love and care about someone u will move mountains to b with them.. which is y these men will never do what it takes to b with u.

  92. So technically its not even a full day one. He came to retrieve some things so i guess i have to start the no contact tmaro. Im not as mad at him about this as I am at myself. I knew better.
    I found the problem.
    Initially when i first met him, i was freshly out of a relationship where i had been lied to for years.
    I knew then too.
    Eager for attention and validation, that someone else Did/would want me, i validated my actions for all the wasted years id just given.
    What got me here today, the last time we were together, it was like what he described to me, what it was like when he had sex with his wife. I was sad and angry….as i still am now.
    But this breakup is different, yes ive tried multiple times. I feel like its gonna stick. I feel like im strong enough now to do what should have been done almost 2yrs ago. I am sorry.
    Ive resolved that whatever time i am alone will be good for me. I deserve some time alone to repent for being with another womans husband like he belonged to me. He never did. Never will. The best thing i can do is not waste any more fkn time.

  93. I saw my guy last Friday. Since he lives 5 hours away, it’s only about once per month, as I’ve posted before. I told him that there have been times I’ve wanted to say “f you” and end it. His response, “Nope, that’s not going to happen. I won’t allow that to happen.” Yep, Mr. Jealous, Possessive Italian has spoken! I didn’t even answer him. He knows how good he has it. Ugh. The roller coaster ride continues….hugs to all who are enduring this crazy train.

  94. Wow! I’ve been with this married man for 2 years and 3 months. I must say I was ok with it in the beginning because I wasn’t ready for a relationship so I enjoyed having him once in a while. Then of course feelings for involved. When I started missing him when he’s not around, constantly thinking about him and wanting to do everything with him! That’s when I realized I needed a man of my own. I’m ready to end this!!!!

  95. I am hurting right now and I miss married man terribly. So hurt I can’t write my story just yet.
    My mind tells me that he is not the right one for me, that this is not going anywhere anyway, that is he now looking for the next woman to be with, that he is no longer thinking of me (or maybe, yes, he still does) and if I am going to go on with this it will hurt me even more. My mind tells me to break up, let go and move on. And that is exactly what I want!
    But … my HEART. This silly, stubborn heart of mine! The more my mind tells me to let him go, the more my pulls me back to him. The moment my phone rings, the faster it beats. The moment I think of him, the more my heart aches for him. And it just goes on and on.
    For once, why can’t my HEART and MIND just work together? They are pulling me in opposite directions, they are literally tearing me apart! It’s this one step forward with my mind and my heart pulls me back again in this misery!
    It hurts so bad, just so bad I can’t even write it down. The hours feel like days and I feel like a walking zombie! When will this ever end?

    1. Sushi I definitely understand your pain. I wish we all could really just walk away. It is not that simple though. Married man and I have been messing around for a few months and i am beginning to get bored with this but no matter how bored i feel with it at times my life would seem emptier without him. How did I allow someone like this to sneak in my heart/mind. I was ok being alone and taking care of my children as a single parent (atleast I thought i was) My married man fills a void and truth be told I genuinely enjoy him…most days! However, i sit and think how this is probably keeping me further away from my goal of having a successful relationship with an available man. It so selfish of him and I to do what we are doing. It really is! I can go days without communicating with him but he always reach out to me. He does not allow more than a day to pass without us speaking. He will go outside to speak with me if he has to. He will talk to me while he is in the bathroom if he has to and who knows how many ladies he have this relationship with. I just pray we continue seeking whatever we need to let GO!

    2. Sushi,
      I hope you will find the strength to write your story, the more you express it, the easier it will be for you with time. You need to talk it out, and to talk it out many many times. It’s a grief period (I call it “abstinence period”, read my previous post to Mara, I described how it really works in our brains). And this period hurts like hell… It hurts so much that the pain becomes even physical. I was not able to cut off all contacts with a married man, it was too painful for me, so I was doing it slowly, very slowly. Your logical mind tells you the right thing, you need to end it to save yourself, such relationships unfortunately damage woman’s self esteem, slowly killing the sense of self worth. But I do not think that it’s your heart that rules the game now. It’s because your brain got used to the “chemical pleasure”, “happy chemicals” that our brain releases during such relationships, and it’s addictive. Your brain just wants to experience those chemical “highs” again, like a heroin addict. This is why you can’t connect your heart and your brain (technically you cant tell your brain to stop seeking for those “heroin chemicals”, because brain now wants it like crazy). If you suffer a lot, and if you have access to a professional help, I would suggest you do so. Professional help is very good (but even with a professional help it will take a while to get your brain back to the normal functioning).
      Please stay with us, and please try to share your story. We are all in the same boat here, and you are very welcome to our little community :-)

  96. I told him i couldnt do this anymore yesterday, it was a very calm and open conversation, he told me that if that is what i wanted than he would respect my feelings-he also told me if i ever needed anything, someone to talk to or if i just needed anything, i could call him. i feel hurt and a lonliness, empty sort of hole inside. I had anxiety last night couldnt breathe finally fell asleep at 4 a.m.
    It just feels so ugly. I didnt expect to feel this way.

