Should You Stay With a Boyfriend Who Slept With His Ex?

Should you stay with your boyfriend after he slept with his ex girlfriend? You love him, but you’re so hurt. How could he do this to you? And will he cheat on you again? Here are three questions to ask yourself before deciding what to do after you find out your boyfriend had sex with his ex-girlfriend.

“My boyfriend cheated, plain and simple,” says Amanda on Why Your Boyfriend Cheated: A Relationship Style That Leads to Affairs. “I don’t know how to deal with it. Before we got together, he had a girlfriend who was pregnant. He said he didn’t love her – in fact he hated her. He was sticking around for the pregnancy. We slept together that night. I felt horrible, but I still loved him (I’d pined for him for 10 years before this). This was the start of our affair, which lasted 2 months. He finally broke up with his partner and we started a formal relationship. Recently, I found out he was still sleeping with her after we got together. He said he kept this relationship going with his ex-girlfriend in secret so he could see his child. Since then he’s been faithful. What should I do?”

It depends. Some women couldn’t ever forgive their boyfriends after an affair (that would be me), while others are willing to rebuild their relationship (a friend of mine stayed with her cheating husband, and has no regrets).

What you do about a cheating boyfriend depends on several things. These three questions will help you decide if you should stay or break up with him.

How often has your boyfriend cheated in the past?

The best way to predict future behavior is by looking at past behavior. If your boyfriend cheated on his previous girlfriend with you, then he’s more likely to cheat on you with his next girlfriend. If your boyfriend hangs out with guys and gals who cheat or who think there’s nothing wrong with cheating, then he’s more likely to cheat on you again. People absorb the qualities and values of the people they spend their time with.

Being vulnerable and authentic is one of the scariest things about falling in love – especially if they’ve been hurt in past relationships. If you’ve made a lot of relationship mistakes, you may be unwilling or even unable to tell the truth about your boyfriend to your friends and family. If you’re struggling to decide what to do about a boyfriend who sleeps with his ex girlfriend, talk to someone you trust. Work through your decision and make a smart choice.

Some girlfriends are 100% certain their boyfriends won’t cheat again. They trust their boyfriends, but they still feel jealous and insecure. If this is you, read How to Cope With Jealousy When Your Boyfriend Sees His Ex.

How many times has your boyfriend lied to others – and to you?

If you know your boyfriend lies to other people – especially friends and family! – then he is probably lying to you, too. He may say he loves you and he’d never lie to you, but you can’t trust a guy who isn’t honest with other people.

Stop making the same relationship mistakes. Be being willing to let go of your old patterns…and your hope of saving a relationship that you know isn’t good for you. Be open to change and compromise; learn how to make your new relationship strong and healthy. One of the most difficult things in life is to initiate and sustain long-lasting healthy changes in our lives…but it’s the only healthy way to live. And, it’s one of the best things you could do for yourself.

Do you trust yourself to make the right decision about your boyfriend?

Some women stay in unhealthy, abusive, or uncomfortable relationships because they don’t think anyone else will love them. I stayed with a moron for far too long, because I was lazy. I didn’t want to begin the work of breaking up, healing from the breakup, and dating someone new. What if I never fell in love again? What if I got hurt again?

Some women may also feel like they’ve invested months, years, or decades in this relationship, so they don’t want to walk away. It’s hard to quit something you’ve been at a long time, whether it’s a relationship, a job, a book, or a house. Seriously. It’s harder to walk away and start over than it is to stay stuck.

If you’re staying with your boyfriend even though he slept with his ex girlfriend, you may not trust yourself to make the right decision. Remember that different relationships end for different reasons. If you can figure out the reasons your relationship failed, you’ll be less likely to make the same mistakes in the future. Do you keep choosing the wrong type of partner? Do you sabotage your relationship by hiding your true thoughts and feelings? Are you afraid of commitment or intimacy?

For more information, read Can You Forgive and Rebuild Trust After an Affair?.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

20 thoughts on “Should You Stay With a Boyfriend Who Slept With His Ex?”

