Here are three questions to ask yourself before deciding what to do after you find out your boyfriend had sex with his ex-girlfriend.
If you know you want to break up, read Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas. You’ll learn five steps to leaving and healing:
Step 1: Find Emotional Freedom
Step 2: Reclaim Your Power and Your Life
Step 3: Break the Pattern, Heal Your Heart
Step 4: Become a Love Alchemist
Step 5: Create Your Happy Even After Life
Does it help to know you’re not alone? My most popular article on Blossom in Love is 5 Signs Your Husband is Cheating and Lying About His Affair. If your boyfriend is hooking up with his ex, you’re not alone.
Yesterday I got an anonymous email from a reader. Here’s part of it: “My boyfriend cheated, plain and simple. I don’t know how to deal with it. Before we got together, he had a girlfriend who was pregnant. He said he didn’t love her – in fact he hated her. He was sticking around for the pregnancy. We slept together that night. I felt horrible, but I still loved him (I’d pined for him for 10 years before this). This was the start of our affair, which lasted 2 months. He finally broke up with his partner and we started a formal relationship.
Recently, I found out he was still sleeping with her after we got together. He said he kept this relationship going with his ex-girlfriend in secret so he could see his child. Since then he’s been faithful. What should I do?
Is Sex With the Ex-Girlfriend Forgivable?
It depends. Some women couldn’t ever forgive their boyfriends after an affair (that would be me), while others are willing to rebuild their relationship (a friend of mine stayed with her cheating husband, and has no regrets).
What you do about a cheating boyfriend depends on several things.
How often has your boyfriend cheated in the past?
The best way to predict future behavior is by looking at past behavior. If your boyfriend cheated on his previous girlfriend with you, then he’s more likely to cheat on you with his next girlfriend.
If your boyfriend hangs out with guys and gals who cheat or who think there’s nothing wrong with cheating, then he’s more likely to cheat on you again. People absorb the qualities and values of the people they spend their time with.
Some girlfriends are 100% certain their boyfriends won’t cheat again, but they still feel jealous and insecure. If this is you, read How to Cope With Jealousy When Your Boyfriend Sees His Ex.
How many times has your boyfriend lied to others – and to you?
Your boyfriend lied to his ex-girlfriend, and I believe he lied to you when he said he had to keep sleeping with his ex so he could see his baby. I think that’s a load of crap. Most women – 99% of them – would do anything to ensure a good relationship between father and children. They don’t need to be bribed with sex.
Sign up for my free weekly "She Blossoms" newsletter
Sometimes we know what we need to do about a boyfriend who cheats with his ex-girlfriend, but we just can’t let them go. If this is you, read How to Rebuild Trust After an Affair.
How valuable are you?
Some women stay in unhealthy, abusive, or uncomfortable relationships because they don’t think anyone else will love them. I stayed with a moron for far too long, because I was lazy. I didn’t want to begin the work of breaking up, healing from the breakup, and dating someone new. What if I never fell in love again? What if I got hurt again?
Some women may also feel like they’ve invested months, years, or decades in this relationship, so they don’t want to walk away. It’s hard to quit something you’ve been at a long time, whether it’s a relationship, a job, a book, or a house. Seriously. It’s harder to walk away and start over than it is to stay stuck.
If you’re scared you’ll never be able to leave your boyfriend, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love.
I can’t tell you what to do when your boyfriend has sex with his ex-girlfriend. But, I can tell you what I’d do if I were you: dump him. You deserve better.
I welcome your thoughts on what to do when your boyfriend sleeps with his ex-girlfriend, but I can’t offer advice. You may find it helpful to share your experience; writing can bring clarity and insight.
Laurie's "She Blossoms" Books
Growing Forward When You Can't Go Back offers hope, encouragement, and strength for women walking through loss. My Blossom Tips are fresh and practical - they stem from my own experiences with a schizophrenic mother, foster homes, a devastating family estrangement, and infertility.
How to Let Go of Someone You Love: Powerful Secrets (and Practical Tips!) for Healing Your Heart is filled with comforting and healthy breakup advice. The Blossom Tips will help you loosen unhealthy attachments to the past, seal your heart with peace, and move forward with joy.
When You Miss Him Like Crazy: 25 Lessons to Move You From Broken to Blossoming After a Breakup will help you refocus your life, re-create yourself, and start living fully again! Your spirit will rise and you'll blossom into who you were created to be.