How to Break Up With Someone You Don’t Love Anymore 27


How do you break up with someone you don’t love anymore? With care – because his heart is in your hands. You may not love him, but you don’t want to hurt him.


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tips for breaking up with Someone You Don't Love

How to Break Up With Someone You Don’t Love Anymore

“When my boyfriend stopped calling and texting me, I realized to my surprise that I really didn’t care about him that much,” said JoJo on 5 Things to Do When Your Boyfriend Stops Texting You. “He was more like a habit in my life, not really someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So when he stopped contacting me as much as he used to I was hurt at first, but then I was relieved. I had to figure out how to break up with him because I realized I didn’t love him anymore. I think he realized he didn’t love me anymore either, but he didn’t know how to break up with me. We need more articles about how to break up without ruining somebody’s life or self-esteem.”

I agree – we do need more information on breaking up and letting go of relationships with love, kindness, compassion, and care. Do you need to break up with someone you no longer love? Below, you’ll find seven ideas for breaking off a relationship that isn’t meeting your needs.





How to Break Up With Someone You Once Loved

“There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.” ~ Unknown.

1. Accept that there’s no easy way to break up

The truth is that there isn’t much you can do to ease the pain of being broken up with. It hurts to be rejected, no matter the reason for the breakup. And it’s hard to let go of a relationship – especially when you once loved him. You gave your heart, mind, soul and body to him…and ending that relationship isn’t easy. Even when you know it’s right, it’s hard to break up with someone you once loved.

So, the first thing to do is acknowledge and accept that this is a hard thing to do. Do you feel sad, afraid, awkward, or terrible about saying it’s over? Be honest with the person you’re breaking up with. “I don’t know how to say this because it’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, but there’s something you need to know.”

2. Deal with guilty or “bad” feelings about yourself for wanting to break up

Sometimes we stay in dead, unhealthy, or even abusive relationships long after we know we should leave. Why?

How to Break Up With Someone You Don’t Love Anymore

How to Break Up With Someone You Don’t Love Anymore

A million different reasons! One big one is that we feel bad or guilty after “abandoning” a man we once loved. Women often feel the need to take care of people – including men – and the last thing we want to do is hurt them. We forget that we’re actually hurting them more if we stay out of obligation or guilt.

Know that there is nothing bad or selfish about wanting to break up with someone you no longer love. It feels awful, but it’s not wrong. Don’t let yourself become overwhelmed with feelings of guilt or self-loathing, and don’t second-guess your decision to end the relationship. Your time together has come to an end.

3. Choose the time and place thoughtfully

Some of the worst times to break up with someone you love are before Valentine’s Day, after family funerals, on New Year’s Eve, at huge public events, and just before or after birthdays. Of course there’s never the perfect time or place to break up, but some times are certainly better than others.

Since you’re the one initiating the breakup, you have the advantage of already disconnecting from him. You’ve already started pulling away emotionally and physically; your ex may have some catching up to do. He’ll feel shocked, confused, and heartbroken. He won’t understand how you can be so cold and heartless – but you’re not! You’ve just already started to move on in your heart, mind, and soul.

To learn more about the psychological and emotional experience of thinking about how to break up with someone you no longer love, read 6 Things You Need to Know About Uncoupling After a Breakup.

4. Start “the talk” on a positive note

What do you love, appreciate, or respect about the person you’re breaking up with? What parts of the relationship worked well? This won’t take away all the pain of the breakup, but your partner will remember it later and perhaps feel a little better. Chances are, the person you’re breaking up with will play back your conversation in his head later — and this is why it’s important to give him positive feedback.

The longer you stay in a relationship that’s unhealthy or bad for you, the harder it is to break up with someone you once loved. If you’re involved in an affair, read How to Break Up With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart. You might find it particularly helpful to read through the comments, because you’ll meet many women who wish they would’ve broken up with their affair partners long ago.

5. Have the courage to say good-bye face to face

How to Break Up With Someone You Don’t Love AnymoreRead How to Break Up With Anyone: Letting Go of Friends, Family, and Everyone In-Between if you’re scared or anxious about breaking up. Don’t resort to a text or email message – and don’t just ignore your ex! Get help if you have no idea how to break up with someone you no longer love.

In this book, relationship expert Jamye Waxman offers the perfect guide to every step of a breakup with someone you don’t love. She focuses on non-romantic breakups, but her tips will help anyone end any type of relationship. She provides strategies for disengaging from a friend, family member, community, or even former version of oneself. She discusses both practical and emotional concerns, and helps readers find healing and freedom. While ending a relationship can be painful, Jamye’s positive message focuses on the ultimately liberating aspects of putting unhealthy relationships to rest.

