How to Get Back With Your Ex After a Breakup

Breaking up isn’t always forever! These five tips on how to get back with your ex after a breakup will help you see your relationship in a new light.

after breakup how to make up with your ex Getting Back Together: How To Reconcile With Your Partner – And Make It Last is a solid, comprehensive guide you can count on to get your relationship back on track. No matter what issues you may face, this step-by-step program shows you how to take the initiative, reconcile your differences, and remake your relationship from the ground up. If you’re serious about getting back with your ex after a breakup, you need to learn how to deal with your relationship issues.

These tips will help you determine if you really WANT to make up with your ex…or if you’re better off letting go of the past and moving on to a happier, healthier stage of life.

I’ve written more articles about how to let go of someone you love than about getting back together with your ex, because I mostly believe that it’s better to move forward.

However, several readers asked for tips on getting an ex back after a breakup – and in some cases, getting back together is the best thing you could ever do. It depends on why you broke up and why you want to get back together. Try to look beyond your heartache and pain, and be objective about your reasons for wanting to reunite. Focus on being a healthy, happy, strong person — not a weak, desperate waif who is scared of not finding love again.

5 Tips for Making Up After Breaking Up

If you’re convinced that you can’t let go and move on, here are a few strategies for getting back together with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. While you’re thinking about making up, don’t forget the importance of healing! Read Prayer for Healing After a Breakup for help with the process.

Don’t play games with your ex

Perhaps you’re tempted to make him or her jealous by flirting or even sleeping with certain people. Don’t do it! Don’t play “mind games” or find psychological tricks for getting back together. Instead, be open, honest, and clear about why you want to make up instead of breaking up.

Get emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy

Nothing is more attractive than an emotionally, physically, spiritually healthy person! Not even a skinny body, full head of hair, expensive sports car, or buckets of money in the bank. If you want to get your ex back, do some work on your own psyche. This isn’t just about working on your weaknesses, it’s about developing your strengths so you’re as happy and grounded as possible.

Figure out why your relationship fell apart

Why was your relationship unhealthy? Was it going “bad” for a long time, or was it an unexpected breakup? Did your ex want to make changes…did you want things to change, but didn’t know how to make those changes? One of the first steps for getting back together with your ex is to be clear on why it happened.

If you didn’t feel emotionally connected with your partner, read What to Do When You Feel Alone in a Relationship.

Talk to your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend about why you broke up

how to make up after a breakup

how to make up after a breakup

One of the biggest predictors of successfully making up with an ex is whether you can honestly and effectively communicate with one another. Can you talk about your relationship without yelling, insulting, bringing up the past in a negative way? Can you be vulnerable with your ex – which includes admitting that you may need to change your own lifestyle or habits? If you want to get back together with your ex after an emotional affair, you may want to invest some time, energy, and money in couples counseling.

Make sure something in your relationship has changed

You can’t simply get back together without dealing with the catalyst that caused the breakup. This goes back to my second tip for making up after breaking up: figure out why your relationship ended. But, getting back together involves more than just knowing what went wrong: making up is about fixing what went wrong. Again, a session or two with a couples counselor may be helpful.

If you know deep in your heart that you and your ex aren’t getting back together, read How to Get Over Him.

What do you think – can you make up after breaking up? I welcome your thoughts on how to get back with your ex after a breakup, but I can’t offer relationship advice or counseling.

Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.” ~ Unknown.


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42 thoughts on “How to Get Back With Your Ex After a Breakup”

  1. My bf left me because he thought that I was a show off.. I think his friends told him to do so .. cause the Henry i knew never would’ve done that.. he knows how sad i get after a breakup. I seriously want to make things right

  2. So my boyfriend and i were together for 8 months. His brother visited from the States and we were all excited to see him. We had parties and get togethrs with all the friends and family. I had already been introduced to his family so they Ll knew me. His brother started makin a pass at me ad i couldn’t tell my boyfriend because i was afraid of how he would react. 2 of his friends also asked me out and i also didnt tell him. He found out abt this and was mad. Then one fateful saturday night,i bumped into his brothr at the club and he followed me around the whole time. When it was time to go home,my boyfrnd’s bestfriend gave me a ride home. The brother saw this and was mad that i refused to go with him. H called my boyfriend and lied that i was sleepin with the bestfriend. My boyfriend was mad and broke up with me n listened to his brother’s lies. I love him so much and we have been apart for 1month and 2weeks. I want him and need him back. I still believe we can work things out but he wont talk to me. I did not sleep with the friend. I love my boyfriend. Please help

  3. I have decided that my ex can contact me. He knows where I live. After 2 years in a relationship I feel I deserve more than a text or a phone call talking about things that aren’t relevant. The “elephant in the room”. He is playing games with me. The way I see it: if he wants to be real with me he will take the time to see me. It’s only a 15 minute drive. Thank you for this article on getting back with your ex after a breakup.

