How to Break Up With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart 1166


Your affair with another woman’s husband is painful, yet you can’t let him go because you love him. Here’s how to break up with a married man and heal your broken heart, plus encouragement from a woman who broke up with an unavailable husband that she was cheating with.


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This married man feels like to meet the most beautiful, perfect man for you. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted, you belong together…but he is another woman’s husband. He belongs to someone else morally and legally – even though he makes you feel like you’re “the one” for him. And yet, you know that the affair is toxic.

It’s time to reclaim your life and emotions, and learn how to emotionally detach from this relationship. Here, you’ll learn how to break up with a married man – and even more importantly, you’ll discover ways to let go of someone you love. I also encourage you to read through the comments section below. My readers are discussing how difficult, painful, and destructive it is to keep hanging on to an affair with a married man.





You need to heal, to set your heart free from the guilt, shame, grief, pain, and heartache. It’s a huge mistake – destructive emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially – to have an affair with another woman’s husband. You know this isn’t real love, and you know the married man won’t leave his wife for you.

Maybe you feel like he’s the only man for you because he told you that you’re the only woman he truly loves. Maybe you can’t get rid of your hope and dream that he’ll leave his marriage for you. Or maybe deep down you secretly enjoy the secrecy and lies, dishonesty and pain of having an affair with a married man.

But you’re here because you want to be free of the guilt, shame, and self-loathing that accompanies cheating with another woman’s husband. You want to let him go, and start healing your spirit, heart, soul, and body.

How to Break Up With a Married Man

Here’s what one of my readers said about breaking up with the guy she was having an affair with:

“I became involved with a married man after my divorce,” says Kay on How to End Your Toxic Love Affair Now – Before It’s Too Late. “He told me how much he loved me, and thought we were meant to be together. He said he was going to leave his wife, but he never did. I can’t believe how much time and energy I wasted on this man. The lies, deception and constant disappointment of having an affair with a married man was awful. I admit I miss his company and the way he looked at me and the way he touched me. But I realize I need and deserve so much more! Looking back I realize how toxic it was to sit at home on holidays while he was with his family, and only see him when he was available. We never showed affection in public, and we could never spend time with friends as a couple.”

You are not alone

A few years ago, I wrote an article called How to Stop Cheating in a Relationship. I didn’t think anyone would read it because I thought it’d be easy to not cheat! I was wrong. Recently I’ve had some very honest conversations with my friends about dating married men, and I’ve realized that affairs are more common than I realize.

How to Break Up With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart

break up with a married man

But no matter how common it is to fall in love with and date a married man, it is degrading, dishonest, and disappointing. The affair will never go anywhere, and it’s not true love. True love means you can introduce the man you love to your family and friends. True love isn’t suppressed by secrets and deception. True love does not involve lying and secret meetings, lonely nights and unhappy days.

You know what true love is, and you also know that if the married man really loved you…he’d be with you every night. He’d leave his wife for you instead of lying to you, lying to her, lying to his children, and lying to himself.

Stop lying to yourself, your friends, your family

What lies are you telling yourself? How are you lying to your loved ones? Your guilt and shame will devour you. Yes, you love this married man. You must love him, otherwise you wouldn’t be sleeping with him because you know he’s another woman’s husband. You feel degraded and used. You know it’s a toxic and painful affair – not a real relationship – and yet you keep hanging on. You hate yourself for sleeping with another woman’s husband, and you also tell yourself that you can’t break up with this married man because you love him.

You question yourself: “What if he really is different?” “What if my married man’s excuses are actually valid?” “What if he really is on the road to end his marriage for me?”

But you know the truth: he won’t leave his wife for you. This married man likes having his wife at home and you as an extra perk on the side. He enjoys the feeling of both you and her loving him. He doesn’t respect you or his wife, and you no longer respect yourself. The longer you keep cheating with another woman’s husband, the worse and more degraded you will feel….and the harder it’ll be to break up with this married man and heal your broken heart.

Hold on to your future – for it is brighter than you imagine

After my reader Kay broke up with the married man she was having the affair with, she experienced deep grief and heartache. She was lonely, sad, and broken…and she was free. Now, she urges you to stop cheating with another woman’s husband.

“To anyone who is still involved with a married man, all I can say is end it NOW,” she says. “Yes the pain is terrible. You wonder how you can go on without him. But the sense of freedom and self-respect you’ll feel after the breakup is empowering. You’ll feel better about yourself and your life after ending the affair, and you’ll see the married man differently.”

Learn how to let go of someone you love

breaking up is hard to doIn How to Let of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart, I share valuable insights and comfort for women who want to emotionally detach from unhealthy relationships. It’s an ebook, so it’s immediately available. It’s not specifically about breaking up with a married man or getting over an affair with another woman’s husband, but it will help you move forward in your life.

Remember that you are letting go of a man who doesn’t belong to you. He is another woman’s husband; he stood in front of his family and friends and vowed to love her forever.

Don’t keep holding on to the affair; it is toxic and destructive. You know it’s time to go, or you wouldn’t be here! Remember that breaking up with a married man will be painful and sad, but it’s better for you in the long run. You’ll need to grieve the end of the affair, but you will be healthier and happier in the long run.

This married man is not free to love you the way you were created to be loved. You’re participating in a destructive affair that is darkening your soul and spirit. It’s not romantic, sexy, or charming to help a married man cheat on his wife. You know this. You’re here because you want to break off the affair.

Expect the breakup to hurt

Getting over an affair with a married man won’t happen overnight. You’ll grieve the breakup, and you may even regret letting him go. You’ll wish you were back together, and you’ll cry yourself to sleep at night. But, you WILL heal and move on! You will be proud of yourself that you had the courage and dignity to stop dating a married man, and you will start readying yourself for a healthy new relationship. You will stand tall and proud, and you will be happy again.

Breaking up will hurt, but you will find true freedom and authenticity – and you will create a better life for yourself! You’ve been hurt and used. You thought your affair with this man wouldn’t turn out this way. Your heart has been bruised, broken, and maybe even stomped on. It may get worse before it gets better…but it WILL get better.

It takes strength and courage to let go – but you can learn how to get over a married man! You are resilient and strong, full of faith and courage.

Cut off all contact with him, for he is another woman’s husband

Don’t accept this married man’s phone calls, text messages, Facebook popups, emails, Facetime prompts, Tweets, blog comments, or notes at work. You’re just setting yourself up to fall back into the affair. Don’t let him lie and cheat his way back into your life. You can’t be friends with him. If you work with him, you need to get another job. This is one of the best tips on how to break up with a married man: cut off all contact and leave him alone.

Rebuild your life. Focus on healing your spirit, for it has taken a beating. Give your bruised, battered heart to Jesus; He knows what to do. He knows how to heal you, help you, and make you whole again. Accept His love and grace, His forgiveness and freedom. 

Remember that letting go of an affair with another woman’s husband is painful, but you can put it behind you. You can and will move past this if you accept the grace, love, and forgiveness that only God can offer. After you start to come through the grief, you will be grateful to no longer be trapped in the hell of searching for articles on how to break up with a married man. You will be free to grow stronger and healthier, spiritually and emotionally.

Stay true to yourself, even when he keeps contacting you

You want to end this affair because you know it’s wrong to cheat with another woman’s husband. You know this affair isn’t going anywhere.

break up with married men

how to break up with a married man

You aren’t proud of dating a married man, and you know it’s destroying your spirit and soul. At some level, you even know how much you’re contributing to the pain he’s causing his wife and family.

Put yourself in your wife’s shoes; how would you feel if your husband was cheating on you? This may not be the most effective tip on how to stop dating a married man, but it may help you find compassion for his wife and strength to leave him.

If you want to be a truly joyful and peaceful, you must choose a life of integrity and respect. You must choose relationships that build you – and others – up. Choose life, light, goodness, and truth.

Remember that you’re not in love with the real man

Are you still struggling to break up with your married man? Remember that you’re not in love with the real him. You think you’re in love, but all you see are the bits and pieces he shows you. His wife knows a million times more about him than you do – no matter what he tells you about his marriage.

He’s married, which might add chemistry and excitement to your affair. But he’s not available and he doesn’t really love you. He’s a facade: you know enough about him to give you some insight into his personality and life, but you’re not involved with the real man.

You’re not picking up his dirty clothes, putting down the toilet seat, listening to him snore all night long, wondering where he goes at night and on weekends, or fighting about the credit card charges and mortgage payments. Remember that when you’re dating a married man, you see the ideal and perfect guy. You don’t see who he really is.

Start searching for what your life is missing – and it’s not a married man

Why are you involved with him?

Don’t tell me it’s because there are no good guys out there, or you’ve dated everyone in your city. Don’t tell me there is nobody else, because I know it’s not true!

You’re dating a married man because of something that’s missing and broken inside of you. You feel empty, and you think it’s because you love him…but really it’s because you’re empty without God’s love, compassion, grace, and peace in your spirit.

What is it in you that refuses to let him go, to accept that he’s not free? If you can learn what you’re looking for, you’re one step closer to knowing how to break up with a married man.

If you don’t feel spiritually or emotionally healthy, this is the perfect time to start looking at your own personal growth. You are deeply and unconditionally loved by God, and you were created for a purpose. Your life can be so much more fulfilling and interesting! You can be truly and deeply happy, and you will find a healthy relationship when you learn how to take care of your emotional and spiritual health.

Decide that you deserve better than an affair with a married man

God created you to be a partner for a man who wants to spend his life with you, and who treats you with love and respect.

break up with married manDo you believe you’re worthwhile, valuable, and lovable? Do you love yourself? Sometimes learning how to break up with a married man involves a decision. You need to decide that you deserve more out of a relationship, and that a better man is waiting for you.

No matter what he says about his marriage, his wife, and his kids – remember that you’re only getting his perspective. He is telling you whatever he wants to tell you; he wants to make it easy for the affair to continue. He wants you to keep dating him even though he’s married and even though he won’t leave his wife. He’s lying to you.

Breaking up with him will hurt. Learn how to overcome depressed feelings after a breakup.

Read the comments below about breaking up with a married man

Below you’ll find several readers who are honest and strong enough to share what it’s like to date and break up with a man who is married. They are supporting and helping each other through their affairs.

I encourage you to read through their comments. See the pain that loving another woman’s husband causes. See the destruction that having an affair causes. Learn how deep the roots of heartache and betrayal go.

Use the insights and experience of these readers to fuel your decision to move on in your own life. Be prepared to face the reality that breaking up with a married man is difficult and painful – but the best thing you could do for yourself. Take a deep breath, and open your heart to God’s healing love, power, and strength.

I welcome your thoughts on how to break up with a married man. I don’t judge and I don’t give advice, but you may find support from other readers.

May the peace that surpasses all understanding fill your mind and soul. May you find your identity in Jesus, remember who God created you to be! May you accept the sacrifice of His love, and may you let go of the entanglements that hold you back from being fully alive and free.


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1,166 thoughts on “How to Break Up With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart

  • Pat

    Hey ladies, i have a few questions…How many of you really want to be exclusive with your married man? If he actually left, and said to you he wants to be with you do you think you could have a successful relationship with him ? Do you think you would trust him ? How do you know if he really like you or if it is purely about sex for him ? Do you establish and understanding of what your expectations are and what his are etc. I am just curious and want to understand the impossible!

    I am pretty sure I dont want my married man to leave his family for me. I have been dealing with him for @6 months and sex is not a consitent factor for us but comminication is. I like him a lot, we have never said we love each other however, we seem to be friends and that confuses things for me because when i think about breaking things off. I think about losing a buddy! I want to break it off because it seems like when you go a year+ with these men your feelings increase and you begin wanting more. The first month of chatting with my married man i didnt know he was married but on our first date, i asked and he answered honestly. I stupidly thought ok well we will never be together but hes a cool guy to chat with and thats it well 3 months after that the chatting turned into amazing sex and now @6 months down the line, im trying to figure out how to let him go.

  • Lara

    Update
    I am moving slowly into my brand new life without my married man of 20 years (on and off). I know it is over. I am listening to Hindu chants to soothe myself, something I found by complete accident.
    These plus therapy keep me calm(er) and helps me process my pain, which is considerable at times. I now realize both my mother and my married man are narcissists and I was trying in complete vain to have them both “see me” and to “understand” me and to “love” me. Impossible for them. This is a lot to process so I am going s l o w l y. I have also turned for help to the narcsite.com and asked the blog author some questions. (He is a narc who write about what it is like to be one and how narcs behave with others and what to expect.) I am not going to lie. This is devastating stuff and it takes real work and patience and time to heal. But you know what? Each day I surprise myself in little ways. And each day I can still smile at the smaller joys in life! The littlest things make me know I am strong and I CAN live with the previous relationships I had with both of these central people in my life. I am not cutting off my mother, who is now in her eighties. My married man works next door to my house one and a half days per week and passes by my house all the time. (I bumped into him holding hands aa few weeks ago with his wife aarghhh it was AWFUL.) But you know what? That image was maybe good for me in fact. I needed a BIG shock in my face, something really strong to help me accept how much he can not ever love me like I needed him to do. He is totally incapable. Do I still love him? Well I am far from hating him. Same with my mother. I am a total empath and I have some real problems with co-dependency. So I see them and I feel for them. But, my same characteristics have led me to not take care of myself but rather dive into taking care of them as an escape from my own anxieties about life. There is hope in knowing I am not a bad person even if I stop taking care of them. My blatant lack of self care had to STOP. I implemented “no contact” with my ex married man on Palm Sunday. I was ignoring my many needs for the married man and my mother too for years: me emotional needs, my physical needs, my health needs, psychological needs, financial needs, needs to take care of my word family. This had to change and I am changing it one day at a time. It takes work to build a whole new life and I am no “spring chicken”. I have grown children! I want everyone I love to see I can and will take care of ME too. 🙂 (No one knew about the affair but they have seen my lack of self care and resulting depression). Just know, if you are at my stage it CAN BE DONE!
    Just reach out and get some help! We are worth it!

  • Lisa

    I am single and have been seeing a married man for a year now! He tells me he is happily married and wants to know. How you can love two people? If you something is not missing from your marriage why would you risk stepping out and taking a chance on breaking your marriage up? He is the one that was persistent with me from the get go messaging me! I read and informed his messages early on from the get go because I thought what could he possibly want with me? It has went from messaging, texting, calling me to seeing me! I knew better and I know better! The moment i think okay I’m going to do this and end it he keeps feeding me just that much more. He says he loves me and he wishes he could give me the love I deserve and be with me. Any suggestions would be so helpful!!! It’s hurts!!!

  • Cindy

    I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for 9 years. We must have tried to stop seeing each other over a hundred times. I know he loves me but he can’t leave his family. He never says his wife but its fear and guilt of disappointing his daughters. Even though now they are in their mid-twenties. He keeps the dysfunction of others as his reason to stay. He has never told me he will leave his wife, he has always said he can’t leave. I understand we both are afraid of complete intimacy. I know and he knows why we have so much trouble letting go. I don’t get jealous, I don’t play games. I’m honest with him when I feel used, taken advantage of, or just feeling neglected. I tell him this without anger. When I’m frustrated and unhappy, I’ll tell him we need to stop seeing each other. I can’t change him or the situation. I except it or don’t. I will always love this man with him, without him, or with someone else.

  • Mhbb

    Update :
    I haven’t log on to here for a week. Guess what am I doing ? NC!
    Last post I posted we back together, he came to meet me twice last Thursday. Then we had major fight again on Friday. Since then , we haven’t been contacting each other for a week. Tonight supposed to be his brothers graduation dinner from law school. He canceled it in the last min just to be an asshole.
    The first a couple of days NC r difficult for me. I cried a lot. Then with time, I felt somewhat better. I went out for a date with another guy who I know likes me. We had dinner togather, he was very nice and respectful.
    Since the MM canceled his brothers graduation dinner in the last min. I called another friend out to meet. He had dinner already . It was nice of him came out just to meet me and keep me companied for my dinner.
    Nobodies really know my married man . I am so afraid being alone since I stated NC. I tried to keep my scheduled full and myself occupied at all time. The dates I went out with other guys really just keep my mind away from my married man.
    I haven’t talked to him for 6 days. A couple group texts today. He was trying to be funny. I either ignored the texts or kept professional. Very matter of fact.
    I feel with the time going on, I am a little less attachment to him . I don’t think about him as much as I used to esp after all day work and business dinners at night. Morning is still sad . I would cry sometimes when I miss him. But less frequently as the first a couple of days.
    I hope tomorrow will be.a better day.

  • Lois

    Hello ladies. It seems like I’m back at square one with my married man. Although he has not come out said it’s over, I know the game, the silence, etc and can feel it in my heart. The sad part is that in a week or so he will stop by my office to make small talk and dummy me will fall for it. Actually, I’m hoping to beat him at his own game and desperately want to be just be done for good. I have too many other things to worry about than being intimate with married men that really could careless about me. I’m tired of the emotional drain from this relationship. It’s been right at a year of it and enough is enough! Just keep me in your prayers. We can do this ladies! ☺

  • Kevin

    I’m the married man ……..came on this website to understand how my Lover feels. My story we worked together for 4 years, we always had much respect for each other, never cross each other the wrong way. I was consider the good guy that everyone looks up to, a man of integrity and she was consider the good girl. With that being said small conversations with right motives turned into an affair. I love her, don’t see her as the other woman and I want to spend my life with her. I have been married for 20 years have 4 kids (ages 19 girl, 18 boy, 16 girl,15 girl). married young im 39 years old. My lover not my mistress is 32 and she has 2 kids (12 girl, 1 boy). Tried leaving she told me she cant live with herself knowing that she took me from my family but that is not the case. We have set dates to stop and she even tried breaking up with me………but we just end back up together. She is no longer at the job because of the affair but we still meet up and I feel confused because I want to be with her

    • Chloe

      Hi Kevin
      Thanks to your courage for writing in this column. I think we women here all have the same question for you. Why choose an innocent woman when u already have a wife, n u don’t have the intention of leaving her???!!! 🤔🤔🤔🤔

    • PAT

      I agree with Chloe, it takes courage to write in on this column. I too would like to know why you would awaken a heart knowing that you are not available to take care of that heart. I am not judging you at all. I would just like to have a better understanding of this from a mans perspective. Trust me I realize LOVE is not LOGICAL and it doesnt always make sense. However, the question still remains…why choose this person knowing you are not ready to leave your wife ?

  • Pat

    I dont think i realized how difficult this whole “breaking up with a married man” thing would be! I know I am still in the early stages of even dealing with him considering it has only been a few months. Ive been saying I am going to do it for the past week or so and I havent done it yet. We havent had sex in a month and our situation is not just sexual. It is emotional as well and i think that makes it more difficult to get out of it. I get in my moods of “if he do not contact me, i will not contact him” he told me on several occassions that it seems like im too busy for him. This is such a rollercoaster ride. One minute i like him and find a way to be ok with this and the next minute I am saying i deserves better than this…I deserve a man that is not attached to someone else, a man that is available to love me. I didnt think i was struggling with self esteem issues or anything like. I felt as if i was confident, strong young lady living life but now i am like how did i find myself caught up in this WEB! I am not sure of why I am allowing myself to be someones 2nd choice. We really deserve so much more than what we are settling for. Best wishes!

  • Shay

    Update.

    I think readers might be a bit bored by me now.

    I am still up and down and in pain and sometimes in tears.

    HOWEVER. Today is the first day that I have felt happy. It may be because I became angry and sent messages about everything I felt. It may be because he is leaving me alone and I am ready for that. It may be because summer is in the air… whatever the case I feel a genuine sense of better things to come, like coming out of the darkness into the light. Finally I am feeling things and not thinking of him. The things I am feeling are about me and my future. Unattached to him. It is liberating. I know that I will waver, he will probably contact me when he is bored and try to pull me back in. But for the first time I don’t want him to reach me. It hurts. No more. I really know how hard it is to let go ladies. We are all on here because we know what is best. I just hope that we all continue to push on and find happiness of our own. Somebody wrote something about being a third wheel to balance their husband and wife wheel. It is very true. Get the control back and take care of number one, which is you.

  • Rebecca

    Hi!
    I’ve been with my married man for a little over two years. I’ve tried so many times to break up with him but somehow we end up back together. We work together and it’s extremely difficult to not have contact with each other. I want to be done, I am emotionally drained and don’t want to feel this way anymore. We text and talk all the time. I want to stop all contact with him. My question is do I just stop all of a sudden and not tell him or do I need to sit him
    Down and tell him it’s over?

    • Leezil

      If ur like me I need closure. Yesterday I texted him and told him not to contact me unless you are going to give me what I need and want. I have a sneaky suspicion I won’t hear from you again. Unfortunately I did talk to him today I had no choice regarding work. I ain’t gonna lie that made me want to contact him. I didn’t. I’m going thru withdrawal right now. I’ve read so many different stories and everyone is right. If ur married man really luv u and wants to b with u. They will leave their wife and then contact u. They have no excuse except that they are spineless men.

  • lara

    I am feeling clearer and better. My married man and I are no contact since Palm Sunday whenever that was. I am not needing to count the days because in general, I am calmer and feeling better than I ever have been in any post breaking up period with him. And believe me there have many break up attempts in the past. It’s like this time I have gone into “neutral mode”.

    I don’t hate him; I don’t love him; I don’t hate me; I don’t hate her (his wife); I don’t hate his other women anymore. I miss him, yes, but I don’t have all the other strong emotions that bind me all the more tightly to him. These emotions are too much like staying with him in the loop of madness that was our “affair”.

    Instead, I am trying to feel as little about him as possible these days except for a welcome peace and an acceptance that I was in a very f–ed relationship for a very long time with a man who is incapable of love. He can’t love his wife; he can’t love me; he can’t love the other women he hits on. He just simply can’t. He is a classic narc and it is not in his person to know how to love. No matter how sexy and magnetic he comes off and how many women fall for him. And they do fall for him! And so did I. Big time. So now I am working on forgiving myself. And loving myself. Forgiving myself is the biggest hurdle here. This is something in my control, not his. And realizing that it is MY nature, something in ME, that attracts me to this type of guy. And this type of guy to me. This thing in me is in my control to learn about and maybe even change. The rest is OUT of my control.

    All the stuff that has to do with him is out of my control I am trying to let go (and let God). I have been listening to a lot of very empowering and free music on youtube these days and trying to just “be” with myself and “be” with my feelings for the first time in years. Example is here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ps43KwRm6pQ
    It is so powerful and healing I can not tell you. I am trying to feel some healing. He can be/do whoever he wants to be/do. I have no control over him, only ME . And in the end I have to live with me not him.

  • Trish

    So this is my story.. I met married man at work 1 year ago. It was only 1 week after we met that he made the moves on me. Kissed me out of no where when we were alone one day. I had no idea he was married. This was until one day in the break room I heard someone referring to his wife while talking to him. I was shocked. I have never been involved with something like this before. I am 26 and he is 38. I am a single mother to a 3.5 year old (his father and me co parent from separate homes wonderfully and have a great relationship for our son sake). Married man has 2 kids. One is almost 3 and the other is 8 months. When we first started having the affair she was pregnant! I am so ashamed even writing this… because it’s something I feel horrible for. Here’s the messy part. He came to Canada from Venezuela about 7 years ago. After being here for a few years he didn’t feel like he could find anyone so he decided out of loneliness to rekindle the relationship with and then marry his girlfriend from back in Venezuela. Once she arrived here they started having children right away. So when I met him last year it was the story: she sleeps in another room with the baby, we aren’t having sex barely or regularly, we bicker and argue. Etc etc. So for a while I was just enjoying the fun we had. This guy would take risks I tell you. Kiss me out in public , go dancing with me, dinners, drive and show up to work together regularly. Then I decided this wasn’t going anywhere about 4 months in so I ended it. Dated 2 other guys separately for about 2 months each. They didn’t work out. So ended those relationships too . The thing is during these relationships he was still trying to reach out to me and I rejected the advances and we remained great friends at work and what not. So a few months ago I gave in. Fell back into his arms and we started the affair again. The hard part is now there is both an emotional and sexual basis. We are connected. I am in love with him. So as most of you know I gave him the ultimatum. Tell her or im gone. So he did . And he showed me the messages. He told her everything. This whole past year… but he s still there.. and I believe it’s one of those situations where he just wanted to come clean to her but continue to have an affair. There was one single day after telling her he told me we couldn’t talk anymore and it was WW3 at home. The next day he s back. Calling me coming to see me bringing me flowers for mothers day the whole package. I feel horrible… he then spends 30 minutes on the phone with me while out getting the groceries to entertain her and their friends for a dinner party tonight. It is so wrong!!! And I am ready to let go. He can’t leave. He won’t leave. She has nobody and nothing here in this country but him and the kids. So she has no choice but to forgive him. This is not a man. I am so ashamed to be a part of this and I am happy I found a place wher3 I could sit here and write all of this down with no judgement. It is the beginning of the process I need in order to get away. I feel horrible for the wife. For the kids. I don’t even care about my feelings nearly as much as I care for those people getting hurt and lied to . Even after coming clean to her last week the lying has started again . “But you cut all communication with her now right?!” She asks. He tells her of course and everything she wants to hear. And she leaves for work and he s at My house 20 minutes later. (She works days he works evenings). This is my story. The beginning and now to be the ending. I am worth so much more and I cannot and will not be a part of this anymore. God bless all of the women here struggling to make decisions and respect to all of the women who have made the decision to leave and stay away. Strength to us all*

  • Patricia

    UPDATE:

    The married man called 1am and of course I didnt answer and he never calls me during that time. Today he called 12 noon and I let it ring until the absolute last minute because i debated about whether or not i wanted to amswer him. Well i did, we chatted for about 10mins. He asked if i had plans for mothers day and i said no not really, i just wanted to relax today. He said ok and i called last night as soon as i was done with the event and in my mind i was saying i forgot about the event so i said well I was asleep already. He said oh yea or you were tied up. That annoyed me but i didnt tell him. I was thinking like what in the hell does he mean tied up like with another man. I only deal with him and that is unfortunate for me and stupid of me. So he says well i am going to call you back, i am walking the dog and I say ok! About an hour later someone is knocking at my door and i rarely answer when my kids are not home because i know there is no one coming over to my house unexpectedly. Well they knocked really hard and when i looked out the window i saw his car and i was thinking what the hell is wrong with him and why would he come to my house without telling me. I snatched the door open and he was about to pull off so he pulled back in and got to give me a hug and to tell me happy mothers day with a card that says he admires all that i do. I felt weak right in that moment. Why did he think of me today. Why ?! I was ok with telling myself he was going to be with his wife and not communicate with me. I told myself if I didnt hear from him today i would be ok with moving forward with my life. He told me he was coming back and that right there was a lie. There is no way youre getting away from your family twice today. This is so hard but i want to tell him how i am feeling…just not sure if i should. Should i tell him and move forward or do you just move forward without having a conversation with the married man?

  • Dovhani

    Am in love with a married man right now, but your advice on how to break up gives me power and makes me strong to say it’s over now.

  • lillian

    Hi everyone dont know if there is any body here who can understand my situation. After finding out he stays with the mother of his kids I ve tried to breakup with him In vein.his totally denied. Good news is I personally can let him go I can be there and not contact him.i can be strong and leave without him because I know envetually I will heal but he cant let me heall he will blow up my phone with cals , cry plead do for me everything till I forgive. Yes ive blocked him before but he pleads and I forgive. I can go no contact for 30days but he won’t let me he will show up.we had been together for 2yrs.i envy you guys whose mm decided to end it atleast if his the one who ends it.it makes moving on easier. Your sure he doesn’t need you but if his the one begging to be in your life it is so confusing I never think it through because I can go mad. Truth I need his money too he spoils me , his young as of now we are back together but imnot the lovely woman I used to be his the one who first communicates then I reply.i want to keep it this way my be he will feel un wanted by me then he will go.i always pray to God so this man leaves whe he doesn’t contact for a day I kneel day and ask God please let him not contact me again before I know it I see his call and he explains why he dnt contact me.i was always the kind that would ask why dnt you contact, I haven’t had sex for 10days dont you think I miss it.i ve stopped all this I want to make it that im so so busy when he complains why ive stopped contacting him first I will be like sorry ive been busy like that may be he will get tired of trying to be with me and he will let go himself .what do you guys think . Because me breaking with him has totally failed its now like ajoke I think as I breakup with him when he pleads I forgive him because no man has been good to me like him.his loved my family like his it gets harder for me I don’t want to breakup with him the 6th time then after I forgive him I want to slowly pull away I want to stop caring and act so busy may be he will slowly stop caring too.As for me despite my busy schedule I will try meeting new people may be with time I will find someone great again. 

  • Bitter-in-the-end

    Ladies quit being used by your married man. He will string you along for as long as you allow him to while he enjoys his life and plan for the future with his family .No matter how sweet and caring you are and how miserable he tells you his wife is and how unhappy his life is, don’t believe him . It is his wife that he wants to be with if life really was miserable he would have been gone ages ago and if he loves, respect and wants to be with you he would have found His way to you. But wait, he loves you with all his heart and can’t live without you but he just dont know the way and he is too entangled and would not leave his home because of his children. Yes this is his choice to be a family. He deserves to be happy. Why would you want to be responsible for being in the middle and causing his family misery? Just like him you and i deserve to be happy, to be loved and to be desired. So let him go, please let him go.
    We would never have our inner respect, sanity or values ever again but we have the strength to let go and wish him well.
    After being with my martied man for many years and being head over heals in love with him, i can tell you now that I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM and not because we are not together as i never expect us to be but for his constant lies, deception and consciously playing with my emotions. He knew what he meant to me and that he was the first and only person that i ever opened up to and got close to but he is used to having multiple women in his life at the same time. I questioned this many times as i never saw the love in his eyes or felt his love and affection for me. His concerned was centered around his wife and family only, although they would have verbal disagreements and be apart for weeks at a time.He honors her everytime and do whatever she expects from him to get closer to her but it never lasted long and the cycle continues. He assured me that i was the only one in his life and he loved me from the bottom of his heart. But now i know i was just one of the few and for this i hate him. When love turned to hatred it really is and there is no turning back.
    If he is reading this i want him to know that i am better off without him and never want him to contact me again. Not about Love. It never existed and never can survive one way only.

    • Angie

      Bitter in the end,

      Ur story sounds just like mine! This thing abt “i only love u, i cant live without u, but i respect & hav responsibilities towards my wife” sounds like a cheap pickup line from the diary of all MM. they hav to say all that to convince us. This thing abt playing with emotions, deception & constant lies means nothing to them.. i got so attached to mine that I practically was living for him. Everything in my life started revolving arnd him. Am married myself but never did things for my husband that i did for him. I almost kissed the ground he walked on.. only for him to go back in the arms of his family one day. To top it up, that heartless & thankless man never expressed any gratitude towards all that i did for him.. i never wanted to leave my husband to marry him, but as he used to say, we have our own life together where its just US. The US never existed coz he does everything thats in his interest & his family’s. He kept me on his terms & i didn’t realise wen I turned into his pet! I hav been thru hell myself wen he turned his back towards me. I craved for him , just like a drug addict.. went deeper n deeper into depression. I hav lost 6-7 kgs since april coz of stress, coz thats the time he left my city to go back to his hometown & started showin his true colors. He promised that he wil travel every month to see me, but now he gives me all reasons y he cant come. I too hate him, never wish good for him. Wenever anythn good happns to him, i burn in jealousy n anger! I hav tried breaking up with him almost 1000 times in 6 months. But m not ready for it yet.. i go breathless everytime n go thru immense stress. I dnt hav the strength to handle this pain right now, hence I will do it slowly.. one day at a time. Every day i wil detach more than the previous. Show him even i dnt giv a fuk to him. Though we r still together, i dnt feel the same for him coz of his cruelties towards me. I cried, begged, craved, pleaded, dis everything only for his time. Thank god i came across this forum. I started writing here, reading stories of other women & how they r dealing with it. I have been getting motivated. I made sum good friends on this forum who write to me everyday n we tel each other how we feel. They hav been so kind n helpful to pull me out of it. M slowly getting detached from him. I have a long way to go though. M not the clingy needy psycho anymore tracking his status all the time n waiting for his msgs.. u too wil heal & recover soon.. write hear, read stories of other women, share ur pain n theirs as well.. write to me : [email protected]

  • LucyS

    I was working abroad for 6 months.

    Early on married man popped up on my radar as a delicious specimen of a man, discovered he was married so put him out of my mind (in that way) and enjoyed the happy and innocent friendships I was making with him and his colleagues. Married man is also working abroad so his wife isn’t a physical presence so to speak.

    About 3 months in I was aware of flirty advances and one evening a few of us ended up back at his, we stayed up all night talking and I had to keep his hands from wandering.

    The guilt from that alone had me in a tizzy. Yet we started speaking daily, all-day-ly and I would have to hide my grin when his name flashed up on my phone.

    Inevitably it became intimate. And I couldn’t stop myself going back for more despite the logistical chaos and my morals screaming at me. Our friends were and are none the wiser.

    I was moving back and we ended things amicably… or so I thought. Instead we spoke as regularly – if not more – and the messages were far more charged than they had been due to the distance.

    This weekend we were both in the same part of the country and knowingly planned a night in a hotel. It was strangely cathartic as we were able to openly discuss our fears of the emotional attachment and agreed that if left unchecked we may ‘fall’ too far to recover from. So after 5 months we’ve called time. For good I think and hope.

    I’m having to go back out with work a few times this summer and will be seeing our friends so almost certainly married man too. I’m hoping that by holding back from contact now, by the time I visit we’ll be able to be friendly with perhaps a wistful glance.

    I know I’ll miss him as he became the person I spoke to first thing in the morning and last thing at night. But e both know that I deserve someone who can make me happy and most importantly is FREE to do so.

    Thanks for sharing your stories and struggles. Hopefully there’ll be nothing to update and I can start my healing journey with my head held high.

  • Patricia

    I have been seeing my married man for about 5 months, have been sleeping with him for 2 months and we have been intimate about 5 times. We never argue but i noticed the last couple of weeks have been different. He called me everyday this week except Friday and today. I knew i wasnt going to initiate contact with him because I am not as interested anymore. I must admit I thought it would be different. I cant believe I messed around with a mm. I think im done! I guess he does this all the time and gets what he wants for a few months and move on to the next victim. No one officially ended it and i am sure i havent heard from him because it is Mothers day weekend and he is with his family rightfully so. He will contact me at some point next week. I have been wanting to break things off since last week and really didnt want to do it over the phone but more of a face to face. I know i dont owe him a thing but i prefer to talk in person instead of messages or over the phone. I will let you know how it goes when i talk to him to break things off.
    Happy Mother’s Day Ladies!

  • Anne

    Hi Ladies, it has now been 34 days no contact and he has left text messages for me about 10 times or more and on two different evenings this week! but they confuse me as in most he is saying the likes of hi gorgeous please stay in touch I miss you and then he says sorry for contacting you I was out of order, then two days later tells me that he was prepared to leave everything behind for me and sorry??? does he really see me as a fool? I don’t care anymore literally.. have gotten on with my life but it still niggles away at me nevertheless.. what I want to know is what is it with these men? and why do they feel the need to maintain any type of contact at all? I am in my late forties and he in his early forties and his wife very young in her thirties they’ve a small child too.. any advice is always welcome to me, I’m just glad I can keep to this no contact, otherwise would be very disappointed in myself again..

  • Shay

    I would just like to say that I think this forum has been positive, as we have all been reaching out for support and everyone had a different story but we are all in the same vein.
    The last time I was posting on here I was intending to cut my guy off. He currently isn’t blocked and I let him call me. I consider myself lucky that he was always going to be moving overseas for a great job even before he met me. He turned against me, was manipulated by the wife he claims, moved out from our place and says he has been miserable and has regretted it since.
    Even though we don’t see each other, his words are so powerful and as is our connection at times , so much so that I still feel unable to move on, bound and emotional, also very up and down. He tells me that he is planning to make enough money to support them and his plan is then to be with me. I disregard this and tell him that, however because I love him it has a massive impact on my heart and makes me feel stuck.
    He called the other night and I warned him I was feeling too tired and emotional. I don’t have he distraction of kids or a partner. He mostly talked to he kid while on the phone to me, they were laughing and then sighed in unison. It was so beautiful, yet I had previously bonded with this child and I found it absolutely heart wrenching. Not just because the 3 year old barely remembered me and didn’t want to talk on the phone, but something much deeper that I cannot explain well. We always talked about having kids when we lived together for a year. He still says he wants kids with me and wishes he met me 5 years ago. He wanted me to bond with the child when I lived with him. Now I get the occasional phone call from work, if he is alone with the kids he calls but spends alnost the whole time sharing laughter and games with them. The second one came when we were together, and it is since that one that he realised his error and went back, although he claims it was all her manipulation by threatening to harm them, etc. I felt so emotional by being ignored and hearing him and the kids on the phone in another country that I showed my weakness, went silent and couldn’t speak because I was crying. He went soft and apologised but sometimes I consider that he is doing it on purpose. Either that or just really insightful about how much this situation has burnt me, hurt me in a way that the gaping wound is still open and it doesn’t take much to feel pain as it hasn’t healed several months later. Has anyone any feelings on this, I can barely understand why I find seeing his kids in his photos or hearing them interact so unbearable. He claims he thinks about me every second. That I am his life line. And a very surprising one yesterday… that he is dependent on me.
    I know anyone’s advice would be cut him off and I have tried. I want to be liberated. I have not felt happy or carefree for a long time. I long to open that door to other chances. I just can’t let go of him.