    1. *im new,not sure how it works but im adding on to my previous (1st) entry…
      I guess im looking for a life line in this site by getting an understanding of whats happening here. In that i mean married mans logic, and this “type” of relationship.
      Yesterday i posted just enough to get out what i was feeling but heres my story: my grandparents live next door to married mans parents. Ive known of married man & had a huge crush on him when i was a kid. Hes 7 yrs older & didnt notice me-naturally. Over the years our 2 families have gotten close,& living in my grandparents home i personally formed a closeness w/his sister & mother. That was how he saw me.
      He asked his sister who i was & if she could ask me if he could have my number.
      Its was one year in may, & the first time we spoke of the “elephant in the room” was friday june 4. I asked the questions, he answered them. He said it was the first time he (been married 23 years)cheated. He said he didnt know why hes cheating. I asked him if he felt guilty, he answered, “sometimes i do, ”
      He said he wasnt going to divorce his wife. I asked him then why did he ask for my phone number, what were his intentions especially if he had never done that before, what did he think was gonna happen? …he said he didnt know, he just saw me and had been seeing me at his moms house and was very attracted to me.
      Over the course of the past year i can count on one hand how many times we had sex. Either because i was on my period or my (2) kids were home. we saw eachother on his way home from work usually late at night for 15 min maybe or on his mornings off for maybe 20 min or so twice every week at first then dwindling down to three than twice a month. All the while communicating via text sometimes phone. I never called him he always reached out to me. I have never been in this situation before, and i just wonder what it is ive gotten myself into.. .

  97. I am saved because he is money hungry and success driven. Just before he met me he was already planning his amazing job overseas to look after his amazing kids and nothing was going to get in the way of that – so I don’t know why he ever bothered with me but I guess love is a complicated thing.
    My God I could never have imagined such heartache and grief. We have been absolutely forbidden to see each other because he is in a different country and the wife knows about us because he lived with me for a year. Only to go back to his wife. I have never experienced love before this, in equal measure I have never experienced such pain.
    It is good that he left but it is also hard. We are in regular contact and I still love him. He supports my life’s decisions and really helps me with the big milestones I am facing. He can only call me when at work, and the sadness and grief immediately returns when I know he has gone back home after work, or when he is on his days off and can’t contact me. Ladies, what have we done and what are we doing? I have the fortunate experience that I think enables me to be more objective about it because I can’t physically see him. In some ways when your heart is in a mess with this married man it is too late. Love and connection with someone else is a very, very powerful thing. You will put yourself through all sorts of painful experiences just to still feel connected to this man. I no longer have any advice, except I do recognise the importance of having your very own goals without him and taking charge of your own life, recognising the dependence and dreaming about what you want for yourself – someone who is 100 percent devoted to you because that is what you deserve. It is painful pulling away. Really painful. It can’t be avoided but just keep on thinking about what is better for you in the long run.

  98. Well I met him for lunch today and he told me things that I already knew but didn’t want to hear :( to him I’m a breath of fresh air from his stressful life :( knowing is one thing but hearing it it’s hard…I’m feeling so used now…I don’t want to see him anymore! We hooked up but it felt like it was the last time, as if something was broken. I thought I meant a little bit more to him ;(

  99. I left my married man of 20 years off and on on Palm Sunday this year. I have no regrets! It can be done when you are ready. You have to be ready. Something has to hit you in the face very hard and then you realize you must end the torture. For me it was seeing my former MM hand in hand with his wife across the street from my house. How many times had he told me he was so very “cool” with her? No love no romance blah blah blah….That he was stuck with her because of the kids? Because of his money situation? I also saw a photograph of them on Valentine’s day with hearts she drew all around the picture. That is when I knew something was really wrong with the picture in my head of what I thought was going on with them and with us. And I realized he had he had thoroughly been lying to me, for who knows for how long? I realized that his wife had a very different version of the marriage than he had been telling me. Never ever trust a liar because they will lie to you too! The same is true for a cheat: Never trust a cheat because they will cheat on you! Since I left the MM I have been sad yes, I have been devastated yes, but each day my life has also gotten a little better! My relationships with my family and friends have improved. My work life has improved. I like myself better. I never knew how draining it was trying with all my being to love an emotioanally unavailable man. I never realized that deep down, my MM never even loves himself, never mind him trying to love his wife or me. He has issues. Big issues. He can never be happy with just one woman because he needs constant attention and energy 24/7. He needs constant reinforcement. Married single it does not matter. A soon as one woman says something he does not like, he is on to find another one. A replacement. My man was a waste of my time but I guess I needed to learn. Until that something hit me smack in the face! I can do better than this jerk And you can too! We women need to demand better treatment. Do we really need these jerks in our lives? If so, for what?

    1. Lara, I really feel I can relate to you in many ways. He told me many things along the way but I was getting small clues that things were not that bad between them, and most important of all my gut was telling me. But when your gut tells you and you have no obvious evidence and you still love them – that is when it feels like a murky and confusing mess, that affects your relationships with everyone and work as well.
      I relate to you because since he has been gone, I feel my spirits starting to lift (sometimes, still very up and down) and my focus at work has been better. Draining is the word – I am totally exhausted for many reasons but underlying is the emotional stress that he put me though for 1.5 years.
      I also relate to your ideas about the constant attention he craves. I have always felt that he had a big ego, and I don’t want to get into the complexities about him that I fell in love with. But basically the only reason he thought he wanted me forever was because he was lacking attention from the wife because of the small kids. I have leanrt many lessons, and this I had no idea about before I met him. I thought that anyone who could be that head over heals with me, planning a future and everything, including moving out and in with me, would be serious. He just needed attention and adoration and to feel loved. I guess we all do to some degree, but his brain was not able to work out in realistic terms what this meant for the future.
      I hope you are hurting less now and I guess you already know that seeing them hand in hand was something you were supposed to see.

