How to Break Up With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart

The affair is breaking your heart, yet you can’t seem to let go. Here’s how to break up with a married man and heal your broken heart, plus encouragement from a woman who broke up with the married man she was involved with.

how to stop dating married menIn Forget Mr Married: How to break free from this toxic relationship and reclaim your life, Sally Webb describes what it feels like to meet the most beautiful, perfect man for you. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted in a man, you belong together…but he’s married. He belongs to someone else morally and legally – even though he makes you feel like you’re “the one” for him. And yet, you know that the affair is toxic. You desperately need to reclaim your life and emotions.

If you need to change your life in a meaningful and positive way, read this book. Your heart will be set free of guilt, shame, and constant pain and heartache. You can finally be ready to strive for the real love you truly deserve. You’re struggling to break up with this married man because you feel like he’s the only woman for you. You’re sharing him with his wife and children – but you KNOW that if he leaves her and loves you, he will make you the happiest woman in the world. You won’t cry and feel used, you won’t feel hurt or have to suppress your emotions just to share his married body and mind with a wife he vowed to be forever faithful to.






Here’s what one of my readers said about breaking up with the guy she was having an affair with:

“I became involved with a married man after my divorce,” says Kay on How to End Your Toxic Love Affair Now – Before It’s Too Late. “He told me how much he loved me, and thought we were meant to be together. He said he was going to leave his wife, but he never did. I can’t believe how much time and energy I wasted on this man. The lies, deception and constant disappointment was awful. I admit I miss his company and the way he looked at me and the way he touched me. But I realize I need and deserve so much more! Looking back I realize how toxic it was to sit at home on holidays while he was with his family, and only see him when he was available. We never showed affection in public, and we could never spend time with friends as a couple.”

How to Break Up With a Married Man

A few years ago, I wrote an article called How to Stop Cheating in a Relationship. I didn’t think anyone would read it because I thought it’d be easy to not cheat! I was wrong. Recently I’ve had some very honest conversations with my friends about dating married men, and I’ve realized that affairs are more common than I realize.

But no matter how common it is to fall in love with and date a married man, it is degrading, dishonest, and disappointing. The affair will never go anywhere, and it’s not true love. True love means you can introduce the man you love to your family and friends. True love isn’t suppressed by secrets and deception. True love does not involve lying and secret meetings, lonely nights and unhappy days.

Here’s how to break up with a married man, no matter how long the affair has lasted…

Be honest with yourself

Yes, you may feel like you love this married man. You know it’s a toxic and painful affair – not a real relationship – and yet you keep hanging on. You question yourself: “What if he really is different?” “What if my married man’s excuses are actually valid?” “What if he really is on the road to end his marriage for me?”

The truth is that he won’t leave his wife for you. This married man likes having his wife at home and you on the side, and he enjoys the feeling of both you and her loving him. If you’re serious about breaking up with this married man, you need to prepare yourself to hear the answers you don’t want to hear. Get ready to leave the toxic love fantasyland you’ve been living in. It’s time to face reality.

Read the comments section of this article on breaking up with a married man

How to Stop Dating a Married Man

How to Stop Dating a Married Man

At the end of this post, you’ll find several readers who are strong enough to share what it’s like to date and break up with a man who is married. They are supporting and helping each other through this.

I encourage you to read through the comment section. See the pain having an affair causes. Learn how deep the roots of heartache and betrayal go. Be prepared to face the reality that breaking up with a married man is difficult and painful – but the best thing you could do for yourself.

Remember how you’ll feel after you heal from the breakup

After Kay experienced the freedom of breaking it off with the married man – and the grief of letting go – she encourages other women to leave an affair relationship.

“To anyone who is still involved with a married man, all I can say is end it NOW,” she says. “Yes the pain is terrible. You wonder how you can go on without him. But the sense of freedom and self-respect you’ll feel after the breakup is empowering. You’ll feel light and happy after ending the affair, and you’ll see the married man in a different light. These tips on how to break up with a married man will help you see the affair in a different light.”

Don’t keep holding on to the affair; it is toxic and destructive. You know it’s time to go, or you wouldn’t be here! Remember that breaking up with a married man will be painful and sad, but it’s better for you in the long run. You’ll need to grieve the end of the affair, but you will be healthier and happier in the long run.

When you’re dating a married man, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak and pain. He’s not free to love you the way you deserve to be loved, and you’re participating in a dark, damaging affair that is casting shadows on your life and spirit. It’s not romantic, sexy, or charming to help a married man cheat on his wife. You know this in your heart and soul! You want to break off the affair – that’s why you’re here searching for help breaking up with men who are married.


Relationship Help

Gain confidence by learning what men secretly want.

Turn your marriage around! Find the love and intimacy you once had.




Cut off all contact with the married man

Don’t accept his phone calls, text messages, Facebook popups, emails, Facetime prompts, Tweets, blog comments, or notes at work. You’re just setting yourself up to be sucked right back into the affair. Don’t let him wiggle his way back into your life – this is one of the times you can’t be friends with your ex. It may seem cruel to both you and him, but it’s the best tip on how to break up with a married man. Rip off that band-aid, and leave him alone.

Trust yourself, that you know that it’s time to end this relationship. Read How to Leave a Man You Love – But Can’t Live With – for support.

Stay true to yourself, even when he keeps contacting you

You want to end this affair because you know it’s wrong and it’s not going anywhere. You aren’t proud of dating a married man, and you know it’s destroying your spirit and soul. At some level, you know how much you’re contributing to the pain he’s causing his wife and family. Put yourself in your wife’s shoes; how would you feel if your husband was cheating on you? This may not be the most effective tip on how to stop dating a married man because your love for her husband overshadows your compassion for her.

If you want to be a truly happy person, you must life a life of integrity and respect. You must choose relationships that build you up and make you feel good about yourself.

Remember that you’re not in love with the real man

You’re in love with the bits and pieces he shows you. He’s a married man, and that may add chemistry and excitement to who you think he is. He’s not available, and that intrigues you. He’s like a Hollywood movie star: you know enough about him to give you some insight into his personality and life, but you’re not involved with the real man.

You’re not picking up his dirty clothes, putting down the toilet seat, listening to him snore all night long, wondering where he goes at night and on weekends, or fighting about the credit card charges and mortgage payments. Remember that when you’re dating a married man, you see the ideal and perfect guy. You don’t see who he really is.

Figure out what you need in your life – besides him

Why are you involved with him?

end affair married man

How to Break Up With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart

Don’t tell me it’s because there are no good guys out there, or you’ve dated everyone in your city. Don’t tell me there is nobody else, because I know it’s not true! You’re dating a married man because of something that’s going on inside of you. What is it in you that refuses to let him go, to accept that he’s not free? If you can learn what you’re looking for, you’re one step closer to knowing how to break up with a married man.

If you don’t feel spiritually or emotionally healthy, this is the perfect time to start looking at your own personal growth. You are deeply and unconditionally loved by God, and you were created for a purpose. Your life can be so much more fulfilling and interesting! You can be truly and deeply happy, and you will find a healthy relationship when you learn how to take care of your emotional and spiritual health.

Decide that you deserve better than an affair with a married man

You deserve better. God created you to be a partner for a man who wants to spend his life with you, and who treats you with love and respect. Do you believe you’re worthwhile, valuable, and lovable? Do you love yourself? Sometimes learning how to break up with a married man involves a decision. You need to decide that you deserve more out of a relationship, and that a better man is waiting for you.

No matter what he says about his marriage, his wife, and his kids – remember that you’re only getting his perspective. He is telling you whatever he wants to tell you; he wants to make it easy for the affair to continue. He wants you to keep dating him even though he’s married and even though he won’t leave his wife. He’s lying to you.

Expect the breakup to hurt

Getting over an affair with a married man won’t happen overnight. You’ll grieve the breakup, and you’ll regret letting him go. You’ll wish you were back together, and you’ll cry yourself to sleep at night. But, you WILL heal and move on! You will be proud of yourself that you had the courage and dignity to stop dating a married man, and you will find someone who treats you like gold. You will stand tall and proud, and you will be happy again.

The breakup will hurt, but you will find true freedom and authenticity – and you will create a better life for yourself! You’ve been hurt and maybe even used. You thought your affair with this man wouldn’t turn out this way. Your heart has been bruised, broken, and maybe even stomped on.

Learn how to let go of someone you love

You need to break up with this married man, and allow yourself to grief. Heal. For your own sake, you need to heal your heart, mind, and soul – and your body. You can search for all the tips in the world on “how to break up with a married man” but you’ll fail if you let him go.

breaking up is hard to doRead How to Let of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart. I know you love this man, but he can’t be with you. He is lying to his wife, he’s lying to you, and he’s lying to himself. You need to let him go, and start healing from the pain of dating a married man.

It’s time for you to create a better life for yourself. I know you love him and you think you can’t live without him…but you have to remember that he is not free to love you the way you deserve.

I welcome your thoughts on how to break up with a married man. Read through the comments section below – you’ll find comfort and wisdom from other women who are struggling to let of their affairs. I can’t give you advice about breaking up with a man who is married, but it might help you to write about  your experience.

It takes strength and courage to let go – but you can learn how to get over a married man! You are resilient and strong, full of faith and courage.

Take a deep breath, remember who you are, and move forward into a new life.

xo

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What's going on in your life? Tell me below!
I don't give advice, but writing can bring healing to your spirit and soul.
Take heart, keep the faith, have courage ... Laurie

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687 Responses

  1. Biggest mistake says:

    Ok so my situation is a little different. I’m a married woman that is desperately trying to end thing with a very clingy man. This has been going on for about a year. We met at work (no longer work together) he was very shy and I mad the first move. Within the first week he was already telling me he loved me. I fell for it hook line and sinker. Why? Who knows. Basically, it was fun, he was romantic and he took me out of my day to day. I need to end it but don’t know how.

  2. Sorrow says:

    I don’t even want write much about this married man anymore. Zero interaction with him for a month despite we cross path at work. Not a word , not even looking into each other’s eyes… I finally realised that I meant nothing to him at all. Hard cruel truth….

    • Helpless says:

      After reading this article I have a clearer picture of my entire situation and i would like to share my story with you guys.
      I’m with a married man for more than a year now and he has been marrie for a year and a half. His wife studies abroad and they have never really lived together for more than a month. I always believed he was with me because he loved me. But lets face it. I was and still am being very naive. Ofcourse he is with me because he wants to have sex with me. He has no company. He wants someone to love him and take care of him like a wife because his wife doesn’t find him important enough to complete her studies here with him. He’s a typical case of a playboy. Considering his entire past. He has dated many girls each for two years. And the last girl he dated, he slept with her just a few days before he got married. This man did not have the guts to marry the girl he says he loved. He married his wife because she was from a rich family, same religion, state, everything. Marrying her was very convenient in every possible way. So when he can choose convenience over love, why am i still a fool to think and assume he loves me and thats why he’s with me. I’m solving a purpose in his life because she is not around.
      But this is not it, he abuses me. He hits me very very badly without the slightest pity. He ignores me for days together. He doesn’t call me back when i hang up. When i say i would leave him, he says okay and never bothers again. Its me who goes running back to him every single time. My situation is so fucked up and more than anything, my brain is even more fucked. I dont realise what m doing or thinking. He’s capable of manipulating me in the best possible way and every single time I fall for his manipulation.
      He’s gone to meet her now and he left two months back. I told him clearly if he leaves, I’ll break up with him. Despite that, he went. He never tried to convince me nor did he try even a little to not leave. He claims he was forced by his family, by her and her family. But i do not feel so. He very rarely has sex with her and i know he’s not lying because i heard it from her mouth that he slept with her only thrice in The month of January. I am really confused and i dont know what to think. The only thing thats clear to me is, he loves her. He has his display pictures of facebook with her. His cover picture is with her. Noone does this if they dont love the person! He claims he’s being extra careful that she never finds out.
      In all your cases atleast the guy finds u important enough to promise a false future. In my case he has told me very very clearly. Leaving my wife is not an option so if you can deal with that, we can go on. Otherwise fuck it! I feel like i have no self respect whatsoever. And I’m tired. I’m tired of being the woman he uses for masturbation. Ladies, these men dont make love to us. They masturbate inside us! And we dont need that from anyone. I know Its easier said than done because I’m still stuck in such a relationship. But i hope to get stronger one day!
      He hasn’t called me for the last two weeks because i abused his wife. He’s coming back this week. And I’m sure he would call me when he lands. My question then would be, why didn’t u call me all these days? So u could get a little peace with your wife. So you could spend a little time with her.
      I’ve even considered ending my life. I’m stuck with this black soul of man who is not only married, but treats me like a slut. In bed and otherwise. Do i deserve this? Does anyone ever deserve this?

  3. Mel says:

    Today I have heartwrenching pain. I spoke to my married man after 10 days of no contact. We decided we were parting ways, but it’s really a huge adjustment after two years and a half of constant communication. We are going to continue going out separate ways, but it is hard for both of Us. I just want him to be happy, and if being with his wife is something he has to continue, I can’t be allow myself to spare my own happiness. But God this hurts so bad. I can’t get up today and I’m so sad…I can’t wrap my mind around the fact hat I’ll never have him again, and it’s hard to imagine that all the special moments we shared are now just memories. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know he’s suffering too because of the fact that I know that this wasn’t something I made up myself. It was a real relationship with real love. I just … I wish I can fast fwd out of this rut. I could never look for this man in no one else because he is unique. All I can do is accept that I am a better person now than I was when I met him, and that I’m better prepared for the person who will put me second to none. I am so hurt….so so hurt.

  4. Ms. Heartbroken says:

    I’ve been with a married man for 2 years. 1 and 1/2 years of waiting for him to love me and show me how special and important I am in his life. I’ve waited too long but honestly I never fail. The moment when I started to show him dat I can leave without him and I don’t even went to see him for months. He got mad, I never thought it is not OK with him. He started to show me how special I am. He started to demand, to know everything and cannot even go out without his permission. He cared for me and even find ALL the time to be with me. We stay that way for 6 months. We never knew that something heartbreaking will happen. Happiness, love, sweetness turned to pain, sorrow and heartaches. His family knew about our relationship. That day he was confused, he called and tell me that his family knew about us and we have to stay down our relationship. He even asked me to just forget him. I cried a lot, telling him not to leave me. I was so broke. My life turns into something unbreakable. Two days after, he texted me and called me, honestly, I am waiting for that. We’ve talked about everything that has happened. I cried a lot to him because I want him to stay. He said he will stay, he said it will be very difficult for us to see each other for the meantime and we do not know when it will subside. We stay, remain texting/calling each other if he has time to do so. I expected his calls every day that it makes me weak every time. Sometimes I’m okay but most of the time I’m not. I love him so much that I cannot even let him go. He loves his family and he loves me too. He made an effort to stay and communicate with me but I don’t until when I can tolerate this. The pain is so deep thinking of letting him go. I suffered a lot, it really breaks my heart not having him. Life seems to be unfair and I started to breakdown. Thinking of leaving him makes it easy in the first place but when he’s there leaving him is never a choice for me. He will leave to US and be back after 2 months. I don’t know what to do, he said he will come back for me and if everything will be going smooth and fine, we will start all over again.

    His wife and children knows about me and even hire for a private investigator to monitor my moves and to know my place. They know my accounts and where I belong. I tried to be strong knowing this things but believe or not, I never think of hurting his family for this affair. I always told him to fix his family first before me. I love him so much to do this things. I give way because that was the right thing to do. I am wrong I know, but loving him is the only mistake I did. I love him. I Cannot even let go. I don’t if I can move on without him but as they say I CAN and I WILL.

    For now, we remain and stay of what we have. I really need your advise. Do you think the time he go to US was the right time for me to move on and find myself again? I am rush into love but I don’t see anyone else because I only want him. But I do hope that GOD has something better for me. How can I bear the pain of letting him go if ever? How can I go on without him? It really breaks my heart… Please help.

    He’s a good man, I know that he really don’t want to hurt me and his family but it already happened. There’s no other choice. He cannot fix both at the same time. I hope that my heart would heal. Please advise.

    • Sim says:

      Hey ms.heartbroken, i was in a similar situation so i guess i understand what you are going through. You cant move on yet you cant seem to let go because it’s too hurtful to let go when you are still deeply in love. It seems not a feasible choice. Ive been there and we tried many times to break up but didnt work until his wife found out about us the 2nd time. Thats when things ended, and it ended in a very heartbreaking way for me because he was the one who said goodbye and he chose to be with his wife and family. I was left alone and i felt abandoned. No matter how much he said he loved me, it couldnt make up for the fact that he is not with me and never will. Im always his second choice. Im half dead, half alive and i cant think of any ways to move on. It hurts like hell. So if i have any advice to you, that is you should be the one who says goodbye first, take the control because otherwise, you will be beaten up. You know this is not going anywhere, so be the dumper, not dumpee. You will see how the big differences are, because once you are dumped, there’s nothing for you to hold on to, and you will live with the pain for a very long time.

  5. LearningFromYouAll says:

    My married man contacted me today after days of silence, saying how much he misses me and doesnt know what to do. Of course I broke the NC rule..and I feel so guilty and pathetic right now. I dont even love the guy, but still missing him and his messages way too much. This is really toxic.
    I didnt say anything – except that we did the right thing and that he wouldnt stand a chance with me as long as he is married, as I deserve so much better than just being an affair. Funny thing is that I do realize all those things, I know I dont love him – but something is just incredibly pulling me towards him!
    Ladies, I admire you so much for doing so well with your break – ups. I know it is hard, and I didnt even get the full emotional experience yet! I thought it was similar to breaking up with a single guy, but hell no. NOPE. Very toxic and sick…
    Hugs to you all!

    • Trying to let go says:

      He’s the one who broke silence. The only way you can escape from letting that happen again is to block him on every site and phone you own. The curiosity about whether he has reached out with feel like torture but I will say the grieving and no communication is less bad than limbo land/gray area. I’m only day 3 but plan to take it one step at a time. Each day I’ll set little goals for myself with the first being do not contact and focus on what I need to get done. The toxic ones are intoxicating bc there’s usually crazy chemistry and your brain gets addicted. I hope that each day gets easier for everyone. I already feel lonely but I’d rather be alone and healthy with myself than lonely in a really sick, unhealthy relationship with a married man. IDK about the rest of you but reading posts and online articles about why it’s best to move on helps a lot or at least in the moment.

    • Cathy says:

      You are not the only weak one, please don’t feel bad…I am even worse! 🙁

    • hardtime says:

      You sound like me. I dont love him but miss him and the messages so much. I always wonder why he did not message me and happy when i hear from him. I have taken his phone number off my phone so cant contact him that way but still have him on facebook, for some reason cant take him off that. But i am taking it one day at a time and hope it gets easier then it is right now.

  6. Victoria says:

    Dear Ladies, trust in Jesus. He can save us from this misery. He is the living God. I am telling you from my own experience. Trust him and pray pray and pray. He will answer your prayers.

  7. cathy says:

    Trying To Understand…

    Im writing this to make sense out of the relationship I had with a married man to see if anyone agrees, or has also experienced, or thought the same way about this. I may be totally wrong and naive but I’m trying to see it in a another light, because I can’t stand the thought that they are are all horrible liars and we were all just being used! I just need to see if anyone else feels the same way! Please tell me if you think I am a sucker I need to hear the truth, so my heart stops hurting.

    My married man was older (50’s) and I really think a lot of the older married men are having affairs and their wives know (not all and some to a a certain extent) but they turn their heads the other way, until it becomes more serious! Then all hell breaks loose. We are the ones that get the short end of the stick when it goes downhill.

    I’m in my early fifties now and had a three year love affair. I thought he was a widower when I met him, he failed to tell me he had remarried immediately after his wife passed away. When I found out, he made me feel so bad for him, he was trapped in a marriage, he wished never happened. He was sad and vulnerable just before and after his wife passed. His new wife didn’t even live with him after they were married, she only came home on weekends. They had been married for about ten years when I met him.

    This whole situation has broken me and I am trying to get myself back again. That is why I am please asking for others opinions on what they feel towards situations like this. I have always tried to see the good in people and I think I am to trusting and I don’t like to see people hurt, or in pain.

    Because of my age, i have talked to so many people (around same age) that do not have any intimacy in their marriages. It always seems to be the same story. The woman says she is not interested in sex anymore. She says it’s because of menopause, or some other health reason. Then they become more like roommates or friends, they don’t have anything in common anymore and their relationship is dull, but polite. They have a nice house, cars, etc. Friends and family think they have a normal marriage. They both think it could be worse, they could be alone and not have the assets they have now, so they accept what they have.

    The married man is lonely and feels rejected at some level, how can you not? I have had several friends tell me this, when it has happened, not just my mm. We would feel rejected too, if our husband didn’t want us anymore! They stay married because they have built a life together and it would totally be a mess if they split up. Plus, at an older age you can usually not afford such a big change. They fall into a pattern of being “friends” or “roommates” my married man was even moved into his own bedroom by his “wife”. The man accepts it, because he has to, he doesn’t have a choice, unless he leaves, but that is almost impossible by this point in your life. It’s easy to say and do when you are young and don’t have baggage and financial ties that are totally intertwined with another person.

    Then one day the married man meets someone (you, us) that jump starts his whole life again! He feels young and happy and has feelings that have been buried for years and years. I know some couples that haven’t been intimate in their marriage in 15 years or more! People say marriages aren’t just about sex, but sexual intimacy is a huge part of who we are and what we need. It brings us closer to the other person and creates a bond that’s deeper than a friend, or roommate. If you don’t have that feeling for each other than there will be problems. It’s part of love and it doesn’t even have to be sexual. Some friends have told me their wives won’t even kiss or cuddle, or hold hands anymore. I kept asking a million questions to friends, so I could understand the man’s side of it. I figured they all can’t just be lying monsters, there has to be another side of the story. The same story came up over and over!

    We are all human and we all need love and intimacy and to feel good about ourselves. When you meet someone that has been deprived of this for a long time and you are on the receiving end, it’s the most ELECTRIFYING joyous, exciting and magical relationship you can ever experience! It truly is!, Especially if you have come out of a horrible relationship also. It’s like two drowning people and you have both found the same life preserver and you feel alive for the first time in years. When we are younger and unmarried, we are free to move onto another relationship if the one we are in doesn’t work out. When we are older and married, we are bound to that relationship legally and everything we have worked so hard for our entire life can go poof, or we lose half of it…So we stay and numb ourselves into believing this is the way it will be.

    I think the married man is so happy to feel again that you become his focus! He says and does things that no one else ever did for you, because he is in such a state of euphoria and doesn’t think the situation through. This makes you feel the same way, so the both of you start living in a wonderful fantasy world…One that won’t last!

    Again, I’m not saying everyone is this way, some men are just users and jerks. I do believe some men are sweet and kind and loving and very alone in their marriage. We become like a drug to them (they are to us also) and they will do and say anything to get their fix. In turn, they start using us, disappointing us and making us feel like we are not good enough to be an actual part of their real life. They create a world they want, but can’t have.

    I think the wife’s radar goes off and she realizes this may not just be a sex thing, he might actually have feelings for the sideline that kept him busy for awhile. I know for a fact his wife knew! She didn’t care, but once it became really serious she put a stop to it and threatened she would take everything and leave him without anything, if he didn’t stop seeing me. That only lasted a week! He just found other ways to contact me.

    We aren’t together now, we can’t be, it was turning me into a mean, frustrated person with a lot of anxiety. I just wanted to write this, not on their defence, because every situation is different…but I really don’t think they all intend to be as terrible and destroy us. They just get trapped in a situation where reality sets in and they don’t know how to get out and actually be with us. Some of them must be in as much pain as we are! But we are better off, we are not stuck for the rest of our life with someone we don’t want to be with, they are! We have the opportunity to meet someone that can give us all of their love and be with us! The mm will never be so lucky!

    This is not an excuse for them and no woman should stay in a relationship like this. It’s not good for anyone involved! It creates so much pain on so many levels. I think that’s why a lot of them ignore us at times, they can’t handle it! A lot of men hide instead of facing how cruel the relationship became for us. I don’t know how one can face themselves in the mirror everyday, after destroying the person they say they loved so much.

    My married man told me everytime we split up he was so depressed he didn’t want to go on, he started trying to find a way to make more money, so he could leave, but I can’t be a part of that. I want to believe it with all of my heart, but after reading how so many were treated, after years of waiting, I had to let go. I would be there for him and be with him, if he contacted me and was free, but sadly, I don’t think that will ever happen and I have to face it!

    Sorry this was so long!

    • Heartbreak says:

      Hi Cathy. I have the same nature, I see the good in others and I don’t easily give up on people until they have really proved how awful they are and there is no other way to see their behavior except in the poor light that it actually was. And yes, there are jerks and assclowns, and there are nice decent men who just happen to married. I am sure that there are lots of marriages in which the intimacy and sex is not optimal, or maybe in rare instances, non existent. However , this impression that married men give you about how bad their marriage actually is, is blown up to sound worse than it probably is. If the wives of these men were actually asked, I think most of them would be horrified at what a grim picture life with her is being painted as. And even if life may not be romance and roses, it doesn’t really give you an excuse to stray. Although I am in an extra marital relationship myself, I can’t in any honesty justify it by saying it’s because my husband is bad. We commit to our spouse in a marriage and ideally we should honor it. Or get out of it.
      My married man was a very decent person, he was so good to me for eight years that words would fail me if I tried to describe it. I worshipped the ground he walked on and vice versa. There was nothing that he wouldn’t do for me and I never, ever felt like the other woman. I never felt sleazy or dishonored. However for the last one year he keeps withdrawing totally, with not a word of warning or explanation, for no reason at all. Then comes back for some time, withdraw again. This has been done at least four times in the last year and then he finally withdrew forever. If you had asked me a few years ago whether I could imagine him being even a tenth as nasty and cruel, and be so disrespectful and dishonest, I would have said never. But he did it. He behaved in ways that I shudder at, they were so callous and cruel and sabotaging. So it’s not like you can’t be in an affair with a decent man, but most often they never break up with you in a decent way, relationships end all the time but it’s only with married men that they are so long drawn out, torturous and exhausting. Leaving the woman a wreck. And the way we behave after a break up and the way they do is poles apart. We die inside while they go back to wifey. Sure they suffer too, but never the way we do. Maybe they escape because they can’t handle your emotions, but that is not basic decency and cannot we labeled as acceptable behavior by any standards. The least we deserve is to be broken up with in a kind manner. If they are the one who broke up with us, and usually it is them who initiates the breakup, they are in a position of strength and can afford to at least new compassionate. But most move on by trampling on your heart and your psyche and mess you up for ages, if not forever. I am not sure if what I wrote in some way answers the questions you had, but that’s how I feel. That married men may really be lonely, they may be decent people but the breakup is always messy and cruel and very damaging to us.

      • Karla says:

        Heartbreaker, you were 8 years???? How long were you in pain for? And I thought 6 years was alot….. reading your post and all of the other ladies make me feel somekind of peace

      • Cathy says:

        Hi Heartbreak, thank you for responding. I’m sorry your relationship turned out the way it did. It’s hard to figure out what is going through their heads, I don’t think they even know 🙁 I wrote that post, because I was trying to look at it all from a diff perspective, I know I am probably wrong, but I am just hoping some of them out there are not just liars and users. It’s terrible to feel like disposable sidelines, I know that for sure 🙁

      • Sim says:

        Heartbreak, you have laid it all out what I’ve been feeling. The relationship itself was beautiful and I don’t think, in my case, anyone was used or taken advantage of. That’s why it makes the breakup even harder. Sometimes I wish, if he were a jerk, it’d be easier for me to get over it, but he wasn’t. I’m in love with him with all my heart and so was he. What we had was so beautiful. However, he left me to go back to his wife, and all I know is I’m left with all this pain and loneliness and rejection while he’s happy with his little family, just like nothing ever happened. That strong sense of rejection and abandon is killing me everyday, knowing that he can still live happily and fulfill without me. I keep asking the same question, “how could he do that? Falling in love so hard and getting out so easily while I cry almost everyday and my life is all messed up”? and there’s no way out or lift me up from this bad feeling because that’s the fact. He wanted the break up, he never reached out to me again and he’s committed to his wife. What else can I say, or do..

      • Cathy says:

        Hi Heartbreak, ty for responding…I am again messed up, I felt so strong when I wrote that the other day and then my weak part of me took over 🙁

    • Trying to move on says:

      I think if you read the comments you’ll find that most of us share the same story. I’ve tried breaking up with my married man (whom I happen to work for which makes it infinitely worse) for months. He has the same reasons for not leaving that you mentioned. They are financially bound together and have kids. Blah blah blah. IDK about you but ours has been up and down. When things are good they are magical but if any conflict arises he turns into a demon and goes all psychological warfare on me. Finally after the last time we were together and he didn’t even acknowledge me the next day I told myself enough is enough. I called him out and all hell broke loose. I blocked his phone and his email this weekend. I’ll most likely have to find a new job at a different company. We are better off bc we have options and that’s something I hold onto dearly. This hurts like hell and I feel like I can’t get off the couch but this too shall pass. To anyone that is starting an affair with a married man or considering it please run like hell.

      • Patty says:

        I think what’s hard for me is he will say he misses me and loves me but can go days without messaging me. He can just go back to his wife and kids and pretend I don’t exist. Don’t tell me you miss me. If you did I would hear from you. And even knowing it’s better for me if I don’t hear from him so I can get it through my head that this won’t work.. I just need to know I mean something.

    • Sharon says:

      Thank you Cathy for sharing your thoughts. You have outlined my situation clearly. I agree with you not all married man are monsters and intended to hurt us in the start but in the end we all get hurt and has to carry on with the guilt, shame, disappointment and bitterness for I don’t know how long.

      • Karla says:

        Sharon, he is trying to make you feel guilty, dont fall for it. He wants you to release his stress and by that u know what I mean. Ask god for strength and alot. Im asking him every day. My married man broke up with me on Valentine’s day so imagine how im feeling. No more breaks up and making up like we used too. 6 years of my life with him went down the drain. His wife doesn’t even know but I rather suffer than her knowing. His relationship with his wife is of 22 years.

      • Sharon says:

        Thank you Karla. I am sorry about your break up. I hope you will find the courage to carry on and God will show you the way.
        My relationship with my married man is not sexual. Its emotional. However on valentine day I ended it too as I did not want to celebrate the day as if all was well and the next day call it quit . So I told him that day it was over.
        We did not talk for 2 days. Today we spoke, he assured me in his words that he wants to be with me and that he will come to me. I told him as i always kept telling him , I would only accept him if he comes with his whole heart and soul. If there is a chance for him to work on his relationship at home , I will happily step away. And I mean this with all my heart . But I just cannot accept a relationship where a man’s heart is torn in two. Nor would i break a marriage if that’s where he wants to be and they can work on their relationship.

    • Forget-me-not says:

      Cathy,
      I read your comment and I agree with how you present your view on things. Perhaps it is not quite the same for the younger married men who either enjoy the chase, or those who are dominated by their high level of testosterone or the ones who are just missing the spark when drowning under responsibilities of raising children. When children come into a relationship it does often change the whole dynamics. The married man who used to have his wife’s undivided attention might have to realize that he can no longer be the center of her universe and the relationship might become more of a struggle. Women get frustrated with their husbands who often can’t cope as well with work and doing their share of the work at home and with kids. Women get exhausted and lose themselves in motherhood and can’t meet the demands the husbands make on top of all that they do and men get frustrated and feel neglected. It’s a vicious circle.

      However, for the older generation, it is a little different. I am also close to my 50s and I do believe it’s exactly how you describe it. I came out a difficult marriage and my married man has been unhappy a very long time in his. When you wrote your comment and reading it made me feel better. It’s as if you were describing my situation though in my case there are children involved and my married man is very involved in their lives. I definitely think that not all married men are just using us but they start sinking under the weight of when fantasy turns to reality. When we start making demands, the affair becomes yet another struggle they cannot cope with because that is the type of men they are. The married men who refuse to let go of their marriage are the types that find too difficult to face their problems and to deal with reality so they need a fantasy to escape to. It is sad. I do not understand their reasoning, even if it is complicated and assets and comfort are at stake. They are just too cowardly. If despite having all that they have are not happy so why not make the necessary changes? Rather, they make empty promises and turn our world upside down and then let us down and hurt us. They might hurt too but they are the selfish ones so I have no sympathy for them.

      You are right though. They are the ones who end up stuck in their unhappiness while we can break free and do have the choice to be happy again, with or without a man in our lives. I guess we all need to learn how to be happy by ourselves first and stand firmly on our own feet. We should not allow anyone to have so much power over us to take that away from us.

      Sorry, my posts are always a bit too long.

      • Patty says:

        Karla that’s how I feel. I’ve only been with him a few months and he’s become so much a part of my life but he has small kids at home and I can’t be part of them losing their father. Nor do I want to ruin his marriage. I am going on day five or no contact and it’s horrible. But I know it’s best.

      • Cathy says:

        Hi Forget-Me-Not,
        Your posts aren’t to long, you have something to say and it makes me feel better to read it! Thank you for responding, you are so right, they are cowards…selfish also, or they would realize how they were hurting us. We are the lucky ones, even though we don’t feel like it! 🙂 Ty for responding.

    • Trying to move on says:

      Hi Cathy,
      I’ve written several posts on this website and after I read yours felt compelled to respond. Everything you described is my married man and our situation to a tee. He has been in a sexless marriage for years bc he no longer has any physical attraction to his wife. She has put on a significant amount of weight (I mean very unhealthy like 100 lbs overweight) and even though he has encouraged her to change her eating habits and work out she does nothing. This has been an issue for five plus years. I’m not blaming her bc I think it takes two to tango and in every relationship there are two parties at play. They have children in the prime of their lives, cars, a house, other assets and mutual friends. He is approaching fifty and says divorce would put them in financial ruins, devastate the kids and potentially risk him losing the support of his family.

      While I do believe there is truth to what your married man and my married man have told us, I also think we need to remember that they have not honored their commitment of “for better or for worse”. We’re merely a distraction and a bandaid to a much bigger problem. I don’t believe it’s black and white. Not every person sets out to be malicious and hurt others. I’ve tried breaking it off numerous times and like you get the begging, pleading and threats of wanting to kill himself. This situation has made me crazy. I’ve fallen into a depression and my anxiety has been unbearable. I used to workout regularly, meditate in the morning, give my undivided attention to friends/family when we’re together. Now I’m like an obsessed, insane woman checking my phone every ten minutes for a message. He can call or text whenever he desires but I’m not permitted to bc his wife might see. It’s so inequitable and after our last encounter and how he treated me the next day I finally had enough. I’m embarrassed by my reaction and wish I had kept my composure but sometimes shit needs to hit the fan. These relationships rarely if ever end peacefully and I knew I was going to lose it. I blocked his phone number and email address so now the only way he can reach me is through work IM. I’ve prepared a response if he tries to reconnect.

      I’m curious how long you have been in no contact and how you ended things permanently? I’m excited to get my life back and return to my true self. Even just after two days of no contact I miss his messages and phone calls but if someone can only give 10% of themselves what are we all really losing here? I won’t miss the emptiness after he left to go home to this family for the evening or hearing about the vacation they have lined up to travel around Europe. Holidays, birthdays, weekends alone… No dinners, holding hands in the street, taking vacations together, movie nights and sleepovers. Why is this so hard when we got so little from them?

      I wish everyone here all the love, support and strength possible. If I could go back… I’ve learned a very valuable lesson and truly believe there are no winners here, only survivors.

      • Cathy says:

        Oh my goodness Trying, when I read your post it made me tear up and cry! It is so similar, I just can’t believe it! I too have fallen into a depression and have had so much anxiety in the last three years, that there are days I feel like I am going to have a heart attack!

        When i wrote the post, I had been away from him for almost two weeks..he went on vacation with his wife! I set in my mind that I was done, this was it. When I wrote the post, I felt so good and so strong for the first time since we met. I felt like I had my life back on track.

        Sadly, the day after, I started feeling totally depressed and weak and contacted him! It’s like my brain and heart just went crazy and I saw myself typing to him (email) and couldn’t stop myself! I now know how it feels to have a drug or drinking addiction, except mine is to him. I literally could not stop myself! I was so mad at myself after I sent it.

        We are talking again and I told him about what I wrote and how I felt. It’s my fault, I had begged him to stay away and he was finally listening to me and I blew it! I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I have never been like this before, I have always been so in control of myself 🙁

        I’m sorry to all that read my post, I am weaker than I had hoped to be 🙁

    • Heartbreak says:

      Karla, you asked me how long I was in pain for. I was with him for 9 years, eight were good and the last one year was just series of breakups and getting back for few weeks then breaking up again. The final breakup was November 2016, so it’s just been three months. I am still in pain. Not like I used to be, it’s not a blind agony anymore, but it’s like a constant ache and because I work with him, I see him all the time and that’s not really the best thing when you are trying to move on after a breakup. Sometimes I feel that if he had died I would have found it easier to move on than this. But this time the breakup is for good, I just cannot bear how dysfunctional it had become towards the end. I feel that because of how it ended, all my lovely memories are tarnished forever. Anyway he is not the guy I fell in love with and had the beautiful memories with, his soul just died and I don’t recognize the person that walks in his body and looks through his eyes.

      • Karla says:

        Heartbreak, I wanna call him so bad and tell him How I feel but I know he wont give a f**** after he screamed to me that he loved her. Its been 6 days and im working and all of a sudden memories come back and my tears come out. 9yrs for you is alot. I woulnt stand to work with him. Does he look at u when u are at work? Not even a hi???. My ex married man left his work like 2 yrs ago cause he didnt want to continue there and my dum quite the job too. So to him as was loyal cause I was right behind him but I was for 2 yrs with job. He pushed me to apply where Im working now and thank god I got the job. He motivated me to apply. He told me since day 1 that he wasn’t going to leave his wifey and I agreed. I try to tell myself it was always the intimacy that kept us together. Im doubting his love now.

  8. Anne says:

    Ive written in here on this site a good few months back now and have always kept up to date in with all you brave womens comments, now more than ever because I once again find myself back at square one.. long story short, a married man persued me, we have what you would refer to as an online romance/affair/fling there really is no words to it.. but the same thing happens over and over and it is as plain as the nose on my face that I am and have been taken for a ride end of.. even though we only met up the once for a very brief and uneventual fumble as what I would call it.. that was almost a year ago now and he has been persueing me for two years.. he is a best friend of a family member of mine and he is married with a baby, I on the other hand should know better as am six years older than him, and have teens and am single, my choice split from the kids dad a year and half ago, never the right relationship for either of us.. anyhow what I would really like to ask all of you women out there is why oh why do I keep on going around in this stupid pathethic circle.. ??? it is beyond me it really and truly is.. I can nearly KNOW what he is going to say to me next.. here is my pattern here and I really am apologising to all you readers out there in advance in the hope you havnt fallen asleep reading and listening to me so far.. lol, so yes here is my pattern, he contacts me 99% only through text message and it is usually if not ALWAYS on either of a Friday, Saturday evening and late in the evening when Wife gone to bed or he in his friends having a beer or whatever and it is the same he will say he loves me, he misses me, I’m his soulmate, he cannot stop thinking about me, I’m such a babe (his words not mind ha), how did we come to this, blah blah blaaahhh blah blahhhh.. anywhoo, depending on which mood I’m in I would generally go along with the crap and reply and next day you would not even hear from him as obviously wakes up with hangover and Wife around etc.. my reply is ALWAYS please stop contacting me as I have morals and if you are single look me up etc.. as I do have self respect.. then nothing for a week or so and hes back again with the pathetic texting.. it has gone so bad now that he has said he knows that I’m his soulmate and he rang me recently to speak and I wouldn’t answer as he was away at the time on business and I wasn’t gonna be used for a phone call as it was convenient for him.. I told him it wasn’t convenient and he said sorry.. last text from him was quite confusing as he said you were right, we both need to be single to give us a proper go..wtf? seriously anyhow, I am so annoyed with myself for continuing in this circle can anybody please pleaaaassseeeee tell me how to stop before I go insane as it is really the equivalent of being on a horrible emotional turmoil of a merrygoround.. not cool.. thanks.

    • Karla says:

      Hi Anne, he gonna text u when he want some from u, the best thing is to block him and ignore him. Trust me its hurts, I feel like my world is going to end.. I even want to go look for him but then I think how we broke up and repeatedly told me that he loves his wife. I think he did it to push me away. So far its working because never ever with 6 yrs of being together did he tell me that.

    • Heartbreak says:

      Hi Anne. If you had written in a few months ago and are still on the same roundabout, that’s a shame. Why do you leave the door open for the married man? See it just doesn’t seem like an affair that is even worthy of your second glance, what is this creep giving you? Except a drunken text now and then. The only way, the only ever way, is to block him. Block him on whatsapp, email, Facebook, phone, everything. Don’t reply back saying don’t contact me, show him you mean business. See one thing I have learnt the hard way is this . And I would really really advice everyone who is going through an affair to follow this. The moment you feel your married man is dicking you around, break up with them. Do it yourself, don’t wait for them to break up with you. The difference between being the dumper and the sense of rejection that being a dumped person brings is so much. The difference in your psyche when you do the break up instead of waiting to be dumped is the difference between heaven and hell. It helps you take your power back from the get go and the road to recovery is less rocky than if you keep the back and forth. Been there, done that. Don’t take his texts seriously, he isn’t even giving you the basics of trust, care and respect, forget above love. Be strong, there is no way you deserve this, these online affairs are really a disservice to women in my opinion. You deserve roses and warm hugs and hand holding, not this.

      • Sim says:

        Totally agree with heartbreak on being the one who said goodbye first. It’s not a race but it will make a huge difference and it will effect how you manage the post-break up feelings. If you are the one who decides it, u will come out strong and though there’ll still be sadness, you know you can cope with it because after all, it’s your decision. If you let yourself in the situation of being dumped (like mine), you would definitely go through all the worst feelings of being rejected, left, disrespected, abandoned, unloved, and lonely. And the worst part is you can’t do anything about it because it’s not even your decision. It’s his. And you struggle to get back the attention just to take back a little ego but he keeps ignoring you, which makes the situation worse. So yeah, gather all your strengths, cut it before it cuts you.

  9. lifelessons says:

    I can’t even eat or sleep without the aid of those drugs. I’m slowly deteriorating. I always judged women who had affairs with married men, and I know people who have never been in this situation who would say I deserve what I’m getting. I was one of those people. Judging others is such a cruelty. One good thing from this experience is to teach me never to judge anyone unless you walk in their shoes.
    This site is full of compassionate women.
    Heartbreak, I will heed your advise. I will hang in there. If you’ve been through the worst, then maybe so can I.

  10. lifelessons says:

    Thank you, heartbreak, for those sweet and encouraging words. I cried reading them.
    I understand when you say that this passes, but how long does it take? The pain is always there, doesn’t lessen no matter what I do, where I go, who I talk to. It’s always there in my chest, eating me alive from the inside. I even tried blocking him but unblocked him a few hours later yesterday. I’m so pathetic. I long for this married man. I think about him every single second. He’s the first thing that pops into my mind when I wake up and the reason I cry myself to sleep. He’s even in my dreams sometimes. I can’t escape him. The worst thing is I can’t entirely avoid him because I have to see him several times a week. It doesn’t help. I always look forward to seeing him, even though I know there won’t be any personal encounters.
    He seems so unaffected. Like he’s moving on without the slightest regret. God, it’s hurts. Everyday, it hurts. I often wonder if he even thinks about me. Even only for a few minutes in his days. Does he long for me sometimes when he sees me? Did he lose interest really or is his conscience eating him up too much for him to continue seeing me anymore?
    He truly is a good man. Good people do bad things, right? I mean, I did a bad thing by knowingly getting involved with a married man in the first place. I knew this, but the heart wants what it wants.
    I was always a bit depressive before we met, but I had it under control. Still, he got me out of the rut. Helped me through it. He made me feel like there truly was a reason to live. And now that he’s kind of rejecting me, I’m having a down-spiral like never before. I’m worse than I’ve ever been. Only he can fix me. Only he can save me, but he won’t.
    So how long does it take to get over a married man? I didn’t go to work today because I can hardly function. Slept the whole day with the aid of the pills. Sleep seems to be the only escape. When I woke up, I simply took another one to put me right back to sleep. I’m going to take another one soon, just for a few more hours of peace.
    I can’t talk to anyone about this. It will just make things worse. So I found myself here.
    I am deeply in love with someone who doesn’t want me back.
    Heartbreak, and all the others who’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel, you are incredibly strong to have achieved that.
    I don’t think I am.

  11. Karla says:

    Im so heartbroken right now and angry. I feel like I can’t breath and it feels my world is going to end. I had an affair for 6 years with this married man I met from work. He even applied somewhere else and started working there. We broken up so many times and got back together but now its really over. He got his sister involved and she told me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and to leave him alone that it was over. I called him and he didnt want to talk to me at all. I called him 20xs he told me he loved his wife and that I wasn’t treating him no more with respect. All I told him he was changing that I needed more time from him, At least 1 per week. I would drive to his work for lunch and thats how we kept it hidden for 6 years. I never called him at home or his personal # that why he got a prepaid cell phone and left it at work. I know it was wrong but he would made me feel loved, he would tell me my body was perfect with stretch marks. He made me feel good about myself. Will I ever find someone like him? Or to make me feel good?

    • Heartbreak says:

      Hi Karla. Just wanted to give you some support. I know how hard it is to break from a long term affair. The making up an breaking up just overall makes the dynamics of an already unhealthy relationship worse. And if the man is worth it, the most we should do is give them a second chance if we have both agreed to change the unhealthy patterns and behaviors. No man deserves one single chance beyond that. See we affair partners make waves, we want changes, we make demands and have expectations. That is why these mm go back to wifey and play house, it’s their way of escape. It’s easier to ignore you and pretend you don’t exist, than to face up to their own less than optimal behavior. You will find some one better than him, why would you want some one like him, he broke up with you.

      • Karla says:

        Thank you, heartbreaker when will this pain will go away? My anxiety will kick in tommorow thats when he goes back to work.

  12. Feeble Heart says:

    I feel I really need help.. Read some of the comments and somehow it hurts, makes me feel uncomfortable. I love this guy for about 5-6 years now. Broke up with him when his wife was expecting.. it lasted about 1 year, but now he is back in my life. I can’t really share this with my friends, they once helped me to break up with him.. we’re back dating each other (secretly of course) for the past year now. But I’m tired of being treated like a doormat.. me always begging for his attention.. he ‘taking me’ when he is available and when convenient to him.
    I’m not sure to love him anymore, but he’s like always drawing me to him. He always comes up being a friend and showing some weakness and me always ending helping him.. then the circle is on until I feel fed up.. then him drawing me again. I am tired of this situation I’m like stuck up in life..personal and professional.

    I wonder what next 🙁

    • Feeble Heart says:

      It hurts to know he will continue living his life happily and as if nothing happened. I can’t stand the fact that he actually will live without me. When the fact is he already is living without me. I don’t hold any importance in his life, never did infact despite all i did for him.

    • Karla says:

      Im starting to get this anxiety that I would go look for him and waited 3 hours to come out from lunch. We would fix like that but now I cant. I have dignity but this feeling is horrible of my anxiety. I keep looking at time his break is almost coming up he would call me. Dont know how to stop this anxiety: (

    • Sim says:

      HI Feeble Heart,
      I know how it is because I was in your shoes. I was in a relationship with a married man for nearly 2 years and we were in love head over heels. We are each other’s soulmate, we are everything to each other. The thing is, this man, he was engaged when we met. We could’t resist the love for each other so we continued and fell even deeper in love when he got married and after he got married. It hurts me because when thinking back, I reckon he’s never chosen me from the beginning, he could have a chance but he got married anyway and what he always said to me is he was sorry he couldn’t be with me 100% of his time, that he was not 100% mine although he loved me with all his hurt. He wife recently got pregnant and she found out about us the 2nd time, and that’s when he said goodbye, that’s when I learn who is more important in his life. When it comes to final decision, he still chooses his wife over me, his unborn daughter over me, his family over me. He knows how devastated I am, and how much pain it caused me but he walked straight away, to keep his own happiness. He got rid of me to keep his own family. I’m sharing with you my own story because it’s a way to remind me of the truth, and not to just remember all the good times we had. It’s hard but i’ve made it 2 months without him. It hurts everyday, I miss him every, and I love him dearly. But I just know I can stop contacting him and that’s I’m on the right track, although it hurts like hell. I close my eyes, cry the tears, and keep walking ahead. Tomorrow is another day and I’m sure someday, i don’t know when, everything will be better. Stay strong.

  13. cathy says:

    I feel like this site is helping me so much. I come on and read the stories every time I feel down about him, It makes me realize that there isn’t such thing as a loving, special or fairytale ending when you are involved with a married man. They are so selfish, they don’t even care, or realize how much they destroy us! They aren’t worthy of our love! 🙁

    • Su says:

      I’m trying to see it this way. He may say he cares or loves me. Ok then. Why don’t I hear from you more often. You see how I hurt. Bottom line is they are selfish. And he isn’t mine to demand anything from. I hate this. He is in Hawaii with his family. I keep checking fb to see if anything posts. He’s never said he’s leaving her nor do I want him to. So why am I still aching for him? I’m 47. Ive been around long enough to know better.

  14. LearningFromYouAll says:

    Hello ladies,

    I keep reading each and every story posted here. Maybe I would like to offer you a more positive perspective of yourselves and your situation here 🙂
    Almost in each story, I read things like I was nothing to him, he didnt care, he didnt love me, I wasted a lot of time waiting for him and so on. Here are also a lot of extremes, like some mms went as far as restricting you from several things (starting with what you should wear up to meeting and spending time with your families).
    I know you are going through a hell right now- because you all loved them too much and gave your souls in the relationships! I know! Been there done that. I left my married man very soon, because I knew what was going to happen, because I learned from you all. I did….but the break ups are all the same, so I know how you are feeling just because I experienced several break ups myself.
    Please keep in mind that just the fact you loved someone and gave them your heart is nothing bad. This happens. Love is never wrong. People we love sometimes are just not the right ones to receive our attention and care. There are two things I am more than sure about.
    1. Hell yes the married men are missing you! Of course they are thinking of you and about what you gave them. If you spend several years seeing somebody and being in touch with them daily – of course they will. The truth here is that they were cowards and took an easier path to deal with the situation. Men like their comfort zones – making changes is extremely hard. To be honest, I wouldnt be feeling sorry for myself if a relationship with mm ended – I would be sorry for him…their relationships with their wives are broken. They will be unhappy bastards until the rest of their lives. Yes, they can play happy families and happy married couples – but the fact they had you ladies means there was something wrong in their marriages, something was missing there and you were providing them with what was missing. If they decided to stay with their wives – ok. Time to move on and make yourself happy!! 🙂 It is all what matters now. They will live in pitty and guilt for the rest of their lives… I dont know about you, but I would prefer to be single and happy, other than living their lives 🙂 Dont wanna generalize tough, there are exceptions to every rule.
    2. Do YOUR things now! You are free! Somewhere I read that one lady got a new pair of high heels- great start! I got a new jacket, and an ice cream (spent my Valentines with my ice cream – and you know what? IT FELT GREAT!). Do things you couldnt while you were seeing the married man. I know it sounds like a cliche…but it truly works. Make yourself beautiful every day and just be happy, try to smile! Meet friends, family, talk about it, …I know you are broken to pieces – but life goes on and it is what we make it to be! Prepare yourselves to love and to be loved again and it will come.

    I dont wanna play smart on you, of course not, I am just trying to help and get you in a more positive mood about yourselves. You went through so many hard situations that you deserve the best from now on!

    And yes, I do miss my married man, too. But he is not worth my tears.

    Sorry if any mistakes again, Im not a native speaker 🙂

    TAKE CARE and BE HAPPY!!!

    • Melissa says:

      You rock. I loved your post, and you’re absolutely right. This forum here helps me out so much every day. Much love.

      • LearningFromYouAll says:

        Hey Melissa,

        I am so happy to hear that!! :)) Let’s be positive rather than self-destructive!
        There are so many beautiful and nice things in our lives, we just have to see and enjoy them again…step by step. Hugs to you!

    • Forget-me-not says:

      Great post and much needed positivity. As much as it brings some relief to be able to relate to how we are all suffering and how we are not alone going through this, it is so good to come across encouraging posts. Thank you. I enjoyed reading yours and it put a smile on my face.

  15. Lucy J. says:

    Hello everyone… after searching google, i came across this site on how to break up with a married man and started to read everyones comments.. i have never told anyone about this… but felt that you are all so supportive and helpful that this is the right place….

    at the age of 18 i met a man…. im now 28… he is late 40’s himself, so big age gap too.

    ive been with him putting up with everything for 10 years almost…

    i want to break free from the heartache, the pain and suffering that his marriage has created… all the things i have had to put on hold for him… my life as an adult has only known what our relationship offers…. i dont know anything other than him and our restricted times of seeing each other and being together…

    if he was someone i could easily break from i would have done this by now…. he tells me he wants to be with me, but he is married and has three children and this is the excuse i always get, the children… they are now teenagers, i feel guilty… i want to settle down and have normal things with someone who really wants to be with me… and as much as i know he wants me.. my heart tells me he wants his family too…

    his wife hangs around, calls him daily, he want talk to her infront of me… he tells me that they dont have a seual relationship and just a friendship, but yet in 10 years wont leave her..

    if i dont break away from this now , i know he wont…

    problem i have, he is my boss too… i dont want to give up my job, again its all i have ever known…

    does anyone know how i can break away from this relationship with a married man as nicely as possible but he can still be part of my life because of work?!… i mean as much as it will hurt, my heart has hurt so much over these 10 years that to be honest i feel ready to walk away from the secret relationship….

    for the last two years i have had so many arguments about the situation with him, told him i want to be loved and made to feel special… he tells me he knows… he tells me he wants things to change too… i like to think after all these years i know him well, and i do feel sorry and sad for him too, i know we both want to be together, but it hasnt happened properly in 10 years… so my heart and head tell me i need to leave this situation as its affecting the person that i want to be…

    if any of you can give me any advise i would really really appreciate it… i dont know how best to speak with him about this… what to say…. i know we will both be sad… but our relationship isnt like it used to be anymore, this is down to the situation we are in and how all the lies and secrets and times apart and holidays apart etc etc just get on top of us…. the romance isnt there anymore either… i feel the last few months for sure i have wanted to protect myself and started to hold back a lot more… i thought this would make him try harder to sort the situation out… but i asked him outright last week when will he be with me, he doesnt know. he cant answer me.
    i asked him to tell me when does he think he will know, again he doesnt know, he cant answer me.
    he asked me what do i want to do, what do i want from him.
    i told him, but he cant give me what i want, he has tried his best, as have i.
    but i know i will never be number one in his life and thats really what i want…

    thank you for listening and i look forward to having any replies, Lucy x

    • Melissa says:

      Hey Lucy,

      He’s never leaving her. Tell him that you’re going to have a conversation with his wife and see what is going to happen. I assure you he will choose her. I did this recently. I put my foot down and said hats it I’m telling her -you’re MY man. The response I got was, please don’t tell her I’m going to work things it with her. And the fact he doesn’t have a sexual relationship, well, think about hat. They may not do it often but they do do it.

    • Heartbreak says:

      Hi Lucy J. That’s a long time you have been with this guy, ten years, whoa! You put ten years of your life on hold for him. I had been with my mm for nine years myself, but I am married too so there was no question of leaving our spouses and kids, it was just that he completed me in a way my husband never could, and we were more of friends than lovers anyway. If I had my way we could have continued like this for the rest of our lives, we had reached a wonderful level of understanding and were so comfortable together. But life got in the way, he had too many stresses and he couldn’t continue. He broke up with me suddenly and refused to talk at all about it, being escapist and a coward, and that’s something I hate him for. But you are single, you shouldn’t keep hanging on like that. He won’t leave his wife, they never do. There is no nice way to break up, affairs are always very messy to get out of. If you are already feeling the distance between you, take your courage and break up with him yourself, before he breaks up with you. That way the sense of rejection is much less and it’s easier to bear than being the dumpee, like I was. I now wish that I had initiated the break up, because the sense of rejection I felt was something that was really really hard to come to terms with. Please let go of him. There is life after an affair. You are young and will find a guy more worthy of all the love you have in your heart. Working with an ex is the pits, but it is possible to conduct yourself with dignity and do only limited contact required in your line of work. No hanging about, no personal talk, no long looks. Just focus on your work and the moment you finish your day, run out and go home. Draw support from friends,go to the gym, join yoga, travel. Do your thing and take each day as it comes. I hope that helps.

    • LearningFromYouAll says:

      Hi Lucy,

      10 years…omg. 10!! He isnt leaving for sure. That was the bad news 🙂 The good news is that you are 28, with your life and possibilities ahead. Dump that married man and live your life and find your own happiness with a guy for whom you will be a center of his universe.
      I am not saying it will be easy, after that much time. But trust me, you can do so much better than being only an affair. You will go through hell after break up but definitely worth saving your life and time from this affair! 🙂

  16. Broken hearted says:

    I am feeling the same way you girls are feeling right now. I am doing no contact 1 month now and god its so hard. I am dying inside. I am so hurt that he used me i thought that what we have is special but i found out that all my gifts he is asking his wife to pay them and its becomes his wife’s gifts wherein i paid for all of those in cash. 🙁 when i found out instead of saying sorry he discarded me. But i am showing him that i am moving on and im in no contact for a month and 1 week now. He didnt bother to contact me at all and showing me also that he is moving on as well and it really breaks my heart. I am nothing to him.

    • Feeble Heart says:

      Yes, It literally kills you they will manage to live without you even after to have done so much for them. And it seems easier for married men to move on. They have their spouse whereas we fools have committed to them completely! 🙁

      • Sim says:

        It’s true Feeble heart, the worst pain is they can live happily without you. They do it effortlessly as if nothing had ever happened between the you and them. They smile, they are with their wives, say loving words, living the dream lives while we are sitting here missing them. How could married men be so cruel?

  17. Grace says:

    Dumped by a married lover almost a year ago. Still miss him, still love him. See him at work he everyday but we don’t communicate… who knows when this pain will be over.

  18. fiona says:

    How did everyone get on yesterday? I cracked open the champagne that’s been in my cupboard for months, and toasted some not very nice things. That didn’t help really.
    I wish I knew a way to feel all the things that I know. I know he isn’t worth all this pain, I know he isn’t the person I thought he was, I know I deserve better and that ultimately I’m better off without all the drama and mental torture he brought into my life. I saw all these things to myself, and I know they make sense, but I can’t feel them.
    I’ve seen 2 counsellors, and it didn’t help. It’s been 5 months since it ended, though it’s less than that for me as I didn’t know for the first while. How long is normal? I still feel blown to bits every day.

    • Sim says:

      Hi Fiona, I’m writing you because believe, I’m feeling the way you do. Every morning I wake up, I ask myself “Why is it feeling the same”, “Why hasn’t it lessened any bit”, every night I come home, I miss him and I wonder what he is doing, whether he’s thinking of me too. Everything you have written, we both know them, that the married man is not worth, that he’s not ours, that he’s not ever coming back, but we keep missing them. But we don’t know how to get rid of them. And all that’s left is loneliness and bitterness. We should go through all of the comments of the ladies here, they have helped me a lot. I don’t feel any better any days, and I miss him dearly. It’s been nearly 2 months for me, and I ask the same question, how long is enough? because I’m not ready to let go, and he’s all over my mind everyday, every second, whether I’m busy or not, whether I’m alone or with friends, whenever I am, wherever I am. this is some kind of obsession that I’m starting to scared that it becomes a sickness. Fiona, I well understand it, and I can share with you everyday, any time, because writing is the only way for me to let it all out, and having all of you here listening and replying me is the way to cure. I keep writing here how much I miss him and the time we had, sometimes pretending I was writing to him, except that I’m not and he’ll never know how I still love him. I don’t want him to know that I’m craving for him, that I’m missing him , because what’s the point of loving someone who doesn’t love you back? Why does he get the attention while I don’t? Why he’s had it all while I’m losing it all? I want him to question, to wonder, to miss me, I want he to taste it too. Hang on there Fiona, and keep writing here to us.

      • fiona says:

        Thank you Sim, everything you write feels so familiar to me. It’s been really helpful actually reading everything here, because it’s helping me to see what a stereotype he was. For years I believed that we were different, even now I still feel that sometimes and think ‘he has to come back because what we had was SO different’. But reading all the stories here is making me realise that this is the norm. We’re all going through the same hell, and it’s going to get better because all we did was believe in someone. They are the ones that have something wrong with them – I sometimes say that out loud in the car…’there’s something wrong with him’
        Stay strong xx

    • Brown girl says:

      I was alright on Valentine’s Day during the day. By the time it got to 9pm, I started getting a sinking feeling. By midnight I decided I would call him in the morning (couldn’t call him at that hour since his wife would be around) and just be casual and breezy and ask him how he’s doing (I’ve been no contact since exactly a month). I woke up with the feeling too, but i got busy with work and the feeling left me shortly. It’s so easy to relapse. I can’t believe a whole month of work and working on myself and telling myself I’m better than that would be down the drain. It’s only via this forum and a few blogs that I gain back some perspective and can tell myself “there’s no point, let it go.” One day at a time I suppose. It’s so hard. I really cannot relapse, I won’t forgive myself, it’ll be the biggest ego boost for him and really show zero integrity from my end.

      • fiona says:

        A month isn’t really that long, you sound like you’re getting stronger already. Well done for not calling.

    • Heartbreak says:

      Hello to Fiona, Sim, LittleFrenchie, Melissa, Rebecca, Brown girl, Forget me not, Learning from you all, Cathy, Miku. I hope I didn’t miss any of the names of the lovely women who are sharing their feelings these days. Valentine’s Day was a really bad day for me, I kept thinking of all the previous ones and I couldn’t reconcile to the deafening silence of this year. Actually I was foolish enough to send a card with a wish and got a big fat ignore for my efforts. So what I have realized is that any form of contact, even the most innocuous or well meaning one, just bites us in the backside. Because I doubt the men we direct all this attention to really feel the uncertainity, the tenuous hope, the fragile emotions behind our simple contact. Today I feel bad for giving in to the urge to send the wish and the card, I might have saved myself a bit of self loathing, and hatred towards him. I want to stay positive and I am really trying so hard. These negative spirals just make me feel so tired at times. And the worse thing is that i work with my ex, so even though I hardly engage with him and keep contact to a minimum, only I know how my heart beats and my breath catches when I see him. And how my eyes surreptitiously search for a glimmer of warmth in his. Even if no one else can know it, I do, and it feels pathetic to me.

      • Patty says:

        I feel ya. Told him Monday not to say he loves me or cares since he didn’t check on me all weekend and Monday morning I get a , how are you kid, asking how I’m handling chemo. If you cared you would’ve messaged me over the weekend or even a bit more during the week. So this morning I caved and asked does he really have nothing to say. Responds with I have a lot to say. And I know as I type this he is on route to Hawaii with his wife and kids. Why do I even bother. He was one of my best friends for a few months and it’s killing me not to chat. I know there’s no happy ending here. I don’t want him to leave his kids. I just so miss his attention. Which of course lessened once I slept with him. What the heck is wrong with me?!

      • Miku says:

        Hello heartbreak.. thank you for such words. And to everyone here.. today i got out of bed talked to a friend who knows my situation and had the same hellish cycle i am at the moment. I asked her how she did move on. And she said stop all contacts. Never answer his calls. And inside me i felt encouraged and strong and willed i wont. Then for a second i remembered i told him i know it is hard for him to call me and i said it will be fine if he can’t and i will understand that. Then she laughed and said so why are you waiting?? Since you gave him the right to perfectly ignore you. Like you are some woman who understands every bit of his foolish acts that you will be there waiting for him.. then i realized yeah she is right all of this time i do wait for him.. every fight we had whenenever he calls from a split second im fine. Everytime i break up with him he’d say you can’t waste years of this relationship because of money.. My effort spending time with you is that not enough? (Since he left and followed his wife i guess i can say NO) and today i ended up commenting on one of his public posts in facebook and when i checked it again.. Pooofff it was gone. I expected he would get my message to call me. But it didnt happen. Good thing is i became brave after the talk we had with my friend. She encouraged me to get busy. Remember things you hate about him and keep repeating those thoughts in your mind. And try to hate him. In a way it did help me. I didnt checked in my other phone like every minute and i used to hang my phone beside my bed. I left it hanging somewhere and placed it in silent mode. Everyday is still feel the pain and anguish.. but today i adked a simple prayer. Just jet the pain go away.. days from now my husband will be home. I hope that too can make my heart change and my mind settled.. keep sending thoughts and strengthe drawn from each one of us is amazing. It really helps me thinking that we were victims of love that we are great women! That after this tremor and delusion we all are stronger people than before.. i may dont know you but i love you all! Keep fighting!

      • fiona says:

        Heartbreak, next time you’re about to write or send something to him, come on here and we’ll talk you out of it. I’ve written twice, and it made me feel like dirt. It’s like you’re giving your power away, it just makes you feel so much worse. Anytime I feel like reaching out to him now I make myself remember how sending the letters made me feel, how being ignored made me feel. And worst of all how it reminded him that I was thinking of him, which handed him the power to ignore me. Never again. Rip it up, burn it, but don’t send it!