  • Lois

    Well ladies, I just don’t know where things stand since we had our moment of weakness on monday. Him and I have spoken briefly just casual conversation. Sadly, i am hesitant to even bring up the conversation because im don’t want to have that gut wrenching feeling again. Yet, i have this overwhelming uncertainty feeling that weighs on me. I know its mother’s day weekend and he will rightfully be with his family. I don’t expect him to not be with his family. I just would like to know where we stand. I started an email but didn’t send it. I sent it to my work email and will review tomorrow…most likely won’t even send it. I know he struggles on the weekends when he us around his kids. He apparently had a dr appointment today and asked how it went…he said fine. He still hasn’t mentioned his new position or moving offices. I’m I that pathetic to want to be with this guy. He hasn’t said much to me since we got together on Monday except casual good morning, etc. Once I again, I gave had to initiate the conversation…guess he regrets his moment of weakness. I have no clue. What should I do : have no contact with him all weekend and avoid going to work retirement function tomorrow, have no contact and avoid him at retirement function and or ask him where we stand. See what I mean about why we do this to ourselves…do you think he’s worried like I am…no clue because he won’t tell me his feelings. Ugh.😕

  • lara

    I am still no contact with my married man. we were off and on for 20 years. yes gulp 2o years. he has worked next door to my house all that time 2 days per week too. i have broken up with so many times and in so many ways i have lost count! in fact out of 20 years we have been “together” I have left him and gone no contact (!) for at least 9 of them i would say. Complete no contact. and each time MY decision 🙂 at one time i built a giant fence between our properties at the urging of my friends who could never for the love of them understand what in the hell I saw in HIM? I was single i could have single men “what the hell was i doing with him?” they would ask? “what do you see in him that we can not see” they would ask. Hell if I know! I LOVED him. That is it. That is my complete reason. Love. i have had other relationships with other men since knowing the MM and have gone to graduate schools twice! my kids have grown up; his kids have grown up; and the small tress that once were between our properties are now BIG ones. the day i decided to take down the fence (i thought i was strong enough to resist him) he was there in his chair outdoors, sitting, waiting, always so confident like he knew i was dumb enough to go back to him. and i always did! go figure. I always felt until very recently that he was my one true love, my soul mate! LOVE . LOVE. LOVE.

    anyhow we are no contact again and i do not even go outside when he is around. i have put up curtains gotten sun glasses park far away from “his corner” and blocked his telephone and text and email and facebook and everything else i can think of. and i, too, am trying NOT to indulge in thinking about him too much. I think I gave this man ENOUGH! already! I think I thought about him and his problems and his needs and his marriage ENOUGH! already. Now it is time for me to take care or ME. In fact I told him something like that when I left: I said I am leaving to take care of MY family MY life MY house etc. Because in all the years I had with my MM there was never ever a true “US”. It was all about HIM. ugh just call me stupid. But i think from reading the comments on this blog from about a year ago (i have been scrolling waaay back) that I am finally beginning to understand this inexplicable and crazy attraction i have had to my MM….I think perhaps I have been dealing with a classic “narc” for a very long time and never even knew it! and that would make me a classic empath and a co-dependent as well. (which fits pretty well)

    So you ladies going no contact PLEASE scroll back in all these comments and read read read and see if you too perhaps can find a pattern which fits your situation? and maybe just understanding this pattern will finally give each of us the key to breaking FREE AT LAST????? sending hugs, Lara

  • Mhbb

    Update :
    Today he apologized to me again saying he was so worried about me yesterday , almost drove down to me to give me a hug and apology. He said he should never have spoken to me like that and the feeling kills him. Then he sent me a puppy picture told me he would be lucky if I adopt him as my puppy . I can scratch his neck and he can poop all over my kitchen . I can’t get mad of him anymore. I said I forgive him. We r trying to keep the peace until our first anniversary which is next month. Late night he sent me a song ” now or never ” I listened to it said I guess it’s now. Keep u around forever. He replied” forever !!! ”

    I feel two of us like psychopath. Fight like a cat and dog one day, I made big decision back to nc . Less than 24 hours. Stuck back toather again
    PoPo I 100% agree I act like a retard back and forth . Everyone has brain would think I am super stupid. Being manipulated by this MM all over the place. Guess what, I am still in denial. I am so afraid of the pain and loneliness of breaking up. I never fell in love so deep with a man like this before. He throw me a crumb . I happily took it and waiting another one.
    Popo u were saying if he loves me enough , he should leave his wife. But I don’t want to break up his family being the another woman. His wife married him since she was 18 years old. 3 kids. Never worked a day in her life. I know she loves him a lot. She is very traditional Italian lady. She would be devastated if he left her. He asked me a few times if I am gonna divorce. I will be so scared to change. I so get used to my family structure. I don’t want to change….. I don’t have any expectations of result in our relationship. I want to have fun. I am still looking for someway to breakup without going through the agony…..

  • Angel

    This story goes back to 14 years ago. To when I first met him. We met at a club, we were 23 and I didn’t know at the time he had a girlfriend (now wife), the mother of his two children. We dated off and on for 4yrs. 3yrs after we met he married his girlfriend in an impromptu vegas ceremony. We would write letters to each other and during one letter I asked him if he was married? All the signs were there. He admitted it and I broke it off with him, never looked back. Well one whole year goes by no contact almost forgot about him. I meet someone else and though not in love get engaged to this man. Shortly after getting engaged I received a letter from the married man. Which I decided not to read. I married my finance. Well. Since I married him for all the wrong reasons, it’s safe to say we started having problems in our marriage. It was 6yrs after I received and didn’t read the letter from my ex lover, My then husband cheated and we separated. I was vulnerable and my ex-lover contacted me on social media around the same time. We met for coffee, during that time I found out he was still married and what that letter all those years before said. The letter said he took that year of no contact and thought about everything and decided at that time he wanted to be with me. But that now he was working on his marriage with his wife. It had been 13yrs since we first met each other. But he would flirt with me and eventually we started “dating”. During this time he tells me he’s torn between me and his family. We actually both go back and forth about wanting to be together, we were not having sex at this time. For 9months we talk, message each other daily. We have lunch and coffee together frequently. I’m constantly torn and go hot and cold. This January he went on a family vacation, during this time he messaged me he missed me, I was getting tired of everything, so I sent a snark remark back. He didn’t contact me for 2weeks. Then he used fb messenger to tell me he couldn’t continue our “relationship”, he owed to his wife and family to try to work it out, I responded with a simple ‘k’. Hours later he messaged me again saying he wanted me, a week later we had sex. Then he went cold. And stopped calling and messaging me for 2 weeks. Then came a lame apology. Then everything just changed after that and two weeks later I harshly broke it off again. There was no contact for 4wks and for months very brief messages here and there. This has been the hardest thing to do let someone go I love who clearly doesn’t really love me. But it’s just all too exhausting and I’m tired and I deserve more. At times I feel like telling his wife but I know that wouldn’t help it hurt any less. I’m trying to let go completely but I constantly think about him. Clearly he is doing just fine without me n his life. He didn’t love me and your married man doesn’t love you!

  • Needurprayer

    Like every girl here, im in a relationship with a married man for about 6mos. I am single…it’s hard for me to let him go….He is my childhood friend and best friend…he was married for 22yrs….but 6mos.ago he told me that since our childhood he loved me but he was so ashamed with me and had no courage to court me when we were grown up because of their life status..we separate lives after HS and had communication here in social media…i loved him as my bestfriend and i admired him for protecting me when we where in HS…we had a chance to see each other 6yrs.ago but as friends…last year we had a chance to talk to each other again here in social media and the friendship turned into a relationship….i dont know why i allowed myself in this kind of relationship because i have God in my heart…all my beliefs were twisted because of what i am feeling for him right now….i want to let him go for i know this is the right thing to do but when he calls me i cant resist and avoid his call….i want to go back to GOD…pls. Pray for me…

  • Mhbb

    Update :
    The friendship transition really didn’t work for even one day. Yesterday a small business related text very soon escalated to a full blown drama. Initially I questioned his company staff slow responses , don’t mix with personal with business. He was very upset calling me ” insecure, fucking annoying, Low blow to his integrity , if I say that one more time. He won’t work with me anymore…ect ” then he hang up. I was shocked and left speechless. Right away, he texted my office manager to calm me down and text me again Saying he will never stop working with me, I need to balance myself. Ect. I was so devastated and didn’t reply. Later, he texted my manager again to check on me and told her he can’t show his emotions otherwise I get crazy again. Then he texted me said I am an angel deserved to have peace and happiness. He honestly don’t know how to step away in a healthy way and He is so sorry. I was left so heartbroken. I didn’t reply. My office manager told me just keep distance for now. It’s too heated. Not healthy.
    Here I am, in the middle of night crying , sleepless and still in shock. I guess it’s impossible to transition from lovers to friendship. I am living in a lala land. There is no painless break ups. Pain is inevitable….. I think I am going to restart nc again. I am in agony…..

    • Rhea

      Mhbb,

      There is a reason why experts say that you can’t be friends with an ex – not when you have deep deep feelings for them. It’s torture. It’s like picking at an open wound over and over again.
      There is no way out except to feel the pain. I have not in touch for over 2 months and its quite painful. I miss him tremendously. There are times when I want to hear his voice. But my ego stops me in my tracks. Thank God for egos. This is one time that it serves a purpose. It keeps you from being a doormat. I think that no matter how much he is making this appear like it does not affect him, it must. And if I am in my office and my mind is wandering, then at some point, he must hurt for me too. And if I reach out, I feed him – give him a little relief. I won’t do that. I want him to punish.
      It gets better, I promise. It is not like this every moment of the day.

  • Patricia

    Hi Ladies, I am having so many mixed feelings right now. This Saturday will be week 3 of no intimacy with my married man. He tried to get with me but I have my own life and I’ve been busy. One day last week I talked to him and he said he was off early, I asked if he was going to his game, he replied yes. We ended up getting off The phone because I met up with my girlfriends to have a drink. However, the minute I was done I went straight to his game, I was the only woman out, actually I was the only person out there watching them get their butts kicked. I stayed for a while but it was a little cold so I left. I had called him prior to me going to the game and he didn’t answer so I was sure once he was done he would contact me. Well, he didn’t! That annoyed the he’ll out of me. I felt like, he should’ve shown his appreciation for me making time to watch him play (I probably sound ridiculous but oh well) his wife never comes to a game NEVER! That’s what he told me and he has played for a few years. I didn’t hear from him that day but he called first thing the next morning asking me almost immediately why I didn’t stay. I said, I had to leave he said why I said because I had to go he said pick up your child and I said yes but that’s not why I left. I left because I wanted to. He said well I left my phone in the house so I couldn’t call you to tell you to wait for me. I said OH! He called me later that day I didn’t answer (I was busy) he called and hour after that I didn’t answer (I was still busy) I returned his call about an hour or so later so of course he didn’t answer. I went out to a friends house and he called when I was about to leave and I ended up talking to him. We didn’t talk long. The next day he called around 9pm and I had not called him at all that day. He asked me what did I do and I gave him a run down of my day. He said he took care of the business he told me he had to take care of and was at home all day. He doesn’t know but that annoyed me. He waited until 9 to call me and talked to me for about 5mins and he couldn’t find time in his day to reach out to me when he was able to give me more than 5 minutes. Sunday he didn’t call and I sent him a message about 9pm saying he was on my mind ALL day. No reply from him but of course Monday morning he called, I ignored and didn’t bother to call back. Tuesday he called I ignored it and he called back 30 mins later. I waited about an hour and called back. He said, well what’s going on i lied and said I was in a meeting and he said well that explains why you wasn’t picking up. He said well I am going to call you back when I’m finish with this work. He called back about 5pm I didn’t answer. He called back at 7pm. I returned the call 45 mins later for him to say he was helping his son and he would call back…well of course he hasn’t called back he won’t. I’m getting bored with him. I guess because we haven’t been out in a few weeks and I haven’t had a good conversation with him and I haven’t been able to see him. I want to tell him I’m bored but don’t want to upset him or hurt his feelings. (It’s crazy). One day I want to leave him alone the next day I can’t wait to see him or hear from him. It’s so conflicting. I just wanted to VENT! Thanks for allowing me to do that here with no judging.

  • Heartbreak

    Hello everyone. I was writing in at the beginning of this year when I was just a few weeks out of a nine year relationship with a married man. I loved him like I never loved anyone on earth. He chose to break up with me because he couldn’t give me what I wanted. His reason, not mine. I was in agony like all the other women who are posting here. It was hard for me to go minutes without my mm, forget about days and weeks and months. But I did it. I got out of it. It’s been six months now. Six months that were the longest months I have ever spent in my life. In these six months I have lived and died a thousand times. But I survived. And I am here to tell you that if I can do it, so can you. All of you. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do, but you will be so proud of yourself when you are free from them. I didn’t stop loving my mm, but I don’t need him and I am happy to live my life. Each person who leaves you in despair, is there to show you a life lesson you need to learn. Try to find out what that is, and work on that. Work to create a version of you that your mm can never reach or aspire to. Do it. You can. People like me show you that you can. No one can stop you, you stop yourself. Let go of the mind fueled drama you created in your head, let go of your belief that you can’t live without him, and you will see that you can. Trust me as someone who bent but didn’t break. Love to all of you. I have an email at [email protected]. I will be happy to chat to anyone of you who need a sympathetic ear.

  • Clair

    And what is really sad and shocking is to see how many married men are unfaithful to their wives! I honestly felt Like I was the only one but obviously I’m not.

  • Clair

    Well it’s been three weeks since we have seen one another but we have talked. I have many mixed emotions. He says he still cares for me like he always has and wants to see me but doesn’t know when since he’s busy with work and all that. I told him when he gets to where he really wants to see me he’ll find a way and he doesn’t acknowledge it. I say well have a good rest of the day and week and weekend and message me if you get to missing me and just want to talk. He says I will. Thanks. I hope you do to. I mean he’s talking to me like he doesn’t know me and he just met me. Its ridiculous. I said on my geez. I’m not someone you just met so quit talking to me like you don’t know me. He said I know that. I told you I had tons to do. That’s it. I said Ok. Bye Handsome. and he just says Bye. I said You don’t have to text back but beautiful at the end of your goodbye would have been nice to hear since I said handsome which I meant unless I’m not supposed to say that and if not then sorry. I mean I do not get it!!!! He wasn’t less emotion with me and him but we have been together for almost 2 years off and on so how can you go from emotion to almost nothing?? He’s probably mad at me now but I mean really? How hard would Bye beautiful or something like that would had been? And I said I have mixed emotions because I don’t know how I need to think right now. Should I just start thinking and doing things as getting over him or really just sit and wait on him to text? I’m asking cause when I have two ways of thinking with him. When its breakup time I’m thinking one way and when it’s not breakup time I’m thinking another way if that makes sense. I know I could end it all and just not answer his text if and when he does text me but like we all know that’s hard because I know he’s a person to and has feelings and I start feeling sorry for him but that’s just the way I am. I’m driving myself crazy literally.

  • Lois

    My emotions got the best of me yesterday and caved…do I regret it…a little. I had no intention on it happening…it just did. I had to speak with him about work and his flirty smile melted my heart. I ended up sending a chat asking how he was feeling. He said physically better but was struggling with us. I expressed the same feeling. We truly do have a unique friendship and it’s hard not having contact. Of course, I have my ris colored glasses on right now because I don’t have that gut wrenching empty feeling. I know it’s only a matter of time and he will end things again. Honestly, I think a little more of me let’s go of him each time that it happens. Yes, we get back together but not all of me…if that makes any sense. I can remember how I felt the first time or two and I was emotionally distraught for a couple of days. I would email or text him trying to patch things back up because I didn’t want to lose him. Now, I find myself at first numb and then reality sets in and a have a day or two of being bummed out but not distraught. I usually start the no contact because it’s easier for me and don’t want him to know he got to me. I think part of the reason that I do handle things better is that in the back of my mind I know it’s a matter of time and we cave to the desire. For the first time yesterday, we held each other like we never have before…it reassured me that he truly does care but we our situation is complicated. I honestly don’t know what tomorrow or next week may bring, so I’m taking it one day at a time. He may already regret weakening yesterday and ready to tell me once again it’s over. Eventually, I will harden and less of me will want to be with him…who knows, I may decide enough is enough before he does. Just hang in there ladies and don’t beat yourself up because it is hard to care so deeply about someone to just walk away and turn off those emotions. We are women and feel differently than men. I will keep everyone posted. Sending my best to all of you.

    • Kelly

      Lois, what you say is so true in that every time you break up and get back together, a part of you doesn’t. I’m going through that right now. Every time things go south I wonder why I am even here in the first place. I’m one step closer to being out the door for good and onto a more healthy life. I’m happy he doesn’t live even remotely close so that when things end they will really end and I won’t have to worry about seeing him again. I feel numb right now and that’s sort of a good thing. He’s helping make the decision that needs to be made.

  • I thought I was different

    Well, I tried to implement the no contact order and didn’t make it 24 hours…. Please someone help to try and stop this vicious cycle of pain, numbness, sadness, etc.

  • Mhbb

    My day … Updated :

    Thank you Popo for the inspiration and thank u Rhea for understanding. We made mutual agreement last night that we should break up again for good. To avoid the pain, we r going to transition to be friends. We met tonight for dinner and drinks. He said time goes fast , it’s may. I told him yes, I predicted we can never pass a year. We r done before one year statue and the soul mate theory is bullshit . He looked sad. He said that I only look at short term. He looks at long run. We will be friends forever. Inseparable. I said we should see.
    I feel the one week nc I did a few weeks ago really helped me a lot as far as clingy and dependency. I really don’t feel any craving about him physically as much as used to be. I want to meet and chat to avoid severe emotional pain.
    He said its all about business. You meet me just want business. I said if I just want business, there is no reason for me to meet u every week . My time is more valuable. It’s over and I just need time to transition to friendship.
    The end of dinner we waved at each other before we went seperate way. It’s very different than we used to be. We were used to kissing or cuddling a little bit in the past. I guess friendship supposed to say bye and leave.
    I feel good tonight . I hope we can end this in a nice and peaceful way. Instead of going through agony and suffering.
    Maybe it’s not doable after a few weeks . But I am gonna try . Because we work so closely togather. It’s impossible for me to go silent or disappear forever .

    There is saying ” love can never transition to friendship. If you did , you r either never been in love or u still not getting over with each other” .

    I’ll keep updated. I’ll let u know if it’s possible.

    • Popo

      Mhbb … Forgot to also mention that my married man and I also tried friendship. That also went nowhere fast…. There is no rationality in affair thoughts. You are so drowned in pain you can’t see light from day and I have been here where you are so many times when I was with mm…

      Think about it, the only person benefiting in a ‘friendship’ arrangement is him. The truth is you do not really want friendship -you might be great friends, yes (in affair thoughts this often totally overrated), but what you really really want is to be with him. Only you and him. Not him his wife and you. You are hoping through the friendship he will realise what a great person you are and make the change. He has shown you over and over his family comes first. Offering your friendship is one sure way to cement his marriage even further for sure!. It’s called the 3rd wheel effect. Mm are happier in their marriage when you the 3rd wheel is providing the balance. Don’t be used. He had given you crumbs and you gave him cakes, cookies (your heart)… Now he is STILL giving you crumbs, you want to give bread (your friendship). Why are you giving him the best of your both worlds…. Why? Because you think it will hurt less. It won’t babe…
      Its just a matter of time before you are dissatisfied with the friendship itself. God forbids if he finds a girlfriend and starts telling you his rubbish stories. It’s gonna double hurt.

      If he was really your soul mate he would leave his wife for you. Maybe he’s your soul mate but you are not his because he hasn’t valued you enough to make the change. Do not short change yourself. He doesn’t deserve your friendship. You are too valuable. You need to first totally heal where you completely feel nothing for him to even consider friendship. Right now you will just be fooling yourself…
      Xoxo….

  • Thought I was different

    I’ve recently found this website and I have hope that there are people like me going through the same thing I am and they are still breathing. I on the other hand feel like I am completely empty. I met my married man 2 1/2 years ago at work. We had worked closely together but began to get closer when he was going through some things with his kid. One thing led to another and we began to text, followed by afternoon walks just to see one another. His wife found out about us 6 months after we started. She called to tell me good luck with him! So, for the next 2 years, we have spent a lot of time together. He stopped staying at their house 6 months ago and just goes home to shower. I do know this because I have visited in his temporary housing. I am really in love with my mm. We went on vacation together, several weekend trips, trips with both his brother and sister. I would always ask if he loved me. He responded and said more than any other woman ever before and he loves me more than his wife. His wife met with a divorce lawyer and started proceedings and their house was going to be put on the market. His belongings came to my town storage and other things to my house. However his wife never filed papers and house never went up for sale. So, because she wasn’t sad about house going up for sale, this sparked curiosity in him. I asked if he had to find dirt on her to justify what he is doing. So, needless to say about 2 months ago, he told me he agreed to 1 session of marriage counseling with her! Whoa!! This kicked me where it hurts! Why? Why live apart for 6 months and go through the motion and then agree to marriage counseling??? But yet I stayed. It’s been 3 weeks since their first session and she hasn’t made an attempt to see him. It is obvious she has gone her separate way but yet he is still trying to hang on. I really thought it was me, thought I was special. Thought I wasn’t just “the other woman”. Last night I put my goodbye note together and sent it. I can’t do this….. another session they have tomorrow but yet he still tells me he believes in us and our future!!?? My head is all sorts of messed up. Day 1 of no contact and someone please tell me I’m doing the right thing???????? We were really best friends. I know so much about him and his life. Even his wife. How much money they make, 401 info, debt, history, etc. Why? Why tell me all this if he had no intentions of being with me? Thought I was different……

    • lillian

      Hi thoughts I was different I know what you r going through. With mine his just cohabiting with her but its no different. He tells me every thing when we started dating he told me his a single dad when I found out the truth he denied ever staying with her but his never taken me to his house he tells me its me he wants to marry but his doesn’t act ive dumped him 5times im now tired he will apologise threaten to do a lot to himself I find myself forgiving him.
      Stop asking yourself questions u will nevrr get answer just do as im doing start moving on slowly keep pulling away slowly if he acts right good if he doesn’t continue pulling away by caring less making yourself busy if his yours God will make it happen but if he aint yours though you tag along for years.it won’t be easy but just try for your sake
      And pray to God he will direct you

      • I thought I was different

        I just wished I understood how married men go from one side to the other in a matter of seconds?? Session number 2 in the books and I know everything that went down. Why? They took individual surveys that said they shouldn’t be married but yet he is making excuses. Like he is obsessed with her but still expects a goodnight text from me and tells me there is still hope?? Really? Why say this? I’ve read on here (which is super helpful for me) that you come to almost hate them. I’m trying so hard to do this. But then I get the text telling me now if I’m not talking to him, he has no one. Shouldn’t that be his wife???? Should I be happy or sad that he will never be happy with her??? So am I just that stupid I even care at all? I’ve started to make some goals for me and just me….. but I still think of him. How? How do I just let go???? I want to in the worse way!!!!

  • Liz

    What a mess we weave.
    I’ve been single for 12 months. The married man I’m with is also my best friend. We have been “besties for at least 6 years”. We have worked together for 18 and driven to and from work for at least 10 years. This is why our relationship is easy to hide from others as people have seen us “together” for many years.
    I never played up on my ex husband. My MM has always had affairs. He is not happy with his life and he hasn’t for many years.
    I’ve known all of this and all of what he has done over the years … yet….. 6 months ago, he came around early hours of the morning and layed on top of my bed and said “it’s time you and I got together”. We spoke about a lot of things that night. What he needed and I brought up all the what ifs”. He had an answer for everything. And as it turns out. We are still together. He often says he wish he knew me before he met his wife. I don’t like it… I feel guilty one minute and want to end it… when he’s not here, I want him with me… I wonder about his family and what he’s doing with them.
    He has been honest from the start. He cannot leave his wife as his kids will never talk to him. He does nothing but fight with his wife and he’s not a happy man. Yet, that’s what he tells me.
    I’m to involved. Sometimes I feel like I’m married to him, yet I’m not…..
    I am open and honest about everything. Except my feelings about this situation. I know this is no life for me… I sit around waiting for him… we can’t go out together for a meal or movies… incase we get seen. He is a generous man and has always been, but he loves me… I love him… if I need anything he will always be there (if he can) And I will always be there for him.
    I need to end it. I’m worried our friendship will never be the same.
    I am at my wits end.
    I hate knowing what I am doing behind his wife’s back…as I have always told her she could trust me (as I thought she could).
    I am such a mess…. I don’t think I read anywhere…. that it was meant to be easy … there is no gain anywhere in all of this mess.
    I give him everything he has never had all through this married life. (Which is coversations – laughter – amazing sex – attention – no demands).
    How do I end a relationship with him. As not only is he my best friend – my lover – my work colleague, but also MY ROCK.
    But, the longer I leave it, the harder it will be.

  • littlewoods

    I have been dating him since September 2014. He has practically chased everyone away. I took a chill pill from him September 2016, and he made contact in December 2016. He visited my parents and said he will go the whole nine yards with me if I would be ready to take on this challenge ( December 31, 2016). He tries to spend time with me as much as possible- we live in separate towns. He lives with his wife. It is his birthday today! I can’t post a comment on his timeline. I am so conflicted, jealous, angry! This is dark ! I will take another chill pill… I am 38. I want a child- this is the reason!

  • Lois

    Hey ladies. I have been taking things day by day. I have not had any more contact with mm but I took off Friday. I have to admit that he was on my mind quite a bit especially after seeing him and his wife together. Ugh…I had a melt down and was really upset. I stopped by work and found out that he claimed new medicine made him sick so he had to leave early. This is what I am talking about…I don’t know what the truth is but he definitely wasn’t home sick. Surely he’s not making up his sickness but I do have my doubts. I hate being like that bit dang… I have to say that reading popo message was very encouraging because I’m tired of hurting and feeling like this…I couldn’t even sleep Friday night because I was so upset seeing him with his wife. I can’t wait to be free of all the heart ache and self torture. It will be 2 weeks on tuesday since he ended things. I was doing fairly well until he stopped by on Wednesday and then the feelings erupted Friday when I saw mm and his wife. Im proud to say that I have not had any contact with him but who knows what tomorrow will bring. However, I’m planning to keep my distance…Will keep you posted. Thanks for listening.

  • Mhbb

    I think I am so weak and I met him again today after he suggested he wanted a drink so bad to celebrate cinco de mayo. We sit at bar and drinking and chatting. He asked me to promise him if he divorces, I need to divorce the next day. I asked him: r u planning to divorce? He said no. Then I asked why u asked me to promise u. He said ” in case I divorce, I don’t want to alone” . He is such an asshole.
    It was a fun dinner and we went seperated way to home after cuddling a little bit. I think i am back to square one. I don’t even know I should continue writing in the comment section following this article. Maybe we r going to fight again and break up again next week. But the love is irresistible and I feel safe and strong when I am emotionally being with him. I felt so sad and lonely when I was doing NC. We r so helpless romantic being togather. The guilt and the moral standard become secondary. I think I am going to take a break from this blog until I decide to break up again with him. To be continued

    • Rhea

      Mhbb,

      I understand your feelings. The thing is that you need to come to terms with ending this on your own. It is extremely difficult to break this addiction but like with any others, it is possible. I think that the feelings that you feel – emotional security – is temporary. I feel sad all the time and I miss him so much, my chest hurts. But I feel a peace. Like an addict who is letting go of the addiction. So to sum up, I feel pain and peace. Weird, I know. But I would rather take that then being on cloud 9 for a few moments and then feel incredible uncertainty the rest of the time.

      You need to process this in your own way, on your terms, in your own time. I am confident that in the end, you will know what to do.

  • Popo

    Ladies… Here is my update; It gets harder coming here to update- A funny thing happens after you srart healing; The grieving starts diminishing and you tend to forget. I believe a lot of people from a 1000 posts down below never came back to tell us how better it really gets. It really does. I also haven’t come because I have been avoiding talking about him (mm) by focusing on other things. I vowed though that I have to come back and encourage others to seek this peace that I am just starting to experience. My life really feels like a new beginning. I always thought I had a dull life before mm. I was wrong. How I longed for that peace and joy after the pure pain and agony my relationship with mm took me through. Its true what they say… Hindsight gives you a 20/20 vision.

    Recap: Dated a married man from work for 11 months. I’m married which begs the question. Why? I often harshly judged people who had affairs. Never thought in a million years I would be one. Almost a year of my life, I was with this man. Met at work – he’s an executive, my bosses boss. I’m also an executive. Not my type at all. Needless to say I fall completely in love. Madly. Deeply. He says he has never felt that way. Ever. I saw him at least once a week for the 11 months -dinner at the most expensive restaurants, 5 star hotel excursions. Everything was PERFECT until……… Mm went into mm mode
    -silences when with wife
    -excuses and cancellations that we can’t meet
    -so jealous finding out about his parties at home and life without me
    -Exhausting schemes to keep him
    – The inexplicable Pain
    -Pure Raw Pain and raging jealousy
    -Although I saw him every week… Boy oh Boy. I had to work so hard to see him. By Sunday the panic and depression on my part and questions would start… ‘Hmmm so when I’m I seeing you’ ‘Baby should we do dinner Wednesday ”Can you do night away Thursday’ . He hated those questions. Whenever we were meeting, I would be on the edge so scared that he would cancel. If by Thursday I hadn’t seen him, I would panic ‘ohh my word only Friday left’ -What if my worst nightmare is realised and he…. Cancels….then have to wait the whole weekend….and guess what. He often cancelled!. Ladies…I worked hard!!!!! If I put half that effort in my marriage, child, job…

    After finding this forum- It became clear that this thing had to end. Was too scared. Too weak. But you ladies gave me courage. I hinted ending – he chopped my head and ended it. Got back together – tried again at something -things go back to bad. I try no contact – replase… Until finally I just had it. It ended for good! I do still think of him but I make sure not to feed the addiction. Feeding the addiction means; Talking about him. Stalking Facebook. Looking at his pictures. Looking at chats. Reminiscing every word he ever spoke. Remembering good times. When his thought comes I just focus on other things. It started with seconds not thinking of him, then minutes, now I’m just getting to hour (maybe just under an hour). Something magical happens once you are liberated from the grips of an affair. You start to see the beauty of life. People say time heals. I believe its not just time. Its what you do with the time. It heals farster if you are deliberate about getting better and desperate to end the nonsense and pain. I read somewhere that it takes you half the time you were in a relationship to get over a relationship. Meaning it should take me 5,5 months. That would just be brutal. I’m only about 3 weeks out. Its honestly proving to take shorter……. I’m in no hurry though. I’m loving this new life….

    Then again maybe because……. I’m over a week pregnant. Its my husbands baby :).

    • Mhbb

      Congratulations popo for the new baby . Thank u for coming back to share ur thought and experiences. Your posts always inspire me. After reading ur newest comment. I have 2nd thought again. I think u and me r in very similar situation. I admire me made wise decision and take charge of your own life and let this man go. You r right. Love is like addiction. It takes will and effort to let it go completely. I am in the situation keep having relaps. That’s definitely not healthy. And I know for sure we r going to fight and break up again very soon. We have been through break up and make up many times like this. I really appreciate u sharing your thoughts. I think I am going to try again to break up and leave. I hope this time I can succeed.

    • DBW

      Congrats! Im in the same situation as you were before. Im married and found myself attached with a colleague who is also married. I am looking forward to the day to be free as you

    • StrongerEveryDay

      Thank you for posting Popo. It has been difficult for me to keep up with this page at times because I’m looking for ways on how others moved on, and it seems to be mostly women like me doing the same. Therefore, I read more about the hurt and pain others go through, but very little encouragement/advice. Your update was perfect, and I completely believe you. I agree that it takes times and a PROACTIVE mindset to move on. It DOES help to think of other things when he pops in mind, but takes work to do it. Thank you so much for your story. I hope you always stay strong and congrats!!!!

    • Rhea

      Popo,

      Congratulations on the pregnancy. Is this your first baby? I’m thrilled for you.

      When you talked about exhausting schemes trying to keep this man and scheduling dates, it reminded me of myself. I agree that there is such freedom in letting go of this toxic situation. I am 2 1/2 months out. I am still in tremendous pain. Some days are better than others. I’ve noticed though that I am not behaving like an addict anymore. I don’t care about my phone. I am not waiting for anyone’s crumbs. I don’t need the stupid dates. I don’t need the hassle anymore. I am enjoying my children, my friends and trying to create peace with my husband. I can’t lie and say that i am over it but I am being patient with myself. I love and value me and I hate that like you, I gave the mm almost a year of my life. If I could, i would take back that time. But i can’t so I am committed to moving forward.
      Thanks for the update.

  • Lara

    I am not going to lie about how painful the past couple of weeks have been since I left a “last text” telling the married man who I have allowed in my life on and off and on and off for far, far too many years I needed for us to stop and that I wanted “no contact”. It has been hellish yes.
    The worst part of my experience BY FAR! was seeing him walk down my street last weekend holding hands with his wife. Holding hands! In all the time I have ever known him or have seen him with her (and there have been too many) I have NEVER seen anything like that. As far as I have always “known” they just were not that kind of touchy feelie happy couple. Were they still sleeping together? Yes of course I knew that part. But I never saw this kind of warmth/affection, especially never in public! I can pretty much say with certainty that I would NEVER have ended up in an affair with this man if I had ever witnessed such a thing years ago. Pure torture to my mind now. So I have no idea what to make of it. Honestly I do not know if he saw me (I was trying to hide behind a van until the two of them crossed the street) and he did this deliberately to hurt me (the pain was pure anguish believe me)? Or maybe he is now cozying up extra special with her because I dumped him? Or maybe now after the on and off again relationship with me he has finally found his true love with her? UGH. Or all of the above? It made me want to vomit. Spit. Curse. And shatter two thousand glasses against a wall. But I did nothing. I stayed calm. Seething but calm. He works next door to my house two days a week and he and she were leaving the store, passing by my house. HOLY HELL of PAINS. My mind started spinning so fast and my inner voices were screaming both at him, at her, at me, at the street, at the world! But on the exterior I stayed calm…said nothing…went back into my house….and then burst into tears obviously. I have been crying off and on all week but the pain is getting better actually. And I am PISSED! It is the first time I feel so pissed at him. How dare he lie like he did to me? I am finally waking up to the fact that for me having been in an affair with a married man has caused me deep emotional pain and damage/distress to my inner self and to psyche that I wonder if I will ever recover? Will I ever trust a man to enter my life again on any terms? I really wonder about this. I accept my part too: This was one dysfunctional relationship that went on far to long. The reason I gave him for finally leaving this time was that I was uncomfortable continuing the lie. When I would say he and his wife did not look uncomfortable together, he used to tell me “all that glitters is not gold!” Aaarrgghhhh. I am such a dummy! That image of the holding hands is seared into my brain for life. I guess here is a good thing: I can never EVA go back to this man now. It is OVA. I am more disgusted and destroyed on the inner than I can say in words. But as they say: This too shall pass! One day at a time….And all the rest. I am sending all you women in pain here courage to LEAVE! Before you get to this point I am at. As for me, I pray I will get stronger a little bit at a time….

  • Lara

    Lillian he might say “I love you” and beg and cry etc. but he has had no trouble lying to you repeatedly for a long time about his “other life.” This is a big red flag. It means he can “love you” but his definition does not include emotional honesty. Do you really want that man in your life? Do you really trust him? What other lies might he tell you once you are together? You have to think about this very carefully. Why not take a 30 day break from this guy completely? Tell him you need a “time out” to think things over and in the meantime taht you need for him to get his sh-t completely together. See what happens! Why not try and cut ALL CONTACT with him for 30 days minimum? See of he takes any “right” actions on his own. His life outside of you is NOT your problem; it is his problem! Let him deal with it. Let him “man up”. And remover yourself for awhile!

  • Lois

    Thanks Rhea. I agree with you that sending my email bruised his ego. When he first stopped by my office, I wasn’t 100% sure of his motive until he stopped by again. This time he asked how things were going. I replied just fine and never made eye contact. After a while it started bothering me and my curiosity and weakness got the best of me, so i sent him a chat and asked how he was doing? He said…im not too good but i am managing. I replied sorry. We chit chatted…and told him that I am weak. He said he is too. Blah blah blah blah. I did end up sending him another email expressing my feelings and the difficulty to stay away but I had promised to not bother him. I told him that I appreciated him stopping by and hoped thinges get easier. Ladies, I wanted him so badly and normally would have gone to his office and you know. However. I didbt…I went home. This morning we walked past my office and looked as he walked by with a sad puppy dog face. I weakened and replied to a chat that he had sent after I left yesterday. He apologized for bothering me. I replied no apologize needed…it was nicetalking to him. Guess what…crickets no response nothing. However. I later found out he had been a meeting with HR all morning and left for a dr appointment. So who knows what tomorrow may bring but I’m planning to take off. Hopefully, I will be strong and not contact him…I don’t plan it. I think it’s funny that he may have his ego bruised…lol! ☺ how are all of you doing?

