How to Accept a Breakup You Didn’t Want

How do you accept a breakup you didn’t want and didn’t see coming? Acceptance doesn’t happen overnight, but you can ease the pain of an unwanted and unexpected breakup. These tips will help you accept that your relationship ended and move into a fresh new season of life.

Surrendering to what you can’t change is simple in theory, but so difficult in practice! Accepting a breakup and letting go of the relationship doesn’t mean you’re helpless or powerless. On the contrary, there is strength and healing in acceptance. Surrendering to reality gives you power and hope. The most important thing is not to lose heart, and to stay connected to the only eternal source of peace and joy.

On How to Let Go of Someone You Love, over 100 readers asked for help accepting a breakup. Here is one of the most common comments: “I am struggling on how to accept, understand and let go of the greatest relationship and person I have ever met and been with. He was not in the right emotional place to give me the future that I wanted. He said he loved me but didn’t love me as much as I loved him. He felt like something was missing and he couldn’t string me along if he isn’t 100% sure about me. How do I accept this and move on?”

One of the best tips for accepting a breakup is to keep reminding yourself that you won’t always feel this bad. Give yourself time to grieve your loss; you have, after all, lost someone you love. Be gentle with yourself as you move through the pain of breaking up with someone you care for. And, most importantly, use this time to reconnect with God. Your spiritual self has been neglected lately, hasn’t it? Renewing your relationship with Jesus will help you accept even the most painful breakup.

5 Tips for Easing the Pain and Accepting a Breakup

Here’s another comment from a reader:

“We were known as the sweet happy loving couple with a beautiful family at work, school, community, everywhere,” says Gloria on How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for Her. “Why do I love someone so much that did me so wrong? Ten years he cheated on me, and I believed all those lies. I am so mad at myself. I was just too comfortable and thought he loved me completely. I need advice please.”

The more you fight the fact that your relationship ended, the worse you will feel. The more you resist the breakup, the harder it will be to heal and move on.

On the other hand, if you learn how to accept a breakup you will heal faster. You will gain emotional strength and health, and you will be happy. Living in a state of acceptance and surrender will fill you with the power you need to create the life of your dreams.

1. Learn to live with the shadows of loss

In When You Don’t Feel Good Enough to Be Loved, I share the somewhat disheartening – but true – insight that some losses will never leave us. Accepting the fact that life brings suffering, especially when we allow ourselves the gift of love, will make accepting a breakup and letting go easier.

“There are certain events that we may never accept fully,” writes Melody Beattie in More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations. “What can be accepted, though, is that we are required to live with these losses and find a way to go on.” Melody’s book is a daily “devotional” that I read every morning. It takes less than five minutes to read her daily meditations, and they help me accept everything about my life. The good, the bad, the ugly. Accepting a breakup is a daily process – it may even take years for you to feel like you’re truly healed and ready for a new relationship.

2. Grieve slowly and be gentle with yourself

“It’s a sad day when you find out that it’s not accident or time or fortune, but just yourself that kept things from you.” – Lillian Hellman.

One of the worst things you can do to yourself is not grieve your loss. There’s a difference between obsessing about your ex and grieving the end of your relationship. Obsession is about hanging on to the past; grief is about processing what happened and moving into your future.

It is a huge blow to be have to accept a breakup you didn’t want. You may feel rejected, crushed, and disappointed. It’s awful to discover your partner didn’t love you the way you loved him. Rejection is painful, and betrayal is devastating. It’s important to go through the grieving process as part of accepting a breakup you didn’t want – but it’s also important to help yourself move forward.

3. Look for the moon

“Barn’s burnt down,” said Mizuta Masahide. “Now I can see the moon.”

How to Accept a Breakup You Didn't Want
How to Accept a Breakup You Didn’t Want

The barn was your relationship: it was a safe place (even though it may also have been shabby, dirty, old or even unhealthy) for a season of your life. The fire was your breakup, which perhaps you even started. The moon is…what? You name it! Maybe it’s a chance to start a fresh life. Maybe you’ll challenge yourself in new ways – perhaps by getting a new job, learning new parenting skills, traveling to Italy, dreaming about becoming a writer, looking up old friends.

The breakup wasn’t your choice…but maybe it wasn’t a mistake. Maybe you wish you could turn back time and do things differently. Maybe you also know deep down that maybe your relationship wasn’t as good as you wanted, wished, or hoped for.

The hardest – and best – advice for accepting a breakup you didn’t want is to allow the idea that maybe your life could actually become better than it was before.

4. Start thinking about how you will reinvent yourself

For me, this is an easy tip on how to accept a breakup because I love change! I love new haircuts, new jobs, new experiences, new foods, new training programs for work, new trips to places I’ve never been. I even love Mondays because I never know what the week will bring.

