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What to Do After Your Boyfriend Sleeps With His Ex

Here are three questions to ask yourself before deciding what to do after you find out your boyfriend had sex with his ex-girlfriend.

My Boyfriend Slept With His Ex GirlfriendIf you know you want to break up, read Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas. You’ll learn five steps to leaving and healing:
Step 1:  Find Emotional Freedom
Step 2: Reclaim Your Power and Your Life
Step 3: Break the Pattern, Heal Your Heart
Step 4: Become a Love Alchemist
Step 5: Create Your Happy Even After Life

Does it help to know you’re not alone? My most popular article on Blossom in Love is 5 Signs Your Husband is Cheating and Lying About His Affair. If your boyfriend is hooking up with his ex, you’re not alone.

Yesterday I got an anonymous email from a reader. Here’s part of it: “My boyfriend cheated, plain and simple. I don’t know how to deal with it. Before we got together, he had a girlfriend who was pregnant. He said he didn’t love her – in fact he hated her. He was sticking around for the pregnancy. We slept together that night. I felt horrible, but I still loved him (I’d pined for him for 10 years before this). This was the start of our affair, which lasted 2 months. He finally broke up with his partner and we started a formal relationship.

Recently, I found out he was still sleeping with her after we got together. He said he kept this relationship going with his ex-girlfriend in secret so he could see his child. Since then he’s been faithful. What should I do?

Is Sex With the Ex-Girlfriend Forgivable?

It depends. Some women couldn’t ever forgive their boyfriends after an affair (that would be me), while others are willing to rebuild their relationship (a friend of mine stayed with her cheating husband, and has no regrets).

What you do about a cheating boyfriend depends on several things.

How often has your boyfriend cheated in the past?

The best way to predict future behavior is by looking at past behavior. If your boyfriend cheated on his previous girlfriend with you, then he’s more likely to cheat on you with his next girlfriend.

If your boyfriend hangs out with guys and gals who cheat or who think there’s nothing wrong with cheating, then he’s more likely to cheat on you again. People absorb the qualities and values of the people they spend their time with.

Some girlfriends are 100% certain their boyfriends won’t cheat again, but they still feel jealous and insecure. If this is you, read How to Cope With Jealousy When Your Boyfriend Sees His Ex.

How many times has your boyfriend lied to others – and to you?

Your boyfriend lied to his ex-girlfriend, and I believe he lied to you when he said he had to keep sleeping with his ex so he could see his baby. I think that’s a load of crap. Most women – 99% of them – would do anything to ensure a good relationship between father and children. They don’t need to be bribed with sex.

Sometimes we know what we need to do about a boyfriend who cheats with his ex-girlfriend, but we just can’t let them go. If this is you, read How to Rebuild Trust After an Affair.

How valuable are you?

My Boyfriend Slept With His Ex

My Boyfriend Slept With His Ex-Girlfriend

Some women stay in unhealthy, abusive, or uncomfortable relationships because they don’t think anyone else will love them. I stayed with a moron for far too long, because I was lazy. I didn’t want to begin the work of breaking up, healing from the breakup, and dating someone new. What if I never fell in love again? What if I got hurt again?

Some women may also feel like they’ve invested months, years, or decades in this relationship, so they don’t want to walk away. It’s hard to quit something you’ve been at a long time, whether it’s a relationship, a job, a book, or a house. Seriously. It’s harder to walk away and start over than it is to stay stuck.

If you’re scared you’ll never be able to leave your boyfriend, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love.

I can’t tell you what to do when your boyfriend has sex with his ex-girlfriend. But, I can tell you what I’d do if I were you: dump him. You deserve better.

I welcome your thoughts on what to do when your boyfriend sleeps with his ex-girlfriend, but I can’t offer advice. You may find it helpful to share your experience; writing can bring clarity and insight.

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18 thoughts on “What to Do After Your Boyfriend Sleeps With His Ex”

  1. Thank you! I definitely needed to read that and very much appreciate what you had to say. It sucks a&@! It just stinks.