  4. Hey Laurie, My ex-girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and living together for nearly 2.5 years. When we first met through a blind date we hit it off right away that even the waiting staff at the restaurant asked us if we were celebrating an engagement. We went next door to a wine bar had a glass and kissed for the first time and it was that kiss I’ve been waiting for for 15 years. We were 25 and 30 when we met.

    She started asking to meet my best friends and parents/family right away, though I was still seeing other people. I kept trying to slow things down, but she would cry when I did – so we expedited the relationship really quickly. 6 weeks in she met my 3 best friends at a small 5 person birthday dinner. Weeks later my parents. 3 months in I was sleeping over at her parents and grandparents home over night. And after moving from apartment to apartment to apartment over the next 6 months, my girlfriend insisted we sleep together every night and so I moved in. I was hiding the girls and hiding the fact that I lived at home with my mom, hiding my friends and my family – and that caused her to cry a lot and eventually accept the fact that I lied to her.
    After a year, she started to push for moving in together in our own place. I kept asking for us to wait until closer to 2 years so we could know eachother better. But she insisted we move in over and over, until we did.
    We have a ton in common and we’re both burning 4 days apart. We went to the same University, and we pushed eachother in our emotional and personal lives, we supported each others careers, and we support eachother financially. In that regard we were eachother’s soulmates. But I started to rebel and become verbally mean to her.
    I felt like I was being pushed and pushed to go forward, instead of letting this amazing relationship to develop on its own – and I would become resentful and explode sometimes (every week) for 1-2 years. Next thing we’re living together, and then she breaks our lease and moves us to another state an hour away. I get really resentful, subconsciously, and keep lashing out. And she interprets that’s as me being verbally abusive.

    3 years in she ends the relationship.

    It wasn’t until the 2 week break that I realize that I was resentful and rebelling. I also realized that I had an amazing relationship and want it back. I’ve had 2 points of contact with her specifically about those 2 soul searching epiphanies. And the fact that I’m ready to put my selfishness behind me and put her and our future family as a priority. But she keeps moving further away.

    Now she wants her own space and doesn’t want to stay in contact.

    I think she’s my soulmate and I’m so sad I took her for granted and acted out all this time.

    What do I do to get her back?

  5. If your relationship fills you with peace, love, and security – then yes, it’s a good idea to learn how to make up after a breakup! But getting back together with your ex is a bad idea if your relationship is filled with pain, strife, or problems that can’t be resolved.

    Take time to listen to that still small voice inside of you. Is getting back together a good idea? If you’re confused, make a list of the pros and cons…but listen to your spirit above all.

    If you know in your heart that getting back together isn’t a good idea, read:

    How to Let Go of Someone You Love

    Trust yourself. The answer is in you. You have the strength and courage you need to move forward in your life!

    1. So me and my ex broke up for almost two months we were together for 2 almost 3 years. Yea we had our problems but we were a very happy couple. But one day after about a week or two of little arguments over anything she up and breaks up with me. But recently we have gotten back together and we both are in love with one another it’s just some things aren’t quite the same. How can we fix these problems what is the best thing to do?

  6. Me and my bf brokeup 2 month ago.we were in a relationship for only one month but there was no emotional attachment between us.when ever I used to make plan for going out to spend some time with hin he make excuses and when he calls me for the same unfortunately I dont have time for that.And he used to take the relationship casuly but I dont. Afterwards I got frustrated and I told him that I wanna brokup with him but he refuse he tryed to convense me and he try to talk to me for that and then he succed to convenced me then after some time he didnot messaged me or nor call then suddenly he mssaged me that ‘ its all over we can be just frnds’ n then that time I was so anoyed by that and I argued with him but didnot asked why he wanna brokeup with me but after some weeks he messaged me and we talked to each other though I was angry but after wards we talked to each other and the he wished in my b’day and I fell good then I also called him in my b’ day party and he was so friendly and cozy with my girls Then I got jealous and also felt bad but he messaged me that if I feel bad for because of him so sorry and then I got melted now I wanna patchup with him but we still talk and still I have not asked that why he broke up with me,now I dont know what should I do.