  1. I have been the other woman for years, and I can tell you it is primarily because of the man doesn’t feel appreciated as a whole individual person. I have been married for 13 years and I make a point of telling my husband every day he is loved and wanted. I make a point of spoiling him whether it be by bringing his cup of coffee to him in bed or making his plate for him. I buy his favorite snack for him, or just sit at night and love on him affectionately to show I care. I know there are women who are going to get pissed because of the things i say. Men are just like children, they need constant attention. I have “dated” this married man for 5 years, the main reason he says he has an affair with me is because of the special attention i give him on a frequent basis. I wish the women luck with their husbands. Don’t be afraid to try new positions, or be spontaneous in their love life.

  2. It’s been 5 months of our relationship and still running. I love him and I want to spend my life with him but the incidence that took place still startles me-
    After 3 months of our relationship his ex gf who’d left him did come back to him and wanted to make things work between them but he didn’t agree yet he became engrossed in helping her to heal. Within a month he started talking to her and even went to her place. At first I thought I’m ok with it and even suggested him to help her go to clinic as she wasn’t doing well but soon after the frequent to and fro started happening and that did upset me a lot. One day we were suppose to go to watch movie and he told me he better go there and check her out … I didn’t utter a word but got hurt and cried when he came back and told him that such actions will only give her false hopes. Another such instance was when we were sleeping and he was telling me repeatedly that his chest is paining when I told him that it could be due to his backpain he nodded but when I went through his phone he had texted her saying that it’s because she’s in pain and suffering…. And the final blow was when I was talking to him over phone and heard her speaking at his door to which I ended the call and went to his place to see him suffering from his backpain… night before sleeping I asked him if anything beyond hugs happened to which he responded “Nope” but slowly started opening up and finally doged the bullet saying that he got physical with her. I thought I got healed after crying and feeling hurt for 3 days continuously but still it’s taking me time to cope with it. He isn’t an unavailable man and has fully is aware of the mistakes he made. In fact it was his family who were telling him continuously about her trying to create breach between us and I too could sense that his intentions of helping her was pure but that women was sleaky enough to make things ruin between us and she succeeded and made me lose it all. He says we are strong and that the past shouldn’t bother us but at times I feel like asking him everything that happened between him and his ex so that I have all my doubts cleared. Breaking up is not even an option for me coz I know we both love each other and want to get through the turmoil but suggestions of how to get over the thoughts is pretty much needed and would be grateful if anyone gives me a positive advice.

  3. Thank you! I definitely needed to read that and very much appreciate what you had to say. It sucks a&@! It just stinks.

  4. My live in partner is still seeing his ex. And they are still having sex.. i found out to his phone hes asking and hes on his way. Hes been doing this not at once but many times. I dnt know what to do because we have a daughter and its hard to leave coz i love him. I need an advice . Please help me..

  5. My boyfriend and I were both virgins and were planning that we would lose them together when we both were ready…im not sure what I did…but he went to his ex (she lives closer btw) and he lost it to her…im still a virgin because I wanted to wait for the perfect time…..then I didn’t even find out from him instead my friend told me i was crying for hours (now I have a headache and no more tears to cry) he still says he wants me and I still love him and I forgive him but I just don’t know if I trust him…he has even made a joke about it already…we arnt together rn I’m trying to think through all of it and process it (it only happened today) and I don’t know who to go to because no one knows except my best friend (the one who told me) and she doesn’t know how to help

    1. Hey Alexis Keller.. I had same situation.. but my boyfriend told me about this matter but I said no. And now I can’t stop missing him. Can you help me about it ?

  6. I am eight months pregnant and my husband has been cheating with his ex since January. I feel like my life is over. I can’t handle the pain. I am hurting so much. But i have to move on for the sake of my son. He just told me that he wants his ex back and he will do everything possible to make their relationship work. The other part of me wants to forgive him but i can’t. I deserve better than what he is giving me.