      1. Shay it gets even better. Two days ago I saw them with a brand new car and her looking like a million bucks! Prettier than me for sure (I am older than she is and heavier) . (Her hair all colored and cut beautifully etc) dressed in sexy clothes etc. He had been trying very hard to get my sympathy because he was laid off after 17 years and had “no more job in the field he loves.” He clearly has some spare funds lying around! What a liar! Me the fool, I was listening to him. Feeling sorry for him. Trying always to help him, listen to him. Be the best person I could be. blah blah blah Yes my former married man needed constant affirmation and attention and never liked being alone (hence the need for more than one woman). But I was addicted to helping him too as I am very co-dependent. I need to change. This behavior on my part has only led me to disaster!! I am coming to see that no true narc (and I do believe he is a narcissist) will ever want to permanently leave a good little co-dependent girl like myself. (My former self anyhow). So it is UP to ME to get healthier and to leave HIM! grrrrr I deserve better! We women deserve better! I am sure he lies to his wife constantly too and she is every bit the co-dependent than I am or even worse! Poor thing. Stuck with that guy. yuck

    2. Thank you I can relate to this. Part of what I loved about my married man was his emotional availability. After time I’m realizing this isn’t availability or soft vulnerability it is his need for validation. His wife doesn’t validate him. He cheated before. Once I stop he will move on to another just the same. I’m not special and she probably isn’t as horrible as he says either. Thanks for sharing.

  100. I started seeing my married man about six months ago. I was ending a committed relationship and met him online. We have only seen each other maybe 10 times, and he has always controlled our communication. For instance, at first we only communicated through email. He would email, we would meet up, and then I wouldn’t hear from him for like 2-3 weeks. When we finally began texting and calling, it became obvious to me that he blocks my number when, in his words, “I become selfish and confused b/c I didn’t expect to have feelings for you”. We discussed this last time, over a month ago. He said he wouldn’t break communication without letting me know he needed a break. He kept that promise for all of a week. So, here I am desperately wanting to see him and talk to him, with no way to reach him. I feel like it’s over and it hurts so much. Logically, I know he isn’t mine, I know it would be different if we had a real relationship, but I miss him so much it physically hurts.

    1. Jasmine, the married man I have been seeing said and did those EXACT same things to me. So much so that it was eerie. I want to end it, I know it’s the right thing to do. It’s just so hard for me.

  101. The end:
    The finaly came eventually. With the continuing multiple cancelations of the dates comes the last straw. On the last post. We talked about the weekend anniversary, he either goes to watch Hamilton on Broadway with me or goes to Hamptons with wife for a surprising birthday party. He chose to go to Hamptons with her. I said that’s fine. I just won’t plan anything anymore. He called me getting very angry and rude. Saying not because he doesn’t want to go with me, it because family things coming up, he has no choice. Because his family things he has to do cancelation. Then I don’t plan anything in the future . I am like a moran ect. He started to become verbally abusive. I was very shocked a man I loved for a whole year can talk to me like that…..
    He texted me back . Kind of soft his tone a little bit, but I think it’s kind of too late.
    I wrote him an email in evening told him I can’t really take it anymore. The last two months we have more unhappiness than happiness. Sorry I have to go and best wishes to his family .
    it’s crystal clear I am just a side dish. nobody should talk to woman just to put her down. It is completely against moral standard and completely unacceptable.
    I haven’t really talked to him since my email. Today is day 2. I feel very relieved actually when I found out the man I loved doesn’t worth my emotional investment.
    We haven’t really work togather or do business for two days neither. At this point, I prefer lose business from him than compromise my intagrity to make him happy.
    I am so done. When u suddenly wake up a dream. Just to find out u just have a nightmare and what u experienced is not the reality. U must feel relieved. That’s exactly how I feel now. Love a married man just like chasing a shadow u can never actually own it. Different people have different stories and experiences. Just matter of time. We will find out …..

    1. I feel u.. today is my day3. After cutting all contacts. He left me a voicemail asking me to call him. Can he tell me something I don’t know? That He truly love a side dish? Unless it’s free and convenient I supposed. Like how foolish and blinded I had been for past 1yr, making it so easy for him to come and go. His plate is already so full with main course, working hard to survive, doting father, responsible husband.
      Stayed up late and waited for his text but just to get clichéd ones like how’s ur day, is everything ok, goodnight etc.

      I’m relieved that I could sleep, I could stop checking if he’s online or if he is, why not with me? I’m thankful that I’m done with waiting.