But even for me, accepting a breakup or loss is painful. It hurts, and it’s not easy.

If you’ve been married for the past 25 years, the idea of suddenly reinventing yourself may not be easy or fun to think about. But just because it isn’t easy doesn’t mean it’s not right. Just because it’s difficult and painful doesn’t mean it’s not good. You won’t always feel this bad. You can accept this breakup, hold on to the best parts of yourself, and strengthen your weaknesses. You can be happy again…and you will eventually overcome the pain of breaking up.

5. Choose to let go and move on

Accepting a Breakup You Didn’t Want

In How to Let of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart, I share valuable insights and help for women who need help letting go of someone they love after a breakup.

Learn how to emotionally detach and become free, healthy, and whole. Don’t let the weight of grief and suffering drag you under or make you bitter!

How to Let of Someone You Love is an ebook – which means it’s immediately available. You’ll learn how to pick up the pieces of your broken heart and move forward into a fresh new season of life.

Your thoughts — big and little — are welcome in the comments section below. Writing is a great way to untangle your thoughts and emotions, which will help you start healing your hurts.

May you find and accept the blessings and gifts in this breakup you didn’t want.


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45 thoughts on “How to Accept a Breakup You Didn’t Want”

  1. I can’t seem to let go. I was engaged living such a great life with my partner we had travelled the world and experienced so much together it was really a great relationship. Then after some stresses at work he changed a little and ended up taking it out on me and out of no where turned around and left me. This was in another country where we had built a life, due to the fact we were both from different countries I was there under a visa which instantly was cancelled due to us breaking up. I had to leave my life as I knew it and move back to my home country and spent some time with my family. It was the biggest crush I have ever felt in my life. I cried for months and got myself in a very bad state. I finally picked myself up and kind of forced myself to accept this new job in a new country so I went and found it extremely difficult to get through the days when I didn’t have this person anymore who really was my best friend. I tried to talk with him but we didn’t really get anywhere so eventually we stopped talking, about a month passed and he started talking to me again, after a huge discussion he ends up saying everything I had hoped he would say about how he wanted us to get back together and appologised for everything that had happened and we spent the next month making plans on how to get back to the same place and move forward as a couple. Until now, he has just turned around and said he doesn’t want anything with me. How and why and he done this to me again? I feel so stupid, I confined with him if he was totally sure that we could fix this and that he wanted it and not to give me all these hopes of he did have any doubts. He had assured me this was for good. I told all my family and friends and had to talk some of them around the idea of it all after they seen my heartbreak before. Now I am left even worse than the first time. He has made it clear now we will never get back together and he doesn’t love me. I am literally a wreck my whole worlds been shuck again. How do I get over this and move on? I can’t seem to let go.

  2. I wanted you to know l am so happy and free from all my pain and overwhelming feelings of devastation in my heart l suffered a wonderful and long journey of self discovery of all the impotant soulful meaning in my own heart l didnt know how to protect nurture. Give provide uncondioal security to myself please understand no-one knows what u want or need more than yourself l now have trained and love to pamper love and. Give myself peace and contentment with everything i do and think l have formed limits boundaries. L value my time and talents and volunteer in usefull giving to projects worthwhile investing you cannot give or recive what you dont have in your knowledge find healthy friends who make u better for me it was church. Sorry but there is life in abundance you need to grow in a different directoin and find purpose in youself

  3. Great advice. I broke up with a girl i was dating and was really hoping to get serious with but something was nagging me because there was no reciprocity from her. I brought it up a few times told her how i felt and i was insulted. Broke it off after that. But yet i feel bummed and disappointed still i still have feelings for her my friends urged me to move on but its not easy.

    1. I feel the exact same way. I’m incredibly split between wanting to stay and knowing it’s best to leave. Doesn’t make it any easier to accept that it’s over, and I constantly question of there was anything I could have done differently to make him see the good in us. I know I couldn’t but the heart still hurts.

  4. My ex boyfriend is in the last leg of his military career. He wasn’t supposed to go anywhere for the next 3 years. He got unexpected orders out of the country for a year and then will be re stationed out of the country for another three years after. He said half of him was screaming to marry me, but he was too damaged from his first marriage and doesn’t think he can commit like that again despite HIM always being the one to talk about the future. The break up came right after he got the second set of orders. Originally breaking up wasn’t even on the radar I thought. It was stay in the military and I move too or get out. This is what our discussions had been. On a Sunday he told me not to worry. He loved me, I could trust him, and I was safe. Three days later, 45 min after his second set of Orders came, he broke up with me. Saying he knows he will always be alone if he is too scared to commit to me. Everything was good and I am devastated. I will never fully heal.

