How to Cope With an Emotionally Abusive Boyfriend
Emotionally abusive boyfriends humiliate, intimidate, and threaten their girlfriends.These tips will help you see your relationship in a different light, and help you get the strength you need to leave.
If you think or know you’re being emotionally abused, read The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans. She describes what verbal abuse is, shows you how to cope with an emotionally abusive relationship. She also describes ways to mitigate the devastating effects on your relationships, and outlines the Levels of Abuse – from subtle, insidious put-downs that can erode your self-esteem to full-out tantrums of name-calling, screaming, and threatening that can escalate into physical abuse.
I was inspired to write this article for a reader called Lisa. “I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years,” she says. “He began to lightly abuse me, calling me names, pushing me or throwing things at me. It began to get worse; he spat on me and even punched my face so hard I ended up in hospital. One night I went to bed early and because I never “asked his permission” he came in and cut up my clothes before my eyes. I never told anyone what I went through and still haven’t. My boyfriend would emotionally get inside my head and apologise so much and say he would change. I am very emotionally attached to this man and miss him when I think of what he was like when he was not emotionally abusive. He was my best friend. I know I am stupid for even having these thoughts but I cant help it. Please help!!” – from 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship.
Getting the strength you need to leave a boyfriend who abuses you emotionally is difficult, but you CAN do it! You will survive, and you will be happier in the future. My prayer is that you find the courage you need to see your boyfriend for who he is — and to believe that you deserve to be loved and treated with respect.
You were created to be loved, and to love in return. Don’t let an emotionally abusive man steal your spirit and snuff out your light.
What Does an Emotionally Abusive Boyfriend Do?
Here’s a great explanation of emotional abuse, from the Domestic Violence website:
“The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse — sometimes even more so.” – from Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships.
4 Ways to Cope With an Emotionally Abusive Boyfriend
You are NOT stupid, dumb, weak, or wrong for being in this relationship – or for not being able to leave your boyfriend. Your thoughts and reactions are not wrong or stupid. You’re a woman in love, in the grip of a powerful force that is complicated and difficult to shake off.
But, that doesn’t mean you have to stay where you are. My tips for coping with boyfriends who are emotionally abusive all revolve around leaving the relationship. Let him go. You deserve better!
1. Talk to someone you trust
One of the most powerful weapons emotionally abusive boyfriends have is your SILENCE. When you don’t talk about your boyfriend, you are protecting him and your relationship. When you protect him, you keep yourself trapped, weak, and helpless.
If you can’t tell your family how your partner treats you, you’re not alone. Most women who are abused don’t tell anyone about it because they’re ashamed, embarrassed, and reluctant to hurt their partners and their loved ones.
One of the first ways to get the strength to leave your abusive boyfriend is to talk to someone you trust. If you don’t trust anybody and have no family or friends, then call the Domestic Violence Hotline – the number and website is at the end of this article.
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2. Learn from women who found the strength to leave abusive boyfriends
Here’s what one reader, Diane, told a woman who was emotionally abused by her husband:
“Remember, stuff is just that…stuff. The most important thing is safety and sanity. You will have other stuff. You only have one mind. You have to make sure you will not go back. You are truly a strong and intelligent woman. You can do this. Don’t listen to negative voices in your head. They are lying to you. You have nothing to feel guilty about. He will suffer the consequences of his actions. You will suffer the consequences of yours.”
There are many comments on my article about why men are abusive to the women they say they love. Reading through that post and the comments will help you see your boyfriend in a different light.
3. Give yourself time – don’t beat yourself up if you’re not ready to leave yet
Leaving an emotionally abusive boyfriend is a process that takes time because the effects of emotional abuse are insidious. They sneak up without warning, and insert themselves in your life without you hardly even noticing.
Low self-esteem, insecurity, helplessness, powerlessness, unworthiness – those are the effects of abuse, and they are not easily overcomel
Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t have the strength to leave your boyfriend today, or tomorrow, or this month. When you’re trapped in a bad relationship, you need time to grow and get ready to leave.
If you aren’t sure if your boyfriend or husband is verbally abusing you, read 10 Warning Signs of a Bad Relationship.
4. Start thinking about the relationship – and the life – you want for yourself
Your actions and behavior follows your thoughts. If you don’t believe you are lovable or valuable, then you will settle for a relationship that is emotionally abusive. If you believe the lies he tells you, then you won’t find the power and strength you need to create a happy life for yourself.
Everything you need to Blossom is already within you. You just need to nurture it a little, to give it time and space to grow. What you need to create is hope, peace, success, strength, and plans for your future. You have the power to create your own destiny (though you may not feel that way right now!).
You have the power, my beautiful girl. The way to tap into your power is to stay focused on the relationship, career, home, friends, and life you want. You can become the woman you want to be…you just need to take it one step at a time. Keep reading articles about leaving an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Talk to your strong, wise friends. Gain strength from blogs that help women cope with emotionally abusive boyfriends. All of this will rub off on you!
For more ways to get strong and leave a boyfriend who abuses you emotionally, read How to Leave a Man You Love – But Can’t Live With.
Is your boyfriend emotionally abusive? Please talk about it – to your friends, family, coworkers, and in the comments section below. It’s not your fault, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
If you don’t have the strength to leave your relationship, call the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence at 800-537-2238 or visit their website at www.ncdsv.org/.
My prayer is that you find strength, hope, and courage to leave an emotionally abusive boyfriend. I welcome your comments below, but I can’t offer advice our counseling. You will find it helpful to write about your relationship, though. Sharing your experience may help you gain clarity and insight, and help you deal with emotional abuse in your relationship.
If you’re feeling the pain of your boyfriend’s rejection, read How to Cope When He Says He’s Not in Love With You.
“Now tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” – Mary Oliver.