      Is he going to ask,
      – how did I manage to quit him so suddenly? Answer is all along I’m the one who has been hurting, developed anxiety and fear of being forsaken if he’s forced to choose.
      – how can we continue? Can’t because i hate the way u treated me when u r fearful and guilty and paranoid. I hate all the waiting and hoping and wasting my life away. I hate being an option. I hate the way u said u love kids and wanted to have another with wife. I hate long wkends where I loved like a zombie whereas u were soaking in family bliss. I hate when U said u could live without me technically. I hatebeing treated like doormat, left with no choice, unhappiness outweighs happiness.

      1. Agreed…. Just matter of time. When we wake up. It s just a dream. Most likely , it’s a nightmare. The more you hold on, the more he takes you for granted. He will be enjoying his wife and family life because we filled up the void he missed in his marriage. The min you leave He realize what he missed in his marriage again. He still stuck with the same boring wife. Then he starts to turned around pursue u and tries to control you again.
        Just wake up and let it go…. Life is beautiful …..

    2. Get out for good

      Hi Mhdd,
      I can feel you. My married man did worse everytime. From being late to our dates to conpletely missing them without telling beforehand. He lazily responded by saying oh.. “I couldnt get out of bed” or “i was with my wife. You go get yourself something to do yeah”. After some quarrel, he will decide to reply one word or silent treatment. And next the cycle begin. So yeah, they will only get worse by coming back i guess. So exit TOTALLY before they come around.

  102. At least I’m not alone in this :)

    I (32) met “my” married man (42) 4 months ago, when I started a temporary job. After 1 month his behaviour went from purely professional to friendly and he started teasing me. At first it was a funny game and I kept it going but having in mind it would always stay a game. But my stupid heart started whispering things to my head and I became more and more infatuated with him (he’s not my type but he is charming). Apparently he felt the same way and we started seeing each other regularly, during lunch break, and end up being intimate. On my last day (1 month ago) when we were together, we talked and he said he enjoyed our time together but we couldn’t see each other outside the office because of his work life and because it could lead to more feelings and he couldn’t allow it…although I never hoped for a relationship with him (I have a partner and a 2 yo son, he’s married and has a 4 yo daughter, we don’t really know each other) I was so sad and I spent the following week missing him…I sent him a few emails asking how he was,etc and sometimes he would reply or not…weeks later when I thought I was starting to get over him, as I didn’t hear from him for days, I’ve decided to send him an email to which he replied and proposed lunch (5/23), for my astonishment. Well I said yes and we met at a nice restaurant and he explained that he was ignoring me because he was afraid of his feelings and of risking everything he had (he’s a lawyer)…for the first time we talked, about our kids, our life, etc…I went to the restrooms and he followed me and I couldn’t resist him so we locked in the stall. We left the restaurant and walked side by side until we went separate ways. Later he sent me an email stating how much he enjoyed our lunch. Next day both of us went for holidays (separate) and he didn’t write me again, until Monday when I asked if he’s hiding or something to which he replied “No, why?” I was so exasperated by that answer that I decided I had enough and it was time to end this “thing” I don’t even know what to call it…I told him I’m unable to understand him or his behaviour and he said he’s under a lot of stress, to which I didn’t reply. Today he sent me a message trying to cheer me up but I replied that I was disappointed. I’m pretty sure I’m just infatuated, not in love, but I want this to end as there is no point in continuing and I’m the one suffering :(

    1. Oh, no, you are not alone Mara :-) I see yours relationship with married man is pretty short too (at this point, hopefully it will end soon for your own happiness!). Mine is much less than a year, but I started the process of ending it like on month 2. Yeah, brain gets so addictive to those “happy” chemicals with a married man, that we become hooked very quickly. Specially married man is unavailable, and it makes him even more desirable (it’s natural thing, not our fault). Plus those married men of course do everything to hook us, they go out of the way to get you in their net, so you are dealing with the best version of him, quite a fantasy, but not with the actual person. And yes, I also believe that it’s just a strong infatuation.
      I see that you are texting/e-mailing your married man yourself, and he either responds or not. I would recommend not to text/write him anything first, trust me, he will start contacting you himself, just give it a little time. He is so sure he wants to end it with you because you are available to him, you are still trying to reach out to him. Once you stop initiating it yourself and back up, you will see that HE will begin to text/e-mail you. Those men do NOT like when we disappear, it’s a damage to their ego :-) so that when we give cold shoulder, they go out of the way to get you back (but once you are back, he will be hot/cold with you again).
      My suggestion is RUN away from him, but if you can’t, then at least stop contacting him yourself, do not initiate contact, and notice how this trick can work :-) (he will start initiating it once he notices that you are loosing interest)!

