What to Say When Your Boyfriend Asks to Borrow Money

Should you lend money to your boyfriend? It depends. Here are five things to think about when your boyfriend asks for money and you aren’t sure if you should lend it to him.

These tips are inspired by a reader, who says: “My 65 year old boyfriend is preparing to retire. Part of his preparation will be filing for bankruptcy and walking away from his home/mortgage,” says B. on Signs It’s Not Smart to Loan Money to Someone You’re Close to.

“He owns a really nice motorcycle that we both enjoy. He has asked me to buy his bike in order to protect it from the bankruptcy. This purchase would equate to me paying him $10,000 and him then making payments of $250 a month. We have know each other for about eight months and I like him a lot, but this request has made me uncomfortable.”







I absolutely think she should trust her gut and keep her money safe and sound! Here are a few tips for girlfriends in the same situation…

What to Do When Your Boyfriend Asks for Money…

In most causes, I think girlfriends should always say no when their boyfriends ask to borrow money – especially when the boyfriend is financially bankrupt or has a bad credit rating! He does not know how to manage his money.

His financial mismanagement does not mean he’s a bad person or that you should stop dating him. But, it does mean that you should keep your finances separate from his. Even if you get married, you need to make sure you are financially independent and that you retain your own good credit rating.

Despite my solid gold advice, many girlfriends will say yes when their boyfriends ask to borrow money. These tips are for them…

Make sure you’re not in debt and can afford to lend the money

Here’s why B.’s boyfriend asked to borrow money, and her financial situation:

“He is a very generous person, but he is not good with money as evidenced by his need to file for bankruptcy at this stage of the game. I’m retired and on a fixed income, this is a lot of money for me. I currently carry $11,000 in debt that I am currently trying very hard to pay down. I also have a savings account with about $1,200 in it at present. Though I do have stock I could sell if need be, I don’t feel that is very wise of me to sell it at this time.”

Girlfriends, you should never, ever loan money to your boyfriends when you’re already in debt!

Do not put your financial future at risk because your boyfriend can’t manage his money. You can love him with all your heart, but keep your money in your savings account, stocks, and retirement investments.

Separate business from pleasure – because a financial loan is business

“My problem is that I think the world of him, but his mismanagement of his own money make me very uncomfortable in trusting his ability to repay me. Do I go with my gut feeling? How would I explain my reasoning to him without hurting our relationship?”



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Yes, you go with your gut feeling. You know it’s not smart to “buy” your boyfriend’s motorcycle and hope he pays it back! It’s not a financial investment – it’s a mistake that you will regret.

Tell him the truth – you can’t afford to lend him money

This is what you say when your gut is telling you to say no when your boyfriend asks to borrow money:

Boyfriend Borrows Money

What to Say When Your Boyfriend Asks to Borrow Money

“I think the world of you and I’m happy in our relationship, but I just can’t afford to lend you money. I’m in debt, I have mortgage payments, I don’t earn much money, and I don’t know what my financial future holds. I wish I could help you, but I don’t have the money you need.”

If you’re worried about saying no to him, read When to End a Relationship. It’ll help you see that saying no and being strong now is way, way smarter than having to chase him to get your money back later.

If you say yes when your boyfriend asks to borrow money, then…

If you lend your boyfriend money – such as buying his motorcycle and getting paid back over a few years – then you need to make a contract and get him to sign it. The contract needs to make the terms of the loan clear: how much money your boyfriend borrows, when and how he’ll pay it back, the interest rate, and the date that all the money should be repaid.

If you need tips on how to draw up a loan contract, let me know in the comments section below.

Do not expect to get your money back from your boyfriend

If anyone asks to borrow money from you – boyfriend or not – the smartest thing for you to do (besides say “no”!) is to let go of the money forever. The reason the person needs to borrow money is likely because he can’t manage his finances. This is a problem that doesn’t disappear overnight.

When you lend money to someone you love, you need to expect never to see it again. That way, your relationship will stay loving and you won’t resent your boyfriend when he gives you excuse after excuse for not repaying the money he borrowed.

If you’re scared to say no to your boyfriend, read How to Stand Up for Yourself in your relationship.

