Should you stay with your boyfriend after he slept with his ex girlfriend? You love him, but you’re so hurt. How could he do this to you? And will he cheat on you again? Here are three questions to ask yourself before deciding what to do after you find out your boyfriend had sex with his ex-girlfriend.
“My boyfriend cheated, plain and simple,” says Amanda on Why Your Boyfriend Cheated: A Relationship Style That Leads to Affairs. “I don’t know how to deal with it. Before we got together, he had a girlfriend who was pregnant. He said he didn’t love her – in fact he hated her. He was sticking around for the pregnancy. We slept together that night. I felt horrible, but I still loved him (I’d pined for him for 10 years before this). This was the start of our affair, which lasted 2 months. He finally broke up with his partner and we started a formal relationship. Recently, I found out he was still sleeping with her after we got together. He said he kept this relationship going with his ex-girlfriend in secret so he could see his child. Since then he’s been faithful. What should I do?”
It depends. Some women couldn’t ever forgive their boyfriends after an affair (that would be me), while others are willing to rebuild their relationship (a friend of mine stayed with her cheating husband, and has no regrets).
What you do about a cheating boyfriend depends on several things. These three questions will help you decide if you should stay or break up with him.
How often has your boyfriend cheated in the past?
The best way to predict future behavior is by looking at past behavior. If your boyfriend cheated on his previous girlfriend with you, then he’s more likely to cheat on you with his next girlfriend. If your boyfriend hangs out with guys and gals who cheat or who think there’s nothing wrong with cheating, then he’s more likely to cheat on you again. People absorb the qualities and values of the people they spend their time with.
Being vulnerable and authentic is one of the scariest things about falling in love – especially if they’ve been hurt in past relationships. If you’ve made a lot of relationship mistakes, you may be unwilling or even unable to tell the truth about your boyfriend to your friends and family. If you’re struggling to decide what to do about a boyfriend who sleeps with his ex girlfriend, talk to someone you trust. Work through your decision and make a smart choice.
Some girlfriends are 100% certain their boyfriends won’t cheat again. They trust their boyfriends, but they still feel jealous and insecure. If this is you, read How to Cope With Jealousy When Your Boyfriend Sees His Ex.
How many times has your boyfriend lied to others – and to you?
If you know your boyfriend lies to other people – especially friends and family! – then he is probably lying to you, too. He may say he loves you and he’d never lie to you, but you can’t trust a guy who isn’t honest with other people.
Stop making the same relationship mistakes. Be being willing to let go of your old patterns…and your hope of saving a relationship that you know isn’t good for you. Be open to change and compromise; learn how to make your new relationship strong and healthy. One of the most difficult things in life is to initiate and sustain long-lasting healthy changes in our lives…but it’s the only healthy way to live. And, it’s one of the best things you could do for yourself.
Do you trust yourself to make the right decision about your boyfriend?
Some women stay in unhealthy, abusive, or uncomfortable relationships because they don’t think anyone else will love them. I stayed with a moron for far too long, because I was lazy. I didn’t want to begin the work of breaking up, healing from the breakup, and dating someone new. What if I never fell in love again? What if I got hurt again?
Some women may also feel like they’ve invested months, years, or decades in this relationship, so they don’t want to walk away. It’s hard to quit something you’ve been at a long time, whether it’s a relationship, a job, a book, or a house. Seriously. It’s harder to walk away and start over than it is to stay stuck.
If you’re staying with your boyfriend even though he slept with his ex girlfriend, you may not trust yourself to make the right decision. Remember that different relationships end for different reasons. If you can figure out the reasons your relationship failed, you’ll be less likely to make the same mistakes in the future. Do you keep choosing the wrong type of partner? Do you sabotage your relationship by hiding your true thoughts and feelings? Are you afraid of commitment or intimacy?
For more information, read Can You Forgive and Rebuild Trust After an Affair?.