Getting Through the Day When You’re a Grieving Widow

When you’re grieving, they tell you to take it “one day at a time.” A day seems like forever when you don’t have the energy or motivation to get through the next hour! These suggestions and prayers for grieving widows are from Kathleen, who lost her husband after a long battle with Parkinson’s Disease. She shares how she gets through the long days and finds comfort as a grieving widow.

Kathleen’s husband’s death was more painful and sad than she expected – even though she was prepared. She thought she was ready to say goodbye; she had no idea that simply getting through the day would be so difficult. If you’re a grieving widow who is struggling, you may find hope and healing here. Her experience may help you see you are not alone. Also, if you scroll through the readers’ comments below you’ll learn how other widows are coping with their husband’s death. Learning how other women experience grief and process pain can help you get through today. I also offer a prayer for grieving widows at the end of this article.

I am sorry you lost your husband. My 89 year old father-in law died last month; he and my mother-in-law were married for almost 63 years. The loss and grief is deep. I myself have never been a grieving widow, but I’m beginning to understand that there is no “getting over it.” There is only an entirely different life.

There are certainly no quick or easy tips on how to recover from loss and survive grief. You, like my mother-in-law, may be in the “grieving widow” category but you are an individual. You are on a personal journey that you can will walk alone. You may have friends and family members, and even new companions, but nobody can know exactly how you feel.

But take heart! Other widows may not know exactly how you feel, but they understand what it’s like to lose a husband after decades of marriage. You aren’t grieving through your days alone.

How to Get Through the Day When You’re a Grieving Widow

You may find Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief helpful. Martha Whitmore Hickman understands the helplessness and hopelessness of thinking of oneself as a grieving widow – especially if you can barely that your husband is dead! Death is surreal sometimes, even impossible to believe. Martha’s daily meditations will help you work through grief and the understand the grieving process.

Grief is exhausting. The grieving process often leaves widows without emotional energy or motivation to read much in one sitting. The daily meditations for working through grief in this book are specifically designed for grieving widows. The one page entries are short, comforting, and heartwarming.

4 Ways to Get Through the Day as a Grieving Widow

There’s no “normal” response to death. Everybody is different, which means you’ll grieve differently than a family member or coworker. Accepting yourself and others’ response to death is an important part of the grieving process!

These tips for grieving widows can help you accept other people’s ways of mourning, and identify your own most helpful ways to grieve through the day. After the practical tips is Kathleen’s experience with the loss of her husband, and a prayer for grieving widows.

1. Stay involved with people, even just a little

Being with people who have experienced similar losses can help you cope with your grief. Just knowing you’re not alone can be reassuring; spending time with people who care helps you deal with your painful feelings. If you don’t find the bereavement group to be supportive, don’t be afraid to try a different one. And, joining a grief support group when you lose your husband will show you how others cope with loss — which will help with your own mourning process.

2. Learn about online grief groups

Many people are now using sites like Facebook and their own personal blogs to deal with their feelings about the death of a loved one. To deal with grief, visit the blog or website of your loved one and write to them on it. You can write poetry, letters, songs, or even a one-liner, simply stating how you feel and what you think. This tip for grieving widowers or widowers involves finding different or unusual ways to let go of someone you love.

3. Relieve and let go of the past slowly

Feeling your grief, anger, guilt, and all your emotions is important. Let yourself grieve. You may feel like your heart will break or you’ll fall into a black pit and never get out, but it’s important to feel your feelings. Not experiencing the grief of widowhood will delay the healing process and even make getting through the day more difficult. Express your feelings in creative, active, quiet and personal ways. Emotions hurt…and they’re helping you heal the grief of losing your husband.

4. Remember that time doesn’t erase grief, but it does lighten it

Time does heal when you’re surviving the death of your husband. Whether it completely heals ALL wounds is a different story, but it does dull the pain a little. Your feelings of loss and sadness may never go away, but with time your heavy burden of sadness will lighten.

Writing about your thoughts and feelings can be healing, even therapeutic. If you wrote your husband’s eulogy, you know how painful it is to write about the death of someone you love. Hopefully, writing also untangled difficult emotions and helped you release your grief.

If you’d like to share story of how you lost your husband, I welcome your comments below. Did you have a funeral, memorial service, or a celebration of life? How do you feel about being called a widow? What helps you get through the days and nights?

How Grieving Widows Get Through the Day
Getting Through the Day – Grieving Widows

How Kathleen Rediscovered Her Strength

My husband bravely, but with sadness, faced the truth of his fading good health and active life.  He was a man who loved the outdoors, our canoe journeys on the rivers and lakes, and our gardens. A musician, he entertained at community events that included wedding receptions and charitable functions.

The diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease was frightening because we knew that there was no cure. Throughout the following six years as his condition worsened we cried together often. Deprived of his balance, he couldn’t enjoy the canoe, and with the tremors increasing and his strength lessening, he could not play his fiddle. We faced it together, in our home, until pneumonia ended his life one cold February day.

After his death, a profound sense of loss overwhelmed me.  Family members were helpful, but I had the terrible and terrifying feeling of being lost – away from myself. I could hear their voices, understand the actual words, but not really comprehend enough to participate in real conversations.

My meals were merely snacks; enough to sustain me. Sleep was fitful. The loneliness and pervading sense of loss weighed heavily on me. A wonderful friend who truly listened to me and was supportive during my darkest days, shared my first breakthrough moment with me. About three months after my husband’s death I told her that a family member reacted angrily to my response that I was just sort of coping.  Raising her voice, she told me to “get over it.”

I told my friend about how that remark made me sad, but mostly angry, then suddenly realized that the spark of anger was something I’d not felt since my husband’s death.  We saw that as a hopeful sign.

While giving all of my attention and energies to the gardens that summer I gradually regained my physical and emotional strengths. I began to eat better meals and sleep through most nights.  Sometimes I sat in the garden and cried then continued the work with my renewed sense of purpose.  While walking through my gardens a friend commented, “I know how difficult this year has been for you. Your garden is your victory.”

From that day I knew that I would be all right, or as all right as possible under the circumstances.  No longer a recluse as I was during those awful months, I became involved in a few community activities again and travelled occasionally to visit family members.  Most importantly, I was taking care of myself.

Now, it’s not all sadness, it’s not all loneliness, it’s not all wonderful or humorous.  It is a combination of all of those…as are most peoples’ lives.

Kathleen’s advice for grieving widows:

  • Tell a family member or close friend what you need, whether it’s a good meal, a good listener or help with daily chores.
  • Try to acknowledge the legitimacy of your feelings; be patient with yourself.
  • While reminiscing with family members or friends, don’t let feelings of guilt intrude if you hear the sound of laughter from them or yourself.

To connect with other women who are facing a new stage of life, read Starting Over in Your 60s – After Your Husband Dies.

Help Grieving the Loss of Your Husband

prayers for grieving widows

In Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love: Daily Meditations to Help You Through the Grieving Process, Raymond R Mitsch and Lynn Brookside share a series of thoughtful daily devotions can help you endure the anguish and uncertainty of facing life as a grieving widow.

Daily mediations are easier to read and digest than a “whole” book on how to survive life as a widow. This book – Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love – will help you understand the cycles of grief, sort through the emotions of anger, guilt, fear, and depression, and face the God who allowed you to lose the one you love.

“If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble.” ~ Moliere.

I hope Kathleen’s advice helps you find your own ways to regain hope, strength and faith despite your grief and loss. May her experience and tips for widows may give you ideas for your own journey. And may you find today’s grief a little lighter and lesser than yesterday’s.

A Prayer for Grieving Widows

Lord, thank you for the time we had with our husbands. We knew love, companionship, intimacy, and pain. We were together long enough to know love, but too short to get enough of being married. Father, You know the pain of loss and grief. You know how devastating it is to lose someone you love. We pray for healing from the pain, for comfort in this loss. We pray for your presence and love to overcome us. We ask for your help and guidance as we deal with the sadness of being alone. We know You love us and care about our lives, and ask that you fill us with Your peace, freedom, and love. Amen.

I invite you to write your story in the comments section below. You might share how you lost your husband, what you’re experiencing, and how it feels to be a “grieving widow.” What helps you get through the day? You may find it healing and helpful to write and express your feelings of loss and grief.

Are you facing an anniversary, birthday or even a holiday? Read 4 Ways to Cope With Valentine’s Day After Your Husband’s Death.

With love and sympathy,



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166 thoughts on “Getting Through the Day When You’re a Grieving Widow”

  1. There IS hope and although it is hard to see now, you can live a productive life that honors the memory of your dear “Romeo” as well as allows you to have some peace and even, after some time, joy. Grief is an enormous, visceral, physical emotion and it can be all-comsuming, especially right after the loss. There are a number of organizations that offer competent, free, grief support.
    I know – I am the Bereavement Coordinator at a hospice and never turn anyone away. Many hospices, funeral homes, and churches have free or minimal cost grief counseling that is non-denominational and flexible in terms of time. You do not need to have been a patient or have used the services of the funeral home or attend the church. Start by calling your local hospice or funeral home. I urge you to do this today.
    The holidays will be a rough spot. You are NOT alone in this, nor are you odd or crazy for feeling what you described. Bless you and I will be thinking of you.
    Ann Lia

    1. Hello Ann Lia.

      Although I am not married I am writing on behalf of my grandmother who just lost her husband my grandfather in May 6th 2020. They were married for 57 years. And they trielet loved each other. I feel for my grandmother and my grandmother and my heart ache now, knowing she will wonder thru the house full of cherished memories. Our family is strong but our live is even stronger. When we lost my grandfather it seemed like the clock had stopped in our house. The water fountain had run dry, grandpas chair had gone cold. And all the memories just rush overs like tsunami of emotions. I fear for my grandmother that she will be so sad that she won’t be able to carry on. I do want to be their for her and he’ll her along the way. Looking back and speaking on their life and love would take to many pages to fill. But I do ask for prayers and thoughts during this very difficult Time for her and the family.

      Thank you

  2. I lost my husband we were married for 35 year we met when I was 17 we had a rocky road but truly were inseparable we taught each other so much we were best friends we enjoyed doing so many things together. It was a true shock he took his life. It will be one year on May 9th . I’m trying too carry on but it’s so hard . I have 4 children whom have distanced there selves and have been a bit mean too me .. We were a close family prior too this . I know there all hurting and so am I .. I’m just hoping to find my new normal. I’m so very lonely my heart hurts so much it’s hard too catch a good breath of fresh air ..I want so bad to take my kids pain away but I can’t .

  3. Not sure i can see through the tears to write this but gonna try. It’s been not quite 5 months since the love of my life was taken by an agressive cancer. We had almost 42 years of marriage together. He was the perfect mate for me. Not a perfect man. But perfect for me. I watched him decline with the aging and type 1 diabetes that he struggled with most of our married life. Being diagnosed 2 years after marrying. He was hard working and kind. Stronge and gentle. Then the diagnoses of stage IV lung cancer. And before the month was out he was gone. I got 2 weeks with him at home with me. Most of that time he was out of it. But I held him and cared for him and was privileged to be at his side when he took his last breath. I cannot discribe the pain i still feel to this day. I want so much to join him. We only have one child. A grown daughter who lives literally on the other side of the world. I have no family left living. His family never accepted me. The only reason I’m still here is due to our wonderful neighbor of 36 years. He’s a confirmed bachelor with a son a little younger than our daughter. He’s not someone I can share my feelings with. But he makes sure I’m not alone. I miss my Love to the point of being physically ill. And there are times i truly feel i could end my life with no regrets. But then God steps in and lifts my burden of grief enough to continue. My tears and deep pain and longing for my husband are ever constant. But there are other elements of a life that sweeps me along somehow and cause another day to pass. I can feel almost normal for a moment and another moment wishing i could just curl up with my grief and disappear. Has it gotten any easier in these near5 months? Only for a moment. But that moment is like oxygen. It keeps me from succumbing to the reality of my love being gone from my life for the rest of my life.

  4. It has been just 3 days since my beloved husband of 52 years died. I sob almost throat hurts, my eyes burn, my heart..I don’t have the words to say how my heart feels. I have much to live for;my 3 children and grandchildren, but I can see how a grieving spouse, parent, or anyone carrying this pain, has trouble going on.

    1. I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are suffering. My husband died Oct 2. My grief is not as acute now as what you are feeling at this time. It hurts.
      I just learned and I am learning that I just have to walk this journey that every human being makes. My prayer, my mantra is: Not my will, Lord, but your will be done. God loves us.

  5. I lost my husband of 67 years on July 23 at 8.15 pm ,as he wanted to have assisted death, and while he had conqured Prostrate Cancer after a year of treatments , he was 87 , and unable to live a normal life due to an Anyerism , Arthritis and more . This was a man who studied Philosophy, hiked mountains , played a Trumpet in dance bands , painted in Oil paints , served 22 years in the RCAF , moved over 40 times ( with me ),loved to garden and was my life , completely, he would call me Gorgeous , or Lumpsey , and when we Rvd for many years , his co-pilot/ navigator
    I can not express how much I miss him , as I try to meld in my two youngest daughters farm home ..My middle daughter and I sat with him for 15 hours as his body shut down slowly , when we saw his last breath rise and fall forever his face was full of peace and grace – his last gift to me , who loved him since the day we met 67 years ago and we were always together so I felt anger that he had gone on without me – but I did try to remember he wanted to be free of all his miseries , and not being able to even garden ..
    I am glad that this page is here to help us when our grief is so un-nerving to those we also love , thankyou . Dorothy M

  6. My husband died in April 2019, after suffering a year with an autoimmune disorder that went undiagnosed until 2 wks before his death. He also had lymphoma. He suffered greatly.
    He was 77; I am 57. I miss him tremendously. We had only known each other 3 years. He was in recovery from alcoholism for 24 years and taught me to quit drinking. I felt that I owed him my life, and I did everything I possibly could for him. No one every loved me like he did.
    My life feels over now. There is no joy. My children are tired of my depression and don’t understand my grief. I want to die every day. I know that it will get better, but it’s a long wait. I wish that I could cry and be relieved of the terrible pain, but it does not often happen. I don’t feel like I can work as I am a nurse and it’s just too hard.
    If anyone can tell me how this may resolve or give me hope, I would love to hear from you.

  7. My husband Vince,and I where married 41 years we had one son, I was divorced, my small son and I became saved in 1978.For the first time,
    We are Christians in Christ, He had 2 heart attacks from diabetise He also was Italian, And he had stage 4 Kidney disease and edema in the heart, the doctor, said he found pus in his bone. And he was to be amputated from the left foot and left leg, and told me the night before he died, that he wasn’t going to have the surgery,and that if go’s before me,He wanted to be cremated and would take the urn with him.
    And our Lord Jesus came for him, the next day. I spoke with him the day he died, he complained he couldn’t breath, so I took the oxygen tube from
    his head to his nose. And he started to have a reaction like a fish blowing out of his mouth in deep puckering lips. I thought, he felt better breathing this way and fell asleep, later I went to check him and check his pulse. he had none, wasn’t breathing, I called the medic’s and police, and a chaplain came with them.
    For me they work a long time for CPR. Then came to me, and said I am sorry for your loss. The police called my son. The police said do you want to speak to your mother and he said yes, and we both cried like little children. on telephone, my son told me I just spoke to Dad yesterday Mom he was all right.
    I said son it happened very quickly, my son said Dad told me he rather die than lose his foot and leg. And our Lord took him the next day.I believe in my heart it will take time to heal my heart, But my husband is always with me! in spirit!!!! In Christ Love,
    Mary from La Pine, Oregon.

  8. My husband, Ralph, is in a wonderful hospice care center. We were married 26 years. I was his second marriage. I am 56 and he is 73. We always knew that he would probably pass first, but I had hoped for many more years. His health was very compromised – COPD, Pulmonary Hypertension, Borderline Diabetes, Renal Failure, and ultimately pneumonia. I spent two days with him in hospice. The first day he was able to mouth “I love you.” The second day he was able to still pucker to kiss my lips. A couple of time he reached his arms up, and when I went to hug him he was able to hug me as tight as he could back. It finally became to painful to watch him take a breath thinking it was his last. I came home (with my sister-in-law by my side). They said he probably would pass yesterday, but I am still waiting for the call. Should I go back? I am so torn. I don’t want to get out of bed, and I feel like an elephant is standing on my heart. That man adored me, and I loved and respected his mind more than anything. How will I go on?