      • lifelessons says:

        I can’t believe how much I relate to most of these comments here. I’ve been single since I was born abd never been involved with a man until my married man. I’m 24, and he is more than 10 years older than me. He has been married for more than ten years. I’ve been involved with him for a little less than a year. The first few months were wonderful, even though I sometimes had to deal with the crushing guilt of betraying his wife. He was always so caring, assuring me, comforting me when I had doubts about us, and successfully convincing me to stay with him when I wanted to end it. These were the months of I agreed to rendezvous with him, and we shared extremely intimate moments, but I would never permit him to penetrate me. He showered me with attention, told me he loved me everyday, told me I was special and he had never let anyone in like he did me. He said the sweetest things, made me truly feel like I mattered. Over the months, he started becoming distant. I asked him about it and he said that it’s because he gets very occupied as his line of work can be very demanding at times. I know this much is true. Because of this I let it slide. He told me he could never intentionally neglect me. Fast forward to the day I finally gave him my virginity. As soon as he was done with me, he wanted to leave. He had put me under the impression that we would spend time together that day, but he was only interested in sex. I cried in front of him because I felt so used. He seemed surprised. Anyway, he told me that it was never his intention to make me feel used and that he honestly had to leave as there were matters he had to attend to. From that day, though, things started to take a downfall. Less calls. Less texts. We never met again to this day. He actually goes so far as to ignore my texts. I asked him about it about two weeks ago. He said he was just too busy. I once asked him where I stand with him and he said that nothing has changed. That he values my companionship and that I still occupy the same space in his heart. Last week, I texted him and he ignored me. The whole week passed and I thought screw this, I’m done with him. But I gave in yesterday. His responses were so curt, so brief. Like he was irritated by my texts. I was stunned. He has changed so much. I have cried so much over the past weeks . It feels like death how this man is hurting me. He lured me in and now he is discarding me like worthless trash. So after his curt responses, I sent him a long text finally telling him how he constantly breaks my heart with his behaviour and basically just ending it. This was last night. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It hurts not only in my chest, but my entire body. It hurts even more because he didn’t even bother to respond. I just want to die. I’m at work now but i’m hardly coping. How could he do this to me after he repeatedly promised he would never hurt me? What do I do? How do I get through this?

      • Forget-me-not says:

        Ah, we are just too selfless and men are too self-centered. That does not mean they do not suffer. Men are just overall much better at detaching themselves from what stresses them or what has no benefit to them. They can shut it out for self-preservation. We carry everything with us all the time. Take good care and love yourself Heartbreak. It is after all the greatest love of all. We need to listen to our soul and body and be kind to ourselves. Getting hurt and giving love to someone who makes us miserable is not being kind and is definitely pain inflicting. We deserve better because we are good hearted and loving.

      • Sim says:

        Hey Heartbreak, don’t be so harsh on yourself. I was there too, I was too hurt, and I was in so much pain and I wanted to reach out to him to let him know how devastated I was,to let him know how much I missed him. There was time I felt like I couldn’t hold on anymore, I broke down completely. No matter how hard I tried, I felt dead inside. We had this shared blog, and I wrote him so many times, I sent him offline messages. He read and replied and said he was in pain and how much he missed me too, but then I realized it doesn’t mean anything. Those are just words. When I cried every night, he was not there, when I was sad, he was not there. And he never reached out to me first, why should I? He’s happy with his wife, and I still chase after him, how come?
        Listen to me, you could do whatever you want – write him, call him, text him, chase after him – do it if you feel like it. But then you will realize it won’t change a thing, and you will gradually adjust your behavior when you think of the result. It’s completely fine to act that way. I still sometimes write to that shared blog, only now I write the entry then delete it so that i can let it out but it never reaches him. I’ve stayed out of contact for a full 2 weeks and I start to feel like I can do it because I’m doing it. Sometimes you just need to live through the pains, close your eyes, cry, hold on to something/anything, let the time slowly slip away until someday you start to realize all you have to do is..do it, walk away because that’s the only choice you have. I’m still in that process. And I hope you are with me too. Hugs!

    • Trying to move on says:

      Congrats on 5 months. I assume that means no contact whatsoever. I’ve implemented that starting today. He sent me roses and chocolates for valentines but I didn’t see him nor could we do dinner or spend the night together. We spent a few measly hours last Thurs and then Fri he completely ignored me. I thought it was so disrespectful and thoughtless to be intimate and not say a word the next day. I’ve had it and even though I feel like complete $hit about myself I wrote a list of all the negatives of this half a$$ crappy relationship. Write down all the times you felt sad and let down by him. I also dealt with the drama and mental torture. It’s hell on earth. I’m glad I found this site although I don’t wish this on anyone. Worst experience of my life. I’ve been drinking heavily to escape while he gets the comfort and security of family. All I have to tell myself is that if things were so great at home they wouldn’t have sought an emotional and physical affair with someone else. Don’t be fooled ladies. Their home life isn’t so hunky dory.

  19. Forget-me-not says:

    So it’s Valentine’s Day and it really is just another day but it is ironic that today of all days I feel like the ground just crumbled under my feet. It’s been three months since I told my MM of almost 5 years out of which he lived with me for over 2, that it’s enough, he cannot be going back to visit his kids, stay under the same roof as his wife and pretend that I don’t exist, sneak out to call me and play family. He had promised me for so long that he will do the right thing. And since that day, when I had enough, it’s just been one long nightmare. He ended up staying there instead of coming back home and said that he will clean up his mess so that we can be together but his kids need him. He was supposed to come over so many times so that we can talk and he could tell me his plans and what’s going on but each time, he delays and delays and ends up cancelling which kills me. He must have done that at least 8 times in those 3 months. The disappointment of him not coming, of not feeling the same need and urge to be by my side and the lack of respect toward me is just unbearable. The worst is, he ended up telling his kids and wife about me and how he wants to be with me which was a huge step forward. Last week he even made a short trip for me and my kids to meet one of his sons, which was even a bigger step forward but I only saw him for about an hour and he left without us having a chance to talk properly. Now he is back there since. He told me he will come back this Friday so that we can discuss everything and told me he will book his ticket right away. And for a week I’d ask him every day if he booked it yet and every time he replied – no. Today he said he was waiting for some things to clear up before he came which he never told me. He was definitely the one who said he would come but 10 minutes ago, he told me that I was the one who planned the whole thing and he had never agreed to anything and of course – he is not coming. I was feeling anxious and horrible the whole day today and knew something was up. I have his text on my phone to prove him wrong (of course he erases his) and sent it to him. I told him he is making a big mistake. I thought that we were on the right path but once again I am left feeling so foolish and disillusioned. It feels even more tragic because I had such a high hope of things working out. This relationship that was so special to me has become toxic and paralyzing. I think I am starting a depression and I cannot afford that. I am a single mom and have kids who depend on me. I need to end it and only once/if he does clean up his mess will I consider starting over. Just like all of you, I cannot believe that love like that can become so petty. They really have no shame, no respect and no consideration. I am broken and I know that I will eventually recover but today I feel like I will never see the light at the other side of the tunnel.
    I hope all of you had a much better Valentine’s day than I did. Reading all these testimonies and knowing that I am not alone does help a lot.

    • lifelessons says:

      I have sleeping pills prescribed by my doctor. I’m seriously considering to end it. I’ll do anything to end this pain. There really is no way to get through this. Unless maybe there’s some kind of drug any of you may know of, something that numbs the pain? Please help. One way or another, all I know is that I cannot continue living like this. His rejection is too great for me to bear.

      • Heartbreak says:

        Lifelessons. Please stop this. IMMEDIATELY. You will not take pills and you will not end your life. There is a way to get through this, and once you kick this, the sense of self worth and relief is mind blowing. Believe me as someone much older than you. And one who has seen it all. I know how much it hurts, and if I could come to wrap you in a hug I would. Please be strong. Don’t think of the future. Don’t think of tomorrow. Think of getting through today, this present moment. You are so young, you have your life and an amazing man on the other side of this pain. Draw on your friends and even your family if you have to. Your man became distant as soon as he slept with you, it’s horrendous behavior but I guess it’s common enough. You loved him, there is no need to feel shame. We women always give our hearts to these heartless men, and suffer so much. Please get as much support as you can, don’t engage with him. There is NOTHING that he can say which will mean anything, he has shown you who he is. A coward and an asshole. He will not reply, what can he even begin to say in his defense anyway? Please write in when you feel weak. We are all here. All of us are in various stages of recovery. We all understand. We’ve been through what you have, and are living examples of a woman’s innate ability to rise above difficult circumstances. Please hang in there.

      • Forget-me-not says:

        Lifelessons, do not do it. You were existing fine before he was in your life and you can be fine again. Your life is precious and it is yours. Take it one day and one baby step forward at a time. Try to keep a journal where before you go to bed you write 3 good things that you are grateful for in your life. Do that every night before going to bed. Maybe you are suffering from a depression and anxiety so perhaps you should speak to your doctor. Love love love yourself. Take care of yourself and detach from your married man. We have absolutely no control over others but even if it does not always seem like it, we have control over ourselves. Instead of focusing on him focus on yourself. I know it’s all easier said than done, I suffer greatly too, almost all of us do here, but still I know that this pain will pass. I’m not even out of the woods yet, I have some hope but really, reading every post here opened and is still keeping my eyes opened. There is a world outside of the circle in which your love for your married man is holding you captive and the door is there for all of us to walk out. Hugs to you and hugs to all of you brave ladies. You are not alone.

      • Sim says:

        lifelessons. I know it is hard, and believe me when I say I’m trying to survive every single day. I’ve been crying myself to sleep and woke up with swollen eyes, asking myself endlessly every time I opened my eyes “why do I still feel this way?”, why hasn’t it gone yet. I’m half dead, I even wished I had a brain trauma so i could forget every memory of him. Everything was grey to me, everything was tasteless and everyday is like a fight. You see, it’s bloody hard, and it hurts like hell, but coping with it and overcoming this is the only option we have now and it’s by far the best one. There are days I just let the time go slowly, I hold on to my pain, cry, and sleep the day away. Until one day, today, I stop crying though I’m still immensely in sadness, and I start getting used to the fact that I don’t have him anymore. When negative thoughts decrease, the positive ones will emerge and you actually feel “perhaps, I can do it”. These ladies in this blog have helped me a lot, we don’t know each other, but every day I come here, read the stories, share the comments, keep writing here and I know I’m heard and I’m not alone. I still try to cope with my pain, day by day, hours by hours, minutes by minutes. Remember this, if you can do it once, you can do it 2nd time, 3rd time, so let’s believe we could overcome this hardship together. You and me and all of us. Write me back if you can.

      • fiona says:

        Lifelessons I’ve felt this way too – it will pass, just hang on in there with the rest of us. You’ll have good days and bad days, and eventually the good ones are going to come more often…. If these thoughts don’t pass, get yourself back to your doctor asap and tell him.

  20. Melissa says:

    TODAY IS VALENTINES DAY. I was with my married man 2 years and a half. My story is similar to all of yours. Long story short I was about to tell his wife, and he told me that she, and his depression pills, were the only things keeping him alive, and that if I had any of me left in me, to please not tell her. He cried like a coward that he is. I told him I will not be played, and asked why shouldn’t I? Since he’s a veteran at this, why should I NOT be his last? (I’m from the Boogie down Bronx, and boy did it show!). He said I will be his last and that they’ve been having conversations about their platonic relationship, and that she has faith in them, and she understands him…blah blah blah. I told him if I get a whiff that he’s messing around on his wife again, I will be the first to fill her in with all the details. I told him to make sure everything I love for him to do for me to do for her. I feel so stupid. That’s the best word I can really relate to. He hurt me…I really hope that he works it out with her. I feel like if he’s leaving me, he may as well do it for a good reason. I really love this man for a few reasons: he helped me see the value in me, he taught me a lot about people, I learned a lot about myself, I learned about the complexities of life, and he taught me to be a good judge of character. I actually gained a lot. More than what I lost. Although I am hurting I know that this would be my first and last time messing with a man that is in a relationship -married or not. I am also confident in the fact that the day I come across a good man, I will appreciate him. Today is Valentines Day, and I wish with all my heart that everyone that actually has love appreciates it. I also wish the best to those wives…I hope for all of us that we are blessed with strength, and that every single one of you guys gains what I gained from my situation: Love for Yourself. Happy Valentines Day.

    • Rebecca says:

      I admire you! I actually went out and bought some heels (he would forbid me to wear them” said I wore them for attention. He absolutely drained me of all my confidence.

  21. Rebecca says:

    Here I am again. I started seeing my married man again after swearing off 10 days ago. He set all kind of restrictions and I, of course, agreed. Well, today was my 2nd oldest’s gender reveal. I told my married man that I wanted to be there and he got mad. Once again he told me to just leave him alone. Says that I am not his, that I am “others” He wants me to stay home, doesn’t like me doing anything even if it is with my kids. What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can’t I just stop missing him, seeing him, wanting him???

    • Sim says:

      Hi rebecca
      I know the feeling and i share with you what you are going through. We still love the person who denies us and no matter how painful and ashamed for us, we still blindly love them, trying to hang on there, clinging to the feelings that they brought us. How pitiful we are, falling for someone who doesn’t even want to return it, let alone fight for us and yearn us. But it becomes this way because we let it happen from the beginning, and we are too weak to let go. Our love is stronger than our own ego and we are willing to sacrifice our pride for the love from that person. I get it well and i know how you feel. I know my MM is currently having a good time with his wife, maybe holding her or kissing her, and he dumped me to protect her and his family, but whenever i think of him (which is all the time), all i know is I love him no matter what. You see, we are all blind. Its very hard to stop ourselves from contacting, 10 days is a long timeframe given this situation. But my strategy is if u want, u go for it,meet him write him, do whatever it pleases you. But at the end of the day, you will realize how ignorant he is, cruel he is, and that’s when you will accept the harsh fact. We all want to try everything we can to keep the person we love. But when you’ve tried all the ways and you keep failing, i guess we will know when its time to give it up. Be strong.

      • Rebecca says:

        Sim, thank you for being so understanding and nonjudgmental. It is hard, but seeing how there’s so many of us taking it one day at a time is such an amazing help. My MM has been texting me all morning. He’s trying to make me feel guilty, telling me he’s just going to leave me alone because he obviously doesn’t make me happy. That I continue to want to do “dumb stuff”. He means me wanting to attend the gender reveal of my grandson (it’s a boy). He just sucks the life out of me. I end up feeling drained.

      • LittleFrenchie says:

        Hi Sim

        You say some very truthful things here, we have all been there, sacrificing our pride for love…because we love them so much. I put myself below everything last year, just for a text or a mark of affection from him..I don’t think it is about giving up when you have tried it all, it is just realising there is nothing that will make them leave their wife and family. We are not the problem (I always thought I was not enough and it was a competition with her), but it is just that for us it is real relationships, and for them, it is important until it is too much and they go back to the comfort. There is no issue, there is no way out. Honestly, I have stopped loving him, I have mostly hate for him now, for the way he treated and the way I still feel half dead because of him. I loved the part of him he showed me, but how can I even know it is true ? I will never know if any of it was true, if I ever mattered. I think I am quite smart in general…damn it I was a fool. But I will learn, and the weird thing is that, I still give the middle finger each time I read or see something about the Netherlands (he was Dutch) and I swear hehe, but I also tell myself “see you are strong, you made someone happy today, your boss is happy with you, you are starting to feel pretty again”. Anything is now a battle, but I appreciate when I win over sadness and feeling worthless.. Next week will be a year that I met him, in London at a work event. I know he is going back there, I changed jobs and I won’t go, though I am still wondering if he will think of me when he will be at our company booth, or maybe he will be hitting on a new girl…Whatever, I think I deserve better. We all do, oh yeah we do…

      • Sim says:

        Hi Litlefrenchie, Rebecca,
        How was your day today? It was Valentine day yet I spent most of the day in the meeting room. I was indeed busy but my problem is, the busier I am, the more I miss that man. I kept refreshing my blog with him, I kept checking the message but of course, as expected nothing was there and nothing was coming. Now I can really tell how little I am to him. The more I realize it, the sadder I become. No tears falling anymore but there’s a great deal of sadness inside me, the feeling that I can’t speak out loud except writing here. It feels like giving up, it feels like I’m pushed against the wall and I don’t have any choice until I have to walk away, desperate and exhausted, torn and drained. The worst part is I’m feeling really lonely. I have no one to think of, no one to miss, no one to call and my thoughts stuck with him. He’s not here, he doesn’t love me, I need to remind myself that spell everyday just to survive another day. Littlefrenchie, honestly I don’t think he will remember what it was like meeting you the first time, because they just move on so fast. As long as they can get away with their wives and come back like nothing every happened, they will just move on and forget everything. After all, what do they lose? Nothing. They break some hearts, so what? they will have a happy family, still play sweet heart with their wives, are still happy dads, they have everything while we lost it all: our pride, our dignity, our love, ourselves. Nothing’s left ever for us. BUt you are right, sometimes I feel likeI’m already at the bottom, how could it be worse? I almost grow ignorant when it’s too hurt and I don’t know what to do. It hasn’t been any easier for me, today I woke up still with a rock on my chest, And I’m still writing to you because I don’t want to give up. I hope it’s not considered spamming here:(

      • Melissa says:

        Sim,

        Just read your last post to little frenchie. Happy Valentines Day my love!

        Listen to me and listen to me very clear. If you think for ONCE that that man doesn’t think about you you are very mistaken. He thinks about you all the time, trust me. I’m sure he craves the attention and knows he can get it from you. The catch is, if he reaches out to you, he knows that you are demanding more -and he doesn’t want to give you more. Understand he is already committed and that he probably has enough strings attached to hang himself. Sim, darling, do yourself a favor, think positive. It’s the only thing that will carry you through. You have to stop thinking negative. When you think of the good times, think about how special you are and that YOU deserve that treatment ALL the time. This man wasn’t able to give you this attention all the time because he was married, but I am SURE that there is another man for you that does.

        You are BEAUTIFUL, you are WORTHY, you are ADMIRABLE, you are STRONG, you are POWERFUL, you are VALUABLE.

        You need to get your butt looking flyy taking dope, sexy pics, and start “feeling” yourself” (beyonce voice). Go to the gym -it really helps. You get a few perks: release endorphins (which make you feel great), you get to look at hot guys, and you eventually look even more amazing.

        So listen, pretty lady, stop feeling sad. It’s a beautiful day, a short life, and you should’t waste any of the little time you have alive on someone that causes you pain and grief. Wipe your tears, and smile. You are alive, healthy, and SINGLE!!! Go have fun!

      • Rebecca says:

        Hi Sim, I’m feeling ok. He has not looked for me at all. He’s actually helping me. I’m feeling more and more angry. I want to take my power back! Be strong! I promise, we will get through this! We deserve better, we deserve more! 💕

      • Sim says:

        Hi Melissa,
        Your words help me a lot today. It’s really a booster!! I have this way of thinking that i call the “cause-effect” which means I don’t believe it untill i see the result. I know im not a person of good faith or a believer and that’s sometimes not a good thing. For example, if someone says they are good at work, i will only believe if i see the results. And i apply thay theory for myself too, and that’s why i rarely feel satisfied with myself. Am I pretty, good? If yes, i should have someone by myside. Since i dont, there must be something wrong with me. Am i worthwhile? If yes, the MM should have been with me instead of his wife, but no, the fact shows different ending. So those kinds of facts/truth really get in my way and that’s why i have all of these negative thoughts. What i believe is not what has happened in the reality and that’s dragged me down. Do you have any advice?
        I do go to the gym, quite regularly in fact. I believe in exercising and i want to have a healthy and good looking body. Sometimes i just wish i could spend 24 hours at the gym so my brains dont wander anymore😂. Love to hear from you. All the best to you.

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      Rebecca, I know you miss him, but it seems like he is putting you in a prison…You need to live your life, he can’t make you feel bad like this, this is like your mind is being beat up, and this is not ok. You have still life in front of you and you know he has kept you away from lively situation many times. You need to break free, you need to be there for your children, they love you no matter what. I try not to be judgmental of anyone’s situation here, but what he does is not ok, he can’t forbid you to do things… You know you love him, and yes it is hard, but he is keeping you prisoner..Break Free, do it for your kids, they need you and they need their mom alive fully and happy. Keep talking to us ok ?? Don’t let yourself go down. Stay strong we are here. For anyone who may want to speak, I created an email address [email protected], do not hesitate to write there too in a moment that is hard, I will reply asap. Rebecca, love yourself ok ? You are a wonderful human being, make sure you stay strong, one day at a time, one step at a time. Lots of hugs

      • Rebecca says:

        Wow, thank you for that. I’m just winding down and that’s when I start thinking about him. You are right, I do feel imprisoned. He gets to go to his daughters’ games. He gets to go out to dinner as a family. While I’m expected to stay home. You’ve no idea how extremely helpful this website is to me.

      • Rebecca says:

        Well, I logged into what used to be the email he used to communicate with me. I was just going to go in and delete everything. I ended up finding a 2nd email account. I clicked on it and found out he’s been talking to someone else since 2015. AND he slept with her on his birthday (January 31st). My stomach is in knots. I should have known better. He’s a liar.

  22. LearningFromYouAll says:

    Hello everyone,

    I came across this website while seeking help how to break free of a mess I found myslef in… Im 27, and I have started to fall for a married man who works in the same company. Him being very charming and a bit older (44)didnt take much effort. 🙂
    From the beginning, I knew I liked him. Like all of you, I found myself in that incredible connection with him, I had a feeling we could talk for hours and share everything. To be honest, I really thought we were just becoming close friends…until Christmas dinner 2016. I caught him several times looking at me, not in a way I would expect to be looked at from a friend. There it all started… I knew he was married with one child. Soon after he started to approach me, not as a friend tough. We work in the same company, but we dont live in the same country – which is probably better!
    We had a chance to spend some time together in January and I found myself to be falling for him, badly. I always thought that once I had a clear idea what I want from my life, such things cannot happen. I was so wrong!! I have never been really sucessful with relationships and all of the sudden receiving all those flattering comments about how much he missed me, wanted to be with me, what I meant to him, and that also he fell in love with me some time ago- I knew I wasnt heading the right direction. That is why I decided to search for some information how to leave and came across this website. I have read every single story. Honestly, I find it unbelievable how much resemblance there is, in every single story. I have been reading it for days and re-evaluated my situation. There are no exceptions, I would definitely end up being hurt – so it was better to dump him immediately rather than wait months, maybe years (as many of you) and get deeply involved with him.
    Let me say, that I admire every single one of you who had to go through this kind of situation, got emotionally drained and used by weak men. It is hard for me to leave him now after two months, I cannot even imagine how it could feel after years of my invested emotions and commitment to a man who doesnt really care about any of that. Please just stay strong, you all can do it!! All of you! 🙂
    It hurts like hell, but be graceful you could do it, doesnt matter after how much time! The outcome is the most important. I am sure you are all going through a nightmare and feel alone and not loved – but hey, let them be with their wives and pitty their lives until their death. For every single one of us there is a new, bright and FREE future, with a man who will love us and for whom we will mean the world!! This is what I am concentrating on now.
    I told my married man when breaking up with him – that I deserve so f***ing much more than he is able to give me. I smiled when I said that. I told him I know my value and I know I deserve more than bits of his time and secret calls. I didnt wish him bad – I told him I hope he is happy in the end and that he should really concentrate on his daughter. I stocked myself up with some ice-cream for Valentines day and got a new lovely jacket! 🙂 I wish I could share my positive attitude with all of you and just make you realize we are all perfect and worth of so so so much more !
    All your stories saved me!
    THANK YOU ALL!!!
    p.s. I am sorry if any mistakes, I am not native English speaker.

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      I like your post, and congrats for breaking free now. You had the right attitude by leaving like this. I wish I did, but I was in love and stayed and became the contrary of the person I always was : I became weak, dependant, sad and depressed and I was always smiling, happy, making everyone feel great. I am so happy for you you are strong and left now, I wish I did that too so bad, I hope I go back to my normal self and never let anyone treat me like that again. Your English is perfect 🙂 hugs to you

  23. Heartbreak says:

    Hello. I have been reading all your stories for a few days. On one hand it makes me feel less alone in loving a married man, on the other hand the pain that all your words are drenched in is so heart wrenching. I never realised that having an affair with a married man can be such a similar experience, whatever the circumstances and whoever may be involved. The absolute turn about that a married man can affect, focussing totally on his family and leaving you wondering whether you ever even existed, is staggering. It’s unbelievable the way they can just stop engaging out of the blue, it would be almost laughable if it wasn’t so distressing. And make you end up feeling sub human and less than, to be treated like this. Anyway it’s been three months for me, I haven’t healed yet because it’s been a nine year relationship, but I feel so much better. The constant rumination and obsessive thoughts have lessened. I still miss him like crazy, but the desire to act out on this missing is something I’ve gained control over. I don’t call or message or try to see him anymore. And I just want you ladies to know that if someone like me can do it, I was madly obsessed and almost crazy at one point, then so can you. Any of you. All of you. Please don’t beat yourself up if you have a bad day. The goal is not to be over it as soon as possible. These things take time. The goal is to have more good days than bad ones, and gradually the good days overweigh the bad. If we just stop trying to put a time frame on it and getting impatient and just be, it will gradually fade away. The two things that have helped me tremendously is journaling and therapy. I sit with my feelings and write and write whatever comes to mind without lifting my pen from the paper, till my hand starts cramping. Then I read it once and tear it up. It helps me to get rid of all the heaviness inside me. And again, I am not promoting this but I found an online counselling site called Talkspace that matches you up with a therapist, and I found a lovely one who is so sympathetic and supportive and understanding. I keep writing to her and she helps me work through my anguish.
    One thing that really spoke to me was when Sim said “You know what’s funny? That is as much as I want to forget everything and this pain to be gone, I’m also at the same time afraid that things to fade away. I know that’s when I will no longer love him, which means nothing will matter anymore, and all the feelings, and all the love I have for him will also be gone.” So even through you are desperate to get through the pain and come out the other side, what it will mean is that what mattered so much and was such a large part of your life, will be no more. All that love, all that passion, all the energy, will turn to nothing …………..That feels so sad to me too……

    • Sim says:

      Hi heartbreak
      I am having some negative and sad thoughts right now when suddenly i read your comment. Thanks for reading my posts and share your thoughts. Im alone in a business trip and i am about to give in and write to him telling him how much i miss him when your comment came. The more I thought about this, the more stuck i feel. I want to think that he still loves me and because of that he decided to leave me to set me free. But that thought makes me sad because we can’t be together although we love each other. On the other hand, if i think he doesn’t love me anymore and he totally forgets me to come back to his wife, it equally hurts because i feel abandoned and left. Either way, i’m the loser. I lost everything and he has everything, he has his wife back, his kid, his family, everything is just as good as new while I’m all broken. Now even when i see any happy young family, the hatred comes my way because i think his would be the same, i can see that smile, that happiness, that picture they post on facebook, i can imagine them all which drives me nuts. I can foresee how happy he and his wife are while i’m counting the day to survive. And i keep asking why

      • fiona says:

        You’re not alone in feeling this way. I wrote several letters, practically begging for closure, and he didn’t answer. It feels like I gave my power away, and sent me into turmoil each time, I wish I hadn’t sent them.
        Same with holding on to things, i haven’t been able to delete photos of us – I’ve got as far as getting them off my phone onto a flash drive. Hopefully I’ll throw it away one day. One thing that really hurts is that I have to be the one getting rid of all the mementos of us, he never had any of them of course. He only has whatever he still remembers, everywhere I turn in my house I see reminders.

      • fiona says:

        Well I saw my ex today, he was walking with some people and he just looked right through me. 10 years of friendship, 3 years as lovers, supporting him through his father’s death, through his own illnesses, and this is the result. I’m so so angry, not that he dumped me, but that he did it without telling me, without giving me any way to express myself. What kind of person can just blank someone out of their life – especially when they know that person is left waiting for them to appear at any moment. I’ve been such a fool, he kept me strung along as a back up, making sure he had somewhere to go if she wouldn’t have him back. The morning of the day he decided to end it for himself, he had been telling me he loved me, it wasn’t an affair, he would never leave me. Then poof! Gone.

      • LittleFrenchie says:

        Hi Sim,

        You will manage to think less and less about it, the truth is you will never get answers and never know what is the truth. I do think men manage to just drop one thing to move on to the next more easily than us, but I also think it comes back like a boomerang to the them one day, while we took longer to heal but we will heal in the long term. The non closure is something we all have to live with, I can’t say it goes away, but I think some days are better than others. What I try to focus on when I think about it, is not the happy moments, but the lies, to me and to her, the non caring when I was hurt but she couldnt be hurt “she was so fragile”. Today I realise, it was just easy and he kept me around when he could, and when it became difficult it was easier to close the door on me. I know everyday is a struggle and your are in the worse part, but again, even though your feelings and your heart are raw of the pain, you are less desillusional about this relationship, and that is a massive step. You said yourself that you know even if you write him and he writes back, it won’t change anything, and doing that just make the all situation last longer, it won’t close. The horrible thing is that we have to close it ourselves, or we will stay in that limbo state in between lies when we hold onto a “I miss you”(He must love me etc…) and the reality, when we are alone. You need to give yourself a new routine, since he was your routine. I was resentful at happy families too, or I look at every married guy like a cheater, I am thinking “he is cheating for sure”. I started becoming a person I never was, and the truth is I think I changed a lot and I am not sure I will come back to my loving self..the me that cares about people, that is sweet and nice and funny. Like if he killed a big part of me and I stay depressed no matter what I do. He is happy with his family and he doesnt care about how I may be feeling, hasn’t talked to me in 4 months, but I know I only can save myself, he never will. I need to forgive myself because I was such an idiot to love a man like him, but I believe time makes things work. Try to enjoy Malaysia, I was in KL 2 weeks ago, funny 😉 I don’t know where you come from by the way. You need to see yourself like the strong woman you are, you have a nice job, people listen to you, try to see who you are for others. I know it is hard, often we only feel we are someone in their eyes, and we forget the rest of the world. But they are so many people around, he is just one out of so many you can meet, work, friendships, support.. I hope today is a better day. Talk soon. Ali.

    • Brown Girl says:

      Thank you so much Heartbreak. It’s been a month since I’ve had no contact with my MM and I have days when I’m absolutely fine, and I feel light and free and engaged with the old me that used to be care free. But days like yesterday and today when all I want to do is cry because I miss him and there are things I want to tell him. Thank you for your words, I was beating myself up about feeling this way again, telling myself that it’s been a month how can you still be crying. But your msg struck a chord with me and I will try and be kinder to myself. Social media has made it so much harder to move on, we are constantly flooded with images of their lives post the breakup and that in itself brings about unneeded waves of emotions. Lots of gratitude to you for writing so beautifully. I wish you well for the rest of your healing journey.

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      Hi Heartbreak,

      I loved the part about the time. Yes it takes time and you can’t put a timeframe. I must say I wish I could go to bed and wake up a few years from now being all happy..but hey we have to go through the pain to be stronger. I think the journaling is great, I will try. I have weeks when I am so busy I barely think about him, and weeks like last, when I am just obsessed, I can’t sleep and feel like a piece of crap he just threw away like that in a blink of an eye to go back to his family. It has been 4 months for me, and I just slowly get my life and self back, but some days and happy and others not, it is exactly that. It is scary how all our stories are the same…I have read so many posts here, and the foundations, evolution (of the story and us becoming ghosts of ourselves) and the end, when we end up being like we never existed, this is so cringing. It is like they all follow the same manual..and I am sure all of us before we met them, we were happy human beings with life in front of us being enthusiastic about many things..and now every day is a new difficult step. I never saw that but ouch, I wish I could hug all of you! At least we have each other, and we help each other. When we are low, we know someone will understand the pain…

      • Sim says:

        Hi Littlefrenchie,
        You are right saying that he was my routine. Although we never got a chance to be around each other a lot, i texted him and told him everything in my life, which makes it so hard to just let go. I was staying in a big hotel room all by myself, and i recalled writing him telling him how it was from the last similar business trips. When i was busy in the meetings, I remember he calling me on my cellphone to check on me. Everything’s just gone. I was so so sad,and lonely and i miss him badly. Every day is a fight to keep my mind from going crazy. Tonight i missed him so much i decided to write a blog to him but when i finished it, i deleted it. At least it allowed me to let it out in a weak moment, and still can still keep the track. Im counting the day and i know ive made it another day. That’s all i know. I hope to hear from you, it’s the only consolation i need now. Hugs

  24. Forget-me-not says:

    If I may suggest two books of which I am by no means any kind of promoter but I am putting it out here because they helped me quite a lot. It is The Power of Now from Ekhart Tolle and The Lanuage of Letting Go as well as Co-Dependent No More from Melody Beattie. Basically they teach you how to detach, take care of yourself, stop being dependent on others, how to turn off your sabotaging thoughts and how to retrieve into the deeper part of yourself where there is peace. I know it may not work a 100% when the pain goes so deep and when it feels like it will never stop hurting but it might just make the journey to recovery a little bit easier.

  25. Cathy says:

    Friends, please help me…feeling weak tonight..I was strong after reading all of your stories and kept reading them each night to stay that way…it’s been over a week away from him and I just unblocked him. I feel like I’m caving and don’t want too 🙁

    • Forget-me-not says:

      The rollercoaster of emotions and going from strong to weak is the most difficult. The more I read the comments the more I am shocked at how similar the bases of all affairs seem to be. It is very bizarre how these men can compartmentalize, have no problem going from one to the other and even if they say they are suffering in their relationship, it is their choice that they stay there. The love is real in most cases, I am sure, otherwise they would not keep coming back for more. Your weakness will pass and you will feel better. Go for a walk or do something you enjoy and know that you will survive because we are all survivors here.

    • Sim says:

      Hey Cathy, be strong. We are here. It’s been over a month since my married man decided to cut contacts with me. Since then, we sometimes messaged and he called once but they no longer meant anything. It’s just words and he’s not here with me anymore no matter how much he said he missed me and how badly he wanted to be with me. It just doesn’t mean anything at all because he doesn’t want to do anything to make it real. I’ve been crying everyday since the day we parted and I still do, and I haven’t been able to totally cut all contacts yet. But as soon as I know the communication does no difference now to the situation, I grow ignorant to the text or the calls, because at the end of the day, those things won’t change the result, the situation. You will just endure it day by day, the pain, just like I am now. But at least, we’re together, right? They said tomorrow is another day. It is. Be strong.

      • Miku says:

        Rebecca i have the same feeling like yours.. i have been married for 16 years and i met this guy at work who was also married for i think 3 years back then with one child. We instantly connected and been together for 3 years now. He went to middle east on our 1st and 2nd year although we are apart we use all sorts of social networking sights to talk until eventually he came back. After 3 or so months his wife left for Texas and so it was like we were free to see each other again. But in the relationship every time we see each other. I get to pay for the food, our room, his gas, and even end up giving him money. After a year and half when his wife left bad news came on feb 6 he said he was petitioned to follow so we did say goodbyes and to him it wasnt goodbye. He told me he would find a way to call me which he did. But lasted 10mins. Facetime audio. He was even shocked when i said that its not your apple id it is a number on my screen. Then he said right there and then i should go.. and i will call you once its safe again.. and i hate the feeling of checking out his facebook from time to time.. i always thought that what if we are with the wrong person and that we were both meant for each other. Or maybe it is just a feeling i have for him. Any thoughts about this please share.. thanks a lot!

    • Littlefrenchie says:

      Hi Cathy, keep reading here, get busy, talk to friends. Don’t stay alone with your thoughts, they are the worse. After 4 months, this week has been one of the worse because my thoughts about him have been eating me up.. I try to keep busy when this happens or I try to think of if I meet him one day how great I will be and what a piece of crap loser he will have become.. we all have our ways. We are here, you are not alone, and we are a community.. and yes we have survivors, that’s the right term.. but we will make it through. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, it may not happen overnight but yes we will become stronger women and we will never be treated this way EVER AGAIn. Never forget you are alive, your mind is stronger than you may think ( I know how the brain wash of us becoming puppets makes us feel like we can’t be strong on any level) but we can, every day that passes is a day you survived the pain. Stay strong, surround your self with good people and don’t give up and don’t go back, I have gone back so many times, and then you have to start all over again. You started your healing, you saved your self, don’t go back. We are all here. And gosh how bad do I think all of us should get together for a week, let it all out of the rage, pain, disappointment and then look forward to life. A healing sharing friendship retreat:-). He may not be there no more, but you gained dozen of friends of are really there when you need, despite the time differences. Stay strong, you are not alone.

  26. fiona says:

    Hi, I originally wrote here in the section about a relationship that ended without closure. But it was with a married man which means there isn’t a person in my life that I’ve been able to talk it through with, and I’m still going through absolute hell. Where I live is small, and I see either him or his wife often. Today I bumped into someone who told me some information innocently which has sent me back into utter devastation.
    You see I still can’t believe the way he cut me off – we were best friends for 10 years, lovers for 3 years. He pursued me, and I wouldn’t go further for such a long time. Even then I was trying to be detached, knowing that this would be just sex, and he was the one that started saying I love you, that turned into I adore you, and he was the one talking about our future together. So I got suckered in and started to believe him, and I still do…. I believe he loved me. He told his wife about us a year ago, she went to bits. He wanted to ‘help her through it’, so he stayed with her, whilst still seeing me. She found out again, he nearly moved in with me, but he has an art school attached to their house and he stayed there to work. This went on for the whole year, one minute he was packing to move in with me, next minute he wasn’t coming. He even came to my house with her to break up with me in front of her, he showed her where I live! Then came straight back on his own to tell me that it was just an act so he could buy some time to arrange his studio. He would fight with her and come over to me – she would follow. She walked into my house one night to scream at us. All the time he was telling me that it was only about his studio and his business, that he didn’t love her anymore, that he wasn’t leading me up the garden path, that this wasn’t an affair, that it was a dream come true, that it had never been like this with anyone before. I told my teenage son that he was moving in, I told my parents. Then it all came to a head, I emailed her some information, he came over and held me, and said we need to be strong now for what’s ahead – and went back home saying he would need a few days to sort everything out. I waited, I expected to hear his car at any minute (he used to arrive upset in the middle of the night). Nothing. His wife blocked me from his phone, blocked me from his emails (he doesn’t know how). I’ve written to him, and he didn’t answer. Months later I left some of his stuff in his driveway along with a letter, where amongst other things I asked ‘what kind of person doesn’t even give back someone’s key’. A few days letter I got a registered delivery of an envelope containing just my key. Not one word. All he had to say was goodbye it’s over – but I’m not even worth that. Seems like he’s loved up with his wife again now. I can’t move house, I can’t avoid seeing them occasionally, and it is destroying me completely. I can’t see a way through this.

  27. Sim says:

    Hi,
    I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for nearly 2 years and I’m devastated right now. I’m 30, single and we knew each other from work when he entered the company 2 years ago. He was engaged at that time but not married yet, we both knew it’s not gonna work but the emotion between us was too strong we couldn’t hold back. What had to come came, and we fell deeply in love, we talked everyday about everything and felt so connected and we both know we are each other’s soul mates. Then he got married and I was so upset but he still loved me a lot and tried to maintain the relationship and we loved each other even more. Then his wife found out and the company found out our relationship (I was his boss), he was forced to leave the company, which was extremely hard for both of us because we couldn’t meet each other daily. After that, we still tried to make it work, meeting each other once a week, phone call and texting and blogging everyday to feel each other near. Until recently, his wife got pregnant – their first child which I believe made him super happy but he was sad telling me the news. He knew I was sad so he was trying his best to make up for me.
    We thought everything could work until his wife found out about us the second time, and this time he decided to say goodbye to me and terminate the relationship, saying he couldn’t do it anymore for my own good, but I know mostly because he doesn’t want to upset his wife anymore. I’m hung and I feel like I’m killed alive. I saw a picture of him kissing his wife’s belly on Facebook and I almost died over a heart attack. I feel devastated right now, being left, abandoned while they are coming back together, so happy. Why could it happen when just 1 week ago, he still said he loved me and missed me? I don’t understand if the last 2 years mean anything to him? And he just left so easily and came back to his wife like nothing ever happened? I need help because I’ve been crying and I don’t know where and whom to reach out for help. I miss him and I need him, and I feel hurt inside out.

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      Hi Sim,

      I am very sorry to hear that, difficult situation, and we have all been there one way or another. All I can say is he was engaged, could have NOT got married to be with you and yet he did not. In a way I think you are getting a blessing from destiny. What if his wife would have not discovered that a second time ? Would you have stayed the other woman for the rest of your life, not having any real life of your own, while he would have ? I know this is difficult and after 8 month in a similar situation I decided to take my life back. The person who I thought was my soulmate never contacted me anymore and disappeared. I am sorry for you and I know now is the worst time of your life. But you will managed, you can’t believe it now but you will. I am 29, divorcing my husband, and the so called love of my life is gone. Well if he really was, he would be with me now, not with his family I suppose. Yes you will feel like saying goodbye to your best friend, your lover and everything he is for you. But trust me like the other women here, people who love us for real, would never put us in such a situation, never in a million years. That is not love, that is selfishness making sure they get the best of both worlds. You are young, you have life in front of you and you deserve a real relationship with someone who will be there 100% of the time, not just giving you crumbs from his life.You will never be able to know what is in his head, focus on yourself. I have never heard from someone who swear I was his soulmate, though I am like dead to him I guess and he must be playing happy husband with his wife, while I still have some hard days and feel empty. I am though much better than those months when I was waiting for a text, getting panic attacks imagining him with her etc. Those moments I truly don’t miss and I am so proud of myself for giving myself my freedom back. Those men will never be happy nor free, and on their death bed they will face the regret of their life, but you won’t have to do that. The next few days and weeks will be horrible…it has been for all of us. Crying, feeling you could just die, that you are alone and can’t breathe. It will get better, I promise it will. You can check my first posts and now, I am much better really, time heals, you need to give it time, speak with friends, share on this forum, take time for you and rediscover who you really are. And you have life in front of you, never forget that. And it will make you so much stronger. A friend told me, I changed a lot, became more cold and distant towards love in general. I still believe in it, I just want to love myself only for now. One day life will come back at me with someone new. Everyone is different and we all heal from this differently. Find your own way but know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are so many living the same pain. You will be ok, one day at a time, just one day after another.

      • LittleFrenchie says:

        And don’t hesitate to speak to all of us here, I have made two great friends on this forum who I am texting with regularly and we all live in different countries. Time zones don’t matter, we can all help each other, don’t hesitate to reach out ok ?? Lots of hugs.

      • Sim says:

        HI LittleFrenchie,
        I must say that this morning, when I woke up with a heavy head, your message has helped me a lot and given me a little bit more hope. It’s been over one month, ,and I haven’t made any progress at all. I’m falling in a deep black hole and I keep falling. I keep imagining of him being happy with his pregnant wife, expecting their baby girl, and taking care of her, being sweet to her the way he used to be sweet to me. I’m torn. We set up a secret blog to exchange comments and entries, but now he doesn’t go there anymore, but yesterday I couldn’t help it, I’ve sent a comment to that blog, saying that I’m hurt because I saw the picture of him kissing his wife’s belly and how could he walk away so easily and effortlessly after everything we had together. He hasn’t replied and he probably won’t but I felt the need to express it. We usually told each other how we felt, and one week ago, he wrote to me saying he missed me a lot and he loved me no matter what. I know he’s suffering too but when I saw the photos of him and his wife, I just want to die. I want the pain to go away quickly but it doesn’t. And I don’t know how long it takes, my head feels dizzy all the time and everything looks grey around me. I know I sound terrible but that’s the truth. On one side, I hate him, but on the other side, he’s the one I love, how can I hate him? I don’t know what to think that could make me feel better. Thank you for listening.

      • Sim says:

        It’s torturing me when I think of him being happy with his wife and expecting the baby, starting a whole new life like every happy newly weds. I hate it. I hate him being happy when i’m in all agony. All i can think of in my head is how happy he is without me and how miserable i am without him and i can’t stop asking why

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      Hi Sim,

      I know it is going to hurt for long, but it will be better. You really need to surround yourself with people who love you, you need to talk about it. I ended up telling my mom about it, my brother, friends and even colleagues who know him. Yesterday I had drinks with ex colleagues who were talking about him (he is like dead to me), hearing from him was like a knife in the chest..but they were saying he is acting like an ass..At least I know he is not who I thought he was. I can’t say whether he loves you or not, how he loves you I can’t say anything for him. I know you hurt bad, and that type of love is so intense your brain stops working..don’t imagine them, stop doing it (I used to do the same…so many times), you need to get busy, all the time, just keep yourself busy so your mind is busy, then you are tired go to bed sleep and it is the next day. I swear I was in a phase when I would stay at work until 9pm go home shower eat and go straight to bed to not have to think. I wanted to die too, it is bad but I told my family, I took pills for depression. He left me like a dead version of me while I used to be so lively and happy. He drained all the energy and love I had for life and left me for dead. But you and you only can take your life back. You and I have more or less the same age, we have so many years to be happy. This year is a year to construct ourselves, to become who we really are, to appreciate who we are in our own eyes. I know it is hard I know you can only see the bad things. Cry out, let it all out, but please talk, talk to people, and make sure you have people who are there for you. Honestly, I did not really have a support system, so I hope you can do better than me, but I went to London many times to see the only real friend I had, and I decided to make new memories (I went with him in so many capital of europe, I was scared of going back, but I decided to make new memories in those places to make sure I would not be scared of living again). Try to make new memories with people, accept that drink at work with colleague, register to the gym and go do yoga classes, plan your next trip. That is how I am living now, one day at the time, one project at the time, but it is slowly working. If you want to speak more, maybe we can exchange email addresses, I can be your virtual friend. I met 2 wonderful women on that website, and yesterday I really had a down moment, texted one of them who answered right away. You need that support system, and even though it is hard you will need to cut off all contacts, block his phone number to ensure you don’t check his last whatsapp connected thing..It hurts but it is the best thing to do. The next pages of your life are white, you can make anything happen and you will. What is happening now is horrible yes, but it will set the layers of your new life and you will be so much stronger. You are not alone, we are so many, left the same way, like if all we lived never happened and never happened…but the best thing you can do, is live for yourself and not let yourself be his puppet even when he doesnt want you in his life anymore. No matter what you both lived, he made a choice and it was not you. It hurts like hell, but there are people who will love us, in a real way. Not on and off, love and respect for our lives. No one should ever go through what we have lived and we need to love ourselves and free ourselves from those fake love prison cells.
      I am here if you need, don’t hesitate, and over the weekend as well ok ?? Lots of hugs

      • Rebecca says:

        “I used to be so lively and happy. He drained all the energy and love I had for life.” Oh my goodness! This is EXACTLY how I feel! Thank you so much for reminding me that I’m not alone. That I am strong enough to do get this!

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      You need to stop thinking about it you really do. You will NEVER get answers and understand. He moved on it’s hard and you need to live the pain to heal but you can’t let it bring you down. He won’t come save you from your despair. Mine did not neither and left me like I never existed. All I wish is to be a better me than I never was and if one day I cross him I will be awesome and he still will be in his shit life. I wish bad I would send pictures of us to his wife. But I think the way he treated me after all I endured for him.. just shows complete lack of respect. I thought it was love, it was not or he wouldn’t have left me like I was pure garbage going back to playing happy loving family. That’s all lies, what they live with us and what they live with them. Look at us all, all of us in the same pain, they rarely chose the other woman. Do t forget men are there when it’s easy when it start being hard and requiring real proof of love they leave us alone, because ” you are so strong, you are the stronger woman I have ever met it’s incredible” bullshit, they just want to take the guilt away and feel like we can endure anything that the wife can’t. Most men are coward and will never change the all house-wife-kids-job-community-friends world for love. And as bad at this sound, when they will need love again, they will find another girl and do the same again. They will never leave the wife and the life, but will live selfishparallel lives until they die, and hurt more than one girl. That’s a pattern and I even have male friends who do that.. not all guys do that,some do leave and some are happy in their life and will never look at any one else. This shit thing happened on our life and we can’t change the past. We can change our relationship to those events be smart about it and work on the present to prepare the future. Stay strong one day at the time. You are worth a happy life. He may be your love now but when you will love yourself again you will find someone who will love you and never make you be like priority#10. Then you will know what love is. Never forget that life is only made by our decisions. You need to make the decisions to move on andknow you won’t get closure. It’s hard. Yesterday was a horrible day for me. But I woke feeling I am free and he is not. I can be the strong woman I always wanted to be and I will never let anyone treat me as badly as he did. NEVER AGAIN. Please love yourself, go take a shower go for a walk talk to people, play with your pet. Go with people don’t stay alone. I stayed alone too much. Oh yeah, and make yourself pretty, let men look at you. Just to slowly gain the confidence again that life is out there, you just need to smile to it.. you will manage I promise but you have to do one thing everyday to leave that nightmare.

      • Sim says:

        HI LittleFrenchie,
        I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your very thoughtful reply and sharing. Yesterday was awful to me. In fact, these days I can hardly remember I’m doing with my life, I just know I make it each day in a very agonizing way. I can hardly remember what I do, whom I meet, where I go, all I know is the pain and the tears I cry. Every night I go to bed crying and every morning, I wake up in tears too. I ask myself the same question when I wake up, why do I still feel this way, Why do I still feel the pain, why it hasn’t gone away yet? You know what’s funny? That is as much as I want to forget everything and this pain to be gone, I’m also at the same time afraid that things to fade away. I know that’s when I will no longer love him, which means nothing will matter anymore, and all the feelings, and all the love I have for him will also be gone. I feel regret because the love and what we feel for each other are beautiful. They are truly beautiful. I know it’s ended but deep down, I know what we had during that short time was real and was pure love. So..I’m not ready to let go and that’s what kills me.
        He’s replied by comment in the blog, he basically said he missed me any f**ing day, and that I had no idea what he’s going through and not a second passed by that he didn’t think about me. I feel no longer feel touched by those words, because at the end of the day, those are just..words. He is not here, he chose to be with me. And you’re right, no matter how hurt I am, he’s not here to ease the pain. So yes, what’s the point of saying “I miss you” if you don’t reach out and be with the person you miss? He never denies being happy with his wife and his expected baby and so I know How happy he is now. I know I’m all alone by myself now.
        Everyday is a challenge to me, I wake up with a stone on my chest, feeling suffocated. I’m hurt and I can feel the physical pain. I’ve tried my ways, but when I come home at night, when I’m alone, All I can think of is how pathetic I am, being left, being abandoned while I’ve loved with all my heart.
        I share with you your pains too and I think you are a very strong woman. I look up to you and I hope soon enough, I will be where you are now. I’m sure you will find love again because of the wonderful person that you are. I never know how long it take to get over this thing, I guess I will need to wait and be patient. Hugs to you too.

    • Littlefrenchie says:

      I know you hurt .. I still do. But he moved on like if anything we had never existed.. so I learnt to deal with it and deal with the fact that he did not care that much and I was not important enough. I think you are moving somehow.. you said you réalise those words are just words.. I understand you don’t want to lose the love. In my case it’s funny I actually wish I never met him I wish I never gave him my time love patience and understanding.. he did not deserve anything. I think I’m angry at myself for having been such an idiot person and still haven’t forgave myself.. i feel like a fool.. like I gave him what he needed and when it became difficult he left me like nothing.. I’m still hurt I’m just trying to realize that there is nothing I can do but take care of myself. But trust me.. i still want to cry and it has been 4 months. And he is all happy apparently from what colleagues are saying.. this makes me feel like a knife in my chest.. i just want to get my life back .i don’t know what to say but I promise you will make progress everyday. The difficulty is that those men are our routine and our life evolve around them. We need to change that and get a new routine. That’s what has helped me. Because I was spending my life waiting for something from him.. crumbs really . Keep writing in this forum and you may need to consider talking to a therapist, it could help structure your emotions and build a plan. I’m babysitting 3 little girls tonight, daughters of a friend, getting busy helps. Get your mind busy.. and tell your self you will be ok in a few years. Right now is the bottom? It can’t go further down.. stay strong one day at the time. We are for you. Hugs!!

      • Sim says:

        Hi LittleFrenchie,
        Yesterday was a fairly good day for me. I went to a workshop where I was one of the speakers and just talked about how to develop a career path in the communication field which is my job now. And then I hung out with a friend. I actually asked him what he thought of me and he said all nice things about me, which honestly helped to boost my self-esteem a bit. But then yesterday, when I went to bed, I had a dream. I dreamt of him and me being in 2 totally different worlds, it’s like the death – alive, the human being – ghost kind of world, but somehow we managed to talk to each other, and communicated to each other. And in that dream, he tried to send me some kind of…links, and when I clicked on those links, all I could see was how he proposed sweetly to his wife, how they got married, how they are happy together..and I felt like I was killed in that dream, only to wake up in tears. And I again asked myself “what day is it, and why I still feel the same?”. I start to think of myself as one of the movies in which things repeated until I go insane. Normally, he would be the one I wrote all these things to, whom I told everything, even from the tears to the dreams, to how I felt and he would try to console me, ease me. But now I couldn’t do that anymore, but I thankful at least I could still write to you, who still listen and reply me. I know most of the message are repetitive and no progress has been made yet but at least I’m not lonely. I’m at the airport now, going to a meeting in Malaysia for a few days, and sitting next to me is an old French couple who looked really happy together and that got me to sob. I miss him so much, don’t you know? I want to tell him how much i miss him and think of him and how much I want to tell him everything I just told you now. But he is not here, not with me. The image of him and his daughter and his wife takes over my head and all I feel is knife cutting through my heart and I keep bleeding. I believe you when you say things will get better, I know it will get better because this is not the first time I’ve been through such break up. But the pain it causes this time is catastrophic, it’s almost unbearable to me and it’s all eating my brain. Wherever I’m and whatever I do, I always think of him. The more I think of him, the more I miss him, the more It reminds me of his happy little family that he’s protecting and that’s when I collapsed. I’m sorry I go on and on about this. I hope you are having a better day. Hugs.

  28. Patty says:

    If he is cheating on his wife, why would he be honest with you. He’s proven he’s a liar and a cheater. His loyalty isn’t to you. It’s to his family. And of course they still sleep together. I know you may not want to hear this but I suspect you know this deep down anyway. Please move on to a man who deserves you.

  29. Marilyn says:

    I found the strength I needed to end a secret love affair I was having with a married man. That was seven months ago, and I am over him. My problem is I told my husband about the affair and even though I promised him it was over and I’m not cheating, he doesn’t trust me. He says he looks at me and sees ‘lies and secrets’ and that rebuilding trust in a relationship isn’t easy. I love my husband and want to fix our marriage. How do I convince him that he can trust me, and that I’d never have another affair?

    Thank you for sharing your stories about being involved with a married man. It does help to know I’m not alone. I hope you break free from the married men you’re involved with, because those relationships don’t go anywhere. They’re destructive and the negative consequences last longer than you know.

    Marilyn

    • Laurie says:

      Hi Marilyn,

      Here’s an article about rebuilding relationship trust after an affair –

      Rebuilding Trust in a Relationship After a Secret Love Affair
      http://howloveblossoms.com/rebuilding-trust-in-a-relationship-after-a-secret-love-affair/

      I hope it helps. My friend’s husband had an affair with her best friend, and it took her five years to really trust him again. They’re happily married now and my friend is glad she stayed with him…but it was a long road! Hopefully, you and your husband will rebuild your marriage quickly. May you and he find ways to reunite and reconnect, and find each other again.

  30. Cathy says:

    I just found this site on Friday night and it was like someone threw me a life preserver when I saw it! I cannot believe how many women out there have gone/going through the same thing with married men! I have felt so alone, sad and depressed for three years and this site and the comments made me see a light at the end of the tunnel. It gave me the courage, to write to my mm the next night and tell him we are done, until he is free!

    We have broke up and got back together so many times, I cannot even keep count, but now I see how others are treated and then dumped and I do not want to waste my time anymore. I thought my story was somehow different because of the intense love we have for each other, but now I see it’s the same story as everybody else’s.

    I found this article at a really good time, because he is away with his wife for two weeks and said he can’t talk to me. This makes it easier to make the break. Days before we had fought and I cancelled a plane ticket he had got for me to visit him next month.

    Thank’s to this site, I feel like I can finally move on with my life. Every time I start to feel weak, I read some more comments. I would share my story here too, but it is so crazy and people would think I was so dumb, it would be embarrassing!

    Thank you again for writing this article about breaking up with a married man, and ty to everyone that wrote in and shared their story 🙂

  31. InLove&Confused says:

    Hello everybody! my situation is similar but a little different. See I’m in a loveless sexless marriage and the man I’m in love with is newly married as well. We met 5 years ago I’ve known him for years and never approached him. 5 years ago was different. Seen him at the store started a conversation and we started talking daily after we exchanged numbers. Long story short……he’s had a child, I was forced to abort mine cause he said he didn’t want anymore, he got married, my marriage is still rocky and I’m stuck lonely sad depressed and wanting to be loved. When i call or text he always answers thats never been a problem. My issue is time….theres never enough of it and when there is i get brushed off or lied to but go on social media and find the real reason i was lied to. I’ve fallen so deep for this man that i dont want to be with ANYbody but him. But wrong is wrong and I feel like it needs to stop immediately! Everytime we’ve tried to break up like 10x its always tears, sadness and after about 2-4 days we makeup and pick up where we left off. My heart is breaking at my own expense. Im confused, and in love and not sure how to break it off without getting drawn back in

  32. Alia says:

    Hi there
    Firstly, it’s been really helpful to see all the other comments, and read everyone’s stories. Mine feels slightly different. I’ve been dating a married man for 5 months. We were both working on the same project abroad, living in the same city with a few other colleagues. No family. When we met, despite him being almost twice my age, we just had this amazing connection. It quickly became clear we were going to have an affair — texting all the time, sexual innuendos, going away together… I knew he was married – 30 years – and had a daughter. I was just in the mood to play a bit. He was up for the ride. From the first time we had sex, it was so intimate. He held my hand. We cuddled as we fell asleep.
    We didn’t talk too much about what was going on – he was never one to discuss feelings, but we laid out ground rules. Obviously never tell anyone, and when work is done in a few months, this will be over. I just didn’t expect that we would become so close. He let me host a dinner party at his place. He organised a surprise party for me. He made me breakfast at mine while I was in the shower. He never spoke of his wife, just his family. We never talked about feelings. We both knew this was a temporary moment in time. When I said I was going to miss him, he told me I couldn’t. There was nothing to miss. I knew what this was. True, I said, but doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to miss you! I’m so grateful for the time we got, and that we were able to have our own world where his being married almost didn’t matter. He talked about us dating. He didn’t want everything to be about sex. We sometimes just went to the movies. But I still felt that rejection, was subject to last minute changes of plan, not being able to be honest about him, knowing that I fell behind work, his family and his own needs. So while I wish we had a bit more time, I am also glad there was a natural, forced cut off. But It’s still so hard… from loosing a best friend to not being able to speak openly about how my heart is mending.

  33. Rebecca says:

    I have been involved with a married man for almost 12 years. The beginning was like a whirlwind romance. I got pregnant during our first year together and had a son. He has 3 daughters (one born a 11 months after my son). What began as a little fun, became a relationship. We talked and texted on a daily basis. About 2 years ago she saw the phone bill and called me. She pretended it was a wrong number after I told her my name. She confronted him and we changed to texting and e-mailing each other without skipping a beat. We saw each other extremely frequently. He’d even sneak me into their home while she was out with the oldest. It was exciting being in their bed (at first). Then I started paying attention to all the family photos. I’d end up leaving him feeling sad and empty. He was so amazing at times. Treated me and told me how he’s never been in love before, how he’s never let anyone in. How I was his “wife”. Once in the beginning I asked him a question and I referred to her as “your wife” and he texted me after our phone call and asked that I never call her that again. I fell hard for this man! I dropped everything to run off to meet him. Any plans I had with my family or friends quickly were canceled because he “became available”. And if I couldn’t make it, he’d flip! He’d call me every name in the book. He’d make me feel so guilty for not “putting him first”. “you really don’t love me like I love you” and then he’d threaten to leave “you have others” meaning family, my kids, my friends. Little by little he started pointing out little things that he didn’t like and obediently, I started deleting them. No more wearing dresses because he “couldn’t be with someone who dressed to get looked at” no more visiting my grandma’s house or my 2nd oldest’s home because “he (my ex) might be there. He and his wife got tattoos within days of each other and when I mentioned I was thinking about getting one, he blew up. When I asked why she could and I couldn’t, he replied, “if you want to be treated like her, then act like her” so, no tattoo for me. My makeup and fingernail polish were the next to go. “Only hoes wear red polish” my charm bracelet too, “it drew attention”. I started having to text where I was going, when I got there, send a screenshot of my location, and when I was leaving and where I was heading to next. If I fell asleep before saying good night, I’d get the cold shoulder. If I acted bothered when they went out on family vacations or I’d see pictures of them in together and get upset, he’d ALWAYS turn it around on me and I’d end up apologizing, promising never to complain again. This person has stolen 12 years of my life that I can never get back. Yes, it wasn’t all bad, but yeah, it mostly was. We had yet another fight on Saturday and he told me to leave him alone (I’ve heard that hundreds of times). I did great until today. It was his birthday and I both texted and emailed him. As usual, he told me he didn’t want to hear from me and we went back and forth. I finally just stopped and began searching for advice on how to end this. Honestly, just writing this is a big help. I’ve missed out on so much. I couldn’t go on vacations, couldn’t go to any gatherings or birthday parties because, “I’d look like a single woman”. I couldn’t spend Christmas Eve with my kids because it was a last minute plan and “that annoys him”. I cried myself to sleep that night, only to get accused of “still going and lying about it”. If I had to run to the store, I’d be rushing. I even unknowingly say, “hurry, were running late” to where my little boy would ask “late for what mommy?”. And it was because I’d be stressing, nervous about getting his, “are you still there” text. Once we had talked about and I was given permission to go to the beach with my siblings and their families, me and my kids and our parents. Only to be told, “go out there and flash your tits, have fun, I don’t care” at the last minute. I felt so guilty that my son and I stayed behind. My goodness! What a fool I’ve been! Thank you for allowing me to vent. I am praying to God for strength. I know this was wrong. I’m ready to move forward without restrictions. I’m tired of crying.

  34. hardtime says:

    Maya
    I know how hard it is. If you read down a bit my story is there friends reconnected he made the moves. I alway said if she got pregnant i am out, easier said then done. I never wanted him to leave her we would talk 3 or 4 times a week but only see each other once or twice a month cause of how far he lived away. That was good for me had my life but had some fun on the side. They have been trying along time to have kids even though he said he does not want them . 15 round of IUI and this time it took a surprise to me cause the Sunday he said they did not think it did we had a great time together the Tuesday night and Wednesday night I got the facebook message (thats right a message) that is worked. I flipped unfriended him but then had a huge panic attack so refriend him. I have seen him once since then but as he said “my wall was up” no shit, i said it would be done but he has been trying hard to say friends and I don’t know what else cause i am hearing from him everyday. i have been busy more and more but could not do no contact well today was ulta sound day and all is fine (he was worried it would not take) I have decided I need to be strong I deserve more them last min get togethers. But knowing me cant go cold turkey so I have a plan…a date Feb 28th I am fully done. I have already taken his phone number off my phone so I cant text. For me I need to go slow and steady to keep my sanity but needs to be done we deserve more. I know he will just go find someone else as I am not the first but that is for him and his wife. I am done with the way this makes me feel. I am a good person that fell into a trap and I cant fall into his again.

    • Daniella says:

      Hey,

      My Story is so similar to yours. I got divorced recently and I knew this guy through my professional network. But he was always my friend. We used to meet for lunch or coffee as I was trying to headhunt him but he was always flirting with me. I went through a rocky divorce and he was ‘there’ as a friend, but I never crossed the line, neither did I let him do that, because he was married. He has been married for 8 years but no children, every time he mentioned about his wife he was sad and always portrayed that there was nothing between them. One day I agreed to go out with him for drinks in the evening as I had finally gotten divorced and that eve after tooo many cocktails we ended up kissing and then having sex. The next day i felt soo guilty and tried to stop it immediately as having an affair with a married man is a mistake and didn’t reply to him or even speak to him for a week, but he was very persuasive and convinced me to give this relationship a shot as there was nothing between him and his wife. He always treated me with so much love and affection and always cared for me. I told him that i will start dating other men and as soon as i find someone we will end it. But every time i was on a date he used to send me a sentimental message or would try to make a “last minute” plan with me so I ended up cancelling the date. Then one fine day he told me that he couldn’t see me with anyone else and wanted to get very serious with me. I never wanted him to leave his wife as she seemed so beautiful and charming but i don’t know how i got sucked into this relationship.
      Now my whole world started revolving around him, I would end up taking time off work just to be with him during the weekdays and surviving on only 2-3 hours of sleep just to ensure we get to spend the maximum amount of time with each other and then one day he mentioned that him and his wife are going for the IVF procedure. I was okay with this at the beginning as ‘it was the right thing to do’ but as soon as the notion sunk in that I won’t be able to meet him or talk to him I was anxious. He is all in for staying friends but every time I speak to him or see him my heart skips a beat. I am trying to stay strong and have asked him not to meet or talk for a couple of months until both of us are over each other and then we can think about staying friends. I know this is a horrible thing that I have done and I feel guilty all the time but right now I’m glad I ended this affair with a married man and I’m just trying to gather courage to stay on this path..but it is extremely hard!!!

  35. Mayra says:

    I broke down and messaged him yesterday morning. Not much a response. Thought he would message when he got home. Nope. Actions speak louder than words. He can say he loves me and he hasn’t felt like this in many years. He can say whatever he wants. But truth is if that were the case he would at least have messaged me last night. I was hoping we could be friends somehow. He’s become my support and I start chemo next week and don’t know how to do this without him.