  7. I’ve been going out with this guy for a month he’s been here every night and day and all of a sudden last night he tells me he’s going to go with his boys and his ex-girlfriend lives by my best friend I go there too in the morning and his car is there he only left because I told him I was on my way to my friends. I saw him leave he calls me and wants to come over tonight. What do I do I know I should leave him what was the point of Faking me out being kind giving me stuff doing things for me always being with me and all of a sudden run back to your ex the night after we were together and he’s going to come back what was the point of cheating in the first place

  8. i have been in relationship for 4 years…it was a long distance relationship…and we use to meet in a month or so….he use to always …protect about a girl and told that she was his best friend….i went through their chats and found out he was sleeping with her…all these years…and when i inquired more…the girl said..she was his ex and had no idea about us….she said..because..he couldn’t get over him…they stayed friends…and because they have always…been sleeping before couldn’t stop the urge of being with each other that way…when i questioned my bf about this…he gave e the reason that since she was in depression …she went sex so..he slept with her….coz he wanted her to come out of depression and she her…happy…while his ex said…it was no forcefully we had it as grown up….
    my guy even said he stopped before 2 months coz he thought he was really in love with me…..i couldn’t bear this…i m going through depression myself….i really love him…but cant forgive him to what damage he has done to me…my question is does he really love me??

    1. In my mind if they really love us they won’t cheat. Just like with us girls when were really into them and we want this relationship with them do we cheat? Some have an addiction but most of us don’t. So a man should be able to do the same thing if not not worth it. Easier said than done to do when your heart is involved or hopes and emotions.

  9. I found out two days ago that my boyfriend of the past year slept with his ex girlfriend, he said it was months ago and a mistake and it only happened once he keeps apologising but refuses to cut contact with her as he picks her kids up once a week for a few hours there not his but he raised one of them since they were born she’s 4 now I don’t no way to do and I am all over the place I love him so much but I feel sick, to make matters worse he lives in England and I live in Ireland I haven’t spoke to anyone about what happened because it’s to painful I feel demoralised and betrayed he keeps asking me for a fresh start and I don’t no what to do ?? ?

  10. Sleeping with an ex, it’s a sign they think with their sexual member and not with the head on top of the shoulders, but, to cover and hide their moves they have a list of excuses for this very sick behaviour, generally saying it’s the ex’s fault because she’s too needy, has a miserable life, has no friends, feels lonely, and, because of it, the “ex” uses subtle manipulation to get their attention back! Don’t fall for it!!!!

    My own story proves how sick it can be! My boyfriend was keeping in the background a “so supposed former/ex girlfriend” for at least, eight years, I repeat EIGHT years! When I started my relationship with him, she was already in the background, as he has cheated on his former girlfriends with that same “ex” as well! It wouldn’t matter if he was involved in a nice relationship, because sporadically he visited his “ex”! Due to it, that sick ex (full of malice, of course – though he always denied she was a poisoned, toxic person, willed to destroy any new relationship he could get), knew everything about his life in detail, his new relationships, while the “official” partner knew nothing about what was going on behind her back, obviously! That “ex” was kept for all those years, despite the fact he didn’t love her. The only reason was sex, and, the thrill of keeping that woman (that was nothing than an idiot, willed to put up with any bad behaviour on his part, just to have fun using him as well and with a chance to laugh in the back of his “official” girlfriends, like saying “you may have him now, but in the end, it is going to be me to get him”. And she was convinced this was going to be the outcome because the signs he was giving her, made her believe it! So, even if she was the most stupid self-centered, lacking a brain and boundaries, it was his fault, because it was him playing her game, because he thought he was the one in control and it was just about…. sex, meaning nothing, so any nice official relationship he could have, would never be affected, because his affair, was meaningless! It’s a lie! It was a game she started and he played it to feel powerful, with her acceptance! How sick!

    If you find yourself in this position, dump the man immediatly and don’t look back! Let the man feel miserable with this type of partner, because they really deserve each other, and, they must end together to get miserable! It’s karma!

