How to Break Up With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart 1046


Your affair with another woman’s husband is painful, yet you can’t let him go because you love him. Here’s how to break up with a married man and heal your broken heart, plus encouragement from a woman who broke up with an unavailable husband that she was cheating with.


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This married man feels like to meet the most beautiful, perfect man for you. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted, you belong together…but he is another woman’s husband. He belongs to someone else morally and legally – even though he makes you feel like you’re “the one” for him. And yet, you know that the affair is toxic.

It’s time to reclaim your life and emotions, and learn how to emotionally detach from this relationship. Here, you’ll learn how to break up with a married man – and even more importantly, you’ll discover ways to let go of someone you love. I also encourage you to read through the comments section below. My readers are discussing how difficult, painful, and destructive it is to keep hanging on to an affair with a married man.





You need to heal, to set your heart free from the guilt, shame, grief, pain, and heartache. It’s a huge mistake – destructive emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially – to have an affair with another woman’s husband. You know this isn’t real love, and you know the married man won’t leave his wife for you.

Maybe you feel like he’s the only man for you because he told you that you’re the only woman he truly loves. Maybe you can’t get rid of your hope and dream that he’ll leave his marriage for you. Or maybe deep down you secretly enjoy the secrecy and lies, dishonesty and pain of having an affair with a married man.

But you’re here because you want to be free of the guilt, shame, and self-loathing that accompanies cheating with another woman’s husband. You want to let him go, and start healing your spirit, heart, soul, and body.

How to Break Up With a Married Man

Here’s what one of my readers said about breaking up with the guy she was having an affair with:

“I became involved with a married man after my divorce,” says Kay on How to End Your Toxic Love Affair Now – Before It’s Too Late. “He told me how much he loved me, and thought we were meant to be together. He said he was going to leave his wife, but he never did. I can’t believe how much time and energy I wasted on this man. The lies, deception and constant disappointment of having an affair with a married man was awful. I admit I miss his company and the way he looked at me and the way he touched me. But I realize I need and deserve so much more! Looking back I realize how toxic it was to sit at home on holidays while he was with his family, and only see him when he was available. We never showed affection in public, and we could never spend time with friends as a couple.”

You are not alone

A few years ago, I wrote an article called How to Stop Cheating in a Relationship. I didn’t think anyone would read it because I thought it’d be easy to not cheat! I was wrong. Recently I’ve had some very honest conversations with my friends about dating married men, and I’ve realized that affairs are more common than I realize.

How to Break Up With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart

break up with a married man

But no matter how common it is to fall in love with and date a married man, it is degrading, dishonest, and disappointing. The affair will never go anywhere, and it’s not true love. True love means you can introduce the man you love to your family and friends. True love isn’t suppressed by secrets and deception. True love does not involve lying and secret meetings, lonely nights and unhappy days.

You know what true love is, and you also know that if the married man really loved you…he’d be with you every night. He’d leave his wife for you instead of lying to you, lying to her, lying to his children, and lying to himself.

Stop lying to yourself, your friends, your family

What lies are you telling yourself? How are you lying to your loved ones? Your guilt and shame will devour you. Yes, you love this married man. You must love him, otherwise you wouldn’t be sleeping with him because you know he’s another woman’s husband. You feel degraded and used. You know it’s a toxic and painful affair – not a real relationship – and yet you keep hanging on. You hate yourself for sleeping with another woman’s husband, and you also tell yourself that you can’t break up with this married man because you love him.

You question yourself: “What if he really is different?” “What if my married man’s excuses are actually valid?” “What if he really is on the road to end his marriage for me?”

But you know the truth: he won’t leave his wife for you. This married man likes having his wife at home and you as an extra perk on the side. He enjoys the feeling of both you and her loving him. He doesn’t respect you or his wife, and you no longer respect yourself. The longer you keep cheating with another woman’s husband, the worse and more degraded you will feel….and the harder it’ll be to break up with this married man and heal your broken heart.

Hold on to your future – for it is brighter than you imagine

After my reader Kay broke up with the married man she was having the affair with, she experienced deep grief and heartache. She was lonely, sad, and broken…and she was free. Now, she urges you to stop cheating with another woman’s husband.

“To anyone who is still involved with a married man, all I can say is end it NOW,” she says. “Yes the pain is terrible. You wonder how you can go on without him. But the sense of freedom and self-respect you’ll feel after the breakup is empowering. You’ll feel better about yourself and your life after ending the affair, and you’ll see the married man differently.”

Learn how to let go of someone you love

breaking up is hard to doIn How to Let of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart, I share valuable insights and comfort for women who want to emotionally detach from unhealthy relationships. It’s an ebook, so it’s immediately available. It’s not specifically about breaking up with a married man or getting over an affair with another woman’s husband, but it will help you move forward in your life.

Remember that you are letting go of a man who doesn’t belong to you. He is another woman’s husband; he stood in front of his family and friends and vowed to love her forever.

Don’t keep holding on to the affair; it is toxic and destructive. You know it’s time to go, or you wouldn’t be here! Remember that breaking up with a married man will be painful and sad, but it’s better for you in the long run. You’ll need to grieve the end of the affair, but you will be healthier and happier in the long run.

This married man is not free to love you the way you were created to be loved. You’re participating in a destructive affair that is darkening your soul and spirit. It’s not romantic, sexy, or charming to help a married man cheat on his wife. You know this. You’re here because you want to break off the affair.

Expect the breakup to hurt

Getting over an affair with a married man won’t happen overnight. You’ll grieve the breakup, and you may even regret letting him go. You’ll wish you were back together, and you’ll cry yourself to sleep at night. But, you WILL heal and move on! You will be proud of yourself that you had the courage and dignity to stop dating a married man, and you will start readying yourself for a healthy new relationship. You will stand tall and proud, and you will be happy again.

Breaking up will hurt, but you will find true freedom and authenticity – and you will create a better life for yourself! You’ve been hurt and used. You thought your affair with this man wouldn’t turn out this way. Your heart has been bruised, broken, and maybe even stomped on. It may get worse before it gets better…but it WILL get better.

It takes strength and courage to let go – but you can learn how to get over a married man! You are resilient and strong, full of faith and courage.

Cut off all contact with him, for he is another woman’s husband

Don’t accept this married man’s phone calls, text messages, Facebook popups, emails, Facetime prompts, Tweets, blog comments, or notes at work. You’re just setting yourself up to fall back into the affair. Don’t let him lie and cheat his way back into your life. You can’t be friends with him. If you work with him, you need to get another job. This is one of the best tips on how to break up with a married man: cut off all contact and leave him alone.

Rebuild your life. Focus on healing your spirit, for it has taken a beating. Give your bruised, battered heart to Jesus; He knows what to do. He knows how to heal you, help you, and make you whole again. Accept His love and grace, His forgiveness and freedom. 

Remember that letting go of an affair with another woman’s husband is painful, but you can put it behind you. You can and will move past this if you accept the grace, love, and forgiveness that only God can offer. After you start to come through the grief, you will be grateful to no longer be trapped in the hell of searching for articles on how to break up with a married man. You will be free to grow stronger and healthier, spiritually and emotionally.

Stay true to yourself, even when he keeps contacting you

You want to end this affair because you know it’s wrong to cheat with another woman’s husband. You know this affair isn’t going anywhere.

break up with married men

how to break up with a married man

You aren’t proud of dating a married man, and you know it’s destroying your spirit and soul. At some level, you even know how much you’re contributing to the pain he’s causing his wife and family.

Put yourself in your wife’s shoes; how would you feel if your husband was cheating on you? This may not be the most effective tip on how to stop dating a married man, but it may help you find compassion for his wife and strength to leave him.

If you want to be a truly joyful and peaceful, you must choose a life of integrity and respect. You must choose relationships that build you – and others – up. Choose life, light, goodness, and truth.

Remember that you’re not in love with the real man

Are you still struggling to break up with your married man? Remember that you’re not in love with the real him. You think you’re in love, but all you see are the bits and pieces he shows you. His wife knows a million times more about him than you do – no matter what he tells you about his marriage.

He’s married, which might add chemistry and excitement to your affair. But he’s not available and he doesn’t really love you. He’s a facade: you know enough about him to give you some insight into his personality and life, but you’re not involved with the real man.

You’re not picking up his dirty clothes, putting down the toilet seat, listening to him snore all night long, wondering where he goes at night and on weekends, or fighting about the credit card charges and mortgage payments. Remember that when you’re dating a married man, you see the ideal and perfect guy. You don’t see who he really is.

Start searching for what your life is missing – and it’s not a married man

Why are you involved with him?

Don’t tell me it’s because there are no good guys out there, or you’ve dated everyone in your city. Don’t tell me there is nobody else, because I know it’s not true!

You’re dating a married man because of something that’s missing and broken inside of you. You feel empty, and you think it’s because you love him…but really it’s because you’re empty without God’s love, compassion, grace, and peace in your spirit.

What is it in you that refuses to let him go, to accept that he’s not free? If you can learn what you’re looking for, you’re one step closer to knowing how to break up with a married man.

If you don’t feel spiritually or emotionally healthy, this is the perfect time to start looking at your own personal growth. You are deeply and unconditionally loved by God, and you were created for a purpose. Your life can be so much more fulfilling and interesting! You can be truly and deeply happy, and you will find a healthy relationship when you learn how to take care of your emotional and spiritual health.

Decide that you deserve better than an affair with a married man

God created you to be a partner for a man who wants to spend his life with you, and who treats you with love and respect.

break up with married manDo you believe you’re worthwhile, valuable, and lovable? Do you love yourself? Sometimes learning how to break up with a married man involves a decision. You need to decide that you deserve more out of a relationship, and that a better man is waiting for you.

No matter what he says about his marriage, his wife, and his kids – remember that you’re only getting his perspective. He is telling you whatever he wants to tell you; he wants to make it easy for the affair to continue. He wants you to keep dating him even though he’s married and even though he won’t leave his wife. He’s lying to you.

Breaking up with him will hurt. Learn how to overcome depressed feelings after a breakup.

Read the comments below about breaking up with a married man

Below you’ll find several readers who are honest and strong enough to share what it’s like to date and break up with a man who is married. They are supporting and helping each other through their affairs.

I encourage you to read through their comments. See the pain that loving another woman’s husband causes. See the destruction that having an affair causes. Learn how deep the roots of heartache and betrayal go.

Use the insights and experience of these readers to fuel your decision to move on in your own life. Be prepared to face the reality that breaking up with a married man is difficult and painful – but the best thing you could do for yourself. Take a deep breath, and open your heart to God’s healing love, power, and strength.

I welcome your thoughts on how to break up with a married man. I don’t judge and I don’t give advice, but you may find support from other readers.

May the peace that surpasses all understanding fill your mind and soul. May you find your identity in Jesus, remember who God created you to be! May you accept the sacrifice of His love, and may you let go of the entanglements that hold you back from being fully alive and free.

xo


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1,046 thoughts on “How to Break Up With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart

  • Sasha

    Hello ladies,
    After reading all these stories, I thought I will write mine.
    I have been seeing a married man for over a year.
    Is is my coworker, i was married my left my husband earlier this year.
    He left his wife, but since he left something has changed, he is different.
    I could feel it and I can tell.
    I want to end this toxic relationship, I have managed 3 days without texting him, but today I txt him and aske is there is a problem as I haven’t heard from him.
    He txt me back saying sorry, I’ll explain tomorrow.
    I have got this feeling that he has gone back home to his wife.
    This is killing me physically and emotionally

  • Shay

    I have never posted on one of these forums before, but reading about other people’s stories seems to be therapeutic so I thought I would tell some of my story here too.
    I met a married man at work and he came after me with so much charm and enthusiasm that I could not resist in the end. When we tried to end it he would bring his toddler to me on a Saturday after finding out where I was and would encourage me to bond with the child, even calling me ‘new mummy’. I feel so naive now and I regret ever letting him in. However, somehow he touched upon my deepest hopes and desires and on top of that we had a really powerful connection, so it was all hard to resist and I believed that he wanted to leave his wife. It was all too powerful to see properly or think as usual. It was like being on drugs and getting easily swept up.
    Then came the news that his wife was pregnant, he told me about 5 months in to her pregnancy. By this point we could not leave each other alone, and we were both drinking heavily to numb the reality. I know I should have left at this point. I put too much trust in the fact that he believed the wife would be reasonable because it was a loveless marriage and it would work out if he helped support the kids.
    He moved out and I moved in with him. I knew as soon as I moved in that it was a mistake. I knew while I was packing to leave but ignored the feeling, and when I moved in I was overwhelmed with a sad feeling. Too late then. Their second child was born a few months later and of course he started spending most of his time with his family, continuing to have a lot of sex with me. I started to feel used and degraded.
    In the end he spent so much time there and I could sense that he wanted to be back. He was always getting threatening messages from the wife that he didn’t share with me but I could sense everything. In the end he did go back and moved to America to start a job earning a huge amount of money. He still contacts me claiming that he was manipulated to go back and that he is very unhappy and wants me. He says he has a plan to be with me in the future after he earns enough money to set the kids up. I have never felt so up and down, such a big separation between my heart and my mind. One minute I believe him and the next I think he is just cruel. Where I am at at the moment is I don’t know how to stop our connection. I block him, unblock him, block him and it just goes on. We feel close and connected and I am 38, single and used to him filling me up as he has done for two years. It is very hard to let go but I know is he is using me to make life more bearable for him. I dont want to waste years being stuck on him.
    I know that he will never leave because things happen which are a big sign to me and they catch him out. Recently he asked me to visit him while he is on a conference. My first reaction was no way. Then I decided to say yes,if his life plan to be with me were true then it makes sense to spend some time and work things out, as it has been all phone calls and messaging for several months. The minute I said I would arrange it, I sensed a shift from him. Then it comes out that he wasn’t sure due to the guilt of the kids. Finally it comes out. He will say anything but not change things in reality. I think I am serving to make his committment to his wife and kids stronger. I am still sometimes very confused about his behaviour, and even if it isn’t real love it feels like it. I have felt blinded and weak by it. I have tried going on dates, have tried everything to not feel consumed by him. I tell myself that I realise his true intentions but my heart keeps wanting him and wanting more. He sends videos of himself declaring his love. I wish I was too busy and distracted to not care. I have no kids, no home of my own, am trying to save money so i don’t do much. I am trying to build up friendship circles but I feel so down a lot of the time that I don’t have the energy. So I end up thinking about him and living for his love and attention. He wants me to believe we are soulmates who are supposed to be together, yet he will never leave. I am letting him do this to me and sometimes I feel it will drive me crazy.

  • Lara

    Hi Ladies I am updating. I wrote a very short to my ex MM on Sunday saying I did not think we should be in contact anymore and that I was now busy with my own life and own family. Then I blocked his number. And all the other social media apps stuff etc.
    We were winding down (again) anyhow but this time saying “I have my own life and my own family to take care of” really made me feel so much better about myself! I am single but I have elderly parents and grown sons and they too need care.
    Not bumping into him once in awhile will be impossible as he works near my house a couple of days a week. But when I went outside after my text I found his car was parked as far away from my house as possible. I laughed out loud!
    In general however I feel terribly sad and used up. The days are long and I am soooooooo sad. Each time I think of him I must remind myself : HE IS GONE. IT IS OVER. This was a long term affair with many on then off moments but I was never in all the years able to call him anything else rather than the “love of my life”. Now I have to re-word that. I will now call him the “love mistake” of my life.
    Ladies if you are at the beginning of your affair and think you “will not get that involved” or “attached” think of my story! I NEVER in a million years would have picked this man out of any line up of men I would normally choose. And I NEVER thought I could fall in love with him! I thought it was just “fun for awhile” at the beginning. Boy, was I ever wrong about that one!

  • Chloe

    I have just ended my affair yesterday after we had been together for one n a half years. I had tried to end this toxic relationship many times in the past until my friends also give up.😅
    It was until 2 days ago when my close friend reminded me that my affair will affect my children.( I am divorced 3 years ago). If even they bring a girlfriend back to have sex, I will have no right to scold them. This really woke me up ! I love my children and I want to be a good mother.
    Things are difficult now. Every part of my house just remind me of him. Reading this post helps because I know I am not alone. 😭 . I keep wanting to call and ask how he is doing.. I know I shouldn’t . What do the rest of you ladies do to resist the temptation to call him??? 😓 ps share.

    • Popo

      Well done Chloe! Best thing you have done for yourself. Here is what has worked for me.

      Stop Feeding the addiction – No listening to songs reminding you of him. No stalking Facebook, don’t do things you used to do together. None of it.

      Be present and acknowledge your feelings. Acknowledge you miss him. Cry if you need to. Be present NOW. Remember that our minds always identify with the past. Your mind identifies with him since its been a year and half. Start building your future now .

      Remember its just your ego hurting. Remembering that it is just your ego hurting makes it better.

    • Rhea

      Chloe,

      My ex-married man dumped me so my ego took a beating. I had to stand up for myself I felt. I have to show this fool what kind of woman I am. I needed to show him my worth and the only way to do that was to leave him alone and not contact.
      I am tempted all the time. the pain is ever-present. I cry maybe once a day but there is a heaviness in my heart and in my soul. There is a hole in my chest I feel. I carry on, I work, I attend social events, I read, I watch tv. But all the while, the void that he is left is present. I wonder when the pain will leave me. I am being patient with myself.
      What helps me to resist is my strong desire to take care of me. This is not about him. This is about my survival. And as women, while we engaged in these affairs and our hands are not clean, our natural inclinations, allowed us to love the men purely. The men on the other hand, are quite different and were able to use us and then detach. For that, I am angry. I do not give my affections away so easily and what I gave him was special and I feel robbed. It was a theft of sorts. One that was committed by trickery. So I remind myself that the most important thing is the well-being of my psyche. It is my dignity that stops me from contacting. Plus, I have envisioned what would happen if I contact. He will never ever confess his love for me. During our relationship, I had to pull it out of him. If I call and he doesn’t answer, he’ll see my number. If he does answer, he’ll be cold or talk briefly and tell me that he has another call to take. I am better than that. I hate that I gave him a year of my time and energy. I want his soul to bleed. I want him to feel my absence in the recesses of his mind. The only way for that to happen is for me to fall off the face of the earth. I want him to picture me making love to other people. He does not deserve to know my whereabouts. He dumped me and so he must not live with that decision.
      Anger and dignity keeps me on the right path.
      Find your reasons for not contacting. He is doing just fine. Do not feed his ego.

  • Tiffany

    This article was very helpful. I’ve been dating a married man for nine month and this relationship has gotten out of control. I met his wife and then I ended up going to the house. We worked together and that has made the relationship even more stressful. I’m stressed, and exhausted from dealing with this relationship and I’m trying to get out of it but its become very hard. He always seems to find some way to get back in. I talked to God a lot about this. I’m trying to move on my life!

    • Patricia

      Tiffany, you have to continue to pray about it because GOD always sees us through difficult times and hes always. However, faith without work is dead! I know this is easier said than done. Im living it but you have to at least try to be strong enough to walk away. Think about what you want in life, family,work and relationships…write it down (sometimes that help me see it better). Once you have really thought about this (not just today or tomorrow but really think about it) decide how he fits and if he fits into your life. Pray for strenght, courage and wisdom…it may take you another day, week, or month to decide what you want but at least take the time to figure it out. It is a learning lesson…something that was meant to happen in order for you to grow or maybe for you to learn something about yourself. Therapy may help as well! I am sure we are all here for your support when you need it.

  • Amy

    I met this guy online after my divorce. He seemed like a great guy but instead of jumping right into a relationship right after my divorce, I said lets just have some fun for now and see how things go. Things were great, but i sensed some red flags but whatever, it was casual. I started liking him more so i did some digging online and found out hes married. I asked him about it and he denied it…

    So i thought ok maybe I will just have some fun but somehow its killing me. What to do? On one hand i want to keep him around but on the other hand…whats the point, i will get hurt in the long run….

    • Patricia

      Hi Amy…i have read a lot of the comments here and it seems like we have to go with no contact with these men to help restore some peace in our lives. I havent tried it yet but i believe it would hurt but be helpful in the long haul. I think if you have more self control you can have a conversation with your lover to express how you are feeling and end it that way. The only thing about that is you have to be strong enough to follow through if you are really fed up and tired of it. Im in the beginning stages of this myself and i feel i could talk to him so that he knows how i feel and leave him alone but the problem is I enjoy the time spent and the conversations we have that are not about us but just about life in general. It makes me feel like he is my friend. I am probably delusional to think he views me as a friend. I am likely just and outlet and when i am done he will move on to the next outlet and not lose any sleep behind it. I pray for all of us trying to break the cycle. It seems we become addicted to whatever they have to offer us therefore, its challenging to break things off. Its not impossible but it takes time and consistency. This group is supportive and helpful!

  • Amy

    I met this married man online after my divorce. He seemed like a great guy but instead of jumping right into a relationship right after my divorce, I said lets just have some fun for now and see how things go. Things were great, but i sensed some red flags but whatever, it was casual. I started liking him more so i did some digging online and found out hes married. I asked him about it and he denied it…

    So i thought ok maybe I will just have some fun but somehow its killing me. What to do? On one hand i want to keep him around but on the other hand…whats the point, i will get hurt in the long run….

    • Lara

      Amy you ask, “What to do?” My free advice is this: RUN don’t walk away from this situation. Get out ASAP! and don’t look back! (Read my sad story and those of so many others below). I wish you strength!

  • Popo

    Ladies… Haven’t updated in 2 days which only means I’m getting better. I really am. I relapsed No Contact on at day 10 and was taught a very painful lesson. Yup. I was. His rudeness quickly escalated to unthinkable levels. We then exchanged a few civil messages today where we basically agreed that the relationship is over. He says we should be friends no talking about love. Rolls eyes!… That is not happening. I’m not made like that. I’m an All or Nothing person that’s why an affair would have never worked for me.

    This affair has taught me so much about myself in such a short space of time. Whatever is not God sent can be God used. It’s funny I’m not a religious person but daymme this one has brought me to my knees.

    I’m in a funny space. I’m not as angry. You know… For the first time I really do understand. Honestly. I had time to soberly think about it; ending our relationship is the right answer. I know and accept that fully. Its whats right but never quite had the courage. I however realize I started nitpicking being more sensitive, more obsessive, angrier. My anger always came down to the fact that I wasn’t the one tnothing in his beautiful kids. Actually, There was nothing; Absolutely nothing he was going to do to change that one thing that was making me mad… It was always a bottomless pit from my side.

  • Angelina

    Day 6: finaly broke the NC and sent him sum msgs.. the msgs were not hateful like always but i just wrote in a mature manner how i feel now, i hav let go & i learned to detach and be heartless from him.. he just replied saying i still love u but now m with family so things r limited which u dnt like or accept.. wel that was it.. yesterday I cried n prayed to god to relieve me of the pain.. trust me, it helped! I woke up feelin much better today. All this while during NC i was on road to self rediscovery & trying to understand wat is that i miss abt this man or y did i indulge in an extramarital. Today i got the answer. It was the newness! A new experience, curiosity to b with sumone new who gives u attention & complements, maybe i felt beautiful & flattered .. but i dont need a man to make me feel thatway.. i should be confident abt myself.. n yes, sex was awesum! Sumthin that i never experienced with my husband.. i started liking it only with him.. but that’s disgusting on my part! Its adultery and its a crime & a sin! My husband works so hard day & night to giv us both a comfortable life, to save enough money for our new house, for our future, n i was doing this behind his back! The time that my husband wud be outdoors, i was cheating on him with this man! My husband is the one man who loved & loves me truly & unconditionaly! He wud come to pik me at the airport even if my flight lands at 3 am, whereas this disgusting man wud not bother to ask also if i landed safely, or for that matter drop me at the airport even during daylight! So many days NC n the married man is happy in his life, he didn’t call me even once in 6 days n he says he loves me?? Really?? Still i did this to such a nice man like my husband..

  • Clair

    So aggravated right now. We will talk and text and he will just leave the conversation for the day I might add and then won’t talk to him for a few days. I’m always the one initiating the conversation and while we talk it’s nice but just won’t respond anymore. I think I need to start treating him like he treats me and see if he likes it but that’s hard cause I’m not a mean person. It’s like I’m looking for that clarification I need for the day and I’ll be ok but of course he doesn’t give me that half the time. He stopped talking to me yesterday and I know I won’t talk to him this weekend. It just really hurts my feelings.

    • Popo

      Clair…
      The texting no texting and distance from him is not healthy at all. Get out of it. You will see how much time you have wasted waiting in him. It’s funny how we women are. We would rather go through the pain of being ignored than the pain of letting go. I cannot understand it even for myself. Why??
      Been listening to this song, Heavy by Linkin Park. Love the lyrics;

      “….I don’t like my mind right now
      Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
      Wish that I could slow things down
      I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
      And I drive myself crazy
      Thinking everything’s about me
      Yeah, I drive myself crazy
      ‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity…”

      • Lara

        Popo, I think that’s a brilliant question! (You said, “We would rather go through the pain of being ignored than the pain of letting go. I cannot understand it even for myself.”) Yes WHY??? And I love the lyrics! I have blocked my ex married man on my phone the past two weeks and have been feeling better! But for some reason last night, I was feeling so guilty about doing that that I UNBLOCKED my phone knowing he might want to call or text today. DUH! (I am sure he is upset with me for doing this) Then when I awoke I became paralyzed in bed because I could not bear to stand up to get up out of bed to see if the call/text was there or the call/text was not there. Because either way I knew I was not going to be okay. I am not emotioanally prepared to actually deal with a call/text from him. I really am not! If I speak to him now he will only blame me for being “too sensitive” and “too emotional/over reactive.” I will sink into a worse state of loss/depression than I have already been fighting. I know these dynamics all too well. So I lay in bed filling like the biggest fool ever, I swear. Then I pulled myself out of the bed and pressed the BLOCK button again. Instead I saw a warm message from good friend there in my phone. I smiled! The married man in my life was never a warm and dependable friend that’s for sure. But I sure believed he was!

      • Lara

        Popo,
        Correction. Actually after prayer and meditation and a tarot card reading on myself (which have ALL been SO helpful to me lately), I took another step. I unblocked and sent a final goodbye text myself. I decided that rather to block with no words before hand felt like I was running away too much. Which could make me vulnerable in the future to him. Instead I wrote a very short text saying I did not think we should have any contact anymore. That I was now busy with my own life and family. Then I re-blocked. Now I feel like I am stronger not weaker. And I feel good not cowardly. I took the ball into my own hands and spoke my piece. I can not wait sit around and wait for his response however. It could come today or it could come in a week or then again maybe never! And in the meantime I would be paralyzed in depression and anxiety and not take care of my OWN life! This has been a long-term unhealthy situation so I know all of or break-up make up scenarios all too well! Number one lesson I have learned is this: I have to take care of ME because this is my #1 responsibility to myself. (I am single). Power to all of us trying to break free!!

  • Trish

    I am completely heartbroken and devastated, what hurts also is I can’t share this with anyone on my life because it’s wrong dating a married man, no one would dare give me any comfort, for this is what I deserve; which brings me here. I met my married man at work 6 months ago, long story short we met, fell “in love”, had AAAMMMAAAAZZZIIIINNNGGGGGG sex, I even stopped dating and was faithful to him (ironic and dumb, I know) We would talk every morning, ALL day at work, and evenings. I even thought “I wonder what his wife thinks of him being constantly on the phone” He was SO attentive to me! . Fast forward to this past Monday; his wife went through his phone and found some of our saved snap messages. Which weren’t much, but he said he got away with it and made me as if I didn’t exist, was only an “online” thing/ catfish. His explanation was vague. So he kept telling me he didn’t know what to do, he knew he had to end what we had going but didn’t want to lose me, so I made it simple for him and cut him off completely. On Wednesday, He emailed me 2x , called me twice at work, i picked up then hung up on him, and he text me 2x later that night and I ignored those 2, and he called numerous times in my cell, I ignored. Now today, i am MISERABLE and missing and needing him like crazy. I’m in a bad time in my life and he was my world and only happiness even though it was for all the wrong reasons, and I feel insanely unhappy without him. I feel sad and jealous that he’s with his wife all happy, going on as if i never existed and i HATE that he gave up on me even though i blatantly ignored him and essentially the ball is in my court. Any advice or a pep talk is much appreciated

    • Lara

      Trish read carefully through the comments so many of us women have left here and learn about the patterns most of us fall into with these situations. There are NO BETTER times with this man coming your way. The best part is over. Misery is what comes and replaces joy, unfortunately. The sooner you can cut the better. If you wish you can give him an ultimatum but LEAVE while he thinks it over. Give yourself time to heal away from him is my only free advice to you based on my sad and lonely and infuriating years of experience with a married man. Try to cut your losses and RUN in the opposite direction!

  • Patricia Jones

    I met the married man I am seeing at my childs sport event. We talked a lot at the practices and finally exchanged numbers. The first date we went on was in Jan. during that date I asked him if he was married and his reply was yes. I said why are you here, he said he was there because financiay it make sense. He is not interested in losing out on all the money he has invested into the marriage. Of course, I told him I dont think I can get comfortable with talking to you and youre married. So my gut said do NOT entertain anything else from this unavailable man but my loneliness said, just dont have sex with him and you are good. So we continued talking and dating (going out to public reataurants) until the first week of March. He came over to make me breakfast and that was the day i slept with him and it was amazing. Primarily because we did so much talking on the phone every day all day. Sneaking to see each other in between dates. We live literally 5-7 minutes apart. One day he even told me to meet him near his home as he was walking his dog in his neighborhood to give him a document he needed. I have picked his child up from his home as him and my child are cool. I felt really horrible about that but it did not stop me from continuing to talk to him. We have had sex about 5 times. One time it took us 3 weeks to have sex and he was so desperate for it that he got us a room. Of course he claims his wife doesnt sleep with him but that is probably is a lie. This past weekend we went out to eat but couldnt find anywhere so we found a chinese restaurant did carry out and came back to the house…my house that is. Of course we had sex and he left about 2am. That Sunday i text him to call when he got a chance. He did an hour later and said he was grilling. I felt jealous because I knew he was there at the house on Easter Sunday with his family (where he shouldve been) I did not hear from him anymore that day. Monday he called me in the evening and talked for a while and he said im going call you back and I said really…you tell me that and dont always call back and he said well i do call back at least 85% of the time (in my head, i said are you really settling for this…what is wrong with you) i said well i am just telling you that you do that more often now. Of course he was sure to call me back that night around 9 and i asked if he was out walking his dog. He said NOPE, i am just sitting outside so i could call my baby back (in my head, I said i love how attentive he is…right now) I said to him, oh thats sweet. Anyway let me speed up to last night. I hadnt really heard from and I was feeling down a little. I knew it was going to be a busy day for me as he gave me the heads up earlier in the week so i wasnt going to bother him. He eventually contacted me via text and then a quick phone call but he had to get back to work. He told me he may not get a chance to talk to me later but he would try to get in touch with me when he could. Well at about 10pm i said they are really working you huh…he replied yes I am STILL here. Long story short, he got home around 3am we text a few times but I was feeling very insecure and thinking he was not at work that late but with another woman…I thought this because I have been reading articles and forums about the disasters of dealing with a MM. Many woman have said if he lie/cheat on his wife he will do the same to you. He has become my highlight of the day, my adult fun, my escape from reality and I am sure there are people who will read this and think you are such an idiot. He will never ever be mine and morally it is wrong with you…I still cant believe I have gotten myself in this type of situation. Ive always been the loyal girlfriend that was cheated on by every guy I was with and now im the other woman…i am still in the beginning stages and Im sure it is probably best to leave now. I am not sure why i havent found the strength to get out…

    • Lara

      Patricia I understand you 1000 per cent! I have been there…done that…All of it! I remember the beginning of my affair as one of the “best” moments romantically in my life. I was newly separated from my husband (about 6 months into my separation) and I had been dating single men and it had been hard going. Then I met the married man by accident on my sidewalk. (Or I should say he schemed to meet me). I thought he was crazy when he said he suggested we have an affair. But for some reason I dove in. Everyone around me said “NO” do not go there! No! And I had never been with a married man and it worried my sisters and friends alike. But I ignored everyone! The beginning of my affair was like a dream a fantasy and I fell so hard for this married man who worked very very close to my house. All my pain seemed to melt away with him. We had so much sex and so many moments together and I seriously got very bonded with this man. (And hooked to him!) I have never fallen in love so hard with anyone I swear. I just went with my “feelings” for him. I reasoned in my brain that “of course he will leave his wife for me” as we were so “happy” and “truly in love”. Little did I know he had other plans. While he said “he loved me yes”, he also never ever said “he would or could leave his wife”. I could not understand this whatsoever. I confronted him on this and he got very angry and defensive saying. “I never said I would leave her.” He said, I just I was “unhappy”! Grrrr….I thought that was the same thing! Duhhhhh…..I wondered: How could he love me and not leave her? I just could not compute this reality whatsoever. My brain could not compute. After a few months things started deteriorating in a bad way. He said, I became “clingier” and “needier” as he began pulling back from me. He said I should just stay “more cool” with the situation….I tried so hard to “be cool” but honestly I just wanted him to want me and to choose me! I started drinking heavily just to try and “be cool” with all my boiling emotions…..Fast forward…….This married man is STILL with his wife after many many years. I got so hurt it is hard to describe the pain I suffered and it took me many many break ups over many years to get totally away from him. (I have had some times of being away from him for as much as a few years then going back ). I kept thinking, “if I just improve myself” he “will love me and leave her.” I could not accept that he was betraying and lying to BOTH of us not just her. He was lying to me about things at home. Anyhow, MY married man will never leave his wife and he will always cheat: simple as that. If not with me then with someone else. This is built into his psyche and his behavior and I am much better off without him because I could NEVER trust him. But I have wasted years of my life trying to convince him what a good partner I could be and how loving I could be. In the end I have been exploring how all my behavior is actually related to personal relationship trauma much earlier in my life: with my parents and my family of origin. It is not about the married man after all; it is about ME and my choices and my lack of self care! So here is the hope for me at least: I have been working on healing from this trauma to make better choices for myself now. I learned that actually an affair can be a sign that growth and change are needed for people. It can be an “opportunity” for us to get to know ourselves better. But it all depends what we choose to do as individuals. And damn what a PAINFUL lesson! Be prepared for real pain as you break free. You might need a counselor to help you too. And your close friends. And maybe ever anti-depressants but there is no shame in needing all the help you can get! Trust me: It is no joke getting out of an affair! It is a really really hard thing to do because of the pain involved and the lost dreams and hopes.
      But if the married man is not going to leave his wife it is a truly hopeless situation and it is emotional quicksand…the more you are in it, the harder it is to get out of it

      • Angelina

        Omg lara! I feel really sad to read ur story.. but u know wat? If u hav read other comments in this forum, u wud b familiar with the fact that NONE OF THE MARRIED MEN LEAVE THEIR WIVES. Thats the fact, irrespective of how unhappy they r, however boring she is, or how much ever he claims to love u. I read an article by a known counsellor where she mentioned that only 1 percent of men involved in an extra marital actually leave their wives for the girlfriend.. unfortunately, its the women suffering coz of those 99% who come to this forum & write. Its so simple for these disgusting married men to cheat on their wives & in the process break hearts of the girlfriends & then return to their usual life. Its very simple, if hes cheating on her & he WILL cheat on u. If hes bored of her, he will soon be bored of u and seek better stuff. Men who r genuinely UNHAPPY in their marriages do not do extramaritals, they come out of the wedlock for a better life. Only those who want adventure stay in marriage n seek pleasure outside as well. But i do agree, it takes immense amount of time, pain, tears, anti-depressants & even therapies to get over the breakup! My wounds r still fresh & i need a dressing everyday. The man i was with had a strange theory.. he would say that hes not unhappy with his wife, but he loves me! Shes the mother of his son so he respects her, cares for her & has responsibility towards her. I asked him numerous times if he loves her, then he used to give a very smart reply which is that he doesn’t hate her, but he loves me! Wtf does that even mean??? Either u love sumone, or u dnt , but wats this pathetic thing which he had been tellin me? He too was clear from day 1 that HE WUD NEVER, n that means NEVER leave her… he still was havin sex with her which left my heart shattered.. y wud he if he loves me? Anyway, m still trying to heal myself n come out of it..one day i feel better, the other day m at my worst.. i experience constant mood swings & the urge to msg him, stalk him on social networks. Hes living his life normally, as if i never existed, nor does he think or care to ask anythn abt me. I know for a fact he wud cheat on his wife agn, he wil never stop.. once a cheat, always a cheat!

      • Popo

        Lara Oh my word! Its like they read the same memo. I was also told I was clingier and needier! Huh.
        Its true that you start digging deep. Your childhood. Affairs are like exorcisms. They force you to look deep inside yourself and cast the demons out. Thinking of you…

  • Mhbb

    My married man came back from vacation today. We have been texting all along in the last a few weeks after my one week nc. He went to his office in the evening after plane landed. We chatted for a while. We haven’t seen each other or chat for a while. The whole conversation was very pleasant. No clingy , no drama. No demanding. Just very peaceful. We confirmed dinner at nyc Monday night . I hope it won’t turn to craziness again.

    Ladies, I suggestion is a little NC always help for clarify the mind and make urself a little detached and independent. Men respect that. I feel people r like planets have own indiuadual traveling orbits. Sometime two planets meet and travel togather for a while until they part away. Some planet have more magnetic attractions another . Might influence the other planets traveling direction a little bit. Still each have their own identities.

    People in love tend to forget their own identify. They devote themselves to another people completely unconditional. Unfortunately, MM can’t give a woman everything she needs emotionally . Then we shouldn’t give them everything we have. So that we will more balanced psychologically .

    I did only 7 days nc. But I think it’s great for both of us. It much better relationship now. I’ll keep updated with Monday dinner experience.

    • Popo

      Mhbb what a lovely planets analogy. So true. However, it is not a much better relationship. What you are describing is the fix you just got and you are feeling happy about the relationship. It will not last long. Before you know it all the things that made you mad will be back. He will go on holiday again…….
      You are going to see him on Monday be on a high…. Will last a few days. You will want to see him again. The cycle will start..
      There really is only one solution…..

  • Clair

    So I’ve been talking to him again because we were on day 6 of no contact and he decides to ask me how I’m doing! Well how do you think I’m doing??? Anyways, been talking for a week and actually saw him Monday. He wants me to be part of his life but has so much on his plate he says that we shouldn’t talk everyday that way he won’t be so overwhelmed. I’m hanging on to every word he says just to get that clarification I need to go on about my day. I was fine until he started contacting me again! Now I’m waiting on his text everyday. I’m just so consumed by him and I’m so tired of being ok with us not being together and then back at it again. Its exhausting.

    • Carla

      My affair with married man is nearly a year but slightly different he works in my town away from his wife and goes home to her to see his son he says every six weeks or so for weekend then comes back and lives with me he’s told her he lodges here he says he wants to leave her and he wants the marriage to dissolve in its own way but I’ve found messages on his phone telling her he loves her and misses her why say that if u are trying to distance urself from wife she suspects he’s seeing me but he says he’s neither denied or confirmed it but they havnt discussed it I checked her fb and she’s put photos of them both from this weekend all lovely fovey after he says they don’t talk or intimate at all I keep trying to walk away from him but he always wears me down he it’s like I’m the wife and she’s the baby mother cud he lives here with me I don’t know wat to do he says he loves me please help any advise

      • Lara

        Hi Carla, If you see messages from him saying he loves her, and if you see lovey photos on FB the red flags are all there that your man is a good liar! (Both to you and his wife) MM’s are so good at lying. In fact mine is so good at it I believed the lies again and again. I too saw images of him and his wife all lovey dovey and the Valentine’s Day pic actually made me puke! And I saw an “i love you” message accidentally a year ago, when I was still in denial about his lies. Those two things made me finally start understanding that the married man I was with was a pathological and chronic liar. And very good at lying! Try to break through your own denial gently and realize that you are not alone. So many of us here have been lied to and have believed the lies. But sooner or later we can wise up and get stronger and make decisions to LEAVE the relationship for our won good. Remember if he lies to “her” he can and will lie to you!

      • Popo

        Carla he loves her otherwise he wouldn’t tell her. Infact he would have divorced by now. You telling yourself she’s like baby mama is justification for you to stay in this. I can guarantee you right now they are making plans on how the family will come together long term. When that happens -either wife comes or he goes back to his city. It is going to kill you!

    • Popo

      Clair, you have fallen right back into the dark pit. Its tough. Great thing is you saw the light during your NC. What does that mean do not talk everyday. All it does is allow him to come in and out when he pleases. This way, he perfectly manages down your expectations. No. Don’t agree to that. It will just hurt you.

  • Angelina

    Day 4: I got up feeling much better this morning. Am smiling, listening to happy numbers, not crying and feeling positive. I havent cried even once since morning & thats a good sign (or not?). Everyday is different & today might be a better one, but it wont be like this everyday for sure. I will agn breakdown, cry, miss him, crave for him, feel angry & frustrated.. its a vicious circle! I am hoping that I have just accepted that its time to move on & not grieving his loss anymore. He messaged me last evening. I didnt expect him to, but he did. It was very general & to the point. We had an abrupt ending to the conversation. Sumhow by messaging yesterday, he gave me a hope that today morning he will agn msg, like he used to normaly.. atleast a good morning. or he will message to ask if we can talk & then call? he wil make efforts.. But he didnt, its ok, am not unhappy about it. Good only, makes it easier for me to understand that he has moved on & helps me to move on as well. he was hoping i will probably tell him am really unwell & depressed, like i was last week wen he did all that to me. but i didnt & m not. even if i were, i would not tell him. he didnt tel me if he misses me or still wants me back (while m still looking at my phone constantly & hoping he will, but he has a big fat male ego) or probably, i was right, m not needed anymore.. anyway, i dnt wana go back to past & waste my sanity agn analyzing what, why & how.. i just know that i need to keep goin & not look back. I keep telling myself that the door is now closed & he or anyone for that matter cant enter to play with me. I wont allow him to hold one string of mine in his hand & pull it wenever he feels like. I have other things to concentrate on & m trying to keep myself busy. If he wanted me, he would have not waited for 2.5 days to msg, & wen he did, he could have said that he misses me. he knows that i cant be mad at him for long, even if i try to fake it initially. And today agn hes gone! So yes.. i dont need him in my life! infact, i look at this way, he never was mine. i never lost anything that was mine.. he was just an illusion which vanished away with time.

    Yesterday, at the Gym, i learned something which tells me about life.. My trainer asked me to do walking lunges across the breadth of the room. He told me to do 5 rounds holding 5 kg weight in my hand. Wen i started walking, I could hardly balance myself. I kept stumbling.It seemed to be taxing & annoying. Round 2 was also difficult & I kept tripping. In round 3, i found it slightly easier & I only stumbled twice or thrice maybe. But at the end of it, that is Round 5, I could walk perfectly, without stumbling even once! This activity motivated me to move on! I realized that I have the will & strength to get up and walk without stumbling even after falling & failing so many times. And I will imply this in my No Contact exercise as well. M sure like the walking lunges, it will only make me stronger! 🙂 I hope & pray that i stand stronger each day than the previous one..

    • Popo

      Beautiful analogy on the lunges Angelina. So true. We do get stronger after every attempt. Its like a young eagle learning how to fly. Fall often then finally you are gone. Well done!! Hear is the thing though….even if he starts sending you morning messages Angelina, you still have got to let this man go. I look at these challenges as a blessing. Us suddenly realising that we are being given crumbs is like an exorcism. We are forced to cast the demons out and suddenly see that hang on…. This whole train was headed for a disaster….

  • Dani

    My story is a little different. We are in our 60’s. Met him when I was 16. We dated off and on for 4 years. At 17, I had a miscarriage. He always was a player. Which fascinated me. At 20 met my future husband, 3 yrs later we married. Never forgot my lover, kept him tucked nicely away in my heart. Hubby passed away after 31 yrs of marriage. 7 years later, lover’s dad passed away. I sent my condolences. He wrote back, inviting me to visit. I didn’t reply. Yr later heard from him again. Wanting me to stay in contact. I wrote once, not again. Yr later heard from him again. This time I responded. Yr later moved to his area of the country. 2 1/2 years later, we ‘re still going at it. He’s married 38 yrs, never says anything bad about wife. Said from the very beginning he wants cake and eat it too. That they no longer have a sex life. Which i have trouble believing, but don’t want to know otherwise. I thought I would have more control over my feelings. That I would be able to walk away. But no. I love him more every day. Have tried several times to break away. No luck. This time lasted for 4 days. I know better than this. At first, justified it by saying I loved him first and if it wasn’t for him being a player, he would be my husband. Thankfully, he wasn’t.

  • immie

    I have the a sad and sorry tale to tell, which is causing me immeasurable agony. 21 years ago I started a new job and was introduced to a married man who was to become an important part of my life. I felt the thud of OMG – if there is such a thing of love at first sight this was it! Bizarre – I was in a happy relationship at the time so it was something i was aware of, but did not pursue. Anyway – life moves on and this person eventually came to work with me. We struck up a friendship as is normal in working environments and over two or three years this grew closer. At one point we got, arguable too close, and we stopped it, but it started again 15 years ago. For 2 years we had what cab only be described as a semi physical affair – foreplay in many places but no sex. (Can I just say that by explaining it in detail like this is quite hard 🙁 ) Then things progressed slowly, as the opportunity presented, and boy was the sex good! Our working relationship was strong, good and healthy, and the physical side was a bonus. This went on for 14 years with only one period of 8 weeks of so where change of heart was made. The physical side was AMAZING – over time it got better and better.

    So, onto today – 12 months ago, the wife decided that we were too close and she didn’t like it. Since then the working environemtn has been strange. He changes from speaking to me normally to talking to me with contempt. It’s hateful and is destroying a job (and career) that I loved. I don’t know what to do! I still love my job and need to find a resolution!

    • Mhbb

      Wow, that’s very long time affair. R u single? How can he hundle between u and family for so long ? I had a major argument with my married man 3 weeks ago. I did nc for one week. Then we haven’t seen each other. But we texted back and forth quite a bit after nc . We supposed to dinner togather at nyc next week for one month break up . I asked him tonight : how’s the life without me? He answer: see that’s the thing . You think we aren’t togather . My life is with u .
      I feel some space create some independence, mysterious , less clingy , less heaviness, less jealousy .
      I think your married man is confused . Trying to push u away a little bit .

      • immie

        Thanks for the reply Mhbb. I am single, yes, and trying to rebuild my life without him in it. In a funny sort of way, I suppose I’m fortunate I am single. To try to cope with the heartbreak if I’d been in a relationship at the same time would have been impossible I think. I miss him so much, even though I know it was wrong, but it’s the friendship I miss more than anything. 🙁

        I think men can compartmentalise their lives so much easier than women?

  • Popo

    I just spend the last 24 hours dying to come here to write… possibily the worst 24 hours of my life. Today is Day 10 NC. I know many reading this are rooting for me. It’s in these stories we recognize our won lives. How similar we are. How similar intertwined and real the pain we have shared is. Maybe I will help someone 4, 5, 10 years from today….

    Only that it’s not my Day 10 NC. Last night broke my own No Contact.

    What I experienced after that is the worst kind of cruelty. I was punished for it. Coldness like I have never known. I knew it would happen but not like that. He has never been that rude to me. Breaking NC after ignoring mm is a recipe for literally lying on the highway and asking the car to drive over you. Disaster. It’s a no no. I know for sure now. There is no good reason to go back to the same addictive cycle of pain-relief….pain-relief…

    What happened. So last night I was at a funeral and was feeling sad (an excuse) and thought… hmmm maybe he is genuinely worried about me (another excuse), I can’t just ghost the guy (an excuse), let me tell him so he can leave me alone (another excuse), he is so influential at work what if he messes things up for me (an excuse).. Anyway it happened so fast…I responded to his messages. My response… ‘Hi I’m ok… Just trying to let go…..’

    His responses.
    You are disgusting and so self obsessed why did you not let me know you were ok. I was worried
    You are so so cruel you used me in our relationship
    I don’t know who you are anymore anymore, you are a stranger
    We no longer have a relationship wouldn’t care if I never see you in my life
    Delete my number
    Fu*k off
    You acted out of character I don’t respond to messages because you know that’s who I am. Not responding is what makes me, me.
    I don’t know who you are, you are a different person. A stranger
    I fall in love with a soul, your soul is disgusting
    I had fallen in love with you because you were sensible
    Don’t patronize me
    You are playing silly games
    I am going to block you from whatsapp
    I honestly might have never known you
    You would do anything to suit self including tell someone’s secrets to despise them
    You exploited my personality….

    His anger completely caught me off guard. Completely. Wow. I went from saying but this but that.. to sorry sorry, I’m really I apologize. I just wanted to get away. I am physically so exhausted from being dragged in this mud and from the back and forth the last 24 hours. It’s true what they say… You play with a pig, it pulls you in the mud. You get dirty, the pig likes it. There is NO POSSIBLE reason to break No Contact! None. My last message was… I will not send you any message after this, that’s for everything you have done for me
    ……. He has done nothing for me. I was so sick of it all I just wanted to get away. It sucks…SUCKS that I have to reset. Although this time I am a little stronger. You need an incredible amount of presence, constant self awareness to avoid the traps.

    My husband told me this morning that I was laughing in my sleep. It could almost be funny if my heart wasn’t so bruised. He said I seem happier. This time I am really ready. Help only comes when you are truly ready to receive it…..

    • hardtime

      I am so sorry this happened to you but also thank you for telling this story, it has helped me today. I am day 9 no contact and have been wanting to contact him for the last few days but keep making excuses of why I cant. Hearing your story has helped because the way we left things were not great but still not hurtful, I just asked him not to contact me for a month(we had been friends for 10 years together for 6 ahh that is too long)and I did not want to give the friendship up but I am thinking I did that 6 years ago. He blocked me on facebook after i sent the message. So I can go through text but being strong. I hope you feel better.

    • Mhbb

      Hate is not an opposite of love. Indifference is . He is very angry because u ghosted him for 10 days . Any emotions r good. Means he still loves u and hurts because of your lack of response . It’s easy fix if you want to get back with him. Unfortunately, if you want to leave, you have to restart nc again.

    • Rhea

      Popo,
      Don’t beat yourself up. You start over, except this time you’re stronger. Maybe you needed that venom – it will only push you further along in your healing.
      His anger means one thing. He is hurt that you rejected him. He is used to you being under his foot. He doesn’t like you being strong and in control. Screw him. After you loved him, he would be so vile? He’s an insecure man and preyed on your vulnerability. He liked you timid. He’s only angry because he’s lost control and not because he’s lost you. He’s not saying, “baby I’m sorry I’ve put you in this position.”
      You set the clock and start over.

    • Aria

      Pop,
      I think sometimes clearity can help you so much.
      Now I figure out there is a name for this kind of relationship “mental abused relationship”. And that’s why some stories here are exactly the same.
      It’s like expecting a baby to cry isn’t a weird thing cause that’s what they do. So absolutely they gonna act like that.
      It’s the same. When I broke up he told me I’m a lier and cheater

      Can u imagine this from a man who is cheating at the moment?

      So I can feel your pain but don’t punish your self for an abusive person.
      I know is easy to say cause I have more or less powerless days but do try.

    • Lara

      Popo this man is clearly angry but in total denial as well. While he can clearly see YOUR role in his misery, he can not see his OWN role in this situation! He is blaming you like he had nothing to do with the relationship. But he takes zero responsibility for the situation. Don’t pay him any mind! He is surely trying to control you with his anger and guilt now, knowing now that you have the strength to leave so he lashes out. But he is really immature. Don’t fall for the trap! You are too smart for this. I laughed when he said, “I don’t respond to messages because you know that’s who I am. Not responding is what makes me, me.” That is pretty funny! Never were truer words spoken by a Married man. Not answering texts is so classic for them, isn’t it? I blocked all social media and my phone with my ex MM 11 days ago. Before that we had occasional text/phone contact for the past couple of months but it was really draining. We haven’t been together in person and alone since Christmas however. Cutting contact completely is really painful. I long for him and miss him and dont’ know how I am going to live without him at times. But the point I got to is I didnt know how I was going to live with him either! It was like being caught between a rock and hard place. Total misery. All the experts say we must cut contact completely so I am trying that now. My way sure wasn’t working as every text or phone call he made to me made crazy emotional and huge mood swings. I see huge emotional immaturity in my MM too and in myself as well to even think I could “change” him with my “love”, Blech! Live and learn!