  7. My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago, we were in love, we were happy and everything was perfect. All I can think about is how to get back with your ex after a breakup!

  8. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your thoughts on how to make up after a break up. Sometimes simply writing about your feelings and experience can help you figure out what you should do. Getting back together with your ex can be a great idea…or it can be a mistake. I can’t give relationship advice, but I pray for confidence and healing in your life.

    May you find wisdom, hope, and faith that you will make the right decision about getting back together with your ex. May you feel peace with making up after a breakup — or may you find peace with letting go.


  9. hello,
    me and my ex bf broke up 7 months ago.we were in relationship about 10 months. our relationship was perfect and both of us felt secure and good. after 2 times of discussion about some issues ( for example he believes that I should add dimensions to his life which he doesn’t have already! for instance if he cant play piano , and I can, I should introduce him the world of music! I love to teach people new things but I told him this is not the goal of the relationship. anyway after 2 friendly and calm discussions , he sent me a message and broke up. he acted so impulsively, I was shocked and annoyed because I think that was impolite way to break up. although he apologized for his way to break up but it was totally irresponsible.
    in addition we never talked about break up and all things were good. He thought about breaking up without telling me till to sending the message! so I didnt reply him and he didnt send message again. after a month I deleted him from social networks.
    we didnt see each other for 5 months . after 5 months we saw each other accidentaly. he come and say hello , and I response coldly. we talked about the processes. he apologized and told me I’ve never been in relationship like ours and I felt so secure. and I was not with any girl after we seperated. the only problem was we dont have tension and argument!! I say goodbye. the day after , he sent me a message and apologize again, and told me do you want to talk to each other or not? i replied , this is not important , the important thing was that good relationship which was destroyed, and he didnt replied me.
    I wanted to know is it something that i can do for that relationship or its better to forget about it? I feel annoyed because of his ego centric action , I think he did not love me , am i right?

    1. For me i think he ddnt love u because first he meet u accidentally if it was not that accidentally?He never ever bother himself to fight to find you.I think what u can do is to move on

  10. Hey ,so I had an amazing far distance relationship with this boy and after year & half my emotions started to get colder & I felt the need to distance myself from him ,meanwhile he was falling for me more than ever but I just did it and told him that I want us to breakup and I dumped him .. it’s been more than 3 years since our broke up but lately I started to miss him .. like really miss him .. and I’ve been stalking his sns and he’s obviously still waiting for me .. what should do? Am really sorry but am afraid that I’ll hurt him again , help

  11. So I need help knowing how to get back with my ex after a breakup, me and my wife have been off an on for over 12 years now… this last time we were together the longest which was 5 years in total… the last 5-6 months were hell, we both relapsed pretty hard an fought alot, as well as a couple of my ex’s coming back into the picture as well as a couple of hers… we ended up breaking up in early july, the 11th to be exact an its been two months since ive seen her or our kids cause she took them after having me arrested on some lies… due to the kids we can still communicate but just cant see each other at the moment, she doesn’t respond when I text or facebook her she reads my messages but says nothing… I ask about the kids an I admit my wrongs to her as well as apologize for all that happened, nothing happened with either of our ex’s I told mine off an so did she, but there was alot of fighting we were broke because of the relapse then we both lost our jobs. Her ex who is the father of my step daughter decided in may that he wanted to all the sudden be a father an came back into the picture with a custody suit on her with all kinds of bogus things, I know we were both stressed out an messed up.

    I just don’t know what to do I could use some help and advice because because I am madly in love with her I have been since we were high school sweethearts I dont want to completely lose her id like to save it if I can because she is the love of my life an will be till the day I die.