The person you’re breaking up with deserves a face-to-face good-bye, and maybe even a discussion about why the relationship is over. Don’t use email, voicemail, or text messages (or Twitter or Facebook or YouTube) to end a love relationship, even if you’ve only been together a few weeks or months. I don’t know what’s worse: breaking up with someone, or being broken up with…it hurts in different ways. If you’re stuck in a love relationship because you’re scared or reluctant to break up, you have to on’t stay in a relationship longer than necessary. You’re just prolonging the pain for both you and your boyfriend.

6. Be honest about why you’re breaking up

This is the hardest part of breaking up with someone, even if you don’t love them anymore! Being honest takes courage and tact. But it’s the best “breakup gift” you can give the person you’re breaking up with. This breakup tip really depends on the reasons you want to leave the relationship, your partner’s personality traits, and how much control he has over the issue. So, I encourage you to sprinkle your honesty with tact and compassion.

7. Let the person you’ve broken up with share his feelings

Ending a love relationship can involve anger, tears, bitterness — or no reaction at all! Part of saying “our relationship is over” involves letting your partner share feelings and emotions. Remember that the initial reaction might be awkward (even scary and painful!), but it’ll soon wind down…and you both will be able to talk calmly. Soon, you’ll both be at the “letting go” stage.

It’s important to end “the talk” with words such as, “I can understand that you’re angry and hurt. This isn’t the way I wanted our relationship to work out, either. I’m sorry for hurting you.” Remember that the person you’ve broken up with is confused, hurt, shocked, and possibly angry. Try to acknowledge his feelings.

Help Letting Go of Someone You Love

letting go of someone you loveI wrote 75 How to Let Go of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart because I needed to learn how to let go of my sister. Letting her go was the most painful and difficult thing I ever did, but I had no choice.

To write this ebook, I interviewed life coaches, counselors, and grief coaches on letting go. I know how shocking, confusing, and heart-wrenching it is when you’re letting go of a loved one. It’s devastating – and it changes how you see yourself. Learning how to let go of someone you love is about rediscovering your passion and identity.

Here’s what a reader recently emailed me about Letting Go of Someone You Love: “I gobbled the book down. Great help in putting things in perspective and in taking positive thoughtful action. Many thanks for sharing your wisdom and experiences.”

Are you worried about what to say to your boyfriend – and how he’ll respond? Read How to Tell Your Boyfriend the Truth.

What do you think – what have you learned about how to break up with someone you no longer love? I welcome your comments below. I can’t give relationship or breakup advice, but you may find it helpful to share your experience. Writing about your relationship can help you work through your feelings about breaking up with a man you don’t love anymore.


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27 thoughts on “How to Break Up With Someone You Don’t Love Anymore

  • daisy

    Hey evryone im a 29 year old iv been in this relationship with my babys father forever since i was 17 about a year ago he became violent and also messing around with all types of girls ….i want out but dont know what more i can do i allready have an court order against him but yet hesitates to put him in jail because of our daughter ….i am well educated and has a very good job …i am just strugling to get this man out of my life ….he swears i will marry him …i now just live with all his doing to prevent fights i feel im locked in this cage where im afraid to do anything or say anything need advice im so tired of all this nonsense he will not leave me alone bare in mind this is a violent person and hes gang related now….

  • Christine

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and he’s been living with me and my parents for 5 months because his dad started hitting him and threatening him. I’m only 15 and an only child and still at school. Its been very stressing and hard and we fight non stop, I thought i loved him but it seems to have faded away and I feel caged into the relationship. Him and his dad are fine now but he still lives with me. I no longer want to be in the relationship but I feel guilt tripped because he says he’s going to kill him self or self harm if I leave him and he says I’m the only one he has left. Even though he has the rest of his family and his friends. I’m never happy and I don’t remember what it’s like to be myself. I don’t know how to end things with him because I still care if he’s safe because he’s like a brother to me. Please help.

  • Aisha

    hi,
    My story is a little weird and different, I have been into many relationships but I always broke up with them. I love only one person that is my best friend, i never told him about it, i don’t have the guts, don’t want to lose him. we know each other from the last 6-7 years and i love him from the very first day we met. I always got into relationships and broke up as he was always on my mind. He is in a relationship now, me too, but I am not happy with my relationship and want to break up, but my boyfriend truly loves me, I don’t want to hurt him either, please tell how to break up with someone I don’t love so I can be with someone I do love.