  • Smc3

    Hi everyone ugh….I need some advice. I am involved with a married man and we have been together for a year and a half. Yes 18 months. It all started when we found each other on a site for married people looking for attention. I was in a marriage with no affectionate of any kind I hadn’t been with my husband in over a year sexually. Even though I knew I should didn’t want to leave because my daughter was almost out of high school and I thought geez I’ve waited this long. So I just decided to seek affection elsewhere. I know not the best thing to do but I felt like hey if both parties are up front then no one gets hurt. He was completely up front and said he’s married with 2 daughters and has zero intentions of leaving his family. Mainly because a few years ago he left his wife and was alone for a year and realized he missed his daughters so much and wanted to be with them everyday. So he went back and tried to make it work with his wife but after 8/10 months things went back to the way it was before their separation. He was also very unhappy but was not going to leave again because he felt giving his daughters a “family unit” was more important than his personal happiness. He’s never spoken bad about his wife he says she’s a great mom and that they get along well enough to coexist and raise the girls. He says it’s like their business partners. I think there are times they are closer and maybe they try to make it more but at the end of the day they just grown apart and he’s not in love with her.
    So we met in late October of 2015 and it’s been like a whirlwind of wonderful. He says all the right things we have so much fun when we’re together and the intimacy is off the charts amazing. He says he feels the same way. He first told me he loved me in Feb of 2016 and in March of 2016 I decided to leave my marriage. Honestly it wasn’t because of him. I mean yes because of what he showed me I left because it helped me realize that I do deserve someone to desire me and want to be with me. So yes, in that respect I left because he helped me see things clearly. But I never left because I thought he’d leave or that I could convince him to leave. But now fast forward to a year after I left and ugh I’m still with him. I’m not sure I imagined this I really thought I’d be single for 6 months or so and get tired of being along and start dating. But I haven’t. I’m still alone and I am available to him whenever he wants. I see him usually twice a week (sometimes more) for a few hours each time. This has been no big deal really because I haven’t really want a “relationship” but in the past few months I have. I want to find someone to be with in a normal setting. Someone I can go to dinner with someone who we can spend the night together. But im so in love with this man. We’ve never argued except maybe once we had a serious discussion I told him he was not treating me right because he was having some business problems and he basically crawled in a hole. So I said hey either get back to who you were or I’m done. I’ve never asked him to leave, I don’t want to be that person who makes him choose me. I want him to choose me because he wants too.
    But I fear he won’t until his youngest daughter is older which at the least is 3 more years. I just don’t know how to end it. I know I’ll be so sad without him and I know I’ll have good days and bad. But I just don’t know how to break it off. I could do no contact but it seems cruel because he’s never lied to me and said he would leave for me. I just want something more and don’t know how to go about letting him go.

  • pcaw

    I was involved with a man who didn’t tell me he was married, until the day his wife found the proof she needs for divorce that he’s been cheating. It’s been 4 months​ of NC from me, but the wife keeps stalking me and sending messages that make it look like they’re from him telling me I need to move on. How in the world am I supposed to do that when they insist on throwing salt in a wound?

    • Jannie

      I too was involved with a married man for 5 months before discovering he was married. Something felt “off” to me so I did a search from his hometown (he’s in the military and stationed in my city) and found a marriage license dated 10 days before we met! Fast forward we have been on and off the whole time. I’m on day 4 of NC without giving an explanation or goodbye. I did that a month ago and then stupidly contacted him two weeks ago and resumed sleeping with him but this time I vow to be done. Part of me wishes his wife knew as no woman deserves this especially since the very beginning of the marriage and has been going on for almost a year! But I will never tell her no matter how badly I want to. She will find out in due time. In fact I think most women already know in their gut but don’t want to acknowledge the truth. These men are insecure boys who need their ego stroked constantly.

  • Angelina

    Day 3: I woke up agn feeling restless & weak. I thought time would heal everything & each day wud b better than the previous one, but its vice-versa in my case! M gettin & feelin worse each day. I cant stop thinking about him & its increasing as each day passes. I keep looking at time & imagine him doing his routine stuff, since I knew his routine. Its really really really difficult.. at times i wonder if he’s feeling even a bit of wat i feel? How can my going away not affect him at all? he used to say all those things to me, that he wont ever let me go, he wil go out of his way to get me back if i leave him, he cant live without me, he wants to age with me, he needs me in all walks of his life etc etc… so how did he chuck me out of his life so quickly, like we never ever existed! I keep looking at my phone & watsapp, hoping he might msg.. but he didnt.. its been 3 days & he didnt.. wish i were strong like him, or shudnt hav got so emotionaly involved, just like him.. he only loves & cares abt his family & i never ever stood anywhere.. true, it was only a momentary thing for him… at the same time, i dont wish to know anything wat was there from his side, how he feels about me now, whether or not hes ok, & what he’s doing, coz it will only cause me more pain.
    My heart is wounded, bruised, battered & it aches all the time. i feel am falling deeper into depression & the more i try to pull myself out, the deeper i fall down.. i crave for him all the time. but i love myself the most & if he doesnt want me in his life, i wont insult myself by going back to him. wen i look at the messages i sent him wen we fought last few times, i feel like a psycho! wen did i stop respecting myself like that? how can i allow sumone to control my life this way? i remember he once told me, there was emptiness in his life so i came in, if i go away, the room will be vacant agn & sumone else will come in. u dont die without anyone & thats true. but u do stop living & thats wat has been happening with me. i can best describe it as ANGER-DEPRESSION-MISSING HIM- LONGING FOR HIM- CRYING-CURSING HIM-REVENGE. i have no idea wat to do in order to forget him & move on in my life.. i pray to god each minute, either send him back to me or take him off me completely, but dont give me this pain. i still havent been able to eat. I thought i will only stand stronger at the end of day, but m becoming weaker & sadder. i dont know how to get over this pathetic BREAK-UP, but i dnt hav a choice. i swore that i wont make the 1st move & i will stick to it. i should only think about how he disrespected me, dumped me wen he was done & wat all he said to me.. I always behave like a psycho n send him crappy msgs n dats wen he msgs me. If i dnt, even he wont.. so this time i should just let him be.
    i dnt knw wats causing me more pain.. the fact that i broke up with him, his words or his apathy towards me? Everytime i hav to tel him how miserable i feel without him & thats wen he finally decides to msg me & then blames it on me that i talk rudely, thats y he didnt msg me all this while.. m waiting for the day wen i wil be over him in such a nice manner that reading all these journals will only make me laugh & i will laugh at my stupidity, just like i laugh about my teenage & college breakups! I dnt knw wen that day will come! I really really really loved him , it amazes me how he never ever felt any pain while battering my heart this way!!

    • Angelina

      Ok so update.. he sent me a message today!!FINALYY on day 3.. it was like general hi how r u? So I replied saying am good how about u.. then he told me he’s not good coz of sum personal issues.. i just replied saying best of luck n that was the end of our conversation.. am still abiding by wat i said.. i wont be the one to contact him, EVER!! I dnt knw if he will msg agn since I didn’t giv him much attention, so it wud hav bruised his big fat male ego! But atleast m happy, not coz he msgd, but i guess coz it satisfies my own ego 🙂 😉 m in much better mood now than morning.. for a change listening to hip hop instead of heartbreak songs! Finally smiling after 3 days 🙂

      • Popo

        Angelina I know the feeling of being happy after the message BUT you can’t always be waiting for a message for 3 days. You are right at the ego. Its a bottomless pit. You are only happy now because you just got the fix. Another day from now you will be livid again.
        Most importantly, Don’t lose sight of the real reason you want to leave him. He is married. You are married and hes not about to make you his second wife. All these other issues are distractions but brought into our lives thankfully to bring us to this moment. Seperate ourselves from the mess we have jumped into.
        Its tough but this is the roller coaster and cycles people go through until before you know its a 16 year affair. Its an addiction. You cannot keep relapsing. All the best….By the way how long were you together?

      • Angelina

        Popo, u r so right! M craving for the next fix! Its difficult coz I never heard back from him agn in 24 hours 🙁 but m struggling n fighting.. btw, we dated for 5 months. He was workin in my city wen i met him & went back to his hometown in march, so 1 month long distance..

    • Lara

      Oh Angelina I feel for you! I have been there too! SO many times I am afraid. But I am finally learning! Angelina, it’s not about love. We were duped. The connections we had with the married men were about “need fulfillment” and “holes” we all have in our lives and trying to fill these holes, but it is not about real “love”. We have emotional holes in us and the married men have holes and we try to fill the holes with the affair. That’s why these married men bolt so quickly IMHO. When we deny them what they are used to getting from us (the ‘quick fix’ we provide) they withdraw. And we feel used up and abandoned. But we got confused by our feelings. The roots of our behavior go way back in our lives to long before the married man was in our lives. A loving therapist is often needed to help us out of these affairs because breaking up stirs pains and anxieties in us we have buried in ourselves from long ago. The affair is just the “symptom”. Stay strong and reach out to get some help and support! Do not try and do this alone! I am sending you giant hugs xx00000

    • Rhea

      Angelina,
      Hang in there. You are expecting too much from yourself. It’s only day 3. On day 13, it may feel like this. On day 30, it may feel like this. But one day, soon, I promise, it won’t be this painful. You have to go through this process. There is no other way around it but to feel the pain. It’s ok to hurt and to cry. For me, its almost 2 months and there is not an hour that I am awake that he is not on my mind. I came to my my office today (had been out for a few days) and checked the missed calls. Not even one strange number. Not one message on my phone in 2 months. The detachment is sooo shocking to my psyche. But these men are pros at this and we allowed them to use us. They don’t deserve any woman to want them like this. I am done with that. I will never let myself be any man’s doormat again. I will give men what they give me and nothing more.
      Distract yourself. Go out. Do things. Hide your phone. Delete him from your phone so that you can’t see his activity on whatsapp. That’s not your problem anymore. Let his wife deal with his cheating self. You take care of you. Do something nice. Go get a mani/pedi. Buy yourself a latte. Do your hair. Watch a movie. Take your phone off for a week.
      Be strong.

  • Jannie

    So glad that I found this site. So many similar stories. I met my Married man last May on a dating site. Dated until October when my gut told me something wasn’t right. Mind you this whole time he presented himself as SINGLE. After I told him I didn’t feel that I was what he wanted in his life right now he agreed and said things felt distant and maybe we should stop while we are still on good terms. We had been talking and texting everyday for months, going out on dates every weekend and visiting each other’s homes. But he was quick to let it go. Again I thought he was SINGLE. I did a search that night and found a marriage license dated 10 days before we met!!! His wife was living out of state due to the fact he’s in the military! Fast forward that I didn’t talk to him for a month after finding out and being devastated. He reached out and I stupidly agreed to meet him. We slept together and then he left to go home for holidays. Fast forward to a week later he comes back with wife and her daughter in tow! I told him I was done and have a nice life. Two months later he texts to say Happy New Year. I again stupidly respond and have been in an affair with him since January. Him always sneaking to my home to see me. A month ago I broke it off saying that I had feelings and knew he didn’t feel the same way. He agreed and said the longer this goes on the harder it will be to end it. But that if I ever want a friendly chat I know where to find him. Missed him like crazy, feeling like going through withdrawal but for three weeks stayed strong. Broke down and text him just to say hope things are going well and it started it all back up again. He came over a few days later we slept together and he says I love you for the first time. I’m so so upset with myself for being weak and contacting him. I know this is wrong and it’s been eating me up. I know I don’t really want to be with him in a relationship as I would never ever trust him. I haven’t text him now in 4 days with no explanation and I want to go strictly NC without a goodbye or anything. Please any advice is appreciated. I’m divorced single mom of two. I work full time, have a growing beauty business, have lost 40 pounds in the last year and by all accounts doing well for myself except for the situation with him. Why can’t I stop thinking about him and just let this go??? It makes no sense to me. I’m so disappointed and sickened with myself for allowing this to go on and off for almost a year. I know better than this and know I deserve better than this.

  • Aria

    Ladies
    I need your help. I’ve done such a horrible thing to my self I checked his instagram.
    And there was a picture of him with her wife wrote the power of Married Man is smile of the lady beside him.
    Gush
    I was blown away by that. What the f…k?you came to my life and make a hell out of it and now just that easy?
    I feel dead I’m so depressed like all my soul is gone and I’m just like have to carry this body full of pain and I feel I can’t do it any more. I’m so broken. So much
    I can’t do it I really can’t carry this pain any more.

    • Jannie

      I am so sorry. We do not deserve this. These married men are totally selfish and I believe they are unhappy with themselves deep down and that is why they do the things that they do. I don’t understand how they can hop back and forth from one woman to the next. I’m on day 4 of NC without telling him it’s over. Haven’t heard from him either so I’m hoping it’s dead now.

  • Popo

    Day 9 NC… Woke up so happy. Didn’t know life could get this better. I have this burden lifted off of me…. Took time to sit with the people who made coffee for me in the canteen at work asking them about their families. Who is this new you, they asked??….

    Was thinking, how can life be so perfect….Everything is beautiful and going so perfectly…. I just feel so happy… Before, I always had this superficial smile but was always so anxious underneath, my life revolved around my mm… Either I’m worried that he’s going to cancel our date, I’m too happy he is blowing hot today, happy I’ve just seen him, Sad he hasnt responded and on and on.. Noone should ever have that much control over you…

    Here I am today with joy like I have not known ……and Then HE CALLED….

    I must confess ladies I honestly did not see this one coming. Completely caught me off guard. My mm has pride like you cannot believe. I have never met a prouder man in my life. He doesn’t even know who his biological father is – he said that he never bothered to look for him coz his thinking was if he didn’t care enough to stay and raise him why must he look for him (hmmm throwing in a bit of useless information ☺️).

    Ok. So now I know for sure. God really does have a weird sense of humor. I have 2 of his books…maybe he wants those…. (As I am thinking this I recognize it for what it is… Just an excuse for me to answer😂😂)… We have to strip ourselves bare and be honest in these emotional situations ladies…. I said before… the First rule of the ego is never to deceive yourself second rule is; you are the easiest person to deceive

    I truly hope I am helping even one person reading this with my journey….. The pain is too much to bear alone…. I provide counseling even for myself by putting these words on paper.

    What did I do…Again- I ignored him. This time I watched the phone ring and almost burst into tears. Why is it so hard. We love them so much that our instinct is to reach out and take care of them. Awwwwww😩😩😩….

    I often forget but have to remind myself. The suffering my heart went through at the hands of this man was brutal. I have to be selfish with my heart…. Going back means pain awaits me on the other side of the conversation. There is nothing more to say. He has 4 children and a wife….Oh wait 5 children, one out of wedlock (another piece of useless information ☺️). What more is there to say?? Going back only means that this time he will even be more ruthless. I will not give him that option. Surely he should also be so sick of this. Me begging…Me crying… Me jealous…. Me whining…

    I have truly decided. My participation in this back and forth is over. This is now on MY TERMS. No Contact means No Contact.

    • Jannie

      Did you tell him that you were ending things or did you just go “ghost” meaning no explanation? That’s what I am doing. He may think things are fine as we don’t text every day but it’s on day 4 now and I have no intentions of contacting him or responding if he contacts me. I already did the formal goodbye and then stupidly text him three weeks later and resumes the affair for two weeks. I’m sick of it and want out! Want to forget him completely and erase him from my mind!

      • Popo

        Jannie
        He thought I had ghosted him and paid a heavy price for such ‘out of character behavior (see my post above)’. If possible don’t ghost coz that means you are secretly wanting him to come back. Do NC for the right reasons. Completely letting go. You have to be truly sick of it all and desperate to get better….

    • Angelina

      OMG Popo!! God really has a strange sense of humour!! Am really happy to see u stand so strong! U deserve an applause.. if he couldn’t think abt u all this while then why day 9!! I still miss my lover & keep looking at my phone hoping he would msg, but he didnt! Breaks my heart into pieces! Wish he does..

    • Rhea

      Popo,
      I am so darn proud of you!! You go girl! I’m high-fiving you. I have not been in contact for almost 2 months but it’s because my mm has not reached out.
      I love that you’re taking control. There is nothing there for you. Let the pain wash over you. Embrace it. No man deserves our peace. His ego is killing him. You and only you are the keeper of your heart.

      • Popo

        Rhea, you do know he is definitely going to reach out right. You have plan and prepare for that. Prepare over and over to do nothing….

    • Mhbb

      ‘ I always had this superficial smile but was always so anxious underneath, my life revolved around my mm… Either I’m worried that he’s going to cancel our date, I’m too happy he is blowing hot today, happy I’ve just seen him, Sad he hasnt responded and on and on”….

      This sounds very familiar to me . We text a lot. I feel sad and anxiety when I put phone down . My life never felt the same since the day I met him . But I am just chasing a shadow. Something not real …..

      I am glad u survived on NC day 9. Keep it up.

  • Angelina

    Day 2 is over & it was very, very difficult for me. I broke down several times & kept crying for hours. Even now, its difficult to stop tears from rolling out. But I don’t have a choice. Yes, the only choice I have is to either accept it & move on or to disrespect myself agn & msg him.. I will agn send sum hateful messages & torture myself & he will reply saying baby i love u but plz understand blah blah blah… wat purpose is it gonna solve? Will rest of the things work out in my favor? i will only degrade myself agn & prove how helpless i am without him. Out of mercy he might want to be with me agn but for how long? Y cant i stick with what I have decided for myself? I decided that he doesnt deserve my love, care or attention.. all he gave me was stress, pain & humiliation. Hes just full of excuses & nothing else. I should look back & think, what is that I am getting, or have got till date from this relationship? ZILCH! ZERO! So wat was the point of putting in so much time, effort, energy, emotions, risk & everything into it? Thats the fact, I didnt get anything out of it, only lost.. I lost money, health, time, effort, mental peace, my husband’s trust, my sleep, my self-respect, thats it! He is done with my melodrama all the time & sees me nothing but a burden, so he has finally decided to cut off. He has not taken any effort to reach out to me since 2 days, nor does he want to take. I should just accept the fact that yes, it is over coz I decided to live with respect, happiness & peace n not feel disrespectful with the crumbs he has been throwing at me. Am not his pet. Happiness is not possible without him coz I was happy with him.. but there’s nothing that I can do about it now.. Last time as well I broke down, lost my sanity & cried in front of him & thats wen he finaly decided to msg me. Seeing me in that state only strokes his ego coz he wants to know how helpless I feel without him. If i love myself even 1 percent, or if I have any respect left for myself, I wont msg or talk to him until he does. This time I swear that I wont make the 1st move, even if I find it difficult to control my hatred for him. He disrespected me totally wen i went to his city only to meet him. I will cry, scream, break down, talk to the walls, write journals but wont contact him. The logic is simple. Hes completely ok with not being in touch with me. Hes living his life happily & didnt even ask me once how i was feeling, knowing that i was unwell. It agn boils down to the question, wat is that am getting out of this relationship & wat role did i ever have in his life (if at all i had any) that he let me go so quickly.. And, if he wants to reach out to me, nothing in this world can stop him.. but he only sees me as a burden now & doesnt want me to put my baggage on him. Ok, i wont. i will show him that I can take control of my life back from him. I really did a lot more for him than he deserved. The fact is, he doesnt deserve ANYTHING! Hes a thankless & heartless jerk.. he deserves No love, care, attention, affection, respect, nothing at all! this time watever happens, i wont fall weak. I think i should just accept it & not expect him to contact me ever. Yes, this is the end! i ended it coz i realized that i cant continue disrespecting myself by being with him. I keep asking God for signs, & no matter how many signs God gave me, i always refused to believe them. I wanted to believe only my version of the story, not the truth. I have always been happy keeping myself in an illusion. Since day 1, i was living in an illusion! The best revenge is to move on & thats wat m trying to do. Move on & show him I can be completely OK with him not being around. He really didnt do good to me & I curse him that nothing good will happen with him as well. I got my share of misery as am going through so much trauma. Since he’s strong emotionally, I want him to suffer in a different way.. May his career get screwed as thats wat is most important for him. May he never be at peace with his wife, she should also cheat on him & do affairs. These r the 2 curses that i have for him. Maybe not today, but at some point of time he will surely miss me & want me back. Maybe next week, next month, next year.. Or maybe wen hes sorted with his problems. I will wait for that day & i will wait for him to reach out to me..

    • Rhea

      Angelina,
      Hang in there for day 3. One day at a time until day 7, then look forward to week 2. You are breaking an addiction. I promise you that at month 2, you won’t be bleeding as you are now. It will still be painful but not gushing blood. I was listening to a song with lyrics, “when a heart breaks, it don’t break even. I got time and she got freedom…” that song is so on point. 2 people share the same experience yet it affects them differently. I am broken up about it but my mm is fine, moving on, not one “hi” in 2 months. I too wish my married man pain and bad things. I’m sure they’ll come true.

  • gloria

    We fell in love back in secondary school, and never had the opportunity to date cause I was not ready for a relationship. Later we lost contact and met back through facebook, by then I am married with two kids. He talk me into relationship and I felt the connection between both of us, so accepted to date him but as for then he is still single. After two years of relationship he got married and we still continue our relationship. But now the wife found out he is having an affair , she got my phone number through the husband phone, text me on whatsapp, called me all kind of names threaten to destroy my home and exposing my relationship with the husband. The husband (bf) beg me to block her up, and don’t mind her, which I did cause I was scanned to end the relationship, even my boy friend mother called to warn me to leave her son alone but still I feel my life is attached to him. So many times I try ending this relationship but he will called a beg, cry that I shouldn’t leave him, that he can’t do without me. I will end up running back to him. Am tired and I want to break up this relationship but don’t know what to do cause am scanned of leaving him. Please I need advice and encouragement to let go. Thanks

  • Mhbb

    I had emotional affair with a married man for 10 months now. I am married as well. But due to the nature of my marriage. There is always an emotional void in my life because my marriage is kind of based on responsibility and structure of family, my bf ( the married man ) is 4 years younger than me. Most of our time togather is more emotional based because he said he will become obsessed and attached to me with me if we r physically togather. We’ve been a few times togather. Then later on he pretty much rejected me physically saying I’ll break a beautiful family with 3 wonderful children if we continue physically togather. He told me he loves me. He care about me sooooooo much. He will never ever leave me eat. Surprisingly , I found out he gave his wife a huge diamond ring on their 15 years anniversary. I was very heartbroken. I felt whatever he told me r lies. I am getting dramatic, emotional, we fight a lot. I don’t talk to him for days, he explained he doesn’t see the different . His wife already has diamond ring. But it’s much smaller when married. He just change a bigger size. The love he has towards me never changed. I just don’t believe it. I feel I lost trust. Lost faith . He said he loves me and he loves his wife too. I am so lost . I went on a date from another couple of guys. Just to distract myself. But I can’t pull my heart away from him. He went for vocation with family this week in Florida. We still daily texting. But I feel hurts and anxiety when I put my phone down. The big problem I can’t do NC is we work very close togather. Before he left for vocation, he told his brother to make sure taking care of me and the business. When I get emotional and upset, he always told me: look at the big picture. We r all good. We r inseparable. But I feel the more I get involved emotionally. The more miserable I feel. He never had affair before in his marriage. But I just feel hurts a lot . Anyone read my story , please help and advise what I should do.

    • Popo

      Mhbb please take back control and stop all contact with this married man. You are just hurting yourself. Emotional affairs are just as intertwined as sexual. My one was also heavily emotional. I also work with my mm. He is a big boss (my bosses boss basically). So his name is mentioned, his pictures everywhere and I can’t escape. You can still do NC even when you work together. Just tad bit harder. Tell him you can no longer do this ‘love thing’, friendship neither and let go. Avoid meeting him for any work stuff you don’t have to be there. With me – I had to stop lying to myself by saying I need to be at this function or meeting where he is at where secretly I want to see him. First rule of the ego is never deceive yourself second rule is you are the easiest person to deceive. I just stopped and avoided him completely. Its hard coz the mind wants to justify… Its hard I know but because you are here it shows you are desperate to get better. Good luck girl… Sending you hugs

  • Gemma

    I have lurked here for the past month and found so much inspiration with you women. This is my first post. About 6 weeks ago I ended a six month affair. I am married 2 young kids. He is not officially married, but he and his significant other live together and have 2 young kids. Here is our background. We work together occasionally ( see each other professionally about twice a month). We were friends/ coworkers for 5 years before we crossed the line. Since then everything has been on his terms.. ex.. saw me when at his convienence only. When I offered a meet up he always found some excuse to back out. I finally had enough and send him a message that things were not working out for me. He didn’t protest much and said we should be friends. We remained in no contact for 5 weeks until I broke it. I had a great job opportunity… and wAnted to ask him for a reference( he is high up in this particular field). He replied Of course….anything he could do to help me out…and we engaged in some small talk. In my bad judgement I text him that it was nice to catch up with him and that I missed talking to him. Complete radio silence after that. I feel like crap right now. I was doing so good with the no contact and focusing on my marriage and spending quality time with my kids. I feel like I just blew all that hard work. I know deep down he just used me, and at first maybe I was using him too. However now I fell too deep and need to climb myself out of this. I wish I never crossed that line. Now.. there is a ruined friendship and my heart is broken😢

  • Angelina

    Ok so day 1 over & no contact! He didn’t try to reach me either!! I keep getting these cravings to see if hes online or not, but if he is, i only feel disheartened coz he doesnt ping me! M trying to resist the temptation.. i failed last time but this time i wil succeed until I complete 60 days n at the end of it i wont need him.. keep inspiring me ladies! This time its a question of my dignity, my self respect , I wont allow him to treat me like a doormat

  • Colleen

    Saw these stories and felt obliged to message,as I’m typing tears fill my eyes,been involved with a married man for only 2 months but I fell hard ,fell strong, wish I could turn bk the hands of time an be in control of this situation but unfortunately it’s not the case,I love him….he was nothing I’d ever go for ,not remotely resembling any one I’d ever be interested in but he treated me like a queen,something I’ve been longing for ,i used to always tell him how amazing he is and how happy I am ,we’d always miss each other constantly cuz we only see each other or speak when he’s at work, he never but on one occasion called me while he was at home whispering,I lay patiently every day hoping he goes to work just to hear his voice,I feel pathetic ,he recently told me he can’t give me what I want and that we can’t spend quality time together,just mornings ,evenings or nights ,only if he can come up with a good story,Idk why I even got with him…..what was it I saw ,feel so foolish ,desperate and Idk how to get whole again ,I find myself listening to our calls and crying myself to sleep,I convinced myself he was unhappy and that I’m here to save him,I convinced myself we will be together and gave him all of me foolishly, what he gave me was what I needed,felt so amazing getting his affection,we had a huge argument and haven’t spoken in 2 days mainly cuz he’s off from work ,how can he put his feelings for me off till he gets bk to wrk?while I’m here dying a slow death , she looks hidious, how can he love her,how can I come second to that ? I know God will never send me someone’s husband,but Ive never felt this bond with someone,Idk where or how to regain control,Idk how to end it gracefully ,Idk if I should …….how much more can I take if I’m inconsolable right now …….i know this is unhealthy but idk where to start .

    • SoInLove

      You women are so very strong. I wish I had that in me. I am so miserable. But yet so completely in love with my mm. He knows how to say all the right things but his words and actions don’t match and even he knows that to be true.

      I want to walk away from him so damn bad because I know all he’s doing is killing me slowly. He tells me he loves me more than he does her and that I am the love of his life, but he goes home to her every night. She gets all his time. She posts little cute pics of them on her Facebook and it tears my heart out when I see them. We are fighting really bad right now because I seen the pic they took from Easter proudly displayed as her profile pic.

      I ask him how can he say he loves me more than her but look so damn happy in their pic??? I’m so tired of how I feel. I either wanna sleep all day cry all day or I’m just plain pissed off. Who wants to live that way? But yet I stay. I wish I could find the strength in me to walk away from him.

  • Rhea

    Angelina,
    In one of your messages, you talked about getting revenge and hoping that one day he’ll want you the way you want him. I feel that way too and so I understand completely. What I’ve learned though is that the best revenge is success. Yes, it’s true. You know revenge is? Walking away completely. Not contacting ever. And working on ourselves – on every part. One day, we’ll look back and realize that that person does not have that hold on us. I am hurting like crazy. My marriage is terrible. I am contemplating divorce but I am so scared of it all and I have kids. The man I loved for a year who I comforted is nowhere around to hold me when I need him. That’s a blessing in disguise because he doesn’t really love me like he said. I am learning to stand on my own without a husband or a lovers support. I don’t need their validation. I am responsible for my happiness. This thing will only make you stronger. Today you are weak but his rejection will push you forward.

    Start by limiting contact. I used to leave my phone in the car. See him for what he is. He is a user. My ex used me for sex and companionship. I gave him the girlfriend experience. What goes around comes around. Some day, not today, maybe not 10 years from now, you will be vindicated. I don’t think you can treat people poorly and not pay for it.

    My feelings for him were real. Like you, I loved him with my entire being. I treated him like a king. I stroked his ego. I had never had an affair so I allowed myself to fall completely. He had done this before. But he kept stringing me along. He should have ended it with me after a month. After 6 months he kept ending it but I kept going back to him. Why be with me for 6 months? Why buy me gifts all the time? Why do this to me if you know that you’ll smash my heart? He was experienced in this. He’s exploitative!!! I still ache for him but it’s getting better. He probably didn’t expect me to walk away and not look back. I told him I loved him the day he ended it. The first time I said those words to him. I used it a bullet. I didn’t beg him to stay. Told him I understood but wanted him to know that I love him. I told him it was a parting gift. He said he loved me too. He lied. Morphine for the sick. That’s what he thought he was giving me. He never loved me. As he moves on and takes other lovers, I wanted him to know what he meant to me. When he lies next to his wife and he’s lonely, I want him to know that I loved him and that he threw me in the garbage.
    The thing is, when I do get my revenge, I won’t even care. I never wanted anything from him but his love. I asked for nothing.
    My first love dumped me. 20 years later he told me that he wonders what our life would have been like and that he really really had loved me. He kept reaching out to me and I shut him down politely. That was my revenge.
    A second guy had dumped me and I used to envision running into him again. Last November I was at an event with my family and I looked great and I ran into his best friend and his wife and they shared that this guy is sooo stressed in his marriage and is unhappy. And a week ago, his best friend told me that he told the dumper that he should have married me. That’s my vindication- 13 years later.
    This one will come. It’s only a matter of time. In the meanwhile I’m taking care of myself.

    • Angelina

      Rhea, i feel so strong and motivated after reading ur comments! Thank you so much for writing to me & sharing ur experience.. i see a great friend in u and feel comfortable sharing my feelings with u. m so sorry to hear about ur problems & how ur husband has been treating u.. i dont blame u for havin an affair so coz any woman whos at ur stage, dealing with a crumbling marriage and a cheating husband can fall prey to exploitative men like u did! I pray to god to give u strength and help improve situation at ur home atleast so that u can come out this mess from one direction. U hav ur kids & thats reason enough for u to move on & be happy!!
      Talking about the horrible man am with, i broke up with him AGN! Though i had set a rule book for myself n thought of ending it slowly, but it only made me more angry & upset. This time purely coz of the kind of treatment he has been giving me.. i do relate to wat u said about the girlfriend experience, m way younger to him and thats wat i provided him.. i made him feel young & wanted & thats wat gave him an ego boost.. though it was different from my end. I loved him with all my heart, just like my spouse. I even used to cook for him & do his chores. This married man never returned even an iota of my love, care or affection. Thr were days wen i wud hav outbursts n i wud cry in front of him for his cold reaction n he wud say hes like that only & he doesnt compliment anyone! Before i came to know abt this forum, i used to write emails to myself wen i had fights with him. I was reading mails dated january which showed m still on square one & things havent progresed at all from there! Watever wer my probs or insecrities few months back, they r stil the same! So wats the ROI of investing so much time, money, risk, emotions, energy into him? ZILCH! ZERO! Popo is right, one day i wil wake up & realize 12 more months have passed, n m stil stuck at the same place! With the same excuses, insecurities, torture etc.. do i want that?
      Im still in my 20s and hav some expectations wen it comes to relationships.. i dnt wana carry his emotional baggage on me anymore without any reason! Hes the most thankless & heartless person i have come across. He never did anything to make ME feel special at all! No gifts, no surprises, nothing! N wen i did, his reaction used to be plain & cold! Now i hav given up n wana focus on myself. U r right, the best revenge is to move on & show him i can b nicely over him! I wana focus on my life, my health, my career, my home & my family which i had been ignoring coz of him. I wil fight the urge to msg him, even if its hate u msgs.. i wil fight the urge to stalk my married man and his wife on social networks. Infact i wud think that hes dead, N dead ppl do not message or contact u. I wil envision running into him at some point in this life n show him how rocking my life is & i still luk hot! I wil wait for the day wen he wud crave for me & want me back n i wud hav moved on, not for another illicit relationship like him, but for my husband. He has a tendency to cheat & luk for momentarily relationships & i know he wil do that again! He wil trap more girls like me & dump them also wen they get into melodrama & all. Hes not a one woman man for sure n this he himself told me, which makes me think if I really should be mad at his wife!

      • Rhea

        Angelina,
        I hear everything that you’re saying. You are not oblivious. You are very very aware of all of the deficiencies of this mm. He is not worth you. You are addicted to him. He met some need in you – maybe he made you feel sexy or alive or maybe the relationship made you feel that way. But at what cost? You have lost your peace and you’ve lost control of your mind and your heart. The only way out is to end it completely. You’re doing it for you. There will be tremendous pain. But the alternative is to live in mental torture. He’s like your source of drugs and you’re an addict begging for another hit, another high. See this thing for what it is.
        Do one day at a time. Oct of last year by mm left me and 2 months later we reconciled and then it ended 2 months after that. I’ve marked dates on my calendar from the last breakup to 4 months from then which takes me to June. Everyday that I don’t contact I’m taking back my time I gave him. I remember, “this was the date I met him for a drink or this was when I slept with him” and I watch the date come and go and I think this is my revenge. I’m redoing the time my way. Ultimately I want to be able to make it to a year. I want to take back the year I gave him and in that year, make myself whole.
        This thing steals all of your moments. I watched my kids playing and laughing today. I stopped and watched and smiled. When I was with him, I was so tormented that I didn’t stop to look at my life. I was wrapped up in analyzing his words and trying everything I could to keep his attention. Who the hell needs to live like that?
        Be strong my friend. You can do. What need was he fullfiling? Fill that whole with other things. I joined a swim class, I read More and I hang out with my friends. I ache for him still but there is more clarity now.
        In the end, I will be stronger because if it but he will not meet another woman like me. He will always be unhappy. That’s my wish for him.

      • Popo

        Angy well done. Stunning words from Rhea. Every single one of them. Inspired me too. Trust me Angy He will definitely text. Be ready for it… Prepare over and over when the time comes to do nothing. Its the only way you will heal.
        Its funny I’m in bed now just woke up and realized I don’t have to swing to my phone see when he opened my message. He always opened late night message and never ever replied. Slight disappointment. Close my phone open and check again. Then start thinking what time must I send good morning message… Must I wait…. Then send start checking if he’s opened it…. Noone deserves that mental punishment….

      • Angelina

        Popo & rhea, thank u both for writing back! If u guys wudnt hav motivated me, i wud hav had no1 to talk to n probably wud hav landed in an asylum! My heart is paining non stop & m still craving for him, but i wil stand by my promise of NC. Stil cant blv how he can let me go so easily.. but now i feel its not him who chucked me out of his life, but I dumped him before he cud! Thatways i hav an upper hand here. I dnt hav to lie to my husband, i can look into his eyes whilr talking, n my own eyes in the mirror! It wil stil take time to stop stalking him on socisl networks n watsapp but i hav reduced the frequency. Hes online all the time but doesn’t msg me & it hurts.. but its ok, i wil only stand stronger. M spending time with mysef.. working out, dressing up, goin to salons, praying, spending time with my husband etc.. thatways I keep myself busy. M looking fwd to the blessings life has in store for me as m really young right now.. plz keep writing n inspiring me with ur words!!

  • hardtime

    Its a week today I have told him not to contact me and he has not. Today is a hard day for me dont know why. SO want to see how he is doing. But then i think about all the times he made me cry and did not think about me. Trying to stay busy but the last few days i have been home by myself all friends are busy so have been in my head. Being so tempted to text or email him so writing here instaed.

    • Rhea

      Hard time,
      He’s doing just fine. You worry about yourself. These men are selfish. They are very pointed and focused. They come to us to fill a specific need – be it sex, companionship, etc. we as woman are nurturers so not only do we fill that need, we end up giving them our hearts. They take only what they need and then depart and we like fools have given over our hearts to them.
      When all else fails, act like a man. Worry about your own well-being.

  • Angelina

    Its been a day since i met him & m sticking to my rules. M constantly giving him a cold shoulder nor m i missing him. I text him wen i feel like n he replies after 2 hours.. I have no interest in knowing wat hes doing n how is he. I just cant tolerate anything abt him now! I cant stand conversations abt anyone in his family either.. be it his kid, wife or siblings! M totaly pissed with him n wana get rid of him as soon as m prepared. I see him as a cancer! I know i wana get rid of it but scared to undergo the therapy, as well as worried abt the repercussions.. this kinda treatment that he has been givin me is only helping me coz i hav more & more reasons to hate him n love my husband more.. everytime he doesnt do anything good for me or makes me feel disrespectful, I remember how my husband makes me feel spcl & goes out of his way to do things for me.. i dnt see any, any reason why i m with this married man!

  • Popo

    OK… Update… Sooo as I finished sending my Day 7 No Contact update here, I look down my phone… There is a whatsapp message from my mm…. ‘What happened to you…hope you are still alive!..’
    I must confess- I was happy-yes happy! Puke! I looked at the message and thought – this is the true test. Its easy saying No Contact when he’s cold….What now….

    Firstly you must know just how much I told this man I loved him. Told him I would leave my husband. I begged for his love. Bought gifts for his children, his mother… I basically lay my heart down and begged him to love me even half the way that I loved him….

    I looked at the message and asked myself the question… What good will come out of me responding. Nothing will change. The same cycle will repeat itself only this time I will say I been in a relationship for 2 more years. No!
    After much contemplation…. I again sat on my hands and begged God to take away the craving…Ladies please be strong. No good comes out of the back and forth contacting. All it does is feed our ego. Feed his ego. Make him hurt us even more. When it’s over its over.
    I ignored it. Still….Day 7 No Contact…

    • HardTime

      I admire you for the NO contact and not replying. I dont know what I would do if Married Man contacted me we are also 7 days NC. Great Job for ignoring it!!

    • Rhea

      Popo,
      I’m proud of you for not responding. You’re right. That’s the true test. I have not reached out but I’ve been dumped and he has made no contact. I thank God for that. It’s a blessing in disguise. It forces me to move forward.
      Sounds like your mm’s ego is bruised. He wants to know why he’s being ignored not whether you’re ok. Keep ignoring him. this is about your survival. Remember all the times he broke your heart.
      Mine dumped me days after we slept together. We didn’t fight. He wanted to work on things at home he said. All lies. I became a burden to him. I looked out my window. Thought about how he must be at a game with his son, enjoying his family. I hope memories of us haunt him and eat his soul. I know what I gave him. I compromised my values for him. I cannot believe that I had an affair with someone’s husband!! I lost respect for myself and he used me and disposed of me. My anger comes and goes. It goes between anger and longing and missing him.

      I’ll make him pay – by staying away. I am confident that he will regret his decision to let me go. I was a gift, a prize to be won. Lightning hardly strikes twice in the same place. He couldn’t really value me because I was too available. But as the months past without me, and as he starts to take other lovers (I know he’ll cheat again even though he says he wants to work on his marriage), he’ll realize what he had. That’s the magic of time. But I don’t ever want him back. Even if it means I have to cut my heart out of my chest!!! When you love someone like that, they should love you back and if they don’t, they’re not worth your time or effort.

    • Popo

      Day 8 No Contact. 1 week!. He sent 2 more messages…3 in total….First said ‘What happened to you -are you still alive ‘ next said ‘I just want to know if you are ok- that’s all’ took looong to open it… Ignored it then immediately followed by ????… Yes four question marks. Daymme, getting aggressive are we??
      Considering this man told me he doesn’t feel the same way and wants to be friends and after I told him I will open my heart and let him go his response was ‘Thank you for understanding’… WTF is he on about…?

      Bottom line is I ignored all 3 messages. I have got to toughen up and take control of my life and take care of my heart. That was no way to live. Being completely possessed by the demons of this affair. I have taken back control. This is on my TERMS now. I won’t help him in his ego games. I am no longer a willing participant. My terms are No Contact. No Contact means No Contact. Even when you think you were dumped it doesn’t matter -its still getting back control.
      I’ll be honest -although it’s not easy ignoring him -it definitely got easier after the 3rd message. Kept asking – what will change. Same answer! Nothing! I have decided that if he sends me one more message I am blocking him.

      I have tried everything ladies before -from phasing him out slowly while getting the fix (still hurt) – pleading for him to try to change, begging, guilt ridden messages (he hated those), even showing him proof I’m leaving my husband.. Nothing worked. Absolutely nothing. I feel better for the first time in 11 months honestly… Free at last! Saw something that said No Contact is like ripping of a band aid, you can do it slow and it hurts longer or you rip it off fast……

      • TryingtoBreakFree

        You a boss…but do you think its easier for you cuz you’re already married? And you have some one to go home to…

      • Rhea

        Popo,
        His ego is bruised. He didn’t message professing his love. He wants to make sure you’re ok?? Keep him wondering. Your dignity is all you’ve got left. There is nothing there for you. Keep being strong.

      • Popo

        TryingtoBreakFree that’s such a good question. I thought about it and you know honestly no. I have gone through worst heartbroken now while married than when I dated before. This was like a divorce. My relationship with mm was passionate. Kissed all the time. Talked all the time. Thought he was my best friend. Hubby and I are friends, respectful, but not as passionate. Hubby could never replace mm.
        However dealing with married men while single might be harder coz those ‘lonely’ moments at night alone-the mental movies will start and you start overthinking, overanalysing…….

    • Angelina

      Popo, way to go girl! Gud u didnt break down, but u stood strong! Rhea is right here, its all about ego issue, they deliberately try to reach us not coz they want to knw abt our well-being but to show how rocking their lives r & hoping we will say ‘i miss u, come back, m devastated’.. good u proved him wrong! I think he wont try to contact u agn n if he does, then he realy wants to satisfy his ego.. i too feel the urge to track him on watsapp, break down in frnt of him, ask him y hes bein so harsh with me n all.. but i wil only prove myself a loser., m trying to b strong n this time, m realy on NO CONTACT MODE!

  • Aria

    He was 13years older than me kind of my first serious relationship.
    The married man used to say he loves me so much but can’t get devours for crap reasons. We were together for 4mounth and he offer me being his business partner which was his way to my world.
    I have a friend for 2years who asked me for marriage and I told him and he went crazy.
    I planed to break up with him in February and in February we had a serious discussion and I do that. I also break our business partnership. And I blocked him.
    It was just LinkedIn which he used to send me something every day or two till I deleted my page there two and I leave every social media too.
    I feel so horrible to let the married man come to my life and tell me all those thing that I can’t even be sure if was truth or lies. And let him ruin all I had and put my self I this depressed mood.
    I feel he won every thing
    I mean I lost my job, the man I think I love, my health,….
    But he has his job, his wife, his….
    It’s not fair….

    • Popo

      I agree Steph. Decided to stop looking at anything to do with him. Whatsapp, Instagram none of it…. I have to protect myself and gain my sanity back. We always hold on to the past as if it had everything we ever wanted. It didn’t. We wouldn’t be here if things were perfect. The mm suddenly looking appealing. Of course he would coz its all in the past now. Hours of tears and disappointment are forgotten.

      I once broke up with my married man at 4 months. He had dumped me coz he said I was a flirt (he’s possesive). Anyway…. I was reading the journal I kept then during my grief. Shocking! The things I was complaining of eg silences, need more responses,he’s got a family already… Everything is EXACTLY what was playing out now at 11 months. Nothing changed. Only more time (7 more months of misery) and more pain. So when I look at that I’m suddenly so clear and realize… It is a 100% pointless going back to him. It will be the same dreams and will wake up one day in a 16 year affair. Honestly guys it seems ridiculous but that how it happens.

      I’m on day 7. No Contact with the married man. Today is the better day. Feel absolutely NOTHING for him. Not anger, not passion… Just peace for me….

  • Stephanie

    And one more thing I want to add for all of us. Only 9 out of 10 married men leave their wives at best. And the only thing I really ended up doing was helping my mm get what he wanted from his wife. Once he told her he had no feelings for her, she started working out with her personal trainer and losing weight, cleaning the house and now is going to go back to work. And of course, she still wants him. Even knowing he was cheating and seeing messages of love from him to me. She told him the kids would call another man daddy and to move out if he didn’t end it immediately. So of course, he ended it with me even though he told me he was getting a divorce and wanted to marry me. On the days where I don’t have forgiveness in my heart, I feel like he owes me something for fixing the issues that he had a problem with in his wife. The only thing is, I don’t believe that he’s really going to be happy. At least we can move on and rebuild our lives. They are stuck in something that wasn’t working for years.

    • Popo

      You are right Steph. He won’t be happy. There is a concept called ‘the third wheel’. The reason why his relationship was functioning was because you ‘the third wheel’ was there providing the balance. In fact the third wheel can even make a marriage even stronger than it was before because then all the things irritating him about the wife become not so irritating because he can just ignore them and take time out with you. And he will always think what he’s doing to her is worse (cheating with us) so he will go out of his way to be accommodating.
      I agree you made his marriage stronger but its temporary because you took a stand to refuse to be used like that… No more! You must want none of it!

  • Stephanie

    Clarification, we were talking and knew each other over 5 months, but the relationship became physical after 1 month and we were intimately involved and even discussing marriage and merging families over 4 months.

  • Stephanie

    Hi. This is my first post. I was reading this faithfully over the past month. My married man broke it off with me once his wife found out. I was already in the process of moving on. I had just created a Match.com account 6 days earlier and was already corresponding with matches. I planned to phase out my relationship with my mm if he didn’t file for divorce. We were together for 4 months and he had me convinced he was going to file for divorce. He had researched apartments and paid the application fee. He told me he wasn’t attracted to his wife anymore–that they had grown apart, he was only staying for the children etc. I didn’t know he was married when we first started talking. I was coming off of a brutal divorce with an emotionally abusive ex-husband and happy to be free when I met my mm. My mm was so loving, kind, and so attracted to me. It felt intoxicating. He said all of the right things–I would be one of the 10% (the statistic of mm that actually leave their wife for the ow) because he was going to get a divorce regardless of me. That he had never wanted another woman like he wanted me.

    My advice, break it off before he does. It feels awful. I felt stupid and used. Like a cliche. But if he breaks it off with you, read Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. It helped me so much. I’m no longer crying everyday. I am moving on. I am dating single men that can actually take me out to dinner. My mm only took me to dinner 3 times in 5 months. It was ridiculous what I was willing to settle for. Yes, there are days when I miss him but because it’s absolutely no contact, the intensity is diminishing. I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel happy most days and I love dating men that want to be seen with me. I’m not going to have sex until I’m in a committed relationship and am setting healthy boundaries. That book has really helped. I’m happy to email any of you that need it. The relationship ended 2/25/17. I started to feel like life had color again 3 weeks ago. The relationship lasted 5 months. It’s possible to move on. And it feels so much better.

  • Clair

    This Tuesday was Day 5 with no contact with the married man and I had unfollowed him on all social media that day. That night I got on one of my accounts and saw where he tried to start following me again and I immediately got a sick feeling. Not 10 min later He text me. Asked me what I was doing and then said I’m sorry I shouldn’t have texted. I said it’s been a week since we’ve talked last so what is it?? He said he just needed to know I was ok. That he had listened to a couple of songs that were mine and his when we were together and he feels horrible for how he treated me the last few weeks while we were together. I said well are you ok?? He said no and that he misses me and still wants me blah blah blah. I said well no I’m not ok and I miss you to but your the one that wanted this and I’ve been giving that to you. Well of course we talked for awhile after that but I’m still guarded and I really don’t know what this means. I texted him Thursday and asked did he regret messaging me and he said no and said that wasn’t enough for him that he needed to see me. Then told me to have a good night. Well then yesterday i told him I missed him and called him babe and I said was that ok that I said that and he said yes. I told him I was sorry for texting and he said don’t apologize it’s ok and then I said I don’t know how to be with you now. Should I act like I could care less if I talk to you and wait on you to text me or what and I never got a response back! See I get better and he tries to sneak his way back in! No I’ve been upset wondering why he didn’t text me back when a few days ago I could of cared less if I ever spoke to him again.

    • Popo

      Its the same cycle repeating itself Clair. On and off… On and off……on and off…. Don’t feel bad that you responded and he’s back to his ways. This is what we need to be strong. Sometimes they catch is when our guard is down….
      At some point though…you will be completely and emotionally exhausted from all of this back and forth… They say help comes when we are ready to receive it…..

      • Clair

        Exactly! I still haven’t talked to him and i don’t know when I will again. We’ve done this so many times in the last two years and each time when it’s him coming back he’s sweet and says what I need to hear and then he’s back to not talking to me. Tells me he missed me but his actions don’t show that. I guatrantee if I text him first he’ll be shady but if I wait for him to text me he’ll be laying it on thick . And that’s the thing, each time we end it and I get to where I’m good there he is again.

  • Popo

    Day 5-No contact. I’m crumbling…. Went on Whatsapp and looked at his picture for long. Kept zooming into his eyes. He was online the whole time. Couldn’t help but think…. Who is he chatting to??? He has a new picture and he looks super yummy. A part of me wanted to do an accidental dial. I didn’t. I won’t. I miss him but when I break down what I actually miss realize I don’t miss the long silences, always so scared that he will leave, actively searching for interesting topics of discussion, being ignored, tiptoeing around him, begging him to tell me he loves me…I realise that I always had a permanent pain in my stomach…. Taking it minute by minute… Some days are better… Today isn’t one of the better days 😪

  • Angelina

    Journaling has really been helpful for me, so wenever m depressed i come to this forum n jot it down.. guess wat girls? I agn patched up with the married man! I realised that i might try to b strong n all, but i cant! Hes controlling my life totaly! I dnt know how to disconnect myself from him! Its just not possible!! I was falling deeper & deeper in trauma.. i hav no choice but to b with him! But this time m gona play differently.. i wil trt to detach myself from him, but slowly & in phases.. its not possible to cut sumone off ur life suddenly so i wil do it as per my convenience.. thr r a few rules i hav set for myself:
    1. I wont ignore my husband or home for him. My husband will be my priority! No more risk-taking for this man.
    2. I will fight the addiction & urge to talk to the married man.
    3. I wont interfere in his family life. Let him f**k his wife or any woman for that matter.
    4. I wont go out of my way to make him feel spcl. Nor wil i buy him any presents or waste a single dollar on him. Why shud i, if i never got even a chocolate from him!
    5. I wil not compete with his wife. I know i stand far above her n i dnt wana degrade myself by comparing myself with her!
    6. I wont b madly in love with the mm anymore! Hes not a marriage material for sure. Its his wife’s bad luck that he belongs to her so let her suffer while I enjoy the show!
    7. I wil try as much as possible to distance myself from him.
    8. I wil pray to god everyday to erase him frm my heart n mind so that i can end it with my wen I want!

    • Popo

      Angelina wishing you the best. You are right….Do it when you feel that you are ready… True, cutting him off cold turkey is hard. But at least you still have a choice in this… What if the married man wakes up and says he doesn’t feel the same way anymore? You will only be left with one choice -to let go. Maybe it won’t get there…..Will be thinking and praying for you…

      • Angelina

        Thanks Popo! Yes thats wat i fear the most! Wat if he ends it with me? More than anything it wil b my ego that wil b hurt the most! N if his wife gets to knw, he wont think even for a minute before ending it with me.. thr wil b a lot of melodrama n all, she might reach out to my husband also. I wil b the bad woman here & the husband-wife will work things out amongst themselves .. but i know my husband, he wont giv ME another chance. We dont even hav kids so that we can compromise for the sake of kids.. so yes, I have put myself in deep, deep shit! Thats y i say, the only way out of the mess is not to get into the mess itself! Now i cant do without him, as well as with him. Guess wat, m in his city since 3 days n i came only to meet him but he tuk out time to meet me today, after 3 days! We had been fighting all this while but if he realy wanted to meet me he wud hav taken efforts. It was irritating, his wife kept calling him n he seemed to b in rush, his kid was askin for him & he had to go grocery shopping with the wife. As if the house wont let function without him being out for a few hours! M leavin tmrw n he cant take out time to drop me to the airport or even meet me for an hour for that matter! Its so damn annoying… like rhea said, if sumone wants u, he wil do anything to reach out to u. i felt today wen i met him, i didnt feel excited the way i used to for him as always.. it was like a pretty ok kinda feeling.. i didnt carry any gift for him or his kid as i wud always.. i was pretty ok wen he left n didnt miss him. I hav put my phone aside n m not textin him… nor m i waiting for his msg.. i think the signs r gud n m takin the 1st step towards movin away from him. I sersly feel this man doesn’t deserv my love or attention.. m trying to maintain a distance. As i said, i hav my rule book n i wil abide by that.. i dnt need to carry his emotional bagge with myself either, let his wife do that..