  5. Jan of this year the man I have been with 26yrs and the farther of my only child told us he was leaving because he fell in love with his best friend’s wife (we hung out as couples n she n I for years). He tried staying in our home while seeing her until our 16yr son asked him to leave. She hd kicked out her husband on Christmas Day for a trivial reason. It is now June and not only is he publicalky having the affair, he is posting pics of them on instagram and is LIVING WITH HER AND HER KIDS. To say my son and I are devastated is a serious understatement We are just trying not to drown at this point

  6. This was so powerful to read. I am in the beginning stages of a breakup I didn’t want. I have been going in the same circle of feelings for 10 days now. Can I make him try again? Is he wavering on his decision, how will I tell our children? All of these go through my mind a million times a day. I don’t want to see the hurt on our children’s faces when we tell them. Thankfully he is only leaving me and is a great dad. But that doesn’t make it any easier for me to let go. 18 years of knowing, loving, hating, laughing and lying beside the same man is hard to let go. I am thankful Goethe friends and family I have. They don’t sugar coatbtheir feelings about our relationship. Our relationship has been rocky more times than I can count. They just want me to be happy. This was a great read for helping to accept the almost unacceptable loss.

  7. Omg I’m so sorry your going through this. My story is pretty much the same, besides if there were someone he’d lie about it. We have been together 7 yrs , He has been clean an sober almost a year now. All of a sudden he tell me he only has friendship to offer.

  8. TB,

    You know in your heart, mind and soul that this relationship isn’t good for you. You know you need to learn how to accept this breakup – even though you didn’t want it and you wish things were different.

    Give yourself time to grieve the end of this relationship. It’s hard to let go of someone you love. We were created to be together, to enjoy each other’s companionship and love! So when we break up, we suffer.

    Grieve, but don’t allow grief to take over your life, your friendships, and your days. Be stronger than that!

    Get out of your own pain, your own head. Start focusing on what your friends are going through, on what suffering the people around you are experiencing. Start giving and helping others — and stop selfishly drowning in your own pain.

    And, read this article:

    7 Things to Remember When You Miss Your Boyfriend

    Let him go. Allow yourself to heal, to accept the breakup, and to experience the joy of a healthy life.

  9. After a 13 year relationship with a bipolar, alcoholic man, with whom I was deeply in love, he has gotten sober and is taking medications and therapy measures to control his bipolar symptoms. A lot of damage was done to our relationship as a result of his drinking. He has been going to regular AA meetings for about 9 months and over the past two months seems to have made great progress in becoming more positive about life. We had been taking a break since early March because we felt it would be best in order for him to really embrace the AA program and to give me the time I needed to heal from the hurts of the past. Also over the past two months he began to make efforts to be the man I had always wanted and needed him to be. He was making plans and keeping our dates. He was offering to do jobs around my house and run errands for me and doing them. We had not told each other we loved each other for several months because I thought we should wait until we were back in a good place – that’s how we would know when things were right again. I would still call him my pet names for him when we talked but he would not call me my pet names. I was ok with this because I knew he would again in due time.
    Then he told me he had looked up an old girlfriend, as well as other old college friends, during a time when he and I weren’t talking much and he was very lonely. He told me he didn’t think I still cared and he needed someone to talk to. The girl is going through a divorce from an alcoholic husband and they have several children. She lives quite a few states away. They commiserated for a couple weeks on the phone then realized “there was something there”. She is traveling from her home state to ours in a few weeks to spend a long weekend at his house. He tells me they’re just friends and I shouldn’t make more of it than it is, but he also told me she’s coming to see just what it is that is there between them. He called her the pet name he always called me that meant so much to me. He has formed an attachment to her over the phone by reminiscing about the fun days of their past and commiserating about the problems in their current relationships.
    Because of the problems we have had in the past my head tells me to just let go and learn how to accept a breakup I didn’t want. We have agreed from the very beginning that infidelity is a deal breaker in our relationship. He doesn’t think he has been unfaithful because they have not had a physical relationship, but the text sure sounded like they’re planning on having one. He swears the text was a joke still two weeks after I first saw it.
    My heart, on the other hand, is crushed. I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t concentrate at work. As much as my head says just let him go, my heart says don’t do it. We’re not talking right now. I told him I won’t share him with another woman with whom he has an emotional attachment and he calls MY pet name!
    I just need someone to give me some support here. I have talked to friends ad nauseum and would like an outside perspective. All those wonderful gestures that had my heart swooning now seem to be a game he played just to ease his guilty conscience. ???