  • lillian

    HI Rhea & every one here .
    how are you guys fairing ,okay the last time i updated you guys that after finding out my boyfriend still stays with his baby mama i dumped him & blocked him on 28.4.17.
    He wrote me so many messages that he really loves how about he formalizes our relationship .he was like is it okay he sees my parents i never replied to any.He told me not to leave him that he loves me with his all i ignored the messages.on 28.4.17 i blocked him & quit watsapp .he blew my phone with 100s of calls remember you can easily see in call logs someone you have blocked he kept trying to call.
    he sent me messages that i should give him a second chance or listen to him.All i told him was i never had a problem with him but i cant be a sidewoman.
    He told me im his number one that he has no one.I NEVER SAID ANYTHING I COMPLETELY IGNORED HIM COMPLETELY.
    so on 30.4.17 after he saw i was not picking all his calls he drove to my apartment,it was on Sunday i wanted to close my door he pleaded i should listen to him for the last.so i told him to come in.
    he knelt down and told me he loves me from the sole of his feet,he wanted to cry ,he said that i should tell him anything he will do it.He was like ca he go see my parents formally.All i said is at my age i want to settle down so i cant be aside piece he told me that im not his side piece then i asked him why then dont i know where you stay if im your only one.I further told him if his not ready to settle down now he can forget me & i move on peacefully cant waste my youth full years on un decided man he told me his decided its me he wants.
    Then he promised to take me to his house this week.He bought his own house that i know he doesnot rent.
    He left me with his ATM cards and his Pin numbers ,he said he can never let me go ,he further said among the things he can let go im not one of them.
    I gave him his belongs at my place he nevr took any he said its me he wants and he is going to prove me wrong that not all men are the same
    please advise me what can i do.
    what can i tell him
    Thats how far please advise me what can i do now

  • Mhbb

    3rd day into NC . This is not really nc. He always tries to find different reasons to text me or group texting asking business related questions. I haven’t talked to him in person or met him. But I know he is not far around. My days went ok. Feeling kind of empty without him present . I got used to meeting or hearing from him all the time . Feel kind of lonely. his on and off texting made me feel somehow not too painful . Tolerable. I really hope I can persist and being strong and keep NC going.
    I somehow agreed to have dinner with my ex tonight. I haven’t met my ex for almost one and half year. He tried to talk me into relationship again. He kept reminding me some past experiences we togather and I don’t even recall. I told him I came today really just for business. Whatever was the history just remains in history. My heart still belong to my mm who made me cry and suffering . I can tell ex still really into me. I don’t understand I dated him for less than one year and broke up for two years. Why he still wants to back with me. He is single and available. But my head was filled up the memories with current mm who is not available. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Of course I am not really available neither because of family issues. Maybe I am too messed up in the head. One day in a time….

  • Clair

    So….weekend came and went and long story short he basically told me today he didn’t want me calling him baby but babe was fine! I said are you smoking crack? After 2 years together and you calling me that from day one, now you don’t think we should? I lost it! We both said things we probably should not have said but we did and of course I did apologize because I did say some bad things. One thing he got mad about was me saying he uses me for sex cause he acts like he could care less about anything else about me but the hit dog hollers and I honestly think he doesn’t think he is using me but he really is. He got so mad about that but it’s the truth. We said our goodbyes and I’ve blocked him from everything. My feelings are still there for him and just the way I am I do feel bad for him. I can’t explain it. It’s time for me to let him go and even though he says I’m always the one wanting him to come back it takes two. Yes I have begged him back before but the last few times we went days without talking its been him. Who knows but I don’t want anything to do with himX I’m over the worrying and all that. I’m ready to move in.

  • Lois

    0kay ladies. I didnt hear anything from married man until today and stopped by to thank me for the email. Honestly, it kind of made me mad because I told him yesterday that it was best we keep our distance. So. Why stop by my office? I felt like it was to feel me out to see if I had changed my mind or if I was weak today. Normally. I would have chit chatted with him but only commented okay and walked away. I don’t know why he felt he needed to say anything…just want the hurting to stop so just leave me alone and let me heal! What do you think? do you think I was reading more into it? He could have replied he understood and thanks to my email…why stop by?

    • Rhea

      Lois,

      Because his ego is bruised. You are mow making it sound like you’re breaking up with him and he wanted the power. He wanted you to cry and beg him to leave his wife. He wants to see that you’re devastated. By sending that email, you took back some power from him. Great job on telling him you don’t want to interfere in his family. Stay away from him!

      • Lois

        Hey rhea. I couldn’t believe made a 2nd attempt. I did weaken and asked how he was doing. Of course, he was struggling too. Blah blah blah blah. I honestly think he likes me to initiate everything so he can justify his actions based on me being the temptress. I have to admit it was really nice chatting with him and I do miss him. I just know that if I give in its only a matter of time and it will be the same crap. The guilt, his health, etc some reason to end things. I feel like I’ve made progress and not sure I want to go back. Although there is a sexual temptation…Ugh.😕 I’m taking off tomorrow so it will give more time to pull myself back together and hopefully remain strong. Thanks for the kind words! It’s freaking hard.

    • Lara

      Hi Lois, if the married guy in your life is anything like the one in mine, he is checking in on you in person very deliberately in order to see whether he might still have what it takes to “stoke the coals” in your situation. It’s an ego trip on his part!…whether you look sad or whether you look like you still long for him, he will still know he has some power left as long as he can see emotion of most any kind. The best thing is to be completely neutral and blow him off entirely. This is harder said than done however and he is probably by now an EXPERT in reading your body language, tone of voice, etc. The MM in my life would rather believe I am miserable rather to believe I simply “just don’t care” anymore. Or even worse, that I might be totally bored with the whole thing! By reading so many of these posts here from other women here I do believe the MM in my life is a garden variety narcissist.

  • Rose

    Hello everyone
    I’m here again to write another story. At first I want to say I wish I had a chance to finish my relationship with my married man like you girls but it was him to dumped me for no reason and if you read my story you knew how much I loved him and tried to understand what’s in his mind but i can’t find out. Almost two months with no contact and I just try to make myself busy. But for some reason he start to contact me again but not every day and talk to me like a stranger. He needs some help and I tried to do my best, he showed his appreciation and invited me for lunch but he also said if he’s free , another excuse!!!!
    But I didn’t get any news or anything from him, even he didn’t say he can’t or he’s busy !!!!!
    I’m so confused and upset because I was nice with him even after he dumped me and I didn’t ask why ???
    So I need your advice girls, please help me
    I didn’t deserve that.

  • Lois

    Hello everyone. As you know my weekend was tough but got through it…yeah! HD wasn’t in the office yesterday but couldn’t get him off my mind. I couldn’t sleep last night…thinking about the times we shared and just got that awful feeling in my stomach. I’m telling it’s like a drug addiction…the craving for excitement and pleasure. Ugh.😕 anyway. I stayed my distance today and wouldn’t even make eye contact. I wasn’t rude and would include him on group conversation but nothing personal. At the end of the day, I sent him an email that was composed over the weekend expressing my feelings but each day have tweaked it a little more. I basically told him that I knew he didn’t want to be me but I cant turn off my emotions that easy. I suggested that it be best that we keep our distance until I can heal and get over theselfish emotions. I wished him luck and hoped he and his wife could find happiness. I further explained that this decision was because I know my weakness and don’t want to cause him to be tempted from doing what’s right for him and his family. I have to say…feel much better and sort of relieved. Of course as usual no response but at least I feel better. Hang in there ladies. We deserve to be treated better! ☺

  • Leezil

    I’ve been seeing my married guy for a little over 1 1/2 yrs. We met on his 2nd year anniversary we work 4 the same place but we rarely see each other. He says he luvs me but was stay in the marriage as he felt it was his only chance to have a child. He is 35 and I am 44. I have grown children. He found out in November last year that his wife was pregnant. He says he was upset . Not happy like he thought. Bc now he suddenly realize how much he was SO in luv with me. The baby is due July 5. Tho in conversation he says he is going to leave and wants me , him and baby to be a family. This weekend his wife saw an innocent snap chat reply and apparently started question him. He always said he wouldn’t care if she found out. But when push came to shove it seemed a little like he wanted to save his butt. But says he was protect me. Idk what is real or not. Sometimes I really believe him. Mostly I think he’s too much of a little bitch to pull the plug on the marriage after the baby is born. He talks a big game. I cut off contact on Monday. It’s dsy 2 and I’ll b honest I’m fucking miserable. But I know I can’t give in. This has brought me nothing bUT misery. I can’t believe I found this site it has definitely help me. I just need to stay strong. I blocked him from everything. Do Unless He Calls ME FROM another Phone OR emails thru Work email. I suspect he will move on with his wife. I know I deserve all the heart ache I’m getting but it doesn’t seem fair he gets everything he wants when he was the married person. I do hope he is miserable. I hate being like thst. If anyone has any words of wisdom please tell me

  • Mhbb

    Update:
    The peace with my married man really didn’t last. We have nice dinner at nyc last Monday. That was pretty good. We met on Wednesday again for a networking dinner. After dinner we had a little physical contact. Then he went all crazy again on Thursday. As I said: most of our relationships r emotional based. Whenever we had physical. He always goes crazy ,pissed off for a couple of days. Either by too much guilt or by too much attachment. I did one week NC recently which really helped me to get rid of the clingy and neediness. I guess I have to go through another 4 weeks of NC again. This time, I got back to him , I told him clearly I don’t want negative emotional influence and mood swings anymore. I just want to enjoy my life and be optimistic. One of my friends died recently. I told him I am going to cherish every min in my life. I don’t want any sadness or regret if I die someday. The peace really didn’t last for 2 weeks.
    I guess I am really done this time. I can’t keep doing this breaking up and making up cycles. It’s been going on for almost a year. It’s not healthy. Today he texted a few times to me or in group texts. I didn’t reply for the group texts. I answered his questions politely if he asked in texts to me directly. No emotions and kept distance.
    Because of our relationship. He started to see therapist for a while. I hate his therapist . I told him stop mentioning anything about me. He said he is paying her to talk about his stuff and most of his stuff is about me.
    Now let me restart NC again together with u ladies. Let’s go through this together .

  • Patricia

    Hey ladies…so today NC and he hasn’t contacted me. I think I may have written something wrong in one of my posts. I have been dealing with the married man for 5 months only! Today was the first day trying the NC as I am really taking it one day at a time. It is definitely a rollercoaster right now. Most days I’m a happy person in general…bubbly, as soon as I roll out of bed. It’s one of the things most people like about me and others can’t stand it. Anyway, this rollercoaster ride is already taking me a loop. I’m so tough when I talk to him and I’m pretty good with acting like I’m not bothered when I am because most of the time I tell myself I can’t be bothered or upset with him because he has a wife. I can’t get upset if I don’t hear from him and if I don’t see him. He’s not mine…however, when I write in my journal or talk to my bff I can express how upset I am or disappointed. It’s not healthy but I’m 100% positive that GOD is working with me and not against so I will be ok NO MATTER WHAT

  • lillian

    Hi everyone my story is kind of different.
    Im now 27yrs I met my married man 2015 when I was 25yrs he really pursued me for ayear but he never told me he was was still with the mum of his twins he told me he was asingle dad of twins.we started dating seriously in 2016 mar he was the best man to ever happen to me he was 32yrs when we met .he would take care of all my financial responsibilities which he still does, he told me he wanted me for marriage and he loves me all was so well till I found out that he still stays with the mum of the twins oooh God I was so broken so hurt .i checked the ladys photos oooh yes i was way better prettier everthing i felt good about my self abit but my guy denied ever staying with the mum of the twins.yes they aint married officially but they stay together when I confronted him he denied every thing he told me its me he loves me & stays with nobody.i forgave him since I had no evidence but what was strange is I never knew where he stays which shows that he stays with someone since then ive tried to break up with him like 5 times but I find myself letting him back in my life again when I breakup with him he tries to ask what the problem is his so caring all ive dreamt of but his someone else’s man.the other Problem his denied ever staying with any one I found out from outside sources they had ever gone to court twice with the mum of kids but the court usually gives the custody to th mum of the twins so since this guy cant let his kids be taken they end up getting back together the twins r 6 n they have a aon 1yr .now my problem is I cant be the other woman it kills me so much despite my mm being so good to me supporting me financially denying he stays with any woman telling me he loves me soo much and showing it to me I want to let it go because I want the number one spot not second.How do I do it as he cabt seem to let me goo I know I will my owm man because at least im hard working though he helps out I laso make my own money. How do you let go of a hot succesfull young married man you love and he shows he loves you im so torn I dumped him on 15.4.17 the 6th time but his been pleading since then and im hurting too cant block him he will use other means please advise I cry myself to sleep every day like how the hell did I end up being with him.any one to help out .how do I shut him out for good I still love him, his good to me but I need to settle down how do I go about this anyone in my situation where its you who wants to dump the married man whose so good to you

  • Patricia

    Chloe and Rhea…thank you so much for your encouraging words. I will take this one day at a time starting with today. During NC you not only NOT CONTACT them but you also ignore when they contact you right ? Him and I communicate during the week but we see each other mainly on the weekends. Last night I made sure I was busy on purpose so that I was unavailable and when he called me I didn’t answerright away (just as he does) I called back later and said oh hey, he asked where I was i said I’m out with friends. He said hmmm…ok, call me when you get home. I said sure no problem. It felt good not to be available for him. I’ve done this a few times and he’s even said, you seem too busy for me at time. I love the fact that i do not allow him to take precedence over the plans I make with my family/friends. I know GOD is working on me…i believe that! He will NOT leave me.

  • Jen

    Ive been seeing a married man off and on for about a yr, his wife has ms and has told him to find someone because she is unable to dothings he enjoys. Well today for the 5th time he broke off with me. His daughter knows about me and he has told me his wife is a miserable person and he cant be with her anymore.I love him but these break ups are killing i want to move on but we work together and i see him everyday. I truly believe he wants to be with me but his lids mean the world to him. Please help me

  • Bruised

    I am struggling. And I need help. I’ve been with this married man for 10years… It’s a long time to be hiding. And too hard to walk away.

    • Lois

      WOW…I can’t imagine a 10 year relationship. It’s been almost a year for me and know how badly it hurts. It’s a pain that none of us should be experiencing because we deserve better. Of course, it’s easier said than done because if it wasn’t for my mm ending things once again last week, I wouldn’t have found this post. I’m so glad to know I’m not alone in this situation because they are so many of us. Why did things end?

    • AnnieGal

      Dear bruised, YIKES, It must make you feel so much loss. Loss of self! Loss of opportunities for your own happiness and made a huge impact on your sense of self worth and sense of what is the correct path to be on. You’ve sacrificed everything of yourself and I understand how alluring the emotions of having love in your life can feel and sometimes they are heightened if they are fleeting because you cant share a ‘real relationship’ with him.
      I am not sure of your age but if you want your own family than I urge you to go see a councillor and get some really good support. You may need to actually move away from the area you live in altogether in order to move on with your life.
      Habits are the hardest things to break and in this case love addiction is what you need to break in order to have a better and more healthier view on your own life and your own needs. You probably don’t even know what your own needs are outside of this union.
      If there is support through friends or other organisations maybe reach out there as well.
      You’re under a spell and it’s sapping you of everything good you deserve.
      In my case I made friends with someone online and from the start the told me he was divorced. Something inside me didn’t believe him. I was always suspicious although he acted very convincingly. I decided not to be intimate with him but ultimately I was having an emotional affair regardless and then last week after nearly 2 years of knowing him as a close friend he decided to tell me that yes, he is in fact married but even though he loves his wife he’s not having any intimacy with her and he looks for it outside of his marriage for that reason.
      Although I always suspected this it hit me hard. I no longer know how to relate to him because the confirmation that he’s married has changed how I look at him now…reality does really hit hard and it’s made me go back in my mind and disbelieve many things he said to you that may not have been genuine.
      I am still in shock mode so not sure what next and if I can even see him again just as a friend? Emotions are very complex and painful things in cases like ours so I wish you well. Both you and I and anyone else in a similar situation have to really look deeply at ourselves and what we need to become whole within ourselves but not necessarily through someone else married or not. 🙂 Good luck.

  • Patricia

    Hi Ladies…still difficult for me to do NC! It’s only been 5 months and I feel like I can’t miss a day without speaking to my married man. I try not to let him know how much I like him so I don’t answer all his calls. I be careful of how often I express any of my feelings…its just so dumb because I don’t even know why I’m continuing to entertain this when I know…he+me will never = we I wish I had other male friends I was dating. I feel lonely…that feeling is what has me in this situation in the first place. I really need to fill that void and replace it with GOD. I’m sure that will help me out. What do you ladies do with your spare time to occupy yourself ??

    • Chloe

      Just get out of the house n do things u used to enjoy. Shopping? Baking? Sports?
      Ask God for extra strength to go through this time. God is a loving God. He gives us a choice to be righteous but we screwed things up ourselves. But I know God won’t say ‘ see?? I told u.. “. He will not leave us alone to suffer.
      I m also feeling weak n scared that I will fall back to see him. We must be strong. We deserve a man that that treasure us, not hiding us like dirty laundry.

    • Rhea

      Patricia,
      I do anything but contact. The craving to call is ever present. Remember that this is an addiction and you have to treat it like that. During the day is the worst for me because that’s when we communicated. When I was with him I hated weekends because we wouldn’t be in touch. Now it’s the reverse.
      I focus on my work. I give myself a to-do list in my head every morning.
      I leave my phone in my car. It’s a tremendous relief. Not seeing him contact me kills me so it’s best to not be confronted with it every second.
      I keep my social calendar filled. In the end I’m exhausted and I think about him during every outing but it’s better than staring at the wall.
      My goal is to be more like a man emotionally. I want to be a woman where it matters. My children need me to nurture them, my sister needs my support, my girlfriend too. But when it comes to him, I am trying become detached and to make a focused, disciplined effort to move forward. While I am crumbling, he must not know that. I want him to think that he’s the farthest thing from my mind.
      This is a wound that’s healing. It’s a broken heart. Treat it like that. At first, my heart bled. Blood profusely gushing. Now the bleeding has stopped but the injury is raw and open. It won’t always be this way though.
      And I am comforted knowing that someday I’ll be vindicated for him using and discarding me. I did the right things. I loved genuinely even though it was forbidden love. He must live with the consequences of his actions.

      • Popo

        Funny Rhea. Absolutely also hated weekends. Hated! Coz I know he would be silent. Now… I have this relief like thank goodness I don’t have to feel that emptiness during weekends… Letting go is a different kind of pain- in my view its better than the cycle of jealousy, pain, being ignored…
        In my moments of clarity I really have relief… Like thank goodness I’m not dealing with that drama. I’m not even angry (a few moments maybe not mostly not).. I’m happy I’m going this direction coz its the sure sign of healing.

      • Shay

        Dear Rhea,
        I just wanted to say that I relate to where you are at this point in time. I have not cut things off completely but have a genuine desire to and I think I am getting there. Weekends ARE awful for me right now. Hence am on here at the moment! The biggest mistake was not having enough going on in my life when we meet. So since tying to cut him off I have also been trying desperately to occupy myself – gym, extra shifts, outings, trips, etc. Somehow it still means I can’t delete him and still get those videos and lots of messages about his love for me… I am mostly completely ignoring them now but I still feel very hurt when he goes quiet at the weekend. I don’t understand how he can say all of this put then prove to be 100 percent devoted to his wife. My head knows to not engage at all with him as a first step. I can’t wait to get to the point where I am not thinking about him throughout every second of every day.
        I like what you said about loving genuinley. I stupidly gave him my whole heart, yet he claims now that he is constantly heartbroken and hurt. I find that hard to understand. Does he believe the wife’s words that I manipulated him for whatever reason and am cruel to have done that when he has small kids….? Whatever he case, I know the truth and the situation is killing me. Small steps to healing a heart broken in worse ways than I ever could have imagined. Still a bit raw, but you are right in saying that staying true and good is all that matters, I too will be vindicated as the truth is always the most powerful influence in the end.

    • Popo

      That was me Patricia after my 5 month break up… Guess what…..Got sucked back in and then it was 11 months. Don’t get sucked back in and to do that, Firstly – stop telling yourself you can’t live without him. What you focus on grows. Don’t obsess over – I must not think of him… I must not think of him… I must not think of him…. Just be fully present for other things and before you know it, you are making other memories. Sending you hugs….

  • lillian

    hi everyone ,
    i dumped my married man on 15/4/17 this time for the 6th time and im sure this time im done ,i will not listen to his please again ,we had dated for 2 years he never told me he still stays with his baby mama all along i thought i was dating a single dad i had been suspicious he could be staying with the baby mama but never had proof when i found the proof i dumped him but his been contacting me since his been pleading that he loves me & wants to marry me but truth is if he really wanted to marry me the 2 years we hve been together he would have already broken up with baby mama to settle for me he dnt.when i found out the truth i never gave him any tantrum i just told him i had found out and told him im to good to be aside woman so we end it,he never accepted that he stays with baby mama.
    yesterday at night i finally blocked all his contacts but my other phone failed to block him im shaking we were so good to each other i never wanted us to be like this but thats the right thing to do .so today makes my first NC DAY i have promised myself not to go on wats app for 30days hope God helps me.
    He really loved me i loved him he really always cared for me and my family,if he wasn’t taken would have been with him all my life but i cant be with him waiting for him to leave the baby mama cant let myself go through thru lonely nights.what if he never leaves. im not being mean but i saw the baby mama she is damn ugly and im prettier ,im good patient loyal hard working our sex was great too my be thats why he acts like he cant leave without me each time i dump him. i can get better but truth i know the process wont be easy.pray for me i pull through to the 30th day i will come here to testify
    I pray he doesn’t come to my apartment i will be too weak to say no but at least with me i can hold myself 30 days and i will not contact him because i know its the right thing to do.help me i get over him please ,because i was used of him taking care of my financial needs his very successful and young .im 27yrs his 33yrs .oooh God will i ever come here to testify that i got over him and im now fine .it will be among my best days in life

    • Rhea

      lillian,
      Do not destroy your life and waste your most valuable years on this married man. At this age, you should be in a relationship that leads to marriage. If you’re his side piece for years, you’re giving up that opportunity and when you look up, you’ll see that all the good guys are married.
      If he wants to be with you, nothing and no one on this planet will stop him from moving out of that woman’s place. Leave him alone. Throw your phone away if you need to. Force him to make a choice and the way to do that is to walk away. A lot of us women, me included, pursue men too much. By doing that, we never truly know what their real intentions are. Of course, if we pursue, they’ll most likely come to us for sex. But what about a loving committed relationship? You can’t convince anyone to commit.
      Please think of your future.

      • Shay

        Rhea,
        That is really good advice. The difference between sex and a committed relationship and how to determine if it will exist. Simply stand back and find out, because sex to us women can mean something very different, and it makes his words especially convincing. I have known for some time that the man I was seeing just needed some passion, despite everything else he said to me about wanting me forever. I would agree with you 100 percent with the advice you give about not letting other chances go. Dating at my age has felt dreadful so far. I would love to be in my late twenties for this reason. Time flies, do not waste it chasing a man who has not left his wife.
        Thankyou for putting it so succinctly!

      • lillian

        HI Rhea & every one here .
        how are you guys fairing ,okay the last time i updated you guys that after finding out my boyfriend still stays with his baby mama i dumped him & blocked him on 28.4.17.
        He wrote me so many messages that he really loves how about he formalizes our relationship .he was like is it okay he sees my parents i never replied to any.He told me not to leave him that he loves me with his all i ignored the messages.on 28.4.17 i blocked him & quit watsapp .he blew my phone with 100s of calls remember you can easily see in call logs someone you have blocked he kept trying to call.
        he sent me messages that i should give him a second chance or listen to him.All i told him was i never had a problem with him but i cant be a sidewoman. He told me im his number one that he has no one.I NEVER SAID ANYTHING I COMPLETELY IGNORED HIM COMPLETELY.
        so on 30.4.17 after he saw i was not picking all his calls he drove to my apartment,it was on Sunday i wanted to close my door he pleaded i should listen to him for the last.so i told him to come in.
        he knelt down and told me he loves me from the sole of his feet,he wanted to cry ,he said that i should tell him anything he will do it.He was like ca he go see my parents formally.All i said is at my age i want to settle down so i cant be aside piece he told me that im not his side piece then i asked him why then dont i know where you stay if im your only one.I further told him if his not ready to settle down now he can forget me & i move on peacefully cant waste my youth full years on an decided man he told me his decided its me he wants.Then he promised to take me to his house this week.He bought his own house that i know he doesnot rent.
        He left me with his ATM cards and his Pin numbers ,he said he can never let me go ,he further said among the things he can let go im not one of them.
        I gave him his belongs at my place he nevr took any he said its me he wants and he is going to prove me wrong that not all men are the same
        please advise me what can i do.
        what can i tell him
        Thats how far please advise me what can i do now

    • Rhea

      Lilian,

      If he really wants you, he will do anything to be with you. That means that he will get an apartment, he will move out, he will give you keys to his apartment, he will have you around his child, he will take you when he goes to pick up his child for visits. Until and unless he does that, do not stay with him. I think you mentioned that he pays some of your bills. Yet, I wouldn’t let him be my only option. Do not limit yourself. You will regret it. I have friends who had men string them alone during the best years – the years when you get married and have children. Now those friends are without those men and without kids and they are in their 40s. You are in your twenties.
      He’s desperate because he’s scared to lose you. The only way to force his hand is to leave him completely. 14 years ago, my now husband and I were dating. He was being a huge jerk – had other women, was hanging out all the time, had not time for me. I left him and started dating someone else. That made him go crazy. It caused him to stop the partying and treat me much much better. Unfortunately, after our marriage, he reverted to cheating but for many years, he behaved and gave me what i wanted. The only way for me to have gotten that result was to make him think that he had lost me.

  • Unstrung

    This article as well as all your comments have made me decide to once and for all end my relationship with a married man. I knew from the start that I’d be on the losing end but still pushed through with it because that’s what I thought I needed at that time. I just knew and felt that we love each other. It went on for more than 2 years. We’ve been long time friends prior and I even knew his wife.

    I have decided to start No Contact and my only concern at this point is that his life remain unchanged while I on the other hand am hurting to my core. And alone. It’s just so unfair how they can go through their happy lives without consideration that they messed up ours.

  • Chloe

    To all ladies who r thinking of breaking up with your married men, I think we have to do some pre-break up actions.
    1) Start to have some activities u like without him. Eg. Cooking, baking…music.. anything u like b4 u met him. I slowed down my running for him n I played tennis to spend more time with him. After I planned to break up with him, I slowly detached myself away. I prayed and ask God to help as I felt so helpless. Had a knee injuries so have good reason to stop tennis. Now I started jogging again.
    2) I tell myself it will be painful. That I will miss him (just like many of u), but this is not a sign of true love. I didn’t block him because I know it will make me more anxious n text him. We must identify our feelings so that we can control them.
    It is true. . After breakup they will always say they miss u, they will die if we leave them. After a while, they will forget about u . They treat us like their disposal underwear. Used n throw. Recieve a text from last night after 4 days of break up saying he love me… today when I text him, it took him a few hours to reply. I realised he went out with his family! To think that we have been deceived all these while n believe their lies. 😠😠😠.

  • lillian

    Hi everyone my story is kind of different.
    Im now 27yrs I met my married man when I was 25yrs he really pursued me for a year but he never told me he was was still with the mum of his twins he told me he was a single dad of twins.we started dating seriously in 2016 mar he was the best man to ever happen to me he was 32yrs when we met .he would take care of all my financial responsibilities which he still does, he told me he wanted me for marriage and he loves me all was so well till I found out that he still stays with the mum of the twins oooh God I was so broken so hurt .i checked the ladys photos oooh yes i was way better prettier everything i felt good about my self abit but my guy denied ever staying with the mum of the twins.yes they aint married officially but they stay together when I confronted him he denied every thing he told me its me he loves me & stays with nobody.i forgave him since I had no evidence but what was strange is I never knew where he stays which shows that he stays with someone since then ive tried to break up with him like 5 times but I find myself letting him back in my life again when I breakup with him he tries to ask what the problem is his so caring all ive dreamt of but his someone else’s man.the other Problem his denied ever staying with any one I found out from outside sources they had ever gone to court twice with the mum of kids but the court usually gives the custody to th mum of the twins so since this guy cant let his kids be taken they end up getting back together the twins r 6 n they have a 1yr .now my problem is I cant be the other woman it kills me so much despite my married man being so good to me supporting me financially denying he stays with any woman telling me he loves me soo much and showing it to me I want to let it go because I want the number one spot not second.How do I do it as he cabt seem to let me goo I know I will my owm man because at least im hard working though he helps out I laso make my own money. How do you let go of a hot successfull young married man you love and he shows he loves you im so torn I dumped him on 15.4.17 the 6th time but his been pleading since then and im hurting too cant block him he will use other means please advise I cry myself to sleep every day like how the hell did I end up being with him.any one to help out .how do I shut him out for good I still love him, his good to me but I need to settle down how do I go about this anyone in my situation where its you who wants to dump the married man whose so good to you

    • Chloe

      I 1000% understand what u r going through!!! I also broke up with him 4 days ago… he said he fell sick n can’t live without me. He cared for me so much in the past n I felt I was e luckiest woman on earth. Today is the 5th day n he is missing… text him n asked if he is feeling better.. n took him few hours to reply.
      My sister , don’t believe their lies!!!! He might be holding his wife happily right at this moment while we thought he is suffering because we broke up with them. We mustn’t let them control us 😢

  • Feya

    Im here because i feel so weak weak to face this problem alone. When i read all the stories, now i feel better and i decided to write my story. I met my married man in office. He’s one of my manager. He ask my phone number for a work thing, he said. I gave him my number. Nothing happen until he chat me at 10pm ask for occupation. I didn’t reply it because its not office hour. I know there’s something wrong with his guy. I replied it in the morning. Long story short, we keep in contact like a good morning and good night chat, and all flirting chat. He is romantic. He said all the thing women wants to hear. He said im pretty, he said he can’t life without me, he said he wants to be my husband. We are watching movie, we are kissing, we are dating. He wants to making love with me, but i never say yes. Fyi, im a virgin, i dont want to loose my virginity before married. Until i got a nightmare that his wife come to me and look very angry. I told him about my dream, i was scared as hell. He said, ok its over, but can we still keep in touch? Can we still be friend? Stupidly i said yes. It gets harder because he’s my manager, i always meet him at office. He never trully leave me. He still chat flirting to me, once a week. I get stronger when he doesn’s chat me, but when he did again, i get the lovely feeling back. Always. Im so confuse, i feel weak. What should i do? Because i can’t block his number, block his social media, etc. he’s my manager, i can’t really leave, i can’t ignore him. Get another job? Yes, im on process to find another job. I never thought that i can be trapped in this situation. Im so weak.

    • Patricia

      Feya…save your virginity for your husband not this man. You have to be strong and move on. Yea, i know it is easier said than done. I am sleeping with a married man but I think you will beat yourself up if you sleep with him and he doesnt break things off with his wife to be with you. You deserve someone that belongs to you and only you. We ALL do! Pray about it.

  • Clair

    So he ended it again. Need I remind you he did it like two weeks ago but then started texting me again asking was I ok and now two weeks later telling me we need to stop . He just says I’m sorry and I don’t mean to hurt you and blahblahblah. Told me he was going to miss me so much and he doesn’t want to end it but we have to. I don’t know if this really is the end because he has done this so many times. I was ok last time when he ended it but then he started texting me and got me all wrapped up again and now I’m sad again. I know the best thing is for us to not be together cause when we’re not in not wondering when I’ll talk to him again but it still makes me sad. I just want to be strong enough to resist him in case he texts me again which he probably will. Thoughts anyone?

    • Lois

      Unfortunately, I understand what you are going through because this has happened in my situation. We have ended so many times to the point you are uncertain if it’s for real this time. Since we wor together and doesn’t want any evidence through texts emails, he will stop by my office a week or so later to ask how im doing. Really…how does he think I’m doing…mentally exhausted. He enjoys being with me but the guilt from being around his kids and of course now it’s his health that keeps him from being with me. Like you, I just want to be strong enough to stay away and be done. Being able to share with someone seems to be helping so thanks!

      • Clair

        So Wednesday was when he said we needed to end this and just the way I am everything I’m thinking I have to say it. So I texted him Friday morning and was just telling him how I will always miss him and how much I cared for him and we chit chatted throughout the day and by the end of the day we were back to talking like we always have. Men are very weak and it doesn’t matter how hard they try and keep it together they sooner or later crack but he wants it to be where he messages me when he wants to see me and maybe will text me here and there just to see how I’m doing. A part of me says yes because he’s still in my life but I’m a woman and I’m to emotional for that. Like last night, he posted a pic on Snapchat where he had hurt his foot and I just replied back oh no are you ok? Well I know he wanted me to see it cause he rarely posts on there and then he opened it but never replied back. I want to be strong enough to where I don’t text him and just see how long it is for him to text me. He says I don’t know when to stop texting and I expect to much from him but since he’s married he can’t give me what he would if he wasn’t. And to he says he’s not but I’m always worried he’s talking to someone else. What should I do? Should I text him tomorrow when I know he’s away from his family and say I was just checking on your foot or just wait till he messages me? I know he probably thinks I will message him tomorrow.

    • Sickofthisrollercoaster

      Hi,
      Mine also ended things yesterday even though we agreed at the beginning of the month to stop. I actually felt positive, alive and confident about our mutual decision at the time. We lasted a couple days before I got the “I’m thinking about you and missing you” message. I got sucked right back in and am so disappointed in myself. Now a few weeks later and I feel so depressed. I know this is toxic and unfulfilling yet there’s something really nice about feeling closeness with the opposite sex. Maybe I need to make a list of all the times when I felt sad, disappointed and let down and look at that when nostalgia sets in. Right now I feel like I can’t function or do anything. I may take PTO tmw.

    • Jen

      I am in the same position as you are. The married man i was involved with for a yr or so we have broke up 5 times and everytime he comes crawling back in a few weeks. I cant keep going thru this i care very much for him but these break ups are hurtful. The thing is his wife knows about me she has ms and has okd the relstionship

    • Lois

      Hey Clair. I have gone through the same thing with my married man. He told me his conscious bothers him at home so it would be easier if I would not communicate with him. Of course, he now claims he doesn’t receive any of my texts. He even had me text him while in his office to prove there is an issue. My gut tells me it’s too much of a coincidence. Like you, I was more than willing to be at his convenience as long as it meant I wouldn’t lose him totally. At least your mm contacts you, i don’t hear a peep from mine. He will stop by my office after a few days of no contact to check on me. What gets me is this is his idea to end things. I was okay to hook up occasionally, so I understand where you are coming from. He ended things on Tuesday and I haven’t contacted him except an email letting him know that I had accidentally dialed his number by mistake. He called me back but didn’t answer. I’m so so freaking confused because I know in my heart that all it would take is him wanting me back and in a few weeks it would this all over again. I’m tired of hurting and not knowing how he truly feels because it won’t say except he cares deeply for me. I can’t tell you the number of times that I have composed an email expressing my feelings but never send it to him. I send it to my work email and read it later. I usually am grateful it was never sent to him. I don’t want him to have the satisfaction that he is own my mind that much. So to answer your question, I would not contact him…see how long it takes for him to contact you. The longer he waits to contact you maybe it will help you realize where you stand with him. I think we are both better off without them but it is much easier said than done.

    • Leezil

      U have to b strong. After 1 1/2 I ended it with my married guy. We’ve broken up on and off sometimes him sometime me. It’s all bullshit. Keeps saying how much they luv u. But they never leave. My guy is having his 1st child due in july. I can’t do it anymore. I blocked from everything. I have to b strong and so do u.

  • Lois

    Hey, ladies. After searching several websites to help get over this yucky, gut wrenching feeling, I ran across this site which has helped me realize that I am definitely not alone. I have been married for almost 27 years and would have never in a million years thought I would be in this position. I know my husband loves me with all of his heart but he has resented our children for years because he feels they robbed him of his best friend and wife. My children are my world, so there has been ongoing wedge being put between my husband and I for some time. A few years ago, my very dear friend at work had an affair with her boss who is married. It did not end well and there is hard feelings. However, I saw how the affair helped her restore her marriage and she said the sex with mm was awesome. I found myself longing for what she had and pursued the mm she had an affair with but here I am a year later with my heart aching for someone that did not want me anymore than he wanted her. Honestly, I never intended for my feelings for this guy to be more than just casual sex but guess what did not work out that way. I do not know what is wrong with me because this guy never pursued me, never bought me anything, not even worthy of a hotel room…sex in various places at work after hours, maybe two compliments in a year that I looked nice. He is not one for opening up and sharing his feelings, so you never know what is on his mind which was kind of a turn on at first because he was mysterious and it intrigued me. He has 4 kids (set of triplets) and I have 3 kids (set of twins), so we connected in many levels. The sex was great or at least think so because I have been with the same man since I was 16…the passion was there which has not been in marriage for some time because it is hard to want to be with someone who is not nice to children. Do not get me wrong my husband isn’t always a jerk…about half and half but the good side is what keeps me in the relationship. I do love him but he has hurt me with how he talks to our kids and me at times. Anyway, the mm has ended the relationship several times over the past year but we always seem to hook back up. Of course, I have to initiate it but there are settle ways that he would let me know he was interested and silly me would take the bait…hook line and sinker. He has told me that the guilt overwhelms him with his kids…not some much his wife who refers to as THE WIFE for whatever reason. He has some medical issues but not sure if he is telling the truth because he told my friend he had a brain tumor which was 4 years ago. Yesterday, he told me he wanted to end, end things because he has health has worsened and needs to have focus on it and his children. He has to make good conscious decisions and cannot do that and be with me. What was I supposed to say…the heck with your health plus dang I have to some dignity. If the guy does not want me, I need to let it go but much easier said than done because I have really let myself have feelings for this guy. Thanks for letting me share because I have kept this inside for too long and have no else to talk to about it.

    • Lois

      It’s been a couple of days with no contact. I’m really struggling. The sad part is that he has ended things before so part of me is uncertain whether this time is for real. After our talk on Tuesday, I found out from my friend who had the affair with first with him that he is taking a different position and will be moving offices. He somewhat alluded to possible changes in his department but I don’t understand why he couldn’t tell me. He says that I’m one of the few people he trusts but I don’t know what is the truth anymore. He says his health condition has worsened but won’t tell me about it except he’s been able to hide things for a long time but will start be more noticeable. He said he told my friend about it when they were together. Once again, I guess I’m chopped liver because he won’t talk to me about it but has with her. Yes I’m jealous and it pisses me off because I am not a jealous type never have been. Everything about this affair had been totally out of my character. So I asked my friend…he told her brain tumor about 4 years ago then about 3 years ago nonhodgkin lymphoma. Who knows the truth. About 5 months ago he mentioned he had ulcerative colitis when we were at a conference…only because he couldn’t be with me that night. This post has really helped me to see that I have been a complete idiot. However. My heart is broken and need strength to nit get go back. I can’t do this emotional rolla coaster anymore. The respect of my children is not worth this guy…

      • Sickofthisrollercoaster

        I’m back here again after posting several days ago. I have not contacted him nor has he reached out to me. We haven’t spoken since last Wed and for some reason this weekend has been really challenging. I can’t stop thinking about him even though I know that it’s poisonous. I’ve been crying on and off today. I’ve seriously looked at my phone a million times thinking maybe…. We’ve broken up so many times and he has been the one to break down and get back into contact. This is the longest we have gone which makes me truly believe that it’s for real. Donezo and goodbye. I hope this emptiness passes soon. I’ve read every online article about ending things with a married man and healing. I refuse to get in touch with him. Stay strong. I wish all of you the best!