  12. me and my bf had been together for 1 and 1/2yrs. Our relationship was perfect at the beginning and then i began to feel that i needed space. I started to hide things from him (about the guys i talk to on the social media, meeting my guy friends over coffee). He knew everything but he never mentioned to me once because he loved me so much and just wanted me to come out with everything. Once he asked me if i have been hiding something n i sad no. We tried to talk but because of my ego i broke up. I didnt expect it to be real breakup but just so we could calm things down. Its been a month now and we were still talking normally. I realised that I loved him and we just needed some time to sort things out. Just last week i had a power-cutoff so i went to his place to charge my fone and i found a girl there. He said it was a friend but i got so furious that i got an anxiety attack. Since than i didnt eat anything to date. I have begged him to get back, apologized, cried so much but he said he cant have the same feeling for me anymore. Please help me. I cant leave without him.

  13. Hi Laurie,

    I’m in a relationship for almost three years. We’re working on the same company but not on the same building. He was on night shift, i’m on morning. I got promoted and it took me almost three months to adjust the new work load, schedule, task, etc. While I was busy, he also attended a fire brigade training. We seldom date. When i have problems, i talk to him but we always argue because of different opinions. One day, he called me and said he wanted a break up. That night, i wasn’t able to sleep. I realized everything that i didn’t have time for him and didn’t have time to care for him anymore that it was my fault.. We talked, i asked him the reasons why it has to end. I cried and the heartache was unbareable. I reached out for one week visiting him everyday in his house. the first week all i see was a cold and frozen heart. Like a heart made of stone. No feelings anymore. The second week of continuous reaching out, he hugged me. He kissed me. We made love. I am scared to ask him how we are doing now. He just told me it will depend. The heartache i felt the first week is no longer the same now. Maybe because he showed some affection and care. I’m still scared. I fall for him again and have this feeling of “We are okay now” even if there’s no guarantee because we don’t talk about getting back together. I really want him back. I gave him space. He doesn’t want to cut the communication though he always texts me. I don’t know what to do anymore..

  14. I was in a serious relationship for about 3 years.
    We had a split up in March due to her Ex making threats to her children about me being no good and not to be with me.
    She broke up with me. I pleaded (Mistake) then started the NC rule. After almost a month she contacted me via friends phone and asked me if I was mad. She told me she missed me and loved me.
    We got back together and that lasted almost 2 months.
    Now in early June a similar situation happened again, but with my children. She broke it off again. I did the pleading again with no response from her. I started NC again.
    Friends of mine tell me that she’ll be back again. Through a friend she told them that she loved me & missed me, but to have patience, trust and not to worry.
    Any help I would appreciate it.

  15. If your boyfriend needs more time and space, then you need to let him go. Give him what he’s asking for, and start rebuilding your life. Don’t focus on how to make up after a break up! Let go of your hopes of getting back together with your ex.

    Instead, start rebuilding your life. Move forward and find ways to flourish. Nurture your creativity, your dreams, and your hopes for your future!

  16. Me nd my bf are of dffrt caste .his ex gf ditched him nd den aftr dat he came into a relation wd me den our relation cntinued for 10 months aftr dat he suddenly told me dat he need a break nd space i told ok nd den find out y he told so his frends told me dat his ex gf came to his hotel for training ..i was so heartbroken i hv loved ds guy so muuch deeply dat it was so dffcult for me to let him go but i stayed strong n did nt cntact him for a month. I started to forfet him and den suddenly he calls me up and says to talk wd him but i really love ds guy i m nt abl to move on bcz of him its so bry dffcult for me to move on i used to so possesve for him still now m possesv i want him to marry me but he says dat he needs time and i want to improve our relation shud i cntinue wd him relation or shud i move on ?

  17. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Sometimes the hardest thing to do – and the healthiest decision you could make – is to let go. You might have all the best tips in the world on how to make up after a breakup and get back together with your ex, but it may not be the right thing for you.

    How do you know if you should try to get back together? Look at his behavior. If your ex isn’t interested in talking to or being with you, then you need to face the painful truth.

    You WILL find someone else, and you WILL move on! Have faith. Be strong. Trust God, for He does love and and will lead you to the right person.