    1. He’s an alcoholic (like me).
      He will have grabbed on to that woman as a lifebelt when you 1st split’s what they do..and part of the illness of alcoholism…but it’s wrong..and he should know it’s wrong if he’s any way serious about his recovery…BTW 9months in recovery is merely a start.
      I hope you didn’t go through too much pain back then and we’re able to deal with that impending visit..

      1. My ex is narcissistic and started searching for women to go to before I even moved out. We were just going to give each other space and now I am out of his life completely. I am devastated but have to understand that if I am so easily replaced, what did I mean to him in the first place? It’s hard to accept. Everyday I am in pain and feel embarrassed that I’m so hurt rather than angry.

        1. This just happened to me, we ju add t went on a vacation, returned home, got along great for a week. Then she just stopped communicating completely! No texts, calls, ignoring mine! Two weeks later I get she says I dont want to be with you! I ran into her the other day and she seemed so happy without me! I was devastated! I was a good person to her and she made me feel so unimportant!

  10. Dear Ms Bond,

    There is no easy way to accept a break up and be happy again! Different things work for different people – and you need to find what heals you from the inside out.

    In the past, how have you overcome heartache and pain? How do you accept life at its worst?

  11. I’m really pleased to see its not just me feeling so low while working through a breakup. I’m struggling to accept my bf decision, we met through work 10 months ago – I was coming through a divorce and he provided fun and laughter. Some months into our relationship his teenage daughter has been going through a very dark time and moved into his house full time. Consequently we’ve had very little time together and a lot of our efforts have gone into ensuring she is ok. My bf has become very withdrawn from everyone including me, leading him to tell me he doesn’t see a future with me. I desperately want to believe that without all the challenges with his daughter we may have had a future. Unfortunately this is leaving me with a tiny piece of hope that we can fix this, he has given me know sign he wants to makeup so I keep feeling like we’re breaking up over and over again. Any advice to to help me accept his decision so I can start moving on would be appreciated.

  12. 3 days before i broke up wid my bf.m feeling really hurted…ahaha..we were in relationship for d past 1 d starting of d relation he said me tht he will nvr leave me,n will marry me.but recently wen i askd him again now he is saying no.he broke my heart very badly.plz help me how can i forget him forever.:(

  13. We been dating 4 month then the brokeup happen. one month passed by and so completely hardest thing ever to let go someone you felt for.
    I know I must learn to accepted our differences and incompatible as he told me. I also need to learn and accepted that it’s over and gone for the best. I’d tried so hard to remind my self that he isn’t the one will make me happy. But my stupid mind refuse with denial to let it go. When there’s 95% of my heart still belief in him that he want us back someday but only 5% of subconscious told me if we ever get back again, we won’t get any better.
    That one month past by he tried to asked for friend which only letting me have hope about us. but it does not work that way for me. I can’t have hope in order for me to move on and be happy again with my life. we do have different goal and plan. Now I have to go on without contacts him and from last week talk to him on the phone which I shouldn’t pick up at all but I failed. Now im back to square one again. Due to my stupid PMS mood and brokeup issues, I almost walk out from my important job that my whole family depend on. Last time we spoke, I told him I accepted his decision but he need to accepted my requested of no contact at all. Over all he seem to agree about it that’s why I didn’t see any of his text or call anymore now. So im hoping he won’t call me ever and I can be heal. But the problem is we still work in the same place. I wish he quit his job and go a diff place. But I think he finally get the point now when I told him not to say hi or asked how im doing anymore. I told him it won’t help me heal if he still want to talk or be friend. At least now or next couple month.
    Something I’ve learn from this relationship is that never date a person who just brokeup with his ex. And never make anyone your priority when the other made you thier option. At the moment I am going thru crisis, crying, devastating, angry, depression, sad but he seem to walk fine and flirting with others. while im stressing out here, he could be making out with some chick who know. Or be on the phone with his new gf. Anyway, I have to live strong and understand my priorities with responsibilities. I guess the healing time is taking longer than I expected. this second month, I hope to feel better than I am right now. Rather than thinking of him 24/7 over nothing. Overall I need to lose hope about us. so I can move on with my life again. That’s when im totally done and it’s over then gone.

  14. Hello! Actually i have been moving on since 4 years. The guy left me for my sister who was already his friend via whom i met my ex. They were very happy together. Being only 16 i was quite desperate and since everything was happening before me, it was difficult not to feel jealous yea i did despite trying not to and to feel hurt. Finally i realised that i had hurt my ex by not wanting commitment but at 16 it was obviously notone of my important goals. Today i found myself during this pasy year into an illegitimate relationship with him as he came back to me saying he loved me. Guess i got all woud up as my self esteem was so low. But today i realised that im doing a very bad thing and cheating on people. furthermore, the guy is a winner from both sides. Therefore i stopped this obsession and stopped contacting him as i saw he used my emotions to get what he wanted. Today i am proud of myself for liberating myself from this relationship nd having worked on myself after learning from my past mistakes and experience.

