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How to Forgive Yourself for Not Being Able to Get Pregnant

Some couples coping with infertility struggle with feelings of guilt or shame. These tips for forgiving yourself for not getting pregnant may help you deal with past choices that are may have caused infertility and problems getting pregnant.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~ Lewis B. Smedes.

Are you imprisoned by chains of guilt, blame, anger, or regret because of something you did in the past, which may or may not have lead to infertility today? Coping with childlessness is difficult, and it’s even worse when you allow guilty feelings to chance how you see yourself.

You tried to get pregnant, and you did all you could. You did the best you could back then, and you’re doing the best you can today. If you just can’t get rid of those guilty feelings, read How to Forgive Ourselves — Totally: Begin Again by Breaking Free from Past Mistakes. And, here are five tips for forgiving yourself for infertility…

Forgiving Yourself for Infertility

1. Learn what “you did the best you could” really means. You made choices in your past that may have affected your fertility or ability to get pregnant today. You did the best you could back then, which means you made the best decision based on your circumstances, personality, past experiences, the people surrounding you, and what you thought was right. You didn’t know what long-term consequences your decision would have…you were just doing what you could.

2. Accept that forgiveness is a daily task. Forgiving yourself for infertility is something you may have to do every day, until you eventually let go. We don’t just forgive ourselves and are magically free from guilt, regret, shame, or self-flagellation. It takes time and dedication to forgive ourselves for things that may have caused us not to get pregnant today! If your struggles with infertility are affecting your marriage, read Tips for Keeping Your Marriage Strong in Infertility.

3. Remind yourself that it’s in the past. This tip for forgiving yourself for infertility works for any past mistake: remember that you’re not doing that activity today. You wouldn’t choose it today. It’s part of who you are today, but it’s not who you are today. Maybe you made a mistake; acknowledge it and move on. You owe it to yourself to choose to be healthy!

4. Remember that you’re not alone. Other individuals or couples coping with infertility are dealing with the same regrets, guilty feelings, or unfortunate choices. Nobody is immune to making mistakes affect the future! Sometimes it helps to remember that you’re not the only one who made certain choices or mistakes, and you’re not the only one who is struggling to forgive yourself for infertility. Many people struggle with guilt, regrets, and shame. If you think you might be falling into depression, read Overcoming Depression When You Can’t Get Pregnant.

5. Talk to a counselor. If you can’t stop struggling with regret, blame, or shame – if you can’t forgive yourself for “causing” your infertility or problems getting pregnant, go see a counselor. Talk to someone who understands, who can help you see that infertility isn’t your fault. A fertility counselor can help you see your life and choices more objectively. For more help, read Tips for Couples Coping With Infertility.

If you have any thoughts or questions on these tips for forgiving yourself for infertility, please comment below…

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6 thoughts on “How to Forgive Yourself for Not Being Able to Get Pregnant”

  1. What if your husband doesn’t think you’re the problem? What if he loves you for who you are, regardless of whether or not you have biological children together? What if he’d rather have you than a different woman who can get pregnant?

    What would it be like if you didn’t see yourself as the problem in your marriage?

  2. I know this post is old, but does anyone ever feel like they are holding their partners back from a normal life? Has anyone ever considered leaving their relationship so the other has hope of having a child. I’m tired of being the problem i our marriage.

  3. If they can’t get pregnant, some people believe they’re being “punished” for something they did in the past. I completely agree with you that it’s the biological, physical, physiological issues in the body that prevents pregnancy…but some people believe that their past behavior contributes to their current physical body and ability to get pregnant.

    It sounds like making mistakes in the past isn’t something that concerns you…but it does affect other people!

  4. Why is there so much emphasis on making ‘mistakes in the past’?? Fertility is not usually associated with someone’s bad decisions they made when they were younger, it’s a biological, physical and physiological issue in the body and hardly bound to any mistakes someone had made when they were younger. Perhaps gather your facts correctly before writing articles that seem to blame the person for making ‘mistakes’ that have lead to their inability to have children…