  • Tiffany

    Hi , so I have been with this man for six years we have a child together and we each have one from previous relationships. I was once so I love with this man I could spend forever with him. However more and more I feel used in our relationship and that it is one sided. I work and take care of the children with everything and do most of the house work. He also works but it is a completely different shift and he never sees the family. When he is home he doesn’t want to go with us to kids events. He is very greedy with money. He insists on having spending money all the time even though we have very little left after bills each month. He pulled out of his 401k so he could have money to modify his truck. He spend $3k in a month and never once paid a bill. The kids received nothing nor myself. His ex has recently taken us back to court for child support which is normal but for some reason he is trying to find ways out of paying it. I told him I wanted to buy something with my. We have not been intimate in a very long time nor do I feel attracted to him anymore. I feel like financially he is taking us under. (The person i used to be would not let this happen. Before him I paid everything g on time or in advance and my savings was amazing) I feel I would and could survive better with out him. I feel I can not rely on him anymore because he misses a lot of work for dumb reasons (head ach. Bored,) which puts us in a pinch. My father asked me the other day when taking him to the dr. “On your bfs days off doesn’t he ever watch the kids so you can do something alone” my reply “no”. I feel like a single parent already and am so disconnected from him already I feel myself ignoring him
    How do I get out without hurting the kids!!!

  • Na

    I’m writing because my husband is leaving me. I understand it not an easy decision to take. He tells me that he’s really hurt and doesn’t know if it’s the worst decision of his life. I respect his decision but unfortunately, we will have to live in the same home for a couple more months. He treats me kindly but constantly makes me feel that I still have to do things for him. I’m trying to take distance given the circumstances but he doesn’t seem to feel my suffering and takes my actions as inmature. I understand that he’s hurting in his way but this is so painful.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Sooty,

    I’m sorry you lost your husband – that’s one of the most difficult things in life to face. It sounds like you cared very deeply about your husband, you love him so much, and you’re still struggling to let that love go. I don’t think we ever really get over the death of a husband we dearly and deeply loved.

    With this new man you’ve been dating… it sounds like he is a great guy. He cares about you, and he clearly enjoys spending time with you! You’re a lovable woman 🙂

    I can’t tell you what you should do about this relationship but I do encourage you to listen to your intuition. It sounds like you already know what you need to do – you want to break up with him because you’re not in love with him. But, you don’t want to hurt him or have an argument about why you’re breaking up.

    Here are my questions for you:

    What would it be like to stay in this relationship and continue struggling?

    Imagine yourself three months, six months, one year from now. What do you think you will have wished you had done about this relationship?

    What is your biggest fear about breaking up with him?

    If you’d like to answer these questions here, I’d be happy to hear from you again! But I really encourage you to take time to write down your thoughts on these questions. Often writing can help us figure out what our deepest fears and concerns are, and can help us see what we need to do with clarity and insight.

    May you find the strength and courage you need to move forward in your life – whether it’s in this relationship or not. May you be blessed with wisdom, compassion, clarity, and love for both yourself and others. And may you remember that making the right decision for you will ultimately bless other people’s lives – even if they can’t see it yet.

    xo

    Laurie

  • Sooty

    I was widowed a few years ago. I was left with my children to raise. I met someone within a year who pressured me into seeing them. It was the ring decision. It felt good to be desired but he turned out to be manipulative and have ulterior motives. I was with him 18 months but ended it. I moved on. Around 8 months later I met a wonderful gentleman. Through a dating site. However, as wonderful as he is I am not in love with him. We have been dating and seeing each Other a couple of times a week for 9 months. As a busy working single mother that’s all I have time for. He loves me, so kind and complimentary. He is happy with our dating schedule. He is ex military and divorced with grown up children, who he rarely sees it contacts. I just feel nothing like he does and now feel like I am trapped. We don’t seem to have a deep emotional connection, well I don’t.. I know i am going to hurt him by ending the relationship. Its the cliché… Its not you it’s me… I have no idea if it’s because of being suddenly widowed and the effects of being in a mentally abusive relationship following my husband’s death, but I am also still in love with my husband. We had a good strong marriage and for the most part were very happy. There is no chemistry on my part. I can’t talk to him about it as he thinks we have the perfect relationship. I don’t want it to get to a year or 18 months As he will be more involved emotionally but I just cant see a way out. Thought about sending a letter but that is really mean. My confidence depleted over the last few years and I’m dreading there being an argument and confrontation when I do end it. Any advice?

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for writing about your experience – it takes courage to share what you’re going through! It’s a difficult place to be and a hard decision to make. How do you break up with someone if you aren’t sure you love him, or if you don’t know if you’re together for the right reasons?