      1. Anonymous, you summarised it well ?
        I believe that things happen for a reason and I lead my life based on this. Let me explain…the job agency called me on a Thursday afternoon about a interview on Friday morning at married man’s firm, without giving proper details about the job, conditions, etc. In order to prepare this interview I checked the firm website and started looking at the staff pictures. When I stumbled on MM pic I felt weird (he’s one of the 4 bosses) I still don’t know if I like it or dislike it. I got the job and a few days later I met him (he was different from his pic, he seemed older) He introduced himself in a bossy way and I thought he was arrogant and didn’t like me so I decided I didn’t like him either. Days went by with his bossy behaviour. Since I was new at the company every time someone had a problem with documents, computer, phone I would offer to help. Married man is bad with technology so he was always complaining to his assistant that something in his office wasn’t working and she was tired of it, so I offered to fix his new problem and went to his office. He was in a bad mood and barely spoke to me but when I was leaving he asked for my name (I already told him on the first meeting) and said he would call me for further troubleshooting. After that he started being more friendly and making jokes and coincidence or not we started bumping into each other very often. I suspected that he was trying to hit on me with his sudden friendly manners. He was married, older, my boss and not my type. I was a young mom and the thought of it pleased me anyway. Then we started chit chatting until he came with subtle compliments, to which I pretended I didn’t notice. It was amusing not to see him as the arrogant boss (a feeling everyone shared at the firm). What started as a game and was supposed to stay that way evolved into something else and I started liking him too. Then one thing led to another and we “dated”.
        As you said Anonymous, I’ve stopped reaching to him and he’s now texting me… I would like to know what’s the purpose of meeting him…sorry for the long novel but I have no one to share this with and to understand me ?

  103. No contact day 2. Not quite successful as he purposely appeared in front of me in the office despite that we work at different physical location but under the same organization. He would always come back whenever I’ve decided to end it,let go and move on. I’m so mentally drained by the flip flops. I told him let’s end it on Monday (almost every other day or wkend I’ll want to end, and this time I’m not crying wolf.) so I blocked him and deleted his contacts. The moment I saw him appearing at my desk, I went weak, fought hard to act indifferent. He said he missed me and left. I was in tears again .

    Why quit
    1. You just know in your heart it’s not right.
    2. You’re miserable more often than you’re happy. Bottom line: if you drags me down and makes me feel crappy about myself and life, then it’s time to call quits on the relationship. I need not someone who leeches the energy from my life.
    3. Your values, morals, and beliefs are misaligned.
    4. Cannot handle complexity and emotional struggle – guilt, anxiety, insomnia, hurt, heartache, disappointment, waiting, negativity, lies, turbulence etc. the time and emotions are just not worth it
    5. enough is enough, no more reason to hold on which is leading to no where. He lost the craze or novelty to shower me the attention, romance me with love and lust, reality sets in, he withdraws whenever he’s hit by guilt towards his wife & kids and fear of us being discovered
    6. Neither can we be husband & wife nor a committed future together so what are we? You never once promise me u will leave your wife to be with me. In fact u always say your works would crash if we were found out. Thankfully I am also married and would stay married (but I did have a foolish thought that I would do anything to be with u). You also say we could romance and enjoy the thrills because we ain’t married to each other hence we wouldn’t be bored by the mundane experienced by the married couples. I made peace with the fact that u will forsaken me when challenged.
    7. I want to be able to sleep.

    I’m feeling so suffocated and hopeless

    1. Nomad, you are doing the right thing, I so liked how you outlined the reasons to stop this painful relationship. It’s hard, very (ask me how I know…), but you will feel sooo much better after you get thru the NC suffering, some day you may even wonder how you were able to be attracted to that MM. We are here to support you.

      1. Hugs Anonymous. Day 4. Didn’t go to work to avoid him at all cost. I just need to pull through work days (Friday is crucial) and I’ll be fine, I’ll emerge stronger, why? Because he will disappear over weekends, because he will be busy with family, because he thinks I should also not neglect my family, because he feels guilty stealing moments to text me or even think of me for a second. Initially he wasn’t like this, he was crazier and texting me the sweet nothings every other min over the wkends. But now, he said he shouldn’t have lifted his bar so high so it’s time I get accustomed to reality that we have family to care of, to hide from and not to arouse their suspicions.

        Be patient with healing …

  104. Dear ladies,
    We are all suffering from the same insane, never-ending lie. We need to be strong. We are all being lied to and we have fallen for these guys who treat us like dirt. No matter how much he said he love you, he is cheating YOU by not leaving her. We have grown to accept such treatment. each and everyone of us has to stop our own pain. I’m trying to move out of the country, get a new job, know good friends. you get out of it completely and you get relief from the dark feelings in the heart. Peace. I have cried too many nights away, the pain as he always take me as second place, calling only when he is free, shame as people will only know you as the other shameless woman. I miss him but its just too painful. No one else can help you except yourself. I say that because i know. It’s not just blocking and NC and keeping yourself occupied. Find peace. Find meaning in yourself. You CAN Get out of it.

  105. I’m glad I found this site. I’ve been with my married man for 3 months. We met through a FB group and chatted online for a while before we physically met. I am also married but am very unhappy, duh. We started out physically and emotionally very hard. He lives 5 hours away, so we see each other maybe once a month. We talk every day via message or phone. He doesn’t plan on leaving his wife, and I’ve never expected/asked that. His situation is similar to mine – we fell out of love with our spouses and crave the romance and physical/emotional connection we are not getting at home. Unfortunately, this man goes hot and cold with his emotions. Sometimes he’s proclaiming deep feelings and tells me he has an emotional connection to me, thinks about me all the time, misses me, then he’s withdrawn. It’s a complete rollercoaster, and I’m an emotional wreck. He’s jealous and possessive if other men pay me attention, yet when he’s busy and CAN’T (won’t) pay me attention, it’s just fine. When we are together, he’s said, “you are mine.” Not sure it’s a joke either. I’m desperate to end it, but I do believe I love him, though he is toxic to me and my self esteem. I’m at the point where I’m answering messages but not initiating. We do have plans for Friday. Thanks for listening.