  • Tara

    So i spent almost ten years to the day with a married man i thought i truly loved and wanted im sure ive got to be one of the biggest fools but im trying to forgive myself for that.. i had so much proof and his wife and i had spoken many times.. it was almost as if she tolerated it.. probably because she got the main part of him anyway.. its been 1 day and he textd and called me yesterday.. i told him i was done and not to contact me.. we’ve broken up hundreds of times so i dont know if he takes me seriously.. i dont know if i do but i know i want and deserve better. Im using all this extra time i wasted on me now instead of spending all my energy on him

    • Angelina

      10 years??? Its difficult to even imagine wat u must b goin through!! How did u get the strength to handle it for 10 years?? N wat do u do to fill the void that he must hav created within u? Wat caused u to break up with him now? U r a source of inspiration for many of us who r scared to breakup coz of the after effects.. its like an addict going through rehab & detox..

    • Kelly

      I know exactly what you are going through. I was seven years, stopped for seven years and went back again. It’s a hard cycle to break. I know my married man is ultimately a coward and he’s worried about losing his money but I can’t seem to end it. He lives 13 hours away so it’s not like we see each other all that often. He rarely sees his wife since she lives in a different state. This type of relationship is hard on the self esteem. I need to find strength to move on. He’s 16 years older then me. When I did see him again after 7 years I noticed he had aged a lot. He’s 61. Do I really want to hang out for anothe 7 years. Not really. I feel like I’m giving up the best years of my life!

  • Angelina

    I hate myself! Same blunder agn 🙁 i fell weak n breathless the whole day, just like an addict feels without his drug! N i gave up!! 😩😩 i again msgd him.. i sent him hate u msgs but y shud i even do that! Wen i had taken an oath of cutting off with him completely.. now i feel i shudnt hav… coz he was ok not talkin to me all this while ! It didnt even go in a positive direction coz agn the blame game! N thn askin him where i stand viz a viz the wife! Jesus!! Y the same mistake n how to avoid it?? My last msg to him agn was “this is my last msg n dnt contact me henceforth ” hope I dnt fall weak agn! Plz help me ladies!!!

    • Rhea

      Angelina,

      You fell down but now you get back up and start over again. I know my friend how hard it is. This is a drug and we are addicts wanting the next fix. I fight myself all day. You have to fight it. When the urge comes, cry, do something else but DO NOT contact. Come here and write. Let someone talk you off the ledge. There is nothing there for you. If these men wanted us, they would have reached out. It is really really very simple. In my past, the men who wanted me, searched for me, came back to me, sent me flowers, went to great lengths to get me back. The men who didn’t want me, didn’t look back. If a man wants you, nothing and no one will stand in his way!!

      So, you screwed up. Tomorrow is another day and the beautiful thing about new days is that you get to start over my friend. Don’t worry about where you stand in relation to the wife. I’m going to be blunt. You have no standing and I don’t either. I was never even in the running! There was no competition. I was not competing with her. He was never going to leave her for me. Ever! I am married. My husband has cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend (that’s what contributed to me cheating – I was devastated and vulnerable). At the end of it all, I don’t believe that my husband would have ever left me for her. She was never even competing. I am the wife, the mother of his children, the woman who he respects. This is the truth. This is how these men think. They think with their penises and their brain but never ever with their hearts!!!

      • lltcomet

        Angelina don’t beat yourself up too much! It takes all of us a ridiculous amount of time to really understand the games of being with a married man. I learned if I reject him, he will try to move on to another woman quickly so he does not have to feel any blow to his ego. But I go back, he will think he now “has” me and he will treat me like crap all over again because I “came back.” It is never ever resolved and the relationship never ever gets better! It is a vicious cycle. The only way I could finally leave the married man this current time was to say to him, “Look we have all this history together and I do have very deep feelings for you but I am no longer okay with our arrangement. I can no longer do this to your wife either. When you get single, give me a call if you want.” This is kind of BS because I really don’t know if I ever want to take him back at all. I am so disgusted with the BOTH of us at this point. But because I still feel like I love him so much (or I am so addicted to him or whatever this feeling is) I had to still leave the door a tiny bit open. I have been flip flopping all week whether to block his number or not. (It usually never works because he will call me from another number.) And then he will tell me how awful I am to do such a thing (block his number) Then I’ll feel ashamed of my behavior take him back and get hurt all over again. Sound familiar? The married man in my life knows that “NO” rarely means “NO with me (at least from my past behavior with him) . But when he reaches out (fishing to see if I a want him back again) my plan is this: I will say, “I have been thinking and I have decided that for the sake of my personal sanity I think it is best if we do not speak.” I have to do it in ‘baby steps’.
        I can’t say the “forever” word (I can not say I will never speak to you again ever ) but I CAN say I need my own quiet time and space away from this mess. And he can not say anything back! And as I buy my time away from him I know for a fact I can and I will get stronger and stronger and so then one day I will be able to “NO” and mean it! In the meantime I am working with a therapist and writing in my journal. I need to understand why I have been so willing to settle with crumbs and why I have been so willing to help another man lie to his wife. I am an attractive and successful single woman but this behavior of mine is very self-destructive and only I can fix this part. (He can never fix this part of me). I know the answer is partly this: This is an addiction for real.

    • Anne

      Angelina, I almost did what you did, just this evening when his text came thru to inform me of how rough a day he was having at his Dads funeral 🙁 of all the times in the world that I shud have replied I literally had to just sit on my hands basically and if I can NOT respond on such an important day in his life I’m hoping I can continue to break right away again now.. like you only day 4 too.. don’t beat yourself up over it though hun and just start your no contact again, but be stricter on yourself this time and make it a 60 day one as opposed to a 30 day one, as quite recently a psychologist told me that in order to break any habit in life it takes at least 50 days.. food for thought.. take care x

      • Angelina

        Hey Rhea & Anne, Agree with both of u! Thank u so much! M tryin to stay strong n its really difficult. I told the married man yesterday i wish i wer like u, heartless & unaffected, wud hav been easy for me to move on, like u hav. I didn’t even get a reply frn him wen i told him this is my last msg n m deleting ur no. Its been almost a day! U r so true, if he realy had any soft corner for me or for that matter wanted to be in touch, he wud make efforts! Imagin, if the same his wife wud hav said, he wud do anything to call her or convince her! He told me he had cheated on his wife before, it was a one night stand n he was drunk (that too wen the wife was expecting, horrible!!!). He had confessed it to his wife & she had forgiven him. This shows he has a tendency to cheat.. he cheated on her before, then cheated on her with me, n will ofcourse cheat on both of us for other women! Thr wer talks abt him havn an affair with another woman at out workplace, but he assured me that it was false n I believed him, but now I think it might b true!!
        As is the case with most of us, the married men will never say clearly he doesnt want to b with u anymore cos they want to keep us hanging! They like tryin diff flavours n want it to b readily available wen they r bored of their wives. Wish he had never come into my life, he disturbed it totally! My marriage, worklife, mental peace, health, emotions, sex life, everything has been affected!! I cant sleep or eat properly, i wake up at random hours n feel restless, m losing more n more weight everyday, i feel weak frm within.. i hav accepted my condition today as my own karma. Its gods way of doing justice. Am on my journey to this 60 day – no contact challenge & i wish to succeed. The ultimate slap on the married man’s face wud b wen i leave his city without even meeting him once! I hope sumday down the line he will regret losing me & wud want me back in his life, n i will get my revenge!

      • Angelina

        Also want to mention here, during initial days of our ‘relationship’, if we would fight or i wud refuse to talk to him, he wud make back to back efforts to try to convince me. He wud go crazy with calls n texts.. but last few months have been like.. hes just ok with no contact n thn i myself start sendin him hate u msgs n thn he replies with love u n all n thn we r good agn!! I think he knws theres no survival for me without him n eventually i wil come back.. he has too much ego n his ego gets satisfaction wenever i sent him any, any msg.. even if its about hating him! Coz that proves that m weak n cant stay away from him! Now he just allows me to b & is ok with not talking for days..he waits for me to come to my normal self.. thatways he can avoid all melodrama n my baggage n can get to enjoy the fruit aka only the good part.. but this time I wil prove him wrong.. i wil show him i can giv him bak exactly wat he has been givin me.. m in so so so much stress, cant even tel u! M afraid i wil land up in a hospital very soon! Wish i had got so sersly involved in a relationship which actually had any destination! Wish i had only seen him as how he saw me always, that is like a filler! Wish i had also seen him as a sex buddy like he saw me.. wish i cud also switch off the way he did.. he always knew i was temporary so never had any feelings or attachment towards me. I read a psychiatrist’s article that said unlike women, men can easily have sex without gettin emotional or havin any sort of feelings for the other person. Dnt knw wat gave me the illusion that hes not like that! With time his true colors surfaced! I feel angry at myself for even thinkin abt him.. its only my husband who deserves all my smiles, tears, joy, n even my anger for that matter! I shud b totally neutral towards that man.. i hate myself for falling weak all the time! 😩😩

    • Popo

      Its fine Angelina. Its not about how many times you fall…pick yourself up and start again. You will see that each time it happens and you begin to get stronger. It’s already a turning point in your favour. Now you are more aware. Keep trying. No Contact is the only way you can regain your life back. The fact that you tried and fell off the wagon shows that you already have one foot on the right path. Keep trying….I’m on Day 5 NC…

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    Sigh….ladies i thought i was set free….but im not…i had three bottles of wine yesterday…yes 3! I regret it cuz now I feel so sick and depressed….I text him after 4 days of no contact…smh…silly me…my drunkeness lead me to do that…i swear alcohol.is a demon that has me trapped…

    • Rhea

      TryingtoBreakFree,

      I find that alcohol makes you feel worse about the whole thing so I’ve been trying not to drink that much when alone. Alcohol does not make you forget. It appears to bring the pain to the surface. It is a depressant after all.

    • Anne

      hey there, weve all been there, I was right where you were only last weekend too, its hard but yes you do get thru it in the end.. just be kind to yourself now, it happens, you will move on now.. have faith x

    • Hard time

      be strong and try again. I have been so tempted and on day 4 i dont know how i will get through this but we have to stay strong. Before I told my married man no contact he told me he want to talk to me about his work and something that happened I am so tempted to text him and ask him about it, But we have to be strong it is very very hard!!!

  • Aria

    Hi
    I feel I need to know if you have this feeling too:
    Disappointment.
    I really fell empty and disappointed.
    I did believe in God at the beginning sometimes I visper to him
    Show me the sign or help me
    But one day I find my self so angry yelling at him so where are you if you even existed? Why your doing nothing? Where is your justice?
    And then I never talk to God or think of him again.
    I feel really alone. Really.
    Is that even real? That they will see what they done to us?
    Is there anyone who have this experience that her married man saw the results of his actions?
    Sometimes I feel like those justice and karma thing we use to say Is not really exist.
    I don’t know.
    I feel terrible today.
    Isn’t it crazy that some one can came to your life and explode every thing you have and cause you so much pain and you just CANT Do ANYTHING. I MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL.

    • Patty

      I’m sorry but it takes two. You can’t blame god or karma for something you willingly took part of. I struggle with the ‘why’ also, but have come to realize I’m just as much to blame for what I’m going thru.

  • Angelina

    Its day 3 and m abiding by my decision. I feel so proud of myself. Thr was a time wen i used to crave for him & his time but now i dont need him. Today the married man msgd me saying he wants to meet but i gave him a cold shoulder n i dnt wana meet him.. all i feel for him now is hatred & nuthn else. He made it easier for me with his behaviour & words, i dnt regret losing him or feel the pain of not havin him in my life. I try to hate him more each passing day. Wenever i feel weak, I remember him being with his wife n it eases my pain. He truly deserves her & not me. I pray to lord to give me the strength to move on & keep me strong. I dnt wana look back agn now. At least not for the kind of treatment that he gave me!

  • Rhea

    Its 7 weeks since my married man and I have spoken. As if we never existed, he is able to move on from me. The coldness is staggering. I have stuck to my guns. I have not reached out but there are times, when I sit and think and I miss him. I am frustrated with myself. The pain is all so real and so present – all the time. It is getting better but the process is so slow. I am grateful that I don’t have to wait anymore for a text from him.

    If I reach out, there are a whole bunch of ways this could play out but what won’t happen is that he will not profess his love for me. Most likely, he won’t answer and he’ll be able to tell that I reached out. Even if I block my number, he’ll suspect that its me. And that will make his ego grow even bigger. If he does answer, he’ll probably be brief with me and leave me hanging. He used to do that when we dated. So I will be be left like a fool. If we ever speak again, I want it to be where I am fully healed and where I have no interest in being with him.

    We made so many memories together. I can’t seem to escape them. But I must!! My sanity and my survival depends on it. You see, I made a poor poor choice by deciding to have this affair and be letting it carry on for a year. So now, this is the consequence. Inner turmoil! I have to fill the hole that he left. ill it with other things. And I do. I do all kinds of things, but like a cancer, I carry him with me. How I wish I can cut him out from my soul. Free myself of this torture.

    I’ve tried to be more pleasant to my husband. I have initiated sex. But I lie there, lie a zombie and ache for my ex. I tell myself to keep going, keep initiating sex, keep communicating with my husband, keep working on my marriage. I go out with my friends, I go to the gym, I work. But deep in my soul is a heavy sadness. I hate him and I love him. He used me for his entertainment. And I was so vulnerable, that it was the perfect storm. And he discarded me, like garbage, when he had his fill.

    • lltcomet

      Rhea I completely understand your pain. I have been there. I know the coldness you are talking about. You must not reach out. It will harm you more. I know how painful it is. I am right there with you. He sounds like the very same married man I was in an affair with too. There are intense psychological and sexual and emotional games beneath tall he coldness believe me. This man is probably “unavailable” whether he is married or not. In fact I think so many people hide in their marriages. (I say this as a single woman). The marriage is always the excuse for the coldness and terrible abandonment and awful behavior. And the marriage is the excuse for the “cheating.” I have a feeling many of these men are hiding in what they call “unhappy marriages”. We women must get out because we are enablers when we are with them. We make their lies and bad behavior even more possible. And then we become the victims of all this negative behavior! They will suck the life out of us and rob us of any joy in life. This is not love. Celebrate your marriage and try to understand the forces that led you to the affair. But whatever you do, do not reach back out to the married man. You will get badly burned I promise you. I have done it myself many times before. I have gotten so burned I have hit the bottom emotionally. Now I have lit myself a candle, and I trying to let go and let God/dess. Because like any addiction, I am powerless over the married man. Go over to ‘go ask suzie’ dot com on the internet for some of the best help out there for people in our situation. Good luck! I am sending hugs to you. Try to hug yourself too!

      • Rhea

        IItcomet,

        Thank you for the encouragement. Yes, some men are “unavailable.” I remember when we had a fight, he insisted on ending our date; he always wanted to run away. I asked him if that’s his approach with his wife. Does he always sweep everything under the rug. I grew tired of his aloofness. One day he couldn’t get enough of me and after he’s had me, he pulls away. Who needs that kind of crumbs? I am not in any way a desperate woman. I am attractive, I have lots of friends and a career and children. I don’t need his garbage.
        I am trying to fill the hole with other activities.

    • Popo

      Rhea,
      Sounds like you are describing my relationship with my married man. Seriously! Day 4 of no contact. I know it won’t change. 11 months of my life-all meant nothing. The way you describe him Rhea – he really sounds like a narcissist. The fuel he gets from us by being cold. The silent treatment is a way of punishment. The Narcissist always needs us to beg- so guaranteed he is also suffering. I am reading a book now… ‘When love is a lie’ by Zari L Ballard. Please read it. Goshh you will start laughing and see through all the madness. Don’t feel like you are carrying a heavy burden around. Celebrate the fact that you have been set free from a narcissist. The sex with hubby will take time. Do not put yourself under pressure by over- initiating sex. Then its too much pressure. Just have good conversations and each day write what you appreciate about him. 7 weeks and counting…. One day you will wake up Rhea and realize that you are no longer counting…. Sending you love and hugs❤️

      • Rhea

        Thank you Popo. You are right to say that I should focus on communicating with my husband. There are some days when I am so strong and other days when I crumble. The mm didn’t deserve my love. Did his wife become sexy and alluring all of a sudden? Does she now call him baby, love and darling? I don’t think so. I think that he found another victim.
        I won’t feed his ego. I want him to suffer. I hope he lies in bed and aches for me.

  • Clair

    Day 5 with no contact and I honestly haven’t wanted to talk to him. The thought of him right now makes me nauseous and mad and I can’t stand the sight of his wife either. She makes me nauseous and mad to. They deserve each other. She’s mean and a you know what and he doesn’t respect her and most women in general. He hasn’t reached out to me either and I’m ok with that. A part of me wants him to just so I can show him how over him I am but I’ve never not texted him this long and I’m proud of myself. I’ve always been the one to run back or convince him to take me back but just remembering the last few weeks how he treated me has really helped me not to contact him. I have no plans to contact him. He doesn’t deserve to be happy and be “ok” but i can’t do anything about that. All I can do is worry about me. I have deleted him from all social media cause the less I know the better. I don’t want to know anything that he’s doing. Looking bad I don’t know what I saw I him. I guess the excitement and something different. He can honestly fall off the face of the earth and I don’t think I would even flinch.

    • lltcomet

      Claire you sound so strong! I am inspired by you! I have been feeling like if the married man in my life stubbed and broke his toe all I would do is laugh! I know it sounds mean but this man has taken me through the wash-rinse-spin cycle one too many times.

      • Clair

        Thank you! It’s took me 2 years to get to this point. Every time he would end it, it made me stronger each time I think and this last time just did me in. I really saw his true colors and I realized that I would not want to be married to someone like him. I just see bits and pieces of him and if I knew the real him I’m sure I would not like it. He’s a freak and a loser. My husband is 10 times the man he’ll ever be and I’m just the idiot that that has took my husband for granted the past two years. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that while the other one can go jump off a cliff.

    • Angelina

      I too get nauseous wen i think about him n his wife! I cant bear the sight of her either!! She is so so so bad looking! Dnt knw wat he sees in her.. i have not been keeping wel since 2 days, i even told him this, but that horrible man didn’t care to ask me the whole day how i was feeling.. one wud not do this to his enemy also, out of humanity we even ask our enemy if they r keeping well. Hes the worst human being in the history of mankind! m on the verge of a nervous breakdown.. i keep crying all the time n randomly break into tears! While hes happily hiding in between his wife’s legs! N then he says he LOVES me! Gosh, i just hate him n his wife! They make the ugliest couple!!

      • Clair

        What really pushed me over the edge was a week prior to us ending it, my son had his tonsils and adenoids removed. He knew how nervous I was and even saw him the day before his surgery and all he said was everything will be ok. The day of the surgery I didn’t hear one word from him. I finally texted him and said everything went ok. Even the days following he never asked how my son was doing or even how I was doing knowing how little sleep I was getting. I mean like he didn’t care one bit. That’s what really started showing me how little he cared. And yes his wife is not attractive and I don’t know what he sees in her cause she is not a nice person. Me and her are total opposites and I used to be jealous of her cause she got to have him anytime she wanted but now I say she can have him!

      • lltcomet

        Angelina I get it. I saw a pic on Facebook of the married man with his wife on Valentines Day. They looked totally happy and she had drawn red hearts all over the image of the two of them sitting really closely at a restaurant with her hand on his knee. UGH! It felt like a knife went through my heart. I got so nauseous that I threw up. So this was the “unhappy marriage” he was complaining about? GRRRRR But ever since then I have also been MAD. That picture really was the wake up call for me. I got the image and I have it on my computer for when I get tempted to reach out to that scumbag. Even if that image was pure bullsh-t I realized the MM was always going to play at being “the happily married man for his own ego. And woe to any female in his life either his wife or me the affair partner! I told him he on numerous occasions “I don’t get it. You and your wife seem happy together? Help me to understand you. Why do you think you need an affair with me?” He said about the relationship with his wife: “All that glitters is not gold!” HA!
        Guess what? I was so gullible to believe that crap. The married man is always going to want to have his cake and eat it too as I long as he can find a gullible woman like me to enable his fantasies. I so wish I could tell her sometimes but everything I have read says NOT to do this for a variety of reasons. Better just to close the door forever and walk away with my head held high. Farewell my fake ‘friend’!

  • Popo

    I AM SO MAD… Found out (through some social media investigations) that my married man dated a young 23 year old for 7 years until she was 30. It ended in 2015. We started our relationship in May 2016. I knew about the 7 year relationship but not that she was that young. He lied to me that she was the same age as me. I am 4 years older than her. He was 9 years older than her. Puke. She was a child who worked for him and he took advantage.
    I almost sent a text in rage. Then remembered… Its just my ego. What good will possibly come out of me texting or letting him know that I know.

    First rule of the ego is never deceive yourself second rule is; you are the easiest person to deceive. Because we can’t justify it to ourselves, the mind finds reasons – oh I am contacting him because of xxx. There will always be reasons.

    Again… I sat on my hands and asked God to take the craving away… Still counting. Day 2 No Contact. The first days are the hardest. It gets easier ladies…..

      • lltcomet

        indeed, yes they lie as a way of life. Imagine that poor girl: 7 years, her best years to find a mate (the 20’s) wasted with a lying married man. Popo you are lucky and very smart to cut it short so much sooner!

  • lltcomet

    I have been on the “married man” train off and on with the same guy for many years. What do I have to show for my efforts, my loyalty? Nada. I finally realized my MM was treating me the same exact way he has always been treating his wife: Like crap!! He is an unkind and selfish man to women. Period. I was always ready to be there for him to help him make for himself and for his odd choices and behaviors. (I was a co-dependent) And I always thought what we had was somehow “different” than what he had at home with his wife. But that was all a lie.
    She probably works her ass off to please him for all I know. But for this man, there is never enough love, never enough attention, never enough adulation, never enough sex. I could not see this clearly before because I was so “mesmerized” and hypnotized” by him and by our brief times together. I thought we had something so beautiful and so special. Nope. I have crash landed into reality but I am grateful to finally see the truth. My MM is not the “victim” of a “so-so” marriage and an “inattentive” wife. That was a flat out lie or exaggeration at best. Why I chose to believe this lie and why I chose to see him as a victim (and to “help” him) and our is something I am still working out. For one I am on the gullible side; for two, I believe he is a classic narcissist and super charming when he wants to be. And he is a great liar. But, no matter really. What matters now is I stay must away from him. I must continue to see the truth for what it is. He says he wants me “around” but that actually means for the possibility of sex and no other reason. This is a red flag. No can do. I now think that any man who can straight up lie to his woman at home is bad news. I no longer care if they argue or not, make love or not, celebrate Valentine’s Day together or not because he is showing me clearly he is a good liar. He looks another woman straight in the eye and lies. And his “life partner” no less. This is a huge red flag and I realize I missed it. I wish I had never participated in this lie to myself and to another woman. But no more!

  • Anne

    Well here I am again, sounding like a broken down record at this stage, but even though it is and has been only online, bar meeting once a year for last two years, I have finally broken the contact and at a very difficult time too for him.. he continues to contact me once or twice a week with the usual text on how beautiful I am to him and how he misses me etc etc etc… I was getting stronger by the weeks and then wham.. he text me to let me know his Dad had just passed away, and I automatically got completely and utterly sucked right back in again, only to be hung up on and literally blanked the following day… strange thing is he wanted for me to go and meet him, even knowing I had a few beers on me and didn’t even care that I could have crashed driving long distance to see him at an ungodly hour of the night too.. when am I going to learn? I told him that I am sorry and that I apologise to him and I apologise to God for having any contact with him knowing full well he is married and that I am not ending all contact for us both to get on with our lives.. I know full well I will get responses and feel bad for him that I’m not there for him, on the days leading up to his Dads funeral.. but shudnt it be his Wife that he should be confiding in and being consoled by.. he does not say anything bad about her either and they have a small child too. He keeps on asking me if I am worth it to walk away from his marriage and I cannot answer that nor would I… he says he even told his Dad about me a few weeks ago when they were having a heart to heart and his sister and brother also.. this made me feel uncomfortable as if it leaked out we were talking his Wife would end up finding out.. please any amount of advice would really help me right now, I really need it, thanks. PS this is not the first time Ive cut contact I do it all the time.. is it a habbit? do I really love him? or is it all just one big fantasy? as I’m separated only 16 months now, my choice was not happy.. please any advice welcome. and WHY can I not just block him?

    • hardtime

      I tried cutting contact but everytime he sucked me back in cause i could not bring myself to block him. This Sunday i dont know what got into me but I finally said dont contact me for 30 days. With in a few mins he messaged me back the word “done” and blocked me off facebook. That hurt me. I am still hurt but when the time come you will be able to block him if you get the strength do it at the moment. I was lucky enough i had confided in a friend and when I was about to send the message I called her and she was on the phone with me the whole time. This I have wonted to do since January and just got the strength this Sunday. You will do it when your ready but the sooner the better. I am here if you need to talk

      • Anne

        Hi hardtime! and thanx for your support I really appreciate and very well done on blocking him. I’m also now on day 2 of no contact yet again. I’ve blocked him, unfriended him, deleted him from phone and deleted the apps from phone etc numerous time over the past year or so but always cave in in the end and unblock him, re add to phone etc. I’m also the only one ever to cut ties and have even managed 2 months at a time a couple of times now. I just need to keep the momentum going now as it’s literally driving me crazy having to check my phone every five mins for updates that are obviously just a fantasy for him anyway. These married men treat us as their fantasy and we serve one purpose only and that is to massage their egos. Shame on them and furthermore shame on us for even allowing them! We are not showing our self worth at all when we really should be just walking away from these rats with our heads held high with self respect!! That’s where I’m headed for now, who cares to join me?

    • Angelina

      Anne, I can totally understand wat u r going through coz m in the same ship as u! I keep having these roundabouts with this married man.. but trust me, we as women r too emotional n giv them all the love, attention, care, trust, (and even gifts) more than wat they deserve! N wat do we get in return? Only pain, jealousy, insecurity, torture, n as sum1 here rightly said, crumbs! Thats the case with ur guy as well, u giv him attention n that boosts his ego so thats y he doesnt want to let u go. But at the same time for emotional support n social security he needs his wife as wel! Trust me, hes never gona disturb his family for u no matter watevee he says to u! I hav been experiencing all this, so can understand clearly..my mm doesnt say anythin bad abt his wife either n wen i say anythn agnst her he cant listen to it! On the contrary he starts fighting with me n tel me to show respect towards her! How does he expect me to respect her wen he’s direspecting her by havin an affair, n am helping him in that!! He says that he has kept that life SEPARATE! He tells me that he doesn’t want us to disturb our families n yet be together!! I dnt think this is EVER EVER possible.. men can be ok with this kind of arrangement but women r emotional, possesive, attached, n not happy with the idea of the one who they love goin to another women everyday., dnt think abt wat all u miss abt him, but just remember the times u felt insulted or ill-treated.. hatred makes it easier to move n dats wat m doin., i try to hate him more each day & only think abt the times wen i was alone n he was havin a nice romantic night with his wife! Since u r the one who ended with him, u hav an upper hand here, its better than he dumping u! Just b firm on ur decision n wait for the guy who’s ready to commit to u in long term!

      • Anne

        Hi Angelina thanx for your reply. I agree with every single word you say. Sometimes I feel I’m actually in a trans when I get sucked back into his nonsense again but it is as you put it a merry go round that we are on. I am no longer going to allow myself to be treated like thus plus I revalue my morals too. I have actually said sorry to him and to God for ever getting involved on any level with a married man at all. Let’s hope now this is the end of it and the beginning of a well awaited fresh start for all of us on here. This site is really helping so much. Thanx ladies. Wish you well x

    • Aria

      Anne,
      Just block him. Married men will come back to you if you let them cause it’s just a game for them. Just another taste to have.
      Let your self free

  • Shiv

    Hi All,
    It’s been a few days since I left a post and I really thought the dynamic with my married man had changed.. Over a week ago I had it out with him over how bad he had previously treated me and he apologised and promised things would change and that he had seen the error of his ways etc etc .. so he actually was great for nearly over a week calling everyday , messaging me telling me he loved me this was also a time when he was either at work and his wife was at work . But promise he would make a greater effort at home even just to send the odd text because we used to be in constant contact before his wife previously found out about us … she now thinks it’s completely over between us and we haven’t spoken in months .. but anyways the other night I didn’t get a message off him and then next day he was really odd and said he needed to talk to me on the phone … he explained that his wife’s family had surprised him and his wife with a vacation overseas…. I do doubt this because firstly it’s a very expensive holiday for a family member to pay for and I don’t think you would just spring this on someone. My initial reaction of course was upset and jealousy because I want to be the one going on a holiday like that… but worst of all he was like it will be hard to contact … now my thoughts on this if you care enough and if he truly loves me even if it’s hard he will .. he promised to message everyday he is gone for 10 but I cannot reply and one call … but like eveyother promise I believe for now because I want to believe so much he will do that while he is away but I know there will be disappointment and excuses why he couldn’t contact like he said he could .. and I also failed to mention just last week he needed to borrow some money because his car broke down and yes I gave it to him but deep down I don’t think his car broke down I think I subsidised his first week of holidays because i know he gets paid next week..why when I know all this can’t I let go ..I am so low at the moment … i definitely have more bad days then good due to this relationship… but it’s like I’m addicted to the high even though there is very few …I want to say it’s done but I don’t have to strength to walk away … or if I said it was done I would want him to fight to get me back but I don’t think he would … I known actions speak louder than words …’I just want him to make me happy … not because i ask him to but because I matter…!but I’m feeling very doubtful that I actually mean anything to him at all at the moment because we had a big fight before he left and I’m so low … I hate that he has this power over me … I keep reading some of your comments over and over to find strength from them but any other advice would help so much .

  • Popo

    Ladies. Thanks for sharing your stories.
    I’m struggling today. After a few weeks of knowing for sure we are headed for the end- I think its finally here. But I’m scared to let go – I can’t. Don’t know why.
    We were chatting yesterday and suddenly he says hmmm not feeling your chats today. He then says things have changed he doesn’t wake up looking forward to my messages he replies only to avoid further questions or begrudgingly so. I asked him… ‘How come things are perfect in person and when we make love ‘ He says its true he still feels the same in person he doesn’t know what happened.
    I have been going through the painful addiction cycle with him…Attraction-Satisfaction-Rejection-Begging-Reconcilation. Emotionally, I am so tired of fighting for him. He broke up with me so many times, one time he said I’m a flirt, another I’m lying to him about not sleeping with my husband (i was), he doesn’t trust me….

    I told him I’m addicted to him he said no its not an addiction its a habit. Huh
    So he basically said he wants friendship with me not a love relationship. He can’t let go coz he loves our friendship. He wants a relationship he says we talk when we do and when we don’t talk we don’t. I remembered Rheas line here and told him that I’m going to open my hand release you and let you fly away unscathed while my heart bleeds. He said thanks for understanding. Imagine -no begging nothing.
    Then after an hour went back and said to him I’m willing to try that ‘no expectations’ arrangement. He always says I am too needy. He says his wife and people that have known him for years understand that he is an introvert and doesn’t like talking or replying to messages all the time. He gets his energy from internal not from other people like me. I said to him I can tone back and give it a try. I however kept thinking – I would also understand and would not care about you not responding or introverted if you were my husband.. Besides, he once gave me so much more when we started 11 months ago. He didn’t reply. I said I would try and tone back because was thinking… I do that then hurt him instead. Get pregnant with my husbands child (through ivf). Husband and I also have a holiday coming up…. Don’t know why that is so important to me. Why can’t
    This man has robbed me of my life the last 11 months. I’m ALWAYS thinking of him. I am no fun to my friends, family even my daughter. All I think of is him. All I want to talk to is him. I’m always so grumpy. The only time I’m happy is right after I’ve spoken to him or right after I’ve seen him. In between I’m either upset that he’s ignored me or he cancelled.

    I love him so much. Even addicts think they love Heroine. Can not remember being this much in love. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what’s happening to him. I have deleted his texts. I keep looking at his wifes instagram thinking what does he see in her… She is not even cute but I know I have to stop.

    Worst part is I can’t talk to anyone about this. Noone knows. My husband looked at me this morning shook his head and said My gawd… You look troubled… Wish there was a magic way out of this. Wake up and all the pain is gone. Everything around me reminds me of him -even my own house.. Thats because I have carried him in my heart and he has haunted me for so long….

    • Angelina

      Popo, I really feel sad to read how u hav been feeling.. but it seems all u hav been doin is compromise! To hav this man in ur life u decided to settle for the crumbs! U deserve a lot more than this dear! If hes not willing to respect u or value u, move out of it! I remember ur advice abt leavin the pathetic old married man whom m datin n i did exactly the same! M nt happy with this kinda arrangement where he has me as a filler n his wife as a permanent solution! Even u shudnt.. n i luv wat u said abt “what does he see in her” 😂😂 tel me abt it! I keep digging out his wife’s pics on Facebook n i keep thinking the same! Atleast m relieved that i no longer hav to see her ugly pics!! 😝😜 jokes aside.. reconciling with him is only a short term solution but he wil never ever commit to u! Just coz heroin can giv u pleasure for a moment, u cant ignore the damage its gona coz in the long run! U r strong, n u dnt need any drug to keep u moving!

  • Hardtime

    I finally did it, told him not to contact me!!! within mins he said done and blocked me on facebook!! I thought he might of said i will miss you or something but no that is it. I feel great for doing it but said I am losing a friend. I have not stopped crying. but why I gave up someone that was not mine and did not really care (although he said i was one of his best friends why could he block me so easy) Now how to get thorugh the next days we would say good mornign or hope you have a good day every day or every other day. How do you get through a breakup up with a married man, its for the best i know but my heart hurts.

    • Popo

      Hardtime
      It will be fine. You do not get over something like this you get through it. With pain yes, Step by step…minute by minute.
      Everything in life the universe gives us is a gift. Some gifts hurt like hell others a pleasure yet…. All a gift.

    • Aria

      Hard time
      Of course your hearts hurt, of course you will have hard time sad days find your self crying and many other things but you gonna be alright
      Well no one said doing a right thing is easy
      You went wrong Road you chose wrong person
      You’re hurt and this pains need time to be healed but congratulations for you
      Finally you do the right thing. You will feel ten times better because at least you end it.
      But be strong and take the pain and try to be kind with your self.

    • Angelina

      I did that too.. for the Nth time! he also said the same thing.. “Ok”.. i dnt knw wat happens to me that i keep ending it with him every week n thn agn go back to him!! Y cant i make a firm decision.. probably by now he also knws its temporary coz by now he wud hav called bak to bak n kept on msgin.. i hav become a joke now! Hope i sustain it this time! I do miss him n its really heart battering, but i think in long run its better than feeling jealous n irritated weneva he spends time with his wife, ignores me, hangs up on me, gives a cold shoulder wen i plan surprises for him, piercing my heart thinkin hes havin sex with her, fighting with myself to prove m much better than his wife, tracking thm on social networks, n moreover, risking my own marriage for him!

    • Freedfromprison

      My phony relationship with married man also ended a week ago but we mutually agreed to move on and set each other free. I think in some respects it gave me a fair amount of closure. In your case his ego took a beating when you dumped him so he had to act all indifferent and stoic. I understand the feeling of loss, sadness and despair. I mistakenly picked up a teddy bear he gave me and couldn’t stop sobbing. It’s so frustrating to experience sadness when you know it was a toxic, dead end situation. Not much gained and even less lost. Still…. hurts like hell.

      Try to be proud of yourself for taking the initiative and doing the right thing for yourself. I believe you’d feel much worse if he called it quits. One day at a time and know this too shall pass. Give yourself time and love. Deep clean your home, spruce up your place with new decos, rearrange furniture. Try sage cleansing your aura and your home. Get into a workout routine if you aren’t already active regularly. You’ll feel better physically and emotionally. Maybe get a massage, new haircut, makeover. Stay busy with friends and loved ones. Allow yourself time at the end of the day to cry, release, grieve and most importantly practice self-love. I’ve also been seeing a therapist for the last couple months and he helped me to come to a healthy decision. I wish you and all the people here happiness and healthy love.

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    Great news ladies!!! Ive been set free!!! The married man ended it…Im okay with the decision…I was about to end also….but he did first….now time for me to love myself once again….and love the lord!

    • Popo

      Mine too. Looks like they are reading the same memo. Struggling! He told me his feelings are not the same. He wants me around but not to talk about love…

      • lltcomet

        You do NOT have to hang ‘around’! For what? This It is not only all about him. It is about you! And your needs too!

    • Clair

      This was me last week. He had been treating me bad and I had just had it and I said do I need to walk away and he said yes. I’m ok with it to cause I honestly think I’ve had enough. This has happened in the past but it’s different this time. I’m not hanging on or hoping he’ll text me. I honestly want nothing to do with him at the moment.

  • Chris

    I’m sending prayers and love to all of you. I know that things will change for you and that one day your hearts willl be mended. Keep faith that this situation will turn around the blessing of God will manifest in your life. I know some of you are holding on to shame and guilt, and possibly punishing yourself bc you feel as though you’ve done something wrong. Don’t! Let it grow. Through every struggle there is growth and we don’t have to live our lives in the valleys or shadows. Keep pressing on and writing to one another or yourselves. Journaling has really helped me through this process. Remember someone out there loves and needs you in their lives even if it’s not him.

  • Angelina

    Why do i make the same mistake!! Y do I expect anything from him!! I stated before that he never does anything to make me feel special, or give me any gifts! On the contrary i keep giving him surprises n gifts!! I hav spent so much on him, wen he earns 10 times more than me!! He only keeps buying gifts for his wife n son.. wat hurts the most is that i go out of my way to make him feel spcl all the time, n his reaction is so plain, so cold.. i never heard a word of gratitude from his mouth! NEVER! He never told me that he liked it! Today agn i did sumthn, n as usual, he gave me a cold shoulder! As if his wife does all that for him all the time!! Such a thankless b*****d he is!!! 😡😡😡

    • Popo

      Angelina
      I understand. The only way is to stop with the gifts or the relationship. The peace will be better and in the long run you will be better off. My married man is the exact same. Its hard. Ending it is hard. Staying in it is hard. There is no way out of this but pain…. I’m at my absolute lowest today. He finally told me he doesn’t feel the same way. I wish I had more strength to give but need some myself.

      • Angelina

        Popo, wish u get all the strength to deal with this! At the same time, i wish to knw how r u dealing with this?? I have tried ending it multiple times but i cant survive the pain! Hav tried doing everything.. meditation, prayers, travel, spend time with family, friends, movies, clubbing!! Everything! But notjing works n i keep thinking abour him & track him on social networking sites.. how did u succeed?

      • Khloe

        Been reading all your comments last night. It’s so refreshing to read posts with no judgment. Just understanding. Week 1 too of no contact. It is so hard. But reading all your comments gave me comfort that I’m not alone in this journey. Ours was not an affair. It was purely fun. Until I fell in love. Wow, that’s the first time i wrote that down and admitted to myself. We keep trying to be just friends but the text messages turned from friendship to sexual and we couldn’t stop. It’s been going on for 4 yrs. We dont say we lvoe each other. I told him I just want to be friends last week. He said ‘all good’. Then why does it hurt damn it.

    • Popo

      Angelina
      Said this to Shiv. Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle helped me. A LOT. Please read it. Noone can deliver you really. It requires a tremendous amount of awareness, presence of mind and discipline from you. You have to put in the work. Honestly its not easy -easier said than done. Think of it this way… You really have no choice but to let go for good unless you are resigning yourself to a life of misery. Like me you are lucky you have a husband. I have been loving my husband like you won’t believe since my No Contact. Sending him kisses, love… He replies instantly with love and kisses…. I pathetically begged for this from mm. Imagine. I look at this now with my husband and I’m like this is so easy- this is true love. Last night I even started feeling a few butterflies for hubby. Its a miracle I tell you. Affairs are like broken glasses- you cannot see clearly… even the image of yourself is distorted. You think you love mm but you don’t. You look at yourself and you are in tiny pieces. Put yourself back together girl. Take charge of your life. True love is not clingy. It’s secure. Its not what you are going through now. All the best…..

      • Angelina

        Its day 2 n i feel even worse! I had a terrible heart pain yesterday. I haven’t been eating or sleeping properly. To top it up, am havin different set of problems with my husband., we keep fighting all the time.. its been more than a month that we even made love, he doesn’t feel like coming close to me dnt know y! M stil the same.. young, charming, beautiful (atleast guys say so) but my husband has been maintaining distance with me.. so on one hand my marriage is goin thru problems and on the other hand m heartbroken on my lover’s loss.. n this mm is living his life normally.. dropping his kid to school, pickin him up, partying, enjoying life with his wife, dropping her to work, moreover, putting happy display pics! My heart burns wen i see him happy! U wer right, it cant b love for sure else i wudnt b jealous of his happiness.. i wudnt wish bad for him or his wife, but I really really want her to either die or leave him for another man.. i wud hav been happy seein him happy if I really loved him but m not! If m not happy in my life i dnt want him to b either! But i dnt discuss my marital problems with him coz he wil get ego boost instead i talk only good things abt my husband n how much he luvs me.. i try to make him feeel jealous but that has no reaction at all on him!!

  • Chris

    This evening was difficult for me. I found myself crying for the first time. I think it was because I’ve been busy and today my time was free and there was time to think about him. I asked him to give me distance last week and he agreed. There’s a part of me that wants him to check on me although I asked for space. I know that this feeling will pass. I have removed myself from coming into contact with him by leaving the gym and distancing myself from mutual friends. I know each day I’ll get stronger and will be free from this feeling.

    • Jenny

      I can totally relate. I’m busy during the day and don’t think about it much. At night I fall apart. I’m married myself, 2 young kids, and ended my affair exactly 1 month ago today. Not because I wanted too, but because he was very Hot and Cold and everything was on his terms. We have been on no contact the entire time. Sometimes I wish he would reach out to me but it never happened. I’m to proud to reach out to him, but I k ow it’s for the best. Hang in there girl… you are not alone… hugs

      • Chris

        Thank you! I’m feeling much better today. I’ve been writing empowerment notes and letters to myself. I know that I’m better than this situation and he or anyone can’t control how I feel but me. I’m ready to stand tall and walk out into the world with my head high. I may actually see the married man tonight at a party with mutual friends and I have vowed to myself not to allow his presence to alter my mood and even entertain the idea of sleeping with him. This process isn’t going to be long and painful as I thought bc I dictate what I want for my life and how I feel. I survived this short chapter in my life and stand taller than the day before. I’m happy that you have been able to keep your distance. Things will get better for you as well. God bless!

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    As anybody ever thought maybe the reason why these married men become distant is because they’re seeing other women? If they can cheat on their wives, they can definitely do it to us…

    • Rhea

      You’re absolutely right! My married man was cheating or trying to cheat on me. I found a message on his phone from another woman, calling him handsome. He was supposed to meet up with her but she cancelled on him. So then I began to pull away. Told him I didn’t want to be on his rotation. He confessed – told me he was supposed to meet another woman but that it was cancelled. And because I was blind, I continued with him.

      • Popo

        Finally decided to walk away. Each day I justify staying with him is each day of intense pain and agony. I am yearning and longing for him so bad… To just grab my phone and send ‘one last text’….but instead I am going to sit on my hands and beg God to take away the addiction…. I have to stop causing problems for myself when I stop then I will stop causing problems him having always the feeling that he must always talk to be

    • Amber

      I’m actually feeling the same way. My married man ended it with me a month ago. Said his wife was sick and he needed to be by her side now. Feel totally broken and feel like it was a lie so he could meet someone else after almost 2 years seeing one another. Anyone else have this happen?

      • Rhea

        Amber,
        Yes, mine told me that he wanted to work things out with his wife because she wanted to reconnect / reconcile. So the moment she wants to make the relationship work, he drops me like I’m a hot potato. But for the last year, when I comforted and loved him, I was all he wanted. I don’t buy that story. This married man wanted out. This relationship was fun for him but he knew it had an expiration date. I was naïve and allowed myself to fall for him. I wanted an experience too. I should have slept with him once or twice and give him the boot. That way I would have had my experience and I would have kept my heart in tact. You live and you learn.

    • Clair

      Yes! Of course my guy said he never did but honestly I would not want to be married to a man like him if you think about it. It’s not necessarily the woman he’s married to. He would probably cheat on anyone he’s in a committed relationship with. I don’t think he can help it cause I know I’m not the only woman he’s had an affair with. But I don’t feel bad for his wife. If your connected with your husband your going to know something is off and she either has to be guilty herself or just a plain idiot to be perfectly honest with you. So of course they would cheat on us to.

  • Clair

    After 4 days I’ve finally talked to my married man but from me texting him. I texted him yesterday and he didn’t reply but did this morning. He said he stressed from work and at home and that he was sorry. He said he wants to make me happy but knows he’s not and it bothers him. I told him maybe I need to walk away so he won’t feel like he needs to worry about me . He said he was sorry and I asked do you want me to walk away? And he said yes. I said ok. Of course I said my peace and I said goodbye. That was this morning and this afternoon he sent me a text and said I know I’m the last person you want to talk to me just be careful tomorrow with the weather. I just wanted to tell you personally. (we are supposed to be having bad weather in my area). I said I guess you do care a little don’t you? He said don’t ever doubt that. He confuses the crap out of me but I’m honestly not upset right now. I’m ok to walk away. I know I’ll miss him but I don’t deserve how he treats me regardless him being stressed or not.

    • Chris

      Don’t fall for his trap. He’s trying to show gestures of concerns bc he’s not willing to let you go but he’s not willing to give you what you want either. What does he need to inform you about the weather when we have so many media outlets that can keep you informed. It’s a trap!! You have to consider what you need in this situation and for your life. I’m struggling with this as well but I’m grateful for this platform where women can come together and support one another.

      • Clair

        Chris,

        Exactly! Why would he feel the need to tell me about it after he said he wanted me to walk away?? This morning I spoke my piece to him and he said he was sorry and I didn’t deserve how he’s been treating me. I’m really ok right now. I think I’ve just had enough but it’s been like this before. I feel like he probably will text me again but I’m different this time. I’m just mentally exhausted.

      • Chris

        Great! I’m glad to hear you’re doing ok. That’s better than feeling down and out. You’re giving me hope.

    • SoInLove

      You’re right, you don’t deserve that at all. And these married men are very confusing. How hey can treat us the way they do I’ll never understand. I’m glad you are feeling ok. It’s your hearts way of telling you that you are going to be ok and get through this.

      Heartbreak in any form is hard, but keep telling yourself you’re doing what is absolutely best for you.

      • Clair

        SoInLove,

        I’m still feeling ok with everything. It just makes me mad because I had like a page of stuff I said to him and I was nice and mean about a few things and all he said was I wish the best for you to and I’m sorry how I’ve treated you. You don’t deserve that. After 2 years that’s all your going to say??? I told him I know there would be days where I missed him but when I do I’m going to go right back to this time and remember how I felt and how much he has hurt me. He makes me so mad. I think when you finally have had enough you get mad instead of hurt. I hope if and when he does text me again I will be stronger and not believe his crap.

  • Angelina

    How do you handle it when u know ur married man is still having sex with his wife? It just kills me when i imagine them together! I cant handle it!!! Once i went mad at him coz of this but he clearly told me we shouldn’t ask each other abt this and we should give each other SPACE! He told me he cant stop it with her!! :'( :'(

    • Chris

      First stop calling him “my married man” he’s not yours. He’s legally and spiritual bound to another woman. He’s going to sleep with his wife bc he has to maintain his life regardless of your feelings about it. To be honest he may enjoy being with his wife. Be honest about what you want from him. You have to be realistic bc expecting a married man to stop having sex with his wife is impossible.

    • Clair

      Angelina,

      I had a hard time with this to. Of course he would tell me when he was with her he would think about me and all that. The guy I was seeing used to tell me sometimes when he was going to have sex with her and made sure he told me he would be thinking of me! I mean really??!!! What a idiot. They don’t care. But there are some men that are not cheaters and actually respect women. My guy did not respect me at all. Me getting mad and fed up with it all has really helped me a lot this time. And when I said this time I mean one of many breakups we’ve had. But this time its different. I’m ok with walking away.

  • Angelina

    I need advice.. ladies, plz plz plz tell me how do i end things with my married man? I wish i had never crossed the boundary of my marriage and got myself into this.. life was perfect for me.. good career, loving husband, such nice parents & inlaws.. dont know what was missing in my life that i put myself in this mess..hes quite elder to me, father of a kid & married for over 10 yrs now.. and i am young, recently married to my childhood sweetheart.. i had everything one can ever ask for.. i only made my life complicated by falling in this trap.. things were stil under control and i never thought of leaving my spouse for him, but once we had sex, i became insecure n possessive about him.. i cant stand his wife’s presence in his life.. i started havin fights with him every 2nd day coz of this..hes clear abt the fact that he cant ever marry me, but i want to.. i feel if we love each other thn we shud b together n not cheat on our spouses.. but hes happy this way.. we came closer, went on holidays n stayed together weneva my husband was out of town.. all this made me more possessive abt him.. i love him from core of my heart, went out of my way to make him feel spcl, though he didnt do much for me (no presents or surprises for me which every girl desires!) i tried so many times to cut off with him, so many times i told him its over n we wud spend days without being in contact, but i realized that i m stuck in a swamp, the more i try to get out of it, the more i sink deep inside! I feel a weird pain in my heart n go breathless wenever i try to break up with him! I hav realized theres no way out of it! I dnt wana lose my husband, coz the day he gets to knw abt this, he wil throw divorce on my face & i wont hav anywhr to go! My parents wont accept me n this man wont leave his family for me, this he made clear from day 1! He says he loves me a hell lot thn y cant he b with me? I wana come out of it but like a drug its killing me slowly n i cant even liv without it! Tell me wat to do plz ladies…

    • Rhea

      Angelina,

      I understand exactly what you say when you talk about this thing feeling like a drug. It is. Your brain has become addicted to this illicit affair. It’s evil that appears glamorous.

      You have to dig yourself out. Pull yourself out. Drag one foot in front of the other to move on. It’s been 6 six weeks since my mm dumped me. Our breakup was not hostile. I cried and told him I love him (for the first time in a year) and he said he loves me too (that part I don’t believe). I have to be honest. Everyday is difficult. I’m not crying all day but at least once a day. I work, I smile, I carry on but my heart is heavy. I wish the pain would leave me. I sit next to my phone at work and watch it. He must be in his office, I wonder. A phone call away. I can still hear his “hello.” But what will I get if I do that? Pain, more pain, new pain and humiliation. I’m angry at myself that I fell into this trap. It is a trap. Get out now.

      There is hope and healing for you. You have to believe that there is life after this because there is. It will be hard as hell. I am so kind to myself because I know that I am fighting a battle everyday to stay strong. The worst thing is to disappoint myself and I won’t do that.

      Every morning, I take care to make myself up. I walk with my head high even though my heart is broken. I don’t have a choice. I am fighting to survive. This is my life and my future and there is nothing for me with him. My marriage is still not great and I am grieving the loss of my lover. But I am still grateful that I was able to come out of it without my husband or family finding out. At least I have a chance to make my situation at home peaceful and bearable.

      The way to end this thing is to just end it. No contact at all. None. It’s the most painful way but its the most effective way to get you to heal. It will take months, maybe years but every day that you wait for someone to give you crumbs, you’re wasting one day that you’ll never get back.

    • Popo

      Angelina
      Whatever you do… do not leave your husband. I am sober enough to know that I would choose my husband over him any day. Listen… you don’t love him, you just love the idea of being in love…. you have made it all up in your mind. It’s a fantasy. The ego in you will never be satisfied. Every time he goes to his wife, the ego dies a little. And the ego is scared of dying.
      Make peace with the fact that nothing in life is permanent, you can’t hold on to him or anyone else or anything. It’s all impermanent. Life is ephemeral. We will at some point lose EVERYTHING we have ever held dear… husband, money, children…. everything..
      I am in the same situation. My husband and I are actually busy on IVF and I’m doing this-pathetic! He doesn’t know (part of my revenge plan-I am gon tell him I am pregnant then dump him-BUT WHY IM I EVEN THINKING THAT). I also get no gifts. I buy him loads of presents yet he earns 15 times more than me (not even exaggerating). Bottom line is this…. The only way out is through… you have to let him go… it will hurt like hell… boy! It will hurt but you have to let go and stop all contact. It will set you free.
      Last advice…Please Please – Do not leave your husband for this disgusting old married man.

      • Angelina

        Thank u rhea & popo.. i try to b strong, everyday i think of ending it with the married man, but when i see his pic on watsapp, i get carried away n numb!! 🙁

  • Hardtime

    Having a hard time and just need to put it on paper. I have told my story before: Married man and wife went through many IUI to get pregnant (over 15 trys) never thought it would happen…and it finally did. I need to distance my self and do no contact but cant bring myself to. He is off my phone but still on the dreaded facebook. We were long time friends before any of this start but its been over 6 years. I need to break up with my married man but cant bring myself to do it. Any ideas how i can? He will not talk to me if I ask him too but I will miss it too much. I know i just need to break up with him but I can’t.

    • Chriss

      My heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine how hard it will be to break a six year relationship with someone you love. My recommendation is to get touch with yourself, take back your power and remember this part of your life will pass in time. You don’t have to suffer in this.

