Surrogate Mothers and Parents – Tips for Surrogacy Parenthood

Infertile couples may find surrogacy parenthood is the best way to conceive a baby. These tips for surrogate mothers and parents (usually couples coping with infertility) are from a woman with a great deal of experience as a surrogate mom…

Before the tips, a quip about raising kids:

“Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother,” said Oprah Winfrey.

It’s not who gives birth to a child that makes someone a mother! True parenthood is about raising, loving, teaching, and preparing your kids for their own lives. To learn more about surrogacy, read Pathways to Parenthood: The Ultimate Guide to Surrogacy by Stacy Ziegler.

And, here are tips for surrogate parenthood from an experienced surrogate mother…

Surrogate Mothers and Parents – Tips for Surrogacy Parenthood

These tips are from a woman who has acted as a surrogate mother for couples who can’t have their own children due to infertility or lifestyle choices.

Tips for Surrogate Mothers

Read everything with a grain of salt.  Know that it is painful to give up a child, but also realize there is some contact afterwards. Make sure that’s in the contract! 

Put your wishes in the written contract. Don’t trust anything that is just stated verbally. Make sure it’s in the contract! This is a very emotional experience, and you need someone looking out for you.

Have the intended parents sign a confidentiality agreement so you can quote it when needed. 

Consider additional embryos. Know how many embryos they are transferring and the grade: educate yourself and be prepared.  If you don’t want to go through a reduction, then don’t let them transfer additional embryos.

Don’t make decisions when you’re taking fertility medications. Once you start fertility medications, it’s not the time to make any important decisions!  Hire an attorney to stand up for you, and NEVER hire one attorney to represent both sides (it’s a conflict of interest – if the intended parents are paying, who is he really going to fight for?).

Have a sense of humor! You won’t believe the stupid stuff people ask – and have a witty comeback. I had a doctor ask if I slept with the intended parents — “Um, yeah her egg just shot out of her, met his sperm and went into my uterus!”  He realized what he said afterward – but still have the comments ready. 

Be prepared for opinions. Everyone has an opinion, and it’s usually negative. Sure you’ll get the “That’s awesome!” to your face. Some people say stuff about how it’s playing God and even accuse you of selling a baby. No one truly understands surrogate motherhood, so find people who do, and rely on them to fend off the idiots.  

Tips for Intended Parents (Couples Coping With Infertility)

Admit you need help.  Mourn your infertility, and truly accept help.  I’ve worked with gay men who have nothing short of temper tantrums that it isn’t fair that they can’t have children. I agree – it’s not fair – but surrogacy gives you a way to have a biological child! It’s also not fair that some traditional couples also cope with infertility. One thing I was told growing up is that life isn’t fair…and it’s true.  

Be yourself. Don’t put on an act when you meet your surrogate mother. Be yourself – but not so much that you offend her! I’ve had both. The couple that put the act on hunted us down to tell us we were making a mistake, and that they were perfect.  I explained to them that I felt they were putting on an act and they admitted it and didn’t think it was wrong.  They went thru about 6 or 7 other surrogates, getting turned down each time until they finally were real with a surrogate. They’ve gone on to have two kids. It took them many years to get there, though. So, accept why you need a surrogate, and go for it! 

Relax, you’re pregnant! I’m laughing because your won’t be able to relax for about 20 years. Say thank you!  Thank the doctors, the nurses, the surrogate even though everything is going on with her – it’s ultimately for you, so be grateful and show it. 

Let the doctors do their jobs. Just because you read that someone’s niece’s dog walker did a particular thing with a surrogate mother, don’t push it and insist for that.  You trusted the surrogate mother’s body to get pregnant, so trust it to deliver. Even though you are in control, ask the surrogate what she wants and if it’s okay to step in. 

Relax, laugh and just enjoy your new life with baby!

To learn more, read Surrogate Motherhood – How and Why Women Get Pregnant for Infertile Couples.

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