  • Janet

    Hi ladies,
    Came across this after doing a search on how to break up with a married man. Here’s my story.
    Met him a little over a year ago at work. He asked me out but I stated to him I don’t date co-workers. My supervisor at the time knew I was single and suggested he would be someone I could date because he was single. Fast forward, a few months after the initial meeting he changed jobs and reached out to me. For the first 3 months we talked and texted everyday. His new job required him to do a lot of traveling in and out of the country so we didnt see each other often. He always sent me his itinerary on where he would be (flight, hotel , etc).Fourth month we went on an eight day vacation to the Bahamas which included a cruise and a few days in Florida. After that we went on several more vacations which included my kids and grandchildren. Just gave away that I am an older person. LOL. Seventh month he started becoming distant. I even told him he was changing on me. Several times during the relationship I asked him was he married because signs started telling me he was. His answer was always NO. Even co-workers thought he was single because that’s what he was telling everyone when he worked with me. My gut instincts kept telling me to research a marriage license. I found it and the date he was married. When I comforted him about his lie, he could only say, “I’m sorry, I never meant for this to happen and that I would fall in love with you.” Months went by without us speaking nor seeing each other. During that time I cried, felt angry at being deceived because he proposed to me . Yes, the man asked me to marry him. He reached out a week ago,and we met and were able to have a decent conversation. I shared with him how I felt and did not hold back on my feelings. He has since apologized and told me he valued me as a person, as a friend because I offered him a listening ear and showed that I was a caring person. I did tell him I am deserving of a man of my own. One that won’t take away my choice of what type of relationship I choose to be in. Ladies let me say this, it will hurt whether you went in knowing or not. A man will use excuses and make promises that he will break. Know your worth. We are all QUEENS and are deserving to be treated as such. I always had platonic male friends and a life of my own. Keep what you already had when you met him. Don’t detach from friends and family. Mr. Married WIIL disappoint. From a woman hurt and deceived by a 60 year old married man.
    Much love to each of you.

  • Mhbb

    Update :
    I met married man 2 days earlier than originally planned time. One day after he came back from vacation. after we really haven’t seen each other close to a month. ( it was just daily lots of texts). The meeting was quite intense more than emotional level, a little to my surprise. Then yesterday we back to our ” super friendship” again. We had dinner in nyc and chat about business. We r trying to adjusting to pull back the emotions to ” friendship ” . Whatever it is, I don’t want fight , don’t want to argument or heartbroken again. Just keep the peace. We kissed. But that’s about it . Maybe I am trying fool myself. We r not in any relationship. We r just super friend. But something we both agreed : we r inseparable. He will never ever leave me the rest of his life no matter what happens.
    I just want to enjoy every min with the person I truly care and love. Reality is we can’t be togather physically. That is the best for the families and children getting involved . We texted periodically throughout the day today and we meet for a networking dinner tomorrow . I am looking forward to it.
    Will keep posted

  • Patricia

    Hi Ladies…one of good friends whom recently got married told me she wasn’t sure of what to say to me about my married man situation. She said she didn’t want to be a judgy friend because she knows I’ve never done anything like this before. She said all I will say is you know it’s wrong morally and you know you need to end it so I am not going to tell you over and over again to end it. She asked if I knew it was wrong why would I do ? Isn’t that the million dollar question??! Here is my rational…I am a lonely young woman, single parent of 2 beautiful children 14 & 11. I attend all school events, extra curriculum activities and you ladies with kids know you’re always ON DUTY. They keep me pretty busy. (Eventhough theyre older, i have to spend most of my week and weekends catoring to them and I am not complaining because I signed up for that when i had them…doing it alone is the painful part) I’ve been in 2 long term failed relationships (one of them being their dad). Both relationship were filled with habitual cheating. I did 3 years of therapy to help teach me some skills about how to deal with life’s challenges. I recently had a one year relationship with someone I have known all my life. I mean literally all my life (our family had close ties) and I allowed myself to get so caught up with him because I knew him as a family friend and knew he liked me all my life that i neglected to really get to know him before I rushed into a relationship with him well one year later he moved out from my home into the next woman’s home. My ego was bruised but I don’t believe I was as invested in him as I thought I was…anyway my point of bringing this up is because I’ve truly always been loyal and yet left behind for the next woman. I think these things are part of the reason for why I am now in a situation where I’m the other woman. I think I’m searching for something and the answer lies with me and not in a man whether he is available or unavailable. Have anyone else done some therapy to understand why you are dealing with a man that is unavailable and why it is hard to let go ? If so, can you share what tools you gained from therapy to help you figure out why you continue to do something you know is not right….

    • Lara

      HI Patricia, I identify a lot with our story. I too was a single Mom of two (aged 7 and 10) when I started my affair and I too know all about friends telling me it was “wrong”. I am also in therapy a long time and making fine progress! As you know therapy is no quick fix! But the answers to our romantic attractions often lie in our primary care givers when we were young. Also in whatever love relationships we observed adults having in front of us when we were young. As for the moral aspect it is true that something being “wrong” should theoretically stop us from doing things that harm us and harm others. But unfortunately something “wrong” maybe can look “right” to us in a certain situation for whatever reason, no matter what our sense of morality is. In other words, “wrong” may appear “right!” In the end what gets us out of affairs is our intentions to get out and the steps we take to make sure we do not go back. What I mean is: It is very concrete step work and not everyone is ready at the same time. I urge you try the goasksuzi.com website for some actual programs that work IF you follow them. (No I am not working for this website!) lol You can choose any other “Get out of an Affair (jail) ” program….just make sure it has you writing and thinking a lot and asks you to list things and think about things etc. etc.
      The stuff Suzie suggests is time consuming and takes work! But if you really want to get out of an affair you can do it! I know I for one am DONE with my MM once again. 8 years ago, I left my MM for 5 full years! And I went back to graduate school and improved my life during that time ON MY OWN. But alas I got careless with my self care, and I got careless with my standards for myself, and I started feeling like I could not bear not seeing him etc etc and he had started pursuing me again ( and then again somehow “wrong” seemed “right” again to me) and sadly, I went back in. But again I ended up in absolute misery/torture just like every other time I have been with him after awhile. I honestly believe I am dealing with a NARC and have been reading up on “how to leave a narcissist” too. And now I am getting out again! But never EVER EVER underestimate the power of the MM (especially a NARC) to try and play mind games to get you back! Many of these guys are Experts in this class. They are like chess masters in this game of life. I have known mine a long long time and so I can say this with confidence: these guys are unbelievably slick (some of them).

  • hardtime

    Well after 14 days NC. He texted me saying he missed his friend. We were friends for 15 years in the Affair for 6 years. Tried to back off a few times. I finally had the courage 14 days ago to say dont contact me for 30days (i know it should have been forever but the friendship is hard) I broke down and met with him after the text we talked things out saying lets try this friendship thing but i know it will go back to the way it was before I need the courage to say no and go back to NC i was doing so well. Need strength again

    • Broken Heart

      Just to reply to you,I am in the same situation only difference is that i am married too. I have been with this man for nearly 2 years. His wife found out last year and blamed all their issues on me. We still remained close however i started doing the running and chasing. I have no kids and he has one. Uses the child as am excuse as a reason for staying in his marriage. I love him with all my heart and will give up my unhappy marriage for him. It breaks me into a million pieces that he wont do the same for me. True lovet conquers all,however im beginning to think he was only inlove with the idea of me. I pray to God for strength to let go because i am dying inside. Living a double life and having to pretend to be ok. I need peace in my life and i need to let go because he will never evet care about me or love me the way i deserve. Good luck to all of us in this situation,it is really the worst ever

  • Sasha

    Hello ladies,
    After reading all these stories, I thought I will write mine.
    I have been seeing a married man for over a year.
    Is is my coworker, i was married my left my husband earlier this year.
    He left his wife, but since he left something has changed, he is different.
    I could feel it and I can tell.
    I want to end this toxic relationship, I have managed 3 days without texting him, but today I txt him and aske is there is a problem as I haven’t heard from him.
    He txt me back saying sorry, I’ll explain tomorrow.
    I have got this feeling that he has gone back home to his wife.
    This is killing me physically and emotionally

  • Shay

    I have never posted on one of these forums before, but reading about other people’s stories seems to be therapeutic so I thought I would tell some of my story here too.
    I met a married man at work and he came after me with so much charm and enthusiasm that I could not resist in the end. When we tried to end it he would bring his toddler to me on a Saturday after finding out where I was and would encourage me to bond with the child, even calling me ‘new mummy’. I feel so naive now and I regret ever letting him in. However, somehow he touched upon my deepest hopes and desires and on top of that we had a really powerful connection, so it was all hard to resist and I believed that he wanted to leave his wife. It was all too powerful to see properly or think as usual. It was like being on drugs and getting easily swept up.
    Then came the news that his wife was pregnant, he told me about 5 months in to her pregnancy. By this point we could not leave each other alone, and we were both drinking heavily to numb the reality. I know I should have left at this point. I put too much trust in the fact that he believed the wife would be reasonable because it was a loveless marriage and it would work out if he helped support the kids.
    He moved out and I moved in with him. I knew as soon as I moved in that it was a mistake. I knew while I was packing to leave but ignored the feeling, and when I moved in I was overwhelmed with a sad feeling. Too late then. Their second child was born a few months later and of course he started spending most of his time with his family, continuing to have a lot of sex with me. I started to feel used and degraded.
    In the end he spent so much time there and I could sense that he wanted to be back. He was always getting threatening messages from the wife that he didn’t share with me but I could sense everything. In the end he did go back and moved to America to start a job earning a huge amount of money. He still contacts me claiming that he was manipulated to go back and that he is very unhappy and wants me. He says he has a plan to be with me in the future after he earns enough money to set the kids up. I have never felt so up and down, such a big separation between my heart and my mind. One minute I believe him and the next I think he is just cruel. Where I am at at the moment is I don’t know how to stop our connection. I block him, unblock him, block him and it just goes on. We feel close and connected and I am 38, single and used to him filling me up as he has done for two years. It is very hard to let go but I know is he is using me to make life more bearable for him. I dont want to waste years being stuck on him.
    I know that he will never leave because things happen which are a big sign to me and they catch him out. Recently he asked me to visit him while he is on a conference. My first reaction was no way. Then I decided to say yes,if his life plan to be with me were true then it makes sense to spend some time and work things out, as it has been all phone calls and messaging for several months. The minute I said I would arrange it, I sensed a shift from him. Then it comes out that he wasn’t sure due to the guilt of the kids. Finally it comes out. He will say anything but not change things in reality. I think I am serving to make his committment to his wife and kids stronger. I am still sometimes very confused about his behaviour, and even if it isn’t real love it feels like it. I have felt blinded and weak by it. I have tried going on dates, have tried everything to not feel consumed by him. I tell myself that I realise his true intentions but my heart keeps wanting him and wanting more. He sends videos of himself declaring his love. I wish I was too busy and distracted to not care. I have no kids, no home of my own, am trying to save money so i don’t do much. I am trying to build up friendship circles but I feel so down a lot of the time that I don’t have the energy. So I end up thinking about him and living for his love and attention. He wants me to believe we are soulmates who are supposed to be together, yet he will never leave. I am letting him do this to me and sometimes I feel it will drive me crazy.

    • Popo

      Oh Shay. This is bad. This man is trouble, get away from him as soon as possible. He will hurt you and drag you along. Great you ended the relationship! First step!!!!!

    • SoInLove

      Hi shay,

      I 100% know exactly everything you are going through and feeling. I am in the same situation. I have been with my married man for 2 years as well and he says all the right things but his actions don’t match his words. I have done it all, I have cried a million tears, argued, threatened to walk away..you name it I have done it. Trying my hardest to get hint to understand my pain and what he is doing to my life. It’s destroys us. I want out so bad because I know all it’s going is destoying me. Every piece of me. But I can’t make myself walk away. Would love to talk with you through email if you’re ok with that. I know it helps to have someone to talk to who gets it. This forum is amazing.

      My email is [email protected]

    • Lara

      Shay you are in very deep with this man. I feel for you! I think you will need a good deal of support to get away from this married man. I feel for you! I too am single. I really don’t know if that makes it easier or harder to leave a married man but I do know I have no relationship to go back to now that I have left my married man. So the pain of the loneliness can feel very intense. Overwhelming at times! You might want to find a good therapist or counselor. I did that. I also worked with an online program I found at goasksuzie.com that I have found extremely helpful! The only thing is, I fudged the “no contact” part last fall after our July break up and that is what got me reeled back in very briefly again last December. But I got out again almost immediately! At that point we tried (again) to just be “friends via the occasional text” for awhile with no other contact. But I found that too excruciating as I could see pics of the MM and his wife on Facebook for Valentine’s Day! Aaaaargh. Pure Torture. I had to cut all contact. Last week I said my final goodbye and cut contact completely. It is hard yes but easier than the “gray” areas. Try and remove yourself from this highly complicated situation you are in just for awhile and get some sanity back for yourself! These affairs mess with us big time emotionally and psychologically (not to mention physically) and they are highly toxic even though they can feel so good at times! That “good feeling” is long gone from the situation I am in……I am sending you courage!

    • Sorrow

      Hi Shay,i am crying as i am reading your post. I feel exactly like you do and i am going through the same. You cant share this with anyone as no one would understand and would label us homewreckers. Yet it is those very same men who have lured their way into pur lives and who have played and manipulated us. I am at a point where i keep running back. I cant concentrate on work,life and family and i hate him for it yet i love him with every fibre of me. Only God can help me and i pray that he does soon as i feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest.

      • Shay

        Sorry that it had made you feel emotional. I find myself in tears at least once a day. I have not been myself since meeting this man. I know what you mean about being labelled. I can’t even talk to my friends and family anymore. Since he went back to the wife people don’t want to know anymore. That was my cue to get out without any excuses. Just block his number they say. I am not sure why I can’t! I even feel paranoid sometimes. Like he and is wife are actually conspiring against me. That they will BOTH turn around and point the finger at me to say how can I be such a cruel person. This is my main motivation to get out now. The wife is very strong willed, thinks a lot of herself and extremely manipulative. She had the power to influence his thinking, especially when she uses the kids to do so. It is how she got him back once already. And if he is so easily manipulated once, then who knows what is around the corner. I have really been soul searching to know how to end this for good. I had the chance to live with him which has probably given me a big realistic insight into how it can be. I feel your pain. I have also had major problems with concentrating and keeping it together. Just make sure you try to stay as busy as he is. Keep yourself open to other opportunities. Easier said than done, as I know how it feels to let a man in who seems to consume you. It is about getting the control back. He has your heart but you are out of control. I have not found the answers yet but try your best to pursue other interests.

    • lillian

      Hi shay I totally get what you mean you feel they want you but they cant act .your holding on because yiu have a feeling his the one for you but on the other hand you feel he could be using you to make his family stronger im your situation kind of my guy never told me he stays with them mum of his kids when I found oit he totally denied but he never took the step to start staying with me he says he loves me he ignores it when I dump jim loke as though he dnt hear I said its over his so good and caring to me it’s hard to let him go but I dumped jim 2wks ago again I hope this time strong not to let him in again he keeps pleading that im all his got but these mem we cant really tell if thwu really love is or just string ing us along aa we waste more years hope we get the guts to let go for ever I will be proud of myself.

  • Lara

    Hi Ladies I am updating. I wrote a very short to my ex MM on Sunday saying I did not think we should be in contact anymore and that I was now busy with my own life and own family. Then I blocked his number. And all the other social media apps stuff etc.
    We were winding down (again) anyhow but this time saying “I have my own life and my own family to take care of” really made me feel so much better about myself! I am single but I have elderly parents and grown sons and they too need care.
    Not bumping into him once in awhile will be impossible as he works near my house a couple of days a week. But when I went outside after my text I found his car was parked as far away from my house as possible. I laughed out loud!
    In general however I feel terribly sad and used up. The days are long and I am soooooooo sad. Each time I think of him I must remind myself : HE IS GONE. IT IS OVER. This was a long term affair with many on then off moments but I was never in all the years able to call him anything else rather than the “love of my life”. Now I have to re-word that. I will now call him the “love mistake” of my life.
    Ladies if you are at the beginning of your affair and think you “will not get that involved” or “attached” think of my story! I NEVER in a million years would have picked this man out of any line up of men I would normally choose. And I NEVER thought I could fall in love with him! I thought it was just “fun for awhile” at the beginning. Boy, was I ever wrong about that one!

      • Lara

        Popo even worse, not only is my married man not at all my usual type, he is actually the closest thing to a combo of my mother and father’s combined personality types that I have ever experienced. Now if you knew my childhood you would know this is NOT a good thing…(sigh)…I know I represented something to him too and it was also something he was afraid of. This is why I think these damn affairs are so hard to get up and leave! Normally I do not look back after break ups! So weird how I behaved in this affair…almost like someone I don’t know!

  • Chloe

    I have just ended my affair yesterday after we had been together for one n a half years. I had tried to end this toxic relationship many times in the past until my friends also give up.😅
    It was until 2 days ago when my close friend reminded me that my affair will affect my children.( I am divorced 3 years ago). If even they bring a girlfriend back to have sex, I will have no right to scold them. This really woke me up ! I love my children and I want to be a good mother.
    Things are difficult now. Every part of my house just remind me of him. Reading this post helps because I know I am not alone. 😭 . I keep wanting to call and ask how he is doing.. I know I shouldn’t . What do the rest of you ladies do to resist the temptation to call him??? 😓 ps share.

    • Popo

      Well done Chloe! Best thing you have done for yourself. Here is what has worked for me.

      Stop Feeding the addiction – No listening to songs reminding you of him. No stalking Facebook, don’t do things you used to do together. None of it.

      Be present and acknowledge your feelings. Acknowledge you miss him. Cry if you need to. Be present NOW. Remember that our minds always identify with the past. Your mind identifies with him since its been a year and half. Start building your future now .

      Remember its just your ego hurting. Remembering that it is just your ego hurting makes it better.

    • Rhea

      Chloe,

      My ex-married man dumped me so my ego took a beating. I had to stand up for myself I felt. I have to show this fool what kind of woman I am. I needed to show him my worth and the only way to do that was to leave him alone and not contact.
      I am tempted all the time. the pain is ever-present. I cry maybe once a day but there is a heaviness in my heart and in my soul. There is a hole in my chest I feel. I carry on, I work, I attend social events, I read, I watch tv. But all the while, the void that he is left is present. I wonder when the pain will leave me. I am being patient with myself.
      What helps me to resist is my strong desire to take care of me. This is not about him. This is about my survival. And as women, while we engaged in these affairs and our hands are not clean, our natural inclinations, allowed us to love the men purely. The men on the other hand, are quite different and were able to use us and then detach. For that, I am angry. I do not give my affections away so easily and what I gave him was special and I feel robbed. It was a theft of sorts. One that was committed by trickery. So I remind myself that the most important thing is the well-being of my psyche. It is my dignity that stops me from contacting. Plus, I have envisioned what would happen if I contact. He will never ever confess his love for me. During our relationship, I had to pull it out of him. If I call and he doesn’t answer, he’ll see my number. If he does answer, he’ll be cold or talk briefly and tell me that he has another call to take. I am better than that. I hate that I gave him a year of my time and energy. I want his soul to bleed. I want him to feel my absence in the recesses of his mind. The only way for that to happen is for me to fall off the face of the earth. I want him to picture me making love to other people. He does not deserve to know my whereabouts. He dumped me and so he must not live with that decision.
      Anger and dignity keeps me on the right path.
      Find your reasons for not contacting. He is doing just fine. Do not feed his ego.

  • Tiffany

    This article was very helpful. I’ve been dating a married man for nine month and this relationship has gotten out of control. I met his wife and then I ended up going to the house. We worked together and that has made the relationship even more stressful. I’m stressed, and exhausted from dealing with this relationship and I’m trying to get out of it but its become very hard. He always seems to find some way to get back in. I talked to God a lot about this. I’m trying to move on my life!

    • Patricia

      Tiffany, you have to continue to pray about it because GOD always sees us through difficult times and hes always. However, faith without work is dead! I know this is easier said than done. Im living it but you have to at least try to be strong enough to walk away. Think about what you want in life, family,work and relationships…write it down (sometimes that help me see it better). Once you have really thought about this (not just today or tomorrow but really think about it) decide how he fits and if he fits into your life. Pray for strenght, courage and wisdom…it may take you another day, week, or month to decide what you want but at least take the time to figure it out. It is a learning lesson…something that was meant to happen in order for you to grow or maybe for you to learn something about yourself. Therapy may help as well! I am sure we are all here for your support when you need it.

      • Tiffany

        Thanks Patricia, the last 72 hours have been very rough for me. I’ve lost myself and I’m trying to regain control of my life again! This man has taken me through hell and back. I almost lost my job behind this man because we work together, I thought I was pregnant at one point and now the latest story this man told me he’s sick and that his Liver is bad and he’s having problems with his heart. He told me this on Monday night. I haven’t slept in weeks because of stress and worrying about our relationship. I walk around looking as though I’m perplexed. I have a great life or least until I met him. I’m not sure how I got myself in this relationship. I had lost my father almost a year and before he and I met so I’m not sure if I was still hurting or grieving. On Monday night when my friend called to tell me he was sick I was already upset because of something he had done a few days before so when he told me he was sick I wasn’t sure if it was a ploy to get me back but I was extremely upset and didn’t get any sleep that night and then the next morning he text me to say that he shouldn’t have called me and that he was fine and not to worry. I had decided after speaking with him one last time that I was done (for-real) this time. I’m tired mentally and physically and I can’t continue to feel this way anymore. I’m trying to find another job and move on. It is very hard and I have my weak moments throughout the day but I’m determined to get away from him. I’ve blocked him again from my phone and I’m not going to answer my work line when he calls. I continue to pray fro guidance and strength. I never thought separating myself from a married man would be this hard.

  • Amy

    I met this guy online after my divorce. He seemed like a great guy but instead of jumping right into a relationship right after my divorce, I said lets just have some fun for now and see how things go. Things were great, but i sensed some red flags but whatever, it was casual. I started liking him more so i did some digging online and found out hes married. I asked him about it and he denied it…

    So i thought ok maybe I will just have some fun but somehow its killing me. What to do? On one hand i want to keep him around but on the other hand…whats the point, i will get hurt in the long run….

    • Patricia

      Hi Amy…i have read a lot of the comments here and it seems like we have to go with no contact with these men to help restore some peace in our lives. I havent tried it yet but i believe it would hurt but be helpful in the long haul. I think if you have more self control you can have a conversation with your lover to express how you are feeling and end it that way. The only thing about that is you have to be strong enough to follow through if you are really fed up and tired of it. Im in the beginning stages of this myself and i feel i could talk to him so that he knows how i feel and leave him alone but the problem is I enjoy the time spent and the conversations we have that are not about us but just about life in general. It makes me feel like he is my friend. I am probably delusional to think he views me as a friend. I am likely just and outlet and when i am done he will move on to the next outlet and not lose any sleep behind it. I pray for all of us trying to break the cycle. It seems we become addicted to whatever they have to offer us therefore, its challenging to break things off. Its not impossible but it takes time and consistency. This group is supportive and helpful!

  • Amy

    I met this married man online after my divorce. He seemed like a great guy but instead of jumping right into a relationship right after my divorce, I said lets just have some fun for now and see how things go. Things were great, but i sensed some red flags but whatever, it was casual. I started liking him more so i did some digging online and found out hes married. I asked him about it and he denied it…

    So i thought ok maybe I will just have some fun but somehow its killing me. What to do? On one hand i want to keep him around but on the other hand…whats the point, i will get hurt in the long run….

    • Lara

      Amy you ask, “What to do?” My free advice is this: RUN don’t walk away from this situation. Get out ASAP! and don’t look back! (Read my sad story and those of so many others below). I wish you strength!

  • Popo

    Ladies… Haven’t updated in 2 days which only means I’m getting better. I really am. I relapsed No Contact on at day 10 and was taught a very painful lesson. Yup. I was. His rudeness quickly escalated to unthinkable levels. We then exchanged a few civil messages today where we basically agreed that the relationship is over. He says we should be friends no talking about love. Rolls eyes!… That is not happening. I’m not made like that. I’m an All or Nothing person that’s why an affair would have never worked for me.

    This affair has taught me so much about myself in such a short space of time. Whatever is not God sent can be God used. It’s funny I’m not a religious person but daymme this one has brought me to my knees.

    I’m in a funny space. I’m not as angry. You know… For the first time I really do understand. Honestly. I had time to soberly think about it; ending our relationship is the right answer. I know and accept that fully. Its whats right but never quite had the courage. I however realize I started nitpicking being more sensitive, more obsessive, angrier. My anger always came down to the fact that I wasn’t the one tnothing in his beautiful kids. Actually, There was nothing; Absolutely nothing he was going to do to change that one thing that was making me mad… It was always a bottomless pit from my side.

    • Shay

      Popo, I whole heartedly relate to what you’re​ saying. From the situation with the kids, to not being religious and finding myself talking to God!!!! It has indeed brought me to my knees.
      I hope you have gathered ever more strength now as the days go on. I have been told numerous times by him that he just needs time and he is working it out and love will prevail … however when he is with his family and I don’t hear from him at all I know is in my heart that he is devoted to them and is working on being a better husband. It has taken me many months but I know now that his love for me was about what I recognised in him that he needed to feel loved for. I am taking a stance today and blocking his number and email. It almost doesn’t feel right but that is my heart being weak because it has taken a beating. I have written final message and am doing it today. I am just becoming more and more pathetic. I, like you, want him to feel that I am moving on. There is no greater imbalance between two people than in this kind of relationship or whatever it is called. There needs to be a healthy amount of give and take.
      I also feel that he robbed me and did it with trickery. Time to go. This forum has been a great support.

  • Angelina

    Day 6: finaly broke the NC and sent him sum msgs.. the msgs were not hateful like always but i just wrote in a mature manner how i feel now, i hav let go & i learned to detach and be heartless from him.. he just replied saying i still love u but now m with family so things r limited which u dnt like or accept.. wel that was it.. yesterday I cried n prayed to god to relieve me of the pain.. trust me, it helped! I woke up feelin much better today. All this while during NC i was on road to self rediscovery & trying to understand wat is that i miss abt this man or y did i indulge in an extramarital. Today i got the answer. It was the newness! A new experience, curiosity to b with sumone new who gives u attention & complements, maybe i felt beautiful & flattered .. but i dont need a man to make me feel thatway.. i should be confident abt myself.. n yes, sex was awesum! Sumthin that i never experienced with my husband.. i started liking it only with him.. but that’s disgusting on my part! Its adultery and its a crime & a sin! My husband works so hard day & night to giv us both a comfortable life, to save enough money for our new house, for our future, n i was doing this behind his back! The time that my husband wud be outdoors, i was cheating on him with this man! My husband is the one man who loved & loves me truly & unconditionaly! He wud come to pik me at the airport even if my flight lands at 3 am, whereas this disgusting man wud not bother to ask also if i landed safely, or for that matter drop me at the airport even during daylight! So many days NC n the married man is happy in his life, he didn’t call me even once in 6 days n he says he loves me?? Really?? Still i did this to such a nice man like my husband..

  • Clair

    So aggravated right now. We will talk and text and he will just leave the conversation for the day I might add and then won’t talk to him for a few days. I’m always the one initiating the conversation and while we talk it’s nice but just won’t respond anymore. I think I need to start treating him like he treats me and see if he likes it but that’s hard cause I’m not a mean person. It’s like I’m looking for that clarification I need for the day and I’ll be ok but of course he doesn’t give me that half the time. He stopped talking to me yesterday and I know I won’t talk to him this weekend. It just really hurts my feelings.

    • Popo

      Clair…
      The texting no texting and distance from him is not healthy at all. Get out of it. You will see how much time you have wasted waiting in him. It’s funny how we women are. We would rather go through the pain of being ignored than the pain of letting go. I cannot understand it even for myself. Why??
      Been listening to this song, Heavy by Linkin Park. Love the lyrics;

      “….I don’t like my mind right now
      Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
      Wish that I could slow things down
      I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
      And I drive myself crazy
      Thinking everything’s about me
      Yeah, I drive myself crazy
      ‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity…”

      • Lara

        Popo, I think that’s a brilliant question! (You said, “We would rather go through the pain of being ignored than the pain of letting go. I cannot understand it even for myself.”) Yes WHY??? And I love the lyrics! I have blocked my ex married man on my phone the past two weeks and have been feeling better! But for some reason last night, I was feeling so guilty about doing that that I UNBLOCKED my phone knowing he might want to call or text today. DUH! (I am sure he is upset with me for doing this) Then when I awoke I became paralyzed in bed because I could not bear to stand up to get up out of bed to see if the call/text was there or the call/text was not there. Because either way I knew I was not going to be okay. I am not emotioanally prepared to actually deal with a call/text from him. I really am not! If I speak to him now he will only blame me for being “too sensitive” and “too emotional/over reactive.” I will sink into a worse state of loss/depression than I have already been fighting. I know these dynamics all too well. So I lay in bed filling like the biggest fool ever, I swear. Then I pulled myself out of the bed and pressed the BLOCK button again. Instead I saw a warm message from good friend there in my phone. I smiled! The married man in my life was never a warm and dependable friend that’s for sure. But I sure believed he was!

      • Lara

        Popo,
        Correction. Actually after prayer and meditation and a tarot card reading on myself (which have ALL been SO helpful to me lately), I took another step. I unblocked and sent a final goodbye text myself. I decided that rather to block with no words before hand felt like I was running away too much. Which could make me vulnerable in the future to him. Instead I wrote a very short text saying I did not think we should have any contact anymore. That I was now busy with my own life and family. Then I re-blocked. Now I feel like I am stronger not weaker. And I feel good not cowardly. I took the ball into my own hands and spoke my piece. I can not wait sit around and wait for his response however. It could come today or it could come in a week or then again maybe never! And in the meantime I would be paralyzed in depression and anxiety and not take care of my OWN life! This has been a long-term unhealthy situation so I know all of or break-up make up scenarios all too well! Number one lesson I have learned is this: I have to take care of ME because this is my #1 responsibility to myself. (I am single). Power to all of us trying to break free!!

  • Trish

    I am completely heartbroken and devastated, what hurts also is I can’t share this with anyone on my life because it’s wrong dating a married man, no one would dare give me any comfort, for this is what I deserve; which brings me here. I met my married man at work 6 months ago, long story short we met, fell “in love”, had AAAMMMAAAAZZZIIIINNNGGGGGG sex, I even stopped dating and was faithful to him (ironic and dumb, I know) We would talk every morning, ALL day at work, and evenings. I even thought “I wonder what his wife thinks of him being constantly on the phone” He was SO attentive to me! . Fast forward to this past Monday; his wife went through his phone and found some of our saved snap messages. Which weren’t much, but he said he got away with it and made me as if I didn’t exist, was only an “online” thing/ catfish. His explanation was vague. So he kept telling me he didn’t know what to do, he knew he had to end what we had going but didn’t want to lose me, so I made it simple for him and cut him off completely. On Wednesday, He emailed me 2x , called me twice at work, i picked up then hung up on him, and he text me 2x later that night and I ignored those 2, and he called numerous times in my cell, I ignored. Now today, i am MISERABLE and missing and needing him like crazy. I’m in a bad time in my life and he was my world and only happiness even though it was for all the wrong reasons, and I feel insanely unhappy without him. I feel sad and jealous that he’s with his wife all happy, going on as if i never existed and i HATE that he gave up on me even though i blatantly ignored him and essentially the ball is in my court. Any advice or a pep talk is much appreciated

    • Lara

      Trish read carefully through the comments so many of us women have left here and learn about the patterns most of us fall into with these situations. There are NO BETTER times with this man coming your way. The best part is over. Misery is what comes and replaces joy, unfortunately. The sooner you can cut the better. If you wish you can give him an ultimatum but LEAVE while he thinks it over. Give yourself time to heal away from him is my only free advice to you based on my sad and lonely and infuriating years of experience with a married man. Try to cut your losses and RUN in the opposite direction!

    • R. Ballinger

      This email is for Trish. I applaud your moves to ending your affair. I HAVE BEEN STUCK IN AN AFFAIR FOR 17 YEARS!. Dont let anyone take away the best years of your life! You will find happiness again, I am sure.

  • Patricia Jones

    I met the married man I am seeing at my childs sport event. We talked a lot at the practices and finally exchanged numbers. The first date we went on was in Jan. during that date I asked him if he was married and his reply was yes. I said why are you here, he said he was there because financiay it make sense. He is not interested in losing out on all the money he has invested into the marriage. Of course, I told him I dont think I can get comfortable with talking to you and youre married. So my gut said do NOT entertain anything else from this unavailable man but my loneliness said, just dont have sex with him and you are good. So we continued talking and dating (going out to public reataurants) until the first week of March. He came over to make me breakfast and that was the day i slept with him and it was amazing. Primarily because we did so much talking on the phone every day all day. Sneaking to see each other in between dates. We live literally 5-7 minutes apart. One day he even told me to meet him near his home as he was walking his dog in his neighborhood to give him a document he needed. I have picked his child up from his home as him and my child are cool. I felt really horrible about that but it did not stop me from continuing to talk to him. We have had sex about 5 times. One time it took us 3 weeks to have sex and he was so desperate for it that he got us a room. Of course he claims his wife doesnt sleep with him but that is probably is a lie. This past weekend we went out to eat but couldnt find anywhere so we found a chinese restaurant did carry out and came back to the house…my house that is. Of course we had sex and he left about 2am. That Sunday i text him to call when he got a chance. He did an hour later and said he was grilling. I felt jealous because I knew he was there at the house on Easter Sunday with his family (where he shouldve been) I did not hear from him anymore that day. Monday he called me in the evening and talked for a while and he said im going call you back and I said really…you tell me that and dont always call back and he said well i do call back at least 85% of the time (in my head, i said are you really settling for this…what is wrong with you) i said well i am just telling you that you do that more often now. Of course he was sure to call me back that night around 9 and i asked if he was out walking his dog. He said NOPE, i am just sitting outside so i could call my baby back (in my head, I said i love how attentive he is…right now) I said to him, oh thats sweet. Anyway let me speed up to last night. I hadnt really heard from and I was feeling down a little. I knew it was going to be a busy day for me as he gave me the heads up earlier in the week so i wasnt going to bother him. He eventually contacted me via text and then a quick phone call but he had to get back to work. He told me he may not get a chance to talk to me later but he would try to get in touch with me when he could. Well at about 10pm i said they are really working you huh…he replied yes I am STILL here. Long story short, he got home around 3am we text a few times but I was feeling very insecure and thinking he was not at work that late but with another woman…I thought this because I have been reading articles and forums about the disasters of dealing with a MM. Many woman have said if he lie/cheat on his wife he will do the same to you. He has become my highlight of the day, my adult fun, my escape from reality and I am sure there are people who will read this and think you are such an idiot. He will never ever be mine and morally it is wrong with you…I still cant believe I have gotten myself in this type of situation. Ive always been the loyal girlfriend that was cheated on by every guy I was with and now im the other woman…i am still in the beginning stages and Im sure it is probably best to leave now. I am not sure why i havent found the strength to get out…

    • Lara

      Patricia I understand you 1000 per cent! I have been there…done that…All of it! I remember the beginning of my affair as one of the “best” moments romantically in my life. I was newly separated from my husband (about 6 months into my separation) and I had been dating single men and it had been hard going. Then I met the married man by accident on my sidewalk. (Or I should say he schemed to meet me). I thought he was crazy when he said he suggested we have an affair. But for some reason I dove in. Everyone around me said “NO” do not go there! No! And I had never been with a married man and it worried my sisters and friends alike. But I ignored everyone! The beginning of my affair was like a dream a fantasy and I fell so hard for this married man who worked very very close to my house. All my pain seemed to melt away with him. We had so much sex and so many moments together and I seriously got very bonded with this man. (And hooked to him!) I have never fallen in love so hard with anyone I swear. I just went with my “feelings” for him. I reasoned in my brain that “of course he will leave his wife for me” as we were so “happy” and “truly in love”. Little did I know he had other plans. While he said “he loved me yes”, he also never ever said “he would or could leave his wife”. I could not understand this whatsoever. I confronted him on this and he got very angry and defensive saying. “I never said I would leave her.” He said, I just I was “unhappy”! Grrrr….I thought that was the same thing! Duhhhhh…..I wondered: How could he love me and not leave her? I just could not compute this reality whatsoever. My brain could not compute. After a few months things started deteriorating in a bad way. He said, I became “clingier” and “needier” as he began pulling back from me. He said I should just stay “more cool” with the situation….I tried so hard to “be cool” but honestly I just wanted him to want me and to choose me! I started drinking heavily just to try and “be cool” with all my boiling emotions…..Fast forward…….This married man is STILL with his wife after many many years. I got so hurt it is hard to describe the pain I suffered and it took me many many break ups over many years to get totally away from him. (I have had some times of being away from him for as much as a few years then going back ). I kept thinking, “if I just improve myself” he “will love me and leave her.” I could not accept that he was betraying and lying to BOTH of us not just her. He was lying to me about things at home. Anyhow, MY married man will never leave his wife and he will always cheat: simple as that. If not with me then with someone else. This is built into his psyche and his behavior and I am much better off without him because I could NEVER trust him. But I have wasted years of my life trying to convince him what a good partner I could be and how loving I could be. In the end I have been exploring how all my behavior is actually related to personal relationship trauma much earlier in my life: with my parents and my family of origin. It is not about the married man after all; it is about ME and my choices and my lack of self care! So here is the hope for me at least: I have been working on healing from this trauma to make better choices for myself now. I learned that actually an affair can be a sign that growth and change are needed for people. It can be an “opportunity” for us to get to know ourselves better. But it all depends what we choose to do as individuals. And damn what a PAINFUL lesson! Be prepared for real pain as you break free. You might need a counselor to help you too. And your close friends. And maybe ever anti-depressants but there is no shame in needing all the help you can get! Trust me: It is no joke getting out of an affair! It is a really really hard thing to do because of the pain involved and the lost dreams and hopes.
      But if the married man is not going to leave his wife it is a truly hopeless situation and it is emotional quicksand…the more you are in it, the harder it is to get out of it

      • Angelina

        Omg lara! I feel really sad to read ur story.. but u know wat? If u hav read other comments in this forum, u wud b familiar with the fact that NONE OF THE MARRIED MEN LEAVE THEIR WIVES. Thats the fact, irrespective of how unhappy they r, however boring she is, or how much ever he claims to love u. I read an article by a known counsellor where she mentioned that only 1 percent of men involved in an extra marital actually leave their wives for the girlfriend.. unfortunately, its the women suffering coz of those 99% who come to this forum & write. Its so simple for these disgusting married men to cheat on their wives & in the process break hearts of the girlfriends & then return to their usual life. Its very simple, if hes cheating on her & he WILL cheat on u. If hes bored of her, he will soon be bored of u and seek better stuff. Men who r genuinely UNHAPPY in their marriages do not do extramaritals, they come out of the wedlock for a better life. Only those who want adventure stay in marriage n seek pleasure outside as well. But i do agree, it takes immense amount of time, pain, tears, anti-depressants & even therapies to get over the breakup! My wounds r still fresh & i need a dressing everyday. The man i was with had a strange theory.. he would say that hes not unhappy with his wife, but he loves me! Shes the mother of his son so he respects her, cares for her & has responsibility towards her. I asked him numerous times if he loves her, then he used to give a very smart reply which is that he doesn’t hate her, but he loves me! Wtf does that even mean??? Either u love sumone, or u dnt , but wats this pathetic thing which he had been tellin me? He too was clear from day 1 that HE WUD NEVER, n that means NEVER leave her… he still was havin sex with her which left my heart shattered.. y wud he if he loves me? Anyway, m still trying to heal myself n come out of it..one day i feel better, the other day m at my worst.. i experience constant mood swings & the urge to msg him, stalk him on social networks. Hes living his life normally, as if i never existed, nor does he think or care to ask anythn abt me. I know for a fact he wud cheat on his wife agn, he wil never stop.. once a cheat, always a cheat!

