5 Tips for Letting Go of Someone You Will Always Love


When you have no choice but to leave a relationship behind, you need to change how you think. These tips for letting go of someone you love will help you find freedom from the past.

how to let go of someone you love

letting go of someone you love

These tips are inspired by a reader who asked for help detaching and letting go of someone she cares about (her husband), even though he’s not quite “gone” yet. Here’s part of her email: “My husband of 3 years is planning to leave me without an explanation,” says Michelle (not her real name). “He is in a band and tours every now and then, but that has never been a problem till this tour… within a week of being on this tour he started distancing himself. No calls, hardly any replies to my messages on Facebook. I want to know how to let go of someone you love because I believe he will leave me.  How do I start over?”

In this post on letting go of someone you love, I focus on reconnecting with the most important person in your life: you.These tips will help you move forward in your life.  In my “letting go of someone you love” ebook (described below), I offer more in-depth information.

5 Tips for Letting Go of Someone You Will Always Love

It’s important to remember that letting go of someone you love isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy. Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days.

1. Accept that you did the best you could in your relationship

Don’t waste your time or energy feeling guilty or bad about the choices you made in your relationship. You did the best you could, you loved as much as you were able. No matter what you did or didn’t do in your relationship, it ended — and it probably would have ended regardless. If you want to be happy and healthy – which involves learning how to let go of someone you love – you need practice acceptance.

2. Decide what needs to change in your life

You have to actively decide you want to let go of someone you love.  Who do you want to be? Where do you want to live, work, love, play, and laugh? Instead of mourning the fact that you have to start over because your relationship ended, I want you to try celebrating it. Stop focusing on your ex and the pain. Instead, focus on the excitement of a new beginning and fresh start. I know it’s easier said than done – especially if your husband left you for another woman – but it’s better for you in the long run.

3. Accept your lack of control

To let go of someone you love, you need to accept that you can’t control many things in your life. You can’t control who loves you, who leaves you, who helps you, who betrays you. You can’t control your neighbourhood, the traffic, the weather, or the economy. Of all the things you want to change in your life, remember that you can’t change people. You can sometimes change circumstances, and you can change your attitude and response to events and people…but you can’t change your husband, children, coworkers, neighbours, or family members.

If you need a more step-by-step approach to letting go of someone you love, read How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life by Howard Bronson.

4. Tap into your soul – start over spiritually

The happiest people are those who are in touch with their spirits.

Adding spirituality to your life not only makes you feel better emotionally, it improves your physical health. Tap into your soul by meditating, praying, taking time to really listen to your heart, reading Scripture or other soulful books, and talking to people about spiritual matters. The end of a relationship – when you’re trying to let go of someone you love – is a perfect time to start getting back into your spiritual life.



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5. Get outside help for letting go

A life coach, counselor, financial adviser, or even a professional organizer can help you let go and move on.

Whether you should hire a life coach or talk to a counsellor depends on your situation. If you’re struggling with self-identity, major life changes, fear, anxiety, depression, or your marriage – then I encourage you to talk to a counsellor. Therapists can provide objective feedback and guidance that our friends and family can’t offer. If you have money problems, financial advisers can help you become financially independent. Professional organizers can help you declutter — which can improve your physical and mental health.

letting go of someone you loveI wrote 3 Powerful Secrets and 75 Tips for Healing Your Heart because I needed to learn how to let go of my sister. Letting her go was the most painful and difficult thing I ever did.

To write this ebook, I interviewed life coaches, counselors, and grief coaches on letting go. I know how shocking, confusing, and heart-wrenching it is when you’re letting go of a loved one. It’s devastating – and it changes how you see yourself. Learning how to let go of someone you love is about rediscovering your passion and identity.

Here’s what a reader recently emailed me about Letting Go of Someone You Love: “I gobbled the book down. Great help in putting things in perspective and in taking positive thoughtful action. Many thanks for sharing your wisdom and experiences.”

Here’s another article I recently wrote on how to let go of someone you love: How to Get Past the Pain After He Broke Up With You.

I hope these tips on letting go of  someone you love help. Please feel free to share your story below. I can’t offer advice, but it often helps to write your thoughts and feelings, even if you feel embarrassed or ashamed.

It’s important to remember that letting go of someone you cared deeply for is a process that takes time. I recommend you let yourself heal gradually, and grieve your loss. Don’t expect to be happy overnight! It’ll take time and work, but if you take it slow and steady, you’ll find yourself coming out of the tunnel of darkness.

xo


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958 thoughts on “5 Tips for Letting Go of Someone You Will Always Love

  • Diane Randle

    Your tips are very good and helpful. Okay my boyfriend of 6yrs. I don’t want to let go but his ways are forcing me to let go and he don’t understand. Okay he blames me for everything that goes wrong, never hold himself accountable for anything, never apologizes, say he is sorry about anything, but he can see when I do something but just not him. He always brags on himself a whole lot as if everybody is beneath him. If it’s not about him then it’s not about anything so I told him he should just be with himself. He would talk about himself allday long if you let him, but it’s just talk because he can’t hold a job down, it took him a long time just to get a car and he don’t have his own place yet, he be back and forth with me to his mama house, he don’t like big responsibilities I think, sometimes he act as if he is 2yrs old, and he is 35yrs. Old, I never know what his intentions are because he say one thing then do another. Always blaming me for everything, never see what he does, I am not perfect but I am a good woman who deserves real love, my boyfriend act as if something is wrong with him, maybe he is a narcissist, he has all those ways I read, but I don’t know for sure, but he sometimes act as if he can’t use his own mind got to do what I do, mimic things, acts like we are in this big competition, and I am like how you going to compete against your own woman as if I am his enemy, then he wonder why I don’t want to be with him anymore, he used his looks to think that he can have any woman and he thought that i was going off of that were he supposed to get what he want but he thought wrong that’s why he be from my house to his mama house because I told him I want a rea l man not a little boy, but he is not a bad person or as nothing it’s just I can’t deal with those ways of his I don’t know if he know he doing it or not but it’s got to be too much for me to handle, being with him is like being by myself sometimes and I don’t like it, it’s like if i don’t make a move, he want either, I just don’t know about this, I never been with a guy who acts like this, could someone please speak up on this, what should i do?

  • Dana

    I am so thankful for this article on letting go of someone you will always love. It’s not something that one can often predict during the onset of a relationship. When you have no choice but to leave a relationship behind, you need to change how you think.

    But while I read this article I’m relaxed and pleased that it happened now, and didn’t happen later. I am still in grieving mode but I have come to terms with the fact that this guy ‘Johnny’ doesn’t like me back. I have been unable to find the words to describe this feeling I’ve been having sometimes during yoga or meditation. One of the things that I have learned in life is that when you are connected to people. If you really love some one then ‘let it go, if it comes back it is yours.’

    This has helped in my life to let go of so much hurt from my husband and just move on. We have a 7 month old baby girl but I just felt overwhelmed thinking about the relationship. But I know you can control how you respond to someone whose acts require forgiveness on your part. Just as high as one might feel at the tip of that love, the lows can be devastatingly painful. It’s time to learn how to let go of someone even if you love them. Even if it means I’ll be spending life alone, at least I’ll be at peace.

    Letting him go is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do – and I’ve done some hard stuff. I know it is good to let go people like that go…but it is painful. Thank you again for these tips for letting go of someone you love, they help me find freedom from the past.

  • Amy

    Hello, I met a wonderful man 1 year ago and from the start it was like I found my other half. But a few months back when all things were going perfect he said something was missing. He the gave me back my key and left. He came back that day and we cried together and he said he was wrong that without me in his life that was the piece missing. However, since that day he has pulled away from me and we have not spent any time together. He says he loves me but needs to be alone. I am having so much trouble letting go. With him I was so open and free.One day we were ok saying I love you before we went to sleep. When we woke the next morning he wanted to end things. He has asked me to wait for him to get his head together, but has limited his interactions with me and my kids who looked at him as a father. I need to move on but my heart is so broken I just want to cry. My kids need me to bounce back to be an example for them with their own break ups in the future. How do I let go? How do I stop blaming myself for the break up? I feel like a stalker when I see him around town. I even go in a whole different direction than he might take since he comes to my town to drop off his coworker. I miss his touch, his laugh,and I just want the pain to end.

  • Niklyn

    This makes a lot of sense. I am still have a hard time letting go of pain from my past. I shall take further steps to letting go and the healing process which is in slow motion.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Vatalinie,

    I think you need to trust your gut. If you don’t feel comfortable with your boyfriend – if you don’t trust him – then you have your answer.

    If you decide to give your boyfriend another chance, then you have to prepare yourself for a long time of building trust. It takes time and effort on both partners’ parts to rebuild trust in a relationship.

    What is your boyfriend willing to do to help you trust him again? Is he aware of your feelings, and will he work to regain your trust?

    These are complicated questions, which is why sometimes it’s better in the long run to let go of someone you love. Both of you have to be committed to rebuilding your relationship. You can’t do it alone!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Vatalinie

    Hi. I’ve been in a relationship for a while. About two months ago my boyfriend broke up with me to be with his ex/baby mama. He said that he didn’t want to be with her but that it was best for his son and that she deserved a second chance. Our break up lasted for two weeks. We made up because he said he made a mistake and that she wasn’t treating him right. So I said that needed time because I didn’t want to feel like a second choice and that we weren’t going to just pick up where we left off. So after a while we started going out again. Today, I found out that he slept with her during those two weeks we weren’t together. I feel heartbroken and can’t stop picturing them together. I know we weren’t together at the time but really? Having sex with someone else that fast? Those two weeks I spent crying and thinking about him. I didn’t even want any other guys around me. And the fact that he didn’t tell me and just let me fall back in love with him makes it worst of all. Am I over reacting? And what should I do? It hurts and I just don’t know what to think or say anymore. I love him but it’s like he didn’t really love me if he moved that fast. Now I’m just thinking, “Is he going to compare me to her?” “Is he thinking about her when he’s with me?” “If she treated him right would he still be with her?” So many thoughts in my head and I just feel so bad.

  • Laurie

    Dear Conflicted Future,

    I really believe the best thing you could do is get counseling for yourself. Get an objective perspective on your marriage and life, and talk through the decisions you have to make. Sometimes the healthiest thing we could ever do is get strong emotionally and spiritually, and everything else falls into place.

    I know a woman who couldn’t convince her husband to go to counseling, so she went by herself. She got happy! Strong, confident, and able to handle whatever came along. Her husband, as a result, left her because he couldn’t control her anymore.

    Sometimes letting go of someone you love isn’t about getting him to counseling…it’s getting yourself as healthy as possible.

  • Conflicted Future

    Hi there, my situation is complicated like most. I met my husband in college. My background is more colorful in the social world than his, I dated more, I had more sexual partners I lived, as I’m 4 years older than him, and not as sheltered as him. We had arguments and fights, words were said by him, feelings were hurt and damaged. We still married, even though days before the wedding he accused me of flirting with a friend of mine, and then sent flowers to say he was sorry!!! CLUE MUCH. We had dreams, goals and interests. We married and moved (military) to our first station. There are argued and loved, and argued and loved. He would freak out when I would get angry and try to talk to him about what was going on, or argue because he didn’t respond to anything I was saying. His parents apparently NEVER argued in front of their kids and it totally led him to believe life was perfect and people who were married didn’t argue. SHOCKER for him. We moved again. We are married 2 years by now, I started to doubt our relationship as he was deadly jealous of friend I had, male and female. he didn’t understand why I spent so much time with friends and didn’t spend time with him, which we all spent time together, and him and I spent plenty of time together alone. I’ve always had guy friends, I don’t get along with women too much because of the games they play dealing with the men in their lives. Anyway, so I was friendly to everyone but talked more and had more in common with the guys in the group. Non of the other women took offense as they new the differences in our likes and dislikes and new nothing was going on or going to happen. My husband was jealous anyway. We were on the brink of divorce when we decided to take a vacation and see if we could work on the problems in our relationship. Well I got pregnant with our first child. He deployed and was gone 7our of 9 months of my pregnancy. We had our DD and things were fine, never better. But then my relationship with his folks went down the drain, as he has never set any sort of boundaries with them, and they would come visit when ever and for how ever long they wanted without consulting my wishes. His mother held a grudge with me for not letting her be in the delivery room when our daughter was born. Anyway, The baby was my responsibly 100%, he never woke up, never helped change, never lifted a hand to help in anyway, not even to allow me to shower, or to eat alone. Our daughter was a year when we found out our DS was on the way. Fighting and arguing still were the majority of our lives and I felt more happy and alive when he was deployed. His jealousy faded a bit as who would be with someone with a young baby and pregnant, I imagine he thought. Our DS came and things settled down again, but the rift between myself and his parents was getting deeper and deeper, and I couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as his mother. He of course held her up so high no one could compare. Fast forward, DS is 1 year and we found out our third and LAST child was coming. She was meant to be, one time, in months and there she was. Our sex life has never been the center of our relationship even though my husband wishes it was. He once called me a whore and didn’t understand why I could sleep with so many people and not him every night. So DD was born and we found out we were moving to another country. My mother told me not to leave, to move in with them, to not go she said she didn’t feel right about the move. Well I ended up gaining about 20 lbs because of the stress of the move with three children under 5 and moving and leaving my family. We move and we get settled and from the get go things have been an argument, a fight, settle and fight and argument, settle. The past 9 months I’ve been debating on leaving him for good. My oldest DD hates to hear us argue, as its more like I talk he listens, he doesn’t respond, I started to get upset because he is completely ignoring what it is that is troubling to me or him, or the kids. I had a conversation or many conversation with him about changing for the children, for me, for our relationship, for the health of all of us, as I’ve asked him what are my faults, what bothers him and I’ve been working so very hard to make things work, to make things better, and I feel I’m the only one trying. He will try for a week or two and then fall right back into his sarcastic, (trying to lighten the mood) way of talking. He gets furious with crumbs, with clutter, with the children being children, with toys and shoes, with yelling and playing, so very quickly. He yells at the children frequently, calls them names tells them they are bad, and horrible children. Yes I get frustrated with them but I never call then horrible, or that they do everything wrong or they are bad all the time. He doesn’t know how to communicate with them, to be gentle to get them to put away theirs without barking orders or yelling them to crying. They are children and I will not change them or groom then to be seen and not heard. I’ve asked him to go to counseling and he has refused in the past till this year when I threatened to leave if he didn’t go to counseling and I would call his supervisor in order to fix his home life. He went once, (which now I’m not sure he was telling the truth as I’ve never really trusted him after his betrayal of my months after we were married, (going thru my email accounts and online social profiles). I often think he lies to just not have to talk about things or deal with the issues. Anyway, so he went once, he worked at dealing with the children and communicating better with everyone. Well, two weeks ago it’s started again. Snotty under the breath remarks, sarcasm, why I don’t sleep with him like he wants, why I’m always busy, why the house is cluttered why why why about everything. I’ve asked my parents for helps and suggestions, and he hasn’t’ told his parents anything about any of our troubles. They think everything is perfectly fine. When in actuality I’m ready to up and leave, but seriously can’t because of the cost of flying all four of us home from this country. We have 1.5 years left and I swear I just want to get the hell out of here. But thinking for my children’s future and my own, staying married for 10 years, which would take us to the time we leave here, would give me half of his retirement and such for living. I’ve done a lot of research on this and know my options. It’s just hard to think, should I leave now, or try and wait the time out here? I’ve asked him what he needs me to do, to work on. I’ve tried so hard so very hard to make the times together pleasant, but there is always something that ruins the happy memories with him. We have happy ones, but the bad ones out weigh the good more often then not for me. And my oldest DD is leaning the same way, as she loves her daddy so very much but has started to show signs of low self esteem, flinches when you wave your hands around if talking about something. She herself has an attitude now, and back talks. I try to talk and act the way I want them to learn and become as young children and to grow up to be. It seems like every time I set something up for them, a behavior an action, a way of doing things the right way, he has to mess it up and they go back to the behaviors and attitudes I’m trying to stop. Life is an uphill battle in teaching them and molding them into responsible young people. My DS (4) blames everyone else for anything that happens to him, nothing is his fault, when he does something and I caught him, I see him, he flat out lies about it. I realize this is true from some children, but his fathers behavior is a direct reflection down upon him. I guess I know what I have to do, its doing it. It’s fear of the unknown, of starting over, of dealing with failure, and the loss of 10 years, but the beautiful gain of three wonderful children. They are my life… So as I think I know what I need to do, what is your advice and or suggestions of the here and now to deal with this situation? Thank you so very much for your help!!!

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for sharing how your thoughts on how to let go of someone you love. I hope you’re able to survive this experience of letting go, and move on to a happier, healthier stage of life.

    Acceptance is key. Acceptance, and letting time heal us up.

    Blessings, prayers, warm thoughts,
    Laurie

  • 4mevrywhr2evrywhr

    (continued.)

    Everything kept deteriorating. I didn’t want to commit to someone I cared about till the time, I was clear and complete with my past. I found it immoral. I wanted answers again, I wanted my ex to give me a justification for the 7 years I had given her. So, I reached out to her to discuss things (she was in the US and I was in India). My discussions with her helped me (irony, my ex became a psychiatrist in the US), but what didn’t help was the fact that she had gotten divorced by then. I felt like there was something incomplete left between us which I wanted to give a deserving end (my entire 7 years with her had been long distance). But, in the meanwhile, distances between me and my bf kept growing, to the point that she started seeing someone in her office. A few months down the line, she married him.

    Moral of this absurd story: If you walk around with one dead body onyyour back, soon enough you’ll have two. Which relationship do you think I was happier in? Sure, marrying my bf would’ve had its own challenges, but there was a whole side of me that I felt I didn’t get to show her. We broke up on really bad terms and today I’m forced to run into her almost everyday with her husband (we work in a public place, can’t switch jobs, tried, didn’t work.) And thus, I find myself at a blog like this, preaching sense to people like you, while I never mended my ways myself. Save yourself the trouble, if you wish to grieve, grieve. But, when you move on, make sure you keep walking.

  • 4mevrywhr2evrywhr

    Dear Lithium,

    I read your post and felt like I was reading something I wrote a couple of years back. Another resounding feeling is as if I’m listening to my imaginary younger brother. The reason why I say this: I know exactly what you’re going through. I had something similar happen to me. And your reaction to the circumstances has been close to how I had / would have dealt with them. Which is why, I believe our natures are very similar. Over the years, I have done a lot of introspection, trying to find the answer. I have confronted many truths about myself, or attempted it to the best of my abilities. And I would like to stop you from making the mistakes I made. You’re free to disassociate from me and my experiences at any point of time, my only wish for you is that you may be able to acknowledge a part of you that you didn’t know is running your life right now. Just like me, you want appreciation and acknowledgement for the purity in love you had for this girl. You want it to count for something. Something bad has happened to you, and it needs to be grieved. You wish others would grieve with you, but nobody stands there with you long enough. Everybody is a window-shopper, not because they’re bad or insensitive, but because they don’t have any solutions for you. This isn’t the first time you’ve discussed your story, you’ve discussed this several times before, with most of people in your life. You’re a nice guy, and you don’t want to cause harm in the world or disempower anyone. But this mattered, and you want people to see that.

    My brother, none of this is mala fide in any way. But, I kept digging, and it ruined my second relationship too. (yes, you can fall in love again. Better still, you will discover that love wasn’t only what you felt with one person. It has many beautiful, ecstatic faces)

    I fell in love with my best friend and the thing with falling in love with your best friend is that you don’t really know that you’ve fallen in love with them. You never really know when the relationship started 🙂 it just does, and you deal with it.

    My ex had had a whirlwind marriage with someone she had crazy chemistry with. I was dealing with my break up, trying to find answers, I had decided that I would understand every aspect of my failure and never let this happen to me again, when a few months later she (my best friend) had her break up too. Both of us now felt responsible for each other, and we felt appreciated. (for all of you with the uncontrollable urge to yell out “Rebound!”, calm down. I know. Thank you.)

    The relationship was going great, I forgot everything bad that happened to me. She and I were practically like husband and wife, we spent most of our time together (this was college), we would explore new parts of the city everyday, hid our relationship from all our friends (which was a lotta fun at times, coz nobody expected us to be in a relationship), sex was great (we used to keep giggling all the time, send each other really lewd messages throughout the day), we knew everything about each other.

    But then one day, she asked me to get married to her, and I suddenly couldn’t take a decision. I still felt responsible to my ex, I wanted closure before I could think of marriage, and my best friend was quick realize that. She couldn’t tolerate it.

  • Lithium

    To my family and the people around me it seems ridiculous to them what I feel.

    Background:
    I’m 18 [Yes I’m young], she was 16 [Really young…]. But despite the ages she was still way more socially mature than I was and her extremely religious parents liked me [I’m the type to start doing the dishes after having dinner at your house- my mother taught me well :)]. We were together for a year and it felt like complete bliss. I had never kissed a girl before her [I was a super shy geeky computer science kid and she was a beautiful blonde hip hop and tap dancer] and we ended up going much further [naked but not sex-very close though] and I completely fell for her heart and personality. We used to go on walks along the river near us.. holding her in my arms I felt like my life was complete and nothing could stop me.

    I honestly thought she could be the one [Yes of course I know it sounds ridiculous but I was naive and in love]. But I dreamed of a life with her.

    After being with her half a year and her saying the best day of her life was prom [I could not leave her side! and me who usually NEVER dances danced all night with her]. I started college an hour and a half away… I would visit her every other weekend because I was at college and she was still in high school. But suddenly she said she needed to go on a break because she was stressed with school and couldn’t find the time to talk to me. That stressed me out SOOO much but I wanted her to do well in school [This high school is harder than college… and can really get you to the highest places if you even do average there – everyone is smart]. Eventually after a couple weeks of not talking and me figuratively DYING and my grades going to hell for not having her – I go home to visit and we have Chai at a coffee shop and go for a walk and she breaks up with me. Her reasons: Stress from long distance, and she actually said “I want to date other boys”.

    She said that despite all this she still loved me and I did nothing wrong but that we had to break up. I wish I had reacted differently- there is a lot I regret. But after she wanted to break up I forgot about my feelings and kept telling her it would be ok and I held her in my arms [I hated to see her crying]. I told her it would be impossible for me to move on if we talked after [I REGRET THIS] and we separated ways her running to hug me saying to be friends after.

    This happened more than 6 months ago. My life after that degenerated into me starting to chain smoke cigarettes. I had never smoked before but ended up doing 2 packs a day for a couple weeks. I started cutting my wrists and hurting myself. Frequently getting drunk alone… [This was during my second semester- Somehow I got all A’s despite the fact I was starving myself and hurting]. Suicidal thoughts would never leave my mind and I had put my straight razor to my neck on several occasions [thankfully I never went through with it]. I also started smoking weed. I’m actually a little high right now. It seems like mj is the only thing that has started helping me move on. It’s shocking because the stuff I started doing after the break up is stuff I would NEVER had done and they seem completely out of my character- but I essentially gave up with life and didn’t care about myself. It sounds ridiculous and I understand it’s ridiculous because I’m so young and have barely lived… but my problem is that I can’t stop thinking about her. She is in every thought. I lie in bed at night wishing I held her in my arms but at the same time feeling disgusted by her for her ability to hurt me so much. I dream about her. Sometimes naked sometimes not. I talked to her briefly a couple times months after and she had completely moved on and felt nothing for me. I feel so hurt because even when I talked to her so briefly her personality and what she could say would make me laugh and make me miss her so much…

    When I was with her she completely uncracked my shell of being shy. I could do anything and didn’t care about people thought. I could skip with her with a flower she picked in my ear and would not care. Without her… I’ve regressed to becoming anti-social. I forced myself to volunteer and I work with kids [I did stop cutting and drinking and smoking tobacco before starting to volunteer – no one wants their kids around a psychotic] but volunteering has not helped at all.

    I can’t even begin to imagine a different girl in my life. It’s terrifying. I’ll never think she’s as good as my ex. I’ll close my eyes and think it’s my ex. I’ll never love them. I have no problem in believing someone else would love me. I just don’t believe I myself will fall for someone else. How will I be able to trust someone if the person I loved so dearly just threw it all way so easily?

    Maybe it would be easier if I ‘hooked’ up with someone to separate the physical from the emotional… But I am incapable of sexual acts if no love is involved [They are revolting to me].

    I just feel completely stuck. I’m in love with a girl that I might not even take back for all the pain she’s caused me. And I can’t even begin to imagine loving someone else in my life. I’m regretful of all the things I believe I did to mess up my relationship.

    I’m sorry for my terrible writing. I’m not a good writer when high…

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Yolanda,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing your story. I really appreciate your comments – I’m so glad you found a connection with me. 🙂

    I 100% think you should move on!! You deserve better than to be treated like that. Even if he wasn’t telling you that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, I would tell you to let him go.

    Accept that it wasn’t meant to be. Grieve the end of your relationship. Believe that there is someone else out there for you, who will love and cherish and honor you.

    Here’s an article on starting over:

    https://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/starting-over-after-your-relationship-ends-new-beginnings/

    One day, you will look back and be SO GLAD this relationship is over! Don’t draw out the pain and make it longer than it has to be. Break free, my friend, and reconnect with your heart and soul.

    Come back anytime, let me know how you’re doing. I can’t offer counseling or more advice than I’ve given, but I will listen and give you a big virtual hug! xo

    Stay true to you,
    Laurie

  • Yolanda

    After a tumultous relationship, having been in an abusive relationship: physically, mentally and emotionally, my ex broke up with me hurriedly in order to be in a relationship with another woman. We were together from October 2010, lived together for almost a year until a 9-1-1 call on May 17, 2012 that made him moved out of the apartment and moved back to his mother’s nest. We reconciled and got back together on July 1, 2012 and broke up again on May 17, 2013 (exactly one year from the 9-1-1 incident, same date). I have been reading your block on the abusive and manipulative relationship. And I can tell you Laurie, all the subjects that you covered there happened to our (demise?) relationship. No need to make further description to it. Now I am dealing with my heartbreak because I was the dumpee. My ex would care less because he is currently in a relationship (rebound? not even a week after our break-up). And he told me he has moved on – not even 2 months and he has already moved on? I dont mean to sound bitter, Laurie but I am just trying to be logical on this matter. Why is he doing this? He does not even recognize his role in the break-up while I apologized to him for my part in it. Never did he say that he is sorry for what had happened to our relationship. This man who I stayed with for almost 3 years, made plans together for our future, he even gave me a ring so we could get married next year. What happened? Reading your articles gave me a clear view. I love your articles. I have been reading different blogs and other stuff but yours is different, I have found a connection there. Like I could tell you everything. Now it confuses me – should I get him back (I still love him and care for him) or should I just move on, like he told me to.

  • Laurie

    I can’t offer advice or counseling, but I do have one question:

    If your relationship is as complicated and difficult as it sounds, why do you want to stay in it? I know how heartbreaking and difficult it is to let go of someone you love…but it’s a question of short-term pain versus long-term gain.

    Do the work to heal and move forward now, and your future will be happier, lighter, and easier.

  • Camille

    hi laurie,
    Hoping this one reaches you my last one wasn’t detailed so I hope this one was able to be posted and the last one discarded. sorry for the inconvenience my fiance he left in july one day and didn’t say a word that he was going bak to n.y then two days call me as if he didn’t just up and leave. And he says he felt I needed space. It hurt of course cause if he felt I needed space why didn’t he talk to me before he left. So when he tried to come bak I wouldn’t let him cause I felt betrayed. I took all my anger out on him told him nah he can’t come bak cause that’s not love. Times we talked, times we didn’t talk and for 10months it continued like that. I would speak to him for weeks then not speak to him for weeks all the while he was saying he wasn’t with nobody and he wasn’t sleeping with nobody etc.. Then after I had our daughter snow last month. I felt ok he can come bak cause I feel he been still there for me so he must love me. He was so happy. Then days after that his baby momma write me says they been sleeping together and living together from dec – feb 2013. And that they been sleeping together since aug 2012. I was crushed. Then told him no we can not be!! She also said when she broke it off with him in feb. He was begging for her bak!! Wow.. Anyway he popped up on me last month flowers, balloons teddy bears etc.. He stayed about 2weeks but I couldn’t deal. So I asked him to leave, he begged etc.. But still I couldn’t do it cause he lied says he didn’t beg for her, etc.. I didn’t touch him the whole time and I made him sleep on the coach. He’s gone almost a month now still writes, texts, calls, send letters in the mail etc.. Still says he loves me and was confused and that he had feelings for her and yea he did infact beg for her bak but he never loved her! Smh now he wanna admit truth when he lied in my face!!!!! Idk what to think or believe or do. He says he loves me always have and he just was lost cause he thought he’d lost me . but yet we’ve been talking that who;e time yes going through it because soon as he left, i find out he gave me trich and hpv!! when i went for my ob chek up, i was devastated!! anyway his baby momma says he been taking it out on her, cussing her out all types of things.. But that dnt impress me or show me anything cause he still been with her, sleeping with her unprotected even after knowing he has hpv and gave it to me!!!!! And lying to me all them months like he love me so much saying he would do nun of that to me but he did. So now he keeps trying etc. But I dnt knw what to do or believe because how can someone say they love you but can go sleep with someone that fast and KEEP doing it!! And worse beg for them bak but say he was confused and love me..yet if he loved me why he left me pregnant and was able to still sleep with another knowing he’d just gave me std’s and i was so hurt by that alone!!?? I’m tired of all this and I want to continue my life and although I knw we all make mistakes and are human, I just feel some things aren’t mistakes!! He betrayed me lied kept lying and although I wouldn’t allow him to come right bak after he left, he still was talkn to me the whole time! like he wasn’t even doing nun, just to find out he was living a whole other life until he felt I’d say ok come back and it’s ok u gave me all these stds and left me pregnant and just proposed to me!!.. .. I cried so much but I rather cry than stay a fool. Or if I’m suppose to try and let it go and try.. Smh I just dnt knw what to do..and also I feel like he dnt get how hurt I am! The way he says things like ( what else you want me to do!!! I begged bought you things, ) yes that’s what he says to me.. And then that hurts more. Because I’m like wow are you serious!!! After all you did you say that to me like I should take him bak already! As if he doesn’t care about the pain, he just sees what he doing to get me bak. But how is that enough? Am I crazy or sum? Am I expecting too much? What is wrong with me? Was I suppose to take him bak cause he came all the way down here? He acts like by him coming to t.n that proves he loves me. But why should he get credit for that when his baby live here!!!!!!!! Smh..ughhh I dnt even knw what a man suppose to do to prove he sorry or that he love you after something like this. I just feel I dnt trust him, and he seem like he dnt knw what love is, and how do you go from beggn one girl to the next then say he’d a been dumped her if he knew I was gon take him bak.. She said she dnt believe he ever loved her, she says she feel he used her and that she done with him. But how do I look? I should feel special??? Cause I dnt.. i just hate this pain and he just seems ok. but claims he isn’t..

  • Emily

    So true, letting go is the hardest part. I guess it’s not the person that is hard to let go, it’s all the feelings and the memories you’ve shared together. We just need to accept the facts that people come and go, what’s important is that we met them and learn from them to make us a better person.

  • JAMI

    Hello – I was married for 17 years to an abusive man. I finally left them and less than a year later I got married to another person. I found out he lied about having an extra wife i didn’t know about……….more children than I knew about…………He had no license, no car, he was pretty much “in need”. He has become abusive when we argue and this is something that I do NOT want to deal with again. It took me forever to leave the first relationship, but for some reason this one seems harder and we don’t even have any children together. I’m so confused. He keeps telling me that he has no where to go……..that I’m his best friend, etc. I do feel sorry for him, but I am slowly losing love for him and I really don’t think I am in love with him anymore…………

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Sad,

    It really is devastating that your husband was having an affair for so long! It’s unfathomable, hard to believe, and shocking. My heart goes out to you.

    I don’t know if he’s still lying to you, or if the affair is over. If your gut is telling you he’s lying, then…I think you need to trust your gut.

    But, letting go of your husband is certainly easier said than done! I’m sorry you have to go through this.

    Have you decided what you’re going to do?

  • Sad

    I found out 2 yrs ago my husband of 20 yrs had been having a 3yr long affair with a co-worker. I say it was 3 yes because that’s as far back as I could prove it. It is certainly possible it was longer. I am devedtated! I never dreamed he would do something like that once…but to carry on for YEARS just is I fathomable. Now 2 yrs almost to the day (5/9/11) and it still seems unreal. I had so much faith and trust in him and to know he lied straight to my face on numerous occasions!! Ugh!! My reason for commenting is to ask.. What are the chances it’s just over like that?? He swears he has not spoken to her since but I don’t believe him. Things like that are not just over with that easy. They had to have spoken if for no other reason than to say goodbye but my husband says no way. But my gut tells me he’s lying!! What are the chances a long term relationship is over with no closure?? Really??

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Hurting,

    I am sorry that you’re hurting. The pain of losing someone you love seems like it’ll kill you — I thought I’d die when I lost two of the most important people in my life! But I didn’t die. I slept alot, cried alot, and grieved alot.

    And then I moved on. You asked me what I think you should do, and I think you should accept that your husband wants out of your marriage. I think you should focus on grieving and healing.

    What do you think?

  • Hurting

    I’ve been married for almost 2 years and my husband told me he wanted out of the marriage. He says he doesn’t love me any more and hates is life with me. Our relationship as been rocky from the start. He comes with a lot of baggage: Baby mama drama, felonies is his background and mommas boy. We have been to counseling and things were getting better, he was counsel to cut ties with his mom because of how it affected our relationship. So he did, however it came the time he needed a ride from his mother and ever since they started communicating a lot more, we started falling apart again. He moved out about 3 weeks ago now. Can would text me for sexual favors, however I never accepted. I finally got a text from him stating not to contact him anymore and that the next time I heard anything from him was for the divorce he also stated he was going to find someone and move on. He stated I should do the same. I’m so hurt cause of all I did for this man from; Finding stable employment, get him out of jail, I never cheated, I helped him become a much better person inside and out. I just feel used, how can it be so easy for him get up leave? To tell me he will find someone soon? To tell me he hates is life with me? We’ve never even had a honeymoon because he can’t leave the county, I was a prisoner in my own home, all his restrictions I followed them as well. How can someone do this? I’m devasted!! what should I do?

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you, Jazz! I’m just starting my Quips and Tips/Bounce Back Babe newsletter. That’ll be the start of my online group, I think.

    I appreciate your feedback, and hope we stay connected 🙂

  • Laurie Post author

    I recently updated my ebook about Letting Go of Someone You Love, because of my experience as a support group facilitator.

    If you can find people who know how you feel, you may find it easier to move on and love again. There really is a lot to be said for being with people who have “been there, done that.”

  • Moonshine

    Dear TN,
    I understand what you’re going through. I really do. Some person has also put me through hell. But time will heal our wounds. I’m sure… just give it time, although now it may seem impossible. But I can guarantee you, you can move on. YES you can!

  • TN

    I don’t even know how or where to start. All those years waiting and letting go of the one person I loved so dearly, I finally able to put him down, and accepting a new person in my life.
    Yet, he is just a liar. I feel so hurt. I feel hurt in a way that I’ve never experienced before. My feeling for him is so strong that I just want to blind my eyes, close my ears to accept the lies. Knowing every time he isn’t with me, he’s probably with someone else. And I just want to refuse to know. My pride and my ego are not letting me accept that I’m just like the rest, that I am not any different than all the girls he has been with.
    I have to let go. I know. I have to get rid of what had happened between us and accept this one isn’t for me. But it’s so difficult. I don’t know how I am going to deal with this feeling. The feeling of betrayed and being cheated on. I’m so hurt. So disappointed. I feel so lonely. I held back my tears because it’s not worth it. I have to be strong and act like it’s ok. But when I get back home. In my room. On my bed. I just want to break down to pieces.
    I’m so broken. But I can’t even stay true. I’m hurt. I just want to cry. I just want to forget. I just want to feel better. I don’t want to be here. I don’t….

  • Laurie

    Dear newlywed,

    What a way to start a marriage! Your new husband has been abusing you, and instead of being in the honeymoon phase, you’re doing everything you can to survive.

    I think you need more than “just” learning how to let go of this man you love. You need to learn how to survive an abusive relationship.

    Here’s an article that may help you:

    https://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-do-you-leave-an-abusive-relationship-starting-point/

    Can you do one of the tips in that article? Let me know if there is something in there that may help you.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Jean

    How do you accept your age as it really is, and not want to go back and redo your life? I feel like I have just woken up again after raising children for many years. What do you think about big age differences in relationships?

  • newly wed

    i have now been married atleast 5 weeks, after a dating period of about 18 months. In the past 5 weeks, i have been beaten, shoved around and verbaly sworn at, things i couldnt repeat to the next person. In all the fights, im always made to feel like i am the course, if i didnt smoke he wouldnt have to get violent with me. i never listen to anything he ever asks. A typical abuser, that has attemted to lock me inside the house and keep me from going to work. Kept my wallet and phone so that i would go back. Horrrific things that he has done, could this at all serve as grounds to annul a marriage? I am clear that this is abuse and it is not for me to fix, only he can help himself if he ever comprehends the graveness of his behavioural problem. I need to design a way out, one that will leave me with no stigma such as divorce.please advise

  • Devastated

    Thank you for your comments, no I have not talked to anyone, simply because of a promise I made to him, I think it would help but just can’t seem to break that promise. Why do you think he still calls, admittly not as much in the last few months, but if he didn’t care why would he even bother. I’ve asked him if he wanted to end our “friendship” but he says no, it would make him sad not to be able to talk to me. I know he loved me at one time, if not, then he was a great pretender. And yes I make up things all the time but it just makes it worse and I hurt so much. I truly do love him, its a feeling I’ve truly never felt before. he taught me something else though, better then anyone else in my life, he taught me you can’t trust anyone!!!!

  • Laurie

    Dear Devastated,

    Have you talked to a counselor? I think it’s important for you to talk this through with someone professional, who can guide and support you as you let go of this man you loved. It’s truly devastating to lose someone you thought you would settle down with, especially when the break up was sudden and unexpected. Trying to sort through your feelings alone isn’t as healthy as reaching out and connecting with a professional who can give you expert opinions and guidance.

    Have you considered calling a counselor, and getting help as you sort through the pain of this breakup?

  • Delilah

    Dear Devastated,
    I am so sorry for what you’re having to face right now. I know that it has to hurt like hell. You’re probably making up senarios to justify why he’s treating or rather not treating you this way. What ever the reason, it is a mean spirited behavior on his part. It is also a cruel way to end something that made you feel so good at one time. But you had to have thought that somehow your idealic pretend relationship with him could not last without someone getting hurt in a most profound way. You’re got to take some really deep breaths on this one and become a big girl.