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    Its like all these married men read the same book….I swear we’re all dating the same married man…they give us all the love and affection in the beginning…but later on they start to treat us like crap…why is that? My married man still wants to be with me…but he doesn’t give me the same attention he used to…so im like why do you still wanna be here?! Smh…

    • hardtime

      sounds like me. Used to go to movies and lots of time together at least everyother week. We live2 hours away from eachother. Now once a month if that and out to dinner then wham bam thankyou. I need to stop it but nice when i do see hime we talk everyday need to stop that but cant

  • Chris

    Thank you all for creating this platform of healing and community. I recently broke things off with a married man last week. I felt myself becoming angry and resentful towards him. The presence of him angered me and anything he said pissed me off. Controlling my anger was something I struggled with in the past and I wasn’t about to allow that person to control my life again. He was my trainer at the gym and never promised to leave his wife. He told me that their relationship was built on business and making money together. There was no love. I conjured up in my own mind that I could be the one that provided the love and relationship to him while he made money with this woman. Naive! After we had sex for the first time after months of flirting and fooling around, he told me there were other women he was sleeping with, even some I knew from the gym. He considered me as a friend that he could tell his dirty secrets too and sometimes become intimate with. I was crushed. I wasn’t this woman who could separate my feelings this way. But I tried to make myself be ok with the arrangement because I enjoyed the sex and the company.
    I was lonely and loved the attention. He made me feel sexy which I’ve never really felt in my life. I tried to convince myself that it was ok and if I remained loyal enough to him I could at least be treated as his “girlfriend” and maybe even fall in love with me bc I was a “cool” chick. This situation only made me feel depressed. Now I’m sitting here at a wellness center in Negril, Jamaica doing everything to release this attachment to this man, praying, yoga, mineral baths, dancing, writing. you name it. I’m a little afraid I’ll give in and go back to the arrangement when I go back to the states. Before I came to Jamaica,
    I left the gym so I won’t see him anymore. I told him that I needed distance and he just said, “I’ll support you in whatever decision you made.” Even that stung a little.
    I guess I wanted him to fight harder for me but I know I have to let go. I have all intention to stay clear of him. I feel sad bc in the past year I’ve made some connections with friends at the gym but in order for me to separate I have to totally let everything associated with this man go. The silver lining is that I know once I get through this I’ll be free and empowered. I will have learned my lesson in dealing with unavailable men. I also realized that I have some Daddy issues I’m still working through. I hope this helps another woman and I’m open for encouraging words from some of you. Thank you.

  • Kelly

    I’ve just recently found this article and decided to read the comments. Wow. It’s been helpful to read all of the support and how challenging it is for everyone. I was in a 7 year long distance relationship with a married man and 7 years ago I broke it off. I didn’t speak to him for 5 years until one day he texted me. I asked him why he was contacting me. I wasn’t going down this road again. I already had the t-shirt. So then I would hear from him at Christmas etc. Two months ago my 7 year relationship with my live in boyfriend ended and what do I do…I start texting my married man! And just like that it’s back to the way it was and I even flew to see him last week for two wonderful days. I know, I know… It really is like an addiction. This time I’m not so naive but am still struggling. I told him I can’t do this again and that I won’t. He said he can’t leave “just yet” as his wife will clean out his bank account and he thinks things are happening too quick! “Too quick” are you friggin kidding me! I want to walk away but part of me is unable to, yet I don’t like how it makes me feel. It makes me feel ashamed of who I am and that’s a horrible feeling. I just told him that actions speak louder than words and that talk is cheap. He agrees but says he isn’t sure how long it will take…part of me wants to believe him, but is he just stringing me along again? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I need to keep coming back here to stay strong.

    • galwaygirl7

      When I read your posts I feel so inspired but as soon as I face reality again I’m back to the pathetic needy mess I have become over the last 2+ years. I wish I was strong enough to do what I know needs to be done and that is walk away but I don’t have it in me – I don’t understand myself anymore.

    • Clair

      Kelly

      I feel your pain. I’m in almost a 2 year long affair and it’s been off and on so many times and we both can’t seem to let each other go completely. It’s hard because we live In the same little town and we live like 7 min from each other. I don’t like who I am and I know I’m better off without him it’s just getting to that point of not caring. He doesn’t treat me right. He’ll ignore my texts and will go days before he will text me and it’s only when he wants to see me. He really doesn’t want anything to do with me other than that. How pathetic am I? Just know your not alone.

    • Tina

      Hi Kelly,

      Please don’t believe him. Actions DO speak louder than words. I had my mm stringing me along for months.

      I left him because I said I no longer wanted to be with a married man. I no longer wanted mere crumbs which he could spare quickly after work or even during work hours. I am worth more I said, I don’t want to hear from you again and deleted him/blocked him from every platform/messaging service.

      Two days later he reached out and said ‘I’ve ended it, I told her everything and I want to be with you, I’m just sorting out where I live and all of my bank accounts etc.’

      That was 3 months ago?! For 3 months he has been telling me they are broken up but just living in the same place for the child.

      I suddenly started to realise he hasn’t left her and nor will he ever, not when I am still in the picture.

      ‘You are lying’ I said, you haven’t left her, if you have then please show me some evidence. Nothing could be provided. I am going to walk away and delete you like I did before.

      He said he will come back to
      me when ‘things are sorted’, come back to me when he is able
      to give me all of himself. That day will not come I said. ‘I will prove you wrong’ he said.

      I have deleted him from my life,
      Finally!

      Kelly, leave the married man now. Deny him contact until he can prove himself to you.
      Don’t be strung along with words and platitudes!

      You are worth more.

      • Kelly

        Good for you Tina! I have to admit I’ve crumbled again but each time things change just that little but for me in that I’m realizing this isn’t where I want to be. I’m not there in my head just yet but I will be strong and I feel like that day is coming very soon. I hope you are staying strong. Sorry for my late reply. I just saw this.

  • Jenna

    Hi! I am just 20 and u got involved with a married guy who was working with me. Until I slept with him, he was the sweetest person to me.. But after that, he started taking me for granted.. He would meet me only to sleep with me..
    After a year long of contemplating, I broke up with him when he gave birth to his daughter. Because the guilt was immense that first his wife, now his child..
    I am strong headed so I moved on.. But two months later he started to threaten me saying that I am only his girl and that he would tell my new boyfriend.. He’s behaving like a complete psychotic.

    I talked to him and cleared out everything that I wasn’t happy with him.. And this is best for all of us.. And he understood.. But last night I saw that he got in touch with my sister. I just don’t know what to do.. What does he want from me? How can I totally forget about him? More than that I’m always scared that if my boyfriend gets to know about this, he might break up with me

  • Clair

    So I saw my married man a few days ago. Told him some concerns I had and said he understood. Well it’s been two days since I’ve talked to him and I’ve texted him both days with no response. Why do I keep doing this to myself? One of my concerns was him ignoring me. Well he’s still doing it. Another was treating me like a one night stand and he’s doing that.

    • Popo

      Thats me as well. Exactly. Would swear its same guy. I said its over- 2 days later we were back together and back to his old self.
      All the things…
      Me always the first to initiate conversation
      Weekend silence
      Scared of starting conversation have to have a topic
      Waiting for morning kisses and text. Disappointment if he doesn’t reply to me.
      Constantly blowing hot and cold. One day there is response the next nothing.
      Unexpected cancellations on appointments
      No Holidays away together
      Disappointed at his holidays away.
      Silence during his holidays away
      Always apologize when things are tense
      Always waiting on him
      Exhausting schemes to keep him. Boy! I am exhausted.
      Always scared of losing him

      All of this… Yet I cant let go. I am completely engulfed by this man. Its like a demon.

      • Clair

        Yes saw him last Tuesday, ignored me Wednesday and Thursday, finally Friday he responded and said I’m so sorry yesterday and Wednesday we’re just not good days for me. But I know if I hadn’t have texted him Friday I would yet to hear from him.

      • Rhea

        Popo,

        My God! This story sounds like mine. When you talked about schemes to keep a married man. I tried so hard to keep my ex-lover interested. I dressed up for this man like never before, bought lingerie, talked about interesting topics, followed politics, etc. In the beginning, he was crazy for me. Would text me and tell me that he can’t stop thinking about me; that my kisses still linger on his mouth; that he couldn’t sleep because I was on his mind. And once he had me hooked, the day after our meetings, he would send me a polite little text -“It was good seeing you yesterday.” And then I wouldn’t hear from him for days. I read and analyzed every word he said to me. We had broken up once before and I schemed to get him back. I reached out to him weeks later to inquire about a surgery. I wanted it to seem as if I wasn’t interested in him, just the info he had. I then sent him an email apologizing for having offended him. A week later, I told him I would in his area and asked him if he wanted to meet for a drink. I did that again a week later, and then he wanted me again. How exhausting. Why should anyone have to do so much work to keep a married man?

        So, this last time when he broke up with me, I told him that I won’t try to convince him to stay. I opened my hand and released him, allowed him to fly away unscathed while my heart bled.

        I am struggling. It’s almost 6 weeks and I constantly have to fight the urge.

      • Popo

        Rhea
        I had to laugh loud at your scheme – and cry at the same time. I did worse things. Pretending and lying that my husband is being abusive so he can protect me. Gosh…. Seriously my husband is an angel. Some of the things and schemes I’ve done are despicable! Like create whatsapps where its like my husband is shouting at me then screenshot to him when its all fake- even once sent a mail from my husband to him saying leave my wife -husband had no clue of course. The things I do now – I look at it and I am like…and I am like -Who am I??? I even let my 4 year old and him cute videos. Really! I have completely gone crazy! Follow politics exactly like you Rhea coz his wife is not very smart -she is a housewife. Then I have interesting topics to discuss with him.
        Whatever you do,don’t fall back please Rhea. I know my day is coming. I keep thinking this is the absolute last time -just need to see him one last time but I know that like an addiction, its a bottomless pit- will never be satisfied. You have done well don’t go back. Have you read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now?

      • Popo

        Rhea… and ladies…
        Whatever you do… please don’t ever go back to this man. I am suffering right now. We were supposed to meet today and he cancelled. I burst into tears… surely it’s all pain, both what you are going through and what I am going through. It’s a different kind of pain-disappointments him going to his wife, cancelling dates vs the pain of missing him…YET can tell now… THE PAIN OF LETTING GO IS BETTER . Do not go back… the problem (married man) cannot also be the solution. I am counting down… I know that my time is coming. I am dreading Easter-he is gon be without me…I keep thinking one last time but this is truly a bottomless pit of addiction…I WILL NEVER EVER BE SATISFIED. Yesterday I asked him and threw a tantrum to say at least send me morning kisses on messages… Guess what yesterday and today, HE SENT…I am still NOT satisfied. I am looking for something even I don’t know what it is. Eckart Tolle calls it the ‘pain body’ ‘ . Happiness is from within. No one can make me happy.
        Rhea….The exhausting schemes to keep him….Oh dear- mine are worse. Lied about my husband being horrible…lies and lies until I started believing them. Even lied that my 4year daughter loves him (no she doesn’t-she doesn’t know him). Meanwhile…. I am married to an angel of a husband.
        I am such a strong girl you guys.This man though…. He has literally broken me to pieces. He seems to always be angry at me-snaps, when I ask where he has been, why he is quiet. He is sooo rude! So spoilt! I am so weak right now it’s pathetic.
        Crying as I type this……

      • Angelina

        Me, and am sure all ladies in this situation can so relate to u! I also started schemin to get him..as if schemes to show m anyday n in all respect better n luvs him more than his wife were not enough, i started seeing my husband as evil and tel my mm how he ill treats & abuses me! He wud only show sympathy, nothing else! Infact i felt hes likin my misery coz that wud satisfy his ego as he wud appear as an angel in my life! So i started scheming to make him feel jealous.. i wud tel him how much my husband luvs me, stories of our weddin, dating & honeymoon, wud deliberately post my pics with husband on social network, so that HE sees them n feels jealous.. infact i wana hav a kid soon so that he feels jealous! I feel my life now revolves arnd making him feel jealous! But after reading all of u, it luks very normal;)

      • Rhea

        Popo,

        So sorry to hear about how devastated you are about him cancelling the date. These men have a horrible hold on us. We become people we don’t recognize. Get a hold of yourself and reclaim your power!!! Take it back from him! You gave him your power and your sense of peace. I am not claiming that this is easy to do. It has been 6 weeks since he ended it with me and not 1 hour passes without me thinking about him. I cried this morning. My heart is heavy and I miss him. When I think about never seeing him again, my heart aches. But it’s getting better. It really is. I have embraced this process. I knew that this was going to be incredibly difficult for me. And it is! There is no lying about that. But keep on moving. One day without him will turn into a week and a week into two months and then you’ll be at a month. Get control over your emotions. You can do it!

  • Sorrow

    I have been following this page for awhile due to the similar situation. I worked with a married man for yrs and became involved. I left my marriage with my daughter because of him but he ended it with me too because he was afraid of his wife finding out. Just the day prior, I told him I loved him and couldn’t handle all the hurt and he told me he would try not to make me feel that. However, the moment my ex husband found out, he turned and left. 2 months later told me that he no longer had any feelings for me…. this all ended a year ago. I can honestly tell you ladies that it was so hard. Working with this married man, looking after a young girl and facing the emotional abuse of my ex. My marriage was long over before I made the decision but it was still hard. I don’t speak to my married man and neither did he. He said he wanted to go back to before and pretend nothing ever happen.. I was broken , went through lotsa of therapies.. still , I m only half way there. I wanted to quit my work but I have a really good job . My heart still aches when I heard his voice down the corridor. I didn’t complain, didn’t get angry.. I just accepted it. I still live in that fantasy, remember those days.. but really, there are lies , theY are fake and hell. Ladies, leave now and be free…the only thing I gained was I m free of my toxic marriage.

    • Rhea

      Sorrow,

      And you’re free of that married man! It’s harder for you because you work with him and you have to constantly see him.

    • Carley

      I am right there with you. I have worked with a married man who pursued me quite hard and confessed his feelings for me once he learned I was going through a divorce. It lasted two months, He decided to leave his wife and I kicked my husband out for good finally. The day after he moved into his apartment he pulled back from me and is now going on a family vacation. I have to work with him and he is my boss. It is torture. Our offices are connected and every time I hear his voice, I want to scream! Now I am mourning the end of my marriage and a bad breakup all while working with this man who is now going on a family vacation 🙁

  • Sandy M

    Hi all, reading through all your positive and encouraging comments enlightens me. If I may share, I’m currently in similar situation as well. I’ve been seeing this married man since 2014. Just yesterday, he told me that life’s been hard, so he went back to his wife. It’s shocking, but, I can’t say much. I rant and rave at him, saying all sorts of negative things. I was and is still bitter at him. He’s insensitive and cold. However, I sent him an email, saying that I’m not going to deal with this anymore. I told him that I’m not thriving anymore in the stagnant environment that only full of lies, pain and unhappiness. He never responded. ( usual for him). Honestly, I’m heartbroken but all your stories gave me strength again to face this degrading situation.

    • Jenna

      It’s gonna be absolutely fine. You will find mental and emotional peace in a while(actually as soon as you want). Married men never care about how you’re feeling.. So let it go.. The sooner the better.

      I’m happy to know that you took the first and most important step of breaking up with him. Now stay strong. He might try to creep into your life again. Don’t let him, lady. Don’t. 🙂
      My Love and care.

  • Rhea

    It’s been over a month now that my married man ended it and I haven’t reached out. Yesterday, I was taking a friend to do a procedure at the hospital which was mere blocks away from where he lives. Although I know his address, I’ve never been around his place. So yesterday, I drove by his apartment. My heart was racing in my chest. I was scared he would see me. He knows my car well. The lights were not in. Then I felt pain. I was so irrational. I was thinking that he was out and about with his wife and kids enjoying his life.
    Today, on the way to work, tears rolled down my face. I thought about touching his face and about him enveloping me in his arms.
    Oh God, I know all the reasons why he is no good for me. I know that this – not being with a him or any other man who is not mine – is the best best decision for me. I had written some things about how he had treated me. Never enough time, always gotta run, etc. And ladies, I feel free that I don’t have to worry about what time he would text me. I am relieved all that is over. My brain knows that this is the best thing. I can see mental benefits from not having him. So, why, why do I ache like this at times? Can’t my heart get the memo that my brain wrote? Why is this addiction so hard to break? The grief comes like a wave and I have to tell myself to keep swimming and that it will pass.
    I am strong. I know that I am. And he is able to move on from me as if we didn’t exist. Didn’t I hold him and comfort him and love him when he needed it? Didn’t I excite him and make him feel young and alive? And yet, he can walk away and discard me like if none of it happened. How are married men capable of being this way. I have two ex-boyfriends in my past do this to me too. When things got tough, when I made demands or needed explanations for poor behavior, they left and just moved on. How can married men do this so easily and we can’t? What can be learn from them? Are we not being logical?

    • Kim

      I feel for you , I’m in the same confusing position. All I can say is that men are different, they are normally less emotional than us and can ‘box’ things away, never to be thought of again. I miss my married man so much it hurts, the worst pain ever, yet he can laugh and joke like we never existed – we go to the same gym. When I see him smiling with other people it doesn’t register – I can’t smile, i want to cry – it’s been 6 months since his wife found out and he unceremoniously dumped me immediately.I’d like to know when this gets better.

    • Sim

      Exactly what I have been asking myself..After all that we have been through, all the love, the memories, is it that easy to walk away? U just walk away from someone you call your soulmate and just go on living with another woman for the rest of your life….Like you Rhea, I always love with all my heart, I guess it’s our issues. We give it all, and we fall for them much more than they do

    • Martina Jamison

      Rhea. I think that they can move on so easily because they have a whole entire life outside of the relationship that they have with us. So while we’re mourning the relationship, they’ve just fallen back into their normal life. I’m realizing that my whole relationship was just empty promises and dreams. I just recently broke up with my mm and I’m still dying inside but the relief and peace of mind that I have is starting to out way all is that! Sending prayers to all of you ladies!!!!

  • thebrokenstar

    I broke up with my married man 3 weeks back. it was a 10 year relationship… She knew, she found out about me long back, he made her call me and she said she would divorce, its 4 years and he didnt do it. He says i am aggressive abusive… am i supposed to act like i am some fairy? It hurt me a lot coz he lives with her. they have a daughter. i am so young. he is 17 years elder to me. he thinks i am not the kind of girl who will wait, am not the kind of girl who is ready for marriage. he says behave and then we will talk marriage. doesnt it hurt? it hurts so much. i havent called him all these weeks… he did drop me few texts. i miss him yes but he doesnt leave the wife. its so sad!

  • Aria

    Dear clair
    I think you have to change the way you look to this story. Is that really matters if he loves you or not? Or if he cares or not?
    No. I mean it’s important for you I can understand but you need a way out. A solution
    And for that you have to think logical.
    I think your question should be this ” what is going to happened at the end? What are the possible results of our relationship for me? Is it going to have any ending which worth all this pains?
    So in this way you will see, sadly, that this relationship has a deadened and more days you spend in it more days it will take for you to come out.
    He will go back to his family even with loving you.
    And darling even if not, and If he choose you believe me if you ruin a life your life will be ruin too. You can’t build love, family and happiness on the ash of the one your relationship burned.
    So If I were you I will cut this relationship before it become to late and I choose to go back to open arms of my family and friends and try as hard as it takes to end it even if he cry and beg me.
    In this case you need to be a little selfish cause of you can’t be he will.
    Take care of your self. Don’t forget how strong your live to your self is

  • ihatemyself

    I am seriously wanting to end my life! Leave my baby behind. Atleast she has my family, and she wont have to know about her stupid mother! I need someone to talk to please! Someone who has been over and is now happy after their affair with a married man. Please email me. [email protected]

    I have a 5 week old baby girl from my married man. Its hard. Its really hard!!!!

    • yael

      Hi ihatemyself,
      I sent you an email. You can get thru this. It’s so NOT worth your life. I survived a Terrible Married Man situation 2 yrs ago. I came very close to taking my own life. I’ve been over 18 months with no contact now. I’m so glad I’m still here; for me, my family and especially my child. Relationships with married men are so painful, even if it starts off seemingly innocuous and fun and both parties “agree to the terms.”

      It’s especially hard for women. Our bodies change as we age. It can seem invigorating to meet someone who knows how to bring out our passion. But it always ends in heartbreak.

      I’m on this site because a couple months ago, I got involved with a different married man (yea, real bright). I thought I could manage it because It’s much different than the other situation; but I know heartbreak is inevitable. Even tho I’m accomplished, have my own family and career, He’s wealthy, super attractive, sensitive–everything I think I want. We share a hobby and that’s how we met. It seemed like manic destiny.

      He’s already said he will never leave his wife & family, but he’s wants to continue our thing if I do. I feel much envy for her. I would always be #2. That will never change.

      I do not want to live this way. I refuse to go thru this again and back burner my own life. It’s not possible to “handle” such emotional intensity and be okay. I’m human. Simply, just human.

      Getting a lot of strength from the shared here. I’m going to shut the new married man situation now before I get hurt or hurt anyone else more.

      At least this time I know I’m in the “hole” and that there’s a way out. Next time, maybe I’ll see the hole and choose to step around it.

      Thank you for your strength all. Please wish me luck.

    • Angelina

      Hi, dont do this please.. all of us here had our own share of painful experiences, else we wouldnt have been here.. m still waiting for the day wen i will be over him n can say that breaking up with him was the best decision of my life 🙁

  • Shiv

    Hi,
    These comments are really helping. I also feel like I’m in the biggest mess of my life. I have been with a married man for the last 12 months.I am also married my marriage has been unhappy for the last two years and I know that’s not an excuse. Last month my married man’s wife found a text from me.She decided to forgive her husband and he did not communicate with me for days. This left me so broken and hurt because I couldn’t understand why he didn’t care about how I was feeling. Then when as he says it was all clear he contacted me and said things now need to be different.. I’ve just kept thinking ok I’ll accept that because I love him but do I really is it just attachment . This past five weeks I have done nothing but cry because even when he sends me a message now it’s not really affectionate . On calls he is really short with me if I question things and look for reassurance. He also told me so many lies like he wasn’t sleeping with his wife but I found out she had a miscarriage two weeks ago.I just feel so stupid but I’m not strong enough to let go of this married man… He treats me like crap and I know it. What is wrong with me why is it so hard I know it’s wrong. I’m not happy it doesn’t make me happy anymore but why can’t I let go? Help

    • Rhea

      Shiv,
      Like you, I too was smart enough to recognize that my ex was not treating me well. He would always have a reason why he couldn’t stay on the phone -“I gotta take this call, there are people in front of my door, I have a conference call, I’m on a call, I gotta respond to these emails, I’m picking up my daughter, my son is with me,” on and on the excuses went. But days before we were scheduled to meet, he would reach out. God, I don’t miss that. When I call my friends, they are happy to hear from me; they want to talk; I have much to give. Don’t settle for crumbs. Who needs to be treated like that? Stop contacting him. Leave your phone at home, take it off.
      You’re addicted to him that’s why it’s hard to give up. Ween yourself off of communicating with him. He’s not making you feel good. Take care of you!!!

      • Clair

        My married man does the same thing. He’ll say all the time he has to go, he’s gotta do this or that and it’s times where he could message me back but he doesn’t.

      • Shiv

        Thanks Rhea
        I know it has to stop again today we had a few messages and a call but not how it was before. Your right I am only getting the crumbs and I’m miserable. I’ve told him a millions times how I feel & he promises he will make more of an effort, but then blames me for not being that way because I’ve either annoyed him when we have spoken on the phone or through messages. I know deep down I wouldn’t need that reassurance if he actually treated me right. Even writing this message I know it’s all wrong. I initiate the contact now it’s me wanting him to love me and show it through his actions. If he actually cared it would be mutual and I wouldn’t cry everyday… I honestly was so happy before all this. We are supposed to talk tomorrow night I’m to call and as much as I say now I won’t but I know I will and I will have the same conversation I’ve had the last few weeks and he will make his empty promises & nothing will change. I used to be so strong I hate this weak person I have become . I will try though tomorrow because I know the only option is to walk away .

    • Clair

      I need advice. I’m married and my MM is married. We both have children and we started out as friends. He started sending my messages and it just started from there. Its been going on for almost 2 years. For the first 8 months we were talking every day all day. Told each other we loved each other. And it’s not like I didn’t get attention from my husband but this was just something exciting and different. After 8 months he broke up with me cause he just couldn’t “handle” it. I was a mess. Had to get on medication, stayed in the bed and my family just thought I was depressed which I was but they didn’t know the reason. For two weeks we had no contact cause I really thought that was it. After two weeks I got a message and it was him. He wanted to see me. So of course I did. But after that it was different. He didn’t want to talk everyday and didn’t want to get as close to me as we were but still cared for me the same. Of course I believed it. So for about 6 months I tortured myself everyday. Texting him, begging him basically to be close to me again and he kept saying he couldn’t and then one day he did. It almost was like it was the first 8 months we were together. So for about 4 months that went on and now he doesn’t think we should be close anymore but he still wants to see me. He says we’re not together but of course still feels for me the same. I know I can be a lot to handle but I’m driving myself crazy. I worry all the time about why he doesn’t want to talk to me and when we do talk it’s great and he’s sweet but it’s always me to initiate the conversation. He doesn’t tell me he loves me but says he still does but is not in love with me anymore cause we shouldn’t be but I don’t believe him. I think he’s just telling me that so I will back off because his actions tell another story. The last time I saw him was a few days ago. I really just need advice on how to move forward without him. I’m so weak when it comes to him and the thing is that I think my husband is more attractive than him but I just have this connection to him I can’t let go of.

      • Clair

        And the thing that has me really hurt right now is I saw the married man this week and the next day my son had surgery. He has not once asked me how he was doing or how was I doing. I texted and told him everything and when I said something he said well I I didn’t know who was around you. But the next day we were home and he was at work and still didn’t text me and ask me.

      • Aria

        Clair
        Connection is the same as addiction. Some people can let go immediately.some can stay away but they need time to find comfort and forget things. And some other couldn’t handle it alone they come and go and come and go again and again.. until they can walk away easily.
        So I think yes it might be love or passion from him. Who knows? But men are usually more logical than wemon
        So if he said he want to go cause of any reason, and if he really walk away once and then he came back it means he couldn’t handle it alone.
        So I put him in the third group of people which need help of others and time to let go.
        My guess is he will go soon cause if we can let someone go or walk away from someone one time we can do it for a thousand times again.
        So I think if you cut this relationship your self sooner it will give you a better feeling about your self and this decision will help you.
        Cause break up with them is hard enough so it’s better to say the last word’s and make last decision on our own instead of being pushed away by some one else.
        Wish you luck and strength.

      • Clair

        I totally agree. What’s so hard is we live in the same little town our kids go to school together so I know I’m going to see him from time to time from here on out unless they move. On the weekends if he happens to be going into town he will message me and see if I can meet him but if I do that he won’t respond half the time. He used to call me babe or baby all the time and now he says he’s not going to because he feels like I’ll get to attached! I mean has he been living under a rock the last 2 years?? We are beyond attached! But he said it the other day to me. He confuses me big time! I honestly don’t think he knows what he wants. Sometimes I feel like he does love me and sometimes I wonder does he really but then I think if he didn’t he wouldn’t have a hard time to letting me go. He has said that before that its hard on him to when we’re not “together”. I’m your opinion do you think he truly cares and can’t let go of me either?

      • Shiv

        Clair,
        I can relate to your story on so many levels, it’s like all these married men give us the same lines and we still continue to be suckers for them. Tonight I did speak with my married men and I was like a crazy women for a solid hour and I told him it was over and he begged me to give him one last chance & that he will do his best by me and he knows he has treated me badly and it’s going to stop. And of course I’ve given him another chance … even though I hate that phrase I’ll do my best because it’s like a get out of jail free card if he doesn’t do something I know he will say but I did my best… The hardest part of this is I know I need to walk away before I lose everything ,my husband, hurt my kids for someone who doesn’t really give a dam. What is wrong with me I’m normally a logical person but for some reason I can’t walk away from this.. Why do we do it ? Reading these comments I know we are all sound minded women so why do these men have so much power so frustrating….

      • Shiv

        Clair,

        They are my thoughts too, we have husbands that love us & I know if he ever found out about my married man I would lose it all and cause so much hurt in the process to my kids, my husband. But I can’t let go … it’s a hold that I cannot explain, and what’s even more frustrating the less he gives me the more I want him… today he messaged me loads but I know I’m a side piece I know I’ll never be as important as his wife … and because of all this I have been so down the last while and my husband is so worried about me … he is the one that deserves all my love and attention but I can’t let go… I think if I’m
        Honest for months I believed me and my married man would end up together and we would be happy but the more I read these comments it’s unrealistic and delusional. These men will never leave there wife’s because they don’t want to be the bad guys they are not prepared for the fallout even though we are because we love them so much, we aren’t worth that risk that chance. I don’t know how many times my married man says but what if I leave and it doesn’t work out ….. I just wish we all had the strength to walk away because we all deserve happiness not dealing with the highs & lows of a relationship that’s set to fail. I’m a shadow of my former self always feeling so low … any advice on how to get through this how to see the bigger picture ?

    • lifelessons

      These married men just don’t care. They act like they do when the relationship benefits them. As soon as they grow bored or tired, or can’t “handle” it anymore, they withdraw without so much as a decent goodbye. They don’t care how you’ll be affected. Why should they? They’ve got their wives to go back to. They may make us think so, but we are not and can never be more important than their wives, their families. They lie to get what they want and once they have, they don’t bother anymore.
      Shiv, it will not get better. It will only get worse. You are a side object to him, just as I was to mine. They don’t see us as human beings, and they sure as hell don’t treat us like humans. We’re just playthings for them.
      It’s like when you’ve played a game too many times and you lose interest, completely. You don’t bother playing it again. You don’t want to try to rekindle your interest in it. The interest is gone so you throw it away or just leave it lying wherever you’ve left it, not caring what happens to it or where it ends up.
      This is exactly what we are to these men. So just end it. It’s not worth it.
      I have an intense obsession with my married man. I am in a situation and I need support. I get none from him. I read one of the posts about a child who has to go through operation. I’m not surprised he hasn’t asked how either mother or child is doing.
      They don’t care. They benefit nothing from the relationships with us any longer, so the pretense has stopped. They won’t bother.
      It would be a different story if their wives needed them.
      My MM showed me just how much he doesn’t care. It hurts because I believed all the sh*t he told me. Now that his actions are speaking so clearly, I have no choice but to try and accept. I was a game, and he got bored with me.
      The best thing is to cut contact, but it’s not easy.
      I feel like the walking dead. My heart has been torn and my soul is crushed.
      Eventually when he leaves you, you will feel like I do. You don’t want it to come to that. Spare a few shreds of your heart, keep a little part of it intact, by just ending it with him.
      It’s way better than him dumping you.
      You deserve so much better.

      I wish you all the best.

      • Clair

        Shiv,

        I’ve been the same way with mine. Time and time again we’ve broke up but seemed to find our way back to each other. I know what I could lose if we were found out but he’s got a hold of me that I can’t explain. I haven’t talked to mine since Friday which he got upset at me cause I texted him but was with his wife and he just ignored me and later ok I said what is your problem??? And since we live in the same town we go to the same stores and on the weekends if one of us is going we will text each other. Well I did and he ignored me again! I’m so hurt at him cause I would never do that to him. I’ve not texted him today and he probably won’t text me. I’m just so mad at him right now. I just want to see how long he will go until he does text me.

      • Soinlove

        That’s what my married man says too..in face we just had a conversation the other day and he said those exact words “what if I leave and it doesn’t work”.. and I said..you’ll never know if you don’t give us a chance. I understand his fears and I told him that I do get it. But if I am “the love of his life” wouldn’t it be worth a shot with me? Truth is, these men are good liars. They are very very good at telling us what we want to hear. I believe he loves me but I don’t believe I am the love of his life or he wouldn’t still be curled up to her in bed and letting day after day pass by without being with me.

        He gave her a shot when he married her..there’s never a promise of that working out.. but I guess I’m not worth that risk..

    • Popo

      I am in the situation now Shiz. He says to me I ask too many questions (when I ask what he is doing on weekends etc). I am partly in love with the fact that he is so successful-we work together. Its an ego thing I guess. He will open all my messages and not respond and when he does this -boy it hurts.
      I told him it was over 2 weeks ago and I had to move from my addiction. 2 days later- with one halfbaked message he sent me, I was back in his arms. Then a week later he takes a vacation with his wife and completely ignores me all weekend. When I complain he shouts at me and says ‘I am with my wife, Respect her ‘ Really. For some reason I do not feel bad about his wife at all. If anything I am so jealous and angry at her. Weird I know. Gosh, am I normal.
      Seriously I am so smart, young, have a husband who is also so successful but what the hell am I doing. The more he ignores me its like the more I want him. I know what I need to do. Know it all but just can’t seem to move….. What is wrong with me.
      I have been reading the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle….. Amazing help…. I always feel strong when reading it then an hour later…. Im back to being a stupid weak girl-texting non stop….
      I dont have the strength to let go. I don’t know why…..

  • Aria

    I saw a video my married man shared on instagram, he was at concert. I couldn’t control sadness and tears. I do not miss him and it’s not regret. I just….
    I don’t want him to go on like before and be happy while I am hurt. I know it’s not my job to think of this thing but it just rush to my mine
    I’m so sorry for my self so sorry that I hurt my self and so sorry that I done everything but it seems not done for me.
    If any one has the same feeling about their married men, or had, and can help somehow I will be happy to hear.

    • ihatemyself

      I feel the same! I just had a baby with him. She is an adorable 5 week old baby girl. While him and his wife had a son through IVF only a week earlier than my daughter. And I hate seeing him happy on instagrams and facebook. I stopped feeling miserable, for the sake of my baby. But somehow I feel sorry for my baby. She doesnt deserve this. And I blame this all to myself. We still talk, he still calls me everyday. As much as I want to cut our communication its really impossible at the moment.

      I hear and feel all of the ladies here.
      There is a rainbow always after the rain!
      We will get there soon enough ladies.
      Stay strong.

    • Heartbreak

      Hi Aria. You said you don’t miss your married man and it’s not regret, but if isn’t that, then what is it? You cry and feel sorry for yourself while you think he is happy. Maybe he is and maybe he isn’t, these married men don’t really let on how they feel about you. As I said before, they look happy to us but it may not be a fact, just our perception. Anyway you are feeling all the feelings that all of us have gone through or are going through. Of course it hurts when they just turn tail and go back to their families, I spent countless sleepless nights trying to comprehend how he can move on like that while I suffer so much. He was the guy all girls dream of in their sweetest dreams, and if someone had told me before that he would pull away suddenly and act as if I don’t exist, I wouldn’t have believed them. But I’ve stopped thinking about the “how could he”and the “why did he” and just accepted that some answers will not be given to us until we are able to live them. It’s just so useless trying to understand their behavior, they are what they are and after beating ourselves long enough we have no option but to cut our losses and move on. Focus on yourself, take it off him and his life/health/happiness whatever. When they don’t spare that much of thought for us, why do we kill ourselves with the obsessing and ruminating? I don’t know how far from your breakup you are, but peace comes. It comes very slowly, but it does.

      • Aria

        Heartbreak
        We have been together for 4 month and then I cut it, now one and half months have passed from my break up with the married man.
        Yes it a very unknown feeling and when it comes I just fell like I want to be dead If death can cut it I’m ready. Those moments are soon painful. I feel like every hard second passes like a year
        Your right about stop asking those questions but when those feelings rush to you its really impossible to be mindful

    • Sim

      Hey Aria, I’m sorry that you saw the things that hurt you, I know how it feels so I want to share my feelings with you. When we were still together, my MM and I blocked each other on most of communication means, because he didn’t want me to see his updates, I didn’t either because I know that would hurt me. But once, I used another account to look for his Facebook updates and what I saw was his posts of their honeymoon trip to Maldives with the hashtag #anywherewithwifeisbest, and another post that said “Being with the one you love is the best thing in this world” – i broke down completely, who I am to this man? I felt like a fool, a stupid lame girl who still believed I was all he thought of everyday. I told me about how I felt and he had nothing to explain, but he said “Why did you do it, you know for sure it will hurt you and you still do it. I block you and everyone else (our mutual friends) for a reason. There are things that shouldn’t be known of for a better sake”. 3 days I didn’t say anything because my heart was torn into million pieces but he was still there, taking care of me, loving me in the best way he could. He knew how hurt I was. After that, I promised myself I would never do such thing again because it felt like suicide. Until recently, he broke up with me, and one of my friend accidentally told me they looked very happy expecting their first baby. I couldn’t help seeing his wife’s Facebook page, and the first thing I saw is the profile picture of him kissing his wife’s pregnant belly in black & white. I was almost fainted. That was after his wife found out about us the 2nd time, and he decided to leave me. Only a few weeks after that, while I was still in great pain, struggling to survive and keeping myself from going insane, I saw that picture. It was like the final stab in my heart, and it killed me right there, alive. I can’t never describe enough how hurtful it was, so my advice to you is refrain yourself from social network, until you think you are ready to see, to look, to know how happy they are doing, because obviously they are gonna show the sadness or the negativity. We are all living in a fake world, just stay away and protect your heart.

  • Rhea

    It’s been one month since the married man ended it with me and I haven’t contacted him since, neither has he. I feel so proud of myself. I am so proud that I am able to stand my ground. In the past, when he had ended it, I had contacted him at 9 days after and then 3 weeks after that. This time, I didn’t. I can’t wait for the second month to come. I looked at myself in the mirror and I felt so proud of me.
    Inside, it is so difficult. Yesterday was a difficult day because my husband and I argued. My husband was so nasty to me and I ached for my ex. I yearned to feel his arms around, to lie on his chest, to run my fingers through his hair, to hear his voice. But I reminded myself that what he gave me was not true love. If it was, it if is, he would wonder how I am, he would reach out to me. He would tell me how he feels but he hasn’t because he doesn’t feel the same way. Silence is an answer.
    And I am a beautiful, vibrant woman who has so much to give to people who deserve it. I vowed to myself to never give myself to people who don’t deserve it. I am so much better than that.
    There are days when I ache for him and days when I am so angry. My revenge though, will be to heal myself. To not just survive but to become better; to be stronger; to not wear my heart on my sleeve; to not need anyone’s affirmation.
    I’ve set goals for myself for this year. Find a new job, finish my book, work on my body. And I hope that if I ever run into him; that I can show him that he was a jerk. I vow to never let him see me naked again.
    I’m sure he’s a bit surprised that I didn’t go running back. Since he’s known me, he’s seen me as being mad for him. This is a person that he doesn’t expect.
    He can sit in his marriage and continue to cheat on his wife. I have a whole wonderful life to live without this married man!!!
    I am looking forward to my healing and looking forward to distancing myself from him. Can’t wait for the next months and years to come without him.

    • StrongerEveryDay

      This makes me so happy to hear! That’s exactly how you should feel, and I agree some days will be so hard. I learned through my situation that the married man can learn to make his way back in even when you think it’s done forever, so it’s something to prepare for in order to not fail. Stay strong, this is what everyone needs to hear. It WILL get better. To me, it’s like the stages of death. You go through shock, denial, anger, sadness and time heals. Proud of you lady, keep it going!!! <3

      • Rhea

        Thank you StrongerEveryDay for your kind words. Today, I ached so badly for my married man. It comes and goes, the grief. And anger comes. The memories torture me. They seem to play like a movie in my head and laugh at me, mock me. Out of the blue, I’ll imagine a time I held his hand or fed him from my plate or we laughed at something funny. And I feel as if someone is squeezing my heart.
        But I keep it moving because this is my life!!! He is living his. He wanted time he said. How about a life time? That’s what I’m giving him. A life time without me. I know he won’t be happy at home. He’s fooling himself. I wish he had the sense to leave me alone. He pursued me. I will never go back!!! Not to him or any other man who’s not mine. Who needs crumbs?

      • StrongerEveryDay

        EXACT same process for me, Rhea. You are so right about it all. That’s what helps me stay strong…knowing they will continue in a lie and never truly be happy. We will suffer more short-term pain, they will endure a lifetime of it while we have the chance to be free and find our special guy. I know it’s hard for some to believe their married man is the one, but that’ll change with time. As I said before, it’s a constant proactive mindset that takes effort everyday to keep growing stronger. I know it gets better as I’ve been through it and thought I would die without him in the past. It gets better!!! Stay strong!!

    • Angelina

      Hi, this blog is so motivating, i read each one of ur posts and i am encouraged to share my experience as well. Plz plz plz read it and tel me if m going in the right direction as i cant discuss it with anyone.. i am married, no kids, have an extremely loving husband but still i fell for this married man at work whos quite elder to me. His wife n kid lives in a different city so he was here all alone and thats how we came close. I had never thought that i can drift away from my marriage as my husband loves me so much and so do i, i always thought there was no room for anyone else but i fell for this man. He used to give me attention n compliments so i used to feel flattered.. we started going on dates n eventually got intimate. He used to tell me that he loves me a lot but cant leave his wife (for obvious reasons) so there’s no way we can ever marry but he wants us to carry on this way all our lives. He said we will always be together. I too fell in love with him so deep that i forgot the line between right & wrong. We would be together at every opportunity. He had not hidden anything from me and i knew abt his marriage but still there used to be times wen i had emotional outbursts and i wud tel him how he gives his wife more attention and wud fight with him.. he wud always try to make me understand n thn we wud b good agn.. once my husband almost read his texts and was shocked.. i had a terrible time that night as he kept yelling at me for cheating on him..i sumhow controlled the situation n calmed him down but he started suspecting me from that day onwards. I was all alone that night, i tried callin this man but he was with his wife that night so obviously didnt answer.. i was totally blank n saw my marriage falling apart but i had noone to talk to, not even the one i risked it for! The next day i told him abt this n all he cud tel me was try to calm him down.. he kept tellin me that if he finds the truth abt our relationship theres not much that he can do coz he has a family of his own.. i was shocked wen i heard this but so blindfolded in love that i ignored the fact that if my husband really gets to know n decides to divorce me, i wil hav nowhere to go! Today wen i think abt it, my blood only boils.. we continued being together despite my husband’s doubting on me. I always saw him as my soulmate, my spouse n did things which normally a wife only wud do for a husband.. i gave my 200% to this relationship whether emotionally, financially, mentally, physically.. invested so much time, money, feelings.. but all in vain as i didnt get even an iota of it in return.. he always used to ignore me wenever he would travel back to his home saying his wife is arnd. My fairytale got shattered months ago wen I found out hes stil having sex with his wife!! I felt as if a hot knife sliced through my heart. I mean y wud he do so if he doesnt love her n if hes getting everything from me?i guess he just wanted different flavors thats it! I brokeup with him soon after that but we agn patched up n he told me its her who initiated n he cudnt deny. Thats the stupidest excuse to give but as i was a fool, I swallowed it..Recently he lost his job and was devastated as he was facing a tough time finding another job. I supported him as much as i can.. tried to make him happy by watever means i could. Few days back he left this city to be back in his hometown where his wife n kid are n is looking for a job there only. He made allthese promises before leaving that his love n feelings wil never change n he wil call me everytime he gets an opportunity n wil take me for a holiday once he gets a job blah blah blah.. but after going there he just flipped. We talk for a very little time n he even texts very less. I have to look at the watch n call or text him coz his wife is sticking to him all the time like a piece of s**t.. i just cant imagine him going to her or sharing the bed with her.. i keep wandering if they r making love! Honestly, I just cant stand his wife’s presence in his life.. i never wished bad for anyone but i feel m turning into a psycho! I keep stalking him n his wife on Facebook to see wat they r doing! I never was like this. Infact, i hav started getting criminal tendencies n i wish that she should just die! I dnt knw wats happening with me.. I finally sent him a msg saying m unable to carry on like this n want to end it.. did i do the right thing??

      • Heartbreak

        Hi Angelina. I can relate so well to what you wrote. I used to go on this roundabout with my married man also, the jealousy and the hurt and the wife sticking to him all the time. The promises to be together like this forever. Torturing myself about them sleeping together. Even the wishing her dead! It’s madness but it’s a madness only a woman in an affair with a married man can understand. I think you should break up with him, otherwise you will lose your husband too. When things get to this level of dysfunction, it doesn’t get better. Whatever this married man says, it’s at best an illusion and at worse, blatant lies. We think our mm don’t lie to us, but believe me, they are very convincing in their lies. They have to be, to maintain long term affairs with us. You gave him a lot, you don’t owe him anything. He will never commit to you, the moment he gets in hot water with you, he will turn back to his wife in such a way that it will leave your head spinning. They are masters at that. Be strong and give him up before you destroy yourself and your marriage. Take help from friends and take therapy if you are able to. Go no contact. Don’t leave the door open. It’s the only way.

      • Angelina

        Hi Heartbreak, i think you are so right.. all blatant lies & illusions and nothing else that was! Its been 2 days i sent my married man the breakup mail & i was feeling so relaxed & free that day, he replied saying u have gone mad n u cant stop me from loving you. I will continue loving you, all those false words but i ignored his reply. I was feeling so good the day i sent him that mail but today am back to square one! I miss him and keep on crying 🙁 yesterday I almost broke down in front of my husband while having dinner but I stopped at the right time. I don’t wanna be weak again or go back to him! i pray to god that tables should turn n he should be in my place & go through what m experiencing.. maybe some day i will totally be over him but he will repent and miss me and realize he lost someone who loved him the most.. towards beginning of our affair we both were ok with the fact that we are married and cant leave our families but we still want to b together.. i too love my husband but as we grew intimate it was impossible for me to agree to this pact! I fell more & more in love with him each day n wanted to marry him. So many times i tried to make my married man feel jealous by telling him how me and my husband had a romantic night but he was totally unperturbed, whereas I couldn’t tolerate that he goes close to his wife even for a day! I think if he truly loved me he couldn’t digest anyone touching me but he was completely ok! He used to tell me that he wants a child with me and I also wanted the same, but luckily I came to my senses at the right time & ended it with him!
        Also I believe that my married man was with me only coz he was alone in this city. And he had been married for a long time now n it lacked spice n spark.. he just looked at me as a means to ignite that spark! Once he went back to his family, everything changed! I feel so used n fooled..

      • Sim

        Heartbreak, i like to read your writing about how to deal with the thoughts of the married man and his wife. I think for me that’s the biggest obsession. I know my married man loved me truly and during the time together, i couldnt complain any bit about how he treated me, we were in love head over heel. But only when he left me did i realize it was all about his wife and his kids. Iam in a jealous craze with his wife. The first time she found out he was still sticking with me but the second time he left. And she is now happy because finally her husband always comes back to her. She told me they are gonna be with each other until thei hair is grey. Every time i think of him now, i think of how happy they are together. And every time i see any other happy families with the little kids, i relate to him and his wife. I become obsessesed and it beats me up. You told me that these married men are not really happy but they are. MY married man, he is married to the one he loves, spending time with her, having a baby with her, building a life with her, everything is smooth. What else to be unhappy about? Me? Yes he may miss me for a while, but that doesnt change the fact that he has left me forever. Im the loser here.

  • Hardtime

    I am so temped to send his wife a note. She has almost found out a few times but then he lies his way out of it and steps back from me that does not last long. I know telling her wont change anything. I was doing so well had not seen him in 2 months but got slipped up last week and had a great night but since then i feel bad cause of course he got what he wanted and has stepped away from me again. I have almost gone no contact his number is no longer on my phone but for some reason cant un friend the facebook. He has been ignoring me the last few days i should be happy but I am not. Why cant she just find out and he get what he deserves. I need to fully step away i deserve better i know, but am having a very hard time.

    • fiona

      Hardtime, don’t do it – you’ll feel ten times worse afterwards, trust me I’ve done it. It did nothing in my case, if anything it made them more determined to stay together. And caused me a heap of stress. Keep your power and your dignity

      • Hardtime

        Thank you. I never would do it but it goes though my head. I am deserve better and i need to keep telling my self that

    • Aria

      Hardtime
      There is only one way to heal.let go of him. Don’t think of what he might get and deserve.dont think about their life together. Think about your self…
      This man came to your life and treated you with cheating and lying. He will get what he deserves and he will pay for all your pain and suffer but if you keep thinking about it and if you think that’s your responsibility it just make you suffer more. You have to let it go.
      I know it’s hard I was in your shoes but try to remember your self.what u deserve,things you like to do,body you like to have, languages you like to learn and so many other habits that can help you.
      Make a plan for your self and find or make something that can give you a new meaning and hope and desire for life.
      And my favourite, try meditation!
      I know it’s so hard to foces in sadness and your depression and revenge mood will come back to you time to time but try to release your self from all of those thing and it will become a day that you will be some one he hope to have.be strong

      • Hardtime

        Thank you for your kind words. yes Meditation has help greatly. I am keeping busy and that seems to help too and bring me to my happy self that i was. When he comes to mind I am trying to think of all the times he made me cry or I just try and think of a happy time before this mess. Slowly I am sure it will get better just its hard sometimes and hearing from other people and the encouragement is good so thank you!!

  • Heartbreak

    Hey everyone. With the volume of comments it’s sometimes hard to follow the thread so I’ll just write a new one. So many of you have been saying about how your married men are back with their families and are happy and are having babies and forming stronger bonds with their spouses. It feels like that to us, but I don’t think that’s really how it is. Yeah, they left us. They left us because at some point, it became too much trouble to keep us. They may still love us or they may not, I can’t say for sure. But they sure as heck are done. The married ones who do get back with us will do so temporarily because they miss us or we coerce them to, but the same pattern will play out. They don’t respect their wives, the same way they didn’t respect us. And they hardly ever love them. They go back because in their minds they made a promise to God and to society, and this is their own distorted version of honoring that. It’s not like the wife suddenly became fun or sexy or whatever it is that they were seeking when they came to us. She is what she is, and their relationship is still what it was when he started to stray. We lose them and that’s why they seem like such a prize and think his life went back to being hunky dory, because of our less than reasonable thinking post breakup. Don’t beat yourself up thinking that they are happy while you are still marinating in your pain. The married man may have detached from you emotionally but that’s because their brain is wired differently to ours. But they are not as happy as they project. So please don’t add sadness to your healing process thinking that. It’s hard enough without us adding our perception to things. Let me put a question to all of you. “What would you be, without the thought that (married man) is happy without you while you are suffering?” Think about it.

    • Going Crazy

      Heartbreak, that is what I needed to hear today. I work with the married man and he is in “love” with his wife and will always be even though she has cheated on him twice and will always forgive her. I am broken and he is broken and our pieces were a fix together for awhile. He just called into the office, happy laughing (he is on vacation with his wife and kids)….etc. I am usually a happy, energetic, sunshine and rainbows type of girl, he said “hey there”, my heart went to my chest and my whole demeanor changed to sad blah blah blah. I know what he liked about me was the fun loving energetic person and I can’t find that anymore.

    • Sim

      Yes heartbreak. I can feel his pains and how much he misses me too. The feelings are almost mutual, i know the moment i think of him, he probably thinks of me too. We have so much in common that we are almost excellent at mind reading. But at the end of the day, its all about the fact that im left with nothing while he has everything intact. He kisses his wife’s pregnant belly and put a picture on his facebook page, Why else should i perceive it except that he’d doing so fine, he’s gained back his wife’s trust and most importantly, his action said it all, he left me, he dumped me so he can run back to his wife and protect his family no matter what. He can watch me die but never let the same thing happen to his wife. What else is left for me?

    • Rhea

      Heartbreak,
      Thanks for putting this in perspective. My ex told me that he wanted to work things out in his marriage. After a year of being with me. That his wife talked to him on Valentine’s day about mending their marriage. Bullsh**! He was planning on dumping me for a while. In fact, he did exactly that 4 months ago.
      So, let me tell you guys how crazy I am. I read my married man’s love horoscope everyday wondering how he’s getting along with his wife or whether he had another woman when he had me. I woke up in the middle of the night and was imagining him holding his wife and making love to her. I wondered if they make love multiple times the way we did; whether its passionate. I wonder if he’s happy; does he feel relieved that he was able to walk away from me without me creating drama. I allowed him to walk away. I cried and I told him that I loved him but that i won’t try to make him stay.
      I hope that everyday when his phone is without any calls or messages from me, that the silence eats away a little at him. I hope that he lies in bed and is lonely and unhappy. I don’t wish the best for him. He exploited my love. He pursued me and used me and discarded me when he was done.
      So, I do hurt thinking that he’s happy with her but as Heartbreak says, its the same marriage. I am married too and my marriage is very very troubled. My husband had cheated on me repeatedly. And mending my marriage seems so difficult so I can’t imagine how my ex can now be happy all of a sudden.