  2. He slept with his ex while I was I jail, BECAUSE of him. While I was serving my time, he did it. When I asked him why, I never got a clear answer. One time he said, smiling “I got horny”. Is that like even a REAL reason? Or is it something else? Then after we got married, he told me, in our park, that he did it again. I was so shocked, my heartbeat stopped for a second. When I asked him what did he say he said he was just kidding. BUT I don’t think he was.
    I NEVER felt towards him.the same after that. He killed my love. I did stay with him ad had two more of his kids. There were a lot of factors involved, of which I can tell if you ask. But…that ORIGINAL SOUL CONNECTION, that trust, that warmth, that hope, were all gone. He was simply not the man I thought he was. That hurt so much. Both that he betrayed me, and that he was not whom he made himself out yo be in the beginning. Now today, 8 years since we’ve met, I cannot forget. He never appologized. He never said he was sorry. It’s like he can do no wrong. I can’t leave…yet, but I decided to do it with someone else…twice. And NOT tell him about it. Yes, I know it is childish, I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but since I cannot bring myself to leave yet, I can do the second best and hurt him, the way he hurt me. Though he hurt me worse, he did it without even thinking about me.
    I decided to confront him again tomorrow.

  3. My live in partner is still seeing his ex. And they are still having sex.. i found out to his phone hes asking and hes on his way. Hes been doing this not at once but many times. I dnt know what to do because we have a daughter and its hard to leave coz i love him. I need an advice . Please help me..

  4. Hey Alexis Keller.. I had same situation.. but my boyfriend told me about this matter but I said no. And now I can’t stop missing him. Can you help me about it ?

  5. My boyfriend and I were both virgins and were planning that we would lose them together when we both were ready…im not sure what I did…but he went to his ex (she lives closer btw) and he lost it to her…im still a virgin because I wanted to wait for the perfect time…..then I didn’t even find out from him instead my friend told me i was crying for hours (now I have a headache and no more tears to cry) he still says he wants me and I still love him and I forgive him but I just don’t know if I trust him…he has even made a joke about it already…we arnt together rn I’m trying to think through all of it and process it (it only happened today) and I don’t know who to go to because no one knows except my best friend (the one who told me) and she doesn’t know how to help

  6. I am eight months pregnant and my husband has been cheating with his ex since January. I feel like my life is over. I can’t handle the pain. I am hurting so much. But i have to move on for the sake of my son. He just told me that he wants his ex back and he will do everything possible to make their relationship work. The other part of me wants to forgive him but i can’t. I deserve better than what he is giving me.

  7. In my mind if they really love us they won’t cheat. Just like with us girls when were really into them and we want this relationship with them do we cheat? Some have an addiction but most of us don’t. So a man should be able to do the same thing if not not worth it. Easier said than done to do when your heart is involved or hopes and emotions.

  8. I’ve been going out with this guy for a month he’s been here every night and day and all of a sudden last night he tells me he’s going to go with his boys and his ex-girlfriend lives by my best friend I go there too in the morning and his car is there he only left because I told him I was on my way to my friends. I saw him leave he calls me and wants to come over tonight. What do I do I know I should leave him what was the point of Faking me out being kind giving me stuff doing things for me always being with me and all of a sudden run back to your ex the night after we were together and he’s going to come back what was the point of cheating in the first place

  9. i have been in relationship for 4 years…it was a long distance relationship…and we use to meet in a month or so….he use to always …protect about a girl and told that she was his best friend….i went through their chats and found out he was sleeping with her…all these years…and when i inquired more…the girl said..she was his ex and had no idea about us….she said..because..he couldn’t get over him…they stayed friends…and because they have always…been sleeping before couldn’t stop the urge of being with each other that way…when i questioned my bf about this…he gave e the reason that since she was in depression …she went sex so..he slept with her….coz he wanted her to come out of depression and she her…happy…while his ex said…it was no forcefully we had it as grown up….
    my guy even said he stopped before 2 months coz he thought he was really in love with me…..i couldn’t bear this…i m going through depression myself….i really love him…but cant forgive him to what damage he has done to me…my question is does he really love me??

  10. I found out two days ago that my boyfriend of the past year slept with his ex girlfriend, he said it was months ago and a mistake and it only happened once he keeps apologising but refuses to cut contact with her as he picks her kids up once a week for a few hours there not his but he raised one of them since they were born she’s 4 now I don’t no way to do and I am all over the place I love him so much but I feel sick, to make matters worse he lives in England and I live in Ireland I haven’t spoke to anyone about what happened because it’s to painful I feel demoralised and betrayed he keeps asking me for a fresh start and I don’t no what to do ?? ?