What do you think about these tips for when boyfriends ask girlfriends if they can borrow money? Comments welcome below! I can’t offer advice, but it may help you to share what you’re experiencing. May you learn how to say no without fear if your boyfriend asks to borrow money.






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xo

33 Responses

  1. Esther says:

    Thanks for your advice.I’m a victim.I’m a widow and 5yrs after my husband died,I met a guy who wiped away my tears we dated for two years and he started borrowing money for me.I kept on giving him coz I loved and cared for him.He requested for a huge amount of money saying that he wanted to clear a loan balance he had so that he could secure a huge loan for us to buy a land and later build our house.It sounded a good idea and that was the worst mistake I ever did coz the guy disapeared after a few months.I’m now dating a guy who hv even proposed to me but he has started borrowing money from me I hv given him quite a huge sum of money but again today he ask for a small amount and I kind of woke up from my slumber and said no.I now don’t care whether he break up with me or not but I won’t lend him more money.My fellow women take care coz some guys are gold diggers and they will dig money from you in the name of love.

  2. Laurie says:

    Maria,

    I’m sorry that lending money to your boyfriend destroyed your finances! But that is such an important thing for women to remember when their boyfriends ask to borrow money.

    It may not feel loving to refuse to lend him money, but it could save not only your financial future, but your relationship as well. And, if you say no when he asks to borrow money, you find out what kind of a man he really is. This is an important thing to learn, as soon as possible!

  3. Laurie says:

    Tiyana,

    Thank you for sharing your experience. It is so awkward when a boyfriend asks to borrow money, especially when he’s such a generous guy. But I’m very proud of you! You are a smart woman who knows how to lay down your healthy boundaries. Awesome.

    Know that you are doing the right thing by not lending your boyfriend money. A truly awesome guy will accept your decision and love you no matter what. Just like you love him, even though he’s financially “troubled” right now 🙂

    Here’s another article you might be interested in:

    How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-to-make-a-long-distance-relationship-work/

    All good things,
    Laurie

  4. Tiyana says:

    This is so helpful. I’m going through this right now (like an hour ago) for the first time with my boyfriend, who just relocated back to Chicago for a better job opportunity while I stay in Arizona, for the time being. This article (and my parents’ past advice) is really helping me navigate this sticky situation and giving me the courage to say no but also encourage him to find a solution that won’t put further strain on our already strained (long-distance) relationship.

    I’m not a Christian myself like my parents, but I remember what the Bible teaches about lending and at first considered giving him the requested money as a gift, not expecting to get it back… However, the bottom line was he had displayed generosity by helping someone close to him (his parents, actually) when it jeopardized his own financial security, so I suggested he remedy the situation by recognizing that he wasn’t really IN a situation to give to begin with and should try explaining the situation to his parents and request the money back until he’s returned to a point where he can be more helpful. (His family is Mexican and he says it’s part of their culture for the kids to always help their parents out after the parents have given so much to raising the kids…but I really can’t understand compromising your own financial security to bolster someone else’s.)

    The reason he needs the money back now is because the friend he was rooming with in Chicago said he could stay there rent free for a couple months to get situated while starting his new job, but then the friend lost HIS job then turned around and asked for rent money anyway! (I’d tell him to get the money back from his friend, but then they’d both be homeless, lol.)

    My boyfriend is a very generous person, but he’s also not good at saving money (obviously)–not the greatest combination. I told him this was something he should work on for himself, if we’re to be together in the future because I can’t share my life and finances with someone who is not secure with his own life and finances. (I’m not always an amazing financial saint with my own money, but I at least have an emergency savings of several thousand set aside for stuff like this.)

    He’s seemed to take all of this to heart and was grateful for saying what I’ve said to him, but time will tell… This has been so hard for me to say no to lending him money. I just want to be supportive because he is a really great guy and it’s hard to see someone you love struggle. 🙁 I told him he’s not alone because I got away from my own budget for a while myself before he left, so I guess it’s something we can set specific goals to work on together while being apart.

  5. Laurie says:

    Thank you for sharing your stories here! I hope more women and girls search for ideas on what to do when their boyfriends ask to borrow money – and I pray they learn how to say no.