  • Devastated

    I am a 48 yrs old woman who has been married for, soon to be 31 yrs. I thought I was truly happy in my marraige until 5 1/2 yrs ago. I feel hopeless in love with my co-worker, He is also married. I never knew what true love was until him. After being best friends for 6 months, we had a brief 3 month affair, that started 5 yrs ago yesterday. We were both extremely happy, I had told him I had fallen in love with him, he was happy and said I wasn’t the only one who was in love. He would tell me to pick out land for our house and he would change my last name on e-mail I sent him to his name. We truly were happy. Then one day it all changed, he wouldn’t talk to me, I’d ask what was wrong and he’d say nothing. I was and am still devastated and not knowing what truly happened is killing me. I have never trusted anyone in my life till him. He still calls me, and can’t imagine my life with out him. He says he cares for me as a “friend”. I don’t know what to do. I was on medication for depression for 2 yrs, I had to quit my job, and it was a job that I had worked hard at, but I couldn’t work with him with the way he treated me. I don’t know how to let go. He still talks to me and I keep telling myself that he truly does love me or why would he even bother to keep in contact and not say goodbye, (I have asked him, even yesterday, if he wanted to say goodbye, he says no that I need to just chill). I cried all day yesterday because when I talked to him he acts like we were know big deal, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him, of US. He is the 2nd man I have ever been with. What do I do?? Any advice?????

  • maia miranda

    I have been in a relationship close to 40 years after 4 grown children the realtionship seams to get worse there are days that I cant stand to be without him but I can honestly say it only gets worse I find it solonely at times and i feel like he has become an attachement we have so many differences weather its just over the sillest thing I just turned 55 and i really want to let go cant do this anymore any advice as to how to start

  • Laurie

    Dear Conflicted,

    I think the first thing to remember is that you aren’t truly in love with your coworker! Love is dedication, work, committment, responsibility, negotiation, compromise, acceptance, patience, forgiveness, and energy.

    Your feelings for your coworker are just that: feelings. They don’t encompass what true love is! You are attracted to your coworker because he or she is a novelty, an infatuation that is not based on the reality of love.

    So, you let go of someone you think you love by reminding yourself of what you have in your marriage. Your spouse genuninely loves you, and is willing to work things out. This is huge! THAT is true love.

    If you don’t want to quit your job, you need to re-examine your priorities and the vows you took. You owe it to your spouse to act maturely and man up to your marriage. It’s not about quitting your job…it’s about being a good person.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Conflicted

    Laurie,

    I fell in love with someone I work with, I’m married so this was a terrible mistake, my spouse wants to keep the marriage and work throw the forbidden kiss my co-worker and I shared, and I want to get back to us as we’ll; but how do you let go of someone you love when you work with them, and quitting your job is definitely not and option.

  • Laurie

    The only way to let go of someone you love is to keep trying different things until you find what works for you. I am in Peru right now, and all the worries, stresses, and concerns I had back home are not even a faint memory. They are nonexistent!

    Instead of focusing on the person you loved and lost, try focusing on taking risks and living life fully. Accept that you are not meant to be with him or her, and move forward into a more exciting, fulfilling life.

  • Poppyred

    I am currently deciding to give my ex up for good to finally let him go.
    We fell out about 9 months ago and have tried to remain friends, he tells me all the time that he cannot imagine his life without me in it, that he loves me but is not in love with me etc.. I find his actions really confusing as he still wants t know who I’m with and what I’m doing and gets really jealous, yet keeps telling me we cannot have a 2nd chance as it would not work ect. I have to be honest I don’t really want a 2nd chance anymore because all of this is doing my head in, and I seriously think he’s mad and needs t sort his head out and what he wants.
    I think that if I let go, my life will be less stressful and I can finally start t move forward, I just need t get used t not having him around or texting ect That’s the hard part for me but I’m going t give it a go ☺

  • papa

    I love him, more than he knows that I do. But I must let him go for this love is only a big illusion. I never felt he feel the same way for me though we always had a time for each other. I know he only needs me but never love me. I knew it from the start but still I hold on to our relationship hoping he will love me too, but I guess I am wrong. I felt so sad, I cant go away from him but I know I must because this is the best for me. I love you babe always and always will.

  • Nunchuck

    I am in the process of letting go of someone. It’s been on, off for a long time and it feels like it’s draining me of every emotion I have. I’ve lost the feeling of excitement, that feeling of enjoyment and being happy. Now all I feel is resentment. It’s so hard. I don’t think I know what love is any more. I just want to be happy again.

  • anonymous

    I am a person who can’t move on with my ex-boyfriend. Even there are other guys that I know would be better than him. I don’t know what I see on him. Whenever I have a suitor, I forget about him. But there are really times I can’t help but think about him. next day, I will text him back. He is the love of my life. We broke up because of family matters. I am thinking if I am going to fight for him, but hurt my family so much..

  • Laurie

    Maybe it’s not about letting go of love, or of the person we loved.

    Maybe the healthiest thing is to let go of our expectation that that person will love us back.

  • Monica

    The hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that this person does not want you in their life. And as Laurie says it is especially hard when you don’t know exactly what went wrong or why they left you….

  • Dawn

    I have read everyone’s posts, and I think people deal with things in their own way. I am currently in the LONG process of letting go of the absolute love of my life. I married a little over 14 months ago because I was soooo hurt….not exactly the right reasons to get married…but I did nonetheless. After over 3 years of being with him I finally accepted that he did not want a life with me…a future. I am trying to make my marriage work, but not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. Long story short…. my true love has regret and has apologzied to me. I am what he wants, but he will not be in the way of my marriage. I ache for him, but I just don’t have the heart to leave my husband. I’m slowly letting my love go so we can have peace…..but he is very much alive and well in my heart and soul. I believe that if we are meant to be together one day we will. Until then….I do the best I can do with my life by raising my son and trying to make the best of things. I never understood what empty means until now…

  • Mary

    Letting go .. it´s so hard, I don´t love that person anymore, but I still thinking about all the good times, I’m afraid that maybe I never find someone that wonderful.

  • Anon

    I don’t care, I’ve been separated from my soulmate for 3 years now and I can’t even look at other women. There is a thing as true love and I will never give up, I may have made mistakes to get here but life is only lived once and if it isn’t with her it may as well not be lived at all.

  • Claudia cc

    Life is what we make of it. It is extremely difficult to let go of someone that we love but faith is essential. One must let go and let God take over. I have known my husband for 45 years and I have to let him go in my mind, spirit and soul due to his destructive life style. Love is an action, not an emotion. We choose to love and with that, often comes dissapointments, pain and sufferings. By stepping aside, we give the person an opportunity to find himself and let God do His will.

  • kVw

    @toomanyregrets- how are you doing thru ur bf leaving to go home to his country? I’m jus beginning the journey and it seems urs began a few months ago…advice?

  • Laurie Post author

    Someone recently told me that they will never let go of the person they love. Rather, they will hold on to the memories for as long as they can, because this keeps the person alive.

    I’m not sure if this is good or bad, but it wouldn’t work for me. I’d rather let go than hold on.

  • meme

    My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 beautiful children. My husband has been on drugs for 18 years, 7years ago I too started useing…before I knew it I was addicted. 5 years ago I booked into rehab and have been batteling since then to recover as I just can’t find the courage to leave him because I love him…yet I know that while his still in active addictive I won’t get my recovery. His in denial, says I’m the sick one not him. How marriage is so toxic and my selfishness won’t even let me consider my children. I really pray for the courage to change the things I can.

  • John

    I’ve been in love a number of times, and yes, it’s painful, but I never felt anything like what I did for Alison. She was an obsession, though I couldn’t tell you why. I just wanted to be with her all the time. It ended badly, because of bad communication (and that she lived in England). I fell into a deep clinical depression (2 years), and was helped out of it by my old girlfriend who eventually became my wife. Recently I found the letter that she sent me after our summer together. It turns out that I hadn’t read the letter proper – my mind was too shattered and depressed at the time, – and that she had left the door open for us to be together again. It brought Alison back into my heart in a big way, and I tried to find her, if only to explain. That’s what I told myself. I discovered that she got married 5 years later, and even though Alison happened more than 20 years ago, I still feel devastated, like it happened yesterday. I’m afraid the despair is out of control. I know it’s not rational, and certainly not fair to my wife. I still want to find her, to have her in my life any way possible, even if she’s happily married, as a friend, or at least to make her human again in my deranged mind.

  • Sydnee

    I want to let go so very much…I made the mistake of falling in love with a co-worker. Now, of course, it’s over. He ended it for various reasons…some I know, other’s I’m guessing at. The problem is this: I can still FEEL that he really does love me and wants to be with me. Perhaps it’s just a made up thing in my head, it probably is. It’s just so odd, because normally I would have moved on, (we were only together for less than a year and it was on and off) but with this man it’s different. Deep down inside, everytime I begin to move forward, I hear a tiny voice that says, “Hold on to hope for you both”. There is no chance, it’s just gotten wayyy too complex and even if he really does still love me, he is not mature enough to act on it in the proper way. I do have a new guy and he is great to me, I suppose I just need to keep doing what I have been and that is keeping my distance, speaking to him only as absolutely needed and to stop reliving what I miss so much about him and fantasizing that he is missing me, wanting me to come back to him. As I write this, it seems so silly because I was married for 19 yrs and still, this break up has hit me even harder than the divorce. Very confusing! All my best to everyone who is going through this. It flat out, sucks. 🙁

  • Nellie

    Having lived with my partner for 12 years, I blamed myself for everything. Until, I realize I made the choice to leave him and move on. It was so hard, but now I am making choices for my daughter and myself. I lost all materialistic thing,but I did not let him drive me to death.

    After three years, I can think for myself and confront all that is placed in front of me and face it with strength. God, Family, Friends and my precious daughter. I thank you, for all your support. There is hope in the afterlife of a relationship. You just have to make a “choice” to move forward.

  • Mary Lauren

    It’s a beautiful, pure, God centered friendship that blossoms through time and sharing on reflections about God that unconciously I realised I have grown to love and cherished this friendship. Then without any warning the person just hit me with a statement, “I realized I should not communicate with you anymore” and period. The rest is question. I am confused, what went wrong and now I still feel the pain of losing this friendship.

    I seek consolation from God that sometimes things happen for a good reason which we may not know now… but still it is very painful. And I haven’t get over the pain. Worst sometimes, nobody can understand me… I think of the other person, why can’t we talk and together decide to stop communication instead of making the other person suffer by unknowing the real cause… But I guess I can only say it to myself..

  • Laurie Post author

    Sometimes there really is nothing you can do, except let go of the person you love. I know how hard it is, especially when you don’t know exactly what went wrong or why they left you.

    Letting go is painful, but holding on may be worse.

  • Steve Skingle

    I had an amazing relationship with my first love. We dated for 2 years 12 years ago. She was my first love, I was hers. After 2 years I split up with her as it just wasn’t working. I hurt her quite badly but we went on to be really good friends. Always going on holiday, always there for each other when our relationships went bad with other people and we were sleeping with each other over the years.

    Back in May this year we officially got back together. It was amazing. We re-kindled the love all over again and things were really good. Unfortunately my mum got ill and passed away in August. The stress of it made me push her away. There were times when i just flipped with the stress (Not violent), but verbally intimidating. I really thought she would stick by me but we had a huge row 2 weeks ago and now she tells me although she’s loved me for 10 years she doesn’t any longer. She doesn’t want a relationship with me and now won’t even talk to me.

    The heartbreak is incredible. She completely hates me. I can’t help but try to contact her although I know I shouldn’t. I love this girl so much and the thought of loosing 12 years of love and friendship is heartbreaking.
    I’ve lost the two closest women to me in a year, I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if there is anything I can do :'(

  • melissa

    This is my story. I met a man through work seven years ago. There was a spark of interest between us right away but we were both involved with other people. He is a vendor-I am his client…we continue to have a work connection. From the moment we met in 2005, we talked with each other on the telephone several times each week-some work but more personal. In February 2010 I realized that I loved him-we had only actually been in each other’s company two times up to that point. I thought he was interested in me as well-he had a girlfriend at the time who lived with him. He insisted that things were on the rocks because she wanted things he did not want like marriage and a child. He has never been married but has twin sons from a previous relationship. Right now he is 47 and I am 44. They broke up in May-we saw wach other for most of the summer when we could-he disappeared from my life in october 2010. Literally disappeared-stopped calling, etc. I had a feeling that he reconnected with his ex but he did not admit it until January 2011. We conitnued to talk and see each other the entire time he was with her…they broke up again in May 2012-we have been seeing each other ever since but I have been scared and insecure the entire time about him-I don’t trust him at all and have questioned him about things-this annoys him. he doesn’t always answer his phone and disappears…we have been seeing each other but he doesn’t always include me in his life…but at times he does. The other day he said that being with me is like work because I am too dramatic and he cannot deal with it…said that it would have been easier to stay with his ex…he planned a trip to mexico and did not tell me about it until two days before he left…I offered to pick him up from the airport…he gave me three different airlines…I called him on it…told him that I knew he was with another girl and maybe even his ex..he denied…asked me if I was insane. I have decided to cut all contact with him but it is killing me…I cannot focus on anything else although I know that based on the things that have happened he doesn’t love me or want to be with me. I want to disappear.

  • Justin M

    My fiancee recetly left me in the middle of the night while I was working. She moved back to Washington from Arizona where hshe and I have lived to be with her father who is dying of brain cancer. She told me that she left me because she was being selfish for not being in Washington and taking care of her father.

    I began therapy sessions right away trying to figure out why she did this to me. Two months later while having a full discloseure conversation she revealed to me that she left because I sad and did ean things to her. Things came as a shock because I never knew she had felt this way. She had never told me she was unahppy.

    When we fought i did say hurtfu things which i learned in my first therapy sessions is a nono. I explained to her that a lack of communication on both parts has caused a huge rift in the relationship.

    She told me taht day that she wanted to end the relationship becuase she was never going to move back to Arizona because shes happy in Washington. During the last tow months she continues to tell me tht she loves me, we are soulmates, and she wants to marry me. Im so confused what do I do?

  • Daina

    It’s hard to let go especially if he lives with u in the same building. A part of me moved on, or thats what i thought, but when i saw him back with his ex girlfriend that he’s ben broken up with from two years. My heart shattered, because just 3 months we knew we still liked each other a bit, but not as much. The worst part about this is he still wants to be good friends with me,more like a brother, he talks to me, he texts me, and i sometimes get hurt when I’m around him, but other times I feel nothing towards him. I don’t know if I’m bored that’s why I need him in my life cuz he was a sort of entertainer, or if there is a small tiny part that hasn’t moved on from him.

  • B Tatum

    I think the hardest thing for me right now is that he has no intention of leaving me but I know that, although I love him deeply, he doesn’t include me in his life the way I’d like to be included. How do you leave someone you love, who does not want to leave you, but the relationship is not going where you want and need it to go? We have the same off sense of humor,finish each other’s sentences, he never lets me be without anything I need, pays my bills, cheers me up, helps around the house, is wonderful with my child- but he has no intention of being anything more than what he is to me. I will never be fully included in his life. I have to leave because I want something that I know he will never provide for me. How do I let go of all of the wonderful things he is to me, with the uncertainty of ever finding anyone again who is as perfectly matched to me as he is. He gets me, loves me as I am, flaws and all. He is a beautiful human being. I don’t want to let go of all that i have with him but i know I’d be miserable without the things he will not do. Bird in the hand, two in the bush but I’m scared to let go to get what I need and deserve. There is nothing about his person I am not in love with. How do I let go?

  • lonelyandhurting

    I am finding it very difficult to let go of a very connecting relationship that last two years. We talked so intimately and were so very connected. We had the issue of whether we can marry or live together, because we do have different styles. But, we hung on .. I thought and believed it better to be with him than to lose him forever. He is a huge part of me! I cannot state that enough. After he broke up with me, he clung to me more than ever. However, last week he found someone else. When he did this, I did not know it, but felt it. Felt it hard. I ended up in the ICU with a TIA!! Now, when I think of him (& I can’t stop thinking of him and have tried), my heart hurts!! really hurts and at times it will pump one hard time and feel like it’s going to explode! I have never had to let go of someone I love so much. I don’t know how. And, knowing he can easily move on hurts even more. I just don’t know what to do. The more I try to move on, the more a force greater than me holds me back.

  • notmineanymore

    My ex and I broke up last year – well he broke up with me, three different times. We got along very well, loved each other, planning our future, so much in common. Problem is, he was/is very needy. (his stats: divorced twice, mom passed away, sees a therapist) If I said I love you 20 times a day, he was upset that it wasn’t 21 times. It was long distance so I always made sure to share my feelings but I guess it wasn’t enough. He got jealous over stupid things, and was angry when I didn’t get jealous of things he did (I trusted him so why be jealous?). Here is where I get upset with myself, I still miss him! Since the break up, we have kept in touch, via email/texting. We got together for a weekend earlier this year and had an amazing time, like we picked up where we left off. When the weekend ended, he became distant again. He told me he loved our time together, wanted to get together again, but then nothing. He is now dating someone new so I asked if she was the one and he said well we already broke up once so who knows. Of course it bothers me that he has a new gf in his life 🙁 Again.. I continue texting because I still miss him. And he always texts back. He starts the conversations sometimes, but most times I do. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell me to stop contacting him, that he is happy, time to move on, etc. Would love feedback – just want to be able to move on since I know he really isn’t right for me – it’s just so hard when I gave so much, had so much fun, and really felt that his insecurities/history were manageable. How do I just let go?

  • Lisa

    Does anyone know the saying of you never know what you have until it is gone? I do. At least now I know. But I can’t entirely blame myself because it’s not just my fault. I was with my ex for 11 months and it was on and off. We fight break up then make up. Last April he broke up with me to pursue music. I did not fight for him, why should I if hes will to let us go because of his music. And he WASN’T EVEN GOOD! I was in so much pain, I forced my self to move on. With the help of my friends and family It took me two and a half weeks to feel nothing for him. It was tortue, but i was soo proud of myself. I was happy. A few days later he texted me trying to start an arguemnt and I fed into it. I still hated him, but he fought to get me back. he didn’t realize what he had until I was gone. I was enjoying my single life, but a few weeks later we got back together. Although we were together I was still doing me. I should have just said no and let him go through the pain then to force myself to fall back in love with him. I did. I starting treating him bad because of what I turned into. It came to the point where he was just tired of hurting, that I would never go back to the old me. So he called quits again. I guess it hurt twice as hard because it was happening all over again but this time it was my fault. The tables turned on me. I fought for him, but I shouldn’t have. It was my fault for getting back with him. Now I have to fall out of love with him again. I will do it again. And there is no turning around. Women are so emotional. Men aren’t. He’s over me, now I have to get over him. And I will.

  • Nana

    I was in a 4 1/2 year relationship. We went through a major issue of his not wanting to get married or move in with me. And after a few breakups we got to a place where I was okay with that. I Knew I rather have him in my life than not, even if it meant us never marrying. Then one day he told me “somethings wrong with our relationship”. And then told me what was wrong “was that we werent married or living together” by now. I dont and never will understand this. I let him go. But I know there was never anyone more right for me. It hurts to think that maybe I was not right for him. Although he never said that to me. On the contrary, he always showed me he loved me very much. Except for actually marrying me. Somethings you will never understand.

  • Lissa

    Letting go is beginning to feel like such a chore for me, it’s something I feel like I’m on the curb of doing, and then I just fall a million steps back. I was best friends with my first love for two years before anything ever happened (although I began to develop feelings for him mid-friendship), but I didn’t say anything to him. I wanted him to realise for himself. He did, eventually, and everything was great for a while. It’s the only time I’ve ever let somebody really whisk me away. I lost my virginity to him, and a week later he told me he didn’t want to do it any more, that it was too hard for him to get his head around being more than friends. Not long afterwards he started persuing another woman. I felt, and still feel to an extent, used. He loved me, I know he did, but I never really got answers, and that’s the worst part. We don’t speak anymore, although I see him regularly. I lost my best friend and my first love in one go over a year ago, and I still haven’t let it go.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Sarah,

    Letting go of someone you love is even more difficult when you’re married to someone new, whom you don’t connect with as well as you did your ex. And, marriage is hard enough without being haunted by memories of a past love!

    I wrote this article for you:

    Did I Marry the Wrong Guy? I’m Still in Love With My Ex

    I hope it helps, and encourage you to keep writing and even talking about your feelings. Keeping it in will make things worse; talking and writing it out will help you cope with your feelings.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Ellie,

    The reason you’re hurt, confused, and vulnerable is because you know you’re not meant to be with this guy. He’s MARRIED, and he’s using other women in your office — he’s not just using you! He has that same connection with them as he does with you. He tells them the same things he tells you, and he’s telling his wife how much he loves her, too. He’s sick. He’s playing you women, and you’re all just rolling over for him.

    I wrote this article for you:

    How Do I Work With a Coworker I’m in Love With?

    One thing I didn’t mention in the article – maybe you should take a 2 week vacation or leave of absence. Get some distance, and try to look at your situation objectively.

    You deserve better than him.

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  • Unknown

    Me and my bf have been dating for 3 years. We are totally in love with each other. He does want to marry me, but the problem is, some girl entered into his life last year, and she wanted him badly and tried to steal him away from me, and she said she was going to ruin his life, if he didn’t talk to her. So he had to text her. I did tell him please do not tell her you love her, or call her babe, and he said ofcourse, I won’t! Then I checked his phone a few weeks later, and he told her he loved her a few times and was calling her babe? I did inform him and he just started yelling at me calling me snoopy and made me leave the room…… Days later I walk in on him on the flowers website ordering roses, I thought they were for me, turns out they were for her, with a love note on it which i found the reciept hidden in his desk. He has never done this for me! Also he bought her a $200 dollar ring… And I found the reciept also, and he said she asked him to buy it for her because she doesn’t have a credit card to order it???! I didnt believe that, sounds like a lie. This girl of course has blonde hair, now anytime I see a girl with blonde hair I get really mad, I feel as if I can’t get over it, it’s been a year since she finally wanted to break up with him. He said its about time to me but I feel like he cared alot for her. About 3 months ago behind my back he wanted to meet up with her at the gym to see how things were, i found this out because she texte him while he was sleeping and ofcourse I looked. I get so angry and upset and it starts a huge fight! We are stil together, and he says he loves me so much. More than anybody. What should I do, should I stay with him and eventually get married, should I leave him? I feel like I’ve been through so much, I’ve turned from a sweet loving caring girl, to a jealous, bitter, angry girl. I miss the old me, and I can’t find her with everything that I’ve been through. What should I do?

  • DimandDiva

    I was with my first love, my childrens father, my best friend, my everything for 8 years. I stood by him when everyone else gave up on him. I believed in him when no one else cared. I married him because he said he loved me/us. I went against what everyone told me to do and said yes because my heart believed that he would be there when times got tough. I LOVED HIM. I STILL LOVE HIM. About 3 months ago he walked out on us and has not looked back. He went to be with an older woman who he says is more stable. I have been trying to think of things that I could have done differently, but I’m not sure it would have changed anything. All I know is that it hurts. I never wanted kids but he wanted a family and we have two beautiful daughters whom I love dearly. I never wanted to get married until the 6th time he asked me. I am really hurting and wish that I had an easy button to fix my broken heart.

  • Ellie Tranton

    Since Janruary I have been emotionally involved with a co worker that is married. We have been physical but never sex. We totally get each other and deeply love each other. He has recently finished it with me as he has too much to lose. His wife has known for a while and his parents stated that if he left the marriage that they would no longer be there for him. He still seeks quiet time at work to see me, and I take part as I love him in a way I have never loved. He is also spending time with other females at work and this makes me so churned up. I am so hurt, confused, vulnerable. Please can someone tell me how to move on when I am faced with the above every day. We are not kids, we are 35 with very professional careers. Thank you

  • jomer albino

    Thanks for the tips advices i really know what to do me and my girlfriend just broke up recently and i need to move on coz im the only one got hurt i what i need now is to rise and live a new life new start. And now what i want to do is to forget the pain and treasure our good moments when we were still together i hope he find his true love someone more better than me to take care of her all my life that we were together she’s always hurting me. And for those time i was cying all the time and she always says sorry but in the end i still forgive her coz i love her so much i dont want to leave her what i want for her is to change so we can workout our relationship and now im crying again to all of the persons here sometimes its nice to be martyr right? even if it hurts coz you dont want to leave her side even if she always hurts me i still forgive her im one of those martyrs i do anything for the sake of the relationship but this time its over what i need to let the pain go away is to let go she just broke up with me recently telling me that she’s bored to our relationship what reason ryt? well i did my part to be the best boyfriend but in the end it was me all alone left behind with a whole in my heart thanks again for the tips on how to let go the person you truly love. :’)

  • Rayray

    In love but so mad and trying to force myself out of this relationship I ran to arms of an older man as I am a younger blind woman. I went straight to him right out of my divorce… He has temper and a low self esteem. He is controlling and macho. He wont change much for me and wants me to do all the changing… Its a long distance relationship and I still sit at home leashed to the telephone most of the time argueing. I am blind with a brittle case of diabetes and alot of health problems. He loves to take care of me but then sometimes makes me feel bad and guilty. (I crave his loving attention, sex and want him to take care of me but he so nasty, impacient and blows fuse and he scares me… I am falling and it hurts!

  • toomanyregrets

    I’ve been crying every day since the day he left. Its been 2 months. I spent practically half of this year with him, and fell in love, but he was studying abroad here, and I knew he was going to leave, so I tried to keep my feelings at a distance. I tried to see another guy, in hopes that things would work out… and my feelings would go away. I started to like “guy b” but he wasn’t who I really wanted. the week that he left to his country, i was devastated. “guy b” even cut me off the following week… no explanation… just disappeared.

    The guy I have feelings for likes me too, but he lives in another country. We contact each other almost every day, but I feel like I’m fading from his mind and falling for other girls. Since he’s back home, being in the USA was almost like a dream to him, but for me, I’m empty… because he was taken away from my environment. I got used to him being around, and it hurts that he’s not here with me. It’s almost like grieving a death, even though I know he’s still alive and well… I miss him SO MUCH. It hurts me every day. Not just because he’s gone, but because my attention should have been only for him, and not “guy b”. I regret it and I have to live with the fact that I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. No one has treated me as well, and cared about me as much as he has. He’s rare, and special, and I am so stupid for holding my feelings back from him while he was here. I could fly to his country and be with him, but Im still in school, and so is he… and many things can happen from now till graduation for both me and him.

    I should have brought up a plan… but I think at this point, I should just let it go. I keep getting signs (seeing things, hearing things, coming into contact with things– all having to do with his country) to visit him, but I think that maybe it’s hurting me so much, that I really need to just let him go. I love him and I will always love him… but if he finds someone there, that will make him happy. I want that for him. I want him to be happy… even if it’s not being happy with me. I just want to be happy too… </3 and I'm not.

  • Jennifer Love

    I’m going through a break up that I should be happy and relieved about,I’m trying to be.it was very unhealthy ,abusive to me.so,that said,I’m still feeling the …pain of some loss.Alot actually.I guess I was in such a fantasy world that that’s what I miss,the hope…because the relationship got so bad the reality was get out! But then I would believe his sorries,take his gifts and. Cling to the fantasy that things will get better…all they got was worse. I know I’m better off,everyone that knows me knows that…so why do I miss him….well,it’s just change and I need to feel it and allow change and good things into my life…letting go..it’s not easy…but it’s possible…

  • JoyceH

    I really need to let go of my daughter’s dad we been in a on and off relationship for 12 years I don’t know what else to do all I do is cry and I no longer want to cry anymore He wants to be friends for the sake of our daughter and friends I just can’t do I tried to set a schedule up so that our paths would not cross unless it’s an emergency but he want follow it. It hurts me to see him I don’t know what else to do I’m trying as hard as I can to let go 🙁 what can I do

    ~Joya~

  • William

    I let go of someone I truly loved when I realised we weren’t on the same page. I’ve thought about and could live a future with her in it. We often talked about our future but it turns out she didn’t give us in the future a single thought; all her words were lies or unthoughtful words. Maybe she isn’t ready because she’s younger than me but then how do I let go of her because I believe if she was older all this would have worked out. Staying in the relationship was so painful due to the lack of acknowledgement but being out of it is almost as painful.

  • Erica

    It’s really hard for me to let go of my ex….really hard I think its this hard for me to let go because he was my first love, my first everything. we were together for 2yrs we broke up because i found out from a old friend that he cheated on me. He tells me it isnt true I Didnt believe him so i broke up with him a month went by and i texted him and told him i wanted to work things out but he said he didnt want to because im immature i believe everyone but him and he’s not ready to jump back in Because he was so hurt when i dumped him. He doesnt want to go through that Again he wants his space and time. He Said maybe in the future we can get back together. I Want Him Back NOW And Idk What else to say to get him back ill do anything to have him back:(I dont want to give up…

  • julia

    kudos!

    though most of this things are easier said than done.

    I am going thru a severe break up for the last 3 months or so and i tell its not a joke even after counting your losses.

    one remembers of the things and hell you went thru protecting such aperson. mine was an addict, drunkard and a depressed case. when no one could take him in or stand by him….i remained there without a complain but he came up with the magical want he needs a BREAK…..IT IS NOT EASY BUT GOD PUTS YOU THRU IT AND OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!!! WHICH BOOK CAN I USE?

  • JamesW

    @rathernotsay – I’m there with you on that. I’ve been hurt by a really close friend who I ended up having an affair with and because in the end she couldn’t handle what we had done she no longer speaks to me. It is hard and I feel hurt by the things she said to me and the way I was cut out of her life but I accept it now and try to focus on the good memories only. Moving on is the hardest thing to do but it is the only way.

  • Rathernotsay

    I have to let go of someone that is now letting go of me. Originally he’d be showering me with attention, always there for me, cared for me a lot.. But I took him for granted, and now we don’t speak anymore let alone see each other. I feel heartbroken but have learnt to always appreciate everyone who loves you regardless of who they are, and never take anyone for granted. Despite missing this guy, I know that we aren’t meant to be so I’m in a position where I need to try my best to move on.

  • Sarah

    Hi, I am having a lot of trouble letting go I just got married 6 months ago and though I haven’t cheated on my husband and nor do I want to, I’m having thought of did I marry the wrong guy. I’m still in love with my ex we were together four years and had way more connection then me and my husband do.. I feel guilt all the time.. Me and my ex were very young I know he feels the same our lives just went different ways.. I was in a bad place and felt like I had to marry my husband to get out of trouble I felt like I owed it to him. Thanks for listening I have never told anyone this

  • Claudia

    How do you let go of someone that you love and he says he loves you and misses you,but can’t be with you because his kids threaten to leave him,because they have been brainwashed by their mother!
    Me and this men shared a loving relationship that was so loving,we shared same interests and loved each others company,but because he so scared of losing his kids we broke up.
    It’s so heart breaking to let go when you know that it felt right,he was my soulmate.
    It hurts but I have to let go as I know deep down if he really loved me he would have fight for us.
    I have been supporting and cared a lot for this men,took his kids like there were mine and then from one day they like me to the next they hate me!
    I’m so sad to have to let go of so ething that could have been good 🙁

  • JamesW

    @Danielle, well done to you. We are all human and at times, even though we love the person we’re with, we will all go through phases where we are attracted to others, we wonder “what if”, and in many cases we act on it, in others we do not. The main thing though is that we apologise (even sub-consciously) to the ones we love or have hurt, and move on. We take control of our own happiness and move on. And you are right. Over time it becomes easier. I had an affair with my best friend whom I had known previously as a buddy for three years. It was awkward, even during the affair, but we were attracted and eventually succumbed to our desires. Now it is over, not on good terms, and we are no longer friends. I have forgiven myself and I have forgiven her for how I perceive she hurt and treated me. Without doing that I would be wallowing in misery but after saying everything I had to say to her over a period of 3 months in email, I sent her a card last week and basically said ‘thank you’ for having known her and wishing her well. I can now move on, looking back only on the good memories I have of her. I needed to forgive her but also myself in order to be able to do that.

  • Danielle

    @james….its exactly what i have started to do…take control of my life…When I need to cry I cry…but am finding i am doing it less and less. My husband is a very forgiving man. I am not saying we are alright by any means at all, but he is talking to me and being kind, tho i expect him to express his feelings to me soon. I am ready for that, ready for him to get angry, sad, frustrated, whatever it takes. We still may not reconcile and that is ok too but at least he is getting the opportunity to get things off his chest and to ask me all the whys he needs to. I on the other hand am dealing with things in my own way. I have completely terminated all and any contact with said person, I have completely deleted the program i had met the person on line with, I have prayed and pretty much was grief stricken because I had to face some truths about my own self…But I am human and Do think about “him” and how to let go of “him”….I think once I can figure out who I really am and what I really want….I will be able to move on.

  • James W

    @Devastated, @Robin, @Krystal – how do you get over this and move on? You need to be thankful for what you have that’s good in your life and get up tomorrow and start getting busy doing other things. Waiting for something to happen or for your ex to come back may never happen. You are in control here. Start taking control of your own happiness without depending on someone else to do it for you.

  • Devastated

    I had an affair of the heart with someone I met online, whom I thought I could trust. I talked to this person intimately for three and a half months and fell in love with him….so in love with him. He was supposed to meet me in real life so we set up a date, He was coming to be with me. Then I find out through a message on my cellphone that he was actually a she…She used voice morph, had me totally fooled. Anyway, I forged ahead, even tho i never had a relationship with a woman because i was so in love with this person I decided to give it a try. We didn’t last three weeks because I could not get past the lies and was always looking for him. So I let her go. My question is…..How the hell are you supposed to let go of something that didn’t exist??! I keep telling myself that he does not exist in life, that he could just be a dream and I should just let go, but my heart still thinks he is real. So I am suffering a loss much like a death. How do I let go of that? I have really good days and really bad ones too just like the rest of you. OH, and I left a 14 year marriage for this non existent person also. I am such a fool and feel so used and so stupid for even trusting this person. I am destroyed by betrayal and lies……

  • krystal

    I am going through some ruff times me and my bf have been together a year and six months and has not been easy from the get go we got engaged and moved to his home town and he changed
    I am 26 he’s 21 and I have a 5 year old child not his
    I do stupid things like post how I’m feeling on media sites and he seen one status and msged me that he’s coming to pack and leave and we do this very often he will leave for a week and come back he makes me dwell in what I did wrong but its how can I stop him from leaving and tell him if he communicated withg me I wouldn’t need to post how I’m feeling yes I admidt what I did was wrong and this isn’t my first time doing I don’t get why I keep making the same mistake its like I’m lashing out and hurting and no one is listening or don’t care I love this man with all my heart he is only man who’s been in my sons life so its killing me inside we have a home we have pets together etc and suppose toi married in april I know it all sounds messed. Up oh it is but I truely wanna fix it and stay together 🙁

  • Robin

    This is the second time my ex and I have seperated. We have a 4 and a 6 yr old together. The breakup was partly my fault and at fist the seperation felt like a good thing, but know it just hurts. We have been seperated for 2 1/2 months now and not but a few weeks after I moved out he became friends with an older women. She comes down every weekend to see him. Knowing that he has a new “friend” as he calls her really hurts. I just want to let go and not hurt anymore, but i just dont know how to let go. Not being able to let feels like it is destroying me.

  • Hadley

    Just needed to vent and found this site.. I had been back and forth with my ex for some time. We have a young daughter together – she is almost two. Each time, I know it’s not a good idea, yet I take him back thinking maybe “this time” will be different.

    The last time, I really did feel like it was going so well for about 4 months, then it all changed. He still came around for his regular visits to our daughter (he typically comes to my place to visit her 2X a week in the mornings on his way to work) but we did not do any “family” things anymore like dinners together or him sleeping over at my place, etc..

    I asked him what has been going on, why he’s distanced himself. He wouldn’t give me a straight answer, then eventually admitted that he was “dating” someone else. That was about a month ago. I have seen pictures of him with her through random social media sites and it literally ripped my heart out. I know I need to move on and not be around when he comes to see our daughter but it is so hard. I am trying to be strong for my daughter. One day I will feel great and take a step forward, then the next day I will take two steps back. I wish I could make the pain I feel go away.

    I mainly feel like an idiot to think things would be different that time or even that he really did love me at all. Turns out, I was just one of many in his books.

  • James W

    @Renee
    It’s only Wednesday since it happened and I know that seems like a lifetime but maybe what you both need right now is a little space. You can bet he’s thinking about you too. I’m no expert but being with someone isn’t always easy and falling out / breaking up is all part of the deal. If you still want him send him a card (I wouldn’t text or email) because the card will surprise him and keep it simple – “I’m sorry” “I do love you” “I miss you” “Can we talk?”. The one thing I have learnt (the hard way) is to say your feelings with confidence, not pain or hurt. Appear and look strong in what you say and keep your dignity and self-respect. Remember that there’s two people in this and that you also deserve to be heard and respected.

  • Reneé

    My boyfriend and I just broke up on wensday it’s so hard to talk bout it right he said some really harsh tongs like that if I’m mad at him then I don’t really care about his feelings. And I’m not just thinking of the good times I’m thinking of the bad times as well. It is just so hard to let go I feel as though I will never find anyone that loved me and looked at me as he did. I mean it’s just so hard. I wish we could work things out but I don’t know. I want to because I want him to understand that I do care about his feelings and want him to understand how I feel right now as well. What can I do?

  • James

    Me and my partner haven’t broken up yet as such. But earlier I thought she was close to doing so. But in all fairness, i feel as though it’s all my fault. I’m that sort of guy who’s really over sensitive, who cares a tad to much you could say. I take a lot out on her. I’m over protective, and always worry in case anything happens between us. But this relationship hasn’t been the most easiest. She lives in Scotland, where as i’m in England. It’s a tough time. And in turn I end up worrying too much. She’s been kissed by three lads at partys while we’ve been together, and she even admited to a friend at a party if she was drunk she wouldn’t be able to control herself basicly. This is why I don’t know what to do. I broke down earlier, thinking she was going to leave me, because she said she can’t handle how protective I am. Am I a bad person? I don’t know. I seem to desperate, but please, someone, help?

  • heartbroken.

    lately i have been missing her so much i feel lyk im going crazy,lyk my heart is so heavy it lyk im gona explode i dnt knw wht to do anymore nt 2mic her dis much i even snt her msg and called her and i made things worse nw she has even blocked me every way she could ive lost all contact wth her i feel lyk ive done some kind of a crime nw.oh God how i love her its not even funny anymore and i want 2let her go bt i jst i tnk i cnt imagine lyf wthout her and i feel so foolish for bieng so desperate. I want 2let her go i hav 2.

  • WhiteHeart

    Uhh thank you for the tips but its not working with me i cant forget him i always think about him & now i prefer to be single cuz i cant be with a guy and my heart belongs to another one :”( i wish if i didnt know you Johnny.

  • James

    @Heartbroken, @Rosanna, @Kim…time heals everything, I know it does. What surprises me is both the hardness of the human heart sometimes but also the kindness. What makes people change to be so cold and unfeeling is so difficult to understand. We are all human and everyone is capable of love, forgiveness and kindness.

