Is He Cheating? How to Be Your Own Private Investigator
These 12 practical ways to find out if he is cheating are perfect for women who don’t want to hire a private investigator. You can stop wondering if he is cheating, and start doing your own detective work!
“People cheat out of boredom, to make their lives more like James Bond,” says private investigator and author Guy White. “An affair becomes that excitement they don’t get from their jobs. But it’s not always sexual. Some of it is just getting away with something. People like the rush and excitement of sneaking around.”
9 Ways to Know if Your Husband is Lying About Cheating is one of my most popular articles – but after reading a book called The Cheat Sheet: A Clue-by-Clue Guide to Finding Out if He’s Unfaithful, I realized that there are so many ways to be your own private investigator! If you’re plagued by the “is he cheating?” question, you don’t need to hire a private investigator. Here’s how to be your own detective, and how to find clues that your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you…
One of the most obvious ways to know if he is cheating is to look for unaccounted-for time. For example, does he go to the gym every day for a long time – but he isn’t losing weight or getting fitter? Is he at work for longer than usual, or does he disappear for long lunches during the day? Maybe he suddenly has to go to work in the middle of the weekend or at night, or his phone is turned off for long periods of the day.
More tellingly, does he discourage you from going to his gym or workplace? If he doesn’t want you to know where or with whom he spends his time, he could be hiding something.
When you’re looking for clues about your husband or boyfriend’s faithfulness, remember to look at the big picture. If you hired a private investigator to help you find out if he is cheating, she wouldn’t bring back one or two clues. She’d bring several signs that he’s being unfaithful.
Read each of the following tips for investigating your husband or boyfriend’s behavior, and then step back and look at the whole picture.
Is He Cheating? 12 Ways to to Be Your Own Private Investigator
These tips for being your own private investigator are from The Cheat Sheet: A Clue-by-Clue Guide to Finding Out if He’s Unfaithful by Rea Frey and Stephany Alexander.
1. Install a GPS in his car or cell phone
“This is truly one of the most effective tools for figuring out whether he’s going and what he’s doing,” write Frey and Alexander. “Instead of stealing his phone when he’s not around or following him around like a stalker, you can track his activity remotely with a small stealth device.”
A Personal GPS Tracker doesn’t require any special knowledge or instructions to use. You just put it in the vehicle, suitcase, clothes, or anything you want to track.
If you’re not comfortable with GPS technology to track his whereabouts, consider bluffing. Instead of asking, “Are you cheating on me?” you might say, “I know from the GPS on your phone or car that you are spending time in places that you aren’t telling me about. I know you’re cheating, and I’m giving you this opportunity to ‘fess up. It’ll be worse for you to lie about cheating than to just come clean right now.”
While most men who cheat will lie or deny the truth, some will confess. Bluffing might be the key to finding out if he’s cheating without hiring or becoming your own private investigator.
2. Check his cell phone records
Do you have access to his online or print cell phone bills? A private investigator would look at those records to find out if he is cheating.
“To obtain cell phone records, you normally need the owner’s social security number, last name, cell phone number, and his password,” write Frey and Alexander. “If you know this information, you can set up an online account through his carrier. If he already has it set up this way but you don’t know his password, you may be able to reset his password so you can log on.”
Remember that password alerts are generally sent to his email address, so you would need to check his email if you reset his password.
As I write this, I wonder if it’s worth this much effort. If I suspected my husband was cheating and lying to me – and especially if I had to become my own private investigator to find out out truth – I’d be tempted to just walk away. Why would I stay with a man I didn’t trust, a man I believe is lying to me about cheating?
That said, however, I know that the truth sets us free. When one of my readers asked is my wife having an affair?, he said he just needed to know whether or not she was cheating, for his own peace of mind.
So, let’s keep learning how to be a private investigator…
3. Learn the front-tail tactic
Here’s an interesting tip for detective work from The Cheat Sheet: A Clue-by-Clue Guide to Finding Out if He’s Unfaithful:
“Instead of a traditional tail that involves following someone in a car from a safe distance, you actually drive in front of the car you are following. This works best if the person is suspicious of being followed. Get in front of the car and pay close attention to where he is by using your rearview mirror. He will never suspect being followed. This tactic, often used by private investigators, takes a bit of practice to master, which is why GPS is often most effective.”