  15. Evn i had a breAk up with my bf (whm i used to consider as ma husband). It was not exactly a break up we had. But , i felt tht i need to maintain distance from that guy after having a llong term relationshp. He says , he makes me feel also tht he luvs me the most , but again, and again, he hurts me to such a deep extent tht it always becoms beyond ma imagination..He asks fr forgiveness aftr hurtng me everytime but immediately after couple of hrs of patch up, he does the same mistake..I dont knw whethr dliberately or in deliberately he is breakng up ma heart. But on ths dat, at ths momnt, i feel like–thos is enough..i cant handle these all anymre..m totally broken and pissed..I have had made so many sacrifices fr ths guy , but he nva understnds ma luv..he tells me sumthng and does sumthng else..I really dont knw whethr i hv takn a correct decision or not..But sumhw i feel like, i’ll be not happy without him, but atleast i wont cry..i feel like, ths is time i shoud focus on ma carrer, my family members, my own life..I am going to change my lifestyle completely..i must make a habit to stay away frm hm..It really hurts being togethr..Anyway, i trust on My Lord..i’ll be okhey soon…

  16. I’ve been having a really terrible month. My niece (she was just shy of turning 2) passed away suddenly, my boyfriend (who I let down my walls for and really loved) and I broke up after I found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t the reason for the break up, I’m moving a couple hours away for school, get this, not september 2012, but september 2013 and he says he can’t deal with losing me? He says he needs time to think about things..mean while i find out he’s been kissing some girl, in the time that he was supposed to “think about things”. I did get an abortion yesterday, everything is fairly fresh and it’s been really hard staying strong. I cry a lot at night and to myself, I feel uncomfortable if i show those emotions in front of people. I just texted him telling him that if he really did love and want me, he would be with me now and that what we are doing isn’t healthy. His response was less than impressive. i feel a lot better if I don’t see him, but I live in a small town and we have a lot of mutual friends. After writing this down it’s making me realize how bad of a person he actually is. I always made excuses for him because I loved him. i always saw my friends get messed around by boys and thought how crazy they were for it and mean while I am getting messed around and only realize now. haha. I’m usually a really happy and friendly girl and I’m looking forward to when I’ll feel back to normal again, i know i will it’s just hard right now. The best thing I found was to realize I’d have awesome days and also days where I feel really low. Allowing myself to feel things is helping me. I’ve listened to speeding cars by imogen heap a lot. helps calm me down when i feel irrational and it’s really beautiful sounding so it makes me appreciate things when there isn’t too much i’m appreciating in real life. Stay strong ladies!

  17. I just broke up with the love of my life. I trusted him and then BOOM it was gone. those suspicions, they were and still are driving me crazy. He’s the person i love the most and somewhere deep inside i know he loves me too. But he hurt me so…I thought that i would end all this pain by breaking up with him but it only gets worse. i cry and i cry, he texts and calls and he wouldn’t let go. it’s heartbreaking. and he’s my friend as well, i wish i could just talk to him about what’s going on. i have that urge. i try to resist. i try to burn the bridges, i think that’s exactly what i should do. and i still feel liek someone had stabbed me but wouldn’t end my misery…

  18. Hi Laurie,am in the stage of learning to let go of my ex when seeing him with his latest love.I was in a relationship with him for close to ten months then he starts behaving suspiciously with a new girl in school and we fought a lot and then he confessed that he had slept with her a month before and he was in love with her(he had found a job and got her one and another friend male)i believed him despite the fact that she was sleeping in his house that is one-bedroomed(i trusted him that much)and he called us one afternoon telling us he was letting go of us because he was being selfish and he didnt know how to choose but he still came to see me and we made out then one night i couldnt sleep and i decided to go to his place and heard them arguing and later making out and later on read the girl’s diary(i was being played for a fool for a while)and he still said he loves me but he wants to know her so he’s living with her so i decided to find a job(we are all students in a university)in another city and forget him completely i have written down his cons and am battling that voice inside me that he could come back to me by making friends,writting a book,committing to bible study and fellowship and singing and even if it’s by a tiny bit am feeling better and i will get over him and i will never get back with him

  19. i had a relationship of 1 year…and all of a sudden my bf told me that his mom doesn’t agree with our relationship because we are of different race..i am an indian and he is a punjabi..why should his mom say it now when she knews about it earlier..and my bf’s mind has changed just because of his mom’s words..that realy hurts me alot..i dont know how can he just forget everything between us easily…i am jus suffering every second thinking of him..