  • Lifeisurgent

    @Rosanna – the fact that you believe in yourself and that you deserve that someone special is the key. Never doubt this and give up hope. Be patient and the rest will follow. Also make sure you make some changes and maybe even take some risks. E.g. Start a new hobby, or see if you can find a new group of interest, e.g. On meetup.com. Get out of your comfort zone somehow and don’t think about that special someone anymore. He will appear once your focus has shifted.
    About me: married for 21 years, 5 year old child. I am an immigrant in the country i live with no family. My husband is an only child, his parents live in another town. We both work with a almost non existence support network. I have always found it hard to make good friends in this country, but believe that I am a great person to have in ones life. My husband is ok, we love each other but are more like flatmates. We have a high mortgage on an unfinished house. Our lives are just going through the motions of daily routines. We have cashflow issues which limit us and for years we have had little money to spend on fun stuff and adventures. Our lives are boring, sex hasnt happened for years and when i try to tell him how i feel he invalidates my feelings and dreams i still have. I dislike him for neglecting me emotionally and his tactless responses to my feelings. I stopped telling him about myself. Most days i feel that life is like sand falling through my fingers. To leave this life is difficult as i have no support in terms of helping with childcare. My husband is also a shiftworker which adds another dimension to childcare arrangements. Our child also goes to a private school (a decision we made when we thought my husbands promotion was going to happen this year, but may still take quite some time now – a mistake in hinesight). To leave i would need to sell an unfinished house (he would refuse as too much money lost), put our son into a public school (big changes for him) and i would be a solo parent in a foreign country with no support network juggling a full time job. Its hard. I dont know what to do, but always believe i am a great person to know or love and maybe one day i will see a door that i can go through that will give me a new life with special people (or that one) who truly cares about me even when i struggle. Its the skill thats missing in many people to listen, care and give.
    May that one big dream come true for YOU, Rosanna.

  • kim

    I’m going through a recent breakup with a boyfriend. He completely changed on me . Hes the person he said he would never be come .. its hard getting over it . Soon. He’s leaving for college and I don’t know how I’m gonna take it. I see depression ahead.

  • James

    the thing to remember is that you tried and she wasn’t forgiving enough to listen to you or feel your pain and give you a little closure. Let her go now my friend. Everything heals with time. You will look back and be stronger for it and learn to cope with it next time if it should happen again. Maybe she just wasn’t the one for you. You sound like a good guy with a good heart. Lend your heart to someone else now and move on. Good luck.

  • Rosanna

    the hardest thing for me to do is let go of my ex husband who has moved on so swiftly he had an affair had a child and married his mistress. I am left alone empty with two kids and no one to love me. I was with this man for 19 years and really thought we were happy until 4 years ago when I caught him….my world was shattered. I cant get why i havent met that someone special who loves me and only me I am not ugly looking am intelligent and yet nothing i just want it to be my turn…….sigh

  • heartbroken.

    @james i knw exactly wht u tlkng abwt when u talk abwt jst wntng some closure,even me it’s the same thing i jst wntd some closure bt she jst gave me the silent treatment and dat really hurt when u try 2tel someone how u feel and how much u are hurting bt they jst ignore u stl and they seem nt 2giv a damn and u start wondering if they ever cared about u at all.da problem wth lettng these loved ones go is dat there is always a hope dat they wil change and be da person we used 2knw and the memories u have of them make it even harder and even when u try 2tnk of negative memories dat 2doesnt help at all becoz u love even their imperfections u jst simply mic everytng abwt them and u c that if they cud give u some closure it would realy be better yeah ey i understand where u cumng 4rm lets jst try 2tyk it day by day although they might always be in our hearts bt the pain wil lessen u not alone.

  • James

    The other thing to remember is that maybe she’s not worth it. Like my ex-best friend who knows I’m hurting and missing her and doesn’t have the manners or the heart to contact me and say “hey for ole time sake I just want you to know that I’m glad we were friends” maybe your lady isn’t worth crying over. Mine certainly isn’t. Why do either of us want or even need to know someone who can’t open up their heart and show a little compassion? The reason is they have hurt our pride and our dignity, that’s why. We just need to let go and accept that not all things can be fixed. I wish you well.

  • James

    Man there’s nothing you can do about this. I’ve realised this myself. She probably looks at me the same way i.e. who is this weirdo? what happened to the confident guy I chased after? Now he’s desperate and chasing after me. I don’t want her back as a lover, I just want to square things off and get closure. I’m not pining for her, I’m just annoyed at how it turned out and how it could not be fixed in a nice civil way. When you share stuff with someone for so long and then they just cut you off it’s hard. The thing I have learnt about this is that people think in different ways. You are hurting and she doesn’t care. Like me who is trying just to accept that this is the way it is, I think you need to do the same and move on. Not easy I know…

  • James

    I’m married but I had a an affair with my best friend. She broke it off eventually although we both struggled to end it finally. I know I did wrong by cheating but it just happened and we trusted each other. Now my best friend makes no contact, does not respond to me at all in email or text, and I just want her to know that I am sorry if I have possibly hurt her by some of the follow up things I said when I tried to contact her. I miss her desperately as a friend, not as a lover, but the last few contacts were very strained with her threatening to block me etc. Why is it that we just can’t forget about what happened and make peace, just for old times sake? I feel deeply hurt by her attitude to me, as if I never existed. Every time I think I’m over this it comes back to me and I start feeling helpless. I just want to make peace and move on but she won’t let me. Given that she does not respond to me at all what else can I do now to get closure and move on?

  • heartbroken.

    im in the same situation i feel lyk ive been broken into a million pieces i try to mend our relationship bt it myks me luk desperate and im sure she thnks im crazy right now and it only makes things worse coz shes pullng further and further away frm me and that really hurts coz when i tnk of lettng go of her i feel lyk a part of me is dying everytym i try 2imagen my lyf without her i jst break into tears thnkng how am i gona do dat .i knw i made a mistake bt ive apologised so may times bt stil i cnt seem 2get through to her ,i hav even expressed my feelings so nakedly to her thnkng she’d understand bt it jst myks things worse and i hurt even more.i jst wntd 2b a part of her life bt no she wnt let me.nw i jst wnt to move on bt it seems so hard bcoz the more shez pulling away from me it seemz lyk shez pulling me 2her even more and the more i mic her i try to talk 2her to myk thngs better between us so atleast i cud be in her lyf and me2 id be able 2let go of her on my own term nt lyk dis coz it nt easy tellng my mind 2stop lvng her when my heart still does and it affecting me accademically coz im a student it lyk im going crazy myclf i cnt thnk straight everytime i c sumthng cute or little bby i cry coz it reminds me of her she liked bby7 and used2be so sweet bt nw i dnt knw wht werent wrng i feel so angry at myclf 4bieng so desperate for her im sure im a joke to her 4bieng so desperate i dnt knw wht to do coz i love her so much i cnt even get mad at her i really wnt 2 move on nw.

  • Caleb

    My girlfriend Angelica is the greatest thing/person in the history of history. And I want to die next to her. My life is Angelica. Ever since we first started going out. It was perfect. I am incomplete without her. She was my first true love and I KNOW she is my last. We hurt eachother a lot because was have some big egos. But I don’t know what comes ahold of me sometimes. When she leaves me. I feel who I truely am and how I truely want to be with her. If only I’d feel the pain all the time. That way i’d treat her good all the time. She’s the love of my life and she may not think she’s beautiful but she takes my breath away. I will die loving her and God knows that, that’s a promise I will never break. 7/4/11 Forever like we said. I don’t know if you meant it. But I did. And if you don’t ever come back. Just know that I never meant to hurt you. I really did care about you. I still do. I care too much I’d say. You drive me crazy you stupid little xD We always talked like that to eachother in playful ways sometimes. I love you Angie. Forever! I’ll marry you in my dreams! I hope you forgive I am shit without you. I will forever be alone without you. And no one and nothing will ever compare to you. I love you mi amor <3

  • i love my bestfriend

    it is just so hard to let go of someone..he is my bestfriend…i fell inlove with him but there are a lot of complicated situations around us that we need to break up..we tried being friends again but it just so hard for me to move on..pretend that we are friends again but deep in my heart i still love him..he is my only friend and letting him go kills me..but being with him only gets matters worst..i just wish letting go is the right decision for me..i treasure our friendship but im tired of heartaches too..

  • helplessbrother

    She is a great person. Always willing to help, always feels for other person, always ready to put other before self. Went through lots of pain recently because of breakup with a long marriage. We were close, probably one sided, were I was trying hard to keep her happy. Although not at blood relation, I always looked and cared for her as younger Sis. As a brother was trying to protect and help her get through this breakup that was horrible thing to happen. She perhaps never understood my care and concern for her. She started taking my suggestions in a wrong sense. One day all of sudden she told me that she needs a break from me. Break from a brother why? what was wrong that I did. My suggestion was not to rebound too quickly and heal first. I use to get very annoyed when she tried to get solace from quick rebound. All I wanted her was to grieve for a while, heal a bit, and then jump into new relationship. But perhaps it was not understood correctly, or our relationship was not strong enough that I could convince her. Now she is in my prayers everyday, and I hope that god helps her find the right way. She is extremely talented, and if she can wisely heal herself over next 5-6 months, there is nothing that she cannot achieve. Lv u sis, take care…..since you have decided to move on, I want to move on too…..will miss you….and Thanks for everything, and sorry for any mistakes that I might have committed or caused you pain. be happy…..

  • Laurie Post author

    Helping hand,

    Thank you so much for the help you’re offering! Letting go of someone you love is easier when you know you’re not alone, when someone like you is there to help.

    I posted your tips for letting go in an article on my Love & Relationships blog, because they were too good to get lost in the comments section!

    Here it is:

    How to Heal From an Email Break Up – A Man’s Perspective

    Would you like me to let you know if someone comments or asks a question on that article? Or, you could just swing by it every few days if you’d like.

    Also – I’m very sorry things didn’t work out with your wife. Letting go of love – and the dream of a happy, secure, long-term marriage – is one of the most painful things we can experience. It changes us forever, in both positive and negative ways.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Helping hand

    @ Shattered Soul

    In a way, there is another similarity. You mention that you were at fault for something and never did it again.

    You see, when my wife had the affair, I asked her to leave. I still loved her and asked her to come back. She tried to make it up to me and regain my trust, I couldn’t accept it fully. But now that she has left me, I see that it must have been very difficult for her as well when she was trying to regain my trust. She really put in a sincere effort and put her work on the back burner. The only problem is that it was very difficult for me to recover from what had happened. It’s not easy when you are cheated on, it takes a long time to recover and it can’t be patched up very quickly. By the way, I don’t know what you were at fault for and am not implying that you cheated on your wife.

    Ever since she left me, I have told her that it was a good idea she did. We needed a break. It gave me the chance to realize how much she tried to regain my trust. I never hear from her or get any emails (~8 months), so I don’t know if she’s continuing the affair, or just focusing on getting a major project finished. The project has been a huge burden on her.

    Shattered Soul, I think you may have been treated like how I, unfortunately, treated my wife. I may have played the “victim” at times even when I apologized to her. Thanks for posting, because it gives me some additional perspective into how my wife may have felt.

  • Helping hand

    Another thing. I know a married couple with kids that are still living together, but are “separated”. So you can try to arrange something like that if you want so that it is easier on your children. Sleep in separate bedrooms, have different schedules, etc. It might aggravate the problem though. But it is something to consider. He might find comfort in your support and continue in his ways, or it might be hard on the kids because of the tension. Just discuss the option.

    Definitely also discuss the option of just trying to work things out slowly without separation. Try to see if he is willing to slow down the decision making process, so that you both can carefully consider the options.

  • Helping hand

    @Ploughing Through

    I don’t know how much advice I can give, but I am certainly learning a bit from your situation. I’m still attached to my wife who had an affair, but am ever so slowly removing that attachment. It comes and goes, but deep inside I still want my wife again.

    Before I give you my suggestion, please know that I’m not a professional or anything. If you haven’t already, try going to counseling together. If that didn’t work, my advice, perhaps you should let him know that you also want some space from him, politely. In many relationships, there is a pusher and a puller, which is not necessarily a bad thing, and the roles switch during the relationship. Maybe you need to be the pusher this time, and get some space between the two of you. He may need to sort out his issues, and realize that he’s losing a loving, level headed and responsible person. When he realizes that (if he hasn’t already), he might clean up his act. Of course, it won’t happen overnight and it could take months, if not years.

    You might want to ask yourself, what is making you still want him? Does he complete you in specific aspects of your life where you are weak, be it emotional, mental, etc? Perhaps time apart would help each of you to strengthen yourselves in those areas independently, that way, if you two come back together, you aren’t leaning on each other harmfully.

    When I explained my situation to others, some of them told me to get out of the relationship, and that I was a fool to not have let my wife go earlier. Be cautious, because they don’t know the internals of the relationship. The two of you obviously got together initially because something worked back then, ask yourself what has changed and why. There are many external influences/pressures, be it alcohol, work, financial pressures, family, etc. Try figuring out how you could take a break from those stresses as well. I used to try and be a perfectionist, which can be very stressful, but it can really help when you learn to let go and learn to keep yourself happy.

    By the way, I also had a similar vacation issue where my wife didn’t consider how much it would hurt me that she was going with her friends to where we had gone for our honeymoon without me. We’re not alone.

    I wish you all the best. Take a time out, maybe watch a comedy movie with the kids, play a board game, anything that makes you happy. You have full control of the state of your mind, try to control the pain and switch your train of thought. Listen to some uplifting music and dance with the kids!

    You take care okay, and good luck tomorrow!

  • Plowing Through

    I don’t know why I’m posting. I really already know the answers to my own situation…I just am disabled by the pain of it. Tomorrow my husband I are meeting, I guess for him to tell me the marriage is over. we’ve been separated for 7 months with a lot of his avoidance/withdrawal, my chasing…and then finally, a couple months ago, some same page re-building. He said three weeks ago he was giving notice at his rental and coming home. We started sharing w/our family and two kids that we were trying to work things out. Well in the past 10 days, it’s all changed. He took our 10 year old on a week’s vacation vacation well out of state with another family, dear friends of ours. It was our family vacation for the summer but I bailed on it around Christmas when I learned of a second affair. In Jan. I asked my husband not to go on the trip, since it was our family vacation, we were trying to repair things, it was over July 4th and my birthday and it was unfair they go, when I lost my vacation days from work and could not get them back. My husband insisted they go, not wanting to disappoint the other family or our son. I was not as important a consideration, nor was reuniting the family, making a grand gesture. So when they returned, the day after my birthday, 10 days ago, we were barely speaking because I struggled w/being “left behind”. My husband is intolerant of these feelings and instead of reassuring me, trying to hear me on it, he said we can “never gain traction” and at this point, we just need to go our separate ways and be happy apart. My husband had an emotional affair 6-7 years ago from which we limped along afterwards. Then 18 mos. ago he entered a world-renowned out-patient treatment center, as he’s a high-functioning alcoholic. He’s always minimized the effect of that addiction on our marriage. I thought the alcohol was the magic button; if it was fixed, it would all be fixable. He also has conflict avoidance, some narcissism, OCD (mild now, severe as a child). During his treatment he & another patient began an emotional affair and culminated in a sex act. Her husband posted the information on my facebook page at Christmastime and what came afterwards was the revelation that he’s a sex addict, mainly on-line porn and such. I made him leave on 12/26. I’ve known it was an issue but not to the extent that it became. He is not interested in physical sex or a relationship, he wants sexting, no contact, no intimacy and certainly no love/connection. So we’ve been struggling through, up and down, back and forth. I was back to therapy, church group, on line partners of addicts support group, etc… dotted all my i’s and crossed my t’s. I’m actually much better off after doing that work and I’m a woman with her act pretty much together. I believe in my wedding vows and I knew he had issues when we married. I just thought I guess I could save him. I almost lost myself in 24 years of marriage. So now, with this last recent vacation debacle, things have hit the skids. He’s back to not returning texts, making promises about phone calls that don’t come, making promises about helping w/the administrative part of our family (I have the kids, am in the house…doing it all; he’s present/participates in no upkeep, bills/money management, nothing). He wants to meet tomorrow and has alluded to just needing to make a move. I am having such a hard time of it, I can barely function the last 10 days. I cannot believe we were back together, he was moving back and I have a hard time w/the vacation I am left out on because of his affair. I cannot believe he has put me through this but more I cannot believe I let myself trust and love him again. And worst of all, I am practically begging him to not give up. Why? I’ve been the giver all these years, he’s the taker. I get pushed to my emotional breaking point when he totally ignores me and takes no responsibility. It’s affecting my kids, my emotional health. I need to let go but I don’t seem to be able to. I am a complete disaster inside. Immobilized by pain and fear. Any suggestions? Any calming tips for my meeting tomorrow a.m.? I feel like I’m on the verge of a complete breakdown. Help?

  • Shattered Soul

    @Helping Hand

    Reading your post, it sounds like we are very similar in character. At one point I allowed myself to get angry against my ex because that was her defense mechanism against me. That just isn’t my personality. I tried sometimes to get angry about things in the past to help me deal with it but it only last about a day if that long and I feel apologetic.

    I also seem to only remember the positives and seem to not think about the times I felt “unfairly treated” and blame myself. I was at fault for one thing definitely. I apologized and never did it again and that was almost two years ago. I seem to forget the things that my ex apologized for but she kept doing them over and over which negated the apologies and on top of that, blaming me for her actions. Despite that, I feel the same as you in that I would still be willing to try and work things out with her if she changed but the fact is she doesn’t see where she needs to.

    I should realize something that I told her after being together for a year which was no matter what I do, it won’t be enough and it won’t change how she acts. It will always be a one way street.

  • Lori

    I found email my husband sent to a few women. It must have been some type of online site where you meet women from another country (Latvia). They were telling him what a great guy he is, etc.I confronted him and he said they were like penpals and then added that they “weren’t real”. I told him they were very real people and so am I. After that I searched his name and the word “Latvia” and discovered a Facebook-type site with some posts from him greeting happy birthday to 3 women. None of these posts and email sounded overtly like an affair but it’s uncomfortable to me anwyay. I asked him if the emails stopped but he didn’t really say. Recently, over the last 2 years he’s been going away for longer periods of time. It started for a weekend then it became a week and half. He’s a musician and he says that he knows people in a bordering state that he plays with. In January he was away for what was supposed to be a week and he was gone for a total of 3 weeks. Also he was hard to get a hold of (he said bad cell service). He just did it again – supposedly going for 6 days gone for 2 weeks then he returned and went away again. The tough part is that I’m the breadwinner. He makes a few hundred dollars a month. We have a shared bank account. I don’t see his credit card bills only the total amount paid out. He rushed us into renewing passports last summer saying we could go on vacation. In January when he was away for 3 weeks I notice his passport was missing (he had it). He said he went up to Canada with his musician friends. I never saw his passport. Now he says its lost. I asked that he keep it with mine that’s when he said it was lost. I’m depressed to the point of developing health issues.

  • Kate

    Hi, helpinghand, your comments were amazing, my husband of 20 years left me this January telling me there was nothing between us anymore as he walked out the door not a word since, he is an alcoholic I thought he was having a breakdown, found out two months later he had moved in with a married woman who owned the pub he drank in,she left her husband and daughter, he has had no contact with our three children and no financial support, just like a loved up teenager going on holidays and weekends away. I have found the lies so hurtful, I am trying to be positive for our children, the house is happier without him, no more fear but I just cant figure out why and I cant get him out of my head. I dont want him back but boy does it hurt, some days better than others, this site is really good thanks

  • Helping hand

    Hi, I’m a guy that is also going through emotional struggles. I was in a relationship for 13 years, married for 5, and found out that my wife had been cheating on me after the first 2 years of marriage. I tried to make things work and have her stop. It happened again and I asked her to leave, but then tried to work things out with her.

    It’s been 8 months now since she left me after sending me just an email, but I’m finally starting to heal a bit. The first months were quite harsh, the constant loops of depression, blaming myself, etc.

    To be honest, I still want her back. I guess I’m still guilty of dwelling on all the positives of the relationship, but I’ve tried to force myself to remember the negatives. It helps occasionally, but I don’t find it a positive way to heal myself. I don’t like using anger in that way either. For those of you that are in a similar situation, it might help to remember the bad parts of the relationship and possible get angry, but use that anger effectively, like during exercise.

    By the way, someone commented that men are wired differently than women. I agree to a certain extent, but have to say that I hope it wasn’t intended that all men desire sex over love. Personally, there is no value in sex if there isn’t a solid relationship based on love first. Love holds much more value.

    Here are some things that helped me, even though I’m still suffering, and in no particular order:

    -Yes, read some self help books. I was never the type to do so, but it does help, so take the initiative and do it. Read some in a pleasant environment out of your house if you think you can control any tears that may result. I mention some of the books I have read below.

    -Occasionally remove yourself from the environment where you and your partner used to hang out most, such as the bedroom or living room. Perhaps stay with your friends, parents, or other family members. Do so in long durations, it will truly help.

    -Open up your most deepest feelings of pain with your friends/family even if you don’t think they are ready or willing to hear them. Sometimes, when they see how much pain you are suffering, they automatically realize that they need to support you rather than impose their opinions of you or your partner. It also helps them grow and mature their relationships.

    -Exercise! Do things that you enjoy, like hiking, biking, cycling or starting a new sport.

    -Take some time to just sit and meditate. I used to go out for late night runs, and sit out under a clear night sky, close my eyes, and just trust the world to not harm me. It’s quite rewarding!

    -Meet up with a lot of friends, old and new, even if they are of the opposite gender. I’m not advising that you immediately look for a new relationship; instead, meet people of the opposite gender to almost survey them and all the different personalities, lifestyles, and perspectives. It can really be a growing experience.

    -Help others. When you take the time to help others, it can be a very positive distraction and you’ll feel good about yourself. You can help a friend move apartments, help at a religious group, food bank, or just be an ear to someone else in pain.

    -Re-evaluate your job. Perhaps it was the job that caused issues in your relationship, or it may have suppressed your confidence. Consider quitting, or taking a leave of absence. Remember, you only have a certain amount of time on this earth, and you are the only person that has full control of it!

    -If you have troubles with immediate family, try to sort it out during this time of separation. Bring it all out in the open. A good book to read is “Family Ties that Bind” by Dr. Ronald Richardson. Another book that might help, is “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho.

    -Remember the Serenity Prayer:

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time;
    Enjoying one moment at a time;
    Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    Taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    Trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    That I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    Forever in the next.
    –Reinhold Niebuhr

    -Make sure you know that the healing process is a slow one that you can only do it at your own pace. The first months will be very intense, but don’t ever give up. Don’t think that it is taking too long, take your time and don’t let people push you in to doing things that don’t jive with your inner self. At the same time though, be open to new things if they pose no harm.

    -If you can’t sleep at night, something a very good friend told me to do was, “Let God take over the night shift”

    I hope you all well in the future and that the universe rewards us all with lessons of growth and happiness.

  • Misunderstood

    I’m a guy who’s had a traumatic upbringing left now in my mid 20’s with no family & little friends.

    6 years ago I had a relationship with a woman who herself had traumas growing up.

    The relationship ended, for a year I tried re kindling the relationship, emailing, texting and calling etc. almost obsessively… When I made the decision to move on I did, she then came back to me a couple of times but I kept on moving on. Then a prior ex came back into my life which I let go stupidly due to liking someone else who I didn’t know with someone else liking me.

    Years on I like someone new, tried asking her out for a coffee, (she said maybe) Then a week later I kinda cancelled as she said she was busy for a few more weeks.

    I thought, I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes with this one as the lady years before so I made a choice not to email her and try and talk to her around others…

    I think she is smart, funny, great looking but I lost my confidence… socially I have nothing & unintentionally I burned out, trying to get to know her, whilst at same time chatting to others…

    It’s got to a point now where I really like her, I don’t think she knows I like her, publicly I have embarrassed myself around her trying to get to know her & me realizing that I have little confidence socially anyway, being open about my thoughts and feelings to anyone who asks…

    I sense that she is leaving & everything I have tried has been more to annoy than anything else…

    Am I a disaster who’s destined to be single forever, never being able to get to know someone or be an encouragement?

  • Shattered Soul

    @Janice

    Don’t think you did anything wrong for expressing your desire to be with him. Believe me, if he wanted to be with you then he would express it in the same manner.

    Don’t say that if you were your ex that you wouldn’t want to be with you either. The truth is that you wouldn’t have to work as hard as you did to try and be with him. This is coming from a guy’s point of view. You did all you could do.

    I went through the times where I was pushed very early in my previous relationship. I had already been hurt but I did as much as I could or my heart would allow. My feelings weren’t ever as important as my ex’s and whatever I felt was an argument because it made her accountable but her feelings were feelings that I were neglecting in some way or another and it was always my fault. Even when there was a sorry from her, it was more of the “victim” than sincerity and I always walked away feeling the same before the I tried to express my feelings. I always felt as if it was something I did even when I knew it wasn’t but I didn’t want to argue so I tried to deal with it. No matter what, even when she said sorry, I was still somehow at fault. It is as simple as if he wanted to be with you then your efforts would have been recognized. Anything else is simply a game. If someone wants to be with you then there is no such thing as pushing them away. Anyone who says that is someone who isn’t sure about who they want to be with. They have other options that they are entertaining and don’t have to face the reality of their own actions for making you feel how you do and it is easier for them to go elsewhere and not face it than to own up or “man up” and hold themselves accountable. There will be a guy who appreciates that you “fight” to be with them and will not make you feel wrong for expressing your feelings and will allow you to do so just as they do and there isn’t an argument that occurs from it.

  • Janice

    @ Banana Bread: Your ex sounds just like mine. Completely enraptured with himself and his fancy lifestyle. But inside, he is a ball of insecurity and has to wash his brain with alcohol to make himself feel better. He gets wasted every single weekend without a failure. Also keeps in touch with his ex-girlfriends as fall-back options. Since he thinks I am not as useful as I used to be and won’t be like his ex-girlfriends, welcoming him whenever he comes back for a dinner and sex, he decided to simply stop talking to me and disconnect me.

    My story is not much more different than any other people’s here. Emotionally abusive boyfriend, continuous manipulation and vicious cycles of being used then reconciled with sweet words and so-called self-repent. Throughout the whole vicious cycle, which went on for a year, I did everything that I am told not to do. I chased, tried to convince, begged and never addressed the real problem for the fear that he would leave me again and cut me out of his life. And I told myself that I did all those because I loved him but maybe I just couldn’t accept getting dumped or being alone or simply let go. And I am also not certain that if I should regret the things I did. Somehow I feel like it is okay to chase in a sense that you want to figure out what’s wrong in your relationship and try to resolve the matter. Whichever way is more like you should be the right way.

    About a month ago, I realized that if I were my ex, I wouldn’t want me back. My energy was so concentrated on him that I forgot who I was. I was letting myself go. Neglecting my friends, neglecting my job, and neglecting myself. So I started to turn my focus away from him. I joined the gym and did things that forced me to stop thinking. And that felt good. It was like giving myself a big break in the middle of extraordinary labor. And I realized how nice it feels to stop thinking about him. Obviously, it is difficult and I have to physically divert myself to do so. Btw, I kept thinking about him more and more when I was in zen mode like getting a massage or a day spa. I am still very much wobbly but I hope my slow start will surely get me out of this. As Sam said, we all gotta LIVE.

  • beentheredonethat

    sam if your here i need inspiration ive been healing and doing so strong i have joined a dating site trying to move past this heartache.to my surprise i get a call from a strange number and its the ex 1month 1week n 3days later y does this guy feel the need to tell me he thinks of me everyday loves n misses me i feel so weak cuz these words i have been praying and longing for but today my heart feels numb i want so bad to be over him n move on to some1better but now im set back bcuz i allowed the lines of communication despite it all the guy never 1time apologized bcuz to him he did absolutely nothing wrong typical scorpio male do i remain friends so i dont be sad do i cut ties n go back to pain cuz more than ever i want it back the way it use to be but he betrayed me i am not a doormat some1 u can hurt then come back when its convenient for u no way my brain says 1thing but my heart says something else hhhheeeeellppp i absolutely hte my heart it leads me n the wrong direction always

  • lo

    I AM IN MY SIXTIES AND CAN’T BELIEVE, I PUT UP AND A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MAN FOR 1 1/2 YEARS FOR FEAR OF NOBODY ELSE WOULD WANT ME DUE TO MY AGE AND DIDN’T WANT TO GET OLD ALONE, EVERY FEW MONTHS HE WOULD GIVE ME THE SILENT TREATMENT, I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE CALLING FIRST, HE NEVER APOLOGIZED (SORRY ISN’T IN HIS VOLCABULARY), HE PUT HIS JOB FIRST, HIS ADULT ALCOHOLIC SON THAT STILL LIVED WITH HIM BEFORE ME (WHO WILL NEVER MOVE OUT), I HAD SO MUCH ANGER INSIDE OF ME FOR ACCEPTING THIS BEHAVIOR AND NO SELF CONFIDENCE LEFT, RECENTLY WE WERE IN A RESTAURANT AND THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE EXPLODED LIKE A VOLCANO IN PUBLIC, HE YELLED ALL SORTS OF THINGS HE HATED ABOUT ME IN PUBLIC, THEN ON THE DRIVE HOME HE HAD ROAD RAGE, STILL GIVING ME THE SILENT TREATMENT, WHEN I WAS SAFELY IN MY DRIVEWAY, I TOLD HIM HE WASN’T A MAN AND NEVER WOULD BE AND I FELT FREE, MY HEALTH HAS IMPROVED.

  • Shattered Soul

    There is also BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I believe my ex was more of this nature. She was very kind and giving but would switch into another mode of extreme hatred at any given moment. If you look up BPD in women specifically it will tell you more about it. The symptoms are different in men and women.

  • banana bread

    @Amy : If you see this, I want to thank you for your post on NPD. You saved my life. Ex fits the description 100%, it’s actually scary and puts everything into a completely new perspective. Executive at a big company, only wants the best most expensive things, can’t take ANY criticism, surrounds himself with friends for attention to the point where he’s never alone and drinks alcohol like its water, outwardly very confident but insecure and afraid of damaged pride, long history of bad relationships, loves it when people do services for him, avoided any and all “serious” talks with me when things got complicated (turns out he was still spending a lot of evenings with his ex behind my back saying it was totally innocent, but not fair to either of us bc she isn’t over him), and he put the blame on me saying I was stressing him out, when I’m seriously such a loving caring patient person… at which point he disappeared completely and didn’t even return my 1 phonecall I gave him 2 weeks later. Yeah. He had zero empathy for my hurt feelings, didn’t apologize. When I was no longer useful (and I think he knew deep down he’d been wrong) he avoided me. I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong and felt so awful bc I really cared about him, but now I see it wasn’t me at all. Today is the first day I feel like I’m finally starting to move on. Thank you *hugs*

  • Samantha

    @Shattered Heart: There is a disturbing aspect to human nature I’ve discovered … the more a person takes abuse from another, the more likely the abuser will keep pushing the envelope and giving more abuse. A sadistic side of human beings.

    Your husband seems to have checked-out of your marriage, even if he still “physically’ is there. He will continue to “have his cake and eat it too” – meaning he can have another relationship with whomever he pleases — because you accept it. You may not accept it in your heart, but you accept his behavior. You haven’t left him.

    I say these things not to be harsh, but to help with realism. I understand you are pregnant, I do… it’s not an enviable position to be in going it alone, I know. But the truth is a child, a pregnancy, financial obligations cannot “force” a person to love or respect you. Those circumstances can force them to stay, by necessity or obligation, but it has nothing to do with where the person’s loyalties or love lies.

    Take care of yourself. Try and stay healthy and do the best for your unborn child. Stop visualizing your husband with this other woman, it will accomplish nothing but to give you agony.

    Unfortunately I don’t have an answer for you except to wish you well and to suggest that you try and release the anger. Anger is like poison in our system, it doesn’t hurt the person we are angry with, it only hurts ourselves. Best of luck.

  • shattered heart

    i have been married 16 yrs. my husand decided to fail our marriage and cheat with an old high school fried of mine. I found out of trips and many more encounters with her. he told me he loved her and he could not lrt her go. i was in a zone og distraught . i have been suffering with this pain for 8 months now. he never left me or our 15 yr old daughter,but continued his relationship with the whore. we found out we were pregnant and he seemed to change, but i still found out he continued to communicate with her. why with all i know and now 5 months preggo cant i let go? he verbally abuses me by saying how i am just araid to go out into the world on my own etc………. i constantly visualize them in their hotel room, trips, and other encounters,and i cant seem to live, find happines or move on!!!!!!! i am beyond angry !

  • Samantha

    You must change your thinking that you’re not complete without a man. Whenever a woman thinks that way, she is guaranteed to attract nothing but men who will either abuse or leave her. YOU ARE COMPLETE — ALONE AND AS YOU ARE. That’s the irony of life … when you can say to yourself “I don’t care whether I’m alone for the rest of my life” … then love WILL FIND YOU. Don’t misunderstand, no one wants to be alone for the rest of their lives, its just that you must feel complete by yourself first, it’s a spiritual law, then a decent, loving person can be drawn to you.

    Stop checking your exes FB page, it’s futile. Stop torturing yourself. And remember something else … whenever you see other couples together looking so happy, you never know what’s really going on in life. What’s underneath the veneer of a relationship isn’t always what it seems on the surface, trust me. NO ONE is completely happy. NO ONE. Yes, there are some people that are happy together, but that’s because they took the time to find the right person for them. Unfortunately, most people are so freaked out and afraid of being alone, that they settle for anyone who comes into their life. They’ll have good sex and all of a sudden they think it’s a relationship – it’s not. I’ve said this a million times… good sex is great, but never confuse it for a relationship. You can have love and good sex, that’s fantastic, but just because you’re having sex with someone DOESN’T mean they are committed to you, or love you. Men are wired very differently than women.

    Remember, start being good to yourself tomorrow. Stop worrying about whether your exes life is better than yours, or other people are happy, and concentrate on YOURSELF and your son. Create a better life, and don’t stay as a victim. You can do it.

  • been there done that

    Thank u sam I will try my best but its like I’m being torchered I see all these couples together shopping driving peoplei know still together men not leaving there women n I’m all alone its so bad I can’t sleep at night I take 2sleeping pills a night bcuz I don’t wanna be up to think thing that hurrts is I have a 3year old not by my ex but he pretent to love my son so much n was so great with him my son asked for him for about 2weeks straight he hasn’t even called to see how he was I really want him to suffer this is not right y did I even let him enter my life ifeel like such alooser not only has he broken my heart but my childs too I would move heaven n earth to wake up n not care I pray n pray n pray and nothing I even ask for a new love anything to heal anything first I wanted him back n don’t know why I’m over that I jus don’t get how he’s good to go n I’m hurting so bad I want this to end I’m not myself I don’t answer for my friends I check his fb page n get sick when he has new women friends I feel sick I need it to stopits like killing me I will never let this happen again I wanted ll his relationships to fail so he cud appreciate me but nothing no message no word nothing but pain pain pain I will try my best that’s all I can do thank u(tears)

  • Samantha

    @Been there: You’re just in a very dark place right now, but I promise you, if you truly hear, you will move one. To recap what I’ve said to a few others, and not to be harsh, but to help:

    1) Life isn’t fair. Once you can understand that concept that for whatever reason, it’s simply not “fair” it will free you up to live in a much better way.

    2) Your ex BF will not call or apologize. Sorry, don’t mean to sound harsh, but I want to see you move on and feel better. He’s off living his life, and has moved on. Please do not cry too many more tears for him. He’s not worth it, trust me. If he were worth your tears, he would be with you now. The only people worth our tears are the ones who LOVES us back.

    3) I assure you God does not hate you. He loves you more than you can ever imagine. God gives us “free will” in life to choose people and situations. I’m sure He sits and watches like a caring parent, and wants us to proclaim the blessings He has for us. We have to first love ourselves. You have to trust me, I’m certain I’m older than you and I’m certain I’ve felt what you’re feeling but I got through it all.

    4) My parents didn’t particularly love me either. While they didn’t abuse me, they were very distant and indifferent to a lot of my suffering, as a child and as an adult. It’s hard … when you don’t have nurturing parents, it puts a dent in our heart and makes it harder for us to find “real” love because we’ve never really been given it. Trust me again — if you really say “I AM going to love myself, even if others don’t” I promise you things will shift. Promise.

    5) Tomorrow I want you to make a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to say good words to yourself and stop talking negatively. It will be hard at first, because our minds are trained a certain way and when we’re depressed it feels automatic, but you are giving the bad things in life too much power to grow larger through your words. When you start to think “oh I’m not loved” or “Oh, why am I always so hurt” wipe your mind like a windshield-wiper. Force it. Stop creating powerful negative thoughts.

    Beenthere, I promise you if you will stop playing the victim, if you will force yourself to let go of your ex, and only concentrate on YOU and how to make your life better — IT WILL. Go to the library, read comforting self-help books. Go get “Louise Hay – You Can Heal Your Life”! Practice it. Every morning before you get up, take 5 minutes in your bed to “visualize” … no matter how you are feeling, see in your minds eye a happier you, see yourself with a new love, in a new home (if you need one) and just start to feel happier. Try and remember what “happiness” feels like and feel it. 5 minutes every morning. Promise me! Now, go do something nice for yourself and remember — God loves you!

  • been there done that

    Thank u samantha your last comment gave me a reality check although I cried u were absolutely right I’ve been crying being angry even mad at god its like I can’t move on I ended it bcuz he was disrespecting me ignoring me n. At first I had strength now I’m weak I can’t call but I wait 4 him to change n apologize its been 5 weeks n nothing he won’t even call to see how I m doing nothing I have to let go but its hard cuz I haven’t met any1 yet I feel like I never am meanwhile he’s most likely happy n his love life it hurts n its not fair I’m a good person this stuff always happens to me all the time I’m lef to suffer they move on I have so many scarsn wounds on my heart u woudnt believe I feel like god hates me like I’m a nobody my parents never even loved me sometimes I feel like I don’t wanna live

  • Samantha

    @Scott: Let me add a few thoughts about moving on. First, let me say I don’t know a lot about “Asperger’s Syndrome” so I’m not qualified to direct your or comment on what you experience. I hope that you do have a qualified MD that can help you work through some of the challenges.

    Generally speaking – and this applies to all people – if you wait for others to act the way you want, or validate what you may be feeling, you’ll be waiting forever. Life RARELY works that way and all you will wind up accomplishes is frustrating yourself, making yourself angry and allowing the time to slip away in your life. Like bashing your head against a concrete wall, it will accomplish nothing and will not – repeat not – cause the other person to react as you’d want.

    Example: After spending many years of commitment, fidelity and loving my ex-husband, he decided to snort cocaine, abandon all marital vows, and just generally treat me in a despicable and emotionally abusive way. At first, I was horrified and despondent, I couldn’t quite understand why on earth someone who had once loved me would ever treat me as he was and abandon me. I cried, I screamed, I wound up doing things I was ashamed of – you name it, I tried desperately to turn the situation around. No deal.