    • StrongerEveryDay

      THANK YOU! This is what I have been trying to convey as well. First, social media makes people look much happier than reality. How many people do you know who post happy, loving photos while being unhappy or flat out miserable? I see it all the time. What you see on Facebook or other sites is a small fraction of everyday living. You only see what people want others to see, and you only see the good times, not the bad. There are 24 hours in a day and it only takes a few seconds to upload a happy post. I quit looking at my married man’s wife’s account because it’s all fake. She would post a pic of them on vacay and he would be with me a week later. It’s not real in many cases. Plus, if they are good enough to cheat on someone without anyone else knowing, they sure as heck can lie about and fake their happiness. Haven’t we all done that at times? Laugh and throw on a smile to keep our good natured personalities intact to others? Second, unless a guy is a true narcissist (which means he’s not capable of true love), you cannot commit adultery then go back to being happy with your spouse like nothing happened. As I mentioned before, that doesn’t happen unless you truly repent to God and/or your spouse and even then it takes work. It will never be the same again. As you mentioned, guys are programmed differently, and I know that’s hard for all of us to truly understand. I’ve read TONS of articles about cheating married men and fact is they will always choose to stay in a comfortable situation, even if it’s not what they want, because it’s easier. They may want you more, but it doesn’t matter. The consequences of changing their lives is not worth the hassle. “But if he loved me, he would do it.” Trust me, I said that over and over until I realized (after much research and listening to everyone’s stories on here) that it’s NOT LOVE. Real love doesn’t make you feel the worst pain ever, and it doesn’t change you for the worse like many of us have/did through our experiences. Lastly, something I realized in myself and many of the ladies on here is that we miss our married men even more because of what they have now. They have marriage, kids, a family to spend time, and usually more money with while we are alone. For me, I started to realize I’m jealous of what he has, but my time will come. We deserve someone who will marry us and make us their world. We deserve someone who respects our relationship and makes us feel like the best person in the world. I know many are scared that they won’t connect with someone like they did their married men, and even I have that fear sometimes, but I have faith and believe it will happen. I don’t deserve to be second or lower priority to a man. I’ve already seen how each day heals, so you have to believe and proactively work on your mindset. I went from crying nonstop to crying every so often to now having a heavy heart. It’s a slow healing process, but will get better. Each time you cave you have to start all over. After awhile, enough is enough and you push through. Be strong my loves, we all sympathize with you and understand the pain. Keep reading and researching and focusing on the negative aspects of the relationship, not the good ones. It will make you stronger!! <3

  • fiona

    Well I’ve undone every bit of progress I made – I was clearing up and found a letter he wrote me, ‘I love you so much, I miss you’ blah blah blah. And it made me so angry that I took a picture of it and emailed it to him, knowing that his wife controls his email now. And it other stuff in there that I hoped he hadn’t told her. Nothing I have told her ever seems to make the slightest difference, he even told me that the problem is that she keeps forgiving him, and that it would be much easier if she was the one to end their marriage.
    So now he knows I’m still hurting, which he probably gets an ego boost from. I’m such an idiot. I’m at the lowest point I’ve ever been at.

    • Heartbreak

      Hey Fiona, it’s ok. This happens. So you broke no contact. And let him know you still hurt. So what? Of course you still hurt, you are a normal woman and people hurt from getting played in the way we get played. These men have decided to play ostrich and bury their heads in the sand so that they dont have to face their pain or ours, that doesn’t make them better than us. At least we are working at releasing our honest emotions. Unlike them, they can act as if it’s ok to move on like that with no kindness or compassion, but guess what? Karma will get them in the end. You don’t undo all your progress with one transgression. Don’t beat yourself up. Just don’t.

    • Maria

      Dear Fiona,

      I am so sorry for the way you are feeling. I know that feeling all too well, as I went back to my married man twice. Even once after him telling me that he and his wife were expecting their second child. You are not alone in this. Most of us have all gone back to them, I can guarantee that. Just think about this…if his wife is stupid enough to know about all of this and still go back to him and forgive him…don’t you think you deserve better? Of course you love him and you miss him. As I still love and miss mine. But let them live their miserable lives and set yourself free from all of this. I don’t know how long you were in this relationship or how long your bit of progress has been but don’t get down on yourself. We all have our weak moments but try your best to fight through them and be strong. You deserve so much better. XOXO

    • Aria

      Fiona
      You are a woman. Tell me. Is that even possible for you to live with some one and be unable to figure out he is lying? No. Never. Don’t bother your self those lady’s back home knows every thing.
      Be strong. Sadness and pain will come and go till some day that they will be dissappear…don’t try to ignore them. Take the pain. Feel it in your body and soul. Be proud of it. And then it will go.
      And know this if it make you feel better he is in a horrible pain but he is just faking like he is strong. While he is not. And he gonna pay for all the pain you feel now but you don’t have to even think of that miserable man. You are the one who is important.

    • G

      Hi Fiona I’m right there with you. I’ve been a psychotic mess over my married man. They suck and I wish I could rewind the clock. This has caused me insomnia, weight loss, depression, anxiety. They’re in hell and even though I wouldn’t wish bad on anyone I have to say I kind of do with them. We were on the phone yesterday and I mentioned something about blocking me on his phone and he lost it. He hung up on me and said I don’t need your drama anymore. WTF I need to walk away. Too bad we work together. I have to get a new job.

      • Rhea

        Reminds me of my ex. Whenever I questioned him about anything, he lost it, was impatient and rude. He is a cheater after all. So I should have believed everything he said to me? These men have such egos. They want to control the interactions.

  • Maria

    Hello there,

    Reading all of these comments truly makes me feel like I’m not alone in this. Today marks two weeks since I ended things with my married man and today is truly the worst day of my life. Actually, yesterday was because I was weak and texted him. We talked back and forth for a couple of hours and afterwards I felt so dumb. I haven’t been able to stop the tears. I’m so hurt.

    I was with him a total of two and a half years. We met at work and thankfully I do not work with him anymore, but am still in the same industry. I was married when we first started the affair. But my marriage was ending. My ex husband and I decided to call it quits after 7 years of being together and 1 being married (he was my high school sweetheart). Things with my married man and I were simply just physical. We agreed, only sex…no emotional feelings. Until six months after that he confessed his feelings for me. I of course already had feelings for him but was afraid to tell him. Things after that felt amazing. We got to know each other on another level and we fell in love with one another. He’s everything I want in a man. He is my best friend. I never loved or felt this way about my ex husband. October of 2015 he ended things with me and told me his wife was expecting their second child and he couldn’t do this anymore. That was a year after the start of our affair (it started September 2014). I was crushed. Hurt. I felt stupid and used. A week went by and he texted me that he can’t live without me and that I’m truly the only woman that he loves. I took him back. This time he started saying he was going to divorce his wife. He wanted to marry me. We even talked about building a house together. I was in lala land. We were together up until August 2016 (baby was born March) He broke up with me once again. This time was because I had made a comment that I want kids. He is 37 and I’m 27. That freaked him out and he said he didn’t want any more kids. I begged him not to leave him and that I would sacrifice not having children of my own in order to be with him. He still ended things. Two weeks went by. It was the worst two weeks of my life. I didn’t eat, almost lost my job, had to get on medication, and attempted to end my life. After two weeks he texted me and I got sucked in once again. This time was harder. I didn’t trust him, the butterflies went away, I wouldn’t be giddy to see him anymore. But I couldn’t lose him. I couldn’t live without him. Finally I had enough. We continued to fight and I finally saw it coming. We took a break three weeks ago that lasted a week. After the week we texted and he told me that he cannot leave because of his kids. I finally told him I had enough and ended it. We said our goodbyes over text and I asked him to never contact me.Surprisingly, I didn’t react the way I did the last time we tried ending things. I cried a little but I felt free and like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was doing ok for the most part until yesterday morning. I missed him. I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to text him so many times before and never did but yesterday I was weak. I texted him I miss you and he responded. He told me that he missed me and loved me and prayed every night that I’d text him because he respected my wishes that I wanted no contact. He said if I ever needed to talk to him that he’s always there for me because he will love me I until the day he dies. I feel so confused. I’m dying on the inside. I feel that I will never find a man and I will be alone forever. He was my best friend and we had everything in common. I’m afraid that every man I meet I will compare to my married man and I’m afraid I will push them away. I would love to have someone to talk to about this. Email or by phone. I feel so alone. I have my mom and friends but I feel like they don’t truly understand what I’m going through. I hope someone comments…

    Be strong ladies, we are all in this together and we will get through this…let’s support one another. Feel free to comment and maybe exchange emails?

    • Heartbreak

      Hi Maria. I am so sorry for the pain you are in. It comes across in all its poignant emotion. Your marriage ended and now you are in a dead end relationship with your married man. This endless cycle of making up and breaking up is the most dreadful and soul destroying aspect of an affair with a married man. It is so emotionally exhausting and you become a shell of your former self, all wrecked up and unable to move on. I so totally get how you are feeling right now. See something that I have realized is that this kind of back and forth is not love, not really. It’s attachment. It’s addiction. It’s obsession. You are unable to cut loose even when it has worn down your last nerve. You yourself said that you don’t trust him anymore, and the butterflies went away. We recognize with our higher self that it’s a futile venture and doomed for failure, but the reptilian part of our brain just cannot let go of the attachment it has formed. I read somewhere that doing the same thing over and iover again and expecting different results is relationship insanity and we will keep getting the same message over and over from the universe until we learn from it what we need to. It’s not working, you can see that. He won’t marry you or leave his wife or give you a baby or any of those things you deserve. I’d say let his wife have his sorry ass, she, poor woman, is stuck with him while you are free if you can just see it as freedom. There is no other way to get out of relationships like these except for total and absolute no contact. Of course you will miss him, but tell me, has reaching out given you anything except pain? If It doesn’t work out once, or at the most the second time around, there is NO WAY that it will ever work out. Trust me as someone who has done all that and regret it from the bottom of my heart. I’ve been out four months from a nine year relationship, this is the fourth and final breakup and although I miss him very much, I can see that I don’t want him back. It’s just the attachment that I am working to release. He may have felt like your best friend, but tell me honestly, do friends treat each other that way? Once you heal from the breakup you will not care about him or compare other men with him. But you have to heal the right way and move on before you commit to another relationship. Otherwise you will just follow out the same patterns in the next one. We get suckered back in because they keep saying they love us and miss us. Well of course they do. But so what? That still is no excuse to get back into a dysfunctional relationship. He has a wife and kids, his first priority will always be them. While you suffer alone, he has his family to go back to. Don’t do this to yourself. It’s so not worth it. Just ride the pain and aceept that all days are not created equal. Some days you will feel better and some days you want to reach out so badly that it feels as if your heart is being ripped apart. Sit with it. Let it pass. If you don’t act on it, it does pass. The healing is very gradual, but you do heal every day that you are away from him. Believe in God and the universe and time and whatever else you want to call it. You will get there, the other side of this pain is a beautiful fulfilling life awaiting you. There is. Really. Much love to you.

      • Trish

        This is so what I need. Just being blunt. I went a week without contact. I caved. I’ve spent the past week since trying to think I can have him as a friend and I know I can’t. He wants more and although he says he will try, all talk goes back to the sexual stuff. I’m going through chemo and am scared. Yet he had two evenings of not chatting with me because he has so much going on. Ok. And?? You don’t have five minutes for me. No. He showed he didn’t. Yet I’m sitting here this morning fighting the urge to flirt and get his attention. I won’t. I can’t. He doesn’t deserve it and I deserve better. My true friends check on me. He proved he isn’t a buddy. Wish my brain and heart would meet up soon. I know this can’t go anywhere else nor do I really want it to. Don’t want to break up a family and don’t think we are compatible in the long run anyway. But you are right. It’s like an addiction. He feeds my ego and makes me feel wanted. When he’s feeling like it of course. Ugh.

      • Maria

        Heartbreak…thank you so much for all your kind and encouraging words. They truly help so so so much. You are absolutely right, I can see that I do not want him back, but it’s just the attachment that I am working to release. It is so hard after having talked to this person all day every day. My heart goes out to you for being so brave and being fourth months out of a nine year relationship. I’m sure that you still have your bad days here and there but I love seeing the support and encouragement that you give to all of us that are struggling. It’s very comforting to know that I am not the only one going through this, as for the longest time I felt so alone and felt like such an awful person for being involved with a married man. Much love to you.

    • Sim

      Hey Maria, i know you are probably going through hell now,just like i am. Almost 3 months have passed but my wound is still fresh, and i miss him like crazy. We also knew each other from work but now, each of us is working for a different company and he’s left me because his wife is pregnant. These married men, they never choose us, they give up on us the moments we need them the most. We are always the 2nd option, the one they would never fight for. We do exchange email to make each other feel better, and ive known some of the brave ladies here and we are going through the hardship together. Email me at [email protected] if u want to talk.

      • Maria

        Hi Sim,

        Thank you for reaching out. I will send you an email shortly. You are right…we have always been the 2nd option to the married men. I realize now that there were a couple of times during our relationship where I was very sick. Once I even had to go to the hospital…and he couldn’t come see me. Why? because we are a secret. And the minute their wives go into labor…they will be holding their hands by their side. We deserve better than that. We deserve someone that can drop what they are doing to be there by our side when we need them the most.

    • Miku

      Hey strong and willed women!
      It is an amazing journey with all of you. As i read all your comments. It is empowering just the thought that i am not alone in this kind of relationship. And day by day we grow stronger imagine how our lives would be after this nightmare. If we were able to get into this situation then we can definitely come out of it stronger and better. We still have opportunities unlike our married men stuck with their wives. To those who think they dont even think about us ohhhh hell they are, and it kills them the thought that we can definitely move on after this. So stand up and think and act you can be better. And you can live your life free of baggages! And soon enough i know and i believe we will be with the man we deserve!

      We can do this!

      • Kiki

        Married men are human lol, they can and probably do have feelings for us but remember: more than likely there was someone before you and will be after you. This is what made it easy for me to let go.
        If he truly had “Those Deep Feelings ” he claimed to have for me he would have left no excuses. When a married man says ” I feel stronger for you than my wife” but does nothing to prove that please!!!! Words have been used forever to manipulate women wether the men are married or single. Just know how you as a woman would treat a man that you truly believed was the one… more than likely we wouldn’t let them just walk away. So all this BS of them leaving us alone no contact is just a way for them to emotionally manipulate us. They have observed us and know what most ,not all woman are like when in love. It’s all emotional trickery that’s how it starts, believe me . Cry, scream, lay in bed all weekend whatever you need to do to realize you are worth so much more than sexual scraps. These are cowards , if they truly don’t or can’t leave their wives get a prostitute and quite ruining good decent emotional woman’s lives. They are weak cowards that feed off of US because we let them. Please ladies remember we hold the keys. 😘🙏🏻

      • StrongerEveryDay

        Miku – 100% agree. One of the factors that helps is knowing they think about us and miss us and one day we won’t feel that, but they still will. The tables will turn and we will be happy again to the fullest while they will remain empty inside. We will be the short term sufferers and they will be long-term sufferers. Just remember that everyone and be strong!

    • Aria

      Hi darling I red your story and you know I think those unstable feelings are so normal you have to except them and be strong so you can done this relationship other way you will go back again and again and believe me every time make you fell sader and more ashamed than the last time so just be strong and don’t go back

      • Maria

        Thank you, Aria. I can’t go back to him. I am absolutely done with him. I just need to learn how to move on from the attachment I have. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read and respond to me. Much love to you!

    • StrongerEveryDay

      Hi sweet Maria. I totally relate to you. While my story started slightly different, the communication and breakups with my married man were the same as you. My biggest fear has been that I won’t meet someone who I connect with in the same capacity because I, as well as many others, feel our married men are/were our best friends and soulmates. When people talk about our married men as a drug, it’s the truth. It’s truly an emotional drug that provides a false sense of love and will destroy you. I had the exact same breakup convo with my married man. He said he will respect my wishes, but wants me to reach out any time and said he would always have my back and be there for me if ever needed as a friend. And he always was, but it’s impossible to just be friends. He will eventually give in whether in text or in person, then you will get hooked further and end up with disappointments. Disappointments…countless…that’s a big part of what helped me move on. Just like with anything, it’s a matter of how many times your heart and brain can take a beating before you are done. You will get there. You also have to make a PROACTIVE choice to work on it. I say this because it’s so easy for us to sit and wallow, which is normal, but I started reading articles and then found this website to help cope. Once you read dozens and dozens of similar stories, you realize your situation is not unique. You want to think it is, but learning from others helped tremendously. What hooked me hard one time was seeing my married man cry because he said he couldn’t leave wife and family and wanted to provide for me as the love of his life, but couldn’t as he felt bad abandoning innocent people. That’s when I “knew” he truly loved me and no user would cry like that for me. He was so genuine and cried multiple times. Then, I learned on this site many others went through the same thing. Someone once told me, “oh the tears…they always pull that one.” I was shocked. I have cried so hard the tears wouldn’t stop ever. I’m finally at a point where I don’t cry hard, but I tear up every so often and my heart is very heavy, like I can feel the pain. I KNOW it will keep getting better. How? Because I’ve moved on from my married man once in life and was great then fell back years later when we worked together again. I’m glad you don’t work with him anymore, that’s too dangerous. I also know we will find BETTER because God/life is not going to let the best person for us be unavailable. Not when we live well and are good people in our lives. Just like me, I bet most of us are amazing people who others would never guess would cheat. We were faced with temptation and failed badly, but we are redeemed and free by walking away. We have another chance in life and those guys do not. They will continue to be unhappy. The other thing that helps with staying away is that we won’t have the chance to let someone walk into our lives who will be free to love us unconditionally unless we stay free from married man…texts included. Don’t beat yourself up. I’ve gone long periods without talking then given in as well. It will get better. You deserve so much more. I’m only a few years older than you and mine started when I was 27 too through work with someone that much older than me too. So many of us are in the same situation. Keep focusing on you, read more stories and keep proactively working to get over him. We tend to focus on the good, but thinking about how they have mistreated us and disappointed us helps a lot too. We think they love us, but have you ever been in a worse relationship emotionally? I haven’t. It’s the highest high and lowest low. It’s an emotionally abusive relationship and unhealthy. The guy who will truly love you one day will make you feel like the best woman in the world, not make you lose yourself and cry harder than ever. It’s battle between heart and brain. Focus that brain on the negative and try to break it all down logically to fight what the heart disceivingly wants. We are all here with and for you love!

      • Sim

        Thank u for posting such strong words and bringing over such positivity. We have parted for 3 months already but i cant seem to bear the pain, i cant get myself used to it. Its getting worse and i cry every night. The fact that i was dumped, was left, was abandonded just because he chose to come back to his wife and make her happy kills me every day. He’s willinggo see me dying just to save his wife and his family. What’s left for me? He said he’d with me no matter what and would always protect me, no he doesnt. The moment he had to choose, he turned his back to me without looking back. Now he’s happy with his wife and his family while im all suffering. I cant take it anymore, i just cant.

      • StrongerEveryDay

        Sim – I understand how you feel. Please know that he is likely not happy now. As I mentioned in another post, you don’t break the vows of marriage through adultery then go back to being happy and normal unless you go through true redemption. Repentance and redemption through God and/or with your spouse are the only ways to start over and have a chance to be happy again. It’ll take work too. Most of these guys don’t do that. I would bet that 99% of them don’t. They can act happy all they want, but it’s false. Guys can stay in situations and be content even if they aren’t happy. I’ve seen it with friends and family members, and that’s with not even going as far as infidelity. You have the chance to be happy. You are the free one. You will suffer now until you work through the pain, but he will suffer long-term. It’s hard as hell, I know. Just know he doesn’t just get to snap his fingers and go back to happy home life. He is still living a lie in his marriage by keeping this a secret. You are dealing with the truth and working to resolve it the right way. Stay strong.

      • Maria

        Dear StrongerEveryDay,

        Thank you so much for your comment. It really hit me. (in a good way). You are so right about so many things. Tomorrow marks one month since I ended things with my married man and while I do miss him so much every day, I am doing better than I thought. I haven’t cried every day. I have had a couple of days where I wake up super depressed and feeling like I can’t go on without him. But after I contacted him a week ago, it opened my eyes and made me realize that I CAN go on without him. I feel free and just like you said…he will continue to be unhappy. That makes the pain go away a little. I am making the PROACTIVE choice to worry about me. I need to work on loving myself more and doing things that make me happy in order to move on.

        Truly from the bottom of my heart…thank you so much for taking the time to read my comment and respond to it. It means a lot to me. I am so thankful that I found this site because knowing that I am not alone in this brings a lot of comfort. I hope you are doing well. Much love and well wishes for you!

      • Sim

        Strongereveryday,
        I wish i could think that way, only that i cant. He may not be happy but he’s got everything: his house, his wife, his kid., his job. His wife forgives him for cheating on her and he’s back to her with the full heart, focusing on her and his expecting baby girl. How perfect is that! They are stronger together as a couple, even the storm could not tear them apart, how sweet is that. He may not be 100% happy but who cares, he still gets to wake up having his wife and his family while im still on my own sobbing, they still have each other and he can be with her, comforting her while im being abandoned. In the end, there’s nothing left for me, and him, hes enjoyng life with his wife for the rest of this life.

      • fiona

        Sim – It’s the same here, the affair seems to have made their marriage stronger. I think he’s totally happy. He went from telling me he adored me, he was obsessed with me – to cutting me off with no goodbye.
        They’ve bought the caravan he and I were looking at buying, they got a new dog, she’s posting on his business page about their romantic trip to Paris. Seems I kickstarted their marriage….and got turned into the bitter ex with nothing.

    • Elaine Camm

      Hi Maria
      I understand your heartbreak so much.
      When I met my married man I was married too- that was 7 years ago.
      I broke it off with him in May 2015 and had no contact. My husband became ill in October 2015 and died in June 2016. Later in 2016 I contacted my married man, I had never really got over him and just needed to speak with him. I told him everything I had gone through and it all started up again.
      Our relationship grew closer this year and progressed to ” I love you’s” and to be honest I have loved him since I met him but I had no close relationship with him until this year. After our closeness he started to back off, hot and cold and this is when I started to get depressed and I started to make demands from him.
      I cooled off with him 4 weeks ago and I think it’s all starting to end with him. I am devasted right now but trying to be strong by not contacting him. He has dragged things out for the last 4 weeks, texting and arranging dates which he has cancelled on the last last minute. He has wrecked my head and I am so up and down. Do you have any thoughts for me?
      Thank you xx

  • StrongerEveryDay

    I have been reading everyone’s stories and comments for almost two months now, and they have helped me tremendously. I felt so alone until I found this site and all of you, and I’m truly grateful you shared your stories even though it makes me sad to know so many other women are experiencing such pain.

    For those who have talked to a professional, I would love to know the key learnings and advice provided. I think everyone here could use it.

    A few of you have struck a cord with me, and I wanted to offer you my advice below that has helped me.

    – Please, please, please never end your life. No man is worth it (nothing in life is either). I get it. It hurts like hell. My heart has physically hurt so bad from the pain that I felt like it was going to stop at any moment. The tears WILL stop. They will become less frequent and eventually stop all together even though the hurt may still be there in your heart. Nothing in life is worth ending your own, especially your married man. You are an amazing person, and your life is worth moving forward. It can only go up from here.

    – Your married man is NOT happy without you. He may fake it to friends, coworkers, social media, and even his own family. That’s what they do. They are good at hiding the truth. Happy men don’t cheat, even if you were the only one. No one goes back to being happy in their marriage after breaking the foundation of marriage unless they have true redemption (through Christ or with themselves and their family). How many of these married men do you think have done that? Very few, if any. Don’t get hung up thinking he’s happy make you feel bad…because he’s NOT happy.

    – As someone on this site said recently, yes, he still thinks about you. You’re the best thing he’s ever had. Of course he thinks of you. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it helps. However, you’ll never be able to explain their way of thinking and how they can be so cruel (after all, he didn’t choose you, and you’re not #1 in his life). Most of these guys probably are narcs, but even if some of them are not, they aren’t anyone you want to be around. I feel especially heartfelt for those of you who had a married man who treated you like a princess because it makes it harder to move on versus someone who is a complete jerk. Trust me, I know. There’s something wrong about that sentence because no princess would be kept in the dark and be given such pain by a man. But yes, most of these married men are thinking about you and are unhappy. Use that knowledge to help you gain strength because you still have the opportunity to be happy…and you will the more you proactively work through the pain.

    – You are the lucky one. No matter your age, you still have your life to live and the opportunity to find someone who will make you their world. These married men will continue to suffer in their marriages and even if they divorce, trust will always be an issue with them. You are FREE. I know this freedom hurts worse than anything else you’ve ever experienced right now. It WILL get better. I’m also scared that I won’t find someone who I connect the same with emotionally and physically. But it’s scarier to think about how living off the crumbs of your married man will destroy you. Think about yourself. How many of us grew up with strong morals, faith, happiness, and are also the last people in the world anyone would ever suspect would be in this situation? Think about how you were before the married man and during the affair. Do you like yourself? I don’t. Many of us lost our way. We loved the highs, but the lows (times without the married man), which was most of the time, destroyed us. It’s truly like a drug we heavily used and denied its negative effects. You are still that happy, beautiful, good person. Don’t let this married man ruin that, and you still deserve the best just because of this bad decision. You can still have the world, and you owe it to yourself to go after it.

    – I always read that if you make a list of good and bad features about a guy, and the bad out weigh the good, it tells you everything. I never believed it until I finally did it as I have been struggling like all of you too. I keep this list on-hand and read it frequently. It helps a lot. A lot of you are like me. Insanely stubborn. Even if my married man was single, there are probably some items on the “bad” list that would keep you from being truly happy together, but you still can’t get over him. You try so hard though. Read it over and over again and keep focusing on the negative effects this relationship has had on you versus the good times.

    – It may be hard to talk to anyone else about your situation. It is for me, so I do a lot of online research and watch more church sermons on TV to work on myself. That’s how I found this website. Keep reading articles like this one, it helps a ton. Keep talking it out on here as needed. Please know we are all in this together, and it will get better. There will be a lot of ups and downs, but it will improve. How do I know? Because I finally moved on from my married man at one point in life. When he tried to see me, I didn’t do it because I was happy in a relationship, and I was over him. Then, when that relationship ended unexpectedly, I got a job working with my married man, and my vulnerability let it start all over again. I’m going through the breakup process with this married man again because enough is enough. The pain is unbearable, and we will all be miserable without a chance to meet “the one” until we let the married man go. I know you think he’s “the one” but he’s not. The one would choose you and not be the worst pain in your life. He will continue to live his life with his family, and you’ll be alone suffering emotionally everyday. Save yourself now.

    Much love to you all. We can do this, and you’re never alone. Xoxo.

    • Trish

      This is so perfect. I don’t like myself. I don’t like that my ego and flesh have taken priority to what is right and I hate that it’s separated me from god and yet I haven’t let him go yet. Tried. Didn’t work. And it was me contacting him. He’s never said he’s miserable at home and I do not want him to leave his family for me. I have never felt like this about anyone yet know if he were single, he wouldn’t be what is ideal for me. I’m copying your message to keep reading and get this through my head.

      • StrongerEveryDay

        Trish, thanks for the response. Your comment about drawing you away from God is something I also realized and struck a cord with me. That’s the biggest problem. That alone makes it NOT worth it. A few happy times on Earth is not worth eternity in Hell. Heck, it’s even Hell on Earth with what you go through with a married man. Stay strong lovey.

    • Bitten twice

      These are such empowering points Stronger Everyday! Thank you for posting it. Isn’t it astounding how this scenario has SO many common features, behaviours, and patterns throughout most if not all of the MM relationships ? I agree that the married men are not happy, which is why they wander. When my ex went online to escape his problems with his work, our marriage and his health, he wasn’t happy, but he blamed his cheating on the marriage saying his affair was a ‘symptom’ of our crumbling marriage. I agree there were problems and I was prepared to work on them, but an affair is not a symptom of a bad marriage, it is a CHOICE and there is always hurt involved. Just as chatting with someone online is a choice, having a lunch together, going for a drink, climbing into bed… these are all the choices which can lead to ‘falling in love’ and setting the foundation for creating and stoking an affair.

      I like your suggestion of making a list of the negatives and positives and rereading it. I kept my goodbye letter beside my bed for the first three days, and kept rereading it, as I explained fully how our relationship was impacting me, I thought he should know, and that it was not all about him now having to accept the crash, that I was half of this equation and there were fallouts and side effects from our affair and the breakup that affected me deeply.

      I met a woman in a coffee shop this morning, and we started talking and lo and behold she also had broken off an affair with a married man, What are the chances? ha ha. She believes that married men are weak, that they don’t have the strength to choose you even if their heart wants to, for whatever reason. So don’t hang on to false hopes and dreams that they will leave their partners for you, and if they did eventually, you will likely be broken down and ragged by then anyway ( divorce is not a quick process), not the way you want to begin a real relationship, Plus add in all the baggage they would bring from the ending of their marriage. Do you really want all that?

      The last thing my coffee partner said, was not to idealize the relationship, or the married man. We think they are princes, and maybe they do treat us like princesses when we are together, but they are also actors, and deceivers too, and let’s face it, absence makes the heart grow fonder, A relationship that has periodic visits will have much more spark and passion in it than the ones with the day to day repetition of living together, paying bills, doing laundry, food shopping and living with the total package. Don’t deceive yourself.

      Lastly, we need to keep our heads high, continue to practise letting go, avoid keeping to yourself about your pain, talk to a therapist, a close friend, a doctor..Journalling can be very helpful too as well as practising a letting go ritual..( see thegirlwhoknows.com for her letting go meditation and releasing stagnant energy in your home and heart. Fire is very symbolic for releasing and with the full moon just past, your meditations will be magnified and your intentions will be strengthened!

      Blessings to all of you, this is an opportunity for intense healing and letting go, something we need to do for the rest of our lives. 🙂

      • StrongerEveryDay

        Bitten Twice – Totally agree with you and the coffee shop lady. I like that you said you kept the goodbye letter to re-read. That’s what I do with my list then think about and focus on the negative list examples over and over to reinforce them in my mind instead of only thinking about the good stuff (which let’s face it; it’s just the physical connection and false “true love” connection feeling that we must deattach from to be free). Thanks for sharing!!

    • Going Crazy

      Holy Macinoli,
      This is what I needed to hear, I needed the advice that yes he is still thinking of me. Then my vulnerability shows up again and I think is he really??? If he is then I feel better?
      I am in such a confusing state in my life and have never been here before. I am a middle age mom of three teenagers, one leaving for college in the fall. I have been with my husband for over half my life, married 22. We were high school sweethearts. I can’t say I have never been attracted to another man in all these years. Not really sure what ever even attracted me to my husband. Looking back I would have never married him in the first place. He has never been anything but a good father and hard worker until he hit mid life. Then he started going down hill. Everything was negative. He has always been an introvert and I have always been an extreme extrovert. Now I get on his nerves and he doesn’t hide that fact.
      Have I changed over the last 28 years? Of course I have, but I have become more independent. The “regret” that I have is that I look back and wonder what I could have made of myself if I had not have stayed home and raised my children. How selfish of me to think that way. I wouldn’t have done it any other way. If I could only have had my cake and eat it too. I have three of the best teenage girls anyone can ask for, my regret comes now when after 28 years, my husband and I are now just co-existing. Neither of us like each other, not attracted to each other, pretty much just annoy each other and have admitted it. I have nothing of my own! I work part time at a place I love. I don’t have a retirement plan, it is his, I don’t have a strong bank account, it is his. At 45 I am starting on my own at 55,000 a year trying to build a retirement. His money is his money and I don’t want to rely on that for the rest of my life. If I take a vacation I don’t want to have to “use” his money. If I want to buy a car and I don’t want to have to have his signature because I can’t afford it. And it isn’t because he has said anything other than half of it is mine. I am now in the process of getting a license for work that will double my pay and let me be the extrovert that I am.
      So how does the married man come into play? Well met him at work. He LOVES his wife and has stated it many times. She has cheated on him twice and he still loves her. When I first saw him, I thought holy crap. My stomach got butterflies, my speech was incomplete, he drove me crazy in my head!!!! No one has EVER done that, even if I did find them attractive. Next thing I know a few months later there was “the kiss”. WOW. Back and forth back and forth, feeling great yada yada yada. Then came the day when I was told ” I love my wife and need to focus on her.” CRUSHED. Now I work with him and see him everyday. Talk about crazy. My head goes from end to end in a day. My thoughts are obsessive compulsive. “Is he thinking of me, is he going to text me, why doesn’t he need me, why does she win, why do I lose” to “why am I letting her win, why am I letting him win, I want to win, I want to be happy, I want to be loved”. Crazy is probably what they would call it. Yes I am trying to make a difference in my life and make myself into something my kids would be proud of, that I would be proud of. We will not see each other at work for 3 weeks and his last words to me were “maybe it will do you some good”. Why do I even think twice that I miss him? I guess where I get upset is that he speaks the truth, I lose, I have to change my thinking. I don’t deserve to be spoken to like that so why do I accept that and hope he is thinking about me? Why am I sulking in my own pitty party? Why can’t I put my big girl panties on and deal with my life?
      Thank you for listening to my rambling. This is the first time I have stated it in writing or out loud. I can’t say it makes me feel like I have pushed forward.
      I hope that maybe my “crazy” words are what someone else out there needs to hear so they are not alone.
      Thank you for reading/listening

      • Trish

        My married man will go thru times sometimes a day or three without contact. I’ve made it clear how much it bugs me and he’s done it at least five times. Again last night cuz mother in law is there. Don’t tell me you don’t have two minutes to acknowledge me. Yet I felt bad for telling him he disappointed me this morning when he asked how I was. Why should I feel bad. More importantly why don’t I tell him to take a hike. He ignored me yet again after I’ve told him several times it hurts me. I’m nuts.

      • Rhea

        Hi,
        I hear your pain and confusion. The thing is that you know the truth, your brain knows it but your heart keeps saying different things. Listen to me, don’t let your heart lead you!!! It will lead you astray and it has. You fell prey to this man because you were broken. We all were. Whole, happy people do not have affairs.
        My ex-lover was always honest too. I just didn’t want to listen. I wanted to win. He said she didn’t give him cards, call him affectionate names, make love to him anymore. So, I made it my mission to give him that. I schemed to keep him. But I was exhausted!!! I kept failing to keep his attention. He was hot and cold and it ate me up. I realized I couldn’t win and he wasn’t mine to win. When he ended it, he said he was confused and seemed to want me to convince him to be with me. I was a wreck. He talked with me for 2 hours. The longest he ever did on the phone with me and we were together for a year. He said maybe we’ll be together someday. He encouraged me to work on my marriage. Said he needed to work on his. I don’t buy that!! I cried and told him I regret meeting him. For the first time, I told him I loved him. He said he loved me too. What a strange parting gift. I don’t believe him. He felt like I needed to hear that. Like giving morphine to the sick. I told him I won’t wait for him!! So glad I said that. I needed to let him know that that door was closed. And I’ve killed any hope of reconciling.
        Once before he broke up with me and I called him 9 days later and he wanted us to remain apart. 3 weeks after that I contacted again and met him twice for drinks and then it started up again for 2 months. I am an educated woman. I have a doctorate. I am beautiful and outgoing. I lowered myself for his affection!!! So this time, I marked on my calendar, the days I had contacted him in the past when he had discarded me. This time, I watched the 9 day mark come and go and in two weeks will be another major date and I’ll watch it come and go without contacting him!!! This is my way of taking back my power. This is my way of saying to myself – you made yourself a fool for a year but you’ll redeem yourself!!! I gave him my power and I am taking it back.
        I won’t lie and tell you that I’m ok inside. Some days when I’m busy I’m ok. And other days, my heart aches so badly. I feel like there’s a pit in my stomach. I was in the middle of a conference the other day and for some strange reason I looked at someone’s fingers and thought about his and I felt sick. Last night I had a dinner party at home and while we sat around the dinner table and laughed it occurred to me that on Monday I won’t tell him about my weekend ever!!! I felt like someone had punched me in the gut.
        So I understand all of it my friend. But you must must walk away for your sanity.

      • Going Crazy

        Rhea,
        Thank you for that, you heard the exact same words that I did, no cards, no love, now intimacy. I thought I could fill a void and feel loved. Why can’t I just do as he says and make my marriage work? Because I have been in mine for 22 years and I don’t feel the love either. Thank you for your advice I will be reading it everyday. He is gone on Spring Break and I leave the week he gets back and then I am out another week. So it will be 3 weeks without contact. I should listen to him as he said “maybe it will do you some good”. Yes makes me the crazy one …aaaaaahhhhhh

    • Bitten Twice

      Stronger Everyday, I like your points and wanted to share some learning I received from speaking with a professional who has a spiritual focus. I am only two weeks post breakup, still grieving, and unlike many, we did exchange a few emails back and forth, because for me, cold turkey was not the way to my healing and I have known this person for over thirty five years, always felt a strong soul connection and friendship foundation. He never made any promises, in fact he said we were in an impossible situation at the start and yet he was devastated with my sudden change of direction, so we processed a little so we both understood each other’s perspectives better. He wrote something profoundly beautiful acknowledging that somethings have a short lifespan, like the luna butterfly, but in their life we can see beauty, courage and strength. I recognize it can be tough emotionally to process back and forth like this, but it was the only way for me. In our ending, I wanted to find the meaning to our rekindling, as I knew there were reasons we were reunited, not just to awaken me after a difficult separation involving my husband’s betrayal after 27 years. I have received many gifts or lessons through this. Writing was also our main mode of communication, so this felt right. We haven’t spoken since we broke off.

      In looking back, I see that my married man and I reconnected only a year after my marriage ended 2 years ago.. We first met when I was in my twenties, and had a long distance affair for a year or two. I see now that both of my committed relationships before my partners cheated on me.. How did it happen that I entered my own affair twice after three times being cheated on?

      The healer I spoke to tied everything back to our relationship with our self and our souls, when our choices are lacking integrity or hurting and taking from others, our actions will inevitably block our path to wholeness because we have betrayed ourselves, and left a crack in our integrity with our choice to be with the married man. He called it soul mismanagement, and his guidance was around understanding the structure and framework and regaining our integrity, working on our soul’s self care, and making a sacred covenant to your self to withhold these commitments to our self.

      I have had so many gifts from my relationship and the ending of it, Yes it has been soul breaking, but I have kept searching for where the meaning is in all this and am finding answers and it does help with the pain and grief.. The universe gave us many signs during our friendship, but we ignored them and carried on. My married man even came to a wedding with his partner in my city, and low and behold, the wedding was held at my athletic club a km from my house! When he told me that, I realized how devastating that would be if I had bumped into them, I don’t know if he really understood that initially, as he knows many people and many friends in his business,so he was covered. I was the other woman, not him. I was shaken. He lives 500 miles away, what were the chances, and I was just there the night before with my daughter.

      The healer also said that’ the universe is exquisitely economical in its delivery of lessons, and won’t provide them unless someone needs them. So be aware, and watch for the signs, they are there! At the beginning of our reconnection, I felt like I saw signs that the universe was encouraging our re engagement, in fact it rolled out the red carpet! but that was the love part … eventually the real signs came along with the conflictual emotions and drama.

      As for all the crazy thinking we find ourselves having and the self loathing that comes, this is the addiction, the insane thinking, the attachment to the married man. When I was suffering and lonely one day, I really wanted to call my married man but never could, he didn’t use a cell except on rare occasions, and I thought to myself ‘ how insane is this? With all the technology out there, I am in my 50s, and can’t call the man who I write to everyday, and am in love with? ‘ The power was all one way, and that became clear to me, it was not a balanced relationship of power at all.I was always yielding, in the passive role… and it was also like living in solitary condiment with my feelings, which is so contrary to my personality. It was International Women’s Day and I felt empowered enough and wrote a very long farewell letter.

      The healer made another good point, that we think that the other is making us feel whole and completing us with all of their qualities which attract you, it may feel like medicine, but the wholeness is already there in you. They are helping you see it, or mirroring it.. Eventually the emotional drama, our self sabotage and punishment,makes our happiness and wholeness untenable. He points out that our ‘self’ can be leverage to our soul’s wellbeing and is very much influenced by our choices we make.

      He posed the question, “What is the element behind all of these painful, untenable circumstances we find ourselves in? That we figure out long after the fact, that EVERYTHING matters… that the core of the core of ones’ being is what matters.”

      I found this to be profound and helped me to see my choices and how my betrayal to my self and my self punishment allowed me to continue, as it is vicious cycle. It is similar to the battered wife syndrome really- we feel pushed down, sometimes emotionally abused, but there is the honeymoon phase when we see them again, and so it repeats the cycle. These choices do matter, they all do. I still wondered why we commit these transgressions of our own soul, and yet also contribute to another’s betrayal? Why when we have been betrayed ourselves, do we end up contributing or betraying our own partners or another’s? In looking back, I understood that the two relationships prior to first meeting my married man in my twenties, both partners had betrayed me in our ‘committed’ relationships. I was devastated with the first one. So why continue the pain? I can only believe that the core of our being becomes shaken or broken when we suffer another’s betrayal, and this weakens our foundation, so when the wind blows along, we bend, and lose our commitment to our self somehow. We are hurt, and the next one comes along, loves us, heals us, and we feel they are the perfect one, but they are often not, they are not available, and we sabotage ourselves from finding a committed parter, and settle for crumbs instead.

      So, look closely at your past, and think of this as an opportunity to focus on yourself and your commitment to become whole again. Choose you above all else, and it will change everything- your relationships with your self, kids, your married man will feel it, your family, friends , your colleagues, everyone. This is what I believe and trust now.
      Blessings to all of you, and may you find your path to wholeness and commit to your self and your healing, today. Listen to your inner voice, your heart has had the driver’s seat for long enough and it’s not working for you. The navigation system is broken, you need a new map and a new driver! Good luck! Much love.

      • StrongerEveryDay

        Thank you for sharing! I definitely realize my soul and confidence need improvement. They have deteriorated over time, and I’m looking to get back into church, even if I’m watching sermons online and then hopefully some volunteering. My engagement ended a year ago then I reengaged with my married man months later. If my self-esteem and faith were stronger, I could have avoided it all. I truly believe it’s all about the soul which drives your mind and heart. Much love!

  • Natalia

    Hello, I took the decision today that I have to leave my married man, I just don’t know how, I search for help and here I am… I really want to be with him one more time, smell his chest and hug him soooo hard. I don’t want to say anything, should i change my phone number? Or block him? Or just ignore his text and calls? I don’t know how to do it, I have to leave, this is destroying me so much. Should I send him a goodbye text? Please help me. Thanks

    • Heartbreak

      Hi Natalie. We all want to be with our married men for one more time😔. But this one more time never really end, and thus starts the dynamics of breaking up and getting back together again which is the the hallmark of affairs with a married men and so detrimental to our self worth and peace of mind. I myself am particularly allergic to the disappearing act with no warning, I feel it’s so cruel. No, these men don’t really deserve our compassion, but we are decent caring women and I feel we shouldn’t stoop to the same low level these men can go to. It’s just plain wrong to block/ignore from the get go. I’d just send him an email if you can’t do it in person and tell him not to contact you as you want to focus on moving on. But if you say it, you have to stick to it otherwise you lose face. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries then you are totally entitled to change numbers/ block or ignore. It’s very hard, I know. Have been there. But after sometime the urge to reach out goes away. Hang in there

      • Natalia

        Thank you, thank you, thank you soooo much for every word. Thank God I found this web site… it’s been so helpful, no questions, no judgments…. we are beautiful and strong…. I want to take my happiness back, my enthusiasm for adventure, for freedom….. I’m in NY if any of you are here and need a coffee/drink or something don’t hesitate please. I’m feeling good today because I know he’s in his house stuck because the snow. I hope he stops contacting me… tomorrow would be different when he’s out and start calling me… anyway I’m so happy and full of energy today. Like I don’t want the other feeling back. Good luck girls.

    • lifelessons

      Hello, Natalia. If this is your final decision, then there are a few things that you must be prepared for.
      Today, you feel like you have had enough, like you deserve better than what he is giving you, and you actually feel strong enogh to let go of him for your own sake. You feel today that even though you love him, the relationship does you more bad than good, and you want to finally break free. He may have done something, maybe broke a promise, or said something hurtful, or simply neglected you or your feelings. This has made you angry. You feel that enough is enough. And so, you decide to end it.
      Today, this is how you feel.
      I have been there, so I will tell you this: if you truly want to cut ties with this married man, delete his number (do not memorize it first), block him and delete him on all social network accounts. Leave no loophole that will make it possible for you to keep tabs on him.
      If you keep your married man as your contact, I can assure you that tomorrow, or in a week or two, even three, you will feel an irresistible urge to initiate contact, or worse, he contacts you first which will make it even harder for you to keep silent.
      You may feel like you can do it today, but what of tomorrow? You will miss him and long for him; you will want to know what he is doing and how he is. It’s going to be extremely hard maintaining No Contact. When that time comes, you don’t want to have access to him. Don’t cheat yourself on this; delete him and block him, otherwise I can almost guarantee that you will find yourself back in square one.
      I have tried to end it so many times with my married man, even during the time things were great. He would always convince me to stay with him.
      Natalia, this man will leave you. Make no mistake about it. He keeps you now because you serve a certain cause. He will discard you once you are no longer useful to him or you have become too much to deal with. He will go back to the comfort of his wife and family. He will redirect all of his affections and attention back to his wife. He will not care how this affects you. I don’t know how deeply involved you are with this man, but keep in mind that the more time you stay with him, the harder it will be to let go.
      Do it now. Don’t call it off. Don’t procrastinate. Do not say “just one more time.” I have been there. I stayed when it would have been easier for me to let go, and now I live to regret it.
      Do not wait for him to dump you first. It will hurt more than if you end it yourself. Gain control of yourself now because the more you stay with him, the more you relinquish a little of your power and strength to him.
      It will be hard, but with time, you will not regret your decision to end this toxic relationship. Don’t give yourself reasons to stay with him. I say it again, don’t cheat yourself.
      You won’t win if you do.
      Do it now and stay very true to yourself. It’ll be worth it in the end.

      All the best.

      • Heartbreak

        Love what you said, lifelessons! It’s sounds strong, confident and wise. You know something? Sometimes I wish I could get to know all of you women personally. This pain brings us close and helps us share a bond. It’s unique and beautiful. Thanks to all of you for that.

      • Natalia

        I blocked him yesterday, our last conversation was normal, then I blocked him… today he was going crazy, calling me from different numbers, texting me… demanding an explanation, why he was blocked, what did he said…etc…. I answered at the end of the day, I told him I’m sorry I couldn’t continued this, I’m sorry I didn’t said anything but it was better that way. He was beginning me for a phone call…. I tried to be strong… but I couldn’t… I didn’t saw him, but o told him that I love him, I told him how all this is burning my soul and he just keeps saying… no no you don’t want to do this… you love me and I’m not going to let you go just like that. I can’t talk to him, just hear his voice makes me want to stay. I’m glad I didn’t saw him…. I’m going to keep trying to stay away from him. Thank you so much for the advice. It helps me a lot. I hope this feeling goes away soon.

    • Bitten twice

      I can’t speak for you Natalia, but I wrote a very long letter to my married man as I wanted him to understand how painful my position was and how it was tearing me apart. And then I left it. I felt empowered, lighter, but the grief came after he responded with understanding and tremendous difficulty with acceptance, but he accepted. They have to. If you don’t end it, would it be better if you waited and he ended it at some point? This way you are taking a first step of control in the relationship, and putting yourself as a priority. Every relationship is complex, but because they have to juggle things to make it work, they often can’t see our situation and what we deal with. It can hit them hard. They are not used to being on the receiving end, and it is a shock, but shouldn’t prevent you from ending it. Some go cold turkey, but we have a very long history, with a 30 year gap in the middle, so I chose to respond to his note a few days later. We grieve, it takes time, but keep focussing on what you need now, what is best for you, and trust yourself. Sending comfort and peace.

  • Great woman

    Good day every one I read all comments it’s is painful but gainful.my story goes like this I live in Europe and I met a man in my church , before we started our relationship i asked him are you married he said no. We started and I get pregnant and he was happy as we were getting ready for our marriage I found out he was married in Africa without kids. I stopped the marriage plan. He was crying and saying am the one he loves because for years he has not gone to Africa to see this wife ,yes he cares for me and our child but I can’t live with some man who lied to me, almost getting married to me and he still cheat on me with other women on Facebook and all. Well I leave everything In the hand of GOD.please I feel like talking about what I am passing through I need some one to talk to.bless you all I pray GOD ALMIGHTY give us the grace to move on with our lives and give us the man made for us amen.

  • lifelessons

    Heartbreak, forget-me-not, Sim, Fiona, Flavass, thank you for the concern and for your responses.
    It has been incredibly hard. I almost reached the point of no return. What kept me going is the knowledge that there are women out there who are experiencing exactly what I am going through. You women are wonderful and I am so grateful that I have come across this site.
    I have finally found people with whom I can share the toughest moments of my existence with without fear of judgement.
    Your empathy, and understanding, moves me.
    I’m still in the pits, but I am in a much better state than before.
    Forget-me-not, you are right about the anxiety. I spoke to my Dr and have tablets that help me through the worst of my attacks and my deepest dips into the pool of depression.
    It helps to know that I am not alone. This is why I did not give up.
    My MM is still silent. I keep on checking his last seen; an unbreakable habit it seems.
    I miss him intensely. He plagues my thoughts and my dreams. I was obesessed and almost crazy during the months that passed, chasing him, nagging and demanding answers and explanations from him, acting out. I guess instead of rousing his conscience as I had intended, my actions only pushed him further away.
    Sometimes I wish I was better behaved and maybe he would still be with me.
    To this day, like you, Sim, I know that I would respond to him telling him how much I miss him if he would ever decide to bother to write to me or call me.
    I’m over my obsessive impulses now, to act in order to get his attention. The obesession is now all in my endless thoughts of him, but I trust that this too shall pass.
    In my mind, no man can ever compare to him. I will never find anyone like him. This makes me so sad and all the more difficult to let go.
    But yes, I am going to be okay, dear friend. Thank you so much for asking.

    I wish all of you the best as you progress in your recovery. It’s my heartfelt wish that each and everyone of you find someone who will turn out to be infinitely better than these men who have stolen and then tore our hearts to shreds.

    I will keep on writing here when I feel weak. It has helped me tremendously.

    Much love to all of you.

    • Heartbreak

      Hello lifelessons. It’s good that you wrote in, I was going over the comments in the previous few weeks and was kind of worried because I remember you were talking about ending your life when you first wrote in. I can so relate to what you wrote about chasing your married man and demanding answers, hoping to jog his conscience into recognizing how badly he is behaving to another living breathing human being who he actually claimed to love. Oh! how well I relate to that. What I realized the really really hard way and with the back and forth spanning a good long year, is that it’s such a futile pursuit. Married men develop a staggering degree of detachment to you and your pain, and they do not budge from their comfort zone to give you even a smidgeon of relief. That’s the lack of empathy at play here. And that’s what it boils down to, married men cannot relate to your emotions the way normal decent people can. Yes, you may have been emotional and needy. Who the heck wouldn’t be? Don’t beat yourself up on that, if married men didn’t withdraw the way they do, we wouldn’t need to be so over the top in our pursuit of them. We feel them slipping through our fingers and we want to hold on tight, like we would with anything precious to us. That makes us human. No, however you may have behaved, he would have still pulled the same stuff on you. Trust me, I’ve run the gamut of behaviors and know that they do what they want, regardless or how good or how bad you may behave. That’s who they are. It’s not just married men, it’s all men who don’t know how to behave decently and empathically and do the right thing , however uncomfortable it may feel to do it. The worse thing isn’t the breakup, the worse thing is the way we beat ourselves up afterwards and the soul destroying hit to our self esteem.

      • Twice bitten

        Hello dear ones!
        There is so much tenderness and healing support in these notes, it is so comforting to read. I broke off my relationship 5 days ago, and keep waiting for that empowering feeling to return, but I’m grieving and processing it all still. This is the second time I reconnected with my married man, the first was 35 years ago. He was attached but not married then ( same person) and it was intense, an extremely comfortable connection but I broke it off after I learned they were expecting a baby. I married, was happy for 24 of 27 years, and then discovered my ex was cheating, and our marriage was over. A year later married man resurfaces ( there was rare but occasional contact, openly during my marriage) and we decide to meet. I was vulnerable, emotionally depleted and immediately came alive again, like a wilted flower being watered. I believed we were twin flames because there was such a connection between us. But 6 months later, I decided this living in solitary confinement, being thrown into a dark closet after departures and always feeling I’m having to contain such ‘pure love’ was slowly suffocating me, so I ended it. He never gave me false hopes, I always new it was just a matter of how long I could endure, but deep down there was a thread of hope. The only promise I got was more hurt and disappointment. He was not dishonest or leading me with false hopes, but what Has shocked me is as heartbreak says, the lack of empathy! He has shown no compassion for me and what I’ve gone through in the past or now. I’m just seeing it now for love is blind. ” Love makes the danger in you feel like safety.” Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey It’s about their needs, not mine, and really comes down to selfishness which I never ever saw. I buried it, I was caught in the addiction of his caring and attention and there was so much. I felt so lucky, so fortunate, and now I feel that so much of my personal spiritual work has been destroyed and I’m beginning at square one, with just more clarity, anger, hurt and healing to be done. I still believe the universe is holding all of us in our own perfection and with love, waiting to serve us with more lessons and healing, but it will take time and learning to focus on ourselves and what we need every hour, everyday, every relationship.
        their being selfish

      • lifelessons

        Hearbreak, your words are so truthful. I absolutely agree with the way you describe the impact that this relationship has on the self-esteem.
        We all feel like we are special when they are with us.
        I used to feel like I was the exception with my married man. There was a time when I would never have believed that my married man could hurt me. The notion that he would leave me as he did was simply absurd.
        How wrong I was.
        The other woman will always get hurt.
        There are no winners here, just a pile of broken hearts, bittersweet memories and oceans of tears.

