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When You Lose a Baby – How to Overcome Sadness and Keep Trying

Yes, you can overcome the stress and sadness of losing a baby, and keep trying to get pregnant! These tips are inspired by a reader who miscarried a baby and desperately wants to be a mother…

“I have been trying to conceive (TTC) for 10 months, and I did get pregnant after four months of trying,” says Joy on Dealing With Disappointment of Not Being Pregnant – 6 Tips. “But that ended in a miscarriage at 6 weeks. I cannot tell you how devastated I was and still am today…Any ideas how to reduce the stress and sadness of losing a baby and keep trying for another baby?”

I think it’s important to mourn your miscarriage – it’s a real, serious loss. Reading books like Grieving the Child I Never Knew will show you you’re not alone, and help you process the grief. Remember that the grief and sadness of losing a baby is ongoing…and will probably be with you for the rest of your life. You’ll never really “get over it” – and you’ll never forget.


Some of these tips for overcoming the sadness of losing a baby and coping with the stress of trying to get pregnant are from women who have walked down the same road…

Overcome Sadness When You Lose a Baby – and Keep Trying to Get Pregnant

“As someone who went through fertility treatments for three years after trying on our own for two years, I’m not sure there is any way to ‘cope,’ says Linda. “My infertility was deemed unexplained until I hit 42 and my hormones began changing. I think the doctor was relieved to have a reason why I couldn’t get pregnant. The stress reliever that worked for me at the time was acupuncture and exercise.”

You’ll never completely get over the loss you’ve suffered, but you can try different ways to find peace. Learn how different people cope when they loss a baby. For instance, Miscarriage Support – How to Cope With Pregnancy Loss was written by a man whose wife lost more than one baby.

Here’s more of my reader’s story:

“My periods are irregular and doctors will not do anything for 12 months,” says J. “I am just tired of waiting. My cycles have now become 40 days long, so I don’t ovulate until day 26. My doctors said if this continues they are going to try Clomid. I am just so frustrated and this pregnancy has become such a process that I never thought it would be.”

Find natural ways to regulate your cycle

Irregular menstrual cycles are often the result of unbalanced hormones. If you haven’t tried acupuncture for infertility, I encourage you to call a naturopathic doctor. Another natural way to balance your hormones is yoga for fertility. These natural remedies will also calm and relax you, and help reduce the sadness and stress of losing your baby.

You want to keep trying to get pregnant – but you also want to be as healthy as possible!

Distract yourself in healthy ways

“We pretty much withdrew from the world during much of this time [trying to get pregnant with fertility treatments,” says Kelly James-Enger, coauthor of The Belated Baby: A Guide to Parenting After Infertility. "Only our closest friends knew what we were going through, but even they couldn’t understand the pain we were experiencing. I got good at protecting myself and not putting myself in situations where I would suffer – like baby showers. My husband and I tried to see the humor in things, and watched a lot of movies. I read a lot. Basically I looked for ways to distract myself from the pain we were in. Did it help? A little. But that time in my life just basically sucked on most levels.”

While you’re waiting and trying to conceive, why don’t you try new things? Volunteer at an animal shelter or homeless shelter. Go visit elderly people in a senior’s home. Do something good for your community. Make your life about more than being sad that you lost a baby, and trying to get pregnant! Expand yourself.

Take control of your thoughts – don’t let your emotions rule you

My reader says, "It’s hard to enjoy sex with my husband when we are timing sex to every other day…takes all the romance out of it. Again, each day it seems someone I know is getting pregnant. I just want to be a mother so bad.”


And…

“Many of my friends and family say I am putting too much stress on myself and that is why I am not getting pregnant, but it’s hard not to stress about it. Each time I see a pregnant person I think about how far along I would have been if the first pregnancy would have lasted.”

Reducing the sadness losing a baby is as simple (and as difficult!) as controlling what you think about. Your emotions are a direct result of your thoughts…which are completely under your control. You need to learn how to replace those negative thoughts with positive, uplifting, cheerful, and hopeful ones. If you want to keep trying to get pregnant after you lose a baby, remember that you create what you think about.