    You sound like a self-aware and insightful woman, and you’re willing to take time to make the right decision. I can’t tell you if you should break up with your boyfriend, but I do have a few questions that might help you see your relationship differently.

    Coming up with your own answers has a much greater effect than me giving you advice – especially since I really don’t know enough about you or your situation to tell you what to do.

    How is this relationship affecting your behavior, thoughts and emotions?
    How does this relationship protect you from being vulnerable or hurt?
    How does it give you power and control?
    What would it take to make this relationship painful enough to break up with your boyfriend?
    Which path (staying in this relationship or breaking up) leads to more life, possibilities, and purpose?

    Go where the life is. Find ways to clear noise and clutter of unhealthy attachments, bad relationships, unhappy people. Listen to the still small voice of God – of divine wisdom and power! Be quiet so you can hear.

    Own up to the choices you’ve made and aren’t making. Don’t let past decisions ruin your future…you may grieve your loss, but you will be alive and growing a healthier future. You will be Blossoming.

    Here’s another article that may help:

    How to Deal With Your Fear of Being Alone
    http://blossomtips.com/how-to-deal-with-fear-of-being-alone/

    Take care of yourself. Listen for that still small voice – for you are smarter, stronger, and braver than you know. And stay in touch! Sign up for my Blossom newsletter; I will send weekly inspiration and encouragement 🙂

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Lovemedearly

    I have a boyfriend. He loves me but the thing is. He’s my ex’s cousin. Once my ex left me for another girl after using me, his cousin came into the picture. We started talking and well he says he loves me. I don’t know what to do. At first i had strong feelings for him but the more i’m around him I feel strange. Like it’s wrong but maybe it’s just the effects still gaining on me from my ex. I don’t know honestly. Maybe time will fix these feeling I’m getting. If you know anything please help.

  • jessi

    i’ve been with my bf for almost 2 years…he really really loved me at first and i didnt show any intrest in him and when i did, everything went bad suddenly and he asked to be away from each other for 3 months…then he came back and he was so srry and promised to never leave me again… but after 3 months we fighted a lot again and he wanted to go, i asked him not to go and he stayed for 1 month or so but again he left and when he came back, he was srry again :|…. last month we had arguments and for the THIRD time he asked me to give him space for a months but again he waited for some time and then he left but came back after 4 days … the first day he was so nice and kind and the second day (which was today )he was just mad at me for stupid and really unimportant things that are not even worth talking abt let alone arguing,…im even afraid to tell him how i feel or tell him that im hurt or sad bcs everytime i do, he gets mad or makes me feel like its my fault and in the end im the one who should apologize…i dont know if i still love him or not…i wanna break up but i cant😔

    • Ariana

      I wonder if your boyfriend is my boyfriend??? We’ve been together “off and on” for two years as well and it’s always the same pattern….get together …. Fight … He leaves and we lose touch for weeks or months… Then he comes back out of nowhere and same routine begins. He also picks fights over the dumbest things… And his actions do not correspond with his alleged love for me. Because of this back and forth.. I fell out of love with him.

      This weekend I broke up with him. It was the hardest thing to do but this type of relationship is NO GOOD. Trust me…. Once I stopped giving in to his childish, unwarranted gripes and accusations, I became empowered and finally got the courage to end it.

      Life is too short and you deserve gold!!! And this guy can be a sociopath, psychopath, player, who knows. And trust me when I say this.. You will get to a point where being in your own company…all the time…will be your preference over seeing him for even just a couple of hours.

  • Angela

    Am still young, am in two relationships. I love one guy, not the other one, and want to break up with them both. Dated one for 1/2 months and the other we have been together for two years. I am afraid to break up with the first one because he really loves me but I don’t feel the same like I used to before. It’s a long distance relationship, even if he is coming back. I want to settle down with one guy but I don’t know if he too is the right one, I am really confused I want to stay loyal to whoever I date….and I want to give it a try with this new guy I know and I think I love him tooo.

  • J

    So, I have been engaged for two years to a girl I thought was important to me, she’s always been there for me, supported me in everything. But recently I had a very important woman come back into my life and I feel every single thing I used to feel about her. The woman I am engaged to has nowhere to go. I don’t want her being homeless. I love the other woman more than the one I am engaged to. What do I do

  • Fran

    It’s hard because of guilt. I mean, I love my bf of 3 years. But he is basically a jerk whenever I try to talk to him about relationship issues. It’s gotten to the point where I must make him promise not to show anger if I have something important to say. I walk on eggshells, I talk gently and sweetly, but he is so unapproachable that we never settle things. Of course the same arguments keep coming up because nothing is ever solved. It got to the point where I clearly stated what I needed from him in an emotionless letter. He said he ripped it up. He laughs at couple’s therapy. He laughs at me when I tell him what I need. It’s so hurtful. Yet I love him and want to keep trying. He’s taking me for granted and I know it. I feel a mixture of hatred for him and terrible guilt for wanting to abandon him.