    • Rebecca says:

      I have been involved with a married man for almost 12 years. The beginning was like a whirlwind romance. I got pregnant during our first year together and had a son. He has 3 daughters (one born a 11 months after my son). What began as a little fun, became a relationship. We talked and texted on a daily basis. About 2 years ago she saw the phone bill and called me. She pretended it was a wrong number after I told her my name. She confronted him and we changed to texting and e-mailing each other without skipping a beat. We saw each other extremely frequently. He’d even sneak me into their home while she was out with the oldest. It was exciting being in their bed (at first). Then I started paying attention to all the family photos. I’d end up leaving him feeling sad and empty. He was so amazing at times. Treated me and told me how he’s never been in love before, how he’s never let anyone in. How I was his “wife”. Once in the beginning I asked him a question and I referred to her as “your wife” and he texted me after our phone call and asked that I never call her that again. I fell hard for this man! I dropped everything to run off to meet him. Any plans I had with my family or friends quickly were canceled because he “became available”. And if I couldn’t make it, he’d flip! He’d call me every name in the book. He’d make me feel so guilty for not “putting him first”. “you really don’t love me like I love you” and then he’d threaten to leave “you have others” meaning family, my kids, my friends. Little by little he started pointing out little things that he didn’t like and obediently, I started deleting them. No more wearing dresses because he “couldn’t be with someone who dressed to get looked at” no more visiting my grandma’s house or my 2nd oldest’s home because “he (my ex) might be there. He and his wife got tattoos within days of each other and when I mentioned I was thinking about getting one, he blew up. When I asked why she could and I couldn’t, he replied, “if you want to be treated like her, then act like her” so, no tattoo for me. My makeup and fingernail polish were the next to go. “Only hoes wear red polish” my charm bracelet too, “it drew attention”. I started having to text where I was going, when I got there, send a screenshot of my location, and when I was leaving and where I was heading to next. If I fell asleep before saying good night, I’d get the cold shoulder. If I acted bothered when they went out on family vacations or I’d see pictures of them in together and get upset, he’d ALWAYS turn it around on me and I’d end up apologizing, promising never to complain again. This person has stolen 12 years of my life that I can never get back. Yes, it wasn’t all bad, but yeah, it mostly was. We had yet another fight on Saturday and he told me to leave him alone (I’ve heard that hundreds of times). I did great until today. It was his birthday and I both texted and emailed him. As usual, he told me he didn’t want to hear from me and we went back and forth. I finally just stopped and began searching for advice on how to end this. Honestly, just writing this is a big help. I’ve missed out on so much. I couldn’t go on vacations, couldn’t go to any gatherings or birthday parties because, “I’d look like a single woman”. I couldn’t spend Christmas Eve with my kids because it was a last minute plan and “that annoys him”. I cried myself to sleep that night, only to get accused of “still going and lying about it”. If I had to run to the store, I’d be rushing. I even unknowingly say, “hurry, were running late” to where my little boy would ask “late for what mommy?”. And it was because I’d be stressing, nervous about getting his, “are you still there” text. Once we had talked about and I was given permission to go to the beach with my siblings and their families, me and my kids and our parents. Only to be told, “go out there and flash your tits, have fun, I don’t care” at the last minute. I felt so guilty that my son and I stayed behind. My goodness! What a fool I’ve been! Thank you for allowing me to vent. I am praying to God for strength. I know this was wrong. I’m ready to move forward without restrictions. I’m tired of crying.

  36. Mayra says:

    It’s one of the hardest things to do, he has become one of my best friends these last few months. I turn to him for so much support and laughs. However, logically he isn’t mine to do this with and I would never want him to leave his family and break his kids hearts. So. I have to do what is best even if it makes me feel like I’m dying inside. I’ll get thru this.

  37. Mayra says:

    Thankful someone understands. Friend from past reconnnected. Fun chats for a couple months without anything sexual. Then it changed. I am now the hypocrite I’ve always despised and yet I feel like I never have before. We’ve only been together a few times but I see the emotional drain it’s causing me. I know I need to end it but part of me wants to believe so badly the overtures of love and how I make him feel. I start chemo in a week and the idea of doing it without is support is breaking my heart. But I also know he can never be there for me the way I need and deserve. I know I have to end this affair with a married man and focus on my healing. Thanks so much for a safe place to turn to.

    • Forget-me-not says:

      It is draining and the guilt is such a burden to carry. It seems so difficult for us to think of us first and take good care of ourselves. It is not that difficult to sweep a woman off her feet, men are smart and know that very well. However it does not seem so easy for them to keep a woman feeling loved, desired and happy. Somehow, these married men tend to know how to do that to us and yet, the price is so high. Have courage!

  38. Forget-me-not says:

    Hello to you all,

    I too, like all of you am involved with a married man. I have not read all the comments here but seeing that there are so many makes me feel less alone. I’ve met my married man, my soulmate, the love of my life more than four years ago. He first told me he was separated and lived with a friend. I was newly separated myself and was doing great. I was seeing other men but was not interested in a relationship at all. I thought he was just going to be just like the others. No attachment. I was not yet healed from my separation (I left an alcoholic). He was pursuing me but I was slow to give in but once we spent the night together, it just clicked. Still I did not get attached but we kept seeing each other and of course eventually we both got deeply involved and fell in love – physically, mentally and even more so spiritually. I’ve never experienced a bond like this and he hasn’t either. Out of this world and not fake in any way. I did find out he was still married eventually and was shocked and gutted but it was too late. He explained that he just sleeps on the sofa in the basement. He went there for his kids. Really, I’ve never met a man who cares so much for his kids. He is a great father and a very caring man – I got to give him that. Helps out anyone in need and all the lost souls in the street always seem to gravitate toward him. I believed him. He sent me pictures of him sleeping on the sofa, he would skype me in the middle of the night from there and he even went to the extend of letting me hear his conversation with his sons how he sleeps there (over the phone). I also believed him because I had similar arrangement with my ex for almost a year. His family is 5hrs from my town and he was working here when I met him. He ended up staying with me for a few months and went to see his kids every few weeks but of course stayed at the house. When his work here was done he went back which was horrible. He then suffered a difficult financial situation and could not back up his promise to leave his wife. After two years, he got work here again and actually moved in with me but still went back there about every 4-weeks. He still did not tell his kids or his wife but his friends and his family all know about me. I met most of them too and he is always proud to show me off and tells everyone how much he loves me. He lived with me for over two years but now his work is far again – from me and from his family. And that is when I realized that this will not work. He visited his kids and wife when he got a break and not me. I had to fly there to see him – he did pay for everything though. He made a trip with his family to see his son play football in NY, with his kids and wife and her family. Stayed in the same hotel room as her. That devastated me and that is when I lost it. He did it last year and it hurt me like hell but I forgave him and told him never again. But he did it again this year and that is when I knew I need to let him go. I gave him ultimatums and he was shocked and at first it looked like he was finally going to act but in the end, he is still pushing it, delaying it, letting me down over and over. Pushing my limits but blaming me for not hearing his side of the story! How dare he, I have been living by his way, in his side of the story for 4 years but now I finally get some backbone and our relationship is suddenly too much work and struggle. How typical. I am gutted and so disillusioned.
    I thought we’d be the exception but I see that we are just the exact norm of an affair. So I am ending it. I haven’t seen him over a month but he is coming on Monday to “talk about it”. I will be packing his boxes and see him leave with them. I will hear him out but there is no more room for negotiations. I have been ruthless with my messages and texts and over the phone and he became distant. I am up and down from sad to angry, giving in for a bit and getting even angrier the next day. There are days I feel nothing and just float through the day. He has taken my forgiveness and understanding for granted. I do not understand how he ended up like this and feel so lost and yet, I know I have to walk away from this man, who remove the circumstances is truly my soulmate. However, we lived in a fantasy land and he is unwilling to cross over to the real world. At this point, I’m not even sure I want him to. I don’t think that I’d have the strength to deal with the drama and mess that would result from this. I don’t feel like being branded as ‘ the home wrecker’ and ‘the other woman’. I think at this point, to come out with the truth will be so messy that his kids will hate me. So I have to end it and let him sort his life or not on his terms and timeframes. I’ve sacrificed enough and I am drained and exhausted from it all. I am so lucky in amazing friends who love me and are helping me get through this. I am 48 and the thought of my future is very daunting. I’m not even sure I can truly recover enough from this to ever be with another man but I can be on my own and with my kids no problem. I will do my best to part in a peaceful way and keep good memories of the love I got to experience with this man. I think he will end up the more miserable one since his life is such a mess. Good luck to everyone here. I truly feel your pain but we are better than that and deserve dignity and self-respect.

    • ikthefeeling says:

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. Reading this describes the exact situation that I’m in right now. You are so brave for putting the end to the relationship. You are so right that under different circumstances that he may have been your soul mate. That thought has always been the one to prevent me from ending it, but not this time. We do both deserve better, wishing you the best and all the happiness for the future.

      • Forget-me-not says:

        Oh, it is such a lonely and difficult road to hold on to a love like this. My MM said that he will prove to me that we are not like the statistics. Because he could not muster the courage to do the right thing until now, he let me down so many times that I did not have much hope anymore. Today he told his wife and his kids that he is leaving to live with me. I don’t know what kind of other hardships are ahead of us, or even the outcome of all this but for the love that we share, if he went and did this, I will believe that it is possible for us to build a life around our love. Thank you ikthefeeling. Your words gave me much comfort in quite dark hours. Best of luck to you and wishing you the best outcome possible. Hugs.

  39. hardtime says:

    My Story, Were were friends he went to kiss me i turned away but we stayed friends and eventually sleeping together. They were trying to have kids I said once your wife is pregnant this is over. Well the test keep coming back negative so after this round of IVF thought the same. We had a great night together then the next day he found out and told me. I tried not to talk to him he wants to stay friends. My heart is so conflicted I know it need to stop talking to him but have not yet. I hope i have the strength to say no when he wants to see me. Were were friends on and off for 15 years before this all started. Because of how far we live apart I have never met the wife. I feel for her and I need to stop this but heart and head and saying too different things and I am having a hard time

    • Melanie says:

      Hi, I feel for you. I’m stuck in the same boat. Well, I have to own that i put myself here, but i too am involved with a married man. Some day’s I feel so disgusted that i allowed myself to get into this situation. Its only been a couple of months, but it mostly felt fantastic. The attention i mean. Clicked on common interests, sex off the charts. He’d text practically all day long (even around her) and make sure to call daily. Well, his attentiveness has started to decrease. Texts much less. Missed a day here and there of calling. And, we’re arguing more lately. Lately, because “I ask too many questions.” He told me he was unfaithful once before on a business trip. Also, texted a woman from an online game site a few years back. And, now me. He tells me he doesnt like the person his wife is or her child. Told me in the beginning he was sleeping on the sofa, yet 3 weeks ago his neck “hurt” so badly he had to sleep in bed again. Swears there is no sex. Yet, my stomach turns when he uses phrases all the time like “we” referring to her. “We” go to church on Sundays and then sends one or 2 texts on the weekends. Thats not at all what i signed up for.
      I am going to end this for my own peace of mind and self worth.

      • hardtime says:

        Melanie thanks for writing back. He go through texting and calling everyday to less and less and less. When i ask him why”work”is busy. Well since this news and me saying lets not see each other. the texts and calls are coming all the time. He is even telling me times he is going to call(that never happened before) I try to stay busy so I am not around when he calls (i cant bring myself to block the number) I still find myself happy to hear his vice. But then I get sad.
        Melanie we can and will get through this your right, self worth is so important. Just hard to be strong

      • broken spirit says:

        The sooner you can end the better. I’ve been involved for 4 and half months. Not easy. It was never on my terms. I had to face my fear and gone through my emotions and grieving and set my boundaries and stick to it. He will disappear on his own when he no longer gets what he wants. Let him go and heal.

  40. justme88 says:

    Hi
    Please dont judge me here as I ask u questions about my situation.

    I am currently involve with a married man for a year now. And I am pregnant with his baby. I am due on next month. His wife is also pregnant through IVF. Yes it does suck cos we are only 3 weeks apart. She gives birth first before me.

    Me and him work together in the same company. I stopped working atm cos im pregnant. He lives in Australia, I live in the Philippines. He is working currently abroad. He asked me before to give him time to deal about his family. Cos it isnt easy at the moment for him. His wife knows all about me and our upcoming baby too.

    He came here to meet my family, told everyone he is undergoing on a divorce which I thought he was. On the place where he works now, everyone knows that his partner is Me. We talk everyday, he calls me everyday. He is so so much willing to get involved with my baby girl and me.

    I am so confused now with what to do.
    I want to leave him seriously. But I cant.
    I tried many times but still end up being normal again to him. Cos he is telling me he loves me and honestly wants to be with me. But i dont think there will be a divorce that will happen anymore.
    I keep on telling myself that I will move on when i give birth. Cos i dont want to stress myself out while im still pregnant.

    Do u think i should just cut ties immediately or as in NOW.? Or just wait till i give birth cos for sure my baby will help me get this easier to get over with.

    Please no rude comments. I know i must be condemned but I just fell in love. And have been stupid.

    • Heartbreak says:

      Dear justme88, please know first of all that you will not be judged or condemned here. We all support each other. We are all involved in affairs, that’s why we are on this site. If you have a baby with this man, it will be very hard to cut contact with him, especially since he and his wife both have acknowledged the fact. I assume he wants to be there in his daughter’s life. Having said that, it’s kind of hard to decide whether to start limited contact with him from now or wait till the baby is born. Either way he will not really ever go out of your life. And it’s hard to move on from a married man unless you totally cut him out of your life. I am sorry there is no easy answer to this. It must be very hard to deal with all this. My heart goes out to you.

      • justme88 says:

        Hello Heartbreak,
        Thank you for responding to me.

        Yeah its really really hard for me.
        If only he is treating me like he doesn’t love me. But he still does. That’s why I seriously can easily believe in his words.

        I am just now trying to be civil with him, and told him that he can only call or message me if its about our baby. But he doesnt agree with it. So its really really tough for me.

        I want to regret everything that happened but it makes me feel guilty for baby girl. Cos if it didnt happen, i wouldn’t have her. If you know what I mean.

        Hope you are doing well!
        Thanks so much.

    • Forget-me-not says:

      Dear Justme88. In my opinion, first take good care of yourself and the baby that is to come soon. I don’t think you should make any hasty changes right now and I am certain that you can take a couple of months to recover from the birth, adapt to your new life as a mother and when you have all the strength back, you can deal with the rest. Good luck and a wonderful new life with a healthy and good baby

      • Forget-me-not says:

        Best of luck to you Melanie as well. We certainly are not alone in this situation.

      • justme88 says:

        So his wife just delivered their IVF baby. And I am due in the next 2 weeks. And here alone. Trying to believe that he will also be here when I give birth. I tried cutting our communication for 3 days, but that’s all I can do. I started talking to him again because of our baby whom he loves as well. He still tells me he loves me though. But it hurts as much. And he really wants to be a part of our baby til she grows old. I honesly cannot wait for her to be born so I can start moving on with our lives.
        I dont think I will ever fall in love again with a single guy and definitely not with a mrried man anymore!
        I am really do hoping that once I have my baby in my arms, I wouldnt think much about him anymore and I could get my life back on track.
        This pain hurts like hell.

  41. Brown girl says:

    Hi, I have been involved with my married man since 6 months and have cut off communication since 3 days. I knew him when I was 17 and he was 21 but nothing progressed into a relationship. We connected again at the age of 31. We both are married, I have a young child as well. It was very toxic some days as he was very measured in his approach to me, while I used to throw caution to the wind and want to see him and speak to him on the phone every chance I get. When he had his good days he was very vocal about his love for me and made me feel like no one ever had, our conversations about life were very deep and our connection was unreal. We made no promises to leave our spouses, but last week I realised I’m fooling myself that this will just organically fade away, I wanted more and I wanted to give it a shot in the real world to which he refused stating that I had responsibilities with my daughter and I needed to give her a stable home. We never slept with each other, it was just an emotional relationship, with hand holding and we finally kissed when we said goodbye. I wanted to ask you women who have been through this, would it be a good idea to have another baby right now? Does it heal you and do the pregnancy hormones help in the forgetting process. I would really like to start over, and my MM will stay away and not contact me, so if I am strong I know I can pull through. I need a reason not to lapse, I’m very vulnerable right now.

    • Heartbreak says:

      Hello brown girl. Although I was thinking that I will not comment any further on this site, I read what you wrote and I felt compelled to say something. If you realized only after six months that it is toxic and you want to come out, more power to you. So many of us pass years in this fog, getting more and more involved until it just tips us over the edge. I think it is a brilliant idea to get pregnant again, I feel it’s one of the best ways to get over a married man. The pregnancy and having the baby will pull you right out of it. I got over a mm in the same way, I just didn’t want to engage anymore although he tried to stay in my life. So I’d say just go for it! Good luck

      • Brown girl says:

        Thank you so much for replying 🙂 It’s just what I needed to hear. I hope to get over this initial painful period soon. It’s so scary to anticipate what lies ahead but I have faith it will be for the best.

      • Seed says:

        I also got pregnant to get over him. please can you tell me a bit more about your story and how you pulled through and where you are right now?

      • Brown girl says:

        Hi heartbreak, like Seed even I would like to know your journey once you got pregnant (if you’re comfortable sharing). How was your emotional state, did you lapse at all? Did you inform him you were pregnant and how soon did you stop feeling like reaching out to him? Is your baby born now?

    • Brown girl says:

      I am not quite sure why my heart just chooses to ignore such glaring flaws in our relationship. We would get such limited time, and he would still choose to not call me at times because ‘he didn’t feel like it’. I on the other hand, used to move mountains and change around my entire days schedule if I knew he had a window to speak to me. He didn’t even call me on our 6 month anniversary, he texted me and wished me, and said his cab guy spoke English so he didn’t want to arouse suspicion (?! WTF!) he hardly even wanted to meet me, he used to say it’s not good for me and plus people might see us. But, on days he was troubled or having fights with his wife, he used to talk for hours and ask me for advice and I used to indulge him and shut out any feelings I may have, and give him unbiased advice. He used to also tell me every time he used to ‘slip up’ and sleep with his wife (he said he was working on moving out of the house) and claim that when he’s in R.E.M. deep sleep he thinks it’s me in front of him. We never got intimate in our time together, lack of oppportunuty and also lack of effort from his side. I was willing to give him my all. And all this time, my husband is so wonderful, truly cares about me and my daughter and is always so proud that his wife is so honest and truthful. I feel like crap and I just wonder why I’m such a masochist? It was those few days / maybe weeks where he used to shower me with I love yous and words of adoration that used to keep me hooked. I feel terrible that I even miss him. And I do. It’s been 5 days.

      • Heartbreak says:

        It didn’t seem like a great relationship, nothing to hang your hat on. If you aren’t even getting the basics of love care and respect, then an extra marital affair is just way more trouble than it’s worth. It’s way more trouble than it’s worth anyway, but at least if you are getting some sort of happiness or validation, there is something to say for that. The no contact is one of the hardest things on earth, and even though at times you ask yourself whether maintaining no contact is really worth the agony it is causing you, please try to stick with it. Don’t be like me and so many other women on this site who have given in time and time again because we get suckered back in by breaking NC. You are not a masochist, you are a human being and a woman at that. Be kind to yourself, and keep this guy out. Take care

    • Played and Heart Broken says:

      Hi. I would just like to ask all u ladies as to whether it would be a good idea to contact the wife and inform her of her husband’s affair. I have been so 2 minded and I am in a state where I feel like all I want are answers for his behavior and his treatment towards me and I feel like I will only get it if I contact his wife and find out for myself. My so called married man insisted that he was separated from his wife but still lives in the same house as his wife and child and says he only does it for his daughter. He always uses his daughter as an excuse and then gets agitated at me for complaining or fighting about it which then leads him to disappear for hours or days and then comes back pretending as if nothing happened. This man has made me cut all contact with my husband( my husband left me, but soon after realized all his mistakes and was trying evergthing to come back to me), he made me put my life on hold for him, has kept me bound indoors…. If I just even mentioned going out he would throw a tantrum and keep on making me choose between him and what I wanted to do. On 1 occasion he got so jealous that I was surrounded by other guys he made me leave the party, drove me home, threw a tantrum and then abused me and accused me of wanting other men. I have been noticing all of his lies, his manipulations and his disappearing acts on weekends, holidays and leave. Just last week he was on 1 week leave and I have not even heard from him or seen him in that one week. After investigating it I found out his wife was also on leave the same time. When I questioned him about it his response was that it was just a coincidence and I was being delusional. Today he met me at a restaurant after 3 weeks of avoiding me and his words to me was that I was chasing him like a dog and he doesn’t need to give me any proof and he doesn’t want to give me any proof. The worst part of this all, is that I work with him and he is my boss. I am 27 and he is 40. I feel like I owe myself those answers but at the same time I’m really scared about my job and what he will do to retaliate if I go to his wife. He has always expected a proper relationship from me and yet has never been able to give me one. Every time I question him or fight with him he turns around and blames me for everything. I really don’t know what to do because this is my first time being put in a situation like this and I went against all of my beliefs and values only because he convinced me that he would never hurt me and never put me in the same position my husband did. He kept insulting my husband and calling him all names for what he did to me and said he would never do that to any women yet at this point in time its all he has been doing and if I even mention it to him he thens gets aggressive saying I’m comparing him to my puss husband. Apart from all this personal stuff i also feel he has been screwing me over at work too. I have been overlooked and avoided when it comes to work as well. Please help with some advice as I really don’t know what I should do anymore.

      • Heartbreak says:

        Dear P and HB, abort mission right there! This idea of letting the wife know about what her husband is doing is an idea that occurs to all of us, believe me. Because we get so frustrated by the mm up and down behavior, their lies and blowing us off and all the other drama that goes down. And you know what? We may hate the wife because we are in competition with her for her husband, but believe me she is just an ordinary woman like us with dreams and aspirations and faith in this man she is actually unfortunate to be married to. Telling her and breaking her heart and their family is not worth it. At best it’s a low thing to do and at worse you lead to sundering the family apart. And the mm will hate you, and it will have dire repercussions at work for you. And the answers you are looking for will never come. I have been looking for answers for one year now, and did not get him to even open his mouth, forget about actually saying something that may make sense out of nonsense. I had to get out and make my own closure, and leave the poor deluded wife to her own resources. I can get out of my affair with mm, she is stuck with him! The man you are talking about seems very controlling and probably abusive. Don’t do this to yourself. The only way in a situation that is dramatic and serves no one is to opt out. You can’t understand him, and his wife doesn’t deserve the revenge directed against her. Hope that helps.

      • TryingtoBreakFree says:

        Wow he’s very controlling…run for your life…dont tell his wife…one day she will find out on her own…everything in the dark does come to the light…

      • Played and Heart Broken says:

        Dear Heartbreak

        Thank you for responding. However I didn’t have any intentions to hurt her or to ruin him. I feel played but I just wanted to let her know what he husband gets up to. If it were me I would have wanted some one to come and tell me. And I don’t know maybe I feel sorry for her that she would have to put up with a man like that. I don’t hate her and I never was in any competition cos I didn’t know she still existed in his life. Its him that’s the problem and up until today he doesn’t feel the need to explain anything. Today he asked me to meet him as he wanted to talk….. We spoke and he cleared a few misunderstandings about work and then he started getting all romantic, after the sex he just upped and was ready to leave without even satisfying any of my needs. I got angry and started calling him out on it in return it only ended up in a huge fight where I was abused and ended up with a hurt hand and bust lip. It hurts me so much that he as a boss or even so called bf can resort to measures like that. How do I even face him at work any longer? How do I even report to him every day when I have lost all respect for him now? I cannot even quit my job because I’m so financially indebted from my marriage that I practically work to pay off my debts right now. Not once has the mm even helped me financially or even bought me groceries in my house yet he knows how much I’ve been struggling. At first he was totally diff and now he has become like a nightmare. Even when I ignore him, he keeps contacting me and calling me to his office, he keeps asking to see me and its always just at my house….. Nowhere that’s public. I’m in such a predicament and I really don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep feeling like I just wanna end my life cos of everything. Its too much for me too handle. Even if I wanna go away from him he doesn’t let me. He gets jealous if I even talk to another man at work but he can flirt and talk to any women he wants to and I shouldn’t comment. He constantly checks my phone to see who I’ve been chatting to and expects me to prove myself every time but he doesn’t prove anything to me. He does as he pleases, goes where he wants and doesn’t tell me anything about where he is or what he’s doing. But I can’t even leave my house without 10000 questions and proof of where I’m going and with who I’m going with etc. I just wish he would get exactly what he deserves.

      • This really hurts says:

        OMG my married man is also my boss and the highs and lows are dreadful. He also gets jealous about other guys but has no issues talking about going to a nice din with his wife. Finally today he blew up at me and acted super distant and cold even though we had a lovely chat on the phone. Of course it was when he was in the car. I’m not permitted to text or call him. I’m dreading work now after today but all of my loved ones have told me to cut the cord and end all contact which really sucks bc he’s also like my closest friend. I talk to him more than anyone but I know he’s never going to leave his family and I’ll just be left in the dark. This hurts like no other but we have to be strong and dump them. I guarantee when we all pull away they will try to suck us back in. That has happened to me numerous times when I try to break it off. Now I have to resign and stick to it. I wish you all the best of luck breaking free and liberating yourselves from a truly devastating, toxic situation. I totally get how hard it is bc they can make you feel on top of the world but they also can make you feel like the lowest life form possible.

      • Played and Heart Broken says:

        Hi,

        I’m really in such a predicament that I have no idea what to do any longer. I can’t focus on work, I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t stop crying. So after investigating further on my mms 1 week of leave at the same time as his wife…. I have now found out that it wasn’t just a coincidence. But he still lies to me and tells me otherwise trying to constantly keep me in his life. I have now went to the extent of getting his wife cellphone number….. I track their daily WhatsApp activity and they always seem to be online at the same time, go 2 bed at the same time, wake up at the same time. She posts pics of their daughter doing activities which he also has. All of this cannot be a coincidence. I have not told him I have her number or that I know much more stuff than he tells me. But upon questioning him he just goes into a psycho frenzy and throws a fit. He has made it so difficult for me to even go to work and be around him. He has eventually this week admitted to lying and said he is really sorry for hurting me. He said he doesn’t want us to be enemies and would still like us to be friends. But he won’t answer any of my questions just repeatedly apologizes and swears that he doesn’t sleep with his wife or hasn’t been unfaithful to me in any way and that he just has a living arrangement with his wife. I then told him I will never ever be able to trust him again and want nth to do with him. I told him that he is a liar, cheater and manipulator. He just keeps apologizing but says nth else. I eventually got to the point and told him he needs to tell his wife or I will end up doing that. He didn’t get angry or throw any tantrums…. He just ignored it and continuously changes the topic. I am my wits end and this is eating me up mentally, physically and emotionally. I try to stay clear of him and ignore him but he just keeps on calling, texting or making me go to his office for work reasons. When I leave his office he will comment about my dressing or what I’m wearing or why I’m wearing that. I cannot ignore his calls cos of work reasons. I’m so tired and I feel like I just want let his wife know and for him to get what he deserves. I cannot even quit my job at the present moment and he knows that very well. Please help!

    • Heartbreak says:

      Hi dear seed and brown girl. I don’t mind sharing. This was more than ten years ago. I was trying to get pregnant for 5 years, I had to take infertility treatment for all these years and nothing worked. I was so sad and dispirited from it all, and when this guy at work started flirting with me, I just fell for him and it turned into an affair. It didn’t last very long, a few months only, but somehow I have a habit of forming attachments quickly. He was the typical unavailable guy, reaching out when he chose to. Lots of words but not enough action to match. So after I gave up all hopes of getting pregnant again, and was trying to accept that maybe this is the will of God, I started feeling unwell and and lo and behold, there was the positive pregnancy test. Me and my husband were over the moon, and we started planning and telling family and all the things that go with a much longed for pregnancy. So somehow the grip this man had on my psyche dimmed, I had so much more to think of. I did tell him that I was pregnant, but that didn’t seem to bother him. In the first few months I was so nauseous and unwell that I didn’t really have the energy to engage with this guy. When he felt that I was losing interest, he kind of upped the ante and started calling and trying to see me, but I didn’t engage any further. Not picking up the first few calls was a bit hard, but then it got easier. I never relapsed. A little quirk of my psyche is that I fall hard and heavy, but when the worm turns, it turns suddenly and then nothing on earth will make me budge from my stance. So although he kept appearing like a bad penny and even to this day, he keeps asking me to come back, I never spared him a second thought from the day I was done. So by the time my baby was born, I was well out of it. I don’t know if this helps you, I hope it did. Take care

      • Brown girl says:

        Thank you Heartbreak. I’m really praying to get pregnant again so I can just close this chapter and move on. Your story has given me hope. I just don’t want to lapse and call him again, it’s just such a pointless exercise to keep going back to him because if there’s one thing he’s been certain of right from the beginning it’s that we don’t have a future together. We parted ways in September last year for a month (amicably because it was the right thing to do) but by October I called him one vulnerable morning and asked him if we could be friends (which obviously resulted in just picking up where we left off). Dating a MM is just so frustrating and exciting at the same time right? So suddenly there’s this big gap where there used to be so much stimulation, which fuels a craving to reach out again.
        The only reason why I’m unable to just hate my MM is that he’s always been protective of my situation, he’s constantly told me that I have a responsibility to my family and my daughter and that we shouldn’t cross any lines where we are betraying them (I.e – kissing / physical intimacy) but holding hands was alright. He also used to avoid seeing me so that our physical contact was controlled and I used to have to really coax him to meet. He used to tell me we are soul mates and if we do the right thing in this lifetime by keeping to our family duties then karma would find a way for us to be together again in our next life. But all this being said, he used to constantly tell me he loves me, and wish we were together, and ofcourse he was very happy that I was so emotionally available to him. I feel like he could have easily taken so much advantage of my feelings towards him and the fact that I was more than willing to be physically intimate, but he never let that happen. What do I make of all this? If I could hate him, or say he took advantage of me…and I just want to move on…then that resentment would help. I just don’t know what to do, so I’m hoping I just get pregnant again and my hormones help reset my life. I want to stop leading a double life with my husband and MM and just go back to a stable existence without such extreme highs and lows, which eventually add up to nothing. It was also such a measured affair that he completely controlled the reigns of the affair. I’ve been without contact for about a week now and the extreme sobbing has stopped but I do feel very sad very often and I miss him so much. I initiated this break up, so the decision is all on me.

  42. Curious says:

    People who choose to have long term, short term or random sex (think AFF), what part of your self esteem is so damaged that you choose to do this?

    Flirting, chasing and having sex with people you know are married OR you are the married person in pursuit of the liaison the WHY is a huge question to ask yourself. Unless you are in a legitimate Open Marriage or Open Relationship, this type of behavior is destructive to you and all the people who aren’t even aware you are acting with malicious intent. It would NOT be malicious intent if there were a modicum of honesty to tell your SO or have the character traits to settle for so little with a married person. That would indicate a level of self worth and integrity.

    So why to you choose to DO this? Why do you not value yourself? Why have you decided that aiming beneath the bar of common self-respect is better than saying NO to a sexual relationship under the auspice of unattainable ‘romantic’ mirage?

    • Brown Girl says:

      No one really starts off wanting to wreck their married man’s family life or even their own. It’s such a slippery slope that you really don’t know when the situation is out of control and you’re left absolutely vulnerable. I used to be so judgemental until it happened to me.

    • lifelessons says:

      Curious, you can ask as many questions as you want. We can explain this to you using a thousand words, but unless you go through this yourself, you will never truly understand.

    • Annoyed says:

      Curious,

      I always hated side chicks, didn’t respect “the other women”, and vowed, I mean VOWED, that I would NEVER do that. You would be surprised how manipulative and persuading some men can be. They will lie, deceive, and make you “understand” their “individual” situation. They are not like “the rest”. It was definitely hard for my married man to get me entangled in this mess. I was his friend and coworker, and was even happily dating. We would share stories (he was cheating before with other women), and he would even give me advice on my failed romances. But like a insect too close to the web, once you fall in you’re trapped. I would also advice you not to sound so condescending about women in this situation -especially in this blog. I’m not sure if your’e young, inexperienced, or just closed minded, but there is hurt here that can’t be healed with chocolate, poetry, nor logic. The world is full of situations, shades of colours, and diversity. You can be raised perfectly well, you could have the most confidence in the world, you can be the best, good hearted person, and still end up in this situation. As a matter of fact, most women that do are GREAT women. So please don’t come here preaching to the choir. We’ve all been in your shoes, and I won’t be surprised if you end up writing a blog here yourself one day.

    • LearningFromYouAll says:

      Dear Curious,

      honestly, I dont think this is something which can be chosen…it comes with such a power that it completely throws you out of your balance and no matter how hard you try to reason and concentrate on your moral values nothing makes sense anymore. I was one of those who swore to never ever get involved with a married man, that it could never happen to me because I knew exactly what I wanted out of my life. Then he came and I forgot everything, the whole world was spinning…but you cannot understand unless you go through something like that. For your own good I hope you ever wont, but please dont judge people…

  43. Crystall says:

    I guess we never expect to be in a sticky situation like this one. Mostly we here from friends and loved ones. You hear the hate which they talk about the side chick or the other woman. Forgetting that if a marriage is build strongly no one will be able to break in it. Most woman who are in relationships with married man or involved go through a lot of psychological pain and suffering, low selfesteem. Thinking that the man will leave and you will get your happily ever after. I went through the same being as young as I am and innocent. I never would have thought or considered being with a married man. It was sweet and exciting, I was afraid of love didnt want something serious. I always knew he was married from the beginning, she was in a diferent country and he was alone you could say. They saw each other once a year. He always treated me well, totall gentle man but as time passed. You start to realize that you as a woman want more, you need more affection, not just what he gives you when he can. It’s sad when you think about it knowing since the beginning that It’s not going to end well. I went through a rollercoaster of feeling, emotions. Never felt as bad in my life as I did. Now I see that no matter how good they are and how sweet and good man they are. Things will never change they want someone to warm their bed for a couple of hours, feel free for a moment and than go back to their regular lives. If your reading this and you’re doubting of leaving him. Ask yourself if it’s fair to be with someone who hides you, with whom you have to live a double life, you can barely tell anyone. We are not dirty secrets, we are woman who deserve to be cherished and loved, dont ever settle for less than that. Leaving the relationship if you can call it that is hard, you will cry want to go back. He will text you, try to convince you to go back, that he cares and loves you and he might. But thats not enough we need to be the one and only woman in a relationship with a man. It feels so good to be able to walk around with someone hand in hand without being paranoid that someone is going to see, telling family and friends and being excited about it. We all deserve that be strong. When he contacts you to see him, remember all the things you are losing for being with someone who is taken and ask yourself if you would be able to do that to the person you love. Love yourself and you will learn and understand that you’re more than a man who wants you because he’s not confident enough or man enough because of his problems since childhood. A man who can’t keep his word or promises when he married someone, he will never change and you will always stay the side chick you will never be more than that to him.

    • Anonymous says:

      Thank you for that Crystall. I’m now on my first full day of zero contact with my married mam. Again I decided last night that the future he is now promising me just simply can’t be. I will not terminate my pregnancy and that’s the only option I have for staying with him. He finally told me he can’t do this anymore either. He can’t cry anymore.
      I broke down and cried once today, but every time I go to do it again I have to keep reminding myself of how many lies I have told over the years. I have been lying to everyone who is most important to me for 5 years. I’ve been sneaking around with this married man, ignoring my own husband who loves me more then anyone in this world. I have taken my husband for granted and I am finally realizing that. It’s been such a hard day but I find myself wanting to talk to my husband more and be excited about becoming parents. I still feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and I know I’ll have some good moments and bad moments, but hopefully as time passes I’ll have more good. I so badly want to reach out to my mm but I don’t want to give him any mixed signals. Just looking for the strength to get through the next few hours, days, weeks. I don’t know how I will do it but all of these comments have helped.

      • Heartbreak says:

        Hi anonymous. I just wanted to say that i knows its hard, but you made the best decision. You will feel so much better once the pregnancy progresses and they baby starts moving inside you. It’s a different world altogether, you and your baby. This is the best time to get over your mm. All of this will fade into insignificance once the baby is born, trust me as someone who’s been through that and come out the other side. He would never have asked you to terminate the baby if he truly loved you. Stay strong and stop engaging with him, it will serve no purpose. No contact really is the only way, otherwise they keep drawing you in.

      • Olga says:

        I’m praying for you..every child is a blessing remember that..

    • Olga says:

      Wow..I really don’t know what to say while reading your comments.i am at the moment is married to a Muslim man who is married.though in Islam it’s allowed to marry more than one the thought of having another woman aside from me is killing me inside..he’s first wife doesn’t know that he have me as a second wife.only he’s mom and sisters knows that I am exist.though I haven’t met them personally.you know whether you are Christian and Muslim this situation is inevitable..he provides anything for me.but when you love someone you want to spend more time with him right.in my case I need to swallow my pride 😔😪 but until when..I am 17 weeks pregnant with our first child at the moment but I’m really planning to ask him to divorce me.though I don’t have the right to get jealous but I can’t avoid it.i am thinking I can’t work at the moment because of my situation.i am living in Saudi arabia and the only one who provides My needs is him.i only wait until I give birth so that I can sort this things out..I pray to God for strength I don’t wish other women to be in my shoes.we deserve much better..we are the daughter of the king..sometimes I asked myself why I allowed myself into this kind of situation.my only advice to you young ladies please think a hundred times before you go in this relationship..don’t rush and most of all seek Gods help in prayer..I’m praying I can surpass this relationship for the sake of my baby..please include me in your prayers..thank you and God bless you all✌️

    • Anonymous says:

      Olga thank you. I need all the prayers I can get. I went one full day of zero contact. He reached out to me the next day and I told him my decision remains the same. Last night I get a text that he is in the hospital and lost control of his car. Today I found out that they ruled out a heart attack and stroke, and thinks it could be low blood pressure, but that his heart was irregular. I now can’t help but believe this is all my fault. He tells me it’s not, but I seriously feel like I’m losing my mind. Now he is saying he wants me to go away with him. I feel like I’m on this insane roller coaster and can’t make it stop. I am again at a total loss and have no one to talk to about it but him. Again he is telling me he isn’t leaving me and leaving isn’t an option. Wtf have I gotten myself into???

      • Seed says:

        You will be fine,it’s all a lie! My married man of 3 years used to say the same to me!they all said it so just relax and let him go!

  44. Sharon says:

    Please be aware that not everything you read in these articles are going to be exactly what your married man does; however, I guarantee a huge chunk of it does. The ex-MN in my life always said he was sorry and that he understood where I was coming from, but the only reason he did that is because he knew I was the type of person who wouldn’t put up with him not acknowledging, in some way, the pain he was causing me. So, in turn, his apologies were actually his way of manipulating me further. Manipulating me to stay with him longer, and longer, and longer, for nearly 5 years.

    Throughout the many posts I’ve read on this site, as well as what’s happened to me personally, it’s clear that there have been numerous lies told, promises broken, silent treatments given, guilt-shaming, blame-shifting, false or vague explanations, etc. Also, be aware (look beyond of yourself) that just because he’s not doing certain things to you, it doesn’t mean he’s not doing them to his wife. The bottom line is you’re being abused (emotionally brainwashed and manipulated) and so is she.

    No one knows for certain what his wife has endured while he’s been allowed to play with his new toy (me and you). Everything he’s told you about her is a lie, and only a projection of himself onto her. He knows you’re the type of person who will save the day for him, and he’s actually hoping you’ll stick around forever, just like he wants his wife to do.

    The truth is, while you’re getting the Golden period, she’s being devalued (manipulated – see above); and when you’re being devalued, she’s (or a new source of supply) getting the Golden period. Either way, he gets the best of both worlds; both you and his wife get half a life.

    Copied from “Knowing the Narcissist”:

    What’s It all For – https://narcsite.com/2017/01/10/whats-it-all-for-2/

    • ANON says:

      Is the silent treatment on emails a trick of narcissistic married man? Mine is only 5 months and doesn’t share feelings much except how I made him feel like a man again in his “sexless” 2nd marriage of 36 years. I am in a sexless marriage for more years than I can count and sleep separately in another BR. He still sleeps in the same bed. We both agreed that our long term marriages and assets prevents us from divorcing our spouses, but I feel like I am being used at 65 even though the passion and closeness was something I couldn’t refuse at this point in my life. I hurt when he doesn’t contact me like the first couple of months with phone calls and emails and phone messaging. Yet can’t say no when he sends me that email 1-2 month looking to “stop” by. He lives an hour away. It’s been 11 days since I heard from him and the last email from that time said “thank you for being with me and being a sexy beautiful woman…” Hate feeling like at this age I am being used…even though I thought I could handle it.” Did I blow the NC by contacting him by email to see if he was alright? He responded saying he was but just lazy and didn’t “feel like writing”….. but “thinking of me”… At what point do you say it’s crazy and not worth being “used”???? Was married at 19 to difficult man.

      • Sharon says:

        Yes, Anon, he is giving you the silent treatments and, I guarantee, it’s not because he’s being lazy. He knows you’ll come back to him regardless of how long he avoids you. Emails, texts, phone calls are all a way of breaking no contact. If you want a clearer answer to your questions, read one of the articles I’ve posted, and ask HG, in the comments section, and he will answer you with the brutal truth. Be sure you check the boxes to notify you so you get his response. Also, be patient with him responding because he answers every person’s questions, so it may take a few days to hear back.

      • Heartbreak says:

        Hi anon. It feels like he is using you for sex. And this is the problem with us women, we are empaths and caring people, we may go in thinking we want what the man wants and that we can handle it, but we can’t. Our emotions are bound to get involved. It’s what makes us nurturers. The silent treatment is devastating, I can write a book on stonewalling and the silent treatment. And this way of saying he was lazy to write but think of you all the time……….. A big Hah! Lazy for days on end? Come on!! He doesn’t care except when he wants a shag. There is no shame in you wanting intimacy but you have to protect the vulnerable part of you. But it looks like you aren’t done yet. You have to be really really fed up to the point that you say enough and mean it! It took me a whole year of intermittent silent treatment and back and forth until it just broke my mind and then thought I either get out or I will die. If you can let go before reaching the point of feeling that you are going crazy, more power to you! But from where I stand as an objective observer, and as a survivor of a really toxic relationship, I would say please run as if the hounds of hell are after you!

      • Brown girl says:

        My married man also doesn’t respond back to emails. Seems to be a pattern here

    • This really hurts says:

      Do you think the majority of these men are narcissists? I do have to say that with mine I always felt like something was “off” even before we got involved. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but knowing him better now if I say or day anything that is not to his liking he shuts me out and turns it around like I’m the crazy one. He literally throws tantrums when something doesn’t go his way or I have to say something honest and forthcoming. It’s amazing how they can be so manipulative to get their way. He’s also an energy vampire and after we spend time together I’m left depleted. Yet why am I struggling to get over this? Why is something so toxic so addicting?

  45. Sad but liberated says:

    Can I ask you all if it has been hard to break free? Do you continuously go through a cycle of breakup and makeup? Also, do they tell you how you’re the most amazing person in the world and have never met anyone like you? I broke free for a while and then got sucked in slowly but surely. Eventually I had an epiphany when we had plans and he had to cancel on all of them. We would use precious time at work for a couple hours to be together or last minute rendezvous. Seriously, where are the dinners, movies, weekend plans, brunches, vacations, sleeping in together, etc? We are so selling ourselves short yet here I am sucked back into this bullshit half ass non relationship. I feel so pathetic. My guy and I were talking tonight and he just so casually mentioned something about his family and it was a very obvious statement that he wasn’t going anywhere and I just fucking lost it. He’ll never leave and it was exactly what I needed to hear. They never will leave and honestly we’re lucky not to be other half. I feel so sad that I went back after cutting ties over the holidays.

    • Heartbreak says:

      Dear sad but liberated, hopefully soon you will be happy and liberated. Since I joined this site, I love writing in and reading about all of you. In answer to your question, I think I can answer for most of us that we keep going through these cycles of making and breaking up. My married man broke up with me four times in the last two years, although he doesn’t really call it break up. Or anything, actually. He just withdraws, cuts me dead, ignores my calls and messages and this can go on for weeks to months. I am on my last and final breakup. It’s been two months now. I see him at work. He doesn’t come around, text or email. In the beginning I found it so hard, I wanted to hang around him to see if I can see even a glimmer of the love and tenderness I always saw in his eyes. But lately, I can feel myself growing just a tiny bit detached. I had to work at it, and oh! was it hard. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. I wasn’t able to do it in all the previous break ups, but I can do it this time around. I feel proud of myself. Once you are fed up enough of the dysfunctional dynamics, the courage to stay broken up will come. I didn’t believe I could, I am taking baby steps, but I am regaining my self worth on this journey. You can do it. I was madly obsessed, if I can do it, I am sure you can too. I will say this again, as I said to nen before, do it now. The longer you stay, the harder it gets. I was in for nine years, it almost killed me. But what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

    • Sharon says:

      SBL, I read that it actually takes 7 attempts at leaving for good. It took me three tries, always going back on my own, but the last time I finally set a deadline for him to make a change, he discarded me like trash after a nearly 5 year relationship. During that approx. 5 years, I was ALWAYS the love of his life, he had never met anyone like me, I was his one and only true love, he couldn’t live his life without me, I was everything “beyond this earth” to him, and all of those words and so much more were said to me the night before he quit talking to me. I was completely devastated, making myself literally sick, before I was led (by my God) to the blog “Knowing the Narcissist”. Everyone on this site can ignore the fact that their married men are narcissists, but it’s time for all of us to stop being in denial. These creeps brainwash us right from the beginning and I guarantee when you’re finally away from the BS and learn what a Narcissist is capable, you’ll want to kick your own ass for allowing him to do the things he did because you know damn well you’re smarter than that. But, brainwashing is a powerful weapon that’s used on us and it’s their plan to use it right from the beginning. If you’re able to see the light, like it now sounds like you are, go towards it and do not look back.

      ALSO, the workplace, as well as church and online dating are some of the most popular places narcissists like to target and entrap their victims.

  46. gigi says:

    Thank you for this healing site. I find I keep coming back to it. I am in my mid sixties. I married young to the only guy I dated. He was verbally abusive and controlling. After 10 years I had an affair with single guy for almost three years. Broke up horribly. Flash forward tried getting my life prepared for divorce. Went back to school at 32 with two kids. Ended up with cancer and surgeries and chemo. Flash forward put my kids through college and marriages…still ALIVE. Flash forward, fell in love via internet with hometown friend 3k miles away. He died suddenly after 21/2 years of skype, calls, gifts, emails. Broke my heart. Three years later, invited for coffee with a classmate. Not attracted to him at all. Kissed me which I thought was odd. Followed up with meeting at park for coffee. He kissed me again, passionately. I broke away as I didn’t want anyone seeing us. This mm came to my house in the morning and started again kissing me passionately. I melted. I am ashamed to say. I melted. I was so afraid because of my bad body image and surgical scars. But my husband hadn’t touched me for many years even though I begged him to please get help, to no avail. My body responded to his. I felt alive again. He would call and send me emails but wasn’t a real conversationalist like my penpal love was. He would “like” my posts on Facebook and then my emails went from daily to every 2-3 days then 3-6 days and I told him how much I wanted to hear from him more. That was four months ago. We’ve met 1-2x month mostly sexual but sometimes lunch or coffee but that stopped. Christmas we didn’t exchange gifts and I knew he was just using me for sex but I needed it also going without for so long. But he doesn’t call or write and sometimes especially after we meet, he ghosts me for a week and I never know if it’s over. I struggle with staying in this bad situation because we both are sexually deprived by our mates but really want a friend too. This is his second marriage and she stole him from her best friend!!! He said he would never want to hurt her or leave her as they have two homes and a lot of savings to lose and two grandsons. He isn’t even that great in bed and has ED but tries to please me by kissing me and pleasing me other ways. I struggle in going NC then when I feel I can move on, he sends me an email and inside I feel good again. I now know what an addiction feels like. I like many, never…ever thought I would be with a mm because like others I detested women who could do that. Anyways, thank you ladies for your strength and stories. It helps me that whatever happens I have to love myself first and not sell myself short. Hey, I am still ALIVE!!!!

  47. Nen says:

    Hi,
    Yesterday i was reading an article about toxic relationships, which then led me to this site. I am so glad that i am here because i need help! I have read all the comments and i identify with most women here.But i want to convince myself that my situation may be different. I know deep down it won’t be. I need to get out like today and nothing is really holding me back, am just holding me back. Help me!

    • Heartbreak says:

      Dear nen, I can understand how you hope to be different. We all do. We hope to be the one who broke the cliche. It’s a very valid hope, of course you pour your heart and soul into the relationship. I used to think I was different too. My MM was all the good qualities you can hope for in a man multiplied by a million. I walked on water, and basked in sunlight for so many years. But the way he has changed in the last year, I cannot even begin to comprehend how someone who loved me like I never imagined anyone could, can just turn his back and despite seeing me at work everyday, pretend as if I am dead and he doesn’t know me. So no, no, no…….. No one is different. Neither was my guy, nor is yours. It’s so hard to get out of these relationships, I am taking all the help I can from good friends and I have two therapists. So before you get in any deeper, get out. Now. This second. Do it. The longer you take, the harder it is. Trust all of us who have hoped for a different story, but didn’t get it. Take care and be strong

      • Sharon says:

        When I first found this site, I thought the exact same way, but I did convince myself my relationship with a married man was different, unique, not like all the stories I had read all over the internet. That was two years into the relationship. Three years after that, I had the most traumatic experience of my life. When he realized I was no longer playing by his set of rules (manipulations), he discarded me out of the blue. The night before, I was everything in the world to him, just as he was to me. But on Easter Sunday, after nearly 5 years of being together, I received his usual, loving, good morning message, yet it was as if he had copied and pasted the message a previous message. There was absolutely no concern whatsoever for how I might be feeling that day, having to spend yet another holiday without him. He didn’t even acknowledge how the day was going to effect me. So I responded with my good morning message back to him, but also saying that I couldn’t do “this” today. He apologized for his “circumstances” (it was always about his circumstances being the barrier between us) creating hardships for us, again and I responded with, “The truth is, it’s not your experiences creating our hardships – it’s us”, and I haven’t heard from in the last 10 months.
        I never once tried to contact him to ask why he wasn’t responding to me – BEST DECISION I EVER MADE that day! Trust me, it was the most painful, mind-boggling experience I have ever endured in my 52 years of life, and I have experienced abusive relationships in the past, but the most devastating thing about this one was the emotional abuse that he inflicted on my heart, mind and soul. I’m telling you, Nen, your relationship is absolutely no different than any of ours. Yes, the stories are different, even the way they began is different, but the ending will forever be the same. Please listen to your gut (I wish I had) telling you what’s right. The truth is, we’ve all been brainwashed by being seduced with the love-bombing techniques of the Narcissist. If you think the married man in your life isn’t a Narc, think again. If you don’t want to believe me, read “Knowing the Narcissist” at the narcissist website and discover the truth for yourself. The last thing I will say is, SAVE YOURSELF NOW and go NO CONTACT!!! The reason for no contact is because he will try to suck you back in at some point and you need to stand strong in your decision once you decide to end it.
        My point, Nen, get out now before he truly F**ks your entire life over because HE WILL.
        Good luck to you and please PLEASE educate yourself … NOW!!!

      • Sad but liberated says:

        I just posted my story and mine is at work too 🙁 Sucks…. I thought I was the exception and he was so enamored with me that he would whisk me off into the sunset. Keep dreaming and get real. I did not get the fairytale at all. I hope to get a response so I can get through this. How did you get out of a relationship from someone at work that can IM you or email you in the office aside from getting a new job?

      • Anon says:

        Hi heartbreak,

        I’m just wanting some advise on how you handle working with your Married man still… Mine is my boss and we have been together for 15 months he is so very manipulative I’m not aloud to wear certain things not aloud to talk to other males he makes me feel if I do that kind of stuff I am the wrong kind of person and his love for me fades when he sees it so I try hard to do everything right…I am also married for 4 years with a young daughter I don’t know how I got myself into this situation but I know I have to stop it now as my MM has told me he and his wife are going to try for another baby and it devastates me a free everything he says to me how much he loves me and if he could he would marry me right now if he could but he will never leave because of his son, I have said we are stopping this when he Sayers trying for another baby with his wife I will not put myself through that I have to draw the line somewhere or I will have no self respect, it hurts that when I gave him this ultimatum he either doesn’t try for another baby and keep me or loose me and try for another baby, he has chosen the latter and it kills me! That I’m not enough I feel so stupid… He tells me the only reason he’s doing it is because he wants a sibling for his son his son will always come first because he will not loose him he’s not doing it for his wife but I’m not studip and I’ve said this to his face I don’t believe that bs reason, any way back to the advise I’m just trying to figure out how will I survived doing no contacts but having to see him at work everyday also people at work kind of know about us and I’m worried about them laughing at me typical stupid woman gets used, he gets to walk around being the big boss the one that gets what he wants and I’m the stupid laughable woman that put myself in this situation

      • Heartbreak says:

        Hi anon. My married man is my colleague and we work together in the same ward, thank god he is not my boss. Anyway the thing is that all my other colleagues also knew about us so I felt that I will be a laughing stock also. However, it didn’t actually go that way. I see him every day and I say hi to him in passing, because if I don’t go up to say hi, I will just keep thinking of it and drive myself crazy. So just a hi and how are you, then I don’t engage further. I go and do my work and then I leave the ward, so that I don’t have him in front of my eyes all the time. My married man is also trying for a baby, so I can understand how that feels. But i try to tell myself that what he gets up to with his wife is no longer my business. Since we don’t engage in any significant way and he has essentially pushed me out of his life, how does it matter if he sleeps with his wife or not. Don’t issue any ultimatums, that only demeans us. They don’t defer major life decisions in deference to us anyway. However tempted you are to be around him, call him, or try to engage in an effort to see some love in his eyes, don’t do it. Be strong. I used to be very vulnerable around him but the only way to gain some distance and perspective is to stay away, however hard it may be. And please be free to talk with whoever you like, mine used to try to control me in that way too but I have stopped bothering. Let him see how happy and nonchalant you are, let him wonder. Fake it till you make it. You will feel better about yourself the moment you stop showing how he affects you. It’s very very hard to see him in front of my eyes and see nothing in his, when I used to see so much love and tenderness. But whatever. Keep your head held high and don’t bother about who may be whispering behind your back. They will all shut up when they see you behaving with dignity. It takes time and effort and a lot of crying behind locked doors, but it is worth it in the end.

    • Tornlady says:

      I came across this site because I was looking for a book to read that would help me break things off with my mms. The thought of doing it hurts me so much. We met because we attended some of the same social functions. I saw him and had a huge crush on him but found out he was married so I forgot all about him. Several months later I was selling an item and posted it on Facebook and he inboxed me.To make a long story short, we ended up having an affair. It has been almost 3 years. In the beginning things were amazing. He treated me better than I ever been treated. There were gifts, affection, sweet text messages, Jacuzzi suites, money in my account for the holidays that he couldn’t be with me and candle light dinners when he could. Now, I rarely see him once a month. At one point I thought he was probably sleeping with someone else other than his wife and I…just saying that sounds awful..I was crazy to willingly share this man. Dating a married man is something I looked down on others for doing and now look at me. He never said he would leave his wife but he always told me that he loved me.I’m finally getting tired now because things have changed and the “I love you’s” has stopped. I tried to end things about six months ago but found myself texting him after 4 days. I often think what would have happened if I never contacted him. He probably would have moved on and never thought of me, that’s the part that hurts. I tried to end things again a couple of nights ago but couldn’t. I know what I need to do but I was looking to see how others handled their situation and how to move on.

  48. Heartbreak says:

    Hello. I feel so apprehensive writing here but all your stories touch my heart. They make me cry because it’s my own story. I have been in this affair with MM for 9 years, he is a coworker. As with all of you, I was bathed in the light of love and caring, he couldn’t do enough for me. I could almost forget he was married. The connection was like nothing I knew before. It just blew me away. Over the last two years, he would just suddenly pull away in response to something I may have said that he doesn’t like to hear, mainly about himself. And stay away for weeks and even months. During these times he has given me the silent treatment and stonewalled all my attempts at contact to the extent that I actually started doubting my existance and my sanity. Can this really be the guy who couldn’t do enough for me? None of my agony seemed to reach him. And then when I was spent chasing his ass, he would come back. I am currently on my final breakup, I can’t go on like this. But it’s so hard, it’s heartbreak like I never experienced before. Its messed up my mind so much that I am almost going insane. I cannot believe how badly a man who professed to love you can behave. I mean, I used to think the sun shine out of his ass. Ultimately it’s always about their comfort level, when they can call or message or respond or not. And wife and kids never get short charged, however he may profess to hate her( and he does, always). And he didn’t even think that I deserve a decent breakup after bring together 9 years, he broke up by text with me two months ago. I am working on myself, but it’s hard to pull yourself up after the beating your dignity and self worth has taken being on a roller coaster for so many years. I hope I get out of it and stay strong. I hope all of us do.

    • Anonymous says:

      Here I am again. I posted a few weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant with my husband’s baby, confused and didn’t know what to do. The mm I had been involved with for almost 5 years has done nothing but profess his love for me since finding out, in hopes I would terminate the pregnancy. He even planned a trip for us and told me he would leave his family so we can be together. Mind you up until now he said we don’t have that kind of relationship, and he couldn’t leave home until his kids graduated high school (7 years away).
      I am now 10 weeks pregnant and can’t stomach the thought of doing this. I’m starting to really feel pregnant and just want to be happy. As much as I love the mm and as much as I want to believe him, I can’t stand that he wants me to do this. I feel so angry but keep holding on because of my love for him. Deep down I want to be happy and have this baby. After weeks of crying, love making and trying to plan our future, I officially ended my relationship with the mm today. As hard as it is, I almost feel a sigh of relief. Maybe I am just in shock and I’m sure it will hit me once I see him at work. I am very worried about him though. He has told me that he hasn’t felt this horrible since he lost his mother 15 years ago. He doesn’t know how to go on without me. Do I reach out to him and make sure he’s ok? Or do I just stick to my guns and cut all ties?

      • Heartbreak says:

        Dear anonymous, I really really feel your pain. How much worse your situation is with a baby in the equation. And if he is a coworker, I can almost guarantee you that seeing him at work after a breakup will be one of the hardest things you have ever done in your life. I am sure he must be suffering too, he must have loved you but just enough. The way these married men love you is just not enough. If you reach out to him, you will just get back onto the roller coaster, and believe me as one who had endured the roller coaster for years, it is NOT where you want to be. Please just focus on your self. Don’t check to see if he is ok. He knows how to take care of himself better than you may think he does. They always have their family to fall back upon. You have made the hard decision to focus on the baby, now eat healthy, sleep, listen to music. Once you have the baby, the grip this man has on your psyche will lessen. Trust me as someone who knows. Good luck, and once again, let him take care of himself and you take care of yourself and the baby. These men are not as vulnerable as they seem to be. Hugs!

      • ANON says:

        Please… don’t look back. You’re being pregnant is a chance to reset and start over with your husband and baby. Please. If you go back to your lover he will eventually dump you especially with a new baby. The pregnancy hormones will help you move on. I pray for you with this very emotional situation. Good Luck and Congrats on your New Blessing!

    • Sharon says:

      Heartbreak, your story is mine except 4 years longer. I’m so sorry you have been on your roller coaster ride for so long. Please do me a favor and read the “Knowing the Narcissist” blog by HG Tudor. He will answer every question you have for him in the comments sections within every article. I promise you, you won’t. E confused anymore and you’ll at least get some type of closure. I was discarded out of the blue after being together nearly 5 years, and after he professed all his unending love for me the night before. I haven’t heard a word for just over 10 months now. I promise you, your life WILL NOT get better with him. He has always been in control of you and his wife, and he always will be as long as you keep letting him. I can almost scream at the top of my lungs because so many of the women on this site, are in denial and completely brainwashed and just don’t want to believe what I’ve been saying for months is true. You can seriously begin to heal if you will please just go read the blog. What can it hurt, it’s free. If you want to pay approx $5 (U.S.) a book, go to Amazon and read his online books. Start with FUEL, SITTING TARGET & MANIPULATED! You’ll be completely blown away by what HG “will” teach you. Good Luck!!!

      • Heartbreak says:

        Dear Sharon, thank you for your comments. I did go to that site about narcs that you told us all to, and did read some of the articles. I am not sure that my married man is a narcissist, I get confused because so many of the traits do not match what he is. Or what he used to be. For the last year I don’t even know what was reality and what was illusion. As I said, it’s made me question my reality and my sanity. It’s so hard to go to work everyday and see him walking about doing his work, pretending as if I didn’t even exist. Anyway I have no other choice except to grit my teeth and get on with my life- sans him

      • Anonymous says:

        I truly feel like he is just laying the guilt on me at this point. He asked to meet me this morning and if I truly love him and meant anything to him I will meet him. When I arrived he was already crying, saying that I can’t leave him and he has been seeing all of these signs that we need to be together. He is now asking me to leave my husband and he will raise my baby as if it were his. I just need to leave my husband, and he will leave home. He said he has already told his wife twice that he was leaving, again the other night. He is barely going home at night and just sitting in parking lots by himself. This guilt is killing me. I contacted a therapist today because I truly don’t know what to do. I know I love this man but I can’t leave my husband now, and my family will completely disown me. I feel like each day he comes up with another solution, but none of them work for me. I’m just so confused.

    • Anonymous says:

      Thank u for your words. So he reached out to me last night and has been crying to me all day today. He is now telling me he will give me a baby as soon as I’m physically able to get pregnant again (if I terminate). We had a huge fight where I yelled at him for the first time ever, saying how could he lead me to believe for so long that he didn’t want a future with me? For years he told me repeatedly how he doesn’t want more children, and would always say that he was planning to leave Ny as soon as his kids are done with high school. He would also ask me for a heads up when I was planning to start my family so that he can prepare to leave me. None of his plans ever included ending up with me. He is now saying how sorry he is, that he didn’t mean any of those things he said, but he was scared to lose everything. And now he is willing to leave his own children for me. What am I supposed to do now?? I am just at a total loss.

      • Heartbreak says:

        He will not. I’ll say that again. HE WILL NOT LEAVE HIS FAMILY. They never do. Please don’t terminate your baby and hang your hat on this guy. If you are hurting now, you will hurt a million times over. Please take help from a friend or a therapist. I cannot believe the gall of this man. The tears……. oh how these tears move us. They mean nothing. Maybe I sound harsh, but you are twisting yourself into knots and he is not what he is projecting now. I have seen and studied men enough to be able to say that with full confidence. He has shown you what he is. Believe it.

      • Sharon says:

        Heartbreak, you’re not being harsh, you’re being honest.

        Anonymous, do absolutely nothing, except keep your baby and go NO CONTACT! If he truly loves you, he’ll take all the actions he needs to while you’re no contact and then come for you. DO NOT trust his tears. Narcs are masters at their game and tears are on top of their list of weapons to use against you. They know the compassionate side of you will fall for it every single time.

    • Secret girl says:

      Hi there. We have the same situation. I broke up with him two weeks ago and it really hurts. But i want to do this for good. I found out that all my expensive gift to him he will ask his wife to pay so he got my gift and have extra money from his wife. It really hurts i feel so used! Then bec he is narcsisist he can turn the situation as if i am the one who cannot understand. I want to start a new life but i must admit that i am having a hrad time moving on bec of the trauma and everything.

  49. Kit says:

    Thank you to all you amazing women who also share a common bond in grief, love and the most incredible love so deep, only we know, and can share. I am one who is grieving and the months of knowing the end and closure. I lied to myself, lived in the moment. What we shared and who we are was deeper then any connection we both shared. I believe he is grieving too. Our love started 45 or more years ago. We were lovers and best friends. Not in a relationship, but as close of soulmate friends could be. I believe, I was his first. I knew because I was not willing to be his or anyones I let him go. Told him, he needed to find someone who was better then I was, who wouldn’t break his heart. We were 17 yrs old. At 42 we reconnected as friends, but distant, the bond of friendship that close never ended. We lost contact, he remarried and a few years later, had a child at 50, with his present wife. We reconnected and as he was yrs back going forward the only one who knew me as I knew him, he gave me strength and guidence in a very troubled time in my life.
    A yr and a half ago, we met each other, going with no clue that at one moment in time, our eyes locked and the world stood still. We both fell in love that very moment.
    I had no idea, nor wanted to fall in love with my best friend of a thousand years, nor did he. I had found out, he never forgot me and because of the dynamics dated many who had similar traits as I. However, he was married and although it is a loveless, sexless marriage it worked. They have a small child together, they are a family. Because of many factors, they have many outside interests, and don’t share outside passions or interests. Which leaves a lot of free time, in between time. He plays in a band as an outside hobby, and is commited to many paid performances. She has no interest in anything he does, and their life built around family. I went to all the performances and he never hid me from anyone. After all, we were old friends. He would get away often, we would have coffee or just talk and holds hands. I listened, and he would share everything, and feelings. Many things she didnt know about him, or he never thought to share. Our intimacy was intense, open and connected. Our relationship was part sex, but more of a deeper connection.
    I feel hard, he was totally open, would tell me I deserved someone who wasnt attached, I deserved to find love, and he was not leaving his child without a mom and dad. He didn’t care about the marriage, he cared about their child, his grown children and grandchildren. I always felt and knew, we spoke often knowing, we had to end it, but couldn’t. We knew she would find out. He even tried a year ago when she found out he was seeing someone, of course he used things we shared to make her see needs, but denied it was physically intimate. He like him has many outside male, female friends. We did stop for a few weeks, but emotionally we couldnt cease the friendship. We got very attached and in love. Not enough for him to give up his marriage and reminded me of it. My fault, living in the moment. Dec 30, 2015 was our last passionate moment…his wife found out we were together, he told her everything. His last words were, he deserved what was ahead, he didnt know if she was going to leave him or not. He blocked me from all communication. I am part relieved and part devastated. I know his world is turned upside down and all I can do is go on, leave him alone and go forward. Go forward without my best friend of 40 plus years, and the love of my life. I am sorry to have loved a man who wasnt mine, or who will never be. However, I wouldn’t want to ever forget the love we shared. I will love him forever, but he will never be my happy love storybook ending.
    I am hurting, with a smile.

    • Kit says:

      As fairytale as it sounds, it was -but a fantasy, on my part. Neglected to include, how physically sick walking on egg shells in my mind, when we weren’t together, knowing today, could be the day.
      I have been married 2x he on his second. I can honestly say, although in denial of loss, it only being a week, it was debilitating at times, to be in love with someone who loves you as much as he did, but not enough to end what worked with his wife.He lives with a friend, a roommate, the mother of daughter. I do understand having been a divorced single parent. I do feel bad for him in a sense. What they share has been what a realationship should. But lost with time, and fake from the start, I believe in my heart. He said, he could never be his true self. She will never know how amazing he is, or care. They have amazing times, I dont know of either. How could a man live in a world with no love, or intimacy? A marriage that just works. He is ok with this, or he would have gone for the life we could have with me, I guess. I do question why I wasn’t good enough? But then again, he wasn’t deserving of the fun, pleasure and love I could give him…but I know he will be happy reflecting back our moments that were just ours. He would want me to find love, I am free.