Focus on what you want – your dream of having children

What you focus on grows and becomes stronger. If you focus on the stress and sadness of losing your baby, those feelings will become stronger. If you focus on how hard it is to not be a mom, not have children, and not get pregnant right away, then you’ll continue your gloomy, depressing, unhappy, sad, stressed life.

I know it’s hard not to stress about getting pregnant…but you have to find the strength and courage to take control of your thoughts.

Never lose hope – and keep trying for a baby in a happy, positive way!

“When I first started experiencing infertility, I was 35 and I already had one child. I had become pregnant easily the first time, so I wasn’t expecting any problems the second time. My husband and I ended up trying for 4 years to have another child, and after 5 pregnancy losses, I finally sought the help of a reproductive endocrinologist,” says Elise Varkonyi. “The way I coped during those years was to never lose hope that I would have another child, and to remind myself how lucky I was to have my daughter.  It wasn’t always easy; it seemed everywhere I looked I saw pregnant women. Then I would feel sad and depressed and wonder why it wasn’t me who was pregnant–and yet, I was determined that we would have another child.”

For tips on getting pregnant, read When You Want a Baby But Your Body Isn’t Cooperating.


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What do you think of these ways to reduce the sadness of losing a baby – and keep trying to get pregnant? Comments welcome below…

1 thought on “When You Lose a Baby – How to Overcome Sadness and Keep Trying”

  1. Well, my story is a sad one so far… At the age of 18 I was told by a doctor that I would never be able to have kids. I thought about those words for several years after they were spoken. My mother had 5 children and my grandmother had 13! I love babies and always wanted a family of my own. When I meet my husband it was mentioned that I was never going to be able to have kids. He was saddened by this but he loved me and so he took it on the chin. Our sex life was amazing and there was no need for protection, birth control, etc… At 22 I was rushed to the hospital with sever abdominal cramping, I was told that I was 2 weeks pregnant!! But unfortunately, the baby was growing outside of the womb (ectopic). I went under the knife and had to have he/she removed… After another doctor’s visit, I was told that I have PCOS which isn’t infertility but it would be hard to get pregnant. So Doctor and I worked out a plan to get me pregnant again. I was to take birth control pills for 3-4 months to regulate my cycle, then on month 5 take clomid to enhance the amount of eggs that would be developed. So I followed the instruction given to me to the “T”. I would be pregnant again! My dreams would finally come true!! So on Thanksgiving day 2008 I took a pregnancy test… POSITIVE!! I ran out the bathroom hugged and kiss my husband shouting out the words i never thought I would’ve ever say… “I’m Pregnant!” My husband took a seat placed his head in his hands and tears came out. It was the happiest moment of my life… The pregnancy was amazing… no problems as far as nausea, growth, nothing… Then it happened, 6 months in, I thought it was Braxton hicks contractions so I continued about my day. Working and doing my normal daily chores… at 8pm thaty night I was taken in to the emergency room. My son’s foot was in my vaginal canal, I was fully dialated and absolutely no way to stop him from coming out tonight. I was rushed into the emergency room and was put under… they took him out at 1.2 lbs… I saw him, I remember saying that he was too small! They brought him to my room the next day, i touched his hands and he clasped my index finger with his entire hand. I prayed with him… I prayed to please be with us… The next day I was awoken by my frantic husband. they had moved my son to ICU at another hospital and he is now experiencing complications. My stomach felt the pain as I got out of the hospital bed. My stomach still had the fresh cut and I felt as if my intestines would fall out. But I got out of the bed, got out of the hospital and rushed to the hospital 30 mins away. I got there just in time to hold my son, see him take his last breath and feel his body go cold in my arms… I cried… for days… I questioned why did this have to happen to me!! The pain in my heart to this day is so strong… it will never go away, it’s 2011 and the husband and I have now decided to start trying again. I did give up but eveyone is different and you have to decide when you will be ready again…

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