  • Aria

    I just broke up with a married man after 3 months and he was my business partner too. I left our company too, which he couldn’t even believe. He always was so sure this job and company can make me stay even if our relationship ended, but I knew that till the moment we are business partners we can’t really be apart. So I just left everything and moved on to another city to my uni. It’s so clear that he lied and he was cheating to both of us but in my sad moment there is a feeling inside me trying so damn hard to convince me that he does love me. I just want these days to be over…

  • Hardtime

    I have written before how my married man and his wife are expecting. I for some reason cant get myself to do no contact. But i have not started a conversation in over 2 weeks it has been him and he has noticed i have gone more silent. But cant bring myself to say go forever we were good friends long before any of this started. We dont see each other much maybe once or twice a month do to him being over an hour away and finding time to get here is “hard”. So it helps and he plans things last min. Once plus for me though i have started to make plans and not change them if he gets time to come here. The first time was tonight. Last night he said he was coming for work and we can hang out (thats what we call it). I felt proud to say no I have plans and I am not changing them 🙂 I need to celebrate the small steps so I see i am not in this for ever. Hopefully soon I can go NC but for now small steps.

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    My married man and I keep getting back together…idk y honestly…why are we so afraid to let go? Why do seemingly happily married cheat on their wives-im just going by pictures I see on FB…

  • Rose

    Hi everyone
    I had the same issue with my married man, I met him at work he was my boss, after six months he said he fell in love with me and the same with me, he was everything I wanted, he gave me attention, love and respect for 5 months and then started to change his behaviour. He was different before but he start flirting with another girls in front of me and talking about sextual stuff with them and it made me jealous and he knew that and even fought with me about several times. For no reason he stopped talking to me and he knew it’s hurting me. I was the one try to keep this relationship cause I loved him and unfortunately I still do.
    He pictured a beautiful life for me and all the time he said he’ll leave his wife!!!!!
    I changed my job and he said it won’t change anything between us but no more communication, nothing I could meet him maybe every two months for an hour,
    He made an excuse that he’s busy all the time and I was the one always understanding, till almost one month ago we had a plan to meet each other but he said he has something to do and try to manage time to be with me also, anyway it didn’t happened again and I was upset this time when he asked I said I canceled my medical appointment because I wanted to be with you and then he stopped talking to me!!!!
    I’m so miserable right now, try to move on but it’s hard I knew this relationship doesn’t go anywhere but I truly love him .
    Right now I need your advice
    Please help me

    • Lettinggo

      Hi Rose. I too met my married man at work. He was my boss. And he asked me out and i admit i had a lil crush so i agreed. We went on a couple more dates and finally started seeing each other. He told me he couldnt share me with anyone else, so i had to break up with my boyfriend. I refused at first but i finally complied coz he made me believe he was true. He said he wouldnt leave his wife but would make me his second wife.🙄
      And he wanted me to get pregnant for him but i said no. His wife became suspicious and fired me from the office. Which was ok coz i couldnt work there anymore. Itwas painful seeing them together. I got another job, but now we rarely see each other. Maybe once a week. He claims he loves me. But i know this is all not going to end well for me. I want to let him go. I want to tell him how i feel. How i stopped seeing other guys coz of him. And how i still feel lonely even when i have him coz he doesnt give me what i want- what i deserve! Oh and btw, the wife blocked me from his phone but he got another one.
      We spoke yesterday but i want it to be the last time. I want him to know im done. Should i talk to him or should i just ignore him?
      I was falling in love. I have noone else.

      • Trish

        I’m five days of no contact. Not easy. I also know it can’t end well. Either I get hurt or he leaves his kids. I cant do that. I also know I’ll never trust him. We are better off alone than with married men. We deserve more than crumbs and to know they go home to someone else. It hurts and is lonely but it will get better eventually.

      • Sorrow

        Just leave. I know it is hard. It is still hard for me after breaking up for a year, the hurt is as strong as then. But you have to do it for yourself. Trust me, they don’t love you. They never do. You don’t hurt the person you love

      • Rose

        hi lettinggo
        hows everything going?
        i still try to move on but if i only knew why my married man dumped me, maybe help me to stop thinking about him.
        i really need help.

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    Why is it so hard for us to let go? Even though we know what we’re doing is wrong….we are helping married men cheat on their wives…what if we were in the wives place…I most certainly would not be able to handle it…

  • Heartbreak

    Hello everyone. I wonder how everyone is doing in their breakup recovery? I I have been writing in off and on for two months now. I was feeling weak today and I thought I will write in to the most supportive and compassionate group of women I know but don’t really know 😃. It’s been four months broken up from my nine year relationship with a married man. I have moved behind the initial phases of recovery, in the sense that I am not in blinding grief, I am living my life, and I have lost the urge to call or message my married man. If someone sees me from the outside, they would see a confident, assertive and happy woman. And I have moments in which I really feel that i will be ok. But some days like today I feel so sad. I want to cry but can’t even summon up the tears. Sometimes I feel as if the heaviness in my heart will never end. I cannot get over the disbelief of how much a man can change, how he can just cut you dead and go on with his life, and you start questioning all the things that you ever shared together. We shared the same relationship but I sometimes feel I am floundering and while I see my mm just cruising along in his life. What I find so difficult to wrap my mind around is how absolutely these men can turn their backs on you, however caring they may have been when you were together. I feel tired of feeling half alive, although my life is full with work and kids and friends, that need to get validation just doesn’t leave me in peace. And I know that looking for validation from a married man after he decides to break from you) is optimism at best and stupidity at worst. Tell me how all of you feel, my dear friends, I need the comfort that only women from this site can bring me.

    • Fiona

      Hi, heaviness is a good way to describe it – I’m having days where I’m ok too, and then I suddenly get hit with terrible sadness and heaviness. Occasionally I have an angry day which is the worst. I know from previous break-ups that you only feel better when you let go and just wish him well. Same as you I’m still in shock that after so long of not being able to be without me, that he could suddenly just drop me without a word. I’ve been reading about narcissists, my ex was one without a doubt (an artist with a huge ego, but very insecure) and what I’ve read about ‘love bombing’, and then dropping you and moving on without a glance backwards, fits my experience of him. We have to remember that we are better off without them, that it frees us up for something better to come. Hard to do a lot of the time, I sometimes walk around my town like a zombie 🙁

    • Brown girl

      Stay strong Heartbreak. It’s okay to have weak moments. Embrace the good moments and embrace the difficult ones too. We only grow as people through the channel of grief. This was a test put forth from the universe to bring out some kind of a strength that was embedded very deep down within. It’s still quite fresh given that the relationship was almost a decade long. You are doing well, and you have come such a long way since you first parted away. Think of that journey- now try and envision what the next 4 months will be like. This experience was in your destiny so just accept it, embrace it and love yourself through it all. Be kind to yourself, let yourself grieve if it washes over you. Losing someone who is still alive is the hardest thing to do – give yourself that long rope.
      I have been NC with my married man since almost 2 months. The grief comes in waves but I’m in a much better space emotionally now. I’m constantly keeping a check on him on social media and looking for small cues which will show he still cares for me, I need to wean off the stalking soon too, it’s my next baby step. I know I’ll come out of this soon, I have to. So will you.
      Love and light your way 🙂

    • Sim

      HI Heartbreak, it’s great to hear from you again. You are a very brave women and you are facing the breakup after 9 years of relationship. That must have felt like a lifetime to you. Mine only lasted for 1.5 years but I already felt like I’ve known my married man for years. I totally understand what you are going through. It seems to everyone I’m doing just fine, I’m busy at work, a lot of plans and traveling but i feel like doing those things is just a way to keep me survive. I don’t feel anything doing them, I’ve already lost my soul and my emotion. I miss him all the time, in everything I do, everywhere I go. I live my life as normal but I can feel a part of me is dying inside and I can’t do anything about it. The heaviness in my heart goes on like forever, it’s been 2 months already. I’m half dead while all i can picture is how he’s happy with his life, his wife, his family and expecting his first child with a bright future ahead. I don’t know what I’m still looking for, I feel very deadline, sad, lonely, rejected, incompetent and physically and mentally tired. I don’t know when it will go away and I can feel normal again, let alone happy. I share with you your feelings, Heartbreak. I hope you stay strong, because we are here sharing the same pains. You are not alone.

    • Trish

      Doing kinda lousy. We were talking Friday morning after another failed attempt to stay apart. Then just nothing. Usually I would’ve messaged and said he can’t ignore me. Not this time. I’m leaving it as is and although I haven’t blocked him I deleted his messages and his contact. It’s killing me. I’m going thru chemo and part of me thinks I need him. I also know I can and will do this without. I deserve a mans full heart. This is so hard though. I miss him horribly.

      • Heartbreak

        Hi Trish, I am sorry that you are having to go through chemo while you are dealing with a heartbreak. Talk about a double whammy! I can imagine how hard that must be and how awfully it must hurt. My married man couldn’t bear it if I so much as scratched myself or bumped my head but now I think he won’t even blink if I drop dead at his feet. Such is the cruelty of these men. Life goes on regardless, sometimes I feel that I can’t survive another day but then I tell myself I already survived four months, and there is no point looking for relief or comfort from someone who cut you off without a backward glance. I hope you tolerate your chemo and go into remission for your illness, that’s the most important thing to think of now. Much love to you.

      • Sim

        These married men just move on so quickly, as if nothing ever happened. While all that’s left for us is this endless pain. I wonder when it will be over Heartbreak

    • Rochell

      I’m glad I found this group. It’s hard to believe that so many of us have the same similar story. I originally posted a couple months back when I was feeling sad and lonely due to a change in my married man’s behavior. I don’t even remember what name I used on the first post because things seemed to be getting better and I was back in my fairytale. Well, this past weekend I overslept when I was supposed to be meeting with him at 4am. He talked to me so ugly that I ended the call. I was okay at first because I didn’t deserve that, after all it took a month for him to make a couple hours of his time for me. Today I couldn’t get up to go to work. After taking my kids to school, I’m back in my bed reading all of you all posts. He haven’t even called or texted which makes me think that he can care less how I feel. Should I make contact to tell him how I feel or just leave it without closure?

    • Rhea

      Heartbreak,
      I’ve been reading your posts. I can’t wait until I meet the 4 month mark. Tomorrow will be a month for me since he ended it. This morning, on the drive to work, I felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach. The pain was so real and burning me inside. I took off the radio and just tried to focus on the road. Last night, I twisted and turned in bed next to my cold husband. I just want to be free and happy again.

      • Heartbreak

        Hi Rhea. Thanks for reading my posts. Yes, I passed the four month mark. In fact I am nearer the five month mark now. As I was going through time in the beginning, each day felt like a year, and then you look back and realize that one, two, three, four months have passed. It’s been a really long haul, and I am sure if I didn’t work with the dude and keep running into him, I would have been so much better by this stage. However, I do know that there is no way that I would ever get back with him, should he ever want to. Yes, I miss the married man but I miss the man I used to know. This man who is in front of me is a stranger and is nothing and no one to me anymore. Whatever he may have been to me in my past, he changed and the change was earth shattering but I guess that’s the stimulus we need to finally break free. Otherwise the cycle will continue. Once we leave our Mm, it feels so hard because we are not getting much of an emotional connection with the husband either, but we have to look inwards at ourselves for validation and happiness and contentment. And it comes. Sometimes it comes sooooooo slowly that you don’t even notice it. Today I had such a happy day and then I suddenly realized that I didn’t think of my mm at all for a few hours and I was totally in the moment. I couldn’t have imagined that even a few days ago. So you will be free and you will be happy. There is no way to rush the process, that’s one of the most important things I learnt since the break up. And we have to be patient with ourselves during the process, just as we would be with a friend who was going through a heartbreak.

  • julie

    I can relate, but my married man never hid me…his wife knows me, so do his kids…this is a toxic relationship. I want to get out. He never lied to me about getting a divorce, we go out for dinner and shows. HIs wife has left him several times and keeps going back. He’s been married to her for 30 years and we been doing this for 7 years. I never thought I would be in this type of relationship.

  • Biggest mistake

    Ok so my situation is a little different. I’m a married woman that is desperately trying to end thing with a very clingy man. This has been going on for about a year. We met at work (no longer work together) he was very shy and I mad the first move. Within the first week he was already telling me he loved me. I fell for it hook line and sinker. Why? Who knows. Basically, it was fun, he was romantic and he took me out of my day to day. I need to end it but don’t know how.

  • Sorrow

    I don’t even want write much about this married man anymore. Zero interaction with him for a month despite we cross path at work. Not a word , not even looking into each other’s eyes… I finally realised that I meant nothing to him at all. Hard cruel truth….

    • Helpless

      After reading this article I have a clearer picture of my entire situation and i would like to share my story with you guys.
      I’m with a married man for more than a year now and he has been marrie for a year and a half. His wife studies abroad and they have never really lived together for more than a month. I always believed he was with me because he loved me. But lets face it. I was and still am being very naive. Ofcourse he is with me because he wants to have sex with me. He has no company. He wants someone to love him and take care of him like a wife because his wife doesn’t find him important enough to complete her studies here with him. He’s a typical case of a playboy. Considering his entire past. He has dated many girls each for two years. And the last girl he dated, he slept with her just a few days before he got married. This man did not have the guts to marry the girl he says he loved. He married his wife because she was from a rich family, same religion, state, everything. Marrying her was very convenient in every possible way. So when he can choose convenience over love, why am i still a fool to think and assume he loves me and thats why he’s with me. I’m solving a purpose in his life because she is not around.
      But this is not it, he abuses me. He hits me very very badly without the slightest pity. He ignores me for days together. He doesn’t call me back when i hang up. When i say i would leave him, he says okay and never bothers again. Its me who goes running back to him every single time. My situation is so fucked up and more than anything, my brain is even more fucked. I dont realise what m doing or thinking. He’s capable of manipulating me in the best possible way and every single time I fall for his manipulation.
      He’s gone to meet her now and he left two months back. I told him clearly if he leaves, I’ll break up with him. Despite that, he went. He never tried to convince me nor did he try even a little to not leave. He claims he was forced by his family, by her and her family. But i do not feel so. He very rarely has sex with her and i know he’s not lying because i heard it from her mouth that he slept with her only thrice in The month of January. I am really confused and i dont know what to think. The only thing thats clear to me is, he loves her. He has his display pictures of facebook with her. His cover picture is with her. Noone does this if they dont love the person! He claims he’s being extra careful that she never finds out.
      In all your cases atleast the guy finds u important enough to promise a false future. In my case he has told me very very clearly. Leaving my wife is not an option so if you can deal with that, we can go on. Otherwise fuck it! I feel like i have no self respect whatsoever. And I’m tired. I’m tired of being the woman he uses for masturbation. Ladies, these men dont make love to us. They masturbate inside us! And we dont need that from anyone. I know Its easier said than done because I’m still stuck in such a relationship. But i hope to get stronger one day!
      He hasn’t called me for the last two weeks because i abused his wife. He’s coming back this week. And I’m sure he would call me when he lands. My question then would be, why didn’t u call me all these days? So u could get a little peace with your wife. So you could spend a little time with her.
      I’ve even considered ending my life. I’m stuck with this black soul of man who is not only married, but treats me like a slut. In bed and otherwise. Do i deserve this? Does anyone ever deserve this?

  • Mel

    Today I have heartwrenching pain. I spoke to my married man after 10 days of no contact. We decided we were parting ways, but it’s really a huge adjustment after two years and a half of constant communication. We are going to continue going out separate ways, but it is hard for both of Us. I just want him to be happy, and if being with his wife is something he has to continue, I can’t be allow myself to spare my own happiness. But God this hurts so bad. I can’t get up today and I’m so sad…I can’t wrap my mind around the fact hat I’ll never have him again, and it’s hard to imagine that all the special moments we shared are now just memories. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know he’s suffering too because of the fact that I know that this wasn’t something I made up myself. It was a real relationship with real love. I just … I wish I can fast fwd out of this rut. I could never look for this man in no one else because he is unique. All I can do is accept that I am a better person now than I was when I met him, and that I’m better prepared for the person who will put me second to none. I am so hurt….so so hurt.

  • Ms. Heartbroken

    I’ve been with a married man for 2 years. 1 and 1/2 years of waiting for him to love me and show me how special and important I am in his life. I’ve waited too long but honestly I never fail. The moment when I started to show him dat I can leave without him and I don’t even went to see him for months. He got mad, I never thought it is not OK with him. He started to show me how special I am. He started to demand, to know everything and cannot even go out without his permission. He cared for me and even find ALL the time to be with me. We stay that way for 6 months. We never knew that something heartbreaking will happen. Happiness, love, sweetness turned to pain, sorrow and heartaches. His family knew about our relationship. That day he was confused, he called and tell me that his family knew about us and we have to stay down our relationship. He even asked me to just forget him. I cried a lot, telling him not to leave me. I was so broke. My life turns into something unbreakable. Two days after, he texted me and called me, honestly, I am waiting for that. We’ve talked about everything that has happened. I cried a lot to him because I want him to stay. He said he will stay, he said it will be very difficult for us to see each other for the meantime and we do not know when it will subside. We stay, remain texting/calling each other if he has time to do so. I expected his calls every day that it makes me weak every time. Sometimes I’m okay but most of the time I’m not. I love him so much that I cannot even let him go. He loves his family and he loves me too. He made an effort to stay and communicate with me but I don’t until when I can tolerate this. The pain is so deep thinking of letting him go. I suffered a lot, it really breaks my heart not having him. Life seems to be unfair and I started to breakdown. Thinking of leaving him makes it easy in the first place but when he’s there leaving him is never a choice for me. He will leave to US and be back after 2 months. I don’t know what to do, he said he will come back for me and if everything will be going smooth and fine, we will start all over again.

    His wife and children knows about me and even hire for a private investigator to monitor my moves and to know my place. They know my accounts and where I belong. I tried to be strong knowing this things but believe or not, I never think of hurting his family for this affair. I always told him to fix his family first before me. I love him so much to do this things. I give way because that was the right thing to do. I am wrong I know, but loving him is the only mistake I did. I love him. I Cannot even let go. I don’t if I can move on without him but as they say I CAN and I WILL.

    For now, we remain and stay of what we have. I really need your advise. Do you think the time he go to US was the right time for me to move on and find myself again? I am rush into love but I don’t see anyone else because I only want him. But I do hope that GOD has something better for me. How can I bear the pain of letting him go if ever? How can I go on without him? It really breaks my heart… Please help.

    He’s a good man, I know that he really don’t want to hurt me and his family but it already happened. There’s no other choice. He cannot fix both at the same time. I hope that my heart would heal. Please advise.

    • Sim

      Hey ms.heartbroken, i was in a similar situation so i guess i understand what you are going through. You cant move on yet you cant seem to let go because it’s too hurtful to let go when you are still deeply in love. It seems not a feasible choice. Ive been there and we tried many times to break up but didnt work until his wife found out about us the 2nd time. Thats when things ended, and it ended in a very heartbreaking way for me because he was the one who said goodbye and he chose to be with his wife and family. I was left alone and i felt abandoned. No matter how much he said he loved me, it couldnt make up for the fact that he is not with me and never will. Im always his second choice. Im half dead, half alive and i cant think of any ways to move on. It hurts like hell. So if i have any advice to you, that is you should be the one who says goodbye first, take the control because otherwise, you will be beaten up. You know this is not going anywhere, so be the dumper, not dumpee. You will see how the big differences are, because once you are dumped, there’s nothing for you to hold on to, and you will live with the pain for a very long time.

  • LearningFromYouAll

    My married man contacted me today after days of silence, saying how much he misses me and doesnt know what to do. Of course I broke the NC rule..and I feel so guilty and pathetic right now. I dont even love the guy, but still missing him and his messages way too much. This is really toxic.
    I didnt say anything – except that we did the right thing and that he wouldnt stand a chance with me as long as he is married, as I deserve so much better than just being an affair. Funny thing is that I do realize all those things, I know I dont love him – but something is just incredibly pulling me towards him!
    Ladies, I admire you so much for doing so well with your break – ups. I know it is hard, and I didnt even get the full emotional experience yet! I thought it was similar to breaking up with a single guy, but hell no. NOPE. Very toxic and sick…
    Hugs to you all!

    • Trying to let go

      He’s the one who broke silence. The only way you can escape from letting that happen again is to block him on every site and phone you own. The curiosity about whether he has reached out with feel like torture but I will say the grieving and no communication is less bad than limbo land/gray area. I’m only day 3 but plan to take it one step at a time. Each day I’ll set little goals for myself with the first being do not contact and focus on what I need to get done. The toxic ones are intoxicating bc there’s usually crazy chemistry and your brain gets addicted. I hope that each day gets easier for everyone. I already feel lonely but I’d rather be alone and healthy with myself than lonely in a really sick, unhealthy relationship with a married man. IDK about the rest of you but reading posts and online articles about why it’s best to move on helps a lot or at least in the moment.

    • hardtime

      You sound like me. I dont love him but miss him and the messages so much. I always wonder why he did not message me and happy when i hear from him. I have taken his phone number off my phone so cant contact him that way but still have him on facebook, for some reason cant take him off that. But i am taking it one day at a time and hope it gets easier then it is right now.

  • Victoria

    Dear Ladies, trust in Jesus. He can save us from this misery. He is the living God. I am telling you from my own experience. Trust him and pray pray and pray. He will answer your prayers.

  • cathy

    Trying To Understand…

    Im writing this to make sense out of the relationship I had with a married man to see if anyone agrees, or has also experienced, or thought the same way about this. I may be totally wrong and naive but I’m trying to see it in a another light, because I can’t stand the thought that they are are all horrible liars and we were all just being used! I just need to see if anyone else feels the same way! Please tell me if you think I am a sucker I need to hear the truth, so my heart stops hurting.

    My married man was older (50’s) and I really think a lot of the older married men are having affairs and their wives know (not all and some to a a certain extent) but they turn their heads the other way, until it becomes more serious! Then all hell breaks loose. We are the ones that get the short end of the stick when it goes downhill.

    I’m in my early fifties now and had a three year love affair. I thought he was a widower when I met him, he failed to tell me he had remarried immediately after his wife passed away. When I found out, he made me feel so bad for him, he was trapped in a marriage, he wished never happened. He was sad and vulnerable just before and after his wife passed. His new wife didn’t even live with him after they were married, she only came home on weekends. They had been married for about ten years when I met him.

    This whole situation has broken me and I am trying to get myself back again. That is why I am please asking for others opinions on what they feel towards situations like this. I have always tried to see the good in people and I think I am to trusting and I don’t like to see people hurt, or in pain.

    Because of my age, i have talked to so many people (around same age) that do not have any intimacy in their marriages. It always seems to be the same story. The woman says she is not interested in sex anymore. She says it’s because of menopause, or some other health reason. Then they become more like roommates or friends, they don’t have anything in common anymore and their relationship is dull, but polite. They have a nice house, cars, etc. Friends and family think they have a normal marriage. They both think it could be worse, they could be alone and not have the assets they have now, so they accept what they have.

    The married man is lonely and feels rejected at some level, how can you not? I have had several friends tell me this, when it has happened, not just my mm. We would feel rejected too, if our husband didn’t want us anymore! They stay married because they have built a life together and it would totally be a mess if they split up. Plus, at an older age you can usually not afford such a big change. They fall into a pattern of being “friends” or “roommates” my married man was even moved into his own bedroom by his “wife”. The man accepts it, because he has to, he doesn’t have a choice, unless he leaves, but that is almost impossible by this point in your life. It’s easy to say and do when you are young and don’t have baggage and financial ties that are totally intertwined with another person.

    Then one day the married man meets someone (you, us) that jump starts his whole life again! He feels young and happy and has feelings that have been buried for years and years. I know some couples that haven’t been intimate in their marriage in 15 years or more! People say marriages aren’t just about sex, but sexual intimacy is a huge part of who we are and what we need. It brings us closer to the other person and creates a bond that’s deeper than a friend, or roommate. If you don’t have that feeling for each other than there will be problems. It’s part of love and it doesn’t even have to be sexual. Some friends have told me their wives won’t even kiss or cuddle, or hold hands anymore. I kept asking a million questions to friends, so I could understand the man’s side of it. I figured they all can’t just be lying monsters, there has to be another side of the story. The same story came up over and over!

    We are all human and we all need love and intimacy and to feel good about ourselves. When you meet someone that has been deprived of this for a long time and you are on the receiving end, it’s the most ELECTRIFYING joyous, exciting and magical relationship you can ever experience! It truly is!, Especially if you have come out of a horrible relationship also. It’s like two drowning people and you have both found the same life preserver and you feel alive for the first time in years. When we are younger and unmarried, we are free to move onto another relationship if the one we are in doesn’t work out. When we are older and married, we are bound to that relationship legally and everything we have worked so hard for our entire life can go poof, or we lose half of it…So we stay and numb ourselves into believing this is the way it will be.

    I think the married man is so happy to feel again that you become his focus! He says and does things that no one else ever did for you, because he is in such a state of euphoria and doesn’t think the situation through. This makes you feel the same way, so the both of you start living in a wonderful fantasy world…One that won’t last!

    Again, I’m not saying everyone is this way, some men are just users and jerks. I do believe some men are sweet and kind and loving and very alone in their marriage. We become like a drug to them (they are to us also) and they will do and say anything to get their fix. In turn, they start using us, disappointing us and making us feel like we are not good enough to be an actual part of their real life. They create a world they want, but can’t have.

    I think the wife’s radar goes off and she realizes this may not just be a sex thing, he might actually have feelings for the sideline that kept him busy for awhile. I know for a fact his wife knew! She didn’t care, but once it became really serious she put a stop to it and threatened she would take everything and leave him without anything, if he didn’t stop seeing me. That only lasted a week! He just found other ways to contact me.

    We aren’t together now, we can’t be, it was turning me into a mean, frustrated person with a lot of anxiety. I just wanted to write this, not on their defence, because every situation is different…but I really don’t think they all intend to be as terrible and destroy us. They just get trapped in a situation where reality sets in and they don’t know how to get out and actually be with us. Some of them must be in as much pain as we are! But we are better off, we are not stuck for the rest of our life with someone we don’t want to be with, they are! We have the opportunity to meet someone that can give us all of their love and be with us! The mm will never be so lucky!

    This is not an excuse for them and no woman should stay in a relationship like this. It’s not good for anyone involved! It creates so much pain on so many levels. I think that’s why a lot of them ignore us at times, they can’t handle it! A lot of men hide instead of facing how cruel the relationship became for us. I don’t know how one can face themselves in the mirror everyday, after destroying the person they say they loved so much.

    My married man told me everytime we split up he was so depressed he didn’t want to go on, he started trying to find a way to make more money, so he could leave, but I can’t be a part of that. I want to believe it with all of my heart, but after reading how so many were treated, after years of waiting, I had to let go. I would be there for him and be with him, if he contacted me and was free, but sadly, I don’t think that will ever happen and I have to face it!

    Sorry this was so long!

    • Heartbreak

      Hi Cathy. I have the same nature, I see the good in others and I don’t easily give up on people until they have really proved how awful they are and there is no other way to see their behavior except in the poor light that it actually was. And yes, there are jerks and assclowns, and there are nice decent men who just happen to married. I am sure that there are lots of marriages in which the intimacy and sex is not optimal, or maybe in rare instances, non existent. However , this impression that married men give you about how bad their marriage actually is, is blown up to sound worse than it probably is. If the wives of these men were actually asked, I think most of them would be horrified at what a grim picture life with her is being painted as. And even if life may not be romance and roses, it doesn’t really give you an excuse to stray. Although I am in an extra marital relationship myself, I can’t in any honesty justify it by saying it’s because my husband is bad. We commit to our spouse in a marriage and ideally we should honor it. Or get out of it.
      My married man was a very decent person, he was so good to me for eight years that words would fail me if I tried to describe it. I worshipped the ground he walked on and vice versa. There was nothing that he wouldn’t do for me and I never, ever felt like the other woman. I never felt sleazy or dishonored. However for the last one year he keeps withdrawing totally, with not a word of warning or explanation, for no reason at all. Then comes back for some time, withdraw again. This has been done at least four times in the last year and then he finally withdrew forever. If you had asked me a few years ago whether I could imagine him being even a tenth as nasty and cruel, and be so disrespectful and dishonest, I would have said never. But he did it. He behaved in ways that I shudder at, they were so callous and cruel and sabotaging. So it’s not like you can’t be in an affair with a decent man, but most often they never break up with you in a decent way, relationships end all the time but it’s only with married men that they are so long drawn out, torturous and exhausting. Leaving the woman a wreck. And the way we behave after a break up and the way they do is poles apart. We die inside while they go back to wifey. Sure they suffer too, but never the way we do. Maybe they escape because they can’t handle your emotions, but that is not basic decency and cannot we labeled as acceptable behavior by any standards. The least we deserve is to be broken up with in a kind manner. If they are the one who broke up with us, and usually it is them who initiates the breakup, they are in a position of strength and can afford to at least new compassionate. But most move on by trampling on your heart and your psyche and mess you up for ages, if not forever. I am not sure if what I wrote in some way answers the questions you had, but that’s how I feel. That married men may really be lonely, they may be decent people but the breakup is always messy and cruel and very damaging to us.

      • Karla

        Heartbreaker, you were 8 years???? How long were you in pain for? And I thought 6 years was alot….. reading your post and all of the other ladies make me feel somekind of peace

      • Cathy

        Hi Heartbreak, thank you for responding. I’m sorry your relationship turned out the way it did. It’s hard to figure out what is going through their heads, I don’t think they even know 🙁 I wrote that post, because I was trying to look at it all from a diff perspective, I know I am probably wrong, but I am just hoping some of them out there are not just liars and users. It’s terrible to feel like disposable sidelines, I know that for sure 🙁

      • Sim

        Heartbreak, you have laid it all out what I’ve been feeling. The relationship itself was beautiful and I don’t think, in my case, anyone was used or taken advantage of. That’s why it makes the breakup even harder. Sometimes I wish, if he were a jerk, it’d be easier for me to get over it, but he wasn’t. I’m in love with him with all my heart and so was he. What we had was so beautiful. However, he left me to go back to his wife, and all I know is I’m left with all this pain and loneliness and rejection while he’s happy with his little family, just like nothing ever happened. That strong sense of rejection and abandon is killing me everyday, knowing that he can still live happily and fulfill without me. I keep asking the same question, “how could he do that? Falling in love so hard and getting out so easily while I cry almost everyday and my life is all messed up”? and there’s no way out or lift me up from this bad feeling because that’s the fact. He wanted the break up, he never reached out to me again and he’s committed to his wife. What else can I say, or do..

      • Cathy

        Hi Heartbreak, ty for responding…I am again messed up, I felt so strong when I wrote that the other day and then my weak part of me took over 🙁

      • Jackie

        To say “Thank you”, to you would be an understatement, for sharing your story and pain with us. I hope you take really good loving care of you, and know that you are thought of.

    • Trying to move on

      I think if you read the comments you’ll find that most of us share the same story. I’ve tried breaking up with my married man (whom I happen to work for which makes it infinitely worse) for months. He has the same reasons for not leaving that you mentioned. They are financially bound together and have kids. Blah blah blah. IDK about you but ours has been up and down. When things are good they are magical but if any conflict arises he turns into a demon and goes all psychological warfare on me. Finally after the last time we were together and he didn’t even acknowledge me the next day I told myself enough is enough. I called him out and all hell broke loose. I blocked his phone and his email this weekend. I’ll most likely have to find a new job at a different company. We are better off bc we have options and that’s something I hold onto dearly. This hurts like hell and I feel like I can’t get off the couch but this too shall pass. To anyone that is starting an affair with a married man or considering it please run like hell.

      • Patty

        I think what’s hard for me is he will say he misses me and loves me but can go days without messaging me. He can just go back to his wife and kids and pretend I don’t exist. Don’t tell me you miss me. If you did I would hear from you. And even knowing it’s better for me if I don’t hear from him so I can get it through my head that this won’t work.. I just need to know I mean something.

    • Sharon

      Thank you Cathy for sharing your thoughts. You have outlined my situation clearly. I agree with you not all married man are monsters and intended to hurt us in the start but in the end we all get hurt and has to carry on with the guilt, shame, disappointment and bitterness for I don’t know how long.

      • Karla

        Sharon, he is trying to make you feel guilty, dont fall for it. He wants you to release his stress and by that u know what I mean. Ask god for strength and alot. Im asking him every day. My married man broke up with me on Valentine’s day so imagine how im feeling. No more breaks up and making up like we used too. 6 years of my life with him went down the drain. His wife doesn’t even know but I rather suffer than her knowing. His relationship with his wife is of 22 years.

      • Sharon

        Thank you Karla. I am sorry about your break up. I hope you will find the courage to carry on and God will show you the way.
        My relationship with my married man is not sexual. Its emotional. However on valentine day I ended it too as I did not want to celebrate the day as if all was well and the next day call it quit . So I told him that day it was over.
        We did not talk for 2 days. Today we spoke, he assured me in his words that he wants to be with me and that he will come to me. I told him as i always kept telling him , I would only accept him if he comes with his whole heart and soul. If there is a chance for him to work on his relationship at home , I will happily step away. And I mean this with all my heart . But I just cannot accept a relationship where a man’s heart is torn in two. Nor would i break a marriage if that’s where he wants to be and they can work on their relationship.

    • Forget-me-not

      Cathy,
      I read your comment and I agree with how you present your view on things. Perhaps it is not quite the same for the younger married men who either enjoy the chase, or those who are dominated by their high level of testosterone or the ones who are just missing the spark when drowning under responsibilities of raising children. When children come into a relationship it does often change the whole dynamics. The married man who used to have his wife’s undivided attention might have to realize that he can no longer be the center of her universe and the relationship might become more of a struggle. Women get frustrated with their husbands who often can’t cope as well with work and doing their share of the work at home and with kids. Women get exhausted and lose themselves in motherhood and can’t meet the demands the husbands make on top of all that they do and men get frustrated and feel neglected. It’s a vicious circle.

      However, for the older generation, it is a little different. I am also close to my 50s and I do believe it’s exactly how you describe it. I came out a difficult marriage and my married man has been unhappy a very long time in his. When you wrote your comment and reading it made me feel better. It’s as if you were describing my situation though in my case there are children involved and my married man is very involved in their lives. I definitely think that not all married men are just using us but they start sinking under the weight of when fantasy turns to reality. When we start making demands, the affair becomes yet another struggle they cannot cope with because that is the type of men they are. The married men who refuse to let go of their marriage are the types that find too difficult to face their problems and to deal with reality so they need a fantasy to escape to. It is sad. I do not understand their reasoning, even if it is complicated and assets and comfort are at stake. They are just too cowardly. If despite having all that they have are not happy so why not make the necessary changes? Rather, they make empty promises and turn our world upside down and then let us down and hurt us. They might hurt too but they are the selfish ones so I have no sympathy for them.

      You are right though. They are the ones who end up stuck in their unhappiness while we can break free and do have the choice to be happy again, with or without a man in our lives. I guess we all need to learn how to be happy by ourselves first and stand firmly on our own feet. We should not allow anyone to have so much power over us to take that away from us.

      Sorry, my posts are always a bit too long.

      • Patty

        Karla that’s how I feel. I’ve only been with him a few months and he’s become so much a part of my life but he has small kids at home and I can’t be part of them losing their father. Nor do I want to ruin his marriage. I am going on day five or no contact and it’s horrible. But I know it’s best.

      • Cathy

        Hi Forget-Me-Not,
        Your posts aren’t to long, you have something to say and it makes me feel better to read it! Thank you for responding, you are so right, they are cowards…selfish also, or they would realize how they were hurting us. We are the lucky ones, even though we don’t feel like it! 🙂 Ty for responding.

    • Trying to move on

      Hi Cathy,
      I’ve written several posts on this website and after I read yours felt compelled to respond. Everything you described is my married man and our situation to a tee. He has been in a sexless marriage for years bc he no longer has any physical attraction to his wife. She has put on a significant amount of weight (I mean very unhealthy like 100 lbs overweight) and even though he has encouraged her to change her eating habits and work out she does nothing. This has been an issue for five plus years. I’m not blaming her bc I think it takes two to tango and in every relationship there are two parties at play. They have children in the prime of their lives, cars, a house, other assets and mutual friends. He is approaching fifty and says divorce would put them in financial ruins, devastate the kids and potentially risk him losing the support of his family.

      While I do believe there is truth to what your married man and my married man have told us, I also think we need to remember that they have not honored their commitment of “for better or for worse”. We’re merely a distraction and a bandaid to a much bigger problem. I don’t believe it’s black and white. Not every person sets out to be malicious and hurt others. I’ve tried breaking it off numerous times and like you get the begging, pleading and threats of wanting to kill himself. This situation has made me crazy. I’ve fallen into a depression and my anxiety has been unbearable. I used to workout regularly, meditate in the morning, give my undivided attention to friends/family when we’re together. Now I’m like an obsessed, insane woman checking my phone every ten minutes for a message. He can call or text whenever he desires but I’m not permitted to bc his wife might see. It’s so inequitable and after our last encounter and how he treated me the next day I finally had enough. I’m embarrassed by my reaction and wish I had kept my composure but sometimes shit needs to hit the fan. These relationships rarely if ever end peacefully and I knew I was going to lose it. I blocked his phone number and email address so now the only way he can reach me is through work IM. I’ve prepared a response if he tries to reconnect.

      I’m curious how long you have been in no contact and how you ended things permanently? I’m excited to get my life back and return to my true self. Even just after two days of no contact I miss his messages and phone calls but if someone can only give 10% of themselves what are we all really losing here? I won’t miss the emptiness after he left to go home to this family for the evening or hearing about the vacation they have lined up to travel around Europe. Holidays, birthdays, weekends alone… No dinners, holding hands in the street, taking vacations together, movie nights and sleepovers. Why is this so hard when we got so little from them?

      I wish everyone here all the love, support and strength possible. If I could go back… I’ve learned a very valuable lesson and truly believe there are no winners here, only survivors.

      • Cathy

        Oh my goodness Trying, when I read your post it made me tear up and cry! It is so similar, I just can’t believe it! I too have fallen into a depression and have had so much anxiety in the last three years, that there are days I feel like I am going to have a heart attack!

        When i wrote the post, I had been away from him for almost two weeks..he went on vacation with his wife! I set in my mind that I was done, this was it. When I wrote the post, I felt so good and so strong for the first time since we met. I felt like I had my life back on track.

        Sadly, the day after, I started feeling totally depressed and weak and contacted him! It’s like my brain and heart just went crazy and I saw myself typing to him (email) and couldn’t stop myself! I now know how it feels to have a drug or drinking addiction, except mine is to him. I literally could not stop myself! I was so mad at myself after I sent it.

        We are talking again and I told him about what I wrote and how I felt. It’s my fault, I had begged him to stay away and he was finally listening to me and I blew it! I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I have never been like this before, I have always been so in control of myself 🙁

        I’m sorry to all that read my post, I am weaker than I had hoped to be 🙁

    • Heartbreak

      Karla, you asked me how long I was in pain for. I was with him for 9 years, eight were good and the last one year was just series of breakups and getting back for few weeks then breaking up again. The final breakup was November 2016, so it’s just been three months. I am still in pain. Not like I used to be, it’s not a blind agony anymore, but it’s like a constant ache and because I work with him, I see him all the time and that’s not really the best thing when you are trying to move on after a breakup. Sometimes I feel that if he had died I would have found it easier to move on than this. But this time the breakup is for good, I just cannot bear how dysfunctional it had become towards the end. I feel that because of how it ended, all my lovely memories are tarnished forever. Anyway he is not the guy I fell in love with and had the beautiful memories with, his soul just died and I don’t recognize the person that walks in his body and looks through his eyes.

      • Karla

        Heartbreak, I wanna call him so bad and tell him How I feel but I know he wont give a f**** after he screamed to me that he loved her. Its been 6 days and im working and all of a sudden memories come back and my tears come out. 9yrs for you is alot. I woulnt stand to work with him. Does he look at u when u are at work? Not even a hi???. My ex married man left his work like 2 yrs ago cause he didnt want to continue there and my dum quite the job too. So to him as was loyal cause I was right behind him but I was for 2 yrs with job. He pushed me to apply where Im working now and thank god I got the job. He motivated me to apply. He told me since day 1 that he wasn’t going to leave his wifey and I agreed. I try to tell myself it was always the intimacy that kept us together. Im doubting his love now.

    • Laura

      Hi. I am brand new to this site, and your comment really hot home with me. I have just ended a 6 month relationship with a married man and I am sick and devastated. I am 50, the man was 57. Any tips you could give me to get through this would be so appreciated. Thank you. Laura

  • Anne

    Ive written in here on this site a good few months back now and have always kept up to date in with all you brave womens comments, now more than ever because I once again find myself back at square one.. long story short, a married man persued me, we have what you would refer to as an online romance/affair/fling there really is no words to it.. but the same thing happens over and over and it is as plain as the nose on my face that I am and have been taken for a ride end of.. even though we only met up the once for a very brief and uneventual fumble as what I would call it.. that was almost a year ago now and he has been persueing me for two years.. he is a best friend of a family member of mine and he is married with a baby, I on the other hand should know better as am six years older than him, and have teens and am single, my choice split from the kids dad a year and half ago, never the right relationship for either of us.. anyhow what I would really like to ask all of you women out there is why oh why do I keep on going around in this stupid pathethic circle.. ??? it is beyond me it really and truly is.. I can nearly KNOW what he is going to say to me next.. here is my pattern here and I really am apologising to all you readers out there in advance in the hope you havnt fallen asleep reading and listening to me so far.. lol, so yes here is my pattern, he contacts me 99% only through text message and it is usually if not ALWAYS on either of a Friday, Saturday evening and late in the evening when Wife gone to bed or he in his friends having a beer or whatever and it is the same he will say he loves me, he misses me, I’m his soulmate, he cannot stop thinking about me, I’m such a babe (his words not mind ha), how did we come to this, blah blah blaaahhh blah blahhhh.. anywhoo, depending on which mood I’m in I would generally go along with the crap and reply and next day you would not even hear from him as obviously wakes up with hangover and Wife around etc.. my reply is ALWAYS please stop contacting me as I have morals and if you are single look me up etc.. as I do have self respect.. then nothing for a week or so and hes back again with the pathetic texting.. it has gone so bad now that he has said he knows that I’m his soulmate and he rang me recently to speak and I wouldn’t answer as he was away at the time on business and I wasn’t gonna be used for a phone call as it was convenient for him.. I told him it wasn’t convenient and he said sorry.. last text from him was quite confusing as he said you were right, we both need to be single to give us a proper go..wtf? seriously anyhow, I am so annoyed with myself for continuing in this circle can anybody please pleaaaassseeeee tell me how to stop before I go insane as it is really the equivalent of being on a horrible emotional turmoil of a merrygoround.. not cool.. thanks.

    • Karla

      Hi Anne, he gonna text u when he want some from u, the best thing is to block him and ignore him. Trust me its hurts, I feel like my world is going to end.. I even want to go look for him but then I think how we broke up and repeatedly told me that he loves his wife. I think he did it to push me away. So far its working because never ever with 6 yrs of being together did he tell me that.

    • Heartbreak

      Hi Anne. If you had written in a few months ago and are still on the same roundabout, that’s a shame. Why do you leave the door open for the married man? See it just doesn’t seem like an affair that is even worthy of your second glance, what is this creep giving you? Except a drunken text now and then. The only way, the only ever way, is to block him. Block him on whatsapp, email, Facebook, phone, everything. Don’t reply back saying don’t contact me, show him you mean business. See one thing I have learnt the hard way is this . And I would really really advice everyone who is going through an affair to follow this. The moment you feel your married man is dicking you around, break up with them. Do it yourself, don’t wait for them to break up with you. The difference between being the dumper and the sense of rejection that being a dumped person brings is so much. The difference in your psyche when you do the break up instead of waiting to be dumped is the difference between heaven and hell. It helps you take your power back from the get go and the road to recovery is less rocky than if you keep the back and forth. Been there, done that. Don’t take his texts seriously, he isn’t even giving you the basics of trust, care and respect, forget above love. Be strong, there is no way you deserve this, these online affairs are really a disservice to women in my opinion. You deserve roses and warm hugs and hand holding, not this.

      • Sim

        Totally agree with heartbreak on being the one who said goodbye first. It’s not a race but it will make a huge difference and it will effect how you manage the post-break up feelings. If you are the one who decides it, u will come out strong and though there’ll still be sadness, you know you can cope with it because after all, it’s your decision. If you let yourself in the situation of being dumped (like mine), you would definitely go through all the worst feelings of being rejected, left, disrespected, abandoned, unloved, and lonely. And the worst part is you can’t do anything about it because it’s not even your decision. It’s his. And you struggle to get back the attention just to take back a little ego but he keeps ignoring you, which makes the situation worse. So yeah, gather all your strengths, cut it before it cuts you.

  • lifelessons

    I can’t even eat or sleep without the aid of those drugs. I’m slowly deteriorating. I always judged women who had affairs with married men, and I know people who have never been in this situation who would say I deserve what I’m getting. I was one of those people. Judging others is such a cruelty. One good thing from this experience is to teach me never to judge anyone unless you walk in their shoes.
    This site is full of compassionate women.
    Heartbreak, I will heed your advise. I will hang in there. If you’ve been through the worst, then maybe so can I.

  • lifelessons

    Thank you, heartbreak, for those sweet and encouraging words. I cried reading them.
    I understand when you say that this passes, but how long does it take? The pain is always there, doesn’t lessen no matter what I do, where I go, who I talk to. It’s always there in my chest, eating me alive from the inside. I even tried blocking him but unblocked him a few hours later yesterday. I’m so pathetic. I long for this married man. I think about him every single second. He’s the first thing that pops into my mind when I wake up and the reason I cry myself to sleep. He’s even in my dreams sometimes. I can’t escape him. The worst thing is I can’t entirely avoid him because I have to see him several times a week. It doesn’t help. I always look forward to seeing him, even though I know there won’t be any personal encounters.
    He seems so unaffected. Like he’s moving on without the slightest regret. God, it’s hurts. Everyday, it hurts. I often wonder if he even thinks about me. Even only for a few minutes in his days. Does he long for me sometimes when he sees me? Did he lose interest really or is his conscience eating him up too much for him to continue seeing me anymore?
    He truly is a good man. Good people do bad things, right? I mean, I did a bad thing by knowingly getting involved with a married man in the first place. I knew this, but the heart wants what it wants.
    I was always a bit depressive before we met, but I had it under control. Still, he got me out of the rut. Helped me through it. He made me feel like there truly was a reason to live. And now that he’s kind of rejecting me, I’m having a down-spiral like never before. I’m worse than I’ve ever been. Only he can fix me. Only he can save me, but he won’t.
    So how long does it take to get over a married man? I didn’t go to work today because I can hardly function. Slept the whole day with the aid of the pills. Sleep seems to be the only escape. When I woke up, I simply took another one to put me right back to sleep. I’m going to take another one soon, just for a few more hours of peace.
    I can’t talk to anyone about this. It will just make things worse. So I found myself here.
    I am deeply in love with someone who doesn’t want me back.
    Heartbreak, and all the others who’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel, you are incredibly strong to have achieved that.
    I don’t think I am.

    • Sim

      Lifelesson,
      The more i read your post, the more related and connect i feel to my own situation. These days are just horrible, really im just half alive, everything is grey, tasteless, sad, boring without him. Not being able to be with him is torturing already, but the worst part is he dumped me to choose his wife. After all the love, the pains, the struggles we have been through, he still left me to protect his family. Where are the words and the feelings and the love he said when he left me? I saw a photo of him kissing his wife’s pregnant belly the other day, and all the comments are happy. they are living happily while im all suffering, crying every day and night. I almost fainted when i saw the photo, it’s like the knife cutting right through my heart, i felt dizzy and just wanted to die right at that moment because the pain was unbearable. I then wrote him, showed my hatred and anger but a few moments later, i deleted it because i knew it didnt help. He’s still happy, he has everything and the fact that im miserable would just mean…nothing to him. He will never sacrifice anything for his family and im the loser all alone. Im still trying to make it work bit by bit everyday, very slowly but i guess we dont have another choice. This morning, when i woke up, my first thought is about him and i ached, but i have a long day ahead, we all do. Try and hopefully this agony will pass.

      • lifelessons

        Hello, Sim and all you brave ladies.
        It’s been almost three weeks since I have written here.
        What a wreck I have been. I have gotten into trouble at work for my absenteeism since the official mark of the end of the relationship between my married man and I. I simply could not get out of bed for days and days. I had neglected my self and my daily responsibilities, both at home and at work. I cried and cried and when I was not crying, I slept and slept and slept. Nothing mattered to me and nothing existed but this abyss of pure misery that I inhabited for the last few weeks. There was no way out and no one but him had the potential to help me.
        I never ever thought I would say this, but I can finally see a few faint rays of the light that must be at the end of this long, convoluted tunnel. A little hope. I am finally learning to accept my situation and the fact that I could never be to him what he is to me. I am slowly letting go of my expectations of him. The words that I had memorized and believed, about how he loves me and cares very much for me, about how he has never let anyone in like he let me in, those words… I am finally starting to see them as the lies that they probably are.
        I didn’t want to let go. That’s what was keeping me in the rut. Finally, I am learning to let go.
        I won’t lie, I still miss him terribly. I long for him with an aching intensity. I still think about his tender words and fantasize about his passionate kisses.
        He is my first love.
        It’s so ironic that for almost 24 years I was saving myself for the right person, and of all people, I had to relinquish it to a married man. My married man. My beautiful married man whom I still sadly love so much.
        I still ask myself how I could have been so stupid to fall for him. How I have allowed him to occupy this big space in my heart while I occupy none in his.
        I think that the fact I am finding it possible to move on is because he is making it easy. There is no effort whatsoever from his side. He doesn’t communicate with me telling me he misses me or nonsense like that. If he did, or so much as hints that he wants us to meet, I know this one thing: I would grab the opportunity with both hands.
        I guess it’s a bit pathetic.
        I almost sent a casual text to him today. Almost. The fact that I did not is a clear indication that I am making a little progress. That is something I never would have been able to achieve before. Slow, but sure, progress.
        I just hope he doesn’t contact me (half hopes he does) so that I am able to truly move on. If he does, I fear that the little progress I have made will be in vain and I will be sucked into this poisonous trap again. He still holds that power. I am still his, even though he (that little crumb of him) is no longer mine.
        Sim, the fact that you related so well to my words has made me a little less miserable. At least I’m not the only one.
        If all of the ladies here have gone through it, then how dare I give up as I would have?
        Thank you for the comforting words.
        Best wishes to all of you.

      • Sim

        LIfelessons,
        I’m glad that you wrote back and u seem to have the strengths you need. I still miss my married man too much, I think about him almost all day, it makes me tired and stuck. Missing someone while you can’t do anything about it, especially when that someone has left you to choose another woman – his wife. All the loving words don’t mean a thing the moment he turned his back to me and left. I felt like being betrayed. Nothing could feel as painful as being abandoned by the one you love with all your heart. I’m still a fool, I know if he contacts, I would still reply and tell him how much I miss him and love him. But the thought of him being happy with his wife and family stops me from contacting him and reaching out to him. I endure the pain myself, I cry every night and I love him, but what else I can do? He’s still living happily with another woman, he’s doing fine without me, he doesn’t bother to show me his love, nothing matters anymore.

  • Karla

    Im so heartbroken right now and angry. I feel like I can’t breath and it feels my world is going to end. I had an affair for 6 years with this married man I met from work. He even applied somewhere else and started working there. We broken up so many times and got back together but now its really over. He got his sister involved and she told me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and to leave him alone that it was over. I called him and he didnt want to talk to me at all. I called him 20xs he told me he loved his wife and that I wasn’t treating him no more with respect. All I told him he was changing that I needed more time from him, At least 1 per week. I would drive to his work for lunch and thats how we kept it hidden for 6 years. I never called him at home or his personal # that why he got a prepaid cell phone and left it at work. I know it was wrong but he would made me feel loved, he would tell me my body was perfect with stretch marks. He made me feel good about myself. Will I ever find someone like him? Or to make me feel good?

    • Heartbreak

      Hi Karla. Just wanted to give you some support. I know how hard it is to break from a long term affair. The making up an breaking up just overall makes the dynamics of an already unhealthy relationship worse. And if the man is worth it, the most we should do is give them a second chance if we have both agreed to change the unhealthy patterns and behaviors. No man deserves one single chance beyond that. See we affair partners make waves, we want changes, we make demands and have expectations. That is why these mm go back to wifey and play house, it’s their way of escape. It’s easier to ignore you and pretend you don’t exist, than to face up to their own less than optimal behavior. You will find some one better than him, why would you want some one like him, he broke up with you.