    I was in my 30’s at the time. He moved on. Simply moved on. Was I angry? You betcha. Did I want vengeance, did I want him to apologize, did I want him to FEEL what I felt? You bet. But, here I was, angry and alone and curled up in a fetal position crying about what was done to me, how unfair life was, all while he moved on, remarried, and went on with his life.

    I, like everyone else on this board, had a choice … I could either throw my life away on a guy who would NEVER apologize, NEVER really care what he did, and sit and wallow in my sorrow OR I could simply move on myself. That’s what I did. I allowed myself to mourn, of course, then I became the best person I could, physically and mentally. Life got better. I got better. New loves came into my life. My ex is now history, as he should be. He doesn’t own my life, I do.

    People who are suffering from a lost love, remember … this isn’t a dress rehearsal, it’s YOUR LIFE. Either you can spend it trying to change the past, which is impossible, or move on to a better future. Chances are your ex-love is doing exactly that, not caring one way or another that you are still suffering. Stop wasting your energy on someone who clearly doesn’t want it or deserve it. Live.

  • Shattered Soul

    @Scott,

    I feel the same way. It is almost as it meant nothing to them except for when they wanted it to mean something to them. I truly am at the point of almost giving up. She is 28 so she is still very young and has a lot of time ahead. I’m 36 and feel like I am at the end of my time. I don’t have a lot to look forward to it seems and I just want to give up some how.

    That particular sermon is from this past Sunday. I have been on a major downside and I didn’t get up and go but I conjured up enough energy turn on the computer and watch it online. I wish I had of gotten up and gone that day so I could have been right there. You may want to skip to about half-way down the time bar to get past the singing and offering call and right into the sermon. It is pretty much keeping me going but i’m on a thread right now praying that it stays strong enough until the rest of the broken heart can heal. If that thread doesn’t hold then i’m not sure what is going to happen.

  • Scott

    But how do I stop bothering them? I really really freak out sometimes and lash out and basically harrass them and I need to stop now. If I feel someone has wronged me or isn’t mourning the relationship and is rebounding right away I get incredibly angry. Never enough to hurt anyone physically but I feel I have to let them know I’m angry. What should I do? I have aspergers so empathy is already tough for me but when I’m angry on top of it I have no hope of being understanding or rational for a while.

  • Samantha

    @ShatteredSoul: The short answer to your question is “no” … that’s not a reason to stay and accept whatever abuse is prevalent.

    I don’t profess to have all the answers but I’ve lived long enough and counseled enough people to know this: Abuse – verbal and/or physical, should never be tolerated. Period. There is a distinct difference between working through challenges in a relationship – points of view clash, people go through periods of difficult behavior – and ABUSE. Most people know that physical abuse is never right and acceptable, but few understand the consequences of verbal abuse on your self-esteem and your soul.

    If you are with an abusive partner, it’s rarely about the partner him/herself. In other words, there are underlying fears, issues of low self-esteem, unworthiness that allow a person to stay with such a partner. Financial fears, fears that they will be alone forever, etc. — whatever they are, they are a person’s own fears. If you can eradicate and identify these fears, and learn to love yourself in a healthier way, you won’t stay with an abusive partner.

    As far as undesirable aspects of ourselves — here’s the truth: We ALL have our baggage. We all have things about our physical bodies, our health, our habits that may be negative to some, HUMAN to others. Pick out a person in this world who doesn’t have a bad habit, an aspect of their personality that is less than perfect, a wart, a blemish, a scar, a past that is less than perfect — and I’ll show you an alien from another planet. It simply doesn’t exist. Finding someone who accepts us for who WE ARE can be a challenge, but it’s an integral part of finding the RIGHT partner. If you are in a relationship where you must hide something, or behave like someone you are not, you will exhaust yourself and go crazy. It’s really as simple as that.

    Shattered — move on. I wouldn’t stay with this woman. If I were you – and I have been in very similar circumstances – I would break away for good, and take the amount of time necessary to be alone and work on myself, my life. Learn to accept whatever you need to accept about yourself. Don’t dwell on what’s “negative” or problematic, but on what’s positive. When you accentuate what is positive about yourself, become a person other’s like to be around, whatever “flaws” you may have will take a backseat and will be accepted, by the right partner.

  • Shattered Soul

    @Samantha:

    She did except me for what I had to tell her but my thoughts and confusion are, is that a reason for me to stay with them and take the verbal abuse and unfair treatment? That goes for anyone. Because she said she would be okay with it, does that mean I should continue to put myself through what I was going through?

  • Amy

    I don’t feel there is enough awareness about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The reason why is because, although there are different levels of narcissim, I believe most narcs hide their traits to the majority of people while selecting specific type of people to satisfy their selfish needs. To me, these are: easily impressionable, trusting, kind hearted, selfless, drama free, uncomfortable being in the spot light, people who can make them look good and appear ‘normal’. At first, victims don’t realize they are being manipulated and emotionally abused and are often left feeling bewildered. If people take time to study the traits of a narcissist, they’d realize victims have been charmed to the point of falling in love with them in the beginning and so try hard to make it work when their narcs reveal their true ugly side. This is why it’s so hard to just ‘get over them’. I made all kinds of excuses for my ex narc. I believed and accepted his family’s excuse, “Oh, that’s just the way he is.” bs. Like other victims, I always fell for false hope because he would always say or do something to convince me things would get better. Only, it never did (never will). It’s their way of keeping us around until they are done with us.

    I’m not saying people with relationship issues have NPD. It takes a professional therapist to make that diagnoses. Ever try to convince a narc to seek therapy? Good luck!! Last thing they ever want to hear is that anything is their fault. (Go and accuse one of something being their fault and see the reaction you get!). This is why they often go undiagnosed.

  • Samantha

    @Shattered Soul: I’m going to just add a few of my thoughts that might help, and please understand nothing is meant to be judgmental. Sometimes when we share with each other, we help each other with our respective situations.

    1) Accept that life is not fair. Period. I say that not to be sarcastic or glib, its something that I had to learn the hard way and accept. It simply isn’t fair and will never be fair. Horrible people will go about getting away with this and that, while wonderful people will experience things which seem incredibly unjust. Why? Who knows, I didn’t create the universe, I just live in the world. Once you can accept that “fairness” is not always the path in life, it makes it so much easier to move forward. It forces us to stop dwelling on “unfairness” and hoping things will change, and helps to accept that we’ll go ahead trying to make what can be “fair” in our lives a reality.

    2) While you are home being heartbroken, your ex is going about, living her life and most likely enjoying it. If she has told you she wants out and closure, believe her. Often exes, will unfairly, go back to a former spouse to have sex, but it doesn’t mean they want to get emotionally involved. Sex can be just sex. While it’s not always the nicest thing to do to a person who may be hoping for a reconciliation, people feel if it’s there for the taking, why not.

    3) As far as sharing personal medical information with a new partner, take a deep breath, get to know someone well first, and be mature. I have many friends who have had to share intimate information with boyfriends/girlfriends while on the path to seriously dating from telling their partner they have genital herpes to other diseases. If you meet a quality person, a person who actually likes you for who you are, and is intelligent, chances are they will process the information and move ahead with a relationship with you. Often, people who just want to have a casual relationship and don’t want to have a long-term relationship, will bolt. They don’t want anything that could potentially hurt them, then just their needs met. So, in the long run, sharing information with a potential partner can help intimacy, providing the relationship has a friendship already established.

    Good luck to you. I hope you heal soon. Remember, it’s your life, don’t whittle away your days while others have moved on.

  • Samantha

    I think too many people use the term “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” too loosely, it’s not always the cause and case. Some times, the husband (or wife) simply isn’t in love with their spouse any longer. Many times, the relationship wasn’t based on “love” but based on “lust,” the physical passion was there in the beginning but the truer qualities, such as caring, support, and decency were not. Women tend to overlook this in the beginning of a relationship and think, erroneously, just because a man is jumping all over them and wanting physical relations, they must be “in love.” Wrong. Hey, the sex is great, but if a guy is not exhibiting solid, faithful traits such as loyalty and compassion while he’s having sex with you, forget that he’s going to change afterward. He won’t.

    Also, while I believe in the sanctity of marriage and think too many people view marriage as disposable, I also think too many women rest on the laurels of “unconditional love” as a way of becoming an unbearable partner, someone with whom the man simply doesn’t want to be with any longer. I’ve watched women gain a lot of weight then scream “why isn’t my husband attracted to me any longer, he’s supposed to love me unconditionally!” Well, maybe he would care about you, but it doesn’t mean he should be forced to feel attraction. Other times I’ve watched as women become screaming shrews, nitpicking and nagging their spouses to death then wonder … “hey! where’s my unconditional love.” Marital relationships, since we are human, are not based on “unconditional love” – the truth is they are based on “conditional love” i.e. meaning there are conditions within the marriage that partners vow to uphold. The only unconditional love I’ve ever witnessed is between a parent and their child, or a dog and it’s master.

  • Shattered Soul

    I don’t understand it. I wasn’t perfect but I was trying very hard to deal with things. Everything I ever did wrong was told but nobody ever knew what she did wrong because it wasn’t told. I was the bad guy all the time. To this day, the people on her side who judge me don’t know anything that she ever did from the texting, to bringing the father of her child home one day after she initiated a split.

    It isn’t fair that she is able to go on with her life acting as if nothing happened and it all be on me. All the while having a great time and doing all these things while i’m at home heartbroken. I have every reason to be upset but I can’t make myself get upset. Why come over and bring your son to see me, talk about spending time together, etc and then say you are done and to let go without explaining why?

    The biggest deal is that my life is different now learning about my medical condition and it didn’t exist before her, at least I didn’t know about it, but she was the first person and situation that I had to deal with talking about it and she was okay with it, now I have to go through that again with someone and I don’t know if I can. I think more than losing her it is that I might not be able to meet anyone else. It all isn’t fair!!

  • Shattered Soul

    I think my ex was more of a BPD. I read some information on the difference. My ex was very giving in helping financially which they say is a trait of BPD. The only problem is outside of that, it was like I had nothing. I wasn’t happy but at the same time I was. I guess it was because I thought one day we would be okay. I thought if we could just make it to marriage, all of the problems would disappear. It was just yesterday that I thought about “What if we were to get married and then she tells me she shouldn’t have married me?” That is something that could very well come from her. I look back and anytime we split, it was always via text. Even if I was right there talking to her, she would always wait until I left and send a text so she wouldn’t have to face the situation. I’m still struggling with it. Honestly, I found out that I fell victim to a medical condition that I was unaware of. I told her and she accepted it. Now we are not together and I don’t want to go through that conversation with anyone else again. I feel it is all my fault because she was willing to work through it but then the last argument we had, she through it in my face and refused to apologize knowing it was very personal. Despite me apologizing for my part in the argument we were having. That was pretty much the beginning of the end of it. I ask myself all the time, did I lose the one for me because she was going to accept me but at the same time just because of the situation, did that mean I was supposed to take the treatment I was taking?

  • Jessica

    I married a man with NPD! I met my husband 6 years ago and we both fell completely head over heels in love with each other. He and I seemed to begin to butt heads quite early in our relationship but I thought it was because we were just too much a like. Fast forward several years and now there are screaming matches, physical fights and sooooo much resentment and bitterness. I realize now, I was dealing with a man that had to control and manipulate everything about our marriage. The man didn’t know how to truly love me…(maybe this was the reason he was obsessed with sex with me an why he could never keep his hands or lips off me!) He knew lust! He didn’t understand what it meant to connect emotionally and spiritually with your spouse. Time after time after time I begged for a change, a more family man and a more romantic husband…that man never showed up. After my daughter was born in August 2010, I experienced horrible postpartum depression(which instill recovering from nearly 2 years later.) I would alway hear, you’re just not the woman I married anymore! It was then that I realized, this man can’t understand what unconditional love is! I would have gone anywhere an through anything for my husband…I meant my vows. I found out 2 months ago, my husband cheated on me(at least this is the only time I know of.) And it all of a sudden became “my fault!” His NPD would tell me that the way I treated him made it easier for him to cheat on me!!! Well the way I treated him with resentment an disrespect rooted from anger of never seeing him fulfill his promises that he would change! And how am I supposed to change and econe the woman I used to be when I am married to a man that doesn’t support me in my darkest of days??? It was all my fault according to him! And for a while, you know, I actually believed it until I started researching his behaviors and discovered what NPD was. My husband is a habitual liar, a manipulator and craaaaaves the attention of others! Although I realize I can not change him, there’s still that little part of me that thinks there’s still time to change him (we’ve only been seperated for 2 months) but then I wake up and focus on all the negative and how if change never came before, certainly it won’t now. It will never come until that person reaches their breaking point and realizes they’re a JOKE and make every effort to seek help. I have now filed for divorce because although I attempted to save my marriage after infidelity, my husband just wanted out. He claimed he was a person with many problems an he couldn’t continue to put me through any more agony (which even though this is true, it’s still his way of manipulation trying to “woo” me back in. He’s playing the sympathy card!) Walking away hurts but those with NPD are very scary individuals. There are too many unknowns with this disorder and too many reasons for why you don’t have to stay in a relationship like this and live a life of a lie right by their side!!!!

  • Amy

    @Shattered Soul
    I feel ya. Secrets, lies, and disrespecting one another isn’t healthy – no matter how much you feel you love each other. You both have to be completely honest with each other and come clean about issues. If not, you will always scrutinize and have trust issues. Good luck and don’t be too hard on yourself. We’re all human and make mistakes but it doesn’t mean we have to pay for them the rest of our lives. Forgiveness is powerful – but if you notice a pattern with her behavior – don’t rule out NPD. Believe me, I was in denial for years and years before I came to terms that my man had it. It’s was so hard because I loved him. But he made my life hell with his up and down attitude. I regret ever knowing him. Yeah… It was bad.

  • Shattered Soul

    She definitely seems to have something along the lines of that disorder but I feel like I can’t judge her for anything because I hadn’t told her my issues and that is just like hiding things. Amy I think I missed what I was looking for and I think it is more along the lines of I didn’t do what I was supposed to do despite her deal because i had my own deal too.

  • Shattered Soul

    @Amy-I don’t want to come across at the only one who went through anything. I can tell you more specifics.

    We met at a store and on day two we had a deal that was a forecast of what was to come in the future. We were up late talking and she said she didn’t want to keep me up and I needed to get some sleep b/c i had to be up early. I agree but can’t sleep and call her back. We talk more and then she says she didn’t want to keep me up i should get some sleep and i agree this time going to sleep. I get numerous text and mabye a call over the next 45 minutes or so with the last text saying if you are up call me. I call her and we talk and I asked her if she didn’t want to keep me up then why did she keep texting. She is from Louisiana and was leaving the next day. We were supposed to see each other but when i called she was already in Louisiana saying she left because of what I said the night before.

    We don’t talk for a year and she calls out of nowhere. She says she will be in Texas with friends from out of state and her sister. We meet and long story short, we are about to go out and her friend comes and tells me she is married. Turns out that she was separated when i met her but didn’t tell me. She says the divorce is final and her friend didn’t know yet. She apologizes and we go out. We end up dating. I had issues of my own i hadn’t told her. She said when we first met she was moving to texas because she wanted to and assured me it wasn’t because she met me. She transfers jobs(Nurse-NIC) and moves to texas and we date for over two years. She is caught texting the ex-husband “thinking of you” and caught lying about it before proven. Caught texting another guy who was with them during the time we met again and went out up until i showed up and he ended up going home to his g/f. Saying she told her female friend who was friends with the guy she was lonely so her friend gave her his number to have someone to hang out with as a friend. He supposedly had a g/f. When caught texting she said here look at what he sent, but tried to hide messages by showing me one from another date and then said she deleted them. All the while she blamed me.

    There are more circumstances where if she expressed her feelings then it wasn’t a problem but anytime I said how i felt it was WWIII, many times ending with her saying it isn’t going to work, which is when she usually ended up texing someone. She had many signs of the disorder which i can’t go all into, this is long enough but I’m utterly confused because of the things she did for me such as help pay off a debt only a month after meeting again and talking to each other and then helping with my car when it broke down, all of which i repaid to her but still it was that she did that. We got into an extremely heated confrontation but stayed together through that. That is the point I regret happening the most but we stayed through it. Disrespecting each other like that isn’t necessary and it was my fault because I got tired of my feelings being turned against me. Then I had my issues i told her and that was turned against me but the major one she accepted me despite of which i don’t want to disclose. I’m utterly confused. She was a nurse who made a very good living, helped me when needed and didn’t mind it, stayed with me through my main issue, despite throwing it in my face leading to our departure. I know it sounds like it is on her too but it feels like it is on me. I just feel that way because she accepted everything and she acted like she did because of me and i lost out on someone good that would compliment me well because of my actions.

  • Amy

    @Shattered Soul. What I’m about to tell you is going to save your sanity. It sounds to me like you are a victim of woman with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I should know. That feeling where you say you feel you are at ‘fault’ is profound, because that is exactly how people with this disorder have their victims feeling. They lack empathy and are uncomfortable discussing true intimacy/feelings. This is why she shuts down when you bring it up. They are actually intimidated by and are afraid of what they don’t understand; feelings. When they no longer feel in control of the relationship, or feel pressured to truly ‘talk’, they may cheat and eventually dump you. There is so much more to understanding a narcissist. Google search all you can on this subject to understand why they do what they do. You’ll learn things like you were her ‘Secondary Supply’ and how she may have often used ‘Gaslighting’ to confuse and manipulate you. Above all, understand she would be this self-absorbed person whether she was with you or someone else. Eventually, who ever she’s with now, will experience the exact same bewildered feelings as you. And btw, don’t kid yourself if you think you can help or change her to get better either; no amount of love will change a person like this. You’ll only find your self frustrated and miserable. They WILL NOT change for ANYONE! It’s best to move on from someone like this. Oh, I know it’ll be hard because at times she’ll act sweet and normal like. She may even give you sob stories about whatever as to tug at your heart to feel sorry for her. Watch out!! These are ALL tactics they use to ‘hook’ you into doing what THEY want! Manipulation is what they are all about. Save yourself from further heartache by not falling for it anymore. (That’s how I stopped being a victim myself.)

    If you find your ex fits in the category of having Narcissistic Personality Disorder, please let us know on here. Good luck!

  • Shattered Soul

    Well, I don’t know what to do? My ex and I split in December officially. I don’t know why? I feel as if it were my fault because that is just how I am. I always try and find a way on my side to see where I could have been better, even though I know it was us both. Long story short, there was the break up and then out of nowhere she says she finally has closure and never to call her again. We had just been speaking to one another about a week earlier. I don’t know what happened. I was crushed and made a mistake of overcalling or trying too hard to get her to talk to me. I call her job to see if she is working so I can send flowers about a week after the breakup and they ask if I am some other guy which lets me know she wasn’t being honest somewhere along the way which wouldn’t be the first time. We don’t talk from December to February and then I call and she answers. We see each other and make love and talk about getting back together. In the meantime it turns out that she is actually talking to someone during the time she came to see me. We talk a few days and then she starts to judge me again for things she is actually doing herself. As much as I changed, she still treated me the same and once I mentioned it then it was WWIII. Boom and she says she is done again. This time she says she is going to try with this guy she was talking to and she might try with me if they don’t work. I didn’t like that much and I said something to her about it. Long story short we don’t speak on the phone anymore. Time passes to May and we talk again but end up speaking of FB which I don’t understand. End of the story, she comes to see me in May and brings her son. We see each other for a day, talk about going to the Rangers games, movies, etc. She says how much she thinks about me, ask what i’m doing that weekend and then nothing. Just totally ignores me. Then it is done again. I ask can we talk b/c if we don’t get back together I just need closure. I need answers but nothing. She says sorry, she have trusted her instincts and never come over and she is sorry. If I have changed, forgive her and let go. I tell her it would be much easier if we could talk which I wanted to do since November. I’m 36, single, no kids, never married but my time for kids is running out. I’m in a position I have never been in and don’t know what to do about it…

  • Dennis

    I have this pain also…It’s been a couple of months..and I am in a
    dark place right now…I hurt,tears stream down my cheeks…I wish to
    feel better…one day I hope we both get through this and learn to
    love and have love given back to us.

    Dennis

  • kP

    About a year ago I was in a relationship that apparently only mattered to me the guy I was with was one of the best looking guys around but didn’t seem to care a month into are relationship I met a guy I really fell for stuff was rough at first but I still agreed to date him he was the only person that I could rely on I broke up with my boyfriend to be w him now after 11 months he’s my ex just lastnight I found out he was messaging another female telling her to come over he begs me for forgiveness but am not sure this is clearly not the first time stuff like this happened I think its time to let go but its so hard I can’t even sleep

  • J

    I know how this feels. My boyfriend and I have been together for so long (6 and a half years) and ever since our first year, he is already telling me na I am already the one. Now, he is not so sure anymore. He is too confused and lost to answer all my questions. I have too many questions running on my mind right now. What went wrong? Why did he leave me? What was wrong with me? Was I not enough? This just happened a week ago and I am still in too much pain. I know this will take a long time but I wish with all my heart that I will get through this.

  • been there done that

    Levi,I kno exactly how u are feeling bcuz I feel the same way we feel this way bcuz we have a heart n I swear I wish sometimes I was heartless.we always want wats bad 4us its like an addictive sickness n it hurts bcuz we hate to see these cowards move on after all the cheating lies abuse we still care it takes 4ever to let go unless some angel from heaven comes down n puts someone great in our lives we are sad weak n vulnerable to go back and its unfair I thought being strong n letting go was the right thing to do instead I’m being torchered it won’t go away I have to take sleeping pills to sleep I’m awaiting his call or something to make me happy and there’s absolutely nothing I am in hell with you n this is what having a heart and trying to protect ourselves gets us more mysery it has to pass when the torture will end I don’t kno but remember you are not alone

  • Levi

    I am a gay man currently in the process of recovering from being a narcisstic supply to a very severe malignant personality disorder ex. Although I am seeing progress and experiencing the rollercoaster of ups and downs I am still having a hard time letting go of him. i know he was horrible to me ive loved one woman and one man and my first love was really positive so i know this time was not how it was suppose to be. ive finally gotten him to move on and i am finally getting some peace after changing my number over twenty times a restraining order along with damaged property but now im having the withdrawls like i crave the man i hoped he was even though i know its never going to happen how do i stop wanting something that is not real and stop having flashbacks everywhere i look that remind me of things hes done to me or people hes cheated on me with i cant move because all of my family lives here and i dont want to run away but its such a small community and even smaller gay community i feel like i am in hell at times

  • Matthew

    @Jenny..

    Im a good hearted and compassionate guy that is in love with a narcissistic woman…we had an excellent, beautiful and romantic relationship until things changed and it became just about her…her and her her her herrrrr…her problems, her life, her everything…well…little old me was just nothing apparently… the way we even broke up was selfish – she just abandoned over night quickly when i had to return to the uk to sort medical stuff and earn some money after moving and living in the middle east for 3 years for her and for us. man oh man, she just killed me and has ruined my hope to be able to trust anyone again… so…it happens to men too 🙁

  • KJ

    I posted here last month about the end of my 7 year relationship and how bad I was feeling because my ex just moved on so quickly. We broke up in March and he is already living with someone. I know how bad you must be feeling to have posted on this site in the first place so I thought I would come back and tell you that you WILL feel better. I am slowly healing and have actually met someone new and he is amazing! The weird part as it turns out is he is the guy that my ex’s new girlfriend left for MY ex! (Yes, we live a small town middle of nowhere… haha. Anyway, I wanted all of you to know that it does get easier with time and I am FINALLY happy! I wish you all the same!

  • been there done that

    Marie I know it hurts and usually when these men become different and distant its always another woman I’m willing to bet it won’t work out n she won’t compare to u.don’t ever. Beg or ask for another chance u seem weak and vulnerable and if he comes back he will cheat and wlk all over you I just left that life 2 weeks ago and I’m on my no contact tactic in the beggining I got calls n texts but now haven’t heard a word see gods put people in our life for a blessing or a lesson karma will get your ex u jus have to be patient n heal urself people can’t hurt the ones that love them n get a free ride in paradise he will need you oneday n by then I hope u find someone to love n appreciate u enough to neva want to part its gonna be rough I hurt everyday I want it to end but have no control have faith I’m here if u need n ear goodnite

  • been there done that

    Marie iknow how you feel and for some unknown reason we always want some1 more when we feelwe are threatened by another woman.for him to just become distant always is a sign of some1 else it never fails wit these men and no matter how strong we try to be and let go we are always more hurt than ever because we actually end up alone while there having a dam time of there lives..goodgirls always get grief karma will deal with him ihope u find some1 that appreciates u n treats u like u deserve n I’m 75 percent sure this other woman won’t compare to u wateva u do don’t beg for another chance cuz if he does return he will cheat n walk all over youi jus left that alone 2weeks ago andi started my no contact andim leaving it in gods hands jus pray occupy ur time n be patient god knos ur heart peope r put in our lives as a lesson or a blessing our blessings will never cause pain take care I’m here wen u need advice goodnite

  • Marie

    Hello girls, I guess my story is not any different from anyone here. I have lived with this guy for 5 years. I had dreams and expectations out of the relationship. At one point I saw myself getting older with him. A few months ago things started to change. he seemed distant and I became distant as well. We continued to be the couple everyone admired until this past weekend. We went out with a group of friends and while I was spending time with my girlfriend, he kissed (made out) another girl. My good friend happened to see the whole thing and thats where I am right now. I feel disappointed, disrespected but for some reason I can not let him go. I did talk to him and he express the necessity of us being apart from each other at least for a while until we BOTH realize what we really want and instead of me being upset I asked him to try to work things out. I am in such battle inside me, I know my worth but can not find the strenght to move on. I need advice please.

  • tejaswini

    no its not so easy to forget the loved one its hurt to the core when the loved one dont understand our care, feelings, and love towards them.
    they might never understand till they lose that person in life.

    its a good lesson to me, but thou i m not able to forget that person and not able to come out of that beautiful life.

    lastly i would like to say ” Expectations hurts a lot”

  • Laurie

    Hello Elizabeth,

    Thanks for your comment — I’ve deleted the details in the Facebook article, and changed your name, so there is no way to connect you to the article.

    I really appreciate you letting me know about this, because it’ll make me much more sensitive to answering readers’ comments in the future! I’ll change names and details, to protect people.

    Thanks again and take care,
    Laurie

  • Faith

    I lost the love of my life over 30 years ago. 1981. I turned 36 and he was killed in a car accident on my birthday. This man was the world to me-“the love of your life is the love that no one even compares to.Not previous loves,or future loves.The one who will be at the top of your list for the rest of your life. The one who ruins you for anyone else. All this is true. I married 5 years later to a really good man who was not even close to Joe-there was no comparison-but I never told him this. Married for 9 years and he died of a massive heart attack. I remember more things about Joe,whom I had known for 26 years,who had passed in 1981,14 before,than I remember about my husband. I think of Joe constantly and I miss him more than anyone else,and it only seems to get worse. Every am when i get up I think, “Another day without Joe”. When he died the little spark inside me also died. I knew immediately that life would never be the same and would be boring and dull, and I was right. I am 66 now and it has been something like 11,165 days since he passed. I talk to him all the time and I tell him how much I love him and miss him. There just is no end to this.

  • Patch Marrowl

    I met this guy in grade seven and we became friends. I am in grade 8 now and he asked me to go out with him and I did. We went out for a little over a month and it was very awkward. My friends were mean to both of us and he couldn’t stand it. He went on a band trip to Halifax and some guy told him to brake up with me and he did. A week later he said he was very sorry and regreted his decisions. He also said he loved me but I didnt say anything. I nev knew how I felt about him until now. I realized I loved him, that’s what makes it awkward I am the only person he trusts with stuff and he tell e about everything he even talks about girls with me. He always said he was sorry for dumping me but I hated it because that was all he ever said. Very day he tells me I am beautiful, extremely nice, smart, confident and such but he confuses me he always says I like thins person and so on. I asked him on a scale from 1-10 how mug he liked me he said 8.5 and I asked what about the girl he liked then and he said 9.5 I was really mad by this he said that he lived everything about the two of us and he said he wouldn’t change a his but y would he give me 1 point lower than her in makes no sence. Now I am here regretting not saying anything to him that night and I have no clue what to do, pls help me. This guy loves to talk to me but doesn’t seem to notice me anymore it’s like j don’t even exist an I feel helpless, I love him now and there is nothing I an do about it and I need help because this is rewening my life.

  • Jill

    I am trying hard to let go but it’s a huge struggle every day.

    I came to Australia when I was eleven years old, I am now 47. I came from Wales UK. When I was growing up I had two best friends a boy named Paul and a girl named Julie. I was heartbroken the day I left Wales and my friends.
    I was homesick for such a long time. At 22 I married and had three children but last year in January I left my husband, we were married for 23 years. In September last year I went back to Wales, this was my first visit home. I was so excited, I couldn’t wait to see my old house, my school, where I played, everything. The most important thing to me was to see Paul. I didn’t expect to see Julie as I didn’t know where she was. When I saw Paul I cried, he cried too, we just held each other, both couldn’t let go. He was my soul mate as a child and the connection was still there, after all these years it was still there. We spent a lot of time together, everyday actually. I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me. We spent three weeks together in Wales, a week in London and two days in Paris then I had to return to Australia. I was heartbroken at heathrow airport I didn’t want to leave him, I cried all the way home.
    Once home we messaged and video called everyday. I missed him so much. After a lot of thought and a few months apart I decided to move back to Wales to be with him. We planned everything. My children are at the age where they have their own lives and I was going to visit as often as I could. He also had children three adult children and two younger 9 and 7. He was separated from their mother but saw the children everyday. I packed up my stuff and sent it on a shipping container and left for Wales. I arrived on Valentine’s Day. He was perfect our relationship was amazing, we just fitted together so well. We spent the first two night together in a lovely motel it was wonderful, I loved him so much. We lived in the house he was building, it wasn’t finished but it was liveable. Paul got me to choose what i wanted in the house. I got on really well with his older children and with the younger two. Sadly the mother of the younger two didn’t like me being around, i had never met her, Paul wouldn’t let me. After two weeks she stopped Paul from seeing his children. The more days he didn’t see them the quieter he got. He came home one day after work and said he couldn’t see his children while I was with him, he said his children are number one and I was a close second he asked me to go home. i was devastated, I was heartbroken. He got me a ticket and I was gone the next day… Once I was gone his ex let him see his children. I gave up my home, my really good job, my friends, family and most importantly my children to be with him. He asked me to give it two years and if I couldn’t settle he would come to Australia to be with me. I arrived back in Australia on March 4. Since I came back he does not speak to me, my things are still in Wales and are waiting for the next available shipping container to Australia. I am heartbroken because we are meant to be together. Once I was back in Australia I found out I was pregnant but because of all the stress I miscarried at 10 weeks, so I am heartbroken, grieving and left with so many unanswered questions and a huge expense from shipping my things there then back and all my doctors bills, I only have what is in my suitcase. Everything I own is on the other side of the world. I don’t understand why this has happened, he not once told me he didn’t love me, everything was perfect. He had even thrown me a surprise party to introduce me to all his friends he had even found my friend Julie. I am a mess, he was in every childhood memory I ever had. I love him so much but its like as soon as I got in the car and left his house for the airport I don’t exist.
    He has shut me off completely, he wouldn’t even give me Julie’s number. I have it now. I still have family and friends in Wales and they have been searching for her they found her just over a week ago. I don’t know if he is regretting sending me back or whether he is ashamed of what he’s done or if he just doesn’t care. all i know is i feel like a big piece of my heart and soul is missing. i miss him so much. i don’t understand why his ex had to be so cruel. i am a good, honest, decent person and would never have hurt her children or taken her place. All I wanted was to be with the man I love. How do I say goodbye. How do I let go??? Am i ever going to stop crying?? It’s been three months and i still cry every day… He was a much loved family friend, his mother and my mother are life long friends. No one can understand why he did this. He always talked about how much he loved me and everything he did prior to sending me home was the actions of a man so much in love.

  • Rachel

    I googled letting go and this is what I came up with. I’m trying very hard to understand and accept the end of a beautiful relationship full of love and compassion. My boyfriend and I met last summer when I went to go visit some friends of mine on vacation. He was their friend and the story pretty much tells itself from there. I’m a college student in TX, he goes to school in his hometown in CA. A good friend of mine told me that long distance is only hard when someone becomes selfish. For many months, a great wave of kindness spread over us. We nurtured and cared for the little love that grew between us. Besides the fact that we are very compatible we have a unique tender way of acting with one another. No relationship nor friendship has ever made me feel so loved and heard. We got much closer during my christmas break and since then we’ve grown emotionally attached to each other on a level that requires too much spare time in our very busy schedules. In the spring, we began having petty arguments over hurt feelings and sensitive tantrums that left a bad taste in our mouths. This last month I went to visit him for his birthday and we had a lovely time. We spent many hours talking and laughing, surrounded by the people he loved. Our hearts grew closer that week and the pain of leaving one another hurt more than any other trip. I came home and a week of sadly missing each other brought us bittersweet comfort. Then one night we had an argument that left us both hurt and confused. We always ask each other how can two people that love each other fight so much. We thought it was because we didn’t understand each other, that the eight-hundred miles between us only let us understand a little at a time. He asked me for time and I obliged him, so we spent a week without talking to think alone. He called me last night to end the silence but sadly we came to two different conclusions. He said to leave me is because he loves me, that he no longer wants to hurt me anymore. I feel it’s merely a hurdle in the many trials of relationships, that as long as we both want to be there we will find a way to maintain our independence. I know he knows how I feel but I have not questioned his decision. He calls it the gift no one wants to receive, so I can only accept it. I don’t think there’s anything more tragically painful than a loss not necessary and that you cannot understand. He’s coming to visit me in a week and staying for the weekend. The trip was already planned but he’s coming anyways to say goodbye and pay my home town a long overdue visit. I’m putting all of my efforts into making myself brave and making light of the fact that I can finally show him all of the things I always wanted to. But can you truly enjoy something if you know it’s your last? How can I heal without giving myself false hope. I want to speak up but part of me is saying don’t tarnish whats left by arguing. When is it truly time to fight and when should you surrender?

    -Rachel

  • Samantha

    I know NC is the best thing to do but I can’t help but feel sadden by the fact that he’ll be coming home in two weeks and if we don’t see each other this summer, we won’t be able to until winter break again… After I said those things he texted me and told me that he understands he has no control over me and knows that regardless of what he tries to prove to me, I won’t be moved. Which.. Is true. But I guess I wanted him to try harder despite it.

  • Gem

    I feel like everybody in my life has turned their back on me
    A month ago I ended a 5 year relationship with my boyfriend and father of our child because deep down I knew he was just settling. When I told him, he didn’t fight for the relationship like somebody in live would, he simply moved out and accepted it. Because this was my decision I feel nobody cares that I am still grieving I was sold the dream of love, a family and spending the rest of my life with the man I loved.
    I am living alone paying a mortgage worki full time and raising our 2 year old. My sister who also went through a bad break up I was the for her every step of the way she’s found someone else moved on and hasn’t a care fr anybody who helped her to get where she is. She let me down on a holiday we were due to take I 3 weeks with my son telling me she’d rather move in with her new boyfriend, so I face going abroad alone as the same as my sister as all my friends are very happy with their lives I am forgotten.
    I argued with my sister a d told her to not speak with me, she is selfish, my mum calls me and I pour my heart out telling her I feel nobody cares about me, she tells me ‘you’re always the victim’
    I look at my son and feel like I agave failed him, I get no financial help and I go t bed at night praying I will not wake up. Please can someone tell me this will get better

  • been there done that

    Sam you have to distance yourself for at least a month or 2 wit nc no matter how hard it will be it may hurt you to your soul I’m doing it right now when he calls or text I don’t reply that kills them let him do what he does in school with whomever and if the love you and him have overpowers everything then when you guys are back together he will miss and love u so much he will be a better man the relationship will grow they say absence makes the heart grow fonder n u don’t really appreciate someone special till you loose them well let him loose you for a while if this plan of action and respect doesn’t work then he truly isn’t the one for you and you will eventually meet someone better not someone who gets bad habits in school then hurts you on a public site grow up you need a man not a kid,love is not suppose to hurt….make him miss you like no other even if u have to block him from your phone for a while lots of luck

  • Samantha

    I’m currently a college student, and me and my boyfriend of 2 and a half years have called it quits. We were in a long distance relationship because he went to California for college and I stayed in Texas. in the beginning of our relationship he was the sweetest guy anyone could ever ask for. I, however was getting over a previous relationship and I admit was unsure of my feelings. A couple months after we started talking I broke it off with him because of an argument and i felt like I’d be fine without him. We ended up talking again after a couple of months due to an incident where he called my friend out of the blue saying he wanted to talk to me… Anyway, we went back out and spent our junior and senior year of highschool together despite little fights and short and pointless break-ups in between. Finally when college started, things changed immediately. My ex was never a drinker nor a smoker and he was never the party type either. He started doing these things and we ended up breaking up and ending all communication a month before he was coming home for winter break. During this month he was talking to this other girl that he met the weekend he broke up with me. And do this day, I still feel like he left me for her though he swears on everything she did not influence his decision whatsoever. Weeks past and out of the blue he called and we ended up talking on the phone this night till 8 am. However, he was still talking to the girl and was very contradicting in what he wanted from me. I ended the phone call and ignored the Many ones he left me…. When he got back, I ended up texting him and we ended up seeing each other and tried to make it work. The entire winter break we were together and he told me that he realizes that I am the one for him. After he went back to California, things were okay for a while. However it wasn’t long before fights started sprouting again. This most recent break up was due to some trust issues I’ve kept since last semester… He said many cruel things aboutme on social networks and later deleted them. He called me after 3 weeks of NC. this time, I was stronger and told him words mean nothing. He told me he’d try is hardest to win me over… After an argument the other day I told him straight up I don’t trust him and don’t think I ever will, hung up, ignored his calls and have not talked to him since. I know this is the best thing for us because I know that we need to grow as individuals… I would like to ask, do you think they’ll be any hope in the future for things to work out? Is it possible for him to step up and be a better man? We’re each lther’s first love and I know that he loves me… I just don’t know if it’s enough..

  • taysmith

    Diane this will be one of the hardest things you ever had to do I did it and I’m still hurting and miss him its like a sickness but I have to be strong maybe if I had someone else I feel like I’m being torchered for being strong.they say absence makes the heart grow fonder n true love neva dies you have to let him go distant yourself no contact let him realize what he is missing stop being available to him and watch how things won’t work out in his favor people don’t appreciate what they have until its no longer there if its meant he will come back and maybe a better man heal yourself and if he dosent come back it wasn’t meant to be and the man above has someone better for u in ur future….don’t be down I will listen to you and write you wheneva u need me these messages get sent thru my phone have a good day n be strong he’s a looser

  • diane

    thank you all for the advice .

    I know it hurts that is why I’m trying to live without him . and i know he doesn’t even love me now because even text or asking me if I’M OK. the hardest part is to let go of someone but i know GOD will guide me .