  11. I agree with you Vicki! the same thing happened with me except it was for years. But for me, I am really starting to believe my man who I’ve been living with for 4 months and been with for 9months isn’t over his ex and may have been cheating on me with her throughout the entire time of us being together. There was major drama that went down on New Years , unexpected drama. One of my friends is friends with my mans ex. They talked and apparently my friend ( whos name is Mike) told me he had some things that he felt I needed to know. He told me he was still involved with his ex ( Sara). My bf told me that it was all lies and that he stopped seeing her in May2016..but we made things official in April of 2016. That’s all that he admitted to. So I told Mike that if she didn’t have concrete proof that I am going to stay with my man and continue on with our relationship because I thought it was solid. Well…. she contacts me on FB to let me know of the concrete proof… at that point, me and my man were kind of over. She told me these times where they were out together and hooked up over at her apartment. She said they’d go out on their lunch breaks to hook up or just have lunch. She said that he bought her a couch and a table My man denies it and says they’ve only been friendly and they’d just talk about things going on in their lives so of course she knows about events that went on in his life. He feels that shes just mad because he chose me over her. She told me that he took her to his friends/Coworkers birthday party. She also said that there were times he’d go through her phone. All of these things had me wondering if all this were true. I don’t know how I feel about things as he hardly ever talks about her. So I’m staying for reason I don’t want to get into. Hopefully things work out, if not I have A LOT of pieces to pick up. Does anyone feel like I should be worried? Is he still in love with his ex? Should I believe him? I told her in one of her messages to me that if he ever contacts her to let me know by screenshots because it’ll have his phone number date and time of contact. Was that smart of me to request that? I gave her my number to contact me. Do you all feel that he will try and reach out to her or will he leave her alone and respect our relationship? Again he’s denied everything.

  12. Wow you hate the ex that he was using more than you hate HIM (even though it was HE who cheated on YOU, not her). Doesn’t seem like the smartest thing to do when your boyfriend sleeps with his ex.

  13. Sleeping with an ex, it’s a sign they think with their sexual member and not with the head on top of the shoulders, but, to cover and hide their moves they have a list of excuses for this very sick behaviour, generally saying it’s the ex’s fault because she’s too needy, has a miserable life, has no friends, feels lonely, and, because of it, the “ex” uses subtle manipulation to get their attention back! Don’t fall for it!!!!

    My own story proves how sick it can be! My boyfriend was keeping in the background a “so supposed former/ex girlfriend” for at least, eight years, I repeat EIGHT years! When I started my relationship with him, she was already in the background, as he has cheated on his former girlfriends with that same “ex” as well! It wouldn’t matter if he was involved in a nice relationship, because sporadically he visited his “ex”! Due to it, that sick ex (full of malice, of course – though he always denied she was a poisoned, toxic person, willed to destroy any new relationship he could get), knew everything about his life in detail, his new relationships, while the “official” partner knew nothing about what was going on behind her back, obviously! That “ex” was kept for all those years, despite the fact he didn’t love her. The only reason was sex, and, the thrill of keeping that woman (that was nothing than an idiot, willed to put up with any bad behaviour on his part, just to have fun using him as well and with a chance to laugh in the back of his “official” girlfriends, like saying “you may have him now, but in the end, it is going to be me to get him”. And she was convinced this was going to be the outcome because the signs he was giving her, made her believe it! So, even if she was the most stupid self-centered, lacking a brain and boundaries, it was his fault, because it was him playing her game, because he thought he was the one in control and it was just about…. sex, meaning nothing, so any nice official relationship he could have, would never be affected, because his affair, was meaningless! It’s a lie! It was a game she started and he played it to feel powerful, with her acceptance! How sick!

    If you find yourself in this position, dump the man immediatly and don’t look back! Let the man feel miserable with this type of partner, because they really deserve each other, and, they must end together to get miserable! It’s karma!

    Be strong!

  14. How do I figure out and resolve the issue of being afraid of bumping the guy who repeatedly lied about his ex for 2 years? All the signs were there for cheating but I ignored it. I feel like something has to be wrong with me… I don’t cry, I don’t leave, I no longer saying anything (we still live together) I feel numb and dumb.

  15. I forgot to ask what her close friends and family think about the boyfriend who had sex with his ex.

    That’s another thing to think about — what do your loved ones tell you to do? They know you best, and they’ve met your boyfriend.

    If you can’t tell your loved ones that your boyfriend cheated, then I think you need a new boyfriend. You should be able to tell your loved ones everything your boyfriend does (except of course the private stuff! And I don’t count cheating as private).