  9. This site has been such a gift to me today. My dearest hubs died of cardiac arrest nearly 4 months ago. We were married 30 years, together as partners for 52. Met in high school. I miss him so much! We would complete each other’s words, and sentences. I sleep on his side of the bed now. What I long for is a phone mentor, another widow, because its so difficult for me to go outside. So since I have our 2 old cell phones, and my new unlimited text/calls phone, I am going to take a chance and just leave my phone number here…feel free to send me a text or call if you wish. 775-223-1218, Pacific Time. I would love to speak with you! I am 71 now. Big hugs to everyone as we slowly walk this very painful journey.

  10. My husband died on 6/26 – it was the last day of school (I’m a teacher) and it was a 1/2 day. He’d been texting me all morning – excited that I was coming home, little silly notes about the summer ahead of us. He had cancer, advanced, but was having some luck with the immunotherapy – but was often in a lot of pain. The oncologist was trying different pain meds and he’d just started an extended release oxy – only his second dose. The PA said it might make him feel a little loopy, so when he said he felt a little dopey, we both agreed that was probably the new med. I got home; he went up for a nap; I went up and hung in the room while he napped; he woke up once, a little disoriented, then dozed off, woke up again and wanted to order Chinese food – sat up on the edge of the bed, said he needed to get his bearings, then fell back and was gone. Cardiac arrest – he had a history of heart problems and the cancer, the pain, and all the meds were just too much. We didn’t get a chance to say goodbye – what we thought would be a mercy about his cancer diagnosis; I struggle still with the permanence of his death; there is nothing to “get through…” This will never end. I feel confused a lot of the time. I’m 52; he was 70. We’ve been together since I was 26. Literally half of my life. I don’t know who I am without him or even where to look to find out – not that I defined myself as “his wife.” Not at all – but half of who I am disappeared suddenly. Right now I’m coping by shopping – just buying things – like I think eventually I’ll buy “the thing” that will make me less sad. I hardly sleep or eat. I just started seeing a grief counselor who assures me I’ll feel better – but I think that will come with letting him go, and I don’t want to do that. The counselor has helped, though, because I really wanted to tell the story of his passing – of the EMTs and the hospital, and being in the little room waiting and being taken to him…and no one wanted to hear it – family and friends all interrupt me and tell me not to think about it – I ended up telling the story to myself, driving in my car – I needed to say it all out loud to make it concrete – so having the counselor has been good – she responds and I’ve been able to talk through the experience.

  11. It has only been 8 days that I lost my husband and the grief is unbearable. Trying to find comfort in reading messages, but cannot write at the moment, as I am still trying to come to grips with not having my husband with me.

  12. When You Lose Part Of Yourself It Isn’t Easy….Everyday Something Reminds You That Other Part Isn’t Coming Back….Our Youngest Granddaughter Has Graduated High School And He Isn’t Here But We Know He Is Watching Over Us…We Have Great News Our First Great Granddaughter Will Be Born In August….Christmas Is Really Hard He Was Buried On Christmas Eve…..I Can’t Say It Gets Easier…It Hasn’t For Me….Maybe I Am Wrong…. But It Still Seems Like Yesterday And It Has Been Almost Three Years…I Hope And Pray One Day Things Get Better For All Who Has Lost A Loved One…Good Days And Bad…People Say Get Over It…HOW? I Have Always Tried Before To Give Positive Feedback… Maybe For Some It Gets Better But One Day I Hope I Can Get To That Point And I Haven’t Yet…..It Takes Time I Guess….I’m Sorry Today Is One Of Those Bad Days…I Try By Doing Things With My Sisters But I Come Home Walk Through The Door It Starts Over….I Found Him In Bed….I Am So Sorry I Wish I Would Have Not Opened This Email Today I Wanted To Be Positive To Help Someone Else…I Am Sorry!!!!!

  13. My dear husband died a year ago on my birthday. He had severe periphery artery disease that just kept getting worse and worse requiring several amputations. He was determined to dance at my nephews wedding but it was not to be. In and out of hospitals for 7 months with 16 times in the operating room. It was a total nightmare but he never complained to me. He was always worried about me.

    How we went from playing along with wheel of fortune to emergency surgery the next afternoon is still beyond me. They didn’t expect him to make it through the night but my dearest did. When the sun came up I felt like maybe they were wrong ….but they weren’t. I held my beloved’s hand for 3 days and had the honor of being the one to wipe his tears
    Now a year later I miss him so much. I’m not the same woman I was before. I’ve grown up a lot this year.
    How do I create a life for myself? Who do I want to be? A huge hole is in my heart and life seems colorless. He loved me all the days of his life.

  14. I lost my husband of 30 years to prostate cancer on 5/19. He fought hard for 4 years. He went into hospice care in January and even though the dr said he would probably only last a month he held on for 4 months. He was at home while in hospice. He did well up to the last 2 days so I am thankful that he didn’t suffer/linger for an extended time. We had the memorial today and it was so hard to see the pictures of our 38 years together and how healthy he looked. I have such a hole in my heart. I have friends and family to help but it is so hard. I didn’t expect to be a widow at 63 years old.

  15. Thank you for being here – every comment is so precious because it shows other widowed readers that they’re not alone. I can’t imagine the grief you feel, or how hard it is to move forward in life after losing your husband.

    My week has been shadowed by loss and death. We unexpectedly lost a member of our church, and it hasn’t been easy. My husband’s family is grieving the death of a sister; the memorial service was yesterday. One of my fellow Christian authors — 37 year old Rachel Held Evans, author of Inspired: Slaying Giants, Walking on Water, and Loving the Bible Again — died on Saturday of complications due to antibiotics. She leaves behind a husband and two little boys.

    Lots of loss…and yet so much life! Surprises, parties, invitations to summer barbecues, 80th birthday celebrations, pregnant women due any day, plans for summer travel and adventures, fresh new plants and flowers and blossoms in my home, yard and forest.

    A She Blossoms reader recently shared an excellent TED talk on how to move forward after losing someone you love. It’s called The messy, complicated truth about grief; it’s only four minutes long and worth every second! The speaker — Nora McInerny — is the author of No Happy Endings: A Memoir.

    Take good care of yourselves, for you are worth taking good care of. Especially when you’re grieving.

    With love,

  16. My husband died on Jan 24, 2019 after gradually deteriorating for at least two years. It was painful to watch him go thru emergency room visits, hospital stays, and finally going into a nursing home. We (he and I) had planned that he would come home to die in hospice care when he suddenly said he didn’t want to come home. And, a few days later he died in the nursing home. We were married 62 years and when he died we had known each other 63 years on Jan 22. I am alone since our children live some distance away and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. My dog is my solace, but I am not sure how to keep going on some days. I know it hasn’t been that long but I do know that I will miss him until the day I die. New memories pop up when something happens to trigger them and even the good ones hurt. I’m not comfortable with the idea of support groups and I do have another widow that I can talk to when I need to talk to someone. Also have joined a group on Facebook that has some comforting things to say. Right now I just keep hanging on.

  17. I lost my husband to cancer on the 20th of March 2019, we were married for 24 years. He was only 55 and broke my heart to see what he went through with his op and treatment only for it to end in death. He loved the outdoors and did so much together, man is it so hard and feel so empty I just can’t explain it. People say at least you have your two daughters but they are feeling it to. Natasha is 23 and Nicole is 12

  18. I lost my husband of 45 years on February 2, 2019. He went in the hospital for a heart cath and never came home. I never understood the grief a widow goes through until I became one. I’ve lost both parents, a beloved grandmother, and a grandchild. Grief was present, but it was a ‘different’ grief than I now find myself living with every moment of every day. Evening times are the hardest. Throughout the day, I can find ample activities to keep me busy. But, it’s when the darkness comes, and the house is quiet, that the crushing weight of pain and loss become almost unbearable. I recently awoke from a sleep in which I dreamed his death had only been a nightmare and he was lying beside me. For a few brief, glorious moments, he was still with me. But, then truth invaded my thoughts and joy became heartbreak all over again. As a Christian I know that these days will one day be replaced with everlasting joy and there will be no more tears. But, for the present, the tears come – sometimes in torrents, mostly in private, or sometimes as a single moist memory rolling down my cheek.

  19. I lost my husband to Parkinson’s and contributing prostate cancer on March 1, 2019. He was 84 years old. We were married 61 years and 10 months. I’ve known him for 66 years. I met him when I was 14 years old. He was my life.
    He is my soul mate. We did everything together. The longer we were married the more in love we became. He was a beautiful sweet soft-spoken man. Now…I don’t know how to live without him. I have never lived alone but my son and his wife live next door to me and that has helped me greatly. Right now, I just want to lie down and die so I can be with him in heaven. The funeral was difficult to get through. We produced two long-play albums and had one converted to a CD for the funeral. It’s a gospel CD. It was more difficult than I thought it would be and when I heard his voice singing it broke me. I have lost my purpose in living. I will be 80 years old in May. What is left for me now? My family are all busy with their lives and they do love me very much but I can’t expect them to be around that much for me. So why live? I’m old now, have done many wonderful things in life with my soul mate so now the journey is over for him and I feel for me too. I am so lost. Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings.

  20. Thank you for being here, and for talking about how it feels to lose your husband. Your loss is deep and wide, and there is no “moving past it.” I’m sorry. It must be so hard to start over, to be have to move into a new season of life.

    Death is surreal, isn’t it? Your whole life has changed, yet everything is the same. The world just keeps marching on as usual…and your heart feels shattered, sick, empty.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. May you find meaning and healing even as you grieve the loss of your husband. I pray for a sense of peace and love to envelop you – like you’re in the arms of Jesus. I pray for a new identity to come over you, no matter how old you are or how long ago you lost your husband.

    And I pray that you find people to talk to, friends and kindred spirits to share your thoughts and feelings with. May you be openminded and openhearted as you move forward into this new season of life. May you find ways to look up with expectation, around with pleasure, and inward with joy.

    You may find my weekly Blossom Tips encouraging and comforting. I send an email every week, mostly focused on growing forward when you can’t go back. Here’s the link:

    Stay in touch!

    With His love,

  21. It’s been just over 6 mos. (7/13/18) since I was awakened at 4 AM by a noise I had never heard before, the “death rattle”. Before I could get around our bed to talk to my husband, the noise stopped. It was not til the afternoon when our Dr. called me to explain what had happened. Cardiac Arrest takes moments for the heart to stop. By time medics got to him, they were unable to restart his heart. The shock is tremendous to bear. My children think I am amazing & strong! I do not want to share with them the tears I cry, alone, day & night. Not sure how to react if I should find a bereavement program. Just sharing my thoughts. I am 75, married 52 years when I lost him so suddenly.

  22. My husband of 42 years died from sepsis in July, we were told he would be in hospital for one week but we were phoned to say he was in cardiac arrest and come back to the hospital, I never saw him alive again, thank god we had been in an hour earlier and got to speak to him, I have been coping I thought but the past two days I have went in to meltdown crying nonstop, I saw him in the hospital after death and he looked like he was sleeping, I now feel guilty for not going to see him in the funeral parlour, I have a lot of letters that we wrote to each other as he was Scottish and lived in Scotland and I lived in England ,he moved here in 1975 and we married in 1976, I have been reading the letters and they make me cry, I am wondering if I should stop for a while, he was 63 when he died.

  23. I lost my husband,friend,lover and the father of my sons after 30 years of marriage. So very heartbroken. Trying to cope. Today marks 3months??? Suddenly he wasn’t strong vibrant healthy (heart failure) He never came home from the hospital.

  24. I am so very sorry for your loss, I can fully relate to your story. It is very fresh for you, the feeling you described of having half your soul ripped out, all that have had the blessing of finding such a love after previous disasters have felt it.
    I would love to say hang in there it will get better and I have to say it will but right now those words just make me angry at loosing my husband and I can imagine you feel very similar.
    Remember the good times, it may remind you of what you are now missing in your life, what you have lost but it will also give you just a little peace as well. When I have the, what I call, tsunami effect (and it hits whenever it wants) and after it passes, I try to remind myself of the fact that we had 11 beautiful years together and take comfort that my life is so very different because of it and I try to make him proud.

  25. I lost my husband Craig (age 47) to stage 4 colon cancer on June 30, 2018. My Marine gave the fight of his life over the past 12 months. There were times we thought we had a handle on this enough to give him a few years. However the cancer proved to be to advanced for us. Craig and I met 6 1/2 years ago. We had both been through horrible divorces and thought we would never find love again. Yet God had other plans for us. We became close friends who soon became inseparable. We packed more love, laughter, joy, sorrow and just plain life in our 6 years together than either had in our prior lives. People said we each radiated when the other entered the room. We completed each other. The diagnosis was devastating but we faced it full of hope. However, the blockage was so substantial by the time it was found Craig was on the verve of kidney renal failure…. he face 4 surgeries in less than 10 days, He had stint placed, then a nephrostomy bag placed … port placed and an ileostomy bag placed. Somehow he smiled and joked through it all FOR US! We had first round of chemo and then as we were gearing up for second chemo he spiked a fever of 104!!! He had a staph infection… hospital stay followed by second chemo and then return of staph infection! It was hard watching him try to fight on with hope with so many set backs!! Once past these obstacles we had 6 months of chemo and things seemed to be on the right track!! He was excepted to an experimental procedure called HIPEC! We were very hopeful. They only except people who have high chance of success! Craig was healthy except for the cancer. Scans showed shrinkage from chemo and no spread! We went to Atlanta for the surgery. They closed him 1 1/2 hours in!!!! The cancer (because it was in his Peritoneum had “shadowed or hidden” all of the disease behind it! Cancer was in liver, pancreas, hip bone and every two to three centimeters throughout small intestines!!!! That was the first of June. Surgeon placed a g-tube because she said the blockage was almost total obstruction…. slowly he became unable to eat or drink Anything!! We were going to hospital once a week for IV fluid. Late July he began throwing up bile. We admitted him to hospital on July 25 to get fluids in him and control the pain…, it spiraled quickly from there! By Sunday July 29th w were just keeping him comfortable. And Monday July 30th my world stopped turning! I have never felt such anguish in my life! It is as if half of my very soul has been ripped out of me! We bought 18 acres of land 2 1/2 years ago and actually moved into our 5th wheel camper while building the house! We have lived (basically on top of each other) for two years! He liked to joke that if you truly want to know if you loved someone live in a camper together!!!! The house is 3/4 done….. this camper feels empty!! I am lost! I have taken the week off from work. I have cried.. and have prayed… I have begged for mercy over the pain…. I have driven his truck down to the creek and just screamed till I couldn’t scream!!! I don’t know what to do!!! First time in my life I see no hope. I can’t see my future!!! Please pray for me as I try to find a way out of this dark place!!!!! I miss you Craig! The world lost a great light when you left !!!

    1. Rhonda this is melinda . First i want to say .I wish their was some way to help you with this pain. I miss my guy so bad . Talk about wanting to scream. I totally understand. My world is so empty with out Bill. We to went throw bad marriages.Weekends are very hard .Everyone tells me to keep trying. But really where are they .We did everything together.And i miss him.I miss his calls getting me my favorite coffee.I miss watching tv with him. Everyone is doing their thing. He was my buddy and my very best friend. Im always here if you need me. melinda

    2. Hi rhonda this is melinda .Just letting you know im thinking off you. I to am sad about the future. Had so many plans. And now those plans are gone. Please remember you are not alone. I know what i went throw and still do. The pain in my heart is so broken. Everyone goes throw this a different way.But i am thank full that i found this site.I dont feel so alone. Cant bring my bill back.But it helps to know im not walking alone in this. My heart goes out to everyone here. The changes that are now in our lifes. The heartache we all feel.I keep wakeing up at night thinking this is a bad dream.Just want everyone to know i care

      1. Hello to everyone on this site with broken hearts…
        I am fright like all of you are to find our way again. The painful loss of my husband and trying to make good financial decisions and having to move out of my home is overwhelming.
        My love to all,
        Kathy Marie

  26. my husband died june 11 2018 off a massive heart attack. We did everything together.It would off been 25 years for us in dec. Its been very hard.But what is really hard.Is how people go on with their life.Like nothing happen. I am very much alone. But will keep trying. I miss my best friend

  27. You are in my thoughts and prayers today. It must be so hard to adjust to living alone after living and loving a man, sharing your life with him, and being with him all the time. The worst part about a good marriage is losing the one you love :-(

    May you find hope and healing, comfort and support. I pray that every day gets a little lighter and easier, and that you’re able to start feeling a wee bit better as every night passes. May you walk into this new season of your life with courage and hope. May you find new roots, and a new sense of yourself. Hold on to the wisps of the love you had in the past, and carry them with you into a new future.