  20. Thank you for sharing how you’re coping with a bad break up. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but glad you have the strength and courage to share your story.

    Can you see that you’re not alone? One of the best ways to overcome a bad breakup is to connect with people going through the same thing. Their pain and healing can make you stronger.

    You CAN cope with this and move on, but you need to find what works for you. Some people really like to focus on their future and long-term goals, while others need to get through the next hour. Knowing how you heal will help you overcome the pain and find happiness again.

    And, sharing your story can help you overcome the pain, because it changes how you see your relationship and your self.


  22. I first got together with Brandon at a
    hockey game. I never really knew if he liked me or not because I thought that everyone was pressuring him into going out with me. So i never really found out if that was true or not. But our relationship only lasted about a week, i know what your thinking, a week well how is that even a REAL relationship then or how can u even call it a relationship? Well it was a nice relationship for me. I really liked him for a long time! and then before i knew it, i was dating him! I felt happy and wanted! What really hit me was when he finally said to me…I love you! That hit me because during our relationship I wasn’t convinced that he loved me as I loved him. But, the weird thing was when i would txt him or something, i would be so in love that stupid things would just fall out of my mouth!…but one night i felt that urge that oh i dont know that he didn’t love me anymore and that we wern’t really contacting anymore. that i just said I think we should just be friends, and i then he weirdly says…Lexi, u are a really nice girl but i think we should just be friends. then i said ok, then he says cool. End of disscussion! But, i was really eartbroken and depressed. nobody even knows how heartbroken and depressed I was and STILL AM! i cant ever get my mind off him and believe me, ive tried EVERYTHING!!! I talked to a professional consolaur, read books, articials, talked to my friends, deleted and erased everything from my mind from him, deleted his contact and tried to spoil me and everything! I even tried other boyfriends but then i broke there hearts because mine was still broken! </3

  23. my boyfriend of 6months broke up with me yesterday because I researched about his past..the reason I initiated the research was not because I am an insecure person but it was because it took him 2 months to tell me he had a son from a previous relationship.. This got me suspicious and I just wanted to find out more about who I was dealing with, I didn’t want anymore surprises..I’m really hurt because during the past 6 months he has made me a very happy woman.. He was very sweet.. I know I maybe I should have trusted him and not research about him.. I doubt I will ever come across some one as sweet as he is.. I am so hurt, wish I could bring him back but seemingly his mind is made up.. I just don’t know if I’ll ever have energy to date again, a heart break is just too much to bear.. Too much..

  24. Hi laurie, I am in a very difficult situation. Break up with the father of my 2 kids, we are not married but all living together. I sleep inside the room w my 2 kids while he sleep in living room. He avoiding me evrytime he see me, he will go out from the house quickly, as if i hv virus. It hurting me so much. he break up w me and some more he avoiding me. I asked him if me n kids can just move out from the house bec im grieving from break up i cannot move on if im still living w him.I ask him if me n kids can move out because i hv no money to rent other flat. he said ok he will pay for it but wait til end of may bec no money yet. Im working in his company and he is earning alot, he is earning 10x of the rent deposit. i dnt understand why hv to wait end of may. and why he can live with our situation like this. Is he not hurt? He doesnt need to move on? He moved on already thats why its ok with him if we all still living together? I really cannot understand the situation anymore. The other day we agreed to get a lawyer to discuss how can he support me n our kids. When i wrote down my demand and i told him he can edit it as to what he want, bur he got angry and said he will never help me anymore. I really dont understand anymore what is happening. Now im stocked in his house. he dnt let me work in his company anymore, but im statring a small business, no income yet thats why i cannot be independent yet. Evryday im crying and hugging my kids. I really cannot understand our situation. pls advise me wat to do. thank u so much.

  25. Hi Laurie –
    I recently got dumped by my boy friend. We had been dating for just 11 months but became quite serious. We had an apartment together and he just recently moved out and decided to pursue a job in Hawaii. I feel like I am in a constant tsunami of emotions. I did all the wrong things after our breakup, and didn’t give him time and space and tried to “fix” our relationship. Every day I regret the things that I hadn’t done in our relationship. It was a shock when he broke up with me as this was someone that I wanted to marry. I keep trying to think positive and I know time heals all wounds but I can’t seem to get over him. He was the best part of my life and I don’t know how to go on without him. I feel empty and lack any type of motivation. I wish things had turned out differently.