      • Sharon says:

        Kit, you really need to read “Knowing the Narcissist” at Narcsite website so you can know the TRUE answer for yourself as to why you “weren’t good enough”. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. You ask, “how can a man live in a world of no love?” You’d be amazed at how he does it. He never loved you or his wife. Once you can get out of denying yourself the truth, then you’ll be able to truly move on. You’re entire email spoke narcissism brainwashing throughout. Good luck and please educate yourself.

    • ANON says:

      I lost my love when I was 63 after 2 1/2 year intense emotional affair with a married man. He died suddenly at 64 from heart failure. We were in close contact even though many miles apart. My point, is after the devastation of losing the one person I felt I truly loved and lose; I saw a post recently that opened my mind. She says, “we go through life only once…. we make good choices and not so good choices….but falling in love is a beautiful part of our lives….. don’t ever regret it…. it may be snatched from you through death or through circumstances…. but LOVE WILL touch you forever and always BE IN YOUR HEART…. TIL we die…. LIFE IS VERY SHORT and Don’t ever, ever feel sorry for feeling love and giving love away…. ever.”

  50. Susan says:

    I have just accidentally happened upon this website and am amazed at the number of stories so similar to mine. My main question is this: I have heard the term narcissist quite a bit during the past few weeks. I have been involved with a married man for a little over 4 years now and am married myself. His wife is much younger than he and recently announced her first pregnancy. Cutting ties is no longer an option but a necessity but I am trying to educate myself as well. So, are most married men who maintain long term affairs narcissists? I have skimmed many websites but I just can’t see many of these qualities in my married man? Is that because I don’t want to see it and am still in the fog? I am trying to think with my head and tell myself that I can get past him if I give my heart and mind a fair shake at moving on by instigating No Contact and actively redirecting my thoughts to where they should be which is with husband and kids and extended family.

    Don’t get me wrong, I do feel the pain and the hurt and I sneak to find time to cry my eyes out but I need to step up and be strong. In order to do that, I have to know how I got myself into this situation to start with. If I sit here and constantly dwell on how heartbroken I am, I feel I would get in a rut and feel the heartbreak indefinitely. This is a really very scary place to be in life. A feeling of being out of control and I need to turn it around.

    • Mel says:

      Not every single instance is with a narcissist. Plus you are married so you don’t feel the full Weight of being alone.

      • Sharon says:

        Not every cheater is a narcissist, but every narcissist is a cheater. You need to decide if taking your time to figure out the difference is worth it to you. The bottom line is, whether he’s a narcissist or not, you’re in a dysfunctional relationship that will lead nowhere except you feeling like you’ve sold your soul.

    • Sharon says:

      Susan,

      I shared your story with HG Tudor on his blog, “Knowing the Narcissist”. Here is his response to you:

      Yes, most married men who maintain long term affairs are narcissists. This arrangement is where the wife is a primary source of fuel who maintains the narcissist’s facade of respectability (family, job, community) whilst putting up with his roller coaster behaviour. The Other Woman is a intimate partner secondary source who is USED purely to provide fuel (emotional attention) to the narcissist and most Other Women are Dirty Little Secrets.

      The DLS is not loved. We narcissists do not know how to love, but we do know how to con you into loving us and making us so addictive you cannot let go and we do it because all we want is your high octane fuel on those occasional times we grant you an audience with us. We will never bring you into the light, we will not form a “real relationship” with you. We rarely leave the wife and if we do, we may well go back.

      Infidelity is a key component of narcissism because sex/romance/love are powerful tools to gain fuel from you.

      You cannot see it because you are in his grip still. It is as plain as day to one such as I.

      How did you get in this situation? You were targeted. Read Sitting Target (on Amazon) and you will find out why.

      • Heartbreak says:

        Hi to everyone. My comment is directed to Sharon. I know you have put great faith in Mr Tudor, the narcissistic sociopath, to explain away all our married men. Now I am not saying that some or most men described on this site may not have” narcissistic traits”. Which is different from full blown narcissistic personality disorder. And Mr Tudor seems to be the end of the spectrum, the darkest end. However, there are some things that come to my mind. One of them is that we are labeling all these men with a mental/personality disorder. How many of us are actually professionals trained to make that label?i am a doctor(not a psychiatrist but a medical one) and I got my degrees by working hard and studying for years, you cannot become a doctor by reading on the Internet and forming your opinions. By labeling them with a personality disorder, in a way we are excusing their behavior, as in this is a person with a personality disorder and that is the only way they know how to behave. So in essence, we are giving them a ‘get out of jail free’ card and just reeling back and trying to nurse our own broken hearts.
        So any poor behavior cannot be put down to the fact that maybe this person just doesn’t have good values, didn’t learn decent behavior, is messed up in his own way? Not every person is a good human being and there are lots of nasty people out in this world, who are just nasty and not necessarily have a personality disorder. Or people who started out good but time/ circumstances/ life events/ stresses made them into versions of themselves that don’t get along with us anymore? I am just writing thoughts as they come to mind, I am not writing here to offend or confront anyone. But I would love to have a discussion regarding this. Now I am wondering-does the fact that your married man was a narc make you all feel better, or worse? Better as in you can say-aha! That’s the reason he is what he is. And worse as in-could you really have been taken in by something that was only smoke and mirrors in retrospect? And was it really only smoke and mirrors? How does that make you feel, thinking what you thought was reality was only an illusion? For years on end?
        While I can see that some of the narcissistic traits matched my MM, so many didn’t. And it made me feel better about the way it ended, but it made me question all the other years, when I thought we had a beautiful thing going. And that made me feel horrible. So what I decided, for the sake of my own peace, is that I will not try to explain or label his behavior. I will concentrate on my own healing. If he is really a narcissist, I feel sorry because although I have a chance to move on and become a better person, he is stuck forever in his psyche.

      • Confused says:

        Heartbreak,

        I know your comment is directed to Sharon but I just want to express how much I can understand where you are coming from. I have traveled through this ‘HG Tudor’ site and yeah some things click, but then a lot more doesn’t. So are we to pressume that if they have some traits they are a narcissist? Because they are a married man having an affair they are narcissistic? Hmm…. I’ve heard many a people say ‘they’re all the same, we all have the same stories.’ Well… We don’t.
        I have been given options of moving on, if that’s what’s best for me, of just being friends if that’s what’s best for me.
        I have been told I deserve more and they can’t give that to me.
        I have NOT been told that they’re going to leave their wife and we’re going to live happily ever after. So where does that leave me? Because the things I have read on that website does not really match up to him.
        And Sharon has said that all cheaters are narcissists so… Does that make all of us one too?

      • Heartbreak says:

        Hi confused, yes I did direct the comment to Sharon, but as I wrote, I would love to read what others have to say about it. I agree about what you wrote saying that since we are cheating too, does that make us a narcissist ?We are laying all the blame at the door of these men, can we say with absolute certainty that we didn’t contribute in any way to the relationship going the way it did? We are all caught in bad situations, and that is because we love men who cannot be available to us. The reason we are in a mess emotionally is because we are in relationships with married men, not necessarily because they are narcissists.

      • Sharon says:

        HEARTBREAK, I never claimed to be a doctor. What I did do was try to offer a different perspective as to why these women are in abusive relationships (whether they want to believe it or not) and why it’s so damn difficult and painful to break free. With that in mind, I have a clear conscience. It clearly does not take a doctor to see that there’s more to what’s happened to us than just a typical, dysfunctional relationship. Unfortunately, some people just do not see it or you do not want to see it.

        The truth is, you and Confused are deluded and rather than accepting the brutal truth, you find a hundred different reasons for it not to be narcissism. This is what victims do. It is straightforward. If you abuse someone (and that means cheat on them, hit them, not talk to them, erode their self esteem and so many other different ways) and it happens once, maybe twice, it could be written off as an aberration caused by drinking, stress, medication or fatigue. If it happens repeatedly (i.e. 9 years), the individual is disordered. Much of the time the disorder is narcissism and/or anti-social personality disorder. Healthy and normal people don’t abuse – it’s that simple. Thus, if you are with a man who cheats on his wife for years, he is abusing his wife and thus he is disordered in some way. It may be a mild disorder, it may be more serious, but such behavior is contrary to accepted social norms, and is recognized as abusive and is thus disordered behavior.

        Every single one of us, whether you choose to believe it or not, had major emotional mind games played on us (some still being played), and manipulations that go well beyond normal. The bottom line is, it doesn’t matter whether these men are full blown narcissists. They definitely have narcissistic traits, which creates a dysfunctional relationship for all of us and the wives. I, for one, was led out of the darkness and thought I’d help to lead others, but there are obviously those of you who want to make excuses and find a way to stay in your misery, while keeping others there with you as well. It goes back to that good ole saying, Misery Loves Company. Don’t forget,Heartbreak, you said yourself, “I don’t even know what was reality and what was illusion”. You also said, “it’s made me question my reality and my sanity”. It’s no wonder you’ve been going through what you have been for 9 years. Good Luck to you.

        CONFUSED, before you start repeating what I said, get your wording straight. I never said all cheaters are narcissists. What I said was, “not every cheater is a narcissist, but every narcissist is a cheater”.

        With that said, my job here is done. The Super Empathic part of me wanted to help, but the Supernova part of me will allow you to wallow in your own deluded misery. I have no need to remain in contact, therefore I will now go NO CONTACT with this site. I have healed, I will continue to heal and may God bless all of you who truly and sincerely want out of the hellish fog you’re in. May you find your way through the darkness, especially before you get to the nine year mark.

      • Confused says:

        Sharon,

        I’m sorry but I feel like you’re being a little over sensitive here and taking what Heartbreak said a bit too personally when I’m fairly sure it wasn’t meant as any sort of insult whatsoever.

        All I want to say is that you just seem so quick to point the finger to ‘narcissists’ and say that anyone who cheats has some sort of ‘disorder’…. But in saying this you seem to be conveniently forgetting that many women having affairs with MM are ALSO cheating on their partners! So are we all messed up then or what?

        You say about emotional abuse but you refuse to see that it really ISNT the same for everyone. We are in dysfunctional relationships but not every married man having an affair is promising their left arm to someone. A lot of them are quite straight forward about how it is and promise NOTHING.

        Thing is, your MM may well be a Narc, but whether he is or isn’t I think it makes it easier for YOU if you believe he is because then you won’t keep battering yourself on why he doesn’t love you.

        I also don’t think you have really ‘healed’ because you seem to have a lot of pent up aggression in your last post that neither of us deserved because we were only expressing opinions not trying to delude ourselves further.

        The main reason this messes everyone up is because it’s dysfunctional. REGARDLESS of what these MM do/say/act – we are doomed in a glass roof relationship. It will, cannot grow. But our emotions do and we fall for someone who is not ABLE to love us back because they are emotionally UNAVAILABLE hence why it’s dysfunctional.

        I’m not being nasty here but I think your message was a little offhand.

      • Heartbreak says:

        I was hurt by the aggression that came across in Sharon’s email. Anyway just for the record, my relationship was not abusive for nine years. It only turned sour in the last year with the breaking up and getting together again. Anyway my Mm may be a narcissist or may not be, I don’t care anymore. It’s not my problem. I got whatever healing I could draw from this site. Good luck to all of you and chin up, dear sisters.

  51. Amanda J says:

    I have been in a 4 year affair this summer with a married man who is older than I am. He has been with his wife for 25 years and is not ready to change his life this late in the game. He is not prepared to start all over again with a younger woman with a young child. He is comfortable with his wife and his family. He likes comfort and knowing what to expect. His whole future is mapped out for him and he has a life plan and I suppose I do not fit into his life plan. I am here for the moment. For as long as I will choose to be here. There is nothing broke so to speak in his marital relationship. Except that he and his wife are no longer physically intimate or sexually active. There was obviously a disconnect years ago. They have what may be called an amicable existence, void of passion. He and I have intense passion, every single time we are together. It is passion overload, hard to take at times for how intense it is, and the feelings you get from this are seriously addictive and hard to walk away from. He has called her his “room mate.” It’s like a business partnership he has said. He was not seeking an affair. It took him by surprise as it did me. It just happened when he met me. We just sparked and had an immediate connection and the attraction was unstoppable. Many people think it doesn’t just happen but it does. Few married people consciously seek out an affair. It just happens at the right time, at the right place and with the right person. If the conditions in the marriage are shaky, then the spouse is vulnerable to another human being meeting the needs they have been missing. It is like a bottle of wine meeting a wine glass. Well, like most women in my place, I ended up falling in love. And my love for him is destroying my soul. I am no longer that happy, vivacious and innocent young woman he met. He took my innocence. He was my first sexual partner. I think he loves the idea of a younger woman to control. He is still infatuated by me all these years later and I am infatuated with him but feeling deeper feelings than he does. It feels like love. If love means crying all night and not sleeping and not being able to function in everyday life, if it means losing yourself and feeling worthless and unloved, then I am in love. Love complicates. That seems to always be the way. Men can contain and compartmentalize feelings better than we can. I feel like I am so special and amazing when he is with me. But when he isn’t, I feel neglected and unimportant. I find that I am becoming more bitter over time. Because I feel so much for him but he does not return my affections the same way. I feel like I have given up so much for him but he will not do the same for me. It erodes your self worth and self confidence. In the beginning, in the affair fog and fantasy of it all, you felt elated and euphoric, like you were invincible and beautiful and this affair was the answer to your prayers. It made you come alive. Feel alive. It rescued a part of you that needed rescuing. You weren’t projecting yourself a few years into the future and seeing the shell of a person you would become due to the constant emotional abuse. I mean, you lured this guy away from someone else. You felt powerful. But as time goes on, you see the reality of the situation. That he will never be with you. That the relationship will never progress. In fact, it is emotional torture to have to turn your feelings on and off all the time. On when you are with him in order to keep the affair going and keep him happy while continuing to delude yourself yet off because you know you need to protect your heart and deep down you do not fully trust him. You are always hyper vigilant, on guard for all things, always worrying about something bad happening. Always expecting him to hurt you. You feel like a sitting duck walking closer to the hurt you know you will face at the end of the road, in the near distance. You know it is inevitable that the longer you are in this affair, the more you are setting yourself up for destruction. It is too late for me now. I will be destroyed no matter what. I told him I love him. He knows it and you would think a decent human being would not want to hurt you that way. But he is so selfish that he will not let me go because he enjoys me too much and the sex and does not want anyone else to have me. He tells me I am his best ever. And how incredible and amazing I am. Usually after the heat of another passionate sexual encounter. I have complained to him that he is not as involved with me when we are apart. I need more communication and contact and affection. I do not want to feel forgotten. He has picked up the ball a lot. He said he cares deeply for me and so much so that it scares him. Sometimes he does pull away. Because he is afraid. He says he is stressed by carrying two relationships. But he will not let me go. We have had many fights, many situations where we could have torn apart. But we have stayed together. We have compromised. Communicated. Fought to keep this going. Through it all, we have persevered. And maybe this is the problem. In my heart, I want to believe that this is true love because through it all, and it has been incredibly difficult at times, we have stayed together. So, it must be MEANT TO BE.

    • Sharon says:

      Hi Amanda,

      I shared your story with HG Tudor, the Author of “Knowing the Narcissist”. Here is his response to you:

      He is telling you repeated lies about the state of his marriage and understandably you fall for it.

      You are his Dirty Little Secret (I suggest you read the article by the same name on the blog).

      You know he will not leave, you thrive on the “moments”, yet you also allow this to happen notwithstanding the despair and loneliness that your describe when you are not with him. This is typical.

      You talk about the euphoria in the beginning. That was an illusion. His apparent passion et al is manufactured to draw fuel (emotional attention) from you.

      It is not true love nor is it meant to be.

      Get out and stay out as otherwise nothing will change save you will become even more unhappy.

    • Cathy says:

      Hi Amanda, when I was reading your story, I started crying! You have hit the nail right on the head! You have described exactly what it feels like to be in a situation like this. Thank you for writing it and putting it into words. When I try to explain to my married man how I feel he does not get it, or pretends he does, but changes the subject.

      I hope you can break away and be free from him. I’m saddened that this is your first experience, it will make it even harder for you to break away. Please do it though, if any of these men actually loved us, they would feel the same way we do when we are apart from them. They don’t though, because they have someone to go home to, we don’t!

  52. Kate says:

    I have been reading all the comments and I feel sad that there is so much heartache in your lives. Believe me, it is hard. I ended my relationship with my married man after two years. I am devastated. My heart aches. I put notes up throughout my home that say “DO NOT CALL HIM, I AM WORTH MORE”. Theyre not helping. I still want to call. I still want to feel his touch. My self esteem must have run away too. All of my friends are married. No one knows about us. I have nobody I can talk to. The tears won’t stop and I just feel like I’m dying. This relationship is unhealthy and deceitful to say the least. This man is not worth my time and yet here I am missing and wanting him. He barely works. His wife works full time. He has pushed his two daughters into my life. They don’t know about us, they believe we are just friends. I have formed a relationship with his girls. I help them with school and college. We go shopping together. He has a third grade education and wifey has a sixth grade education. Believe me when I tell you, he is not stupid. He’s much smarter than I am. I am so naïve. I don’t know what happened but honestly, I just wish I had one friend or a sister I could talk to about this…I do not blame him for my bad decision. It’s my own fault for falling into this mess with him. I could crawl into a hole and die.

  53. Sharon says:

    To all,

    I understand that many of you are exactly where I was almost a year ago. You’re either deep in the fog, or you’re just barely coming out of it, not really knowing for sure, what the hell just happened. Ladies (and men), if you’re here on this website, it tells me that you’re on your way out of the fog, which is still an extremely vulnerable place to be. You’re in that place where you know you don’t want to do what you’ve been doing anymore, yet you’ve become so brainwashed into believing that if you just try one more time, things will be different and better, like they used to be. The addiction to these men (we call it love) is so strong that we can barely walk away and we’re constantly looking back … just in case. The truth of what’s behind our addiction to these men, which they “need” us to believe is “love”, is his lies, his deceit, his deflections, his manipulations, his gaslighting techniques, his word games, his silent treatments, his blame-shifting, his betrayals, his future-faking, his FACADE!

    I saw this caption in a book I’m reading called “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself” by Shahida Arabi (found on Amazon.com). Her website is Self-Care Haven, which is for survivors of Narcissistic abuse. She’s experienced our heartache and pain and is helping people just like us. She also has Youtube videos.

    PLEASE LET’S ALL THINK BETTER OF OURSELVES THIS YEAR!!! WE DESERVE BETTER!!! 🙂

    Caption …

    Their shallow emotions are no match for the deep emotional connections we can forge with the world.

    It is my hope that all survivors one day form a deep lasting relationship with a healthy partner. Some already have and I love to see happy letters from survivors telling me about their new, gentle, loving and respectful partner so different from the last – but it is my guarantee that they are all capable and deserving of happy, healthy relationships regardless of their relationship status now. Unlike the narcissist who is unlikely to go to treatment, we are gifted and blessed with the ability to empathize with others and meaningfully connect to others – including other survivors. Our voices are strongest when we rise together. Many victims I’ve heard from move forward into healthier relationships and marriages that last the rest of their lifetimes. Despite the experience of narcissistic abuse, we have the grand ability to change, grow and evolve in a way that narcissists who are often emotionally stunted at a very young age, cannot. We have a power that they do not have. We are really the special and unique ones.

    By Shahida Arabi

    Good luck to each of you as you exit the fog! Look ahead for the light of truth, not backwards into the darkness.

    Sharon ~ 🙂

  54. So confused says:

    I was away from the internet since Dec. 24, and so sorry that I missed you all and the new friends with similar stories. I TRIED to go no-contact but on Christmas Eve, I found myself missing my MM so much, and wondering why he didn’t miss me the same way. Even in the midst of my family, friends and countless number of blessings…I yearned for someone who doesn’t really care about me. I did the UNTHINKABLE and I texted him when I knew he was with his wife and family on Christmas Eve. I simply asked him – “do you love me? because you know that I love you” … I just wanted to hear the word -YES- and I would have been appeased. His answer “I can’t discuss this now. Maybe next week” Like a stab in my heart – his words and lack of care crushed me (again).

    Now, it is Tuesday morning. Holidays are over and working starts up again. He is alone in his office – and after ignoring me, and my question for 1 week….he says “I can’t love you the way you want, but I want to see you so badly, can I see you this week?” I am a fool. AND yet – I want to say yes to him.

    • toooty says:

      WOW sounds exactly like mine! I managed to go five months no contact and then when he messaged me I caved.

      Said he can’t love me either but he missed me and bla bla bla.

      Ugh

    • Seed says:

      Our stories are the same and you are a soul worthy of love!God doesn’t think younare a boil!He loves you unconditional!it’s a journey my dear and you will be fine!don’t be too hard on yourself,can you tell a different story?tell the story that makes your heart song,tell it till this issue become a the smallest in your life!one day you will be strong to walk away but for now ,get a life! Get a real life whiles he is still around,start by living yourself!priotising things will make a huge difference, make him last on your list!you see,younare very strong and he is weak and that’s why he cheats!one day everything will be fine!I broke up with mine a thousand times and went back a thousand times!I am sending you hugs

    • Sharon says:

      DON’T DO IT!!! You seriously are allowing him to kill your soul and if you don’t start educating yourself on what he’s really doing to you, you’re going to be stuck in the pit of hell forever … right where he wants you. TRUST ME, “So Confused”, he’s messing with your mind. How does a decent man say, “I can’t discuss this now, MAYBE next week” and “I can’t love you the way you want, BUT (BUT???) I want to see you this week”? REALLY, you’re smarter than that, so please make yourself even smarter and read the narcissist website. I hate to sound to cold, but I have expressed numerous times on this site the way each of you can help yourselves and it truly is going unnoticed. I get that you probably don’t believe the MM is a Narc, but I didn’t either with mine, until I started reading this site. Yes, it’s EXTREMELY overwhelming at first, but the more you read it, the more you’ll start to recognize that those stories (as well as the comments) relate to you just as much as the ones do on this site.

      That’s really all I have to say because there isn’t anything more anyone can help you, or anyone else for that matter, with if you’re not willing to take my advice.

      Look I was involved with a married man for nearly 5 years, so I know pain and suffering, and I know how hard it is to get away, but you have to start someplace and I’m doing my damndest to lead all of you in the right direction. It’s up to you to go there and discover for yourself what’s truly happening to you.

      GOOD LUCK!!!

    • Lovingaliar says:

      Did you end up seeing him? Don’t fall for it. Especially since he can never love you. Are you married? Depend on him for love and if you’re not married just trust in God and leave this man alone.

  55. TryingtoBreakFree says:

    I hate myself so much for getting involved with a married man…I feel like I cant let him go…idk y…smh…he and his wife paint such a pretty picture of there lives on social media…Makes me always wonder why he cheats the way he does…I also wonder does she have a clue?!?!

    I would like to speak to someone one on one…Im struggling right now…how can we make it possible?

    Oh…Im also getting jealous of the life they seem to have…it looks like lala land…

    • Secret girl says:

      What is your email address. I will email you

    • TryingtoBreakFree says:

      I have no choice but to leave now…he started to ignore me…just out the blue….the other day we were talking just fine….he bought me a present for christmas…and Now nothing….if this is Gods way for me to move on….so let it be…i just thought if we were going to end things btwn us we would talk about it…I guess not…didnt think he would give me the silent treatment…

      No longer trying..lol…IM FREE…not the way I wanted…But free nonetheless…

      ps-If I ever ignored him..he would call and text…like why you ignoring me…but yet he can easily do it me…

      I have faith that one day all things in the dark will be bought to light…until then

      Im starting 2017 with a clean slate…and leaving all that mess in 2016..

      Be well and be blessed ladies…

      For some reason Im not as hurt as I thought I would be…i could barely cry?! When I try to cry I have to force it…lol…

      • Sharon says:

        TTBF, It’s a classic Narcissistic move. Same thing happened to me 10 months ago and I have spoken to him since. After discovering the narcissist website, I realized that his silent treatment, is actually what’s called being discarded, like last years trash, and once I found that out, I knew damn well two could play at his game. The night before he discarded me, he was telling me how much he loved me, that I was the one he wanted to spend his life with and grow old with. He said I was his one and only true love and that no one on this earth could love me the way he does. REALLY??? As I said, that was 10 months ago. So much for me being the love of his life! PLEASE read the website I’ve tried referring EVERYONE to. It won’t be a waste of your time, I promise you.

        It’s all up to you as to how you want your life to be lived – in truth or deceit. Don’t let him choose for you.

      • TryingtoBreakFree says:

        Hi sharon…I did go to the narc site..he is truly a narc!!! You said you have spoken to your MM since…or havent?

        I wish the worse on mine…I hope he dies a slow painful death…Ill be so relieved the day I hear he’s dying of cancer…

      • Sharon says:

        TTBF, I have not spoken to him and I never will again, unless he catches me off guard; and if that happens, I will show absolutely no emotion (hate, anger, tears, kindness, NOTHING) towards him because that’s the ONLY reason he’d be there … to get fuel from me – negative or positive. That’s the only reason these creatures come back (called hoovering on “Knowing the Narcissist ” website) to gain fuel of any kind, not because they missed us or loved us. They don’t, they never did and they never will. All they want is what we have to give (whether it be our attention, affection, compassion – basically Empathetic traits) because they have none of their own. But, what they want even more than our goodness, is our anger, our hatred and our nastiness because it’s the ultimate fuel for them. That’s why it’s so important not to fault the wives in our relationships with the Narcs because the wives have been, and will forever be abused more so than any of us will ever know. It’s actually very sad and it’s probably the one thing that hurts me the most to this day – the fact that he used me to devalue her, and in my case, every day because we worked together.

        TTBF, it really makes me happy knowing that you’ve checked out the website. It really does have valuable information. I’m reading an online book that I bought from Amazon (can’t remember the cost) called “Becoming The Narcissists Nightmare – How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself” by Arabi Shahida. It’s a really good read if you’re interested. I have to say, I truly believe everything happens for a reason. So, with that thought in mind, I’m actually (in a strange sort of way) thankful I went through my experience because it’s ultimately made me so much more aware of who I am, why I was targeted in the first place and how to protect myself for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, for many, they don’t get the lesson the first time, so they tend to keep repeating their dysfunctional behaviors. It took me 52 years to finally get it, but I promise you, the ONLY reason I finally got it was by the Grace of God leading me to “Knowing the Narcissist”.

        TTBF, as I’ve said, it’s been 10 months since I’ve spoken to the married man, yet I stay on this site because it’s crucial for me to help those of you either in the fog still, or just coming out. I don’t know how long I’ll continue, but when I know I’ve helped others; such as yourself, it makes me want to stay because just helping one of you (so far I think I’ve helped a few others) is a big deal to me. I don’t want others to waste precious years of their lives like I did (not really though because I learned) mine.

      • Sharon says:

        TTBF – I just sent another, longer post, but I’m not seeing it here yet. I just wanted to tell you also that, in the book I’m currently reading (mentioned it in my last post to you) “Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare” I just read the following about one of the Narcs weaknesses – Indifference!

        It says, “Narcissists cannot stand indifference. Hatred, they can take, because it gives them confirmation of their power to control and provoke and bring their victims down to their level of misery. Love, they enjoy for a bit especially during the idealization phase, because it validates how convincing their false mask is.

        Indifference? Indifference means there’s no power, no reaction, no ability to ruin someone’s life or their day – the victim moves forward without so much as a second glance, and that kills them (the narc) inside, because they’ve lost a source of supply that they can no longer toy with. The game can only run for so long, especially for somatic narcissists (you can find out more about this type of Narc on the narcissist website) who will eventually age and lose their youth and beauty. As they become older, narcissists lose some of the power and pull they once held over their victims. Without any treatment for their symptoms or behavior modification, the people that once looked up to them now despise them; karma has a way of giving them what they deserve tenfold, even if you aren’t around to witness it.”

        The bottom line is, this is the ONLY reason these men try coming back into our lives. It is NOT because they love and miss us. It’s because they miss the fuel we’ve provided them. In my case damn near 5 years, in his wife’s case, 18 years or so.

      • Tryingtobreakfree says:

        Sharon you don’t know how much I appreciate you…I’m learning so much.,..wow 5 years…I hope I don’t get caught up for that long!!! Glad I found this website just in time…

        I would like to chat with you privately…I would like to share more with you…if it’s possible the moderator can email both of us so we can talk…

    • So confused says:

      I am with you. I wish there was a formula to get over the pain and heartbreak. And the jealousy….

      • Sharon says:

        I clearly am not expressing myself enough that THERE IS A WAY TO GET “through” the heartbreak and pain … it’s the NARCSITE website (HG Tudor – Author). He also has many, very inexpensive, books on Amazon. Give them a try. Don’t waste anymore time, start educating yourself.

      • TryingtoBreakFree says:

        You need to see him for the liar that he is…a liar is a cheater….and put yourself in her shoes…how would you feel if your husband were having an affair? Devastated!!! IM SURE OF IT!! Thinking of it this way is helping me alot…

        I wanted to still be friends with him…but why? We were never friends to begin with…why would I want to be friends with someone who cheats on his wife..

        Dont need that type of negative energy in my life in 2017…this year I wanna do better..find my own husband…and forget the coward fuck boys…excuse my language…but thats what they are…

        Please believe nothing stays in the dark for too long…no one gets away with type of behavior forever..mark my words as God as my witness…The lord will bring things to light…trust me…Ask the lord for forgiveness and move on…

        Im so DOPE…I have so much to offer…I dont deserve to be somebodys seconds..no way…Im wife and mother material…I allowed myself to get caught up with some lame dude just because I was deseperate for attention…NEVER AGAIN…

    • Michelle says:

      I feel your pain, just remember and this is what I got told. They won’t air dirty laundry on social media, we don’t know what goes on offline as such. I’m going through exactly the same thing.

  56. Secret girl says:

    Dear Sharon,

    Thank you so much:) you ate so right. He is narc. Talked with her nanny and gosh i am with him for 3 years and i dont know who is the real him. He separated from his first wife bec he placed a gun on her head but did not shut just to threat her. Then he push his first wife to the stairs bec of a fight. The second wife who is he staying with right now everytime they have a fight he always slap her face, strangled her neck and almost kick her head then the girl will be the one to say sorry. Sharon i dont know who you are. But i dont know how to thank you for making me realized all these things. I will leave him for good. I know thta it will be a roller coaster of emotions but i will be strong enough to be firm and i will love myself more. Thank you for saving my soul. Thank you so much Sharon and everyone here. I am not making any move to contact him and will continue to do this. Again ty so much

    • Sharon says:

      You are so welcome, Secret girl. May God bless you because you’ll need the strength, wisdom and patience with yourself to get through this, but you CAN get through it. XXX’s 🙏😌💕

      • Secret girl says:

        Ty so much really. Right now he is not disturbing me at all so it is easy now. Maybe he also get tired of me and it is ok for me.he is so conceited that he can live without me and i should be the one to chase him and sorry but i will not going to do that. Thank u so much sharon

  57. Sylvia says:

    Hello my name”s Sylvia. I’m writing because I’m also dating a married man for two years. He don’t live with his wife for ten year because he lived in a different state doing of work. He goes to see her two or three time a year every three months the rest of the time he spend it with me and stay every nignt with me. He came to my live when I was the most vulnable doing to several foot surgery I had in the past two years. Even doe I knew this wasn’t going last ifelt in love wit him. Now he’s spending the holidays with her. I wrote to him and told him him to do not come back unless he come with divorce papers on his hand last week, he’s didn’t reply back. I made a decision and I’m moving away out of the city for some time n not contact him ever again.

  58. Secret girl says:

    You see sharon after our major fight last dec 26 he did not communicate at all because his wife will arrived that night and until now no message at all from him. He is happy going everywhere with his wife. He is using no contact because he is really mad at me because i told him i will talk to your wife ( which obviously will not do that just to get even) he will not going to approach me until i will be the one to approach him. I am also out of the country and be back ok Jan 2 but i have no plans of approaching him and will ignore him even if we are officemates. Im sure he will show the world that he is not affected at all. He wants me to feel that its nothing if we will not talk to each other. That he is willing to let me go. I am dying inside and so depress but i will not talk to him and will not do any move as he expects me to do. Do you think he will let me go and will not talk to me anymore. He is very conceited that i cannot stand not having him in my life. He will wxpect me to do a way or move to fix things up. But with gods grace i know i can do it. If i ignore him totally will he not react and will alao let me go?! Because that is what is telling our friends if my decision is to let him go fine with him he will not make any effort for me. If i move on and ignore him do you think he will let me be or will talk to me after sometime.

    • Melissa says:

      Girl he’s going to hit u up as soon as he knows you’re really not paying attention and not just acting like you are. They need all the attention they could get. He will not leave you alone it’s something you have to do. It’s super hard I’m struggling right now. I’m starting to talk to someone else now but I’m still in contact. I’ll trying to do things the best way I can with my circumstances. It’s not easy and only you know the best way. Remember to protect your feelings, but also remember there will be pain. A lot of it, and it’s up to you to manage how much I can handle at once. Just work at your own pace take it one day at a time but always working towards your goal: to leave his ass for good.

    • Sharon says:

      Secret girl, he is not going no contact because his wife is there. He’s using it because it’s one of a Narcissists main weapon to use against you. It’s called “The Silent Treatment”. Also, he is not happy with his wife either. A narcissist will NEVER be happy with anyone, they can’t be because they feel no love at all. They don’t have the same empathetic feelings like a normal person does (happiness, joy, sorrow, guilt, remorse, etc.), it’s all an act! They are grand masters at acting and playing us like puppets. It’s up to you to fight your way out because as long as you stay with the MM, I guarantee he will suck your soul dry. Also, don’t believe a word he says about his wife because another great tool for a narcissist is lies, lies, lies. They are the greatest liars of all time and there isn’t anything you can say or do that will stop him from lying to you. Also, whatever you do, DO NOT take out revenge on him because you may end up paying dearly. You have no idea what type of narc you’re dealing with (see the narcissist website) and you could be putting your life at risk; either from him utilizing “The Smear Campaign” or destroying your property or even physically harming you. The only option for you getting out of the hell you’re in is to educate yourself on Narcissism and going complete NO CONTACT! Trust me it hurts like hell, but staying with him will eventually kill your soul.

      What kind of Narcissist is yours:

      The Lesser – https://narcsite.com/2016/10/16/the-5-central-questions-the-lesser/
      The Mid Range – https://narcsite.com/2016/10/17/the-5-central-questions-the-mid-ranger/
      The Greater – https://narcsite.com/2016/10/20/the-5-central-questions-the-greater/

  59. Sara says:

    I’m so thankful there are others like me and to know I’m not alone. Its been 34 days since I ended a 2 year relationship with my married man. Unfortunately my story is no different. I fell for him and his words of love. We were soul mates and he was trapped in an unhappy marriage with a wife who controls everything…. Or so he said. He said he would leave her but it hasn’t and never will happen. I was fooled and I knew it because I was in love and chose to believe the lies. But the mask of deception fell off 33 days ago when he took his wife on a romantic weekend away to London. I have not contacted him since although he has texted me a few times. These men lie and manipulate and by the time you realise, you’re in love with low self esteem as a result of competing with his wife. My MM’s wife found out very early on in the relationship but turned a blind eye. She knew he never stopped seeing me but chooses to play happy families on Facebook and in company. I sometimes think her situation is worse than mine, after all she must be unhappy too. Breaking up is the hardest thing in the world and it takes a major event to realise that it’s all one big sham. I know I will heal and get stronger in time, although I never stop thinking about him and I still love him. Hopefully someone reading my story will get some comfort knowing that they are not alone and that these married men are very clever in how they operate.

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      Hi Sara,
      I do indeed find a lot of comfort reading your words, I have myself cut contact more than 2 months ago now, but there are days like today when things are hard. The story is the same over and over for all of us. I was just thinking now that I should be happy, because I can still meet someone good for me with who I will be happy and that I will make happy, whereas him and his wife have decided to stay stuck in unhappiness and faking happy times.
      Are you living in Europe as well ? If so, Me too, in France 🙂 Sara, know that you are not the only one. I have discovered on this website that we are so many some days we are better than others, but right now what is important is to not go back and get strenght back. When you feel low, talk here, others are here to read you and they feel the same I can assure you. One of my friend once told me, if a man doesn’t get serious with you after 3 months max, he never will. I know we all waited longer thinking patience would help. Truth is, waiting makes us go crazy, I became a person I despise while I was waiting for him. Crying, feeling worthless, a piece of crap compared to the person he was staying with. I never want to feel the same ever again, love can be disappointing but that type of story is the worse we ever can have. I wish you all the best, be strong I am thinking of you. xxo

      • Sara says:

        Optimism and thinking positively about the future is the way forward ☺ They’ll be good days and bad days but I know that my bad days will never feel as bad as the disappointment and dispair I felt on a regular basis! Loving and leaving a married man can drive you crazy and make you do and say things that are not the real you. I’m enjoying finding myself again and welcoming in the new year, new start. Stay strong too my friend, you’ve survived this far and I hope that one day you meet someone who deserves your kind and genuine heart xx

    • Sharon says:

      Stay strong, Sara! You’re doing the absolute thing by walking away. You must remain NO CONTACT, if you want to begin heading in the right direction. Yes, it’s painful as hell, but it’s a must to go through the pain, if you truly want out of it. I wish more people would read the narcissist website I posted so many times, but I also understand that everyone has to learn in their own way, My prayers are with you, asking for strength, light and guidance as you find your way out of the mess that he dragged you into. What these men have done to us is nothing less than emotional abuse. I stayed in my situation for nearly 5 years and I plead with you to start finding knowledge now so you don’t end up worse off than you are right now. Good luck to you, Sara!

      • Melissa says:

        Hey…everything on the site is true. Everything. And thanks for sharing it.

      • Sharon says:

        You bet Melissa! I’m so thankful knowing that you’ve read it. It truly is mind-blowing to finally discover why it is we’re all (on this site) attracted to these kind of men and what it all “really” means. It clears up the confusions we’ve all been through almost immediately if you’re willing to give the site a fair chance. My new year is definitely going to begin a hell of a lot better than last year because this year I’m filled with a shit load of knowledge. So much so that I actually love being by myself and I like who I am. That’s the kind of new year I want for all of you!

        HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL OF YOU!!! 🙏😊💕🎊

    • Tina says:

      Hi Sara,

      I am yet to have that big event that tells me it’s all ‘one big sham’. Despite this I still know he is fooling me. I have seen messages and emails, I know that he is very loving and affectionate with her (is this to stop her from being sucpicious or is it because he feels this way about – I will never know).

      What I do know is that he will not leave her, he says ‘she knows I’m not interested?’, what does that even mean? If that is the case then why does she stay with him? If that is the case then why is he constantly texting her when we are together?

      All of these questions and doubts lead me to the conclusion that he is lying to me as well as her and even himself. I realised there was no happy ending for me and so I cut him off. I blocked him on whatsapp and stopped replying to his messages, now he texts me saying how much he misses me and how ‘awful’ it is to not be able to speak to me.

      I have so much anger towards him for infiltrating my life and consistently pursuing me until I gave in and fell in love with him.

      I want to tell him how much I hate him and why, to release my anger BUT if I do that surely we will engage in another dialogue and I will be wrapped up in him again?

      How do I release my anger? Also, he is engaged, (wedding not planned yet as far as I know) will he go on to marry someone he has lied to and deceived? I want to ask him this but of course I am ‘cold turkey’ right now and I see every interaction as a victory for him.

      It’s only been a few days so I assume it will get easier right?

    • sue says:

      Hi Sara I am also thankful there are others like me. My affair went on for 15 years!!!!!!! We met when I was on a girls trip in Hilton Head SC and he was on a golf trip. We both were married. I wasnt even thinking about a affair much less a 15 year affair! HE pursued me like crazy and I finally had dinner with him six months later when he was in my city on business……that was 1997!!!!!!! I lived in Ohio and he in South Carolina. We started this affair and continued seeing each other over the next 10 YEARS….. when he was in town for business or I would meet him when he was on the road……sometimes.driving up to 6 hours. We both fell in love with each other (or so I thought) Finally, after 10 years I left my husband and he left his wife. The day AFTER he moved out he lost his job of 23 years!!!!! He stayed separated for 6 months and things were great between us. I was still living in Ohio…divorced now…… and the one doing the driving or flying to make it happen for us to be together. Of course making it easy for him and he was still married!!!!! But he kept telling me everything I wanted to hear and I kept hanging on…… After about six months of separation slowly but surely I noticed he was pulling away from me and the next thing I know he had moved back home. He told me he wanted to start his own business and needed wives help financially. His wife was a very successful attorney. (of course using her as well) We broke things off for about a year and I was heartbroken…. during this time he opened his first restaurant . After that opened and things settled down and it was convenient for HIM… he started calling me again and I fell right back to where we left off …… I started driving the 6 hour drive or flying to SC so we could see each other. I would stay in a hotel and he would pop in and out. ….he still living with wife. The affair continued because I had fallen in love with this man. He kept telling me how much he loved me and ONE DAY he would prove it. He just needed to get another restaurant opened so he could give me the lifestyle he wanted for us both. LOL Of course, I wanted to believe him I had fallen deeply in love …. cost me a marriage….. and at this point 10 years invested !!!!!!! His wife also found out but chose to completely ignore it She blamed me totally for the affair!!!! She is also in total denial. Finally, after 6 more successful restaurants and 5 more years of this affair things finally started to change for me I became everything I am not……complete bitch…..constant nagging…..questioning his whereabouts AND all along he is STILL living with his wife……I loved this man so much but I knew in my heart the truth. So after 15 years of this affair which started when I was 35 ……..I am now 54 HE broke it off with me 4 years ago. Blaming me of course for the reason . Saying how I had changed LOL I havent seen him in 4 years I am now 54. He is now a VERY successful restaurant owner with 6 restaurants and growing. I have tried to reach out to him..he has disregarded me like a piece of trash. (of which I am total opposite) I have been completlely heartbroken for 4 years now. And left questioning how and why did I allow this to happen to me?? I totally ignored what I knew in my heart was the truth. All I can say is this was the biggest mistake of my life!!!!!! I wasnt even seeking out a affair….he pursued me like crazy….I fell for it and 20 years later here I am heartbroken…low self esteem.. jealous…..and just mad at myself. It has changed me so much. He on the underhand is still with his wife…and I cant even imagine her situation….. Obviously my marriage had issues I didnt even realize or I would have never fallen for this back in 97. The funny part about all this….my friends would think I would be the last person to have had a affair much less a 15 year affair!!!!

      • Sharon says:

        OMG, Sue, your story is mine, plus 10 years 😉 I have not read a story yet, quite like mine, until you. Sue, if you want to really know everything, please go to the website I’ve been spreading all over this site. It’s called “Knowing the Narcissist” by HG Tudor and it’s at the narcissist website. I’m 52 and was in a 5 year relationship and I know how devasting the ending of that was for me. I can’t imagine what you must be going through after 15 years. I can understand your pain still being present 4 years later and I am so sorry you had to endure all of that which you did. Sue, I can sense you’re an intelligent woman, please read the blog, starting with his first article beginning August of 2015. HG explains why he’s doing the blog and he’s got over 2.35 million hits, which says a lot. Anyway, you will be blown away by what you learn about your married man and yourself. Especially yourself. Yes, it can be overwhelming and even a bit depressing at times, but he tells the brutal truth and he’s helping millions of people just like you and me. Sue, I guarantee you’ll find exactly what you need to know, and a lot more closure than you probably have right now. The truth is painful, but fight through it sister, knowing that you’re supported and loved!!!

        Good luck and take care of you Never stop smiling.

        Sharon ~ 😊

        P.S. You can also search HG Tudor on YouTube to listen to interviews being done with him. By the way, he’s from London.

      • Tryingtobreakfree says:

        Oh wow sue…I’m sorry to hear that…15 years!!! And he blamed you?! What a loser…if I were you I would burn down all 6 restaurants….don’t play with a women’s feelings!!!

      • sue says:

        I just want to add to my comment…..I found out this week he has a new women on the side. AND still married !!!!! I am telling all of you that are in a affair…..RUN! I didnt listen to my friends and now here I am….please dont let it take you 15 years like me! I would have never given him 15 years if he wasnt so great at keeping me hanging on!! Like I said in my first comment……I wasnt looking for a affair…..he pursued me like crazy…..I fell in love and 15 years later here I am! He kept telling me to hang on while he got his business going….I waited and 6 restaurants later and huge success….. he dumped me like trash. It started 4 years ago with the breakup…of course he couldnt tell me the truth about breaking up with me…..so he started ignoring my phone calls…..when he would answer he blamed me for bothering him and I was always so negative!!!!! left me totally confused. He dumped me like 15 years was nothing!!!! That was four years ago and it has taken me this long to really believe I fell for him …..I am now grieving like a death. I lost my best friend and lover! I also lost my bother and mother within 6 months of each other last year…left him a message and got no response from him until weeks later. Just unbelievable!!!! The hurt from that was when I realized it was OVER! RUN women RUN!!

  60. Tarnya says:

    i am currently dating a married man and I need to cut off all tires with him after reading all these mails it so true the only way is to block him so you have no tires at all with him his promises I cannot deal with any more I deserve so much more than this really I do thanks for all the emails on this website made me decide its not worth waiting

    • Sara says:

      Tarnya, these men are all the same and use the same tools to manipulate and make us fall in love. If you find the strength then run for the hills and don’t look back. If he loved you he would be with you now. Don’t forget to look in the mirror and acknowledge you and who you are now abd tge person you were before you got sucked into this situation. Love yourself and be kind to yourself. You deserve more and can do this. So many woman you read about here have! X

    • Sharon says:

      It’s not going to be easy Tarnya, but it will damn well be worth it. Please go NO CONTACT in all areas of your life and realize, if he’s a narcissist, he will find ways of charming you back into his web. If he does, it will only get worse for you after he’s issued you the “Golden Period” again. You’re never going to get what you want from him because he has absolutely nothing to give. That’s why he’s cheating on his wife, because he has nothing to give her either. He’s void of all that is good and right, but he’s a damn good actor and will definitely invite you into his fantasy world as long as you’re willing to go. Don’t do it … YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER!!! Good luck to you Tarnya 🙂

  61. Phina says:

    Im so happy to finaly meet people having the same situation as me. Its been so painful dating this married man. I hope one day i will have courage to say goodbye. We have a lot of chemistry and the love is growing each day. We spend so many days and nights together which makes so hard for me to let go. He even ask me to have a baby for us to create more bond. In his culture devorce dont play along. Though he has being admitting having a bad tym with his wife. Saying he wishes he could turn back the time. I know i may sound stupid but love is the matter of the heart. If u are single dont you ever date a married man.

  62. Secret girl says:

    I accidentally found site and the comments on how to end a relationship with a married man. I am 38 years old im married but my husband is gay thou he is in denying it to me all the time. I have been in a 3 yrs relationship with a mm and he happens to be my officemate. Our 3 years together is exciting and electrifying but lately we have lots of fights he is blaming me that even the smallest things is already a big issue to me. I want to explain to him that i want to be treated the way i deserved and that small things for him is already huge thing for me and we always end fighting before he will talk to me and get things fixed but now he is ignoring me and letting me the one to do a way to patch things up with him. If i will not talk to him i think thats the end of us. He told me he is tired of me being so childish and immature when i already gave my all, everything to him but still i am the bad person everytime we have fights. His wife is working in japan as prostitute/entertainer if he really loves her why is he allowing her to work like that and then have a relationship with me. I am taking good carw of them. I always accompanying her mom to all her check ups and buy all medicines for her. I take care of his children needs and all of his needs but i dont think he appreciates it. He is not showering me with enough respect and attention. He always calls me crazy every fight we have. I love him so much but last dec 26 we had a major fight which i told him i will talk to his wife ( thou i will not do that, just want to get equal because of all the nasty things he told me) he was very angry and shouted every hurtful words he can throw to me like don’t you dare, you don’t know the implications of what you just told me, this will be the last time that you can bother me etc etc. then i told him i will not do that its just i want to get even with him and not serious about what i told him but he is mad so mad that i told him ok do you want us to separate now? But he cant answer me straight. If he is that mad he should have ket me go, if he thinks im crazy then he should have let me go but he didnt. He told me i should have to talk to him if he is not mad at all. He wants me to be the one to approach him after all. If i will not do a move he will not talk to me anymore and ignore me. His wife is here and will stay until jan 27, he told me during our fight that he cant speak to me in a low tone of voice because he is very angry with me. And i think he will not do any way to contact me at all he will ignore me and will not talk to me unless i am the one to go and make a move to talk to him. I am the one paying for his kids tuition fee, their groceries and all and i have nothing left for me. I buy everything they need. But in the end he does not appreciate what i am doing and just disrespect me. I love him so much but i am loosing my self in the process of loving him. What should i do. I have no one to talk to. Please sharon. I am so depress and lonely. I miss him but on other side of me i want to move on from this. He is not doing any effort to communicate because his wife is here and he is mad. I am nothing to him. I am so hurt like hell. I dont know what to do i want to be far far away from him but he is my officemate and will see him atleast 4x a week. And i get attached to his family. I am so hopeless. I have no friends to talk to. I pity myself.

    • Sharon says:

      Oh my hell, Secret girl, I can’t even finish reading your post (but I will) because I needed to tell you to PLEASE, PLEASE read the narcissist website … PLEASE!!! Just in the first few sentences your wrote, I can guarantee you are dealing with a narcissist. He’s already given you the Golden Period and now you are being devalued by him. You will NEVER again get the Golden Period back, period. Oh he may try giving it to you again because he knows you’ll fall for it, especially if you’re trying to leave him, but don’t for one second think that anything will change for the better. It’s not going to. There will come a day when you are no longer giving him the fuel he needs to keep his charade going with you; and when that day comes he’s going to discard you out of the blue. You won’t know what hit you and that’s when you’ll basically feel like all you want to do is die. Trust me, I know, I’ve been there. I was discarded 10 mos. ago and I’m barely now beginning to feel like everything is going to be okay. Look, he’s playing a very masterful game with you and I would much rather know I did what I could to help you get the upper hand on what he’s going to ultimately do to you if you don’t act now. Please, read at least 6 articles from the narcissist website and then keep reading if nothing has hit you yet. I’m trying to save your life Secret girl, please help me help you by taking my advice. HG Tudor also has many, many books (on Amazon) describing in full detail what a narcissist is all about. He is brutally honest and he’ll answer any questions you might have when reading his work. I’ll tell you right now, there isn’t a therapist in the world that can teach you more about yourself and why you’ve gotten mixed up with a MM than HG Tudor. He’s extremely overwhelming at first, but stick with it because eventually he’ll have you hooked too, but this time in a magnificent way. Now I’ll go back and read your post, if you’ll promise to go to the other site and read HG’s post. Good luck to you Secret girl … this may be the answer to your prayers!

    • Seed says:

      He is definately a narcissist, secondly he is using you but you can stop the pain and being miserable by changing your mind!I did this with married man of 3 years and when I broke up with him i almost felt nothing !
      You must first accept you are not a victim!you are a soul worthy of love!take your personal power back by thinking such thoughts!then start loving yourself,this means dont doit think any thoughts that will make you miserable!whiles I was in the relationship I turned things around gradually by restraining myself,there was a time I allowed him to do all the calling and only related to him at my convenience,I was so in love with him i left my husband for him,i have two children and so you can imagine my devastation.I accepted the relationship for what it was.I started seeing it as a game or fun instead of taking it too seriously so I always planned my days without him included.At a point I had a complete life without him,it was not easy but I took advantage of the times he abandoned me to get strength ..like this time that you not hearing from him.Secondly I always knew he will come back so I started to see him as weak and saw myself as the strong one.I did things with my friends,kids and enjoyed myself anytime there was a gab till I mastered how to live without him.You must start loving yourself, tell yourself a different story than you are doing now!Trust me if you get strong you can walk away easily without a pity party!email me on [email protected] can do this together! Sending you love and hugs because you are worthy!

  63. J says:

    It hurts more than I ever thought. But, I needed my self-respect back. It helped me to focus on the bad times and his flaws. I hate to say that, but it did. I needed practical advice. This was what got me through…along with my son. 🙂

  64. Monica says:

    Well here come the holidays again! NEVER would I have thought I would be in the same boat I was last year and the year before. Alone on Christmas and worst of all, alone on New Years Eve. I’m 40 and have been with this 46 year old married man for 2 1/2 years. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be in this situation AGAIN this holiday season. A friend of mine introduced us but she wasn’t aware he was married. Then he told her he was married with 2 kids but we still all went out as friends. Soon enough he started to pursue me. Of course I said NEVER will I ever. I always made fun of women who dated a married men. I used to say to myself I would never put myself in a place where I will only be hurt in the end. He was very honest since the beginning. He said his 10 year marriage was good and had no major problems with his wife. He even went as far as telling me they did have sex (even though it wasn’t all that good). I didn’t want such brutal honesty lol but that’s just how he is. Needless to say we both played with fire. He had never had a relationship (girlfriend) outside his marriage. He had messed around a few times but nothing more than a couple of dates so he was really upset with himself for allowing himself to get caught up with me long term. After 3 months he got me an apartment and we saw each other everyday. We were madly in love but he seemed very stressed at times. He was crazy about me but said he cared for his wife and kids and didn’t want to hurt them. I moved out after a year because I wanted to get out of the situation and it was getting hard for him to pay my rent. I moved with my family but still see him at least 3 times a week. He takes me to dinner and drinks, and buys me nice things sometimes. He is very kind and nice with a big heart. I guess that’s why I fell for him. But the reason I fell in love with him is going to be the reason we wont be together. He will never have the heart to turn his back on his family. About a year and a half into this I asked him if this is the way things were going to be forever. He said he never lied to me or promised me anything and that he could not predict the future, but as of that moment he was ok with the way things were (living with his wife and me on the side). After that moment I kind of lost the little bit of hope I had. I also knew people from his culture rarely EVER divorce. But here I am. A year has passed since I had “The talk” and I’m still here. I go out all the time to try to meet men but It’s hard to find the chemistry and all of the things I like in a man. I’ve met a couple of men I liked who were single, but they turned out to be players who want to be with many women. I’m really trying to meet somebody else because I’m so ready to be with a guy who can stay up with me passed 11pm and able to see me on Saturday! If I found a decent guy I would be able to leave this MM in a minute! But its so hard to do in a city like Los Angeles. Not too many nice guys here and I’m not getting any younger either. I think that’s another reason why I stay in it. I’m starting to feel that my options are limited because I’m in my 40’s even though people tell me im beautiful and look young. I used to love weekends and now I dread them sometimes. The reason I’m telling all of this is because maybe I can help somebody. I’m not going to say this has been all terrible because it hasn’t (in my situation). Relationships have always been difficult in my life and there is always headache and heartaches even when the guy is single. My married man and I have had the greatest time together. sometimes its been amazing, but the biggest problem that I had is the feeling of emptiness when we are having so much fun and then suddenly he has to leave. You are left sitting there with your glass of wine in your hand crying inconsolably because you feel so empty inside. When the Christmas tree is lit and he isn’t there to open presents with you, and worst of all watching all the other couples kiss on New Year Eve but he is kissing his wife and not you. And now thanks to social media and facebook, you don’t only have to imagine the celebrations with his wife, but now you can actually see the pictures yourself! It is like torture. The knife cuts in deep over and over again but you cant get out because of fear you wont find something better. Always knew being with a married man would be heartbreaking and I was right. I don’t wish this on anybody. Well guys Hopefully after these torturous holidays I’ll finally be so heart broken to finally say enough and I cant take it anymore. We will see

    • Marie says:

      OMG I’m reading your story and it feels like I wrote it. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. As someone who is/also dated a married man with 2 kids I can totally relate. This has been the most torturous hell on earth. To add insult to injury it’s my boss too. WTF was I thinking. All of the I’m crazy about you but can’t hurt my family talk I heard too. When you mentioned how empty you felt after he left sitting there with a glass of wine… I’m right there with you. The last time he and i were together I drank a bottle and a half of wine and cried uncontrollably for hours. Beyond empty…Holidays and weekends are brutal especially when you think about them living their “normal” life and you’re sitting at home alone. At first it’s really flattering to be chased by someone you have such great chemistry with. Reality sets in and before you know it you’re emotionally attached to someone that can only give you crumbs. Breaking up is so incredibly difficult bc it’s like a drug. You get your high and then crash like you didn’t know you could feel such abandonment, sadness and shame. I find myself going in cycles with my dude and we’ve only been seeing each other for a few months. I try to breakup and then get sucked right back in. I’ve lost 8 lbs during that period.
      I used to work out, meditate and relish time with friends. Now I’m just obsessed with checking my phone for messages from him. It’s so f**ked up and twisted. I’ve completely lost myself. I hope you call it quits for good. You have to and I have to do the same. This has altered my life and not for the better. I’m pushing 40 so I get what you mean about not finding someone better. Anything is better than this and that I can say with confidence. Worst nightmare of my life. Maybe we should try to remember that they’re energy vampires sucking the life and soul out of us. If you really think about it they’re getting the best of both worlds and now all of their needs are being met. We’re left drained, empty and depleted. I wish you all the best and God bless

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      Dear All,

      festive seasons is coming and reading all your stories does make me feel sad and upset. I have not talked to my MM since 2 months today. Still can’t believe I let myself fall in such a situation, I am very happy I am out, I do miss him but a part of me believes that it was not all true. It is only true when it is a 100% relationship. I am like most of you, can’t meet anyone that feels as good as he did, but I am now in the phase when being alone and being good with myself is what I want. I read somewhere than focusing too much on relationships and wanting to have someone is a sign of boredom. It is all different for everyone, but as Sharon always said, please realise than most those married men if not all are narcissist and the only thing their want is their own happiness.Loving someone is not putting them in those situation. I wish you all the strength in the world to get out, It hurts you feel empty and hurt and you want to die. But little by little, trust me not being checking your phone all the time, feeling like the worse garbage ever being behind everyone in his life and starting to gain confidence back and worth of respect will be there. I do miss the thrill and him, can’t lie, but I felt like crap for a year like I never did, lost weight, fell into depression, I was low like I never was before. Leaving my married man was tough (we were supposed to meet in Dubai, I never took the flight, we never spoke again and he was due to pay half my ticket but never did, and I don’t even have much money and got screwed) I guess now he is all happy with his wife and kid, and what can I do. I just want to to be that strong woman I always wanted to be and me leaving him is part of going on that path. This community has helped me so much, Ladies, we are or were all in the same sh**ty adventure that ruins life, you are not alone and you all deserve so much better than crumbs…. they know we feel/ felt like shIt but still they don’t do anything. Good men don’t do that. Real love doesn’t hurt. It is hard but face the truth and you will go through hell but you will come out so much better. I never thought I would leave. I did, I feel better, I see the light out of the tunnel, I am becoming me again. And one day, I will meet someone who respects me and love me truly, no lies, no ties. Take care of yourself, hugs from France.

      • Jenny says:

        Your reply gives me inspiration. Congrats on 2 months! Anytime you feel weak remember how long it took you to get this far. Never open that door again. I’m so glad I found this website as I’ve never suffered like this over an ending. No, he is not happy with the wife and kid. They are stuck with his sorry, pathetic, loser a$$ and if there is absolutely no trust and commitment. It’s all a facade. One thing I’ve learned is that no one wins in these scenarios. Everyone loses including him. We are all probs pretty lucky we’re not trapped with a self-centered sociopath who only cares about himself and manipulates others. For anyone new to this site and new to this experience get the F out while you still have your sanity. I’m convinced that this has altered my brain chemistry. Read every comment on here and you’ll see the same story over and over and over. Don’t be the other woman.

    • Sylvia Rodriguez says:

      Hello I feel like you was telling my own story. I’m going through the same thing and I like you to email me please I need to talk to someone.My email is [email protected]

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      Hi Monica,

      I hope you are ok. Please if you don’t feel so good during the time, talk to us, share your feelings and remember that you are not alone. I promise you are not and it difficult for all of us here, whether we are still in or out and somehow only remembering the good moments (no no no!). You are not alone, nothing was good and anything that seemed good was all based on lies. I don’t think there is anything better than real honest love . No matter what age, we are not idiots, we thought our story was different, we thought it was beautiful and true. Keep your chin up, you are in charge of your own life and you can go through that. Many of us have, It is tough, it hurts every day, but this is doable. Take care of yourself.

  65. Anonymous says:

    Hello everyone. I broke up with my married man exactly a week ago. Initially I had allowed myself one year for the randevous. But once the year was up I couldn’t pull out. Two years and a half later here I am having the worst week ever. I had to google something because he just emailed me and I needed something or someone to tell me not to reply and I found d this wonderful website. My mm told me that he’s not intimate with his wife, and that she has issues with going outside, and that she was raped etc. oh also that she has some eating disorder. All sorts of things to keep me hooked. It’s so hard to leave him but I have to. I really want a man of my own and I want to get married. I wasted two Years and a half of my life and god knows if I could’ve met my husband. I let this man in all the way. He has keys to my house, knows my daughter, my family and friends. He is the kindest to me. Coming out of abusive relationships made me vulnerable. He is so different. But I am realizing this is abuse in itself. It hurts me so much when he goes home every f**king night. He says she understands him. Well guess what a hole, I’m done with you and she could continue to understand your cheating ass.

  66. Rhea says:

    I have been with a married man for about 10 months. We were not together for 2 months and recently started seeing each other again. I learned that he is also seeing other people. I thought I was special but at last I was just on his rotation. So I’m the other woman and I’m being cheated on. I have decided to free myself from this toxic mess. I deserve better. I am worthwhile and he is not worth me!!!!

  67. Sammy L. says:

    Thank you everyone for your comments. Like you all, I am a smart woman doing something so stupid. I know the relationship is doomed yet I still want to continue seeing my MM. WHY??? Mine is at the very beginning stages. The ‘this is fun sneaking around’ and dangerous/illicitness of it all. I told myself I could handle it. That I would just do it for fun. I haven’t dated in a very long time so I deserve to have someone think I’m gorgeous, beautiful, desirable. It was so good for my ego to be pursued. But of course, now I find myself creeping on his Facebook page, his wifes page, his friends. I can’t wait for his texts or calls…which are always when he decides because I can’t text or call him when I want to. Ugh, I hate that I am falling into this even though I told myself I can do it ‘just for fun’ and I won’t get hurt. I appreciate everyone sharing. I am hoping you’ll all help me empower myself.

    • Marie says:

      I just commented earlier bc I’m in this hell of a roller coaster ride as well and totally feel like I can offer empathy and get some support on this one. I thought I could handle it too. Wow, couldn’t have been any more incorrect. I fell hard and very quickly. If you can get out now please do it. The highs and lows only become more insidious. Be prepared for the hot and cold dance too. They’ll be all about you and then to keep you at arms length will go cold. It’s really fun let me tell you…. not. Of course they can text, call or whatever when it suits them but we are not permitted. That in itself pisses me off to no end. Mine actually blocks my number unless he is initiating the contact. How insulting is that especially when I’ve never even reached out directly like that. Good luck and break free from this prison.

  68. Vanessa says:

    Hi All
    I ‘m very happy to find this website too.. I have been seeing this married man for 2 years now, I am also married with two kids and a very good husband. I ask myself why I an still in this toxic mess.

    I feel I am in love with this married man, in the beginning he will call me often but those calls and texts have been little. We have gone NC many times , last one lasted 3 months. We got back into it again but he will tell me he can move on , he makes me feel like I am the chasing him.

    He does not lavish me with gifts or give me emotional support as some men will do for their affair partners. I don’t know why I keep sleeping with a man who do not love me. I have decided today to end it all quietly with him without saying anything to him. It is hard because we work in the same place but I need to let go.

    I feel more sad and depress than happiness in this affair, I need to start respecting and loving myself.

  69. toni says:

    so so glad to read these stories. I am hurting. I am in love with a man that doesn’t love me. All of your wisdom is helping me. THANK YOU ladies!

  70. So confused says:

    I am so glad to have come upon this blog. And thank you all for sharing you heartfelt stories. I have felt alone for so long. I have been seeing a married man for 9 months and no one knows. I am married with a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful kids. I don’t know why I strayed initially. But I do know that my MM and I felt a connection that, in the beginning, made me feel alive and electric. I love him. But now he is pulling away from me. It feels more painful than any breakup I have ever experienced. I can’t fight for him or declare my love. There is nothing I can do but let him slip away. I ask for more time with him and he “all of a sudden” has more and more things to do at home. He has reduced communication to texting “how was your night” or “I miss you and wish I could see you”. I’ve asked him so many times to just “break up with me” but HE never does – and this keeps me hooked and in love with him. I am making a fool out of myself. I am hurting. I don’t know why he doesn’t love me. I am a smart woman. Why am I torturing myself for scraps of attention?

    • Rhea says:

      Sounds like my story. I think he’s pulling away because it’s not new anymore – he’s had his fill for now but wants to keep you just in case he needs a bit more. Us women fall in love and the men want sex. Recognize when you’re being used. Focus on your husband. That’s what I’m doing. I laid against my husband while watching tv and even though my heart ached for my lover, I knew that my husband was mine; that I could hold him all night – unlike the stolen moments I get with my lover.
      In the beginning my lover was crazy about me. I started to fall for him. The sex was electrifying. He was all I wanted. I felt alive again. But then he began to withdraw and I started to do all I could to pull him back in. He was being deceptive. I suspected he was seeing other people. Just last week, when we were together someone texted him, a woman. I called her and pretended to be his wife and she told me how he had seeing her. I still made love to him. Held him, told him how I felt all the while knowing what he was doing. I wanted one last chance. But I am now furious that I was being used. I have spent so many days with him, gave myself to him. I was just a number to him.

  71. Liz says:

    Hi all,

    I just wanted to say that I wish every single one of you on this site continued strength for what seems like an uphill battle. I know how every one of you feel when you are in love with someone who is in a relationship/married, and you don’t know how to escape it because the love you feel for them is just too strong. I was in this awful situation for a year, but spent more years turning other men down and even leaving my fiance for the married man I got involved with. I didn’t even tell the MM I had feelings for him, I just knew that if I felt so strongly, I could not get married!