    Sign up for my email, for weekly encouragement and blessings. I send Blossom Tips every Wednesday, to comfort and cheer women who are walking through loss. Here’s the link:

    With love and warmth,

  28. My name is Missy and I am a 48 year old widow. I lost my husband of 32 years 126 days ago following a tragic accident. He was taken from me in an instant and I had to find his body. I live with that image in my head daily. No matter how I try I can’t block it. We met when we were just 14 and 15 and had four sons by the young age of 21. We were high school sweethearts, we were soul mates, we were best friends. My entire world has been turned upside down, my entire world has changed for the worst and I don’t know how I am making it with each passing hour. I am a jail nurse and it takes everything in me to go to work in the mornings. I lie in bed at night waiting for him and crying myself to sleep. We have 10 amazing grandsons and that is the only thing that keeps me from joining my husband. Obviously from this comment my mind has a hard time staying on track. I just don’t know how I am supposed to be ME when I only know WE/US.

    1. Aside from having lost your husband and dealing with that feeling, you also have to learn to be one person again and I so truly relate to that feeling. Take comfort where you can, try to see the nice things throughout your day it will take time, lots of time, allow yourself that little piece of joy when you find it, it’s OK.

  29. Deloris Stalnaker

    I just found this site tonight. Thanks for the article ” Hope for a New Beginning When You Don’t Want To Be Alone”. My beloved husband of 57 years just passed on to his heavenly home March 6, 2018. He was 86. He had a stroke 2 weeks before that left him unable to move his right arm and right leg. He was not in any condition for rehab, so with the help from Hospice we brought him back home. I had been his caregiver mostly 24/7 for past year. Prior to the stroke he had been legally blind for 3 years, walking a little bit on a walker, and early in 2017 was diagnosed with Alzheimers.
    Our 2 children and one of their fiancee stayed with us at night and kept switching shifts, in order to give me some relief and help. His health started going down hill very fast, after coming home. God was already preparing him, as well as his family to see him pass on. When my husband was in the ER at hospital after the stroke and a nurse came in and asked him if he knew where he was. His reply was” I am at the edge of time and getting ready to go.” I was shocked and the the nurse was speechless and walked out of the room. Those words were not anything he would
    normally have said, so I knew it was God’s words preparing all of us. His dementia
    came and went, but he had no dementia that day. He passed 2 weeks later in his hospital bed in our living room, with me by his side, our daughter, and a Hospice nurse present. It was a comfort to me that I was able to sing to him, talk to him about heaven, and promised him I would see him soon in heaven. I do miss him so much and love him dearly. We moved to this area about 5 years ago to be near our children. However , we never got established into a new church or senior center.Therefore we never made any new friends. I love the area I live in and want to stay a year if I can. This time is lonelier than any time in my life. I feel so lost, no plans for future . Currently I am trying to get my health in better condition by going to physical therapy. My heart and prayers go out to all of you ladies. I cry for you as I read the posts. Wishing you much peace and love!

  30. I would like to TELL you MY STORY, I LOST MY BELOVED HUSBAND IAN 18/12/2017 a WEEK before Xmas, we were unimaginably HAPPY for 52years we so ADORED each other, we Enjoyed keeping FIT went to the GYM three times a week, Loved DANCING at our CLUB of 23yrs HE Cycled most DAYS , He started feeling very tired and after a FEW CHECK’S we discovered he had , HEART Failure we were very SHOCKED, he had one TRIAL GOLD STENT on15/12/2016 , however instead of improving he was getting WORSE, energy wise it had vanished , we asked for another BLOOD TEST , and sadly discovered A.M.L. He went on to a SPECIAL TRIAL , for his LEUKEMIA called TALACATUZAMAB we were so OPTOMISTIC and FULL of HOPE , we TRAVELLED every Monday & Thursday for his TRETMENT of BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS and PLATELETS , he was so WONDERFUL during ALL the TREATMENT , I always felt so very PROUD of HIM he was SUCH a Lovely MAN , SADLY they withdrew his TRIAL and although he had been doing QUITE WELL on his DRUG , the minute they withdrew TALACATUZAMAB I just felt something in him was NEVER the SAME , he was so SURE that was to be his CURE, and of course I encouraged him , he was NEVER SICK and also he had a RAVENOUS appetite to the END also KEPT his HAIR Bless him , he asked me one day why I thought he didn’t have any side effects of his illness, and I so remember telling him , that he was such a GOOD MAN , that was GOD’S GRACE he really loved me saying that I so sure it was TRUE . THEY CANCELLED his DRUG on 21st July he carried on with his CHEMO , but by SEPTEMBER his readings were slowly but surely going DOWN HILL, however we kept our SPIRITS UP as much as we could , and kept our Normality I our DAILY lives as Much as Possible , enjoying our FAMILY Two CILDREN and TWO Grandchildren ,HE was so FAMILY , this continued until the 13th Nov 2017 when up we went as usual for his TOP ups of BLOOD and PLATELETS , sadly he got KEPT in that day due to his TEMP SPIKING, this continued as his IMMUNE SYSTEM was DIMINISHING , which meant he had nothing left to FIGHT his DISEASE with my poor DARLING BOY had nothing LEFT , the FAMILY were told he basically was DYING , we visited him constantly , I myself stayed with him for 6hours daily I also asked when it was obvious the HOSPITAL was so busy and MANIC at TIMES I asked if it could be possible to take him to PENARTH HOSPICE where we had 6days together in PERFECT PEACE and QUIET Together before he PASSED away in my ARMS very peacefully , I’ll always be eternally grateful that he had a very PRIVELAGED DEATH that’s how I feel about it and it really does give me COMFORT, I miss HIM in a WAY I’ll NEVER be able to DESCRIBE , but I KNOW that will never END I just have to FIND my way now how to LIVE without HIM, what is lovely I very OFTEN feel his SPIRIT is very much AROUND ME , because he was always asking me to take him HOME , I brought his CASKET HOME from the FRIDAY until the Monday , before his Funeral he was CREMATED which was his wish , and his ASHES lie above his Bed where he SLEPT beside me that’s what he wanted , when I DIE mine will be PUT in an URN with HIS together in DEATH AS in LIFE which is what we Both wanted , we were ALWAY’S TOGETHER so yes it is very DIFFICULT without HIM , some days I’m not too bad , other days I can’t stop CRYING but I do eventually I can always hear him talking to me in my MIND telling me to please STOP,!i hope this might help someone out there it helped me just being able to WRITE it DOWN THANK YOU !❤️❤️

  31. Thank You! I lost my childhood sweetheart from the 6th grade, lived on the same street, as he’s Hynotizte to me at my 16th birthday. I always loved him. He did everything in months. We were married 341 fabulous, living ,,adventuresome months. Adored one another, God answered our prayers. We enjoyed doing for others. That torch will continue. Things that have helped me. Seeing a,specialists, we established a foundation in his name to help others, planted a tree in memory of him, donate gifts to his family reunion, parking signs for the church in memory of him. I love my husband more, he loved and s bffvared his love to me like crazy. On our monthly anniversary we exchanged cards, I am enjoying reading them over and over. U have pics, Dad’s of our adventures and music he wooed me with. Most importantly God is my comforter and He gives me daily peace. Everytime i think of my husband I have a gigantic smile on my face.

  32. I write all the way from Harare, Zimbabwe, I lost my husband in January 2016 after a 3-year battle with a brain tumour (Glioblastoma), he was 49. The ebbs and flows of the grieving process have left me utterly exhausted and feeling like such a failure. I get the impression, though no-one has actually voiced this, that I should be “better/stronger/more together/more organised?” The sense of loss is so profound, the desolation is so deep. Like you say, people tell us to take one day a time – and I’ve used that cliche several times myself . . . but I get stuck at ‘a day at a time to what, where am I going?’ I met my husband at university and we were together for 30 years. For that whole time he was a feature of every dream I ever dreamed; every goal and plan for my life; every new hobby/interest – even before we got married, it was US. After marriage we were going to bring up our boys to love and serve Christ; we were going to make a huge contribution to our families, church and nation. He’s been gone 2 years I still haven’t figured out how to do ME without him (we were the same age and boy did we have plans!) And this is what I think people fail to understand. I am starting to write about my journey of recovery as well discovery of this ME. I see now that the two are not mutually exclusive. I was created with a purpose external to my husband, right? It must still be out there!

    Thank you for your work that I discovered today. So much of what you say resonates with me and I will be following you as I embark on this journey. And being believer I know that your insight will what I need to build my faith. God bless you.

  33. I know what you mean by needing to talk it out, I also miss my husband very much and one of the many reasons is that same one. I talk to him all the time, the dogs just look at me funny like thinking I have gone mad but it is keeping from going mad the fact that I am. I try like you to just move on step by step until I can be with him again, I know that he will be waiting for me with his arms open, saying hi Babe I missed you!

  34. My Husband Bill passed away suddenly, we were happily married for 33 years. I was raised in an home where my parents fought and my dad was a alcoholic. Bill thought me how to love, and be comfortable in married life. He showed me what a healthy relationship is. He was a wonderful husband, friend, father, lover and exceptional man. He left me with so many tools that I can use now without him. I worked through our entire marriage and went back to work three days after he died. I was happy to go back, the time passed so slowly after he died, work gave me a purpose. I have a friend at work who I probably drive nuts, because I talk so much, I miss sharing my day with Bill and Helga now gets all that sharing. I keep myself busy and am looking forward to teaching Yoga at night after work. My Daughter and Son are here for me if I need them, but I try not to. I find peace in my day by thinking that Bill is waiting to help me over to the other side when I die, my big strong facilitator had to die to check it out, before I could come. Sometimes I’ll look over at his picture on the side of my computer and I am annoyed at him. He doesn’t have to stress anymore, he doesn’t have to live this life without me, but, I have to live it without him. Love and loss pushes me to move on. You pickup your pieces and you get on with it, because you don’t have a choice. And that part of your life is over, you have to do this to thrive and live.

  35. Now that the leaves have fallen from the trees and the cold of winter is setting in, the emptiness in my heart is overwhelming again. My mind recalls this time of year in 2015, when my husband’s prostate/bone cancer took over his whole body and he came down with pneumonia. He was diagnosed with cancer in 2011. He was in the hospital on and off after his last chemo and blood transfusion the end of that September. At Thanksgiving, he was admitted to the palliative care unit and then to hospice never to come home again. He passed away in Feb 2016. He was the love of my life and my confidence for 52 years, sweethearts since I was 14 and he was 15 years old, married for 45 wonderful years. During the Spring and Summer months, although I struggled with grief, I was able to stay busy and have the warmth of the sun around me like his loving arms. I am trying to keep my calendar full of activities connecting with friends and family to stay ahead of the tears. At times, I find it is hard to reach out to people because I don’t want to bring them down. I’m so thankful “She Blossoms” and a place to share with other women who are going through such a painful grieving process too…. we are blessed to have one another!

  36. Dear Jean,

    I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what to say, I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you. Painful, shocking, and devastating. You and your husband were together for so long, and to lose him so suddenly and without any warning….you must feel just shattered.

    Do you have friends or family that are supportive and understanding? Are you part of a community or church? Sometimes it helps to reach out to others, to find comfort and help in loved ones who knew your husband. It might be especially helpful to talk to women who know what it’s like to be a grieving widow, who have gone through the pain and shock.

    How are you today?

    In sympathy,

  37. SHATTERED! I lost my husband after nearly 50 years of marriage and add the years we have been together is more like 52. We got passports recently as we planned on going to Israel on 50th. My husband was never sick, never been in a hospital for anything. He was a full time professor and the best thing that ever happened to me. He was healthy, happy and we were madly in love. On the week of his passing, we were mostly cleaning up from a hurricane Irma. He was posting final grades and we were engaged in day to day activities. On the actual day of his passing, we took a ride out to look at some property and upon returning went to our favorite super market. There seemed to be nothing wrong. We returned home around 5ish. He said to me that he felt like he was catching a cold. He took as aspirin and vitamin C. He said he was feeling a bit better. The plan was to call Dr in morning. We played word games till 11:00pm, when he decided to turn over to sleep. We said goodnight, he turned over and I remained awake watching news in TV with sound low. After about 15 minutes he turned over on his back with a common snore . I spoke to him but he did not answer. I spoke again. I turned on the lights and my husband was unresponsive . I called 911 but they could not revive him. So how do you go 52 years and lose the only man in my life in the blink of an eye. Horror and intense grief. I have actually thought I could stop this pain by stopping myself. When he stopped breathing, I stopped breathing. My life ended in an inexplicable instant!!!!God Help Me!!!!

  38. I lost my husband on March 2, 2017 to cancer. We had been together for six years, married for eight months when he passed. He was diagnosed in April of 2016 and ten and a half months later, he was gone. My heart aches every day. I miss him so much, it was second marriages for both of us, we had both found our soul mates and were planning a wonderful future together. He was only 55. Too young to be gone. I have been going for grief counselling and it does help some. I am coping, I’m back at work and trying to succeed at handling this new life that I did not want. I feel disconnected from most people and life feels strange to me now. Food doesn’t taste good but I eat because I have to. I try to concentrate on one day at a time, to do the things I need to do. “They” tell me it gets easier, I hope so, but I can’t see how it can get easier as every morning when I wake up, he still won’t be here.

    1. My beautiful, very handsome and active husband was diagnosed with Ewin Sarcoma on July 26, he died on December 15, at 5:05 a.m. in my arms as he had voiced wanting at the age of 56 y 1 day. We were together for 11 years, married for 5, December 12th was our 5th wedding anniversary. It came out of nowhere, no warning, he was the epiphany of health, dieted and exercised for months to get in shape after years of office work that showed on his body, a simple little pain in the sternum, a feeling of numbness brought him to ER where he was diagnosed just days later.

      As the weeks past he started to change, as the weeks passed the changes were faster and faster, we would sit together and just tell each other how it was way too soon, we should have had at least 20 or 30 years still yet we were looking at weeks. I was (and still am) devastated, I stopped working so I could be with him most of the 24 hours in the day, he wanted me to keep going to work to keep a sense or normality and I told him that it was my decision and that I choose him, that I would have plenty of time after he was gone to go to work, I never regretted that decision.

      On his birthday the day before he passed I had made arrangements for his son to come see him (they hadn’t really spoken in years), although he hadn’t said a word in the last 2-3 days, he was able to greet his son by name and say goodbye as he left, I knew in my heart that he was waiting to see him and I gave up his last words to his son because I knew how important it was for him to see him one more time, you see I work in palliative care, I work in a hospice where I help people watch their loved one slip away while they try to make sense of it all.

      As I held his hand in the last hours, I kept telling him how much I loved, would miss him, I was his angel now he is mine. I relive every day that final moment, his last breaths as his body shut down.

      I find that lighting a candle at supper time helps me through that particularly hard time of the day, we would sit at the island and talk about everything under the sky, what we would eat tomorrow, what we would plant in the Spring, where we wanted to go on vacation, everything really, we were each other yin to our yang.

      I can’t get myself to dispose of his clothes and that’s OK, some I will keep as comfort like his favorite robe and if I put it on for a brief moment I can feel his arms around me, I know it’s not real but it helps be go on.

      I talk to him throughout the day the same as I would have if he was still here, only difference is …. In 2 days I will return to work it may be too soon and if it is I will step back for a while longer, maybe helping others will help me through these very painful times.

      Don’t know if anyone will be reading this as I don’t even know when it was posted in the first place.

      1. My broken hearted friend, alas there is nothing to say for this kind of sorrow. Nothing that can touch the secret intimacy of love and passion between 2 people.It is so uniquely our own and yet I believe that all couples who share deeply and over a long time,have the ability to understand the great tsunami of pain and grief that descend into someone’s life when death arrives.
        I too lost my soulmate of 24 years, 2 years ago. He also died in my arms, alone, in our home. A last breath is nothing you will EVER forget. No pain that I have ever known can match that of his death.
        But I am slowly making a life for myself. Finding joy in the gift of life, even without him. Time has given me a chance to harbor this deep seated gratitude for the miracle of our life together.
        I am an RN, now retired. It did help me to go back to work, but it was VERY difficult. I had no choice. Perhaps it will help you. But go slowly, be very kind to yourself. Your heart is demolished and needs a long time to find its way home again.
        There are 2 very beautiful films I think might have meaning for you. “Truly, Madly, Deeply” and “A Fish Story”. I love them both. A tender lens on death and grief.
        Sending prayers to your heart. You are not alone. There IS hope for transformation through this stunningly painful experience.
        Warmest regards Erica

        1. thank you for your kind words, I am only seeing your message today, so apologies for having ignored you. I have retired from care, only remaining oncall for occasional replacements, I cannot care for others at the moment as my mind is not yet all mine again, I forget stuff, forget what I was doing and that would endanger my patients so for the moment it is what it is, I don’t think I would be ok if I had to feel that last breath again be it from a patient, still too fresh and I know that the feeling will never go away, in palliative we say that it is a great honor and priviledge to be gifted the last breath of a person.