  18. and my boyfriend started dating 4 months ago..we both are from different countries he is white from Canada and am a Indian girl. we got so attach to each other that we start planning to get married..he told his family members and his all the close friend about our relation. Everyone was happy as they said they really like me. In the beginning he said he will do everything to make our relation work..he have a girl from his ex girl friend She is six year old and he told her also that he want to marry me. When we started dating he had a breakup with her 4 year girl friend. He said he can’t stand her because of so many reasons. His family don’t like her and she don’t understand his well they always used to fight with each other and she get so wild after drinks and she smoke a lot so I thought ge is genuinely broke up with her and that’s why he is telling me all this.

    We was so happy with each other and planned to get marry after 5 months and planned to buy home and family planning everything. Everything was going good and one day I had a problem with my employer and I left the job..I get so disturbed because of that because I am in Canada on my work permit and my employer filed my papers to get permanent residents that was also messed up because I left the job. I was going through hard time but that he said don’t worry he is with me and he will help me. Few days later I was talking to my boyfriend and I normally asked him what you doing and he did am trying to trap him and I felt bad and hang up the phone and texted him that he hurt me. Then he said sorry that he was tired because he do night shift with construction business and they are working on some project. So he hardly get time to meet me or talk to me. I was so upset and depressed.i never had drink in my life that day I had a shot and got more emotional. He was at his work and I called him he said he can’t talk to he hang up the call we had lil but argue that time because he said I am disturbing him on his work. He said he will talk to me tomorrow and meet me I said ok.

    It’s been a week now I didn’t geared anything from him. Do you think he went back to his ex girlfriend? Or he will talk or meet me ever?what do you suggest what should I do now? Is there any chances that he will come back? I really love him, I miss him a lot. But we have no mutual friend or Facebook where i can see him or talk to how can I tell him that I am willing to change everything and want save our relation. Plz help

  19. My bf and I had only been together for about eight months. He was having some work issues and was fired so I let him stay with me til he found a new job. The thing is I rarely got on his case about applying so he was fairly lazy about looking. Over time living together he was an amazing bf. He was amazing to my daughter and was a really good father figure for her.
    However when we were dating, he was always still “looking around”. I did something stupid and created a fake profile to prove he wasn’t just on there “looking for friends” as he tried to have me believe… Then I thought it was fine after I came clean and we discussed my concerns and asked him to delete his primary dating profile. He did.
    I didn’t control him if he wanted to go out with his friend or not.
    However the fake profile lead him to believe I was insecure and eventually the compliments stopped, the affection was always there but I yearned for compliments. I asked him why he stopped and he said “because you know you’re good looking”….
    Then he went out of town and I found out about his second profile and found he had just recently been on there. And instead of waiting til he got home I got angry over the phone. He told his friends about it all. Told them I broke up with him and they said “don’t get back together”. I never did. But then latter that night he finalized it over the phone.
    So I have no idea what to do. I want things to be patched up. So far I’ve cut off all the contact I have with him as much as possible. But more than anything I want to make up but o don’t know when to start contacting or how. I think if we do make up, the next go around I would want from a place of friendship… Any advice?

  20. Dear payal,

    I think that if your boyfriend wants to be with you, he wouldn’t cheat on you or break up with you! It sounds like you and he aren’t meant to be together – it isn’t a healthy, happy relationship.

    Sometimes you have to give up on the idea of making up after a break up and getting back together with your ex. Sometimes, you just have to accept that he is cheating on you because the love you have isn’t good.

    You broke up for a reason — you weren’t meant to be together. Can you start grieving the end of your relationship, and move on?


  21. Hi..
    I had 4 years reltn wid my bf.he alwayz cheatd me bt nyhw he knwed hw to make me up.n I too use to fogve him..dis 4 yrs hve made me vry much attracted towards him.1 week ago he again cheatd I din made a issue by fighting wid him..n jst tld d othr gal nt to b in contact wid him plz..I dun knw wt happnd to him he jst broke wid me..n is nt takng me jst ignoring n says he dun wnt me mre..aftr ol dis I still wnt him bck..plzzz let me nythng or tips through wich I cud get my luv bck..m adictd to him..plzzz suggest me smthng

  22. Dear Brian,

    I’m so sorry to hear that your marriage has fallen apart. It’s heartbreaking to be served with divorce papers, and to sign away your love and relationship with your wife. What’s especially sad is that you now see how your marriage went downhill – and you would do anything to change the past and get her back.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Lean on God as you share your heart and soul with your wife. Pray for discernment and the right words, for wisdom and strength. I will pray for you, that you’re able to communicate your true thoughts and feelings, and that your wife will see your heart. I will pray she keeps her mind and heart open, and that God melts her resolve and breathes new hope into her and you.