      • Popo

        Lara Oh my word! Its like they read the same memo. I was also told I was clingier and needier! Huh.
        Its true that you start digging deep. Your childhood. Affairs are like exorcisms. They force you to look deep inside yourself and cast the demons out. Thinking of you…

  • Mhbb

    My married man came back from vacation today. We have been texting all along in the last a few weeks after my one week nc. He went to his office in the evening after plane landed. We chatted for a while. We haven’t seen each other or chat for a while. The whole conversation was very pleasant. No clingy , no drama. No demanding. Just very peaceful. We confirmed dinner at nyc Monday night . I hope it won’t turn to craziness again.

    Ladies, I suggestion is a little NC always help for clarify the mind and make urself a little detached and independent. Men respect that. I feel people r like planets have own indiuadual traveling orbits. Sometime two planets meet and travel togather for a while until they part away. Some planet have more magnetic attractions another . Might influence the other planets traveling direction a little bit. Still each have their own identities.

    People in love tend to forget their own identify. They devote themselves to another people completely unconditional. Unfortunately, MM can’t give a woman everything she needs emotionally . Then we shouldn’t give them everything we have. So that we will more balanced psychologically .

    I did only 7 days nc. But I think it’s great for both of us. It much better relationship now. I’ll keep updated with Monday dinner experience.

    • Popo

      Mhbb what a lovely planets analogy. So true. However, it is not a much better relationship. What you are describing is the fix you just got and you are feeling happy about the relationship. It will not last long. Before you know it all the things that made you mad will be back. He will go on holiday again…….
      You are going to see him on Monday be on a high…. Will last a few days. You will want to see him again. The cycle will start..
      There really is only one solution…..

  • Clair

    So I’ve been talking to him again because we were on day 6 of no contact and he decides to ask me how I’m doing! Well how do you think I’m doing??? Anyways, been talking for a week and actually saw him Monday. He wants me to be part of his life but has so much on his plate he says that we shouldn’t talk everyday that way he won’t be so overwhelmed. I’m hanging on to every word he says just to get that clarification I need to go on about my day. I was fine until he started contacting me again! Now I’m waiting on his text everyday. I’m just so consumed by him and I’m so tired of being ok with us not being together and then back at it again. Its exhausting.

    • Carla

      My affair with married man is nearly a year but slightly different he works in my town away from his wife and goes home to her to see his son he says every six weeks or so for weekend then comes back and lives with me he’s told her he lodges here he says he wants to leave her and he wants the marriage to dissolve in its own way but I’ve found messages on his phone telling her he loves her and misses her why say that if u are trying to distance urself from wife she suspects he’s seeing me but he says he’s neither denied or confirmed it but they havnt discussed it I checked her fb and she’s put photos of them both from this weekend all lovely fovey after he says they don’t talk or intimate at all I keep trying to walk away from him but he always wears me down he it’s like I’m the wife and she’s the baby mother cud he lives here with me I don’t know wat to do he says he loves me please help any advise

      • Lara

        Hi Carla, If you see messages from him saying he loves her, and if you see lovey photos on FB the red flags are all there that your man is a good liar! (Both to you and his wife) MM’s are so good at lying. In fact mine is so good at it I believed the lies again and again. I too saw images of him and his wife all lovey dovey and the Valentine’s Day pic actually made me puke! And I saw an “i love you” message accidentally a year ago, when I was still in denial about his lies. Those two things made me finally start understanding that the married man I was with was a pathological and chronic liar. And very good at lying! Try to break through your own denial gently and realize that you are not alone. So many of us here have been lied to and have believed the lies. But sooner or later we can wise up and get stronger and make decisions to LEAVE the relationship for our won good. Remember if he lies to “her” he can and will lie to you!

      • Popo

        Carla he loves her otherwise he wouldn’t tell her. Infact he would have divorced by now. You telling yourself she’s like baby mama is justification for you to stay in this. I can guarantee you right now they are making plans on how the family will come together long term. When that happens -either wife comes or he goes back to his city. It is going to kill you!

    • Popo

      Clair, you have fallen right back into the dark pit. Its tough. Great thing is you saw the light during your NC. What does that mean do not talk everyday. All it does is allow him to come in and out when he pleases. This way, he perfectly manages down your expectations. No. Don’t agree to that. It will just hurt you.

  • Angelina

    Day 4: I got up feeling much better this morning. Am smiling, listening to happy numbers, not crying and feeling positive. I havent cried even once since morning & thats a good sign (or not?). Everyday is different & today might be a better one, but it wont be like this everyday for sure. I will agn breakdown, cry, miss him, crave for him, feel angry & frustrated.. its a vicious circle! I am hoping that I have just accepted that its time to move on & not grieving his loss anymore. He messaged me last evening. I didnt expect him to, but he did. It was very general & to the point. We had an abrupt ending to the conversation. Sumhow by messaging yesterday, he gave me a hope that today morning he will agn msg, like he used to normaly.. atleast a good morning. or he will message to ask if we can talk & then call? he wil make efforts.. But he didnt, its ok, am not unhappy about it. Good only, makes it easier for me to understand that he has moved on & helps me to move on as well. he was hoping i will probably tell him am really unwell & depressed, like i was last week wen he did all that to me. but i didnt & m not. even if i were, i would not tell him. he didnt tel me if he misses me or still wants me back (while m still looking at my phone constantly & hoping he will, but he has a big fat male ego) or probably, i was right, m not needed anymore.. anyway, i dnt wana go back to past & waste my sanity agn analyzing what, why & how.. i just know that i need to keep goin & not look back. I keep telling myself that the door is now closed & he or anyone for that matter cant enter to play with me. I wont allow him to hold one string of mine in his hand & pull it wenever he feels like. I have other things to concentrate on & m trying to keep myself busy. If he wanted me, he would have not waited for 2.5 days to msg, & wen he did, he could have said that he misses me. he knows that i cant be mad at him for long, even if i try to fake it initially. And today agn hes gone! So yes.. i dont need him in my life! infact, i look at this way, he never was mine. i never lost anything that was mine.. he was just an illusion which vanished away with time.

    Yesterday, at the Gym, i learned something which tells me about life.. My trainer asked me to do walking lunges across the breadth of the room. He told me to do 5 rounds holding 5 kg weight in my hand. Wen i started walking, I could hardly balance myself. I kept stumbling.It seemed to be taxing & annoying. Round 2 was also difficult & I kept tripping. In round 3, i found it slightly easier & I only stumbled twice or thrice maybe. But at the end of it, that is Round 5, I could walk perfectly, without stumbling even once! This activity motivated me to move on! I realized that I have the will & strength to get up and walk without stumbling even after falling & failing so many times. And I will imply this in my No Contact exercise as well. M sure like the walking lunges, it will only make me stronger! 🙂 I hope & pray that i stand stronger each day than the previous one..

    • Popo

      Beautiful analogy on the lunges Angelina. So true. We do get stronger after every attempt. Its like a young eagle learning how to fly. Fall often then finally you are gone. Well done!! Hear is the thing though….even if he starts sending you morning messages Angelina, you still have got to let this man go. I look at these challenges as a blessing. Us suddenly realising that we are being given crumbs is like an exorcism. We are forced to cast the demons out and suddenly see that hang on…. This whole train was headed for a disaster….

  • Dani

    My story is a little different. We are in our 60’s. Met him when I was 16. We dated off and on for 4 years. At 17, I had a miscarriage. He always was a player. Which fascinated me. At 20 met my future husband, 3 yrs later we married. Never forgot my lover, kept him tucked nicely away in my heart. Hubby passed away after 31 yrs of marriage. 7 years later, lover’s dad passed away. I sent my condolences. He wrote back, inviting me to visit. I didn’t reply. Yr later heard from him again. Wanting me to stay in contact. I wrote once, not again. Yr later heard from him again. This time I responded. Yr later moved to his area of the country. 2 1/2 years later, we ‘re still going at it. He’s married 38 yrs, never says anything bad about wife. Said from the very beginning he wants cake and eat it too. That they no longer have a sex life. Which i have trouble believing, but don’t want to know otherwise. I thought I would have more control over my feelings. That I would be able to walk away. But no. I love him more every day. Have tried several times to break away. No luck. This time lasted for 4 days. I know better than this. At first, justified it by saying I loved him first and if it wasn’t for him being a player, he would be my husband. Thankfully, he wasn’t.

  • immie

    I have the a sad and sorry tale to tell, which is causing me immeasurable agony. 21 years ago I started a new job and was introduced to a married man who was to become an important part of my life. I felt the thud of OMG – if there is such a thing of love at first sight this was it! Bizarre – I was in a happy relationship at the time so it was something i was aware of, but did not pursue. Anyway – life moves on and this person eventually came to work with me. We struck up a friendship as is normal in working environments and over two or three years this grew closer. At one point we got, arguable too close, and we stopped it, but it started again 15 years ago. For 2 years we had what cab only be described as a semi physical affair – foreplay in many places but no sex. (Can I just say that by explaining it in detail like this is quite hard 🙁 ) Then things progressed slowly, as the opportunity presented, and boy was the sex good! Our working relationship was strong, good and healthy, and the physical side was a bonus. This went on for 14 years with only one period of 8 weeks of so where change of heart was made. The physical side was AMAZING – over time it got better and better.

    So, onto today – 12 months ago, the wife decided that we were too close and she didn’t like it. Since then the working environemtn has been strange. He changes from speaking to me normally to talking to me with contempt. It’s hateful and is destroying a job (and career) that I loved. I don’t know what to do! I still love my job and need to find a resolution!

    • Mhbb

      Wow, that’s very long time affair. R u single? How can he hundle between u and family for so long ? I had a major argument with my married man 3 weeks ago. I did nc for one week. Then we haven’t seen each other. But we texted back and forth quite a bit after nc . We supposed to dinner togather at nyc next week for one month break up . I asked him tonight : how’s the life without me? He answer: see that’s the thing . You think we aren’t togather . My life is with u .
      I feel some space create some independence, mysterious , less clingy , less heaviness, less jealousy .
      I think your married man is confused . Trying to push u away a little bit .

      • immie

        Thanks for the reply Mhbb. I am single, yes, and trying to rebuild my life without him in it. In a funny sort of way, I suppose I’m fortunate I am single. To try to cope with the heartbreak if I’d been in a relationship at the same time would have been impossible I think. I miss him so much, even though I know it was wrong, but it’s the friendship I miss more than anything. 🙁

        I think men can compartmentalise their lives so much easier than women?

  • Popo

    I just spend the last 24 hours dying to come here to write… possibily the worst 24 hours of my life. Today is Day 10 NC. I know many reading this are rooting for me. It’s in these stories we recognize our won lives. How similar we are. How similar intertwined and real the pain we have shared is. Maybe I will help someone 4, 5, 10 years from today….

    Only that it’s not my Day 10 NC. Last night broke my own No Contact.

    What I experienced after that is the worst kind of cruelty. I was punished for it. Coldness like I have never known. I knew it would happen but not like that. He has never been that rude to me. Breaking NC after ignoring mm is a recipe for literally lying on the highway and asking the car to drive over you. Disaster. It’s a no no. I know for sure now. There is no good reason to go back to the same addictive cycle of pain-relief….pain-relief…

    What happened. So last night I was at a funeral and was feeling sad (an excuse) and thought… hmmm maybe he is genuinely worried about me (another excuse), I can’t just ghost the guy (an excuse), let me tell him so he can leave me alone (another excuse), he is so influential at work what if he messes things up for me (an excuse).. Anyway it happened so fast…I responded to his messages. My response… ‘Hi I’m ok… Just trying to let go…..’

    His responses.
    You are disgusting and so self obsessed why did you not let me know you were ok. I was worried
    You are so so cruel you used me in our relationship
    I don’t know who you are anymore anymore, you are a stranger
    We no longer have a relationship wouldn’t care if I never see you in my life
    Delete my number
    Fu*k off
    You acted out of character I don’t respond to messages because you know that’s who I am. Not responding is what makes me, me.
    I don’t know who you are, you are a different person. A stranger
    I fall in love with a soul, your soul is disgusting
    I had fallen in love with you because you were sensible
    Don’t patronize me
    You are playing silly games
    I am going to block you from whatsapp
    I honestly might have never known you
    You would do anything to suit self including tell someone’s secrets to despise them
    You exploited my personality….

    His anger completely caught me off guard. Completely. Wow. I went from saying but this but that.. to sorry sorry, I’m really I apologize. I just wanted to get away. I am physically so exhausted from being dragged in this mud and from the back and forth the last 24 hours. It’s true what they say… You play with a pig, it pulls you in the mud. You get dirty, the pig likes it. There is NO POSSIBLE reason to break No Contact! None. My last message was… I will not send you any message after this, that’s for everything you have done for me
    ……. He has done nothing for me. I was so sick of it all I just wanted to get away. It sucks…SUCKS that I have to reset. Although this time I am a little stronger. You need an incredible amount of presence, constant self awareness to avoid the traps.

    My husband told me this morning that I was laughing in my sleep. It could almost be funny if my heart wasn’t so bruised. He said I seem happier. This time I am really ready. Help only comes when you are truly ready to receive it…..

    • hardtime

      I am so sorry this happened to you but also thank you for telling this story, it has helped me today. I am day 9 no contact and have been wanting to contact him for the last few days but keep making excuses of why I cant. Hearing your story has helped because the way we left things were not great but still not hurtful, I just asked him not to contact me for a month(we had been friends for 10 years together for 6 ahh that is too long)and I did not want to give the friendship up but I am thinking I did that 6 years ago. He blocked me on facebook after i sent the message. So I can go through text but being strong. I hope you feel better.

    • Mhbb

      Hate is not an opposite of love. Indifference is . He is very angry because u ghosted him for 10 days . Any emotions r good. Means he still loves u and hurts because of your lack of response . It’s easy fix if you want to get back with him. Unfortunately, if you want to leave, you have to restart nc again.

    • Rhea

      Popo,
      Don’t beat yourself up. You start over, except this time you’re stronger. Maybe you needed that venom – it will only push you further along in your healing.
      His anger means one thing. He is hurt that you rejected him. He is used to you being under his foot. He doesn’t like you being strong and in control. Screw him. After you loved him, he would be so vile? He’s an insecure man and preyed on your vulnerability. He liked you timid. He’s only angry because he’s lost control and not because he’s lost you. He’s not saying, “baby I’m sorry I’ve put you in this position.”
      You set the clock and start over.

    • Aria

      Pop,
      I think sometimes clearity can help you so much.
      Now I figure out there is a name for this kind of relationship “mental abused relationship”. And that’s why some stories here are exactly the same.
      It’s like expecting a baby to cry isn’t a weird thing cause that’s what they do. So absolutely they gonna act like that.
      It’s the same. When I broke up he told me I’m a lier and cheater

      Can u imagine this from a man who is cheating at the moment?

      So I can feel your pain but don’t punish your self for an abusive person.
      I know is easy to say cause I have more or less powerless days but do try.

    • Lara

      Popo this man is clearly angry but in total denial as well. While he can clearly see YOUR role in his misery, he can not see his OWN role in this situation! He is blaming you like he had nothing to do with the relationship. But he takes zero responsibility for the situation. Don’t pay him any mind! He is surely trying to control you with his anger and guilt now, knowing now that you have the strength to leave so he lashes out. But he is really immature. Don’t fall for the trap! You are too smart for this. I laughed when he said, “I don’t respond to messages because you know that’s who I am. Not responding is what makes me, me.” That is pretty funny! Never were truer words spoken by a Married man. Not answering texts is so classic for them, isn’t it? I blocked all social media and my phone with my ex MM 11 days ago. Before that we had occasional text/phone contact for the past couple of months but it was really draining. We haven’t been together in person and alone since Christmas however. Cutting contact completely is really painful. I long for him and miss him and dont’ know how I am going to live without him at times. But the point I got to is I didnt know how I was going to live with him either! It was like being caught between a rock and hard place. Total misery. All the experts say we must cut contact completely so I am trying that now. My way sure wasn’t working as every text or phone call he made to me made crazy emotional and huge mood swings. I see huge emotional immaturity in my MM too and in myself as well to even think I could “change” him with my “love”, Blech! Live and learn!

    • lillian

      popo that shows he still loves you .mine is like that abit he wouldnt abuse me but he will blow up my phone with calls or apologies for what he doesnt know his done.He will plead till i let him in again truth he could be loving me but i cant be aside woman i want out hope i dont listen to him this time and i move on.
      he lied he was separated i would have never let him in.
      do you want him back or you want to let him go.
      i want to let go of mine thats all i want do not know how i will forget him his on my mind all the time but well tie heals all wounds i think if we got over other exs we will get over these ones.God will see us through.

  • Smc3

    Hi everyone ugh….I need some advice. I am involved with a married man and we have been together for a year and a half. Yes 18 months. It all started when we found each other on a site for married people looking for attention. I was in a marriage with no affectionate of any kind I hadn’t been with my husband in over a year sexually. Even though I knew I should didn’t want to leave because my daughter was almost out of high school and I thought geez I’ve waited this long. So I just decided to seek affection elsewhere. I know not the best thing to do but I felt like hey if both parties are up front then no one gets hurt. He was completely up front and said he’s married with 2 daughters and has zero intentions of leaving his family. Mainly because a few years ago he left his wife and was alone for a year and realized he missed his daughters so much and wanted to be with them everyday. So he went back and tried to make it work with his wife but after 8/10 months things went back to the way it was before their separation. He was also very unhappy but was not going to leave again because he felt giving his daughters a “family unit” was more important than his personal happiness. He’s never spoken bad about his wife he says she’s a great mom and that they get along well enough to coexist and raise the girls. He says it’s like their business partners. I think there are times they are closer and maybe they try to make it more but at the end of the day they just grown apart and he’s not in love with her.
    So we met in late October of 2015 and it’s been like a whirlwind of wonderful. He says all the right things we have so much fun when we’re together and the intimacy is off the charts amazing. He says he feels the same way. He first told me he loved me in Feb of 2016 and in March of 2016 I decided to leave my marriage. Honestly it wasn’t because of him. I mean yes because of what he showed me I left because it helped me realize that I do deserve someone to desire me and want to be with me. So yes, in that respect I left because he helped me see things clearly. But I never left because I thought he’d leave or that I could convince him to leave. But now fast forward to a year after I left and ugh I’m still with him. I’m not sure I imagined this I really thought I’d be single for 6 months or so and get tired of being along and start dating. But I haven’t. I’m still alone and I am available to him whenever he wants. I see him usually twice a week (sometimes more) for a few hours each time. This has been no big deal really because I haven’t really want a “relationship” but in the past few months I have. I want to find someone to be with in a normal setting. Someone I can go to dinner with someone who we can spend the night together. But im so in love with this man. We’ve never argued except maybe once we had a serious discussion I told him he was not treating me right because he was having some business problems and he basically crawled in a hole. So I said hey either get back to who you were or I’m done. I’ve never asked him to leave, I don’t want to be that person who makes him choose me. I want him to choose me because he wants too.
    But I fear he won’t until his youngest daughter is older which at the least is 3 more years. I just don’t know how to end it. I know I’ll be so sad without him and I know I’ll have good days and bad. But I just don’t know how to break it off. I could do no contact but it seems cruel because he’s never lied to me and said he would leave for me. I just want something more and don’t know how to go about letting him go.

  • pcaw

    I was involved with a man who didn’t tell me he was married, until the day his wife found the proof she needs for divorce that he’s been cheating. It’s been 4 months​ of NC from me, but the wife keeps stalking me and sending messages that make it look like they’re from him telling me I need to move on. How in the world am I supposed to do that when they insist on throwing salt in a wound?

    • Jannie

      I too was involved with a married man for 5 months before discovering he was married. Something felt “off” to me so I did a search from his hometown (he’s in the military and stationed in my city) and found a marriage license dated 10 days before we met! Fast forward we have been on and off the whole time. I’m on day 4 of NC without giving an explanation or goodbye. I did that a month ago and then stupidly contacted him two weeks ago and resumed sleeping with him but this time I vow to be done. Part of me wishes his wife knew as no woman deserves this especially since the very beginning of the marriage and has been going on for almost a year! But I will never tell her no matter how badly I want to. She will find out in due time. In fact I think most women already know in their gut but don’t want to acknowledge the truth. These men are insecure boys who need their ego stroked constantly.

  • Angelina

    Day 3: I woke up agn feeling restless & weak. I thought time would heal everything & each day wud b better than the previous one, but its vice-versa in my case! M gettin & feelin worse each day. I cant stop thinking about him & its increasing as each day passes. I keep looking at time & imagine him doing his routine stuff, since I knew his routine. Its really really really difficult.. at times i wonder if he’s feeling even a bit of wat i feel? How can my going away not affect him at all? he used to say all those things to me, that he wont ever let me go, he wil go out of his way to get me back if i leave him, he cant live without me, he wants to age with me, he needs me in all walks of his life etc etc… so how did he chuck me out of his life so quickly, like we never ever existed! I keep looking at my phone & watsapp, hoping he might msg.. but he didnt.. its been 3 days & he didnt.. wish i were strong like him, or shudnt hav got so emotionaly involved, just like him.. he only loves & cares abt his family & i never ever stood anywhere.. true, it was only a momentary thing for him… at the same time, i dont wish to know anything wat was there from his side, how he feels about me now, whether or not hes ok, & what he’s doing, coz it will only cause me more pain.
    My heart is wounded, bruised, battered & it aches all the time. i feel am falling deeper into depression & the more i try to pull myself out, the deeper i fall down.. i crave for him all the time. but i love myself the most & if he doesnt want me in his life, i wont insult myself by going back to him. wen i look at the messages i sent him wen we fought last few times, i feel like a psycho! wen did i stop respecting myself like that? how can i allow sumone to control my life this way? i remember he once told me, there was emptiness in his life so i came in, if i go away, the room will be vacant agn & sumone else will come in. u dont die without anyone & thats true. but u do stop living & thats wat has been happening with me. i can best describe it as ANGER-DEPRESSION-MISSING HIM- LONGING FOR HIM- CRYING-CURSING HIM-REVENGE. i have no idea wat to do in order to forget him & move on in my life.. i pray to god each minute, either send him back to me or take him off me completely, but dont give me this pain. i still havent been able to eat. I thought i will only stand stronger at the end of day, but m becoming weaker & sadder. i dont know how to get over this pathetic BREAK-UP, but i dnt hav a choice. i swore that i wont make the 1st move & i will stick to it. i should only think about how he disrespected me, dumped me wen he was done & wat all he said to me.. I always behave like a psycho n send him crappy msgs n dats wen he msgs me. If i dnt, even he wont.. so this time i should just let him be.
    i dnt knw wats causing me more pain.. the fact that i broke up with him, his words or his apathy towards me? Everytime i hav to tel him how miserable i feel without him & thats wen he finally decides to msg me & then blames it on me that i talk rudely, thats y he didnt msg me all this while.. m waiting for the day wen i wil be over him in such a nice manner that reading all these journals will only make me laugh & i will laugh at my stupidity, just like i laugh about my teenage & college breakups! I dnt knw wen that day will come! I really really really loved him , it amazes me how he never ever felt any pain while battering my heart this way!!

    • Angelina

      Ok so update.. he sent me a message today!!FINALYY on day 3.. it was like general hi how r u? So I replied saying am good how about u.. then he told me he’s not good coz of sum personal issues.. i just replied saying best of luck n that was the end of our conversation.. am still abiding by wat i said.. i wont be the one to contact him, EVER!! I dnt knw if he will msg agn since I didn’t giv him much attention, so it wud hav bruised his big fat male ego! But atleast m happy, not coz he msgd, but i guess coz it satisfies my own ego 🙂 😉 m in much better mood now than morning.. for a change listening to hip hop instead of heartbreak songs! Finally smiling after 3 days 🙂

      • Popo

        Angelina I know the feeling of being happy after the message BUT you can’t always be waiting for a message for 3 days. You are right at the ego. Its a bottomless pit. You are only happy now because you just got the fix. Another day from now you will be livid again.
        Most importantly, Don’t lose sight of the real reason you want to leave him. He is married. You are married and hes not about to make you his second wife. All these other issues are distractions but brought into our lives thankfully to bring us to this moment. Seperate ourselves from the mess we have jumped into.
        Its tough but this is the roller coaster and cycles people go through until before you know its a 16 year affair. Its an addiction. You cannot keep relapsing. All the best….By the way how long were you together?

      • Angelina

        Popo, u r so right! M craving for the next fix! Its difficult coz I never heard back from him agn in 24 hours 🙁 but m struggling n fighting.. btw, we dated for 5 months. He was workin in my city wen i met him & went back to his hometown in march, so 1 month long distance..

    • Lara

      Oh Angelina I feel for you! I have been there too! SO many times I am afraid. But I am finally learning! Angelina, it’s not about love. We were duped. The connections we had with the married men were about “need fulfillment” and “holes” we all have in our lives and trying to fill these holes, but it is not about real “love”. We have emotional holes in us and the married men have holes and we try to fill the holes with the affair. That’s why these married men bolt so quickly IMHO. When we deny them what they are used to getting from us (the ‘quick fix’ we provide) they withdraw. And we feel used up and abandoned. But we got confused by our feelings. The roots of our behavior go way back in our lives to long before the married man was in our lives. A loving therapist is often needed to help us out of these affairs because breaking up stirs pains and anxieties in us we have buried in ourselves from long ago. The affair is just the “symptom”. Stay strong and reach out to get some help and support! Do not try and do this alone! I am sending you giant hugs xx00000

    • Rhea

      Angelina,
      Hang in there. You are expecting too much from yourself. It’s only day 3. On day 13, it may feel like this. On day 30, it may feel like this. But one day, soon, I promise, it won’t be this painful. You have to go through this process. There is no other way around it but to feel the pain. It’s ok to hurt and to cry. For me, its almost 2 months and there is not an hour that I am awake that he is not on my mind. I came to my my office today (had been out for a few days) and checked the missed calls. Not even one strange number. Not one message on my phone in 2 months. The detachment is sooo shocking to my psyche. But these men are pros at this and we allowed them to use us. They don’t deserve any woman to want them like this. I am done with that. I will never let myself be any man’s doormat again. I will give men what they give me and nothing more.
      Distract yourself. Go out. Do things. Hide your phone. Delete him from your phone so that you can’t see his activity on whatsapp. That’s not your problem anymore. Let his wife deal with his cheating self. You take care of you. Do something nice. Go get a mani/pedi. Buy yourself a latte. Do your hair. Watch a movie. Take your phone off for a week.
      Be strong.

  • Jannie

    So glad that I found this site. So many similar stories. I met my Married man last May on a dating site. Dated until October when my gut told me something wasn’t right. Mind you this whole time he presented himself as SINGLE. After I told him I didn’t feel that I was what he wanted in his life right now he agreed and said things felt distant and maybe we should stop while we are still on good terms. We had been talking and texting everyday for months, going out on dates every weekend and visiting each other’s homes. But he was quick to let it go. Again I thought he was SINGLE. I did a search that night and found a marriage license dated 10 days before we met!!! His wife was living out of state due to the fact he’s in the military! Fast forward that I didn’t talk to him for a month after finding out and being devastated. He reached out and I stupidly agreed to meet him. We slept together and then he left to go home for holidays. Fast forward to a week later he comes back with wife and her daughter in tow! I told him I was done and have a nice life. Two months later he texts to say Happy New Year. I again stupidly respond and have been in an affair with him since January. Him always sneaking to my home to see me. A month ago I broke it off saying that I had feelings and knew he didn’t feel the same way. He agreed and said the longer this goes on the harder it will be to end it. But that if I ever want a friendly chat I know where to find him. Missed him like crazy, feeling like going through withdrawal but for three weeks stayed strong. Broke down and text him just to say hope things are going well and it started it all back up again. He came over a few days later we slept together and he says I love you for the first time. I’m so so upset with myself for being weak and contacting him. I know this is wrong and it’s been eating me up. I know I don’t really want to be with him in a relationship as I would never ever trust him. I haven’t text him now in 4 days with no explanation and I want to go strictly NC without a goodbye or anything. Please any advice is appreciated. I’m divorced single mom of two. I work full time, have a growing beauty business, have lost 40 pounds in the last year and by all accounts doing well for myself except for the situation with him. Why can’t I stop thinking about him and just let this go??? It makes no sense to me. I’m so disappointed and sickened with myself for allowing this to go on and off for almost a year. I know better than this and know I deserve better than this.

  • Aria

    Ladies
    I need your help. I’ve done such a horrible thing to my self I checked his instagram.
    And there was a picture of him with her wife wrote the power of Married Man is smile of the lady beside him.
    Gush
    I was blown away by that. What the f…k?you came to my life and make a hell out of it and now just that easy?
    I feel dead I’m so depressed like all my soul is gone and I’m just like have to carry this body full of pain and I feel I can’t do it any more. I’m so broken. So much
    I can’t do it I really can’t carry this pain any more.

    • Jannie

      I am so sorry. We do not deserve this. These married men are totally selfish and I believe they are unhappy with themselves deep down and that is why they do the things that they do. I don’t understand how they can hop back and forth from one woman to the next. I’m on day 4 of NC without telling him it’s over. Haven’t heard from him either so I’m hoping it’s dead now.

  • Popo

    Day 9 NC… Woke up so happy. Didn’t know life could get this better. I have this burden lifted off of me…. Took time to sit with the people who made coffee for me in the canteen at work asking them about their families. Who is this new you, they asked??….

    Was thinking, how can life be so perfect….Everything is beautiful and going so perfectly…. I just feel so happy… Before, I always had this superficial smile but was always so anxious underneath, my life revolved around my mm… Either I’m worried that he’s going to cancel our date, I’m too happy he is blowing hot today, happy I’ve just seen him, Sad he hasnt responded and on and on.. Noone should ever have that much control over you…

    Here I am today with joy like I have not known ……and Then HE CALLED….

    I must confess ladies I honestly did not see this one coming. Completely caught me off guard. My mm has pride like you cannot believe. I have never met a prouder man in my life. He doesn’t even know who his biological father is – he said that he never bothered to look for him coz his thinking was if he didn’t care enough to stay and raise him why must he look for him (hmmm throwing in a bit of useless information ☺️).

    Ok. So now I know for sure. God really does have a weird sense of humor. I have 2 of his books…maybe he wants those…. (As I am thinking this I recognize it for what it is… Just an excuse for me to answer😂😂)… We have to strip ourselves bare and be honest in these emotional situations ladies…. I said before… the First rule of the ego is never to deceive yourself second rule is; you are the easiest person to deceive

    I truly hope I am helping even one person reading this with my journey….. The pain is too much to bear alone…. I provide counseling even for myself by putting these words on paper.

    What did I do…Again- I ignored him. This time I watched the phone ring and almost burst into tears. Why is it so hard. We love them so much that our instinct is to reach out and take care of them. Awwwwww😩😩😩….

    I often forget but have to remind myself. The suffering my heart went through at the hands of this man was brutal. I have to be selfish with my heart…. Going back means pain awaits me on the other side of the conversation. There is nothing more to say. He has 4 children and a wife….Oh wait 5 children, one out of wedlock (another piece of useless information ☺️). What more is there to say?? Going back only means that this time he will even be more ruthless. I will not give him that option. Surely he should also be so sick of this. Me begging…Me crying… Me jealous…. Me whining…

    I have truly decided. My participation in this back and forth is over. This is now on MY TERMS. No Contact means No Contact.

    • Jannie

      Did you tell him that you were ending things or did you just go “ghost” meaning no explanation? That’s what I am doing. He may think things are fine as we don’t text every day but it’s on day 4 now and I have no intentions of contacting him or responding if he contacts me. I already did the formal goodbye and then stupidly text him three weeks later and resumes the affair for two weeks. I’m sick of it and want out! Want to forget him completely and erase him from my mind!

      • Popo

        Jannie
        He thought I had ghosted him and paid a heavy price for such ‘out of character behavior (see my post above)’. If possible don’t ghost coz that means you are secretly wanting him to come back. Do NC for the right reasons. Completely letting go. You have to be truly sick of it all and desperate to get better….

    • Angelina

      OMG Popo!! God really has a strange sense of humour!! Am really happy to see u stand so strong! U deserve an applause.. if he couldn’t think abt u all this while then why day 9!! I still miss my lover & keep looking at my phone hoping he would msg, but he didnt! Breaks my heart into pieces! Wish he does..

    • Rhea

      Popo,
      I am so darn proud of you!! You go girl! I’m high-fiving you. I have not been in contact for almost 2 months but it’s because my mm has not reached out.
      I love that you’re taking control. There is nothing there for you. Let the pain wash over you. Embrace it. No man deserves our peace. His ego is killing him. You and only you are the keeper of your heart.

      • Popo

        Rhea, you do know he is definitely going to reach out right. You have plan and prepare for that. Prepare over and over to do nothing….

    • Mhbb

      ‘ I always had this superficial smile but was always so anxious underneath, my life revolved around my mm… Either I’m worried that he’s going to cancel our date, I’m too happy he is blowing hot today, happy I’ve just seen him, Sad he hasnt responded and on and on”….

      This sounds very familiar to me . We text a lot. I feel sad and anxiety when I put phone down . My life never felt the same since the day I met him . But I am just chasing a shadow. Something not real …..

      I am glad u survived on NC day 9. Keep it up.

  • Angelina

    Day 2 is over & it was very, very difficult for me. I broke down several times & kept crying for hours. Even now, its difficult to stop tears from rolling out. But I don’t have a choice. Yes, the only choice I have is to either accept it & move on or to disrespect myself agn & msg him.. I will agn send sum hateful messages & torture myself & he will reply saying baby i love u but plz understand blah blah blah… wat purpose is it gonna solve? Will rest of the things work out in my favor? i will only degrade myself agn & prove how helpless i am without him. Out of mercy he might want to be with me agn but for how long? Y cant i stick with what I have decided for myself? I decided that he doesnt deserve my love, care or attention.. all he gave me was stress, pain & humiliation. Hes just full of excuses & nothing else. I should look back & think, what is that I am getting, or have got till date from this relationship? ZILCH! ZERO! So wat was the point of putting in so much time, effort, energy, emotions, risk & everything into it? Thats the fact, I didnt get anything out of it, only lost.. I lost money, health, time, effort, mental peace, my husband’s trust, my sleep, my self-respect, thats it! He is done with my melodrama all the time & sees me nothing but a burden, so he has finally decided to cut off. He has not taken any effort to reach out to me since 2 days, nor does he want to take. I should just accept the fact that yes, it is over coz I decided to live with respect, happiness & peace n not feel disrespectful with the crumbs he has been throwing at me. Am not his pet. Happiness is not possible without him coz I was happy with him.. but there’s nothing that I can do about it now.. Last time as well I broke down, lost my sanity & cried in front of him & thats wen he finaly decided to msg me. Seeing me in that state only strokes his ego coz he wants to know how helpless I feel without him. If i love myself even 1 percent, or if I have any respect left for myself, I wont msg or talk to him until he does. This time I swear that I wont make the 1st move, even if I find it difficult to control my hatred for him. He disrespected me totally wen i went to his city only to meet him. I will cry, scream, break down, talk to the walls, write journals but wont contact him. The logic is simple. Hes completely ok with not being in touch with me. Hes living his life happily & didnt even ask me once how i was feeling, knowing that i was unwell. It agn boils down to the question, wat is that am getting out of this relationship & wat role did i ever have in his life (if at all i had any) that he let me go so quickly.. And, if he wants to reach out to me, nothing in this world can stop him.. but he only sees me as a burden now & doesnt want me to put my baggage on him. Ok, i wont. i will show him that I can take control of my life back from him. I really did a lot more for him than he deserved. The fact is, he doesnt deserve ANYTHING! Hes a thankless & heartless jerk.. he deserves No love, care, attention, affection, respect, nothing at all! this time watever happens, i wont fall weak. I think i should just accept it & not expect him to contact me ever. Yes, this is the end! i ended it coz i realized that i cant continue disrespecting myself by being with him. I keep asking God for signs, & no matter how many signs God gave me, i always refused to believe them. I wanted to believe only my version of the story, not the truth. I have always been happy keeping myself in an illusion. Since day 1, i was living in an illusion! The best revenge is to move on & thats wat m trying to do. Move on & show him I can be completely OK with him not being around. He really didnt do good to me & I curse him that nothing good will happen with him as well. I got my share of misery as am going through so much trauma. Since he’s strong emotionally, I want him to suffer in a different way.. May his career get screwed as thats wat is most important for him. May he never be at peace with his wife, she should also cheat on him & do affairs. These r the 2 curses that i have for him. Maybe not today, but at some point of time he will surely miss me & want me back. Maybe next week, next month, next year.. Or maybe wen hes sorted with his problems. I will wait for that day & i will wait for him to reach out to me..