          You are so right when you say “no pain I have ever known can match that of his death”, I have lost many people in my life, both set of parents (long story), my little brother who was 13 when he died in a horrible accident, grand-parents, aunts and uncles, some very close and dear to me but the loss of my husband….

          I will most certainly watch the two movies you mentionned, thank you for taking time to write to me.

  39. Audrey Ramsden-Green

    Hello, I am already a member of this group and have received comfort from it.
    I lost my husband of 10 years suddenly at the end of April 2017. This was the second husband I have lost.
    I have joined a bereavement group. There are only a few members. On my first visit I said how the weekends were the hardest especially sundays. A gentleman who lost his wife in January gave me his phone number and said I could phone him.
    It has progressed to going for coffee, a few meals and a couple of visits to his home. My problem is I feel very disloyal to my husband just for being in this mans company. I think it is far too soon but another part of me thinks I am being unkind not to befriend this man.
    I would not ask him to my home as I regard this as my husbands home. (he obviously doesn’t think the same about his home and his wife)He is asking me to spend more time with him which I am reluctant to do but not quite sure how to proceed. I am also afraid of anyone who knows me seeing us together and coming to the wrong conclusions. I would appreciate some advice please.

    1. Hello Audrey,

      Thank you for sharing; I’m glad you’re here! And I’m sorry for your loss. It hasn’t been very long, and your grief is still fresh. Adjusting to life without your husband is a long process, and you need to give yourself time to heal.

      I encourage you to listen to your heart, and trust your instincts. When you think about being in this man’s company, do you feel a “green light or yes” feeling, or a “red light or no” feeling? Honour your feelings. If you’re not feeling ready, then you need to be true to yourself.

      You can’t be a good friend to this gentleman if you’re struggling with your own grief and pain. What do you think about being honest with him? Maybe the conversation could happen after or before the group meets – not in his home or when you’re out for coffee.

      This gentleman is lonely, and he likes your company. That’s awesome :-) but it doesn’t mean you’re obligated to spend time with him. Everyone is on a journey towards healing after loss….and you can’t be responsible for anyone’s grief but your own. It may feel unkind, but it really is worse to build a friendship with someone when you don’t feel good about it.

      What do you think?

      With love,

  40. Hello

    My husband died on December 23rd 2016. I found him laying on the floor by the back door. I called an ambulance and they carried out an MRI scan at the hospital. The doctor told me it was an intracranial bleed and was terminal. He also said that he could die in hours or days. He died 4 hours later with all the family with him.

    Since that day the family have been wonderful. They have got me a rescue dog and she keeps me company.

    I am not lonely but I am alone. I still cry every day but try to get out in the garden and go for walks. The problem is that at 72 I know that I will be alone for ever and while I do not want to live with anyone I miss my husband’s presence so much. He was my best friend as well as my husband and I do not want to be here without him.

    1. Hi Rita, I understand how you feel…my husband passed away 12/21/2016 and I found him in the morning after working night shift….I never understood what a person really went through after a loved ones death….I know now how hard it really is now…..everyday is a struggle but I pray it gets better….We will all think of the great memories and make the best of the life we have left and make new memories with family and friends….God Bless To All The People Out There Who Have Lost A Piece Of Your Heart…Some days I feel the same Rita where I don’t want to be here without my “Mose” but I know I have people who care about me……Rita I want you to know I Care About You and Hope the Best For You!! Have A Great Day!!

  41. I’m reading a book by Betty Jane Wylie, which she wrote in 1977! It’s called Beginnings; she wrote it after her husband died suddenly at age 43. It’s a great book and offers a lot of support for grieving widows. I also love that it was written 40 years ago :-)

    I included a few tips from Betty’s book in this blog post:

    Hope for a New Beginning When You Don’t Want to Be Alone

    How are you doing today?


  42. This was so helpful. I am 70 and my husband passed 1 year ago. I appreciate this info because I wondered what other widows are experiencing. We were married for 51 years. I miss him so much. Thank you for sharing.

  43. A widow too with children. My husband infected me with Aids. Am on medical.
    Please can you help me look for support for my children and I . Thank because am not working. I have been struggling with the disease and sometimes no food to eat. Kids have to go to school no body to support

  44. Nonjabulo
    Dear Kathleen
    For the first time in 9 I’m sharing how i feel inside. As I’m sharing here tears are flowing down over my pillow. I thank the God almighty for finding this platform and write or share to people who truly understand how I feel right now. My husband of 10 years left me in 2009 but it still feels like yesterday. He had lung cancer. When he was first diagnosed with cancer I was 9 months pregnant with my fourth child. I didn’t understand how serious it was until he started chemotherapy. The twelve months of chemotherapy were so difficult to us and the children he was very sick very weak.His family didn’t understand cancer infact it was their first time to hear about this desease so you can imagine. The first thing they thought of was that he was bewitched and the closest person to do that was no one else apart from me! But I thank God because I have forgiven them. In fact I chose not to focus on their accusations but to what we shared together. He died in SouthAfrica hospital . It took me 4 years to visit that country again it felt like it has robed me my happiness.
    I’m raising the kids all by myself the more they grow it’s the more I realise that it is tough the bills are too much for me alone. I always cry when im failing to pay school fees buy them clothes. I dont know how the kids feel.their father was a provider .it sometimes rips me apart when i overhear them talking about how they used to enjoy certain things while their dad was alive.and the last borne child doesnt know him.For a longtime it felt like a punishment it felt like God hated me so much that He took him away so that i struggle with the children.Last year I committed mylife to Jesus Christ out of desperation.I needed a superior being in my spirit. I’m glad that it worked for me now that the anger towards God has gone down .Now I understand that God trusted me with kids .I miss my husband very much but I have hope that one day they will all finish school and my struggling will be better.As I’m sharing I feel lightness in my shoulder. Thank you again for this platform. All the posts I’m reading tells me that im not alone. I’m rising up and moving forward slowly but surely.

  45. We were married for almost 64 years, and we each loved the other more than our own lives. My husband had COPD and Heart Failure, but he could still live relatively well and happy. His lungs filled with fluid , and needed drained. We live in a retirement home, and on a midweek visit our doctor failed to check his heart and lungs. A nurse, noticing that something was wrong, called that doctor back on a Friday. Then the doctor sent him to emergency. He was admitted to the hospital, but not until 10pm. Then there was no doctor available to drain his lungs until Monday. He dyed Sunday morning. He may have lost years of his life needlessly, and that adds to my grief.

  46. Thank you Laurie for the gift of a place to share. May I say that I am deeply sorry for the anguish and pain you have faced in losing your husband. Protracted illness has its own steely kind of grip and It has its own exquisite gifts of intimacy as well. As much as two souls can share in love and joy, there is another metal that is tempered with the sharing of fatal ravaging illness. My heart is sad for you and admiring of your strength and beauty.
    Mark and I were married for 24 years, that is almost 1/2 of my life, no wonder my sorrow without him feels aimless,lost. Mark was sick when we met in our late 30’s he had polycystic kidney disease and was over due to start hemodialysis.Thus began our journey of love and a medical marathon.
    In Mark’s obituary I wrote that he was a man of tremendous compassion,grace and grit. He faced years of peritoneal and hemodialysis while teaching full time.People don’t realize that dialysis is only a thread that keeps you tentatively tethered to life. Mostly you are sick and very tired. Mark had a kidney transplant which failed 4 years later and perhaps this was the best part of his return to health. When his kidney failed so did his liver and he waited in the ICU for a life saving kidney/liver transplant. Literally at the last hour, before he was deemed too sick for transplant, he was given the gift of life. He died during the surgery and was resuscitated. HIs rehab took about a year. Mark lived for 8 more years and I always thank God for them, as they provided the deepest most passionate and mature love of our life together.
    Sadly post transplant he was plagued by the down side of anti rejection medications. He was ravaged by a deadly cancer related to anti rejection drugs and catching a breath from that, pancreatic cancer took his life. Mark was in and out of the hospital over the course of our life together too many times for me to count. A trail of tears for surgeries, infections, wounds that cast a long shadow. Mark suffered for a long time, emotionally and physically.
    Mark was inspiring, he believed that no matter what hand we were dealt that we were here to increase the light and he did. In my life time, Mark was my deepest love and dearest friend. There has been no one else like him for me. As grief follows his death, after 2 years I can now accept that nothing so meaningful, a love so life changing, could ever not leave me with the deepest pain I have ever known, however my Faith and Hope are as deep and my gratitude for the gift of my life with Mark shines in my heart!!!
    Thank you, I pray that Hope will light your way trough the darkest hours of Grief. Erica

    1. Hello Erica,
      I know exactly how you feel. My husband passed away 2 years 3 1/2 months ago from complications with kidney failure. We were married 36 yrs and 3 months and 15 days. I know he isn’t in pain but I still miss him and want him back. He was on dialysis for 1 year 1 month. He hated it so I guess it is selfish for me to want him to go through that just to be here with me. I have so many thoughts in my head and pain in my heart even after 2 years. I am a Christian but I have so many questions and envy, jealousy and even anger in me towards others who still have their husbands. I feel like I lost everything. I just don’t know if I can live my life without him. He always protected me and made me feel special. I miss him so much. Only somebody who has experienced this kind of lost can understand. We have 3 children but they really don’t check on me other than our youngest daughter. So I really don’t have anybody just alone. I don’t want another husband. I just don’t know who I am or what I am suppose to be doing how to live. I look fine on the outside but on the inside I am a mess. I keep believing that my husband shouldn’t have died that it’s my fault due to my disobedience. I just retired from my job of 32 years and I keep thinking that was a mistake but the work was becoming too much but it got me out of the house.The Lord says He has plans for me but what are they I wish I knew. My life is a mess.

      1. Audrey Ramsden-Green

        Hello Norma,
        I think I have an idea how you feel. My husband died on the 28th April this year.
        He was a fit man although 79 years old. He had an aneurism which was repaired so we thought successfully. 10 weeks passed and he was back to driving and getting stronger. One evening he was sick a few times and bringing up blood so he was taken to hospital in an ambulance at midnight.. He said there was no need to go with him as he would phone me in the morning. I was all ready to go with him but he was insistent I received a phone call in the early house from the hospital asking me to go up there urgently. Sadly he died before I reached him.
        Like you are am asking how am I going to live without him. Do I want to? He should not have died and I am still waiting for the results of an investigation from the hospital.
        We would have been married for 10 years a few days after he passed away. I was previously married for 39 years. He also died of an aneurism.
        I look fine on the outside too but inside I cannot see any future. I have 4 children who do not live near me. They think I am ok and think I got over losing there father ok. I was devastated then but this time was far worse. We were both retired so had a wonderful loving exciting life together. I cannot say this to anyone but I feel I had been waiting for him all my life. We danced a lot travelled a lot laughed together and he told me he loved me every day at least once.
        I have had such a bad day and were wishing I could join him and ask why he went without me.. I really don’t know what to do. Everywhere one goes I see couples holding hands and laughing and talking together and it hurts. I just wish it was us.
        Sorry because I am not helping you in any way but I know so well what you are going through.
        I do hope things get better for you and for me.

      2. I know how you feel lost my husband of 60 years passed in 2015 I just do not want to live any longer it has been 2 an d one half years I find noting in life to hold on to my children are all great but I have no reason to live any longer I pray to god let me die so I can be with my husband

  47. Hi my name is Brenda
    I lost my husband of 28 years on 02/15/2017 from a sudden brain aneurysm. He was 52 and my soulmate , we shared and did everything with our kids. Family meant alot to him. He was a perfectly healthy and active person . A loving and caring man who healed and helped alot of people when they were ill. He always said when your time is up and the good Lord calls you home it’s time to go. We miss him alot. I know he is up there in Heaven and watching over us

  48. Elizabeth Castello

    Hi my name is Lisa, I lost my husband of 21 wonderful years on June 12th 2016, he was the love of my life he had Congestive Heart Failure, he was a wonderful person, he would of been 50 on March 27th 2017 this month, so sad he had a lot of health problems too, we did have a hard life he was stressed out all the time at times he was happy when we traveled with his Parents and our Son, but he is not suffering anymore I know he would want me to live my life out, and I will but I miss him so much he was my Best Friend, I know God is taking care of him now until we meet again, May God Bless all of you nice ladies that have lost your husbands, sometimes it seems like a dream, I live with my 93 year old Dad and I also have a cat in my old room I was in when I was a teenager, I am 51 now going to be 52 in September, so I will live my life to the fullest I know John would want me to and vice versa if something happened to me before him I would want him to be happy and to go on with his life. God Bless all of you, Sincerely, Lisa Castello

    1. Hello my name is Nina i just lost the love of my life March 19th 2017 its only been several weeks and he died in my arms. Many people say its many things to me it was horrible struggling to breath and sounds that come are never ending in my head. I see him dying with dignity and me by his side but it left me with a feeling of great despair he stopped breathing moving and a tear came down leaving me to wonder what it meant and so many other questions i no over time i will not hurt as much and i no that there is someone else who is right now in the moment of going through the same thing and at this point i have several weeks i say that to say you make it.Even when it looks like your not you make it. He always told me that time means……things I must earn. So Iam earning my time.God bless us all while we earn our time Sincerely Nina

  49. I have lost 2 wonderful husbands in 10 yrs.the first died April 2010. The second died April 2016.without god in my life I don’t think I would of made it.I go to mass everyday. He gives me strength where I need it..

  50. I lost my husband 2 months after his diagnoses. He was 50. Myself 40. He passed Nov 13 2016 and my best friend of 25 years just died Tuesday… I have lost everything as we were young and not ready but I dont care about the material. I just want my husband back or to be with him…I don’t think I can do this..


      1. Nicole, My Heart and Prayers are with you…It is suppose to get easier but I haven’t seen it yet….Lost is the word most used…and I can say I know how you feel….I lost my husband 12/21/2016 and nothing I do is right anymore part of me is missing and I feel can never be the same…I take you are young and have a whole life ahead of you….I believe he would want you to live life to the fullest…I know that right now that doesn’t look like a option but hopefully it does get better and gets easier with time…You take care and I will be praying for you!! Think of those good memories and the time God gave you together!!

  51. Kathleen,

    Today marks the first anniversary of my husband’s passing. I could have wrote many of your exact words as I have the same feelings and situations. My husband had cancer for 5 years and although he was in pain and suffering, he never let any of us know how bad it was. I feel blessed that I had his love since for 50 years. He was my childhood sweetheart since I was 15 years old. He was my true friend and the love of my life. Empty is the only way I can describe how I feel deep in side. My heart aches for him. I am truly blessed with 2 wonderful sons, family and many friends and I’m grateful but still no one can replace being held by your husband and hearing him say, “I love you”.

    1. Elizabeth Castello

      Kathy, I am so sorry for your loss, I know how it is to lose a Spouse. Mine will be a year in 3 months, he had Congestive Heart Failure, he is not suffering anymore so I feel at peace that he is not suffering anymore. He suffered a year and a half. I have a very nice Co-Worker at work she lost her husband this year will be 3 years to Brain Cancer and her name is Kathy also. I hope God will comfort you at this time of need and hope you will feel his healing arms around you also. May God Bless you and your family. Sincerely, Lisa C

    2. Hello Kathleen, I cried for you. Oh my Lord, 50 years of loving someone so special to you.I was married for 24 years and lost my husband, my deepest love and dearest friend 2 years ago. I sometimes close my eyes at night and let the sound of his words run through my mind ” I love you “, every night before going to sleep.Yes, I understand, being told this by that one person is as sustaining as food or sleep, almost as if it is the closest thing to heaven we will find here on earth. I send you prayers that your heart may find comfort in the desert that is without him. Erica

      1. Audrey Ramsden-Green

        Hi Erica,
        I am fairly new to this site. I lost my husband on the 28th April. We were married for almost 10 years. It was my 2nd marriage I lost my first husband after 39 yearsof marriage. This time, perhaps it is because I’m older is so hard. We were both retired and spent all our time together and had a wonderful 10 years. My husband too said I love you many times but my memories of him saying it before we went to bed were most prominent in my memory.
        I am finding it so difficult to cope because financially he has not left me in a good position. He meant to change his will but died before it happened.. All his money has been left to his 4 sons. I do own half of the house. 3 of them didn’t have any contact with their Dad. I cant help agonising perhaps he didn’t really love but loved his sons more even though they showed they didn’t love him. He was so loving towards me . I don’t know what to do and it is tearing me apart. Just wish he would come back to me, its unbearable without him.

