Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of an Abusive Man

There are no simple answers to the “Why does he do that?” question, but here are some insights into abusive men and why they abuse. I also included links to articles about why women stay with abusers.

why does he do that inside mind of abusive manI’m getting my Master of Social Work (MSW) at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, and have encountered one of the most abusive men I’ve ever met. What shocks me is how open and honest he is about his abusive behavior. He doesn’t give a rip how his words and actions affect his wife. In fact, he wants her to leave him – which is probably partly why he’s so emotionally abusive. Why does he do that?

This article is for her – and for all women wondering why abusive men act the way they do. These examples of abusive behavior are to help wives see their relationships more clearly, and to show them they’re not alone.






“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” – Harvey Fierstein. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. But do it we will!

At the end of this article is a link to the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It’ll help you get inside the minds of abusive men, which will help you see your relationship – and yourself – more clearly.

Examples of Abusive Behavior

You probably didn’t find this article by searching for “examples of abusive behavior”, but that’s how I’m starting this article. Before we delve into why he does that, let’s define what the “that” is.

Emotional abuse isn’t always direct criticism or being mean

Often, verbal and emotional abuse is more insidious and difficult to pinpoint. That’s why abusive men are often in long-term relationships with women – their abuse isn’t obvious! Why does he do that? Because he’s slick and unhealthy.

Blaming

“You make me say these things. It’s not my fault you push me this far. You’re crazy and stupid!” or “You’re upbringing has made you frigid and useless in bed. I’ve been with so many women and I thought they were bad, but you’re the worst. You’re boring and not a turn-on.”

Emotional manipulation

“You’re imagining things – I never said that!” or “Baby, you misunderstood me. I meant I LOVE it when you haven’t showered in two days. Your smell makes realize how different you are from other women.” Or “You’re too sensitive.”

Passive aggressive comments

“Whatever, I’m not mad, I don’t care” or “I’m not trying to be mean, but you look ugly in that hairstyle.” Abusive men can be passive aggressive when they’re reluctant to engage in conflict or confrontation, but have negative feelings. If you’re not sure you’re with an abusive man, read Signs of an Abusive Relationship – and How to Survive.

There is hope for you if you’re in an abusive or controlling relationship! Here’s what one reader commented:

“I just got out of my abusive relationship and I feel relieved to not have to put up with the emotional and physical abuse anymore,” says Sara on Why Does Love Hurt? “This is the beginning of a new start. A new start to think about me and do the things that make me happy. The best advice for women who are abused get out when he is sleeping, away, and slip a note to someone to let them know what is going on. Men who abuse women hate women and they will never change.”

Sara encourages women not to stick around in abusive relationships, because change never happens. The abuse will never stop – it will escalate until you eventually get hurt really, really bad. Get out while you can.

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of an Abusive Man

The reasons men abuse are varied and complex. There’s never one single reason; it’s a combination of past experiences, personality, coping mechanisms, and even the current culture. For example, in some families or communities it’s acceptable to emotionally abuse women by talking down to them, calling them names, ignoring them, or bullying them.


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Here are some answers to the “why does he do that?” question:

Victim identity

“Blamers can be dangerous to love because they usually suffer from victim identity,” writes Steven Stosny in Are You Dating an Abuser? “Feeling like victims, they see themselves as justified in whatever retaliation they enact and whatever compensation they take. Blamers will certainly cause pain for you if you come to love one.”

Narcissism

Here’s an excellent explanation of narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder on Jen Mawter’s blog, from Narcissistic Victim Syndrome:

Why Does He Do That

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of an Abusive Man

“A person with NPD has an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for attention and admiration, and a strong sense of entitlement. They believe they are superior and have little regard for the feelings of others….The narcissist views people as objects which can feed their needs… Narcissistic abuse is insidious because the abuse is covert, cunning and indirect.

Narcissists go to great pains to avoid being observed publicly as being abusive. The Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde behaviour creates fear, distress, confusion, inner turmoil, and chaos for the victim. The constant ‘walking on eggshells’ and attempting to avoid further conflict can be crippling. To complicate matters a narcissist is rarely medically diagnosed and often goes undetected in society (home, work, organisations, and social settings).”

Ownership or entitlement

Abusive men may feel justified in the abusive behavior because they have a sense of entitlement or ownership over their partners.

Never allow yourself to be bullied into silence. You are stronger than you think, smarter than you imagine, and more loved than you know.

Bottled up pain, anger, resentment

Disconnection from their true feelings is my personal favorite answer to the “why does he do that?” question. I believe that abusive men are not in touch with their emotions, have not processed past pain or experiences, and aren’t connected to their partners in meaningful ways. Of course, every abusive man may have a different answer or reason to act the way he does…the trick is uncovering and dealing with that reason.

If you’re in an abusive relationship…

Reach out for support! Get help. You deserve better.

why does he do thatRead Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. This book offers women guidelines on how to improve and survive an abusive relationship. Why Does He Do That? also discusses various types of abusive men, analyses societal myths surrounding abuse, and answers questions about the warning signs of abuse.

If you’re in a relationship with an abusive man, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. I welcome your stories and experiences below, but I can’t offer the help or support you need. Please call them for support and guidance, and more insight into the minds of abusive men.

Leaving an abusive man isn’t a one-time event. It’s actually a progression of events and feelings. Read How to Leave an Abusive Relationship – 5 Stages of Abuse to learn more.

I welcome your comments on abuse in relationships below – and the “why does he do that?” question below. I can’t offer counseling or relationship advice, but it may help you to share your experience.