    Mixing money and relationships is complicated, and it’s really hard to say no to a man you’re in love with. I get it.

    Unfortunately, most of us have to learn the hard way.

  6. Robin bowen says:

    Never ever let a boyfriend borrow money from you, I started dating this guy, he seemed like the nicest guy on earth, loved God, etc. Well I’m out $6,700, and when he realise I wasn’t helping any longer he decided to end it and say he needed to focus more on God, well I didn’t know God had female names who started taking my place, he was nothing but a smooth charmer, can’t wait until Karma bites his ass….

    • Joan says:

      I understand you bc i’m on the same situation. Right now im alone at home, no money at all, and he is drinking and w/ friends. He has no job but bc he’s handsome and nice to all people he can survive always! And im broke. Also always have women around him. There r guys with luck.

  7. Lesego says:

    My Boyfriend and i have been dating for 7 months now, he lost his job in the second month of us dating, he is always asking me for me, and now i am realizing it is becoming a pattern, he recently asked me to take a loan for him , and when i tell him that i don’t have money and i cant get into debt that i cant afford he sulks and says that what kind of a partner am i, and he wonders what kind of a partner will i be in future, he said that this money he is asking to do things for both of us, i feel uncomfortable with this, since he is not financially discipline and i feel he is emotionally abusing me.. i cant do this anymore

  8. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Tell your boyfriend NO, Virginia! It’s a mistake to lend him that much money for a camera (which isn’t even a necessity). You will be on the hook for the money.

    Even if you ask him to sign a promissory note, you’ll still have to follow up and even sue him to get your money back.

    Tell him you like or love him, but you just don’t feel comfortable putting that much money on your credit card. If he gets mad or sulks, then you know that he isn’t a good guy. A boyfriend who loves you and cares about you wouldn’t ask to borrow money unless it was a dire emergency. Even then, a truly good guy would accept a NO with grace and honor.

    This is what to say when your boyfriend asks to borrow money: “I’m sorry I can’t help you, but it just doesn’t feel right to me to put a huge amount of money on my credit card so you can have this toy. I love ya, but I can’t put my money where my love is.”

  9. Virginia says:

    I have been dating a guy for two months. He has “confided” in me about his credit score problems. How his score has been damaged because he has owed money to two cell phone companies and it was transferred to collectors. He is now unaware of whom to pay and where to send his payments to. I was sympathetic and tried to help him reach out to credit karma and figure out what company he needs to call. Besides that, he then decides to ask me about my credit. I told him that it was in good standing. After a few days, he started asking me to purchase a camera for him. He says all I have to do is finance it under my name and he will make the payments biweekly to me so I can send it. He assures me that he will have it paid by six months. the camera is 3,198.00 dollars!! I want to help but yet that is my credit and my name that will be written down for payments. I was thinking of writing a statement where he signs it and assures me that he will pay the amount within 6 months. Is that possible? Or should I just run for while I still can?

  10. Laurie says:

    Don’t give your boyfriend the money, Sabrina! You know that you’ll regret it if you lend him money.

    There is NOTHING wrong with looking out for yourself. Have you ever flown on a plane? If there’s a problem, the stewardesses always says that you need to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. This is a fantastic analogy to real life: we need to be strong, independent, healthy, and happy if we want to serve others well.

    Giving away your money to your boyfriend – no matter what he needs it for – is not taking care of yourself so you can be strong, healthy, and happy. Lending your boyfriend money is weakening yourself, which will weaken your relationship.

    Do what your heart is telling you to do, for your heart is wise!

  11. Sabrina says:

    Thank you. My boyfriend recently asked me if I’d like to be his bank. Literally. He wants to get a truck and needs $6,000 for it. I am currently unemployed and have about $10,000 in my checking at this very moment. I rely on that money so that I have something to fall back on if anything goes wrong. He says he will pay me back, but also mentioned it would take him half a year to make $6,000. It’s got me thinking: What if we don’t last that long? Where does that leave me? Can I survive off $4,000 until I get a job? I hate to think this way, but I need to look out for myself. His family(who I am staying with) I feel like are talking about me, bad mouthing me as “selfish” and whatnot because of it. And I honestly feel like when this is all said and done I’ll be happy I didn’t give him that loan.