    The year I was with him was filled with ups and downs. The highs were so high, and the lows were bad enough where I thought I would rather die. It was only when I came upon this site and gained inspiration from other women, that I began to realize that I COULD leave my situation. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was the best decision of my life. I hope that each and every one of you know that you are worth more than being a secret. You are better than that, and don’t even forget it.

    I am writing this because I have made a decision to start focusing on myself and I don’t think I’ll be visiting this site as often. I know that Sharon and many other women gave me much needed strength, and I am so grateful for that. At the same time, now I need to focus on improving my life and moving forward.

    For anyone that is on here, I never EVER thought of my ex-MM as anything less than my soulmate. I was able to acknowledge that he made mistakes and seemed mis-guided, but I never thought of him as a narcissist. We knew each other for 6 years and we were able to finish each others’ sentences. He was my best friend and partner. But, as I kept reading and realized that so many women went through the same experience, I started realizing that someone was not right. PLEASE visit narcsite.wordpress.com. I know you will think it is BS at first, but just read at least 5 articles. Have an open mind, and then make your own judgments as to why your MM makes the decisions he does.

    I wish every single one of you strength, courage, hope, and happiness. You may not think you are strong enough to leave, BUT YOU ARE!!! I promise you that it gets better with time, professional help (I saw a counsellor for almost a year), surrounding yourself with friends and family, and doing things for you. YOU WILL heal and you will move past this, but only if you let yourself to.

    Good luck to all of you! Just remember that you have a purpose on this earth, and you are not second best. Please be strong and believe in yourself, your future, and your self-worth.

    Liz

  72. Anonymous says:

    I have been married for 6 years and having an affair for almost 5 with another married man from work. We have both fallen madly in love with each other and have the most amazing chemistry, but I am 11 years younger. I have wanted a baby (so does my husband), and anytime I told my affair partner I wanted one he said he would never have more children. He’s 44 and has two children.
    I’ve put off having children because I am so deeply involved with this other man and so afraid to lose him. I have also let my marriage suffer to where my husband says we are more friends then spouses. However I just found out that I am pregnant with my husbands baby. My husband and I rarely have sex but we did and now I’m pregnant.
    I told my affair partner as soon as I found out and he is now telling me how in love with me he is. He wants to have children with me and marry me, and if I really wanted children so badly why didn’t I tell him. I keep telling him that I did, and he repeatedly told me he would never have another child. We keep meeting and talking and everytime we do we both just cry and cry because we can’t say goodbye. He told me he will leave his family and give me everything I could ever possibly want, but I am terrified to do so. He keeps saying that this baby is a mistake, and we can have one together. I’m a complete disaster and can’t even believe that I’m considering terminating this. But I don’t want to make an even bigger mistake and let the love of my life go. I have no one to talk to as no one in the world knows about this but he and I.
    I don’t even know what to expect from this, but I just need someone who can relate and give me some advice.

    • Liz says:

      Anonymous,

      PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not believe the man you’re involved with. Please read the other posts below and see the patterns we all see in these men. Believe me, I know what it’s like to be in love with someone to the point where you would do anything to be with them, but true love does not hurt like this. True love does not withhold a baby from you. My ex-married man also said he would not have another baby, then changed his mind to lure me back in (it worked), and then said no again. It was a vicious cycle, and one that I now understand was about control. My ex-MM never came across as controlling to me, but when you are in love, many things are blinding.

      I hope and pray you make the decision that is right for you. I wish you all the best, and I truly hope you can take some of what I’m saying to heart. Maybe you are not in love with your husband, but eventually, you would see the other man for who he is too.

      Best of luck,

      Liz

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      Hi Anonymous,

      I think you are going through something so hard right now and I am sorry. I understand the questions you may ask yourself regarding to having a baby with your husband, I had the same. Though I think right now whatever you do you need to do it FOR YOU and not for you married man. If he was the love of your life, he would not keep you aside for 5 years . And why haven’t you left your husband neither ? I am leaving mine so I know it is complicated but you need to make things straight, for yourself, your husband and the married man. Whatever you decide, please don’t do it for the married man. I know you are in love and so is he, but love is not hurting people. Either he is leaving his family and you live yours NOW or you will just drag this around for another set of years. If you read everyone story, it is all the same, we wait wait and wait and nothing happens. ForeverWaiting once told me, if they don’t take a decision in the first few months, then they never will. We both waited for love thinking being patient was the only solution. IT IS NOT. The solution is you focusing on your life and making things straights. I left my husband who I love very much because I know I would cheat on him. He doesn’t deserve this and I set him free. Seriously, take time for yourself, and reflect on everything. We, all women on that website were crazy in love, with those men, the love of our life. At the end, we all stopped, and none of them has taken a decision to be with us. Think about it. Think about your life, your husband’s and that man. Try to be honest with yourself, I know it is hard, but 5 years and no decision ?? doesn’t that tell you something ? I am sorry for that, but we all need men who have balls to take a decision. He needs to take one and you need to. Be tough be strong be smart, please be smart. And talk to your husband or think about it. I am here if you want to talk like the others, I know you must be in despair right now, sorry if I was not sensitive enough, I am just scared for you and don’t want you to be fooled… Time for a deadline, on all aspects and then 1 thing at a time. But he can’t ask you to not have that baby and not take a decision with his life. It’s now or never, and really if not now, it’s never and stop waiting or you will waste your life and your husbands…and you still have life in front of you!!!!!! Lots of hugs and be strong and stay focus and go with your brain on this one..and read all stories on the website, hope it helps..

  73. JustDumb says:

    The married guy I chose to get myself involved with was an old high school friend. He always described his marriage as more of a friendship. I believed him when he told me they were never intimate. He would talk to me all of the time, even when she was home. They have 3 children together and I never wanted to disrupt their family. I never thought a simple friendship would turn into a 3 year relationship. I became pregnant and we now have a 5 month old son. When she found out she chose to stay and work it out. I have never asked him to leave her for me, I never would. He has never told me that he would leave her. While I was pregnant we never stopped the affair. The day I went into labor we had been intimate. He was not there when I delivered our son, she would never allow that. I told him that as long as he wanted to be a part of our sons life that he was welcome. I would never deny him his son. When our son was 4 weeks old he told me that his wife was pregnant again. He called me crying, begging me to not be upset with him. That he did not want another child. I was devastated but I did not let him know. When their baby is born, ours will only be 8 months. I worry about how my son will be affected by this, I worry about how his children will be affected by this as well. My other 3 children sure were. I know that my teenage daughters are not proud of me. They are old enough to know what has happened. He keeps him every day while I am at work. His wife and I actually are cordial with each other now. And I know that I am so wrong for continuing the affair. Its like we lead a double life. We spend time together with our son as a family. We meet to be intimate at least once a week. It is those “moments” of happiness that keep me in this horrible situation. My reality is that I am alone. I miss him constantly. I cry at least 3 days a week. I and my “family time” with our son, is always on the back burner. I get canceled on all of the time. I do not know how to leave this affair. How do I leave the man that I am so in love with. I tell myself that those moments are worth putting myself second to someone. Everything I read says to cut off all communication with the married man in order to heal, but how do I do that when we have a child together? I do not want to deny him his son. I know that he loves him. My heart hurts all of the time and its to the point that when I tell myself tomorrow is a new day and you won’t feel this way. Tomorrow you will get to see him and all of this will feel better. At this point tomorrow is not coming soon enough and the thoughts I have are self destructive. I want to forget about him.

    • Miriam says:

      Please help I’m in the same situation.. I’ve been dating this guy for over ten months now but we just broke up, he lives with his baby mama and they have a one year old daughter but he made me understand he is about to separate from her and that they stayed together because she got pregnant but that I should be patient for the baby to grow up a little .two weeks ago he came by and told me they had a fight and she moved out with the baby.two days later he went and brought them back home..out of frustration I called it off and ask him to choose between me and the baby mama because I’m tired of sharing him..I also asked him to return my keys and to come get his stuff from my place..he resisted but when I insisted he sent the keys through his friends but haven’t collected his stuff..since I gave him that condition and broke up he hasn’t said a word no reacted in anyway.. he only stares at me at work..I don’t know what his behavior is saying please help I need answers.. I really do love and care about him

    • Seed says:

      Please be kind to yourself in the meantime!don’t focus too much on the relationship anymore!Breaking up is hard but you can start by making him second too!get a life apart from him,open up to others and answer his calls less,get so busy you stop looking forward to his visit!start by having plans for everyday!that what I did till I knew how to live without my married man.I have two children ,we used to wait on him to take us out and so on!I started to do everything as if I didn’t have him in my life!it’s a mind thing so please start with that now!gradually you will be fearless and can risk loosing him!You are not the only one in this position so it tells you it isn’t so special!am praying for you!be guided!learn tobe kind with yourself!decide that this is your last years and start to live!love so hard that he will start to feel the punch!he will see the new you !rule my dear friend!rule your world

  74. TheSmiths84 says:

    This website is what I needed. I am now dealing with this for 4 years. His (now) wife knows about me. I’m ready to finally let go. I have told myself this before but I need to for my own sanity. I had anxiety and left work when she messaged me today. I am dropping our same hobbies and finding new ones. I can do this. Does anybody write about this? I have been thinking of keeping these feelings in writing. I want to look back and LAUGH at what I thought would never go away, and then light it on fire. I find so much comfort in these stories. Thank you.

  75. Anonymous 31 says:

    Wow. So glad I stumbled upon this page. My story is a little different. I met mike (alias) in a local chat room. Started out friendly enough. We were both married. Neither of us lied about it. I knew my marriage was over, I was already filing for divorce. I worked out of town and went home to find my husband had another woman living in my house. I filed for a divorce and he ended up committing suicide. I was devastated. After the arrangements and all were done I moved far away. I went back to the town Mike was in. We’d talked every day and up until this point we had never actually met. He met me at my hotel the first night I got home. We went to dinner. I cried a lot. He took me back to my hotel and laid with me while I fell asleep for the first time in what seemed like months. That was July of 2015. We still see each other every day. My apartment is on his way home from work. He stops by every day, even when I’m not home. He has a key. We go on dates. And go on trips. He sometimes has to work out of town and I’ll go spend the week with him. He doesnt hide his real life from me. I kno about his wife, his children, his parents. Some of his friends kno about me. He is the kindest, gentlest man I’ve ever met. He helps me so much. He calls me when he is going by the store and brings me things. Not just gifts but food items. I’d I’m low on milk or bread or Diet Coke he I’ll bring them by even if I’m at work. My husband was an abusive man. I got hit and yelled at and called Terrible names every day. I sometimes try and make mike mad to see if he gets angry with me. He never does. He gets sad and asks if he can do anything. He sees a therapist for his past marital problems. There have been issues in the past. He doesn’t talk bad about his wifeS in fact he calls her one of his best friends. He and I are rarely intimate. Maybe once every several months. We just have this connection. Maybe it’s because he was the first person I’ve loved since my husband. And I do say love. Not infatuation. Not lust. He has never told me he was going to leave his wife and I’ve never asked. I know his children 13, 17 are important to him and I’d never ask him to disrupt them. I get holidays with him, just the day before or the day after. I honestly think that this could be enough for me. Oh, and he’s 19 years older than me. I’m 31 and he is 50. I know I *should* leave him, but honestly I don’t know if being with anyone else would be as fulfilling. He is my best friend. He knows me inside out. Am I just being naive?

  76. Anonynmous40 says:

    Im reading.all the stories….Im going through a similar situation…my question is…Do these married men ever get caught? It seems like they never do…and go on living life happily ever after…while we’re going thrrough heartache and pain…

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      I don’t think they ever do…and none of us seem to be the kind to drop the bomb onto a family..

      • Anonynmous40 says:

        Cuz we care too much….

      • Anonynmous40 says:

        Had a moment of weakness…and I got in contact with MM…seeing him on saturday…

      • ForeverWaiting says:

        Annon40! Don’t see the MM tomorrow/Saturday- there is no point. You will say goodbye and he goes back to his wife, its just a vicious circle. Do something else tomorrow, anything fun, cancel the married man!

        Meet him when and if he is ever SINGLE! He will be waking up next to his wife tomorrow…..why would you want to see a man like that? get dating….do anything….post here…just dont meet up, you’ll be back to square 1. I wish I had found this advice years ago!

        Its me ex AM birthday today…..and I’ve no intention of sayingg happy birthday as I wish him the opposite.

        Stay strong, the meet tomorrow will make you feel worse. x

  77. miss-wrong says:

    Just found this site today. I was dating a man for 5 months and only after breaking things off with him (something didn’t feel right) did I find out he was married. We talked and texted every day and saw each other every weekend, went to each other’s homes, etc. When I confronted him he admitted to it all and said he was sorry. Fast forward two weeks with no contact and I’m feeling much better and in comes a text from him. Of course it led to more and eventually us meeting up and sleeping together. I had forgiven myself for the past relationship because we met on a dating site and he assured me multiple times that he was single! But now I’m sickened that I was weak enough to go and see him and tell him that I missed him. The next day he left to go to his home state where his wife has been living (he’s in the Air Force) and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m sure he’s back in town and my gut tells me that she moved back with him this time. I’m sad and mad and frustrated and wanting to give him a piece of my mind. Please respond so that I will not text him to find out anything! I just want to be strong enough to move on and forget him. I was doing well until he contacted me.

  78. Sara says:

    I’ve been with a married man for the past 5 years. In all that time he helped me financially and professionaly to the point where I didn’t know how I could survive without him.

    We would go on trips together and have the most wonderful fun times together where we both said we are madly in love and can’t live without each other.

    In 5 years there have been so many times where I’ve been hopelessly depressed and I’d go out with my friends have drinks and meet men almost like rebelling against him. He’s found out every time and has called me a cheater, really he says I’m cheating on him. He would go through my phone all the time he would stalk my facebook to see anyone new ive added. He puts down my friends and family and makes me feel like he’s the only one who has brought anything good to my life and that I’m to be loyal to only him.

    The crazy thing is after all this I’m finally ready to leave him but I have the wrenching feeling inside that I’m loosing the love of my life. Even with all the bad that’s in there there is a great loss because I’ve been living this way for so long . I hope to God I have the strength this time leave him.

    • MrsFifty says:

      I can completely relate! 17 years same man and we have a child together as well that nobody knows as I am married now too. When we started out he was getting divorced and I was single. He is in the military so our lives have been tricky. He has never helped out with our daughter. She started a few years ago realizing how different she looks compared to her brother and dad. She is almost 16 now and I’ve requested that he start helping out now that he is retired as I protected his 40 year career and I receive no respect from him about it. I’ve had the silent treatment since Nov 7th because I spoke up about his wife. One day he is talking about renting an apartment so we can have our own place together to now running scared.
      It’s hard because I know I have only been in love with him and I often say I don’t know how to live without him in my life. I go to therapy she tells me it’s like mourning a death. What’s sad is just when we think we have it all figured out they toss a wrench in our gears! Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s like that song Vice from Miranda Lambert or Girl Crush we can’t help it. I’m sorry your going through this. I’m here if you need or want to vent!

    • Seed says:

      I felt the same with my married man but I even met him when I was married!I left my husband whiles he stayed with his wife!He was very possessive in the beginning and that made me fall the more but soon you will realise it’s for his happiness and not yours. What I advise is that get strength ..you seem so weak and I have been there severely, get a life without this married man, wean yourself off him gradually meet people for lunch and other activities and gradually stop explaining yourself! Quit telling him everything, try to talk about him and not you.get your strength back gradually till you can walk away one day…I think breaking up abruptly is bad ,especially when he is the only one you do everything with !the missing will be too much for you and you will keep going back

      • ForeverWaiting says:

        Hi Seed!
        Love your comments, I’ve been meaning to write here for a while, but the festive season and getting back to dating has got in the way!

        Just like you, almost 3 years ago I left my ex bf I had lived with for 3 years. The Attached Man has still not left almost 3 years on. By summer its had been 3.5 years since we started and 2.5 years since I left my ex for him! And like you he got more and more possessive and I was also trapped by needing his part time rent.
        He wouldn’t let me date last year (2.5 years in) but this summer and for the 3rd time he told me to move on as he lost his job and was trying to build his business with his GF to cover the loss of earnings. Wow I wait for 3.5yrs and was loyal to him, out up with the loneliness and mental mess up (lying in bed at night knowing who he is led next too is quite simply a mind f***) – then as I wasnt giving him the support he needed (when he no longer needed the flat in the week and was 70.miles away I just knew I wouldn’t see him much) and was upset he told me to move on for a few months and to go and have fun (!) then if I was free in the future then if not so be it. WOW! what a masty self consuming a**hole!!! I ledt my ex for him and he was very pushy then….I wasnt allowed to date (he went made July 2015 anout that) yet he knew after 2.5 years he wasnt leaving anytime soon?!?!

        NARCISSIST. Simple.

        So it took all the sweat, guts and alochol PLUS the amazing women on this site to set myself free. Luckily I got another part time lodger to afford the rent and although had work stress….Ive not text for over 3 months or spoken to him. I had to now work that out!

        I am dating, in fact I have fallen in love with TOTAL opposite man….and I’m for thr first time, probably ever, so happy. It’s early days (a few months) but I forgot what it was like having undivided attention of a true and single man who puts you first and can text and call anytime!

        I decided on my 38th bday in August (last time I saw him) my 39th year was going to change….but only I could make that change.

        You know these men arent amazing? take them OFF the pedestal!!! We see the perfect man (most the time) who makes us feel amazing. Well of course, who would give amazing breadcrumbs tome to us intelligent beautiful women willing to share?!??.

        What we all have/had…..was a nasty a**hole who makes every excuse under the sun to have an affair that also manipulates us too. No one wins….LittleFrenchie…there is NO happy home! no happy family! Id be devastated at rhe thought of my husband having an affair….your ex MM is kissing his wife with the lips that kisses you all over, what a messed up humam he is and that is not a happy family! We are all so much better out this screwed up mess.

        This was almost the 4th Xmas without him. Now I’ve my own boyfriend (however long it lasts) and I’m smiling more than I jave done in years. I thought I was deliriously happy with my ex AM – I realise now I had no confidence, was depressed and although had a good social life I felt sick and down all the time.

        Lets get OUR life back. None are exceptions to the rule.

        Sending you all love and festive hugs Xx

  79. Stressed says:

    I really need someone to help me. I am losing my mind this evening. My story is very long but i will keep it short. I am married with three young kids and have been seeing amarried man on and off for 5 years. First break up was a couple yrs ago. We both have had a hard time leaving because of kids. Well he seems to break up with me evry time i say lets just do it and leave for us and for ourselves and be free to see eachother. I have been left many times in tears and stay home bc i went back to school. He wont change anything. We have recently started seeing eachother but he will not text me after 5 like before and its very different. I brought up the idea of leaving but my husband planned a trip for all of us to the keys. So i had to go. He seemed very upset over it but he goes there all the time and also went to the west coast for the hiday. I texted him today to say im coming home and how is he doing. He says good and cant chat. Then he blocked me. I have t heard from him rest of day and im going nuts. Why would he block me and why am i the one at fault for going away. Im losing my mind over him acting this way. Things have been goinf well and i thougjt we would discuss a plan to move forward. Now he is ignoring me and im a wreck. Help

    • Seed says:

      I felt the same with my guy but I even met him when I was married!I left my husband whiles he stayed with his wife!He was veey possessive in the beginning and that made me evel fall the more but soon you will realise it’s for his happiness and not yours. What I advise is that get strength ..you seem so weak and I have been there severally,get a life of him,wean yourself off him gradually,meet people for lunch and other activities and gradually stop explaining yourself! Quit telling him everything,try to talk about him and not you.get your strength back gradually till you can walk away one day…I think breaking up abruptly is bad ,espercially when he is the only one you do everything with !the missing will be too much for you and you will keep going back

  80. Koala says:

    I really need someone’s help 🙁

    So the MM I was seeing I’ve posted about before, was seeing him for almost 4 years then in July he decided to give me the silent treatment, he was being a dick. He didn’t message me for a week and when he did he send a dumb message making out it was my fault, so I didn’t reply, and nor did he.

    Fast forward five months and I still can’t get over him. When it was his birthday In October posted on Twitter ‘happy birthday mister 🙁 ‘ not to him or anything, he didn’t even have Twitter but just because I felt sad.

    So three days ago he must have found me on Twitter and being reading through my tweets till he saw the one about him.

    He replied to it saying ‘hey.’

    And my curiosity got the better of me plus I miss him so much even after everything, so I just replied with a ‘?’

    And he replied sayin ‘guess the birthday message was for me.’

    And I said ‘well yeah.’

    And then THAT WAS IT. He’s disappeared again like WTF.

    Why bother messaging me after five months just to say that? I’m so upset and confused, please help me 🙁 I don’t understand why he came back and not even to talk just to say what he said then not reply again.

    • Liz says:

      He’s a classic narcissist. Take Sharon’s advice and check out the link to the website she provided. You’ll get all the answers you’re looking for there.

      • Koala says:

        I know… And I appreciate the replies. I’ve read loads of posts on their I can relate to I’m just finding it hard atm. I guess because this is the first time he’s appeared since we stopped talking… And now that it seems he’s disappeared again just after two comments just leaves me at a loss. Like, is he gone for good? Am I supposed to prepare myself for another message? I just don’t know. You are all strong women and I am not. 🙁

    • Stressed says:

      Okay- maybe he did that for some satisfaction. Im sorry. My mm basically doesnt want to do this anymore bc we are both married. He is too coward to make a change and decides to ohnore me when i went away (but he can go whenever he wants). He blocked me for no reason and i cant stop being upset and hurt. They want control

  81. Ally says:

    Hello girls, SO glad i found this article and read through the comment section. I met this married man through a website. He actually deactivated it after we started talking for a while but who knows if he did created another account on it and flirts with other girls. He has two kids. Also 18 years older than me.. he’s rich. Mature. Experienced. And the fact that he’s married yeah. It attracted me, sadly. His wife was away when we first talking. We just text and video chat at first. He always has time for me, always make time and stay up late just to talk to me. So after a week his wife came back and we talked less of course. But we have planned to meet over the weekend in a luxury hotel far away from town.. And we did. I’ve only talked to him for two weeks before we met. It was pure lust at first. I mean im pretty sure I don’t love him or anything close to that. But I got so unbelievably attached after the weekend. He was so sweet, gentle, and so loving. Or should I say he’s just very experienced. He said this is his first time doing this but we all know it’s a lie. To be honest he’s not that attractive. He’s out of shape and older. But I still got attached. And after the weekend he turned into a completely different person. I read these on the internet but nevrr thought it happens to me. I miss him so much. Miss his attention and touch. He promised we’d meet again but now who knows. He has been ignoring my text and all. I know this is only the beginning and it should be easier but it’s killing me. I’ve become so clingy and kept thinking about him. Im so mad at myself. I mean he obviously doesn’t even give a shit about me anymore. I kept telling myself maybe he really is busy with work and that we will hang out again he still want me. I’ve been so distracted, couldn’t focus on on my work also people around me. I feel like im missing out SO much yet im still waiting around for his reply like a retard. I feel like there’s still hope. It’s driving me crazy please help

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      Hi Ally,

      Like many on this website, we understand very well what you are going through. The only thing I can tell you, even tough today you won’t believe you are capable of, is that you can recover from that, you can and will survive this. It is tough today, it is horrible, you miss him, want to cry your heart out and stay in bed and not wake up. I have been through this. I haven’t had news from my married man since a month. But I am getting better, and faster than expected. I think of him everyday I won’t lie, but really I feel so much of a stronger woman that I can move on without him and refocus on me. Trust me, trust us, the best thing you can do is walk away with pride and stop thinking about what he may or may not think. It will eat you alive to try to understand what he is thinking, if he lied or not. Just leave it there, move on and focus on you. If you want to text and talk to him, just post on this website. I have done this and it has helped me so much, without saying that I have made amazing friends with Sharon and ForeverWaiting and we are all here for each other.

      To any woman reading this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE if you want to break up with a married man, we are here, we are a support group from different countries and we will and have helped each other more than we thought. The women I have met here have listened to me over and over, until I had enough talking about it.

      Ally, move on and be strong, and if you feel weak and sad, we are here!!! I am from France, and see, it doesn’t matter, we are all neighbors and friends.Take a deep breath, tell yourself you are worth so much better than this, and you are! and live and experience the pain and sadness, get it though, don’t put anything under the carpet..live the emotions and get everything out of your system, and one day you will have had enough. If you have seen the movie Love Actually, there is a guy who is in love with the wife of his best friend. And one day, he goes tell her this, and when he leaves her, he says to himself walking “enough is enough now”and he walks away and smile. That is how I want to feel everyday and I feel so far, I am back in control, I have had enough and I can move on to a brighter future. Do that!!!

      Lots of hugs from the South of France, and talk to us if you need, we are all here.

      • Ally says:

        Hello littlefrenchie, I literally read through every word of yours in tears. Sobbing like a baby actually. You words are SO on point. You know exactly what I am doing or thinking. I’m supposed to go on a vacation with my married man next weekend. He bought the ticket and all. Now he probably found someone new to go with. He has stopped texting me for a while. Stopped reply me to be exact. And being the pathetic human being I am I called .. just to humiliate myself. He then got mad and told me not to call him unless i asked first. I don’t know why I can’t just move on!!!! I am so mad at myself you know. I need to stop texting him. Pretty sure I mean nothing to him already but i just miss him so much and I just couldn’t believe that he’s this heartless!!! How could a human being be that cruel. I tried to keep myself busy with work. Even go home to spend the weekend at my parent’s. But everything I do every move I made I thought about him and what we had and what we could have. It’s eating me alive. I’m suffering so bad. I feel like I’m literally dying and there’s NO way to breath anymore. I tried everything but I am just SO hurt all I do is feel depressed and miserable 24/7 and constantly cry over this asshole that do not even gives a sh*t about me. PLEASE. HELP.

      • Sharon says:

        Hi Ally,

        First of all, everything FW said is true. More true than we still probably even believe ourselves, but we’re getting there. What I want you to know is that I don’t want you to get to where we are. I want you to save yourself before you fall into the pit of hell (and you will, I guarantee it, if you keep taking the path you’re looking towards). You need to turn and run the other way. I’m going to tell you what I’ve told others, please read the the narcissist website before you keep allowing yourself to go in the direction he’s luring you towards. You need to go NO CONTACT now because this man will destroy your life and steal your soul. There are many other short blogs by this author and it would do you a world of good to educate yourself on what you’re truly dealing with. Good luck, Ally and PLEASE heed our warnings!

        Sharon ~ 🙂

      • Confused says:

        LittleFrenchie

        Your response to Ally had me in tears as well. The married guy I chose to get myself involved with was an old high school friend. He always described his marriage as more of a friendship. I believed him when he told me they were never intimate. He would talk to me all of the time, even when she was home. They have 3 children together and I never wanted to disrupt their family. I never thought a simple friendship would turn into a 3 year relationship. I became pregnant and we now have a 5 month old son. When she found out she chose to stay and work it out. I have never asked him to leave her for me, I never would. He has never told me that he would leave her. While I was pregnant we never stopped the affair. The day I went into labor we had been intimate. He was not there when I delivered our son, she would never allow that. I told him that as long as he wanted to be a part of our sons life that he was welcome. I would never deny him his son. When our son was 4 weeks old he told me that his wife was pregnant again. He called me crying, begging me to not be upset with him. That he did not want another child. I was devastated but I did not let him know. When their baby is born, ours will only be 8 months. I worry about how my son will be affected by this, I worry about how his children will be affected by this as well. My other 3 children sure were. I know that my teenage daughters are not proud of me. They are old enough to know what has happened. He keeps him every day while I am at work. His wife and I actually are cordial with each other now. And I know that I am so wrong for continuing the affair. Its like we lead a double life. We spend time together with our son as a family. We meet to be intimate at least once a week. It is those “moments” of happiness that keep me in this horrible situation. My reality is that I am alone. I miss him constantly. I cry at least 3 days a week. I and my “family time” with our son, is always on the back burner. I get canceled on all of the time. I do not know how to leave this affair. How do I leave the man that I am so in love with. I tell myself that those moments are worth putting myself second to someone. Everything I read says to cut off all communication with the married man in order to heal, but how do I do that when we have a child together? I do not want to deny him his son. I know that he loves him. My heart hurts all of the time and its to the point that when I tell myself tomorrow is a new day and you won’t feel this way. Tomorrow you will get to see him and all of this will feel better. At this point tomorrow is not coming soon enough and the thoughts I have are self destructive. I want to forget about him.

    • Rhea says:

      Funny how they say this is the first time they’re doing this. My lover had a single blue condom and then a new pack. This was not his first rodeo and I certainly am not his last. He was using me!!

  82. Kim says:

    I made the mistake of talking to a married man. I’ve never done this before, he says it’s his first time too but men lie. This started last week. I was going to end it when he told me he was married and gave me his sob story. But I got a call from a guy I was dating that I left alone. All he did was got me even more upset than I was when I left him alone. I guess you can say I’m still talking to the MM because of a rebound. BTW, I met him on one of the dating sites. He still looks fow women on this site. I haven’t met him in person yet. We exchanged pictures and get along great. I refuse to send him naughty pictures, although he is always asking. That is with all men I chat with. But I am starting to feel uncomfortable with this. Oh yeah, he does not want me date other men while I’m seeing him.

    • Forever Waiting says:

      Hi Kim,

      If you have only just started talking, then just stop. All you have to do is read our stories below to stop any heartbreak and mess in your life. I can’t even explain the hell you go through as ‘the other woman’. You actually spend you time chasing the AM/MM (Mine with his gf for 12 yrs so i say attached man), wanting their constant approval, apologising lots if you feel you’ve pushed them etcetc.

      It is NOT a life, this will be my 3rd Xmas alone, well 4th now, because i wasted 4 years almost believing the AM. It’s been horrific, I don’t live near family or many friends, he has it all, promised me the world and delivered nothing. as the same with you, I wasn’t allowed to date others….whilst he slept with his gf every night. Regardless of how interigllent and wordly I am, I stop talking to guys online last year (2.5 years in) because i thought this was him showing his love…how very stupid of me!

      Affairs with these men are about control only, they control their homelife and they control their relationship with us. You are so so blind at the time as it seems like a fairytale (yours has already started by you mentioning ‘we get on great’) – trust me…your MM will seem like your soulmate and best friend, I assure you he is not. MM shouldn’t be online prowling for omwne and controlling them when he hasn’t even met them. MM don’t cheat. MM should have respect. He doesn’t, my AM didn’t and nor did the ladies below MM.

      Read through as many as you can and make note of the narcissist website Sharon has mentioned, seems you’re already dealing with one!

      Talk to single men, there are thousands and many nice ones. I have started dating again and although I feel lost and odd, after 3 years of being alone, it’s nice to say I’m off out tonight on a 2nd date with a single (younger too!) man!.

      Please read my below post as well – I was signed off work for 3 weeks, sick with stress – because of the AM. I’m still going through shock stage but I’m ok – and finally, realising what an escape i had and the life wouldn’t have been as ‘amazing’ as I thought it would have been (and promised).

      So stop, please save yourself time and effort, it’s totally pointless! If you feel like writing to him, post here instead, we will respond as much as we can. Hugs X

      • Sharon says:

        Hi Kim and FW 😊 Kim, I pray you take to heart everything FW had to say. You’re at a crossroads right now in your life and I wished to God that I had someone telling me to shut it down right now and run like hell. Stopping all contact immediately. Kim, if it’s hard for you to truly believe what we’re saying right now, I totally get it. I will be the first to tell you … I understand completely, and the longer you allow yourself to stay with this MM, I promise you, you will fall farther into the denial trap. Kim, I guarantee you now is the time to end things because trying to get out later (you will want out eventually) will be the most heart wrenching, heart breaking, mind numbing, traumatic experience you may have ever had in your life.

        Kim, I know it’s not easy to walk away when he’s showering you with love and affection, but that is what’s called “The Golden Period”. After he knows he’s got you where he wants you (mentally – brainwashed) that’s when “The Devaluation period” begins. Both of those periods can last a short while or a long time, depending on how quickly you’re giving into “his” needs. Either way, the devaluation period happens for a much, much longer time, until one day when you feel the need to “escape” OR he “discards” you, which is what happened to me and happens to most of us. You can read what all of this is actually like from the narcissists perception when you start reading HG’s blog. It will be extremely overwhelming at first, but it will give you answers to questions you may find yourself asking, if you choose to stay with your married man.

        I pray to God you make the right choice “the choice of truth” because any other choice is going to take you straight into hell. Trust me!!!

        Sharon ~ XXX 😊

    • Liz says:

      The only advice I can give you…stay away. Period. If he’s on a dating site and married, that should be your first sign that he’s a creep.

      • Ms Fifty says:

        Agreed! Is so much more difficult the more time you invest. I am going on 18 years and our daughter will be 16 this summer! He is still married and mad right now at me because I’m giving the silent treatment. Please protect your hearts ladies…married men are quick to steal our hearts and leave us in ruins! God bless

  83. Forever Waiting says:

    Hi Sharon and all!

    I thought I’d say hello and thank you all as ever for your wonderful comments on breaking up with a married man. I’ve been meaning to write for a few weeks but mentally and emotionally I’ve struggled. I’m in a much better place now (time is a good healer, I’m in the ‘shock’ stage, not the shock of not being with him, but all the lies, manipulation and at some points nastiness to get what he wanted over the years….the pain and damage he has caused, I’m exhausted) as I know I can only move forward and slowly accepting things. It’ll take a lot longer, but I know I will get there as I HAVE to get there. Now it’s not even about HIM…I think like the stage Liz got too, you are better not hearing from him once you’ve got used to it, as when you do.

    It’s crazy when you think about it, if someone said to you ‘I love you but you’ll be spending every weekend alone without me for the next 200+, and I’ll be sleeping in bed next to my wife/gf and having family time with my kids, I won’t be with you for Xmas, New Year, Easter and all the bank holidays and my actual annual leave from work, I won’t be able to phone you and we’ll have to communicate secretly, you won’t be able to call unless I can speak and it’ll be quite obvious between 6pm and 10pm at the earliest I’m having dinner with my family, bathing the kids and being a partner and Dad – so don’t expect to hear from me then either, I can’t look after you when you’re ill unless its the hours I can see you (our routine) and everything else will come before you but I won’t admit it ‘ – Wouldn’t you say ‘no thanks I’d rather have NO ONE in my life?!’.

    The hard thing was and I read this somewhere about affairs…the married man is FAR more concerned about his friends finding out and their feelings than their mistresses! At first I didn’t believe it – but a year or so ago I saw this with my own eyes when one colleague (the guy/friend who pops over) left the works car park the same time as us and my ex AM went mad at me saying we were almost caught and he doesn’t want his friend to know he was lying to him for years!!

    As Sharon has said, 95% are Narcissists, it is really hard to read the blog at first, it shocked me. Now I’m just glad I know the truth and find it fascinating. And I’m so very very sorry I wasted 4 precious years with someone who pretended he would not treat me badly like ALL my exes….and in fact became the worst’person’ I’d ever been with.

    Sharon also warned me of the ‘process’ (lies) they are claiming to go through to leave – you’ve ALL heard it! WHY they can’t leave and what they are doing to leave. And in another section here, from Sharon…if married men wanted to leave they would, no ifs and no buts and no blaming the kids/money/business and so on.

    I’ve also been reading another website that calls the manipulation part as creating the Soulmate effect. Married men persuade you you’re their soulmate, and create this fake world…I will find the links soon and post them here! Made interesting reading as again…was my situation down to a T! AND…i reckon should I ever see my ex AM, he’ll still give me the same excuses etc but then tell me he loves me and I’m his soulmate. Utter claptrap and rubbish.

    XOXOX

    • Liz says:

      Wow, you just hit the nail on the head:

      I love you but you’ll be spending every weekend alone without me for the next 200+, and I’ll be sleeping in bed next to my wife/gf and having family time with my kids, I won’t be with you for Xmas, New Year, Easter and all the bank holidays and my actual annual leave from work, I won’t be able to phone you and we’ll have to communicate secretly, you won’t be able to call unless I can speak and it’ll be quite obvious between 6pm and 10pm at the earliest I’m having dinner with my family, bathing the kids and being a partner and Dad – so don’t expect to hear from me then either, I can’t look after you when you’re ill unless its the hours I can see you (our routine) and everything else will come before you but I won’t admit it ‘ – Wouldn’t you say ‘no thanks I’d rather have NO ONE in my life?!’.

      YOU ARE SO RIGHT. I know how every woman on this site feels. It took me 7 attempts to leave my ex-MM before I had finally had enough and had the courage to leave. It was awful. I had sleepless nights, was depressed, cried myself to sleep, couldn’t eat, and felt like I would rather die. But once you block this person from your life (and this is truly the ONLY way you will ever be able to move on), you will start to heal and become whole again. Are there times I miss him? I won’t lie…yes. But I would rather be on my own and have the possibility of meeting someone who is devoted to me, than stay with a married man who doesn’t have what it takes to give me the life I deserve.

      I promise to everyone on this site, you will move on if you allow yourself to.

    • Seed says:

      Energy flows where attention goes!He is not even worth your anger!let it go and be kind to yourself!self love means you deliberately choose emotions that are healthy for you only!this time it’s all about you my dear friend!love you the way you neede d to be loved!love yourself so hard you can’t get angry because of anything ,that also means you have forgiven yourself!all the best

  84. deb says:

    HI! I am new here and involved with a married man, but hopefully not longer. He was the love of my life 25 years ago. We saw each other briefly 10ish years ago. Not really a lot to say about that. He was going through a divorce at the time. I contacted him (I was married, ready to file for divorce), we met and I told him I didn’t want to see him again because I needed to figure out my own life. I filed for divorce and contacted him about 6 months later. He had moved on and married. Fast forward to now. He found me on LinkedIn 1 year ago and it quickly turned into an affair. We live about 2 hours apart and don’t see each other much at all. We talk everyday. I am sure you’ve all been here before. He is miserable in his 2nd marriage; won’t leave just yet because of their son, financial reasons, etc., but he will in time. So he says. He sends gifts, loves me to pieces, can’t wait until this is all behind us, can’t wait until we can be together and not have to hide, etc. And in about 2 weeks it all has changed. Like night and day. He says nothing has changed. I sense a distance, his words seem to lack any emotion, and he has avoided conversation about his wife. In fact, he doesn’t even complain about her lately. My married man has a daughter from a previous marriage and she decided she wanted to live with her mom full time because she doesn’t like to be at mm home due to her not liking his wife. I guess I don’t what to think. I love him dearly, and always have. But he is suddenly cold the last few weeks and canceled getting together this week due to his boss scheduling a meeting he can’t get out of. Again, we live 2 hours apart and I haven’t seen him since Sept. I don’t know how to walk away. I just know I need to.. Thank you so much for reading. I’m struggling so much.

    • Liz says:

      Deb,

      Love yourself first. I know this is ‘easier said than done’ in your mind, but I have been where you are. If you continue this, it will be very difficult to dig yourself out. Remember that you deserve more and cut this man out of your life. No good will ever come from it. Only hurt, pain, anger, and regret. Any man who truly loves a woman, will not put her in this position. And if for some reason things happened a certain way, and two people fell in love under circumstances that were not ideal, he would choose to leave or would tell you to move on with his life if he couldn’t. Love is putting the person who you love needs before your own. There is a trend here with all of these men. They seem to have the same qualities. Please visit narcsite.wordpress.com. I thought it was nonsense at first, but once you start to read articles and see the similarities, you will be forced not to acknowledge who your MM really is.

      • Deb says:

        Thank you so much for the reply. It means a lot. Of course we all know this and IS easier said than done but best to walk away. We ended things 2 weeks ago. However, he contacted me again yesterday to tell me he was changing jobs, said he missed me, sad that the holidays are here and we won’t see each other, etc. then ended the email with, no need to reply, just know you’re always on my mind. I was doing ok actually until this. Why? Why contact me? Ok, you got a new job and I was aware it could happen but we decided to end things until he could figure out his life! Ugh, what the F?

      • Liz says:

        Deb,

        My ex-married man did this to me ALL the time. He would send me text messages that he knew would pull at my heart strings. Then he would end with “please don’t reply”. Of course I would, and the cycle would start again. It was only until this past August where I had finally had enough and blocked him from my phone, that I began to see a different side of him. He started to email me, and I didn’t respond. When I didn’t respond, his emails got nasty. It was a side of him that I never saw before. What happened to this caring, loving person, who I felt was my ‘soulmate’? His true colours came through, and I was beginning to see him for who he truly is…a narcissist. That’s the things with narcissists, they are so good at wearing a mask, and convincing people that they are someone who they are not. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would I have ever believed my ex-married man was a narcissist, but when you start to read of similarities between your married man and others, and then read about who and what narcissists are, it’s almost impossible to deny the truth.

        If this man really loved you, wouldn’t he want what’s best for you and let you move on with your life? Instead he’s selfish and sends you a message because he knows you will start to think about him. You don’t need that. You are so much better than that. I hope you find the courage in you to block this man from your life and open yourself up to the potential of meeting someone who will be available to you, and will treat you like how you should be treated.

      • Sharon says:

        Deb, please take Liz’s advice. She knows what she’s talking about and if it wasn’t true, she wouldn’t be wasting her time staying on this site to help other women like yourself. A few of us have vowed to help women just like you to see these MM for who they truly are, but the bottom line is, YOU have to decide that your life is more valuable than him. He will do whatever it takes to keep you in his web and the only thing that comes from being entangled in anyone’s web is death to your soul. Please, PLEASE, read the narcissist website and do so with an open mind. The things you’ll learn there are extremely overwhelming, yet powerful. I’ll be honest, no, it won’t take all of your misery and pain away, but AT LEAST you’ll have answers to everything you’re questioning. It will help to set you on a different course, a course to freedom and that’s what you need right now to see things more clearly. He has manipulated (brainwashed) you into believing every single lie he’s told and it will only get worse with time. The few of us who have read this website never, EVER, wanted to believe this was who our married men were, hell sometimes I still find myself questioning if it’s true, but that’s only during my down times. When I’m feeling up, which is most of the time now (9 mos. after being discarded), I know for a fact that my MM and everyone else’s on this site are Narcissists.

        Go to Amazon and download some of HG’s books (all under $5, US):

        Manipulated
        Sitting Target: How and Why the Narcissist Chooses You
        No Contact: How to Beat the Narcissist
        Black Flag: Fifty Signs of Abuse
        Devil’s Toolkit
        Fuel

        There are so many others, but these are a good starting place. Again, his website has daily posts that are free, but can be overwhelming at first if you don’t find something right away that rings true for you. Give it a fair chance though, your life depends on it.

        Best of Luck to you, Deb … you can do this!!!

        Sharon ~ 🙂

      • Deb says:

        Thank you, Sharon, for responding. It is helpful to hear from other women going through or that have gone through the same thing. I just feel like a complete idiot. After hearing from my MM after 2 weeks of no contact, I of course started communicating with him. He told me how much he missed me and loved me. He said everything he has told me in the last year was the truth. I told him it was just a text book affair and that I didn’t know if I was believing lies or truths. He said he wanted to continue talking, seeing me (we hardly even saw each other). He is like a different person; distant and aloof since we have been talking again. I am not clear why the change. I feel it is on me. I was the one who thought we should end it a few weeks ago, he agreed. And here he is being all different. Is this normal? I need to get out of this. I barely heard from him over the weekend (very unusual compared to before). How do we fall for this? Is there no truth to what they tell us? I have a hard time believing there isn’t. I feel the same; I can’t imagine he is a narcissist, but I will go to Amazon and read what you suggested. I have to get over this and I have to find the strength to do so. I know he is going to respond to my email and I feel so weak. Thank you, Sharon and Liz, for responding. It means a lot!!

  85. Cha82 says:

    Hi Ladies,
    I am new to this site and never posted before but reading your messages gives me hope.
    I have been with a mm for over two years and whilst it’s passionate and loving it’s heavily interspersed with fights and silences. These silences usually involve me moping around my phone like a teenager waiting for him to write. In the time I have been with him I have neglected my own self-worth and also my job which I completely love!! I think what I’m trying to say is that I can’t do it with him anymore. ladies why do we find these relationships so intoxicating and give so much of ourselves and our loyalty to a man that not only does not deserve it but also probably doesn’t have much concept of it!!
    I really want to move on now but whilst I read a lot about what to do after a break up, the self care, movie nights in your living room and generally making yourself a priority again it’s hard to share what you are going through. I can’t confide in anyone because people would be shocked and I think they would also be quite judgemental. How have people here practiced the essential self care we need to recover from these awful situations?
    I have to walk away this time because now I’m starting to feel like a fool, I’m not saying Im blameless in the fights we have but I am making this guy a huge priority in my life instead of my own self worth being my priority.
    Hugs to all

    • Sharon says:

      Hi Cha82. You’ve come to the right place. The only way you can begin self-care is by removing the married man from your life. I know how easy it is to say that, but how extremely difficult it is to do. I think the first step is to start educating yourself on why and how it is you really got attached to him. I don’t think it’s as clear and obvious as most of us thought. Cha82, have you read any of the links I’ve posted throughout the last few months? I don’t think it’s unusual that you’ve endured many arguments and silences. It’s a pattern with all of us who have been attached to a married man. I’m reading another book right now from HG Tudor called “Sitting Target: How and Wht the Narcissist Chooses You”. You can purchase it from Amazon for $5 (U.S). He’s authored approx. 50 other books, all under $5. I know how it feels in the beginning to not want to believe your MM is anything but the best thing that ever happened to you. I know you sincerely believe he’s the love of your life, but if you’re truly ready to end the rollercoaster ride you’re on start with reading the overwhelming, but intriguing and alarming (creepy) things the admitted narcissist has to tell those of us who are Super Empaths, Empaths and Co-dependents. If you have endured any type of abuse in your past, it’s quite possible it was inflicted by a Narcissist and you just happen to attract them. We need to learn how to stop attracting them and it’s so crucial to do so.

      Cha82, you deserve to be happy and now is the time to start learning how. Even if it means having to be on your own for awhile. You need to learn how to love yourself just as I have had to. I’m 52 and finally figuring out why I’ve attracted child-like men, as well as other dysfunctionals, into my life.

      It’s not going to be easy for you at first. In fact, it will be traumatic, but stay strong because the pain does subside. I won’t promise your confusion and love will subside right away, but the pain does. Seek therapy if you haven’t already, but it’s important that you find someone who understands narcissistic abuse.

      Get “The No Contact Rule” and learn why it’s so important that you put that in place when your truly ready to end his charade, his fantasy. I’m not sure where your feelings are at right now, but I will say, wh n I first started reading this site, I thought, “my relationship isn’t like the rest of these”, “my relationship is different, unique, rare”. I knew the ex-MN in my life 10 years prior to anything happening, but after learning all I have, I now know I was targeted from the moment he saw me. I know now that I didn’t stand a chance. I know it was not my fault and you should not be blaming yourself either. These men are masters at what they do and we all need to know how to stop them at their own games.

      Good luck to you and email me if you’d like.

      • Secret girl says:

        I accidentally found site and the comments on how to end a relationship with a married man. I am 38 years old im married but my husband is gay thou he is in denying it to me all the time. I have been in a 3 yrs relationship with a mm and he happens to be my officemate. Our 3 years together is exciting and electrifying but lately we have lots of fights he is blaming me that even the smallest things is already a big issue to me. I want to explain to him that i want to be treated the way i deserved and that small things for him is already huge thing for me and we always end fighting before he will talk to me and get things fixed but now he is ignoring me and letting me the one to do a way to patch things up with him. If i will not talk to him i think thats the end of us. He told me he is tired of me being so childish and immature when i already gave my all, everything to him but still i am the bad person everytime we have fights. His wife is working in japan as prostitute/entertainer if he really loves her why is he allowing her to work like that and then have a relationship with me. I am taking good carw of them. I always accompanying her mom to all her check ups and buy all medicines for her. I take care of his children needs and all of his needs but i dont think he appreciates it. He is not showering me with enough respect and attention. He always calls me crazy every fight we have. I love him so much but last dec 26 we had a major fight which i told him i will talk to his wife ( thou i will not do that, just want to get equal because of all the nasty things he told me) he was very angry and shouted every hurtful words he can throw to me like don’t you dare, you don’t know the implications of what you just told me, this will be the last time that you can bother me etc etc. then i told him i will not do that its just i want to get even with him and not serious about what i told him but he is mad so mad that i told him ok do you want us to separate now? But he cant answer me straight. If he is that mad he should have ket me go, if he thinks im crazy then he should have let me go but he didnt. He told me i should have to talk to him if he is not mad at all. He wants me to be the one to approach him after all. If i will not do a move he will not talk to me anymore and ignore me. His wife is here and will stay until jan 27, he told me during our fight that he cant speak to me in a low tone of voice because he is very angry with me. And i think he will not do any way to contact me at all he will ignore me and will not talk to me unless i am the one to go and make a move to talk to him. I am the one paying for his kids tuition fee, their groceries and all and i have nothing left for me. I buy everything they need. But in the end he does not appreciate what i am doing and just disrespect me. I love him so much but i am loosing my self in the process of loving him. What should i do. I have no one to talk to. Please sharon. I am so depress and lonely. I miss him but on other side of me i want to move on from this. He is not doing any effort to communicate because his wife is here and he is mad. I am nothing to him. I am so hurt like hell. I dont know what to do i want to be far far away from him but he is my officemate and will see him atleast 4x a week. And i get attached to his family. I am so hopeless. I have no friends to talk to. I pity myself.

    • Rhea says:

      The uncertainty is what was killing me. I would wait for him to text or call. I was a fool, an idiot. After almost a year, he ended it with me with a simple “take care of yourself” what a coward!!!! Then he didn’t contact me at all. After 2 months I pursued him and we ended up in bed. My feelings for him were all still there. He told me he wants to work on his marriage but is on a dating site and I found out he’s seeing other women. I am stupid and showed myself no respect for allowing a mm to treat me that way. You know what true revenge is??? Success!!! That’s right. I will walk away and I will work on fixing my own marriage and filling the holes in my life that I longed for him to fill. And I will be well while that coward who I made love to over 100 times, continues to lie and cheat.

  86. Andy says:

    Oh I am finally MM free since early Sept. It was so unmemorable the date that I decided to never talk to him again that I didn’t even mark it down. I remember exactly what the conversation was, that he was an idiot and that he was going to ruin my life for his own stupidity. I put that phone down, I got angry that he was a moron, wondered what I was thinking. We took a break from Feb to June and started back up again. The second time I think was a good thing for me, I had missed him, I wanted to talk to him, be close to him. The second time around I really started looking at him from outside of the bubble and it was getting less and less attractive to me. He looks me up on LinkedIn and I think its funny. Good riddance. I don’t know what it will take to get you there but one day you will. You will think about what he is saying and how selfish it sounds and decide enough is enough.

    • Sharon says:

      Andy, I am so happy that your experience of breaking things off with your MM went so smoothly, according to what you said. Unfortunately, for many of us, it’s not as easy to do. Many of us have tried many times to break things off and don’t succeed at first, second, 3rd, 4th or even 5th time tries and the reason is because there’s an addiction that has to be broken through education and extreme help (therapy and prayers). Many of us have gone through a form of PTSD because the addiction is so strong. I’ve read that it can take up to 7 attempts at leaving an abusive relationship, which is exactly what we’re dealing with when being involved with a MM. Any one of us who’s been involved with a MM have been emotionally, psychologically and spiritually (sometimes verbally and physically) abused. It’s not an easy web to become untangled from, however it can be done, and again, I’m so happy you were one of the lucky ones to escape with ease.

      Good luck to your continued success!

      Sharon ~ 🙂

      • Andy says:

        Hi Sharon, when I feel nostalgic, I come back to read my comments. He and I work together and run into each other very rarely but we do. In one way, I am very happy to be done with his back and forth crap. I think for me it was that he made me angry so it was easier to end but anger fades and nostalgia starts to creep in. I do miss the daily talks and he hugged me everyday. He frequently took me out to eat, would buy me little expensive chocolates, spent thousands on us, would help me with my homework. It feels so weird to share so much with someone and then look at them passing in the hallway like a stranger. So then I start thinking of him, the good things about him and then have to come back here and remind myself that he never cared for me. He only cared for me as long as I was in his safety bubble of narcissism, those little gifts were in his safety net of not getting financially caught, he did the max he could to keep me nearby, interested, romanced, somehow that made him feel like the macho man. Time and distance is really the only thing any of these women can hope for. Time to focus on something else, distance to fade the gold halo we would see every time we looked at these men. Now the image dulls, the butterflies in my tummy have faded. I too look back on those evenings where he left me teary eyed with a glass of wine in my hand, it was almost as if he loved that I felt that way. I am sorry to read so many women are still going through this on top of the new ones being sucked into it daily. Its been 4 months and no contact, even though we have seen each other twice in the hallways. Staying strong is sometimes a daily feat!

  87. A Barb says:

    I’m currently in the process of breaking it off with my MM. He’s making it easy but it hurts deeply.
    I say he’s making it easy because I feel I need him right now but he, of course, isn’t available. He doesn’t get the simplest things I try to get through to him in my time of need so it’s now just a dead end street. I’ve expressed to him that I’m done but he’s playing the victim when I’m in need of his support through a very difficult time of my life. He knows my life, my lacks, my frustrations, my downfalls… And now my life is upside down and I strongly feel I need him by my side through this, at his convenience of course, is still not possible. I’m beginning to think this is what he wants, for us to be over. But he pulls me in right when I feel strong enough to move on. This time I’m fighting with everything, every prayer, every blog post, every woman who has or is in the same situation. I simply ask for help and guidance on this unfamiliar quest.

    So please, if anyone has advice or any bit of guidance, please contact me via email. I would like an army of strength helping me overcome this toxic situation. It truly hurts to continue but it’s also hard to quit cold turkey.

    • Sharon says:

      Barb, I promise you, you’ll slowly start to find the answers you’re going to need to get through this extremely traumatic time. Maybe your prayers are being answered by finding this site and now it’s up to you to decide if you’re truly ready to see your entire relationship with the married man from a completely different perspective. My married man did the exact thing to me in the end. He acted like everything I said didn’t make sense and he’d say he was getting more and more frustrated. That was his way of not having to answer any of my questions. Barb, you’re going to be okay, but you have to start by educating yourself as to who it is you could be entangled with.

      It’s time to start taking care of yourself and there are a few of us here (myself, Liz, Forever Waiting & LittleFrenchie) who are wanting and willing to help you. It’s time to fight for your life back.

      Sharon ~ XO 😊

      • A Barb says:

        Thank you Sharon. I will be checking out those links. I do love Baggage Reclaimed site. Have been referring to it for sometime now.

      • A Barb says:

        Also, I did read the link about the narcissist… It was a little unclear to me but some did make prefect sense.

      • Sharon says:

        Barb, I know reading that Narc website is extremely overwhelming at first, but please just keep reading. There are times still for me today (8 mos. after discard) when I think, “is he really a narcissist”, but then I can’t deny everything he’s done to me, and his wife. It went on for nearly 5 years and it would still be going today had I not said to myself on day one after being given the silent treatment (a Narcs #1 weapon), “two can play at this game “! Trust me, it hurt like I was dying, and I won’t lie, a couple of times, I wanted to die, but luckily for me, my spirit and personality wouldn’t let my soul die so easily. If there is one thing I can say I’m grateful for today, its that I never again made contact with that creature I will probably always have a love for. Just keeping it real.

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      Barb,

      We are a few to be in the same process as what you wish to start. For some longer than others, but the only thing I want to tell you (and I broke up with my MM 3 weeks ago), you will be ok, I promise you will. The first days are horrible, and then you will slowly and day by day learn to be yourself again. One thing I have seen by talking to Sharon, Liz and Foreverwaiting is that we were all becoming different people than who we really are. Leaving and getting your life back will be the best decision you can make. I miss my MM but I am somehow happier without him, getting some self respect back and learning to be with people who truly want to spend time with me and not only 9 to 11 type of time. We are here for you and you will be ok. Time heals, just trust yourself, time and surround yourself with people who are going through the same path as you, I did and those women are the best thing which happen to me in a long time.

      @Sharon, I will answer your email! I have been quite busy (good for the mind), but I am planning on letting you know more of my own Journey

      • A Barb says:

        Thank you very much, LittleFrenchie. I really appreciate the guidance and advice. Good luck to you on meeting that special someone who’s just for you. I know I will be ok. I just have to keep moving, one foot in front of the other… One day at a time

    • Liz says:

      Hi Barb,

      I know all too well what you are going through. I think most women on this site could understand your position. The first thing I will say is that it’s normal to feel the way you do. It feels impossible to leave your MM, and even when you find the strength to do it, you feel yourself being sucked back in. Don’t be hard on yourself if this has happened. It is not easy to walk away from someone who you love – even if they are not treating you how they should.

      My ex-MM did to me exactly what your MM is doing to you. He constantly played the victim and sucked me back in whenever I tried to leave. I found out something bad news about someone who is very close to me a week before I finally left him. I remember calling him one night and asked him if he could come over. Of course he couldn’t. It was this that was the turning point for me. I had had enough. I knew that if a man claimed to love me as much as he did, he would not let me be alone when I was going through one of the most difficult things in my life. I think if you set even one goal for yourself right now, try to focus on you and believing that you deserve more.

      Please, please, please, read the links that Sharon has provided. If it were not for me reading these links, I truly believe that I would not have left my ex-MM. It was only when I realized who he is, that I found the strength not just to leave, but to to implement NO CONTACT. This has been one of the hardest things have ever done. Some days I could not get out of bed, felt physically ill, took days off of work, cried, and just slept. Those days were terrible and I would not wish it on anyone. BUT, it does begin to get easier. You have to let yourself grieve the loss of the relationship, and possibly the loss of losing the person who you thought he was. Then, as long as you are not in contact with him, you will begin to heal and get your life back.

      Believe me when I say this, no man who truly loved you would stay married if he found the love of his life elsewhere. Not finances, circumstances, and yes, even his child(ren), would not keep him away from you. And if something did stand in the way of him being with you, he would let you go if he truly loved you because he would realize that you deserve more — and he would want what is best for you!!

      I truly hope Barb that you can begin to move past this. You are worth so much more than this. If I could have escaped my ex-MM, then anyone else can too. I loved my ex-MM more than anything in this world. It seems impossible, but if you begin to see the truth, you can do it.

      Liz 🙂

      • Sharon says:

        Liz, your words were beautiful and right on point. It’s amazing how far we’ve come and how important it is for us to help other women, like Barb. Reading your words are a great reminder for me on days when “he” is in my head way too much.

        Thank you for being you, and I just have to say, those creatures lost some damn good women.

        Barb, I hope you let us help you through this part of your journey. When I can help others out of the same dark pit I was in, then I feel as though the pain and agony of getting out was worth it. I truly believe you did not find this site by accident. You begged to see the light and asked for the truth and you’ll find exactly that right here. As hard as it will be for you to see and hear, it’s the only thing that will set you free. Please start your life again now!

        Sharon ~ 😊💕

  88. Sharon says:

    If any of you have read my posts in regard to the narcissist website then you’ll know that I sincerely believe many of the married men we’re entangled with are full blown narcissists. THIS IS A MUST READ, not just if you believe it too, but because we all need to realize what we’re putting out for the world to see and how it’s attracting the wrong kind of people into our lives, especially the narcissists. I can take a wild guess and say that at least 95% of you on this site are empathic and you’ve been exploited and manipulated. I know, chances are, many of you don’t think the narcissist applies to you or your relationship (I was there … I know how you feel), but PLEASE just read the link below because it may just save you many years of unnecessary heartache and deep (usually incurable) pain.

    I’ve often wondered (throughout my life) why it was that I attracted so many negative people into my life; and now, I know why. I was so in awe with what I read and I deeply felt the need to share it here.

  89. LittleFrenchie says:

    Hello Tiff,

    I am right in there, I feel you. Reading every one posts I think you can feel how we all feel the same. We gave it all and feel like we just end up with a big hole in the heart. Right now I have just broken up but we still speak, which, doesn’t help and at the same time makes me feel like he maybe cares and it was not all a big lie… We are here for you..Right here. I feel hurt and empty and used, like I wasted 8 months of my love and energy..Funny enough, I called an ex colleague who lives in Germany who I haven’t talked to in months, ended up letting her know about my MM. and she broke up with her MM 3 weeks ago. Never thought she would have been in there, and she never thought I would. I think we are much more in this situation than we thought we would..

  90. LittleFrenchie says:

    Good Morning, Liz, Sharon, Forever Waiting, Anne,

    I really find comfort and reality here. Since yesterday I keep reading your posts. I have realized that all I have believed in since February is all lies. No we are not special, meant to be. Of course I thought it was different, like many, but at least now I feel less alone. I am a fool and I feel like an idiot.

    I have read the blog of the narcissist. And I think he is one.
    1. we started talking in February last year, in London. He always said he knew who I was even if I did not and he has a plan to approach me. I always thought it was cute and romantic, like a quest. It was not, I guess I was a pray.
    2. Each time we talk about something he doesn’t like, he gives me the silence treatment. If I am not all sweet and soft and loving, silence. If I am not ok and having a hard time, silence. He doesn’t ask how I am. And because I want affection so much, I go back and I apologize for being off. Why should I apologize if I am sad ? I haven’t done anything wrong…
    3.He never apologizes or feels bad about anything. Well he says he does, but they are no actions to prove it. He blames everything on the distance, and he is an non emotional person because of the Dutch culture and we are different and I am soooo emotional.

    I must say, reading the blog of Mr. Narcissist is a hard thing to do. I feel like an idiot. I am usually confident, and since I met him, I feel so unworthy that I am losing all my confidence and becoming needy, demanding, someone I never was. Any form of attention from him becomes what I want the most. But all I get are crumbs. I don’t know if I hit the day where I can move on, but I see myself on that path.

    When I want to write him, I read your posts and it helps me. I feel if you can do it, I can too. I may just be at the beginning of my journey, but I want to get through it. I have never been treated as badly by any man before in my life.

    I have my ticket for Dubai, for next Friday. I have asked him to reimburse me half of it. He said he would when I booked, but still nothing. So I have asked again today. I am thinking of not going there and not tell him, and he will be there, waiting at the airport like an idiot and having his holidays alone for 5 days.

    He just texted and said “No, I haven’t done the bank transfer. That email p*ssed me off big time last weekend by the way”. Typical, I am the bad person for asking half my money back..

    Anyways, I hope I can go through the day. I don’t wish him happiness anymore.

    I hope you are all doing well, thank you for your posts and helping other women going through this. Your experiences give me strength, and If you can do it, I can do it as well.

    Have a nice, I hope you are all well. xx from France
    (My previous post was not accepted, would you know what can block a post ?)

    • Sharon says:

      Liz, Forever Waiting & LittleFrenchie, I responded to each of your emails, but am not sure if you’ve received them. If you wouldn’t mind, please let me know if you got them, so I know the emails are being delivered.

      Sharon ~ 🙂

      • Forever Waiting says:

        Hi Sharon, yes I did thank you so much and I also replied a few times with photos too. Have I think added you to facebook. Forever Waiting (not anymore!) x

      • LittleFrenchie says:

        Hello Sharon,

        I did and replied to you already. Gosh I need you today, all of you. We are done and over and I want it to be this way. It breaks my heart, but I need to get my freedom back and stop being at the mercy of his love, was there ever any.

        I hope you are all doing this. I keep reading your posts and email (Sharon thank you), it is helping every hour that goes when I don’t want to go back.

        I must say that I blocked him, but sometimes I go back and unblock him to see when he last connected. I am wondering if he is hurt or if he feels better that it is over…I know we need to let go of knowing we will never really know what they thought.

        Lots of hugs.

      • Tiff says:

        I feel sane finally, after reading this post……I can’t cope physically pr mentally anymore with the rollercoaster that is my ‘fake’ relationship with my married bf…

        Right now I plan on never texting calling etc or picking up to him. I am crying because I love him like Ive loved nobody else-but I know he will never leave his wife. He has a 5 yr old daughter so it just wont happen.

        My insides are heavy and aching. I feel emorionally drained and heartbroken.

        I hope i feel better soon…….

        I just want to forget him, to stop this pain. I dont want the memories forever….it hurts me too much

      • Liz says:

        Little Frenchie,

        I do the same thing! It’s natural. I have my ex-Married Man blocked, but sometimes unblock him so to see if he has is last online status shown. But, day by day I am less curious to know. Just keep strong and make sure you keep him blocked.

        Try and remember that you deserve better. If a man truly loved you, he wouldn’t put you through this!!

        Liz

      • Sharon says:

        Tiff and Littlefrenchie,

        I was originally sending this message to Tiff, but thought that it might benefit you as well, Littlefrenchie. Also, Littlefrenchie, please consider this my response to your email. I don’t have a lot of time, but I definitely want to make sure I’m helping when I can.

        First, I want to be honest with you. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been with this man for 3 months or 10 years, if you have been dealing with a narcissist, you need to start by being patient with yourself right now. It will take a long while to truly feel like yourself again, BUT, you will certainly feel better than you do right now with each passing day. In the beginning; cry, scream, pray, throw up, eat, don’t eat, do what you need to to grieve this moment in time. You have to grieve because it’s like a death, but even worse because he’s still here. Tiff, just in your description of how your feeling tells me you need to get away from him right now. He has brought you down to a place where you no longer feel like you can get up. But the truth is, you can. You can because that’s who you are. It’s who you’ve probably always been and that’s why he came after you. You had everything he wanted, but he wasn’t after what you were giving him. He was after something more sinister and wrong and he lured you into his fantasy just like all the other married men on this site.