    • Rhea

      Angelina,
      Hang in there for day 3. One day at a time until day 7, then look forward to week 2. You are breaking an addiction. I promise you that at month 2, you won’t be bleeding as you are now. It will still be painful but not gushing blood. I was listening to a song with lyrics, “when a heart breaks, it don’t break even. I got time and she got freedom…” that song is so on point. 2 people share the same experience yet it affects them differently. I am broken up about it but my mm is fine, moving on, not one “hi” in 2 months. I too wish my married man pain and bad things. I’m sure they’ll come true.

  • gloria

    We fell in love back in secondary school, and never had the opportunity to date cause I was not ready for a relationship. Later we lost contact and met back through facebook, by then I am married with two kids. He talk me into relationship and I felt the connection between both of us, so accepted to date him but as for then he is still single. After two years of relationship he got married and we still continue our relationship. But now the wife found out he is having an affair , she got my phone number through the husband phone, text me on whatsapp, called me all kind of names threaten to destroy my home and exposing my relationship with the husband. The husband (bf) beg me to block her up, and don’t mind her, which I did cause I was scanned to end the relationship, even my boy friend mother called to warn me to leave her son alone but still I feel my life is attached to him. So many times I try ending this relationship but he will called a beg, cry that I shouldn’t leave him, that he can’t do without me. I will end up running back to him. Am tired and I want to break up this relationship but don’t know what to do cause am scanned of leaving him. Please I need advice and encouragement to let go. Thanks

  • Mhbb

    I had emotional affair with a married man for 10 months now. I am married as well. But due to the nature of my marriage. There is always an emotional void in my life because my marriage is kind of based on responsibility and structure of family, my bf ( the married man ) is 4 years younger than me. Most of our time togather is more emotional based because he said he will become obsessed and attached to me with me if we r physically togather. We’ve been a few times togather. Then later on he pretty much rejected me physically saying I’ll break a beautiful family with 3 wonderful children if we continue physically togather. He told me he loves me. He care about me sooooooo much. He will never ever leave me eat. Surprisingly , I found out he gave his wife a huge diamond ring on their 15 years anniversary. I was very heartbroken. I felt whatever he told me r lies. I am getting dramatic, emotional, we fight a lot. I don’t talk to him for days, he explained he doesn’t see the different . His wife already has diamond ring. But it’s much smaller when married. He just change a bigger size. The love he has towards me never changed. I just don’t believe it. I feel I lost trust. Lost faith . He said he loves me and he loves his wife too. I am so lost . I went on a date from another couple of guys. Just to distract myself. But I can’t pull my heart away from him. He went for vocation with family this week in Florida. We still daily texting. But I feel hurts and anxiety when I put my phone down. The big problem I can’t do NC is we work very close togather. Before he left for vocation, he told his brother to make sure taking care of me and the business. When I get emotional and upset, he always told me: look at the big picture. We r all good. We r inseparable. But I feel the more I get involved emotionally. The more miserable I feel. He never had affair before in his marriage. But I just feel hurts a lot . Anyone read my story , please help and advise what I should do.

    • Popo

      Mhbb please take back control and stop all contact with this married man. You are just hurting yourself. Emotional affairs are just as intertwined as sexual. My one was also heavily emotional. I also work with my mm. He is a big boss (my bosses boss basically). So his name is mentioned, his pictures everywhere and I can’t escape. You can still do NC even when you work together. Just tad bit harder. Tell him you can no longer do this ‘love thing’, friendship neither and let go. Avoid meeting him for any work stuff you don’t have to be there. With me – I had to stop lying to myself by saying I need to be at this function or meeting where he is at where secretly I want to see him. First rule of the ego is never deceive yourself second rule is you are the easiest person to deceive. I just stopped and avoided him completely. Its hard coz the mind wants to justify… Its hard I know but because you are here it shows you are desperate to get better. Good luck girl… Sending you hugs

      • Sickofthisrollercoaster

        Mine is also my bosses boss and I’m dreading going back to work tmw. He was out for most of last week so that helped ease the burden of the ending. I’m terrified and don’t know how he’ll treat me. Maybe this will push me harder to get out of there and find a new job. I’ve read a lot of your posts and you give really sage advice. How did you deal if he IMed you at work or when you did have to interact?

      • Popo

        This is the price sickofthisrollercoaster. It’s not easy. Just try and avoid ALL interaction. If you don’t have to be at a meeting don’t be there. Avoid social events. I know mine won’t IM me unless it’s really about work (or as an excuse). There is too much pride there… We didn’t think of this and the consequences beforehand and I know why. These affairs have a way of creeping up on you unexpected. That’s why one must always have an incredible presence of mind to be aware of what’s going on…

  • Gemma

    I have lurked here for the past month and found so much inspiration with you women. This is my first post. About 6 weeks ago I ended a six month affair. I am married 2 young kids. He is not officially married, but he and his significant other live together and have 2 young kids. Here is our background. We work together occasionally ( see each other professionally about twice a month). We were friends/ coworkers for 5 years before we crossed the line. Since then everything has been on his terms.. ex.. saw me when at his convienence only. When I offered a meet up he always found some excuse to back out. I finally had enough and send him a message that things were not working out for me. He didn’t protest much and said we should be friends. We remained in no contact for 5 weeks until I broke it. I had a great job opportunity… and wAnted to ask him for a reference( he is high up in this particular field). He replied Of course….anything he could do to help me out…and we engaged in some small talk. In my bad judgement I text him that it was nice to catch up with him and that I missed talking to him. Complete radio silence after that. I feel like crap right now. I was doing so good with the no contact and focusing on my marriage and spending quality time with my kids. I feel like I just blew all that hard work. I know deep down he just used me, and at first maybe I was using him too. However now I fell too deep and need to climb myself out of this. I wish I never crossed that line. Now.. there is a ruined friendship and my heart is broken😢

  • Angelina

    Ok so day 1 over & no contact! He didn’t try to reach me either!! I keep getting these cravings to see if hes online or not, but if he is, i only feel disheartened coz he doesnt ping me! M trying to resist the temptation.. i failed last time but this time i wil succeed until I complete 60 days n at the end of it i wont need him.. keep inspiring me ladies! This time its a question of my dignity, my self respect , I wont allow him to treat me like a doormat

  • Colleen

    Saw these stories and felt obliged to message,as I’m typing tears fill my eyes,been involved with a married man for only 2 months but I fell hard ,fell strong, wish I could turn bk the hands of time an be in control of this situation but unfortunately it’s not the case,I love him….he was nothing I’d ever go for ,not remotely resembling any one I’d ever be interested in but he treated me like a queen,something I’ve been longing for ,i used to always tell him how amazing he is and how happy I am ,we’d always miss each other constantly cuz we only see each other or speak when he’s at work, he never but on one occasion called me while he was at home whispering,I lay patiently every day hoping he goes to work just to hear his voice,I feel pathetic ,he recently told me he can’t give me what I want and that we can’t spend quality time together,just mornings ,evenings or nights ,only if he can come up with a good story,Idk why I even got with him…..what was it I saw ,feel so foolish ,desperate and Idk how to get whole again ,I find myself listening to our calls and crying myself to sleep,I convinced myself he was unhappy and that I’m here to save him,I convinced myself we will be together and gave him all of me foolishly, what he gave me was what I needed,felt so amazing getting his affection,we had a huge argument and haven’t spoken in 2 days mainly cuz he’s off from work ,how can he put his feelings for me off till he gets bk to wrk?while I’m here dying a slow death , she looks hidious, how can he love her,how can I come second to that ? I know God will never send me someone’s husband,but Ive never felt this bond with someone,Idk where or how to regain control,Idk how to end it gracefully ,Idk if I should …….how much more can I take if I’m inconsolable right now …….i know this is unhealthy but idk where to start .

    • SoInLove

      You women are so very strong. I wish I had that in me. I am so miserable. But yet so completely in love with my mm. He knows how to say all the right things but his words and actions don’t match and even he knows that to be true.

      I want to walk away from him so damn bad because I know all he’s doing is killing me slowly. He tells me he loves me more than he does her and that I am the love of his life, but he goes home to her every night. She gets all his time. She posts little cute pics of them on her Facebook and it tears my heart out when I see them. We are fighting really bad right now because I seen the pic they took from Easter proudly displayed as her profile pic.

      I ask him how can he say he loves me more than her but look so damn happy in their pic??? I’m so tired of how I feel. I either wanna sleep all day cry all day or I’m just plain pissed off. Who wants to live that way? But yet I stay. I wish I could find the strength in me to walk away from him.

  • Rhea

    Angelina,
    In one of your messages, you talked about getting revenge and hoping that one day he’ll want you the way you want him. I feel that way too and so I understand completely. What I’ve learned though is that the best revenge is success. Yes, it’s true. You know revenge is? Walking away completely. Not contacting ever. And working on ourselves – on every part. One day, we’ll look back and realize that that person does not have that hold on us. I am hurting like crazy. My marriage is terrible. I am contemplating divorce but I am so scared of it all and I have kids. The man I loved for a year who I comforted is nowhere around to hold me when I need him. That’s a blessing in disguise because he doesn’t really love me like he said. I am learning to stand on my own without a husband or a lovers support. I don’t need their validation. I am responsible for my happiness. This thing will only make you stronger. Today you are weak but his rejection will push you forward.

    Start by limiting contact. I used to leave my phone in the car. See him for what he is. He is a user. My ex used me for sex and companionship. I gave him the girlfriend experience. What goes around comes around. Some day, not today, maybe not 10 years from now, you will be vindicated. I don’t think you can treat people poorly and not pay for it.

    My feelings for him were real. Like you, I loved him with my entire being. I treated him like a king. I stroked his ego. I had never had an affair so I allowed myself to fall completely. He had done this before. But he kept stringing me along. He should have ended it with me after a month. After 6 months he kept ending it but I kept going back to him. Why be with me for 6 months? Why buy me gifts all the time? Why do this to me if you know that you’ll smash my heart? He was experienced in this. He’s exploitative!!! I still ache for him but it’s getting better. He probably didn’t expect me to walk away and not look back. I told him I loved him the day he ended it. The first time I said those words to him. I used it a bullet. I didn’t beg him to stay. Told him I understood but wanted him to know that I love him. I told him it was a parting gift. He said he loved me too. He lied. Morphine for the sick. That’s what he thought he was giving me. He never loved me. As he moves on and takes other lovers, I wanted him to know what he meant to me. When he lies next to his wife and he’s lonely, I want him to know that I loved him and that he threw me in the garbage.
    The thing is, when I do get my revenge, I won’t even care. I never wanted anything from him but his love. I asked for nothing.
    My first love dumped me. 20 years later he told me that he wonders what our life would have been like and that he really really had loved me. He kept reaching out to me and I shut him down politely. That was my revenge.
    A second guy had dumped me and I used to envision running into him again. Last November I was at an event with my family and I looked great and I ran into his best friend and his wife and they shared that this guy is sooo stressed in his marriage and is unhappy. And a week ago, his best friend told me that he told the dumper that he should have married me. That’s my vindication- 13 years later.
    This one will come. It’s only a matter of time. In the meanwhile I’m taking care of myself.

    • Angelina

      Rhea, i feel so strong and motivated after reading ur comments! Thank you so much for writing to me & sharing ur experience.. i see a great friend in u and feel comfortable sharing my feelings with u. m so sorry to hear about ur problems & how ur husband has been treating u.. i dont blame u for havin an affair so coz any woman whos at ur stage, dealing with a crumbling marriage and a cheating husband can fall prey to exploitative men like u did! I pray to god to give u strength and help improve situation at ur home atleast so that u can come out this mess from one direction. U hav ur kids & thats reason enough for u to move on & be happy!!
      Talking about the horrible man am with, i broke up with him AGN! Though i had set a rule book for myself n thought of ending it slowly, but it only made me more angry & upset. This time purely coz of the kind of treatment he has been giving me.. i do relate to wat u said about the girlfriend experience, m way younger to him and thats wat i provided him.. i made him feel young & wanted & thats wat gave him an ego boost.. though it was different from my end. I loved him with all my heart, just like my spouse. I even used to cook for him & do his chores. This married man never returned even an iota of my love, care or affection. Thr were days wen i wud hav outbursts n i wud cry in front of him for his cold reaction n he wud say hes like that only & he doesnt compliment anyone! Before i came to know abt this forum, i used to write emails to myself wen i had fights with him. I was reading mails dated january which showed m still on square one & things havent progresed at all from there! Watever wer my probs or insecrities few months back, they r stil the same! So wats the ROI of investing so much time, money, risk, emotions, energy into him? ZILCH! ZERO! Popo is right, one day i wil wake up & realize 12 more months have passed, n m stil stuck at the same place! With the same excuses, insecurities, torture etc.. do i want that?
      Im still in my 20s and hav some expectations wen it comes to relationships.. i dnt wana carry his emotional baggage on me anymore without any reason! Hes the most thankless & heartless person i have come across. He never did anything to make ME feel special at all! No gifts, no surprises, nothing! N wen i did, his reaction used to be plain & cold! Now i hav given up n wana focus on myself. U r right, the best revenge is to move on & show him i can b nicely over him! I wana focus on my life, my health, my career, my home & my family which i had been ignoring coz of him. I wil fight the urge to msg him, even if its hate u msgs.. i wil fight the urge to stalk my married man and his wife on social networks. Infact i wud think that hes dead, N dead ppl do not message or contact u. I wil envision running into him at some point in this life n show him how rocking my life is & i still luk hot! I wil wait for the day wen he wud crave for me & want me back n i wud hav moved on, not for another illicit relationship like him, but for my husband. He has a tendency to cheat & luk for momentarily relationships & i know he wil do that again! He wil trap more girls like me & dump them also wen they get into melodrama & all. Hes not a one woman man for sure n this he himself told me, which makes me think if I really should be mad at his wife!

      • Rhea

        Angelina,
        I hear everything that you’re saying. You are not oblivious. You are very very aware of all of the deficiencies of this mm. He is not worth you. You are addicted to him. He met some need in you – maybe he made you feel sexy or alive or maybe the relationship made you feel that way. But at what cost? You have lost your peace and you’ve lost control of your mind and your heart. The only way out is to end it completely. You’re doing it for you. There will be tremendous pain. But the alternative is to live in mental torture. He’s like your source of drugs and you’re an addict begging for another hit, another high. See this thing for what it is.
        Do one day at a time. Oct of last year by mm left me and 2 months later we reconciled and then it ended 2 months after that. I’ve marked dates on my calendar from the last breakup to 4 months from then which takes me to June. Everyday that I don’t contact I’m taking back my time I gave him. I remember, “this was the date I met him for a drink or this was when I slept with him” and I watch the date come and go and I think this is my revenge. I’m redoing the time my way. Ultimately I want to be able to make it to a year. I want to take back the year I gave him and in that year, make myself whole.
        This thing steals all of your moments. I watched my kids playing and laughing today. I stopped and watched and smiled. When I was with him, I was so tormented that I didn’t stop to look at my life. I was wrapped up in analyzing his words and trying everything I could to keep his attention. Who the hell needs to live like that?
        Be strong my friend. You can do. What need was he fullfiling? Fill that whole with other things. I joined a swim class, I read More and I hang out with my friends. I ache for him still but there is more clarity now.
        In the end, I will be stronger because if it but he will not meet another woman like me. He will always be unhappy. That’s my wish for him.

      • Popo

        Angy well done. Stunning words from Rhea. Every single one of them. Inspired me too. Trust me Angy He will definitely text. Be ready for it… Prepare over and over when the time comes to do nothing. Its the only way you will heal.
        Its funny I’m in bed now just woke up and realized I don’t have to swing to my phone see when he opened my message. He always opened late night message and never ever replied. Slight disappointment. Close my phone open and check again. Then start thinking what time must I send good morning message… Must I wait…. Then send start checking if he’s opened it…. Noone deserves that mental punishment….

      • Angelina

        Popo & rhea, thank u both for writing back! If u guys wudnt hav motivated me, i wud hav had no1 to talk to n probably wud hav landed in an asylum! My heart is paining non stop & m still craving for him, but i wil stand by my promise of NC. Stil cant blv how he can let me go so easily.. but now i feel its not him who chucked me out of his life, but I dumped him before he cud! Thatways i hav an upper hand here. I dnt hav to lie to my husband, i can look into his eyes whilr talking, n my own eyes in the mirror! It wil stil take time to stop stalking him on socisl networks n watsapp but i hav reduced the frequency. Hes online all the time but doesn’t msg me & it hurts.. but its ok, i wil only stand stronger. M spending time with mysef.. working out, dressing up, goin to salons, praying, spending time with my husband etc.. thatways I keep myself busy. M looking fwd to the blessings life has in store for me as m really young right now.. plz keep writing n inspiring me with ur words!!

  • hardtime

    Its a week today I have told him not to contact me and he has not. Today is a hard day for me dont know why. SO want to see how he is doing. But then i think about all the times he made me cry and did not think about me. Trying to stay busy but the last few days i have been home by myself all friends are busy so have been in my head. Being so tempted to text or email him so writing here instaed.

    • Rhea

      Hard time,
      He’s doing just fine. You worry about yourself. These men are selfish. They are very pointed and focused. They come to us to fill a specific need – be it sex, companionship, etc. we as woman are nurturers so not only do we fill that need, we end up giving them our hearts. They take only what they need and then depart and we like fools have given over our hearts to them.
      When all else fails, act like a man. Worry about your own well-being.

  • Angelina

    Its been a day since i met him & m sticking to my rules. M constantly giving him a cold shoulder nor m i missing him. I text him wen i feel like n he replies after 2 hours.. I have no interest in knowing wat hes doing n how is he. I just cant tolerate anything abt him now! I cant stand conversations abt anyone in his family either.. be it his kid, wife or siblings! M totaly pissed with him n wana get rid of him as soon as m prepared. I see him as a cancer! I know i wana get rid of it but scared to undergo the therapy, as well as worried abt the repercussions.. this kinda treatment that he has been givin me is only helping me coz i hav more & more reasons to hate him n love my husband more.. everytime he doesnt do anything good for me or makes me feel disrespectful, I remember how my husband makes me feel spcl & goes out of his way to do things for me.. i dnt see any, any reason why i m with this married man!

  • Popo

    OK… Update… Sooo as I finished sending my Day 7 No Contact update here, I look down my phone… There is a whatsapp message from my mm…. ‘What happened to you…hope you are still alive!..’
    I must confess- I was happy-yes happy! Puke! I looked at the message and thought – this is the true test. Its easy saying No Contact when he’s cold….What now….

    Firstly you must know just how much I told this man I loved him. Told him I would leave my husband. I begged for his love. Bought gifts for his children, his mother… I basically lay my heart down and begged him to love me even half the way that I loved him….

    I looked at the message and asked myself the question… What good will come out of me responding. Nothing will change. The same cycle will repeat itself only this time I will say I been in a relationship for 2 more years. No!
    After much contemplation…. I again sat on my hands and begged God to take away the craving…Ladies please be strong. No good comes out of the back and forth contacting. All it does is feed our ego. Feed his ego. Make him hurt us even more. When it’s over its over.
    I ignored it. Still….Day 7 No Contact…

    • HardTime

      I admire you for the NO contact and not replying. I dont know what I would do if Married Man contacted me we are also 7 days NC. Great Job for ignoring it!!

    • Rhea

      Popo,
      I’m proud of you for not responding. You’re right. That’s the true test. I have not reached out but I’ve been dumped and he has made no contact. I thank God for that. It’s a blessing in disguise. It forces me to move forward.
      Sounds like your mm’s ego is bruised. He wants to know why he’s being ignored not whether you’re ok. Keep ignoring him. this is about your survival. Remember all the times he broke your heart.
      Mine dumped me days after we slept together. We didn’t fight. He wanted to work on things at home he said. All lies. I became a burden to him. I looked out my window. Thought about how he must be at a game with his son, enjoying his family. I hope memories of us haunt him and eat his soul. I know what I gave him. I compromised my values for him. I cannot believe that I had an affair with someone’s husband!! I lost respect for myself and he used me and disposed of me. My anger comes and goes. It goes between anger and longing and missing him.

      I’ll make him pay – by staying away. I am confident that he will regret his decision to let me go. I was a gift, a prize to be won. Lightning hardly strikes twice in the same place. He couldn’t really value me because I was too available. But as the months past without me, and as he starts to take other lovers (I know he’ll cheat again even though he says he wants to work on his marriage), he’ll realize what he had. That’s the magic of time. But I don’t ever want him back. Even if it means I have to cut my heart out of my chest!!! When you love someone like that, they should love you back and if they don’t, they’re not worth your time or effort.

    • Popo

      Day 8 No Contact. 1 week!. He sent 2 more messages…3 in total….First said ‘What happened to you -are you still alive ‘ next said ‘I just want to know if you are ok- that’s all’ took looong to open it… Ignored it then immediately followed by ????… Yes four question marks. Daymme, getting aggressive are we??
      Considering this man told me he doesn’t feel the same way and wants to be friends and after I told him I will open my heart and let him go his response was ‘Thank you for understanding’… WTF is he on about…?

      Bottom line is I ignored all 3 messages. I have got to toughen up and take control of my life and take care of my heart. That was no way to live. Being completely possessed by the demons of this affair. I have taken back control. This is on my TERMS now. I won’t help him in his ego games. I am no longer a willing participant. My terms are No Contact. No Contact means No Contact. Even when you think you were dumped it doesn’t matter -its still getting back control.
      I’ll be honest -although it’s not easy ignoring him -it definitely got easier after the 3rd message. Kept asking – what will change. Same answer! Nothing! I have decided that if he sends me one more message I am blocking him.

      I have tried everything ladies before -from phasing him out slowly while getting the fix (still hurt) – pleading for him to try to change, begging, guilt ridden messages (he hated those), even showing him proof I’m leaving my husband.. Nothing worked. Absolutely nothing. I feel better for the first time in 11 months honestly… Free at last! Saw something that said No Contact is like ripping of a band aid, you can do it slow and it hurts longer or you rip it off fast……

      • TryingtoBreakFree

        You a boss…but do you think its easier for you cuz you’re already married? And you have some one to go home to…

      • Rhea

        Popo,
        His ego is bruised. He didn’t message professing his love. He wants to make sure you’re ok?? Keep him wondering. Your dignity is all you’ve got left. There is nothing there for you. Keep being strong.

      • Popo

        TryingtoBreakFree that’s such a good question. I thought about it and you know honestly no. I have gone through worst heartbroken now while married than when I dated before. This was like a divorce. My relationship with mm was passionate. Kissed all the time. Talked all the time. Thought he was my best friend. Hubby and I are friends, respectful, but not as passionate. Hubby could never replace mm.
        However dealing with married men while single might be harder coz those ‘lonely’ moments at night alone-the mental movies will start and you start overthinking, overanalysing…….

    • Angelina

      Popo, way to go girl! Gud u didnt break down, but u stood strong! Rhea is right here, its all about ego issue, they deliberately try to reach us not coz they want to knw abt our well-being but to show how rocking their lives r & hoping we will say ‘i miss u, come back, m devastated’.. good u proved him wrong! I think he wont try to contact u agn n if he does, then he realy wants to satisfy his ego.. i too feel the urge to track him on watsapp, break down in frnt of him, ask him y hes bein so harsh with me n all.. but i wil only prove myself a loser., m trying to b strong n this time, m realy on NO CONTACT MODE!

  • Aria

    He was 13years older than me kind of my first serious relationship.
    The married man used to say he loves me so much but can’t get devours for crap reasons. We were together for 4mounth and he offer me being his business partner which was his way to my world.
    I have a friend for 2years who asked me for marriage and I told him and he went crazy.
    I planed to break up with him in February and in February we had a serious discussion and I do that. I also break our business partnership. And I blocked him.
    It was just LinkedIn which he used to send me something every day or two till I deleted my page there two and I leave every social media too.
    I feel so horrible to let the married man come to my life and tell me all those thing that I can’t even be sure if was truth or lies. And let him ruin all I had and put my self I this depressed mood.
    I feel he won every thing
    I mean I lost my job, the man I think I love, my health,….
    But he has his job, his wife, his….
    It’s not fair….

    • Popo

      I agree Steph. Decided to stop looking at anything to do with him. Whatsapp, Instagram none of it…. I have to protect myself and gain my sanity back. We always hold on to the past as if it had everything we ever wanted. It didn’t. We wouldn’t be here if things were perfect. The mm suddenly looking appealing. Of course he would coz its all in the past now. Hours of tears and disappointment are forgotten.

      I once broke up with my married man at 4 months. He had dumped me coz he said I was a flirt (he’s possesive). Anyway…. I was reading the journal I kept then during my grief. Shocking! The things I was complaining of eg silences, need more responses,he’s got a family already… Everything is EXACTLY what was playing out now at 11 months. Nothing changed. Only more time (7 more months of misery) and more pain. So when I look at that I’m suddenly so clear and realize… It is a 100% pointless going back to him. It will be the same dreams and will wake up one day in a 16 year affair. Honestly guys it seems ridiculous but that how it happens.

      I’m on day 7. No Contact with the married man. Today is the better day. Feel absolutely NOTHING for him. Not anger, not passion… Just peace for me….

  • Stephanie

    And one more thing I want to add for all of us. Only 9 out of 10 married men leave their wives at best. And the only thing I really ended up doing was helping my mm get what he wanted from his wife. Once he told her he had no feelings for her, she started working out with her personal trainer and losing weight, cleaning the house and now is going to go back to work. And of course, she still wants him. Even knowing he was cheating and seeing messages of love from him to me. She told him the kids would call another man daddy and to move out if he didn’t end it immediately. So of course, he ended it with me even though he told me he was getting a divorce and wanted to marry me. On the days where I don’t have forgiveness in my heart, I feel like he owes me something for fixing the issues that he had a problem with in his wife. The only thing is, I don’t believe that he’s really going to be happy. At least we can move on and rebuild our lives. They are stuck in something that wasn’t working for years.

    • Popo

      You are right Steph. He won’t be happy. There is a concept called ‘the third wheel’. The reason why his relationship was functioning was because you ‘the third wheel’ was there providing the balance. In fact the third wheel can even make a marriage even stronger than it was before because then all the things irritating him about the wife become not so irritating because he can just ignore them and take time out with you. And he will always think what he’s doing to her is worse (cheating with us) so he will go out of his way to be accommodating.
      I agree you made his marriage stronger but its temporary because you took a stand to refuse to be used like that… No more! You must want none of it!

  • Stephanie

    Clarification, we were talking and knew each other over 5 months, but the relationship became physical after 1 month and we were intimately involved and even discussing marriage and merging families over 4 months.

  • Stephanie

    Hi. This is my first post. I was reading this faithfully over the past month. My married man broke it off with me once his wife found out. I was already in the process of moving on. I had just created a Match.com account 6 days earlier and was already corresponding with matches. I planned to phase out my relationship with my mm if he didn’t file for divorce. We were together for 4 months and he had me convinced he was going to file for divorce. He had researched apartments and paid the application fee. He told me he wasn’t attracted to his wife anymore–that they had grown apart, he was only staying for the children etc. I didn’t know he was married when we first started talking. I was coming off of a brutal divorce with an emotionally abusive ex-husband and happy to be free when I met my mm. My mm was so loving, kind, and so attracted to me. It felt intoxicating. He said all of the right things–I would be one of the 10% (the statistic of mm that actually leave their wife for the ow) because he was going to get a divorce regardless of me. That he had never wanted another woman like he wanted me.

    My advice, break it off before he does. It feels awful. I felt stupid and used. Like a cliche. But if he breaks it off with you, read Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. It helped me so much. I’m no longer crying everyday. I am moving on. I am dating single men that can actually take me out to dinner. My mm only took me to dinner 3 times in 5 months. It was ridiculous what I was willing to settle for. Yes, there are days when I miss him but because it’s absolutely no contact, the intensity is diminishing. I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel happy most days and I love dating men that want to be seen with me. I’m not going to have sex until I’m in a committed relationship and am setting healthy boundaries. That book has really helped. I’m happy to email any of you that need it. The relationship ended 2/25/17. I started to feel like life had color again 3 weeks ago. The relationship lasted 5 months. It’s possible to move on. And it feels so much better.

  • Clair

    This Tuesday was Day 5 with no contact with the married man and I had unfollowed him on all social media that day. That night I got on one of my accounts and saw where he tried to start following me again and I immediately got a sick feeling. Not 10 min later He text me. Asked me what I was doing and then said I’m sorry I shouldn’t have texted. I said it’s been a week since we’ve talked last so what is it?? He said he just needed to know I was ok. That he had listened to a couple of songs that were mine and his when we were together and he feels horrible for how he treated me the last few weeks while we were together. I said well are you ok?? He said no and that he misses me and still wants me blah blah blah. I said well no I’m not ok and I miss you to but your the one that wanted this and I’ve been giving that to you. Well of course we talked for awhile after that but I’m still guarded and I really don’t know what this means. I texted him Thursday and asked did he regret messaging me and he said no and said that wasn’t enough for him that he needed to see me. Then told me to have a good night. Well then yesterday i told him I missed him and called him babe and I said was that ok that I said that and he said yes. I told him I was sorry for texting and he said don’t apologize it’s ok and then I said I don’t know how to be with you now. Should I act like I could care less if I talk to you and wait on you to text me or what and I never got a response back! See I get better and he tries to sneak his way back in! No I’ve been upset wondering why he didn’t text me back when a few days ago I could of cared less if I ever spoke to him again.

    • Popo

      Its the same cycle repeating itself Clair. On and off… On and off……on and off…. Don’t feel bad that you responded and he’s back to his ways. This is what we need to be strong. Sometimes they catch is when our guard is down….
      At some point though…you will be completely and emotionally exhausted from all of this back and forth… They say help comes when we are ready to receive it…..

      • Clair

        Exactly! I still haven’t talked to him and i don’t know when I will again. We’ve done this so many times in the last two years and each time when it’s him coming back he’s sweet and says what I need to hear and then he’s back to not talking to me. Tells me he missed me but his actions don’t show that. I guatrantee if I text him first he’ll be shady but if I wait for him to text me he’ll be laying it on thick . And that’s the thing, each time we end it and I get to where I’m good there he is again.

  • Popo

    Day 5-No contact. I’m crumbling…. Went on Whatsapp and looked at his picture for long. Kept zooming into his eyes. He was online the whole time. Couldn’t help but think…. Who is he chatting to??? He has a new picture and he looks super yummy. A part of me wanted to do an accidental dial. I didn’t. I won’t. I miss him but when I break down what I actually miss realize I don’t miss the long silences, always so scared that he will leave, actively searching for interesting topics of discussion, being ignored, tiptoeing around him, begging him to tell me he loves me…I realise that I always had a permanent pain in my stomach…. Taking it minute by minute… Some days are better… Today isn’t one of the better days 😪

  • Angelina

    Journaling has really been helpful for me, so wenever m depressed i come to this forum n jot it down.. guess wat girls? I agn patched up with the married man! I realised that i might try to b strong n all, but i cant! Hes controlling my life totaly! I dnt know how to disconnect myself from him! Its just not possible!! I was falling deeper & deeper in trauma.. i hav no choice but to b with him! But this time m gona play differently.. i wil trt to detach myself from him, but slowly & in phases.. its not possible to cut sumone off ur life suddenly so i wil do it as per my convenience.. thr r a few rules i hav set for myself:
    1. I wont ignore my husband or home for him. My husband will be my priority! No more risk-taking for this man.
    2. I will fight the addiction & urge to talk to the married man.
    3. I wont interfere in his family life. Let him f**k his wife or any woman for that matter.
    4. I wont go out of my way to make him feel spcl. Nor wil i buy him any presents or waste a single dollar on him. Why shud i, if i never got even a chocolate from him!
    5. I wil not compete with his wife. I know i stand far above her n i dnt wana degrade myself by comparing myself with her!
    6. I wont b madly in love with the mm anymore! Hes not a marriage material for sure. Its his wife’s bad luck that he belongs to her so let her suffer while I enjoy the show!
    7. I wil try as much as possible to distance myself from him.
    8. I wil pray to god everyday to erase him frm my heart n mind so that i can end it with my wen I want!

    • Popo

      Angelina wishing you the best. You are right….Do it when you feel that you are ready… True, cutting him off cold turkey is hard. But at least you still have a choice in this… What if the married man wakes up and says he doesn’t feel the same way anymore? You will only be left with one choice -to let go. Maybe it won’t get there…..Will be thinking and praying for you…

      • Angelina

        Thanks Popo! Yes thats wat i fear the most! Wat if he ends it with me? More than anything it wil b my ego that wil b hurt the most! N if his wife gets to knw, he wont think even for a minute before ending it with me.. thr wil b a lot of melodrama n all, she might reach out to my husband also. I wil b the bad woman here & the husband-wife will work things out amongst themselves .. but i know my husband, he wont giv ME another chance. We dont even hav kids so that we can compromise for the sake of kids.. so yes, I have put myself in deep, deep shit! Thats y i say, the only way out of the mess is not to get into the mess itself! Now i cant do without him, as well as with him. Guess wat, m in his city since 3 days n i came only to meet him but he tuk out time to meet me today, after 3 days! We had been fighting all this while but if he realy wanted to meet me he wud hav taken efforts. It was irritating, his wife kept calling him n he seemed to b in rush, his kid was askin for him & he had to go grocery shopping with the wife. As if the house wont let function without him being out for a few hours! M leavin tmrw n he cant take out time to drop me to the airport or even meet me for an hour for that matter! Its so damn annoying… like rhea said, if sumone wants u, he wil do anything to reach out to u. i felt today wen i met him, i didnt feel excited the way i used to for him as always.. it was like a pretty ok kinda feeling.. i didnt carry any gift for him or his kid as i wud always.. i was pretty ok wen he left n didnt miss him. I hav put my phone aside n m not textin him… nor m i waiting for his msg.. i think the signs r gud n m takin the 1st step towards movin away from him. I sersly feel this man doesn’t deserv my love or attention.. m trying to maintain a distance. As i said, i hav my rule book n i wil abide by that.. i dnt need to carry his emotional bagge with myself either, let his wife do that..

  • Tara

    So i spent almost ten years to the day with a married man i thought i truly loved and wanted im sure ive got to be one of the biggest fools but im trying to forgive myself for that.. i had so much proof and his wife and i had spoken many times.. it was almost as if she tolerated it.. probably because she got the main part of him anyway.. its been 1 day and he textd and called me yesterday.. i told him i was done and not to contact me.. we’ve broken up hundreds of times so i dont know if he takes me seriously.. i dont know if i do but i know i want and deserve better. Im using all this extra time i wasted on me now instead of spending all my energy on him

    • Angelina

      10 years??? Its difficult to even imagine wat u must b goin through!! How did u get the strength to handle it for 10 years?? N wat do u do to fill the void that he must hav created within u? Wat caused u to break up with him now? U r a source of inspiration for many of us who r scared to breakup coz of the after effects.. its like an addict going through rehab & detox..

    • Kelly

      I know exactly what you are going through. I was seven years, stopped for seven years and went back again. It’s a hard cycle to break. I know my married man is ultimately a coward and he’s worried about losing his money but I can’t seem to end it. He lives 13 hours away so it’s not like we see each other all that often. He rarely sees his wife since she lives in a different state. This type of relationship is hard on the self esteem. I need to find strength to move on. He’s 16 years older then me. When I did see him again after 7 years I noticed he had aged a lot. He’s 61. Do I really want to hang out for anothe 7 years. Not really. I feel like I’m giving up the best years of my life!

  • Angelina

    I hate myself! Same blunder agn 🙁 i fell weak n breathless the whole day, just like an addict feels without his drug! N i gave up!! 😩😩 i again msgd him.. i sent him hate u msgs but y shud i even do that! Wen i had taken an oath of cutting off with him completely.. now i feel i shudnt hav… coz he was ok not talkin to me all this while ! It didnt even go in a positive direction coz agn the blame game! N thn askin him where i stand viz a viz the wife! Jesus!! Y the same mistake n how to avoid it?? My last msg to him agn was “this is my last msg n dnt contact me henceforth ” hope I dnt fall weak agn! Plz help me ladies!!!