  52. I have never felt such despair in my life. I somewhat feel guilty for missing my husband and best friend as much as I do. I lost my Mom about a year before my husband passed away but nothing has had such a strong lasting effect as my husband’s passing. We held hands wherever we went because it was just natural for us. We never tired of talking with one another. We were constant companions by choice. I realize how fortunate I was to have such a beautiful person in my life…truly blessed. I am reeling with the loss of so many people in such a short period of time (My Mom, Father in law and husband). I also had my job outsourced and would ordinarily deal with loss by immersing myself in work. There is extreme age discrimination in the work place and while I have a master’s degree and many years of experience, no one seem to want to hire me. I have grown children who lead their own lives and are very busy. I have friends who are married who I see once in a great while. I am beginning to lose hope even though I am a religious person and am appreciative of simple things like the beauty that surrounds us all. There are times when I feel that I have outlived my usefulness to my children and to society. Then there are times when I spend entire days just submitting job applications and trying. My husband’s estate has more debt than assets. I am in financial difficulty with no one to help me but me. I’m not really sure what the next steps are. I pray a lot and read the Bible. I crochet things for people and I keep the TV on just for background noise/company. My husband has grown children from a prior marriage. Some are very good to me. Some just seem to want to inherit “things”, even though I have explained the debt to asset situation of his estate. Thank God I have Lawyers assisting me with probating his estate. Blended families are difficult to say the least. Sometimes I feel like Jobe or like I must have done something terribly wrong to have such terrible things happen. Other times I kick my own butt into gear and try & try again. My husband was not sick. I woke up one morning & he did not. It was a total shock. I try my best to just do One thing every day which sometimes leads to another thing… I pray a lot and I am thankful for the life that I had and for the life that I hopefully will have.

    1. Laura, I know how you feel and my heart goes out to you…I came home from work 12/21/16 and found my dear Mose he died in his sleep….nobody knows until something like this happens…this is something that can destroy a person but we can’t let that happen…I have the very same feelings as you it is as if I wrote your comment…They say things get better I can’t understand how but I know he would want the best for me and your husband would want that for you…it seems everything is against us right now but I am sure there is a rainbow to come for all of us out there…You try to have a Great Day and think of the good things you shared and I hope you find work…I also lost my job the following week!!!

    2. Audrey Ramsden-Green

      Hi Laura,
      Just read your post and hope things get better for you. My husband passed away at the end of April. I have had a wonderful 10 years of marriage but it does not help my future. Like you I keep feeling that I must have done something wrong or bad in my life. My first husband died suddenly also. My husband did not change his will as he said he was going to and all his money goes to his 4 sons. I am not going to be in the best financial position but I am too old to get work and would not have the energy to do so anyway. My husbands brother did suggest that I work. I have 4 grown up children but like your family they are busy. They just think I am coping. I cannot stand being in the home alone. I have the radio going all day for company. When we married we moved away from my family.
      I do hope you will get a job that you need, perhaps you could start with voluntary work.
      I wish you all the very best and hope your pain eases.

    3. You are so not alone in how you feel, it is difficult for those left behind to keep going. I cannot imagine loosing my husband as you did yours (suddenly), I am thankful to have had the 4 1/2 months before he passed away. I do things at time one hour at a time, can only hope it gets better by the hour as well.

  53. My Dee was a beautiful person inside and out was unselfish and all the girls wanted him but he chose me to spent his life with we were together for 6 years a lot of ups and down which only made us closer… he left on April 6th to be with his maker in a fatal car accident I had just got off the phone with him I found out later because of the police report.. he said he was on his way home to me we hung up and the next morning my world was turned upside down… I found out we were expecting our first child that week… we thought we might be pregnant and bought a test together that night he died but I didn’t take it … he never got to find out
    But I had a dream that he told me thx for having my son and that was before I knew I was pregnant let alone I had a boy.. he comes to me in my dreams a lot I miss him so much and I had our and I wish I could share this with him I cry often but I do feel happy sometimes I wish I could find him in heaven and bring him home.l have so much to say we had so many plans..I lost the love of my life…

  54. I lost my Richard five weeks ago. Two years prior to his death he was diagnosed with small cell and given six months. He came back from the edge so many times. I think I had just deluded myself into thinking he would always do that. Get real weak and sick but always bounce back. The last go round only lasted two days and even though I had prayed for God to take him and ease his pain, the second he wasn’t here anymore I thought of things I still needed to say. I had considered him dying what I hadn’t quite realized was what the thought of never seeing him again would do to me. I miss him so very much. I think if I knew where he was I would go find him. He promised to let me know he was alright I wait every day for him to communicate with me. Oh Richard come back please don’t leave me here with out you

    1. Michelle, I understand how you feel…so much… I wish I would have said and done if I had only known…My Mose….I miss him so much..I hope you the best in life and things get better for you…and God Bless You…I understand your feelings! He took his last breath in our bed!

    2. Michelle, I know the feeling. Carl bounced back from the edge SO MANY TIMES. I just thought it was another slump and he’d bounce back in a few days. I always told him I loved him but if I knew he had so little time I’d told him so much more. I too wish I could go get him and bring him back.

  55. Dear Robyn,

    I feel such sadness for what you are going through. I’m glad you were able to find peace in your husband’s love when you went into the bed you shared with him. That also became a concern of mine. Although my husband passed away in hospice, I thought how can I ever sleep in this bed alone after 45 years together! Ironically, within the first couple of months after he passed away, I had actually three what I know was real experiences and signs that he was watching over me. I truly felt my husbands shoulder one night. I use to touch his shoulder at night to feel safe and comforted. Another night, it was so very real, I felt his warm body next to me and I could feel his chest hair on my upper lip as I kissed him. Also his shoes were moved from where I had placed by the front door the night before to finding them in the kitchen the next morning. I found his shoes there just like he was taking a step…one foot in front of the other! My husband wanted me to know he will be with me always and I found great peace in these beautiful and miraculous signs. He also sends me clouds that form into hearts. God knows how deeply in love were and always will be and I thank God for the blessings of letting my husband provide me these few precious and miraculous moments. I asked God for them. Perhaps He will grant you beautiful signs from your dear loved ones too.

  56. Dear Kathleen: your information was so real to me…you made the most sense thus far for this past year I lost my beloved husband suddenly one year ago December 2, 2015..21.5 years of pure marital bliss…I have engaged in individual and support books..excerpts such as this one…I have two very strong supporter’s who understand to the core of what I am going through..but most of all I have God…thank goodness I did not turn my back on Him during this unspeakable time in my life.. I thank God that I actively want to get to a place that I have a new and different “better”…we were so close from the day we met…our heart chambers became united…needless to say I loss two chambers the moment I received the news…I have become in a different place with when my husband left out to run an errand that he never returned…nut I am forever grateful to God that he and I NEVER EVER left one another angry…went to bed angry…and did not harbor anger towards one another…we professed our love for one another daily..and most times throughout the day either by text or a phone call when we were not with on another to include the last moments we saw each other…no regrets at all for each year God blessed me to have him…he was the kindest…selfless…giving human being I have ever known…literally up to the day he passed…never spoke an unkind word to me…I was his queen and he was my king…thank you for this post Kathleen…and may God continue to let you be a beacon to all of use who has lost loved ones

    1. Dear Gina,
      Thank you for reaching out to me and relating that you also feel the deep loss that has encompassed me. I keep asking who am I now that I am only part of the person I was before my husband’s passing. I cherish every last minute with him and I’m wearing out his pictures that I have around the house with all my kisses. We were so blessed to have been showered by God with such incredible love with our husbands and God knows we need His now to move forward to feel that safe haven again.

    2. I lost my husband 12/21/16 suddenly…I found him in the morning after working night shift…his birthday was 12/31/16 and our 44th anniversary will be 1/20/17 and after the funeral everyone had to get back to their lives and I feel so alone! Getting back into our bed that night I thought I would die…but I knew I had to do it…he took his last breath there but I really did find comfort and have slept peacefully feeling he is still near and watching over me!

      1. Robin, so sorry for the sudden loss of your husband. Hurts so bad when one loses a soulmate. I’ve thought about joining a support group but there are none in my area. That’s how I found this forum. Sometimes we need a sounding board.

  57. Dear Peggy Jones,

    I understand exactly what you are saying when family and friends say, with a little time, things will be “normal” again. They have no idea that we lost our so much of everything that brought us joy.
    Getting up with him in the morning and seeing him off to work. The joy of cooking dinner and seeing how happy my husband he returned home, just talking about our day and sharing ideas in the evening (now so quiet and trying to get into TV or call a friend but just not the same). These are my worse times.

  58. Dear Laurie and Renee,

    Thank you for responding to me. Renee, my heart breaks for what you are and have already gone through. Now that the weather is starting to get gloomy and cold here in northeast Ohio, I only brings more sadness of last year and my last days with my husband. I feel just like you do. You are not alone in feeling this deep empty loss of self, loneliness and lack of joy and peace. I can’t even image feeling that ever again. My husband was my life and I feel like part of me died with him. I hope that reaching out on this site to others like us will uplift our heavy hearts.

  59. I’m sorry for not responding earlier – I’m traveling in Vietnam with my husband, sometimes getting frustrated with the inconveniences and frustrations of traveling as a couple! And then I read your heartfelt sentiments about what it’s like to have lost a husband – to be a grieving widow – and I am grateful for the gift of my marriage.

    I am sorry for your loss, and I’m glad you shared your feelings here. It’s important to write about the loss and grief you feel, so you can work through the pain. I hope you find it helpful to know you’re not alone, and that your written comments here are so important to every reader on this blog – even if we don’t respond in writing.

    May your heart heal, and may you find ways to live fully and be joyful and peaceful again.

    In sympathy and with warm regards,

    1. Dear Laurie, I have been reading all these comments from widows who are grieving. I can relate to them. Some things I have read sound like I had written them. I have lost my beloved husband on Dec 8 2015. Our 16th wedding anniversary would have been on Dec l7. He bravely fought his lung cancer for over 1 and one half years. His cancer spread to his bones and liver and he also developed congestive heart failure. He died in my arms after I had to take him off the ventilator in the hospital…..everything had happened so quickly that night. He was supposed to go home the next day. He was my everything. My soulmate. My Lover. My bestfriend. He was 57 when he was taken from me. The pain has been so great. Time has not healed a thing. As a matter of fact it is worse. No more laughter, love, conversations, holding hands, kissing and hugging. Since then I had lost my career to illness and my finances. Life is a struggle. I have no family in my area…..they are 2000 miles away. I have difficulty driving. I am mostly in my home alone with the cats 24/7. I loved/love him still so much. There can never be anyone to replace him in my heart. I cry DAILY. We had no children together although we tried. People /aquaintances at the time of his death and even now say the most cruel things such as “get over it” “time heals all wounds” etc. They are the ones that go home to their husbands and family every day. The death of a spouse is like nothing one experiences in their life. I have lost parents, siblings, friends. NOTHING compares to the loss of a spouse. I was taken aback when you mentioned traveling with your husband as a couple. Nice. We were a couple too. So has all the other grieving, hurting women on this site. All I can say to you and others who have never been widowed is this. Start a blog about something you know about. This is real life . Not a fiction novel. Don’t exploit women’s pain to eventually write a good book. Every married person will be a widow someday. Wait your turn.

  60. Dear Laurie,

    I’m so grateful to have found your site where I connect and find some support with other women who have lost their husbands. I lost my dear husband on Feb 15th, 2016 due to stage 4 prostate cancer that spread to his bones and complications. The diagnosis came after his primary care doctor finally sent him to a urologist after he started having urinary accidents. The diagnosis after his biopsy came as a shock since we had been telling his primary doctor something was not right for 2 years. He felt good but had aching in his right hip and mood swings. His PSA was a 3. He was given 6 months to a year to life. With the help of clinical trials and very aggressive treatments he beat the odds for 5 years. He was amazingly strong, never complained and continued to go to work through two rounds of powerful chemo, hormone and radium injections, blood transfusions, heavy doses of medications, surgery and the awful self catheterizing. He struggled with pain and the horrors of dying, fighting to live to be with us through the holidays, our birthdays and even Valentines Day (the day before he passed). He just turned 66. He ‘was’ my life as we were high school sweethearts since the summer of 8th grade. We had a beautiful marriage of 45 years and God blessed us with two amazing sons. I don’t know how to live without him. Like others who have written, a part of me has died with him. I don’t know who I am anymore. My heart and body aches for him and this sadness and loneliness encompasses my whole being. I don’t know how to live alone. Although I do have the support of friends and family and can call on them, I feel I don’t want burden them with my sadness and disrupt their households. Thank you for providing a place to share my feelings and bond with other women that are trying to cope with such a loss. Sending all who read this my love and warm regards.

    1. Hi Kathy; I am also a widow as of March 17, 2016. I am 56, and my husband was 56 yrs old. He battled stage 4 colon cancer which had spread all over the liver by the time he was diagnosed in Oct 2012. He battled hard. He had over 80 chemo txt’s and continued to work, driving his logging truck til Jan 29th, 2016, believe it or not. We were married for 37 yrs, and I too, do not know how to live without him.

      1. Renee, I lost my husband Carl on 12/5/16 to stage 4 colon cancer that had spread to liver. He fought HARD 3 years, going to chemo and working full time until a year ago. He was the love of my life and passed away before Christmas and our 15th wedding anniversary on December 30. He was only 64. I wake up every morning heartbroken and dreading the day without him. I trust God that it’s going to get better but right now, it ain’t happening. Hope it gets better for you.

    2. Hi Kathy: My name is Teresa Sewell, I live in Alabama we have very similar stories. I too am struggling as a grieving widow. My husband of 25 years died on July 27, 2016 he was diagnosed with intermediate stage prostate cancer the urologist told us that they had caught the cancer early and the prognosis was good because he was only 57 years old. My husband’s primary doctor was the doctor who ran the first PSA we asked him to send us to the same urologist that had cured my 79 year old dad of prostate cancer 2 years earlier.
      My husband died of a blood clot, but I did not ask for an autopsy my mind was not working correctly at that time. I began planning my husband’s funeral, and the nurse from the office called me to ask why my husband had not shown up for his appointment I totally went off on her. I told her he had a very good reason because he had died the day before well it took the nurse all of 2 seconds before she had the doctor on the phone he was totally in shock he asked me what had happened and I told him I guess it was not the hot weather. The ER doctor said it was probably a blood clot in the leg that had broken loose and went to his lungs and stopped his heart. Of course the doctor denied that the radiation caused blood clots but I have spoken to my husband’s primary doctor and he said that doctors are taught that cancer patients have a higher risk of forming blood clots than someone who does not have cancer. But the doctor still denied he only said he was very sorry. After the funeral I got copies of my husband’s medical records and contacted an attorney. I spoke to my attorney last Friday and was told that I had a very good case because the doctor never ordered any testing whatsoever when my husband began complaining of shortness of breath but that since I did not have an autopsy done they could not represent me because we had no definite proof that a blood clot is what caused his death. My husband’s life insurance did not pay off because they said the cause of death was cardiac arrest and the policy did not cover cardiac arrest. I think the doctor got away with killing my husband and is not going to be punished for it.
      I’m a grieving widow and I am angry at the doctor who hastened my husband’s death.

  61. Thank you for being here – and I am so sorry for your loss. The only thing worse than losing a beloved husband or wife is losing a child…although it doesn’t make sense to compare different types of grief! I guess I just want to say I’m sorry that you have to experience this.

    Life doesn’t make sense sometimes. Losing a husband is so painful, and there are no answers or words of comfort that take the grief away. And, losing a husband really is losing part of yourself – and that’s partly why there may be no “final” healing. No getting over it, no coming back to your normal self. You’ll never be who you were when your husband was alive.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray for strength, healing, and encouragement. I pray you meet people who can support you in person, who understand what you’re going through, and who can help you heal and feel connected again. I pray you find yourself and rebuild your life with a joy and peace that surpasses all understanding.

    I signed up for a GriefShare Group through my church. It’s a 4 hour video and talk – you can get more information about locations at . It’s not just for widows and widowers, it’s for anyone who is struggling with loneliness and grief – including grieving spouses whose partners are still alive, but very ill (such as dementia or Alzheimer’s).

