When you’re moving out of a home you share with your partner, you can him you’re leaving or just disappear. Here are a few reasons to talk about it in advance, and a few reasons to keep your move on the “down low” until you’re out.
In You Can Heal Your Life, Louise Hay says what we think about ourselves becomes the truth for us. I believe that everyone, myself included, is responsible for everything in our lives, the best and the worst. Every thought we think is creating our future. Each one of us creates our experiences by our thoughts and our feelings. The thoughts we think and the words we speak create our experiences.
If you’re confused about what you should do about your life and relationship, read this book. Learn how your thoughts are shaping your destiny. You have more power than you think! You need to reach out and find the courage and strength to make the right decisions in your life.
Are you worried you can’t live without him? Read After Breaking Up – How to Let Go of Someone You Love.
Here’s what one reader says: “I’ve packed and told him I’m going, taken most of my things to a family member’s house but Im struggling to find the strength to take that last step. Since I’ve said I’m leaving he has used my childhood against me, saying I grew up in a broken home so I think it’s okay to tear our family apart, blamed my postpartum depression, and basically is making me second guess myself. He apologizes and says he knows he’s hurt me and it will be different but in the same breath will say how it’s my fault. I’m trying so hard to be strong and go, but when you have spent 15 years learning to doubt yourself always it’s so easy for him to manipulate you. I’m afraid to take my son out his home and afraid of what will happen after.”
Her comment was on my article about stages of leaving an abusive relationship – and she articulates one of my biggest reasons NOT to tell your partner you’re leaving before you actually move out.
Should You Tell Him You’re Leaving or Secretly Move Out?
If you’re in an unhealthy relationship and you’re worried about your partner’s reaction to you leaving, then you shouldn’t tell him before you move you.
He probably won’t support your decision to move out
Leaving a man who blames you for his abuse is difficult, because at some level you think it’s your fault. This does quite the number on your self-esteem and self-image. It affects how confident you are in your ability to make a decision and stick with it.
If you’re leaving a man who wants you to stay, then don’t tell him you’re leaving.
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If you’re leaving a man who abuses you, DO NOT tell him you’re leaving. Just get your things and leave. Or, leave your things – you can buy new stuff – and take your kids, your purse, your phone, and go.
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable
We need to learn how to take action despite the self-doubts, fears, and uncertainties we feel. In How to Overcome Your Fear of Living Alone, I discuss how to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s not easy to leave a relationship – whether we’re moving out because of abuse or boredom.
Everyone feels fear and self-doubt. I second guess myself most of the time because there are pros and cons to every decision, every life choice, every action! It’s not easy to make a huge life decision. Moving out of your home and leaving a guy you’ve been with for years is a tough choice.
But, you know it’s the RIGHT decision to move out. The challenge is actually getting your butt out of the house.
Reasons to tell him you’re leaving
- You believe he’ll support or even help you
- You’ve been talking about it for months or even years, and know he won’t try to stop you
- You feel strong and confident
- You have support from your family or friends (a physical presence, if you need it)
- You have kids together, and they have a good relationship
- You think he’ll come after you, to talk about your decision to move out
There are many reasons to tell a man you’re moving out of your home. My first choice would be to talk about it, instead of just moving out when he’s at work or out of time. Then your struggle will be How to Let Go of Someone You Love.
However, sometimes the best way to leave is to move your stuff out as quickly as possible!
Reasons not to tell him you’re moving out
- You suspect he’ll hurt you physically or emotionally
- You think he’ll try to convince you to stay
- You think he may try to abduct or hurt your kids (or pets)
- You said you’re moving out before, but changed your mind
- Packing and leaving will be more emotionally wrenching with him there
The reader’s comment at the beginning of this article summarizes the main reason not to tell him you’re moving out. Some men will try to manipulate and control you, and even use your kids or pets as reasons for you to stay.
Sometimes it’s easier and safer to just move you out of your home without telling your partner, and talk about it later.
If you’re still not sure what to do, read How to Decide When to Leave a Relationship.
I welcome your thoughts on whether you should secretly move out, or tell him that you’re leaving. I can’t offer advice or counseling, but it may help you to share what you’re experiencing. Writing can bring clarity and insight.
May God’s peace and light shine on you, and lead the way.
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