    • Rhea

      Angelina,

      You fell down but now you get back up and start over again. I know my friend how hard it is. This is a drug and we are addicts wanting the next fix. I fight myself all day. You have to fight it. When the urge comes, cry, do something else but DO NOT contact. Come here and write. Let someone talk you off the ledge. There is nothing there for you. If these men wanted us, they would have reached out. It is really really very simple. In my past, the men who wanted me, searched for me, came back to me, sent me flowers, went to great lengths to get me back. The men who didn’t want me, didn’t look back. If a man wants you, nothing and no one will stand in his way!!

      So, you screwed up. Tomorrow is another day and the beautiful thing about new days is that you get to start over my friend. Don’t worry about where you stand in relation to the wife. I’m going to be blunt. You have no standing and I don’t either. I was never even in the running! There was no competition. I was not competing with her. He was never going to leave her for me. Ever! I am married. My husband has cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend (that’s what contributed to me cheating – I was devastated and vulnerable). At the end of it all, I don’t believe that my husband would have ever left me for her. She was never even competing. I am the wife, the mother of his children, the woman who he respects. This is the truth. This is how these men think. They think with their penises and their brain but never ever with their hearts!!!

      • lltcomet

        Angelina don’t beat yourself up too much! It takes all of us a ridiculous amount of time to really understand the games of being with a married man. I learned if I reject him, he will try to move on to another woman quickly so he does not have to feel any blow to his ego. But I go back, he will think he now “has” me and he will treat me like crap all over again because I “came back.” It is never ever resolved and the relationship never ever gets better! It is a vicious cycle. The only way I could finally leave the married man this current time was to say to him, “Look we have all this history together and I do have very deep feelings for you but I am no longer okay with our arrangement. I can no longer do this to your wife either. When you get single, give me a call if you want.” This is kind of BS because I really don’t know if I ever want to take him back at all. I am so disgusted with the BOTH of us at this point. But because I still feel like I love him so much (or I am so addicted to him or whatever this feeling is) I had to still leave the door a tiny bit open. I have been flip flopping all week whether to block his number or not. (It usually never works because he will call me from another number.) And then he will tell me how awful I am to do such a thing (block his number) Then I’ll feel ashamed of my behavior take him back and get hurt all over again. Sound familiar? The married man in my life knows that “NO” rarely means “NO with me (at least from my past behavior with him) . But when he reaches out (fishing to see if I a want him back again) my plan is this: I will say, “I have been thinking and I have decided that for the sake of my personal sanity I think it is best if we do not speak.” I have to do it in ‘baby steps’.
        I can’t say the “forever” word (I can not say I will never speak to you again ever ) but I CAN say I need my own quiet time and space away from this mess. And he can not say anything back! And as I buy my time away from him I know for a fact I can and I will get stronger and stronger and so then one day I will be able to “NO” and mean it! In the meantime I am working with a therapist and writing in my journal. I need to understand why I have been so willing to settle with crumbs and why I have been so willing to help another man lie to his wife. I am an attractive and successful single woman but this behavior of mine is very self-destructive and only I can fix this part. (He can never fix this part of me). I know the answer is partly this: This is an addiction for real.

    • Anne

      Angelina, I almost did what you did, just this evening when his text came thru to inform me of how rough a day he was having at his Dads funeral 🙁 of all the times in the world that I shud have replied I literally had to just sit on my hands basically and if I can NOT respond on such an important day in his life I’m hoping I can continue to break right away again now.. like you only day 4 too.. don’t beat yourself up over it though hun and just start your no contact again, but be stricter on yourself this time and make it a 60 day one as opposed to a 30 day one, as quite recently a psychologist told me that in order to break any habit in life it takes at least 50 days.. food for thought.. take care x

      • Angelina

        Hey Rhea & Anne, Agree with both of u! Thank u so much! M tryin to stay strong n its really difficult. I told the married man yesterday i wish i wer like u, heartless & unaffected, wud hav been easy for me to move on, like u hav. I didn’t even get a reply frn him wen i told him this is my last msg n m deleting ur no. Its been almost a day! U r so true, if he realy had any soft corner for me or for that matter wanted to be in touch, he wud make efforts! Imagin, if the same his wife wud hav said, he wud do anything to call her or convince her! He told me he had cheated on his wife before, it was a one night stand n he was drunk (that too wen the wife was expecting, horrible!!!). He had confessed it to his wife & she had forgiven him. This shows he has a tendency to cheat.. he cheated on her before, then cheated on her with me, n will ofcourse cheat on both of us for other women! Thr wer talks abt him havn an affair with another woman at out workplace, but he assured me that it was false n I believed him, but now I think it might b true!!
        As is the case with most of us, the married men will never say clearly he doesnt want to b with u anymore cos they want to keep us hanging! They like tryin diff flavours n want it to b readily available wen they r bored of their wives. Wish he had never come into my life, he disturbed it totally! My marriage, worklife, mental peace, health, emotions, sex life, everything has been affected!! I cant sleep or eat properly, i wake up at random hours n feel restless, m losing more n more weight everyday, i feel weak frm within.. i hav accepted my condition today as my own karma. Its gods way of doing justice. Am on my journey to this 60 day – no contact challenge & i wish to succeed. The ultimate slap on the married man’s face wud b wen i leave his city without even meeting him once! I hope sumday down the line he will regret losing me & wud want me back in his life, n i will get my revenge!

      • Angelina

        Also want to mention here, during initial days of our ‘relationship’, if we would fight or i wud refuse to talk to him, he wud make back to back efforts to try to convince me. He wud go crazy with calls n texts.. but last few months have been like.. hes just ok with no contact n thn i myself start sendin him hate u msgs n thn he replies with love u n all n thn we r good agn!! I think he knws theres no survival for me without him n eventually i wil come back.. he has too much ego n his ego gets satisfaction wenever i sent him any, any msg.. even if its about hating him! Coz that proves that m weak n cant stay away from him! Now he just allows me to b & is ok with not talking for days..he waits for me to come to my normal self.. thatways he can avoid all melodrama n my baggage n can get to enjoy the fruit aka only the good part.. but this time I wil prove him wrong.. i wil show him i can giv him bak exactly wat he has been givin me.. m in so so so much stress, cant even tel u! M afraid i wil land up in a hospital very soon! Wish i had got so sersly involved in a relationship which actually had any destination! Wish i had only seen him as how he saw me always, that is like a filler! Wish i had also seen him as a sex buddy like he saw me.. wish i cud also switch off the way he did.. he always knew i was temporary so never had any feelings or attachment towards me. I read a psychiatrist’s article that said unlike women, men can easily have sex without gettin emotional or havin any sort of feelings for the other person. Dnt knw wat gave me the illusion that hes not like that! With time his true colors surfaced! I feel angry at myself for even thinkin abt him.. its only my husband who deserves all my smiles, tears, joy, n even my anger for that matter! I shud b totally neutral towards that man.. i hate myself for falling weak all the time! 😩😩

    • Popo

      Its fine Angelina. Its not about how many times you fall…pick yourself up and start again. You will see that each time it happens and you begin to get stronger. It’s already a turning point in your favour. Now you are more aware. Keep trying. No Contact is the only way you can regain your life back. The fact that you tried and fell off the wagon shows that you already have one foot on the right path. Keep trying….I’m on Day 5 NC…

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    Sigh….ladies i thought i was set free….but im not…i had three bottles of wine yesterday…yes 3! I regret it cuz now I feel so sick and depressed….I text him after 4 days of no contact…smh…silly me…my drunkeness lead me to do that…i swear alcohol.is a demon that has me trapped…

    • Rhea

      TryingtoBreakFree,

      I find that alcohol makes you feel worse about the whole thing so I’ve been trying not to drink that much when alone. Alcohol does not make you forget. It appears to bring the pain to the surface. It is a depressant after all.

    • Anne

      hey there, weve all been there, I was right where you were only last weekend too, its hard but yes you do get thru it in the end.. just be kind to yourself now, it happens, you will move on now.. have faith x

    • Hard time

      be strong and try again. I have been so tempted and on day 4 i dont know how i will get through this but we have to stay strong. Before I told my married man no contact he told me he want to talk to me about his work and something that happened I am so tempted to text him and ask him about it, But we have to be strong it is very very hard!!!

  • Aria

    Hi
    I feel I need to know if you have this feeling too:
    Disappointment.
    I really fell empty and disappointed.
    I did believe in God at the beginning sometimes I visper to him
    Show me the sign or help me
    But one day I find my self so angry yelling at him so where are you if you even existed? Why your doing nothing? Where is your justice?
    And then I never talk to God or think of him again.
    I feel really alone. Really.
    Is that even real? That they will see what they done to us?
    Is there anyone who have this experience that her married man saw the results of his actions?
    Sometimes I feel like those justice and karma thing we use to say Is not really exist.
    I don’t know.
    I feel terrible today.
    Isn’t it crazy that some one can came to your life and explode every thing you have and cause you so much pain and you just CANT Do ANYTHING. I MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL.

    • Patty

      I’m sorry but it takes two. You can’t blame god or karma for something you willingly took part of. I struggle with the ‘why’ also, but have come to realize I’m just as much to blame for what I’m going thru.

  • Angelina

    Its day 3 and m abiding by my decision. I feel so proud of myself. Thr was a time wen i used to crave for him & his time but now i dont need him. Today the married man msgd me saying he wants to meet but i gave him a cold shoulder n i dnt wana meet him.. all i feel for him now is hatred & nuthn else. He made it easier for me with his behaviour & words, i dnt regret losing him or feel the pain of not havin him in my life. I try to hate him more each passing day. Wenever i feel weak, I remember him being with his wife n it eases my pain. He truly deserves her & not me. I pray to lord to give me the strength to move on & keep me strong. I dnt wana look back agn now. At least not for the kind of treatment that he gave me!

  • Rhea

    Its 7 weeks since my married man and I have spoken. As if we never existed, he is able to move on from me. The coldness is staggering. I have stuck to my guns. I have not reached out but there are times, when I sit and think and I miss him. I am frustrated with myself. The pain is all so real and so present – all the time. It is getting better but the process is so slow. I am grateful that I don’t have to wait anymore for a text from him.

    If I reach out, there are a whole bunch of ways this could play out but what won’t happen is that he will not profess his love for me. Most likely, he won’t answer and he’ll be able to tell that I reached out. Even if I block my number, he’ll suspect that its me. And that will make his ego grow even bigger. If he does answer, he’ll probably be brief with me and leave me hanging. He used to do that when we dated. So I will be be left like a fool. If we ever speak again, I want it to be where I am fully healed and where I have no interest in being with him.

    We made so many memories together. I can’t seem to escape them. But I must!! My sanity and my survival depends on it. You see, I made a poor poor choice by deciding to have this affair and be letting it carry on for a year. So now, this is the consequence. Inner turmoil! I have to fill the hole that he left. ill it with other things. And I do. I do all kinds of things, but like a cancer, I carry him with me. How I wish I can cut him out from my soul. Free myself of this torture.

    I’ve tried to be more pleasant to my husband. I have initiated sex. But I lie there, lie a zombie and ache for my ex. I tell myself to keep going, keep initiating sex, keep communicating with my husband, keep working on my marriage. I go out with my friends, I go to the gym, I work. But deep in my soul is a heavy sadness. I hate him and I love him. He used me for his entertainment. And I was so vulnerable, that it was the perfect storm. And he discarded me, like garbage, when he had his fill.

    • lltcomet

      Rhea I completely understand your pain. I have been there. I know the coldness you are talking about. You must not reach out. It will harm you more. I know how painful it is. I am right there with you. He sounds like the very same married man I was in an affair with too. There are intense psychological and sexual and emotional games beneath tall he coldness believe me. This man is probably “unavailable” whether he is married or not. In fact I think so many people hide in their marriages. (I say this as a single woman). The marriage is always the excuse for the coldness and terrible abandonment and awful behavior. And the marriage is the excuse for the “cheating.” I have a feeling many of these men are hiding in what they call “unhappy marriages”. We women must get out because we are enablers when we are with them. We make their lies and bad behavior even more possible. And then we become the victims of all this negative behavior! They will suck the life out of us and rob us of any joy in life. This is not love. Celebrate your marriage and try to understand the forces that led you to the affair. But whatever you do, do not reach back out to the married man. You will get badly burned I promise you. I have done it myself many times before. I have gotten so burned I have hit the bottom emotionally. Now I have lit myself a candle, and I trying to let go and let God/dess. Because like any addiction, I am powerless over the married man. Go over to ‘go ask suzie’ dot com on the internet for some of the best help out there for people in our situation. Good luck! I am sending hugs to you. Try to hug yourself too!

      • Rhea

        IItcomet,

        Thank you for the encouragement. Yes, some men are “unavailable.” I remember when we had a fight, he insisted on ending our date; he always wanted to run away. I asked him if that’s his approach with his wife. Does he always sweep everything under the rug. I grew tired of his aloofness. One day he couldn’t get enough of me and after he’s had me, he pulls away. Who needs that kind of crumbs? I am not in any way a desperate woman. I am attractive, I have lots of friends and a career and children. I don’t need his garbage.
        I am trying to fill the hole with other activities.

    • Popo

      Rhea,
      Sounds like you are describing my relationship with my married man. Seriously! Day 4 of no contact. I know it won’t change. 11 months of my life-all meant nothing. The way you describe him Rhea – he really sounds like a narcissist. The fuel he gets from us by being cold. The silent treatment is a way of punishment. The Narcissist always needs us to beg- so guaranteed he is also suffering. I am reading a book now… ‘When love is a lie’ by Zari L Ballard. Please read it. Goshh you will start laughing and see through all the madness. Don’t feel like you are carrying a heavy burden around. Celebrate the fact that you have been set free from a narcissist. The sex with hubby will take time. Do not put yourself under pressure by over- initiating sex. Then its too much pressure. Just have good conversations and each day write what you appreciate about him. 7 weeks and counting…. One day you will wake up Rhea and realize that you are no longer counting…. Sending you love and hugs❤️

      • Rhea

        Thank you Popo. You are right to say that I should focus on communicating with my husband. There are some days when I am so strong and other days when I crumble. The mm didn’t deserve my love. Did his wife become sexy and alluring all of a sudden? Does she now call him baby, love and darling? I don’t think so. I think that he found another victim.
        I won’t feed his ego. I want him to suffer. I hope he lies in bed and aches for me.

  • Clair

    Day 5 with no contact and I honestly haven’t wanted to talk to him. The thought of him right now makes me nauseous and mad and I can’t stand the sight of his wife either. She makes me nauseous and mad to. They deserve each other. She’s mean and a you know what and he doesn’t respect her and most women in general. He hasn’t reached out to me either and I’m ok with that. A part of me wants him to just so I can show him how over him I am but I’ve never not texted him this long and I’m proud of myself. I’ve always been the one to run back or convince him to take me back but just remembering the last few weeks how he treated me has really helped me not to contact him. I have no plans to contact him. He doesn’t deserve to be happy and be “ok” but i can’t do anything about that. All I can do is worry about me. I have deleted him from all social media cause the less I know the better. I don’t want to know anything that he’s doing. Looking bad I don’t know what I saw I him. I guess the excitement and something different. He can honestly fall off the face of the earth and I don’t think I would even flinch.

    • lltcomet

      Claire you sound so strong! I am inspired by you! I have been feeling like if the married man in my life stubbed and broke his toe all I would do is laugh! I know it sounds mean but this man has taken me through the wash-rinse-spin cycle one too many times.

      • Clair

        Thank you! It’s took me 2 years to get to this point. Every time he would end it, it made me stronger each time I think and this last time just did me in. I really saw his true colors and I realized that I would not want to be married to someone like him. I just see bits and pieces of him and if I knew the real him I’m sure I would not like it. He’s a freak and a loser. My husband is 10 times the man he’ll ever be and I’m just the idiot that that has took my husband for granted the past two years. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that while the other one can go jump off a cliff.

    • Angelina

      I too get nauseous wen i think about him n his wife! I cant bear the sight of her either!! She is so so so bad looking! Dnt knw wat he sees in her.. i have not been keeping wel since 2 days, i even told him this, but that horrible man didn’t care to ask me the whole day how i was feeling.. one wud not do this to his enemy also, out of humanity we even ask our enemy if they r keeping well. Hes the worst human being in the history of mankind! m on the verge of a nervous breakdown.. i keep crying all the time n randomly break into tears! While hes happily hiding in between his wife’s legs! N then he says he LOVES me! Gosh, i just hate him n his wife! They make the ugliest couple!!

      • Clair

        What really pushed me over the edge was a week prior to us ending it, my son had his tonsils and adenoids removed. He knew how nervous I was and even saw him the day before his surgery and all he said was everything will be ok. The day of the surgery I didn’t hear one word from him. I finally texted him and said everything went ok. Even the days following he never asked how my son was doing or even how I was doing knowing how little sleep I was getting. I mean like he didn’t care one bit. That’s what really started showing me how little he cared. And yes his wife is not attractive and I don’t know what he sees in her cause she is not a nice person. Me and her are total opposites and I used to be jealous of her cause she got to have him anytime she wanted but now I say she can have him!

      • lltcomet

        Angelina I get it. I saw a pic on Facebook of the married man with his wife on Valentines Day. They looked totally happy and she had drawn red hearts all over the image of the two of them sitting really closely at a restaurant with her hand on his knee. UGH! It felt like a knife went through my heart. I got so nauseous that I threw up. So this was the “unhappy marriage” he was complaining about? GRRRRR But ever since then I have also been MAD. That picture really was the wake up call for me. I got the image and I have it on my computer for when I get tempted to reach out to that scumbag. Even if that image was pure bullsh-t I realized the MM was always going to play at being “the happily married man for his own ego. And woe to any female in his life either his wife or me the affair partner! I told him he on numerous occasions “I don’t get it. You and your wife seem happy together? Help me to understand you. Why do you think you need an affair with me?” He said about the relationship with his wife: “All that glitters is not gold!” HA!
        Guess what? I was so gullible to believe that crap. The married man is always going to want to have his cake and eat it too as I long as he can find a gullible woman like me to enable his fantasies. I so wish I could tell her sometimes but everything I have read says NOT to do this for a variety of reasons. Better just to close the door forever and walk away with my head held high. Farewell my fake ‘friend’!

  • Popo

    I AM SO MAD… Found out (through some social media investigations) that my married man dated a young 23 year old for 7 years until she was 30. It ended in 2015. We started our relationship in May 2016. I knew about the 7 year relationship but not that she was that young. He lied to me that she was the same age as me. I am 4 years older than her. He was 9 years older than her. Puke. She was a child who worked for him and he took advantage.
    I almost sent a text in rage. Then remembered… Its just my ego. What good will possibly come out of me texting or letting him know that I know.

    First rule of the ego is never deceive yourself second rule is; you are the easiest person to deceive. Because we can’t justify it to ourselves, the mind finds reasons – oh I am contacting him because of xxx. There will always be reasons.

    Again… I sat on my hands and asked God to take the craving away… Still counting. Day 2 No Contact. The first days are the hardest. It gets easier ladies…..

      • lltcomet

        indeed, yes they lie as a way of life. Imagine that poor girl: 7 years, her best years to find a mate (the 20’s) wasted with a lying married man. Popo you are lucky and very smart to cut it short so much sooner!

  • lltcomet

    I have been on the “married man” train off and on with the same guy for many years. What do I have to show for my efforts, my loyalty? Nada. I finally realized my MM was treating me the same exact way he has always been treating his wife: Like crap!! He is an unkind and selfish man to women. Period. I was always ready to be there for him to help him make for himself and for his odd choices and behaviors. (I was a co-dependent) And I always thought what we had was somehow “different” than what he had at home with his wife. But that was all a lie.
    She probably works her ass off to please him for all I know. But for this man, there is never enough love, never enough attention, never enough adulation, never enough sex. I could not see this clearly before because I was so “mesmerized” and hypnotized” by him and by our brief times together. I thought we had something so beautiful and so special. Nope. I have crash landed into reality but I am grateful to finally see the truth. My MM is not the “victim” of a “so-so” marriage and an “inattentive” wife. That was a flat out lie or exaggeration at best. Why I chose to believe this lie and why I chose to see him as a victim (and to “help” him) and our is something I am still working out. For one I am on the gullible side; for two, I believe he is a classic narcissist and super charming when he wants to be. And he is a great liar. But, no matter really. What matters now is I stay must away from him. I must continue to see the truth for what it is. He says he wants me “around” but that actually means for the possibility of sex and no other reason. This is a red flag. No can do. I now think that any man who can straight up lie to his woman at home is bad news. I no longer care if they argue or not, make love or not, celebrate Valentine’s Day together or not because he is showing me clearly he is a good liar. He looks another woman straight in the eye and lies. And his “life partner” no less. This is a huge red flag and I realize I missed it. I wish I had never participated in this lie to myself and to another woman. But no more!

  • Anne

    Well here I am again, sounding like a broken down record at this stage, but even though it is and has been only online, bar meeting once a year for last two years, I have finally broken the contact and at a very difficult time too for him.. he continues to contact me once or twice a week with the usual text on how beautiful I am to him and how he misses me etc etc etc… I was getting stronger by the weeks and then wham.. he text me to let me know his Dad had just passed away, and I automatically got completely and utterly sucked right back in again, only to be hung up on and literally blanked the following day… strange thing is he wanted for me to go and meet him, even knowing I had a few beers on me and didn’t even care that I could have crashed driving long distance to see him at an ungodly hour of the night too.. when am I going to learn? I told him that I am sorry and that I apologise to him and I apologise to God for having any contact with him knowing full well he is married and that I am not ending all contact for us both to get on with our lives.. I know full well I will get responses and feel bad for him that I’m not there for him, on the days leading up to his Dads funeral.. but shudnt it be his Wife that he should be confiding in and being consoled by.. he does not say anything bad about her either and they have a small child too. He keeps on asking me if I am worth it to walk away from his marriage and I cannot answer that nor would I… he says he even told his Dad about me a few weeks ago when they were having a heart to heart and his sister and brother also.. this made me feel uncomfortable as if it leaked out we were talking his Wife would end up finding out.. please any amount of advice would really help me right now, I really need it, thanks. PS this is not the first time Ive cut contact I do it all the time.. is it a habbit? do I really love him? or is it all just one big fantasy? as I’m separated only 16 months now, my choice was not happy.. please any advice welcome. and WHY can I not just block him?

    • hardtime

      I tried cutting contact but everytime he sucked me back in cause i could not bring myself to block him. This Sunday i dont know what got into me but I finally said dont contact me for 30 days. With in a few mins he messaged me back the word “done” and blocked me off facebook. That hurt me. I am still hurt but when the time come you will be able to block him if you get the strength do it at the moment. I was lucky enough i had confided in a friend and when I was about to send the message I called her and she was on the phone with me the whole time. This I have wonted to do since January and just got the strength this Sunday. You will do it when your ready but the sooner the better. I am here if you need to talk

      • Anne

        Hi hardtime! and thanx for your support I really appreciate and very well done on blocking him. I’m also now on day 2 of no contact yet again. I’ve blocked him, unfriended him, deleted him from phone and deleted the apps from phone etc numerous time over the past year or so but always cave in in the end and unblock him, re add to phone etc. I’m also the only one ever to cut ties and have even managed 2 months at a time a couple of times now. I just need to keep the momentum going now as it’s literally driving me crazy having to check my phone every five mins for updates that are obviously just a fantasy for him anyway. These married men treat us as their fantasy and we serve one purpose only and that is to massage their egos. Shame on them and furthermore shame on us for even allowing them! We are not showing our self worth at all when we really should be just walking away from these rats with our heads held high with self respect!! That’s where I’m headed for now, who cares to join me?

    • Angelina

      Anne, I can totally understand wat u r going through coz m in the same ship as u! I keep having these roundabouts with this married man.. but trust me, we as women r too emotional n giv them all the love, attention, care, trust, (and even gifts) more than wat they deserve! N wat do we get in return? Only pain, jealousy, insecurity, torture, n as sum1 here rightly said, crumbs! Thats the case with ur guy as well, u giv him attention n that boosts his ego so thats y he doesnt want to let u go. But at the same time for emotional support n social security he needs his wife as wel! Trust me, hes never gona disturb his family for u no matter watevee he says to u! I hav been experiencing all this, so can understand clearly..my mm doesnt say anythin bad abt his wife either n wen i say anythn agnst her he cant listen to it! On the contrary he starts fighting with me n tel me to show respect towards her! How does he expect me to respect her wen he’s direspecting her by havin an affair, n am helping him in that!! He says that he has kept that life SEPARATE! He tells me that he doesn’t want us to disturb our families n yet be together!! I dnt think this is EVER EVER possible.. men can be ok with this kind of arrangement but women r emotional, possesive, attached, n not happy with the idea of the one who they love goin to another women everyday., dnt think abt wat all u miss abt him, but just remember the times u felt insulted or ill-treated.. hatred makes it easier to move n dats wat m doin., i try to hate him more each day & only think abt the times wen i was alone n he was havin a nice romantic night with his wife! Since u r the one who ended with him, u hav an upper hand here, its better than he dumping u! Just b firm on ur decision n wait for the guy who’s ready to commit to u in long term!

      • Anne

        Hi Angelina thanx for your reply. I agree with every single word you say. Sometimes I feel I’m actually in a trans when I get sucked back into his nonsense again but it is as you put it a merry go round that we are on. I am no longer going to allow myself to be treated like thus plus I revalue my morals too. I have actually said sorry to him and to God for ever getting involved on any level with a married man at all. Let’s hope now this is the end of it and the beginning of a well awaited fresh start for all of us on here. This site is really helping so much. Thanx ladies. Wish you well x

    • Aria

      Anne,
      Just block him. Married men will come back to you if you let them cause it’s just a game for them. Just another taste to have.
      Let your self free

  • Shiv

    Hi All,
    It’s been a few days since I left a post and I really thought the dynamic with my married man had changed.. Over a week ago I had it out with him over how bad he had previously treated me and he apologised and promised things would change and that he had seen the error of his ways etc etc .. so he actually was great for nearly over a week calling everyday , messaging me telling me he loved me this was also a time when he was either at work and his wife was at work . But promise he would make a greater effort at home even just to send the odd text because we used to be in constant contact before his wife previously found out about us … she now thinks it’s completely over between us and we haven’t spoken in months .. but anyways the other night I didn’t get a message off him and then next day he was really odd and said he needed to talk to me on the phone … he explained that his wife’s family had surprised him and his wife with a vacation overseas…. I do doubt this because firstly it’s a very expensive holiday for a family member to pay for and I don’t think you would just spring this on someone. My initial reaction of course was upset and jealousy because I want to be the one going on a holiday like that… but worst of all he was like it will be hard to contact … now my thoughts on this if you care enough and if he truly loves me even if it’s hard he will .. he promised to message everyday he is gone for 10 but I cannot reply and one call … but like eveyother promise I believe for now because I want to believe so much he will do that while he is away but I know there will be disappointment and excuses why he couldn’t contact like he said he could .. and I also failed to mention just last week he needed to borrow some money because his car broke down and yes I gave it to him but deep down I don’t think his car broke down I think I subsidised his first week of holidays because i know he gets paid next week..why when I know all this can’t I let go ..I am so low at the moment … i definitely have more bad days then good due to this relationship… but it’s like I’m addicted to the high even though there is very few …I want to say it’s done but I don’t have to strength to walk away … or if I said it was done I would want him to fight to get me back but I don’t think he would … I known actions speak louder than words …’I just want him to make me happy … not because i ask him to but because I matter…!but I’m feeling very doubtful that I actually mean anything to him at all at the moment because we had a big fight before he left and I’m so low … I hate that he has this power over me … I keep reading some of your comments over and over to find strength from them but any other advice would help so much .

  • Popo

    Ladies. Thanks for sharing your stories.
    I’m struggling today. After a few weeks of knowing for sure we are headed for the end- I think its finally here. But I’m scared to let go – I can’t. Don’t know why.
    We were chatting yesterday and suddenly he says hmmm not feeling your chats today. He then says things have changed he doesn’t wake up looking forward to my messages he replies only to avoid further questions or begrudgingly so. I asked him… ‘How come things are perfect in person and when we make love ‘ He says its true he still feels the same in person he doesn’t know what happened.
    I have been going through the painful addiction cycle with him…Attraction-Satisfaction-Rejection-Begging-Reconcilation. Emotionally, I am so tired of fighting for him. He broke up with me so many times, one time he said I’m a flirt, another I’m lying to him about not sleeping with my husband (i was), he doesn’t trust me….

    I told him I’m addicted to him he said no its not an addiction its a habit. Huh
    So he basically said he wants friendship with me not a love relationship. He can’t let go coz he loves our friendship. He wants a relationship he says we talk when we do and when we don’t talk we don’t. I remembered Rheas line here and told him that I’m going to open my hand release you and let you fly away unscathed while my heart bleeds. He said thanks for understanding. Imagine -no begging nothing.
    Then after an hour went back and said to him I’m willing to try that ‘no expectations’ arrangement. He always says I am too needy. He says his wife and people that have known him for years understand that he is an introvert and doesn’t like talking or replying to messages all the time. He gets his energy from internal not from other people like me. I said to him I can tone back and give it a try. I however kept thinking – I would also understand and would not care about you not responding or introverted if you were my husband.. Besides, he once gave me so much more when we started 11 months ago. He didn’t reply. I said I would try and tone back because was thinking… I do that then hurt him instead. Get pregnant with my husbands child (through ivf). Husband and I also have a holiday coming up…. Don’t know why that is so important to me. Why can’t
    This man has robbed me of my life the last 11 months. I’m ALWAYS thinking of him. I am no fun to my friends, family even my daughter. All I think of is him. All I want to talk to is him. I’m always so grumpy. The only time I’m happy is right after I’ve spoken to him or right after I’ve seen him. In between I’m either upset that he’s ignored me or he cancelled.

    I love him so much. Even addicts think they love Heroine. Can not remember being this much in love. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what’s happening to him. I have deleted his texts. I keep looking at his wifes instagram thinking what does he see in her… She is not even cute but I know I have to stop.

    Worst part is I can’t talk to anyone about this. Noone knows. My husband looked at me this morning shook his head and said My gawd… You look troubled… Wish there was a magic way out of this. Wake up and all the pain is gone. Everything around me reminds me of him -even my own house.. Thats because I have carried him in my heart and he has haunted me for so long….

    • Angelina

      Popo, I really feel sad to read how u hav been feeling.. but it seems all u hav been doin is compromise! To hav this man in ur life u decided to settle for the crumbs! U deserve a lot more than this dear! If hes not willing to respect u or value u, move out of it! I remember ur advice abt leavin the pathetic old married man whom m datin n i did exactly the same! M nt happy with this kinda arrangement where he has me as a filler n his wife as a permanent solution! Even u shudnt.. n i luv wat u said abt “what does he see in her” 😂😂 tel me abt it! I keep digging out his wife’s pics on Facebook n i keep thinking the same! Atleast m relieved that i no longer hav to see her ugly pics!! 😝😜 jokes aside.. reconciling with him is only a short term solution but he wil never ever commit to u! Just coz heroin can giv u pleasure for a moment, u cant ignore the damage its gona coz in the long run! U r strong, n u dnt need any drug to keep u moving!

  • Hardtime

    I finally did it, told him not to contact me!!! within mins he said done and blocked me on facebook!! I thought he might of said i will miss you or something but no that is it. I feel great for doing it but said I am losing a friend. I have not stopped crying. but why I gave up someone that was not mine and did not really care (although he said i was one of his best friends why could he block me so easy) Now how to get thorugh the next days we would say good mornign or hope you have a good day every day or every other day. How do you get through a breakup up with a married man, its for the best i know but my heart hurts.

    • Popo

      Hardtime
      It will be fine. You do not get over something like this you get through it. With pain yes, Step by step…minute by minute.
      Everything in life the universe gives us is a gift. Some gifts hurt like hell others a pleasure yet…. All a gift.

    • Aria

      Hard time
      Of course your hearts hurt, of course you will have hard time sad days find your self crying and many other things but you gonna be alright
      Well no one said doing a right thing is easy
      You went wrong Road you chose wrong person
      You’re hurt and this pains need time to be healed but congratulations for you
      Finally you do the right thing. You will feel ten times better because at least you end it.
      But be strong and take the pain and try to be kind with your self.

    • Angelina

      I did that too.. for the Nth time! he also said the same thing.. “Ok”.. i dnt knw wat happens to me that i keep ending it with him every week n thn agn go back to him!! Y cant i make a firm decision.. probably by now he also knws its temporary coz by now he wud hav called bak to bak n kept on msgin.. i hav become a joke now! Hope i sustain it this time! I do miss him n its really heart battering, but i think in long run its better than feeling jealous n irritated weneva he spends time with his wife, ignores me, hangs up on me, gives a cold shoulder wen i plan surprises for him, piercing my heart thinkin hes havin sex with her, fighting with myself to prove m much better than his wife, tracking thm on social networks, n moreover, risking my own marriage for him!

    • Freedfromprison

      My phony relationship with married man also ended a week ago but we mutually agreed to move on and set each other free. I think in some respects it gave me a fair amount of closure. In your case his ego took a beating when you dumped him so he had to act all indifferent and stoic. I understand the feeling of loss, sadness and despair. I mistakenly picked up a teddy bear he gave me and couldn’t stop sobbing. It’s so frustrating to experience sadness when you know it was a toxic, dead end situation. Not much gained and even less lost. Still…. hurts like hell.

      Try to be proud of yourself for taking the initiative and doing the right thing for yourself. I believe you’d feel much worse if he called it quits. One day at a time and know this too shall pass. Give yourself time and love. Deep clean your home, spruce up your place with new decos, rearrange furniture. Try sage cleansing your aura and your home. Get into a workout routine if you aren’t already active regularly. You’ll feel better physically and emotionally. Maybe get a massage, new haircut, makeover. Stay busy with friends and loved ones. Allow yourself time at the end of the day to cry, release, grieve and most importantly practice self-love. I’ve also been seeing a therapist for the last couple months and he helped me to come to a healthy decision. I wish you and all the people here happiness and healthy love.

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    Great news ladies!!! Ive been set free!!! The married man ended it…Im okay with the decision…I was about to end also….but he did first….now time for me to love myself once again….and love the lord!

    • Popo

      Mine too. Looks like they are reading the same memo. Struggling! He told me his feelings are not the same. He wants me around but not to talk about love…

      • lltcomet

        You do NOT have to hang ‘around’! For what? This It is not only all about him. It is about you! And your needs too!

    • Clair

      This was me last week. He had been treating me bad and I had just had it and I said do I need to walk away and he said yes. I’m ok with it to cause I honestly think I’ve had enough. This has happened in the past but it’s different this time. I’m not hanging on or hoping he’ll text me. I honestly want nothing to do with him at the moment.

  • Chris

    I’m sending prayers and love to all of you. I know that things will change for you and that one day your hearts willl be mended. Keep faith that this situation will turn around the blessing of God will manifest in your life. I know some of you are holding on to shame and guilt, and possibly punishing yourself bc you feel as though you’ve done something wrong. Don’t! Let it grow. Through every struggle there is growth and we don’t have to live our lives in the valleys or shadows. Keep pressing on and writing to one another or yourselves. Journaling has really helped me through this process. Remember someone out there loves and needs you in their lives even if it’s not him.

  • Angelina

    Why do i make the same mistake!! Y do I expect anything from him!! I stated before that he never does anything to make me feel special, or give me any gifts! On the contrary i keep giving him surprises n gifts!! I hav spent so much on him, wen he earns 10 times more than me!! He only keeps buying gifts for his wife n son.. wat hurts the most is that i go out of my way to make him feel spcl all the time, n his reaction is so plain, so cold.. i never heard a word of gratitude from his mouth! NEVER! He never told me that he liked it! Today agn i did sumthn, n as usual, he gave me a cold shoulder! As if his wife does all that for him all the time!! Such a thankless b*****d he is!!! 😡😡😡

    • Popo

      Angelina
      I understand. The only way is to stop with the gifts or the relationship. The peace will be better and in the long run you will be better off. My married man is the exact same. Its hard. Ending it is hard. Staying in it is hard. There is no way out of this but pain…. I’m at my absolute lowest today. He finally told me he doesn’t feel the same way. I wish I had more strength to give but need some myself.

      • Angelina

        Popo, wish u get all the strength to deal with this! At the same time, i wish to knw how r u dealing with this?? I have tried ending it multiple times but i cant survive the pain! Hav tried doing everything.. meditation, prayers, travel, spend time with family, friends, movies, clubbing!! Everything! But notjing works n i keep thinking abour him & track him on social networking sites.. how did u succeed?

      • Khloe

        Been reading all your comments last night. It’s so refreshing to read posts with no judgment. Just understanding. Week 1 too of no contact. It is so hard. But reading all your comments gave me comfort that I’m not alone in this journey. Ours was not an affair. It was purely fun. Until I fell in love. Wow, that’s the first time i wrote that down and admitted to myself. We keep trying to be just friends but the text messages turned from friendship to sexual and we couldn’t stop. It’s been going on for 4 yrs. We dont say we lvoe each other. I told him I just want to be friends last week. He said ‘all good’. Then why does it hurt damn it.

    • Popo

      Angelina
      Said this to Shiv. Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle helped me. A LOT. Please read it. Noone can deliver you really. It requires a tremendous amount of awareness, presence of mind and discipline from you. You have to put in the work. Honestly its not easy -easier said than done. Think of it this way… You really have no choice but to let go for good unless you are resigning yourself to a life of misery. Like me you are lucky you have a husband. I have been loving my husband like you won’t believe since my No Contact. Sending him kisses, love… He replies instantly with love and kisses…. I pathetically begged for this from mm. Imagine. I look at this now with my husband and I’m like this is so easy- this is true love. Last night I even started feeling a few butterflies for hubby. Its a miracle I tell you. Affairs are like broken glasses- you cannot see clearly… even the image of yourself is distorted. You think you love mm but you don’t. You look at yourself and you are in tiny pieces. Put yourself back together girl. Take charge of your life. True love is not clingy. It’s secure. Its not what you are going through now. All the best…..