4. Look for hidden decoys when you ask him questions
This isn’t necessarily a private detective’s tip for finding out about an affair, but it’s a great way to learn how to read your husband or boyfriend’s behavior. If you think he’s cheating with someone specific – such as a coworker or neighbor – ask him about her. Watch how he responds. Does he seem edgy or defensive? Nervous or uncomfortable? If he makes fun of you for bringing her up, he could be hiding his guilty feelings about cheating.
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An example of a “hidden decoy” is something that throws you off the scent. For example, he may change the subject when you ask questions. Or, he may get his friend to cover for him (eg, “Josh and I are playing poker in the cabin in the mountains, where there’s no cell phone reception.”).
5. Is he cheating? Listen to your intuition
Hiring a private investigator may confirm your suspicions…but your gut feeling that he is cheating on you is the most telling sign.
Further, as Guy White said at the beginning of this article, people like the excitement and rush of sneaking around and feeling like they’re getting away with something. Hiding his affair is part of the thrill. If you left him and he made an official or formal commitment to the woman he’s cheating with, he’d be bored soon. He’d start cheating on her, and she’d be where you are now.
If you feel unworthy and unloved because he is cheating, read Why Men Cheat – It’s Not Because the Other Woman is Prettier.
6. Build your case before confronting him
“When you have photos, video, text messages, emails, or other evidence and then you confront him, there’s no way for the truth to be denied,” write Frey and Alexander. “It makes the lies disappear and causes him to confront the truth head on…and if you are married or have children and are going to use infidelity as grounds for divorce, it is important to obtain concrete facts for divorce court.”
Before you ask him if he is cheating on you – or before you accuse him or confront him with the evidence you gathered by being your own private investigator – prepare yourself emotionally. Remember that he may become defensive, extremely angry, or deny the whole affair. He doesn’t want you to know he’s a cheater, and he will say whatever it takes to avoid telling you the truth.
6 Quick Tips for Being Your Own Private Investigator
Here’s a step-by-step guide for investigating your husband or boyfriend’s behavior:
- Tell him you’re leaving for the weekend, then stake out his house. Rent a car or borrow a friend’s.
- Install a Real Time GPS Tracker in your boyfriend or husband’s car. Put it near the dashboard or steering wheel, or even on the outside of the car.
- Prepare to do a lot of waiting! Being a private investigator involves hours of watching closed doors and empty cars.
- Place a voice-activated digital tape recorder in a hidden place, such as under a bed or his car seat. Record all conversations, and make sure your device has a large memory. The SpyGear Audio Recorder is a bestseller on Amazon.
- Check his voicemail and email messages regularly – not just once. Make sure you save them by downloading or sending them to your own voicemail or email.
- See what social media sites he’s on, and pay attention to his Facebook account.
Being your own private investigator to answer the “is he cheating?” question isn’t an easy task. You may feel like you’re spying on a man you love…and the truth is, you are. You suspect him of betraying you.
This isn’t a great place to be in a relationship, and only you can decide if it’s worth continuing.
What to Do Next
Read The Cheat Sheet: A Clue-by-Clue Guide to Finding Out if He’s Unfaithful by Rea Frey and Stephany Alexander. It’s a solid book with lots of information about how to be your own private investigator – and it’ll help you move from the “is he cheating?” stage to actually finding out for yourself. Each chapter reveals true infidelity stories and common excuses for cheating, and exposes the cheater’s thought process and patterns. You’ll learn how to catch a cheat in the act, which rules cheaters live by, how to deflect a cheater’s advances, how to forgive, and when there’s no choice but to forget and move on.
Start thinking about what your next move is. If your intuition is right and he is cheating, what will you do? You are not stuck and helpless, and your life isn’t hopeless! It’s just going in a different direction…whether you like it or not.
Get spiritually and emotionally healthy. Pray for wisdom and guidance as you move forward. Focus on healing yourself, and building a strong and joyful relationship with God. He is your source of love, guidance, and power. He alone is your rock, and He can make your life whole and happy again. It may not happen overnight and it won’t be easy, but you can recover from this.
To learn more, read Is My Boyfriend Cheating? Signs of an Affair.
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” – Norman Cousins.
While I can’t offer advice, I do read every comment. I encourage you to respond to other readers’ comments if you feel led, and to share your thoughts on how to become your own private investigator when you think he is cheating. Writing often brings clarity and insight, and can help you process your feelings.