If your relationship destroyed your self-confidence and self-esteem – if you feel insecure and unsure with your boyfriend or husband– check out these solutions.
If you’re struggling with low self-confidence and a shoddy self-image, read So Long, Insecurity: You’ve Been a Bad Friend to Us. It’s one of the bestselling books on building self-confidence for women.
These tips are inspired by a comment from a reader: “My boyfriend broke up with me twice,” says S. on Getting Over an Addictive Relationship. “It’s not like he broke up with me literally but he just stopped calling or contacting me. Then I send him messages, begging him to come back…”
Below, she describes how insecure and unsure she feels in her relationship. I weave my solutions in with her comments. She’s not the only woman who let her boyfriend destroy her self-confidence and self-esteem!
When You Feel Insecure and Unsure With Your Partner
Sometimes the source of your insecurity comes from your boyfriend or husband, and sometimes it comes from yourself – your childhood, past experiences, and self-image.
Regardless of where it comes from, you need to find the strength and courage to turn it around. I think it’s easier to take back your power when your insecurity comes from external sources, because you aren’t wrestling with that internal demon.
Either way, these tips may help…
Stop crowding him – get a life! Here’s more of my reader’s comment: ”We had a huge fight because I asked to spend time together, and he says he’s busy with work and school. He’s in his last year of becoming a doctor and he’s taking an exam later this year. So, I understand…but all I need is a little time from him. He stopped communicating me for a month, and all I did was keep sending him messages, emails, invitations for movies, dinner or something. Life is so dull without him.”
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She’s relying on her boyfriend to bring meaning and excitement to her life, instead of creating her own interesting, exciting fulfilling life. Not only is this boring and dreary for her, it’s boring and dreary for him! Who wants to be the source of another person’s life? To stop feeling insecure in your love relationship, you need to create your own happy life.
Learn the dance of intimacy. Every time she moves toward him (eg, sending those invitations and emails and phone messages constantly), he moves a step back. It’s a very common dance for couples. In most relationships, one partner is the pursuer (definitely her, in this case) and a pursee (her boyfriend).
The more she pursues, the more he backs away. The solution? Stop pursuing. Give him time and space. Let him miss you! When he notices you’re not around, he’ll start pursuing you…and you’ll be too busy enjoying your life that you’ll barely notice. This is good. This is one of the best ways to stop feeling so insecure in your relationship, and unsure about yourself and your boyfriend.
Create multiple identities for yourself. Here’s a fantastic solution for low self-esteem from The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun: Create multiple identities for yourself. Instead of being “just” a wife or “just” girlfriend, be an excellent student or employee, a funny blogger, a creator of YouTube videos, a book club attendee, a musician, the best daughter in the world, etc.
The more strong, positive identities you have for yourself, the less you’ll suffer if one of them takes a hit (eg, your marriage falls apart or your boyfriend breaks up with you). The happier you are with who you are, the less you’ll need to rely on your boyfriend for indications of who you are.
Strong, positive identities will help you feel secure and sure in your relationship…or they’ll help you see that your relationship needs to end.
Stop putting your feelings above all else…because love does not conquer all. “I’m 20 and my boyfriend is 31,” says S. “I don’t care about the age gap. I care about my feelings more. I’m so in love with him but I don’t think this is healthy and I don’t deserve this. I just don’t know how to let him go.”
She needs to stop caring about her feelings so much! Feelings are unreliable, fickle, and dependent on things that have nothing to do with our relationship (eg, hormones, stress, the weather, work problems, etc).
What’s the solution? Figure out what kind of woman and girlfriend you want to be – using your head, not your feelings. For instance, I want to be a strong, self-confident woman. Instead of following my feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem, I need to focus on my thoughts of strength and self-esteem.
The 5th solution to overcoming insecurity and uncertainty in your love relationship depends on you! When was the last time you felt strong, happy, and confident with a man? Tell me about it. And, make sure that you’re the source of your self-confidence and self-esteem. Not him.
For more tips on overcoming insecurity and uncertainty in relationships, read How to Be Yourself in Your Relationship – Self-Identity and Love.