  12. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Don’t lend your boyfriend money, even when he asks to borrow it and he says he’s desperate. The reason? It will come between you. Please be strong and assertive, because he will respect you more in the long run. A financial loan should be between people who don’t know each other well — such as a bank and a borrower. Money should never come between a couple in love.

    Tell your boyfriend you just don’t have the money right now. You can’t afford to lend him the money. If he’s upset with you, then he’s shown you that he’s not the boyfriend you thought you had.

  13. Sana says:

    I have been in relation with my boyfriend since 3 years, he lacks focus on studies and is waiting for the big amount of money that he will inherit from his family after a couple years. He also doesn’t earn because the work is either so difficult for him or he is underpaid. Anyways, I have started to earn good from last 3 months and it’s the second time that he has asked for money. He says he will return but he never has. I don’t know what to do, I’m really upset because I am saving money to get a decent place for living or get a car may be and continue my studies. I feel like he is becoming dependent on me, but still what if he does inherits his money and really pay me back and he needs it now because he can’t turn to anyone else for help. I don’t know, please advise. Thank you

    • Maria says:

      I’m in the same situation, my boyfriend wants to borrow money from me. He didn’t study, he drinks a lot, like to party and be w/ friends and he lost his job. I tried to help but it was my mistake. It became usual to give him money. And it destroy my finances and my love for him… never ever try to be a mother to a guy…

  14. Jesamarikpo says:

    Thanks for the advice on what to say if your boyfriend asks to borrow money.

  15. war war says:

    Hello,
    I just want to share my current experience.I have boyfriend and our relationship is only 4 months.
    He asked me to lend money 2000B(Thai Baht) that was the second day that we love.I gave him but he didn’t give me back now.He asked again when we are at 4 months to give money to buy car for him,have to pay deposit money 50000B(US$2000) and pay monthly charge for five years.I feel very uncomfortable and I don’t have to pay my money that i work hard and very tired at the work.I don’t want to pay a lot of money and pay for five years.This is not my car and we are not married yet.I feel that he doesn’t love me.if he really love me ,he will not ask money to me.So I told him yesterday that this is my money and we are only bf and gf,only 4 months.r u love me or my money?if u love me ,don’t ask me about money never.I m not your wife,just girlfriend.So if you want to continue our relationship, don’t ask me never about money and if u feel angry to me,u can leave me.I told like that.Am I right?

  16. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    The difficult truth is that when you tell your boyfriend that you can’t lend him money anymore, he will get angry and frustrated. He’s not gonna be all “Yay!” when you cut off the financial stream of free cash!

    Will your relationship survive you standing up to him, and telling him he can’t borrow money anymore?

    Better yet……are you sure you want to be in a relationship with a boyfriend who doesn’t know how to handle money, and who borrows money without paying it back? This is a HUGE warning flag about what kind of guy he is!

    I hope you find the strength and courage to stop loaning your boyfriend money. Yes, you’ll feel guilty and it’ll be uncomfortable telling him you can’t give him more money.

    But you know deep down in your heart that a quality guy wouldn’t keep asking for money and not paying it back.

  17. Lexi says:

    My boyfriend has asked me to buy him a 120 dollar instrument and that he’ll pay me back. He’s borrowed money from me and other friends before and just last week I lent him 240 dollars that I haven’t gotten back. The most I ever lent him was 940 for rent which he did eventually pay me back almost a year later with his taxes. There have been other things that I will never get paid back for. I have a job and live with my sister and have some good savings but I’m planning on moving out and it’s all money I worked for and I don’t want to just throw it away for someone else. I just don’t get why he would even feel comfortable asking me to lend him large amounts of money when I would never even think about asking anyone for more then 20 dollars. And then I have to feel uncomfortable for saying no. I just hate being put in that position especially when I know how he handles money and that I probably won’t ever get paid back and I have every right to say no but still have to feel guilty. But every time I bring up money he definetly gets frustrated with me. How do I ask him to stop asking me to lend him money for good?