  26. Dear Laurie..Great article.
    I’m going through a worst pain.I had a very best friend of mine who always cared for me so much.He said he loves me and wants to get committed to me.As he was younger to me i was afraid to admit but i started to get feelings for him..All of a sudden he spoke so ill about me,abused my family.I Was unable to understand why he behaved like that.When i asked him what went wrong he made his family member to scold me.They started telling i’m disturbing him when he has no feelings for me.I pleaded his family member to allow me to speak to him for 5 min. He just shouted at me infront of them,twisting and blaming everything on me.
    There was many mistakes from my side i expected regular messages,calls from him.I could have troubled him.But the punishment he gave is so big.His words n behaviour is haunting me,can’t digest the bad girl image from his family side. It hurts so deeply.I don’t understand what made him to give me this hell.

  27. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Celeste,

    I’m sorry to hear how hard it is for you to overcome your breakup and be happy again. Breaking up is heartbreaking — I know.

    It sounds like you need to rebuild your life. Your ex is the main thing in your life — and it should never be that way. A boyfriend or husband should be one component of a busy, happy, healthy, fulfilling life! Not the pivotal point or the cornerstone.

    It’ll be painful, but you need to move forward. You need to find things that interest you — and remember that life is about MORE than a love relationship! The more fulfilled and happy you are in your life, the more attractive you’ll be to others and to yourself.

    What makes you happy, outside of your ex?

  28. Hi Laurie, chance upon ur site and was glad that there is someone who keep up and responds to comments despite the article being written some time ago. I had broken up with my boyfriend of almost 4 years about 2 months ago. It was a mutual decision, mainly due to parent’s pressure (my parents didn’t quite like him) and I also thought it was a good chance for us to experience more of the outside world before we decide that we’re the one for each other. In our early 20s here by the way. Recently my only best friend drifted apart from me due to some issues. I felt like I’m all alone, I’ve lost the 2 most important people in my life. My ex is very supportive, offering to be friends and to be there whenever I need someone. It made it harder for me to forget about him even though it was really nice of him. Maybe I was too lonely or I just felt reliant on him, I tried to get him back through all means. I felt like I could do anything but he didn’t want to, he said he won’t get into a relationship any sooner; he doesn’t want any commitment, just want to have fun. I even suggested I could be the only one committing and I won’t mind if he’s meeting other girls. Very silly but I didn’t want to lose him. He said there’s still feelings, he still cares for me but he just didn’t want to be back in the relationship any more. He insists on being friends. I find myself going back to him again and again, I couldn’t forget the times we had together even though I know we broke up for a reason. I made a pact with him that if we are still single maybe 1 year down the road, we can try and see if things works out between us again. But I feel so devastated, I can’t stop talking to him, he’s like my pillar of strength and support throughout this few years. I don’t have any other friends I can rely on for support and I don’t want my family to know I still can’t get over..

  29. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Jan,

    Thanks for sharing your relationship here. It sounds like both you and your boyfriend are in a lot of pain. It’s a helpless feeling, seeing someone you love feel so bad about himself, isn’t it? Depression can be so devastating on so many levels.

    Is it possible to find a balance between moving on and making sure he’s okay? Staying friends isn’t a healthy option, as you can’t go back to holding hands (or just having coffee!). But of course you don’t want to just abandon him – he’s in pain.

    I think a good (but difficult) solution is to stay in periodic touch, perhaps by email every month. Let him know you’re thinking about him, but that you need time and space to heal. You really do need to protect your heart and mind, because the more contact you have, the harder it’ll be to move on.

    Consider calling a depression hotline, and asking for advice on helping from a distance. They may even suggest no contact at all – they might encourage you to send him resources, and let him pick up those resources when he’s ready.

    I wrote this article for you:

    How to Recover the Years You Wasted in a Relationship

    And you may also be interested in this one:

    How to Cope With Your Partner’s Depression in a Relationship

    I hope this helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.


  30. My bf is clinically depressed and has broken up with me. We are both in our mid-forties and have been together for 3 years. He has been depressed before but has never broken up with me before. He refuses to go to his doctor to get help. I’m heartbroken and at my wits end – he said he wants to be friends as thats all he can offer right now, that he is a waste of space and that I deserve to be with someone who can give me the time and affection I deserve. I cant be friends with someone I love, but I’m worried about him and how else can I keep contact and make sure he’s ok? Is there any point? Should I just try to move on and accept that the relationship is over? Can someone with chronic depression really have a successful relationship? I feel like I’ve wasted the past 3 years of my life on hopes and plans for the future that are now just gone and dont think I can put myself through this again. Any advice would be appreciated.

  31. Dear Lourie,

    Thank you for this article. It is really painful overcoming heartache…
    I am thankful that this article can help me in this strugle of one way or another…

    More power to you!



  32. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi Wesley,

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re still struggling with sadness and loss because of your breakup. It’s hard to let go of people we love…and it’s really hard to learn that they’re in a new relationship!

    I wrote this article for you:

    Relationship Breakup Advice – Help Getting Over Your Ex

    I hope it helps.