    1. Hi Samantha,
      It’s so very similar to my situation. I am pretty sure you do not love that married man, it’s because you have a void deep inside of you for romance/intimacy and this married man just filling this void at this point, therefore, the connection with is like an addiction. See, it’s been only 3 months, and you are already on the roller coaster, believe me, it will be worse and worse with every month and you will become more and more addicted. Your married man also has a void so that when he feels he needs you to feel that void, he contacts you. Of course when he needs you to fulfill his desires, he can tell you anything, how he feels about you, how he wants you, how he is jealous of you, etc. (and the more you hear those words, the more you will be addicted to him). I know it’s VERY hard to stop this addiction, but you have a good chance because it’s been only 3 months for you and he lives far away. I, myself, was not able to cut off all contacts at once (I tried two times, but it was sooo very painful for me that I had to restart it), so that I then was diminishing communication with my married man slowly, getting slowly detached from his texts/emails (and those were several times a day before!), I can tell you – it works :-) Now I am already ok if I dont’ see his e-mails or texts for several days, though I still cannot cut it off completely (but will do so of course, but slowly). And I stopped seen him in person, in person meetings are the most addictive!
      Take good care of yourself, and RUN from your married man while it’s not too late!

    2. Hey Samantha! It is so easy to get caught up but extremely difficult to get OUT!!! I have been dating my married man for 6 months sleeping with him for 2 months and i am too experiencing the rollercoaster. I like him a lot and it is not just the sex. I like how attentive he can be, i enjoy how we can talk about anything, he makes me feel amazing, he is pretty consistant and he seems to genuinely enjoy my company. We hadnt been intimate for 5 weeks and it wasnt because he couldnt make time for me but it was because i couldnt make time for him. He seemed a little annoyed by that and he said baby listen i want to see you and you need to make it happen so of course I did. He knows exactly what I want to hear and it works…sad to say it but it does! I dont expect him to leave his woman for me but it is definitely bitter sweet. This site has made me feel like i have some people in my corner, the support is helpful and i can vent and not have to worry about feeling ashamed or judged. Although i havent gotten strong enough to leave, i honestly feel that this forum will help me get through this part of my life….Best Wishes to us ALL

      1. You sound like my twin! We have plans for tomorrow not. Let’s see how I feel after. I’m trying hard to put him in the friends with benefits box and retract my feelings. I know it’s what I’m missing in my marriage, so we shall see how this works. I appreciate everyone’s replies so much!!

    3. Dear Samantha
      I am in the very same situation. Only that i divorced my spouse because we had problems.
      The married man i see lives in another town he is very rich and powerful. He is also possesive and jealous. He says that i belong to him, but although he insisted in my taking a divorce and said he would help financialy,he let me do all the procedure alone without sparing a peny. He says he loves me but he is coming only when he has free time. I see him every month or 15 days. For the first 5 months he told me he was divorced made me love him, in other words he deceived me. I am 40 years old with 2 kids and very sad.Now i know that he is taking advantage of me he comes and go whenever he wants to have fun and i feel awful because sometimes i believe that i didn’t give another thought to my marriage. So i have to face 2 break ups. I am in terrible pain but i will leave him because he may buy everything he wants with hiS money or make women go after him for i,t but he cant play with people. Hope one day he will be punished for what he does. I gave him true love but i dont want to be his toy. Its time to show some dignity as i was raised with.
      I dont wish to be treated like the other woman!!! Its not right.

  106. Help. I think my heart is completely destroyed. The last year has been a long and difficult one after the wife started to suspect and our relationship has had to cool substantially. The affair itself 14 years long and he was my best friend as well as a lover and I miss him so much. Over the weekend I saw some images of a semi naked girl on his phone. I feel broken and devastated. Did I mean so little to him? I need to move on and let go, if only for my sanity, but how do I do that when I see him through work?

    1. Be strong, you can do this. I know it’s hard but it gets better. Did you confront him about the pics on his phone?

      1. Yes and he has denied that they were there. I also know he’s constantly texting her. I’m absolutely devastated :(

      2. Yes I confronted him. He denies it; I know it’s true. So sad. The sadder thing is I’m concerned for him as I know the girl and she’s some 30 plus years younger than him and is throwing herself at him, and I’m certain she won’t hesitate to drop him in it with his family. At the end of the day, regardless of anything, rightly or wrongly I still see him as a friend and I would hate to see him hurt.

        That aside, I’m struggling with this so much! Any advice or just someone to listen is really appreciated!

