Feeling neglected and lonely is normal when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you – but you have more power than you think! Here’s what you can do when he doesn’t make time for you.
These tips are inspired by a reader’s comment: “I am always lonely, and I complain to him,” says D on When Your Boyfriend is Depressed. “He says he understands that I need to give him time and we both need to weather the storm together. It’s been five months, and I’m lonely and confused. Is he not interested in me anymore? What do I do?”
You can focus on him and your relationship, or you can focus on you. If you want to focus on him, read books such as Catch Me Please: A Man’s Dating Advice for Women and How to Get Men to Notice You. But I think your boyfriend is already in love with you…it’s just that he is prioritizing things above you. He’s not making time for you, right? Short of doing a song-and-dance that appeals to him so you get his attention, you can’t change who he is. But, there are a few things you can to do get his attention…
Here’s the rest of my reader’s comment:
“My first love and I got back together after 12 years apart,” says D. “We are in our 30s. We ran into each other eight months ago and were excited to get back together. He had made so much money, and he kept saying he needs someone to talk to and to arrange his life.”
What to Do When He Doesn’t Have Time for You
There is no “one size fits all” answer that applies to every relationship. You need to listen to the still small voice inside of you, and decide where to focus your time and energy. There is no right answer.
What do you want out of your life?
1. Figure out what you want out of your relationship
He’s clear on what he wants, and how much time he’s willing to invest. You need to get clear on what type of love relationship – and, eventually, marriage — you want. You have the power to control your future. It’s up to you to take the reins, and rise above your yearnings and “but I want and wish….” You need to put your emotions (“I want to be married, I want him to love me, I want to start a family”) behind your intellect (“Is this the man I should marry? Will he be there for me and my kids? Is he financially stable?”).
If you think you want to marry him, read Questions to Ask Before Getting Married – From Sex to Chores. It’ll help you figure out if he’s the right man for you. Be honest with yourself when you know your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you. It shows his priorities.
2. Decide if you want him as he is right now
Don’t hope and expect him to change, because he won’t. If he’s immersed in his work, friends, hobbies, or goals right now, then he probably will be for the rest of his life. If you want this relationship to work, you need to accept that your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you now, and he likely won’t have time for you after you get married, settle into a house, and have kids together.
You need to accept him for who he is right now. If you feel like your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with you, read Making Relationships Work – How Far Should You Go?
3. Voice your concerns about and wishes for your relationship – once
Tell him how it makes you feel when he spends all his time working, hanging out with friends, or working on his car. Say something like, “I feel ____ and _____ when you don’t spend time with me. My ideal relationship would involve us spending X amount of time together.”
Ask him how much time he can reasonably commit to your relationship. One date a week? Two hours a month?
Don’t initiate this conversation more than once. It doesn’t help to keep telling him you are lonely, confused, and frustrated because he doesn’t have time for you. Trust me: he heard you the first time.
4. Remember that all relationships go through ups and downs
D says, “The project that he spent all his money failed, and he banked on another. That failed, too. It’s been five months since the misfortune, and my once beautiful relationship is now a shadow of itself. He doesn’t give me attention anymore, and does not let me visit, although he pays me surprise visits at intervals. He said he wants to be left alone, as he is working tirelessly to get back on his feet.”
Many men see their value and self-worth in their work and finances. Some don’t want to embark on a committed love relationship until their professional life is stable and even prosperous. Others can’t focus on both work and love. They simply need to focus on one aspect of life at a time. If your boyfriend doesn’t have enough time for you because of his work commitments, you need to decide if this is simply a stage in your relationship or if it’s part of his personality. If he’s a workaholic, he’ll never be at the point where he can ease up on his job.
For more tips on living with men who are consumed with work, read When Your Husband’s Job Takes Priority Over Your Marriage.
5. Create a life outside your relationship
This is the most important – and the most fun – thing to do when your boyfriend doesn’t spend enough time with you: create your own interesting, fulfilling, exciting life!
The healthiest way to respond to a boyfriend who doesn’t have time for you is to build a life you love. Do not make him the center of your existence. Find what inspires and energizes you. What makes you happy? Your boyfriend is part of your life – he is not your whole life. The happier and healthier you are, the more attractive you’ll be to him.
6. Do not let your love relationship consume your self-identity
For your sake and for your relationship’s sake – and for your kids if you have them – you need to create your own life and identity outside of your relationship. You can’t let your identity get wrapped up in him or his life, or you’ll lose yourself.
In Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve, Matthew Hussey describes how to land a first date, establish emotional intimacy, and find lasting love. You won’t just attract the right guy, you’ll start to understand how men think and what they’re looking for. Attracting the right guy is about being confident in who you are and the value you bring to the table – so you can find a guy who’s as great of a catch as you are.
What do you think – does your boyfriend have time for everything and everyone but you? If you think it’s a sign of how he feels about you, read How to Decide When to Leave a Relationship.
I welcome your comments welcome below…I can’t give you relationship advice or tell you why your boyfriend isn’t spending time with you, but writing might help you figure things out.
May your relationship be filled with love, forgiveness, and commitment. And, may you find courage, strength, and honesty to share exactly how you feel and what you need from your boyfriend.