    May you find joy and peace in today, even if it’s not the day you would’ve chosen for yourself.

  62. Hi, I lost my husband of 7 years to MS a few months ago. He was 35, I have a 3 year old. I remember how tough the first few months were and they still are but there is so much to manage as I have a responsibility towards our daughter that sometimes I feel so angry at life that I not just lost my best friend and husband, I lost myself in the whole process. There is so much to do that sometimes I feel I won’t be able to carry on like this, I feel guilty, I feel anger, sometimes I feel good, I try to think of what purpose is left in life and I can’t find anything sometimes. People suffocate me, I know they mean well but I would much rather prefer that they leave me alone- nobody understands what I’m going through and that on some days Iam so down that their one unthoughtful comment can just break my day. I am hoping that a day will come when I will be able to pull all this together.

  63. After 22 years with my husband, he suddenly passed away of heart failure on January 7, 2016. We had been through his bacterial pneumonia and back surgeries twelve years ago. His onset of gran mal seizures beginning five years ago and his triple bypass three years ago. He was a champion through it all. However, he also developed a very strong addiction to pain medication and was taking thirty different pills a day. He wasn’t well. I saw that he wasn’t well, but he had always bounced back before. In January he took one breath and died. He left behind his children, 15, 17, and 25. And he left behind me, at 53. I am deeply broken hearted. I built my life around this man, caring for and loving him every step of the way. Our children are painfully sad. This was so sudden and tragic. We never had the opportunity to say good-bye. We never had the opportunity to say, “I love you” just one more time. It’s been seven months and the waves of emotions still ebb and flow. The pain is a bit softer at times, but it still stings.

  64. Hello,
    I lost my husband of 55 years last October, 2015 of congestive heart failure. When he went into the hospital, we never thought he was not coming home. I wake up every morning with this horrible empty feeling in my stomach, then I cry and cry. I ask God to please take me to end this suffering. I ask why I had all those beautiful years, and now, as I approach the end of my life, I have to suffer instead of be happy. Why do we, as widows, have to pay this awful price. I wanted to end life as a happy person, not someone who cries every day and wishes for death to come. Why stay in this existence if it is so painful? I have supportive family and some new friends, but they cannot give me what my husband did. He gave me love, conversation, encouragement, passion, and a sense of contentment and happiness. That is what I miss – contentment. I always felt calm and happy when he was around. Now my days are filled with emptiness and I feel I live a pretend life. I smile even when I know in my heart I don’t feel happy. I am hoping that God is merciful and allows me to come home to my husband soon since I am 76. I do not want to live for many years ahead awaiting this pain every day.

    1. I just found this site–my husband also died Oct. 29, 2015 of sudden cardiac arrest six days after surgery to place an epicardial lead for his pacemaker. After six previous shocks, this time the defibrillator could not save him. We were married 46 years and here I sit–still searching websites, reading other people’s stories and feeling the anguish and sorrow as if it had just happened. I am a shell of myself and life has lost all meaning, color, and joy–I truly do not want to live like this!

      1. Jan, so sorry to hear of your loss – my husband passed February 20, 2015 in my arms on our sons birthday. My loss of this wonderful man goes so much deeper, 8 months before I lost him I lost my 32 year old daughter, I lost her 6 days after I began chemo for stage 4 uterine cancer. I do not understand why I am still here. My grief, sorrow, loneliness is most day more than I can bare. My friends and family have now gone on with their lives, I have lost who I am, I may have kicked cancers butt – but it is bittersweet – get it, to try to think I have to exist like this year after year brings no joy

  65. It has only been a few days since my 63 year old husband of 27 years left this earthly plain, He was a long time diabetic whose heart was failing in spite of a pacemaker and aggressive medical treatment,

    he was not feeling well and had made the trip to our neighborhood shop for a lottery ticket, Hecollapsed with a major heartattack, the E M Ts found no pluse and he was unconsious though stable that night after they revived him He passed the following afternoon, Our son and I were at his side, I knew he was ill but in denial he was going to leave me a widow, I am lost, expect to see him in his chair or puttering outside, I want to hit something, tear it apart with my bare hands scream, yell stomp my feet and hide until it all goes away, Even after a short time I don’t want to do this any more, Please let me go back to last week and magicaly change things I loved that man and he left me alone

  66. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your thoughts on the pain and grief of losing your husband.

    You’re not alone if you feel as devastated today as the day he died. Nothing can replace the loss of your spouse — not support groups, books, blogs, or even keeping busy. Your life is forever different, and you may never fully adjust.

    My prayer is for peace and healing. May you find moments of joy in your days, and pockets of peace in your nights. May your heart feel the rays of warm sunshine again. May your soul and spirit feel the love of something or someone out of this world.

    In sympathy,

  67. My husband passed away Oct. 23, 2014 after a 16 month battle of renal cell carcinoma, stage IV. Of course I knew it was terminal but kept it light as my husband was not as
    knowledgeable with medicine. So many tests, procedures, up and downs throughout
    the months all the while not letting your guard down. Not ever wanting him to know
    what you know and keeping him upbeat and comfortable. Constantly investigating
    a newer procedure. His remaining kidney could not withstand the harsh drugs the
    doctors were prescribing and it relinquished. My husband left me at 3:47 p.m., Oct.
    23, 2014. Along with him passing I, too, lost my quality of life. There is nothing left.
    He was my life. People say, “Give it time, you will be alright.” Well, I feel the same
    today as the day he left. No, it is not as simple as people want to believe. They all
    want things to be “normal” again. It’s just not that simple. There is no more getting
    back to the way you were. It isn’t the way you were. It is without your everything.
    Who understands this? Am I the only one who thinks this way? I don’t think so. I
    know there has to be someone else out there who agrees with me.

  68. I lost n.y. beloved husband on March 1, 2014 suddenly of a massive HEART attack.
    We were married 42 years. It is going on 18 months now since he,s gone. Life is so
    Very difficult living without him. I,m in a BEREAVEMENT GROUP and made some very good friends. I have my two grown sons and family members. I will try to go on as I take one day at a time. I often wonder why am I still here and what will become of me now. I guess only
    God has that answer. And so I will go on as best I can until God calls me home to be with my husband, once again.

  69. I lost my husband a month ago stomach cancer he was 47 we just renew our vows a month later he was gone we never knew he had cancer the dr was stupid said its a ulcer the hate i have

  70. I had the sudden loss of my husband November 28, 2014. He was happy we spent Thanksgiving together. It was Black Friday that he passed away. I still keep thinking if I could have been able to save him. He was diabetic and had numerous lows. This time they said it was not just the diabetes but a cardiac arrest. I miss him so much, This is the hardest thing that I have gone through. We were married 44 years. I miss his voice his loving ways. I feel totally alone. I have two grown sons but nothing or no one can take the place of my husband. I wanted more time to enjoy with him. I have had a lot of aches and pains. I cry almost every single day. He was my soul mate, my friend and so many other things to me. I feel if my whole world has fallen upside down. I get frightened when I think of the future without him.

  71. Everyone deals with grief in their own way, and it changes from day to day! Grief comes and goes in waves, and different people have different ideas on how the grieving process “should” be for widows who lost their husbands. But, there is no right way to grieve – and there is no reason to think that we should all show our sad feelings or huge displays of grief.

    It’s hard to be ourselves when we’re grieving, but it is my prayer that we’re able to let ourselves grieve the way we feel most comfortable. I hope we can let the opinions of others go, so we can move forward in our healing journey.

    In sympathy,

  72. My husband died unexpectedly at home in January. For the longest time, all I felt was numbness. I can only describe the process as a gradual thawing of my emotions, I suppose as I am prepared to deal with them. I have made an effort to move forward one step at a time and stay busy. Although I work and have my moments of fun, I also have my moments of grief and process in private. I don’t feel comfortable providing open access to my every emotion.

    I am having the hardest time dealing with those who feel compelled to comment on how well I’m coping. Sometimes I get the feeling they are disappointed that I’m not providing some huge display of grief. I try to believe that they mean well, but sometimes I’m not so sure.

  73. Dear Marion,

    I am sorry you lost your husband. It sounds like your last few years with him weren’t exactly “honeymoon” – but life without him is hard, too!

    Just yesterday, I wrote an article about husbands who drink. I’m reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and learning that wives can NOT do anything to change, reform, or even help husbands who drink. Alcohol is a powerful addiction, a disease that you can’t help someone out of unless he wants to quit drinking.

    It sounds like your grieving process is complicated by the fact that you feel guilty that you didn’t do more. I don’t know how you feel, but it sounds like you’re lonely partly because you don’t admit how you feel to people. You say you put on a brave face in the daytime, but you cry at night.

    What would happen if you reached out and told people how you feel? Maybe take the brave face off once in a while, with a trusted friend or even a counselor?

    Sometimes, the best way to heal is to uncover the wound. It’s very painful in the short term, but in the long run it brings health and wellness…and peace.

    Can you talk to someone you trust about your feelings of grief and guilt, and about your marriage? I welcome your thoughts here; writing can help us manage grief and emotions. But, talking and sharing our deepest emotions in person is also very important.

    In sympathy,

  74. I lost my husband on 23rd dec 2013 from lung cancer. The diagnosis just 4 months ago and just 1 chemo and then he died. We had a turbulent last 3 years together as he drank but I feel guilty that I could have helped him more. I live in spain, so much of my support is in the uk. I feel lonely and put on a brave face in the daytime, but cry at night. I need to get on with my life but feel that at 70, it will be hard.

  75. Dear Natasha,

    I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like it’s been a whirlwind of activity since you lost your husband, and you haven’t had a chance to grieve or even process the idea that he is gone. Maybe you’re feeling both numb and sad?

    Your husband isn’t here to protect you or help you cope with everything, and you’re seeing a side of people – family members! – that you’ve never experienced before. It’s alot to handle, isn’t it? Even if you take it one day at a time, it may still feel overwhelming. Maybe taking it one hour at a time would be easier to handle.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers — and your daughters, too. Counseling will help you process the grief and shock. I hope you find other women to talk to, who have lost their husbands. It’s often so helpful to talk to other widows who have experienced similar tragedies.

    Come back anytime, let me know how things are going.

    In sympathy,

  76. Natasha Phillips-Mason

    Thank you for your sharing. I am very lost at present as I lost mu husband, and the love of my life only 25 days ago and due to us being expats it has taken me over 3 weeks to repatriate him and get him back to be layer to rest 2 days ago. THen it was Christmas today.

    My family have flown over and are here but it is all too much. I just miss him dreadfully and am terrified , absolutely terrified of any life without him. All our plans and dreams are gone. He was only young and I cannot see 5 minutes ion the future. There is still so much to be dealt with before normality resumes but I don’t know if I can even do that.

    I am so sad without him and yet I don’t feel a thing at the same time and although this is the longest we have been apart, I cannot believe it is real. Some of my family have been selfish and garnered their own sympathy from anyone they can while not sharing it with me. I am disgusted by some people behaviour and the requests I have had to accommodate. He would never allow me to be treated like that. terrified, lonely, and due to location etc. will not be able t join any groups etc.

    Hope you can let me know if there is one on line i can participate in. can’t see the future without my love.

  77. Dear Dee Dee,

    I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your husband. I believe losing your spouse is one of the most painful, saddest things to deal with in life – especially when you have daughters who miss him so badly.

    Thank you for being here. It sounds like you’re still in shock and disbelief, and you’re trying to work through your emotions and still be there for your daughters. It’s so much to cope with at once! Too much.

    Are you leaning on friends and family for support? It’s important to talk through your feelings, and cry with adults who can be there for you. You have to be there for your girls…and you have to find loving people who will be there for you.

    Who is walking alongside you as you grieve the death of your husband? Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings here.

    I wish you all the best – I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers,

  78. I lost my friend, husband and my girls’ daddy to a terrible vehicle accident a few weeks ago. I had just talked to him on the phone an hour and a half before the accident. I had no idea as I was picking up our first of three girls that he was being pronounced dead at that exact time. I picked up all three girls and brought them home from school. I went back to work for my last hour downtown. I received a call on my way home from the sheriffs office asking me to please come home. I was shaking, worried but not prepared. Within 5 minutes I was told that my husband had been in an accident… and died. I screamed at the top of my lungs! My girls came running out and screamed and cried! I screamed and fell to the ground. It was the worst, most unreal, unforgettable, disbelieving and gut wrenching feeling of my life. We were in total disbelief.
    I am strong for my girls but just want to bawl so much of the time. I drive to work in a daze. I drive home in a daze. I can’t believe he is gone forever! My poor sweet girls. He loved them and me so very much. He ALWAYS told us. I am filled with such sadness. I feel like He has left to such a far and away place and has left me here all alone to care for our girls and myself. I thought he would just always be here no matter what. I just can’t believe he is gone. We want him back so very badly. My girls are 15, 13 and 9. We meant everything to him and he is supposed to still be here. I will be getting us all in counciling soon. I am so incredibly saddened!

  79. Dear Dee Dee,

    I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your husband. I believe losing your spouse is one of the most painful, saddest things to deal with in life – especially when you have daughters who miss him so badly.

    Thank you for being here. It sounds like you’re still in shock and disbelief, and you’re trying to work through your emotions and still be there for your daughters. It’s so much to cope with at once! Too much.

    Are you leaning on friends and family for support? It’s important to talk through your feelings, and cry with adults who can be there for you. You have to be there for your girls…and you have to find loving people who will be there for you.

    Who is walking alongside you as you grieve the death of your husband? Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings here.

    I wish you all the best – I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers,

  80. I lost my friend, husband and my girls’ daddy to a terrible vehicle accident a few weeks ago. I had just talked to him on the phone an hour and a half before the accident. I had no idea as I was picking up our first of three girls that he was being pronounced dead at that exact time. I picked up all three girls and brought them home from school. I went back to work for my last hour downtown. I received a call on my way home from the sheriffs office asking me to please come home. I was shaking, worried but not prepared. Within 5 minutes I was told that my husband had been in an accident… and died. I screamed at the top of my lungs! My girls came running out and screamed and cried! I screamed and fell to the ground. It was the worst, most unreal, unforgettable, disbelieving and gut wrenching feeling of my life. We were in total disbelief.
    I am strong for my girls but just want to bawl so much of the time. I drive to work in a daze. I drive home in a daze. I can’t believe he is gone forever! My poor sweet girls. He loved them and me so very much. He ALWAYS told us. I am filled with such sadness. I feel like He has left to such a far and away place and has left me here all alone to care for our girls and myself. I thought he would just always be here no matter what. I just can’t believe he is gone. We want him back so very badly. My girls are 15, 13 and 9. We meant everything to him and he is supposed to still be here. I will be getting us all in counciling soon. I am so incredibly saddened!

  81. Dear Safina,

    It sounds like you are going through the normal, confusing stages of grief! You’re in shock because your husband died, and you are overwhelmed with all sorts of conflicting emotions.

    Grief is complicated and confusing, and it takes a long time to process and deal with the fact that your husband died. Even if you weren’t living with your husband, it’s still a huge shock that you’re a widow!

    Let yourself grieve – just let yourself feel your emotions without trying to fight them. If you can, take a few days off of work. Let your mind and heart get used to the idea that your husband is dead. It takes time, but you’ll start to feel normal again, bit by bit.

    Come back anytime, let us know how you’re doing.


  82. I lost my husband to drinking 18th june just gone his funral was Thursday thing is I had not seen him in about a year an half as he was so ill I could not have my 2 year old round him so we parted in best intrestof our son . but I arranged his send off I can not explne how it feels as one min im sad then happy then bitter am confused also as to what I do now as this as somehow put me into a dream an I need to get up please help me understand

  83. Dear Bonnie,

    I am so sorry you lost your husband, but so happy for you that you have your grandchildren and son. I’ve lost people dear to me, but never my husband. The pain of grief and loss does fade a little bit, I think, but it never totally goes away. I’ll never be the same after losing the people I’ve loved…and I do cherish the people in my life more now.

    I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you have found solace in your spirituality and beliefs — and your Christian friends.