    Please also remember that making up after a breakup takes time and patience. It may not happen overnight.


  23. I am a wreck right now. A few weeks ago my wife and I got into a argument over expectation we have for each other and how we arent meeting them. She made the comment that maybe she should just pack a few things and leave. I was genuinly hurt by her comment and I over reacted out of anger. She was gone that night with all her belongings. I was anger and upset for a few days when it happened. I had been all alone fordays in this house when I calmed down and started running every thing through my head. How did it all come to this. slowly I began to see what had happened. I work alot of hours because it was instilled in me that is what a husband, father does to support his family and to head his family. I had taken my eyes of the prize and let things get bad to the piont of this and didnot even realize it. rachel and I are being civil with each other and have both stated that we do still love each other. it was decided that we would get a divorce and part as friend. the papers are sitting next to me and have been for 5 days now. I know what i have to do for myself and situation to make this love righteous again. been a wreck trying to prep myself for the chance that she still doesnt want me when i let her know i dont want to sign the papers. I have never felt so in love and scared of the outcome. what if she is gone for good. i do not believe i could bare the pain of knowing i did this to us and lost that person that means everything to, my moon, my stars, my sun. my world to me. Pray for me please

  24. LAURIE,



  25. How do you know it’s a good idea to make up after a break up? Sometimes it’s better to leave a broken relationship broken, and not try to get back with your ex.

    If you’re being abused or mistreated, you definitely shouldn’t try to make up.

  26. accordin to me women r very clever…i was in love with a girl since 2n half years…we r commited to each other.we share each n everythin of our lyf ,hangin out together..but she betrayed me for another man..she blamed the entire reason of breakup on me before her family..but i didn’t said a single word against her now i m happy n i wld be happy if her new man would be better than me…she told me that she needs a gud n nice man not a bad guy lyk me who don’t understand her feelings(as per her)..tats vry fine…
    now her cousion sister wants to marry me but she is against that..she don’t wanna her sister to go with me..i don’t know the reason..
    i’am happy with her new relation but why can’t she??

  27. Hello! I discoevered your website and felt encouraged to write down about my current situation…

    Since about one month and a half my boyfriend told me he does not see it with us going further anylonger. He said he cares a lot about me (meaning he loves me), but he also needs time to reflect.

    We had some issues, but in my view not really insurmountable and I really did grow a lot (self-development, etc) in knowing myself and facing life challenges (a thing he used to say to me I shuld work on and I did since I realised I need to).

    At the moment he feels that his spiritual practices (catholic) are not so compatible with the way I see certain things. However, I respect his way and share some of it but not completely agree with everything.

    I told him that’s quite absurd to ask from someone to completelky share everything at this spiritual level, finally spirituality is so personal that’s so difficult to share completely with somebody… He kind of agreed, but he said he really needs space/time to reflect.

    And here’s the point: I have really a diffcult time in accepting that he needs time to reflect and that he said he does not see it with us anylonger…

    We spoke on Monday (December 6, 2010) lastly and I also agreed to let a week break in between (ie not hearing each other at all).

    Next Tuesday (December 14, 2010) we meet a priest who would mediate our meeting and I am lokking forward to that; we know him both of us and he’s really good. We’ve met him already by the end of November and we established again now, in December.

    Mostly, I’m noe confronted with issues like fear of abandonment and lack of seeing a sense in everything that’s happening to me at the possibility of him not being part of my life anylonger.

    I weeped a lot and in this month and a half a lot of the phone talks or meetings (2-3 only) with him were ending up in hight tones, weeping, dramas this showing up myself very weak, while he was kind of cool but feeling sorry that I’m going through this… But I realise now even better that this is not a behaviour which would bring him back and that’s why I’m decided to really keep quiet, at least a week now, till next meeting. And I’m taking care of myself doing things I like, speaking with friends & family… And I’m thinking now about what brought us to this point and think about what to do next, after December 14. To still propose e.g. a month break and then see again? Or even longer? Of course, this is going to be shown up also during our next meeting…

    He’s my first long-time relationship (8 years) and I felt very overwhelmed/shocked by his sudden decision (it came like this after a pilgrimage of 10 days to Medjugorje – unofficial catholic pilgrimage place).