  18. Marie says:

    For me I was so regret when I gave a money for my Nigerian boyfriend that cost of 23,500 pesos. I can’t tell that he is scam because we meet each other in Philippines since 2011 and he come back in Nigeria.. And I’m assured that he is a good man because I see him, he is a religious man.. But all of the sudden he was just suddenly disappeared after he took my money and never communicate with me anymore.. Now I know even how much the guy being a religious its not a guarantee he will not lied nor cheat on you when it comes in money..
    I love him so much but my love fade away from him. He likes to hurt other people.. Good luck for him! God knows everything!..

  19. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Azalea,

    It sounds like you already know what you want to do….the question is how to say no when your boyfriend asks to borrow money.

    “I love you, honey, but I can’t lend you money. I’m broke!”

    It’s as simple as that. It gets complicated when you allow your feelings of wanting to help and nurture your boyfriend get in the way of what your brain knows to be right and true.

  20. azalea says:

    My boyfriend is asking me to let him borrow money for gas and food
    1 I’m a college student
    2 I work part time
    3 I’m already in debt with credit cards
    the only money I can give is for him to pawn my bracelet he can get 300 for it we’ve done it before but I didn’t get back after 6 months and my mother had to take it out it was 400 with interest it really bugs me I want to say no I’m still paying for a loan I got for him last year and I didn’t even get to see that money for myself you know will I be a messed up girlfriend for not supporting my man in bad times he hasn’t worked lately because of the weather he works in construction. we love each other and everything but I need money too I want to finish what I owe with the little money I make he owes other people money too so I know I won’t see that money back and I’ll have to pay what he uses if it’s my credit card or pawing my bracelet I just don’t know what to do he says he’ll pay me when he gets money but I don’t know if I can believe him if he already owes me money

  21. Laurie says:

    Hi Kahel,

    Thank you for being here, and asking such a great question! When your boyfriend asks to borrow money, you definitely need a contract or financial agreement. Get it in writing, no matter how much you love him.

    I wrote an article called “Sample Contract for a Family Loan” – the link is just below. But, a financial agreement or contract between and your boyfriend is as simple as this: your name, his name, the amount you’re lending him, the date he borrowed money from you, and the date he intends to pay it back. You should also include repayment details, such as if he’ll pay interest or if he’ll make payments until the loan is fully paid back.

    What are the repercussions if your boyfriend doesn’t pay your money back? This should be discussed openly between you and your boyfriend. Will you take him to small claims court? Talk to his family?

    It is SO important to protect yourself if your boyfriend asks to borrow money. I know you love him and want to help him, but you still need to be wise.

    Here’s the article about how to make a financial agreement when you loan your boyfriend money:

    http://whenlovebugsyou.com/sample-contract-for-a-family-loan/

    I wish you all the best!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  22. Kahel says:

    Thank you for this article. May I ask if you could give me tips or a sample of a contract. I lend my boyfriend with an amount of 12,000 pesos (Philippine peso) from my savings and 6,000 pesos from a loan to start a computer shop business. I have not talked this about with my relatives and friends. Just with one trusted friend and advised me to have a contract too. Thank you and more power!

  23. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Rachel,

    You are 100% right that you and your boyfriend are equal partners, and you are both totally capable of looking after yourselves financially. You are under no obligation to take care of him when he asks to borrow money, and you certainly should NOT give him money or take care of his needs by buying things for him!

    You are a smart woman, and you know what the right thing to do is. Don’t give in to pressure from your boyfriend or his mother by lending him money. You’ll regret it, and you know it.

    Have you read the Boundaries books? You can love your boyfriend and treat him well, but not lend him money when he asks to borrow it. It’s just a boundary that couples shouldn’t cross when they’re dating. Even married couples need to be financially independent and responsible for their own selves.

    I wish you all the best in your UK adventures! Stay strong, Rachel, and follow your heart and gut.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  24. Rachel says:

    Hi, me and my partner decided to move to the uk for the year to do some travelling. We each had 12 months to save, i saved in that time $15000, wheras he saved $2000. He is now struggling for money but i dont feel comforatble paying for things for him, i worked very hard to save why should i give my share away because he chose not to save. I have now seem emails his mother has sent him saying its my responsability to look after him and give him money and i am very upset by this. We are not married, he is not my child i dont want to! I care about him, but i am his equal partner not his mother. I now dont know what to do. If i am being selfish or if i actually have a point. We have been together for 17 months

  25. Laurie says:

    Dear Chan,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing how it feels when your boyfriend asks to borrow money. I think you should be firm about keeping your money separate from his. Even if you and he were married, all women still need to keep their own financial independence!