      • Karla

        Thank you, heartbreaker when will this pain will go away? My anxiety will kick in tommorow thats when he goes back to work.

      • lifelessons

        Heartbreak, what you says almost explains my married man’s behavior. How he became more and more distant the more I confronted him about his behavior and how it has been affecting me. His lack of response and reduced frequency in communication. I suppose that the fact that I have feelings that I happened to air to him has become too dramatic for him. Suddenly, having to deal with his less-than-mediocre married life has become less bearable than having to deal with a whiney side object.
        The thrilling secret relationship with a young, pretty girl had suddenly become a thorn at his side and probably made him realise how much his wife actually means to him.
        It almost makes sense.
        I just wish it didn’t have to be at my expense. I would not wish my recent experience upon my worst enemy. It’s a wonder how I lived through the worst of this heartbreak.

  • Feeble Heart

    I feel I really need help.. Read some of the comments and somehow it hurts, makes me feel uncomfortable. I love this guy for about 5-6 years now. Broke up with him when his wife was expecting.. it lasted about 1 year, but now he is back in my life. I can’t really share this with my friends, they once helped me to break up with him.. we’re back dating each other (secretly of course) for the past year now. But I’m tired of being treated like a doormat.. me always begging for his attention.. he ‘taking me’ when he is available and when convenient to him.
    I’m not sure to love him anymore, but he’s like always drawing me to him. He always comes up being a friend and showing some weakness and me always ending helping him.. then the circle is on until I feel fed up.. then him drawing me again. I am tired of this situation I’m like stuck up in life..personal and professional.

    I wonder what next 🙁

    • Feeble Heart

      It hurts to know he will continue living his life happily and as if nothing happened. I can’t stand the fact that he actually will live without me. When the fact is he already is living without me. I don’t hold any importance in his life, never did infact despite all i did for him.

    • Karla

      Im starting to get this anxiety that I would go look for him and waited 3 hours to come out from lunch. We would fix like that but now I cant. I have dignity but this feeling is horrible of my anxiety. I keep looking at time his break is almost coming up he would call me. Dont know how to stop this anxiety: (

    • Sim

      HI Feeble Heart,
      I know how it is because I was in your shoes. I was in a relationship with a married man for nearly 2 years and we were in love head over heels. We are each other’s soulmate, we are everything to each other. The thing is, this man, he was engaged when we met. We could’t resist the love for each other so we continued and fell even deeper in love when he got married and after he got married. It hurts me because when thinking back, I reckon he’s never chosen me from the beginning, he could have a chance but he got married anyway and what he always said to me is he was sorry he couldn’t be with me 100% of his time, that he was not 100% mine although he loved me with all his hurt. He wife recently got pregnant and she found out about us the 2nd time, and that’s when he said goodbye, that’s when I learn who is more important in his life. When it comes to final decision, he still chooses his wife over me, his unborn daughter over me, his family over me. He knows how devastated I am, and how much pain it caused me but he walked straight away, to keep his own happiness. He got rid of me to keep his own family. I’m sharing with you my own story because it’s a way to remind me of the truth, and not to just remember all the good times we had. It’s hard but i’ve made it 2 months without him. It hurts everyday, I miss him every, and I love him dearly. But I just know I can stop contacting him and that’s I’m on the right track, although it hurts like hell. I close my eyes, cry the tears, and keep walking ahead. Tomorrow is another day and I’m sure someday, i don’t know when, everything will be better. Stay strong.

      • Rhea

        Sim,
        I am encouraged by you saying that you cry your tears and keep walking ahead. These married men are moving on!!! They are home carrying on as if we never existed. Let’s learn from them. I tell myself every moment – one foot in front of the other. Keep it moving. I have to keep it moving. Moving on. Moving forward! There is nothing for me behind!!!
        I have a fantasy that if he and I ever make contact again in the years to come, I want to be able to prove how successful I’ve been. I can’t imagine ever seeing him again. I wish for the day when in my eyes, he will be just someone I used to know. My heart and arms ache for him. I will let these tears fall and I will keep moving on. I don’t have a choice. This is self- preservation. The other option is to pull him back in, risk rejection but if he comes back, then I’ll be the one running after him all the time for validation. We used to spend days together. And then the next few days I wouldn’t hear from him!! I don’t need any man or any person to treat me like that.

  • cathy

    I feel like this site is helping me so much. I come on and read the stories every time I feel down about him, It makes me realize that there isn’t such thing as a loving, special or fairytale ending when you are involved with a married man. They are so selfish, they don’t even care, or realize how much they destroy us! They aren’t worthy of our love! 🙁

    • Su

      I’m trying to see it this way. He may say he cares or loves me. Ok then. Why don’t I hear from you more often. You see how I hurt. Bottom line is they are selfish. And he isn’t mine to demand anything from. I hate this. He is in Hawaii with his family. I keep checking fb to see if anything posts. He’s never said he’s leaving her nor do I want him to. So why am I still aching for him? I’m 47. Ive been around long enough to know better.

  • LearningFromYouAll

    Hello ladies,

    I keep reading each and every story posted here. Maybe I would like to offer you a more positive perspective of yourselves and your situation here 🙂
    Almost in each story, I read things like I was nothing to him, he didnt care, he didnt love me, I wasted a lot of time waiting for him and so on. Here are also a lot of extremes, like some mms went as far as restricting you from several things (starting with what you should wear up to meeting and spending time with your families).
    I know you are going through a hell right now- because you all loved them too much and gave your souls in the relationships! I know! Been there done that. I left my married man very soon, because I knew what was going to happen, because I learned from you all. I did….but the break ups are all the same, so I know how you are feeling just because I experienced several break ups myself.
    Please keep in mind that just the fact you loved someone and gave them your heart is nothing bad. This happens. Love is never wrong. People we love sometimes are just not the right ones to receive our attention and care. There are two things I am more than sure about.
    1. Hell yes the married men are missing you! Of course they are thinking of you and about what you gave them. If you spend several years seeing somebody and being in touch with them daily – of course they will. The truth here is that they were cowards and took an easier path to deal with the situation. Men like their comfort zones – making changes is extremely hard. To be honest, I wouldnt be feeling sorry for myself if a relationship with mm ended – I would be sorry for him…their relationships with their wives are broken. They will be unhappy bastards until the rest of their lives. Yes, they can play happy families and happy married couples – but the fact they had you ladies means there was something wrong in their marriages, something was missing there and you were providing them with what was missing. If they decided to stay with their wives – ok. Time to move on and make yourself happy!! 🙂 It is all what matters now. They will live in pitty and guilt for the rest of their lives… I dont know about you, but I would prefer to be single and happy, other than living their lives 🙂 Dont wanna generalize tough, there are exceptions to every rule.
    2. Do YOUR things now! You are free! Somewhere I read that one lady got a new pair of high heels- great start! I got a new jacket, and an ice cream (spent my Valentines with my ice cream – and you know what? IT FELT GREAT!). Do things you couldnt while you were seeing the married man. I know it sounds like a cliche…but it truly works. Make yourself beautiful every day and just be happy, try to smile! Meet friends, family, talk about it, …I know you are broken to pieces – but life goes on and it is what we make it to be! Prepare yourselves to love and to be loved again and it will come.

    I dont wanna play smart on you, of course not, I am just trying to help and get you in a more positive mood about yourselves. You went through so many hard situations that you deserve the best from now on!

    And yes, I do miss my married man, too. But he is not worth my tears.

    Sorry if any mistakes again, Im not a native speaker 🙂

    TAKE CARE and BE HAPPY!!!

      • LearningFromYouAll

        Hey Melissa,

        I am so happy to hear that!! :)) Let’s be positive rather than self-destructive!
        There are so many beautiful and nice things in our lives, we just have to see and enjoy them again…step by step. Hugs to you!

    • Forget-me-not

      Great post and much needed positivity. As much as it brings some relief to be able to relate to how we are all suffering and how we are not alone going through this, it is so good to come across encouraging posts. Thank you. I enjoyed reading yours and it put a smile on my face.

    • Jackie

      Thank YOU!!! For saying what I needed to hear. I am so thankful I came across this page on how to break up with a married man, I relate to every single one of you and you have given me so much, saved me. We will get through this.

    • TryingtoBreakFree

      Thank you so much…my relationship with my married man sends me on drinking binges almost every weekend…I need to stop before I damage some organs in my body…I just cant seem to figure him out…I cant tell if he’s happy or unhappy with his wife…but I feel he’s comfortable…

  • Lucy J.

    Hello everyone… after searching google, i came across this site on how to break up with a married man and started to read everyones comments.. i have never told anyone about this… but felt that you are all so supportive and helpful that this is the right place….

    at the age of 18 i met a man…. im now 28… he is late 40’s himself, so big age gap too.

    ive been with him putting up with everything for 10 years almost…

    i want to break free from the heartache, the pain and suffering that his marriage has created… all the things i have had to put on hold for him… my life as an adult has only known what our relationship offers…. i dont know anything other than him and our restricted times of seeing each other and being together…

    if he was someone i could easily break from i would have done this by now…. he tells me he wants to be with me, but he is married and has three children and this is the excuse i always get, the children… they are now teenagers, i feel guilty… i want to settle down and have normal things with someone who really wants to be with me… and as much as i know he wants me.. my heart tells me he wants his family too…

    his wife hangs around, calls him daily, he want talk to her infront of me… he tells me that they dont have a seual relationship and just a friendship, but yet in 10 years wont leave her..

    if i dont break away from this now , i know he wont…

    problem i have, he is my boss too… i dont want to give up my job, again its all i have ever known…

    does anyone know how i can break away from this relationship with a married man as nicely as possible but he can still be part of my life because of work?!… i mean as much as it will hurt, my heart has hurt so much over these 10 years that to be honest i feel ready to walk away from the secret relationship….

    for the last two years i have had so many arguments about the situation with him, told him i want to be loved and made to feel special… he tells me he knows… he tells me he wants things to change too… i like to think after all these years i know him well, and i do feel sorry and sad for him too, i know we both want to be together, but it hasnt happened properly in 10 years… so my heart and head tell me i need to leave this situation as its affecting the person that i want to be…

    if any of you can give me any advise i would really really appreciate it… i dont know how best to speak with him about this… what to say…. i know we will both be sad… but our relationship isnt like it used to be anymore, this is down to the situation we are in and how all the lies and secrets and times apart and holidays apart etc etc just get on top of us…. the romance isnt there anymore either… i feel the last few months for sure i have wanted to protect myself and started to hold back a lot more… i thought this would make him try harder to sort the situation out… but i asked him outright last week when will he be with me, he doesnt know. he cant answer me.
    i asked him to tell me when does he think he will know, again he doesnt know, he cant answer me.
    he asked me what do i want to do, what do i want from him.
    i told him, but he cant give me what i want, he has tried his best, as have i.
    but i know i will never be number one in his life and thats really what i want…

    thank you for listening and i look forward to having any replies, Lucy x

    • Melissa

      Hey Lucy,

      He’s never leaving her. Tell him that you’re going to have a conversation with his wife and see what is going to happen. I assure you he will choose her. I did this recently. I put my foot down and said hats it I’m telling her -you’re MY man. The response I got was, please don’t tell her I’m going to work things it with her. And the fact he doesn’t have a sexual relationship, well, think about hat. They may not do it often but they do do it.

    • Heartbreak

      Hi Lucy J. That’s a long time you have been with this guy, ten years, whoa! You put ten years of your life on hold for him. I had been with my mm for nine years myself, but I am married too so there was no question of leaving our spouses and kids, it was just that he completed me in a way my husband never could, and we were more of friends than lovers anyway. If I had my way we could have continued like this for the rest of our lives, we had reached a wonderful level of understanding and were so comfortable together. But life got in the way, he had too many stresses and he couldn’t continue. He broke up with me suddenly and refused to talk at all about it, being escapist and a coward, and that’s something I hate him for. But you are single, you shouldn’t keep hanging on like that. He won’t leave his wife, they never do. There is no nice way to break up, affairs are always very messy to get out of. If you are already feeling the distance between you, take your courage and break up with him yourself, before he breaks up with you. That way the sense of rejection is much less and it’s easier to bear than being the dumpee, like I was. I now wish that I had initiated the break up, because the sense of rejection I felt was something that was really really hard to come to terms with. Please let go of him. There is life after an affair. You are young and will find a guy more worthy of all the love you have in your heart. Working with an ex is the pits, but it is possible to conduct yourself with dignity and do only limited contact required in your line of work. No hanging about, no personal talk, no long looks. Just focus on your work and the moment you finish your day, run out and go home. Draw support from friends,go to the gym, join yoga, travel. Do your thing and take each day as it comes. I hope that helps.

    • LearningFromYouAll

      Hi Lucy,

      10 years…omg. 10!! He isnt leaving for sure. That was the bad news 🙂 The good news is that you are 28, with your life and possibilities ahead. Dump that married man and live your life and find your own happiness with a guy for whom you will be a center of his universe.
      I am not saying it will be easy, after that much time. But trust me, you can do so much better than being only an affair. You will go through hell after break up but definitely worth saving your life and time from this affair! 🙂

  • Broken hearted

    I am feeling the same way you girls are feeling right now. I am doing no contact 1 month now and god its so hard. I am dying inside. I am so hurt that he used me i thought that what we have is special but i found out that all my gifts he is asking his wife to pay them and its becomes his wife’s gifts wherein i paid for all of those in cash. 🙁 when i found out instead of saying sorry he discarded me. But i am showing him that i am moving on and im in no contact for a month and 1 week now. He didnt bother to contact me at all and showing me also that he is moving on as well and it really breaks my heart. I am nothing to him.

    • Feeble Heart

      Yes, It literally kills you they will manage to live without you even after to have done so much for them. And it seems easier for married men to move on. They have their spouse whereas we fools have committed to them completely! 🙁

      • Sim

        It’s true Feeble heart, the worst pain is they can live happily without you. They do it effortlessly as if nothing had ever happened between the you and them. They smile, they are with their wives, say loving words, living the dream lives while we are sitting here missing them. How could married men be so cruel?

  • Grace

    Dumped by a married lover almost a year ago. Still miss him, still love him. See him at work he everyday but we don’t communicate… who knows when this pain will be over.

  • fiona

    How did everyone get on yesterday? I cracked open the champagne that’s been in my cupboard for months, and toasted some not very nice things. That didn’t help really.
    I wish I knew a way to feel all the things that I know. I know he isn’t worth all this pain, I know he isn’t the person I thought he was, I know I deserve better and that ultimately I’m better off without all the drama and mental torture he brought into my life. I saw all these things to myself, and I know they make sense, but I can’t feel them.
    I’ve seen 2 counsellors, and it didn’t help. It’s been 5 months since it ended, though it’s less than that for me as I didn’t know for the first while. How long is normal? I still feel blown to bits every day.

    • Sim

      Hi Fiona, I’m writing you because believe, I’m feeling the way you do. Every morning I wake up, I ask myself “Why is it feeling the same”, “Why hasn’t it lessened any bit”, every night I come home, I miss him and I wonder what he is doing, whether he’s thinking of me too. Everything you have written, we both know them, that the married man is not worth, that he’s not ours, that he’s not ever coming back, but we keep missing them. But we don’t know how to get rid of them. And all that’s left is loneliness and bitterness. We should go through all of the comments of the ladies here, they have helped me a lot. I don’t feel any better any days, and I miss him dearly. It’s been nearly 2 months for me, and I ask the same question, how long is enough? because I’m not ready to let go, and he’s all over my mind everyday, every second, whether I’m busy or not, whether I’m alone or with friends, whenever I am, wherever I am. this is some kind of obsession that I’m starting to scared that it becomes a sickness. Fiona, I well understand it, and I can share with you everyday, any time, because writing is the only way for me to let it all out, and having all of you here listening and replying me is the way to cure. I keep writing here how much I miss him and the time we had, sometimes pretending I was writing to him, except that I’m not and he’ll never know how I still love him. I don’t want him to know that I’m craving for him, that I’m missing him , because what’s the point of loving someone who doesn’t love you back? Why does he get the attention while I don’t? Why he’s had it all while I’m losing it all? I want him to question, to wonder, to miss me, I want he to taste it too. Hang on there Fiona, and keep writing here to us.

      • fiona

        Thank you Sim, everything you write feels so familiar to me. It’s been really helpful actually reading everything here, because it’s helping me to see what a stereotype he was. For years I believed that we were different, even now I still feel that sometimes and think ‘he has to come back because what we had was SO different’. But reading all the stories here is making me realise that this is the norm. We’re all going through the same hell, and it’s going to get better because all we did was believe in someone. They are the ones that have something wrong with them – I sometimes say that out loud in the car…’there’s something wrong with him’
        Stay strong xx

    • Brown girl

      I was alright on Valentine’s Day during the day. By the time it got to 9pm, I started getting a sinking feeling. By midnight I decided I would call him in the morning (couldn’t call him at that hour since his wife would be around) and just be casual and breezy and ask him how he’s doing (I’ve been no contact since exactly a month). I woke up with the feeling too, but i got busy with work and the feeling left me shortly. It’s so easy to relapse. I can’t believe a whole month of work and working on myself and telling myself I’m better than that would be down the drain. It’s only via this forum and a few blogs that I gain back some perspective and can tell myself “there’s no point, let it go.” One day at a time I suppose. It’s so hard. I really cannot relapse, I won’t forgive myself, it’ll be the biggest ego boost for him and really show zero integrity from my end.

      • fiona

        A month isn’t really that long, you sound like you’re getting stronger already. Well done for not calling.

    • Heartbreak

      Hello to Fiona, Sim, LittleFrenchie, Melissa, Rebecca, Brown girl, Forget me not, Learning from you all, Cathy, Miku. I hope I didn’t miss any of the names of the lovely women who are sharing their feelings these days. Valentine’s Day was a really bad day for me, I kept thinking of all the previous ones and I couldn’t reconcile to the deafening silence of this year. Actually I was foolish enough to send a card with a wish and got a big fat ignore for my efforts. So what I have realized is that any form of contact, even the most innocuous or well meaning one, just bites us in the backside. Because I doubt the men we direct all this attention to really feel the uncertainity, the tenuous hope, the fragile emotions behind our simple contact. Today I feel bad for giving in to the urge to send the wish and the card, I might have saved myself a bit of self loathing, and hatred towards him. I want to stay positive and I am really trying so hard. These negative spirals just make me feel so tired at times. And the worse thing is that i work with my ex, so even though I hardly engage with him and keep contact to a minimum, only I know how my heart beats and my breath catches when I see him. And how my eyes surreptitiously search for a glimmer of warmth in his. Even if no one else can know it, I do, and it feels pathetic to me.

      • Patty

        I feel ya. Told him Monday not to say he loves me or cares since he didn’t check on me all weekend and Monday morning I get a , how are you kid, asking how I’m handling chemo. If you cared you would’ve messaged me over the weekend or even a bit more during the week. So this morning I caved and asked does he really have nothing to say. Responds with I have a lot to say. And I know as I type this he is on route to Hawaii with his wife and kids. Why do I even bother. He was one of my best friends for a few months and it’s killing me not to chat. I know there’s no happy ending here. I don’t want him to leave his kids. I just so miss his attention. Which of course lessened once I slept with him. What the heck is wrong with me?!

      • Miku

        Hello heartbreak.. thank you for such words. And to everyone here.. today i got out of bed talked to a friend who knows my situation and had the same hellish cycle i am at the moment. I asked her how she did move on. And she said stop all contacts. Never answer his calls. And inside me i felt encouraged and strong and willed i wont. Then for a second i remembered i told him i know it is hard for him to call me and i said it will be fine if he can’t and i will understand that. Then she laughed and said so why are you waiting?? Since you gave him the right to perfectly ignore you. Like you are some woman who understands every bit of his foolish acts that you will be there waiting for him.. then i realized yeah she is right all of this time i do wait for him.. every fight we had whenenever he calls from a split second im fine. Everytime i break up with him he’d say you can’t waste years of this relationship because of money.. My effort spending time with you is that not enough? (Since he left and followed his wife i guess i can say NO) and today i ended up commenting on one of his public posts in facebook and when i checked it again.. Pooofff it was gone. I expected he would get my message to call me. But it didnt happen. Good thing is i became brave after the talk we had with my friend. She encouraged me to get busy. Remember things you hate about him and keep repeating those thoughts in your mind. And try to hate him. In a way it did help me. I didnt checked in my other phone like every minute and i used to hang my phone beside my bed. I left it hanging somewhere and placed it in silent mode. Everyday is still feel the pain and anguish.. but today i adked a simple prayer. Just jet the pain go away.. days from now my husband will be home. I hope that too can make my heart change and my mind settled.. keep sending thoughts and strengthe drawn from each one of us is amazing. It really helps me thinking that we were victims of love that we are great women! That after this tremor and delusion we all are stronger people than before.. i may dont know you but i love you all! Keep fighting!

      • fiona

        Heartbreak, next time you’re about to write or send something to him, come on here and we’ll talk you out of it. I’ve written twice, and it made me feel like dirt. It’s like you’re giving your power away, it just makes you feel so much worse. Anytime I feel like reaching out to him now I make myself remember how sending the letters made me feel, how being ignored made me feel. And worst of all how it reminded him that I was thinking of him, which handed him the power to ignore me. Never again. Rip it up, burn it, but don’t send it!

      • lifelessons

        I can’t believe how much I relate to most of these comments here. I’ve been single since I was born abd never been involved with a man until my married man. I’m 24, and he is more than 10 years older than me. He has been married for more than ten years. I’ve been involved with him for a little less than a year. The first few months were wonderful, even though I sometimes had to deal with the crushing guilt of betraying his wife. He was always so caring, assuring me, comforting me when I had doubts about us, and successfully convincing me to stay with him when I wanted to end it. These were the months of I agreed to rendezvous with him, and we shared extremely intimate moments, but I would never permit him to penetrate me. He showered me with attention, told me he loved me everyday, told me I was special and he had never let anyone in like he did me. He said the sweetest things, made me truly feel like I mattered. Over the months, he started becoming distant. I asked him about it and he said that it’s because he gets very occupied as his line of work can be very demanding at times. I know this much is true. Because of this I let it slide. He told me he could never intentionally neglect me. Fast forward to the day I finally gave him my virginity. As soon as he was done with me, he wanted to leave. He had put me under the impression that we would spend time together that day, but he was only interested in sex. I cried in front of him because I felt so used. He seemed surprised. Anyway, he told me that it was never his intention to make me feel used and that he honestly had to leave as there were matters he had to attend to. From that day, though, things started to take a downfall. Less calls. Less texts. We never met again to this day. He actually goes so far as to ignore my texts. I asked him about it about two weeks ago. He said he was just too busy. I once asked him where I stand with him and he said that nothing has changed. That he values my companionship and that I still occupy the same space in his heart. Last week, I texted him and he ignored me. The whole week passed and I thought screw this, I’m done with him. But I gave in yesterday. His responses were so curt, so brief. Like he was irritated by my texts. I was stunned. He has changed so much. I have cried so much over the past weeks . It feels like death how this man is hurting me. He lured me in and now he is discarding me like worthless trash. So after his curt responses, I sent him a long text finally telling him how he constantly breaks my heart with his behaviour and basically just ending it. This was last night. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It hurts not only in my chest, but my entire body. It hurts even more because he didn’t even bother to respond. I just want to die. I’m at work now but i’m hardly coping. How could he do this to me after he repeatedly promised he would never hurt me? What do I do? How do I get through this?

      • Forget-me-not

        Ah, we are just too selfless and men are too self-centered. That does not mean they do not suffer. Men are just overall much better at detaching themselves from what stresses them or what has no benefit to them. They can shut it out for self-preservation. We carry everything with us all the time. Take good care and love yourself Heartbreak. It is after all the greatest love of all. We need to listen to our soul and body and be kind to ourselves. Getting hurt and giving love to someone who makes us miserable is not being kind and is definitely pain inflicting. We deserve better because we are good hearted and loving.

      • Sim

        Hey Heartbreak, don’t be so harsh on yourself. I was there too, I was too hurt, and I was in so much pain and I wanted to reach out to him to let him know how devastated I was,to let him know how much I missed him. There was time I felt like I couldn’t hold on anymore, I broke down completely. No matter how hard I tried, I felt dead inside. We had this shared blog, and I wrote him so many times, I sent him offline messages. He read and replied and said he was in pain and how much he missed me too, but then I realized it doesn’t mean anything. Those are just words. When I cried every night, he was not there, when I was sad, he was not there. And he never reached out to me first, why should I? He’s happy with his wife, and I still chase after him, how come?
        Listen to me, you could do whatever you want – write him, call him, text him, chase after him – do it if you feel like it. But then you will realize it won’t change a thing, and you will gradually adjust your behavior when you think of the result. It’s completely fine to act that way. I still sometimes write to that shared blog, only now I write the entry then delete it so that i can let it out but it never reaches him. I’ve stayed out of contact for a full 2 weeks and I start to feel like I can do it because I’m doing it. Sometimes you just need to live through the pains, close your eyes, cry, hold on to something/anything, let the time slowly slip away until someday you start to realize all you have to do is..do it, walk away because that’s the only choice you have. I’m still in that process. And I hope you are with me too. Hugs!

      • Rhea

        Heartbreak,
        Your point about self-loathing makes sense. That’s why I will not reach out to him. I hate myself for going back to him after he had broken up with me. I pursued this man. I used my energy to concoct a plan to reel him back in!!!! I sent him an email weeks after the first breakup apologizing for offending him. What the hell??? But this time, I will show him and show myself who I am!!! I have been dumped before – by my first love. And I picked myself up and moved on and became successful and after 20 years that first love came back to tell me he really loved me and wonders about a life with me. I will utilize that same strategize now. Pick myself up and don’t look back. If this ones comes back years from now – I doubt he will ever contact me again – I want to smile in his face and walk away with my dignity in tact.

    • Trying to move on

      Congrats on 5 months. I assume that means no contact whatsoever. I’ve implemented that starting today. He sent me roses and chocolates for valentines but I didn’t see him nor could we do dinner or spend the night together. We spent a few measly hours last Thurs and then Fri he completely ignored me. I thought it was so disrespectful and thoughtless to be intimate and not say a word the next day. I’ve had it and even though I feel like complete $hit about myself I wrote a list of all the negatives of this half a$$ crappy relationship. Write down all the times you felt sad and let down by him. I also dealt with the drama and mental torture. It’s hell on earth. I’m glad I found this site although I don’t wish this on anyone. Worst experience of my life. I’ve been drinking heavily to escape while he gets the comfort and security of family. All I have to tell myself is that if things were so great at home they wouldn’t have sought an emotional and physical affair with someone else. Don’t be fooled ladies. Their home life isn’t so hunky dory.

  • Forget-me-not

    So it’s Valentine’s Day and it really is just another day but it is ironic that today of all days I feel like the ground just crumbled under my feet. It’s been three months since I told my MM of almost 5 years out of which he lived with me for over 2, that it’s enough, he cannot be going back to visit his kids, stay under the same roof as his wife and pretend that I don’t exist, sneak out to call me and play family. He had promised me for so long that he will do the right thing. And since that day, when I had enough, it’s just been one long nightmare. He ended up staying there instead of coming back home and said that he will clean up his mess so that we can be together but his kids need him. He was supposed to come over so many times so that we can talk and he could tell me his plans and what’s going on but each time, he delays and delays and ends up cancelling which kills me. He must have done that at least 8 times in those 3 months. The disappointment of him not coming, of not feeling the same need and urge to be by my side and the lack of respect toward me is just unbearable. The worst is, he ended up telling his kids and wife about me and how he wants to be with me which was a huge step forward. Last week he even made a short trip for me and my kids to meet one of his sons, which was even a bigger step forward but I only saw him for about an hour and he left without us having a chance to talk properly. Now he is back there since. He told me he will come back this Friday so that we can discuss everything and told me he will book his ticket right away. And for a week I’d ask him every day if he booked it yet and every time he replied – no. Today he said he was waiting for some things to clear up before he came which he never told me. He was definitely the one who said he would come but 10 minutes ago, he told me that I was the one who planned the whole thing and he had never agreed to anything and of course – he is not coming. I was feeling anxious and horrible the whole day today and knew something was up. I have his text on my phone to prove him wrong (of course he erases his) and sent it to him. I told him he is making a big mistake. I thought that we were on the right path but once again I am left feeling so foolish and disillusioned. It feels even more tragic because I had such a high hope of things working out. This relationship that was so special to me has become toxic and paralyzing. I think I am starting a depression and I cannot afford that. I am a single mom and have kids who depend on me. I need to end it and only once/if he does clean up his mess will I consider starting over. Just like all of you, I cannot believe that love like that can become so petty. They really have no shame, no respect and no consideration. I am broken and I know that I will eventually recover but today I feel like I will never see the light at the other side of the tunnel.
    I hope all of you had a much better Valentine’s day than I did. Reading all these testimonies and knowing that I am not alone does help a lot.

    • lifelessons

      I have sleeping pills prescribed by my doctor. I’m seriously considering to end it. I’ll do anything to end this pain. There really is no way to get through this. Unless maybe there’s some kind of drug any of you may know of, something that numbs the pain? Please help. One way or another, all I know is that I cannot continue living like this. His rejection is too great for me to bear.

      • Heartbreak

        Lifelessons. Please stop this. IMMEDIATELY. You will not take pills and you will not end your life. There is a way to get through this, and once you kick this, the sense of self worth and relief is mind blowing. Believe me as someone much older than you. And one who has seen it all. I know how much it hurts, and if I could come to wrap you in a hug I would. Please be strong. Don’t think of the future. Don’t think of tomorrow. Think of getting through today, this present moment. You are so young, you have your life and an amazing man on the other side of this pain. Draw on your friends and even your family if you have to. Your man became distant as soon as he slept with you, it’s horrendous behavior but I guess it’s common enough. You loved him, there is no need to feel shame. We women always give our hearts to these heartless men, and suffer so much. Please get as much support as you can, don’t engage with him. There is NOTHING that he can say which will mean anything, he has shown you who he is. A coward and an asshole. He will not reply, what can he even begin to say in his defense anyway? Please write in when you feel weak. We are all here. All of us are in various stages of recovery. We all understand. We’ve been through what you have, and are living examples of a woman’s innate ability to rise above difficult circumstances. Please hang in there.

      • Forget-me-not

        Lifelessons, do not do it. You were existing fine before he was in your life and you can be fine again. Your life is precious and it is yours. Take it one day and one baby step forward at a time. Try to keep a journal where before you go to bed you write 3 good things that you are grateful for in your life. Do that every night before going to bed. Maybe you are suffering from a depression and anxiety so perhaps you should speak to your doctor. Love love love yourself. Take care of yourself and detach from your married man. We have absolutely no control over others but even if it does not always seem like it, we have control over ourselves. Instead of focusing on him focus on yourself. I know it’s all easier said than done, I suffer greatly too, almost all of us do here, but still I know that this pain will pass. I’m not even out of the woods yet, I have some hope but really, reading every post here opened and is still keeping my eyes opened. There is a world outside of the circle in which your love for your married man is holding you captive and the door is there for all of us to walk out. Hugs to you and hugs to all of you brave ladies. You are not alone.

      • Sim

        lifelessons. I know it is hard, and believe me when I say I’m trying to survive every single day. I’ve been crying myself to sleep and woke up with swollen eyes, asking myself endlessly every time I opened my eyes “why do I still feel this way?”, why hasn’t it gone yet. I’m half dead, I even wished I had a brain trauma so i could forget every memory of him. Everything was grey to me, everything was tasteless and everyday is like a fight. You see, it’s bloody hard, and it hurts like hell, but coping with it and overcoming this is the only option we have now and it’s by far the best one. There are days I just let the time go slowly, I hold on to my pain, cry, and sleep the day away. Until one day, today, I stop crying though I’m still immensely in sadness, and I start getting used to the fact that I don’t have him anymore. When negative thoughts decrease, the positive ones will emerge and you actually feel “perhaps, I can do it”. These ladies in this blog have helped me a lot, we don’t know each other, but every day I come here, read the stories, share the comments, keep writing here and I know I’m heard and I’m not alone. I still try to cope with my pain, day by day, hours by hours, minutes by minutes. Remember this, if you can do it once, you can do it 2nd time, 3rd time, so let’s believe we could overcome this hardship together. You and me and all of us. Write me back if you can.

      • fiona

        Lifelessons I’ve felt this way too – it will pass, just hang on in there with the rest of us. You’ll have good days and bad days, and eventually the good ones are going to come more often…. If these thoughts don’t pass, get yourself back to your doctor asap and tell him.

  • Melissa

    TODAY IS VALENTINES DAY. I was with my married man 2 years and a half. My story is similar to all of yours. Long story short I was about to tell his wife, and he told me that she, and his depression pills, were the only things keeping him alive, and that if I had any of me left in me, to please not tell her. He cried like a coward that he is. I told him I will not be played, and asked why shouldn’t I? Since he’s a veteran at this, why should I NOT be his last? (I’m from the Boogie down Bronx, and boy did it show!). He said I will be his last and that they’ve been having conversations about their platonic relationship, and that she has faith in them, and she understands him…blah blah blah. I told him if I get a whiff that he’s messing around on his wife again, I will be the first to fill her in with all the details. I told him to make sure everything I love for him to do for me to do for her. I feel so stupid. That’s the best word I can really relate to. He hurt me…I really hope that he works it out with her. I feel like if he’s leaving me, he may as well do it for a good reason. I really love this man for a few reasons: he helped me see the value in me, he taught me a lot about people, I learned a lot about myself, I learned about the complexities of life, and he taught me to be a good judge of character. I actually gained a lot. More than what I lost. Although I am hurting I know that this would be my first and last time messing with a man that is in a relationship -married or not. I am also confident in the fact that the day I come across a good man, I will appreciate him. Today is Valentines Day, and I wish with all my heart that everyone that actually has love appreciates it. I also wish the best to those wives…I hope for all of us that we are blessed with strength, and that every single one of you guys gains what I gained from my situation: Love for Yourself. Happy Valentines Day.

    • Rebecca

      I admire you! I actually went out and bought some heels (he would forbid me to wear them” said I wore them for attention. He absolutely drained me of all my confidence.

  • Rebecca

    Here I am again. I started seeing my married man again after swearing off 10 days ago. He set all kind of restrictions and I, of course, agreed. Well, today was my 2nd oldest’s gender reveal. I told my married man that I wanted to be there and he got mad. Once again he told me to just leave him alone. Says that I am not his, that I am “others” He wants me to stay home, doesn’t like me doing anything even if it is with my kids. What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can’t I just stop missing him, seeing him, wanting him???

    • Sim

      Hi rebecca
      I know the feeling and i share with you what you are going through. We still love the person who denies us and no matter how painful and ashamed for us, we still blindly love them, trying to hang on there, clinging to the feelings that they brought us. How pitiful we are, falling for someone who doesn’t even want to return it, let alone fight for us and yearn us. But it becomes this way because we let it happen from the beginning, and we are too weak to let go. Our love is stronger than our own ego and we are willing to sacrifice our pride for the love from that person. I get it well and i know how you feel. I know my MM is currently having a good time with his wife, maybe holding her or kissing her, and he dumped me to protect her and his family, but whenever i think of him (which is all the time), all i know is I love him no matter what. You see, we are all blind. Its very hard to stop ourselves from contacting, 10 days is a long timeframe given this situation. But my strategy is if u want, u go for it,meet him write him, do whatever it pleases you. But at the end of the day, you will realize how ignorant he is, cruel he is, and that’s when you will accept the harsh fact. We all want to try everything we can to keep the person we love. But when you’ve tried all the ways and you keep failing, i guess we will know when its time to give it up. Be strong.

      • Rebecca

        Sim, thank you for being so understanding and nonjudgmental. It is hard, but seeing how there’s so many of us taking it one day at a time is such an amazing help. My MM has been texting me all morning. He’s trying to make me feel guilty, telling me he’s just going to leave me alone because he obviously doesn’t make me happy. That I continue to want to do “dumb stuff”. He means me wanting to attend the gender reveal of my grandson (it’s a boy). He just sucks the life out of me. I end up feeling drained.

      • LittleFrenchie

        Hi Sim

        You say some very truthful things here, we have all been there, sacrificing our pride for love…because we love them so much. I put myself below everything last year, just for a text or a mark of affection from him..I don’t think it is about giving up when you have tried it all, it is just realising there is nothing that will make them leave their wife and family. We are not the problem (I always thought I was not enough and it was a competition with her), but it is just that for us it is real relationships, and for them, it is important until it is too much and they go back to the comfort. There is no issue, there is no way out. Honestly, I have stopped loving him, I have mostly hate for him now, for the way he treated and the way I still feel half dead because of him. I loved the part of him he showed me, but how can I even know it is true ? I will never know if any of it was true, if I ever mattered. I think I am quite smart in general…damn it I was a fool. But I will learn, and the weird thing is that, I still give the middle finger each time I read or see something about the Netherlands (he was Dutch) and I swear hehe, but I also tell myself “see you are strong, you made someone happy today, your boss is happy with you, you are starting to feel pretty again”. Anything is now a battle, but I appreciate when I win over sadness and feeling worthless.. Next week will be a year that I met him, in London at a work event. I know he is going back there, I changed jobs and I won’t go, though I am still wondering if he will think of me when he will be at our company booth, or maybe he will be hitting on a new girl…Whatever, I think I deserve better. We all do, oh yeah we do…

      • Sim

        Hi Litlefrenchie, Rebecca,
        How was your day today? It was Valentine day yet I spent most of the day in the meeting room. I was indeed busy but my problem is, the busier I am, the more I miss that man. I kept refreshing my blog with him, I kept checking the message but of course, as expected nothing was there and nothing was coming. Now I can really tell how little I am to him. The more I realize it, the sadder I become. No tears falling anymore but there’s a great deal of sadness inside me, the feeling that I can’t speak out loud except writing here. It feels like giving up, it feels like I’m pushed against the wall and I don’t have any choice until I have to walk away, desperate and exhausted, torn and drained. The worst part is I’m feeling really lonely. I have no one to think of, no one to miss, no one to call and my thoughts stuck with him. He’s not here, he doesn’t love me, I need to remind myself that spell everyday just to survive another day. Littlefrenchie, honestly I don’t think he will remember what it was like meeting you the first time, because they just move on so fast. As long as they can get away with their wives and come back like nothing every happened, they will just move on and forget everything. After all, what do they lose? Nothing. They break some hearts, so what? they will have a happy family, still play sweet heart with their wives, are still happy dads, they have everything while we lost it all: our pride, our dignity, our love, ourselves. Nothing’s left ever for us. BUt you are right, sometimes I feel likeI’m already at the bottom, how could it be worse? I almost grow ignorant when it’s too hurt and I don’t know what to do. It hasn’t been any easier for me, today I woke up still with a rock on my chest, And I’m still writing to you because I don’t want to give up. I hope it’s not considered spamming here:(

      • Melissa

        Sim,

        Just read your last post to little frenchie. Happy Valentines Day my love!

        Listen to me and listen to me very clear. If you think for ONCE that that man doesn’t think about you you are very mistaken. He thinks about you all the time, trust me. I’m sure he craves the attention and knows he can get it from you. The catch is, if he reaches out to you, he knows that you are demanding more -and he doesn’t want to give you more. Understand he is already committed and that he probably has enough strings attached to hang himself. Sim, darling, do yourself a favor, think positive. It’s the only thing that will carry you through. You have to stop thinking negative. When you think of the good times, think about how special you are and that YOU deserve that treatment ALL the time. This man wasn’t able to give you this attention all the time because he was married, but I am SURE that there is another man for you that does.

        You are BEAUTIFUL, you are WORTHY, you are ADMIRABLE, you are STRONG, you are POWERFUL, you are VALUABLE.

        You need to get your butt looking flyy taking dope, sexy pics, and start “feeling” yourself” (beyonce voice). Go to the gym -it really helps. You get a few perks: release endorphins (which make you feel great), you get to look at hot guys, and you eventually look even more amazing.

        So listen, pretty lady, stop feeling sad. It’s a beautiful day, a short life, and you should’t waste any of the little time you have alive on someone that causes you pain and grief. Wipe your tears, and smile. You are alive, healthy, and SINGLE!!! Go have fun!

      • Rebecca

        Hi Sim, I’m feeling ok. He has not looked for me at all. He’s actually helping me. I’m feeling more and more angry. I want to take my power back! Be strong! I promise, we will get through this! We deserve better, we deserve more! 💕

      • Sim

        Hi Melissa,
        Your words help me a lot today. It’s really a booster!! I have this way of thinking that i call the “cause-effect” which means I don’t believe it untill i see the result. I know im not a person of good faith or a believer and that’s sometimes not a good thing. For example, if someone says they are good at work, i will only believe if i see the results. And i apply thay theory for myself too, and that’s why i rarely feel satisfied with myself. Am I pretty, good? If yes, i should have someone by myside. Since i dont, there must be something wrong with me. Am i worthwhile? If yes, the MM should have been with me instead of his wife, but no, the fact shows different ending. So those kinds of facts/truth really get in my way and that’s why i have all of these negative thoughts. What i believe is not what has happened in the reality and that’s dragged me down. Do you have any advice?
        I do go to the gym, quite regularly in fact. I believe in exercising and i want to have a healthy and good looking body. Sometimes i just wish i could spend 24 hours at the gym so my brains dont wander anymore😂. Love to hear from you. All the best to you.

    • LittleFrenchie

      Rebecca, I know you miss him, but it seems like he is putting you in a prison…You need to live your life, he can’t make you feel bad like this, this is like your mind is being beat up, and this is not ok. You have still life in front of you and you know he has kept you away from lively situation many times. You need to break free, you need to be there for your children, they love you no matter what. I try not to be judgmental of anyone’s situation here, but what he does is not ok, he can’t forbid you to do things… You know you love him, and yes it is hard, but he is keeping you prisoner..Break Free, do it for your kids, they need you and they need their mom alive fully and happy. Keep talking to us ok ?? Don’t let yourself go down. Stay strong we are here. For anyone who may want to speak, I created an email address [email protected], do not hesitate to write there too in a moment that is hard, I will reply asap. Rebecca, love yourself ok ? You are a wonderful human being, make sure you stay strong, one day at a time, one step at a time. Lots of hugs

      • Rebecca

        Wow, thank you for that. I’m just winding down and that’s when I start thinking about him. You are right, I do feel imprisoned. He gets to go to his daughters’ games. He gets to go out to dinner as a family. While I’m expected to stay home. You’ve no idea how extremely helpful this website is to me.

      • Rebecca

        Well, I logged into what used to be the email he used to communicate with me. I was just going to go in and delete everything. I ended up finding a 2nd email account. I clicked on it and found out he’s been talking to someone else since 2015. AND he slept with her on his birthday (January 31st). My stomach is in knots. I should have known better. He’s a liar.

  • LearningFromYouAll

    Hello everyone,

    I came across this website while seeking help how to break free of a mess I found myslef in… Im 27, and I have started to fall for a married man who works in the same company. Him being very charming and a bit older (44)didnt take much effort. 🙂
    From the beginning, I knew I liked him. Like all of you, I found myself in that incredible connection with him, I had a feeling we could talk for hours and share everything. To be honest, I really thought we were just becoming close friends…until Christmas dinner 2016. I caught him several times looking at me, not in a way I would expect to be looked at from a friend. There it all started… I knew he was married with one child. Soon after he started to approach me, not as a friend tough. We work in the same company, but we dont live in the same country – which is probably better!
    We had a chance to spend some time together in January and I found myself to be falling for him, badly. I always thought that once I had a clear idea what I want from my life, such things cannot happen. I was so wrong!! I have never been really sucessful with relationships and all of the sudden receiving all those flattering comments about how much he missed me, wanted to be with me, what I meant to him, and that also he fell in love with me some time ago- I knew I wasnt heading the right direction. That is why I decided to search for some information how to leave and came across this website. I have read every single story. Honestly, I find it unbelievable how much resemblance there is, in every single story. I have been reading it for days and re-evaluated my situation. There are no exceptions, I would definitely end up being hurt – so it was better to dump him immediately rather than wait months, maybe years (as many of you) and get deeply involved with him.
    Let me say, that I admire every single one of you who had to go through this kind of situation, got emotionally drained and used by weak men. It is hard for me to leave him now after two months, I cannot even imagine how it could feel after years of my invested emotions and commitment to a man who doesnt really care about any of that. Please just stay strong, you all can do it!! All of you! 🙂
    It hurts like hell, but be graceful you could do it, doesnt matter after how much time! The outcome is the most important. I am sure you are all going through a nightmare and feel alone and not loved – but hey, let them be with their wives and pitty their lives until their death. For every single one of us there is a new, bright and FREE future, with a man who will love us and for whom we will mean the world!! This is what I am concentrating on now.
    I told my married man when breaking up with him – that I deserve so f***ing much more than he is able to give me. I smiled when I said that. I told him I know my value and I know I deserve more than bits of his time and secret calls. I didnt wish him bad – I told him I hope he is happy in the end and that he should really concentrate on his daughter. I stocked myself up with some ice-cream for Valentines day and got a new lovely jacket! 🙂 I wish I could share my positive attitude with all of you and just make you realize we are all perfect and worth of so so so much more !
    All your stories saved me!
    THANK YOU ALL!!!
    p.s. I am sorry if any mistakes, I am not native English speaker.

    • LittleFrenchie

      I like your post, and congrats for breaking free now. You had the right attitude by leaving like this. I wish I did, but I was in love and stayed and became the contrary of the person I always was : I became weak, dependant, sad and depressed and I was always smiling, happy, making everyone feel great. I am so happy for you you are strong and left now, I wish I did that too so bad, I hope I go back to my normal self and never let anyone treat me like that again. Your English is perfect 🙂 hugs to you

  • Heartbreak

    Hello. I have been reading all your stories for a few days. On one hand it makes me feel less alone in loving a married man, on the other hand the pain that all your words are drenched in is so heart wrenching. I never realised that having an affair with a married man can be such a similar experience, whatever the circumstances and whoever may be involved. The absolute turn about that a married man can affect, focussing totally on his family and leaving you wondering whether you ever even existed, is staggering. It’s unbelievable the way they can just stop engaging out of the blue, it would be almost laughable if it wasn’t so distressing. And make you end up feeling sub human and less than, to be treated like this. Anyway it’s been three months for me, I haven’t healed yet because it’s been a nine year relationship, but I feel so much better. The constant rumination and obsessive thoughts have lessened. I still miss him like crazy, but the desire to act out on this missing is something I’ve gained control over. I don’t call or message or try to see him anymore. And I just want you ladies to know that if someone like me can do it, I was madly obsessed and almost crazy at one point, then so can you. Any of you. All of you. Please don’t beat yourself up if you have a bad day. The goal is not to be over it as soon as possible. These things take time. The goal is to have more good days than bad ones, and gradually the good days overweigh the bad. If we just stop trying to put a time frame on it and getting impatient and just be, it will gradually fade away. The two things that have helped me tremendously is journaling and therapy. I sit with my feelings and write and write whatever comes to mind without lifting my pen from the paper, till my hand starts cramping. Then I read it once and tear it up. It helps me to get rid of all the heaviness inside me. And again, I am not promoting this but I found an online counselling site called Talkspace that matches you up with a therapist, and I found a lovely one who is so sympathetic and supportive and understanding. I keep writing to her and she helps me work through my anguish.
    One thing that really spoke to me was when Sim said “You know what’s funny? That is as much as I want to forget everything and this pain to be gone, I’m also at the same time afraid that things to fade away. I know that’s when I will no longer love him, which means nothing will matter anymore, and all the feelings, and all the love I have for him will also be gone.” So even through you are desperate to get through the pain and come out the other side, what it will mean is that what mattered so much and was such a large part of your life, will be no more. All that love, all that passion, all the energy, will turn to nothing …………..That feels so sad to me too……

    • Sim

      Hi heartbreak
      I am having some negative and sad thoughts right now when suddenly i read your comment. Thanks for reading my posts and share your thoughts. Im alone in a business trip and i am about to give in and write to him telling him how much i miss him when your comment came. The more I thought about this, the more stuck i feel. I want to think that he still loves me and because of that he decided to leave me to set me free. But that thought makes me sad because we can’t be together although we love each other. On the other hand, if i think he doesn’t love me anymore and he totally forgets me to come back to his wife, it equally hurts because i feel abandoned and left. Either way, i’m the loser. I lost everything and he has everything, he has his wife back, his kid, his family, everything is just as good as new while I’m all broken. Now even when i see any happy young family, the hatred comes my way because i think his would be the same, i can see that smile, that happiness, that picture they post on facebook, i can imagine them all which drives me nuts. I can foresee how happy he and his wife are while i’m counting the day to survive. And i keep asking why

      • fiona

        You’re not alone in feeling this way. I wrote several letters, practically begging for closure, and he didn’t answer. It feels like I gave my power away, and sent me into turmoil each time, I wish I hadn’t sent them.
        Same with holding on to things, i haven’t been able to delete photos of us – I’ve got as far as getting them off my phone onto a flash drive. Hopefully I’ll throw it away one day. One thing that really hurts is that I have to be the one getting rid of all the mementos of us, he never had any of them of course. He only has whatever he still remembers, everywhere I turn in my house I see reminders.

      • fiona

        Well I saw my ex today, he was walking with some people and he just looked right through me. 10 years of friendship, 3 years as lovers, supporting him through his father’s death, through his own illnesses, and this is the result. I’m so so angry, not that he dumped me, but that he did it without telling me, without giving me any way to express myself. What kind of person can just blank someone out of their life – especially when they know that person is left waiting for them to appear at any moment. I’ve been such a fool, he kept me strung along as a back up, making sure he had somewhere to go if she wouldn’t have him back. The morning of the day he decided to end it for himself, he had been telling me he loved me, it wasn’t an affair, he would never leave me. Then poof! Gone.

      • LittleFrenchie

        Hi Sim,

        You will manage to think less and less about it, the truth is you will never get answers and never know what is the truth. I do think men manage to just drop one thing to move on to the next more easily than us, but I also think it comes back like a boomerang to the them one day, while we took longer to heal but we will heal in the long term. The non closure is something we all have to live with, I can’t say it goes away, but I think some days are better than others. What I try to focus on when I think about it, is not the happy moments, but the lies, to me and to her, the non caring when I was hurt but she couldnt be hurt “she was so fragile”. Today I realise, it was just easy and he kept me around when he could, and when it became difficult it was easier to close the door on me. I know everyday is a struggle and your are in the worse part, but again, even though your feelings and your heart are raw of the pain, you are less desillusional about this relationship, and that is a massive step. You said yourself that you know even if you write him and he writes back, it won’t change anything, and doing that just make the all situation last longer, it won’t close. The horrible thing is that we have to close it ourselves, or we will stay in that limbo state in between lies when we hold onto a “I miss you”(He must love me etc…) and the reality, when we are alone. You need to give yourself a new routine, since he was your routine. I was resentful at happy families too, or I look at every married guy like a cheater, I am thinking “he is cheating for sure”. I started becoming a person I never was, and the truth is I think I changed a lot and I am not sure I will come back to my loving self..the me that cares about people, that is sweet and nice and funny. Like if he killed a big part of me and I stay depressed no matter what I do. He is happy with his family and he doesnt care about how I may be feeling, hasn’t talked to me in 4 months, but I know I only can save myself, he never will. I need to forgive myself because I was such an idiot to love a man like him, but I believe time makes things work. Try to enjoy Malaysia, I was in KL 2 weeks ago, funny 😉 I don’t know where you come from by the way. You need to see yourself like the strong woman you are, you have a nice job, people listen to you, try to see who you are for others. I know it is hard, often we only feel we are someone in their eyes, and we forget the rest of the world. But they are so many people around, he is just one out of so many you can meet, work, friendships, support.. I hope today is a better day. Talk soon. Ali.

    • Brown Girl

      Thank you so much Heartbreak. It’s been a month since I’ve had no contact with my MM and I have days when I’m absolutely fine, and I feel light and free and engaged with the old me that used to be care free. But days like yesterday and today when all I want to do is cry because I miss him and there are things I want to tell him. Thank you for your words, I was beating myself up about feeling this way again, telling myself that it’s been a month how can you still be crying. But your msg struck a chord with me and I will try and be kinder to myself. Social media has made it so much harder to move on, we are constantly flooded with images of their lives post the breakup and that in itself brings about unneeded waves of emotions. Lots of gratitude to you for writing so beautifully. I wish you well for the rest of your healing journey.

