Here are several reasons you can’t leave your relationship, even though you know it’s unhealthy and even abusive.
“I’m a prisoner in this relationship, I don’t know how to get away from him, I know he loves me, but I’m so tired of being controlled,” says Amy on How to Break Up With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart. “Recently I realized that this really is an unhealthy relationship because he won’t leave his wife. He loves her and his kids. And yet I can’t leave him because I love him. He keeps saying all the right things to keep me in this relationship, and even he says it’s unhealthy for both of us. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be free if his hold on me. What is wrong with me?”
There are many reasons women can’t just walk away from a man — even when it’s the unhealthiest of relationships. To truly be free, you need to figure out why you’re staying. What is your motivation? What are you getting from this relationship that you don’t believe you’ll get from anyone or anywhere else? I can’t tell you what your reasons for staying are, but I can share some research I found on why women stay in unhealthy relationships…
One of the most interesting research studies shows that fear of being alone is one reason women stay in unhealthy relationships. Women who are worried about single for the rest of their lives will settle for less, and even tolerate abuse from a man.
Loneliness is a painful experience, especially if you aren’t comfortable or happy being alone. The best way to combat this is to learn how to be single after a relationship ends.
Why You Can’t Leave an Unhealthy Relationship
The following three reasons for not leaving unhealthy relationships are the most common ones. However, just because they’re common doesn’t mean they relate to you!
The only person who can truly know why you can’t leave an unhealthy relationship is you. You need to dig into your own psyche and find your inner truth. You won’t find your own answers anywhere but inside you.
But, these reasons many women can’t leave unhealthy relationships may help you uncover your own truths…
You blame yourself for the relationship problems
In her comment on my article about dating an unhealthy, unavailable man, Amy said something is wrong with her. If she believes that, then she’s more likely to stay in an unhealthy relationship because it reinforces her belief. It’s a never-ending cycle!
There’s nothing wrong with you. You are caught in a powerful dynamic of love and hope, abuse and disappointment. Your boyfriend or husband knows how to control and manipulate you, and he knows how to keep blaming you so you stay in this relationship.
This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you’re hopeful that he’ll keep his promise and change his behavior. You love him and want a future with him. You feel like you can’t leave this relationship – no matter how unhealthy it is – because you’re caught in a cycle that is actually normal for abusers and their partners.
Your boyfriend or husband blames you
Sometimes men blame women for causing problems and creating unhealthy relationships. They say the woman is stupid, bad, or worthless. Women believe their partners, and so they stay.
What does your partner say about you, your relationship, your life together? What do you believe? Take time to write down what you know is true, what you believe in your heart and soul. Write down what your boyfriend or husband says to you…and write down your own truth. Are they the same? Where are your beliefs coming from?
Take time to sort through what he says versus what you know is true in your life and relationship. This is how you will get healthy and strong – emotionally, spiritually, and even physically.
You can’t see past the hurdles
Here’s what clinical psychologist Craig Malkin wrote about why women stay in unhealthy relationships:
“There are other, well-documented hurdles to women leaving their abusive partner. For one, the abused are often cut off from friends and financial supports. For another, they’re often afraid to leave, and with good reason (more than 70% of domestic violence injuries and murders happen after the victim has left). One can’t escape a dangerous situation if it feels safer to stay. But perhaps one of the most formidable and dangerous obstacles abuse victims face is their own searing guilt and shame; they’re incredibly adept at blaming themselves for the abuse.”
This is from his article, Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships? Dr Malkin also says that many women cling to the positive traits of their partners, such as his love, dependability, and seemingly sincere apologies.
Tell me: why can’t you leave your unhealthy relationship?
It’s your turn: list five reasons you’re staying in this unhealthy relationship with your partner. Learn why women stay in unhealthy relationships, and start figuring out what your motivations are. You don’t have to make plans to leave…just start forgiving yourself and stop blaming yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
And, keep talking about your relationship. Tell your family and friends – people you trust. Don’t let your partner isolate you. You will find strength if you reach outwards for help and support. Remember that you are stronger than you know. Your strength may be hidden or deeply buried, but it’s there. You have the power to change your life, and you deserve to be surrounded by beauty, love, and respect.
If you can’t leave, read How to Be Happy Even in an Unhealthy Relationship.
Your comments are welcome below. I’d love to hear from you! I can’t give relationship advice, but you will find it helpful to write your story. Writing can help you sort through your emotions and figure out what you truly believe about yourself, your relationship, and your partner.
Is your relationship in trouble? Get 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage from relationship coach Mort Fertel. It's free and helpful, no strings attached.
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