    Tell your boyfriend the truth: your money is for your education, future goals, and your own life. His money is for his own purposes. You love him, but you can’t give him your money. You have to be strong and courageous, and find the confidence it takes to say no to him.

    Be strong. Be confident. Trust your gut — you know you shouldn’t give him your money!

    Take heart.

    Laurie

  26. Chan says:

    I have been seeing this guy for the past 4 years, back then he was OK. But after 2 years he started asking money from me (both of us are students and didn’t have job. I got monthly scholarship but he didn’t). I paid him regularly as I love and care for him. Once he asked for a larger amount saying that he got to do something important and will pay me back. I gave him, but after 1 month he said he bought a gold ring for him with that money. I said its OK but inside me I was so hurt. I had to ask money from my parents for my college admission. And now,there is a high possibility of increasing my scholarship amount, he is aiming for that he keeps on asking me when will it happen (he even started making plans of what to do with it, he said he will invest the money). I don’t want to end the relation and I don’t know what to do . Please help me.

    ** sometimes he pays me back a few bucks.

  27. Laurie says:

    Dear Melanie,

    Did your boyfriend sign a promissary note, or do you have anything in writing that proves you loaned him the money? That’s an important first step in convincing him to pay you back!

    It sounds like he doesn’t have money to spare, and getting your loan back won’t be easy. He is so far behind in his bills, and he’s motivated to pay his rent and buy food and gasoline for his car before paying you back.

    I’m sorry to say it, but I would chalk it up as a loss and move on. It’s financially and emotionally painful to have given so much to your boyfriend…but the pain will get worse if you stay where you are.

    I wrote this article for you:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/should-i-give-up-on-my-boyfriend/

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  28. Melanie says:

    Hi, my boyfriend keeps asking me to lend him money. The first time I loaned him $50, then $120, and then $50 again. Now he wants to borrow $200. He says it’s to pay his rent, but I don’t believe him. I don’t think our relationship is going anywhere. Should I give up on him? What about the money I lent him, will I get it back?

  29. Laurie says:

    Dear Debra,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts here! I hope readers who are thinking about lending money from their boyfriends learn from you, and think twice about falling for it.

    I love watching Marilyn Milian’s judge show — and over half the cases are women suing men for repayment of loans. We need to smarten up and separate money from our dating relationships.

  30. Debra says:

    So true about getting rid of jerks that need money all the time. I not only married a loser, but then went on to become involved with yet another piece of trash, (because I hadn’t listened to my “gut instinct”) that conned/borrowed/suckered as much money out of me that he could. What really irritates me was that the second creep was a “born again Christian” who worked for the same Co. as I did, although he earned $200 a wk more. and worked there twice as long (20yrs at the time) had ZERO assets–not even a 2nd hand car paid for, and only about $4,000 in a 401k. His ex wife was a lazy fat slob/stay-at-home mom, that hadn’t worked in years and squandered whatever he made on ridiculous diets, gym mbrshps, hair/nails, tacky clothes, booze etc., so I guess he was “getting back” at ALL women by taking advantage of ME. It took me over 10yrs to completely rid myself of that scum and even after he married someone else and had a kid, continued to call and beg me to go out with him again–that, or the idiot would try to sell me junk like vitamins, questionable investment schemes, figurines, you-name-it. Total dirt bag. Only once in an emergency I asked to borrow $10 from the mooch, of course he acted as if *I* had a lot of NERVE! HA! If a man asks to borrow money, or is constantly broke–GET RID OF HIM! Or live to regret it…

  31. Jane Alala says:

    It is hard for a woman to say no when a boyfriend asks for money. However as we get older we realize that if he cannot manage himself, then we are wasting our time. Let the bugger go out and make his own money. Girls you cannot buy love, and you cannot change a man.

    There are two types of men – providers and losers!!!

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