    Best wishes,

  33. Hi Laurie

    I’m a 19 year old full time student. I been dating this girl ( who i cared the most) for about a year and a half. but now out of nowhere she decided she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and she didn’t even tell me why she broke up.. It’s been a couple years since our break up and now she found new guy to be with, which I’m happy for her but disapointed at the same time because I care about her and I admit that I still have feelings for her.I’ve been trying so hard to forget about her. I apply for a job, meet new people, delete her from my facebook friends list, anything that help me forget about her. but it seems it’s not working.

  34. My newly deceased husband of 20yrs was a product of an abusive stepfather and submissive mother. He was constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY told he was “no good” if he didn’t tow the line every day to the exacting standards of his abusive stepfather. That went double for the mother. This monster of a “father” also introduced my deceased to alcohol in excessive quantities at a very early age.
    The alcohol and the abuse were like a giving my husband a loaded double-barreled shotgun set of to off. After 30 years of emotional abuse, which he internalized, and heavy drinking, my husband died in 2007 of liver failure at the young age of 49.
    And this monster of a father-in-law lives! And I’m having a lot of trouble with this atrocity, knowing it was the seeds of self-hate that this stepfather-in-law planted in his young and impressionable stepson (he was only 1.5yrs old when his mother married this beast), that lead to years and years of self-abuse through negative self-talk and alcohol abuse and finally death to a young man and father of 2 children himself (our children)!
    And I find myself wanting justice! I want revenge for his untimely and premature death at the hands of ignorant parents and abusive parenting.
    I’m so angry!!! I don’t know how to cope with knowing he died and they live on wearing halos! Like they had nothing to do with it, when in fact, their abusive parenting skills had EVERYTHING to do with it!!!
    How do I deal with this roiling anger I feel towards these ignorant individuals who I now have to continue to call my “in-laws” and my surviving children call “grandparents”?
    To this day, they wash their hands of any wrong doing. They say they don’t know what happened to their son. Yet, he is gone I WANT JUSTICE!
    Please advise and thank you.

  35. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Lorie,

    I’m sorry to hear about your breakup — overcoming a breakup is definitely sadder and more difficult when your ex has already moved on!

    Distancing yourself physically and emotionally may be the best way to heal your heartache. It’s too difficult to move on if you’re still in touch with her. I hope you can find the strength and courage to let her go, at least for several months, while you heal your broken heart.


  36. nice advise….i can really relate to this particular situation right now…its really hard for me to move knowing that my ex want me to be her bestfriend, i tried not to contact him but everytime she text me i replied….just to make it clear my ex is girl also….now she has new girlfriend for just a couple of days and then she still want me to stay as her bestfriend….so how can i move on

    need more advised about this…

  37. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thanks for your comments and tips for overcoming a breakup…they’re so helpful!

    It’s such a cliche, but I find that time helps more than anything. It’s heartbreaking at the beginning and it feels like life is over, but the more time goes by, the easier it gets.

    But then I hear of some people who haven’t gotten over a breakup that happened 5 or 10 or even 20 years ago, and I wonder what’s up with that!

  38. Hi Laurie!

    Breakups are so hard! My heart goes out to everyone who is going through this right now.

    I went through a divorce about five years ago, and boy was it tough. For me, the best lessons that I learned from the experience were to stay in touch with my feelings (don’t bottle them up), express compassion for myself AND embrace compassion for my former husband.

    Breakups are tough no matter who initiates it. All of our experience are meant to serve us and help us to learn and grow. Although I am happy that my divorce experience is over, I wouldn’t change a thing about it because of all that it taught me about myself and what I’m capable of.

    ((( hug )))

    .-= Susan Liddy´s last blog post …SURVEY Results: “What do you think of beauty pageants like Miss America and Miss USA?” =-.

  39. Conversation Arts

    Hi Laurie, the article you’ve written has so much truth about it. Point Number 5 really hits home for myself, not just in relationships but just in life in general when I get stressed out. Whether it’s with my parents, my current relationship or the break up. Focusing on the bigger picture helps remind us that who we dated isn’t supportive of the bigger picture.

    I’ve also found dealing with clients before that sometimes after a break up occurs is to put away all the gifts or objects that were given over the years, and to store it away or give it a friend until the emotions have calmed down. Old mementos can trigger feelings of love and can make it more difficult.
    .-= Conversation Arts´s last blog post …Your Friends Will Lie To Your Face After Your Break Up =-.

  40. Great article! The most painful hurt of all! And I know we’ve all been there. And no matter what other people say or how many self-help articles we read, it would all be useless if we don’t decide to get better. Focus on other stuff other than yourself for once. You will see that there is more to life than the one who broke your heart.