These answers to the “why am I not getting pregnant?” question will help you see different options for starting a family. They’re inspired by A Parable of Hope.
If you suspect or know that infertility is part of your life, read Navigating the Land of If: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options by Melissa Ford. She started the extremely successful blogs Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters, and shares her hard-earned knowledge and insights, helping couples struggling with infertility understand the lingo, learn the details doctors tend to leave out, and keep their emotional sanity despite seemingly insurmountable obstacles.
If you’re depressed about not getting pregnant, it may help you to take some sort of action. Maybe this means reading about infertility – or maybe it means exploring options for women who can’t get pregnant. This blog post doesn’t list every possible option (that would take a book!), but it does offer a few suggestions for couples coping with infertility…
A Parable of Hope
“Why am I not getting pregnant?” Sarah asked the doctor. “What is wrong with me?”
After seven long years of fertility tests, infertility treatments, and negative pregnancy sticks, the doctor finally told Sarah that she would never have children. Sarah was shattered, shocked, and heartbroken. She locked herself in her room. She took to her bed, refusing to eat, bathe, or even talk to her husband. She stayed in her room for a week.
It would take a miracle to for Sarah to get pregnant – and God was in the business of miracles, wasn’t He? So Sarah shut out everything, and prayed with all her mind, soul, and strength. She knew she would never get pregnant unless God intervened.
Her phone beeped – it was an email invitation to volunteer at a local fundraiser for the lost girls in Nigeria, at a nearby community center. Of course she felt sad about the girls who were kidnapped and sold into marriage or worse…but all she could think about was why she wasn’t getting pregnant. She wanted a baby so badly.
“No thank you, I can’t be involved in the fundraiser,” emailed Sarah to the organizers. “All my energy is being used to focus on starting a family. After I have my own baby, maybe I can help you.”
Her husband knocked on her door. “Sarah, let me in,” he said. “I know you’re upset, but I love you very much. Let’s talk about other ways to be happy together, maybe even consider options for starting a family. Can we move forward together?”
“No thank you honey,” said Sarah. “I love you too, but all I’ve ever wanted is to have a child. I’m praying to God and I’m sure He will help us start a family. That’s all that matters to me right now – that we can be happy as a family.”
The next day, her sister came to the door. “Sarah, my friend desperately needs help caring for her three young children,” she said. “Her husband left her, she’s pregnant with their fourth, and they have no money or even a place to live. I can only help her so much – we really need help looking after the kids.”
“I wish I could,” said Sarah, “but it would break my heart to be around children and a pregnant woman. I could never handle that! I’m sorry but I can’t help you.”
She sank deeper and deeper into depression. She was weak with hunger, emotionally devastated because she hadn’t been talking to anyone, and psychologically defeated. She wasn’t even spiritually strong because she wasn’t listening to God – she was only begging Him to answer the ‘why am I not getting pregnant?’ question.
Sarah was hospitalized; the doctors called it an emotional breakdown. She was comatose because of lack of food, water, or emotional sustenance. In her delirious state, she imagined she was in Heaven, meeting God face to face.
“Lord, why am I here in heaven?” she asked. “I prayed for You to help me start a family, save my marriage, and give me the baby I wanted so badly. I trusted You! Where were you?”
“My precious child,” said the Lord. “I sent you lost girls to love, a devoted husband to care for, and a family who needed your help. In helping them, you would’ve saved yourself – and you would’ve found the love you crave. But you didn’t listen to me.”
Options for Women Who Can’t Get Pregnant
The Parable of Hope is meant to show you that you have options. The choices that are in front of you may not be exactly what you planned for your life, but they may lead to life that is fuller, more exciting, and more meaningful than you could ever have imagined! Hold on to hope that even if you can’t get pregnant right now, you can still be happy beyond your wildest dreams.
Wrestling with the why am I not getting pregnant? question can be exhausting. If you’re on the brink of emotional and spiritual meltdown, read Emotional Health Tips for Women Not Getting Pregnant.
And here are a few options for women who aren’t getting pregnant…
Believe that there is a reason you aren’t getting pregnant
My husband and I can’t have kids because of sperm production and health issues. Ever since we discovered we’re a couple coping with infertility (hence the start of this blog!), I’ve always thought that God was protecting us from something. There is a reason we can’t start a family. Maybe our baby would’ve struggled with an emotional, psychological, or physical health issue that was too much for us to handle. Maybe we’ve would’ve had miscarriage after miscarriage.
Focus on the thoughts and beliefs that bring you comfort and peace
I don’t know why not getting pregnant is our story…but I truly believe there is a reason. This belief – which I may never find out the truth about – brings me peace, comfort, and security. I even feel joyful when I think that God is protecting and loving me by ruling out the option of starting a family. I trust Him.
If spirituality isn’t your cup of tea, read I Really Want a Baby, But I’m Not Getting Pregnant. There, you’ll find practical tips and options for women who can’t get pregnant.
Open the door to different options for couples who can’t get pregnant
Starting an infertility blog wasn’t for me – though that’s always an option! My husband and I also discussed fostering children, adopting a baby, and even opening our home to overseas students. But none of those options for starting a family really “spoke” to us. We did adopt a couple of dogs, though, and we’re both involved in the Big Sisters Big Brothers Organization in Vancouver. He’s a Big Brother, and I’m a Big Sister – and we’ll be celebrating our third anniversary with our Littles very soon!
In the above paragraph alone, there are five options for women who can’t seem to let go of the “why am I not getting pregnant” question. I know it’s heartbreaking to let go of your dream of starting a family with your husband or partner. It’s a sliver in my heart, too, and it’ll never totally be gone. But if not getting pregnant is your story – like it is mine – then the only way to be happy, healthy, and fulfilled is to accept that you need to find different ways to start your family.
Reach outside yourself
“As impossible as this may seem (in infertility), try to reach outside of yourself and realize all of the things that you are able to do for now because you do not have children,” says Sara Dormon, author of So You Want to Adopt…Now What? A Practical Guide for Navigating the Adoption Process. “There are seasons in life, and for now yours is an unfettered one. Allow God to use you in the present. The best way to help alleviate your pain is to try to help others alleviate their pain.”
The Parable of Hope illustrates three ways to help relieve the pain of others. Any one of those options would actually relieve your own pain, and give you hope for your future.
I welcome your comments on these options for women not getting pregnant. I can’t offer counseling or advice, but it may help you to share your experience. If you have any thoughts on the Parable of Hope, please do share!