        If he truly loved you, he would have left his wife immediately, no questions asked. Nope, not even his 5 year old daughter could’ve stopped him from wanting true peace, happiness and love in his life. All the things I know damn well you promised him and he promised you in return. My ex-MN had a 19 year old son at the time and he told me he needed to get his son through college before he could make a move. He said he didn’t want to cause chaos in his son’s life at a time when he needed to be focusing on his education. Made perfect sense to me. So I waited. I wait 4 years all the while making plans on when we could finally start seeing each other in public, or what kind of ring I wanted and where our wedding would be . We talked about where we’d live and how we would come home to each other every night and always have love to give to one another. We constantly talked about growing old together and our lives and marriage would be the envy of everyone around us. Well, as you probably know, that didn’t happen. None of it happened. It was all a lie to him. It was all words and no action because he never intended on taking action. All that happened was his son finally graduated and then it was some other obstacle or barrier coming between us. Needless to say, the last year of the 4.75 year together, I finally started putting my foot down and gave him a deadline and 3 days before the deadline, he stopped all contact with me. He threw me to the gutter like trash even though he professed his deep, undying love for me the night before. So when I read your words of heartache and pain, I knew I needed to tell you, GO EASY ON YOURSELF and absolutely cut all contact with him. Be aware though, all of our situations are different and sometimes the married man will come begging you back (hoovering) immediately or like in most cases, they give you the silent treatment for however long they feel like it. If you, right now, at this minute, take back your control, you will be taking it away from him. Then, and only then, will you start healing.

        You have to decide once and for all that what he’s had you doing is NOT okay. You’re better than that, just as we all are. I know you love him! Boy, do I know. But he doesn’t love you because if he did you wouldn’t be feeling this way, not now and not ever. And you most certainly wouldn’t be searching for answers on the Internet like I did for so long. A real man, in real love would not cause the kind of heartache and pain we have all felt.

        Please seriously consider taking this advice from me. I know everyone has to do this in their own way and in their own time, but a few things I would like you to focus on when you’re ready, and even if it’s one thing at a time, start getting rid of everything truly meaningful that he gave you (letters, cd’s, clothes, pictures, texts, voice mails, emails, jewelry, etc.). After the first 3-4 weeks, I started by getting rid of (meaning throwing them away with the dog crap) his toothbrush and hairbrush (I kept the hairspray :), a week or so later I got rid of all his t-shirts and pajama bottoms. After that I got rid of the music cd’s he gave me and little by little started deleting all pictures and videos I had of him, all that led me to pawning the necklaces he gave me (I should get something for them. Oh, and I did keep the chains, just got rid of the pendants) and now, 7 months later I’m painting my bedroom walls from the blue he liked to the yellow I like. I know at this time, all of this sounds like an impossibility to do and I won’t lie it hurts like he** to even think about getting rid of everything, but I will say, and I absolutely promise you, when you’re ready to do it, you will literally feel just a little more liberated and free. It’s not a huge feeling, but I guarantee you will feel it. As I said, take care of you, start all no contact now and start to purge him from your life at your pace. Speaking of purging, I remember when I was where you are now, I would literally gag as if I was going to puke, but nothing came out physically. What did come out of me though, and I could feel it very clearly, was evil. I literally felt like I was purging evil from my soul each time I would gag. That might be too much info, sorry, but the truth is the truth.

        And last, DO NOT fault yourself. This is not your fault and this is not his wife’s fault. This is his fault and he will never take responsibility for what he’s done to you. The best thing you can do now is to love yourself, the way you loved him. It won’t be easy at first, but you can take this entire experience and grow from it in a pretty powerful way. I’m barely starting to see that light now and I really REALLY want each of you to see it again too.

        Take care and love yourself first,
        Sharon ~ 🙂

      • Liz says:

        Sharon,

        You couldn’t have said it any better! Tiff, everything she said is spot on. It is so hard to even contemplate cutting off all contact, but it eventually needs to be done. It took me 7 times to actually be able to do this (the exact number you stated, Sharon!). When I finally did do it, I was so drained from the highs and lows of the relationship, the absolute roller coaster that he put me through, that I actually got to a place where I was a bit distant when I last spoke to him. I had said the same things to him so many times, that it was almost starting to lose its meaning. I know you think that you cannot do this, but YOU CAN!!! Believe me, there were days (I counted over 2 weeks in total) in the past year, that I was so distraught and literally did not get out of bed, other than to use the washroom. I did not eat, shower, or speak to anybody. I remember thinking that I would rather die than feel the feeling that I felt. But I promise you, if you open yourself up to the possibility of learning who your married man actually is, you will begin to move forward. As much as they say they love you, no man who truly loved a woman would put her through hell like this. Not a shot in hell!

        Like Sharon said, visit HG’s site and just be open to reading some of his articles. I did that, and I began to see a lot of similarities between my ex-MM and a narcissist. It was shocking, scary, and unbelievable at first. But, you cannot deny it when other people have had similar experiences, and when behaviour patterns are predictable. Maybe there is a chance that your married man isn’t a narcissist, but based on what we’ve all been through on here, I doubt it.

        I hope everyone on here can find peace in their lives once again. When you’re in the right relationship, although it can be challenging and hard work, the relationship makes you a better person, and it should bring out the best in you. Just remember that you deserve more. We all teach people how to treat us, and don’t let him treat you like his doormat. You’re worth so much more than that!

      • Sharon says:

        Liz, simply said, I wish I could give you a hug! I love, love, love reading where you are at this point in time. It gives me the chills knowing that I’ve had a part in helping you. I know you’re going to make it and I love knowing that!

        Sharon ~ 🙂

      • liz says:

        It’s true though, Sharon. If it were not for you, I would not be where I am with this today. It definitely has not been an easy road, and sometimes I still want to cry and stay in bed, but at least I have now seen him for who he truly is. I hope everyone else will take your advice and visit the sites and articles that you have posted!
        Liz

  91. Forever Waiting says:

    Hi Liz, Sharon and all,

    Thanks for everyones input on this webpage, I can’t tell you how much it’s keeping me strong. I’ve been up and down, some days feeling OK, other nights going to bed feeling lost and lonely, but probably no worse than all the time I was with my AM. I took myself off the dating website to give myself a break, but did see my date after 2 weeks on Saturday night and again we stayed up until the early hours and had a lovely time. Again, wow….a Saturday night with a guy! I forgot how lonely my weekends were and how sad it was me actually looking forward to a Monday morning!.

    Liz – it’s incredible……when I read your and Sharons posts, it’s like I could be writing them. In fact, I have thought, if we all swapped lives with each other whilst seeing our MM/AM….these men would be all so so similar we probably feel like we know them!

    I can and can’t believe your MM contacted you after 6 weeks and 1 day….wow what took him so long?!. And what he said…is EXACTLY what my AM said to me when I cut off from him for a few weeks a couple of months ago….that he was in a place I’d never know, things had changed but he wasn’t going to go into it!. I thought OMG…he’d has moved out of his place…but then I realised he meant in his mind…there were no changes, he still couldn’t leave, or wouldn’t. I’ve seen him once properly in almost 3 months now…which helps too.

    Anyway, well done you for staying strong…I totally understand the heart beating thing and not being able to open texts, I was the same although it was me contacting him. You can pretty much predict what they’ll say…about you blocking numbers…it’s your fault…he has made changes but won’t bore you….I bet that’s what every MM/AM would say to their bits on the side, exactly like mine did. I can guarantee, if I hear from my AM, he’ll say the same thing!. Last time he said he felt so empty, lost his other half, lost an arm…that’s odd…because he didn’t act like it! He said ‘well you’ve proved your feelings by cutting off and I was really hurt’ – wowzers….what does he expect me to do after 3.5 years…he still sleeps next to his gf and i’m not a part of his life…lets not talk about feeling hurt as I win hands down!!.

    Last week, I was made redundant, I still work with some of the AM friends who hang out here too once a week which is a great, as fills the days the AM used to be here, but it’s been hard, as my AM used to be on my project and was let go himself….I’d have loved to have ranted and got his support as he is so good at that (aren’t they all!). After many sleepless nights, feeling horrendous, I was really good and didn’t contact him (yes I keep checking my email but at least didn’t reach out!). I turned down a big payout 6 months ago as he still worked there…this has all gone SO SO wrong…I’ve no pay out of job now! And, today, I had to phone the fertility clinic to cancel our IVF planning….something we’ve been going through for over 2 years. I’m infertile and 38, this started at 34…even more reason to utterly dislike him!. It broke my heart, I have suspended it like I’ve done before and I’ve one more chance, but only have a few months…not enough time to find a partner!

    The AM has wasted the most important years of my life, I can never forgive him, my chances of having children are running low at 38 yrs old and I could have spent the past 3 years dating to find the right partner rather than him manipulating me. So on top of being screwed over by work, within a few days my chances of having a child have been wiped out. I’ve really got to focus on whats happening now at work, but my life has changed so dramatically in the past 3/4 mths, it’s all shocking.

    I’ve been through worse, and now I’m older I know happiness comes in all shapes and forms. The younger guy I’ve had a few dates with said you’re stunning and can have anyone you want, but it doesn’t stop me from choosing the wrong guys (abusive, physically and mentally…use me for money etc and get me into debt!) and then go from bad to worse seeing a AM and probably falling into light depression.

    A friend was here at the weekend and he said ‘It feels like you’ve been in a dark room for a long time, this dark room becomes the norm, suddenly someone turns the light on and you can see for the first time in a long time, and you realise this dark sad lonely room was not the norm’ – He couldn’t have given a better overview of how I was feeling!

    I’m not sure how I’ll feel when I speak to him again, my heart will probably pound hard and I’ll almost faint…but next time I’m being stronger!

    Just to let you know, I’m in the UK….so far but our lives so similar. Take care all and have a fabulous week….will reply to Sharons post (you’re doing SO well, keep it up….life should be for living and smiling, just look at your kids….something that’ll probably just be a dream for me now) and Liz…keep it strong, I bet each day and week you were feeling better and stronger….so glad the hoovering didn’t work on you….these men need to practice their house cleaning more, as no way can they suck as back into their vacuums! X

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      Dear Ladies,

      I came accross that website and your comments as I was trying to get away from a difficult situation. I am currently getting a divorce and trying to sell my place. I am living in the South of France. 8 months ago, when I already decided to leave my husband,I am 28. I fell in love with a colleague living in the Netherlands..Learnt later he was married with a 2 years old, but we fell in love and I never let go. He never promised anything, told me that before he met me never considered getting a divorce, he was used to be in this unhappy life and when he met me, he starting thinking of it, and now he thinks everyday. I know I need to leave, I don’t even think we will ever be together. No one knows about me, even though I saw his son many times on Facetime. We see each other on business trips, always a few days, every 2/3 weeks. Today, when I saw him with his son and wedding ring, I really realised he had the perfect life, why would he bother go through hell to change his life. We have planned a trip in Dubai for next week. I payed 400 euros for the tickets to be with him. My life is so crap right now, he is my only escape to happiness and that’s why I deal with all the crap he puts me through. I am still living with my husband since we can’t afford to pay the morgage and a rent.My family lives 6 hours away from me and most my friends are abroad and I am really lonely. I hope that this website and you can help me finally move on and by sharing pain and experiences, maybe even make some friends. I don’t know anyone who is going through the same and your journey to a better life give me hope that I can do it as well. Thank you for sharing so much and helping others.

      • Forever Waiting says:

        Hi Little Frenchie,

        Firstly I know how you feel but I promise you you’re not alone, and we are here to support you. Without this site I’d have caved in, especially when i am pretty much going through hell at the moment with work and finance (my ex-AM used to help towards the rent and I only got this flat because he could stay here 2 days a week and pay 3rd of the rent which was the agreement)….but so far I’ve not reached out. I don’t sleep, I have to hear about him through friends and colleague (apparently he is doing good and making a fortune on his business…but claims to me, as he has done for years, that he can’t leave as he can’t take a salary from it or his partner….I’m not sure who he is lying to but I can bet it’s me) I have also cancelled fertility treatment we’ve been going through and won’t have a job soon. My whole life is suddenly completely crumbling, I’ve been awake since 4.30am (not due to wake until 6.30) and I’m doing my best not to contact him.

        The reason I’m telling you this, and if you read the posts on here is so you get out as soon as possible. because you think things are going to get better, but they only get worse, much worse. The affair was always stressful mentally and physically, because they go home to their wives/partners and you’re alone, knowing he is in bed with her, having family dinners and day trips….then they don’t leave…and you get to a point where you just can’t handle it anymore, and in fact, it almost sends you crazy. I do not want anyone to go through what I have, and without Sharon and Liz’s help and a few others on here, I’m not sure where I’d be right now. I’m on the verge on being signed off for stress, I keep a cool head, but not having my AM at work or in my life now (5 days a week to nothing) I is better and worse. I’m trying desperately to handle things logically (like if I was still seeing him, I’d always feel sad when I say goodbye and he rushes home…to his real home, I’ve not seen him since my birthday 3rd week of August, never EVER did I think I’ve go a week without seeing him like when I’ve been away or him, but it’s almost 2 months!) and stay strong…I know things and stress passes, but right now is when I’m dealing with it.

        Like you, I live 8 hours from parents, brothers too, friends dotted around and manage to keep myself busy enough and usually have a flatmate here 3 days a week (my ex-AM friend and my colleague funny enough, without his bit of rent, I’d have lost my home too….and this is what my AM has caused, so much more stress than just not leaving his gf as promised…..affairs cost all hosts of problems when they don’t ‘work out’).

        I’m so tired at the moment from losing my job to money to family worries etc that I’m not even putting my point across, except please stop seeing him, join local friendship clubs, find a hobby where you’re with people, get yourself on a dating website for ‘casual’ dating. I was on one and met a guy who had chased me for 6 years, although he is very laid back, I’ve seen him 3 times and its my escape for now, we don’t message much, but I forget my worries when I’m with him as he is so much younger and has a different outlook to life, which helps me calm down and distress.

        At the moment you don’t feel like you can break away, if you read Sharons post on here (the help she has given me is the reason I have not reached out, I keep reading her posts and responses and with her and Liz they are the only reason I have not gone running back and contact the AM, I don’t know these amazing women but they have saved me from further heartbreak, it’s been almost 4 years, I’m exhausted) …but you will start cutting off in your own time, you need to be in a strong frame of mind or something will happen that’ll make you snap (which it did me).

        I’ve only just joined Facebook again, but if we could all chat somewhere else but keep visiting this site to help others then we’d support everyone and heal ourselves.

        Maybe go to Dubai but find some extra money to spent the time at Yoga retreats, to destress and calm…or can you change your ticket to go elsewhere. I’m sorry to say through experience, you’ll spend a week with him, be on an absolute high, then return and get so low it feels like depression, this becomes the norm and is far from the norm!.

        I will create an account but Sharon has done below as well, I will email her giving my details. I do not want any strong beautiful amazing woman to go through I have or them and anyone else in our position. stay strong, relax and meditate if you can, exercise, find a hobby and focus on yourself because even if you were with this man you need your own life. I’m here for you X

        PS; how are you doing Liz and Sharon, is everyday easier, or weeks or months? You’re both a massive inspiration to me, I’m not sure how at this stage in my life and after a 20 yr run off horrific ‘relationships’ I’ve even got myself into this position!

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      Good Morning, Liz, Sharon, ForeverWaiting, Anna,

      You cannot imagine how this bloh has been helping me since I have come accross it. It hurts me and at the same time, I don’t feel alone and I feel there is hope. I have been to the blog of the narcissist. I must say, like most, I want to believe that the love with married man is special, that is was destiny that we met and we are made for each other because it is so special between us. I always see him as such a good person, he never promised me anything, he said I should go many times because he loved me and did not want to hurt me.BS.

      Why he is a narc?
      He told me he knew me before I knew him, we started really talking to each other last February 2016, he said he had a plan to come and talk to me. I often thought it was cute, like a romantic quest. Looks like I was his target all along.
      When we speak about subjects he doesn’t like, he treats me with silence. When I am upset or need support and I am not all fun and laughs and romance, he treats me with silence.
      The MM is not really romantic, he doesn’t tell me he loves me everyday, but I am always seeking for affection, love. I always felt confident and since I met him, I feel unworthy. Why doesn’t he chose me, why does he chose her?
      He always says he wants to be there for me and help me, but when I tell him I am not ok, he disappear for hours and blames me for not talking a lot.
      He never takes the blame on anything, he never apologizes, he treats me to cold and distance, until I come back begging for love.

      I always thought I was a smart person, I always met good nice guys that treated me well. I never had anyone anyone in my life treating me bad. And I stay. Why do I treat myself like this?

      Yesterday we barely talked, we Facetimed a little, we were both at work, me office and him from home. He barely looked at me, I fell he did not care. Then he went off. Sent me a picture of him in the car (the last text I sent him was very romantic but he did like he did not read it or something) I did not answer, he texted “have a great evening!”, I replied 2 hours later saying I was having a drink with a (male) colleague and he said ” ah ok great enjoy” and that’s it. Lately it is like this. No affection nothing, and he blames it on the distance, he is not made for this and he doesn’t know how to communicate and the culture “I am Dutch, I can’t express emotions”.

      I have my ticket for next week, I am thinking of not going. Not tell him. And not go, so he is there at the airport like an idiot being alone and hurt for 5 days.

      I don’t know where to move once my appartment will be solved. I was thinking London or Amsterdam (he lives 2 hours away from AMS anyways), and one of his friend lives there so I asked for his contact so I could ask him questions. He keeps asking why I want it and I can go to blogs etc. He is so scared someone discovers the truth about him and his lying. I am hurt and angry today. I wish him the worse life ever. I feel like a fool, humiliated and mad at myself for letting someone hurt me like he does, every day.

      I find comfort in your words, and experiences, all of you. Each time I want to write him, I read your post instead, it calms me down and I feel like I can do this. I don’t know if my light bulb was turned on yesterday, if not it is on his way.

      I hope you are all doing well, that everyday has its joy and you can start seeing happiness again. I am happy you are slowly moving own, you give hope to the one starting the “cleaning” journey.

      Have a great day.xx

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      Dear Forever Waiting,

      thank you so much for your answer, you can’t imagine how it warms my heart. I am sorry for the mess right now, sometimes I believe we are hitting the lows and we can just only go up. Money problems are the worse on top of things, I hope you can soon find a new job, even if not the best just to make sure to get money coming in and a routine every day. I have myself just recently changed jobs for a very bad team and I am alone all day. I go home to my future ex husband, after being alone all day and he is/was my only escape. I know it is/was all not real anyway. But I am crying everyday, and many days I wish I would just sleep forever and not have to deal with anything of that. I have emailed the address that Sharon created asking if I could speak with you, Liz and her. I don’t have facebook and can’t share my details here neither. Us both being in Europe, it would be easier to speak because we only have 1 hour time difference.

      I asked him to give me back half the ticket price to Dubai, which we agreed on before. He was all mad and angry. I did not reply but 200 euros is still money. Then later asked me to confirm my bank details and later said he did not have the money and was fearing I wanted my money so I wouldn’t go there. I did not say anything but he said everything is weird between us, maybe I love you less I don’t know what to think anymore, I want to leave everything and everyone and just be alone. He said I shouldn’t come to Dubai since everything is weird between us and I keep disappointing you. And he left for a walk. A part of me is still hurt, I still wish he would say, “I know I love you and I want to be with you”..but it is time to say goodbye. I hate it that if he writes me my hearts beat and I feel like a little girl. I want to believe I am better than this and I can make it through. But it is like I am craving for crumbs of affection or anything that makes me feel like he still cares, even though he probably never did. I hope we can keep speaking. I feel so lost and empty, so much going on right now I don’t know what to start with. My apartment to be sold, a new job to be found so I can leave the south of France, leaving him once and for all.

      Keep being strong, Liz, Sharon, me and others are here for each other. We can understand each other through every piece of pain and sadness. I am there for you if you need anything. I am new I know, but I think helping others is helping us as well.

      I don’t want to be a secret anymore, none of us should ever be. We should be proudly loved and showed to the world. No more of feeling like nothing on weekends and evenings while they are having their happy life. They know the damage they are doing. And they don’t care.

      Try to have a good evening. I am going to Rome tomorrow, I hope I can not talk to him and have a happy time..I am not excited about going but will try to change my mood.

      All, take care of yourself. You are strong, beautiful and you deserve respect and happiness, that is what we all deserve.

      Lots of hugs

    • LittleFrenchie says:

      I relapsed..Day 1 I can’t even do it. I talked to him, told him what he meant to me,he told not to worry… Worse of the worse, I went to see what his wife looked like online. And now I feel I have no self esteem for putting myself through this. Why do I want to know who I am competing with, why…

  92. Sharon says:

    Hello Liz,

    Thank you for your message. I’m doing well myself, but like you, I also have my moments (still). The moments I have are thankfully nowhere near like they were in the beginning, but I still think about him, and us as we were, every night before falling asleep. I also think about how genuine and real everything was for me and it’s still so incredibly unbelievable that “none of it” meant anything to him … absolutely none of it. That’s the part I struggle to comprehend the most and I know it will be a part of me for a really long time. At times, I still find it shocking how everything turned out and I may never fully understand how any human being can cause so much anguish in another person’s life. I often find myself thinking about how I would love to respond to him if he ever tried coming back, but every time I do, I have to take a step back and remember that it won’t be worth it. I have to remember that I’m not dealing with just any regular Joe. Liz, it really is like grieving a death, but even grieving a death has to be much easier than this because at least you know what happened, why it happened and that they’ll never be coming back. In our case, we will never know for certain what to expect from them.

    I also wanted to tell you that I’ve read some of your questions to HG, as well as his responses to you, and it’s still mind-boggling to me how similar our situations really are. I can’t tell you how relieving it is to finally have someone (you) who truly knows “exactly” what I’m going through still to this day (7 months after being discarded) and I just want to say thank you for being a good online friend. XO 🙂

    • Liz says:

      Hi Sharon,

      I should really be the one thanking you. If it were not for coming across this site, having communication with you, and having you direct me to HG’s site, I would not be anywhere close to where I’m at now. It’s funny that although I have never met you, I am grateful for having had you in the last little while 🙂 Sometimes just having someone understand what you’re going through is therapeutic.

      Guess what? The ex-MN tried to hoover me today through my email. I am surprised that he even found my email address, as he only ever emailed me once and that was years ago. On the one hand, I was shocked that he emailed me, and on the other hand, I wasn’t surprised at all. He essentially sent me an email that said that he has tried to contact me but could not get through as my phone was blocked. Then he went on to say that I’m obviously happy that I have cut him out of my life and he doesn’t understand how I claimed to care about him but then blocked him completely. He also went on to say that he begun making “changes” in his life, but he doesn’t want to bore me with the details (BS!). He turned things around on me and said that he is upset that I obviously don’t care for him as he cares for me. If that isn’t a true narcissist, then I don’t know what is! Honest to God, Sharon, I am so grateful that you sent me to HG’s site and that I learned about narcissists. I never would have thought he was one, but after reading and educating myself, I have learned that he is a mid-range cerebral narcissist. His actions are so clear and predictable. He is going to be livid when I don’t respond. I just hope that he eventually lets this go, and doesn’t show up my door. He called me twice today (an unknown number)…thank God I didn’t pick up! I had a feeling it was him and just let it ring.

      With every action, I see more and more who he truly is – a narcissist. I feel sorry for his wife and hope that one day she can see him for what he is, and finds the courage to leave him.

      I hope you continue to heal, Sharon! I know how hard it is to try and move past someone like this. These people are so selfish and unkind, they are not even worth are time. I plan on reading HGs book on getting rid of the narcissist from your life. I can’t wait for the day that he is 100% history in mine.

      Liz 🙂

      • Sharon says:

        Hi Liz,

        WOW!!! So how long had it been since before you heard from him? That’s crazy, isn’t it, how predictable he was? I bet you felt all sorts of different emotions when seeing an email, and getting those calls, from your ex-MN. Honestly, sometimes I find myself wishing I’d get something from mine too just so I can throw the silent treatment back in his face. I’m so proud of you for staying strong and thank God we’ve both been able to see behind these little boys masks. It’s such a relief to know what it was we were truly dealing with.

        You’ll have to keep me informed with what ends up happening, Liz, but remember, you deserve a million times better than what he was willing to give you. I can’t believe some of the things he said to you. He definitely tried taking you on a guilt trip and blame-shifting to make everything your fault, didn’t he? He didn’t want to bore you with the details of the changes he’s made because there are no details, other than maybe he can’t find another supply source right now, so it’s causing him chaos in his life. Poor little narcissist!

        Liz, I’m just happy that you took my advice and went to the site. I just threw the life line out there and you grabbed on. That is all on you and I am so happy you did. I wish others on this site could be as open to other possibilities as you were. There’s no reason why any of us should have to go through the BS we’ve endured, including their wives. It’s a sick game they play with all of us and the only way to play back is through education.

        Okay, off the subject of those weirdos for a minute, and just out of curiosity, do you mind me asking what part of the world you live in? I live in the U.S. (Utah, to be exact). It truly has been therapeutic for me too, just being able to share my story with you. Liz, I’ve been thinking, if you would like to keep in contact beyond this site, I’m happy to give you my email address if you’d like. Just let me know, okay?

        As always, keep taking care of you and I pray that MN never shows up at your door, (looking for negative fuel) either. I would think that would be a lot harder to deal with, but if it happens, I know you’re strong enough to handle it! Just remember what you’ve already dealt with. You’re a strong woman and I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!

        Sharon ~ 🙂

      • Liz says:

        Hi Sharon ,

        So nice to hear from you 🙂 It took exactly 6 weeks and one day for the ex-MN to try and hoover me. I’m assuming he was gaining fuel (probably negative) from his wife, and when that ran low, moved on to me. He’s a piece of work! I was actually at a work meeting when I happened to look down at my phone and saw his email pop up on my phone screen. My hands literally started shaking, and for the first 10 minutes after I received it, I could not even get myself to open it out of pure fear. I do not fear that he would harm me physically, but the mental and emotional abuse he has made me suffer is as bad in its own way. You are right, I did feel a mix of emotions when I saw he tried to contact me. On the one hand, as crazy as it sounds, a part of me was glad to know that he still thinks of me. When I think back to how I once felt about him and who I believed him to be, it hits me very hard. On the other hand, I was scared that I would be tempted to email him back and be sucked back in. Fortunately, the latter did not happen. His email was such a load of BS! In typical narcissist fashion, he blame-shifted, guilted me, and took no responsibility for his own actions. I gave him a year to leave! And as for his “I won’t bore you with the details”, you are right, there are no details to give me! It’s his manipulation tactic to try and draw me back in, and I see right through it. Funny thing is, even if he did leave (which he won’t), I don’t want him. He is a lying, controlling, manipulative, entitled narcissist. I’m surprised he emailed me because I thought he no longer my email. He emailed me once a few years ago just to send me a brochure, and that was the extent of our email contact in the years I’ve known him. In his email to me, he said that he would never try and contact me again, but I’m not so sure about that. His ego and entitlement is so large that he may convince himself that I never received his email (as there’s no way of him knowing if I did or not), and will try again. Little does he know that now I’m the one who can discard his pathetic narcissist a**.

        I truly hope that every woman who is on this site will be open to visiting HG’s website. At first you believe that your MM is different, but the fact is, most of them aren’t. And as you read more and more about other peoples situations, you realize that yours is not all that unique. It is actually not unique at all. As my best friend tells me: it’s a tale as old as time. I hope that everyone on here is willing to at least read some of the articles that HG has written, and I’m sure they’ll see the similarities between their married men and a narcissist.

        Sharon, I live in Canada (your neighbour to the north, lol!). I was actually thinking the same thing – for us to exchange email addresses. I don’t want to write mine on this site only because my full name is my email and I would prefer not to have that on here. How can we go about exchanging?

        Take care Sharon:)

        Liz

      • Sharon says:

        Hi Liz,

        Wow, my heart would’ve started racing right then. I probably would’ve dropped my phone because of shaking so bad. Isn’t it absolutely ludicrous that they have this kind of control over us? I can’t even believe it, but I do believe I would have reacted just exactly as you did when you received that email from him. That’s one thing about the Narcs, if you recall, they remember absolutely EVERYTHING about us. Remember they preyed upon us at one time and getting your email way back when was part of his plan. The ex-MN in my life did the exact same thing. He got my email address in the beginning of our relationship, only to use it maybe once or twice. I’ve actually thought to myself that he’d never email me now because he hasn’t used that email address in years. But now, after reading what you just said, I wouldn’t put it past him.

        Like you, Liz, I don’t fear that the ex-N in my life would hurt me physically, but he’s had such a tight grip on the emotional and psychological part of me and I’m afraid that anything he says is going to lure me right back in. I think the fear mostly comes from not truly knowing whether I’m strong enough yet or not. I believe I am, but having him come back now would definitely put my strength and will to survive to the test. I know if I were ever to allow him contact with me again, it would be like deciding that going back through hell again would be a good idea. NOT!!! We just need to remember that he isn’t thinking about us in the way that we hope that he would. He’s only thinking of himself and only himself.

        Liz, I don’t know if you can sense how much you’ve changed, but after reading your post, it just makes me smile because I can tell you’ve come such a long way from where you were when we first started communicating. Just to see you say, “I don’t want him”, makes me smile because I know you’re going to be okay. I love that we can both see exactly who they are now and I love that we have discovered what’s hidden behind their masks. Isn’t it a great victory knowing we can now read their every move and act accordingly. They probably have no idea what the hell is happening. They’re probably thinking, “well hell, this isn’t how it’s suppose to happen!”. “They’re suppose to be chasing after me, crying and begging for me to love them again”. But, we have new found power now, and that trumps anything they can ever try doing to us again, we just have to keep believing in ourselves.

        I love this statement you made: “Little does he know that now I’m the one who can discard his pathetic narcissist a**”. LOVE IT ~ LOVE IT ~ LOVE IT!

        Take care,
        Sharon ~ 🙂

  93. Forever Waiting says:

    Hi All,

    It’s late and have had some colleague around – but wanted to say a quick hello, huge thank you for all the posts which helps everyone on here and give you a quick update date (fuller tomorrow and replies to others!).

    In short, after I suddenly had enough again almost 2 weeks ago, a younger guy, 9 years younger (I’m 38 and him 29) who has been chasing me for over 6 years, contacted me again. I thought this poor guy has been trying to have a date or even just a coffee for years, and I don’t give him the time of day, but I give the time a day to a cheater, liar and someone who constantly lets me down and feeling low poop MOST the time? hang on….this isn’t right! I spend all my time lonely and depressed…

    So last week I finally had the courage to say ‘Ok, lets meet for date’. For years I’ve put this off and stuck with the AM….deep down too scared to find love, go through the meeting process and build up all over again, but I went for it.
    He was amazing, and what was also incredible, was to have someones undivided attention ALL evening and night (we drank until the early hours, it was blissful). For the first time in almost 3 years, I was having a normal Friday evening, not one where I’m at home and the AM is with his family…I had someone elses attention, and fully, no texts from the gf or worrying his Dad will phone….just normal.

    We had the best time, laughing, playing board games in the bar, he held my hand, I felt truly special, it didn’t matter we were out together. We chatted and laughed about the past 6 years. You may all believe that your AM/MM made you feel like a Princess….but…I had TOTALLY FORGOTTEN how really feeling like a Princess felt – this was it, a man all to myself. One that is not going home to his gf or wife, one who texts you day and night as he doesn’t need to hide his phone, I felt on top of the world.

    I realised, I was smitten, and that I could love someone FAR more than the AM man. The date knew what had been going on and I explained more, he felt so sad for me, and said what he thought of the guy and situation (I spoke about the narcissist side of things and this website). This guy is 17 years the AM junior- how incredibly sad & immature does that make the AM seem?!

    He text me the next morning asking if I was awake (so Saturday morning)…I text 3 hours later (yes, hungover, but was worth it!) saying yes just about, he said thanks for a great evening and it was worth the wait to meet me. I text back saying thank you SO much, you have really cheered me up and this is the FIRST Saturday I have woken up happy in many many years.

    I was scared of dating, and he has gone ‘cold’ since, not in a horrible way, but he is a little confused as I’ve turned him down for 6 years, I feel like a besotted teenager and except for checking my phone still to see if the AM has been online checking for messages from me – I’ve not given him one thought really as this young guy has captured my attention and heart.
    He struck a cord in my heart because he reminded me what it was like to actually be the only woman, even for that evening, that was a part of him…no wife or gf at home. I smiled, he bowled me over…wish I’d ‘wasted’ 3 years on him!!!. We talked about weekend road trips, how amazing to have a boyfriend at the weekend! WoW!. And lots of other adventures.and normal days. No hiding. What a dream after being tangled up in a pointless love triangle for so many years. What huge waste to my life!

    I’m a little love sick over him but know he is a nervous about us so is still on the dating site, and tbh he does need someone a little younger and that is all I’ve gone about – his age. But, I can’t thank him enough for breaking this awful cycle and giving me the confidence again to find happiness or just be happy and date with the AM in my life!

    And, we all believe we can’t love as hard or deep….this is utter rubbish and now I realise, a free man can be loved from head to toe inside out 24/7 so much more than the attached men!….and give you access to him for this time rather than snippets, and be a proper part of his life….. I never thought I’d end up smitten, especially when I’ve avoided this guy for 6 years!!!

    So Sharon, and the others, when you talk about not loving again like you did…I don’t believe that at all now. With the date guy, I think the chase is over now and this is why he is quiet, but I felt better than ever, and found out there truly are other guys out there that are right for me who I’d love more as they are single and would be all mine. To know he got in his own bed, without another woman naked too next to him that night just highlighted all that was wrong seeing someone attached. Like others have mentioned, I’ve not been happy, I wanted to believe the ‘love’ kept me happy…but it didn’t…5% if that of someones time and a relationship conducted mostly via message or phone or sneaking around work isn’t real, so even the love from us isn’t real either. No happiness, not real true happiness. And it’s not until you go back out into the big wide world you’ll see or believe this. I’ve been bouncing to work and back, obsessing over whether ir not I’ll hear from him…but this is such normal living!

    I always thought I’d end up with my AM, I mean, like many, we have spent almost 4 years (and 3 years too long!) arranging and planning our future. We have IVF fertility treatment in 2 weeks – what am I thinking now? No WAY!. He can go to a very hot place before I’d even consider it!

    Now I’m chatting to guys online and arranging talks on the phone and potential meets. Something I said to another colleague today

    ‘I’d rather be messed around by someone I don’t trust, have put very little time into, don’t love and know than someone I’ve put heart, soul, time, emotions and trust into who CONSTANTLY messes me around and lets me down!’

    This same date from Friday popped in Sunday, in the evening on the way back from his cousins. We cuddled for an hour on the sofa, on a Sunday, like most the weekend when I’m usually alone, I had a lovely young man, in fact good looking and fit! hehe with his arms tightly around me kissing the back of my head, on a Sunday. Bliss, normal…and made me feel human again.I went to bed smiling on a Sunday evening, I never used too, not for years.

    Girls, give yourself a chance, I’ve been dating for many years before, and got nowhere, but had fun, lovely times and memories and spend normal weekends with these guys. Yeh a bit of heartbreak but as mentioned, would rather that than constant heartbreak and pain. I’ve decided this is a much better life for me than the agony of lying in bed thinking of my AM next to his gf, their family weekends and all the other stuff….well his whole life, I’m not a part of. And this is why you’ll love again and more deeply, as they’ll be completely free to love, and you’l love loving them more because they are all yours! Do not underestimate emotions you could get for a free partner, i think they’ll be stronger as they’ll be, quite frankly, much nicer, caring and loyal people.

    Now my dilemma is getting this young lad out my head….but how blooming wonderful after 4 years of sadness, loneliness and just feeling terribly depressed….someone else is now taking up my brain space!!!!.

    What we have been through is not a life, true love for either of us on both sides and getting an outsiders perspective wonderful too about all of this. He (the date) was completely shocked. I was too dependent on the AM, needing my ‘rock’ – but only I can be my own rock. I don’t need the AM, I need normality, as I forgot what it felt like to be normally happy.

    Sending hugs to all…get out there and date when you feel ready just go for it…., suddenly you’ll be forgetting your MM!

    • Liz says:

      Hi Forever Waiting,

      I am so happy to hear that you went on a date!!!! That is a HUGE step, and it shows that you are beginning to open yourself up to the possibility of moving on. I would not necessarily just focus on this new guy per se, but just on the fact that you are OPEN to someone new in your life. I’m sure most of us can relate to when we were not even close to being in a position to thinking about another man, let alone going out with one!

      I truly hope the ex-AM is cut from your life, and that he does not try and squirm his way back in. Always remember, if he loved you, he would want you to be happy and would let you go. If he doesn’t let you go, he’s most likely a narcissist that is trying to obtain something from your for his own selfish reasons.

      You should feel very, very proud of yourself! I hope you remember how good it feels to be able to call someone freely, go out openly in public, and to be treated with respect. You are strong and don’t let yourself succumb to the ex-AM if he reaches out. You deserve to enjoy and love your life!

      Liz

      • Forever Waiting says:

        Hi Liz,

        Thanks so much for the reply, I’ve had a week from hell but have kept strong and somehow incredibly busy too with different visitors and far too much alcohol!.

        It is a huge step and I think I just forgot that other things out there can make me happier than the situation I was in. Week before last I was going out of my mind about this guy and did read your post many times to real in my besottedness (is that a word?!) and trying to get level-headed about it and lower expectations, have a habit of fantasising about the future as we all do!

        Thanks for being proud, that means a lot even if you’re thousands of miles away, I’m proud of each and every person who comes on here and writes their story…as it’s almost like the start of recovery and moving on for us.

        I see my AM has now taken his ‘Last seen’ off the message ap, so now I’m checking less (he can’t message me as removed it from my main phone and just have it installed on an old one and a number he doesn’t have). It was me that sent the last message 3 Saturdays ago, so find it odd, but as said he didn’t like the content so is actually waiting for me to chase!. It’s odd as we went from seeing each other usually 5 days a week at work and 2 nights a week when he stayed weekdays….to nothing! Yes it’s me that pulled away…but look at the proof! I’m going to reply to your and Sharons posts above, but I’m so glad to get support here!!.

        You too deserve a happy and fulfilling life, with someone that is there 24/7 and who doesn’t sleep next to another woman plus lies, manipulates and makes you feel sad….as all our Am/MM/MN do!

  94. Susan Debartolo says:

    I have been dating a married man,going on 13 years.We were friends,for a few years before it started,and I was recently divorced.It started out Great,and we have had so much fun, down the road,but I feel like,I have come to a bump in the road.I have never expected, or wanted him to leave his wife,but feel, like he is cheating on me now.with another women(KARMA).Not sure if I should break it off,or am I just over thinking?

  95. Sharon says:

    Looking back now, after 6 months of being away from the married narc (MN), I see clearly where he played mind games on me during the entire 4.75 years I was with him. He played mind games to snag me (seduction), he played mind games to keep me (demoralizing) and he played mind games when the time came for him to put up or shut up (discard/silent treatment).

    I know it’s hard to think of your married men as anything less than great, but at least take the time to read the two blogs I’ve posted below and sincerely ask yourselves … “Have mind games been played on me – from the beginning of the relationship up until right now?” The only one you have to be honest with is yourself.

    If I can help just one of you, from continuing down the path of no return (emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually), then I’m going to keep posting these articles from narcsite.wordpress.com, because the last thing I want, is for any of you continuing on even one day longer than you should. Your life is for a purpose and the purpose is not to be sitting around and waiting for someone to prove their love to you. If married men truly loved us, we wouldn’t be on this site right now – that should be proof enough. Proof enough that we need to love ourselves. XO 🙂

  96. Anne says:

    I’m at a loss as to where to start here, I’ve been reading this thread for a few days now and it has given me some comfort.. I find myself with a very heavy heart right now and very upset.. ok so I was pursued by a friend of my sibling for months but only thru online social media and not in person as such, met once at family gathering but that was it.. I never really took much notice to him and even thought him a bit odd really as he used to send me all the fashionable pics of himself but I did exchange some too of my sense of fashion.. my failing relationship ended, I ended it on new years eve after 16 yrs as I didn’t want to go thru another year of torture.. best decision Ive ever made, but was hard on our teens and still is.. he rarely sees them. Anyway this man that was pursuing me I finally gave in around May of this year and I’m embarrassed and ashamed to say we had online sex.. something Ive never in my life done before as I’m in my 40’s. This led to me developing huge feelings for him and he me, only problem is he is married with a new baby too.. but I did not let that stop me from a quick fumble and a kiss at yet another family function.. that was two months ago and I well got my karma for that one.. I put a stop to it, plus we got caught with the kiss by a family member, so embarrassing. I have tried and tried to stop the contact as it is only ever online but once I stop he seems to reel me back in again and I just feel like we are going around and around and around in circles here, with the same conversations of him saying I cant not contact you what do you expect me to do? Ive never brought up his wife he says I’m sorry I cant walk, I said I never would expect you to.. he is not one of these men that talks bad of his Wife, on the contrary, he still loves her, fancies her and nothing bad between them as I have asked. I’m so confused as to why he insists on persuing me as I’m also about four or five years older than him too.. he said that I have just turned his head and he does not know what to do as this has never happened to him in his life before, my sisters told me to stay away from him and also my brother as I am not that type of person.. believe me I have tried and tried and still trying.. My final mail was sent to him this morning and he has been online constantly but never even responded, I have been such a fool.. I feel like my heart is broken, perhaps I am still at a very vunerable stage here? please God somebody please help me break the ties here.. for once and for all.. I cannot get him out of my head, my mind and I am back in college and trying to focus to get my degree so I can get a job again, I cannot concentrate as I constantly check my phone and texts etc, to see if he is online, then the texting starts but mainly at the weekend and I feel so happy to be talking to him then nothing.. feel so used.. any and all advice is very welcome now as this is beginning to seriously interfere with my life now.. I was not aware just how involved and how much you could emotionally attach yourself to someone online.. only saw him twice in a year and both at family functions.. please somebody help, Anne..

    • Sharon says:

      Just out of curiosity, Anne, what are your thoughts about what you’ve read here? Does any of it trigger thoughts that he may have stalked you and preyed upon you? There’s a really good ebook I’ve suggested called “Exorcism, Purging the Narcissist from Heart and Soul. You can purchase it from Amazon ($5). I know it’s probably too early for you to think of him as anything of the sort, but this book is extremely helpful in teaching you how to get the person you love out of your head and ultimately your heart. For you to really be able to do that though, there are steps you’ll need to take first, one of which is realizing you were in a toxic relationship whether it was with a Narcissist or not. Believe me, I know the pain your going through and I absolutely promise you it does get easier with each day that passes. The one thing I would advise you on though is to be patient with yourself. It’s going to take a lot of time and work educating yourself on what happened to you, but it will be worth it in the long run. The one thing you know is you cannot live like this, so really take the words here to heart and start loving yourself above all else. You can do it and you need to do it because what he’s done to you is not right, period. You deserve more, just like everyone of us here does. XO 😊

      • Anne says:

        Hi Sharon, I will certainly look into this book you suggest, but for now my head is in such a whiz its hard to concentrate.. and yes this pain is not nice at all.. feel like my heart is broken, feel foolish really as most of it was online between us the majority really.. and yes I did begin to think that he caught me at my most vunerable.. but what really and truelly puzzles me the absolute most is that he has never ever promised me any sort of commitment and neither have I vice versa.. instead it has purely really been verbal through text, a very odd phone call only actually once as its always the wrong time to call yet Ive only asked twice.. again we have only ever had one very brief pyshical encounter and most just kissing as the rest not worth talking about really a bit of a disaster really when I think of it.. I’m not a stupid person, far from it really actually very intelligent and I actually find he is kind of dumb in many ways and he would not be the type of man I would ever usually go or fall for.. so perhaps you have a very valid point there on him catching me at my lowest ebb, and if he has well shame on him even more so..

        I was doing so well for a month and not contacting him and he then began again with the weekend one liners, I miss you, Hi how are you, Can I say hi to you, I cant believe its come to this, Gorgious babe, etc etc etc.. I was strong again not to reply to those and deleted him from any social media etc.. yet in the last couple of weeks I have been reeled straight back in again with the nonsense talk of how much he loves me and doesn’t know how to get rid of these feelings for me so when I ask him straight out what I was to him? he never even responded and left me heart broken all night long thinking about it.. I then sent him the final text yesterday saying enough is enough now I have my self respect and morals and what he is doing is so wrong and also me too.. even if it is mostly only talking.. I said that if he was truly happy in his marriage he would not have feelings for anyone else and so on etc.. needless to say I have not heard back from him, but rest assured I will as there is a pattern developing here where I will begin to somehow get the good owl one liners and appologies again.. he is married and is happy so why the hell does he want to torture me like this? as I tell him hes married and his reply is I know but what can I do, I answer I cant tell you what to do you have your own mind then the conversation ends.. I’m just so sick of it all now at this stage and truelly want freedom from all this mental torture.. thanks again for the reply I will in my own time look into the Narc side of things too as it makes sense.. Anne.

    • Liz says:

      Hi Anne,

      If it makes you feel any better, I think all of us have been where you are right now. It feels impossible to leave, and even when you do try and leave, it is often so difficult that you cave and contact him, or he contacts you and you can’t resist. I wish that there was something I could say, but it is only when the proverbial lightbulb goes off for you, will you truly be ready to move on. It wasn’t until I came across this site and started realizing how uncommon my situation truly was, and also reading from the site that Sharon suggested (narcsite.wordpress.com), that I began seeing the “relationship” and him for what it truly was. I hope that that you can get to a point where you are open to educating yourself about narcissist — like Sharon said, not all cheaters are narcissists, but the chances of our MMs being one is high! I would have NEVER said that mine was one, even up until just a month ago. But you cannot ignore the signs, and remember, these people are like chameleons — they fool the best of us!

      Just remember that you deserve more! No man that truly loved you would put you through this — NEVER.

      I wish you all the best!

      Liz

      • Anne says:

        Hi Liz, Ive had a comment from you that I couldn’t actually open up I’m wondering did you send me two? as have just read the above to which I am equally grateful for so thanks.. I think Ive said it all to my reply to Sharon just there on how I am feeling right now which is very rough indeed.. I do have good willpower so I’m hoping it will get me out of this impossible situation. He tells me he loves me so much, YET it is not possible for me to phone him as his Wife is only in the next room.. I have to wake up to reality here as I am not going to be let made a fool out of for very much longer.. enough is enough now.. I am still awaiting this proverbial lightbulb to kick into place for me now to cop myself on.. I know one thing though, no man has ever treated me like this before.. thanks again.. Anne.

      • Sharon says:

        Hi Liz, I hope you’re doing good!

        So, Liz, I found an ebook I think you might REALLY like. It’s a book for helping “us” (Super Empaths), not one for helping us to stay focused on the Narcissist(s) in our lives. The book is called: “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself” by Shahida Arabi. You can get the book from Amazon ($5). I’m going to post an excerpt from the book so you can get an idea of the author’s thought process. When I read this piece, I thought it was truly amazing and the first thing I thought of was wanting to share it with you. I wanted to share a book that’s geared toward helping us truly move forward. I hope you’ll decided to buy it. Take Care XO 🙂

        EXCERPT:

        “As you read through this book, I hope you’ll recognize that your own story, when and if you are ready to share it, can help to heal others. This experience, while alienating at first, can be channeled into a greater purpose and can be used to reconnect you with the larger world in ways you might never have thought possible. I know there are moments when it seems hopeless and the pain seems unbearable, especially if you have a pattern of attaching to narcissistic people. However, there is a whole other world that will open up for you in recovery and healing. Be kind to yourself, even when you feel nobody is kind to you. At the end of the day, you have to save yourself – over and over again, no matter what. You and your story are needed. You are worthy. You are strong. You are extraordinary. You are a fighter. You are a warrior. I encourage all survivors to take their own self-care journey after narcissistic abuse; you can empower yourself more fully by taking advantage of all the lessons it has to offer. This experience can serve as a portal to healing and a challenge to rise above the ashes and resurrect to your best self.”
        “You will find that when you see the blessing in the darkness, many other blessings will also come to light – new support, new dreams to be fulfilled, new ways to connect to your divine inner guidance and God-given worth. In you is something infinitely greater than whatever you are experiencing. This light will always be within you, even during and after the most traumatic moments of your life. Narcissists assume that they can break us down and destroy us, but the truth is, they can never destroy us. Despite the damage they inflict, we are stronger than them; heart, mind, and soul. As broken as you may feel right now, there is something within each and every one of you reading this book that is stronger than their abuse. It is that part of you that knows you want to survive and thrive. It is that part of you that you must connect to before you give up hope for a better life. It is that part of you that will allow you to transcend their destruction and recreate yourself, more victorious than ever. Your desire for knowledge and healing is just the beginning and it is a calling for something greater. You don’t belong in the shadows where you’ve been forced to hide. You deserve to be in the light with full force. Your destiny is tied to recognizing your worth and how utterly valuable you are to this world. You have so much to give and you no longer have to sacrifice yourself for the needs of another person ever again. You deserve to be seen and heard. No matter who you are and where you are at this point of your life, you can always use the worst experiences of your life as the key to your best victories. Life after narcissistic abuse is filled with miracles – you just have to be ready to reach out and let them in.”

        Arabi, Shahida. Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself (Kindle Locations 550-563). Self-Care Haven. Kindle Edition.

      • Liz says:

        Hi Sharon!

        Thanks so much for sending me the name of this book. I am going to purchase HG’s FUEL, and then I will read this other book you suggested. I am still intrigued by everything, so I’m curious to read FUEL to see what it is the ex-MM gained from me. But, I also know I need to heal which is why the second book will be helpful. Thanks again 🙂

        I’m doing alright, but have my moments. Yesterday night, for example, I couldn’t sleep. I am still in shock about everything I have learned about the ex-MM in the past month or so. Sometimes I feel like I am grieving a death — a death of a person who I thought I knew. What I felt for him was so genuine and real, and to think that none of it meant anything to him, is a very tough pill to swallow. Despite knowing all of the terrible things I have learned about him, sometimes I get this wave of intense love for him when I remember how I once felt and who I believed him to be. I always remind myself that I deserve better though and pick myself up.

        Thanks again Sharon. How have you been doing with everything?

  97. Sharon says:

    Whether any of us wants to believe it or not, the chances of our MM being a Narcissist is extremely high. Granted, not all cheaters are Narcissists, but all Narcissists are cheaters. Just the simple fact that we were involved with helping them to cheat means we were involved in a dysfunctional relationship. So for that reason alone, we all need to educate ourselves as to why we got involved with these “boys” in the first place. We need to find out how we got entangled with them, why we stayed entangled with them for as long as we did, and how we can become free from their soul sucking webs.

    These books are inexpensive and worth every penny charged. You can also go to the website listed above and just get started reading his blogs. Anywhere you start is a good start, but just keep moving forward. Stop looking back because the truth is, there really was nothing there to begin with and the sooner you realize that, the sooner then you can accept it, and the quicker your mind, heart and soul will come back to who you truly are and what you sincerely want in your life. Good Luck Always – XO 🙂

  98. Anne says:

    After reading this article and the comments, I am sitting here with my mouth open in disbelief. I feel like I actually wrote most of these. I have been involved with someone for three years. I was married for 12 years and have been divorced for 13. I have two sons who are my life. I became involved with this man thinking it would be a brief fling. I turned into so much more. Rather than go into great detail about falling in love, the affection I had not received since my divorce, etc., I can honestly say I thought we would be together. He even planned it out. Finally, last year, I called him out on the promises, and the script changed. He told me he loved me more than ever, however, he would not leave his daughter for anyone, even me. He made me feel guilty for even mentioning it. He asked me how I would feel if he asked me to walk away from my kids. I was not asking him to walk away from his daughter. I was asking him to leave his miserable marriage (his words) and be with me. Needless to say, I stayed. He has met my family. They like him but not the situation. My children figured out he was married (damn social media). The other night, my one boy told me I was the best mother and person he knew. He asked me why I didn’t see I deserved more. My son. My baby. I felt like a fool. I am a fool. I have tried to break it off before. After reading this forum, this is the first time I have deleted all numbers. He has been to my home and job before, but to be honest, I do not believe he will come to either demanding what happened. I will not entertain going back unless he is single. I just know now that I am very rarely happy. I do not deserve this. I am missing out on the joy of everyday life. Thank you all for sharing your situations.

    • Liz says:

      Hi Anne,

      I had the exact same reaction when I read the many posts on this site. I felt like I was the one writing them because of how similar my situation was to other women’s situation. What I have come to realize is that our “relationships” with these men are not unique. They are most often than not, classic textbook cases of being involved with a narcissist. My ex-Married Man came across as confident, comfortable in his skin, charismatic, and made me feel like I was the only person in the room. We had an intense connection from the beginning. I was even in a serious relationship for several years during the time I met my ex-MM. I never, ever thought I would end up with him because he was married, but I knew if I had such strong feelings for him, I could not be with my boyfriend any longer. I ended it with him after 5 years. This is how intense my feelings and connection was with him.

      What I’ve now realized is that my ex-MM did not love me like he said. He also told me that the reason he hadn’t left was solely because of his daughter. He made me feel guilty at times for asking him to leave. He once said to me, “I wish you had children yourself sometimes so that you would understand my position.” The reality is, if he loved me, and if your MM loved you, THEY WOULD LEAVE AND CO-PARENT THEIR CHILD. These men would not be the first men in history to get a divorce and still be an active, loving parent to their child. It is all excuses. They have no intention of ever leaving their wives, and will live in their miserable situation and bring everyone else down around them.

      Anne, you said that if he is single, then you would consider going back. I truly hope for your sake that even if he is single one day, that you don’t go back to him. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I felt the same way about my ex-MM. But now I can see that being a narcissist is who he is, and that will never change. Your son is right that you deserve more. We all do. Even their wives deserve better! But they are probably so entangled in their lies, control, and manipulations, just as we once were. You are also not a fool. It is easy to fall victim to these kinds of people.

      I deleted my ex-MM from my phone too, but he was still able to reach me. It was only until I blocked him that I have not heard from him (for now). Sharon, who also comments on this site, referred us to a site (narcsite.wordpress.com), and I learned that these types of men usually try and entangle us back in their web. I hope yours leaves you alone, and you can move on with your life.

      One thing I realized when I was with him was that I was never truly happy. As much as I believed I loved him, enjoyed his company, and was attracted to him, everything was based on a lie. We could not go out in public or meet each other’s friends, family, etc. If a man really loved you, would he put you through this? He wouldn’t. He would want better for you. At the very least, he would have enough respect for you AND his family to leave one situation and try and make it work.

      • Sharon says:

        Liz, I love reading your posts. You’re always speaking my language and I hope between the two of us, we can continue to get the word out about who these men (or women) really are. They’re nothing but evil. They prey on good people who are giving, compassionate and loving, and they ultimately suck it all out of us. They essentially take over, control, and steal our hearts, minds, bodies and souls and they need to be stopped in their tracks.

        So proud of you, Liz! XO 🙂

      • Sharon says:

        Liz, a while back you asked me if dealing with all this has gotten easier for me. I really need you to know that it has gotten easier, but I truly believe it’s because I’ve chosen to educate myself and I’m willing to see my circumstances from an entirely different perspective now. I sense that’s what’s happening with you now, as well. I know times are still tough, there are times that are still tough for me too, but I know you’ve come a long way. Just in the words you shared with Anne – “Up until a couple of weeks ago, I felt the same way … but now I can see that being a narcissist is who he is, and that will never change” – tells me how much you’ve grown and I bet you can even feel it now too. 🙂

        Liz, I wanted to ask if you got a chance to purchase “HG Tudor’s” book on Amazon, “No Contact – How to Beat the Narcissist”? It’s a very informative book and I really think it would help answer a lot of your questions.

        The one thing I’ve been struggling with lately, is just getting him out of my head. HG Tudor referred another one of his books to me, which is, “Exorcism – Purging the Narcissist from heart and soul”. I’m just starting to read it now and already I like what I’m reading.

        Liz, continue taking care of yourself first. XO 🙂

      • Liz says:

        Hi Sharon,

        Great to hear from you ☺ No, I have not yet purchased HG’s book, but I do plan on it. To be honest, I had to take a break for a few days from reading as I began to feel overwhelmed by everything I have learned in the last couple of weeks. At times it is so difficult and bewildering to think that the person who I thought I knew so well, is really not that person at all. This thought actually scares me sometimes because it makes me realize that essentially he is a stranger I actually began to see the counselor that I was seeing throughout this whole ordeal, and speaking to her today helped. If I only knew at the beginning that falling for this man was going to turn my world upside down! My advice to all women who face a similar situation: RUN AND RUN FAST!

        I know exactly what you mean about not being able to get your ex-MM out of your head. Mine creeps into my head constantly. I sometimes even dream about him and wake up unsettled. I could not sleep properly for several nights either, just thinking about my entire situation, and coming to grips with who he is in reality. It’s very sad actually. It’s like I’m mourning the loss of the person who I believed he was. To come to the realization that this person is a narcissist is a difficult thing to do. On the other hand, it is probably the only thing that has let me let go of him.

        I have written to HG a few times and he is so thorough and honest. I really appreciate his advice too, and of course for you for directing me to his site. It has been eye-opening for sure.

        Liz ☺

      • Sharon says:

        Hi Liz,

        I know exactly what you mean by needing to take a break from all the things you’ve been learning. I’ve had to do the same thing.

        It’s so insanely crazy how these married men have caused so much damage without us even knowing it at the time? It’s truly mind-boggling to think how easy it was for them to brainwash us to the point of needing counseling. Liz, I am so happy knowing you’ve sought out counseling for this because it is absolutely a big deal. It is life altering and if there’s one positive I found in all of this, it’s that I’ve learned a lot about myself and why it is I was targeted and trapped. We’ve both been through a nightmare, more so than most people can ever imagine, and sometimes the only way out, is with the help of a professional. I’m not the type of person who relies on counseling to get through my life, but with this situation, I had no choice. I’ve been involved with counseling for the last 6 months and I’m happy to say that just last week, I told my counselor, “I think I’m good to go every couple of months now”. I truly feel like I’m in a much better place now, a place where if the MN does come back, he won’t be getting an ounce of my time, emotions, energy or fuel. I will look through him like the ghost that he is and walk the other way.

        Liz, I sincerely hope more women become enlightened by the knowledge we now have because living the lives we were just wasn’t healthy, period. I too wish every day that I would have known 5 years ago what I know now. We truly did give all of ourselves to complete strangers and you’re absolutely right, it’s extremely saddening. I just want you to keep doing what you’ve been doing because you deserve to be happy again.

        Sharon XO 🙂

      • Liz says:

        Hi Sharon,

        I feel the exact same way about HG. I actually sent him a message yesterday and asked him if he was “over” being a narcissist. It seems contradictory that he is a narcissist, yet is helping people through his site. He replied and said he is not “over” it, and directed me to read a few articles on his story. Actually, by you posting his site and various articles, it has helped me immensely to see my “relationship” with my ex-MM for what it really was, and who he really is. Although it can be overwhelming at times, it has been so worth it for me to read his blog and articles.

        I’m so happy to hear that you can shorten the time you see your counselor! That is a huge accomplishment in itself. When I saw mine yesterday, she asked me on a scale of 1-10, how ready I was to let go of him. I said 10. She told me that when I came in several months ago, I was around a 1. I took that as a good sign 🙂 It’s funny, my ex-MM found out that I was seeing a counselor. He asked me where I was and I said an appointment. When he probed and found out, he told me that he felt bad that our situation led us me to having to seek professional help. A week later, he told me he didn’t like that I was seeing her. When I asked him why, he said he didn’t know. Now I realize because he was probably afraid of being exposed, and that would also mean a lack of control if I left the relationship.

        I hope you continue to improve, Sharon! I’m sure in time, he will even be squashed from your thoughts 🙂

        Liz

    • Sharon says:

      Wow, Anne! Just reading your post brought tears to my eyes because I feel through your words that what I’ve been trying to express over the last few weeks, and with the amazing help of Liz & Forever Waiting, has actually been worth sharing. I always said, if I could help just one person from having to go through the experience I did for nearly 5 years, and in the end find that you meant absolutely nothing to the MM, then it’s more than worth my time to help.

      Anne, I am so happy for, and proud of, you for seeing the truth for what it is, but more than that, wanting to change things to make life right for you. I’m glad we could make a difference – Always remember and never forget – You absolutely deserve more! XO 🙂

  99. Sharon says:

    Liz, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to read that you’re seeing things more clearly. If this man wanted to reach you, there would be absolutely nothing that would stop him, period. The reason he’s not contacting you is because he’s punishing you with the silent treatment, for bruising his ego and criticizing him. With everything you’ve said so far (being a hypocrite towards his wife and future faking with a wedding dress), it definitely sounds like he’s a Narc. My ex-MN used to always tell me too, how he couldn’t wait until he could meet and spend time with my grandkids (he never really mentioned or asked about my kids). He also talked constantly about how he couldn’t wait to come home to me every night, and how “perfect” everything would be for us, once we could be together. They are true masters at future faking

    Liz, it’s really hard for me to say you’re in denial because what you really are is just confused. You’re at a point where you’re just trying to make sense of everything, yet nothing seems to ever make sense when it comes to these men. All I can say is, trust in yourself because you’re making huge progress and the more you keep asking questions and educating yourself, the more you’ll see very clearly how he actually did do everything intentionally. I think that’s the hardest part to overcome, seeing him through the fantasy he built for you and seeing him in reality. It’s so hard to think of all the beautiful memories we shared, yet knowing that none of it meant anything to him, which is why it’s also so hard to see him as even being human. I guess that’s the meaning of the mask though.

    My advice to you now is to just keep on keeping on. Keep moving forward and living “your” life! XO 

    • Liz says:

      Hi Sharon,

      Thanks so much for the reply. I truly appreciate all your insight, and like I mentioned before, these posts seem to give me courage when I need it.

      I read your other post on “the wife”, and once again, your situation is all too familiar to me. I know my ex-MMs wife, and she often seems cold, miserable, and frustrated. I used to wonder before how someone who had a him as a husband and a beautiful daughter could be so unhappy. Well now it’s all starting to come together. I feel terrible for having been a part of adding to her misery, and now I face the challenge of trying to forgive myself one day for what I helped cause. I realize now that I am not the only one who deserves better in this situation, so does she! A friend once told me that she believes that no one will ever be good enough for him, and that’s probably why he’s never been in a happy, healthy relationship before. Boy was she right.

      I’m still having a hard time facing the truth that the ex-MM is a Narc. From everything I have been reading (and thank you for sending the links because I am taking them to heart), I just can’t deny that he has too many similarities to one. I still think to myself that I am the one who blocked him from my phone, so maybe he is just respecting what I want, which is to move on. On the other hand, I can’t help but think, if I truly was the love of his life like he claimed, wouldn’t me blocking him from my phone be the fire under him that made him sort out his life so he can be with me? It’s all very hurtful, upsetting, and confusing. The sad part is, I would know his response: “you told me not to contact you”, “you’re the one who blocked me out of your life”, “I knew this wouldn’t move fast enough for you so I had to let you go”, “I was respecting your wishes”. His behaviour and responses are too predictable.

      When I told him I was going to block him from my phone, he threw a hissy fit. Despite the fact that I was very angry at him, I told him I would put that aside, and I wished him well. I told him that I wanted him to be happy in life and that I hoped he sorted things out with his family. He was cold to me and didn’t even say goodbye. I don’t know how he sleeps at night. No matter how angry and hurt I was, I didn’t want the last conversation I potentially had with him was to be one filled with yelling and hurtful comments. I feel as though now that he has no one use for me and I am not providing him with whatever gratification he was receiving from me, I am now discarded. Of course, he would tell me that he never wanted it to be like this, but he had no choice because I blocked him.

      I will keep trying my best to move forward. It’s been 3 weeks today since I have seen him….the longest I have ever gone since this started. I guess that’s a step in the right direction.

      • Sharon says:

        Liz,
        I will tell you right now … everything you just said in regard to what your ex’s response would be is exactly what will happen. I’m not sure if you noticed that everything you said included you blaming yourself, as well as him blaming you. The only thing you need to change in the way of your thinking is “THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT”!!! Yes, you did block him, but you needed to and he’s definitely not leaving you alone out of respect for what you want. If he truly respected what you wanted, he would’ve left his wife immediately after realizing he was in love with you, instead of making you wait year after year after year. He’s leaving you alone now because you’re no longer allowing him to play with you like his toy puppet. He’s leaving you alone because he’s pouting that you didn’t give him his way, again. He’s leaving you alone and THANK GOD HE IS!!!

        I’ll be honest with you, this crappy way of thinking is going to go back and forth for you for a long time, but just remember, you did nothing to deserve what he’s put you through. He’s played with your heart, your mind, your soul and your life long enough and if he does come back and says “you told me not to contact you”, “you’re the one who blocked me out of your life”, etc., etc., etc., … he just put all the blame on you and took no responsibility for his own actions. In a way, now that you know what you do, his behavior and responses being predictable are actually a blessing in disguise for you.

        Liz, I can’t begin to tell you how proud I am of you. Three weeks is a damn long time when he was, at one time, a huge part of your everyday life. I will never forget knowing the pain and confusion you’re still feeling at this point, but I promise you, you’re absolutely going in the right direction and you will continue getting stronger and stronger in time. I will never say he will be gone completely because he will always be a thought in your mind and a twinge in your heart. To this day (6 mos. after discard), at times, I still feel a deep flutter of love for my ex-MN, but I’ve also banned myself from dwelling on any of the emotions I once felt for him. Once I was finally able to accept the fact that his love wasn’t true for me, the way mine was for him, it made letting go of him a lot easier. XO 🙂

      • Liz says:

        Sharon, you just hit the nail on the head for me: “If he truly respected what you wanted, he would’ve left his wife immediately after realizing he was in love with you.” When I used to tell him that if he loved me he would leave, he would always give me the same response: “This is not about me and her. This is about me and my daughter, and breaking her heart and shattering the life she knows. You don’t get that!” He would at times throw it in my face that I couldn’t understand his position because I don’t have children. You are right that I need to stop blaming myself, but a part of me is just in disbelief that the last time we spoke he was such a jerk to me and that will most likely be the last time we spoke to one another. I couldn’t sleep if I knew that the last time I spoke to someone, I yelled at them and did not even say goodbye. It would eat me up inside.

        It kills me to know that he will stay and be with her in every way. After everything, all the promises, all the future plans, and he stays put. It seems so unfair. A part of me just wants to ream him out, but I know this would be playing right into his hands.

        Do you think it’s possible to move on from a Narc? As angry as I am with him, I still have a hard time thinking about being with anyone else, or even wanting it. I sometimes worry about my own future as I want children and don’t have all the time in the world to have them, but just don’t know how I can move 100% forward from this.