  107. Update :
    Somehow I am back with the married man again after one week NC. And surprisingly we haven’t fought for a week . We went out dinner a couple of times this week. We kissed a little bit at lounge which is kind of crazy. No affections should be allowed in public because the whole relationship should be discrete. Next weekend is our anniversary. I had a couple of tickets for a Broadway shows on the weekend. On the other hand, he booked with wife to Hampton for surprise birthday party. I told him really up to him what he wants and priorities in his life. He is a grown up. Make his own decisions. It won’t hurt my feelings if he goes with wife to Hampton. Our relationship is not exclusive. We need to prioritize with families if we have to. He said he will talk to wife tonight if he can cancel Hampton trip and let me know tomorrow. I told him maybe the best if she goes first by car service and u join her the day after. Well. It’s not my business to manage his wife schedule.
    I am so tired of fighting and heartbroken. I tried nc a couple of times. I know myself well. I have read this article at least 10 times. The fact I know is that I can’t break up completely with him. I’ll be crippled emotionally .
    Currently I am just trying my best to cope with the reality. Maybe sometime soon I will nc again , maybe I’ll be stronger every time I try to leave him. But by now. I can’t . I think he might be the same. We both tired of fighting.
    Even if he can’t be with me on our anniversary. I won’t take it personal. I know the fact he will be miserable without me that day. No reason to put more pressure to him. …
    To be continued

  108. Struggling emotionally

    I have been involved with a married man for 2 years. He was someone I met when I was 18. We exchanged numbers but never contacted one another. I saw him on Facebook and just sent a request. It was harmless I haven’t seen or heard from him in years just wanted to see to what he’s been up too. He accepted and quickly msgd me… I responded he didn’t recognized me but he did recognize me been the fiancé of my ex… he wanted to know when the wedding was and I told him that there is no wedding because we broke up.. we had a cordial conversation and I must say I enjoyed his conversation. He told me he was married and they were having a baby due December 2015. Again I was having harmless conversation.. I was talking to this guy I really liked and was into so it was just friendly convo… He later began to tell me he was in a dark place and his marriage has been changing n he got to the point he wanted to harm himself and he had to see a therapist. I was a listening ear and just gave feedback when necessary. We talked every day all day just friendly conversations.He finally asked if we could meet up I agreed because to me it was harmless I felt uncomfortable and I made the visit short… well he went missing for a week and I found myself missing him.. I think it was the daily conversations.. he started to become my friend. They were in the process of moving and he asked if I’d come by the storage building I agreed and I did this three times I was very nervous but he never tried anything just talk… one day he asked for me to come by and he said he wanted to show me something because he thinks my daughter would like it. I went by and when I followed him he kisses me. I was taken back and I was confused I was shocked I said I had to go. That stayed on my mind and then I realized I liked that he kissed me.. I later switched jobs and was relocated literally 4 blocks from where he worked. We would spend every lunch together.. he’d text and asked if he could come by my job and if I could come out… I’d always say yes… the guy I was seeing we had a break up and it hurt me tremendously he was there comforting me with words and being a friend… we’d see more and more of one another.. social visits started with him kissing me or touching me. I was vulnerable and I loved the attention he was giving me. I started to fall for him.. we shared same taste in music, movies, he he was into art and shares his drawings with me… I opened up and shared some poetry with him. He would say we had chemistry. We saw one another and talked so much I started to feel bad.. I tried to end it with him and would go days or weeks without responding but I’d find myself missing him. He’d reach out and then I’d slowly give in. All of this time we’ve never had sex… it was an emotional affair besides the kissing we would do. Around November 2016, I could feel his feelings for me.. they would be great one day and the next he’d brush them off. I knew he was married but I started fallen for him. He begged for me to go to his business trip with him but I declined. He would tell me he’s all into me one day and the next it was we are friends.. I expressed myself to him one day and his response was you know we can’t have feelings involved in this… my heart sank and I said since when because like I said he was sending me signals and expressing himself he even drew a self portrait of me. He took me to dinner for my birthday. I was angry and heartbroken.. I cried mainly because I felt so stupid… so that night I had it set in my head I was ending it.. I sent him a long msg and told him it was over. The next morning he responded and he was surprised he asked was I sure and I said yes and explain he said I should think about it and if he could msg me later. Like a dummy I said he could… That night he msg and expresses his self to me like I’ve never seen him do.. it made me melt and my feelings came back. He told me how much he loved me and how he felt he was tied down and obligated to his wife but he was feeling and had chemistry with me. I took him back… I missed him and I allowed his words to get to me. I felt I was loyal to him.. I got approached by guys but because of him I turned them down.. around my birthday in January we were suppose to go to Raleigh. He texted and said change of plans because his wife was now joining him I was heartbroken and very upset… but I pretend I was okay and was t worrying about it.. he came back and we just pretended nothing happened. Well his wife screenshot a pic from a snapchat convo he and I had.. he said he had to go and we had to end it.. I was devastated. I was crushed n heartbroken… I became depressed my grades for school were dropping I didn’t want to go to work I was literally depressed.. he finally reached out to me but said we can only be friends. I told him I couldn’t be friends and he agreed because he has feelings for me and he loves me.. I let him back in again… I’ve decided to sit boundaries n seek out other guys.. he started to become jealous and possessive.. is back off n dedicated myself to him… he’d get back with playing with my emotions but if I brought it up he’d say you know why I’m so up and down. I started going out with a guy and I informed him he would say he was for it but I know else. He begged again for me to go on business trip with him I declined but he left earlier and he came to my house… we had sex.. first time. I felt like whoa.. we started sneaking more to have sex.. once I went to a bar with my sisters and he was there with his wife I panicked it was my first time seeing her in person.. he noticed me and pushed his wife out of sight. He kept touching me and texting me all the night. I felt eyes burning into me and looked up it was his wife. When she made eye contact she turned her head. Even though we pretended we didn’t know one another I was uncomfortable. I left and went to a different bar. He started texting me soon as I realized I left. But moving forward she went out of town and we’ve spent every day together. But now I’m starting to feel bad again and wanting to end it. I can sense he knows that I’m wanting to end it because he uses expressing himself as a way to get me back in. I want to end it everyday I say I’m going to ignore him. I really really need to move on. But it’s very hard.