My prayer for all women in abusive relationships is for hope and healing, help and faith, strength and wisdom. May you find the strength you need to get past the “why does he do that” question, and start rebuilding your life and confidence.

xo

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What's going on in your life? Tell me below!
I don't give advice, but writing can bring healing to your spirit and soul.
Take heart, keep the faith, have courage ... Laurie

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8 Responses

  1. Sue says:

    I wasted a lot of time with my x ! Alaways wondering what happened and why ? I owned my own house made good money had freinds. Then the trickery started ! We worked on his house and mine and then one day he said why dont we put both are houses up for sale which ever one goes first will live in the other one till we find one we like together and buy it. Well mine sold first. Which was nicer. So he took his for sale sign down. And then my job dried up and i became dependent on him. I could only find part time work. Then my life became a living nightmare. It was horrable ! I finally had enough i had him arrested for hitting me and i dont regret it. Walked out the door without a dime to my name. Went to a shelter which was no picnic. Found a full time job have my own home again. Its been 6 yrs ive been away from him. And it still makes me sick to think what i went threw. I didnt know who i was. I had changed so much. People couldnt beleivr what i put up with. Do not stay with anyone that mistreats you or they will drain u of who u are emotionaly physically and finacially. No one is worth that. It isnt gonna be easy and it will take a long time to get back to who u are. But everytime u complain to someone and not do anything about it u will for sure run out of freinds then it will be strangers. Until u realize your the one that can only change the situation. Keep emergency money and take that exit out !!!

  2. Tayla says:

    I just left my abusive partner and I’m so relieved! We were together for 2 years and have a 9month baby together. Over the course of our relationship including during my pregnancy, he has blamed me for all his violent outbursts, told me to f*** off when I stand up for myself, yelled at me in my face and blocked doorways so that I couldn’t leave, tried to take my phone from me, installed gps trackers on my phone, deleted people who he thinks I shouldn’t be friends with, threatened suicide, threatened to take our baby out of the country so that I will never see her again, accused me of coming on to every single guy I speak to and so much more sh1tty behavior. My advice to anyone in a bad relationship like this is to get out ASAP and make sure you have a good support network. Life is too short to deal with petty, immature losers.

  3. Victoria says:

    I was married to a man for 10 years and should have left 3 months into first dating him. Our relationship was very rocky from the beginning and he truly was “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”‘especially when drugs and alcohol were involved. Over the course of 10 years, he was arrested for domestic violence, was given a restraining order, and Child Protective Services got involved. Men like this don’t change and you can’t help them change. They will continue to do this and you have to realize it’s not your fault. He definitely has NPD. He always wanted attention and craved it. He loves drama and nothing was ever his fault. He blamed others for his shortcomings. The sad thing about all this is that I am a successful, independent, smart woman and we have kids together. I never imagined this would happen to me, especially since I come
    from a loving and close-knit family. My advice if you are in this relationship is to get out and save yourself. You are the only person that can love yourself. Today, I’m in a healthy relationship with a man that truly loves and respects me. No one deserves to be abused and there are men out there that will treat you with love and respect.

  4. Ray says:

    I’m in an abusive relationship, let me tell u it ain’t no laughing matter. Super jealous, very needy, always reading any paperwork I have laying around, gets mad if I even say hi to a stranger walking by who says goodmorning to us. Quick thinker ,blames me for all kinds of shit as the reason why he had to do this or that to me.i don’t really hang out with my friends but when I do, he’s calling texting totally ruining my free time out. My friends just stare at me and say that they understand if I have to go cause they notice what I’m dealing with or what I will deal with once I go back home. I broke up with him tonight and he’s already stalking me and making stupid threats but I am in a safe place and won’t even think about going anywhere alone with him. So in case you are going thru the same b.s just always be somewhere public cause you hear on the news al these crimes of passion and just wonder why would you be the exception of not being on the news!? I’m sure those women and or men didn’t think that they would be badly hurt or even murdered.!!!! An abuser has no self control over their emotions and that’s a bad thing cause they are what they call “firecrackers”. You know they are going to go off but to what extent? Be safe and good luck out there.

  5. Lisa says:

    That sounds like my sons father. He gets enraged over the smallest things and can argue for hours. He lies and cheats and then gets mad if I ask him anything. I’m so sick of the mind games and the shouting matches. When he gets upset, he has to be in my face blocking me so I cant leave the room.

  6. Clare says:

    Mashlya, get out while you can!!! I stayed with a bad abuser for 3 years and it was hell. You can do better, you don’t need him. Don’t worry about why he abuses, just leave him.

  7. Mashayla says:

    My husband is very abusive he’s always putting me down telling me to shut up, he says he doesnt care about the way i feel and calls me names tells me he doesn’t need me in anyway and basically says that all I give to him which is everything!!

    I don’t know why he does that but I love this man with all of my heart but I’m tired of feeling like I’m the one that always starts our fights and makes the problems that we have when it’s actually him I could say the sky is purple and he would start screaming at me. I have no other family except for him and feel very lost at times.

    • Ray says:

      Just want to say I can relate to you. They get so mean at times you wonder why u ever got with this person in the first place. Yet we are still there taking all the b.s. and no hopes of it ever getting better. I wonder if they feel better about themselves after? I think they have evilness in them and are jealous of us women making it in the real world cause this isn’t a real life we are living. Does drugs or alcohol play a factor in it? They day that 70℅ or not do. What a trip huh.

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