        Sharon, even though this is a blog, your responses are so genuine and so human. You really are a kind and caring person. Thanks for always responding.

      • Sharon says:

        Thank you, Liz, for your sweet, kind words and I will always respond to anyone who’s sincere about wanting help, and I know you are. I know none of what we’ve been through has been easy and if I can help make the transition a little more bearable for someone else, I will. I will never forget how devastated I was after I was discarded so abruptly. I was just like you, I couldn’t believe that someone could sleep peacefully at night after saying all the things that were said to me, just the night before, and then up and disappear without a single goodbye. I could never do that to anyone, let alone the person I loved so deeply with all of my heart and soul. Thankfully, I understand now though that he never did think of me the way I thought of him, and he never had the same goals and love for us the way I had.

        Liz, try to remind yourself that, regardless of whether or not your ex-MM is with his wife, he is not in love with her either. He will continue cheating on her and he will do to the next woman as he has done with you. Remind yourself that he will never change because he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with himself. He will always make reasons and excuses for why he does what he does.

        As far as answering your question about moving on from a Narc, I think it all depends on each individual person and what they consider “moving on” to mean to them. For me, I’ve moved past the point of bewilderment, heartache, devastation and anger, but I’m not so sure I can ever meet anyone again without seeing red flags where there may not be any. Like you, I’m not so sure I can ever love anyone again the way I loved him. I gave all of myself, to the core of my soul, and honestly, I don’t think I can ever do that again, for anyone. I’m 52 and barely learning what I truly am now (a super empathy) and my kind tends to automatically attract and be attracted to Narcissists. As I look back on my life, I’ve dealt with more than my share, but this dude takes the cake. He ensnared me in the worst way imaginable and I’m just to the point where I really don’t care if I meet anyone ever again, and if I do, I will handle myself in a completely different manner than what I’ve done before. I will take care of number one … Me.

        As for you, and still wanting children, you have to think of your future, and you have to go into it, think of yourself first. You have to decide what your boundaries are and don’t let anyone change them, no matter what. You have to know what your needs are, but you also have to watch out for those dreaded red flags. Liz, you have a great chance of meeting someone new and better, and when you do, you’ll know whether or not you’re ready to move on.

        Just a side note: He used his daughter because he knew it would keep his game intact for years, whereas he couldn’t make it about his wife because then he’d have to make a choice. Since he never planned on making a choice, his daughter turned out to be a great minion for him, in disguise.

        Continue taking care of you XO 🙂

      • Forever Waiting says:

        Sharon and Liz,

        Thanks for all the posts (and everyone else), it’s really helping me too as we have mentioned before, our situations are so eerily similar thus proving all the AM/MN & MMs out there spin us the same lies. it’s such a huge eye opener, I’m still in shock I’m not the only one!.

        Like Liz’s married man using his daughter, my attached man has never been able to do that as he left his first wife and 2/3 yr old, so he has always used his business – his business he should have dropped when he realised he wanted me 3 years ago (so he said). He has tied himself up even more and seems to thinking spending all day with his gf is normal and would be for the future. Of course I realise now there never was a future so he has spent 4 years carrying on with his life as it would have been without me on the scene – all our MMs etc have done exactly this. Carried on with their lives as normal, whilst turning ours upside down and creating extremely lonely, sad and very depressing times. The saying about the highg are high and the lows are lows is so spot on -there is never ever any balance as there can’t be

        And its very true regarding his wife having it all – she has NOTHING and less than we did!. You need to think at least we can walk away from this, their wives and gfs are lying next to them night after night not knowing what a disgusting cheating lying Narc they have in their bed, and worse as children are involved, one day things will crack, and I feel very sorry for them as we’re set free, they aren’t. I’d rather be me and walk away/him ignore me than the woman doing his washing, cooking, childcare, working flat out on the business (he’s a bully when it comes to that after all his business stories, I can see why the ex wife went mad in the end) then returning home to clean and iron his clothes….can you imagine how she feels or would do? At least we got the fun bit BUT it’s not fair on either of us. I realise after 4 years my AM constantly running his gf down is just a way for me to feel sorry for him, I can tell you something, I would be JUST like her if I had to put up with him too. I’ve seen his nasty side and it’s probably like that a lot at home, of course he blames her. I do feel sorry for her but as you all probably understand is I need to focus on me, and looking after myself, stop investing all my energy and mind into him and asking why?what? how? why me? why lie? as there are no answers.

        Hope you’re doing well Liz after the 3 weeks, just remember, nothing will change, and even if you contact him, he’ll message back, you’ll feel happy, then angry…then sad with a heavy heart all over again. I really enjoy speaking to you all on here, thank you so so much for helping me through such a confusing time. I’m now 38 and time is running out, but i’d rather be with no children then have 1, secretly, with someone so messed up, that’s not a life for anyone.

      • Liz says:

        Hi Sharon,

        Thanks for the reply and the links 🙂 I have visited HG’s website and have written to him on the blog. He has replied with so much detail, and his answers are 100% truthful. It was hard for me to read his response, but I know he’s right that I was definitely with a narcissist. I have actually found comfort in that site though, because I see more and more how common our situation is. It’s sad, on the one hand, because you want to believe that your relationship was different, but it’s a dose of reality which is needed.

        I hate to think that my ex-MM used his daughter as a scapegoat. What type of callous person would use their own child to get what they want! It’s disgusting.

        Sharon, I have been reading about super empaths and have realized that I am also one. It scares me to think that I was actually targeted by this Narc. I truly believed that what we had was so special and rare, and now I’m realizing that it was a ploy. I’m sure there are some people reading this that think their relationship is different, but when you’re in a relationship with a Narc, it isn’t. They are such good actors that they can actually make you believe anything.

        Has dealing with this gotten easier for you with time, Sharon? HG told me that my ex-MM will reach out to me again at some point. It actually worries me now to think of that. He scares me because he was not the person who I thought…he’s a chameleon.

        Forever Waiting,

        I’m glad that you’re getting comfort from this site. To be honest, I would have gone back to my ex-MM if I did not stumble upon this site. It has given me the courage to say ‘I’m better than this’. I hope that you can also move on from this and give yourself the time to heal. I am still very early in this process, but knowing other women understand what I’m going through helps. At the end of the day, these men would have never made us happy. Being a Narc is who they are, and there is an ugly, ugly side to them. I really hope you can visit the site that Sharon suggested to us.

        Good luck!

    • Koala says:

      My MM still hasn’t bothered trying to get in touch, it’s been two months now since he last messaged me. It is absolutely killing me to think that after four years he can just F off and carry on with his own life like I never existed! It’s not even like we argued like he just stopped talking for a week and then sent me that stupid message trying to make it look like he was waiting for me to speak when it was him who stopped! Can’t believe he hasn’t chased me or anything like how can he just NOT care. Two months and I’m still pining for him why do I feel so down all the time why hasn’t he bothered trying to get in touch with me it’s killing me 🙁 he’s just moved on and forgotten about me and I’m just stuck here thinking of him.

      • Sharon says:

        Koala,
        I am so sorry you’re still struggling with the confusion of all that has happened, but it’s to be expected after all you’ve been through with him. It honestly breaks my heart to read what you said in regard to him not chasing after you, because I know the type of person you’re dealing with. I just want you to be open to the possibility that this man is not the man you thought he was and that’s the reason why he doesn’t care. Honestly, Koala, what he’s done and what he’s doing now has absolutely nothing to do with you or love. It has everything to do with him only being true to himself and his own needs.

        A piece of advice that I’d like to give you is something you have to do in your own time. It took me a total of 6 months, but little by little I got rid of anything my ex-MN gave to me and each time I did, I felt just a little bit better. After the first couple of months, I finally felt like I could throw away all the cards and music CD’s (Narcs love to give music) he gave to me, then a couple of months after that I threw away his t-shirts and odd things he gave to me. Just a few weeks ago I sold the necklaces he gave me to a pawn shop and I seriously feel like my surroundings are now cleansed of him.

        As I said to Liz above, it will take a long time (if ever) before he leaves your mind, but if you can just come to terms with the fact that he is not who he said he was, you will only get stronger and stronger. As I’ve said before, we each have our own process to go through, but keep taking it a day at a time, and don’t get down on yourself. XO 🙂

      • Liz says:

        Hi Koala,

        I hope you can get to a place where you realize that you deserve better than this. The main reason why I blocked my Married Man from my phone is because I knew that I was deserving of a relationship that was not secretive and based on lies. If someone loves you enough, they absolutely would make it work. It has been a very hard time for me, but I keep myself busy with friends, work, and hobbies that I enjoy. It’s not easy, but it at least helps. You may not be close to even ready for this, but maybe open yourself up to the possibility of going on a date. I am forcing myself just to meet new people because I have to believe he’s not the only guy out there. Maybe try doing the same and see how it goes.

        After I blocked my ex-MM, I have not heard a word from him. As hard as it used, remind yourself that if he truly loved you, he would have never put you in this situation to begin with.

      • Forever Waiting says:

        Hi Kaola,

        I’ve replied to some messages in here last Friday but they still haven’t updated.

        Just wanted to say I’ve been through the same and going through it now. Had a good chatty week on and off but I get down on Saturdays and my AM didn’t even check his phone Friday evening. I replied to his last Friday afternoon texts saying ‘yes will have a lovely time, have fun with family and your laptop'(he works from home and I was off for a ramble and night at a spa hotel…not far from him and something I should be doing with HIM after ALL THESE YEARS! almost 4 like you!)

        Anyway, He hasn’t replied to the Saturday text or past few days asked if I enjoyed my walk. But, he keeps checking 3-6 times a day…HE has not replied yet I’m sure he is waiting for more substance from me!!!. So like you’ve first mentioned, my AM has stopped talking! And this is the controlling Narc part….the last text wasn’t to his satisfaction so he is holding out until I give in and send him something more substantial…absolute control freak!! And as H G Tudors advice says its about getting fuel from us…he didn’t get it…now I’m being punished with the silent treatment and he wants a better more loving text from me! He did this weekend before last, on a Saturday, by Sunday 24 hours later I couldn’t understand why he hadn’t replied (again I said have fun with family hope the daughters had fun swimming) – but he doesn’t want to talk about that. I text him and sent photos of me at the circus with my Dad…suddenly he is texting all day. Why? because I was back in fantasy land of his and not speaking about his daughters and real home life. Future faker….liar…controller…Narc…he keeps proving to me more and more.

        So, out heart and soul into online dating….yeh I keep checking if he has been online but whats the point? he has no time to see me and I’m not interested until he’d left his gf (I don’t expect this to ever happen though). I’ve no yearn to see him as suddenly, after almost 4 years, I’m suddenly SICK TO the core of waving him goodbye and knowing an hour later he is home with his partner and gf. NO MORE!

        Good luck and stay strong we are here for you. I keep reading Sharons posts over and over again and I’m in less denial now. Worst thing for me is wasting 4 precious years and even thinking about IVF with a guy who can’t commit to ANYONE!.

  100. Sharon says:

    All,

    I decided to make this comment because I’ve read so many posts about “the wife” being the problem (obstacle, barrier, etc.) and why he won’t leave for us … “the one” he truly loves … supposedly.

    I would like to share my experience with “The Wife”. I never knew her personally; however, I know of her. I know what she looks like and I know her demeanor. I know she isn’t friendly, she’s not outgoing, and she’s definitely not very sociable. She’s been this way for as long as I’ve know who she was. I’ve known her for approx. 15 years because I’ve worked in the same building as her and her husband (my boss/the ex-Narc). They both held top positions (he no longer works there … thank God!) and are financially comfortable. They have no children together, however, his son (25 yrs – prev. marriage) lives with them. I discovered they were married shortly after he became my boss. I never really thought anything about her, or their marriage, other than they seemed kind of strange together. I wasn’t the only one who perceived them this way, others in the building did as well. Every time they were around one another, they were very businesslike, and very professional. The only thing was, it seemed to be a bit over the top. Their relationship did not come across as though they even liked each other . Every time, and every day, they’d leave or come into the building together, they’d walk 3′ away from each other, neither of them talking, and both of them walking like soldiers.

    My belief now is that the married man I fell in love with, and whom I believed fell in love with me, loves absolutely no one but himself. I believe, to the very core of me, he has destroyed many lives. I believe that everything he ever told me about his wife was true, but not because she wanted it to be that way. I believe she started out just like you and I (empathetic, sympathetic, loving and giving), but ultimately he’s destroyed her heart, her soul and her life. I believe she fell for a charming man, who made her feel like the greatest woman on this earth, just like he did me. I believe he made her promises and told her everything she wanted to hear, just as he did me. I believe he married her, then turned her world upside down, just as he did mine. I believe he’s the one who turned her into what she is today. I believe, because he failed to keep his promises and was always looking for someone newer and shinier, she just gave up. I believe she’s lost in his dysfunctional world and has become cold, distant, unemotional, uncaring, untrusting and unsociable. I believe this is the only way she knows how to survive it’s the reason she won’t look most people in the eyes. I believe she’s afraid everyone else can see the reality she’s living and she does whatever it takes to protect herself. I believe she’s lost her soul to that evil creep (the one I thought I loved) and trusts absolutely nothing, other than what he has her believing.

    If there is one thing, I am the most remorseful for, it’s that I was able to be played as his pawn. He used me to help take his wife down further into the pit of hell (how well I know how that place feels and can’t even imagine what she’s been through and will go through until the day she leaves or dies) than she already was. He humiliated her, demeaned her and ridiculed her for years before I became entangled in his fantasy life. It makes me sick to think how I participated in anything having to do with helping him to destroy her, but I need to say, I will never regret the valuable lessons I learned from going through this experience. I know because of this experience I will never, in my life, have another affair and I will never again fall prey to someone as conning and manipulative as the ex-MN. .

    If there is one thing I’d like to ask each one of you, it would be to search for, and discover, your truth. Open yourselves up to really review what it is you’ve been participating in (no judgement here at all) and ask yourselves how you can move above and beyond where you’ve been, where you are now, and where you want to be. Ask yourselves, honestly, if the wife is really the problem or if you’ve been the minion (Narc’s helper) who’s been brainwashed into helping to make her jealous, crazy and miserable. I think once we see our own truth, we’ll know the answer to that question. Good luck to each of you! XO 🙂

    • Koala says:

      I’ve found that people just don’t understand. Not unless they’ve been having an affair they just simply don’t understand. I get told to just stop thinking about him and move on and I think well I’m trying to????? Literally seeing my MM gave me the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. The ones I’ve never felt in any other relationship. I’ll be honest. I’m in my mid twenties and he’s in his early sixties. I guess a lot of people would think what on earth was I playing at. He’s been married about 40 years. A part of me thinks how can I have any right to be sad when he was with her before I was even born. But yet I just pine for him even though I knew it wasn’t right. I have so much love for him it kills me. My friends used to be adamant he would come back, saying he’ll never find anyone like you who wants him. But he hasn’t come back. Been over two months now so why am I still hoping? He’s probably forgotten all about me and I just can’t. And no one understands and it’s so frustrating!! There’s few people I can talk to because I know people would think it was so wrong with the age gap but it never felt wrong. I never sat with him thinking jeez you’re old. When I was with him nothing else mattered, and when I wasn’t… Everhthing mattered. Feeling extremely down at the moment sort of given up on myself just feel completely rubbish.

      • Sharon says:

        Koala, age doesn’t matter if you’ve fallen in love. What I would really like you to do is to “try” and see things from a different perspective. As I’ve said before, not too many us who have been deeply in love like yourself, can ever imagine that these married men are anything less than the best. But, to get through this and to get over it, you need to accept the fact that your married man was less than he claimed to be. I hate saying it, but you will never move on if you don’t face the truth. I posted the name of two short ebooks you can purchase from Amazon.com for $5 each and they get to the truth of the matter.

        The first book is called: No Contact, How to Beat the Narcissist

        The second book is: Exorcism, Purging the Narcissist from Heart and Soul.

        I would suggest, in your case, starting with the second book because it’s filled with the reasons why you can’t get him out of your thoughts and heart. I haven’t finished it completely yet, but I’m already in awe how the author describes what’s been done to us and why it’s so important to exorcise them from our lives.

        Koala, I can’t express enough how important it is to read up on the possibility of your Married Man being a Narc. Even if you don’t believe he is one, just realize that you were in a dysfunctional relationship and the only way you’re going to break free from it is to enlighten yourself with the truth. Good luck, Koala! <3

      • Koala says:

        Sharon,

        Even though I’m in a difficult place at the moment I just want to say thank you.
        Because you seem such a lovely person constantly trying to help people and from my personal experience there’s few people like you out there.
        I’m not sure how anyone could treat you like crap because you just seem so lovely!
        What gets me is that like most people on here state their MM vowed to be with them and said they loved them but mine never.
        He told me he was happily married he didn’t want to leave her. He told me once he’d never tell me if he loved me and when I once asked him he was like no I don’t f**cking love you! And then he’d Be like I can’t tell you what you want to hear bla bla it would ruin his life if he fell for me etc etc
        More fool me eh 🙁

        I’m trying to keep myself preoccupied and I’m not checking his Facebook every five minutes of each day now, I try not to at all but sometimes I succumb.

        All of you on here are such strong women and I admire you all. Big hugs to the lot of ya. X

  101. Forever Waiting says:

    I’ve replied above but the part out of Sharon’s write up to Liz that hits home is this:

    ‘The thing about a Greater Narc is that they have all the patience in the world and no real need to rush into anything until they know without a doubt that it’s going to benefit them. They are extremely observant and very aware of all things happening and taking place. They are masters at manipulation and brainwashing’

    They DO have the patience….wow the MM’s are amazing with us!! but yep no real rush…I hardly text my AM…he is as calm as anything, he wasn’t that bothered (although he says otherwise) when I stopped texting him for 2 weeks! And the observant part hits home…that is SO true, he observes EVERYTHING I do and say….luckily that goes both ways and I can pick holes in the simple stuff he has said and text. As soon as he didn’t need my place…he stopped trying like he used too. As soon as I never replied, he stopped as well. He lies and says he felt like he lost his right arm – NOT ONCE did he try to get his right arm back or find out what had happened!. These are NOT the actions of a man that cares, he holds on for someone to lean on, but at this very moment he is happily at home with his daughters and partners, and will never EVER admit it.

  102. Forever Waiting says:

    Hi Sharon,

    I sent a reply to this and others earlier but then lost them!

    Wanted to say to EVERYONE:

    PLEASE ALL READ: Sharon’s reply to Liz >>> September 10, 2016 at 10:11 pm

    This sums up what most of us feel, from a love like no other, a connection we don’t even see our friends and families etc have…but it all comes to nothing. The whole reply is SPOT ON and sums pretty much all women and men in our position and our time with them week in week out (although now once a month for me now….oh how affairs with colleagues is just that!).

    As I’ve mentioned in one of my replies, there are exceptions and I’ve seen them, but they happened within 18mths. Peoples circumstances are different – but what a few of us are experiencing – Jane Doe, Liz, Need Strength and Sharon plus myself is; we all have the most AMAZING relationship with someone we utterly adore and they (seem to) think the absolute world of us. It seems we rock their world, we are their world, they tell us this, they look at us like we are the only important thing on this earth. We believe it – they make us believe we were the one and ONLY one, we are the one, they can’t live without us, they are doing ALL they can to leave…they will move heaven and earth for us but it takes time. They make us feel like the most beautiful person on earth, they praise everything and my AM says I’m perfect and beyond…….they even talk about us being step-parents to their kids, excitedly talk about us meeting their families and friends and say how much they will love us because we’re incredible in their eyes. They talk about us living together and making them complete…I’m told this constantly…that without me he is incomplete…..it makes me feel like NOTHING I’VE EVER FELT IN MY LIFE….OUT OF THIS WORLD LOVE ……so WHY oh WHY when we decide to let go…they do so easily, in fact, go silent?. If we WERE THEIR GIRLFRIEND/WIFE…they’d be banging on our door within 24 hours….if that!!

    The write up above I’ve mentioned is why…none is real, on our side yes, not their side (but not really real for us – we don’t know what these AM/MM really are…we see the fake person…the manipulative liar…the twister). It has got to the point I think my AM and I’m sure a lot of your MM really believe THEIR own lies!!! My AM just talks about us the same each year, and nothing changes! He is living in his own lie, his own fantasy i’m entangled in. He constantly talks about me moving in with him…almost 4 years…wow if in the ‘real’ world I’d have hoped to have moved in after 1 year…but to keep this illusion up, everything has to go on REPEAT….if you look back there are cycles…and every few months you’re having the same conversations, the same answers…and then REPEAT.

    Becaus of his temper, telling me his gf and ex-wife said he was a control freak and watching his behaviour over the years and the horrible way he can talk to me…he is a Narcissist…I wanted my revenge but read Sharon’s reply and thought Oops maybe not! Its not even revenge, I feel I need to help his poor gf that’s only my age to escape him! I don’t care how awful she is, how nasty she is supposed to be…how much she apparently ran him down and gave him low self esteem (so, he has a baby with her, buys and house and starts a business…she must be terrible! ;D ) – this poor other woman in his life deserves better herself. Yes maybe I’m thinking ‘ah he screws up precious years of my life I will do the same’- but she’s none the wiser whatever rubbish he has fed me!

    He was offering me the perfect life, I was envious his gf got it, but I’d rather be poor and sane and she stays in their beach size massive detached house with huge hot tub and sea views as I don’t have to put up with him!. He runs her down, but she does all the washing and ironing, keeps the home running and looks after both their daughter and his from the ex wife, i’m sorry, she doesn’t sound THAT bad as she also runs their business!

    Remember girls (and guys) – if the AM/MM treat us this BADLY before they have even left (if they ever do)….can you imagine what it’s like to actually live with a manipulative liar that cheats so so easily?. I bet it’s no fun, and not the amazing fantasy world they have us believe. A lucky escape is a better way to think – maybe he is really the booby prize?? Because I’m totally starting to think that now!

  103. Babs says:

    Hi, I’m lost. I’m a married woman having an affair with a married man. There aren’t false promises, there isn’t false commitment. I don’t believe he will leave her. Whilst I love the idea of being with, I equally feel intense pain at the idea. I’ve left married man many times but the longest was 4 days. The physical pain was crippling. I know it’s wrong. I know there are many who can get hurt. I know I need to stop but cant. I need help. My work is suffering, my health is suffering, my marriage was rough but I think it can be saved. MM told me his wife, who is a close friend (I’m an incredibly bad person), is suspecting something. The turning point for me was he painted me as insignificant when she questioned him. I realised how foolish and gullible I am being. Help…

    • Forever Waiting says:

      Hi Babs,

      I started seeing an attached man (almost 4 long years now) and I was chased and chased every time about 4 months down the line when I tried to end it. I was in a scary ‘relationship’ and suffered many hardships with my bf at the time whom I’d only been with a few years.

      To cut a long story short I left my ex 2.9 years ago and like you, then and now, my work suffers, I get ill, and now I don’t see the AM and don’t know what to say to him anymore as I feel incredibly used (see my initial post ‘Forever Waiting’ and many replies to people) I’m exhausted from the mental and sometimes physical impact. I wasn’t born to be used by anyone.

      If it is going nowhere, and the close friend means something to you, please end it. Putting his wife aside, I promise you things will only get worse, and whilst a good distraction from your marriage, it’s not going to help fix it or end it either way. I left my ex as my AM promised me we’d be, but look at me now…3 years on alone and fed up in the prime of my life, we’re even going through IVF…so very confusing. It’s not worth it it really isn’t.

      Just stop seeing him, going cold turkey is good but like with some relationships and what I’m doing now…start cutting down contact and meeting bit by bit if you can’t just cut off. Going No Contact is a great idea but we all handle things differently, so for me throwing breadcrumbs and hearing back, even 2 words once a day is helping me whilst I get my head straight(well, as straight as possible…I’m in utter shock at the moment it’s come to this and I realise he is a manipulative liar)

      I can honestly not tell you enough that things get worse and not better, don’t let the situation get more complex when you’re also close to his wife. Work out why you’d had this affair and really put effort into your marriage, and I don’t mean to save it, if you’ve had this affair it says a lot about your lack of true love for hour husband.
      Maybe you need to move on from both, something I should have done 3 years ago. They make us feel like their world, but as you’ve put above, he made out you were insignificant, these men will keep hurting us, don’t let him have that control. Good luck we’re here for you!

  104. Sharon says:

    All,

    I’ve been sharing a website (blog) for the last few weeks called narcsite.wordpress.com. This site “Knowing the Narcissist” (nearly 1.2 million followers) is owned and authored by an admitted Narcissist (HG Tudor) who was asked by his therapists to share what it’s like to be a Narcissist and who their main targets are to ensnare (cheat, entangle, entrap, mislead, hook, capture, snag, trick). Many of their targets are people like you and I and, for some reason, I can’t help but to try and help each one of you the best I can with what has worked for me. I’m not trying to push this site on anyone, it’s just that it’s filled with so much valuable, intriguing, educational and scary information – the same kind of information I keep reading about that many of you are asking for. I know for many of you, you’re not at a place yet to believe anything bad about your MM, and that’s okay, because we all have our own process time we need to go through before we finally decide to start caring for ourselves. It took me nearly 5 years and I wish I had known this stuff so much earlier in my life. All I’m trying to do, for any of you who are truly ready to see your life for what it is, is to shine a bit of light in the direction that will guide you to where I’ve been guided, which is a much more peaceful and happier place to be … even if it means being alone.

    With that said, I’m going to post this link:

    https://narcsite.wordpress.com/2016/09/08/the-super-empath/

    and hopefully it will bring insight to many of you looking for help and/or wondering why. This is just one blog HG Tudor has from an archive of many and I just felt like it was a good place for you to start. If I can also suggest, read the comments (there may be many) because you might recognize yourself in many of the people. Also, if you want to ask a question, you’ll get the most truthful answers you’ve probably had in a long time.

    Just one last note, I have been away from my Married Man for 6 months now and the three main sites that have been God sent to me are this site, the “Knowing the Narcissist” site and baggagereclaim.com. They are the only sites that have helped me through the most difficult days of my life, so if I can share them with whoever will listen, then that’s what I want and need to do. I just don’t want any man/woman having to go through the kind of pain I had to endure by staying in an affair relationship or any dysfunctional relationship for that matter. The bottom line is, we are not placed on this earth to be under anyone’s control and whether you think you’re being controlled or not, I’m here to tell you … YOU ARE!!! You deserve to live a happy and peaceful life and nothing will give you that until you start giving it to yourselves. XO 🙂

    • Liz says:

      I was with my MM for nearly a year. To say that I was in love with him is an understatement. We knew each other for several years prior to beginning this affair, and I always had a deep connection with him — a connection I had never felt with anyone else (even though I had serious relationships in the past).

      I spent the past year with him. In some ways, it felt like the best year of my life, and in other ways, it felt like the worst year of my life. The highs were high, and the lows were very low. At the beginning, I truly thought he would leave. He even spoke to his wife and told her that he did not see their relationship going anywhere and they should part ways. They even went to see homes for her to live in. I truly thought with everything I had that it would work out. But, time passed and nothing seemed to change. It seemed as though he was never fully ready to pull the plug, even though he made steps to get to that point. Of course, he had every excuse in the book: he couldn’t bear the thought of breaking his child’s heart and telling her he and his mother would no longer be together; he could never find the time to sit down and speak with her about how they would tell their daughter, or when they would tell her, because they seldom were home at the same time; or their child was around and they couldn’t have the conversation. The excuses just never ceased to end. His famous words to me were, “This will never most fast enough for you.”

      At the beginning I was very understanding, but towards the end, I grew more and more frustrated. I couldn’t call him when I wanted to, I saw him once or twice a week based on his schedule, we couldn’t go out in public together, he never met my friends and family, etc. I also told him I wanted a child if we were to end up together, but he said that he wasn’t sure if he wanted more children. He said that he would have a child with me if we were together and things were going well. I thought to myself, how could I live with this type of pressure? I would be walking on egg shells all the time, just to make sure that we were happy together and he would have the child. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how bull shit this was. It was like he dangled the thought of having a child in my face like a carrot.

      There were so many times that I said I was done with him, but somehow, I always went back. I had never had the courage to block him from my phone, and the thought made me too sad and too upset to even contemplate seriously. But, time after time, he would message me and I would be sucked right back in. I started to think to myself, for someone who says they love me so much, why would he continue to suck me back into this situation. Wouldn’t he want better for me? Wouldn’t he want to see me happy? Even if he loved me, wouldn’t he want me to be in a relationship with someone who is available to me and puts me first? Wouldn’t he want me to have the child that I’ve always wanted? And he knows how much I love children. Despite this, I couldn’t find it in me to leave him. It was only when a very difficult situation arose in my life and, not surprisingly, he was not able to be there for me, was I at a point where I could no longer take it. I thought to myself — this man tells me he sleeps in different areas of the house with her, he’s not in love with her, they don’t sleep together, they barely talk, he’s only there because of his daughter, etc., etc., then why the hell can’t he be with me if he loves me! I finally told myself that if I didn’t break free from this situation now, that I never would. I would end up spending years of my life with a man who in reality is never going to leave.

      I have to say thank you to Sharon for sharing her experience and directing us to these sites. I have blocked my MM from my phone, and every time I want to cave, I read her posts and it gives me strength to know I’m doing the right thing. A part of me feels like I will never have a connection like this again, but I also know that I would rather be alone than in this situation where I feel guilty, stifled, frustrated, sad, and unappreciated.

      My ex-MM was so angry when I told him I was blocking him from my phone. Sharon, I have to ask you, do you believe he too is a narcissist and controlling? It is so difficult for me to believe this about him because a part of me still cares for him so deeply. But after reading so many posts, and seeing how eerily similar many of our experiences are, I can’t help but wonder if what you say is true.

      Every day is a struggle. I usually feel like I want to curl up and cry in bed. I miss him terribly and wish that this was not the way things ended. But, life has to go on, and I think we all have to be grateful for the things that are going right in our lives. I pray everyday that God brings me someone who loves me enough to put me first, because God knows, I put the man I love first. I have to believe too, that when someone truly loves you and believes that you are the person they are destined to be with, THEY WOULD MAKE IT WORK. They would not let you walk out of their life. And the truth is, my ex-MM let me walk out of his life. Of course he turned it around on me and said that I was blocking him out my life and he would never do that to me because he loves me too much. I think we all have to remember that we are worth so much more than being someone’s “side chick”. My ex-MM would also get upset when I would refer to myself as his side chick. He would tell me that he doesn’t view me that way and thinks so much more of “us”. Well, the hard reality is, we are their side chicks. Unless they come home to us every night and we are the only woman in their life, we are not their priority.

      Sharon, any additional insight you can provide would be really appreciated! I hope every woman or man reading this can gain the strength to finally come to a point where you decide YOU DESERVE MORE. It’s hard as hell, trust me, I’m going through it right now. But try your hardest to believe that it will get better eventually.

      • Sharon says:

        Hi Liz,

        I know, all to well, what you mean when you say, being in love with your MM is an understatement. I was in the same situation (deeply in love) for nearly 5 years. We knew each other for 10 years before anything ever began and we were absolute best friends. We had a bond and connection so strong and I had never witnessed, or experienced, anything like it in my life. I yet to see any couple in my life who have the same kind of connection we had. It was all so unbelievably real … so I thought. I thought our relationship had happened naturally; after all, neither one of us ever showed any type of attraction towards each other in the first 10 years before the affair. We never flirted with each other and we never looked at each other in any way whatsoever that would indicate us wanting to have an affair with one another. At least, I know, I never did. I can no longer say the same was true for him.

        I have learned a lot about Narcissists in the last 6 months and I now know I was definitely my MM’s target. I know he “saw something in me” (his words) right from the moment we met. I know he (being what is considered a Greater Narcissist) knew exactly what he was going to do and how he was going to manipulate me into turning my own world upside down. The thing about a Greater Narc is that they have all the patience in the world and no real need to rush into anything until they know without a doubt that it’s going to benefit them. They are extremely observant and very aware of all things happening and taking place. They are masters at manipulation and brainwashing.

        Liz, I agree with you totally. I sincerely felt like the time I was with my ex-MM, especially in the beginning (first 3.5 years), my life was everything I had ever wished for, dreamt of and knew I deserved. Within that time, there were definite obstacles and barriers in “our” way, but I began realizing (once the fog started to lift) that the last year of being with him, the only obstacle in our way was him. That’s when I finally started playing a little more hardball with him and began cross-examining everything he said. I pressured him into giving me more details about where he was in his “process”, yet his responses were always so vague. I was no longer into talking about our love, I was into talking about what actions were going to take place NOW regarding “my” life. All he ever wanted to talk about was how much we loved each other and he tried so hard to keep me focused on the golden (love bombing) period, again. He was having a hard time understanding why we had to be on such a negative path. It was surprising to me that he was only seeing the negative path now that I was changing my tune and that’s because the path had always been so positive for him. What, with having two women (maybe more) at a time, he’s definitely not on a negative path – would you agree? But he is, if he feels like he’s losing control of one of those women. All I knew was I wanted the truth, and although I knew I’d really never get it, I didn’t give up putting the pressure on him.

        In January of this year, I finally gave him “my” deadline (all the others were the ones he “made up”) of March 31. As the days drew nearer, my communication with him became firmer and expectations from me became more clear. I finally started putting up boundaries (little by little) and, ultimately, there was no more room left for him to squirm. On Easter Sunday (Mar. 27), he sent me a good morning message, just as he had a thousand times before. The previous night he told me how much he loved me, how I was the only one who could ever love him the way he wanted, needed and desired to be loved, and how much he couldn’t wait to live our life of love together “FOR ALL ETERNITY”. As I read his good morning message to me, I noticed it came across more scripted than genuine. I was hoping he would’ve said something compassionate about my having to be away from him for another holiday, but there was nothing even close to acknowledging that fact. So I told him, I couldn’t message with him that day because it was just too hard for me. He texted back saying he was sorry that his “circumstances” (it was always his circumstances) were causing us hardship once again. I responded with, “the truth is, it’s not your circumstances causing our hardships, it’s us” … and I’ve not heard from him since (6 mos tomorrow). His ego must have been broken beyond repair because I criticized him in his mind and now it’s my fault we’re no longer speaking. A Narcissist loves blame shifting, guilt inducing and they’ll never take responsibility for doing anything wrong. They have no shame, guilt or compassion of any kind, but be careful … they’re amazing actors!

        Liz, if there’s anything I can say that will help, it’s to tell you to stop looking for love from a man who cannot and will not give it to you, the way he’s promised to do so many times. You need to start giving yourself the love you’ve given to him. You need to find yourself and fight like hell doing so. Believe me, I know how difficult and painful it is to be in a place where you know you need to let go, but you can’t. You can’t because you’ve made future plans with this man, he’s promised you so many wonderful things, he gives you a love like you’ve never known in your life … but, and this is the biggest and worst but ever … none of it is real. NONE OF IT!!! If even a smidgen of it was real and true and Heaven sent, a man who’s sincerely in love with you would’ve NEVER allowed you to be put in a position where you’re having to wait for him to leave another woman.

        Liz, your ex-MM was angry when you told him you were blocking him because he knows he’s “losing control” of you. He knows you’re at a place where he’s losing the control of brainwashing you. That’s exactly why my ex-MN quit messaging me the way he did. He knew he had lost control of me and his brainwashing was no longer having an effect on me and holding me captive for him. These are two huge red flags of a Narcissist: Needing to be in control of everything and the silent treatment when things don’t go their way. Oh they’ll try coming back around a hundred times (called hoovering) begging for you to come back, but it’s only to fuel they’re own needs, it’s never going to be because they truly want to make life better for you, no matter what they say. A Narcissists biggest fears are losing control and being outed for who they truly are.

        WARNING: DO NOT go at a Narcissist by telling them who they are. DO NOT try taking revenge on these people, it will backfire on you, they will make damn sure of it. Depending on a Narcs position on the Narcissistic spectrum … it could become dangerous for you. Exactly why we all need to be reevaluating the situations we’ve allowed ourselves to become a part of.

        Liz, it was incredibly hard for me too, to believe such negative thoughts about a man I had given every ounce of my heart and soul to. I was the one who defended him to the bitter end, but when he decided to initiate the silent treatment so abruptly, and without warning, I had no choice but to see him for who he truly is. I knew right then and there, I was done. I was done because I knew I had done all I could to make us work. I knew I did absolutely nothing wrong to deserve what he did to me. I knew if that man truly loved me, the way he always claimed to, the silent treatment would’ve never taken place.

        Listen, I know exactly what you mean when you say, “every day is a struggle”. For me the hardest part of the struggle was withing the first 3 months. If I could convince everyone in our position (who’s wanting to break free) of one thing, it would be to set yourselves goals, even if just day by day to begin with. That’s what I finally had to do. I wouldn’t have, but I had no choice, I had to live life still. My first goals were just getting through a single day, but once I was able to do that (after the first 3-4 weeks), I was then able to set myself a weekly goal. I’ll be honest, I’ve been setting weekly goals now for the last 5 months; and I’m happy to say, I have finally reached the point where I’m not even sure what week I’m on anymore. I just get up and live my life now. That’s not to say he doesn’t cross my mind, because he still does every day, and probably will forever … that’s the way the Narc intends things to be in the end. This man was the love of my life, whether I was truly his or not, but it no longer matters to me, what I was or wasn’t to him. What matters now is that I’m smiling again and I don’t have knots in my stomach and I’m not always wondering, worrying and questioning “why” to everything. Now I’m hoping I can help others who are where I have been because, truthfully, it’s helping me too, every single day. Each of our stories helps someone somewhere and all of your stories are still helping me. I’m able to see how far I’ve come and I’m so incredibly motivated now to keep moving forward with the truth.

        Liz, I’m not one who can tell you if your ex-MM is a Narcissist or not, but at this point, does it really matter? If this man is showing any signs at all of dysfunction, it’s simply not a good, healthy relationship for you. You deserve better! For me, I’m going to error on the side of caution that my ex-MM is a Narcissist because he targeted me, preyed upon me (all without my knowledge for years) and pounced on me with the love he knew I wanted, needed and desired to have in my life. He created an incredibly, beautiful and amazing love that we shared in his fantasy world. He made so many promises and set so many dates of when this would take place and when that would take place. Now I’m at a much better place knowing for certain that none of it was ever going to be true for us. He knew it would never be, right from the start, yet he love-bombed me into believing everything he said and everything he did (with or without his wife) and he continually convinced me to wait just a little bit longer. He was so happy when I was being so incredibly patient (a Narc loves to be admired and adored) and he hated (with such loving compassion) having to ask me to continue being patient while I had to wait for him. A Narcissist hates begging, but will do whatever they have to, if they think they’re going to get fuel from you, be it negative or positive fuel. What amazing actors these people are. Ultimately, when the time finally came to put up or shut up, he ran away like a little boy who’s mommy just pissed him off. Yes, the Narc throws tantrums too, most times in the way of silent treatments.

        The last thing I’ll say is this; it’s truly amazing what the light will reveal to us when we’re really ready to see the truth for what it is, not just with these MM, but in life, period. Liz, I know you’re ready to begin living your life again because I can read it in your words. I also sense you’re still a bit hesitant though, and that’s okay, because this is your journey. However, I sincerely hope you can begin living the journey that’s meant for you and I hope you walk it with your head held high. XO 🙂

        NOTE: May be just a coincidence, but all cheating spouses play by the same game/rule book, and so do the Narcissists … just a thought 🙂

      • Jane Doe says:

        “Wouldn’t he want better for me? Wouldn’t he want to see me happy? Even if he loved me, wouldn’t he want me to be in a relationship with someone who is available to me and puts me first? Wouldn’t he want me to have the child that I’ve always wanted?”

        These are the QUESTIONS we KNOW the answers to but won’t admit. The MM don’t have the COURAGE to admit the truth either. Their SELFISH desires are more important than our HAPPINESS. It is EASIER to string us along, placate us with gifts or promises than to have those HARD CONVERSATIONS at home about why they are unhappy or unfulfilled.

      • Forever Waiting says:

        Hi Liz,

        I’ve replied to Sharons post and have a few very long posts on here myself, but want to say good luck with the no contact and moving on.

        I really wish a year after I left my ex and things just seemed to stand still and I felt totally unappreciated, that I had left the beginning of last year 2015 ( 2 years in). Then I could say it went on for 2 years, But its been going on for over 3.5 years. I hear all the same things as you, he even said ‘I knew you’d drop me at some point’ (when I didn’t talk to him for 2 weeks) – drop him? He stills goes home to his gf, we are not together to be dropped! Poor old AM…oh we feel SO sorry for them!!

        And very true is your point – they would make it work! If I was as miserable as he has claimed to be for 4 years, and thought I’d found the love of my life, no WAY IN THIS WORLD would I let him go! so, I don’t believe him. After a year…3 years…5 years, you should be moving on and up…not no change or still apart and things getting worse!. I’m recovering from hospital treatment, and where is he? Oh yes, at home with the gf and their family! He text me from the pub…but he goes there as he likes the other guys and drinking…its NOTHING to do with escaping the gf as he has claimed for a few years as he doesn’t go until 10pm earliest and I know shes in bed when he goes for a pint or 5!. i just don’t trust him anymore, at all. And without trust there is nothing.

        On the narcissist website, the bit about being in love with a married man, the 3 last sentences sum it up and are something like ‘my wife knows nothing about her, she thinks she knows all about my wife, neither of them know what I am’ – and that’s the core of it! and we want these men?!. Lets not lose our marbles over someone that clearly has NONE!

      • Sharon says:

        WELL SAID, Jane Doe! WELL SAID!!!

      • Liz says:

        Thanks for the advice and words of wisdom from everyone. I read these posts when I’m feeling really low and miss my MM, and then I realize that I made the right decision by ending it with him.

        Sharon, thanks for replying to my post. When you describe your situation, it is eerily similar to my situation. I too knew my married man before the affair started and had a close friendship with him. During the time I knew him and when I was single, I held myself back from dating other people because I never felt a connection like the one I had with him. I don’t know anyone else who has shared a connection similar to ours, whether or not it was “true” or not. Now, after all these years, I think to myself ‘what was it all worth!’ I have spent the last several years (the affair was one year, but my feelings for him were more years than that) hung up on him, and in the end, he turned out to be someone who I didn’t think he was.

        After I told him that I was going to block him from my phone and he had his little hissy fit (2 weeks ago), I have not heard anything from him. I often wonder if a part of it is because he cannot reach me (unless he showed up at my door), or if it’s because his ego is too bruised. I know it’s for the best, but I think to myself that for someone who claimed he have loved me so much, how he could just let me go — walk out of his life forever. My friend once referred to my married man as a narcissist and I completely disagreed with her. I told her that he was selfish at times, but not a narcissist. Now I really have to question whether or not he may in fact be one. He was manipulative at times, controlling at times, selfish very often, and ALWAYS turned things around on me.

        To give an example, he one time questioned his wife if she was “seeing” anyone else after he found a message from another man on her phone. I was shocked when he told me this. I told him he was a hypocrite for calling her out, when he having an affair with me! Of course he justified it and said that he was just trying to prove to her that she is part of the reason why their relationship has failed. I also said to him that if he truly didn’t care about her being with anyone else (he told me on many occasions that he didn’t), why did it bother him enough to question her. He kept on saying that it didn’t bother him and he even told her that, but that she could just tell him if she was seeing someone else. If that isn’t hypocrisy, I don’t know what is! After having read up on narcissists, I have to believe that some of his reaction was based on control. How dare anyone cross him, yet he can cross other people.

        I don’t only feel like I am grieving a breakup, I feel like I am grieving the loss of the person I thought I knew. I always thought so highly of him and put him on a pedestal. Now I’m left to wonder what his intentions were and who he really is. Time after time, he got my hopes up, only to disappoint me. One day he told me that he loved seeing me in summer dresses. I asked him what else he would like to see me wear. He replied, “a wedding dress.” I’m sure this was just another bone he threw me to keep me around, to have me believing he would actually leave. He told me how he was excited to meet my family one day, and how he always thought about how amazing it would be when he would be able to come home to me one day. The scary part is, I don’t think he did any of this to intentionally hurt me (maybe I’m just in denial). I actually think he believes his own lies. I truly believe that when he justifies his actions, turns things around on me, calls HER out for potentially dating someone else, he believes in his mind that he is right in doing so. The only person that needs to speak to a counsellor more than me, is him.

        Right now, I’m just trying to keep busy. My job keeps me on my toes during the day, and I’m spending a lot of time with friends, just doing things I enjoy. I know I’ll have more bad days ahead, but I’ll look to these posts to find comfort and strength. Thanks again to everyone for posting. Having other people in similar situations who can relate to you is definitely comforting and it gives me courage to let go of this man.

    • Forever Waiting says:

      Thank you so much Sharon. I had a bad weekend and ended up reaching out to my AM, more than I have done in a few weeks, but ended up in hospital on a drip. All he did was call an ambulance and make sure I was OK throughout the day, but as he lives 70 miles away and was with his 4 yr old etc of course, I suffered alone. That was Saturday, now today Sunday because of the distance and although he went to watch footie and was out the house i guess for 4 hours, he’d not been able to fib and do the 140 mile round trip to see me (he’d already arranged to go to Footie with the guy that works for his and his gf’s business).

      All, this has been over 2.5 yrs of my life and 3.5 years when I was with my ex, but when with my ex I said so many times i can’t carry on like this, I wanted commitment. 3 years later and 2.5 yrs after i left my ex…nothing. It’s all business and money (so he says), but for someone that cried 3 years ago saying he’s not sure how much more he could take of this evil horrible nasty spiteful gf of his…he is doing quite well considering they are together practically 24/7. Please girls AND guys, do not get caught up in this web of destruction and deceit. If things don’t look like they are moving on after 6 months (although i wouldn’t even consider advising to start of carry on an affair) then please realise he/she can’t or won’t leave.Before you get to attached please escape the attached persons grip….it’s amazing how tightly they hold you to the point you think you need them. I feel this weekend as didn’t want the few friends near me coming round in the state I was…but left hospital alone, today alone…that is the life of a mistress. We are nothing more, until they make us more, and that’s only if you’re the exception.

      I’d also like to add I know a few exceptions, but the most recent didn’t work out so well and my poor dear friend I’ve known 35 years since nursery had an awful time recently to the point she doesn’t want to go near another man. She liked this guy at the pub, being a single mother didn’t get to go out that often (we live 200 miles from each other) but kept saying there’s this guy that kept turning up she liked. He was in a relationship and lived right opposite her, 2 kids, 1 was the gf’s child and other his with her. He added her to Facebook, they started an affair. I said to her I won’t tell her to stop (this was about 18 mths ago but i really did not want her going through the pain I was back then and still now!) but to please consider if he doesn’t leave the gf. Well, withing 3 weeks he did, went to live with his Dad. I was so pleased for her. They slowly got to know each other and didn’t go public for maybe 6 months even longer than that…and to cut a long story short, 16 months into the relationship my friend found out he’d started seeing her elder daughters ex primary teacher! This was apparently because the ex gf across the road was going to take him to court and say that my friend had ruined her family and was threatening him not to see his daughter ever again. So he claims that he can’t see my friend anymore and is moving in with this woman so his ex can’t use the affair attack (I did explain its rubbish and the courts would not be interested in the affair and who is seeing who). They were close and in love and my poor friend has been crying herself to sleep for weeks, utter shock to her. She has been treated like dirt by every guy including the 2 Dads of her beautiful amazing daughters. She has to hear this ex pull up outside her house 3 times a week to pick us his daughter, he refused to say goodbye claiming ‘I’d break down and I don’t want to cheat on my new woman’ – very rich coming from him as he forgot to end it with my friend before he decided to start with this other woman! whatever his reasons it seems people can bring their problems from past relationships and really have no idea what they are doing. There are now 3 women involved and poor kids.

      The good outcomes have been my friends Dad fell in love 20 years ago, was an affair but he left her Mum when she turned 18 and married to his ‘soulmate’ (they are a wonderful couple and my friend loves her Dads wife to bits) for 20 yrs, they are still as close as ever. My cousin had an affair with a guy who was much older and married for 20 years, 1 child, her teen twins…she fell pregnant and he still didn’t leave his wife…9 mths pregnant she sits outside his house in her car until he left for good…it worked. They’ve been happily married for about 6 years and their daughter adorable. I must add neither friend or cousin are stupid…degrees, PhD’s…professors etc and simply incredibly intelligent women, just like on the website! My uncle had a short affair with my aunt and left his first wife for her…45 years of marriage later, 2 kids and 3 grandkids and still very happy. So, there ARE exceptions, but they happen a lot more quickly than 2..3…6 years! Everyone’s circumstance are different, but, my heart says one thing and head another. Being 3.5 yrs and knowing my AM will be sleeping, as usual, next to his gf naked again tonight and has been since we met…slowly starting to get sick of it. It helps now he doesn’t work where I do and I don’t see him. In fact helps lots as says everything. I don’t regret messaging him as he was great getting an ambulance out to me, but as he said all he did was make a phonecall…how very sad after almost 4 years he wasn’t here to pick me up when I left hospital dizzy, confused and in need of some care. I should be relying on him not friends…

      I told him 3 years ago I found my reason for being here …for him. what a silly thought…3 years ago was a long time. I spoke to him earlier with one of his ‘gaps’ in his day when he was out in his car, i excitedly told him about hospital and the paramedic…when we went to say goodbye he said ‘love you’ – I just said thanks for the chat and bye and catch up tomorrow…I cannot bring myself to tell him I love him on phone or text, he just doesn’t deserve my love or care anymore, not like the way we used to be, he’s used me and needs to wake up.

    • Forever Waiting says:

      I’ve replied above but the part out of Sharon’s write up to Liz that hits home is this:

      ‘The thing about a Greater Narc is that they have all the patience in the world and no real need to rush into anything until they know without a doubt that it’s going to benefit them. They are extremely observant and very aware of all things happening and taking place. They are masters at manipulation and brainwashing’

      They DO have the patience….wow the MM’s are amazing with us!! but yep no real rush…I hardly text my AM…he is as calm as anything, he wasn’t that bothered (although he says otherwise) when I stopped texting him for 2 weeks! And the observant part hits home…that is SO true, he observes EVERYTHING I do and say….luckily that goes both ways and I can pick holes in the simple stuff he has said and text. As soon as he didn’t need my place…he stopped trying like he used too. As soon as I never replied, he stopped as well. He lies and says he felt like he lost his right arm – NOT ONCE did he try to get his right arm back or find out what had happened!. These are NOT the actions of a man that cares, he holds on for someone to lean on, but at this very moment he is happily at home with his daughters and partners, and will never EVER admit it.

  105. Jane Doe says:

    I am new here. Trying for the umpteenth time to break off a relationship of over 10 years with a Married Man. 10 years of my life; the longest, most involved and ironically, most satisfying relationship of my life.

    But it is not enough…i think…this is the question ive struggled with all these years.

    He is quite a bit older. Never wears a wedding ring. The whole spiel: sleeps in different areas of the house, no physical contact, no communication or connection. So if all these guys feel this way, WHY ARE THEY STILL THERE?!
    She knows about me. His boss, coworkers, my family and a few others know. It began as a psychical attraction and is now a loving, emotional connection that runs deep and wide. He has said he ISNT leaving.
    He bought me a big, fat ring and is there when i need his help. He is romantic and treats me like a queen. He always wants to know about my day, how i am, what im doing. He is doting, affectionate and patient. He has helped me through an illness and takes care of me.
    We talk all day, everyday and laugh. We finish each others sentences. I love him more than anything.
    Ive never dated another man this wonderful.
    We have tried for over a year to have a child together.

    I do the same for him but need more. Even though i sleep over at his home and sometimes we vacation together, i want him to say i will put you before any other woman. Thats all i want. I dont want to grow old and be alone WITHOUT HIM. We are best friends. Am i asking too much or should i stay and deal with it?

    • Forever Waiting says:

      Hi Jane Doe,

      You aren’t asking enough, not too much! As much as I’m baffled with my attached man (I’m ‘Forever Waiting’, please excuse my spelling and general errors, its so hard to type on a mobile!), I find your story even more confusing than mine!. So 10 years, he has little interest in his wife, she has little interest in him AND knows about you, as do friends and colleagues…yet he stays with her? You’re very strong, the thought of even going near my attached mans front door makes me feel ill, as he lives 70 miles away and I guess I’ve never had to face his reality (I’ve never been anywhere near where he lives) and like you, we haven’t been trying for a baby, but I’ve never fell pregnant so have spent the past 2 years having fertility checks, and now it’s time to make an appointment to plan a date…yet he hasn’t left?!! and is happy to go ahead? what type of man of father does that to their child?

      Things have happened recently (lost his job) but I’ve given him 3.5 years to sort out his financial problems. We saw each other as he stayed with me 2 nights a week (and was still supposed to be helping with rent, that’s stopped funny enough!) because it was agreed with his gf it would be a break from driving, she thought he was renting with other staff….so very easy for us to spend time together as we’d takes days off too, she thought he was at work. Now he doesn’t work where I do….yrp…don’t see him now and i’m up and down! And like you, for someone who claims they don’t sleep together, eat together, no connection any more and except business and kids there is little comms…I now find it VERY hard to believe! In fact, it’s laughable. Our time with these men is compartmentalized, so it’s ALWAYS great, they ALWAYS treat us well, we are their prize and escape from real life, they’re not going to treat us badly are they?

      Thing is, you are growing old each day without him, as he is not with you officially or full time. My best friend wouldn’t treat me like that, make me second best, so why do you think he is your best friend? Surely friends treat each other with FAR more respect? You think he;s your best friend the same reason I think my AM is mine….because we are not official (some of my friends know and now a work colleague) we tell them anything and everything…they are attentive, they care about the smallest things….they give us the affection we crave every time we see them as it’s not full time….your time is limited so its intense like a dream…it’s just not real. But because we’re so ‘close’ to these men, they even persuade us we’ll never find someone that loves us so much! I’ve lived before (I’m 38) and have lived with 2 ex partners – real relationship are hard work, not all airy fairy and you have your arguments and can’t go off to your separate homes. Affection is less as normal home and life stuff gets in the way, your time is spread out so it’s not always intense and fun.

      Anyway, try and read what a member ‘Sharon’ has written below, pretty much sums up the facts for the majority of us. I still feel deep down I’m the exception, but understand most exceptions have sorted out their mess within a year…not 2 or 4 like me or 10 like you.

      Why would you want to bring a child into the world when the father is not committed to the mother, therefore isn’t committed to family life or the seriousness of having a baby and bring the kid up?. Anyone one can give you a big fat ring and be romantic and act like your best friend and take care of you…especially when you’re their fun beautiful non moaning bit on the side…we’re a dream to men….they will do anything to keep us…except…COMMIT!!

      It takes commitment, integrity and just 2 people in a relationship to make true love. He isn’t wonderful, he is using you. It hurts to think that, but what else can one think? Let us know how you get on…make those demands…give him a deadline and in the meantime stop trying for a baby because your child deserves 2 parents or at least a father who is not in denial.

      • Jane Doe says:

        Forever Waiting,

        I know how stupid it seems now re-reading what i wrote. It is like we live in a fairy tale. Ive been on the other side too – reality – with a different relationship of 3 years, where we lived together and the romance ends quicker when you dont retire to your separate homes at the end of the day. In fact, i dont wish to live with my MM or another man if i dont have to.
        I will never live with a man again. I need my space.
        Allow me to elaborate on the ‘trying to get pregnant’ bit. Initially, i thought this would allow us to be together. When conception didnt take place, i asked him over and over:
        1) Why he was not going to a Dr. as i had to confer on fertility issues -no response.
        2) How did he expect us to live together and raise a child if he was married -no response.
        I stopped our physical relationship for this, shame and other reasons. We go back and forth in this dysfunctional cycle of missing each other. I know he has used me and no amount of gifts make up for it. He has come up with outrageous, insane ideas regarding two wives and multiple houses and if ill just give him time.

        I have told him to rekindle things with his wife or move on. What is the point of staying in something so broken and miserable…see, we should all ask ourselves this.

        Need the courage to move on and stay moving away physically and mentally. Its hard to imagine losing contact after all we have been through but it hurts too much being here waiting and wondering.

      • Forever Waiting says:

        Hi Jane Doe,

        This reply should hopefully go under yours but the reply button was not there!

        It seems stupid but please please don’t feel stupid. One thing I have thought of is how much of a normal ‘life’ I have had with my AM, to make things feel ‘real’. I was with him most weeks Monday to Friday at work, like how we first started. On the 2 days he stayed, we’d shop together for food, cook together, chat, put the bins out, clean a bit, watch a movie…clear up etc. Totally normal….that’s how I got hooked, I believed he saw this flat as much as his home as his ‘real’ home. The time together was perfect (majority of the time) and as you described yours. He’d cook for a few friends that visited, lots of time with my folks who have now met him 3-4 times over 2 days the past few years….it was ‘normal’. Then Friday came, and midday he was off, to his real life. But I plodded along, I used to, and still wake up on a Saturday morning feeling nothing less then blooming awful and utterly depressed…for 2.5 years! (I’m not adding the year I was still with my ex).

        So, however silly some of your post reads to you, no matter what others who have not experienced this see it as madness, lots of our time like yours was so normal, to the point I never thought about his real life or where he slept the other 5 days of the week. Monday morning came….I remember him being excited, but I hated it as it reminded me when I saw his big smile beaming towards me at work…where he had been all weekend – at home with the family doing stuff whilst I was alone. Then the cycle repeats….by Monday afternoon he has made me smile and laugh etc, listened to my woes and by Wednesday the first night he’d stay, we were a normal ‘couple’ again (albeit a very secret one). Off to the supermarket we’d go to grab food for the next 2 evenings of ‘us’- we even have our own nickname which I’m sure many do! But although he left work 2 months ago, here I am on a Friday night alone, him at home probably watching TV and laughing with the gf…having conversations with her after putting their young child to bed (all this of course he denies). It’s not fun. I’m now glad he doesn’t work where I do, it’s actually alleviated a lot of the stress and unhappiness, as I also don’t have to listen to him talk about the weekend to colleagues and week stuff about the kids etcetc…cut like a knife! No I don’t see him at all now – but that’s only gone to prove a LOT of stuff.

        Anyway – back to you. Yes it’s like we live in a fairy tale but it’s a fantasy the MM have created to seem real as well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure a lot of MM love their mistresses but they do something about it and don’t throw breadcrumbs and lies for years.

        I also get you regarding living with someone, this is why I wonder if I’ve been doing this for so long…but I also know I want a full time relationship with this man which would result in us living together, and I certainly don’t want past issues and problems with partners to stop me maybe experiencing a happy relationship. But of course that is a choice and you must do what makes you happy. Space is so important and helps independence too!

        Ah OK, so the same problems as me although this started with my ex and my AM basically took over my his appointments for the fertility.

        It sounds like as he can’t be bothered to reply or try and look into fertility, although your MM was happy to try and conceive with you, he really wasn’t that serious. It was probably a way to keep you happy, but his heart wasn’t in it and he doesn’t really care. Considering everyone knows about you both including his wife, he has nothing to worry about either should you full pregnant. That goes to show what is important to you (wanting to be a mother, I’m 38 and in the same place as you probably read) he doesn’t really care. But, saying that, my AM may have totally supported me and attended all the appointments to prove he was fertile, he hasn’t been able to attend 3 of the VERY painful procedures I have to endure for fertility tests and I realised with the last one, if I got pregnant this is what life would be like….a single Mum! It’s upsetting enough going alone, I cannot imagine having a child without help! So, this shows that he may care for you when ill and buy you nice rings and support you lots, something as important and deep and meaningful as having your own child, he’s not really that interested in. I bet the trying he loved though, sorry to say!

        That’s very strong of you to stop the physical relationship, something I tried many times. And I understand the insane ideas…they hook us up so much we even consider them! Well we have…we’re their bits on the side!
        My AM, 2.5 yrs ago said lets have a baby now, I’ll put you in a flat (funny, he has struggled to pay basic low rent the past 2 years as a contribution, he couldn’t have ever afforded to rent a whole flat for me and a child!) and then when I leave my gf and pretend to meet you, I’ll ‘adopt’ the child (our baby) and no one will ever have to know it’s really mine. OMG- I almost went with this! Then I said his parents had a right to know it really IS their grandchild and other relatives, and more importantly – so does your child!! I think at the time he was panicking about losing me for some reason and at that time had not perfected the manipulation. And yes, we’re due an appointment to sort out a date soon to attempt IVF. Reading back…I feel stupid! But I still want that baby, as time is running out and like you however mad it is, I don’t want to lose my chance…not when I’m almost 40! I think this is how they pray on us…….see the gaps in our lives and fill them.

        Has there been a reply about the rekindling? As I’ve suggested that a few times, especially this year, my AM insists there is NOTHING to rekindle and they will never ever be a proper couple again as it’s over. Well, doesn’t look over to me when they spend 24/7 together!.

        With the losing contact – it is a hurtful and almost impossible idea. It is very hard, I’ve been OK most this evening posting on here, but I have a friend that has obviously got in a mood about some stuff (actually it’s about all this, she’s been giving me advice I nicely threw back at her as she won’t take her own advice…so now shes ignoring me and we were supposed to skype this evening!) – and I’d usually message my AM and he’d support me and give me advice and calm me down…but as I’m trying little contact (see my reply to my thread to Sharon below) – I don’t have him to talk too, so now feel SO upset!!!. But I need to stay strong when others upset me or I have a problem and stop running to him…as I can only ever message, he can take hours to reply…and I need to find a way to ignore things upsetting me (like this friend,I hope I didn’t offend her but I read back and it was a nice but hard text trying to get her to see my point). Gosh, we really rely on them so much but they don’t have that much to always give. Especially physically when I only used to see him 2 nights a week.

        So yes its hard too, this is why instead of hardcore No Contact, I’m throwing him neutral breadcrumbs (nothing about us, just yeh all cool, good day at work and no questions back so not to start a convo like he is), although probably pointless, it makes me feel a bit better to keep slight contact, than none at all. But I guess, like 2 months ago, I’m trying to trigger a positive reaction, and it doesn’t. But have decided all the time I’m not contacting him as much, I can put my effort and attention elsewhere (like here)

        I understand how much it will hurt, you’ve been ‘with’ your MM for a long long time, he is a part of your life, and it’s going to hurt, a lot – but we never know how long it will take to heal and you could surprise yourself, it could be quite quick as you find new stuff and have more ‘me’ time. We spend most our time revolving our thoughts and emotions around the MM. I can hardly suggest to cut off and walk way as I’m still in the process and half in and out at the moment, saying I don’t want him to turn up but deep down probably do. But like you, and every other person on here who is the bit on the side….we just want them too, after all this time, is leave and be with us.

        How are you feeling now? Sending you hugs.

    • Sharon says:

      Hi Forever Waiting. First of all, I’m sorry to hear you were hospitalized and I hope you’re on the mend. As for reaching out to your AM, don’t get down on yourself. Just get back up, and start again. I’ve read on the Narc website that it actually takes most people 7 attempts at trying to leave an abusive relationship. I know I tried 2 prior times to not talk to my ex-MN, but after three weeks each time, I just couldn’t handle it. That’s when I knew I had to start really focusing on a process to get myself out, if he wasn’t going to change his life.

      As for your friend; it definitely sounds like she got hooked by a Narc, and I am so sorry she’s in such a horrific place at this time.

      I want to refer an online book to you that the Narc (HG Tudor) published and it’s called “No Contact – How to Beat the Narcissist”. As I’ve been reading this book (on Amazon – $4.79), I’ve been thinking about you and a few others on this thread, wondering if it would be beneficial for you ladies as well. It is an outstanding book so far and I’m barely reaching half way through. It has so much valuable information and I’m really excited to share it with you, your friend and anyone who’s wanting to bring a positive change to your lives.

      Before ordering from Amazon, you’ll need to download the Kindle app onto your phone or your computer so you have a place to read it. I’m going to try responding more, but really wanted to get this information to you as quickly as possible.

      • Liz says:

        Wow, Sharon. I counted how many times I tried leaving my ex-married man, and it is 7 on the dot. When we were “together” (and I use that term loosely since I’ve now realized that he was never really mine), we never went more than 3 weeks without seeing each other. Even when I told him to sort out his life and not contact me, or would be upset at him and told him not to reach out, we would always cave at the 3 week mark and would see each other. Again, our situations are just too similar for me to turn a blind eye to who he truly is.

        Sharon, based on what you know of narcissists, do you think my ex-MM will ever reach out to me again, now that I’ve blocked him from my phone? I had deleted him from my phone before, but never blocked him. I think a part of him was shocked that I actually did that. He never imagined I would cut him out of my life like that.

        Definitely ordering this book now!

  106. Fireice says:

    I’m a single mom. I had a talk with my bf who is married with kids that I decided to do the right thing and breaking him up. We had our relationship going for round 12 months, 1 month together, the rest long distance. We’ve known each other for 20 something years already.
    Couple of days later we talked, and he told me that he would never divorce his wife and vice versa. He told me he talked to his wife and told her that he is not happy with the situation at home and he stayed in the marriage out of duty. His wife resonance that she is also stay for duty to the kids. His wife is not working and dependent on him.
    I already thought of this result beforehand, weighing his situation and everything that he would not divorce her.
    I asked should I wait?
    He told me it’s not gona be fair for me
    So he let me go
    My initial plan is to cut all ties with him for at least 6 months until we can arrange our feelings back
    He asked us to still be best friend tho
    And to still be able talk on regular basis
    He said, because loosing me is one thing loosing a best friend along with it is harder.
    Do you think this will work?

    • Forever Waiting says:

      Hi Fireice,

      Nope, you can’t be friends as he is NOT a true friend, very far from one!. People claim affairs are about the cheating partner wanting sex etc, but sometimes they are emotional too and they need your love and reassurance. Your MM won’t cut ties as he is still using you mentally, just like my Attached Man. A Narcissists (Please read Poster ‘Sharon’ and what she has to say over many threads and replies, a few below this one) will seek your attention in anyway they can and manipulate you. If these men we see can’t leave…why start an affair?. Your MM now doesn’t need you physically so you’re dropped from a great height, i know and I’m feeling your pain, we all are here.