  • taysmith

    Diane I’m so sorry and I know how you feel but I’m letting you know right now he’s acting that way cuz he’s seeing someone else the only way men change like that is when there interest is else where hed rather you break up with him so everyone won’t think really bad on him he’s trying to push you away I just went through that I was so hurt but I gave up the fight and I let his ass go.he was shocked first was calling texting and I’ve been ignoring him u didn’t want me then so y want what u can’t have now I’m not going back for more pain you will overcome if u let go n eventually god will help u find a new n better love u don’t deserve misstreatment n distance and neither did i

  • ella0140

    To diane

    HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU… move on with your life and stop chasing a man who can never be man enough to give you an honest answer.

    god bless you and may you find love and happiness.

  • diane

    I AND MY BOYFRIEND LIVE TOGETHER IN THE SAME APARTMENT . BUT HE CHANGE A LOT. I FEEL THAT THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG ABOUT HIM. I KEEP ON TELLING ME TELL ME THE TRUTH IF HE STILL LOVE ME BUT HE SAID YES BUT I FEEL LIKE HIS NOT TELLING THE TRUTH WHEN I ASK HIM AGAIN I WANT YOU TO BE FRANK AND TELL ME THAT YOU DON’T NEED ME BUT HIS ANSWER I DONT WANNA SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HEARD THAT YOUR MAM WILL BLAME AND HE SAID TELL ME SO THAT IF YOU BREAK UP WITH ME I WILL TELL TO YOUR MOM THAT YOU ARE THE ONE WHO BROKE UP WITH ME AND SHE WILL NEVER BLAME ME.

    ABOUT OF HIS ATTITUDE IS HE REALLY LOVE ME???

  • Amy

    @Michelle
    Your ex-bf doesn’t respect you at all and never will. Asking you to wait on him so he can figure out what he wants is such a bs. Chances are, he’s laughing it up with his guy friends about how he’s got you wrapped around his finger. He KNOWS how you feel about him and is manipulating you to stick around just incase the other girl he’s trying to hook up with doesn’t work out. That’s right – other girl. My ex-bf tried to convince me to wait on him for two weeks so he could ‘figure out’ what he wanted. Turned out he was trying to hook up with another girl. Just cause she lived in another town near by, he assumed I’d never find. Wrong!! I knew her! I found out and confronted her. She said he told her he wasn’t with anyone and was trying to hook up with her. Michelle, it’s time to stop feeling sad. Don’t be let ANY guy make you feel like you aren’t worth it. If he does – he’s not in it for love girlfriend. Let hin know HE’s not worth YOUR time. And don’t waste any energy trying to find out what he’s been up to cause, in the end, the answer is still the same; NO GOOD! Take your power back- YOU break it off with him completely. None of this ‘let’s still be friends’ bs either. It’s just a ‘foot in the door’ tactic some guys use to enable them to sweet talk their way into using their victims again. Be strong – and watch his face when you take your power back. Priceless.

  • ella0140

    To Michelle

    I am really shocked with your comment Girl wake up he just needs a place to stay he is just using you and your weakness. Move on he is obviously moving on with a privilege of using you and a place to stay and a bed to sleep in. We are the masters of our body and everything that happens to it if we will it we will have it and our happiness is our responsibility. Your EX-BOYFRIEND is a user my friend….
    What will happen, will happen all the pain and happiness will come in a point that it doesn’t make any sense but use it and learn from it, life is not fair and not all we plan in life doesn’t really go our way and life has no responsibility on it since it is our choices that have their own irrelevant side effects but look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself is it all worth it to love and be in pain when the other half is letting go and ready to move on? alot of people may give you all sorts of advice but in the end it is up to you to decide.
    Stand Up and take control of your life before it’s to Late!!!
    God bless you in your search for true happiness and peace of mind…
    Hope you find it!!!
    Don’t wait for a prince riding on a white horse to save you…YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOURSELF!!!!

  • Michelle

    My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me a few weeks ago and we are still living together I have tryed to “fix”our relationship and have asked him to give it another chance he says he loves me n part of him wants to be with me but part of him thinks that it will never change we still sleep together and act like a couple he even sleeps in my bed he says he will let me kno his decision to get back together or not but hasn’t and just keeps putting it off leaving me hanging hurt and confused he has been going out without me and it hurts so much because I don’t know if he is with another girl (it’s not like he’s gunna tell me) everyone says I should just go out to and forget about it but I can’t I have no desire whatsoever to go out with my friends and wen I do I just miss him and think about him and get upset even more I just want to stop feeling so hurt and alone and paranoid about what he is doing or who he is with how can I take my mind off him and not feel like this??? How do I stop “chasing” him and make him make his decision? Pls help I can’t bare this anymore!! Thankyou

  • annemarie

    I would like to say most of the comments are about men, we all know they are arseholes it’s just the size that changes.

    Let’s talk about you and where to from here. I have had the bigest loosers in my life because they seen me as weak, a target for Narcs it is a reciepe a little bit of poor self estiem a hint of poor confidence a swig of co dependantcy and maybe a hint of childhood issues there are other things but you get the picture.

    They can pick it up in 2 min thats why you need to be loud and proud fake it till you make it.I have learn’t a little about why they chose me, which made me think more about me as a person and I believe in partnership not ownership.
    Don’t blame yourself or them look past the relationship treat it like a maths problem do the sum’s ( Do they add up, was it equal mmmm?)

    I hope that you will think about your life because we only get one go at it. Also the best revenge is your new ability to be happy and free to make choices that makes you smile .

    Good luck to you all xxxxxx

  • Kim

    I understand what Jenny is saying. My husband of 17 years is a narcissist. He is also a sex addict. I found out out about his secret life Nov. 17 2011. I just happened to catch his computer and email open and read the most disgusting stuff about him. I found pictures that he had been sending to his buddies of his whores. He had been claiming ED with me all these years when in reality, while working overseas, he was purchasing cialis and having a grand time. Over $96 thousand dollars in credit card debt later and having lost one home. He still hasn’t stopped. He is on his way back from Afghanistan and already making plans for which crack whores he wants to see on the strip. I on the other hand have made up my mind to move on.
    I can’t take it anymore. I am worth more than this. There may be someone else down the road for me that will appreciate me for the woman that I am. But for now, I need to find myself again. He has alienated me from my children and friend moving me far away from them. He has made me feel like I am nothing more than a piece of s**t and I know that I am a beautiful woman that still has life in me.

    He thinks the world revolves around him. He refuses counseling, says he can help himself, but continues with the porn. I just can’t do it anymore. He even had a mistress for a year. Says that he was in love with her, but still loved me. What a crock of sh**. Says it was because he was lonely. Well, what the hell was I? Sitting here in the USA waiting for him to finish his contract! All the while he was paying for whores. From the day we married. He said he has been doing this for 30 years and he has to unteach himself. His mother said it is the filipino way! I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to be a part of it any longer.

  • Jenny

    I’m in love with my narcissistic husband of 20 years. If it wasn’t for my religious beliefs against divorce and financial position, I feel I could leave him and be alright. Problem with narcs, they don’t really love anyone. They have a sense of wanting to look the part of having a normal life by establishing false relationships with women like me. (trusting, loyal, kind hearted) Once we give them our heart, the real nasty man comes out cause they know they have us ‘hooked’. They are all about themselves and will hurt your feelings and crush your self esteem without remorse. At first, I didn’t even know what a narcissist was. But when I began to Google things like: verbal abuse, emotional abuse, selfish, constantly seeks attention of others, constantly lies, convinces people he is wonderful, rage, loves to be center of attention, blames others – never his fault, easily offended, angers easily, cannot talk about feelings/emotions, exaggerates stories to look good, doesn’t know how to make love – only have sex, uncomfortable with affection, etc., the word NARCISSISM came up. When we get angry or want to leave, their specialty is to reel us back by being nice or doing something nice for us so we don’t leave them. They give us false hope! If you are in a relationship or not, I encourage everyone reading this to Google Narcissism. Learn about it and what red flags are. I don’t wish this miserable life on anyone – not even my enemies. Remember, narcs are great actors in the beginning so take time to know someone. Test them. See how they react when things don’t go their way or if you jokingly humiliate them. If the red flags are there, RUN!!! – don’t walk. And don’t kid yourself. They WILL NOT CHANGE FOR YOU OR ANYONE ELSE!! EVER!!

  • maria

    i live with my boyfriend and his mom and dad i have been with him for a out three years now i have problems with him he is always angry at me i try so hard to do everything he wants me to and to be the best girlfriend but he is always angry for no reaon and he kicks me out of his house when he gets mad but the next day when that amger goes away he is ok back to normal i dont know if he loves me or not or what yo do with his anget

  • Maz

    I really love that quote about relationships being like glass. My mother passed on a little over 2 years ago. THat is when I told my sister, and the rest of the family that I didn’t want to be involved with them any longer. I was trying to start over in my life with my husband and kids. It is hard to be around my family because they are very toxic. I can literally see death all over my sister. She is so caught up in darkness and I just have to work so hard to stay in the light when I’m around her, or anyone in my family.
    My sister has CF and she is in her 40s. She is getting worse. She has been admitted to the hospital several times for the same thing. I called several months ago and she happened to be there. I spoke with her for the first time since my mom’s passing. She told me she had been on drugs and had gotten clean since I last saw her. She said that she may not have long to live. I told her that I want to be supportive in anyway I can. She gave me her number, but didn’t want me to have her address. I told her I wanted to send her a gift or something, but she didn’t seem very interested. She told me I could support her by calling her. So I called a few weeks later and left a message, but she never returned my call. I tried a couple of weeks after that, but her phone was disconnected. I have called the hospital several times, trying to get in touch with her, but have not succeeded. I miss her and I am afraid she will pass without me seeing her again.
    I feel like our relationship is like the broken glass. Like the sharp pieces have fallen somewhere where I can’t see or reach them, but I keep searching and in the end, will probably get cut by the edge.
    Maybe it is time to sweep up and recycle the glass pieces. Let them out of my life so they can have purpose somewhere else.
    I haven’t moved on. This is what has been holding me back. I choose to let go. I choose to love her with all my heart, but morn the loss of what we had, or what I had always hoped we would have.

    Thanks for listening…This helped.<3

  • taysmith

    This is for heather we are going threw almost the same thing were we try n try n no matter what we do seems like these men don’t love us back and we are being used.we know deep down were not getting the love we deserve and it may hurt n we may be lonely but the pain of being with these men are worst.there’s some1 out there that will love us inside n out n we have to try n be strong let go try n be happy and find them these loosers will need us b4 we need them that’s for sure

  • heather

    So i have been with this guy for five years on and off he use to be so perfect in the beging of the first two years he was caring compassionate loving sweet sensitive and wanted to spend all his time with me now the beging of the third year he met this group of friends he started hanging out with them often he started to ge really distant and disappeared for two days(he lived with me) with no text or call nothing i found out i was pregnant i was sohappy and then he finally texts me and dumps me i was so heartbroken and in the same night. I found out he cheated on me for the first time i was so stressed out to the max that topped it long story short i lost my baby ever since then he dpes the same thing untill recently he started to show he was going back but he tricked me into believing that he cheated on his current girlfriend with me to get money i had no idea he had a girlfriend this man has litterally destroyed me he mentally physically abused me made me feeel worthless i gave him everything everytime i try to move on and i start to feeling better he comes back and my guard tumbles 🙁 i have no clue what to do anymore please someone help 🙁

  • Siobhan Nicola

    Hi all, I have started looking into the reality behind abusive relationships considering the recent circumstances that have come to light. I moved to Australia about 18 months ago and began dating a guy who I thought was just the bees knees. We had such similar interests, he was in my mind just gorgeous, he worked hard, he made me laugh, and being I am a very sick person, he would take a lot of my physical pain and issues away somehow because I was always smiling. He ran into financial trouble about 3 months into the relationship. We dealt with this struggle for many months after. His idiot of a boss shut down the company without telling anyone, he lost his job, then totaled his car, then ended up in debt. I did everything I could to help him, letting him stay when he needed, lending money, giving him meals but more importantly all my free time. I am a university student and its hard to balance uni and a boyfriend who cant stand his own two feet. I loved him dearly, no person has ever made me feel quite this way. However he turned into someone I didnt know, and I wasnt the only person who noticed it. He started telling me I was ugly with my hair tied back in a ponytail, telling me what I looked better in, what I needed to wear. When he was staying with a friend instead of me, he would come over to visit then say he had work early(i helped him get a new job) and he had to go home at a reasonable time. Then I learned he was going out some of these supposed early nights to pubs and bars. One night after an argument, he said he was coming over to sort things out. 9 O clock at night I was left sitting there alone in my house waiting for him. One night he got angry, I was really really unwell and in severe amounts of pain, and he wouldn’t stop screaming at me. I pushed him to get him out of my face, and he started fuming and punched a wall. He once left me standing in a parking lot for half an hour after I had expressed being offended about something he had said. He constantly acted different around his male friends so he seemed like he had total control over me, and could use women as he pleased. I started to realize thats exactly what he was doing. He was using me when he needed me, or needed help then tossing me under the bridge. I eventually had the courage to leave him, despite being frightened of his anger. Lucky for me he just cried. 5 months on and I thought I could manage and cope with unblocking his number and so forth after he had persistently tried to apologize and “friend” me. We spent one evening out together as “friends” and I fell right back into his charm, and we have both fallen right back into our addictive ways. He works in the mines so he is only around 10 days out of the month. I was so happy to have him back. Until I spoke to my family and friends and they began to remind me of those nasty things again. Now I am stuck in this awful position. The man I love is the man who has the ability to make me more miserable than ever, to make me feel ugly and worthless. My mother constantly tells me that I am worth so much more, and I should never be with someone who makes me feel less than amazing. Its so hard when you are so addicted to someone, feel like you cant live with them. Its what you want, Its what I want. All I can think about is him, and the plans we have and its such a good feeling. I am I stupid for wanting to try again, thinking that all the nasty stuff that happened was just because of his finances, or is he really just not a good person? I know how stress can take a huge toll on your life, but I cant decipher between what is really him and what is just a product of stress. Am I just making excuses for him?

  • Kinley

    This message is for Sherry B. Your husband my be enjoying the good life with someone else but his true colors will surely come out. And feeling your pain makes you a strong person don’t shame yourself for it. You have a heart which is more than I can say for this guy. The pain will end I promise…..the best way to take your power back is live the best life possible and when he comes crawling back you won’t want him because you will realize you deserve someone who wants the best for you:) Lots of Love to you all.

  • SherryB

    Wow. I didm’t realize so many were hurting the same way I am. Was married 20 yrs with 4 boys. Put up with a lot of abuse over the years. Forgave him, tried again, lost myself and my family along the way. Finally had to kick him out. Saw him a couple of weeks ago with his new girlfriend. Hurts so much. They seem to be happy with many new toys, house, sports car, etc. Never had those with me. We just made do with junk. Been divorced several years and have dated couple times. Didn’t work out, was no heartbreak for me. Don’t think I’ll ever love again. Don’t know how to see someone else as attractive. My kids see my hurt over new girlfriend. Ashamed. I should be stonger. How do I move on? What was wrong with me? Why was I never good enough for him to treat me with respect?

  • sk

    i never thought this day would come….today i realized i need to break up…i am only 90% sure i need to break up, but the rest 10% is the confusion part+ realization of hurting him part+regret part…i am not what he wants and he is not what i thought he is. the only reason i would not be able to break up is the realization that i would hurt him….i don’t want to hurt anyone but i am not happy with him! he gets angry for small reasons n fights for small things, he never realized i never let him know that he hurts my self respect most of the time when he is joking or angry…..and i know i’m not gonna be able to tell him this all when he asks me the reason for our break up…m sure i’ll definitely end up as the bad guy….but he will never realize i am doing the both of us a favor….(but i am also hurting him)…….and at this point i don’t know what is right n what is not!and i don’t know when the break up will happen but i hate the fact that he led me to do this!…i don’t have any idea how i will deal with it all but i am just worried abt him…it sucks…!!!

  • Olerato

    My boyfriend or should i say my fiance is seriously driving me over the edge. We were supposed to get married in October this year but because of his family it’s not going to happen. His family in fact told him that he is not going to get married until after four years. Personally i’m in no hurry to get married but because I love him truly very much and I know he’s the guy i want to spend my life with,I accepted his proposal last year when he asked me to marry him. Things were so great between us and his family liked me and we all got along really well but when he proposed everything changed. His mother started to control him and she even told him how she wants him to live his life,and he’s doing exactly what his mother says. His sisters and brothers are also practically controlling him and he’s just sitting back and following orders. This has put a huge strain on our relationship and no matter how many times i tell him how I feel,he won’t listen. We just bought a house together(which we were supposed to move into after the wedding) and we don’t know what to do with it because we can’t move in together before marriage(which will be in 4years) and the way his family is controlling him,we’ll probably constantly fight if we manage to convince our families that we moving in together.The controlling issue has been going on since Jan this year and it keeps getting worse. We are now spending our time together discussing how we will get through the family issues than focusing on us and having quality time. He recently moved in with his brother and he’s all the time rushing to get home because he doesn’t want to get home late(says he respects his brother). I don’t mind him getting home early but the manner in which he does it,it’s as though his family takes priority over me and it doesn’t really matter what we were doing or talking about,when he says he’s leaving,he actually leaves. I feel like i’m at a breaking point because I’ve talked to him, explained to him how i feel,begged him to understand but it hasn’t made any difference. I just wanna get out of the relationship,but I love him so so so much,i just don’t know how to do it and it’s hurts me so bad looking at him and thinking that i might never actually get to be with him for the rest of my life because of his family.

  • Gina Marie

    My beautiful mother passed away 1/22/12. My family and I are devastated. My brother, Mike, and I got into a huge fight. Sadly, I had terrible withdrawal symptoms after being on ambien and zantax for a week after my mom passed but I needed help
    that week especially.
    I flipped out on my brother and he really didn’t deserve it. I apologized profusely and I know the med. withdrawal really messed me up.
    It’s been 3 months and he won’t talk to me, no emails, nothing. I took care of him when
    we were kids and mom was sick and it hurts SO much that he won’t let me back into his life. We only have him, my dad and myself in the US. We are all we have. Sadly, he has cut me out of his life in the past twice before. Once, for 8 months and another time for 7 months and it was always stupid crap. All that matters is health and happiness just like my dad always says. When will he realize that this is so unfair.

    Thank you for your advice and your ear. I pray one day we will be talking again but for now, like you said, I have to focus on myself.

  • taysmith

    This is to shattered and broken.I kno and feel exactly wat u feel inside..there’s nothing wrong with us we for some reason feel the need to want something that’s unhealtyh for us.this pain is not fair and its gonna take a lot of time to make it stop.thing is while we are grieving they are living there lives without a care in the world we have to get out n meet people.they don’t know how to love and didn’t deserve us to start we were blinded bt the fake side of them love is not suppose to hurt this bad its not love when the other party can hurt you lile uou mean nothing they don’t know how to love we have to move fwwd some how

  • Carol

    I was seeing this guy for almost three years now but i broke with him four months ago. I didn’t know i was going to be this hurt but depending on the nature of the relationship that we had I actually had to say enough is enough. He emotionally abused me for three years and I did not complain. My life has been dormant for three years and I blamed it on him for not doing anything about us. For me I think I tried the best that I could to save our dying relationship but he was reluctant in everything he couldn’t even talk to me on phone on the numerous times I called him and I think the bad things that he did not me outdo the good things that he did to me so I just its time for me to move on. However after gathering enough courage I texted him and told him to forget about everything and sure he did. This was not our first breakup, we had broken up several times but always got back together after me calling him and swallowing my pride and talk to him. I just didn’t want to take it anymore coz i was feeling used and manipulated and decided to hell with everything.
    However after a month or so I started missing him a lot but I don’t want to be the one to initiate everything but right now am feeling sick and am desperate I don’t know how to move on I have tried but I just can’t ave been mourning ever since we part ways though I know this was the best decision for us coz I don’t want to see the awkward things that guy used to do.

  • shatterd and broken

    I am 30 years old my whole life i blocked any man from taking my heart i never loved just over a year ago i fell in love finally it was like my destiny everything fell into place with him he was my romeo then the day came he started cheating he would pick fights with me to leave for the weekend or fight just to go screw around come back and tell me he will never do this again 2 or 3 weeks later once again im left crying all alone after awhile the mental abuse came i was fat and nasty lazy and worthless i disgust him i make him sick i would go and kiss his head he would look at me and say im not hungry that made me sick etc i am 5″11 and weigh 150 lbs i feel like im huge and cannot look in the mirror well he left me again but this time its different no calls or text from him he has moved on but WHY does it feel like my soul is gone and my heart has been removed with a jagged knife?? he treated me like this and cheated lied manipulated me put me down why do i cry non stop and only wish for his return Im so lost. I begged him to come back to me like a pathetic loser what is my problem

  • Angela

    Thats how i felt but we did live together for two years. Its been over a month and time to time i still hurt but ive gotten stronger. You feel like your gonna die when you lose someone you love but you wont think about all the bad stuff that happened that gets me through the day their is someone out there for you, someone to love you inside and out, someone thats gonna value you!

    Just wait for that sign when you feel that the world stop next to him sometimes we confuse love with being use that person we begin to think that its right to live in pain. Its not wether you have kids or not.

    Alway remember that you deserve the best because you are the best it only gets better….stay strong!

  • janvi

    I loved a guy and he too loved me a lot. Our relation is from last 4 years. He always fight with me and abuses me for little things which i can’t bear, but he never understands me. we have panned for marriage even for children too but now its very difficult for me to live with him. Then i have decided to leave him. Now i m dying without him and surely die without him.

  • Christina

    My boyfriend broke up with me a little over 3 years ago. It was a difficult situation. We fell madly in love one summer when we where both living and working in London at the time. I am Danish and He is Australian. In the beginning it was never meant to be anything more than a summer fling, but things soon developed and when I had to go home to Denmark to start university, we could not let go of each other, as we had planned. The short story is that my Australian moved to Denmark to be with me it was in 2008 just when the financial crisis hit. He had great difficulty with finding a job here, and his situation was hard on him and the relationship. He moved back to Australia, to start his Masters. We stayed together for the first few months, keeping in contact over Skype. It was very difficult being so far away for each other and we often cried. One day pretty much without any explanation he broke up with me. The week before he had written to me how much he loved me and that I was the most important thing is his life. After he broke up with me he cut me off for almost a year without any explanation. I was in Australia studying for a semester in 2010, something I had planned to do when me and my Australian were still together, and him breaking up with me was not going to change my plan, so I went to a completely different City than where he lived. At the end of my stay when I was traveling around I went by Melbourne where he lived and we met up,.This was the first time that I saw him since he broke up with me, in the beginning I didn’t feel anything for him, but pretty soon all my feelings came back. We talked about the break up and he apologized to me be saying that at the time he thought it was best because of our difficult situation. He also explained that it had more to do with him. At the time I was very angry with him, but I could clearly see in his eyes that he still loved me even though he tried to hide it. I went back to Denmark continued with my studies got another boyfriend and tried to be happy. My Australian finished his masters got a great job and seemed to be succeeding in all the things he weren’t when we where together. I am also almost done with my studies. The Thing is That I still love my Australian with all my heart, I was 21 when we met and I am 25 now. I have tried with all my body and soul to move on. But for some reason I can’t let go. I have the opportunity to go back to Australia soon, and we have talked about meeting. I know he thinks that what is in the past is in the past. He has given up on ever finding love. And says he just wants to be alone. It is like the moment he broke up he shut down and drowned his emotions. My dilemma is now should I meet up with him, well knowing that he might not feel the same way about me. I wanna be able to say that I have tried all, and all would be going all the way to Australia to see him. And finally being able to see for myself that he doesn’t love me. Should I go all the way to Australia to see the love of my life, and risk having my heartbroken again?

  • Depressed

    I have been single for five years. I was with my x-boyfriend for nine years. He was abusive physically and emotionally but I still love him. I was planning our wedding when he put a restraining order on me saying I was abusing him. I did not know this until four sheriff cars with sirens racing pulled up to my house and informed me that I had twenty minutes to remove my belongings. I could only take my clothes. The next day, I found out he moved in a girl he was seeing. One month later they were married. My brain knows that this is the best thing that could have ever happened. But, my heart is in a million pieces. I hide away and stay away from everyone. I never want to be hurt this way again. Yet, I feel lonely and depressed. I keep saying time will heal, but it hasn’t healed me.

  • The Thinker

    Letting go of a loved one is always a difficult thing to do. When you love someone deeply, taking that person out of your life is like tearing away a part of yourself. The pain can be very intense.
    1. Really ACCEPT what has happened.
    2. Allow yourself to grieve but NOT in destructive ways i.e, alcohol, drugs or other risky ways. This only makes it worse and will prolong your suffering….I KNOW because I’ve done this repeatedly only to realize, the only person I am hurting IS MYSELF. Realize your ex is NOT going to feel compassion and rush in to save the day on a white horse – Save yourself.
    3. Talk to someone – Friends, counselor. I tried counseling and friends but for me, I kept reading articles to understand what sometimes has no real logical answer other than, the person left.
    4. Force yourself to get out. This will be hard at first especially if you’ve built your world around someone else. That’s part of the problem, never lose yourself in someone else. Do things with friends, passions like reading and activities that define you always even when love comes knocking again.
    5. Do something new – Take a class or an activity you always wanted too. I’ve learned how to rock climb and kayak. The sense of achievement ROCKED! And I took a class at college and met new friends.
    6. Take one day at a time – This sounds like hogwash but it’s true. Up and down days will certainly come but the saying,”This too shall pass is true with enough time as long as you are really committed to dealing with the situation.
    Going through the loss of a relationship can be long and difficult process. But remember that you are not alone and everyone has been through it, sometime or the other. Learning to let go, no matter how deeply you loved the person, is essential if you are to move on with your life.

    Pain and suffering are inevitable parts of our lives in this journey but misery is an OPTION. Love is not ownership of another, it’s unconditional. Instead of trying to alter the circumstance, perhaps allow the circumstance to alter us in a more positive direction of knowing our true selves. We can only learn from what the lesson is trying to teach us if we stop wallowing in it. If we do not learn, it will repeat until we do. Aren’t you tired of that? We only have this moment, so let’s cherish the gift of life in this moment. God bless

  • Destiny

    Hello

    Love is so confusing and painful. I feel like I’m being torn into pieces and it hurts like “HELL”. I met someone and fell in love with him he is my co-worker we both work in China as a teacher. It was fun and exciting at first it was perfect he swept me of my feet made me complete. But like any other love story all has it’s ending it’s just mine wasn’t the happily ever after. We had plans together we wanted to do alot of things together. I blame myself mostly because of some argument we were having lately ever since we transferred to a new workplace we would always have the small arguments, then we are okay again then back to the depressed, angry, silent treatment couple. Last time we had a discussion is were we both said some things we can never take back, now we are parting ways and i don’t know what to do. I tried to stop him but I know that he wants to go and be free again. I just hope i can survive this agonizing pain inside me and the fear of not being able to move forward and my wounded heart I am not sure if it will be okay again. We meet people but i guess most of the time we were never meant to keep them. We had so much plans, dreams and we were sure that we are going to make it happen but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

  • Destiny

    Hello

    My life was normal before I met him and I have accepted my life to be dull and well not exciting to many people. I’m a teacher in China and in this country I met someone I never wanted to cross path with because I am afraid of pain, depression, and misery of what love brings to people when it is time to say goodbye. Although fear creeps in my mind my heart was weak I fell in love with him and had been staying with him here in China for about 7 months now. We had our ups and down but we always get through to those hardships and struggle but now because maybe of alot of factors like homesickness, boredom, tiredness from workplace, colleagues as well as the whole thing here in China we are parting ways. The bottom line is I feel like “HELL” I never knew that loving someone can hurt like this it is so hard somewhat driving me insane I want to stop him from leaving me but i know that it wouldn’t be right because he wants to go. I have to let him go and move on with my life but I’m in pain I wish it doesn’t hurt like “HELL” and the problems is this type of pain has no cure but time. We had so much plans together having kids, house by the beach, traveling but then it all comes down to saying goodbye. I’m in pain and trying really hard but it feels worse when ever i realize his gone I tried to stop him but it didn’t work and it hurts I wish someone had told me that there is such a pain that cannot be cured by any medicine. Letting go is so difficult but i know it’s for the best only time will tell if my wounds will heal.

  • jessie

    It is a year since I found out that he had someone else and had been double crossing us both and only had to make a decision to tell me because she found out and he had to make a choice or lose her.
    Had I known I would never have wanted to continue
    and he knew that.

    He is still with her and although I could never want him back it still hurts as I am not over it. I thought he was sincere when he declared his love and stupidly thought I was different from all the others he had behaved like this with.

    I still miss all the good aspects I have lost and there is such an empty hole I can’t fill. So many reminders. Why do I think about it more when it is over than I did when it wasn’t?

  • matt

    If your here your obvioubsly hurting.. and all i can say kindred spirits is that if you stay in the light of life, and dont let the heartbreak make you bitter you can become even greater than you were before the encompassing relationship. Although the one you love may not be with you physically.. what i do is take 5 deep breaths and remember that what we shared was eternal. and although we are not together i feel her in spirit, and there i love her unconditonally.. To live on.. to continue to try and make yourself the best person you can be.. to take the pain and find it in a different light. that.. is what true love is all about. IT was never about them completing you. It was always about being given the tools… even though they may be painful to complete yourself. True love.. is bitter sweet. but its beauty is worth all to me.. and i beleive it meant all to you. 🙂 much love to you who is reading this. May your troubles become your companions.. and when all hope seems lost.. know that many feel as you do. all u have to do is but reach out with your mind.. and together in our helplessness we may find peace. 🙂

  • taysmith

    Goodmorning hon I read your email about ur revenge path and if noone in this world knows wat you are going through I do I jus went on one as well by making my guy loose his job and I still feel worst because I realize no matter what we can’t force noone to change or make them love us. We start to feel guilty it effects our daily living.I can’t even go to work I feel ripped I feel ugly I don’t love my life or myself its even effecting my parenting skills. I kno its easier said then done but he’s gonna need you and that baby too him and that new b**ch are not gonna be happy I promise you we have to get up lift our heads up n pray god will send us someone to love us the way we choose to n if he abused you he’s gonna beat the hell out of her soon too he still loves you but men are dogs immature liars and only truly care for them selves I kno it hurts n if u need someone to listen I’m here I just want to be happy it can’t stay like this for us forever it has to go away our kids need us although I can’t follow my own advice be strong don’t get like me ok…I’m sure ur bueatiful n sweet kind a new beginning is near when one door closes another opens

  • KJ

    I left my boyfriend of 7 years a little over a month ago. Even though I know in my head it was the right thing to because he abused me a few times over the years and has a drinking problem, my heart is breaking. We have a 2 year old son, and the first couple of weeks after I left, he was telling me that he would do anything to put his family back together. I told him that I would let him work through his issues from a distance, but would help him in any way that I could. He stopped calling, and stopped seeing our son and I wanted to know why so I went to see him. I found him with another woman. She left her husband and 1 year old son and moved in with him a few days later. I am completely devastated. I have never been so angry at someone in my life and have gone down the revenge path. I told him he could not see our son, mostly because of his drinking, but now there is an unstable woman involved. I have so much anxiety, that I can’t sleep, eat, and I barely even function. How do I let all of this go, and move forward???

  • pinkie

    My husband left 3 weeks ago, we’d had problems and he’s left several times before but this time there was no great argument he left and won’t speak to me. We moved to a remote place miles away from family and friends last year and whilst I have made friends it’s not the same. I can’t afford to go home as I wouldn’t have anywhere to live or a job, so I’m here pretty scared very lonely and he won’t talk to me. I still love him even though I know he’s not right for me and the things he does are cruel. How do I get on with my life without him, I just can’t see a life for me after this other than being on my own forever more. I’m in my 50’s and very, very sad

  • Locks

    I have been married for 4 1/2 years. Our first year of marriage my husband cheated on me with a woman he met on the web, who also thought she was pregnant by him. since then my husband has been having inappropriat conversations with many women on the web, and even explicit picture of himself. he has said he was going to delet it all but he never did he just change his name and block it to where i can’t find his page. He has given out his number to these women letting them know what time they can call. when i confronted him he said i had these friends before we got married, its all just a fantasy! I am making plans to move out!

  • Sandy Guy

    He actually called last week and said he’d call later but he never did. I think my mistake is making him so perfect in my mind. I don’t know how to change the way I feel. He is the one I want to marry. Other men are dull compared to him. He is funny and smart and interesting. I’ll always wish we were together. My wound was healing but since he called I have the same pain.

  • IFeelSoAlone

    all she could say was she wants me to go etc she couldnt even look me in the eye nt even take care . so after killing myself over a girl and a promisd she made me make as much as i wanted . i decide 2 go bk her house a second time but her mum was at work n begged her to stop and forgive me for whatever reason but she was completely different anc cold. so i left thd rest of the stuff she gave me at the start of our relationship … then i tried 1 last time before i left anc pleeeeedeeeeeed my hart out and shd told me just leave with your dignity… so i leave. i msg her a couple times later she never replied n called her once but no answer… we donr everything together, why do u think shd became like this

  • IFeelSoAlone

    I was with my gf since secondary school. This is where she told ME she liked me, so i gave it a chance. That was my first serious relationship . So bout 2 years later now weve made it to college . Yh we argue now and then like every little couple but thats normal. So after like a week that was pretty good i slept over her house for 2 days n she left to go college so i fixed up her house n went home. Then i got home i had a jacket to suprise her but i tricked her saying im going to need the 1 i gave u before bk over the phone . So she arrived with her friends but she just gives the jacket anc walks off and dosn’t make contact for a week so i call her n she is completely a different person. And this girl loved me sooooo much blv me, i even took her viginity n was first boy friend she done everything with n only her second bf after her first which was a dare. so i go to her house n give her bk the stuff she got me like cards, my chain etc . then i call her later n she had no love at all to show

  • broken heart

    Its sad to see a lot of people going through this. I recently was dumped by my fiance. She was 26 and I am 32. I was her second real relationship and we both fell in love from the first day we hung out. That feeling that you have known this person your entire life and had been waiting for them. We were inseperable, we did everything together. We traveled, cooked and just hung out. She became my best friend, my inspiration, my love. We were soulmates. Over the course of our 2 yrs we had some arguments mainly because im a hard headed. Her only fault was that she didnt express her feeling (meaning if something bothered her she would rather keep quite). She did this a few times where she would bottle things in and then out of hast make irrational decisions. I tried to tell that we need to talk about things, so dont worry if you upset me. I loved her and saw my life with her and she felt the same,but over time she grew distant. She wanted a man to by her side and I thought I was doing it. I didnt realize how things were getting, one day, right before a trip we were planning she told that we needed to talk. I knew where this was going. She gave up on me and us and told me that things havent changed and that she was unhappy. We go from talking about our wedding to breaking everything off. My heart dropped and I wanted to die.
    I tried to understand and it hasnt helped. I ve been in horrible relationships in the past, from getting cheated on emotional rollercoaster. In turn from those I picked up a lot of bad habits that I needed to break. I never cheated on my fiance or looked at another women like I looked at her.
    What I had was a blessing, and the tables have turned where I pushed her away. I’ve never hurt after my other failed relationships because of how bad they were. unfortunatly I failed this time, I failed to show her things were changing and bad habits are getting fixed. But at that point it was to late.
    The love of my life is gone, the one person who knew me, who listened, the one person that truly and unconditionaly loved me. My soulmate is gone and I’ve been trying to cope.
    Its been a struggle letting someone go, when they were everything you ever wanted in a person and in a relationship.

  • Lil Lozenger

    I don’t believe you should let go of a loved one, or a person that once meant something to you, I believe that they were part of your life for a reason, and at the time you were happy to have them as part of your life, so you should just accept they were part of your life, and they made you who you are today,a relationship break up hurts, yes, but sometimes relationship break up’s make your next relationship better, you learn from your mistakes in a past relationship, and learn not to make them again in the next relationship, yes it hurts, but it happens, and one day someone will come along and make you realise why all your other relationships didn’t work you, just be patient, and enjoy the ride, there will be ups and down’s, Good and bad, but it’s all worth it in the end! 🙂

  • Charming Clover

    dear jay,

    i understood ur feeling, but if that is what he wants you have to let him go, my boy also same, i love him so much bt he dowan me rdy, i cried alot, i couldnt bare with it, i never eat and sleep, i become too weak, but one day while im on my bed, i have sumkind of thought. i think am i going to be like this forever ?

    Jay, y dont you go on in ur life with his memories, keep going, if u cant forget him then y r u trying for that, keep him in ur memories. 🙂 everyting will be going on smooth, u got watch titanic ? the gurl lives till the end and keep the jack in her memory 🙂

    That is love. dont try too much to forget him, just think he is with you, but the only thing you need to do is 🙂 just follow your life pathway, one day everyting will change :). believe me…

  • Movingon

    Reading these stories are sad but a part of life. I think through relationships (both good and bad) we discover things about ourselves. Things that make us flourish and things that make us realize areas we need to work on or improve. Regret is a terrible thing to live with and being we can’t change the past lets work on moving forward reflecting off our past experiences using it as a guide to a more successful future. And to the woman whose boyfriend abuses her THAT IS NOT OK!!!

    I’ve dated a lot, some great guys but didn’t feel any attraction for and quite a few messed up guys who really destroyed me. The best advice I have for all of you is never lose faith in yourself and never underestimate your self worth. You will NEVER be able to control other people but you can control the people you allow into your life and keep there. YES I’ve been in the situation too where I fell in love for the bad guy and thought staying in a toxic relationship was better than no relationship but reflecting back on it I couldn’t be happier that things ended (it took a long time to accept that).

    Start by working on creating healthy boundaries for yourself. What you will and wont accept in a relationship and stick to it. Don’t make excuses for other people. LOVE IS A BEAUTIFUL EMOTION THAT SHOULD NEVER HURT! When it does hurt, when we do lose a partner we love it means their love was never there 100%. How awful is it to love someone who can no longer give you 100% of themselves when you give them so more than that. Once you start creating healthy boundaries for yourself you will start to put things into a brighter perspective. Write them down, read them everyday, remind yourself your boundaries are what will define you in your relationship and future relationships.

    You have your whole life ahead of you. Enrich it with positive affirmations. Know that the people who want to be in your life will make an effort to do so, and vica versa. There are so many wonderful things that can come from a negative relationship and its the empowerment and self discovery that you were able to move on that brings out this inner strength you never knew existed.

    THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP YOU WILL EVER HAVE IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IS THE ONE YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF. Its ok to be a little selfish sometimes. You need a healthy dose of selfishness because it comes in the form of self respect. Trust me once you learn to work on the relationship you have with yourself and set healthy boundaries you’ll realize something so amazing about yourself and no one can take that away from you.