    • Dan

      why would you feel guilt? frankly, it sounds like you have every reason to leave. he blatantly shows you he doesn’t care by laughing in your face and ripping up your letters… what’s there to feel bad about?

      he sounds emotionally abusive, and he’s doing it on purpose. pick yourself up and leave; be stronger than you want to be, and leave the man who ignores you.

  • mahdee

    I was with someone for 16 years and I have ask about marriage 3 times and all 3 she said she wouldn’t make a good wife, she is 54 and I’m 47 and she has been going through menapouse. And 30 days ago to this date we were out of town and she wanted to go back home as she told me that her desire for sex was gone and she doesn’t know why..well we drove back home and I took a nap and left her house and came back 2 hr later and she told me to leave and I did and she stop answer my calls and text and told her family 2 days later that we were over, and didn’t tell me. I have spoke to her 4 times since and each time she has told or given me a different reasons for what she did. We had 4 trips set and paid for and she cancel them all saying she cannot go on a romantic trip because she doesn’t feel romantic..she still has my stuff and I have her keys and she just won’t talk to me and it’s killing me because my world has stop and I don’t know what’s going on. How to break up with someone you don’t love anymore?

  • Kate

    Hi,
    I’m married and while going through a tough patch in my married life, I got a lot of support from this guy, and we ended up liking each other. However, in a few months I realised what was happening was wrong and in the meantime, me and my husband sorted out things. I wanted to break free from the guy, but now he is blackmailing me and threatening to ruin my life, if I do so. My husband knows about this fling, and is very supportive and standing by my side. Dont know how to get rid of this guy who is turning out to be a psycho!
    Feel so guilty and stuck up!

    • Dan

      if your husband knows and supports you, what are you afraid of?

      tell the guy to buzz off. he can’t ruin your marriage, so what power does he have?

      anybody ELSE who judges you harshly for a mistake you made and already confessed to, and made amends for, isn’t anybody worth worrying about. you have the love, trust and respect of your hubby again, so… good, let him tell people! you know the truth and acted with integrity by discussing already.

      the blackmailer has no power anymore, except your fear. stop being afraid, and stop letting him run your life.

      you’re already running it just fine!

  • Leoni

    I recently got a new boyfriend, we’ve been dating for a week now but I have lost interest because I never see him. I want to break up with him and I don’t love him anymore, but I don’t know how. I’m just too scared I’ll hurt him because he likes me

    • Dan

      honey if you lost interest a week in, then i’m not sure why you ever started dating in the first place.

      if your “love,” didn’t survive the first seven days, just give him a call or tell next time you see him, that you really expected to spend time together, and if that’s not gonna happen, then there’s no point.

      and i mean… it’s only been a week, lol. you’ll both be fine. 🙂

  • Laurie Post author

    Even if you don’t have the courage to break up with someone face to face, you have to do it! Don’t break up with someone you love over text or email.

  • kathy

    i have been in a relationship for two years he shows no interest i supports him when i talk to any males he curses and slaps me about why am i treated this way

    • Dan

      anyone who slaps you for ANY reason, is NOT worth your time and energy.

      that’s the truth. plain and simple.

      millions of people manage to find a healthy relationship, and even UNhealthy relationships, where nobody hits anybody. and you are no different.

      leave your abusive control-freak, and find someone else. despite what he says, there IS someone better for you out there, and that someone is dying to meet you. 🙂

  • Bridget

    I’ve been dating this guy since November and just recently we became engaged. Nothing official yet. We have only told a few people. I never want to hang out with him anymore…I have changed so much and all this stuff and I just dont feel the same. I dont know what to do. I cant break his heart… but I guess I have to. I dont have the courage to do this face to face. Does anyone have any advice for me?

    • bella

      Talk to him about it, for sure its difficult, but he has to understand you feel rushed. Hope your okay, its difficult I know. Stay strong, do what’s good for you. X

  • Relationships Breaking Up

    Hi,

    Its a good process, get yourself out of that relationship you don’t want to be stuck with, you might be miserable hurting both of you..its a nice post and thank you…