    • LittleFrenchie

      Hi Heartbreak,

      I loved the part about the time. Yes it takes time and you can’t put a timeframe. I must say I wish I could go to bed and wake up a few years from now being all happy..but hey we have to go through the pain to be stronger. I think the journaling is great, I will try. I have weeks when I am so busy I barely think about him, and weeks like last, when I am just obsessed, I can’t sleep and feel like a piece of crap he just threw away like that in a blink of an eye to go back to his family. It has been 4 months for me, and I just slowly get my life and self back, but some days and happy and others not, it is exactly that. It is scary how all our stories are the same…I have read so many posts here, and the foundations, evolution (of the story and us becoming ghosts of ourselves) and the end, when we end up being like we never existed, this is so cringing. It is like they all follow the same manual..and I am sure all of us before we met them, we were happy human beings with life in front of us being enthusiastic about many things..and now every day is a new difficult step. I never saw that but ouch, I wish I could hug all of you! At least we have each other, and we help each other. When we are low, we know someone will understand the pain…

      • Sim

        Hi Littlefrenchie,
        You are right saying that he was my routine. Although we never got a chance to be around each other a lot, i texted him and told him everything in my life, which makes it so hard to just let go. I was staying in a big hotel room all by myself, and i recalled writing him telling him how it was from the last similar business trips. When i was busy in the meetings, I remember he calling me on my cellphone to check on me. Everything’s just gone. I was so so sad,and lonely and i miss him badly. Every day is a fight to keep my mind from going crazy. Tonight i missed him so much i decided to write a blog to him but when i finished it, i deleted it. At least it allowed me to let it out in a weak moment, and still can still keep the track. Im counting the day and i know ive made it another day. That’s all i know. I hope to hear from you, it’s the only consolation i need now. Hugs

    • Rhea

      Heartbreak,
      One day I was having a good day and at some point, it seemed like I didn’t want to not think of him constantly. I was afraid that if I was feeling better, then he was as well. How crazy is that??? Sometimes I think that I should admit myself to a mental institution.

      • Sim

        Rhea, i feel you and i know what you mean here. Its exactly my thoughts and that put me in confusion. On one hand, i want to let go, to forget my married man, to just sweep away all the memories, but on the other hand, im also afraid to let it go. Im afraid the moment i am able to let go is also when he is too, and nothing is left for us, and everythjng will be forgotten. Im hanging on to something unreal and toxic. Im not ready to let go although theres nothing left for me. How sad

      • Heartbreak

        Hey Rhea and Sim, I do get you! And I can really relate to the thought process that if you feel better, then so much he be. That’s not crazy thinking requiring a mental institution, that’s a pretty valid concern. But it’s not like their thinking is tied to ours. He had already let go of you in his mind before he broke up with you. That’s the reason they can move on with staggering indifference while you are still reeling and unable to catch your breath. For me, that vacuum of there being no “us” has already come to pass. I can’t believe that this is the man who used to put his nose close to mine so that he could breath the same air that I was breathing. Who knew that the moment I had a Pepsi with ice, I will start shivering from cold and had a blanket on the ready to cover me. Nothing remains, it’s true. But somehow over time it stops mattering. It takes a lot of time and effort, but it does. You just have to lose the resistance to the fact that there is no tie between you whatsoever anymore. The void will fill itself. That’s the nature of life.

      • Sim

        Hi Heartbreak
        Its true that when there’s nothing to hold on to, everything will be faded away and covered by time. It’s the only way to heal but its also the saddest part of all. What used to be so beautiful, so passionate, so wild becomes obsolete and forgotten. You are right, when time comes, nothing will matter anymore. You will soon become immune to every related things to him just because someday they would become irrelevant to your life. Ive been there, this is not my first break up. This is first with a married man but i also had to overcome many breakups before, and when i look back, they have all gone into the past. Nothing matters now, not the pain, the tears i once cried, not the happiness i once had, nothing. Im neither happy nor sad of what i have been through, it is what it is. Life goes on whether we like it or not. I dont like what i had to suffer, but i dont have a choice, and then im still living my life. But im still sad, im sad because i will never get to be with my soulmate- my married man, the one who my heart skips a beat for. We are living in the same life, the same time, the same city, we are in love but we will never be together. And now im supposed to be happy about that..? Ive worn out and let the sadness go in, i accept the fact that im abandoned by my married man and i just live another day. Its extremely hard and i dont even know what awaits me ahead. People say soon i will find happiness, i think i can never be whole without him

  • Forget-me-not

    If I may suggest two books of which I am by no means any kind of promoter but I am putting it out here because they helped me quite a lot. It is The Power of Now from Ekhart Tolle and The Lanuage of Letting Go as well as Co-Dependent No More from Melody Beattie. Basically they teach you how to detach, take care of yourself, stop being dependent on others, how to turn off your sabotaging thoughts and how to retrieve into the deeper part of yourself where there is peace. I know it may not work a 100% when the pain goes so deep and when it feels like it will never stop hurting but it might just make the journey to recovery a little bit easier.

  • Cathy

    Friends, please help me…feeling weak tonight..I was strong after reading all of your stories and kept reading them each night to stay that way…it’s been over a week away from him and I just unblocked him. I feel like I’m caving and don’t want too 🙁

    • Forget-me-not

      The rollercoaster of emotions and going from strong to weak is the most difficult. The more I read the comments the more I am shocked at how similar the bases of all affairs seem to be. It is very bizarre how these men can compartmentalize, have no problem going from one to the other and even if they say they are suffering in their relationship, it is their choice that they stay there. The love is real in most cases, I am sure, otherwise they would not keep coming back for more. Your weakness will pass and you will feel better. Go for a walk or do something you enjoy and know that you will survive because we are all survivors here.

    • Sim

      Hey Cathy, be strong. We are here. It’s been over a month since my married man decided to cut contacts with me. Since then, we sometimes messaged and he called once but they no longer meant anything. It’s just words and he’s not here with me anymore no matter how much he said he missed me and how badly he wanted to be with me. It just doesn’t mean anything at all because he doesn’t want to do anything to make it real. I’ve been crying everyday since the day we parted and I still do, and I haven’t been able to totally cut all contacts yet. But as soon as I know the communication does no difference now to the situation, I grow ignorant to the text or the calls, because at the end of the day, those things won’t change the result, the situation. You will just endure it day by day, the pain, just like I am now. But at least, we’re together, right? They said tomorrow is another day. It is. Be strong.

      • Miku

        Rebecca i have the same feeling like yours.. i have been married for 16 years and i met this guy at work who was also married for i think 3 years back then with one child. We instantly connected and been together for 3 years now. He went to middle east on our 1st and 2nd year although we are apart we use all sorts of social networking sights to talk until eventually he came back. After 3 or so months his wife left for Texas and so it was like we were free to see each other again. But in the relationship every time we see each other. I get to pay for the food, our room, his gas, and even end up giving him money. After a year and half when his wife left bad news came on feb 6 he said he was petitioned to follow so we did say goodbyes and to him it wasnt goodbye. He told me he would find a way to call me which he did. But lasted 10mins. Facetime audio. He was even shocked when i said that its not your apple id it is a number on my screen. Then he said right there and then i should go.. and i will call you once its safe again.. and i hate the feeling of checking out his facebook from time to time.. i always thought that what if we are with the wrong person and that we were both meant for each other. Or maybe it is just a feeling i have for him. Any thoughts about this please share.. thanks a lot!

    • Littlefrenchie

      Hi Cathy, keep reading here, get busy, talk to friends. Don’t stay alone with your thoughts, they are the worse. After 4 months, this week has been one of the worse because my thoughts about him have been eating me up.. I try to keep busy when this happens or I try to think of if I meet him one day how great I will be and what a piece of crap loser he will have become.. we all have our ways. We are here, you are not alone, and we are a community.. and yes we have survivors, that’s the right term.. but we will make it through. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, it may not happen overnight but yes we will become stronger women and we will never be treated this way EVER AGAIn. Never forget you are alive, your mind is stronger than you may think ( I know how the brain wash of us becoming puppets makes us feel like we can’t be strong on any level) but we can, every day that passes is a day you survived the pain. Stay strong, surround your self with good people and don’t give up and don’t go back, I have gone back so many times, and then you have to start all over again. You started your healing, you saved your self, don’t go back. We are all here. And gosh how bad do I think all of us should get together for a week, let it all out of the rage, pain, disappointment and then look forward to life. A healing sharing friendship retreat:-). He may not be there no more, but you gained dozen of friends of are really there when you need, despite the time differences. Stay strong, you are not alone.

  • fiona

    Hi, I originally wrote here in the section about a relationship that ended without closure. But it was with a married man which means there isn’t a person in my life that I’ve been able to talk it through with, and I’m still going through absolute hell. Where I live is small, and I see either him or his wife often. Today I bumped into someone who told me some information innocently which has sent me back into utter devastation.
    You see I still can’t believe the way he cut me off – we were best friends for 10 years, lovers for 3 years. He pursued me, and I wouldn’t go further for such a long time. Even then I was trying to be detached, knowing that this would be just sex, and he was the one that started saying I love you, that turned into I adore you, and he was the one talking about our future together. So I got suckered in and started to believe him, and I still do…. I believe he loved me. He told his wife about us a year ago, she went to bits. He wanted to ‘help her through it’, so he stayed with her, whilst still seeing me. She found out again, he nearly moved in with me, but he has an art school attached to their house and he stayed there to work. This went on for the whole year, one minute he was packing to move in with me, next minute he wasn’t coming. He even came to my house with her to break up with me in front of her, he showed her where I live! Then came straight back on his own to tell me that it was just an act so he could buy some time to arrange his studio. He would fight with her and come over to me – she would follow. She walked into my house one night to scream at us. All the time he was telling me that it was only about his studio and his business, that he didn’t love her anymore, that he wasn’t leading me up the garden path, that this wasn’t an affair, that it was a dream come true, that it had never been like this with anyone before. I told my teenage son that he was moving in, I told my parents. Then it all came to a head, I emailed her some information, he came over and held me, and said we need to be strong now for what’s ahead – and went back home saying he would need a few days to sort everything out. I waited, I expected to hear his car at any minute (he used to arrive upset in the middle of the night). Nothing. His wife blocked me from his phone, blocked me from his emails (he doesn’t know how). I’ve written to him, and he didn’t answer. Months later I left some of his stuff in his driveway along with a letter, where amongst other things I asked ‘what kind of person doesn’t even give back someone’s key’. A few days letter I got a registered delivery of an envelope containing just my key. Not one word. All he had to say was goodbye it’s over – but I’m not even worth that. Seems like he’s loved up with his wife again now. I can’t move house, I can’t avoid seeing them occasionally, and it is destroying me completely. I can’t see a way through this.

  • Sim

    Hi,
    I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for nearly 2 years and I’m devastated right now. I’m 30, single and we knew each other from work when he entered the company 2 years ago. He was engaged at that time but not married yet, we both knew it’s not gonna work but the emotion between us was too strong we couldn’t hold back. What had to come came, and we fell deeply in love, we talked everyday about everything and felt so connected and we both know we are each other’s soul mates. Then he got married and I was so upset but he still loved me a lot and tried to maintain the relationship and we loved each other even more. Then his wife found out and the company found out our relationship (I was his boss), he was forced to leave the company, which was extremely hard for both of us because we couldn’t meet each other daily. After that, we still tried to make it work, meeting each other once a week, phone call and texting and blogging everyday to feel each other near. Until recently, his wife got pregnant – their first child which I believe made him super happy but he was sad telling me the news. He knew I was sad so he was trying his best to make up for me.
    We thought everything could work until his wife found out about us the second time, and this time he decided to say goodbye to me and terminate the relationship, saying he couldn’t do it anymore for my own good, but I know mostly because he doesn’t want to upset his wife anymore. I’m hung and I feel like I’m killed alive. I saw a picture of him kissing his wife’s belly on Facebook and I almost died over a heart attack. I feel devastated right now, being left, abandoned while they are coming back together, so happy. Why could it happen when just 1 week ago, he still said he loved me and missed me? I don’t understand if the last 2 years mean anything to him? And he just left so easily and came back to his wife like nothing ever happened? I need help because I’ve been crying and I don’t know where and whom to reach out for help. I miss him and I need him, and I feel hurt inside out.

    • LittleFrenchie

      Hi Sim,

      I am very sorry to hear that, difficult situation, and we have all been there one way or another. All I can say is he was engaged, could have NOT got married to be with you and yet he did not. In a way I think you are getting a blessing from destiny. What if his wife would have not discovered that a second time ? Would you have stayed the other woman for the rest of your life, not having any real life of your own, while he would have ? I know this is difficult and after 8 month in a similar situation I decided to take my life back. The person who I thought was my soulmate never contacted me anymore and disappeared. I am sorry for you and I know now is the worst time of your life. But you will managed, you can’t believe it now but you will. I am 29, divorcing my husband, and the so called love of my life is gone. Well if he really was, he would be with me now, not with his family I suppose. Yes you will feel like saying goodbye to your best friend, your lover and everything he is for you. But trust me like the other women here, people who love us for real, would never put us in such a situation, never in a million years. That is not love, that is selfishness making sure they get the best of both worlds. You are young, you have life in front of you and you deserve a real relationship with someone who will be there 100% of the time, not just giving you crumbs from his life.You will never be able to know what is in his head, focus on yourself. I have never heard from someone who swear I was his soulmate, though I am like dead to him I guess and he must be playing happy husband with his wife, while I still have some hard days and feel empty. I am though much better than those months when I was waiting for a text, getting panic attacks imagining him with her etc. Those moments I truly don’t miss and I am so proud of myself for giving myself my freedom back. Those men will never be happy nor free, and on their death bed they will face the regret of their life, but you won’t have to do that. The next few days and weeks will be horrible…it has been for all of us. Crying, feeling you could just die, that you are alone and can’t breathe. It will get better, I promise it will. You can check my first posts and now, I am much better really, time heals, you need to give it time, speak with friends, share on this forum, take time for you and rediscover who you really are. And you have life in front of you, never forget that. And it will make you so much stronger. A friend told me, I changed a lot, became more cold and distant towards love in general. I still believe in it, I just want to love myself only for now. One day life will come back at me with someone new. Everyone is different and we all heal from this differently. Find your own way but know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are so many living the same pain. You will be ok, one day at a time, just one day after another.

      • LittleFrenchie

        And don’t hesitate to speak to all of us here, I have made two great friends on this forum who I am texting with regularly and we all live in different countries. Time zones don’t matter, we can all help each other, don’t hesitate to reach out ok ?? Lots of hugs.

      • Sim

        HI LittleFrenchie,
        I must say that this morning, when I woke up with a heavy head, your message has helped me a lot and given me a little bit more hope. It’s been over one month, ,and I haven’t made any progress at all. I’m falling in a deep black hole and I keep falling. I keep imagining of him being happy with his pregnant wife, expecting their baby girl, and taking care of her, being sweet to her the way he used to be sweet to me. I’m torn. We set up a secret blog to exchange comments and entries, but now he doesn’t go there anymore, but yesterday I couldn’t help it, I’ve sent a comment to that blog, saying that I’m hurt because I saw the picture of him kissing his wife’s belly and how could he walk away so easily and effortlessly after everything we had together. He hasn’t replied and he probably won’t but I felt the need to express it. We usually told each other how we felt, and one week ago, he wrote to me saying he missed me a lot and he loved me no matter what. I know he’s suffering too but when I saw the photos of him and his wife, I just want to die. I want the pain to go away quickly but it doesn’t. And I don’t know how long it takes, my head feels dizzy all the time and everything looks grey around me. I know I sound terrible but that’s the truth. On one side, I hate him, but on the other side, he’s the one I love, how can I hate him? I don’t know what to think that could make me feel better. Thank you for listening.

      • Sim

        It’s torturing me when I think of him being happy with his wife and expecting the baby, starting a whole new life like every happy newly weds. I hate it. I hate him being happy when i’m in all agony. All i can think of in my head is how happy he is without me and how miserable i am without him and i can’t stop asking why

    • LittleFrenchie

      Hi Sim,

      I know it is going to hurt for long, but it will be better. You really need to surround yourself with people who love you, you need to talk about it. I ended up telling my mom about it, my brother, friends and even colleagues who know him. Yesterday I had drinks with ex colleagues who were talking about him (he is like dead to me), hearing from him was like a knife in the chest..but they were saying he is acting like an ass..At least I know he is not who I thought he was. I can’t say whether he loves you or not, how he loves you I can’t say anything for him. I know you hurt bad, and that type of love is so intense your brain stops working..don’t imagine them, stop doing it (I used to do the same…so many times), you need to get busy, all the time, just keep yourself busy so your mind is busy, then you are tired go to bed sleep and it is the next day. I swear I was in a phase when I would stay at work until 9pm go home shower eat and go straight to bed to not have to think. I wanted to die too, it is bad but I told my family, I took pills for depression. He left me like a dead version of me while I used to be so lively and happy. He drained all the energy and love I had for life and left me for dead. But you and you only can take your life back. You and I have more or less the same age, we have so many years to be happy. This year is a year to construct ourselves, to become who we really are, to appreciate who we are in our own eyes. I know it is hard I know you can only see the bad things. Cry out, let it all out, but please talk, talk to people, and make sure you have people who are there for you. Honestly, I did not really have a support system, so I hope you can do better than me, but I went to London many times to see the only real friend I had, and I decided to make new memories (I went with him in so many capital of europe, I was scared of going back, but I decided to make new memories in those places to make sure I would not be scared of living again). Try to make new memories with people, accept that drink at work with colleague, register to the gym and go do yoga classes, plan your next trip. That is how I am living now, one day at the time, one project at the time, but it is slowly working. If you want to speak more, maybe we can exchange email addresses, I can be your virtual friend. I met 2 wonderful women on that website, and yesterday I really had a down moment, texted one of them who answered right away. You need that support system, and even though it is hard you will need to cut off all contacts, block his phone number to ensure you don’t check his last whatsapp connected thing..It hurts but it is the best thing to do. The next pages of your life are white, you can make anything happen and you will. What is happening now is horrible yes, but it will set the layers of your new life and you will be so much stronger. You are not alone, we are so many, left the same way, like if all we lived never happened and never happened…but the best thing you can do, is live for yourself and not let yourself be his puppet even when he doesnt want you in his life anymore. No matter what you both lived, he made a choice and it was not you. It hurts like hell, but there are people who will love us, in a real way. Not on and off, love and respect for our lives. No one should ever go through what we have lived and we need to love ourselves and free ourselves from those fake love prison cells.
      I am here if you need, don’t hesitate, and over the weekend as well ok ?? Lots of hugs

      • Rebecca

        “I used to be so lively and happy. He drained all the energy and love I had for life.” Oh my goodness! This is EXACTLY how I feel! Thank you so much for reminding me that I’m not alone. That I am strong enough to do get this!

    • LittleFrenchie

      You need to stop thinking about it you really do. You will NEVER get answers and understand. He moved on it’s hard and you need to live the pain to heal but you can’t let it bring you down. He won’t come save you from your despair. Mine did not neither and left me like I never existed. All I wish is to be a better me than I never was and if one day I cross him I will be awesome and he still will be in his shit life. I wish bad I would send pictures of us to his wife. But I think the way he treated me after all I endured for him.. just shows complete lack of respect. I thought it was love, it was not or he wouldn’t have left me like I was pure garbage going back to playing happy loving family. That’s all lies, what they live with us and what they live with them. Look at us all, all of us in the same pain, they rarely chose the other woman. Do t forget men are there when it’s easy when it start being hard and requiring real proof of love they leave us alone, because ” you are so strong, you are the stronger woman I have ever met it’s incredible” bullshit, they just want to take the guilt away and feel like we can endure anything that the wife can’t. Most men are coward and will never change the all house-wife-kids-job-community-friends world for love. And as bad at this sound, when they will need love again, they will find another girl and do the same again. They will never leave the wife and the life, but will live selfishparallel lives until they die, and hurt more than one girl. That’s a pattern and I even have male friends who do that.. not all guys do that,some do leave and some are happy in their life and will never look at any one else. This shit thing happened on our life and we can’t change the past. We can change our relationship to those events be smart about it and work on the present to prepare the future. Stay strong one day at the time. You are worth a happy life. He may be your love now but when you will love yourself again you will find someone who will love you and never make you be like priority#10. Then you will know what love is. Never forget that life is only made by our decisions. You need to make the decisions to move on andknow you won’t get closure. It’s hard. Yesterday was a horrible day for me. But I woke feeling I am free and he is not. I can be the strong woman I always wanted to be and I will never let anyone treat me as badly as he did. NEVER AGAIN. Please love yourself, go take a shower go for a walk talk to people, play with your pet. Go with people don’t stay alone. I stayed alone too much. Oh yeah, and make yourself pretty, let men look at you. Just to slowly gain the confidence again that life is out there, you just need to smile to it.. you will manage I promise but you have to do one thing everyday to leave that nightmare.

      • Sim

        HI LittleFrenchie,
        I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your very thoughtful reply and sharing. Yesterday was awful to me. In fact, these days I can hardly remember I’m doing with my life, I just know I make it each day in a very agonizing way. I can hardly remember what I do, whom I meet, where I go, all I know is the pain and the tears I cry. Every night I go to bed crying and every morning, I wake up in tears too. I ask myself the same question when I wake up, why do I still feel this way, Why do I still feel the pain, why it hasn’t gone away yet? You know what’s funny? That is as much as I want to forget everything and this pain to be gone, I’m also at the same time afraid that things to fade away. I know that’s when I will no longer love him, which means nothing will matter anymore, and all the feelings, and all the love I have for him will also be gone. I feel regret because the love and what we feel for each other are beautiful. They are truly beautiful. I know it’s ended but deep down, I know what we had during that short time was real and was pure love. So..I’m not ready to let go and that’s what kills me.
        He’s replied by comment in the blog, he basically said he missed me any f**ing day, and that I had no idea what he’s going through and not a second passed by that he didn’t think about me. I feel no longer feel touched by those words, because at the end of the day, those are just..words. He is not here, he chose to be with me. And you’re right, no matter how hurt I am, he’s not here to ease the pain. So yes, what’s the point of saying “I miss you” if you don’t reach out and be with the person you miss? He never denies being happy with his wife and his expected baby and so I know How happy he is now. I know I’m all alone by myself now.
        Everyday is a challenge to me, I wake up with a stone on my chest, feeling suffocated. I’m hurt and I can feel the physical pain. I’ve tried my ways, but when I come home at night, when I’m alone, All I can think of is how pathetic I am, being left, being abandoned while I’ve loved with all my heart.
        I share with you your pains too and I think you are a very strong woman. I look up to you and I hope soon enough, I will be where you are now. I’m sure you will find love again because of the wonderful person that you are. I never know how long it take to get over this thing, I guess I will need to wait and be patient. Hugs to you too.

    • Littlefrenchie

      I know you hurt .. I still do. But he moved on like if anything we had never existed.. so I learnt to deal with it and deal with the fact that he did not care that much and I was not important enough. I think you are moving somehow.. you said you réalise those words are just words.. I understand you don’t want to lose the love. In my case it’s funny I actually wish I never met him I wish I never gave him my time love patience and understanding.. he did not deserve anything. I think I’m angry at myself for having been such an idiot person and still haven’t forgave myself.. i feel like a fool.. like I gave him what he needed and when it became difficult he left me like nothing.. I’m still hurt I’m just trying to realize that there is nothing I can do but take care of myself. But trust me.. i still want to cry and it has been 4 months. And he is all happy apparently from what colleagues are saying.. this makes me feel like a knife in my chest.. i just want to get my life back .i don’t know what to say but I promise you will make progress everyday. The difficulty is that those men are our routine and our life evolve around them. We need to change that and get a new routine. That’s what has helped me. Because I was spending my life waiting for something from him.. crumbs really . Keep writing in this forum and you may need to consider talking to a therapist, it could help structure your emotions and build a plan. I’m babysitting 3 little girls tonight, daughters of a friend, getting busy helps. Get your mind busy.. and tell your self you will be ok in a few years. Right now is the bottom? It can’t go further down.. stay strong one day at the time. We are for you. Hugs!!

      • Sim

        Hi LittleFrenchie,
        Yesterday was a fairly good day for me. I went to a workshop where I was one of the speakers and just talked about how to develop a career path in the communication field which is my job now. And then I hung out with a friend. I actually asked him what he thought of me and he said all nice things about me, which honestly helped to boost my self-esteem a bit. But then yesterday, when I went to bed, I had a dream. I dreamt of him and me being in 2 totally different worlds, it’s like the death – alive, the human being – ghost kind of world, but somehow we managed to talk to each other, and communicated to each other. And in that dream, he tried to send me some kind of…links, and when I clicked on those links, all I could see was how he proposed sweetly to his wife, how they got married, how they are happy together..and I felt like I was killed in that dream, only to wake up in tears. And I again asked myself “what day is it, and why I still feel the same?”. I start to think of myself as one of the movies in which things repeated until I go insane. Normally, he would be the one I wrote all these things to, whom I told everything, even from the tears to the dreams, to how I felt and he would try to console me, ease me. But now I couldn’t do that anymore, but I thankful at least I could still write to you, who still listen and reply me. I know most of the message are repetitive and no progress has been made yet but at least I’m not lonely. I’m at the airport now, going to a meeting in Malaysia for a few days, and sitting next to me is an old French couple who looked really happy together and that got me to sob. I miss him so much, don’t you know? I want to tell him how much i miss him and think of him and how much I want to tell him everything I just told you now. But he is not here, not with me. The image of him and his daughter and his wife takes over my head and all I feel is knife cutting through my heart and I keep bleeding. I believe you when you say things will get better, I know it will get better because this is not the first time I’ve been through such break up. But the pain it causes this time is catastrophic, it’s almost unbearable to me and it’s all eating my brain. Wherever I’m and whatever I do, I always think of him. The more I think of him, the more I miss him, the more It reminds me of his happy little family that he’s protecting and that’s when I collapsed. I’m sorry I go on and on about this. I hope you are having a better day. Hugs.

  • Patty

    If he is cheating on his wife, why would he be honest with you. He’s proven he’s a liar and a cheater. His loyalty isn’t to you. It’s to his family. And of course they still sleep together. I know you may not want to hear this but I suspect you know this deep down anyway. Please move on to a man who deserves you.

  • Marilyn

    I found the strength I needed to end a secret love affair I was having with a married man. That was seven months ago, and I am over him. My problem is I told my husband about the affair and even though I promised him it was over and I’m not cheating, he doesn’t trust me. He says he looks at me and sees ‘lies and secrets’ and that rebuilding trust in a relationship isn’t easy. I love my husband and want to fix our marriage. How do I convince him that he can trust me, and that I’d never have another affair?

    Thank you for sharing your stories about being involved with a married man. It does help to know I’m not alone. I hope you break free from the married men you’re involved with, because those relationships don’t go anywhere. They’re destructive and the negative consequences last longer than you know.

    Marilyn

    • Laurie Post author

      Hi Marilyn,

      Here’s an article about rebuilding relationship trust after an affair –

      Rebuilding Trust in a Relationship After a Secret Love Affair
      http://howloveblossoms.com/rebuilding-trust-in-a-relationship-after-a-secret-love-affair/

      I hope it helps. My friend’s husband had an affair with her best friend, and it took her five years to really trust him again. They’re happily married now and my friend is glad she stayed with him…but it was a long road! Hopefully, you and your husband will rebuild your marriage quickly. May you and he find ways to reunite and reconnect, and find each other again.

  • Cathy

    I just found this site on Friday night and it was like someone threw me a life preserver when I saw it! I cannot believe how many women out there have gone/going through the same thing with married men! I have felt so alone, sad and depressed for three years and this site and the comments made me see a light at the end of the tunnel. It gave me the courage, to write to my mm the next night and tell him we are done, until he is free!

    We have broke up and got back together so many times, I cannot even keep count, but now I see how others are treated and then dumped and I do not want to waste my time anymore. I thought my story was somehow different because of the intense love we have for each other, but now I see it’s the same story as everybody else’s.

    I found this article at a really good time, because he is away with his wife for two weeks and said he can’t talk to me. This makes it easier to make the break. Days before we had fought and I cancelled a plane ticket he had got for me to visit him next month.

    Thank’s to this site, I feel like I can finally move on with my life. Every time I start to feel weak, I read some more comments. I would share my story here too, but it is so crazy and people would think I was so dumb, it would be embarrassing!

    Thank you again for writing this article about breaking up with a married man, and ty to everyone that wrote in and shared their story 🙂

  • InLove&Confused

    Hello everybody! my situation is similar but a little different. See I’m in a loveless sexless marriage and the man I’m in love with is newly married as well. We met 5 years ago I’ve known him for years and never approached him. 5 years ago was different. Seen him at the store started a conversation and we started talking daily after we exchanged numbers. Long story short……he’s had a child, I was forced to abort mine cause he said he didn’t want anymore, he got married, my marriage is still rocky and I’m stuck lonely sad depressed and wanting to be loved. When i call or text he always answers thats never been a problem. My issue is time….theres never enough of it and when there is i get brushed off or lied to but go on social media and find the real reason i was lied to. I’ve fallen so deep for this man that i dont want to be with ANYbody but him. But wrong is wrong and I feel like it needs to stop immediately! Everytime we’ve tried to break up like 10x its always tears, sadness and after about 2-4 days we makeup and pick up where we left off. My heart is breaking at my own expense. Im confused, and in love and not sure how to break it off without getting drawn back in

  • Alia

    Hi there
    Firstly, it’s been really helpful to see all the other comments, and read everyone’s stories. Mine feels slightly different. I’ve been dating a married man for 5 months. We were both working on the same project abroad, living in the same city with a few other colleagues. No family. When we met, despite him being almost twice my age, we just had this amazing connection. It quickly became clear we were going to have an affair — texting all the time, sexual innuendos, going away together… I knew he was married – 30 years – and had a daughter. I was just in the mood to play a bit. He was up for the ride. From the first time we had sex, it was so intimate. He held my hand. We cuddled as we fell asleep.
    We didn’t talk too much about what was going on – he was never one to discuss feelings, but we laid out ground rules. Obviously never tell anyone, and when work is done in a few months, this will be over. I just didn’t expect that we would become so close. He let me host a dinner party at his place. He organised a surprise party for me. He made me breakfast at mine while I was in the shower. He never spoke of his wife, just his family. We never talked about feelings. We both knew this was a temporary moment in time. When I said I was going to miss him, he told me I couldn’t. There was nothing to miss. I knew what this was. True, I said, but doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to miss you! I’m so grateful for the time we got, and that we were able to have our own world where his being married almost didn’t matter. He talked about us dating. He didn’t want everything to be about sex. We sometimes just went to the movies. But I still felt that rejection, was subject to last minute changes of plan, not being able to be honest about him, knowing that I fell behind work, his family and his own needs. So while I wish we had a bit more time, I am also glad there was a natural, forced cut off. But It’s still so hard… from loosing a best friend to not being able to speak openly about how my heart is mending.

  • Rebecca

    I have been involved with a married man for almost 12 years. The beginning was like a whirlwind romance. I got pregnant during our first year together and had a son. He has 3 daughters (one born a 11 months after my son). What began as a little fun, became a relationship. We talked and texted on a daily basis. About 2 years ago she saw the phone bill and called me. She pretended it was a wrong number after I told her my name. She confronted him and we changed to texting and e-mailing each other without skipping a beat. We saw each other extremely frequently. He’d even sneak me into their home while she was out with the oldest. It was exciting being in their bed (at first). Then I started paying attention to all the family photos. I’d end up leaving him feeling sad and empty. He was so amazing at times. Treated me and told me how he’s never been in love before, how he’s never let anyone in. How I was his “wife”. Once in the beginning I asked him a question and I referred to her as “your wife” and he texted me after our phone call and asked that I never call her that again. I fell hard for this man! I dropped everything to run off to meet him. Any plans I had with my family or friends quickly were canceled because he “became available”. And if I couldn’t make it, he’d flip! He’d call me every name in the book. He’d make me feel so guilty for not “putting him first”. “you really don’t love me like I love you” and then he’d threaten to leave “you have others” meaning family, my kids, my friends. Little by little he started pointing out little things that he didn’t like and obediently, I started deleting them. No more wearing dresses because he “couldn’t be with someone who dressed to get looked at” no more visiting my grandma’s house or my 2nd oldest’s home because “he (my ex) might be there. He and his wife got tattoos within days of each other and when I mentioned I was thinking about getting one, he blew up. When I asked why she could and I couldn’t, he replied, “if you want to be treated like her, then act like her” so, no tattoo for me. My makeup and fingernail polish were the next to go. “Only hoes wear red polish” my charm bracelet too, “it drew attention”. I started having to text where I was going, when I got there, send a screenshot of my location, and when I was leaving and where I was heading to next. If I fell asleep before saying good night, I’d get the cold shoulder. If I acted bothered when they went out on family vacations or I’d see pictures of them in together and get upset, he’d ALWAYS turn it around on me and I’d end up apologizing, promising never to complain again. This person has stolen 12 years of my life that I can never get back. Yes, it wasn’t all bad, but yeah, it mostly was. We had yet another fight on Saturday and he told me to leave him alone (I’ve heard that hundreds of times). I did great until today. It was his birthday and I both texted and emailed him. As usual, he told me he didn’t want to hear from me and we went back and forth. I finally just stopped and began searching for advice on how to end this. Honestly, just writing this is a big help. I’ve missed out on so much. I couldn’t go on vacations, couldn’t go to any gatherings or birthday parties because, “I’d look like a single woman”. I couldn’t spend Christmas Eve with my kids because it was a last minute plan and “that annoys him”. I cried myself to sleep that night, only to get accused of “still going and lying about it”. If I had to run to the store, I’d be rushing. I even unknowingly say, “hurry, were running late” to where my little boy would ask “late for what mommy?”. And it was because I’d be stressing, nervous about getting his, “are you still there” text. Once we had talked about and I was given permission to go to the beach with my siblings and their families, me and my kids and our parents. Only to be told, “go out there and flash your tits, have fun, I don’t care” at the last minute. I felt so guilty that my son and I stayed behind. My goodness! What a fool I’ve been! Thank you for allowing me to vent. I am praying to God for strength. I know this was wrong. I’m ready to move forward without restrictions. I’m tired of crying.

  • hardtime

    Maya
    I know how hard it is. If you read down a bit my story is there friends reconnected he made the moves. I alway said if she got pregnant i am out, easier said then done. I never wanted him to leave her we would talk 3 or 4 times a week but only see each other once or twice a month cause of how far he lived away. That was good for me had my life but had some fun on the side. They have been trying along time to have kids even though he said he does not want them . 15 round of IUI and this time it took a surprise to me cause the Sunday he said they did not think it did we had a great time together the Tuesday night and Wednesday night I got the facebook message (thats right a message) that is worked. I flipped unfriended him but then had a huge panic attack so refriend him. I have seen him once since then but as he said “my wall was up” no shit, i said it would be done but he has been trying hard to say friends and I don’t know what else cause i am hearing from him everyday. i have been busy more and more but could not do no contact well today was ulta sound day and all is fine (he was worried it would not take) I have decided I need to be strong I deserve more them last min get togethers. But knowing me cant go cold turkey so I have a plan…a date Feb 28th I am fully done. I have already taken his phone number off my phone so I cant text. For me I need to go slow and steady to keep my sanity but needs to be done we deserve more. I know he will just go find someone else as I am not the first but that is for him and his wife. I am done with the way this makes me feel. I am a good person that fell into a trap and I cant fall into his again.

    • Daniella

      Hey,

      My Story is so similar to yours. I got divorced recently and I knew this guy through my professional network. But he was always my friend. We used to meet for lunch or coffee as I was trying to headhunt him but he was always flirting with me. I went through a rocky divorce and he was ‘there’ as a friend, but I never crossed the line, neither did I let him do that, because he was married. He has been married for 8 years but no children, every time he mentioned about his wife he was sad and always portrayed that there was nothing between them. One day I agreed to go out with him for drinks in the evening as I had finally gotten divorced and that eve after tooo many cocktails we ended up kissing and then having sex. The next day i felt soo guilty and tried to stop it immediately as having an affair with a married man is a mistake and didn’t reply to him or even speak to him for a week, but he was very persuasive and convinced me to give this relationship a shot as there was nothing between him and his wife. He always treated me with so much love and affection and always cared for me. I told him that i will start dating other men and as soon as i find someone we will end it. But every time i was on a date he used to send me a sentimental message or would try to make a “last minute” plan with me so I ended up cancelling the date. Then one fine day he told me that he couldn’t see me with anyone else and wanted to get very serious with me. I never wanted him to leave his wife as she seemed so beautiful and charming but i don’t know how i got sucked into this relationship.
      Now my whole world started revolving around him, I would end up taking time off work just to be with him during the weekdays and surviving on only 2-3 hours of sleep just to ensure we get to spend the maximum amount of time with each other and then one day he mentioned that him and his wife are going for the IVF procedure. I was okay with this at the beginning as ‘it was the right thing to do’ but as soon as the notion sunk in that I won’t be able to meet him or talk to him I was anxious. He is all in for staying friends but every time I speak to him or see him my heart skips a beat. I am trying to stay strong and have asked him not to meet or talk for a couple of months until both of us are over each other and then we can think about staying friends. I know this is a horrible thing that I have done and I feel guilty all the time but right now I’m glad I ended this affair with a married man and I’m just trying to gather courage to stay on this path..but it is extremely hard!!!

  • Mayra

    I broke down and messaged him yesterday morning. Not much a response. Thought he would message when he got home. Nope. Actions speak louder than words. He can say he loves me and he hasn’t felt like this in many years. He can say whatever he wants. But truth is if that were the case he would at least have messaged me last night. I was hoping we could be friends somehow. He’s become my support and I start chemo next week and don’t know how to do this without him.

    • Rebecca

      I have been involved with a married man for almost 12 years. The beginning was like a whirlwind romance. I got pregnant during our first year together and had a son. He has 3 daughters (one born a 11 months after my son). What began as a little fun, became a relationship. We talked and texted on a daily basis. About 2 years ago she saw the phone bill and called me. She pretended it was a wrong number after I told her my name. She confronted him and we changed to texting and e-mailing each other without skipping a beat. We saw each other extremely frequently. He’d even sneak me into their home while she was out with the oldest. It was exciting being in their bed (at first). Then I started paying attention to all the family photos. I’d end up leaving him feeling sad and empty. He was so amazing at times. Treated me and told me how he’s never been in love before, how he’s never let anyone in. How I was his “wife”. Once in the beginning I asked him a question and I referred to her as “your wife” and he texted me after our phone call and asked that I never call her that again. I fell hard for this man! I dropped everything to run off to meet him. Any plans I had with my family or friends quickly were canceled because he “became available”. And if I couldn’t make it, he’d flip! He’d call me every name in the book. He’d make me feel so guilty for not “putting him first”. “you really don’t love me like I love you” and then he’d threaten to leave “you have others” meaning family, my kids, my friends. Little by little he started pointing out little things that he didn’t like and obediently, I started deleting them. No more wearing dresses because he “couldn’t be with someone who dressed to get looked at” no more visiting my grandma’s house or my 2nd oldest’s home because “he (my ex) might be there. He and his wife got tattoos within days of each other and when I mentioned I was thinking about getting one, he blew up. When I asked why she could and I couldn’t, he replied, “if you want to be treated like her, then act like her” so, no tattoo for me. My makeup and fingernail polish were the next to go. “Only hoes wear red polish” my charm bracelet too, “it drew attention”. I started having to text where I was going, when I got there, send a screenshot of my location, and when I was leaving and where I was heading to next. If I fell asleep before saying good night, I’d get the cold shoulder. If I acted bothered when they went out on family vacations or I’d see pictures of them in together and get upset, he’d ALWAYS turn it around on me and I’d end up apologizing, promising never to complain again. This person has stolen 12 years of my life that I can never get back. Yes, it wasn’t all bad, but yeah, it mostly was. We had yet another fight on Saturday and he told me to leave him alone (I’ve heard that hundreds of times). I did great until today. It was his birthday and I both texted and emailed him. As usual, he told me he didn’t want to hear from me and we went back and forth. I finally just stopped and began searching for advice on how to end this. Honestly, just writing this is a big help. I’ve missed out on so much. I couldn’t go on vacations, couldn’t go to any gatherings or birthday parties because, “I’d look like a single woman”. I couldn’t spend Christmas Eve with my kids because it was a last minute plan and “that annoys him”. I cried myself to sleep that night, only to get accused of “still going and lying about it”. If I had to run to the store, I’d be rushing. I even unknowingly say, “hurry, were running late” to where my little boy would ask “late for what mommy?”. And it was because I’d be stressing, nervous about getting his, “are you still there” text. Once we had talked about and I was given permission to go to the beach with my siblings and their families, me and my kids and our parents. Only to be told, “go out there and flash your tits, have fun, I don’t care” at the last minute. I felt so guilty that my son and I stayed behind. My goodness! What a fool I’ve been! Thank you for allowing me to vent. I am praying to God for strength. I know this was wrong. I’m ready to move forward without restrictions. I’m tired of crying.

  • Mayra

    It’s one of the hardest things to do, he has become one of my best friends these last few months. I turn to him for so much support and laughs. However, logically he isn’t mine to do this with and I would never want him to leave his family and break his kids hearts. So. I have to do what is best even if it makes me feel like I’m dying inside. I’ll get thru this.

  • Mayra

    Thankful someone understands. Friend from past reconnnected. Fun chats for a couple months without anything sexual. Then it changed. I am now the hypocrite I’ve always despised and yet I feel like I never have before. We’ve only been together a few times but I see the emotional drain it’s causing me. I know I need to end it but part of me wants to believe so badly the overtures of love and how I make him feel. I start chemo in a week and the idea of doing it without is support is breaking my heart. But I also know he can never be there for me the way I need and deserve. I know I have to end this affair with a married man and focus on my healing. Thanks so much for a safe place to turn to.

    • Forget-me-not

      It is draining and the guilt is such a burden to carry. It seems so difficult for us to think of us first and take good care of ourselves. It is not that difficult to sweep a woman off her feet, men are smart and know that very well. However it does not seem so easy for them to keep a woman feeling loved, desired and happy. Somehow, these married men tend to know how to do that to us and yet, the price is so high. Have courage!

  • Forget-me-not

    Hello to you all,

    I too, like all of you am involved with a married man. I have not read all the comments here but seeing that there are so many makes me feel less alone. I’ve met my married man, my soulmate, the love of my life more than four years ago. He first told me he was separated and lived with a friend. I was newly separated myself and was doing great. I was seeing other men but was not interested in a relationship at all. I thought he was just going to be just like the others. No attachment. I was not yet healed from my separation (I left an alcoholic). He was pursuing me but I was slow to give in but once we spent the night together, it just clicked. Still I did not get attached but we kept seeing each other and of course eventually we both got deeply involved and fell in love – physically, mentally and even more so spiritually. I’ve never experienced a bond like this and he hasn’t either. Out of this world and not fake in any way. I did find out he was still married eventually and was shocked and gutted but it was too late. He explained that he just sleeps on the sofa in the basement. He went there for his kids. Really, I’ve never met a man who cares so much for his kids. He is a great father and a very caring man – I got to give him that. Helps out anyone in need and all the lost souls in the street always seem to gravitate toward him. I believed him. He sent me pictures of him sleeping on the sofa, he would skype me in the middle of the night from there and he even went to the extend of letting me hear his conversation with his sons how he sleeps there (over the phone). I also believed him because I had similar arrangement with my ex for almost a year. His family is 5hrs from my town and he was working here when I met him. He ended up staying with me for a few months and went to see his kids every few weeks but of course stayed at the house. When his work here was done he went back which was horrible. He then suffered a difficult financial situation and could not back up his promise to leave his wife. After two years, he got work here again and actually moved in with me but still went back there about every 4-weeks. He still did not tell his kids or his wife but his friends and his family all know about me. I met most of them too and he is always proud to show me off and tells everyone how much he loves me. He lived with me for over two years but now his work is far again – from me and from his family. And that is when I realized that this will not work. He visited his kids and wife when he got a break and not me. I had to fly there to see him – he did pay for everything though. He made a trip with his family to see his son play football in NY, with his kids and wife and her family. Stayed in the same hotel room as her. That devastated me and that is when I lost it. He did it last year and it hurt me like hell but I forgave him and told him never again. But he did it again this year and that is when I knew I need to let him go. I gave him ultimatums and he was shocked and at first it looked like he was finally going to act but in the end, he is still pushing it, delaying it, letting me down over and over. Pushing my limits but blaming me for not hearing his side of the story! How dare he, I have been living by his way, in his side of the story for 4 years but now I finally get some backbone and our relationship is suddenly too much work and struggle. How typical. I am gutted and so disillusioned.
    I thought we’d be the exception but I see that we are just the exact norm of an affair. So I am ending it. I haven’t seen him over a month but he is coming on Monday to “talk about it”. I will be packing his boxes and see him leave with them. I will hear him out but there is no more room for negotiations. I have been ruthless with my messages and texts and over the phone and he became distant. I am up and down from sad to angry, giving in for a bit and getting even angrier the next day. There are days I feel nothing and just float through the day. He has taken my forgiveness and understanding for granted. I do not understand how he ended up like this and feel so lost and yet, I know I have to walk away from this man, who remove the circumstances is truly my soulmate. However, we lived in a fantasy land and he is unwilling to cross over to the real world. At this point, I’m not even sure I want him to. I don’t think that I’d have the strength to deal with the drama and mess that would result from this. I don’t feel like being branded as ‘ the home wrecker’ and ‘the other woman’. I think at this point, to come out with the truth will be so messy that his kids will hate me. So I have to end it and let him sort his life or not on his terms and timeframes. I’ve sacrificed enough and I am drained and exhausted from it all. I am so lucky in amazing friends who love me and are helping me get through this. I am 48 and the thought of my future is very daunting. I’m not even sure I can truly recover enough from this to ever be with another man but I can be on my own and with my kids no problem. I will do my best to part in a peaceful way and keep good memories of the love I got to experience with this man. I think he will end up the more miserable one since his life is such a mess. Good luck to everyone here. I truly feel your pain but we are better than that and deserve dignity and self-respect.

    • ikthefeeling

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. Reading this describes the exact situation that I’m in right now. You are so brave for putting the end to the relationship. You are so right that under different circumstances that he may have been your soul mate. That thought has always been the one to prevent me from ending it, but not this time. We do both deserve better, wishing you the best and all the happiness for the future.

      • Forget-me-not

        Oh, it is such a lonely and difficult road to hold on to a love like this. My MM said that he will prove to me that we are not like the statistics. Because he could not muster the courage to do the right thing until now, he let me down so many times that I did not have much hope anymore. Today he told his wife and his kids that he is leaving to live with me. I don’t know what kind of other hardships are ahead of us, or even the outcome of all this but for the love that we share, if he went and did this, I will believe that it is possible for us to build a life around our love. Thank you ikthefeeling. Your words gave me much comfort in quite dark hours. Best of luck to you and wishing you the best outcome possible. Hugs.

  • hardtime

    My Story, Were were friends he went to kiss me i turned away but we stayed friends and eventually sleeping together. They were trying to have kids I said once your wife is pregnant this is over. Well the test keep coming back negative so after this round of IVF thought the same. We had a great night together then the next day he found out and told me. I tried not to talk to him he wants to stay friends. My heart is so conflicted I know it need to stop talking to him but have not yet. I hope i have the strength to say no when he wants to see me. Were were friends on and off for 15 years before this all started. Because of how far we live apart I have never met the wife. I feel for her and I need to stop this but heart and head and saying too different things and I am having a hard time

    • Melanie

      Hi, I feel for you. I’m stuck in the same boat. Well, I have to own that i put myself here, but i too am involved with a married man. Some day’s I feel so disgusted that i allowed myself to get into this situation. Its only been a couple of months, but it mostly felt fantastic. The attention i mean. Clicked on common interests, sex off the charts. He’d text practically all day long (even around her) and make sure to call daily. Well, his attentiveness has started to decrease. Texts much less. Missed a day here and there of calling. And, we’re arguing more lately. Lately, because “I ask too many questions.” He told me he was unfaithful once before on a business trip. Also, texted a woman from an online game site a few years back. And, now me. He tells me he doesnt like the person his wife is or her child. Told me in the beginning he was sleeping on the sofa, yet 3 weeks ago his neck “hurt” so badly he had to sleep in bed again. Swears there is no sex. Yet, my stomach turns when he uses phrases all the time like “we” referring to her. “We” go to church on Sundays and then sends one or 2 texts on the weekends. Thats not at all what i signed up for.
      I am going to end this for my own peace of mind and self worth.

      • hardtime

        Melanie thanks for writing back. He go through texting and calling everyday to less and less and less. When i ask him why”work”is busy. Well since this news and me saying lets not see each other. the texts and calls are coming all the time. He is even telling me times he is going to call(that never happened before) I try to stay busy so I am not around when he calls (i cant bring myself to block the number) I still find myself happy to hear his vice. But then I get sad.
        Melanie we can and will get through this your right, self worth is so important. Just hard to be strong

      • broken spirit

        The sooner you can end the better. I’ve been involved for 4 and half months. Not easy. It was never on my terms. I had to face my fear and gone through my emotions and grieving and set my boundaries and stick to it. He will disappear on his own when he no longer gets what he wants. Let him go and heal.

  • justme88

    Hi
    Please dont judge me here as I ask u questions about my situation.

    I am currently involve with a married man for a year now. And I am pregnant with his baby. I am due on next month. His wife is also pregnant through IVF. Yes it does suck cos we are only 3 weeks apart. She gives birth first before me.

    Me and him work together in the same company. I stopped working atm cos im pregnant. He lives in Australia, I live in the Philippines. He is working currently abroad. He asked me before to give him time to deal about his family. Cos it isnt easy at the moment for him. His wife knows all about me and our upcoming baby too.

    He came here to meet my family, told everyone he is undergoing on a divorce which I thought he was. On the place where he works now, everyone knows that his partner is Me. We talk everyday, he calls me everyday. He is so so much willing to get involved with my baby girl and me.

    I am so confused now with what to do.
    I want to leave him seriously. But I cant.
    I tried many times but still end up being normal again to him. Cos he is telling me he loves me and honestly wants to be with me. But i dont think there will be a divorce that will happen anymore.
    I keep on telling myself that I will move on when i give birth. Cos i dont want to stress myself out while im still pregnant.

    Do u think i should just cut ties immediately or as in NOW.? Or just wait till i give birth cos for sure my baby will help me get this easier to get over with.

    Please no rude comments. I know i must be condemned but I just fell in love. And have been stupid.

    • Heartbreak

      Dear justme88, please know first of all that you will not be judged or condemned here. We all support each other. We are all involved in affairs, that’s why we are on this site. If you have a baby with this man, it will be very hard to cut contact with him, especially since he and his wife both have acknowledged the fact. I assume he wants to be there in his daughter’s life. Having said that, it’s kind of hard to decide whether to start limited contact with him from now or wait till the baby is born. Either way he will not really ever go out of your life. And it’s hard to move on from a married man unless you totally cut him out of your life. I am sorry there is no easy answer to this. It must be very hard to deal with all this. My heart goes out to you.

      • justme88

        Hello Heartbreak,
        Thank you for responding to me.

        Yeah its really really hard for me.
        If only he is treating me like he doesn’t love me. But he still does. That’s why I seriously can easily believe in his words.

        I am just now trying to be civil with him, and told him that he can only call or message me if its about our baby. But he doesnt agree with it. So its really really tough for me.

        I want to regret everything that happened but it makes me feel guilty for baby girl. Cos if it didnt happen, i wouldn’t have her. If you know what I mean.

        Hope you are doing well!
        Thanks so much.

    • Forget-me-not

      Dear Justme88. In my opinion, first take good care of yourself and the baby that is to come soon. I don’t think you should make any hasty changes right now and I am certain that you can take a couple of months to recover from the birth, adapt to your new life as a mother and when you have all the strength back, you can deal with the rest. Good luck and a wonderful new life with a healthy and good baby

      • justme88

        So his wife just delivered their IVF baby. And I am due in the next 2 weeks. And here alone. Trying to believe that he will also be here when I give birth. I tried cutting our communication for 3 days, but that’s all I can do. I started talking to him again because of our baby whom he loves as well. He still tells me he loves me though. But it hurts as much. And he really wants to be a part of our baby til she grows old. I honesly cannot wait for her to be born so I can start moving on with our lives.
        I dont think I will ever fall in love again with a single guy and definitely not with a mrried man anymore!
        I am really do hoping that once I have my baby in my arms, I wouldnt think much about him anymore and I could get my life back on track.
        This pain hurts like hell.

  • Brown girl

    Hi, I have been involved with my married man since 6 months and have cut off communication since 3 days. I knew him when I was 17 and he was 21 but nothing progressed into a relationship. We connected again at the age of 31. We both are married, I have a young child as well. It was very toxic some days as he was very measured in his approach to me, while I used to throw caution to the wind and want to see him and speak to him on the phone every chance I get. When he had his good days he was very vocal about his love for me and made me feel like no one ever had, our conversations about life were very deep and our connection was unreal. We made no promises to leave our spouses, but last week I realised I’m fooling myself that this will just organically fade away, I wanted more and I wanted to give it a shot in the real world to which he refused stating that I had responsibilities with my daughter and I needed to give her a stable home. We never slept with each other, it was just an emotional relationship, with hand holding and we f