    Remember the past is the past, we can’t do anything to change it. We can’t make people fall in or out of love with us. We can’t control other individuals. We can’t blame ourselves for regret anymore. We need to focus on taking all these past experiences and use it as our platform to grow and there is no better time than to start right now.

  • Kris

    It’s sad reading these comments. There’s a lot of descent guys out there but a lot of them are going to be shy, hard-working, probably not the suave player types who know how to seduce women. You’ll find these guys jogging, at the park, at coffeehouses, churches, libraries, music festivals, and sometimes at clubs and pubs. You can spot them because they might not be the smoothest or most articulate or best dressed, but you know what, they’ll be nice and loyal and have a steady income. Don’t fall in love with the players. You want to meet a nice guy, move to North Dakota, where the discovery of oil has lured hundreds of men for high paying jobs, or move to Alaska or Colorado or South Florida, where it’s a bunch of guys.

  • Margie

    10 Years ago my first boyfriend ever killed himself because he said he didnt want to live without me. Before I met him he was depressed and he used to say I was the only thing that kept him here. I thought it was sweet but he really was in a lot of pain because of things that happened to him when he was young. He was a compulsive liar but I felt sorry for him. I always think that maybe if I had just let him go he’d be alive today. Either way its been 10 years and Im still in a lot of pain. The relationship was heading somewhere bad. I believe he is fine. God understands our pain. He knows us better than we know ourselves

  • Glo

    I married after knowning him for three months. He told me everything about him and I must have been in dream land. He had a bad live and he was a bad person and I was different. He was saved (so he was living a lie) and I am saved. I had been married over 25 good yrs and was grieving the lost of my late husband. Three’s after his death, I wanted to love again. This man said and did all the things I desired. He told me he takes meds and I thought well we are in our 50’s so mabe highblood meds. No I did not feel good to ask and oh no…he takes meds to make him act right morning and night -Mania Depression. He left me broke and loseing my home. He told me a 50 yr old woman to get lost. I have grown children who respect and honor me. This person has made a mess of everything I stood for. He came back for 90 days to finish messing up my life and said he is really done now. There was no reason I could see for this on my part, only that he start to abuse me by verb and phsc. I know that God saved me from him, my love is still true.
    It is hard and I am trying to keep going.

  • Kitty

    Hi I’m 19 now turning 20. I just finished my first year in college and things haven’t been great. So where do i start. Lets start with the fact that something really really scaring happened a few years back and it took me nearly 3 years to even start talking to guys, but in those 3 years my best guy friend Joe was the number one reason I got over it. I’ve dated occasionally since then but nothing ever felt right or lasted for more then a month. Now I’m in college first year and all and Joe and I tried going out Oct 2011 it was long distance yes but it worked texted and called each other. In the beginning he still wanted me to look for someone else while at college but that’s kind of hard since I have trust issues and there aren’t that many guys who peek my interest on campus or off. Joe & I made it official during winter break he visited me every day we went out to dinners occasionally, bought each other gifts, he came to a lot of family parties, and so on. After I went back to college he came up for Valentines day, which was amazing.

    But for a while now he seems to be getting more and more stressed between his work, which doesn’t really pay enough, his family, and his medical condition. I though after spring break we would break up but we didn’t and after Easter he even brought me back to college and staid a few days. This made me realize how much better life was with him around, all my girlfriends have hooked up with guys so I’m usually left out a lot of the time. I cried and I think he felt helpless to help me. That Saturday I was told by my mom that Joe stopped by to talk to the family and that he seemed a little off. It was that Sunday that he text and called me breaking up with me. he said “its not you its the distance I can’t stand not being there for you and you not being here for me.”

    I cried for a week straight my grades weren’t the greatest back then(this was about 3 weeks ago) Well since then I’ve been thinking and I feel that he just has to many stresses that he doesn’t want to burden me with, but I still want to be with him even if the only thing we do together is cuddle and watch movies and put his life back together.We have still been texting its just not every night, and he tends to work everyday with many long long hours.

    Now I go home in 5 days and I’m getting nervous. Last night the subject of us kinda came up and he asked “Have you tried to move on and find someone new?” and I my reply was how hard it is to find non jerks on a partying college campus. It was then I asked him what else was up because I want to have the us talk when I’m home and face to face with him, He said he’s falling deeper and deeper into debt. Now I have a feeling this is the issue that broke us up because his personality is that he always wants to take care of me and provide for me, but even if that’s not there he does all that for me just by cuddling with me.

    So I guess what my question is is should I try to get back together with him when I go back home or should I just help him figure it out as a friend and see if we can get back together when he’s stable again? I really could use some help…No one else has been able to help me out on this whole thing.

  • gaby

    my situation is kind of stupid maybe ..i am 21 and I’m married to a wonderful man we have 2 kids and i love him .. The thing is i still battle with my past i dated a guy for 5months and gave him my all i lost my virginity to him i was 15 he was amazing but then he had to move away we broke up just because of that both young and dumb but i still hurt over this and wonder what could have happened if only heed stay… I then meet my husband when i was 17 gave him a chance because after that guy i didn’t date i was to scared to hurt and even tho i love my husband this still bothers me what can i do how can i erase my past this other guy became a d#!&$ bag after he moved just to make me get over him but that didn’t work 6 yrs later n i still think about him some x HELP!

  • Melissa mcguire

    This message is for SCORPIO GURL:
    Girl it looks like you have someone really special in your life. From what your saying looks like he really cares. As hard as it may be to believe, there actually are some really good people out there. Some people that will love us back just as we love them. Have faith in GOD that you were lucky enough to be blessed with one, trust him unless he gives you reasons to doubt. But by controlling him you are setting the relationship upnfor doom because we cannot try to control someone else. Something you should focus on is loving yourself,and once youve mastered that things like this wont be such a stressful problem.you are beautiful, kind, smart and important ! Sometimes we dont see in outselves the things that others see, so have confidence in yourself.
    But my love ( trust me i have felt this way before) but never ever think about suicide. If GOD chooses to take someone out of your life it was only for the better. He has a plan for us and has already picked someone for us to be with. We are just taken the path of experience and lessons. He has also chosen some to come into our lives and teach us that some things dont last forever, and some people have t move on. Good luck and remember to keep GOD and family first, there all we have in the end!

  • Angie

    Stumbled across this website looking for books that would make this ache in my heart go away. My high school sweetheart, my best friend, my soul mate left me in an email after 6 years. We have been apart for 6 years no and i still love her, but I don’t want to anymore.

    I just want to rip my heart from my chest

  • kimberly

    I am married to an emotionally and sometimes physical abusive man. This is our second marriage to each other. He is currently in jail on a probation violation and refuses to call me. He is only calling his mom. He has always told me I would never come first in his life, but I keep thinking that someday I will. I gave up everything I had to marry him again. Now I want to leave him while he is locked up and I am so scared. I feel like I can’t live without him. I only have one day left before he comes home & the abuse starts again. I feel like if I couldn’t move on the first time with him, I won’t be able to now. I know in my heart he doesn’t love me. Why am I so undecided about leaving him and starting a new life??

  • taysmith

    We are all dealing with heartache but I feel its our own fault.first of all love is never suppose to hurt someone we love and is suppose to love us back should neva want us to hurt they cudnt even imagine us in pain,I bet before this pain there was other pain that we jus forgave being weak.if someone does one wrong thing they will do a million more.god always gives us warning sign after warning sign but we continiously forgive.when it reaches its breaking point that’s jus him removing the devil out of our lives and opening doors for a new love hopefully this time a real love for thick n thru then till death do us part is wat love really is u shudnt grow tired of ur love u shudnt even be able to imagine a day without them if him or her can do that then what kind of love is that.we must follow signs early n if we think with our brains n stead of our hearts we wud be better off those 2 need to match if we feel pain from someone at this moment they don’t love us now and ladies stop thinking bcuz someone has sex with you that’s love cuz at any moment they’d stick it in someone else love yourself first then we will kno the true meaning of love love god follow him n he will bring you true love a love that never hurts and neva eva dies be strong time heals ALL

  • esther

    Hi
    I am also in a 11 year relationship. I am 42 with two teenagers. I fell inlove 11 years ago. Stuck with this guye through all his drinking days his family verbal abuse. His kids making my life a misery. We are not yet married. I had a house and car fully paid for. I had a job with pension medical etc. I gave it all up because of his promises. Now I am stuck here in natal with no family no car and no future. I feel lost and hopeless. I know I don’t belong in this family. They back stab and interfere with evrything. I know I nees to leave cause me and my kids are depressed. But I am so scared of facing a future alone. He claims to love me and that he wants to fix things. But he works overseas 6 months of a year sometimes more. We have grown apart. I have lost my confidence and feel worthless and usless. How can I be an example to my kids when I feel so pathetic. I need to start my life all over again my kids need to finish their education. It all feels so daunting. I am so petrified. I can’t even think straight or positive anymore. I hate waking up but I know I can’t just leave my kids. If I never had them to fend for I would have just left this life. I hate what some men do to us and the decent ones are so far and few

  • taysmith

    Awwwhh I feel your pain and I kno your hurting 8 years is a long time to be with someone and then jus get disregarded and now this bastard is trying to be with his ex I’m heartbroken as well and I’m tryna heal.I’m sure ur a bueatiful girl and when one door closes another one opens you have to believe in that.he will pay for your pain you can’t go around hurting peopl and excpect happy days be around supportive friends I will write if u need me to be strong don’t let him tear you down he will pay…don’t think about although I kno it stings its like some1 digging a knife in your heart and twisting and twisting if u don’t have kids it will be better ok

  • jay

    So here is my story…..
    The love of my life that we were 8-9years together decided to end everything… We were already living together 3years and it kills me soo much because he doesn’t have the nerves to tell me things in my face… A week ago he told me he needed space after a big arguement we had, after that he didn’t want to talk to me…. I did evrything in my will to find a way to find out what’s going on… Till we seen each other and he acted like nothin was wrong after he been avoiding me for days….. Then he told me he just needed a small break. I knew in my heart something woww was going on…. The next day I find out he is trying to get back with his ex…. Talking to other females etc……..He blames me of our separation saying that I.drove him away…..I feel so horrible ….we were getting married in Oct…..I feel crushed angry….Like why me….He said he didnt want to say that truth because I wouldnt have let go of him…….how I going to deal with this…..I been crying for 8days straight….I feel a big emtional attachment…its like my soul wants him.
    I need advice please.. 8-9year relationship is hard to let go…….and he wants me to let go…..I feel like I cant:'(

  • Kinley

    I just separated from my on again off again boyfriend whom I lived with for a year. He had a volatile temper and during the last argument we had came at me and pushed me against the wall. I had asked him to move out the day before because I found emails to a family member that said he was unhappy and wanted to move out. I know it’s time for this relationship to finally end although it still hurts so much. How can I care for someone who doesn’t treat me well?

  • Scorpio GUrl

    hai 🙁 , i dont know whether anyone listening about me or nt, but hope so i gt the attention.

    I feel too depressed past 1 year back, ol this because of the relationship i am now. 🙁 actually i am 21 years old gurl and i am working in a royal malaysian air force, and my boyfren working in air force too, after 6 months of death trainning i was posted to one of the country base in malaysia, my boy fren was there too, its natural ,we train under the sun , so i become so dark , and somemore as i got some allergic of foods, during trainning time i couldnt care about my foods properly so i got the allergic and i got a pimples on my face, i am dark and pimples somemore, this made me really crazy., but my boyfren propose me although my face like this, he loves me alot.. i accept him becayse he is so good guy. He is so good until I fall for him across the limit, i love him more than my family, its alrdy one year, can say i am from loaded family, my brother is a surgeon,another bro is a engineer and my sister is a businesswomen, i am the youngest, but my boyfren family is a very poor family, but still i like him because i dont go after his money, i only look for his love. But since last year i got a down character, i think im ugly compare to other gurls, nowdays girls likes to make up, but actual thing is i dont like to make up, i like to be natural, so everytime i luk at pretty girl i scart my boy wil go for any beauty girl, but he is not. He is still with me and never been talk about other gurl.. he always says im beautiful. 🙁 Although he never says he wants me to look pretty but i could understand by myself. I alrdy tried alot of product to remove this acnes , but not working. And nowdays i always fight with him, ask him to go and look for other girls, but he is so patienter, he jus silent everytime i say that, and let me cry, after some days he come back to me again,, and somemore i control him alot, i said he cannot watch movies alot because nowdays movies are so terrible, no good morals, alot about sex , so i scart he wil follow the negative way, I see him like baby, teach him a – z which is good which is not good, to tel frankly i am a typical gurl, i dont like to follow new trands, i like to be myself,,, but i just thinking that im too stupid 🙁 ,, i think i am not good gurl, i think i shouldn’t love that guy and torcher him like this, but i love him too much rdy,, i can say if he din tok to me or if he left me for another gurl, i wil die thinking him,,i wont suicide but i wil die thinking each seconds about him. But i dowan him to be with me also, as i wan him to deserve more good gurl…my family and his family knows about our love rdy. my family people agreed although different status. But i am the one couldnt take this .. 🙁 i think i am not suitable for him,,, i wan to keep ol his memory and die in future without marrying others. because i know i cant love anybody else more than him… i dont know what should i do :'(

  • taysmith

    I read your email and I promise you I feel ur pain after a year of me being involved with an unemployed guy whom I let into me and my childrens life cuz I thought he was good.came into my life I helped him get a job and now my services are n longer needed now that he has $$ I feel he met someone else he dosent call he lies cuts his phone off I feel so low I’m such a good person n i also feel pain when I love we have to stop settling n loving men more than we love ourselves I kno you are in pain but we can’t feel this way forever they can’t get away with breaking our hearts and then just walking away there gonna have to answert to that you have to do what I do and talk only to positive people who are sensitive to your feelings that make u feel better I even passed out the other day I feel so helpless and alone but have to be strong for my kids when one door closes another opens you will heal I’m sure your a bueatiful person in and out and he will eventually need you I promise god bless you and you will find the love you deserve in a matter of time.

  • Neo

    I broke up with my girlfriend 2 months ago or rathr she broke up wif…I can’t say but I remembr callin her sayin I love u…n she cudn’t reply n instead hung up! 2x in d 3rd tym she shouted at me..n dat was where it started… she didn’t apologize for dat Night n sum days latr we argued n she unfriended me from every social network… ******* She’s lyk d air I breath…. How do I go abt 4getn her letting go of her..cos she’s moved but I havn’t…its been tough n its already affecting my tests and exams…

  • David

    Don’t doubt yourself Nat! You left your fiance’ for good reason. I separated from my wife for 6 months and then took her back, she fooled around while separated and I didn’t. I am so miserable and feel more trapped then ever before. I love our 2 kids more then the world.

    My point is, she made me unhappy before and now it’s even worse.

    Also lost, just a bit further along 🙂

  • Natalie

    I just broke up two days ago with my fiance and my partner of 10 years, high school sweet hearts, my best friend.

    We grew apart, I was left behind.. holding the relationship together on a hope that I would get my old love back. I let him toss me aside year after year, and I guess the hurt just built up. With the wedding approaching in 7 mths it got too much and the promise of a painful future was too much.

    The pain is so hard, it hurts so much. I don’t want to leave, I love him so much, our lives are so entwined together.

    Should I be doubting myself?? I feel lost.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and lives here – I know it helps to write about letting go of someone you love! If it doesn’t help you, it definitely helps other people who are going through the same thing. When they read your comments, they feel less alone.

    This article is for Elizabeth:

    Your Ex-Boyfriend Finds You on Facebook – Should You Be Friends?

    I hope it helps, and send warm wishes to everyone.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Trina

    I have been with this older guy for almost 2 years now. The first year we had to hide our relationship because of my parents. They did not want us together at all. They found out about it and my mother was devistated. She couldn’t believe i lied to her for that long. I lost all trust with my parents. I loved him so much that i was blinded by what i was doing to my family. I still continued to see him but we argued all the time. He would go to the bars, not answer his phone and expect me to be completely fine the next day. Everything was about him and when i was hurt he appologized and it was all supposed to be better. When he was “hurt” he wouldn’t answer his phone, didn’t want to talk, break up with me. I have left him once but it didn’t last long. He has left me many times, i would want to get back together but we never did till he was ready. I found out he cheated on me and he told me on my 18 birthday. My heart was torn out and ripped up. I partied, got my mind off of it and two days later he tried talking to me. We talked for a long time and eventually got back together. I never got over it and he got mad at me for going out to parties when we were apart! He still went to the bars and didn’t talk to me and he wonders why i always think about him cheating. I wanted to leave so bad, but couldn’t. He thought i had a thing with his best friend behind his back, but i would never do that. He told me to f off and to never talk to him again. Took me almost a year to figure out if i really wanted to leave him or not and it took him 2 minutes.

  • its hard

    i was in a relationship for 4 years.. he was my soul mate , my high school sweetheart…but we broke up because i found he was talking to this other girl in senior year.. it was hard for me to understand why he have done that to me if i was good to him.. we stop talking and then months later he started texting me , calling me .. telling me he was sorry .. so i took him back.. i started being really insecure with myself and our relationship .. i feel like i was never good enough for him.. and biggest fear was loosing him.. or him going back to the girl he played me with.. i was doing things that push him away.. and my biggest fear came to true .. he started dating her .. and he inlove with her.. it hard to watch the person you love ..love someone else .. and i dont know what to do..its hard to deal with this situation.. i feel stupid for even having feelings or caring about him after what he did to me .. idk how to react ..i have so much pain inside is crazy.. i never that i would feel like for a person..i cant stop thinking about him.. i feel dumb for even caring about what happen ..when he dont even care.. ugh ..help?

  • Eugene

    I loved her so/But her feelings were not so/For that my life is in woe/To think my heart would become my greatest foe/My only option is to kill it, for this wound, I can never resow/Just so you know, youre not the only one having a hard time letting it go/Remember, if you feel those occasional tears, let them flow/Because although your love was top tier, it was only viewed as “so?”. Email me if you would like to talk: Last_Uchiha@yahoo.com

  • Elizabeth

    Hi Laurie,

    I just purchased your book on 75 ways to let go. My first love found me on Facebook after 20 years of no contact (he requested me).

    I was the one that broke up this relationship over 20 years ago due to my own insecurities (I later came to realize what a big mistake I made). I was only 18 when the break-up took place, and I know he was really hurt by it back then. There was no closure because I never told him the truth, as I was emotionally immature at the time. I did not really mean to break up with him, but when I tried to talk to him a few months after the breakup (closure), he did not want to talk to me anymore because he thought that I broke up with him to be with someone else (which was not the case). I loved him very much at the time, and I still had feelings for him after all these years – I never forgot about him but I went on with my life anyway.

    However It turns out that he still has feelings for me too, based on what he posts on his Facebook status – all pointing back to the past he had with me… I try not to pay attention, but it is very obvious. Not to mention that he invited me to attend 2 different events since finding me on FB (one being a party at his house). When I resisted, he tried to convince me to attend, though I never went. He also keeps up with all my posts and pictures on FB, even commenting “beautiful” on my pics, in which all of our mutual friends are aware of.

    We are both married, and I have kids. It seems to me like he is not happy in his marriage, but I do love my spouse. However, I feel like since accepting his friendship on Facebook, it has brought up all these strong feelings that I used to have for him so many years ago, but I’m not willing to sabotage the life that I have now, which is why I’m keeping my distance from him (FB “friend” is as far as it will go).

    Any immediate advice for my situation? (it will take me a while to read your 68 page ebook!) Thank you so much in advance.

  • Angela

    @ amanda, loosing your true love does hurt and alot is like you loose apart of you, u dont have to forget him just remember the memories remeber that if hes meant to be with you one day you will be together again, there will be other girls and guys in your life but it dont mean you have to forget your first if its meant for you matter the time or distance you guys will one day be together hes not gone if you take him in ur heart.

  • Amanda

    well this is my situation..I have 15 years old..and the boy haves 15 years old too..and I’ve never been in love before , but now i really am … 🙁 thing is that hes my first love,and im hes first love too..and we love each other so much but heres the problem, when we were about to have a relationship, he tells me that hes moving to miami,florida because hes mom is going to move there so he haves to go with her even if he doesnt want to.. Yesterday he left.. we were together few hours but then i saw him leave.. it hurts so much and I even cry alot 🙁 hes my everything honestly..Im like crying everytime i Think of him, see our pictures :'( Im so devastated we are so far away now..he told me to promise him that when im 17 or 18 , im going to go there and live there.. but im so scared that .. what if he falls inlove with another girl? if i lose him i wouldnt know what to do honestly 🙁 it hurts so damn much and it just started yesterday the pain.. and its jjust the beggining of the pain 🙁 i really really need help i dont know what to do without him :'( i wish i was 18.. :'(

  • A.D.

    THANK U THAT REALLY HELPS

    IM TRYING TO TAKE THINGS A DAY AT A TIME BUT TODAY HE SHOWED UP AT MY HOUSE AND TOLD ME SO MUCH HURTFUL STUFF THAT I CANT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND WHY HE KEEPS DOING THAT IF I DONT BOTHER HIM OR LOOK FOR HIM HE TOLD ME HE HATED ME AND THAT I NEVER MEANT NOTHING TO HIM AND IT BROKE MY HEART BUT I DONT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND IF HE HATES ME WHY KEEP SHOWING UP LIKE THIS

  • Devin

    Great quote:

    “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together.” ~ Unknown.

    I would also add this one:

    “It takes one second to say Hello, but an eternity to say Goodbye.” – Anon.

    So many people expect their relationship wounds to heal quickly, but it really does take some time, especially if it was a longer relationships. Take baby steps everyday and you’ll be fine.

  • SKYSTHELIMIT

    @SpecialK, I’d say be patience with yourself. I had a few friends that were sooo supportive, I would talk to them about him to death! (and it really helped). I also made a list during those early stages of all the things that he did (indirectly or directly) that was hurtful. It made me look at it from a third person in a way. After writing it all down and re reading it time to time, I couldn’t believe I stayed around for so long. It was therapeutic : )

    At the beginning of this process it was very hard, but it has got easier every single day with my confidence sawing. I would be a liar if I didn’t admit to you that there are still times when thoughts of him and fun times do surface but I’m no longer angry for thinking them thoughts or wishing things were different because it is perfectly normal that I would miss someone I loved but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be because he didn’t love or respect me.

  • Dav

    I am going through this painful process of letting go my ex-gf of 1 year. It’s difficult and hurtful when someone you love deeply, think about all the time and constantly missing just stop talking without any reasons. We had an argument the week before. She accused me of being insensitive because I was spening time with my family who were in town for a holiday. I tried to get in touch but she wouldn’t pick my calls up. She just stopped! and told me she doesn’t want to see/hear/talk to me again. Asked her repeatedly why. No response. I left because I thought it was the only thing I can do. I cannot force someone to love me and the last thing I want is to cause her any more hurt. But I am hurting so bad myself not knowing what happened between us. I trying to just move on with my life. But I keep coming back to this question – What happened?? I’ve been having sleepless nights thinking about all the different possibilities. Perhaps it’s something I’ve said or done or didn’t do. And how can she just switch me off? It baffles me how she can behave like that without a warning, without talking and with no goodbyes.

  • Tracey

    A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world. Something I wanted to share with you while I’m alone in my head. Letting go is a process that takes time. Why should I feel guilty? Its plain to see I ain’t being myself. Time heals all wounds I suppose…. I sure have a lot to think about these next few weeks.

  • Specialk

    Skysthelimit: No your definitely not the only one, and I am happy to hear that you are finally doing better though. I read your post and could instantly relate so I had to ask. I am going through what you described and it’s been a difficult process for me. I just want my life back, I want to go back to the happy outgoing person I usually am but I feel like a part of me is missing and it sucks. I don’t know how to convince my heart to just let go:( Any suggestions?

  • SKYSTHELIMIT

    @Specialk

    Hi SpecialK, The male in question wasn’t called Blake. Although I do feel alot better I’m not the only one in the world with such a story!

  • brokenlullabye

    well i met this guy about five years ago i ended up pregnant and he started living with another girl after a year that this happened me and him stared talking we were both single we stared dating he was wonderful three months later we got our own place my son loves him so much everything was ok after a few moths money stared missing i found out he was doing drugs i kept forgiving him but it just got worse he began to hit me choke me offend me in everyway possible he would find any way to fight so when the weekend came around he would leave and i kept forgiving him,,about two weeks ago we finally broke up after almost two years i really miss me so much but i got so tired of always being the one to say sorry i tried everything i would wake up at five to make lunch breakfast and always had a clean house had dinner made and his clothes ready in the bathroom, he would drink all weak but no matter what i did things wouldnt get better i looked for help so i could learn to live with a drug addict , at the end everything i did we still broke up , i look around and i see him my son misses him and all i want to do is forget him, ever since we broke up he calls and txt and says hurtful stuff and i feel like he never loved me it hurts so bad what can i do someone help

  • Specialk

    Hey Skysthelimit, I hate to have to ask this but oddly enough I came across this blog and our situations sound really similar. Is his name Blake by any chance? If so we should really talk.

  • SKYSTHELIMIT

    I wrote on this page about 9 months ago and I promise your life will get better

    I deeply loved a man that disrespected my feelings in sooo many ways. Strung me along whilst taking numerous women on dates, holidays you name it. Treated me like some emotional crutch: confessing he liked me and another woman the same. He was ridiculously moody and enjoyed calling me childish names, just a total disregard of my feelings. It came to the point where I had to choose my happiness over everything else. I can laugh now but the only way I can explain that turning point was that I just woke up one day, saw some message he said publicly about perhaps contemplating being single for a while and I snapped and cut him out of my life. Have not spoken to him since.

    After nearly a year, I feel a better and wiser version of my old self, bursting with laughter and fun! I don’t have any bitterness towards him. There’s still times where I miss him and I want to have one of our chats but what stops me is to remember all the thoughtless things he did to me.

    I honestly think a man that truly cares for you would never dream of hurting you. A Friend, Lover or soulmate who really values you would never want to risk losing you, especially through something of their control.

  • klee

    TO: Josh D
    Do you know what it’s like losing someone close to you? I got heartbroken when my father died I didn’t want to believe anyone who came up to me and told me he gone. I didn’t want to believe anyone when my x boyfriend died because he hung himself but as soon as I realized they were gone for good I let everything go. I lost friends. I let my grades drop. I thought it was a complete end till I met you everything went from horrible to good. You gave me hope and encouragement to continue and leave the past behind me. You made me happy again. What happened to that? I have no clue. I was falling for you and then that one night changed everything. It seemed you didn’t care about me anymore you didn’t love me anymore and you might have started crazy rumors bout that night. What do I hear from you while I try to explain what has been going on right I should have never dumped you that you were sorry. You didn’t know how much pain that it has been hearing crazy things. I thought I heard you say u didn’t want to hurt me well you must have gave up trying to make sure that you wouldn’t. You were the best thing I could ever want in my life but now it feels like I just lost you too.
    I LOVE YOU JOSH

  • still broken

    a terrible story once was great but became a travesty, a story of two people deeply in love planning their whole lifes together speaking as if it would never end, i loved her more then life itself and to this day i would still die for her it was a love like i have never felt even from the very begging people doubted us but we stayed strong for five and half years i had come to believe that she would be the one i went to my death bed on she was my very breath my life my world, but i got sick not bodily sick but mentally i developed a lot of problems this was the begging of the end i drug her threw six or seven months of a hell i cant even imagine not physically but i was very with drawn and very depressed talking and even trying to commit suicide once i was bad and to this day i wish this would have never happened but the point is we survived it i got treatment i got better but it was to late the damage had been done six or seven months later the end came it was as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest i no longer knew who are what i was what to do where to go from that point i still dont, i still think about her to this day i still cry about her some times not very often but i do i cant seem to let her go but she has more then moved on she cut off contact about four or five months ago saying it was too awkward and weird for us to stay friends which also broke my heart but threw a mutual friend i know that she has had a boy friend since two weeks after we broke up and thats why she cut off contact so yeah the sad sad im pathetic truth is its almost been a year since we broke up and im still there im still on that apartment floor begging her not to do this i havent left there im better ive even dated a couple of people since then but those didnt work which brought it all back to surface i thought only thought i had moved on little did i know there you go there it is you will never leave this place, there never was negative for me to go oh well im better off without her no thats all on her end so i have nothing this does not help and i dont really care any more good bye and good night i am done telling this crazy mindset of mine. love foreverxhersx

  • troubled heart

    my trouble is with a abusive man that l love to death but know deep down that he”s cheating and hearting…physical mentally, and emotionaly,,,l konw that l need to leave him but l dont know how because l love him so much..and a afraid that it mite not turn out right anybody with advise please give it to me….

  • kumar

    hi sir/mam
    i am having one best friend from the past 9 years .I love her very much but we are having caste problem so i have dropped and even i didn’t her that i am loving . Now she is telling that we should not talk .I don’t know the exact reason. now she is talking with other guy who is best friend of mine.i am unable to control my self even though i am telling her not to talk she is keeps on talking with him atleast for 12 to 13 hrs a day.please give me a suggestion what to do now whether to continue with my friendship or should i drop or tell her parents that she is busy with some other person..

  • Learning to let go

    My story of lost love is probably not so uncommon. It is a beautiful love story about a wonderful man who swept the love of his life of her feet. It is a story about a man who for two years, remained her best friend, who nursed her through heartaches, who debated her sexuality when she thought she was gay, it is a story about a man who knew the first moment he laid eyes on her that she is the one. But it is also a story of pain and sorrow. It is a story of two people who loved each other more than life itself and at the end they paid the ultimate price. They both lost themselves in this love. And today, after many tears, after many sorrows, after many sleepless nights, after many hollow days, after many hours of staring into the abyss, we are both healing. But there is one scar that will always remain open, the love shared between our souls. Time does heal, but time waits for no one…..

    Good luck to all of you out there, those who are looking for love, and those who are looking to get rid of love, those that are mending from love and above all those who love….

  • vegazzchik65

    I just let go of someone I love. We have been dating off and on for 2-1/2 yrs. The first few months were wonderful…then he disappeared. Six months later, we reconnected and dated exclusively for 8-1/2 months. Four months into that 8-1/2 months he said he did not want a girlfriend or a “relationship,” but I assumed that’s what we were…he called me a “companion.” I blew up but continued seeing him until he dumped me saying he just doesn’t feel the way he should after this long, it’s me, not you, I don’t see us ever being serious, blah blah blah. Then I find out a month later he’s seeing someone else who he had been seeing two weeks after he dumped me. I was so hurt. Then thanks to old Facebook he puts up he’s in a relationship with the new girl. I see all the pics and all the things they are doing together. Made me so upset. Then after 5 months, they break up. I heard all they did was drink and fight and she wanted to get married. She was obsessed with him from the get-go and very much infatuated with him. He had been married 3 times already and was never getting married again. I guess when he told her that she flipped out. She even tried to kill herself when he broke up with her one of many times. Anyways, who calls me after they break up? Him…and I took him back like a dumb ass. But the vibe was never the same, never like before. And he still didn’t want a girlfriend or relationship. Thought he maybe was regretting dumping me and wanted to try the boyfriend/girlfriend with me this time. Nope…same old crap. So I finally told him a few weeks ago I didn’t want to see him anymore. He had nothing to say. Then he texted me last week…I responded the next night. Saw him the next night and now tonight I texted him I have to go no contact on him cuz I love and care for him and he doesn’t feel the same. He asked if I was okay and said sorry. I told him I will be fine. All I have to say is he is losing the best woman he has ever met according to his track record. But it is him who has the issues. Never have been in this situation before where I was with someone for that long and they didn’t feel the same. It became a challenge to me in the end to try and figure out why he wouldn’t take the next step with me. It got to be ridiculous and I was letting him use me just so I could see him and spend some time with him. No more…I have to let him go and not see or talk to him for whoever knows how long. It’s for my sake and sanity…it’s going to be hard, but I can’t be stressed like this anymore. I had to set him free…

  • lynn

    I’m a married woman who has been in an affair w anothoer married man for almost three years. Now before u go and judge me as a evil person a mean person a jerk..stop right there.. I am none of those..I know in my heart of hearts I am a king good and honest person. I was married for over twenty years. Have two great kids. And gave all to my marriage. To a man who was controlling. He didn’t beat or hit me but money was controlled. My opinion was controlled. Was tonot allowed to have a voice in the marriage on anything money,child raising….basicly was there to clean and look pretty. I started affair w other man. He told me things I always wanted to hear he made me feel wonderful appreciated .he told me he wanted more with me more than just a wonderful afternoon. I would always say to this man…”Please please if u don’t want more than what we have tell me we will end the affair….please be honest because we both have children…we have to be honest. He sworehe felt the same towards me wanted a life. To make a long story short. We got caught in our affair.which we both knew we would. his wife brought it to the surface. He went back. We continued to see each other for a whole nother year after being caught. I left my marriage my home is now currently lifing on my own. He continued to stay married.his wife knowing were seeing each other . He sleeping on the couch in his home.( yes its true cause I looked for myself drove up to the house early in morn an peeked in). I know , I know crazy right. Now this man is staying w his father who is elderly and sick and he is staying with him at night. But he left under the premise of his wife and two sons thinkin he is staying with their grandfather. He tells me he’s not going back to his house….but finanacially. Legally everything is the same for him. I’m not happy he says he loves me wants a life w me. But I cry everyday . I feel so lost . Confused angry hurt. I feel I have done my part and he is side stepping, dragging everyone thru a emotional hurt. Please respond back. I tell this man I’m not happy the way things r. Why can’t we start a life together

  • bochang

    3 weeks ago i asked my exbf to set me free..our relationship was neither bad nor working…it was as if getting to nowhere. we havent seen each other for almost 9 mos to consider that i was just 60 miles away from him. 3 months prior to the break up i usually got irritated when he kept on saying that he loved because it was too cold to feel it..go back to the breakup he asked me if i had a new one. i answered none. i explained him why and i said to him that i felt like i was like an option to you and you are taken me for granted blah blah blah…the next morning and until now he never communicated me.. i sent him a message a week a after saying i was sorry and how im guilty of what happened but i still sticked from my decision to let go of me..i cried almost everyday convincing myself that i was too stupid not hold on hoping that things would work out..but my determination took me not to ask him back.. now…i am okay…my life is still without excitement but its getting uncomplicated…as i looked back from my past relationships i always feel of something was wrong…i was a liberated as a b*tch but when the patient of our group case study died from breast cancer my life has been gone to the other side.. i found myself crying asking the Holy Spirit of my Creator to cleanse my heart from immoralities..i never told my boyfriend that i need him to set me free because it is what i ask to God..instead i pretended that he was the problem… do i still need to feel guilty?? i havent heard any about him since then..

  • Beth

    I been married to my husband for 28 years he likes to drink at home and then he ask me to go out with him for a drink and so we did did at a bar he went out for a smoke and. I was wainting for him to come back in the bar but he left me there by my self tell me is that bad or what he hurt me so much.. what should I do live him how cruel.

  • Ron

    I had a bestfriend since I was a kid who much later became my first girlfriend. Our relationship lasted 3 years and then exactly one year ago she left for Canada. We broke up but we still had strong feelings for each other. We continued to keep in touch and we still loved each other very very much. She told me that she would come back for christmas because she missed me a lot. Some times later she found a new job and met with a guy who used her loneliness and grief to take advantage of her and become her friend with benefits. He used her and got her all confused and made her doubt about her feelings for me. During that time, I was telling her how much I loved her and how I miss her but each time she would tell me to stop talking about those things with her because she is all confused. Then 3 months later, after he took her virginity, he got bored and left her. She got depressed and even though she told me that she no longer loved me, I kept contact with her and tried to cheer her up to the best of my abilities. You cannot imagine how hard it was for me to mend her heart while I was still in love with her but yet could not tell her how much I love her.

    Two weeks ago she got a new boyfriend, a real boyfriend not just a friend with benefits. Since then she no longer keeps in touch with me. She sent me one last text to tell me that she has a new boyfriend but that I will always be her best friend. But then she completely stopped texting me.

    I know that I should let go of her because she no longer loves me (or so she says) but I simply cannot. I have no friends, no siblings, absentee parents and she was the only person who was there for me. I realise that she also suffered as much as me or maybe even more than me and I know that she is now happy with whoever she is. But my heart still tells me that this is not her real self and that deep down she stills loves me and she is trying to forget me because she can no longer cope with us being separated. But the fact remains that right now, out of our beautiful story of love and friendship, there is nothing that remains and it hurts like hell.

  • Cindy

    mine is over my brother in law D who drinks all the time and is in denial that he has a problem. For whatever reason I have never liked him because what I saw was a lazy person who did not want to work. My sister M always makes excuses for him when he is rude and will not speak when we use to visit their home, but loves my husband and sons. I don’t know what I ever did to him to cause him to act this way. For example you get up in the morning and say good morning or ask him a direct question and he pretends he does not hear you. Anyway last year they moved to Washington he posted a comment on his FB page. I left a comment that I felt it was sappy anyway he got so enraged at me he blocked me. I ended up changing his password on him anyway my sister does not speak to me any longer, she is my friend on Facebook but we do not talk, she has not called in 7 months. She said she forgives which I can understand they would be mad I suppose. I apologized and really meant it. If it had been anyone else they would have let it go (I think it is him) he deletes anything I post on my sisters page. I blocked him I just do NOT like him at all. He calls himself the cabana boy he stays home and cooks and drinks all day while my sister works her a… off which is their business, she has said she would like it if he would get a job but he refuses (he retired after 20 something years at Chrysler which he worked as little as possible, he opted to get out early in his 40’s and has refused to work since) Anyway this situation really hurts it is my fault that I changed his password to mess with him but it’s not like he did not get into his account (1 min actually) I think its an excuse for him to keep me away from my sister and she apparently goes along with it 🙁 We were always close. She now drinks all the time, does not call, does not write. I don’t know if I should just delete her as a friend. She talks to my children and best friend what is that? They came home to Michigan in Feb the whole family was invited but us I found out via Facebook, she says she forgives but it is obvious she does not. I am sorry, I did not steal or commit murder you’d think I did. I just want to get over this and move on it’s not that easy…

  • Cindy

    mine is over my brother in law D who drinks all the time and is in denial that he has a problem. For whatever reason I have never liked him because what I saw was a lazy person who did not want to work. My sister M always makes excuses for him when he is rude and will not speak when we use to visit their home, but loves my husband and sons. I don’t know what I ever did to him to cause him to act this way. For example you get up in the morning and say good morning or ask him a direct question and he pretends he does not hear you. Anyway last year they moved to Washington he posted a comment on his FB page. I left a comment that I felt it was sappy anyway he got so enraged at me he blocked me. I ended up changing his password on him anyway my sister does not speak to me any longer, she is my friend on Facebook but we do not talk, she has not called in 7 months. She said she forgives which I can understand they would be mad I suppose. I apologized and really meant it. If it had been anyone else they would have let it go (I think it is him) he deletes anything I post on my sisters page. I blocked him I just do NOT like him at all. He calls himself the cabana boy he stays home and cooks and drinks all day while my sister works her a… off which is their business, she has said she would like it if he would get a job but he refuses (he retired after 20 something years at Chrysler which he worked as little as possible, he opted to get out early in his 40’s and has refused to work since) Anyway this situation really hurts it is my fault that I change his password to mess with him but it’s not like he did not get into his account (1 min actually) I think its an excuse for him to keep me away from my sister and she apparently goes along with it 🙁 We were always close. She now drinks all the time, does not call, does not write. I don’t know if I should just delete her as a friend. She talks to my children and best friend what is that? They came home to Michigan in Feb the whole family was invited but us I found out via Facebook, she says she forgives but it is obvious she does not. I am sorry, I did not steal or commit murder you’d think I did. I just want to get over this and move on it’s not that easy…

  • Mykel

    I and my girl just break up some weeks ago she told me a guy want her hand in marriage because i got no money to offer her a marriage now i got no choice i have to let her go

  • Peggy

    My boyfreind and I have been broken up now for a month. I moved out of the home we shared. He told me again for the fourth time in our two yr relationship that he wanted to go back to his ex wife But I didnt have to move out right away you know. He would give me time to figure it out. Really? He slept with his ex at least twice that i know of. Told me he didnt love her. But he needed to go back. Told me he doesnt love me anymore. Said he did. but not anymore. But yet we find reasons to see each other. Or at least i find reasons to see him. But he told me on sat he no longer wants to see me again. I love and miss him soooo much.