    Be strong!

    1. Wow you hate the ex that he was using more than you hate HIM (even though it was HE who cheated on YOU, not her). Doesn’t seem like the smartest thing to do when your boyfriend sleeps with his ex.

      1. I agree with you Vicki! the same thing happened with me except it was for years. But for me, I am really starting to believe my man who I’ve been living with for 4 months and been with for 9months isn’t over his ex and may have been cheating on me with her throughout the entire time of us being together. There was major drama that went down on New Years , unexpected drama. One of my friends is friends with my mans ex. They talked and apparently my friend ( whos name is Mike) told me he had some things that he felt I needed to know. He told me he was still involved with his ex ( Sara). My bf told me that it was all lies and that he stopped seeing her in May2016..but we made things official in April of 2016. That’s all that he admitted to. So I told Mike that if she didn’t have concrete proof that I am going to stay with my man and continue on with our relationship because I thought it was solid. Well…. she contacts me on FB to let me know of the concrete proof… at that point, me and my man were kind of over. She told me these times where they were out together and hooked up over at her apartment. She said they’d go out on their lunch breaks to hook up or just have lunch. She said that he bought her a couch and a table My man denies it and says they’ve only been friendly and they’d just talk about things going on in their lives so of course she knows about events that went on in his life. He feels that shes just mad because he chose me over her. She told me that he took her to his friends/Coworkers birthday party. She also said that there were times he’d go through her phone. All of these things had me wondering if all this were true. I don’t know how I feel about things as he hardly ever talks about her. So I’m staying for reason I don’t want to get into. Hopefully things work out, if not I have A LOT of pieces to pick up. Does anyone feel like I should be worried? Is he still in love with his ex? Should I believe him? I told her in one of her messages to me that if he ever contacts her to let me know by screenshots because it’ll have his phone number date and time of contact. Was that smart of me to request that? I gave her my number to contact me. Do you all feel that he will try and reach out to her or will he leave her alone and respect our relationship? Again he’s denied everything.

  11. How do I figure out and resolve the issue of being afraid of bumping the guy who repeatedly lied about his ex for 2 years? All the signs were there for cheating but I ignored it. I feel like something has to be wrong with me… I don’t cry, I don’t leave, I no longer saying anything (we still live together) I feel numb and dumb.

    1. He slept with his ex while I was I jail, BECAUSE of him. While I was serving my time, he did it. When I asked him why, I never got a clear answer. One time he said, smiling “I got horny”. Is that like even a REAL reason? Or is it something else? Then after we got married, he told me, in our park, that he did it again. I was so shocked, my heartbeat stopped for a second. When I asked him what did he say he said he was just kidding. BUT I don’t think he was.
      I NEVER felt towards him.the same after that. He killed my love. I did stay with him ad had two more of his kids. There were a lot of factors involved, of which I can tell if you ask. But…that ORIGINAL SOUL CONNECTION, that trust, that warmth, that hope, were all gone. He was simply not the man I thought he was. That hurt so much. Both that he betrayed me, and that he was not whom he made himself out yo be in the beginning. Now today, 8 years since we’ve met, I cannot forget. He never appologized. He never said he was sorry. It’s like he can do no wrong. I can’t leave…yet, but I decided to do it with someone else…twice. And NOT tell him about it. Yes, I know it is childish, I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but since I cannot bring myself to leave yet, I can do the second best and hurt him, the way he hurt me. Though he hurt me worse, he did it without even thinking about me.
      I decided to confront him again tomorrow.

  12. I forgot to ask what her close friends and family think about the boyfriend who had sex with his ex.

    That’s another thing to think about — what do your loved ones tell you to do? They know you best, and they’ve met your boyfriend.

    If you can’t tell your loved ones that your boyfriend cheated, then I think you need a new boyfriend. You should be able to tell your loved ones everything your boyfriend does (except of course the private stuff! And I don’t count cheating as private).