  84. I found this site, an just finished all u dear widows stories… Like all of u I to am a widow… In the beginning part of me wanted to go with him… I could barely breathe.. Iam a Christian… Had I not been? I don’t know??? Please don’t misunderstand me I was very mad at God..after all I was trying to live a Christian life, why not take someone who wasn’t trying to live right? I had been studying the word about 6 years when he my spirit I felt it , I had told my husband several times, I feel like I have been afforded this time because something is big on my horizon…will I be tested? Oh yes..Jesus told us as long as u live in this world u will have trials tribulations…I became a widow at 51.. I lost my lifelong partner. I was a child bride , he too… One week 18….. We were married 34 years we have a son …I had recently recovered from major colon surgery before he passed… He was my nurse…I had a 6 yr battle… He stayed by my side…we had just hung a 30 yr anniversary collage in our liv rm 3 days before his accident… I had made a DVD movie of it the morning of the accident… It was a warm aug eve. After work there was a bike ride not far from our home… We had a beautiful conversation , I said to hom honey be careful of the sun, he said no worries it will be at my back. Babe I will be home by dusk and we will watch that dvd of our 30 anniversary… I watched him hose off his bike, all fresh… We hugged and kissed, I said be careful see u in little while… That was 10 mins. To 5… At 6:15 I got the call no one ever wants to get… My world stopped… I watched him fight for 3 days… After watchn one after another on his chest try to save him paddles , needles , ——————–. My son had only been married 3 mOnths at the time.. He was also in chile for work had to be flown home ASAP.. God does know what u need… Had it not been for our son, I honestly just don’t know…medication helped me survive it too… The medicine made me numb… It’s 4 and half years now… Time does help… U don’t want to hear that at the time , but it’s true…God has since given me two beautiful little grandaughters… And yes the oldest looks like him she has his eyes…my love for them is so great that I must go on for them, I want to teach them things and I don’t want them to think their grandma was so weak she couldn’t handle a hard part of life…. Because my ancestors had to do, whether they wanted to or not too…I know I have drawn some of my strength from my ancestry….I am blessed to have had that love in my life… My life could have been empty??? But it wasn’t someone came into it for 34 of my 51 years… My best wishes to everyone of you.. In revelation , this too shall pass its only temporary…our loved ones are on the other side working for God , with no pain…Gods blessings to all

  85. Dear Mrs B,

    I’m sorry for your loss. You have to go on without your husband, for your children’s sake. I think you’re stronger than you know. Sometimes it helps to take it one minute at a time. Just getting through this day or the next hour may seem overwhelming, so just focus on this minute.

    I will keep you and your children in my thoughts and prayers, as you mourning your loss.

    In sympathy,

  86. Dear Cristina,

    I’m so sorry that you lost your husband and your mother at almost the same time. My heart goes out to you and your daughter, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you mourn.

    Please keep coming back and reading the comments of other widows who are grieving their husbands’ deaths. You are not alone, and you may gain comfort and strength by reading the words of others.

    In sympathy,

  87. I am so hurt right now and all I can do is vent. I lost my husband on Nov. 28,2012. He was only 35 but was on dialysis and the fluids filled up around his lungs and caused him to go into cardiac arrest. Everytime I talk,type, or even think about it my heart begins to cry out with my tears all over again. Ours was alot like some of you. My soulmate, my everything. He took pride in family and we took care of each other. I have 3 kids a teen and two small girls who adored him. They seemed to be my strength right now. I just feel as if I dont want to go on without him. But I know I have to its hard. I have not had to go through anything this devasting without him. Everything happened so fast- Im just in shocked..No word can console me- I even begged God to wake me up but im realizing thats its not adream. My “One & Only” is gone.

  88. I lost my husband Nov 3 , he try so hard to make it since his visit with his doctor it was a terrible cancer ,
    he came from ER and say Iam going to died in 3 to 6 months to make things worse I just came back from my mother cremation ,
    i didnt know if I was crying for mi mother for him for me or my daugther .
    my husband only last 1 yr after his intestinal cancer , it hurt me so bad that my brother in law ask me about the will when he came to see him at the hospital . time will be the best medicine I hope

  89. Thank you for sharing your stories. I think it’s easier for all widows to know they’re not alone in their grief. I hope it helps to read Kathleen’s story of losing her husband to Parkinson’s, and to read the other comments here.

  90. I lost my husband six months ago. He went into the hospital for a 2-3 day stay to adjust meds for congestive heart failure and afib. Within 48 hours he developed an unusual pneumonia and showed signs of alcohol withdrawal which put him in the ICU for 3 1/2 weeks. He developed a second, worse, Klebsiella pneumonia and a blood clot which required intensive blood thinner therapy. While awake he told me how very much he loved me and shortly thereafter I was spoon feeding him when he suffered a hemorrhagic stroke from the blood thinner therapy … Several days passed, he was transferred into a neuro ICU ward but he did not do well. I called in the palliative care doctor who told me he was totally paralyzed on his left side, would never speak, eat, swallow or walk again and would not likely live long. I brought him back home to die in his own bed with me caring for him in our own home and felt it was the most therapeutic thing for both of us.

    He was my guiding light in life, my mentor, my business partner, my husband, my friend. I believe he is still all around me and I speak to him often. I am through the initial stage of grieving but am now becoming rather lonely and need to find more friends and activity but believe that I will be alright longer term. My best wishes for all the rest of you in your difficult journies…


  91. Nicole,
    Your story is very sad and very unexpected like mine. I think that is the worst way…not being able to say good bye. My heart goes out to you.

  92. tomorrow will be one month that i lost my husband. i can’t beleive i’m saying these words. He died at the age of 34 in a motorcycle accident. We have a 3 month old daughter. My daughter and I were cheated out of a life of love. He was/is an amazing man. I’m not saying it to boost him up, he was the best thing that ever happened to me and touched so many hearts. I don’t know how I’m living without him. We had a love that people noticed and wanted. I have no regrets because I loved him 100% everyday. My soulmate…
    I question God but I’m trying to have faith because I want to be with him again. I love you baby…

  93. Hello, It has been 251 days sincemy husband died suddenly @ the young age of 48. Although we had dated for close to 7 years we were only married for 116 days…A beautiful wedding in an apple orchard among family and friends professing our love for God and each other. We were Iron Sharpening Iron together a TEAM a FORCE. We were both marrried before but finally were able to make a commitment to each other and our Maker. I joked in asking that we would have 32 years together. My husand died of a heart attack at a annual poker game with his brothers and friends by his side. He went from one happy world to another and I was a widow now longer than I was a newlywed. Heart ache, disbelief, and wondering how God could make good of this tradegy. For the most part I have been able to be the LIGHT he would want me to be. I am a very positive person. It does take so much energy and so many times I want to hide and not face the demands of the world. I have a very demanding job and had to jump back in so I think it helped me survive those first few months. I feel that the roller coaster I am on is helpful bbecasue no matter how low I go I know I will head back up. I find great joy in honoring him and doing what he would want me to do. All is greaat but I am still alone and so sad and wonder how God will ever make my heart new again…I never had a chance…a this love for someone left…I am presently writing a book “My 116 days in Heaven” and find great joy accounting our courtship and marriage. My faith and family and friends substain me but I can never imagine that joy and love with anyone ever again and I could never imagine taking a picture down or changing anything. He is a part of my life…my heart…Where do I go from here?

  94. Jacqueline Mossburg

    July 20, 2011, my 75 year old husband of 55 years was found unconscious and not breathing on a mountain bike trail in Colorado. All efforts to revive him were unsuccessful. I was waiting for him to come back to our condo for lunch when the call came from the coroner. I was terribly shocked since we thought my husband was in excellent health. To add to the stress, I was away from home and nearly two thousand miles from my family. I felt sad and frightened, but most of my anguish came from feelings of guilt: guilt for fussing at him for little things like leaving the toilet seat up or chewing a cigar. I beat myself up for not noticing something was wrong with him–felt I should have been more aware of his health and insisted he see a doctor! I had to spend the first night by myself, and I didn’t sleep a minute. The only relief I got was writing to him. That first night, I wrote him a 20 page letter, describing my emotions and feelings. The next morning, I got out of bed and walked for an hour. Writing and exercise have been my therapy. He’s been gone, now, for fourteen months, and I still write to him. Somedays, I’m his secretary and he writes to me. Thank goodness, I’ve always had a fitness routine which I’ve continued. Writing, exercising, positive thinking, and being in the company of happy family members and friends as much as I can be are carrying me though a difficult time in my life. Grieving in a group setting did not work for me. It made me aware that we’re all different. In order to survive I had to follow a course that made me feel better–not worse.

  95. my mother lost my father 3 weeks ago.she really needs and friends are help too support my poor mother i feel so bad for her.she has so much to deal with at this sasd time.i would like more information to help my mum like counselling helplines.she has been such a loving and devoted wife to my dad.i know my dad would be so proud of mum,she has so much to deal with.i would really like help and support for my mum.i love her soo much i feel so sorry for her..we all miss my dad soo soo much.words can not describe our pain and upset on my dads u forever dad miss u xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  96. My husband was a hard worker and this July he was so excited to finally be getting some time off work and take a much needed vacation to North Carolina to visit our daughter and spend some time at the beach. Well we did that. It was great until july 20, 2012. the night before we were to come home. As he was driving us back from a nice day shopping and a nice dinner, he told me his shoulder hurt, he had just got the words out of his mouth when he slummped over and died. I am waiting for the autopsy report. It had to be a blood clot or something that caused an otherwise healty 47 year old man to just drop dead. We got him back to Ohio and had his funeral on July 27 2012, the day before our 23 wedding anniversary. I am broken, devastated at this horrific sudden death. my kids are in shock as they are just beginning to find their own way in the world. My husband and I were cheated of the 2nd part of our lives together. our kids are pretty well grown and on their own. We had so many plans for our future together. The pain is swallowing me. Where do I go from here.

  97. dear laurie thanks for the article you wrote me. i have since tried to move out of the mode i was in. i stated to talk to people on the web, at first it seemed like fun but later if proved to be dreadful. there is a bunch of losers in the chat rooms, probably worse off than me. so i am making a new plan for august. i haven’t seen the dentist so i am going on the first of aug and then i will treat myself to red lobster, its around the cor. and then on the 4th i am invited to a big party with 300 people. its a sports event. then i am going to take pictures with my new adopted grandson. yes i am a grandmother and on the 2nd of aug. i will join a really kewl gym with a glass enclosure of the park, and then at 8 am i will take myself out to breakfast. there is a little store around the cor where men and women get together and chat. it was fun doing that. so at least its a start in a good direction and i will be doing that for 3 months. then if that don’t put me in a better place then i will be joining grief support groups in the area. last nite i went to see a movie called the incuribles it was so awesome. best thing is i am now moving alot more and getting out more and meeting people who actually have been divorced or widowed for 8 to 9 years. they tell me that you will see that you don’t really need a man. i hope it just gets better for me so at least its tolerable. i wrote this for all who are suffering and do not see a light, but there definitely is one. you just have to dig really hard. thanks

  98. When you lose your husband, the pain seems like it’ll never go away. But, this is one time that it’s a blessing that time goes by so fast!

    Before you know it, a year will pass and you will start to notice your own healing. You will start to rebuild your strength and happiness, and you will be surprised at your own resilience and health.

    Please feel free to share your stories of loss and healing – because it doesn’t just help you, it helps everyone reading.

  99. claire mckendrick

    I sadly lost my husband 6 weeks ago. He was diagnosed with Parkinsons January 2008 and then in November 2010 was diagnosed with Colon Cancer. The week before Christmas 2010 a CT scan showed it had spread to his liver. In January 2011 he underwent surgery to have part of his bowel removed and then went on to have Chemo. For 18 months i stayed away from my job to be a full time carer and watch my darling husband fade away. He wanted to stay at home to die and i am so glad that i could fulfill his wish. He died at home with me on Friday 11th May. Everyday hurts, i am trying to keep busy just to help ease my pain – i wish i could fast forward my life a year in the hope that the pain i feel now won’t be so raw.

  100. My name is Mary Stines my husband Daryl died on april 30 six weeks ago he died suddenly in our drivway while i was at work he was working on my car. It has been the darkest six weeks of my life i feel it is easier to give up then to go on. I just returned to work this week on june 11. We were married for forty three years i have a wonderful family some family members even came from Dublin Ireland where i was from to support me. My biggest problem is that terrible weight on my chest no matter what i do i cannot get rid of it. I dont sleep i cant eat i am on antidepressents, everyone says it takes time i wish it was five years from now.

  101. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear June,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I’m so sorry for your loss – it sounds like you’re still in shock. I hope your heart heals quicker than you think, and that you’re able to find people to lean on for support.

    I wrote this article for you:

    Starting Over in Your 60s – After Your Husband Dies

    I hope it helps, and I wish you peace and faith that surpasses all understanding.


  102. since my husband has died i feel very incomplete. i was with him for 30 years and we did everything together. i feel like i lost my idenity. it’s not like i haven’t tried to feel good but it just doesn’t feel right. starting over again in your 60’s is something i never thought would happen to me. i really feel so alone. my husband did everything for me and now i have the responsibility of runnig it all. when you really don’t know how, it seems impossible. i miss him alot. i hope all of your lives get better.

  103. It may be too early for me to write this but I need to talk about my husband who died April 9, 2012.
    Charlie was diagnosed with Alpha 1 Antitrypsin Defficiency in 1997. It affected his lungs and his breathing got worse and worse. He was slowly becoming housebound and I started staying home from work more and more to care for him. We have no children and it has always been just the two of us. We became even closer as he got sicker. I probably would have lost him in 2003 but he was lucky enough to receive a single lung transplant. The miracle gave us a life again. While he was still not able to work, I went back to running my business. We still did everything together. 5 years survival is long for a lung transplant patient and we were well into our 8th year. He was still doing well except that his breathing was getting a little worse. As I approached 66 we decided I should sell or close my business and retire. Friends and customers asked if we were going to travel. Our simple wish was to do a few things around our farm place together. We were two weeks into an 8 week retirement sale when Charlie fell from a tractor and broke his wrist. The open break or something in the surgery managed to cause a terrible pneumonia in his good lung.Because of antirejection drugs he had no immunity. After intubation, things went from bad to worse. we couldn’t get him off the ventilator and everything else started failing.He was on full time dialysis. He suffered horribly for almost a month in ICU. Because of the ventilator he could not speak. He could not use his right arm to write and his left was so full of lines we could barely communicate. I couldn’t bear to leave him so my brother came from out of state to help me take a few breaks for sleep. Close to the end he needed a surgery which he couldn’t survive. I had to make the decision not to resesitate. His mind had failed too. He was kept out of pain and removed from the ventilator. He died peacefully 30 hours later with me holding on to him.

    Even though in my mind I know I did the only thing I could for him, in my heart I keep questioning whether we should have kept trying for a little longer. I suppose it’s because I can’t see how I am going to live without him. We’re just finishing up the retirement sale. On my calendar for that last day at the shop I had written “celebrate!” and I now I can see no reason to ever celebrate again.

  104. i lost my husband to prostate cancer, he was 59 years of age. it was a 30 year relationship. he died feb 21, 2012 and everyday seems to be so hard, i feel like im a living dead person. i have gone to bereivement classes which only seemed to make me feel worse. i just wish it never happened. i have tried to do all types of things to make things better but i only feel worse. the worst part of this is i amtotally afraid of being alone. i secretly want another partner but i was a caregiver for years and i am so tired. i am really confused. i know i need more help but can’t seem to find it. i feel so lost, so alone and so hurt.

  105. Hi,
    I am a widower seeking friendship but can’t find anywhere in my area that could help me. I’ve looked at dating sites but a little bit wary about them. Could you advise?

  106. November the 26th 2011 is the day that has instantly changed my life! This past Saturday morning my boyfriend kissed me on the forehead as i slept in, he was leaving to go hunting behind the house with his oldest son and his brother. He asked me to go to the store when i woke up for a few items. At 7:59 am he sent me a picture message of his deer he shot and his son also got one. I left for the store at 8:25 am. While i was gone they drug their deers to the edge of the field behind our house. I accidentally left my phone in the car. When I got back to my car at 9 am I realized I had missed about 20 phone calls from the last 15 min. I called back. His youngest daughter told me to come home something was wrong. I called 911 and try to find out where they where taking him and they said no where to go to my home. At that moment I knew something terrible had happened. I raced back to the house with the dispatchers on the phone the whole time. I pulled up and he was gone. At the bottom of our back yard his lifeless body laid under a white sheet. I miss him so much already! I still don’t understand or believe it! We were suppose to get married soon and have children together. Im lost! I buried my love yesterday. I feel crushed and lifeless! I watched them close his casket and I will never see his body or touch him again. I want him back! I want him back! I don’t understand why a good hearted loving man with a hugh family and many friends and loved ones had to die so young (42 yrs old) while rapist and murderers live. Why couldn’t have been someone else!

  107. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Sheila,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s actions — that’s scary, and I’m so glad you survived!

