You’re in love, but you’re worried your fiancé or partner will leave or think less of you if you tell him everything about your past.
If so, you’re not alone…
“This month I am getting married to my fiancé,” says Shefali on How to Make Your Second Marriage Successful. “Should I tell him about my previous marriage [which ended by mutual agreement after one month]? If yes, then when? I’m positive he won’t find out about my past in the future.”
Yes, I think she should tell her fiancé about her previous husband because that is a huge, important experience she’s had. It’s not a “little” life experience like kissing her cousin or stealing a pair of jeans when she was 12 or having a fling with a guy she met when she hitchhiked throughFrance. A previous marriage isn’t something a woman should hide from her fiancé.
Whether or not you’ve done premarital counseling (which every engaged couple should do), I recommend Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: 7 Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry. You’ll discover how to communicate honestly and deeply, not just talk. You’ll learn how to become “soul mates” – not just marriage partners.
How Much Should You Tell Your Fiancé About Your Past?
These are a few general thoughts on how much you should disclose about your past. Everyone’s situation is different – only you know your fiancé’s personality, values, and habitual ways of responding to you and others.
I am writing from a Canadian woman’s perspective. Shefali, who asked how much she should tell her fiancé about her past, is an Indian woman who comes from a traditional background and culture. What I believe about revealing one’s past has a lot to do with my North American culture, and it may not be the right answer for a woman who was born and raised in traditionalIndia.
If you’re still getting to know your fiancé – and the wedding is fast approaching – read 8 Signs of the Perfect Boyfriend for You.
Ask yourself why you want to hide your past from your fiancé
People hide their pasts for various reasons: fear of rejection, shame, embarrassment, fear of judgment, reluctance to face up to their mistakes and choices, and plain old laziness. It’s easier to pretend the past doesn’t exist than it is to actually have to deal with it!
My mom is awfully schizophrenic, and I was always humiliated and ashamed to tell people about her. I thought they’d think less of me, so I hide everything about her. If one of my friends caught a glimpse of her, I’d deny she was my mother (she wore dirty, torn, baggy clothes, most of her teeth are missing, she was overweight, and she had long black hair). My husband hasn’t even met her yet – but that’s because we live far apart geographically, not because I’m ashamed. Now that I’m 42 years old, I care less what people think – and I know my husband will love me regardless. Also, my mom doesn’t travel and I didn’t see the value in us traveling all the way over to her province for a meeting. What good would it do? I talk to her every two weeks, but she’s not part of my life the way a normal mother is.
I hid my past because I was ashamed to reveal who I really was and where I come from. I didn’t trust my friends or boyfriends to accept me for who I was. I didn’t tell anything about my childhood because I hadn’t accepted it myself.
You tell me: was I wrong for keeping my mom a secret? What does that say about me, my self-confidence, my friends, my perspective on life?
Ask yourself what type of marriage you want
Are you okay with your fiancé keep secrets from you? Are you okay with being married to someone who you can’t tell everything to? Are you okay with suppressing part of your life, about living a lie for the length of your marriage? Then yes, you should keep your secrets, hide your past, and not share your life.
But, if you want an open, honest, trusting, mutually accepting relationship, then I think you should tell your fiancé about your past. Especially if it’s a previous marriage! I think he has the right to know you’ve taken this step once before.
If you’re not sure how your fiancé will react if you tell him about your past, read How to Know if You Should Marry the Guy You’re Engaged to.
Remember that who you are is a result of what you’ve done
You’ve come a long way, baby – you’ve learned and grown, achieved and succeeded. You’ve also failed and made mistakes. Everything you’ve done has made you what you are today: smarter, wiser, more self-confident, and more insightful.
So, there is nothing you need to be ashamed of. Your experiences have made you who you are, and you should be proud of who you are. You’re allowed to make mistakes, impulsive decisions, and stupid choices. We all do – if we’re living life to the fullest!
If you’re happy with who you are, then you should tell your partner everything about your past – both good and bad.
Please feel free to share your thoughts below — will you tell your fiancé all your secrets and everything you’ve done? I can’t offer advice, but you may find it helpful to share your experience.