  109. I have a similar situation. Reading these comments really help. My married man and I were acquaintances in the gym. Little by little he kept telling me his whole life and problems. I pushed him away over and over, but he kept at me. I told him I’m happily married, but he worked months at convincing me my marriage was flawed. He was so sweet, offering to do things for me that my husband wouldn’t do. He worked his way in telling me how much he loved me. Said our connection was so unique and special. He made me feel so loved. He was so attentive, so I broke. For a year he talked about leaving his wife for me. I came first in everything, he made me his priority. Then his wife got breast cancer. I felt so awful, thankfully it was caught early. We talked and decided he should stay until she recovers from the surgery. Things went along as before, me still being the priority. Then suddenly after another few months he decides his religion is so important to him that he needs to work on his marriage because that’s what the bible says. But he never breaks off contact with me. Continually meets me, goes out with me, dinner, fun days, intimacy, says he loves me. But every other day says he’s such a hypocrite because of God. I get sick of it, tell him I need space and totally blow him off. I go away on a vacation and he texts me over and over where are you? Even drives by my house. Gets so upset when he finds out I’m away. Begs me to see him repeatedly. I see him when I return after 2 weeks. He says he realized he can’t live without me. Begs me back, says just wait until the end of June when it’s her surgery date. I agree, and everything is all loving again. 1 month later, and he’s back to talking about the bible. I’m not sure if I love him, hate him, or if I’m just addicted to the routine of him. Help

  110. Hi, my story is slightly different from a few here and I hope it remains a healthy one. I have known my married man since I was 17. When we reconnected he was 35, in an unhappy marriage of 2 years (no kids) and I was also married at 31, with one 4 year old child. We hit the ground running and he totally love bombed me and made me feel like I had found my souls mate. I was NOT in an unhappy marriage. I kept waiting for him to say he wanted to be with me, but he never did, never got physically intimate with me (only emotionally intimate) and asked me not to leave my child and husband. That was a year ago. We didn’t speak for about 4 months because I was heartbroken and very upset at the way things had gone down, and also felt used because I had given so much of myself emotionally (at the risk of my marriage sometimes). But then I healed and I was in a better place, and I was trying to get pregnant again. Cut to the current situation, we reconnected again. On different terms, it has been 4 months since he has separated from his wife, I am pregnant again with my husbands child, and mentally in a better place because I have made peace that he will never want to be with me and maybe that’s for the best. He’s become a bit distant since he found out about the pregnancy and not as affectionate but he’s a very intelligent man and I like having him around as a friend. Am I wrong to pursue this? I feel more in control of my emotions when I’m not NC as then I don’t idealise him in my head. The only hiccup is even the friend ship is in secret.

  111. Hi ,
    I’ve been seeing a married man for a year and known him for 3 years ! I tried to resist him for a long time but he did all the running . I tried then to not fall in love with him but I did and now it is so hard . He says he will leave his wife for me as he loves me and sees his future with me not his wife as after 20 yrs they have grown apart . But he says he can’t until his middle child finishes his GCSEs in June . I’m sure when June comes he will find another excuse . It’s so hard not being able to call him when I need to or wake up with him ever .
    I know deep down it’s not right but I can’t seem to find the strength to finish it . When we are together it is always amazing and I do think if circumstances were different we would be together I have no doubt about that . He swears blind he never sleeps with his wife and I do believe him on that count .

  112. I have been seeing a married man for 6 years on and off. We now live in different states so I have only seen him a couple of times in the past year. I feel like such a fool to have wasted so much time in this relationship. I was also married when it first started and unhappy in that marriage. I couldn’t continue to lie to my husband so I told him the truth and moved out 7 months after the affair started. I know that was the right thing to do since i was very unhappy and had fallen in love with someone else. So much has happened in the past 6 years. We have both tried to move on but only go a few months without contact. He has been saying for about 5 years he is divorcing her. He doesn’t have children. His wife knows about the affair. She knows it ended and restarted a couple of times. But she doesn’t know it continued for as long as it did. I haven’t seen him in a year now. But earlier this year we started texting and talking on the phone again. He said he was ready to end his marriage. He wanted to end it on his terms and not because of an affair. Its mostly due to money. That sounds so disgusting as i write it. How could I love someone like that? Because he knows how to make me feel like the most important person in the world. He has been the one to end things before. Saying he just couldn’t do it anymore. But it was also because I caught him in lies. I can see that now. I feel so stupid. I feel like such a fool. I did date for a few months. But could only think of him. I have pushed him to divorce. Supposedly, he asked her for a divorce 2 months ago. I don’t believe him. He says it takes time to sort things out. She is still with him. We had another fight about her still being there recently and he stopped