  • Hopelessly Romantic

    it’s bin a month that i lost my bf..he broke up with me..on the phone..it is just very hard to move on..i tried to be angry with him and show to him that he’s no one. but at this point, it is very hard. he is a part of my future..i thot he values me a lot! how could anyone be so harsh and just end it easily? i have no regrets for the 3 years that i spent time with him but what hurts is the thot that u spend all ur time to kip him, to be there when he nids u anyday, anytime! but could anyone be so cruel and insensitive? now, he’s communicating and still protective of me and yet we’re no longer together…is he trying to make me feel better by communicating? it doesn’t help, really…i thot he’s a person that u can trust and be there but i was wrong..anyone can really just drop u, just like that..it is difficult to determine as to how important u are to a person. it’s just that all of a sudden, for him, it’s gone and that’s it. i try to make myself busy but his face pops up every time.i feel the rejection bubbling down inside me..and it’s a long process..denial, anger, depression and acceptance..i am not sure if indeed time heals all wounds..it is just too heavy to carry for now..when u feel like you’re the only one that has not moved on…i wish if there’s a way to make it a little easier..forget everything, the guy and the pain…and instead to be just hopeful..how can i be positive in such a negative situation that I am in now? a lot of things have been going on in my mind the past days..i still can’t believe that anyone can hurt me this much…

  • Ana

    If this is supposed to help I guess i’ll try anything…To begin I am not proud of myself. Not even a little bit. I was going through the pains of losing someone I loved. My relationship with let’s just call him “Mark” meant the world to me. We were together for years before we broke up and our break up was very ugly. Neither of us could move on. It took two years for him to finally demote me from being his best friend and “most important, first choice girl.” When he did I was crushed. I started sleeping around with lots of men. One of those men I met on vacation. I guess you would describe him as a romantic that would say and do anything…he treated me like the most beautiful girl on earth for about a week (yes seriously). Then I started sleeping with high profile kind of guys I met via my work. One of them got me pregnant. Of course, I know which one. However, he was cruel about it. He didn’t want to have to take any responsibility so he just pushed me till I had an abortion. He even got his friends to bully me around and call/text and insult me. A few weeks after the abortion, I was still a mess of a human being and for some reason (yes I was intoxicted and high) I thought of that lovely, very attractive man that I had the fling with. I called him and told him I was still pregnant, I was sure it was his, and I would be having an abortion the next day. Of course, the fake father was relieved. He went from totally absorbed with me to not wanting to talk to me within a week…maybe it was out of venge, and cruel, but he helped me get through it for a week or two. The “help me get through it part” was total fiction, but I was just drawn to him, and he was kind enough so I went with it because truthfully there wasn’t any other man in my life that would. I lived the lie. We stopped talking abruptly because he did question me a bit and I had so much guilt and shame from my abhorrent behavior with him. Many months…over a year…later I found myself reeling from the death of another boyfriend. This boyfriend reminded me of…let’s just call him “Dave”…the young man I met on vacation and blamed for my pregnancy. However, the new guy, the one that passed away was only with me for a little over a month and he was an undiagnosed manic/depressive with a serious drinking probably. I noticed these problems within two weeks of knowing…again let’s just call him “Scott”…so I broke things off with “Scott” as quickly as I could. Unfortunately Scott then went off the deep end and ended up killing himself. At this point I was in a new city in a grad school program and I didn’t have a friend in the world that was within a 1,000 miles of me. I dealt with Scott’s death without tact, grace, or accpetance. I heard him kill himself to say the least. Months into seeking help for trauma I found myself again desperate and obsessing over “Dave.” I had reached out to may people but again (for some reason) I made up a lie to talk to Dave after a long night of crying. I told Dave I was ill and may have cancer that could effect my ability to have children. It’s all so awful. Two days after I mentally grasped what I had done again…I immediately promised myself I would stop lying. I couldn’t tell Dave the truth though.. I’m too much a coward, so I just decided not to reach out to him again. To suck up the shame of being such a lying, manipulative horror of a person. Now two weeks later he reached out to me again asking how I was. I tried not responding but I later about 10 hrs I lost control. I wanted to talk to him. The place where we met, the night that we met, the week I spent in his part of the country was intoxicaingly different for me. I loved it there even before I meeting “Dave.” The weather, the culture, the quaintness. It was amazing and then I met this guy and I was totally sold, done, ready to move there…not for him just to recapture that feeling. So like I said I texted him back…it was short, didn’t give much info, and I tried to lie a little less. I thanked him for checking in and asked how he was doing. Two days later he has never responded. Part of me is so happy because being like this is sickening. I do not want to hurt anyone and I will admit my behavior with “Dave” is a desperate scream for attention, any attention. Nontheless, I’ve been trying to avoid my thoughts, stupidly I wondered, if he texted me back because maybe he cares for me too…in a more than platonic way, but really I just want to let it go. I want to forgive myself for the terrible things I’ve done and I want to be able to live a life without the selfishness, desperation, and regret that I am currently wearing all over me. In my head this behavior is unforgivable. I know that this all screams…I need serious help…and I do go to counseling, but these past few days I have not even been able to look myself in the mirror. I’m even thinking it may be time to find Jesus, not that I think religion or Christianity is bad or beneath me or anyone, I just have never been able to make myself believe. Either way I will be reading your posts and maybe just sharing this will bring me some peace. Thank you…

  • gutsy fellow

    Mine a very pathetic case. I am a college boy. From the initial stage, i had my best friend. She was very nice to me. As the time passed, we two was somewhat very close and i didnot give damn care to others. Spending time and having fun was our daily schedule. But later, other boy began to like her. She finally had boyfriend. From that day, our friendship begun to rust. Finally it decayed. She left me alone. I am in such a worst situation coz i when i was with her, i didnot care for others but now noone would care about me.She betrayed me so badly for many times that i don’t want to call her a friend eventhough i had to be alone till my college. For her, i also betrayed my other true friends and now they don’t believe in me. I am truely left alone in the middle of the college life where noone to talk and noone to admire. What should i do? Please help.

  • Hannah Mae Tidalgo

    He is my childhood friend, bestfriend and so called lover. Right now we are in a relationship at a WRONG TIME since he is in a relationship with another girl. I know we love each other its just that he cant easily break up with the girl because that girls sustained him financially before and he cant swallow his pride. Now we are in our 2 months of relationship but it keep bothering my mmind because it is really wrong. I’m afraid to break up with him because i have been his inspiration in changing himself and pursuing in his studies. But still it is wrong. Some of my friends suggest about cool off or breakup even if it hurts a lot.He needs to make a choice just to test if he really love me. Help me to get trough with this. I want to break up with him in a way that he will understand everything that we will remain friends and for him to realize and make some choice. God knows that i did my best to stay in this relationhip even if its wrong and i think this time it is his part to fix his problems.

  • Diwa

    My case isn’t probably as bad as the others. We’ve only been together for 8 months. He was actually everything for me. I loved him more than anything and for some reason, I wanted to get back with him even after everything we’ve both done to each other. But i guess it’s a good thing he was smart enough to say that it’s both hurting us and that we needed to end it. He really is a great guy, but i guess feelings do change and the person that you thought you’d be with forever and that promised you that everything will work out would just change their mind. But i need to accept this. I need to accept the fact that he’s moving on. I need to accept the fact that he found new girls. I need to accept that fact the he’s gone and that he won’t be coming back. I’ve created this wall in my heart to protect myself from hurting. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I know too much of anything is bad, so i might end up hurting myself if i just protect myself too much. I just hope everything will get better already. I just hope that this won’t happen again because i really can’t take the pain. It hurts. A lot. I loved him so much. I never knew i would love a person that much before. I just hope everything will get better soon and that I’ll find a guy who would actually love me even i have a lot of flaws. I just hope to God that a guy that’s everything i wanted would come to me. I just don’t want this pain anymore.

  • yash

    i in love with her for 3 years she is my 1st love …..nowadays she is gvng her whole attention to her studies and she take out time for me but i know that she is doing these things for our future bt still i cant get myself out of the life we used to live…i love her most i cant live a single second of my life without her feelng……i just want to live my present better cauz i think if she is wid me i wuld be so much satisfied and happy too…sometimes she bcome my enemy bt eventually i cnt deny her love…….what to do? ??

  • russ

    ok this is really hard to do as i’m most likely going to sound bad here but i met my lady jan 06 at first i thought i mest up i had a friend dropped me off in a big town she picked me up she had a amazing lil girl an the best baby boy in the world with in weeks i fell in love with them everything changed but the time leadin up to this i was’t sure so being truthful i did’t just tell her what i thought she wanted to hear i would come to her place an her lil girl would run up an hollar let me hold you when she wanted to be picked up the baby would cry wanting to stay with me when she went to work an she was amazing an very beautiful she was only the 5th lady i had been with an we would talk all night but there is alot i did’t know at the time i could’t let go i still think bout her everyday now i work in that big city i’ve tried to talk to her but she hurts me saying i’m bsing an calling me dude so i end up blowing up now shes married an even has a new baby i try to move on i’ve had plenty of ladies over the past 6 years but i find i’m still missing her when we did part ways she i went to her place an some wanna be drug dealing thug came over she wanted him there so i walked away but he would’t stop texting me so it all blew up from there it was the first time i been broken like that i did’t know what to do so i showed her i could be a low life i started drinking smokin doing pills calling her tried to tell her anything that may get her back yeah i lied to her called her a bitch a few times witch was a very big no no to her i thought maybe if she an i did’t talk it would be easyer but it was’t then i found i would want to know how her an the kids are if they needed anything an while i have moved on i find my love for her is as strong today as it was in 06 now all the drinking an drugs have stopped back in aug 06 i woke up one morning an did’t like where i was in my life so i went back to work an started doing the things i loved befor her an still feel like i have something missing with in myself i have had dreams of sleeping beside her an saying to myself i’m home in my sleep now i do have a normal life i dont run around with my head down i have goals an i’m working to get them done i’m a good guy will help anyone out if i can i dont wish anything but for her but to be happy but do sometime wonder if there is something wrong with me how can i i have such a strong love for someone that hates me so i would to this day do anything an give up everything for this lady its so crazy there is not one thing i can think of i would’t do i really wanna an need to get over this 6 years ago we was’t even together long at all an like i said i have been with meny women since then an it just has’t worked befor her the best way to get over someone was to find a new someone but its not working i feel like i lost my famly or something an i know she thinks i’m a nut as i’m starting to wonder myself but i keep trying to find that someone new that will replace her an really dont think this will help me now everyone that reads will think wat a crazy stupid azz an prob poor girl as for ladies they’ll hope an pry they never meet me i’m sure but really it was the first time i ever really loved thought i loved befor then but this was true love

  • Kristie

    I don’t really have a past in relationships; I’ve never had one. I like to say, just for fun, I’ve been single for 14 years. But I’ve had my fair share of “crushes” where I thought I had strong feelings for a guy, and I eventually realized how in the wrong I was. I was still hurt when the guy didn’t feel the same way, but I was also always relieved afterwards. Like, for some reason I never felt like I was ready for the pressures of a legitimate relationship. And I kind of still feel that way, but I’m also in a sticky situation at the moment.
    I’ve known this guy for like 10 years, he goes to my church, went to my elementary school, and lives right down the road from me. I know quite a bit about him. I’ve liked him on and off but it was never anything serious. I mean, I was in kindergarten haha it’s petty to even think about. But now, we’re in 9th grade together, and it’s complicated. At first it was just nice to talk to him again, as friends. We caught up… kind of. On the first day of school it was like I had just talked to him the day before… and every day before that. It wasn’t like we hadn’t talked for 3 years at all. Like a conversation picked up from where we left off. I mean, I saw him in church and Sunday school but we never had a legit conversation.
    He has a girlfriend, which I’m not too sure if he’s serious about or not. They’ve been together for like 7 or 8 months I think. But he’s said how bored he is; onetime my friend told him she didn’t think they’d be together long and he just said “Yeah”, so I have no idea. I feel, something, I don’t know what it is. I like him, I think, but it’s different. I don’t feel completely on edge around him, I can talk to him and I’m mostly comfortable around him… mostly. The other guys I “liked” I would get crazy crazy butterflies around to the point where I wouldn’t even talk to them. They seem insignificant to me now though.
    He’s just so talented, he’s amazing at a lot of things, and he can be really sweet when he wants to be I guess. I mean he’s not perfect he can be a bit of a jerk but I look past that sometimes. He’s funny and he likes a lot of old music which I do too, and it’s hard to find anyone who appreciates that kind of music. I don’t know, I just feel like, we get each other. It’s weird. I don’t know how this stuff works; inexperienced here.
    But today, we were on the bus and I guess he and his girlfriend were kissing, I don’t know I wasn’t looking back there, but I heard some guys saying stuff like “Get to second base” to him. I felt so, angry I guess. I was curling my toes in my shoes and tried to keep a smile on my face. But the more I tried to stop thinking about the more I felt like crying. I don’t know why I felt so strongly, I just did. I was angry, really sad, and confused as to why I was angry and sad.
    I feel really guilty though; because I don’t necessarily WANT to like him. He HAS a girlfriend, and I’m not into messing up relationships; not that I could anyway. I’m just so confused about this. It feels good to rant though. :/

  • Scarlet

    I was with someone for almoust 2 years.. We broke up about 5 months ago.. And I still get so choked up when I think of just the little things.. I still miss him every single day, He won’t even talk to me.. But I wish there was something I could do to at least feel the slightest bit better.

  • ashley

    Im in the same boat as alot of people. I started dating my ex 2 years ago after we both cheated on our others. I knew this was a huge red flag but ignored it because i felt something for her that ive never felt before. I felt an intensity like no other with her. So, things were great whe we did start dating exclusively. For 6 months i was living a dream. Then, like a swith, she shut down and started giving me the cold shoulder. No sex, no contact, very rarely responding to my advances. eventually we broke up. after 2 weeks of heavy drinking and whoring around, she came running back and i took her back. Things were great again for months and thena ll of a sudden she flipped the switch again and we broke up. She hooked up with some scumbag bartneder while we were broken up even though i was still trying to work things out. it wasnt until she caught wind of me and another girl that she came running back again. I took her back and things were great again for months. Then… the switch. only this time she cheated on me when were were still together. We are broken up now. I expect and somewhat hope her to come back but i know in my mind that i need to quit her because she is no good. Im trying to gather the strength to do it becasuse i love her with all my heart and truly believe we are soulmates. But i have to move on. its killing me and i actually feel guilty that the cheated on me. Thats crazy and i know it. Thats how i know i have to do this even though its killing my soul. I guess we will see

  • stronghearted

    I was with this guy for two years. We had everything in common all the way to family values. The kind of love were two people finish each others sentences. But it just wasn’t enough to save our relationship. He’s never been direpectful to my knowledge, I mean not in front of me. Never abusive always gentle when he talk to me or my kids. I feel like he was still in love with his ex-wife only because he always question me about talking to my kids father.I had no problem with them talking cause I was gone to talk to their father too. I never could let it go so I endd of letting him go before I end up getting hurt. To my surprise I was right. After breaking up with him I soon found out that he had in fact gotten back with her.I didn’t know whether to be relieved,pissed off or hurt. Well I soon found out it was all of the above. It’s been 3 months and it still feel like it was yesterday. I still go on with my day to day life but i know its still there.I LOVED HIM SO MUCH!!!!The sad part about it is I still do. I want to not love him but i can’t control my heart. I hold to knowing that this will not last forever the pain will go away. I cant wait until i don’t love him anymore because then i won’t think of him good or bad.

  • naeem

    I had to break up with my girlfriend I was with for about a year she meant the world to me but I still am unsure about what all happened I sill blame myself but she just stopped caring and became so busy with her life we never had any time to talk I was lucky if she even responded to a text message after a few days saying “Hey” I believe she lied to me about being busy all the time and was just trying to avoid me.. she never had any time for us to talk for en entire month of barely speaking or seeing each other She didn’t care that what she was doing was hurting me she would say sorry and not do anything to make it better and she would go right back to same behavior that hurts me until I had to break up with her because I knew that I deserved better than to be treated like this but I sill miss her like hell more like the old her the one that cared I don’t know what happened she always refused to talk about problems or to fix things she just stood there while I was in pain. I was all alone in the relationship

  • Livhuwani Lukhwareni

    I have been in a relationship with my GF for over 5 years now,I Love her more than anything in this world,we have broken up a lot of time for differnent reason such that I don’t if I can ever seperate myself from her,2 years after we wr in the relationship,she cheated and she fell pregnent and she came and said that it was my child,I always knew that I wasn’t the one who impregnented her but when she came and told me that she was preg,my Love for her wouldn’t let me let go of her and I was also scared that what if the baby is mine.i was there when she gave birth,I looked after there baby when she was still small,I supported the baby,I did more than what other fathers can ever do,me and the baby bonded so 6 months after the baby was born,she came out with it that the baby wasn’t mine,I was devastated,hurt and confused,I didn’t know what to do with myself,I Love the bby more than anything in this world,I would die for her,I tried to put it behind me and move on as if none had happened,we continued as a couple then three to four months after that,I found out that she went out with the biological father and the baby to some resturant,I was hurt again and again I put it behind me since she was saying she loves me and that she still wants to continue with me,now after 5 years and months of a relationship,I find out on facebook that she telling the father that she loves him and that she wants him to come and be the father of the baby. I don’t know what to do,she told me that she’s been tlaking with him and sending him photos and text messeges. I Love her so much and I Love the baby even more,I Love them more than anything in this world,I don’t know what to do with myself,I just can’t let go.

  • John

    i work with this woman it was love at first sight i asked her on a date Dec of 2010 she could kill me with her smile even today when I close my eyes I see that smile but we basis much in common it was crazy but we kinda stop talking after that date but we still flirt with each other like crazy I still chased her like crazy finally she gave me a shot we started daten August 2 2011 and it was amazing everytime we kissed it was like the first time we kissed everytime and it was going good and let me say she older than me and had two kids and separated and the week of vallitimes she started acting weird then I finally just asked what was wrong she said she dont think I am the best man for her kids because I was younger and had no kids but she says she still loves me I am the best guy she has ever dated and then she told me she dont want to break up with me but she is doing this for her kids and the said she is getting back with her kids dad for them and it has been a month and I still love her and i no everytime they are fighting cause she plays me like a Texas tornado I no its wrong I cant help I fall for but I no I ain’t a home recker so I no i will never get back with as long as she is with him but i think bout her every moment of the day I need help i even started daten around and when I am on a date I think bout her on the date help!!!!!!!

    • DeVaughn

      Everyday I see more and more stories and I feel compelled to add my two cents and offer a bit of advice.

      To John: From experience, I have to tell you that you made the mistake of dating someone you work with. The end results are usually if not always disastrous, and the fact that she has children should have been a bit of a red flag for you to stop perusing this woman.

      Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying women with children are evil in some kind of way, but I am saying that women like that are prone to moving from one man to the next more often than the norm.

      They aren’t necessarily looking for someone to make them happy as apposed to providing very well for their children. So in this case your wallet has a lot to do with how long you will be around.

      Always keep you business and personal miles apart. The less people know about you in the business environment the more likely you will become the boss of the company later down the road. A relationship can not only hurt you physically, mentally, and emotionally. It can also hurt you financially.

      To Josh:

      Unfortunately this woman you fell in love with is extremely self centered which is not a flaw, but it’s a clear sign that these type of people are not relationship material. My suggestion is if you want this woman in your life simply ignore her. This sends a signal to her that says simply that you have much better things to do. It can be very tempting to fall in love quickly, but it’s best if they actually EARN that love first. This will save you from a lot of heartache in the future.

      To Livhuwani:

      5 years is a very long time to be in a relationship, and I must admit I was impressed until you told me about the cheating. In my opinion this is unforgivable and this woman seems to come back to you when things are not going her way. In other words you are a “Last Option” to her and nothing more.

      My suggestion is simply hold on to the fact that she has lied to you and betrayed your trust. I can only imagine how long over the course of 5 years that she has been cheating on you and it’s something you should think about. Her having a baby with someone else is the best thing that could have happened to you. She could have given you things that you would have to pay for until the day you die. Disease, etc.

      Take this as a very important life lesson instead of seeing it as the end of the world, because in any other case it probably would have been.

      To Naeem:

      Your story hit home the most with me as I had the exact same thing happen to myself with the exception that she left me instead. You did the right thing by breaking up, and I recommend if you want this person in your life you should cease all contact immediately.

      It isn’t fair that you are stuck thinking about this person day in and out and she hasn’t even thought about you in weeks or months. These types of woman are indecisive, thoughtless, and down right cold at times. Again not looking at those traits as a negative, it just takes a different approach to be in a successful relationship with them.

      Make some distance between yourselves, no random text messages, phone calls, or gifts. She can’t get the chance to miss you if you are still there in those aspects. By having no contact you are sending the signal that your time is important and she will not waste it.

      I wish the best for all of you and my last piece of advice to all the men here is to listen to Tom Leykis, He is great at educating men You & Old on how to properly manage the women in your lives. You can find all o his stuff on YouTube for free just look him up there.

  • josh

    i met a girl last year and i fell deep inlove with her for 6months and i still love her but she keeps breaking my heart and she doesnt listen to me, she always does what suites her and i cant leave her, i really need help because i am dying everyday.
    thank you

  • Ace

    i got into a relationship with a girl about a year ago , for the first few months she was so good to me, i felt like the most important thing in the world and i honestly responded in kind, however in the last 4 months she’s been unpredictable , she doesn’t seem to care about me anymore, anytime i try to talk with her she tells me i am stressing her , i have asked he many times if she wants a breakup , she always says No, i am confused and dont know where to go from here, i really love her, but i am loosing it as she does not want to breakup yet she also doesn’t want to ever do any couple stuff,

  • Kiara

    So I’ve been in a relationship for a little over a year with someone a yr younger than me. Everything was good at the beginning , until I got pregnant. I got an abortion because he was afraid he felt as he couldn’t support us. I was really hurt, it was very hard for me to get over it. He had a really bad attitude when we would get mad at each other and I was always nice. I always went out of my way to make him happy wether it was with money or anything. A few months later I started talking to another guy and he found out about it. Nothing ever happened between me and this guy, not even a kiss. And he swears I cheated!! I know I was wrong.. But it happened more than once and he found out. Nothing happened between me and these guys. We broke up, he was so hurt he decided to move to ny. And he told me to follow, I was so still I love with him that I did. We moved in with each other I still do everything I did for him, he had a hard time finding a job and I supported him in every way I was able to. Now 7 months later after living together I find myself more in love with him.. But he doesn’t notice it. He still thinks I talk to othe guys behind his back. I have tried to do everything for him to just trust me again.. Everything possible, all I get is his nasty attitude telling me he’s tired and said I make him not want a relationship anymore. That if I wanna stay to stay but if I wanna go to go. I’m really. Of sure what to do, he’s always cursing at me. The other day I cried because he showes me no love or affection and he said I had problems.. He’s called me weak before. He’s texted me as one of the guys he caught me talking to before to see if I would fall for it. He has told me he hates being tied down.. But yet manages to tell me he loves me? I’m very confused. I’m a very emotional person , i don’t know how to stand to feel a ground. I’m so confused, idk if I should stay or let go.. It’s very hard because we live together now. I just want an answer, but I’m the one who has to make the decision. I just don’t know how? :\

  • Jennifer Grimaldi

    I met my now x bf 6yrs ago. He cheated on his gf at that time with me. He went to jail & she did too she left him. I stood by his side for 5yrs he was in prison. We became bf & gf in 7/11. He came outta prison 1/12. I picked him up we celebrated & it lasted 2 weeks. I fell in love with him long ago. My heart is now broken. He didn’t want to change his life & told me he couldn’t be with me or no one rite now. He borrowed money from me & has yet to pay me back. I told him he’s a coward & treated me like crap I yelled at him & told him when he’s ready to man up & face me to pay me & give back each others stuff to call me & the sooner he does I’ll be outta his life 4ever & I can move on @ get over him. Well it’s been over a eek now & he has not called to gave off. I woke up last night mad & called his phone I blocked my # & he never picked up. He problay knew it was me o well. I’m fighting to call him & I would love to see him. I know he’s got problems he’s a gambler & has lost all his mothers $ & sum of mine too. I still love him & pray for him to change. I do believe ppl deserves 2nd chances especially when you’ve been in jail. I finally am not crying every day that took like 3 weeks to stop the tears. Now I just want to stop thinking about him. I did get his named tattoo on the back of my neck when we officially became a couple & now we r no longer together. I feel so stupid! I knew wat I was getting involved with when I met him 6yrs ago but I still went there. Thanx for letting me share my story. I’m gonna just keep swimming & go forward with my life. After all they say there are better fish in the sea……..

  • Marci in Illinois

    I lost my best friend, love of my life, finance to a massive stroke the end of Jan 2012…I am finding it hard to go forward now. I also lost my husband to cancer in Feb 2009 but we knew for 5 years that he was dying and we did not have a very loving marriage. I just can’t understand why I lost the love of my life when we had just found love for over a year and a half and then to have him taken away from me. I know that God has a reason but I still ask Why and I don’t understand why I am having such a hard time with his loss. Everyone tells me that I must let go and move on but I am having a very hard time dealing with this and what everyone is telling me…I loved him with all my heart and soul and I miss him so much…I know I can’t bring him back but I loved him and I always will. He was only 66 and I am 62…I now feel that my life is over and yet I know it isn’t…but how do I go on?
    Thanks…God Bless
    Marci

  • Diana

    I broke up nearly 2 weeks ago. I discovered that he had been pursuing sexual relations with his ex. He has told me over and over it was over. He wanted me he loved me. So now I know the whole ugly truth. Everything he told me was. Lie period. He told me when we broke up that he never loved me. He said he was always Having to convince himself how to love me. He said so much that misled and deceived me and for what? So he could torture me later. He said he is sorry. He said he has selfishness and greed issues. He hurt beyond what I think I can tolerate

  • Anisa

    Ive been in 2 relationships. Im only 19. Each relationship was more than a year long, all the guys have ever done to me was hurt me, but yet i still loved them and went back to them every single time . I always rememeber all the goodtimes Ive had with them,and they haunt me constantly, I dont know what to do anymore. I find that I cant concentrate without thinking of everything ive been through in these relationships. Ive lost hope and faith completely in love, I pray to God that someday I will be blessed with a good husband that will love me for eternity. I shouldnt keep my hopes up, because if this doesnt happen, I dont want to be hurt again. I wont be able to take it anymore. Ive triend to be so strong for everyone, but no one knows how I feel and the tears I shed each and every day expect for me. Please pray to God for me to help me. Thank You.

  • enzani

    My husband of 10 years has never told me he loves me. He has never bought me any presents, he has beaten me up on several occassions, he never believes anything I say. He does not support our 3 children in any way at all. He cheats , never comes home before 3am. We have sex once a month (suppose when his girlfriend is on her periods) . He calls me names, witch, b**ch etc.) I need to let go, I pray for strength and courage. I hope my children will not be affected negatively. I really love the man but it is plain to see he HATES me with a passion. I am an orphan, first of 5 children, who do I lean on. God give me the strength to carry on.

    Girls please never be with a man who does not love you, u can never make anyone love you, if he does not love u on day one he will not love you after 5years, 10years, never! I regret ever getting involved with him. Help me I’m an emotional wreck.

  • S.Kumar

    I have lost my only grown up son aged 21 four years back. For several months I was shattered and helpless. What is the purpose of my life without my son? My caring wife don’t want to adopt at this stage. Still I am living with some sort of hope for the future.

  • Tammy

    Yeah okay I hate to admit this but I kind of have to by admit I mean say this so yeah here it goes I lost a loved one a few days ago by death and I lost a loved yesterday it hurts me but yeah. I’m 21 and I feel lonely with them going and not getting a chance to say goodbye to me……………. Sincerely,
    Tammy

  • Rose jones

    I’m leaving the father of my child today he constantly lied,cheated,flirted stop even making love to me he refused to work sO I had to support him he cleaned out my account,I miscarried with our twins last night he told me to get over it move on that was the last straw,but I still love him we had some good times I’m stupid for being with him we were together 1year 5months he was hurt when I told him I was leaving that’s the first time he ever showed any emotion towards me now my heart hurts and I’m not sure if I should leave why does it hurt so much for me to walk out the door should I just stay anyway as a father ever now and then he plays with our son I think I should leave but he says if we move to a different state he will change and his parents tell me I’m wrong for leaving since we have a child together

  • sadhana

    hi, my name is sadhana.I love him frm 7years.but he not love me.he love other one.and he knw my feelings ,but i dnt to knw why he not understand my Love. He is my Life.my everythings depend on him.my dear u r my feelings , love, my God .I do any thing for you.u knw dear i want ur happy.it is ok if u r not love me.i pray to God u will always stay fine nd Happy..

  • Gift

    Hi,i met this guy in January and i really liked him,He is Indian and i am Nigerian,i met him through a big sister at work,and since then we were moving forward,he told me he dosent want to loose my friendship and he wants to keep me,i got those words and i kept them,not until the night before valentine when i called him,a lady answered his call and told me he is busy at the moment,i felt bad cause it was late that night,the next day i sent him a lovely val text and made him know i felt bad.Few weeks later we chatted on Facebook and he told me such will never happen again,and then he said he wants commitment from me,he says he loves me when ever we talk on phone and i believe him,I don’t know how it sounds anyways but i love him like i have never loved anyone all my life,yesterday i tried calling him with my mobile number,he dint pick the call,so i called with a strange number and he answered,today i called and called him,without response,later his driver picked his call and said he is in the embassy,I’m so tired of doing all this,i cry every-night and still no response,no change,I love him still,but now i don’t know what else to do.He said he has got no other relationship,but i don’t know how true this is,pls what should i do,i want him,and don’t ever want him to go away.

  • Jay

    My Story:
    My girlfriend of nearly 4 years just broke up with me. I am devastated. I love her so much; I feel like I loved her as much as, if not more, than anyone can love a significant other. I am so lost and so sad and so jealous I don’t even know where to begin.
    This girl was a huge part of my life I loved all the nuances of who she was and I loved all the experiences that I had with her over the last almost 4 years. I have lost my girlfriend, I have lost my friend, and I have lost a tremendous component of my life.
    There was always a problem with us – I loved her way more than she loved me and she would repeatedly tell me over the years that she needed to find a better match for her. She was from a more religious family and had different goals in mind than I did for a relationship, despite my willingness to conform to her goals. Though she would say these things over the years, her actions did not mimic her words and I held onto hope that she would come around and together we would make a life that worked for both of us. Boy was I wrong.

    We were on a vacation not 3 weeks ago. We had a great time and when I dropped her off at her apartment after returning from the airport, she was expressing how sad she was that I could not stay over that night. Two weeks later, her calls and text messages were becoming sparse and I could tell something was wrong. By the end of week 3, she called to, again, tell me that we needed to “end it” and I could tell the tone in her voice this time was very different. She had moved on. Thought I hoped with all my heart that she was just going through a phase, perhaps pressured by her family to find a more religious guy (a usual occurrence) I could tell that something was different and my immediate thought was that there already is another guy. My suspicions were right. A family member had set her up with a guy that week – she decided to go on the date and apparently liked whom she met. I was squeezed out.

    In hindsight, I knew an end would come. I didn’t want it to happen. I hoped and prayed (I’m not religious) that she would come around… that her words were only words and her actions, emotions and facial expressions told the real story. I suppose I wanted this to be true as I loved her. I love her. I can’t imagine not loving her, but it was a game I lost from day one. I should never have had let it get this far – for my own protection.

    I am so so sad. I have been virtually inconsolable since our phone conversation this past Thursday and I don’t know what to do with myself. I truly love her and everything about her and it is so painful and saddening to think that I will not get to watch, listen, see, touch, feel, go or participate in her life ever again. Oh my god, how does one move on from this? I only hope I can.

  • paul

    hello my name is paul live in plymouth ive read some of the storys hear and they are all sad hurtfull things in your lives.ive bin hurting for a long time now broken harted lost my hole world fallen apart but i still hold on and just went to hold her in my arms and never let go.i dont know how to explain how i feel just want to feel warm and fuzzy again like the way she only could make me feel,im by my self now my partner and i have a little daugther called pippa 16,months old which pip is with mum.i love her soo much pip is so cute so little her mum my partner i love so much and care for its a long story this one,shes still marriead 20 years in fect and going through a big messy devorse i did live with her in her house and we bin togather 4 years im devoted to her.i just woke up one day and she told me to find my own place but we could still have a relationship.it was like being hit over the head i didnt know what to say well that was oct.last year i did as i was told and got a 2 bed house i asked her and told her this just wasent right she told me im everything she ever wanted in a men im so confused i love her more then life and would do anything for her.but since i leth ive now lost my job my mum died when i was little my dad died 3 years ago i have an older brother but i cant talk to him,because i found out he had bin txting and talking with my partner and found out she had for some time bin txting him and calling but i cought her and the funny thing is i was ok with my brother we had not fallen out the only thing we didnt do was realy talk so what the hell was my parner up to and i later found out that my brothers wife was going mental over my ex txting and calling him so she told me,but when i asked why is my brother txting u she denied it all anyway ive not talk to him since and i am pritty much alone upset sad lost just had enough i know im not stupid or ugley im not a cheat or bin unfaithfull shes broke my hart oh and im not an oid git yet 42 and beleave it or not ex commando,so why me? feels like hell i did everything for her as you can tell i didnt leave her house and get mine they carry on the relationship i thought she was bad what she did to me like that and then my brother hell no.who did she think she was now our little girl is all confused and i cry my eyes out every nite what a mess theres so much more i can tell you all but i need to stop just wanted some one to know men get it to,i still love her miss her like crazy she had one of them big smiles u just love.sorry ive not bin to great bit ill tired but thanks for letting me have a say..ps if u realy love some 1 u will never realy lose them.

  • Bat

    I’m hesitant to share my story for I know you won’t understand no one ever does or even worse maybe I’m the one who doesn’t understand. I’m 18 and I have never had a true relationship infact I been single for 4 years. I have always felt like I’m never good enough. I come up short to everything, I feel lost and misunderstood. I have felt this way for years infact I can’t remember when I haven felt this way. I always tell my self that things will get better that one day I will be happy. I pick myself back up I have hope but it comes slowly I feel so damn alone that my days start getting longer and darker losing hope this turns into a sicle that I can’t get out of. Every time I try I come up short. I have no talents nOthing that I can release this frustrations. I become do angry inside, and I hate it. I don’t want to sit around and cry I want to go out try something new see things. See my dream is to travel the world I want to see it all expireance it, but It seems that I never get this opportunities. I’m always moving school to school never really bonding with any one I feel so unwanted. Sometimes I cry cuz even my own dog preferres my moms new boyfriend more then me, i feel this way with everyone I’m so scared of being burn again. I give my heart out and all I have ever gotten is betrayal feels like I put more effort then most and at the end I alone again, there’s only one boy that I can honestly ever open my heart to. He made me feel wanted aspire maybe I am worth something. The funny thing is we never saw each other. He went to my high school and I moved that summer. we met by my ex through Facebook we would talk sometimes. We started Txting and there’s no way for me to explain it but over time we bonded he made me laugh and we could talk for hours at a time. For the first time I have felt what movies and books have described talking to him made me happy. He never knew but I use to cry over the simplest compliments he gave me I told god that I was so happy and thankful for him. We talk on and off for almost 4 years. He was my rock. I never needed any one but him I don’t care that he was miles and miles away what he made me feel was addictive, I loved him. Being apart from some one you like can be really hard we don’t have An official relationship but there was something there. It’s not easy to keep something like this and with time we started to drift away less calls turn to no calls then just a few txt. Simple conversations that always left me with disappointment. He was changing and im sure i was too. Even though we bouth couldnt manage to stop
    Talking to each other, no matter what i know for a fact that o was special to him and thats all that ever matter to me. He started talking to me like I was just some girl being disrespectful asking for things that he knew well I would never do. I wanted him out of my life but at the same time I wanted him in my life my percent my future. Never does a day go by where I don’t think of him, he stop Talking to me. No explanation nothing. Not long after he told me that he could never forget me and can’t let me go. Well the bastard did the impossible and got himself a girlfriend and moved on just like that. Now I’m left broken and confuse. You have no idea how many times I thought of what I would say to
    Him if her ever chose to speak to me sometimes it’s sometimes not so much. I deleted
    Him of Facebook deleted his nunmber changed mine… Still I hope he’ll come back. It’s truely pathetic of me to think this. How come he can be happy and I can’t? Because he chose to move on. BUT ITS SO MUCH easier for him to move on when he has it all!! a great family almost too perfect, he is the start football player, ect I don’t feel like talking about it. Sometimes I wonder if I really do love him.. It sure feels like I do. But I never had nothing even sonically close to what he gave me. I feel ashame to say this. Maybe I only love him cuz his the only one that has ever made me feel so special so worthy, unique and beautiful. The only time I ever feel that happy is when I’m with my family in colombia which I can only see ones a year… I don’t know if you can understand maybe you think I’m just a stupid teen who needs to grow up, and maybe I am. But what I feel is not something I can help if I could I would take it all away! Forget him forget the pain and move on, but I can’t. I try but it always comes back to haunt me. There’s nothing about me that’s special I can’t go out and dance my ass off I can’t sing my feeling ha can barely write. I try so hard and I always come short always and the ones who do great don’t put as much effort like I do.sometimes I think about ending it all but then I think what good is that going to do, which makes me even more angry, makes me feel like there’s no hope no way out all I want to be is happy I want to be loved, have a purpose contribute to this world. I’m always looking for myself. I have hope and that’s what really kills me but maybe one day I can become something special even great. I’m going to expire some one make them believe that there’s always hope. I’m sorry this is so long but I feel so much better now thank you for listening if you made it this far I needed it this.