    I love him deeply and I do feel he is my soulmate and I hope that someday we’ll be back again together. We’re such a good match!

    On his side there were along the way liberty, commitment, taking responsability issues (I had them too, though in a lesser amount) but I have/had the feeling he improved too… But now, when we were about to actually move into a flat (waited for that 2.5 years) he kind of freaked out… So again, fear of really committing covered up by some apparent spiritual incompatibility (which is not so true, as I was saying above)???

    I would be gald to hear some of your insights on my situation and I would also be glad of some tips/recommandations on coping with letting space/quiet between us when I feel the urge of contacting him (since I miss him, etc).

    Thank you so much!
    Best, Nicoleta

  28. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Jim,

    I think the best thing you can do is respect her wishes, and be her friend. I know how difficult it is to be friends when you want more, but you can’t change her mind at this point. Right now, your best bet is to accept her decision and be the best friend you possibly can.

    The more you push her towards making up and getting back together, the farther she’ll pull away…and eventually you won’t even have a friendship with her! Plus, continuing to try to change her mind is controlling and agressive. You need to respect her wishes, my friend.

    Take time to continue working on your issues — because things never get resolved overnight! Keep growing and changing, even though you’re not in a relationship with her right now. She’ll see your growth, and may decide to get back together without you prompting her. Then you’ll know your relationship was meant to be.

    I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.

    Also — you may find 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love helpful. It’s all about moving on. You don’t have to cut her out of your life or stop loving her, but you do want to show that you’re healthy and independent and strong.

    Best wishes,

  29. Hi,
    Recently my now ex-girlfriend broke up with me due to some issues we been having for the last year. We were together for about 3.5 years before the break that happened about 4 weeks ago. Since them we have been out twice. The first time was just dinner and although we had a good time, it was very friendly and not like were we a couple. We did share food and drinks during dinner. The next time out we went to a hockey game and had dinner and drank too much where I spent the night at her house in the same bed. But nothing happened. She was more relax the second time. Now we are traveling to Vegas for the weekend to do a couple of running events. Basically we have been communicating regularly, but only as friends and not as a couple. When we broke up she thinks I am a great guy, but doesn’t see us long term or marriage. I’m not sure if that was her way of coping with things. I have since understand my issues and told her that I can change for us, but she still does not want to get back together. She did say during our first time out after the break up that she wants to be friends and let it build. I don’t mind doing it, but do want to have romance in our relationship. Thoughts?

  30. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi Lisa,

    It’s not necessarily too late to get back together with your ex-boyfriend — even if he’s seeing someone else! Sometimes people need to pull away and explore relationships with other people before they realize that the original person was the right one.

    However, getting back together with your ex does depend to a large degree on why you broke up in the first place. It sounds like you and he have some issues that need to be worked out…and of course you can’t work those out if he’s seeing someone else.

    I think the best thing to do — which may or may not help you get him back — is to focus on the things you can change. One major thing is your own issues. I encourage you to actively work on dealing with your issues, and put thoughts about getting back together on the back burner for awhile.

    Give your ex-boyfriend time and space to breathe, and to miss you. In the meantime, do some serious self-evaluation. How did your actions affect your relationship — both negatively and positively? What are some things you want to change about your life and personality?

    Work on yourself, and let your ex-boyfriend do what he needs to do. When his birthday or some other significant date rolls around, send him a card or friendly email…let him know you’re thinking about him and that you’re available to talk if he ever wants to.

    And, keep focusing on being a woman you’re proud to be! Become someone you respect, like, and even love.

    .-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …How to be Lucky – 10 Ways to Get Luckier in Life and Love =-.

  31. Some advise please.

    After a six year relationship. engaged for three my boyfriend broke it off with me, cause we had three embarrasing fights in one month. the last one did it, i bit him in public over a jealousy fit. Anyways we have been broken up for two months, the first month we communicated atleast one time each day. the second month he didnt call as much, and i found myself wanting to hear his voice and called almost each day. during the second month i found out he was seeing someone else. i want my relationship back, there things about me taht i have to change and i know that, but how do i know if there is a chance. and if i give him space and fix myself, will it be too late since he has already hooked up with someone.