    It sounds like the shock and disbelief has worn off, and you’re feeling the emotional pain of not just losing your husband, but what he did to you.

    Please call a distress line, or talk to a counselor. You’re not going through the “normal” grieving that widows do…yours is much more intense and serious. You need guidance and support, which your family and friends may not be able to provide.

    Please call someone for help, for in person help. Let me know how you’re doing now…


  108. I lost my husband Aug.09 he shot me twice and then shot himself. I was in ICU for 5 weeks,did not get to go to his services he was cremated. I have spent the last year traveling and staying on the go. But all of a sudden I don’t have what it takes. I haven’t had a good night sleep since this happen but now I don’t even want to get out of bed if I do I just lay around in my pjs and I cry all the time about eveything. I don’t have anyone to talk to my family don’t understand nor do I, why it has hit me so hard all of a sudden. I’m just looking for suggestion and any help I can find.

  109. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Rose,

    Thank you for taking the time to comment.

    I wish you all the best in your relationship with this widower. It sounds like he’s having a really difficult time moving on, which is understandable after 50 years of marriage!


  110. I am dating a widower who lost his wife 16 months ago. They had been together almost fifty years. I have encouraged him to talk about her as I felt that it was important for him to do so. She was a very strong part of his history and therefore what he would discuss in holding up his end of a conversation. We are quite close and yet I have been having difficulty lately as he carries her picture as his wallpaper on his telephone. He also still wears his wedding band.

    Your comments and notes above have been most helpful in getting my mind around what is going on with him. I believe that he is so worth it, that I will wait for him to decide when to change the location of these strong reminders of the past.

  111. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Violet,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your husband, and how awful it was for you and him.

    I urge you to find a support group for grieving widows and widowers — and in-person group that meets regularly. You’re not alone; there are so many sad widows and widowers who are broken hearted. Being together can make you feel better, and less alone. It won’t bring your husband back, but at least you’ll find comfort by not being alone.

    Please find an in-person support group. Will you do that?


  112. at the age of 66 my husband of 48 years suffered horrendous pain due to bone cancer spread from colon,nine months i watched him slip away and was beside myself,,he was buried on christmas eve 2007 and so many family and friends did not come because it would ruin their christmas eve,what about me and my grown children,i am in such a bad state of mind yet i cry day and night and pray not to wake up,I have no friends since my husband was all i needed and i was all he wanted,so much in love .knowing someone 50 years and being alone without a soul to talk to or smile ,i just sit and stare at his picture on the wall day and night till it is time to go to bed and cry myself to sleep,am so alone I wish the lord would call me to end this pain and suffering,it is like ripping my heart out everyday,i dont know what to do and it scares me,I am 70years old ,some say still young but a broken hearted woman

  113. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Jack,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your wife…and yes, you ARE grieving the loss of your wife as she was when you met, and throughout your marriage.

    Losing a spouse slowly, like you are, can be more painful than a sudden death.

    But, it’s great that you’ve found ways to alleviate your pain and stress. It’s so important to take care of yourself by keeping up with your hobbies, and finding things that make you feel better.

    I encourage you to join a support group for widowers and widows, even though your wife is still with you. You’ll find comfort and understanding there, and it may make it easier when you make the final decision to say good-bye.

    I wish you all the best, and welcome you back anytime.

    .-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post blog ..Help Sticking to Your Budget – 5 Steps to Achieving Financial Freedom =-.

  114. A month ago, my wife and I were fine. She’s been on disability for 5 years, but I mean, we got her a motorized chair, we went out, we shopped, we got up every morning and I fixed the coffee and she was my best of best friends, my lover, my companion through thick and then. We’ve lived here since early in our marriage which was 27 years, 9 months ago. We still loved each other deeply. She’s had this sleep apnea. Suddenly, she was falling all the time. She finally lost control of her legs. I got her admitted to the hospital, she had a blood electrolyte imbalance. I didn’t realize how serious it was. They transferred her for testing to Sugar Land, Texas. About 3 days there, I get home from visiting her, I get a call that she’s in serious condition. I’d just talked to her and her nurse had said he didn’t think she needed to be in ICU. She had a respiratory arrest and they didn’t get her tracheotomy done before she had brain damage. They wanted me to sign a DNR, to let her go, but they said she’s not brain dead. But, she was getting loopy with the lack of O2 and CO2 buildup in her blood. I fear her conscious mind may be damaged. She will open her eyes, responds to my voice, then at other times she won’t. Sometimes she moves her mouth as if trying to speak. The case manager tells me that’s all reflex. I don’t know, I’m losing hope, but I’m having her put in an intensive care hospice in Lubbock, the nearest they could find for her in her condition, and will not be able to visit her there very often, it being 600 miles away.

    No, she’s still breathing, on a ventilator, but I fear I’ve lost her and that I will eventually have to sign those DNR papers. I’ve been losing my mind, fits of emotion, lack of sleep, I walk around the house, I lack the desire to do anything. Everything I see reminds me of her. I don’t know if I’ll ever enjoy life again. I don’t like being alone. I want her back, but I know I can’t have her back.

    So, I figure to give her a couple of years, then consider the situation. Her endocrine system and her renal system are functioning fine. If that starts to go, then I’ll have to evaluate the situation. Meantime, I’m losing hope. I pray for her, I pray for God to take me, too. I just want to be with her. I’ve got no reason to exist without her.

    She’s not gone, yet, not physically, but I’m just losing hope that she’ll be able to recover. I don’t know that there’s enough left of her. I don’t want her to suffer, but if there’s any hope at all, I don’t want to sign those papers and in effect, kill her. I find that only staying busy keeps me from thinking too much. I have hobbies, I am retired at 58, but I repair small engines and lawn equipment in my shop and have a part time job two days a week, for 3 hours. I don’t dare go fishing. Too much time to think when you’re fishing. Hunting season is over. Riding my motorcycle even gives me too much time to think.

    Last few days, the fits of emotion have receded a little. I still think of her, but don’t break down as much. I’m still miserable. I do NOT want to have to make the decision to unplug that machine and let her pass. I just cannot do that at this time. What if God does give us a miracle? What if I’d have not let her have the chance? I know it’s slim. but while the case manager assured me the docs all think she’s gone, they wouldn’t tell me to my face that she had no chance.

    I’m not yet, I don’t think, technically a widower, though I feel like one. So, sorry if I’m breaking any rules of the site or something. I am on various BBSs pertaining to my hobbies and am receiving support and talking about it helps a little. Maybe the loneliness will recede eventually, maybe not. Chatting on line seems to help and chatting about hobbies seems to get my mind off it, however temporary. At lest it lets my eyes quit hurting.

    I kept my grand-baby tonight while my daughter went to church. Her husband is in San Antonio doing pre-deployment training, national guard. Even my grand-daughter seems to be pulling away from me now days without grandma around. I play with her, but it’s not the same. I guess, life just sucks.

  115. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Jo,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your experience…that’s very heartbreaking and sad. I’m not a widow (or widower, for that matter!), and I’m not grieving the loss of my spouse. But, I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss.


  116. My husband of 48 years committed suicide four months ago. He was always a physiclly active indivual who put high value on his health and fitness. When he began a very rapid physical decline- weight loss and neurological symptoms for which he as ungoing tests, which had all been negative up to the time of his suicide- he convinced himself that what he had was not only progressive, but irreversible. He could not face a future with such a diminshed quality of life. I found his body.
    I have been seeing a psychiatrist who has experience with complicated grief and it is helping. He has helped me put the guilt and resentment in perspective and I actually no longer have those feelings. I am now working on the feelings of hopelessness for the future and have a long way to go. Sleepnessless is still an issue. However, I have found that recently I have resorted m*******tion at bedtime as a coping mechanism which makes me feel better and sleep better, but I am reluctant to discuss with him ( I am from an older generation – I am 71 years old.) It seems harmless enough – non-one else is involved and it does not seem destructive. Has anyone else going through grief recovery from suicide found this to be helpful?

  117. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Barbara,

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’re still grieving your husband, and that he passed on 9/11. That’s heartbreaking…and not something anyone can easily get over.

    It sounds like your new husband loves you very much; you’re a lucky woman to have found all that love in one lifetime! He cares for you and wants you to be happy…and you’re an insightful, self-aware woman to recognize that you may not want to be happy, deep down.

    I encourage you to talk to a grief counselor about how to mourn your lost husband, and how to be happy in your remarriage. You CAN resolve your grief and learn to enjoy this stage of life…but I think you need support that your husband, friends, or family can’t give you.

    Please call a therapist or psychologist, and start taking care of yourself and your marriage! Let me know how it goes…

    I wish you all the best.


  118. I’m still grieving my husband that passed on 9/11. I’m remarried to a wonderful man, but I don’t think I allowed myself to grieve my first husband properly, well I know I didnt, because it would just hurt too much. Now its affecting my marriage and my husband always says things like do you love me as much as him, etc. Its frustrating and I’m depressed. I’ve made so many poor choices because I think deep down I didnt deserve to be happy. And I’ve tried talking to him, but I think he just wants a happy wife because he treats me so well. I try to tell him its not about him, its just something I cant help. What do I do. Its made me angry toward my now husband and resentful. Why cant I just have my own feelings?

  119. my relationship, 9 months with a widower i adored, even loved. he loved me, he didn’t, he could, he couldn’t. i will. i won’t. i’m so patient, loving, accepting. but finally, i felt like i was in a threesome. like i wasn’t deserving of love. only she could get that.

    he would decline invitations, blame it on his kids, etc. and one day said he wasn’t treating me well bec. he realized, with his therapist, that being in a loving and committed relationship would me he was accepting her death, and he didn’t want to give up her ghost. i said she is gone, and whether or not he is with me or home watching t.v., she is gone. i always accepted their love, but i am a person, and i have to be treated well, or else i will be gone, too.

    about a minute later i got a bad feeling in my stomach, and I wrote to him, and said:

    “i’ll make it easier for you. you can have the ghost. i’m gone.”
    it was almost a painful relief. i don’t want to be made to feel unworthy. so, if you are in a relationship with a widow, or widower, and it is not about YOU….i think that means it’s time to move on.
    boo hoo. and i thought he was special. he is. but not now, or not for me.

  120. Hmmm…interesting. Do you even want to be in this relationship, Anna? You’ve asked twice if you should stay, and I wonder if you’re looking for a reason to leave.

    Ask yourself the question you’ve asked here: do YOU think you should stay in this relationship? And, if you think you should leave, are you leaving for the right reasons? (The wrong reason to leave is that you’re scared, or hiding from something, or are motivated by other unhealthy reasons).

    It’s okay to leave a relationship that isn’t working for you. It’ll hurt you, and it’ll hurt other people…but it’s OKAY.

    I like what Kathleen said about talking about your feelings. I’d explain how I feel about his not coming back when I wanted, and how I felt about the bracelet. Maybe he is fixated on his wife in an unhealthy way — I don’t know.

    Are you being controlling? There’s a fine line between expressing your wishes to other people (having his wife’s perfume in the bathroom makes you uncomfortable)versus wanting them to do what you want (he should put the perfume away, he should come back when you want).

    Please don’t take offense to anything I’m saying — and I’m not saying you ARE controlling. I’m just pointing out what I’m seeing. I could be totally off base.

    In your previous comment, you mentioned praying to our Lord for guidance. Maybe you could sit down with your pastor, reverend, or Father and talk this through. If not a pastor, a couples counselor might also be helpful. Getting an objective perspective would help both you and your sweetheart see where things are going off the rails.

    What do you think?


  121. Hello Anna Marie,

    I can certainly understand your concerns.

    Do the children live with you? How old is his son? How is your relationship with the children?

    Is it possible that, as he has tried to fill the void in his children’s lives for seven years, he is determined to continue with that? The children may have a very strong need to hold on to the one parent they have, and he cannot or will not say no to them.

    I’m a true believer in open communication. Could you ask him (carefully) about the decisions he made and decide together how such a situation would be handled in the future?

    With regard to the bracelet, is it possible that as it’s for A Race for the Cure he made a contribution to the cause in memory of his wife, but also as a hope that the cure will be found and you will be well?

    I know that I’ve offered more questions than answers, but sometimes when we’re in the middle of a dilemna we need to sit back and consider all aspects of the situation.

    I wish you well, and hope this is helpful to you.


  122. Laurie,

    Just this past weekend, my boyfriend just dropped all of our plans for the 4th of July to go to Dallas to pick up his children because his 13 year old daughter did not want to fly back by herself. I understand that she was scared and he needed to go pick her up but why did he not come back on Friday morning? He left Thursday of last week and just got back on Sunday. I asked him to please come back on Friday so we can spend the 4th of July together and he said he couldn’t because his children wanted to stay in Dallas to go to the Rain Forest on Sunday for his son’s Birthday Lunch.
    Yesterday, when I saw him for breakfast, he gave me a silver braclet with a Race for the Cure Ribbon on it. He said it reminded him of me. His wife died of Breast Cancer 7 years ago. When he gave it to me I said Thank you and told him it was beautiful! What else could I say? Inside it made me feel so sad that he would buy me something that reminded him of his wife. I do not have breast cancer and I am not a survivor! What should I do? Do I continue to stay in this relationship and continue to feel second? He says he loves me but it is hard for me to believe.

  123. I’m glad we could help, Anna Marie!

    Grieving as a widow or widower is definitely complicated when children are involved — but it sounds like you have a great relationhip with his kids. The conversation you had with his daughter sounds healthy and honest.

    I don’t think the perfume in the bathroom will hold your relationship back — unless you let it. For them, it’s been there for so long, they probably don’t even notice it anymore! But the perfume represents something different to you, which is affecting your relationships.

    It’s only been 6 months….building strong, connected relationships takes time and sharing experiences together. And, if you do end up in a more serious relationship (getting married or living together), you might want to consider them moving out of that house, so you can all start fresh in a new place together. This may be jumping the gun, though!

    Good luck and stay in touch,

  124. Kathleen and Laurie

    Thank you so much for your suggestions! I do have children of my own and they have grown attached to him as well as I have. I am trying to work on the relationship I have with his children. I know it is very difficult for them to trust anyone to come into their lives. Yes, I am the first woman whom he has brought around his children and I have been the only person who has had a meaningful relationship with him and his children. At first his children were stand offish towards me. His 13 year old daughter saw me as a threat to her, she felt I was going to take all of her Daddy’s love away from her. I had a conversation with her and told her I would be a friend to her if she ever needed anyone to talk to. I would never try to replace her mother nor would I ever try to take her fathers love away from her. I told her I knew how much her father meant to her. Ever since we had this conversation she has opened up to me even more than ever. They are wonderful children! His resoning for having her perfume in his bathroom is because his daughter does not want to take it out of his bathroom. I told him to encourage her to put it her room or bathroom. To be honest with you it did not affect me at first, but now it is beginning to bother me because I feel it will hold our relationship back. I do not know? I will just take day by day and pray to Lord for his guidance.
    Thank you!

  125. Kathleen’s right: there is so much to consider!

    I don’t think there is any “normal” when you’re dating a widower. Everyone deals with grief differently — and I wouldn’t recommend that you stop seeing him so quickly! The stuff he has around is less important than how well you get along, how you feel about him, and your relationship with his kids (and his with yours, if you have children).

    My experience was similar: my husband had items left over from his previous relationship — and they bugged the heck out of me! (He wasn’t a widower, though). Furniture, dishes, books….he never got rid of them. I thought it was because he didn’t want to let go of the past, but I was wrong. He just didn’t bother to replace them with new stuff.

    I agree with Kathleen, that it’d be good to talk to him about it. Is he holding on to those items for a reason? And of course, he’ll always have some pictures of her around…just not all over the place, I hope!

    Also — are you the first person he’s dated since his wife passed away? That might matter. Perhaps he just hasn’t bothered to put her stuff away because there was no reason to…and he doesn’t realize that it affects you. You need to talk to him about that.

    I hope this helps, and I’m curious what you think about our suggestions!

    Best wishes,

  126. Hello Anna,

    There is so much to consider in your situation. How is your relationship with the children? Is he ‘holding on’ because of their feelings, or his own? Perhaps it just hasn’t occurred to him that it’s OK to make changes.

    I believe that open communication is extremely important in relationships. Perhaps, in a neutral location (not his home), when you believe that it’s appropriate, you could carefully approach the subject and talk it out with him.

    I hope this is helpful.


  127. I have been dating a wonderful man for 6 months now. He has two beautiful children who lost their mother at the age of one and six years of age. It has been seven years since she has passed. He still continues to have her perfumes in their bathroom and pictures all over his house and office. Is this normal? Should I stay around?