  • Broke hearted girl

    My ex and I have been broken up for a few months now. I went about two month after the break up not talking to him (I literally cried everyday) to now I talk to him as a friend. I’ve gotten over the lying and the cheating that he did while we were together that left me so heartbroken. And I forgive him,I still love him. And I know some may think that makes me stupid. But I act like I don’t have these feelings just to have him in my life because I was tired of crying and hurting and now just a simple text from brightens my whole day. It just hurts so bad because he doesn’t feel the way I do. I love him with every bone in my body and would do anything for him. I know all his flaws and I love him for them. I never did anything wrong in our relationship but he treats me like I did. There are days I call and text him and he does t answer. If I tell him how I feel he gets mad and tells me I need to chill cause were not in a relationship anymore. But knowing that someone doesn’t feel the way you do hurts so bad. Knowing that your not that persons first thought in the morning and last at night like they are for you hurts so bad. I’ve been in relationships before but I’ve never loved someone so strongly and felt so hurt. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never get over him. More than anything I wanna move forward and be happy again but the last time I was happy was with him. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be happy without him in my life. I love him and he’s my bestfriend. But I’m tired of caring so much and he only cares sometimes or not at all. But it’s been 5 months of heartache and depression and I don’t know what to do.

    • Time Is a healer

      @BROKEN HEARTED GIRL.
      For a moment I thought I Wrote ur post. My ex broke up with 5 months ago, and I went through a really hard time & depression. My ex treats me like shit too, cuz he knows how much I love him, however men can sumtimes underestimate us women, iv come to a point in my life were I don’t give a rats ars anymore about him, wether he’s here or not it doesn’t make a difference cuz not like he’s wev been together for months, he also did the cheating, shagged other girls after we broke up, but I forgave him n put it behind us, yet he won’t give up his petty habits. It’s either my self respect or him, so I chose my self respect. I love him to bits, but iv learned to b without him n live my life, move on my darling, and keep faith in god that one day he will realise wat hes lost. Don’t let a man take u for granted, iv don’t know u, but I can defo say ur a keeper. Keep ur head high n stay busy, DON’T CONTACT HIM, it will hit him one day. Tkr Hun, if u Wana talk mail me xxxx

  • Ngoni Griffith (Abbott)

    I met a boy in high school named Jason Jack Abbott. We were in a chapel at a speech tournament when he asked me, “Do you want to get married?” I said, “Sure!” Some people, he told me later on, asked him what he was doing talking to a black girl. He is white. We went to Dunkin’ Donuts after meeting each other during another speech tournament and he told me he was going backpacking in Africa. I never heard from him again. He is married now and is living in the same city and state as me. We live on opposite sides of town. I wrote him a letter to ask for closure from the situation, but I haven’t heard from him. I can’t remember any bad parts of our relationship, we didn’t have any. What struck me was that I may be trying to control what’s left of our relationship. I just want to move on because I am still stuck in this love triangle limbo. I am 39 years old and still unmarried. One thing I can say through this experience is that God has shown me what true love really is. I dated, but I never gave myself completely to another man because I remembered the vow I made to Jason. Like the Bible says, “better not to vow, than to vow and not pay.” I realize that I will never ever be married because Jason is already married to someone else. In him I found my soulmate. I just hope that one day he will realize how much I truly loved him and saved myself for him. I am learning to get my life in order by working on this issue that has consumed me for more than 25 years and has affected other areas of my life. When you found the one you truly love, it’s hard to love anyone else the same way. Hopefully he will read this post one day and see how much he was truly loved. Like the saying goes, better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

  • cesar lopez

    My name is cesar lopez i have been going out with my girl for three months already things were ok in the beging. Now that i go to knw her she seems to care about her hair and looking pretty , she is 25 years old and has three kids i do love her a lot but i feel like she dont. recently i was in the hospital due toa surgery on my left lung. Prior to that she has een staying at my place for almost 3 months, I never had asked her for anything but sometimes she will buy groceries. I have veen going to thr doctor a lot because i have been feeling sick, on wed i went to the doctor and almost fainted, so thet put me on iv for almost the entire day. I never hear anything from her to see if i was fine nothing samething on thru nothing so i came that dat and just told her to take her stuff and leave i didnt insult her or use profanity just told her to leave i feel bad but thats what my heart told me to do i just felt like she didnt care about me

  • Joline

    I have 2 comments.
    “my sister cut me out of her life five years ago. She told me she didn’t want to speak to me again and wouldn’t tell me why”
    WHAT? You must have done something to cause this! This is your sister! I would think you would pursue this a little more than just moving on!

    “Rebuild yourself-quit your job”
    Are you out of your mind!!!

    Other than the above mentioned, your advise is sound and makes alot of sense.

  • Amy

    Where do I start I started seeing someone who in the beggining stated he was single and was finished with his baby’s mother come to find out it was on again off again with her> Got past that broke up a few times and them he told me he wanted to be with me and and moved in after about 6 months I found some emails my BF and his ex were writing to eachother behind my back i was devestated and and kicked him out and he of course moved back to her house. I was devasted I really loved this guy this guy told me how much he loved me, I was is soul mate, he hated her, and how he kept going back for his daughter and spent hrs telling me horror stories of the things she did and said to him. In the 8 months he would occassionally text me “hey beautiful or I miss u”. I finally got over the hurt and betrayal and stopped obsessing over what he did.

    Now he has broke up with her again and has moved out of her place and claims he still loves me and never stopped thinking about me he claims he went back for his daughter because his baby’s mother made him feel guilty, I don’t trust his words but don’t ask me how but I still love him..

  • living with the cats and memories

    I am still hurting today is 2 years past the relationship i had been through other relationships i had even been married but i honestly and without expectation gave of my self to this woman I truly feel she deserves someone better than i was for her so please (ks) god be with always.. we made promises all of them I feel we kept commitment sincerity and trust.. (maybe i should have been more cautious)(NO THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND) when you are in love I really believed in happily ever after. One promise she didn’t keep was if her or i felt we had to move on we would let the other say why talk about it then allow that person to go even if we hated each other i feel we could have done this. I was played a fool lied about made a joke of held accountable for all the lies some i’ve heard others i don’t care to comment on so she could get the attention she was seeking all her life (she had it from me i guess i just was waste of her time and the commitment and attention wasn’t enough) now i just want to stop hurting and move on maybe never to have a soul mate again in my life but I cant be there for anyone else if i cant be there for me i have found some tools to help the days pass, but i find myself stuck 90 out of 100 days. i left my friends family and so much more i was and am devoured by the thought we weren’t even friends …i was told to toss anything she ever gave me in those 9 years i could only find a small book of memories she made and i am hold that..that was made with love… but i HAD NEVER NOTICED SHE NEVER purchased ANY THING ever FOR ME IT WASNT IMPORTANT HER COMPANIONSHIP WAS ALL I EVER IMAGINED AND MORE EVEN WHEN WE SAT NOT TALKING i knew she was there near me that was good enough for a life time if you ask me … so please don’t tell me to just move, grow up,, or stop because if that’s the answer .. then i am stuck thanks for taking the time to real my pain “PLEASE SHOW ME HOW TO STOP HURTING SO MUCH AND I WONT HAVE TO PRETEND ANYMORE”

  • Rebecca

    My husband told me he wanted a divorce. I was broken. I didnt know what to do or what to say. Although, he has many reasons as to why and him and I both know it. It still hurts. Sometimes we put salt on the wound to watch the other person cry in pain. Its unfair, its rude, its heartless. One day I hope to let go and move on. Our son is just a little of 2 and even though I worry about him, maybe in the long run its better for him. No matter what. I still and will always be in love with this man.

  • Time Is a healer

    Hello everybody, I hope you are all well, I just want to say sumthing to the people going through a rough time. I broke up with my bf in beginning of November. Mid December I posted something on here, about how hopless And depressed I was, iv gone through it all, I went through depression, had sleepless nights, stpoped eating & lost so much weight that I started looking like a Skelton, lol. I had a really rough time & thought I’d never get over it, because I loved him so much, I still do love him, however I’m no more that depressed girl who couldn’t cope, TIME REALLY IS A HEALER, I dint believe that until recently, but you have to be patient & control ur emotions, it’s hard but it’s not impossible. I talk to my ex now, but I moving on, I still wish we could be together but I’m in no rush, ItS like I have a whole new life. None of u r gobs for or b single forever, trust me, god has made someone for us all. I want u all to smile knowing that life ahead will b great, there’s no doubt, but you need to help yourself, otherwise no one can. LOoking back to how I was a few months ago makes me feel utterly embarrassed now. People don’t waste ur time on sumone that won’t appreciate you or ur love. If u Wana talk, mail bk, I’m rite here 😉

    Kind regard to all & keep smiling!

  • Emily

    I just broke up with my fiance a couple of weeks ago. We were together for almost five years after he proposed to me. It was on and off for several months, where none of us knew what we wanted. A couple of weeks ago he just said he was done. I told him then pack your bags and go, but I didnt think he would just leave like this. He pratically raised my son and told me he will never leave me. I feel so betrayed by him. I am so humiliated and angry. I still love him, but I am very angry at him. I try to be as strong, but I get a lot of anxiety, and I feel sad at times. Sometimes I cry my self to sleep because I miss him. I just think I have trouble letting go. I pray to god that positive things come my way and that someday I can be happy again. I am so glad that I have my son with me all the time, he is what keeps me strong.

  • klaus

    its been more than a month when things went wrong, she suddenly told me if i love her then i replied and told her that i still love her. then things suddenly change to the worst. she was taking a vacation in australia. we were still together even thou we are seperated by land until she was dating someonen in australia. then boom everything went crazy. she doesnt tell me everything why she chooses to stay there for good until by some chance i saw that she is indeed dating someone in australia when i was browsing facebook. its been more than a month that she was hiding the fact that she is with someone else until yesterday the guy she was dating posted on facebook that they are indeed dating. my life shatters coz she is indeed lying about it. she love someone. i love her when she was still here and all the 3yrs we work out were gone to waste. im a bit disappointed and frustrated that i want to end this pain. now im trying to move on to my new life as a single guy. we were not married thats why she took the opportunity. i hate the way she have done to me. you trust her so much and lover her but now everythings all hate,frustrations and anger. i’ll prove to her all the promise i made. and smack everything back to her. but now my primary focus now is to be single forever. i dont like to trust anymore.

  • Angela

    I do not love him anymore, but I am not over the hurt and anger. I hate him so much. I’ve tried not to but I can’t. I don’t like carrying bitterness around with me constantly, as long as I am still hurt by him he will always have a hold over me. Time doesn’t heal all wounds.

  • Dupe

    Mine is a very peculiar case bc am in a polygamous marriage, which is legal n acceptable in my country. I have been with him for 13years n it’s been hell, I v an 8year old with him, he is abusive, manipulative n makes everything look like its my fault. I want to leave him permanently, I v left before but always have a way of working his way back into my life. I still have feelings for him but certainly not love…not anymore. How do I leave him, he is a very important person in my country and I don’t want to loss my only child-which is d reason I have been enduring the emotional n physical abuse since 1999. My family know what am going through but feel I should remain there. I am tired of living with him, I am so unhappy and depressed, I engage in a lot of self harm just to take the stress off. What do I do.

  • Blessed

    I would like to dedicate these two songs for myself and all of you . Try to listen . God bless all of you .

    1) Because of you CHC – youtube
    2) Lord you are always here with me – youtube

    * I went through divorced with my husband 7 years ago . Then, I met a guy who loved me and my daughter so much and thought of having a happy family but unfortunately , he passed away last year . I went for abortion twice . My heart is broken and the pain will be forever . Feel tired and exhausted . But I thank God if it is not because of HIM I won’t live today .

  • heartbroken

    I don’t know what to do with myself right now. This no contact thing is killing me. We broke up last Thursday and haven’t spoken on the phone since. He says its too difficult right now and thought it best if we had no contact for a week. This feels like torture for me. the first few days I sent him a lot of text messages and a few pictures of my little boy and I.
    I am so heart broken over this whole situation. I walk around with a very heavy heart and a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach every minute of the day.
    The whole breakup took me very much by surprise. We were together for 18 months, I have a 4 year old son who adored my bf. he was wonderful with my son, took him to do lots of things, taught him lots, he was a wonderful male role model for my son. I thought we were happy. he has met my mom and brother, the rest of my family live far away so that hasnt been an option yet. I have met all his family as he just flew my son and I home for Christmas with him. he gave me a ring, necklace and earrings for christmas. he told me he loved me. He talks about his future with us in it, he called me wifey sometimes to other people, he had just bought us a couple massage for valentines day, we have summer vacation plans already made. I thought we were happy and then out of the blue he came over and said he loved my son and i a lot but he wasnt in love with me and wanted to break up. How could be do this to me? I want to work things out with him so badly. it never felt like he didnt love me. he would still make love to me, cuddle with me, lie in bed and stroke my hair, .this all just seems so unfair.
    he said he feels more like my brother and my sons uncle but how can this be true when we were still very intimate very frequently! I’m so confused and hurting. any advice would help!

  • Veronica

    Umm..wow..this is a first time.. in a long time..I..who can be very loud and outgoing..TO THE POINT THAT I GET SICK OF HEARING MY OWN VOICE & HAVE TO TELL MYSELF TO SHUT UP..WHICH USUALLY DOESN’T WORK THEN EITHER..LOLOL….heartless..CHEWING ANYONE’S EAR OFF TO SEE IF THEY AGREE W/ MY POINT..uncontrolable in EVERYWAY..wronged..DAMAGED BY EVERY THING I THOUGHT OR ACTUALLY DID HURT ME..even when I know I’ve reached the level of ridiculousness..AND AM MAKING AN a** OF MYSELF.. am speechless..Not for lack of words or thoughts..But b/c I don’t quite have the point.. I am taking from all this..totally “disected” (lol..if you knew me..you’d really get that joke..Newways)..my heart actually ached with each story on this page..every point of view..every ounce of emotion..I am going threw an “abundance of life” right now..and may I add..I am positive..that my “Level” of “an abundance of life”..exceeds-thus far-any realm that a 26 year old ..mother of three and married for 10 years..>Sane person..is aware of..
    I always fantasized about this unspoken language for myself and my husband.. that I thought was without saying..I thought I gave off that personality every since I became, well attracted to men..which was I have to feel and be enough for my man..I can’t share him ..unless we talked it out first..and AGREED..lol..that’s different..then that is clear plan English..lol I don’t look at me as being controling..I think its sexy for him a husband to know w/out a doubt he is hers and a wife to know she is his..not the way it’s worked out for me..and my husband..which saddens me..Yeah he cheated..and we moved passed it..I really did forgive him and actually loved him more than before which shocked me..b/c I always told myself I’d never be the..Not good enough wife..then it happened to me and I Stayed..and never did I think well Ill stay for the kids or poor me.. or why why and we had just had our first baby together and I didn’t even cry that much over it then..I brought it up every so often..but honestly I barely thought about it..well flash forward..we became. in my eyes best friends..I couldn’t wait to wake up and clean my house cook take care of our kids..live and was happy..sure I had anger issues and problems I have OCD panic disorder and extreme high anxiety..all excuses I feel ..and well no we have gone through a new level of “wtf” lol bc we now have 3 kids 10..8..2..all girls..he cheating on me and it was alot..he got a job where he traveled..yada yada we got passed it I was soo happy he was comin home..I wasn’t gonna be this bitc* we would be romantic and better than before..but somehow..it’s not ..don’t get me wrong..I love my husband he is my favorite person to look at when he smiles he is sooo sexy..but I am tired of not feeling that way when he looks in my eyes like when we got together 10 years ago..we have our moments..I don’t expect us to get stupid with it w have lives and kids..but we barely hold hands..he doesn’t even seem to wanna kiss me at times and me too it feels awkward and we both are aware of it at times..but then when I relax..we are awesome..we’ve been in a motel for 3 weeks now he hasn’t watched one movie w me..if I take his phone or unplugged his computers he throws a fit..i mean gets angry..wont even think about anything but the fact he cant be on them.. and I don’t want him to be mad at me for that..I am doing it to try and get him to see without me having to control him and be that wife ..well i don’t know how this helped ..im sure I will think about this some more..ty

  • enzo

    was in a marriage for 4 yrs and my wife cheated on me and to b honest i was rily hurt,she cheated on me with on older man almost twice my age and again with a younger man than her!i beat her so hard and left her at her parentsls place but i wanted so much to be with her as i loved so much,we saperated for 4mnths and got bek together,i suspect shez still cheating on me but she says she still wants to be my wife i rily want to let thos marrige go but i still love her!m rily confused and hurt what can i do to let this go and start a new life for myself coz i cant kip on living in misery!

  • loveme for ever

    friends i was in love with a girl who was staying far away from me, this lady requested me for some pocket money which i gave to her, and i real loved this lady with all my hearts, what happened is that after giving her the money she went to see her ex-boy friend on my money i gave her. am real crazy now over what she did but still i love her what can i do please?

  • Tate

    The first love of my life, a girl who I was completely and utterly crazy about and whom I would do anything for. We only dated for about six or seven months, but we were so close. I donno what happened, but one day she just ended it. I was devastated. I felt like crawling into a cave
    Somewhere and dying, but I didn’t, and I didn’t try to stop her from
    Leaving, because you know that saying ” if you truly love someone,let them go” and I only wanted her happiness. It’s been over five and a half years now, and I’ve had a couple of girlfriends in between, I had fooled myself into thinking I was ready when I wasn’t. I dont want to sound pathetic, but I still
    Think about her sometimes. I can’t seem to stop her from
    Randomly poping into my head. It doesn’t happen often now, but it still does. I don’t know if this is normal or not, or if I’m just having a hell of a hard time
    Letting her go. But anyway, thanks for listening and thanks for
    Your article. They both helped, and it felt so good to actually be able to tell all this to someone, even if that someone is someone I’ve never met.

  • Candy

    Hi everyone:

    I was going to write about my pain and happened to me, but it is the same as Empty and Laura.

    All I can say that after reading this site and all your pain, my heart goes out to you all as I am going through the same situation.

    5 years of my life was a lie, I gave all I have and he used me, he dated multi women.

    I like most of you, should forgive myself for being stupid, I have a kind heart and he used it.

    I see the best in people, when the devil came into my life I could not see it and was deceived.

    For the first time last night I slept well, as I knew then that he is the damaged goods not me.

    No matter what I am, how beautiful I am or not, how good I am or not, he is a liar, manipulative, user, womanizer who needs many women to make himself feel good about himself, it is not me, it is him, he has issues.

    He kept telling me that I was mental till Xmas day when I logged into his sex site and into history of his chats to women and evidance of his meetings with these women. I confronted him and walked out, I wasted 5 years of my life and my tears to the most evil person who promised me marriage.

    He had no intention of ever marrying me. He wanted his freedom to go out with women from sex sites and to his admission he regularly visited lap dancers clubs, he said it was part of his job to go there but once he slipped and said that he loves these young women with perfect bodies. I wanted to walk then but my friends told me lap dancers are nothing. but now I know that he was also meeting up with women, on bemyfuckbuddie, clickandflirt, dirtysexlove, benaughty, wildbuddies.

    After speaking to some of them that he has met. I feel such a fool for being so trustee.

    I doubt it that I will ever go out with a man and not wonder whether he is doing or not.

    I feel that I have lost my faith in men, I am sure there are many decent men but for time being I am staying single to recover so that I do not take it out on an innocent person.

    • Laura

      Candy

      thank you for sharing your story. Empty and you and I got taken in by a charming man who we wanted to believe in. The counselor I’m seeing calls what they do ’emotional abuse’. One day they want to get married; the next they don’t even answer your text messages. They tell you they love you; then suddenly start answering text messages and phone calls. My favorite was the time when I showed up at my man’s house (he was expecting me). When I walked thru the door, he said into his phone, “I gotta go.” and hung up quickly. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but him hanging up like that is so suspicious. I feel like you; like an idiot for hanging on as long as I did. But we loved those stupid men and thought that if I were good enough to him he would give up his other girls. D’oh!!! I have done research into men who behave like ours did and have concluded that those men have no soul. I wonder whatever happened in their life to make them so callous and insensitive to the pain they cause us. The other thing I wonder; why would the chick he was flirting with tolerate him hanging up on her like that? Turns out she knew about me and was enjoying being the ‘other woman’. Well, she’s welcome to him cuz she’s not going to be the one who ‘cures’ him. no one can except himself.But he has to want to change. It sounds like your man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with his behavior. Maybe he should move to Syria where that type of male behavior is tolerated. NOT HERE!!!!

  • Empty

    Laura – Because you love or loved this man, you desperately want him to be the sincere and devoted person you thought he was – the person he ‘should’ be. If only he were, you could have had a lovely life together instead of this wasted opportunity – I totally get that; and, if that makes you an idiot, then, so am I 🙁

    Please don’t be so hard on yourself – the mixed messages these people send, combined with the half-truths, actual truths and outright deceptions are enough to drive an emotionally-involved rational person to the point of madness.

    Am glad we met to share our thoughts and experiences 🙂

  • Margaret Mary

    Laurie,

    I just stumbled onto your article. I want to thank you for talking about letting go of someone you love, without the article being only about romantic relationships. We love our family members and friends, too. No matter how loyal a friend (or family member) we may be, sometimes rifts occur and it can be painful. All of your points sound helpful and excellent!

    Thank you.

    Margaret Mary

  • lostinlove

    HI,i stumbled on this site while looking for clue to if my wife still loves me. but what i have realized after reading these post is my relationship is past that and i need to let go. my only issues is we have a 7month boy and if i push away she will not allow me to see him. about 5 months ago after an argument, we stopped talking for about 5 days due to phone issues. when i got my phone back she was still logged on her email and i found out right after we stopped talking she joined this dating sites. started giving her number out and sending videos and pics i died the day i saw them . i cried and wanted to end my life but my son would nned me 1 week later i found out i had a tumar in the back of my head which made me vounerable ,and after all that i saw i wanted and needed her back more then eever.. about a month later she gets a hold of me telling she is so depressed without me and needs me in her life. And life a suker i give in and take her back now she consatantly plays these games with my head that she wants me on min and then next ignores me for days at a time. I really want to be strong and not move on but stand up for my sel and move forward.I dont know what to do or how to go about this im confused and feel as i need to let go before i lose myself completely..i dont know if what im saying makes any sense but it felt good to actually say something. thanks for listening …

  • Empty

    Hi Laura! Thanks for the timely reminder – I do believe you – in the context of a bona fides relationship, these guys are toxic because they will never be satisfied with the attention of just one woman, no matter how sincere they appear in their affections.

    I didn’t mention it before, but, prior to finding out about the girl in India, I happened to discover that mine was befriending girls on webcam and adding them as friends under a fake facebook profile! Looking back, I find it quite sad that a person who was cherished by two women should obtain such a thrill from the attention of random strangers. At the time, he said he thought I’d be okay with it because he saw it as the equivalent of watching porn, but, of course,it was different because he was interacting with these girls and telling them that he missed them, etc. This was a big red flag, but, because he seemed so utterly contrite, and because I really wanted to believe in him, I let it go.

    When you mentioned that yours has been texting and that you returned a single brief text, I was reminded of something I once read – ‘attention, no matter how small, is currency’. Maybe, he was just looking for you to bite on the bait, to know that you’re not too busy/disengaged to read his texts? The point is that he has achieved his goal – he now has your attention to the extent that, once again, you’re wondering about him, his motives, his sincerity.

    As much as you may want to believe in him, I can do no better than to remind you of what you already know, (as you have so generously done for me) – that is, to be very wary indeed of his sweet words – Your ex may be sincere as far as his limited capability goes, but the key word here is ‘limited’. These people are damaged, (for whatever reason), and they hurt those around them. Believe me, I know how difficult it is to write them off – I’m living it at the moment – but, if we don’t, we are sacrificing our own peace of mind and, ultimately, our own health, both mental and physical. It’s too high a price to pay.

    Do take care of yourself.

    • Laura

      Empty—you are so right…I have read your message over and over and I thank you for it. I got it at just the right time. Your comment about a man who is cherished by a wonderful woman yet looks for attention elsewhere truly hit home…I spent a lot of time puzzling about that. He always said he never had anyone who was as good to him as I am. He loved my cooking, my loving, my morals, my sense of humor…everything. he said I’m the best thing that has happened to him in 20 plus years (I beleve that; I really do; trust me). But those comments always made me wonder why he is hanging onto his ‘just friends’. If I’m so great, why does he need those chicks???? I saw some of the text and facebook messages he left for those other women. A man doesn’t talk to a ‘friend’ like that. Yet he insisted that’s all it was. I am so ashamed that I held on as long as I did…I guess I hoped against hope that he would one day give up those chicks since I was the only one in the same city and that I was so good to him. (his other girls were 10 or 12 hours away; go figure). But I now know that he needs multiple women and that he is damaged. I hope that one day I can forgive myself for being so stupid. It doesn’t get any easier to know I was dumped by a guy like that. I’m an idiot.

  • Pain

    I went out with this girl for 4 months and I loved her with all my heart truly and summer vacation was coming up so we separated for the 3 month vacation and the next time I see I asked her if she wanted to get back together she said she met someone better and walked off my heart was broken and still is she is the only girl I have bean able to think about for a year and I cant move on I think I might still love her evan after what she did to me

  • maureen

    Last week I had lunch with my sister who I had not seen since my mothers death 4 years again, before that I had not seen her for at least another 4 years, when we met up I felt nothing, not glad, or happy,or sad, nothing, we had fallen out over my mum, with me being Power of Attorney, and being in charge with things that my sister was not happy about.But why have I no feelings over this.

  • IamMe

    One of the things that hurts me the most is to see others suffering. I only read through one page of posts- it seems like there are mostly, if not all women posting here. First I want to say to all of you: I am so very, VERY sorry for all of the pain you are going / have gone through.

    Time doesn’t really matter to a person who is heart broken; happy things make you sad because it reminds you of how it could be. Words of wisdom sound like a lecture and rarely help us feel like there is hope.

    There is no real answer, no real explanation. I know all to well how hopeless and useless you/we/I become. So, I just want to say I wish you were hurting; I wish none of us were hurting. And I am sorry for what you are going through.

    xo

  • Confused

    Hello everyone,
    I just want to thank everyone for sharing their story, and at least I know I am not the only one who is hurt. I ran across this website, because I was trying to find a way to let go of someone you love. I am now 28 about to be 29. When I first met my husband I was still getting over someone who had broken my heart. I remember praying to God to send me someone who will help me get over this guy. Then God sent me my husband who made me smiled, who made me want to change for the better. We did everything together, spent every holiday and birthday together. WE joined the military together. Three years after dating we decided to get married. Something inside of me did not want a child, but he told me that if I did not give him a child he would divorce me. So I stopped taking my birth control. He had to go overseas, that’s when I found out I was pregnant. I was happy and he was happy, after coming back from overseas he told me that he did not want to be married or have a child. So of course during my entire pregnancy I cried because he was not there, but then he hurt me when he told me that. I had one more month to have our child and he was not there. It took me awhile to move on, but I did, and of course my husband apologized to me and told me he has been praying and he is a changed man. I took a step back, and I felled in love with him more, to find out that he never changed. He got out the military because he had hurt his back came home and some night he wouldn’t come home, girls would call the phone. He would tell me that they were lying and he wasn’t messing with anyone. My husband and I separated, but we were still intimate with each other. The moment we started back dating each other, I get a phone call from a woman who told that she has a set of twins with my husband. Again I was heartbroken. WE talked and I took him back with his kids. This time my husband tried, and I did not forgive him. It makes me upset with myself as I write this, because my husband was showing me who he was all along, I just was too blind to acknowledge it. Long story short 10 years has gone by, and now I had made up my mind that I am tired of crying tired of being disrespected. I was trying to hold on because my son loves his dad, but his dad only wants to come around when I am giving him sometime. It’s hard because I grew up without my dad or mom, and I wanted my son to be lucky to have both.
    Other reason I stayed is because people would tell me he don’t love me and move on: I thought they were telling me that because they wanted him, or they just didn’t want us to be together. I have been a part of his family for 10 yrs., and not only am I losing a person I have given so much to I am also losing family

  • emmy

    I was dating someone briefly (2 months) and made did something they did not like. This caused him to cut me out of his life. I responded by making a thorough ass of myself, to the point that they blocked my number. When I look back on the whole episode, I realize that it wasn’t that deep, yet I feel an unrelenting desire to “fix” the situation and get him back although he has made it abundantly clear that he wants nothing to do with me. I’m not sure what part of me wants him the most, my ego (that took a slap when he dumped me) or me (who may or may not actually like him). Every day I fight the desire to send him emails, knowing full well the chance of him responding is slim. I don’t know why I feel so desperate.

  • Moonshine

    @ Ferguson,

    It will take time to get over this. But I can assure you, time will heal the wounds. Sometimes you’ll have good days and you’ll be strong, but sometimes you’ll have bad days thinking about a future with him and missing him. But that’s okay, if you feel sad, just cry.. be sad, even all day if you want. But don’t hang on to it for a long time. The world has so much more to offer and I’m sure there’s someone out there who will love just the way you deserve.

    See it as a journey. And don’t forget that God is always with you, He will not give you more than you can handle. You are strong, but I think you just don’t realize it yet. But time will tell, and I have a feeling that you will come out stronger.

    @ Beautiful love

    You’re welcome. You know, I’ve been through something similar. He was engaged to another woman but wanted to stay in contact with me. At first I didn’t know about him being engaged. He always said that I was the best thing that happened to him and that I was the perfect woman for him. (He was my ex, but he contacted me again, I guess he missed me.)

    Then I found out about this other lady. (By the way me and my ex weren’t back together, we were in our ‘sorting things out fase’)

    I’ve asked myself this question: If he truly loves me and wants to be with me, what’s holding him back? I mean, he’s a grown man who can make his own decisions right? Later I realized that I was Plan B. If it doesn’t work out with this other lady, he will expect me to be there waiting for him. I can’t believe that I was so blind. So I sent him a long email telling him that I don’t accept it to be Plan B and a lot of other stuff. I never heard from him again ( I think he feels busted).

    I’m not saying that your boyfriend (don’t know if I can call it that?) sees you as Plan B. But I’m thinking: If he was really serious about being together with you, he would have taken action long ago. If you want we can stay in contact. What’s your emailadress?

  • Dee

    I’m in such a crapy spot right now. I am in therapy learning more about myslef, things I do, how I feel, my beliefs, my fears. I also broke up with a man three years ago for what I’m learning now, were normal relationship things, conflict. He was devistated, he loved me and he would’ve done whatever it took then to make it work. I was too scared and didn’t know what I was doing. I had stuff related to my Dad that’s been coming out too that I didn’t realize was from that. This is so hurtful to realize and every guy I had been with has been my whipping post. It hurts me to know I’ve been this way to others, especially to the I guy I’m referring to from three years ago.

    I kept wanting to get back with my ex, he was unsure,and my emotions got the best of me. I did act like a crazy person at times (and that I feel like a fool about too). All I was learning about myself and mistakes I had made, I wanted to apply to being with him. But I’m still learning and it hurts more each time I go to therapy and find out more. Being with him was something I had wanted for the past three years. I couldn’t be just friends with him without acting like a crazy at times and he eventually asked me not to contact him and to move on. He has now moved on and living with a woman. He’s a good man and whomever he is with is a lucky woman. I wished I would’ve known then what I know now and been able to apply it to my relationship with him. I so regret ever letting him go, and not being at a better place with myself while he was in my life and now it’s too late. I loved that man and still do.

    So how does one forgive herself and move on. So much guilt and I’m finding it hard to forgive myself. I lost a great man. I don’t feel I’ll ever find or even want to be with another man again. Don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get it right with a man again and right now I don’t care if I do. I lost the one I wanted to be with and it hurts so much.

  • Ferguson

    To Moonshine:

    Hi there. Thanks for your advice. yes… you are right. I will open up someday. I know I need to be honest to myself. … But I will pray and try to find the right time for it… and I will need to be ready for it … to accept the consequences of such confession and the impact its gona have to myself, family and friends….

    Regarding my friend, …. well, he has invited me to have dinner at his girl friend’s place. This time, I have said yes….. . But I will be away for a business trip for 2 weeks. I volunteered for this work at the end of last year. So, I told him that I would like to catch up with him and his girl friend after i come back from my work trip. Deep down in my heart, I know he is now absolutely happy with his life. His relationship with his 2 children and even his ex wife is very good and they are still good friends. He doesnt have to tell me, but he is now a new person with a bright and light heart . I know he and his girl friend will be very happy and can complete each other. I love him …….very much…… and every single day, I still do miss him.I am praying so that God will enable me to see the happy side of this life path for me and them. And I do hope that I will be happy seeing him happy and finally to find a closure someday.

    I will see how God will unfold my life…

    Thank you so much moonshine… I am glad a i have a friend in this cyberspace 😉

    • Laura

      The man who broke my heart so many times is trying to contact me again. Am I some kind of damned game to him? He told me he wants out; so I gave him space. Now he contacts me via text message several times a day and writes really sweet messages like he did when we were together. He returned from a trip a few nights ago and one of his texts said he’s glad to be back home so he can fall asleep looking at my picture (on his nightstand). It seems the more I ignore him the harder he tries. Then one day, I did reply to one of his texts. It wasn’t anything big…I simply answered, “yes” when he asked if I had a good weekend. As soon as I did; he shut down again. What is that about? If he truly has the feelings he is trying to express then why would he disappear as soon as I respond to him? And if he doesn’t have those feelings, why say the things he says? What the hell? Is this some kind of game guys play? Any input would be much appreciated.

  • Hanan

    Just share a little from mine,
    It started 2 years ago, when I was with my first ex. We had been for years, but my mom didn’t accept him as my ex. So I decided to backstreet. Everything was fine, until one day my friend told me that he cheated on me. At first I didn’t believe it. Until I met someone, call him Al. Al was my ex’s frienemies (friend and enemy). He told me that my ex cheated on his dating, who supposed to be his girlfriend but she prefer to be my ex’s affair. We was so choked up, so we supported each other and we became friends. 3 months after this mess, I choose to break up with him. Al cheered me up, and said that I’m beautiful and there’s a lot of guys want to be mine include him if he could. So, I decided to move on even though it was hard. A week later, Al messaged me. We talked pointless topic but it was fun and then he said that he liked me then he asked if I did the same or not. But I didn’t answer it:-) After that he gave me a voice note at NYE 2011, “Hi..hi…this is me, Al. Don’t be sad again. Happy new year! Hahaha.” I’m so cheered up and started to like him but I still remembered my ex. Until a week later, he surprised me by picked me up to school which was far from our house and he had to picked me up at 5.30am because it was so far. After he dropped me to school, he asked me to be his girlfriend. And I clearly say yes after all his efforts he had done.

    Month through month we had been through, I spent a lot of joyful times with him. He said that he was lucky to be mine because he had never had a girlfriend before and nobody wanted to be his girlfriend before. He said that my ex was so stupid to cheated on me and said he wouldn’t do that. I said that he was the one thing that brings me life. Then we shared cute moments I won’t forget. We had through thickk and thin and we were still fine. And I had my very first kiss with him. I thought this will be the final darkest time of my entire life, but I was wrong. September, it started again. He turned to be cold, but I didn’t know why. I had tried to do everything to get him back like the first we met, but I couldn’t. Until December, he broke up with me. I didn’t find anything wrong at first. I cried hard. And I couldn’t help myself.

    A day later, my friend, who was Al’s friend too, called me. She asked me if it’s true I broke up with me. I said that’s true. Suddenly she cried and said, “Hanan, I’m sorry:”( I wanted to tell you about this before but I was too afraid. Al is cheating with my friend. It happens 3 months ago. She had a boyfriend too, but she broke up a week ago. I saw them, what he had been done, he’s a jerk. I can’t tell you, it’s too hurt. I saw he sleep on her thigh, he lied on you, brought her everywhere while you didn’t get it from him. I’m sorry!! Please move on, and if he asks you to come back, just refuse it, he had hurt you bad!!!!”. And after that I tried to move on.. Until my birthday, December 15th, he messaged me happy birthday text and he would give a present for me. I was still hoping for it, even until now. But he didn’t give it….and I received a news that he was in a relationship with that girl now. He said that he was so sorry, but didn’t say anything to him. And soon, we never talked again.

    Now, I still think of him. Even though a lot of boys try to steal my heart, but they can’t, because they’re not Al. I know that it’s stupid but everytime I tried to move on I can’t get him outta my head. I still love him, but that’s not enough to take him back. I don’t want him back as my boyfriend, I just want him back as my best friend. That’s maybe true that people will love then gone as the time goes by, but I can’t pretend that I didn’t care of him. I still pray to God to take care him and hope he’ll get the best girl for him, even though it’s not me. I wanna be his friend again, but I’m afraid his girl will angry at me or he has forgotten me. I don’t know what to do, and I still stuck to see both of them and walk in my life fulll of regret.

  • Beautiful Love

    Hi, Moonshine,

    Thank you for your reply. I’m glad someone is listening to me. You are right that he should tells me about his engagement the first time we met. I guess he never intend to fall for me initially, neither me. We have some normal conversation, but after some time, we felt that we have some similarity in our characters and we do communicate well. We never argue, instead we listen to each other whenever we have indifferent opinions. Both of us were soft in solving problems or any issues. We can tolerate each other very well.
    Yes, I know I have to stop this, but how to let go someone you love when your relationship are still so good. How to start the conversation to let go this? Currently, it’s so hard for me to do it unless we have a big fight over some issues and that will be the excuse for us to let go… I’m glad you truly understand how I feel now. I’m confused what should I do now? to leave him immediately? I will be miserable if I have to leave him now.
    Do you mind to talk? Have email address?

  • Moonshine

    @ Fergusson

    I also have a good friend who is struggling with the fact that he’s gay. And he’s afraid to tell his family because of his culture & religion. He is even afraid to tell me. (I found out about it when he forgot his ipod at my place and I saw some videos on it). I will just wait untill he opens up.. but I just can’t bare to see him strugge with it.

    About your good friend and his girlfriend. Why don’t you just accept one of his invitations? Meet her and you might even like her and see that he’s truly happy with her. I’m sure you don’t want to lose your friendship and he is probably wondering why you are hiding from him. Maybe he will think that he’s done something wrong. I truly understand how hard this might be for you, but you can’t hide forever.

    Please let me know what you will do. And good luck! If you need a listening ear,you can always talk to me.

    • Laura

      @ Empty…thank you for your well wishes for me. Please be strong. He will contact you and try to keep you in his loop; even if he’s hanging onto the woman in India (or other women.) If he’s like the guy I was with he will work very hard to get your attention again. Please don’t go there. I did…got my heart broken all over again. I know your situation is a little different from mine but the fact remains we both got involved with men who crave attention from multiple women. Please believe me…he’s poison.