  32. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear confused,

    It’s difficult to guess what’s going on in your boyfriend’s head, but it sounds like he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. He needs time and space to figure things out, but he does care for you.

    Maybe he’ll want to get back together after he’s had time to think — and maybe by then you won’t even want to make up because you’ve moved on!

    In the meantime, while you’re being just friends instead of boyfriend and girlfriend, I enourage you to create a happy, fun exciting life. I know it’s difficult to do when you’re coping with heartache — when all you want to do is get back together with your ex — but wallowing in sadness won’t help. And, being sad and lonely definitely won’t make you more attractive to your ex!

    I wish you all the best, and hope things work out for you and your ex….


  33. I talked to him since & he was really confusing. At first, he was normal, then when I seemed sad he grabbed my hand and put his arm around me and asked me what was wrong. When I asked him how he felt about breaking up, he said he felt normal cause it didn’t feel like we were. He even kissed me & told me he needed time to think and would tell me after class. After class, he hugged me and said he wants to work things out, and hugged me and kissed me, then after that class he said he pretty much made up his mind that he wanted to break up because we argue too much, but then he said he needed time to think & and still he hugged and kissed me and told me he loved me. At the end of the day, he was in a really good mood or so it seems & he said we should take a break for a week. Last night he called me and said he doesn’t think he’s ready for a relationship and pointed out everything I did wrong, then said that he’s not dating anyone for a long time and we should be friends until we are both ready & that ill find someone perfect for me but he won’t. I’m not sure what to think. Does it sound like he plans dating me after he’s had some time to think things through? He said he’s going to or like those are cheesy ways to let me down easy? He also said that his parents have made him realize that he’s not cut out for long term relationships. he’s used excuses like this to break up with past girlfriends, but the difference is he didn’t mention dating them in the future & the first time me and him dated for only 9 days he didn’t date anyone for half a year & then it was only cause he thought I had moved on. This time we’ve been together for almost 8 months.

  34. Lately me & my boyfriend have been arguing a lot. Like, we would be fine for a week then argue again. We’ve broken up before, but never for more than a few hours. Today we got in a argument about something he did & he broke up with me for real. He says he still loves me and always will and if were meant to be, well find each other again because he’s feels like we argue too much & like he shouldn’t be so emotionally attached. He also said he’s not going to be dating for a while. And he still wants to be best friends. Does it sound likf he’s just trying to make me feel better or like he might wanna get back together?

  35. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi paranoid,

    Your boyfriend has serious insecurity and trust issues, and is not acting out of love. Nor is he trying to “prevent things from going wrong.” He’s dealing with fear and pain by trying to control you, which is extremely unhealthy (and even dangerous).

    I don’t know if he’s starting to trust you, but I think he needs help from a counselor. This isn’t normal healthy behavior, and it could even be warning signs of worse behavior to come. Many abusive relationships start with “little” things like trying to control what women wear and who they talk to, and grow into bigger, worse issues.

    I think you should take a step back from this relationship, and give him time to figure out his trust issues. I don’t know if he’s open to getting counseling, but whether or not he does, I hope you pull away from him.

    Wishing you all the best,


  36. My boyfriend has always been a little possessive & I have too but not as much as him. He doesn’t like me wearing make up, talking to other guys, or really dressing up. he said recently that he’s going to not care what I do anymore and if I want to do something do it because he doesn’t want me to become depressed from feeling like he’s controlling me, and he doesn’t want is to end up breaking up later down the road because of it. I didn’t think much about it but two of my friends did. Now I wonder, does it sound like he cares about me less? Or is he trying to prevent things from going wrong, like he says. he has admitted to me that he doesn’t trust me because he’s scared to because that makes him vulnerable. Is it possible he’s starting to trust me but is scared to admit it? Or, does it seem like he’s just losing interest?

  37. I am an independent filmmaker. I wrote, directed and produced an indie film called, “The Broken Hearts Club” that might be a fitting tool for closure. The film is like LOVE ACTUALLY meets IN TREATMENT, funny, heartwarming, brave and true. It provides hope: hope for closure, reconciliation or simply mending a broken heart.