      He never had you to actually lose you…that’s my AM’s favourite line too! If you had been an exclusive couple then yes, you can lose one another, but not when his full-time and important life are at home. He wants to lea on you still….and whilst you’re putting your emotions and time into this MM, you aren’t putting time and effort elsewhere, so not allowing yourself to meet anyone else.

      I need to reiterate he is NOT your friend…friends don’t drop each other physically then ask for emotional support, friends don’t keep you a secret!. He will never divorce his wife – believe him. Then, believe in yourself. Sharon mentions we are scared of losing these poor excuses for ‘men’ – but what happens and is FAR more scary is losing ourselves! Yes I still hope to be an exception, and if he left, although wow it’s taken 2 years longer than we agreed, then great, but, at the same time, I’m not waiting around anymore to find out!! He has actually stopped me dating in the past, now he understands, but of course he does, he is running out of lies to keep me!. We have got to realise any man that can constantly do this to their partners for a year, 3 years, 5 years and so on are pretty screwed up and we are NOT immune to their sh*tty behavior….but blinded to the fact we’ve put up for it since day 1 and we’re not even with them full-time!. In fact it’s not even part time, a thousand breadcrumbs of time won’t make a sandwich. Let us know how you get on 🙂 and good luck, you’ve no need to be ‘friends’….go and find real friends who don’t mess you around.

      • Sharon says:

        Thank God!!! Forever Waiting, I can’t thank you enough for taking this battle on with me to help others! We both know the pain these man have caused, just as much as everyone on this thread, but the more people like you and I who are willing to come together and help each other, is the most empowering and rewarding thing we can ever do. I truly believe in all things happen for a reason.

        FW, I posted another comment (with a link attached in regard to “Super Empaths” from HG Tudor). Please read it (as well as the comments) because I feel you are a Super Empath just like me and you will be amazed at what you’ll learn. Please share this information with everyone you can, and I will too. Hopefully we’ll get more and more of these women (and possibly men in the same situation) to see things from a different perspective. The bottom line is we have all been brainwashed to one degree or another and it’s time we help each other discover who we really are and what reality is again.

        One thing I need to say to you personally, PLEASE DO NOT GO BACK, even if he does leave her because, the truth is, he absolutely will do the same things to you. It’s who he is and it’s what he needs to do to exist. I know it won’t be easy, but damn it, I’m here for you to help you stop and think about what you’re doing. I here to stop him from brainwashing you over and over again. Take care XO 🙂

  107. Forever waiting says:

    Hi all,

    I’m so glad to find this thread and see and read what I’m going through 9and yes slightly different circumstances, but thrown the same excuses!).

    Need Strength, I’m totally with you. It’s been almost 4 years for me but the first year I was with my ex. The attached man (he is not married but been with his gf a good 12 years, they have a business child and mortgage together) helped me escape my violent crazy ex about 11 months after we got together. No way am i the cheating type but my ex sent me crazy, and when I met the AM, I knoew he was ‘the one’ and we just got on so well (worked together), 6 months later we’re in an affair. Now, I saw him daily too and he stayed 1-2 nights a week for a rest from driving, so we spent a few work evenings together and never ever weekends. His excuse for not leaving was money, had a business that was growing, couldn’t afford to buy his gf out of the house (he bought 8 months AFTEr we started!). Anyway, 2 months ago he lost his job as many did where I worked. You guessed it, not seeing him now…it seems WORK was keeping ‘us’ together. Its all the same as the other affairs claim…best friends.. true love etc.

    Sharon, I mentioned the baggagereclaim site you have and he said the woman was just bitter as her Married Man had not left and that we were an exception. He knows most my friends and as parents stayed them too and we all get on like a house on fire…but what a perfect way to keep the affair going and lies believed! Parents think/thought he was a flatmate, friends told me 2 years ago not to wait. He used to get so angry with them when I told him….well they were right…look at us almost 4 years on! reading baggae reclaim etc we made a deadline of summer…but that went wrong as he lost the job that paid for the mortgage and ploughed the rest of the money into the business. He can’t take a salary and has missed mortgage payments, I’ve been up and down, ignoring him one week no contact then giving in…but doesn’t matter WHAT I do or say, nothing changes. He claims all sorts of usual rubbish like she doesn’t even sit on the sofa next to him now (that’s rubbish, thats why he doesn’t message me as she is sitting there, as when with me, however busy he was on the laptop with work, he’d text his parents, friends and colleagues)…he said separate beds are coming soon…well that was in Janaury and they still sleep together and its all excuses. sharon you mentioned the narcsite.wordpress.com website…well reading first few paragraghs of September, wow thats us!! He has said some horrible things thats SHOWS he takes me for granted like beginning of last year (and 2 lonngggg years into the affair) that I sat around pining and need to get out!! wtf?! how dare he! he spends all weekend with his kids and family, I live MILES from mine and kept as active as I could, but some weekends I got down and was tired and unsociable. Yes 20 months later I’m still listening to him! Like most theres lots too it and I know he works and works and works but he lies about his home life and has fibbed about so much and blatantly denies it. As many say, to keep up the deception you have to lie to both sides. We spent 34 hours of my birthday together as parents came to stay a few weeks ago and I was so down i thought it would be great and it was. But, there is a reason he refuses to tell any friends or colleagues we’re both friends with and no one his side, I jsut don’t think he’s serious. I know he didn’t want anyone his side to think of me as his affair partner and he’s quite private, but the time it’s been is ridiculous!! We have even been going through IVF tests fo 2 years and have an appointment in 4 weeks to start planning and book the date in! I was hoping we’d get a year or 2 together beforehand but as he hasn’t left yet…wow i’ve never even spent a weekend with him or weekend day! He does work non stop and I believe he is doing it to leave, he would drive 3 hours a day to work and back then be on the laptop until midnight etc, he works all weekend, but nothing is happening and we have gone backwards, worse than ever as now I don’t see him at all!. so, now i’m standing back and chatting to guys on websites, being honest with some but trying to remind myself there are single nice guys out there (yep, hard to filter but 1 in 100 seem genuine!) and to STOP putting these married men/attached men on pedestals! You must remember they are cheats, liars and control freaks. A year ago and 2.5 yrs into the affair I said I can’t take it anymore as he hasn’t left and i want some normality he told me he couldn’t give me, we agreed I could date which in itself upset me as i was hoping the thought of me having sex with another guy would prompt him to leave but at fist it didn’t.
    I like to think we’re an exception but after good 3.5 years that’s almost laughable! I have read so so much over the years (crazy eh?!) and cutting off makes me feel awful after a week or so, so now i’m playing it cool, shorter not loving but just friendly encouraging texts, very neutral and do not mention us. Spoke to him a few days ago but that was about his 15 yr old daughter. I just can’t believe it’s come to this, kept telling him I was a fool the past 6 months and he said ion his eyes i wasn’t but that’s because there are lots of words coming out of his mouth, no action, and after giving him the time he needed to sort the business out there are NO results. he is pretty poor at the moment so i do understand, but now i’m asking myself…even if the business was bringing in enough money for them both to take a salary…would he leave or find another reason?

    • Forever Waiting says:

      I forgot to add to my own above post that for the first week last year when I started chatting to guys on the website and exciting numberstuff he was fine, but then he flipped the next week saying that he thought I just wanted to chat to them and nothigh more, that was utterly rubbish as he asked me ‘not to make too much of an effort in areas’ and I knew exactly what he meant. Then he decided he couldn’t handle it and I said we’ll you still sleep with your gf after 2.5 years, he said that was different she is not ‘new’ – the absolute bloody cheek of it! then he claimed which he has for almost 2 years is they don’t have sex, again complete lies as if my bf stopped trying I’d think he was having an affair! I know she doesn’t have a big sex drive but knew they did it a few times a Month, he even made up that she didn’t want sex with him because he didn’t support her for those 6 months (from beginning of 2015) when her mum went through cancer treatment ….I don’t believe it but at the time he is convincing as got so angry too. There is so much that doesn’t add up and although he worse 7 days a week he always has done as his job was only ever temporary and he has a huge mortgage and business bills to pay – He made out for almost 4 years he worked non stop to leave but he’s working non stop to pay his bills, he is a business man and he is working hard now for lack of salary not for me! when I got pretty he told me to move on and he’d knock on my door when he has left…..love is supposed to bring 2 people together. I don’t very much he is a true friend let alone loves me. I feel sorry for his gf she is the victim as is stuck with him without knowing he is a cheating so and so and I can walk away and will heal. But like you all here have hope…..why am I hoping for a lying cheating mentally controlling user?!

    • Sharon says:

      FW, I was told the same as you, “we’re the exception”. He never wanted to let me go, but now I know it’s because he was acquiring fuel from me, both negative (crying, pleading, wondering, questioning, etc.) and positive (loving, understanding, patience, adoring, admiring, etc.). FW instead of asking yourself questions, you need to trust your instincts. You know (just as well as I did) he will never leave and he absolutely will always have another reason to move the goal posts. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you’ve been taking my suggested websites to heart and reading them. They truly helped me along with prayers and having good people in my life I could talk to. As hard as it was for me to believe the ex-MM is a Narcissist, I now know it to be true with everything inside of me. Narcs deliberately go after Empaths and that’s exactly what women like us are. We give and give and give and want to make everything right for everyone and ultimately all we’re doing is destroying ourselves because they truly do not care about us as people. Sure they’ll say all the right words to us and make us believe “beyond all measure” that we’re the love of their lives, but they truly love no one at all. They are the takers and they will take as long as we keep giving. Please keep reading the narcsite.wordpress.com because he has so much info to provide. The thing I like about him (HG Tudor) too is if you make a comment on his posts, he’ll always answer you. His answers are brutally honest, but I’d much rather have that than to be lied to over and over again. If you do decide to ask him a question, just be sure to click on the box at the bottom of your reply “Notify me of new comments via email”. That way you won’t miss his response back to you.

      FW thank you so much for your comment and I sincerely hope you can break away from the man who’s holding you hostage. Believe me, I know it’s not going to be an easy road, but it will be worth it in the long run. For me I decided, I’d much rather be sick alone, with a much higher chance of fixing myself, than to be sick with someone else whom I cannot EVER fix or change. Good luck to you and please do not ever stop educating yourself. You deserve better than he will ever give to you.

      • Forever Waiting says:

        Hi Sharon,

        Thanks so so much for your reply I read it at work probably 10 times today! I love the part about breaking away from the man (although REAL MEN don’t treat ladies like this!) holding me hostage, it made me laugh as true but it’s great to also now chuckle at the situation especially when it gets to the point that what has happened is just totally unbelievable! As they say, if you don’t laugh you will cry, and NO WAY am I crying over him!!. Yes he is the most incredible man I have ever met, but, he also isn’t the most honest either so that kind of cancels the good bit out!

        Below is a bit about the situation but also if I write it down it helps, and I hope helps others as we can relate, and stop being in denial and face these, quite frankly, horrible men! (and men in our position going through the same thing – applies to both, I’m certainly no man hater, funny enough I’ve very close male friends who I totally respect and are like brothers to me and I mostly work with men who are wonderful, it’s a handful of men and women that ruin things) so….

        I do still think he will leave, because this is all very fresh so I’m still in fairy lalaland (only week before last, end of August, he said that ‘the pressure is on’ and he’ll be with me by Halloween…he said the pressure was on 2.5 years ago…..seems NOT enough pressure haha…..would a nutcracker help around certain part of his body?!). But as you say Sharon, something else will happen, the financial excuse was (wrongly) acceptable up until now and maybe until a few months time as he spoke to me about the accounting books and I know where they are at with the finances, if, of course, he’s been telling the truth, he could be a millionaire and I’ve no idea!!

        He has a complex home life (well not so much but is to me as I’ve no children) as he has a 15 year old daughter that stays with them 7 days on/off, and the ex wife, her Mum causes problems, the new bf/fiance is making his 15 yr old very unhappy, so on top of his full time 4.5 yr old daughter with his long term gf, his life is a bit messy before you even throw me into the equation! What with a business with his gf, home and child plus all the financial ties, 15 yr old week on/off who has constant issues with her Mum/schooling etc, it’s just looking doom and gloom.
        But you know what….it helps me because I stand back and think…..hang on… if he leaves his gf (of 12 yrs or so)…there are now 2 exes with 2 kids being juggled (nothing wrong with this but both sound like difficult and spiteful women…of course I’ve only heard his side!) a business he works at full time with the (ex) gf…her family not far, his ex wife and her family up the road…financial issues and a house to divide (he refuses to sell it…strange that eh? the thing he claims he can’t afford at the moment!) …and we have argued LOTS over the past few years as he expects me to move to the house he bought with his gf (after we started this affair!) and isn’t thinking of me. I even researched about woman moving in with their new partners into their ex ‘marital’ homes to be mature about it, and some women were great, saying it’s now their home and their memories and just bricks and mortar….but even 4/5 weeks ago when I saw him for an hour after 5 weeks (I cut him off after he left my workplace….but seems I wouldn’t have seen him anyway as he has no excuse as to why he’d do a 140 mile round trip for an evening!) I decided to throw it back at him but for a different reason. He said ‘and you still say you won’t move down my way and in with me which blah blah blah and I have a network down there and family blah blah’ – I said ‘there you go again, we will talk about where we live AFTER you have left your gf and we have established a solid and real relationship and you’re talking YEARS down the line, stop talking about where I’m going to live as at the moment and it always has been a FANTASY, YOUR FANTASY ‘ I said leave her before you even think you can push me into where I live!! That shut him up…it’s almost as if he talks about me moving in with him it keeps me hooked and believing him! 9it obviously works…). he goes on about his network, and yes he moved back to where he grew up 6 years ago, so has all his old friends and parents within 45 min drive (around the city and countryside where he lives) but I too have a few local friends I do see more now and friends 45 mins away where I lived for 5 years until 2011. I see my friends WAY more than he ever sees his, so why would I move further? (I do think its best for the kids…but there we go again…I’m made to think about a future that doesn’t exist!)

        He claims he doesn’t see his friends much as he’s working non stop. Yes, he works loads, but, he find a few hours for football matches during the season and I’m sorry but NOTHING is stopping him see his friends maybe every other Saturday evening for a few hours (he manages the local pub for a few hours many times a week, he claims his escape and so he talks to people as he doesn’t talk to his gf he has a child with and works with 10 hours a day (!), I know he just likes the pub…more lies to get me to feel sorry for him. He used to socialise with his friends and his gf lots (the first 2 years we were together, which I accepted)…but then they moved from the edge of the city to the end of the peninsula which is just hard to get too and not somewhere you can pop too. But he lies…says it’s work…no you’ve seen your friends a lot less since you strangely moved FURTHER from me!

        Oh there is so much (which all of us here understand) I wouldn’t know where to start, but an affair is just that. I understand and do appreciate that for the exceptions and the different circumstances from family, kids, financial, assets to emotions and so forth you can’t paint the time they leave and sort things out with the same brush…but….3 years?!.
        I left my ex beginning of 2014, more because I couldn’t handle doing this and also he drove me mad in our tiny bedsit and I was scared of him. After I left, my attached man started staying with me 2 nights a week, it was bliss as was usually the car and hotels before (gosh, who’d thought an intelligent level headed mid thirties girl would do such tacky things!) , by the Easter we chatted and he said give me a year. I was cool with that and accepted it as I knew this 6 months beforehand he needed time and he was honest with me (had a few wobbles but didn’t do too badly in 2014) that he had to carry on with his normal life as the business was just ticking over and he needed it to work properly to take a salary.
        He even said ‘book us a holiday for next year (2015) to prove I’m definitely serious about leaving’.
        Well, of course I’m too sensible to pay for something like that, well you guessed it…2.5 years after that suggestion…we’ve not even had a weekend together! He is still in the whole relationship routine and I’m not sure how other women get to spend so many weekends with their married men but I guess all our circumstances are different. He is still in a tight schedule, I get b*tchy and say ‘the shackles are on, off you go home’ – but I have no right, however awful and nasty or screwed up his GF is meant to be, she expects him home after work. The latest we could work was 7pm, so he’d come back to mine (or ours, I moved, he claimed it was his sanctuary…still does…but he has stayed here only once in 2 months and that was for my birthday and at first he made a fuss about it saying he couldn’t leave his eldest daughter with his gf as she”d moan when he left that he made her look after his child….erm…what about the 2.5 years when you stayed here 2/3 nights a week until June this year?!….he lied and said he had a BBQ and couldn’t drive back because was drinking…I can’t quite fathom how after 3.5 years the lies are so bad just to see me….he shouldn’t be living with her anymore…OMG typing this the poor girl!!) I can’t remember my point now!. Oh – yes, he is still in a full time relatinship with routine and please don’t accept any other rubbish they will tell you…YOU are in the tight ROUTINE too…a ROUTINE around HIS ROUTINE!!! I think it was just, like all the rest of these attached and married men, they deny a normal life at home but it’s EXACTLY what they have, and why we get pathetic little breadcrumbs.

        I’d like to tell the newbie researchers on this subject who are going through this right now looking for answers and help…the No Contact rule is a popular one. Although like I learnt the beginning of July this year…it might not give you the results you want!
        After I returned to work and his first week not being there (we’d worked together for 4 years, was a huge shock, we worked on pieces of the project together 60% of the time, that’s how closely we worked for a good 3 years of the time!) he didn’t contact me in the day. I went from chatting to him on messenger all day long, and seeing him (was a few desks away – to nothing! now this put me into shock, not only was he my rock at work as he taught me loads and when I felt stressed he calmed me down etc and helped and I got through everything with his help etc). But, when I didn’t hear from him as he claimed to be so busy he didn’t even go to toilet in 9 hours (yeh yeh he is in the office, with his gf!! he cant use his phone but he won’t admit that!!!) I thought ‘is the sign of things to come?’ – then that was it. I was angry, upset, felt utterly dropped and rejected, forgotten…so I didn’t reply and thought ‘this’ll teach him, I won’t speak to him, he totally relies on my supports and understanding and needs me’. I tried to get stronger each day, and felt refreshed and proud of myself, I felt sad a few times but was too angry things had come to this after 3.5 years I didn’t see the point.
        I excelled at work those few weeks as I’d also lost my team lead, and just put heart and soul into what I had to achieve. A colleague who is actually a close friend of my AM for about 10 yrs, managed to keep his job but needed somewhere new to stay, he came over and liked the room so I got that sorted too (there was no more rent from the AM). Anyway, after 2 weeks I felt awful, well I did on the weekends as I had got it in my head that he’d be going mad not hearing from me (I could see he was constantly checking the app we communicate on and he hides from his gf) …I was totally 100% convinced he would turn up on my doorstep, the first weekend he didn’t, so really thought the second he would. But he didn’t. I can’t explained how shocked I was, again. I contacted him after 2 weeks about a phone number change and new mobile (it was an excuse, but I needed one as I was going mad suddenly, I couldn’t keep this fake confidence up). He kept his response neutral but friendly, then I got angry at his lack of care and he threw it back at me. Anyway I won’t go more deeply into that, but just to warn others, No Contact is a great idea and I understand through research it’s hard (I know!) and sometimes it takes a few attempts to get it right, but, please do not expect the married man to come running. They do nothing…and this is because they have nothing to offer us except the same lies and excuses. So, they do nothing. We are not feeding them the ego boosts they need, they don’t like rejection themselves, and really they don’t think as much as we do! (same applies to both married women).
        When I did ask and he messaged, he said that he felt he had lost the only human that he respects the opinions of, the only adult contact that means something to him and those few weeks he felt like he’d lost a limb and I will never ever know where he was (think he meant in his head). WELL…isn’t that FUNNY! So we have no contact for a few weeks, he neither phones me (never does, I phone him when he is ‘free’ so I’m not on his phone bill bet many can relate to that!) …he doesn’t text…write…email…messages…NOTHING! Now, if I am THAT IMPORTANT…why did he do nothing? Why? because he isn’t leaving…I used to say he ‘can’t’ leave, but it’s a choice, however it may mess things up in many ways for a while. and I’m not his gf, I’m sure if I lived with him he’d have contacted me after not hearing from me after 10 hrs. That hits home…..IF I was his partner…he WOULD contact me. Like I know he contacts her all the time. And by saying all these amazing things about me being the only adult contact he respects blah blah…he is sucking me back in making me feel great about myself etcetc. Very very clever indeed! It hurt so so much, I really thought it would take no more than 24 or 36 hours for him to message me again..chase me…oh boy was I in shock 2 weeks later! It was the first time I had done this, and even if he did miss me, it’s never enough for him to do the right thing.
        Yes I could see he was online again and again (I’m the only person he speaks to on the app)..but he did NOTHING. Because he can offer NOTHING. All the chasing needs to be done by me…which is utter madness considering he isn’t single so why would I chase?! The actions of a Narcissist, and like you all, we all have a millions stories, can flag a million obvious lies…but we still say ‘oh he treats me like a princess etcetc and does everything for me and he is only doing this and being deceptive because he is sorting things out to leave, it’s not his fault, it must be awful for him at home, my poor poor AM/MM…..’ …of course he does, because he does it to satisfy and please himself, (treat us well, gives THEM a buzz, we feed their egos) it’s nothing to do with the fact he truly cares!

        And if things are so bad….especially when he left this gf in 2010 for a few months and he had a fling,…he went back to her…opened a business….tried hard to have a baby…bought a house…still is growing the business…he says he left her as she treated him badly and ran him down lowering his self esteem blah blah…well she couldn’t have treated him THAT bad to go back to her, move 300 miles to where she did (happens to be where he grew up as her folks moved that way and she followed)…open a business, rely on this business and have a baby and the house he bought, the huge detached amazing house 8 months into OUR affair when he woudln’t leave me alone and kept telling me i was the love of his life…his gf is NOT that bad at all, you don’t make serious life decisions at his age (43 when this started, 46/47 now….) to do those things when you’ve also experienced a (apparently not great) marriage of 12 years previously and a child! why repeat history but 10 times worse? The MM is the problem, not his partner! He is the common denominator in all of this. And Blames EVERYONE else for HIS decisions! I have told him this…more excuses ‘oh she ran me down things got worse but I had no self esteem and thought better the devil you know’ <<< Clap trap!

        I went to the Narcissist site Sharon above mentioned. It does not matter what I'm reading about…so many traits and stories are him, and what he has done and said to me AND his gf (we are both played) and now I reckon the poor ex wife…no wonder she's a little crackers, I feel sometimes I may join her!. The one post that hit home VERY hard and made me gulp and feel tearful was 'In love with a married man' – it's amazing how one page essay compiled of simple, clear and concise paragraphs say so much. It's hard to read, but if we deny the truth…..we'll be here in another year, maybe 3 …or maybe 10. …and then I'll never get married or have children.

        So what am I doing now? Well, I downloaded on Kindle, this guys (H G Tudor)'No Contact: How to beat the Narcissist' – and yes I tried this before but as there is advice and other bits and pieces it is a good read so far. But what I have decided to do, which I've not done before (I've either ignored him all day or for 2 weeks, or pulled back but still within hours carried on friendly and enthusiastic as normal) is throw him MY BREADCRUMBS!. I'm exhausted from this, utterly utterly exhausted (it's funny as thought this earlier before buying the book…and in the book…Tudor mentions when you realise he's a narcissist or has some of the many traits, you'll suddenly feel exhausted! tbh felt exhausted 2 years ago from it all!) but now I'm playing it MY way for as long as I can. I know or actually, funnily enough, hope he doesn't turn up this weekend….and I know he is not going to chase as he has proved he won't (and lets face it, even if he did, NOTHING changes!) but he isn't getting my time, however little I have to do or however busy I become but can't stop thinking of him. In fact, to help me throw my neutral response breadcrumbs, I'm sitting here reading lots, texting friends, thinking about everyone I need to email and when I want to text again I start writing on here, hence why this is so long, I keep checking my phone but have nothing to say anymore! and this is doing me more good than messaging him back. His replies are neutral (but enthusiastic and friendly, but he knows there is something wrong…again) and I'm sure he is thinking 'oh here we go again, she's gone all funny on me' …whilst he sits at home next to his gf he claims doesn't sit next to him on the sofa anymore……you know…because the past year she hasn't needed to sit in their lounge between the hours of 6pm and 11pm to watch TV/read/work/surf the net…relax!…what utter rubbish…they also have 1 sofa!….he is checking his phone again and again (I've got an old phone I check to see when he was last online…it satisfies me for now!)….and all those days and evenings he claimed he was really busy with work and the laptop in the evening…suddenly I pull back and he is on the phone all the time checking for me….funny that…when he has snared me…he doesn't bother…I'm where he wants me.

        Not anymore…I'm too tired to be controlled anymore. Not sure how long I will keep this up, but trying to have convos with guys online, even if they are after one thing and not genuine…the distraction is good and attention and compliments making me feel a bit better 😊

        I'm so sorry for the long post, I initially replied to say thanks to Sharon but if I can keep giving bits of my story and help others too because if you've not waited as long as me and gone through some lonely, dark and sometimes depressing times then I'd love to help whilst sorting my own problems out!

        Don't be a doormat…you can be caring and loving and giving and we all seem to be…but care and love those that deserve it, starting with yourself 🙂 Men DO leave, but sooner rather than later and the ones that have certainly didn't put the women through years of torture! Yes…I'm still hoping…as I'm human….but I've come to realise…I don't think I really like him anymore. What a/an *insert rude word here* – smile, things will get better!

  108. Mistress O says:

    I am dating a married man, have been for 2 years next month. I believe I love him and now I want him to myself we share strong feelings for each other and he tells me he is not happy in his marriage, he looks after me pays my bills and we go out and sleep out sometimes and spend a significant amount of time together. I’m close to his mates and his dad is aware of our affair and just told him no more babies but he is a man so didn’t cautian him or tell him he is wrong. He has 3 kids and is a doctor and very committed, him and his Mrs have broke up before and got back for the kids sake and cos of what people will say cos in there culture divorce or separation is like one of the worst things.
    Anyway he set me up with my own hair business and does a lot for me. But now I feel he is meant to be mine and so badly want him for myself. He says he will leave his marriage only if his wife leaves him, that he doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy that broke it off.
    He is very public with me so how she don’t no puzzles me but then again he makes out like she is stupid and doesn’t watch him or distrust him but she must have an instinct, I myself is with someone but we’re been apart for a long while due to circumstances .
    My marries man said he wants to grow his children that’s why he stays (lame excuse really)
    I was tempted to tell the wife about us so that she can go, but she is useless and financially dependent on him so don’t see her moving for now.

    What should I do should I leave?
    I feel he will be mine someday when she decides she want out but that could take forever …. I love him so much. Plus there not sexually active anymore so what’s he hanging around for.

  109. Catherine says:

    I am wondering if I could get some support. I don’t have anyone I can share this with that I trust enough.

    I have been a Christian all of my life. Dedicated myself to the Lord when I was a little girl, and have done right for most of my life. I say most, because recently, I fell. I can’t seem to get back up.

    I have a wonderful marriage. The best husband, and I love him immensely. About 2 years ago, I met an older man (60 – I am 43), and he pursued me like crazy. He has a position of importance, and he is a doctor, and I fell hard for him. We are friends with him and his wife, and to be honest, always feel out of place in our friendship with them, because they are so different from us.

    I caved and started having this affair with the married man two years ago. It hasn’t been easy between us. We fight a lot because we are both headstrong, and although we love each other, I would not spend my life with him, and he would not with me. I don’t know why I am doing this. I have tried several times to end this, because it tears me apart, but I can’t seem to find the strength, and I miss him terribly when we break up.

    Recently, he started pulling back, saying doesn’t want to text so much any more, and has friended some very pretty younger woman on Facebook. I asked about the women, he said he friended them by mistake, but they comment and like his statuses on FB, so I don’t really buy it. He doesn’t call as much, doesn’t text as much, and I am pretty positive that he is moving on to his next experience, and will eventually leave altogether.

    He is married with adult children, and I am married with children myself. I don’t want to ruin our lives, and I want out so badly, I just keep getting sucked in with crumbs because it hurts to be without him. Can anyone please tell me how to stop hurting and end this once and for all? I want my soul back, I feel like i lost it along the way.

    I just need support, some encouraging words, and prayer. Mostly prayer. Please….

    • Caila says:

      I’m feeling like I lost myself too. None of us in this thread ever think it would have happened but it did and we fell hard. I think we just have to deal with the pain before it gets better. But we’ll always be in pain if it doesn’t end. I’m trying to tell myself to get the strength to end it. He’s 37 and I’m 25. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my time with someone that will never truly be with me. The only way to do it is just do it and take the pain but know that it gets better

      • Catherine says:

        That’s very true….its just so much easier said than done. This week is when it ends for me. I am making the choice now, and I will stick to it. I’ll let you know. I hope you find the strength you need to end it as well. Im bracing myself for the pain to come….I just hope I can bear it alone..

      • Sharon says:

        Catherine and Caila, go to baggagereclaim.com and order “The No Contact Rule” ($17 U.S.) ebook. It helped me a lot to understand why it was so important not to give up on myself and my beliefs of deserving better. Of course, the pain was still there and still strong, but 6 months later, I’m doing much better than I was and I know you will be too, if you can just get started taking care of yourselves first. Good luck to both of you!

    • Caila says:

      You’re not alone. I know it feels like it but you have so many people in your life that love you. I’m trying to tell myself that same thing. Be strong, we’re here for you

      • Catherine says:

        Carla,

        I ended it Sunday night. It was so painful, and he just didn’t respond at all. Its such strange feeling, to feel so empty. Today was a whole day of “no contact”, which is rare us. I couldnt sleep last night and I couldn’t focus today at work, but my resolve is strong.

        I told my Dad last night. We went for a walk, and he was so supportive of what I had done and what I had to do now. He is going to hold me accountable as well to make sure I don’t go back.

        The pain is real, but my resolve is still strong. Thanks for being there for me. I hope to return the favor for you one day. It’s the quiet times that I feel it most…

      • Catherine says:

        Sharon – thank you so much for all your help so far. I am following your advice, and today was Day One of the No Contact Rule. I am so encouraged to know you are 6 months later? Do you have any tips for the pain in the meantime?

      • Sharon says:

        Hi Catherine and Caila,

        I just hope both of you are doing good and No Contact is still being implemented. You both sound like strong women, which tells me, you can do this! I know you have the strength within you to do what’s right for you and you can stand in your own happiness again if you just start now. Good luck to both of you!

  110. Need strength says:

    It’s comforting to see others in the same situation that have moved on. It’s been almost 3 years with him. We work with each other, I see him almost everyday. He helped me start my business so that we could see each other more. I see this man as my soul mate and love of my life, but I’m laying here alone in bed crying and writing this. Im alone every night and live for the short moments that I see him. I spend birthdays alone, Christmas’s and holidays that he’s gone with him family. I feel so alone and isolated. Afraid to go out because I might miss a chance to see him. When I can’t see him he reminds me to think of all the good times, think of him holding me and that he cares about me. I’m so scared of losing him that I can’t find the courage to end it. Im afraid that I won’t find someone that I love as much as him. I know that it’s not real I just don’t know how to let go. It’s comforting knowing that I’m not alone. I just don’t know how to leave my best friend

    • Sharon says:

      Need Strength (NS), I saw your comment in regard to me having my head on my shoulders. Trust me, it wasn’t there for nearly 5 years when I was with the MM. All I can say to you is, your time with him will never get any better. The only thing that will happen is you will lose more and more of your soul. Please don’t do that to yourself. For me, during the time I was with my MM, I’d read so many things people had to say in regard to their situations and I always thought, “yeah, but my relationship is so different”. The conclusion I came to is that all of our situations are different, yet we’re all being used by these men. My MM was just like yours. He’d tell me everything I needed to hear to keep me waiting (his words of love were constant), yet the goal posts were constantly being moved for one reason or another. NS, I know how hard it is to want to believe that these men are being honest and true with their feelings for us, but it just is not real. That was one of the hardest things for me to believe, but I no longer had a choice. I had to believe it. He never really loved me and all I was to him was a supply source. You are almost 3 years in with this man, please while you’re spending your time alone, at least do yourself a humongous favor and educate yourself, even if right now you don’t want to believe what you read or hear to be true. I wish there was something I could say to help you let go of him, I really do, but I know we all have to go through our own process and in our own time before we finally come to the realization that what we’re really faced with is an addiction to these men. What we go through with them is seriously no different than someone trying to get off meth, heroine, cocaine, etc. When we’re away from them, we go through the same type of withdrawals and we want to go back just as bad to get another fix. PLEASE go to narcsite.wordpress.com and at least read what the author (an admitted Narcissist) has to say. I know for a fact you won’t believe your MM is this type of guy in the beginning, but the more you read up on Narcs, the more you may just realize how deeply ensnared you really are. NS, I know what it’s like having the thoughts, the feelings and the pain of leaving your best friend, but you have to start thinking of him in reality, not the fantasy world he has you believing. That was another area I struggled to come to terms with, realizing I was in a fantasy he had created for himself. NS, as much as I know you don’t want to hear this, or believe it even for a second, you have to do your best to try and hear me when I say, what you have with him is not real. I’m so so soooo sorry, but it just isn’t and I don’t want any other woman to waste another single second of their lives believing this type of life is a good thing for them. Please, please take care of yourself first and foremost and try your best to stop listening to everything your being told by him. He’s only telling you things so his own needs can be met.

    • Sharon says:

      Need Strength, this may or may not help you, but I thought if you wanted to go back to the beginning of when I first started posting on this site, you can see that I was in the exact same place as you are now and you can get through this in time. I’ll give you the dates, but please note, I used a different name in the beginning because I was ashamed of what I had been doing. I’m not ashamed anymore because if I can help just one of you on here, I’m all for admitting who I am and the mistakes I’ve made. Anyway the dates are as follows:

      Sharon April 13, 2016
      Sharon Twitchell April 22, 2016
      Sophia May 29, 2016
      Sophia June 13, 2016
      Sophia June 27, 2016
      Sharon July 16, 2016
      Sharon July 15, 2016
      Sharon August 2, 2016

      Good luck to you! XO 🙂

      • Caila says:

        Thank you Sharon, your strength helps me see that there’s light at the end of this dark tunnel. I’m 25 and I just don’t want to waste my life. This situation will never end well. Whether it’s now or 5 years from now. These tiny little moments of love that I get to see him are not what I deserve. But it’s what I feel like I deserve. I’m so scared to lose him. I’ve invested 3 years of my life falling more and more in love with this man. But it will never be the way I want. And he’s told me that. I just feel so alone without him. He’s become my world. Thank you for your support. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one out there going through this. I definitely need your help,
        Caila (need strength)

      • Sharon says:

        Hi Caila. It looks like you received the post of mine that you commented on before the first one I sent (which at this point doesn’t look like it’s posted yet). Either way though, I wanted to tell you in regard to your most recent comment, YOU ABSOLUTELY DESERVE MORE AND BETTER than what he’s giving you. What he’s allowing you to go through is not love, period. Caila you can also go to baggagereclaim.com and order the E book “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl”. Two of the biggest reasons us women struggle to let go is because we’re afraid of rejection and neglect. Most of the times, it stems from something in our past and the books I’m referring to you, as well as others, truly helped to give me strength because they showed me what I was doing to help my MM destroy me. Caila there is light at the end of the tunnel and if you have any ounce of belief in God, Angels or anything it’s time to pray for strength, courage, guidance and love for yourself. I’m not a religious person, but I am a spiritual one and I know for a fact that praying with everything I had inside of me is what helped to open my eyes and heart to the truth and to answers.

        You are so young Caila. I’m 52 and, although there’s 25 years between us, we have both been deceived and put through an immense amount of heartache and pain. Please find yourself now, while you still have a full life ahead of you, because anything less than that is not your purpose for being on this planet. And your purpose is definitely not to satisfy some man who isn’t willing to change his life for you RIGHT NOW, no questions asked. If these men truly loved us, and they were truly unhappy in their marriages, no obstacle or barrier (my MM’s favorite words) would stop them from being with us. It’s time for you to stop being afraid of losing him and start being afraid of losing yourself, which is what you’ve already done because of him, and does he care about what’s happening to you? NOT AT ALL! I’m sorry for being so blunt, but he doesn’t or he wouldn’t allow you to go through all of this pain. Pain, which by the way, is because you’re giving your soul to the devil. Do not invest anymore of your precious time and life to anyone who isn’t willing to give you theirs.

        Caila these words you used, “I feel so alone without him, he’s become my world” are words you need to change because you are not alone and he is not your entire world. He is a part of you, no doubt, and may forever be to some degree, but this world is your world, not his and you need to live it as such. You deserve peace and happiness and love and I am here for you if you ever need to talk. If you want my email address just say so. I’ll be happy to help you by giving you all the information I have. I know this website and so much more was given to me by the Grace of God and I know He wants me to share it with whoever will listen. Don’t think for a second that you came upon this site by accident because you didn’t, I can assure you of that. XO 🙂

  111. Rossy says:

    I’ve dated married man for 8 months. He is 39 years old and I’m 26 years, and he is my boss. This relationship began 2 years ago. At first, we shared same feeling and he made me so happy. Then we dated for 5 months. But, finally I know that he had another mistress beside me and their relationship has started from 4 years ago. I broke him up and try to rebuilt myself for the next 10 months.
    When I finally can move on, he tried to seduce me once more, and I fell for him once again. Now I think, it’s so easy for him to seduce and manipulate me because he is my boss. And we started over from the beginning of this years.
    Last week, his another mistress came to my office and slapped me in front of other people and said awful things about me. He still with his mistress when he had his relationship with me (if this true, he has 1 wife and 2 mistress – what an amazing man *crying*).
    He asked me to meet him personally, because he wants to explain everything. But I’m thinking that maybe this is enough for me. It’s time for me to move on from this awful relationship. When I re-think, I can’t live without him. He is my inspiration and my life, and actually he is my boss.

    Please help me,,, what should I do… I’m crying everyday and don’t know how to do.

    • Sharon says:

      Rossy, please read the attached link before you keep allowing yourself to go deeper into the pit of hell. You need to go NO CONTACT now because this man will destroy your life and steal your soul. There are many other short blogs by this author and it would do you a world of good to educate yourself on what you’re truly dealing with. Good luck! XO

      https://narcsite.wordpress.com/2016/09/01/leave-me-alone/

    • Jenn says:

      It’s been 3 days since I’ve talked to my married man. His wife found out about our 7 month long affair because he gave her herpes. He admitted the affair and admitted he was in love w me and wanted a divorce. She said she wanted to keep the family together and would do anything. She called me and asked me to stay away from him and I dI’d but not for very long. We went 19 days w out talking to each other and just 2 weeks ago he came back. He told her he had been talking to me and was in love w me. He drove 2.5 hours this past weekend to be w me and she knew it. He told me he was leaving her and it was over. He cried and begged forgiveNess for letting me go the first time. He left and I didn’t hear from him all day Monday. Tuesday he emailed me and said he had to end this he was hurting me and his wife was so sick mentally he was going to have to take her to hospital. He said he is hurting everyone and it’s tearing him apart. He said he needs to get help. He said this last weekend was the real him and that he loves me but he has to get help. Why did he do this. I know he loves me. All she cares about is their house and the kids and what is everyone going to think. She called me again and asked me to stay away from her husband and I told her I was in love w him and he was in love w me and we are going to be together and she will have to accept that and wonder where he is going everytime he leaves. I said we are in love and she can’t keep is apart. I know that was cruel but it’s the truth. She said how can you threaten to take my husband he is my husband. I said that doesn’t seem to matter to him cause he keeps it up w me. I said don’t be surprised when he serves you w divorce papers. You can’t keep him of he doesn’t want to be kept.

      • Jenn says:

        I’m so sad and lost. I love this man and I know he loves me. He is just so torn and I don’t know why I can’t let go. He told me how miserable he was the few weeks we were apart. He said he has nobody to talk to like we talk. I said talk to your wife and he said its not like that. They are so disconnected. Then why the hell are you still there. He said she guilted him and threatens him. Please help me thru this. I don’t have any friends I can tell. I’m begging you

      • Need strength says:

        Jenn I am in the same situation. You are in a trusting place with all of us. I have a strong connection with my man and don’t know how to give up my best friend. But we have to be honest to ourselves if it’s been years and he won’t leave her. You deserve more. You deserve someone to give you their entire heart, not just little happy moments here and there. Im starting to realize the same thing. You have a friend and are not alone

  112. Koala says:

    I’m really struggling at the moment.
    After four years of seeing my married man we stopped talking in the first week of July.
    He’d been a bit of an arse recently even though he’d apologised so I was being a bit off with him.
    He said let me know if you want to meet tomorrow and I said ok and then he just stopped talking.
    Messaged me a week later saying hey you had time to think about it yet?
    Like what an idiot, so I just ignored it and he hasn’t spoke to me since.
    It is absolutely killing me I don’t know why he hasn’t bothered trying to make things ok.

    • Sharon says:

      Go to narcsite.wordpress.com.

      You may not be at a place yet (in your mind, heart and soul), for any of this to register fully, but trust me, you will gain all the answers and knowledge you need to know to help you get through this painful and difficult time. If I can say one thing right now, DO NOT contact him again. DO NOT respond back to him at all because you’re just feeding into him.

      The site I’m referring you to is a blog from an admitted Narcissist and it is the most intriguing, educational and scary stuff you will ever read. It may sound a bit harsh to many because most of us are oblivious to, or in denial of, what a Narc is capable of. Just just from what you’ve said in your message alone, I can almost guarantee your married man is one, just as mine was, and everyone else’s is. Good luck, Koala, and please just open your mind, heart and soul to other possibilities than him (so called) loving you. If, or when, you go to the site, search “The 10 Obligations of an Empath”. It will be a good place to start.

      • Koala says:

        Thanks for the link it’s really interesting.
        Just the longer it goes on the more I want to speak to him, it’s been like five or six weeks and it’s killing me and I just think how can you just not talk to me? He’s never done this. I don’t know if he’ll ever come back it hurts so much.
        How can you just stop thinking about someone after four years ???
        And he’d never tell me if he loved me or not.

      • Sharon says:

        Koala, I absolutely get what you’re going through. My ex-Married Man, did the exact same thing to me after nearly 5 years. No warning, no nothing. He knew I was getting to a place of being finished with the charade, and instead of me reaching the deadline I had set, he went out in typical Narcissist fashion … giving me the silent treatment. Honestly, Koala, the best thing I ever did was to not contact him back. The website I gave you will tell you many times over and over again, what going back to him will do for you and for him. He’ll keep taking from your soul, as long as you’re willing to give it away. They don’t need you, they need all of your goodness inside of you, because they have absolutely none. That’s why they cheat. Nothing is ever good enough for them, not their wives, not you, not anyone. They will continue searching the world over for their fuel supply (you and me), but absolutely nothing will ever fill them up. The hardest thing for me to get through my head and believe was the fact that none of what I thought was real, was real to him. NONE OF IT! I hate to sound so harsh, but it’s the truth you and me and everyone (men/women) in our situations need to know. It’s time society wakes up to what these people are capable of.

        Another site you can go to, which is where I first began, is baggagereclaim.com. She has an ebook called “The No Contact Rule”, which you can purchase for 17$ in the U.S. It was the best place for me to begin because I was completely devastated by that man did to me. Trust me, I wished day in and day out for 5 months that he would show back up, but just last week, I finally changed my locks because I learned that the last thing I want to have happen, is for him to come back. You are entangled in his web and now is the time for you to fight like hell to get out. Do not lose your soul to that man … PLEASE 🙂 XO

      • Sharon says:

        P.S. Again, I DO NOT mean this to be harsh, but you’ll learn it if you’re willing to truly educate yourself.

        The reason he can stop thinking about you after 4 years is because: 1) he’s found a replacement AND, 2) he never really loved you.

        I’m sorry, but I had to accept the cold hard truth myself.

      • Sharon says:

        Sorry to bombard you, Koala, but if I can help just one person, I will. When you go to Narcsite.wordpress.com do a search for “In Love with a Married Man”. A few others that might help you are:

        How No Contact Feels – part 1 (part 2 will show up as well)
        Enjoy the Silence
        Nagging Itch

        If or when you read anything that interests you, send the author a comment. He always replies back with the brutal truth; and honestly, it’s what you really need to hear now more than anything.

      • Sharon says:

        One last thing, DO NOT EVER tell anyone who may be a Narcissist that he/she is one, it could be dangerous to do so. Just something I learned as well.

      • Koala says:

        Hi Sharon
        Don’t apologise it’s nice to be able to speak about it.
        I’ve had a look at that blog like esp that nagging itch one its so true 🙁
        I don’t want to message him but I think if he contacted me right now I wouldn’t be able to ignore him :/ I don’t think he will though it’s been too long.

      • Sharon says:

        Koala, I don’t say this to give you “hope” that your married man will come back, I say it because, chances are he very well could at some point. The thing I would love for you to understand though is that every time you go back, and supply his needs, he will make damn sure you feel his wrath more than the time before. If you’re anything like me, I use to think, “God, this can’t be who my Married Man is because he was “always” so loving and good to me”. The truth I realized is he never was good to me because he pulled me into that position in the first place. Anyone who truly loves us would never deliberately hurt us right from the beginning. We were their targets and they knew exactly what they wanted from us and could careless what our needs were or are. I’m not a religious person, but I am a spiritual one and I will pray that you’re given the strength, the courage, the wisdom and the light you’ll need to move away from the dark place you’re in. Take care of yourself and just keep educating yourself 🙂 XO

      • Koala says:

        Thanks It just seems to be getting harder and harder. It’s been over seven weeks now since I last spoke to my married man that’s almost two months! It’s horrible I can’t get my head around it and what’s worse is I can’t stop seem to think about him. And it’s not like I’m not keeping myself busy because I am, I go to work, college, spend time with my friends I’m not really just sat at home doing nothing. But I still dream about him and cry over him whilst he’s most likely not even thinking about me at all. 🙁 ugh. It’s my birthday tomorrow and it’s going to absolutely kill me.

      • Sharon says:

        Koala, it definitely gets harder before it gets easier, please go easy on yourself and just take it a day at a time. Don’t think about the future, even meaning tomorrow. It took at least 3 months before I could finally begin even thinking somewhat clearly. It’s really good that you’re keeping yourself busy, but as I said, use all your spare time to educate yourself on what your relationship really was. I’ll be honest, Koala, I think we will always think of our MM, but eventually, the pain that goes along with it will subside. I promise you! I have no idea if you’re religious or spiritual in any way, but I am a very spiritual person and I’ll tell you, I was on the floor crying out for help from God, from my spirit angels, from anyone who would listen to me. I know the torture you’re going through and if I can say one thing … TALK! Talk to friends, go to a counselor (I finally had to), pray if you believe in doing so, but don’t go back to him. Hell if you have no one else to talk to, I’ll give you my email address and you can talk to me. I just don’t want you going back! I want you to get strong and be the woman you’re meant to be. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, to you and this is the year to give yourself the greatest gift of all … YOURSELF!!!

      • Need strength says:

        Sharon,
        You seem to have a really good head on your shoulders about this and I need help being strong. I can’t find it in myself to leave I am so emotionally wrapped up in him. I live for those little moments that I see him even though I know that all I have are those little moments and nothing more. I spend my nights alone wishing he were here. I know I deserve more I just don’t know how to get to that point and just let go.

  113. Kelly says:

    Wow, did this hit home with me. I became involved with a close friend who was a married man after I divorced. He told me how much he loved me and felt that we were meant to be together and how he was going to leave his wife. Well it’s 2 years later and he’s still there. I can’t believe how much time and energy I wasted on this man. I admit I miss his company and the way he looked at me and the way he touched me. But I realize I need and deserve so much more. Looking back I realize how toxic it was to sit at home on holidays while he was with his family or not show affection in public.

    To anyone who is still involved with a married man, all I can say is end it NOW. Yes the pain is terrible and you wonder how you can go on without him. But the sense of freedom you feel when you free yourself rom the lies and deception and constant disappointment is empowering. Thank you to everyone on this board who shared their stories and have given me the strength to end this for good.

  114. Van says:

    Thank you for this… It took a complete stranger to help me realize that this is not what I deserve. Everything you have written makes so much sense.

  115. norma says:

    Laura hes just using you nothing more, lies lies lies, iv been there, if he really wanted you for real, he would leave his wife and all his commitments, , married men will say anything, to get you into bed, because in reality its all they are after, wise up girl, I did

  116. Laura says:

    It’s been really helpful to read your experiences, they’ve given me strength to stick to my guns and cut ties with the man I’m in love with. My situation is a little different however…

    I was friends with Ryan for a few months before it developed into this. We only saw each other in a group environment (we work in the same office building and would often all go for drinks on a Friday) so it was very casual friendship, not someone I saw regularly or made plans with.

    One weekend I bumped into him on a night out, away from our work friends, and the attraction was electric. We danced all night and ended up losing our respective friends, completely lost in each other.

    I ended up getting stranded because my friend’s phone had died so he said I could stay in his spare room because his fiancée was away for the weekend. We ended up talking for hours that night and we both fell asleep in the spare room, fully clothed. In the morning, he kissed me, and it was the most intense, passionate kiss I’ve ever felt in my life. But I pushed him away – I said I didn’t want him to feel guilty for cheating on his fiancée. He agreed, we said we’d forget about it, and I left.

    The following week, I bumped into him after work and we ended up getting left by all of our workmates because we were so absorbed in each others conversation. We kissed again and it was even more intense than the first time. It was so uncontrollable, I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t stop it.

    We tried to stay away from each other, tried to cut contact, but the attraction was too strong. Now four months later he’s the first person I speak to in the morning, the last person I speak to at night, and we snatch any time we can on the phone or in person that we can. Four months doesn’t seem like a long time but we’ve spent at least 3 nights a week together (he travels for work) during that time, and are constantly in touch with each other. He waits for his fiancée to go to sleep then calls me for 3 hours every night.

    We’re madly in love and want to be together, but he says he can’t decide what to do because the wedding is being arranged by his sister, and he has a 13 year old son (with another woman) who is close to his fiancee.

    He says he doesn’t really love her anymore but feels he’ll be disappointing everyone if he backs out of the wedding. But I feel he’s making a mistake if he really is in love with me – how can he live a lifetime with someone else when all he can think about is me? I don’t understand. Part of me is wondering if he’s just having his cake and eating it too, while he still can…

    Anyway, this all came to a head at the weekend because he was going on holiday to Italy with his fiancée. I told him I didn’t want him to call me until he’s decided whether he wants to be with me or not because it’s not fair. Why should I be stuck in at home waiting for him to call when he’s on holiday with his fiancée? It’s disrespectful to both of us. He said he can’t decide in a week because it isn’t enough time. I honestly don’t think he’ll leave her, he cares too much about his family’s feelings for her. I know he loves me, he’s cried so many times about the situation, but I believe if you really genuinely love someone you’ll do almost anything to be with them…marrying someone else is going to guarantee we’ll never be together.

    He keeps trying to call me and it’s killing me not to answer, but I know I have to stick to it. I’m so depressed. But I’m not carrying on being a secret, I deserve a man who can love me 100% of the time, as we all do. I’ve chosen him, I need him to choose me in return or let me go.

    I just need to keep reading your stories to give me the strength I need to get through this… Thank you ladies.

    • Sharon says:

      Hi Laura, I knew my ex-married man for 10 years before ever getting involved. He was my boss and our relationship was always on the up and up. One day that all changed, although it was never ever planned by either one of us. Looking back now though, after nearly 5 years of having what I thought was the most beautiful, loving relationship I could have ever imagined in my life, I do have to wonder if it really wasn’t planned by him. Don’t get me wrong, as beautiful and as loving as it was, it was still filled with lies, trips with his wife, and extensions on “his” deadlines. It wasn’t until I made the final deadline because I had enough that he up and disappeared. There was absolutely no warning whatsoever that indicated he would ever end things the way he did. If I can say one thing to you that I wish I would have done myself, it’s to stop contacting him now. Don’t look back 5 years from now and go through the would’ve, could’ve, should’ve routine. It seriously is not worth it and you’re absolutely right … If a man truly loves you and wants only you, NOTHING can stand in his way. At least not a strong, real man. A man with child characteristics will never have what it takes to move mountains for anyone. They’re too weak and too lazy and too afraid. Of course, they would never admit to that. They’d rather keep on manipulating and circumventing the situation that’s working for them. Good luck to you Laura! I know you can do this for you! XO ?

    • Sandy says:

      Laura,

      Please leave this man as soon as you could. I am with a married man for 2 over years. He stayed with me, eats with me, have sex with me, go tour with me, however, he still didn’t divorce his Wife and stay in contact. He done many things for his Wife which I only found out last week. It’s not 2 days or 2 months with him. It’s 2 Long years.

      He will give all kind of excuses to divorce his Wife and what is the point of him physical around me but fooling behind with his Wife?

      I have decided to make plans for myself now. Will try to find a place to move before this year and will not tell him much in details of my plan to leave him. He is not worth my time. Even when we argue about his Wife, he never failed to side her and do things secretly for her. It’s too tired for me. I want and try and hope to move out of his life gradually.

    • Jenny says:

      Laura,

      I hope you would stay strong. I am in the same boat and I hope sharing my story would make it easier for me too. I met this this married man a month ago. We talked, laughed. He understands my culture, my values. We had long conversations in the first meeting… We exchanged phone #. I am married and our marriage has issues but i have been living in denial. We have not had sex for about two years because of my husband’s ED. My husband loves me unconditionally.
      The married man texted me right away after we met and we texted everyday since. We met for happy hour few days later. It was so much fun and excitement. We met 4 times in the first week. He was funny, crazy, full of life experience and has a well respected career. He is married with almost 3 grown up kids. He made it clear that we are both married and this is a distraction from current life. That’s it. He can compartmentalize it and asked me to do the same. But it seems hard for me. We was physically intimate and it was amazing. We both know this is wrong but could not stop the texting, seeing each other for coffee… We both know this is going to be detrimental for my mental health in the long run. I deleted his phone # but when I received his text, i responded. It was fun to see him, but I started to feel disappointed that he needs to pick up kids at this hour, need to do this and that for this wife. We women often want more when we are attached to someone and this is not possible.

      Then I came across this blog and it gave me strength to ask him to stop texting me (which he tried before and it lasted little more than a day). I told him I am emotionally weak and I might text him in the future, pls do not respond to my text. That’s how he would help me and I know he would do it for my well being. It’s been 2 days that we did not text and I am a bit crazy. I keep reminding myself that I can do this, it would all be the past…

      • Jenny says:

        I do have respect for my married man in the fact that he did not play mind game with me. He was open that I was such a pure woman, unexposed to the badness in the world, and he would not promise any future in this relationship to confuse me. He just could not resist the attraction and excitement, and had to see me.

  117. Norma says:

    Sharon, I have just read about narcissistic behaviour and thats him to a T. I won’t be taking revenge, as I dont wish to drop to his level, and as you said, its not worth it for a married man, there are plenty more single men in the sea, but im not going looking, as im going to have me time, lots of things I want to do, but always put off because of him, and thank you

  118. Kristie says:

    I’m greatful that you ladies are sharing your stories, and experiences with these married men. Like most of you, I too was having an affair with a married man. It started as a casual friendship only at work. Then he offered as friends to take me out to dinner. We didn’t expect anything to go one but that. I as a women was going through a tough time in my life, and so he just happen to be right on time in supporting and talking me through it. I’m a very spiritual women, so in the back of my mind and heart I always womdered why is he hanging around me ? What is his goal ? Well after 3 plus years of having this man be apart of my life, I decided enough is enough and walked away. He claims for the past few months he’s been staying at his moms to start the divorce process but, I knew that wasn’t the case. He at this point I’m sure will craw back into his hole with his wife, who honestly I feel sorry for. Our relationship before I found out in July 2014, that he has sex with a women on my team at work was great. I started feeling that everything he’d done or said was a lie. He couldn’t even tell me he had a key to her home and would stop by to put up TVs.. Yea I’m sure that wasn’t all. However, me nor her were the 1st and won’t be the last. This man has been married for 24+ years and has had several affairs that I personally didn’t find out about until later. I’m glad to say it’s over, I’m done and don’t want to be a part of that circus any longer. I hope his wife gets a backbone and sees right through him. As I understand she depends on him for everything. As for me, I’m a educated career women who was lonely and made a completely huge mistake that I have learned from and continue to learn from. I know God has forgiven me, and I have most certainly forgiven myself. I think you ladies again for sharing your encouraging stories. Be blessed.

    • Sharon says:

      GREAT JOB, Kristie. It makes me happy to know you’ve left with confidence in yourself and peace back in your heart. It certainly isn’t easy, I know, but it goes to show the strength and love you have for yourself, and although I don’t know you, I’m proud of you! Men like that definitely do not deserve us!!! XO 🙂

    • Lost says:

      Kristie,
      I am happy for u to find the strength to get out of the situation. My story is a little different where a married man took advantage of me. I was going through some hard time like you, and he was there. I thought he was a friend but instead waiting for the right moment. To make the story short, I told his wife…They went to the police to try to file charges of harassment but it backfires. He was force to tell his wife and the police of his affairs throughout his marriage. His wife is still with him…I pity his wife, Gloria….they been together for 23 years but married 17 years…We live in the same building…Half of my neighbor knows he cheats for years…Why she stay is the million question..They don’t have children….It true love is blind….

  119. Anon says:

    Have been in an affair with a married man for 2 and half years. Im 19years old turning 20 in a few months. He was my manager at work and due to the nature of the business he was in I had met and spoken to his wife and kids many times. Initially it started out with just meeting at the workplace (when i wasnt working but he was) and talking about everything and anything. Then we kissed and few months later I lost my virginity to him. I carried on not feeling a single way about his wife and kids for months. Then about 6months ago he got into this argument with his wife (quite a big one) and they have not been sleeping together or normal together for 6 months. Im not being naive to this as he talks to his mum about his argument with her alot of the time and his brother aswell, infront of me. To have him to myself for this long has been amazing and now i cant imagine them two being normal together. He recently sold his business teo weeks ago and has been pretty much withdrawn himself from me seeing as he lives around an hour away from the business so whats the point of him coming into my town? For me? Who am i to him? Im so in love with him and completes me as a person but hes not giving me the time of day anymore and argues with me about me being needy for his time when all i want is at least a few days a week but since he has sold up he hasnt really shown his caring side at all. We met yesterday and talked about this and he told me he would never leave his kids for me and i told him im not asking him too and he said the wife and kids come as a package if she goes then the kids go too. I really cant let him go and he has told me he cant let me go either. I really am not strong enough to endure this but nor am i strong enough too let him go. Im really in the most unfortunate position and im to blame for this nobody else. I just need some real advice something so brutually honest so i can just toughen up i just really dont know what to do. I feel so used and second best but because im so in love im degrading myself so much and im hurting badly. Please help me

    • Norma says:

      I have gone back on my word , all the comments I have made, my married man has been in contact with me, he asked me if I would let him stay with me for the night, as his wife is away for a few, days, and haven’t had the chance to do this very often in the 5 years, so stupidity, I said yes, we arranged that he would come when she had rung him , which would have been about 11.30, we were messaging up to 11, then he stopped answering, and noticed he wasnt looking at my messages, and then noticed he had un installed the app, as I kept sending messages, I haven’t heard a word since, absolutely nothing, I even said just message me, to let me know what has happened, for peace of mind, but nothing, iv been strong with the no contact rule, but stupid me , went back on my word, I just cannot believe a man can do such a thing, in so hurt, and have spent most of the day crying, how cruel, can a person be, I feel he has just played me, for the fool that I am, my feelings at the minute is also anger, to tell his wife , as I have pictures etc, to prove everything, but whats the point its obvious, its his revenge, for me ending it in the first place, so now I can see what a weak narssic man he is, hasn’t got the guts to say sorry but iv changed my mind, well iv definitely made up my mind no more married men they are the pits, if I had stayed strong, I wouldn’t be having this hurt and humiliation, and the trouble is most of them get away with it.

      • Sharon says:

        I’ve said it before. Read up on Narcissistic/Sociopaths, especially before your anger gets the better of you and you try taking revenge. Not worth it. None of it! Good luck and stay strong.

  120. Andy says:

    So I am really confused and I need your advice. I had a year long affair with a co-worker MM. His wife found out and he ended it but he never told me no-contact. I had to send him a don’t talk to me other than professionally letter. It hurt for me to hear how relieved he was that she knew and they were having an awesome sex life. They were working it out, great, leave me alone, I don’t need to know every detail. FF to 5 months later and here we are at it again. Not sexual but some serious flirting and him going back and forth, find someone else, its not fair to you. So I got angry and asked him straight out, do you want me or not, and he said he wants me but that he cant have sex. So if he wants me in his life and knows that we cannot take it to the next level, what are his intentions? To wait for an opportunity? I feel sorry for his wife, he doesn’t seem sorry at all that she was hurt or that she feels so insecure that she monitors his every movement on GPS and every email work and personal, all communications. Instead he feels incredibly stuck. He says, he could lose his kids, so why do it? Why reach back out to me? Why risk talking to me when you know we cant be intimate? You would risk your family to remain friends? That sounds really dumb and it confuses me.

    • Norma says:

      Andy, because you are letting him , leave him alone it proves he doesn’t want you, that he has stayed with his wife, why are you confused, seems to me your willing in his games, he doesn’t love you , or his wife, the only person he loves is himself

      • Andy says:

        He did come back to me yesterday and tell me 1) he couldnt take the lying that he has been doing this last week and we needed to end it and 2) he wanted to make it up to me by giving me physical intimacy. I cried, and I mean I bawled. He didnt realize I had feelings for him. I acted very cold the last time we ended it. And what did I do? Like a HUGE dummy, we snuck away yesterday and today to have breakup nooky. Afterwards, he hugged me and kissed me and said that everything would be okay, time would lessen my hurt and my feelings for him. One thing sticks in my mind, he asked me what made me fall for him and it was him telling me to look him in the eyes when we were being intimate. Today he said, note to myself, not to look a girl in the eyes, which tells me I wont be the last. But if we can make this stick and really never talk to each other again, at least I wont be the straw that broke his marriage. He admitted everything to his wife, at least 5 other affairs, and he told me that while he regrets reconnecting because of the immense guilt he is feeling, he wished he had never been caught, he had a good thing going. I am going to look back on this message hopefully down the road and say, ugh, I seriously dodged a bullet by not giving my life to him.

  121. Sharon says:

    I was with a married man for 5 years. All contact stopped 4 months ago. As painful and difficult as it was to go through that loss, I have learned so much since. After going to counseling, because of this affair, and reading numerous articles on the internet, I’ve come to the conclusion that most MM are considered to be Sociopaths/Narcissists and they really do not love anyone. As much as I didn’t want to believe this about my MM, I can no longer be in denial. You see, not all Narcissists are physically and/or physically abusive, the best ones are emotionally abusive, which is exactly what my MM did to me. Ladies please, if you hear nothing else at all, hear me when I say … HE WILL NOT LEAVE HIS LIFE OR HIS WIFE!!! He is extremely satisfied having all his toys (you and what you give to him) in the playpen that is his comfort zone provided by his wife. Trust me, I never wanted to believe it either that’s why it took me 5 years to break free from him, but now that I have I can’t tell you how relieved I feel. Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts at times, but at least I can see the truth for what it is and I am no longer in denial.

    • Sharon says:

      Correction to my above post … I meant to say, “physically and/or verbally” abusive.

      Also, a few more things to add and hopefully you’ll consider … the loving words a MM tells you is a form of manipulation and brainwashing and this is why it’s so damn difficult to cut ties from him. If he tells you he doesn’t want you to let him go or he never wants to let you go because “you’re the love of his life”, what he’s really saying is, “I’m afraid of losing control of you and I’m afraid you’re going to expose me”. Two of the Sociopath/Narcissists biggest fears (losing control and exposure).

      All I ask is that each of you educate yourselves on this being a real possibility of the relationship you’re having with your MM. If I can help save just one of you from being totally destroyed, then it will make me extremely happy that I took the time to say what I did.

      Also, I just ordered a book called: Entangled with a Sociopath by Florence St. John. I haven’t read it yet, but it sounds very interesting. I want to quote one thing that is said on the FB site … “Some people hear the word sociopath, they imagine a psychopathic killer, but sociopaths do not kill the body. They are killers of souls”.

      And a side note: In the past, on this site, I have used the name “Sophia”. I did so because I was afraid, but I am no longer afraid. I have found myself again and since I have I’ve decided to now use my real name … Sharon. To each one of you, I sincerely want you to take care of you first and foremost because you absolutely deserve the very best in this life

      XO 🙂

  122. Taylor says:

    I stumbled across this page last night on my way home from work and it has been so helpful to read everyone else’s stories and to not know that I am the only woman who had an affair with a married man. I met him at work 10 months ago, and we have always had a flirty relationship and it ended up turning more serious 4 months ago when after texting each other for a week or so we both admitted we had feelings for each other. We ended up spending more and more time together at work and after work, we would message all day every day and I fell in love with him and he fell in love back (or at least I assume he did when he was looking my straight in the eye telling me he’d loved me since I first started working there). What makes this all worse is that he does have 2 young kids and he has always been honest and said that he doesn’t know how he can not see them everyday but that he cannot ignore his feelings for me and that he can’t stay in a loveless marriage where all they do is argue. Fast forward a couple of months and his wife found messages on his phone between us. I backed off said he needed to stay with her and work it out for his kids (hardest thing I’ve done), he agreed but 2 days later things started up again. By this point we hadn’t actually slept with each other. A couple of weeks later we do end up sleeping with each other and it was amazing. Things were so good and he was making me promises of a future together, never gave me a time which I understand, but promised with all his heart we would one day be together. Fast forward to now, his wife has found more messages, sent me an abusive message which I can understand, told him he can never see or speak to me again and that if he wants to make it work (which he has said he doesn’t but has to because he can’t be away from his children) that he has to quit his job and not work out his notice. So now all I am left with is the chance of everyone finding out at work that one of the best employees there is quitting because of me (no one knows about us but I’m sure they will guess), I have to deal with this heartbreak which feels like a break up even though he was never actually mine, and be at work every day knowing its my fault he’s not there and that I have nearly destroyed a family. I’m really struggling with all of this and genuinely cannot see how to be happy again. But it is helping to know I’m not the only one in this wor