      • Angelina

        Its day 2 n i feel even worse! I had a terrible heart pain yesterday. I haven’t been eating or sleeping properly. To top it up, am havin different set of problems with my husband., we keep fighting all the time.. its been more than a month that we even made love, he doesn’t feel like coming close to me dnt know y! M stil the same.. young, charming, beautiful (atleast guys say so) but my husband has been maintaining distance with me.. so on one hand my marriage is goin thru problems and on the other hand m heartbroken on my lover’s loss.. n this mm is living his life normally.. dropping his kid to school, pickin him up, partying, enjoying life with his wife, dropping her to work, moreover, putting happy display pics! My heart burns wen i see him happy! U wer right, it cant b love for sure else i wudnt b jealous of his happiness.. i wudnt wish bad for him or his wife, but I really really want her to either die or leave him for another man.. i wud hav been happy seein him happy if I really loved him but m not! If m not happy in my life i dnt want him to b either! But i dnt discuss my marital problems with him coz he wil get ego boost instead i talk only good things abt my husband n how much he luvs me.. i try to make him feeel jealous but that has no reaction at all on him!!

  • Chris

    This evening was difficult for me. I found myself crying for the first time. I think it was because I’ve been busy and today my time was free and there was time to think about him. I asked him to give me distance last week and he agreed. There’s a part of me that wants him to check on me although I asked for space. I know that this feeling will pass. I have removed myself from coming into contact with him by leaving the gym and distancing myself from mutual friends. I know each day I’ll get stronger and will be free from this feeling.

    • Jenny

      I can totally relate. I’m busy during the day and don’t think about it much. At night I fall apart. I’m married myself, 2 young kids, and ended my affair exactly 1 month ago today. Not because I wanted too, but because he was very Hot and Cold and everything was on his terms. We have been on no contact the entire time. Sometimes I wish he would reach out to me but it never happened. I’m to proud to reach out to him, but I k ow it’s for the best. Hang in there girl… you are not alone… hugs

      • Chris

        Thank you! I’m feeling much better today. I’ve been writing empowerment notes and letters to myself. I know that I’m better than this situation and he or anyone can’t control how I feel but me. I’m ready to stand tall and walk out into the world with my head high. I may actually see the married man tonight at a party with mutual friends and I have vowed to myself not to allow his presence to alter my mood and even entertain the idea of sleeping with him. This process isn’t going to be long and painful as I thought bc I dictate what I want for my life and how I feel. I survived this short chapter in my life and stand taller than the day before. I’m happy that you have been able to keep your distance. Things will get better for you as well. God bless!

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    As anybody ever thought maybe the reason why these married men become distant is because they’re seeing other women? If they can cheat on their wives, they can definitely do it to us…

    • Rhea

      You’re absolutely right! My married man was cheating or trying to cheat on me. I found a message on his phone from another woman, calling him handsome. He was supposed to meet up with her but she cancelled on him. So then I began to pull away. Told him I didn’t want to be on his rotation. He confessed – told me he was supposed to meet another woman but that it was cancelled. And because I was blind, I continued with him.

      • Popo

        Finally decided to walk away. Each day I justify staying with him is each day of intense pain and agony. I am yearning and longing for him so bad… To just grab my phone and send ‘one last text’….but instead I am going to sit on my hands and beg God to take away the addiction…. I have to stop causing problems for myself when I stop then I will stop causing problems him having always the feeling that he must always talk to be

    • Amber

      I’m actually feeling the same way. My married man ended it with me a month ago. Said his wife was sick and he needed to be by her side now. Feel totally broken and feel like it was a lie so he could meet someone else after almost 2 years seeing one another. Anyone else have this happen?

      • Rhea

        Amber,
        Yes, mine told me that he wanted to work things out with his wife because she wanted to reconnect / reconcile. So the moment she wants to make the relationship work, he drops me like I’m a hot potato. But for the last year, when I comforted and loved him, I was all he wanted. I don’t buy that story. This married man wanted out. This relationship was fun for him but he knew it had an expiration date. I was naïve and allowed myself to fall for him. I wanted an experience too. I should have slept with him once or twice and give him the boot. That way I would have had my experience and I would have kept my heart in tact. You live and you learn.

    • Clair

      Yes! Of course my guy said he never did but honestly I would not want to be married to a man like him if you think about it. It’s not necessarily the woman he’s married to. He would probably cheat on anyone he’s in a committed relationship with. I don’t think he can help it cause I know I’m not the only woman he’s had an affair with. But I don’t feel bad for his wife. If your connected with your husband your going to know something is off and she either has to be guilty herself or just a plain idiot to be perfectly honest with you. So of course they would cheat on us to.

  • Clair

    After 4 days I’ve finally talked to my married man but from me texting him. I texted him yesterday and he didn’t reply but did this morning. He said he stressed from work and at home and that he was sorry. He said he wants to make me happy but knows he’s not and it bothers him. I told him maybe I need to walk away so he won’t feel like he needs to worry about me . He said he was sorry and I asked do you want me to walk away? And he said yes. I said ok. Of course I said my peace and I said goodbye. That was this morning and this afternoon he sent me a text and said I know I’m the last person you want to talk to me just be careful tomorrow with the weather. I just wanted to tell you personally. (we are supposed to be having bad weather in my area). I said I guess you do care a little don’t you? He said don’t ever doubt that. He confuses the crap out of me but I’m honestly not upset right now. I’m ok to walk away. I know I’ll miss him but I don’t deserve how he treats me regardless him being stressed or not.

    • Chris

      Don’t fall for his trap. He’s trying to show gestures of concerns bc he’s not willing to let you go but he’s not willing to give you what you want either. What does he need to inform you about the weather when we have so many media outlets that can keep you informed. It’s a trap!! You have to consider what you need in this situation and for your life. I’m struggling with this as well but I’m grateful for this platform where women can come together and support one another.

      • Clair

        Chris,

        Exactly! Why would he feel the need to tell me about it after he said he wanted me to walk away?? This morning I spoke my piece to him and he said he was sorry and I didn’t deserve how he’s been treating me. I’m really ok right now. I think I’ve just had enough but it’s been like this before. I feel like he probably will text me again but I’m different this time. I’m just mentally exhausted.

      • Chris

        Great! I’m glad to hear you’re doing ok. That’s better than feeling down and out. You’re giving me hope.

    • SoInLove

      You’re right, you don’t deserve that at all. And these married men are very confusing. How hey can treat us the way they do I’ll never understand. I’m glad you are feeling ok. It’s your hearts way of telling you that you are going to be ok and get through this.

      Heartbreak in any form is hard, but keep telling yourself you’re doing what is absolutely best for you.

      • Clair

        SoInLove,

        I’m still feeling ok with everything. It just makes me mad because I had like a page of stuff I said to him and I was nice and mean about a few things and all he said was I wish the best for you to and I’m sorry how I’ve treated you. You don’t deserve that. After 2 years that’s all your going to say??? I told him I know there would be days where I missed him but when I do I’m going to go right back to this time and remember how I felt and how much he has hurt me. He makes me so mad. I think when you finally have had enough you get mad instead of hurt. I hope if and when he does text me again I will be stronger and not believe his crap.

  • Angelina

    How do you handle it when u know ur married man is still having sex with his wife? It just kills me when i imagine them together! I cant handle it!!! Once i went mad at him coz of this but he clearly told me we shouldn’t ask each other abt this and we should give each other SPACE! He told me he cant stop it with her!! :'( :'(

    • Chris

      First stop calling him “my married man” he’s not yours. He’s legally and spiritual bound to another woman. He’s going to sleep with his wife bc he has to maintain his life regardless of your feelings about it. To be honest he may enjoy being with his wife. Be honest about what you want from him. You have to be realistic bc expecting a married man to stop having sex with his wife is impossible.

    • Clair

      Angelina,

      I had a hard time with this to. Of course he would tell me when he was with her he would think about me and all that. The guy I was seeing used to tell me sometimes when he was going to have sex with her and made sure he told me he would be thinking of me! I mean really??!!! What a idiot. They don’t care. But there are some men that are not cheaters and actually respect women. My guy did not respect me at all. Me getting mad and fed up with it all has really helped me a lot this time. And when I said this time I mean one of many breakups we’ve had. But this time its different. I’m ok with walking away.

  • Angelina

    I need advice.. ladies, plz plz plz tell me how do i end things with my married man? I wish i had never crossed the boundary of my marriage and got myself into this.. life was perfect for me.. good career, loving husband, such nice parents & inlaws.. dont know what was missing in my life that i put myself in this mess..hes quite elder to me, father of a kid & married for over 10 yrs now.. and i am young, recently married to my childhood sweetheart.. i had everything one can ever ask for.. i only made my life complicated by falling in this trap.. things were stil under control and i never thought of leaving my spouse for him, but once we had sex, i became insecure n possessive about him.. i cant stand his wife’s presence in his life.. i started havin fights with him every 2nd day coz of this..hes clear abt the fact that he cant ever marry me, but i want to.. i feel if we love each other thn we shud b together n not cheat on our spouses.. but hes happy this way.. we came closer, went on holidays n stayed together weneva my husband was out of town.. all this made me more possessive abt him.. i love him from core of my heart, went out of my way to make him feel spcl, though he didnt do much for me (no presents or surprises for me which every girl desires!) i tried so many times to cut off with him, so many times i told him its over n we wud spend days without being in contact, but i realized that i m stuck in a swamp, the more i try to get out of it, the more i sink deep inside! I feel a weird pain in my heart n go breathless wenever i try to break up with him! I hav realized theres no way out of it! I dnt wana lose my husband, coz the day he gets to knw abt this, he wil throw divorce on my face & i wont hav anywhr to go! My parents wont accept me n this man wont leave his family for me, this he made clear from day 1! He says he loves me a hell lot thn y cant he b with me? I wana come out of it but like a drug its killing me slowly n i cant even liv without it! Tell me wat to do plz ladies…

    • Rhea

      Angelina,

      I understand exactly what you say when you talk about this thing feeling like a drug. It is. Your brain has become addicted to this illicit affair. It’s evil that appears glamorous.

      You have to dig yourself out. Pull yourself out. Drag one foot in front of the other to move on. It’s been 6 six weeks since my mm dumped me. Our breakup was not hostile. I cried and told him I love him (for the first time in a year) and he said he loves me too (that part I don’t believe). I have to be honest. Everyday is difficult. I’m not crying all day but at least once a day. I work, I smile, I carry on but my heart is heavy. I wish the pain would leave me. I sit next to my phone at work and watch it. He must be in his office, I wonder. A phone call away. I can still hear his “hello.” But what will I get if I do that? Pain, more pain, new pain and humiliation. I’m angry at myself that I fell into this trap. It is a trap. Get out now.

      There is hope and healing for you. You have to believe that there is life after this because there is. It will be hard as hell. I am so kind to myself because I know that I am fighting a battle everyday to stay strong. The worst thing is to disappoint myself and I won’t do that.

      Every morning, I take care to make myself up. I walk with my head high even though my heart is broken. I don’t have a choice. I am fighting to survive. This is my life and my future and there is nothing for me with him. My marriage is still not great and I am grieving the loss of my lover. But I am still grateful that I was able to come out of it without my husband or family finding out. At least I have a chance to make my situation at home peaceful and bearable.

      The way to end this thing is to just end it. No contact at all. None. It’s the most painful way but its the most effective way to get you to heal. It will take months, maybe years but every day that you wait for someone to give you crumbs, you’re wasting one day that you’ll never get back.

    • Popo

      Angelina
      Whatever you do… do not leave your husband. I am sober enough to know that I would choose my husband over him any day. Listen… you don’t love him, you just love the idea of being in love…. you have made it all up in your mind. It’s a fantasy. The ego in you will never be satisfied. Every time he goes to his wife, the ego dies a little. And the ego is scared of dying.
      Make peace with the fact that nothing in life is permanent, you can’t hold on to him or anyone else or anything. It’s all impermanent. Life is ephemeral. We will at some point lose EVERYTHING we have ever held dear… husband, money, children…. everything..
      I am in the same situation. My husband and I are actually busy on IVF and I’m doing this-pathetic! He doesn’t know (part of my revenge plan-I am gon tell him I am pregnant then dump him-BUT WHY IM I EVEN THINKING THAT). I also get no gifts. I buy him loads of presents yet he earns 15 times more than me (not even exaggerating). Bottom line is this…. The only way out is through… you have to let him go… it will hurt like hell… boy! It will hurt but you have to let go and stop all contact. It will set you free.
      Last advice…Please Please – Do not leave your husband for this disgusting old married man.

      • Angelina

        Thank u rhea & popo.. i try to b strong, everyday i think of ending it with the married man, but when i see his pic on watsapp, i get carried away n numb!! 🙁

  • Hardtime

    Having a hard time and just need to put it on paper. I have told my story before: Married man and wife went through many IUI to get pregnant (over 15 trys) never thought it would happen…and it finally did. I need to distance my self and do no contact but cant bring myself to. He is off my phone but still on the dreaded facebook. We were long time friends before any of this start but its been over 6 years. I need to break up with my married man but cant bring myself to do it. Any ideas how i can? He will not talk to me if I ask him too but I will miss it too much. I know i just need to break up with him but I can’t.

    • Chriss

      My heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine how hard it will be to break a six year relationship with someone you love. My recommendation is to get touch with yourself, take back your power and remember this part of your life will pass in time. You don’t have to suffer in this.

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    Its like all these married men read the same book….I swear we’re all dating the same married man…they give us all the love and affection in the beginning…but later on they start to treat us like crap…why is that? My married man still wants to be with me…but he doesn’t give me the same attention he used to…so im like why do you still wanna be here?! Smh…

    • hardtime

      sounds like me. Used to go to movies and lots of time together at least everyother week. We live2 hours away from eachother. Now once a month if that and out to dinner then wham bam thankyou. I need to stop it but nice when i do see hime we talk everyday need to stop that but cant

  • Chris

    Thank you all for creating this platform of healing and community. I recently broke things off with a married man last week. I felt myself becoming angry and resentful towards him. The presence of him angered me and anything he said pissed me off. Controlling my anger was something I struggled with in the past and I wasn’t about to allow that person to control my life again. He was my trainer at the gym and never promised to leave his wife. He told me that their relationship was built on business and making money together. There was no love. I conjured up in my own mind that I could be the one that provided the love and relationship to him while he made money with this woman. Naive! After we had sex for the first time after months of flirting and fooling around, he told me there were other women he was sleeping with, even some I knew from the gym. He considered me as a friend that he could tell his dirty secrets too and sometimes become intimate with. I was crushed. I wasn’t this woman who could separate my feelings this way. But I tried to make myself be ok with the arrangement because I enjoyed the sex and the company.
    I was lonely and loved the attention. He made me feel sexy which I’ve never really felt in my life. I tried to convince myself that it was ok and if I remained loyal enough to him I could at least be treated as his “girlfriend” and maybe even fall in love with me bc I was a “cool” chick. This situation only made me feel depressed. Now I’m sitting here at a wellness center in Negril, Jamaica doing everything to release this attachment to this man, praying, yoga, mineral baths, dancing, writing. you name it. I’m a little afraid I’ll give in and go back to the arrangement when I go back to the states. Before I came to Jamaica,
    I left the gym so I won’t see him anymore. I told him that I needed distance and he just said, “I’ll support you in whatever decision you made.” Even that stung a little.
    I guess I wanted him to fight harder for me but I know I have to let go. I have all intention to stay clear of him. I feel sad bc in the past year I’ve made some connections with friends at the gym but in order for me to separate I have to totally let everything associated with this man go. The silver lining is that I know once I get through this I’ll be free and empowered. I will have learned my lesson in dealing with unavailable men. I also realized that I have some Daddy issues I’m still working through. I hope this helps another woman and I’m open for encouraging words from some of you. Thank you.

  • Kelly

    I’ve just recently found this article and decided to read the comments. Wow. It’s been helpful to read all of the support and how challenging it is for everyone. I was in a 7 year long distance relationship with a married man and 7 years ago I broke it off. I didn’t speak to him for 5 years until one day he texted me. I asked him why he was contacting me. I wasn’t going down this road again. I already had the t-shirt. So then I would hear from him at Christmas etc. Two months ago my 7 year relationship with my live in boyfriend ended and what do I do…I start texting my married man! And just like that it’s back to the way it was and I even flew to see him last week for two wonderful days. I know, I know… It really is like an addiction. This time I’m not so naive but am still struggling. I told him I can’t do this again and that I won’t. He said he can’t leave “just yet” as his wife will clean out his bank account and he thinks things are happening too quick! “Too quick” are you friggin kidding me! I want to walk away but part of me is unable to, yet I don’t like how it makes me feel. It makes me feel ashamed of who I am and that’s a horrible feeling. I just told him that actions speak louder than words and that talk is cheap. He agrees but says he isn’t sure how long it will take…part of me wants to believe him, but is he just stringing me along again? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I need to keep coming back here to stay strong.

    • galwaygirl7

      When I read your posts I feel so inspired but as soon as I face reality again I’m back to the pathetic needy mess I have become over the last 2+ years. I wish I was strong enough to do what I know needs to be done and that is walk away but I don’t have it in me – I don’t understand myself anymore.

    • Clair

      Kelly

      I feel your pain. I’m in almost a 2 year long affair and it’s been off and on so many times and we both can’t seem to let each other go completely. It’s hard because we live In the same little town and we live like 7 min from each other. I don’t like who I am and I know I’m better off without him it’s just getting to that point of not caring. He doesn’t treat me right. He’ll ignore my texts and will go days before he will text me and it’s only when he wants to see me. He really doesn’t want anything to do with me other than that. How pathetic am I? Just know your not alone.

    • Tina

      Hi Kelly,

      Please don’t believe him. Actions DO speak louder than words. I had my mm stringing me along for months.

      I left him because I said I no longer wanted to be with a married man. I no longer wanted mere crumbs which he could spare quickly after work or even during work hours. I am worth more I said, I don’t want to hear from you again and deleted him/blocked him from every platform/messaging service.

      Two days later he reached out and said ‘I’ve ended it, I told her everything and I want to be with you, I’m just sorting out where I live and all of my bank accounts etc.’

      That was 3 months ago?! For 3 months he has been telling me they are broken up but just living in the same place for the child.

      I suddenly started to realise he hasn’t left her and nor will he ever, not when I am still in the picture.

      ‘You are lying’ I said, you haven’t left her, if you have then please show me some evidence. Nothing could be provided. I am going to walk away and delete you like I did before.

      He said he will come back to
      me when ‘things are sorted’, come back to me when he is able
      to give me all of himself. That day will not come I said. ‘I will prove you wrong’ he said.

      I have deleted him from my life,
      Finally!

      Kelly, leave the married man now. Deny him contact until he can prove himself to you.
      Don’t be strung along with words and platitudes!

      You are worth more.

      • Kelly

        Good for you Tina! I have to admit I’ve crumbled again but each time things change just that little but for me in that I’m realizing this isn’t where I want to be. I’m not there in my head just yet but I will be strong and I feel like that day is coming very soon. I hope you are staying strong. Sorry for my late reply. I just saw this.

  • Jenna

    Hi! I am just 20 and u got involved with a married guy who was working with me. Until I slept with him, he was the sweetest person to me.. But after that, he started taking me for granted.. He would meet me only to sleep with me..
    After a year long of contemplating, I broke up with him when he gave birth to his daughter. Because the guilt was immense that first his wife, now his child..
    I am strong headed so I moved on.. But two months later he started to threaten me saying that I am only his girl and that he would tell my new boyfriend.. He’s behaving like a complete psychotic.

    I talked to him and cleared out everything that I wasn’t happy with him.. And this is best for all of us.. And he understood.. But last night I saw that he got in touch with my sister. I just don’t know what to do.. What does he want from me? How can I totally forget about him? More than that I’m always scared that if my boyfriend gets to know about this, he might break up with me

  • Clair

    So I saw my married man a few days ago. Told him some concerns I had and said he understood. Well it’s been two days since I’ve talked to him and I’ve texted him both days with no response. Why do I keep doing this to myself? One of my concerns was him ignoring me. Well he’s still doing it. Another was treating me like a one night stand and he’s doing that.

    • Popo

      Thats me as well. Exactly. Would swear its same guy. I said its over- 2 days later we were back together and back to his old self.
      All the things…
      Me always the first to initiate conversation
      Weekend silence
      Scared of starting conversation have to have a topic
      Waiting for morning kisses and text. Disappointment if he doesn’t reply to me.
      Constantly blowing hot and cold. One day there is response the next nothing.
      Unexpected cancellations on appointments
      No Holidays away together
      Disappointed at his holidays away.
      Silence during his holidays away
      Always apologize when things are tense
      Always waiting on him
      Exhausting schemes to keep him. Boy! I am exhausted.
      Always scared of losing him

      All of this… Yet I cant let go. I am completely engulfed by this man. Its like a demon.

      • Clair

        Yes saw him last Tuesday, ignored me Wednesday and Thursday, finally Friday he responded and said I’m so sorry yesterday and Wednesday we’re just not good days for me. But I know if I hadn’t have texted him Friday I would yet to hear from him.

      • Rhea

        Popo,

        My God! This story sounds like mine. When you talked about schemes to keep a married man. I tried so hard to keep my ex-lover interested. I dressed up for this man like never before, bought lingerie, talked about interesting topics, followed politics, etc. In the beginning, he was crazy for me. Would text me and tell me that he can’t stop thinking about me; that my kisses still linger on his mouth; that he couldn’t sleep because I was on his mind. And once he had me hooked, the day after our meetings, he would send me a polite little text -“It was good seeing you yesterday.” And then I wouldn’t hear from him for days. I read and analyzed every word he said to me. We had broken up once before and I schemed to get him back. I reached out to him weeks later to inquire about a surgery. I wanted it to seem as if I wasn’t interested in him, just the info he had. I then sent him an email apologizing for having offended him. A week later, I told him I would in his area and asked him if he wanted to meet for a drink. I did that again a week later, and then he wanted me again. How exhausting. Why should anyone have to do so much work to keep a married man?

        So, this last time when he broke up with me, I told him that I won’t try to convince him to stay. I opened my hand and released him, allowed him to fly away unscathed while my heart bled.

        I am struggling. It’s almost 6 weeks and I constantly have to fight the urge.

      • Popo

        Rhea
        I had to laugh loud at your scheme – and cry at the same time. I did worse things. Pretending and lying that my husband is being abusive so he can protect me. Gosh…. Seriously my husband is an angel. Some of the things and schemes I’ve done are despicable! Like create whatsapps where its like my husband is shouting at me then screenshot to him when its all fake- even once sent a mail from my husband to him saying leave my wife -husband had no clue of course. The things I do now – I look at it and I am like…and I am like -Who am I??? I even let my 4 year old and him cute videos. Really! I have completely gone crazy! Follow politics exactly like you Rhea coz his wife is not very smart -she is a housewife. Then I have interesting topics to discuss with him.
        Whatever you do,don’t fall back please Rhea. I know my day is coming. I keep thinking this is the absolute last time -just need to see him one last time but I know that like an addiction, its a bottomless pit- will never be satisfied. You have done well don’t go back. Have you read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now?

      • Popo

        Rhea… and ladies…
        Whatever you do… please don’t ever go back to this man. I am suffering right now. We were supposed to meet today and he cancelled. I burst into tears… surely it’s all pain, both what you are going through and what I am going through. It’s a different kind of pain-disappointments him going to his wife, cancelling dates vs the pain of missing him…YET can tell now… THE PAIN OF LETTING GO IS BETTER . Do not go back… the problem (married man) cannot also be the solution. I am counting down… I know that my time is coming. I am dreading Easter-he is gon be without me…I keep thinking one last time but this is truly a bottomless pit of addiction…I WILL NEVER EVER BE SATISFIED. Yesterday I asked him and threw a tantrum to say at least send me morning kisses on messages… Guess what yesterday and today, HE SENT…I am still NOT satisfied. I am looking for something even I don’t know what it is. Eckart Tolle calls it the ‘pain body’ ‘ . Happiness is from within. No one can make me happy.
        Rhea….The exhausting schemes to keep him….Oh dear- mine are worse. Lied about my husband being horrible…lies and lies until I started believing them. Even lied that my 4year daughter loves him (no she doesn’t-she doesn’t know him). Meanwhile…. I am married to an angel of a husband.
        I am such a strong girl you guys.This man though…. He has literally broken me to pieces. He seems to always be angry at me-snaps, when I ask where he has been, why he is quiet. He is sooo rude! So spoilt! I am so weak right now it’s pathetic.
        Crying as I type this……

      • Angelina

        Me, and am sure all ladies in this situation can so relate to u! I also started schemin to get him..as if schemes to show m anyday n in all respect better n luvs him more than his wife were not enough, i started seeing my husband as evil and tel my mm how he ill treats & abuses me! He wud only show sympathy, nothing else! Infact i felt hes likin my misery coz that wud satisfy his ego as he wud appear as an angel in my life! So i started scheming to make him feel jealous.. i wud tel him how much my husband luvs me, stories of our weddin, dating & honeymoon, wud deliberately post my pics with husband on social network, so that HE sees them n feels jealous.. infact i wana hav a kid soon so that he feels jealous! I feel my life now revolves arnd making him feel jealous! But after reading all of u, it luks very normal;)

      • Rhea

        Popo,

        So sorry to hear about how devastated you are about him cancelling the date. These men have a horrible hold on us. We become people we don’t recognize. Get a hold of yourself and reclaim your power!!! Take it back from him! You gave him your power and your sense of peace. I am not claiming that this is easy to do. It has been 6 weeks since he ended it with me and not 1 hour passes without me thinking about him. I cried this morning. My heart is heavy and I miss him. When I think about never seeing him again, my heart aches. But it’s getting better. It really is. I have embraced this process. I knew that this was going to be incredibly difficult for me. And it is! There is no lying about that. But keep on moving. One day without him will turn into a week and a week into two months and then you’ll be at a month. Get control over your emotions. You can do it!

  • Sorrow

    I have been following this page for awhile due to the similar situation. I worked with a married man for yrs and became involved. I left my marriage with my daughter because of him but he ended it with me too because he was afraid of his wife finding out. Just the day prior, I told him I loved him and couldn’t handle all the hurt and he told me he would try not to make me feel that. However, the moment my ex husband found out, he turned and left. 2 months later told me that he no longer had any feelings for me…. this all ended a year ago. I can honestly tell you ladies that it was so hard. Working with this married man, looking after a young girl and facing the emotional abuse of my ex. My marriage was long over before I made the decision but it was still hard. I don’t speak to my married man and neither did he. He said he wanted to go back to before and pretend nothing ever happen.. I was broken , went through lotsa of therapies.. still , I m only half way there. I wanted to quit my work but I have a really good job . My heart still aches when I heard his voice down the corridor. I didn’t complain, didn’t get angry.. I just accepted it. I still live in that fantasy, remember those days.. but really, there are lies , theY are fake and hell. Ladies, leave now and be free…the only thing I gained was I m free of my toxic marriage.

    • Rhea

      Sorrow,

      And you’re free of that married man! It’s harder for you because you work with him and you have to constantly see him.

    • Carley

      I am right there with you. I have worked with a married man who pursued me quite hard and confessed his feelings for me once he learned I was going through a divorce. It lasted two months, He decided to leave his wife and I kicked my husband out for good finally. The day after he moved into his apartment he pulled back from me and is now going on a family vacation. I have to work with him and he is my boss. It is torture. Our offices are connected and every time I hear his voice, I want to scream! Now I am mourning the end of my marriage and a bad breakup all while working with this man who is now going on a family vacation 🙁

  • Sandy M

    Hi all, reading through all your positive and encouraging comments enlightens me. If I may share, I’m currently in similar situation as well. I’ve been seeing this married man since 2014. Just yesterday, he told me that life’s been hard, so he went back to his wife. It’s shocking, but, I can’t say much. I rant and rave at him, saying all sorts of negative things. I was and is still bitter at him. He’s insensitive and cold. However, I sent him an email, saying that I’m not going to deal with this anymore. I told him that I’m not thriving anymore in the stagnant environment that only full of lies, pain and unhappiness. He never responded. ( usual for him). Honestly, I’m heartbroken but all your stories gave me strength again to face this degrading situation.

    • Jenna

      It’s gonna be absolutely fine. You will find mental and emotional peace in a while(actually as soon as you want). Married men never care about how you’re feeling.. So let it go.. The sooner the better.

      I’m happy to know that you took the first and most important step of breaking up with him. Now stay strong. He might try to creep into your life again. Don’t let him, lady. Don’t. 🙂
      My Love and care.

  • Rhea

    It’s been over a month now that my married man ended it and I haven’t reached out. Yesterday, I was taking a friend to do a procedure at the hospital which was mere blocks away from where he lives. Although I know his address, I’ve never been around his place. So yesterday, I drove by his apartment. My heart was racing in my chest. I was scared he would see me. He knows my car well. The lights were not in. Then I felt pain. I was so irrational. I was thinking that he was out and about with his wife and kids enjoying his life.
    Today, on the way to work, tears rolled down my face. I thought about touching his face and about him enveloping me in his arms.
    Oh God, I know all the reasons why he is no good for me. I know that this – not being with a him or any other man who is not mine – is the best best decision for me. I had written some things about how he had treated me. Never enough time, always gotta run, etc. And ladies, I feel free that I don’t have to worry about what time he would text me. I am relieved all that is over. My brain knows that this is the best thing. I can see mental benefits from not having him. So, why, why do I ache like this at times? Can’t my heart get the memo that my brain wrote? Why is this addiction so hard to break? The grief comes like a wave and I have to tell myself to keep swimming and that it will pass.
    I am strong. I know that I am. And he is able to move on from me as if we didn’t exist. Didn’t I hold him and comfort him and love him when he needed it? Didn’t I excite him and make him feel young and alive? And yet, he can walk away and discard me like if none of it happened. How are married men capable of being this way. I have two ex-boyfriends in my past do this to me too. When things got tough, when I made demands or needed explanations for poor behavior, they left and just moved on. How can married men do this so easily and we can’t? What can be learn from them? Are we not being logical?

    • Kim

      I feel for you , I’m in the same confusing position. All I can say is that men are different, they are normally less emotional than us and can ‘box’ things away, never to be thought of again. I miss my married man so much it hurts, the worst pain ever, yet he can laugh and joke like we never existed – we go to the same gym. When I see him smiling with other people it doesn’t register – I can’t smile, i want to cry – it’s been 6 months since his wife found out and he unceremoniously dumped me immediately.I’d like to know when this gets better.

    • Sim

      Exactly what I have been asking myself..After all that we have been through, all the love, the memories, is it that easy to walk away? U just walk away from someone you call your soulmate and just go on living with another woman for the rest of your life….Like you Rhea, I always love with all my heart, I guess it’s our issues. We give it all, and we fall for them much more than they do

    • Martina Jamison

      Rhea. I think that they can move on so easily because they have a whole entire life outside of the relationship that they have with us. So while we’re mourning the relationship, they’ve just fallen back into their normal life. I’m realizing that my whole relationship was just empty promises and dreams. I just recently broke up with my mm and I’m still dying inside but the relief and peace of mind that I have is starting to out way all is that! Sending prayers to all of you ladies!!!!

  • thebrokenstar

    I broke up with my married man 3 weeks back. it was a 10 year relationship… She knew, she found out about me long back, he made her call me and she said she would divorce, its 4 years and he didnt do it. He says i am aggressive abusive… am i supposed to act like i am some fairy? It hurt me a lot coz he lives with her. they have a daughter. i am so young. he is 17 years elder to me. he thinks i am not the kind of girl who will wait, am not the kind of girl who is ready for marriage. he says behave and then we will talk marriage. doesnt it hurt? it hurts so much. i havent called him all these weeks… he did drop me few texts. i miss him yes but he doesnt leave the wife. its so sad!

  • Aria

    Dear clair
    I think you have to change the way you look to this story. Is that really matters if he loves you or not? Or if he cares or not?
    No. I mean it’s important for you I can understand but you need a way out. A solution
    And for that you have to think logical.
    I think your question should be this ” what is going to happened at the end? What are the possible results of our relationship for me? Is it going to have any ending which worth all this pains?
    So in this way you will see, sadly, that this relationship has a deadened and more days you spend in it more days it will take for you to come out.
    He will go back to his family even with loving you.
    And darling even if not, and If he choose you believe me if you ruin a life your life will be ruin too. You can’t build love, family and happiness on the ash of the one your relationship burned.
    So If I were you I will cut this relationship before it become to late and I choose to go back to open arms of my family and friends and try as hard as it takes to end it even if he cry and beg me.
    In this case you need to be a little selfish cause of you can’t be he will.
    Take care of your self. Don’t forget how strong your live to your self is

  • ihatemyself

    I am seriously wanting to end my life! Leave my baby behind. Atleast she has my family, and she wont have to know about her stupid mother! I need someone to talk to please! Someone who has been over and is now happy after their affair with a married man. Please email me. [email protected]

    I have a 5 week old baby girl from my married man. Its hard. Its really hard!!!!

    • yael

      Hi ihatemyself,
      I sent you an email. You can get thru this. It’s so NOT worth your life. I survived a Terrible Married Man situation 2 yrs ago. I came very close to taking my own life. I’ve been over 18 months with no contact now. I’m so glad I’m still here; for me, my family and especially my child. Relationships with married men are so painful, even if it starts off seemingly innocuous and fun and both parties “agree to the terms.”

      It’s especially hard for women. Our bodies change as we age. It can seem invigorating to meet someone who knows how to bring out our passion. But it always ends in heartbreak.

      I’m on this site because a couple months ago, I got involved with a different married man (yea, real bright). I thought I could manage it because It’s much different than the other situation; but I know heartbreak is inevitable. Even tho I’m accomplished, have my own family and career, He’s wealthy, super attractive, sensitive–everything I think I want. We share a hobby and that’s how we met. It seemed like manic destiny.

      He’s already said he will never leave his wife & family, but he’s wants to continue our thing if I do. I feel much envy for her. I would always be #2. That will never change.

      I do not want to live this way. I refuse to go thru this again and back burner my own life. It’s not possible to “handle” such emotional intensity and be okay. I’m human. Simply, just human.

      Getting a lot of strength from the shared here. I’m going to shut the new married man situation now before I get hurt or hurt anyone else more.

      At least this time I know I’m in the “hole” and that there’s a way out. Next time, maybe I’ll see the hole and choose to step around it.

      Thank you for your strength all. Please wish me luck.

    • Angelina

      Hi, dont do this please.. all of us here had our own share of painful experiences, else we wouldnt have been here.. m still waiting for the day wen i will be over him n can say that breaking up with him was the best decision of my life 🙁

  • Shiv

    Hi,
    These comments are really helping. I also feel like I’m in the biggest mess of my life. I have been with a married man for the last 12 months.I am also married my marriage has been unhappy for the last two years and I know that’s not an excuse. Last month my married man’s wife found a text from me.She decided to forgive her husband and he did not communicate with me for days. This left me so broken and hurt because I couldn’t understand why he didn’t care about how I was feeling. Then when as he says it was all clear he contacted me and said things now need to be different.. I’ve just kept thinking ok I’ll accept that because I love him but do I really is it just attachment . This past five weeks I have done nothing but cry because even when he sends me a message now it’s not really affectionate . On calls he is really short with me if I question things and look for reassurance. He also told me so many lies like he wasn’t sleeping with his wife but I found out she had a miscarriage two weeks ago.I just feel so stupid but I’m not strong enough to let go of this married man… He treats me like crap and I know it. What is wrong with me why is it so hard I know it’s wrong. I’m not happy it doesn’t make me happy anymore but why can’t I let go? Help

    • Rhea

      Shiv,
      Like you, I too was smart enough to recognize that my ex was not treating me well. He would always have a reason why he couldn’t stay on the phone -“I gotta take this call, there are people in front of my door, I have a conference call, I’m on a call, I gotta respond to these emails, I’m picking up my daughter, my son is with me,” on and on the excuses went. But days before we were scheduled to meet, he would reach out. God, I don’t miss that. When I call my friends, they are happy to hear from me; they want to talk; I have much to give. Don’t settle for crumbs. Who needs to be treated like that? Stop contacting him. Leave your phone at home, take it off.
      You’re addicted to him that’s why it’s hard to give up. Ween yourself off of communicating with him. He’s not making you feel good. Take care of you!!!

      • Clair

        My married man does the same thing. He’ll say all the time he has to go, he’s gotta do this or that and it’s times where he could message me back but he doesn’t.

      • Shiv

        Thanks Rhea
        I know it has to stop again today we had a few messages and a call but not how it was before. Your right I am only getting the crumbs and I’m miserable. I’ve told him a millions times how I feel & he promises he will make more of an effort, but then blames me for not being that way because I’ve either annoyed him when we have spoken on the phone or through messages. I know deep down I wouldn’t need that reassurance if he actually treated me right. Even writing this message I know it’s all wrong. I initiate the contact now it’s me wanting him to love me and show it through his actions. If he actually cared it would be mutual and I wouldn’t cry everyday… I honestly was so happy before all this. We are supposed to talk tomorrow night I’m to call and as much as I say now I won’t but I know I will and I will have the same conversation I’ve had the last few weeks and he will make his empty promises & nothing will change. I used to be so strong I hate this weak person I have become . I will try though tomorrow because I know the only option is to walk away .

    • Clair

      I need advice. I’m married and my MM is married. We both have children and we started out as friends. He started sending my messages and it just started from there. Its been going on for almost 2 years. For the first 8 months we were talking every day all day. Told each other we loved each other. And it’s not like I didn’t get attention from my husband but this was just something exciting and different. After 8 months he broke up with me cause he just couldn’t “handle” it. I was a mess. Had to get on medication, stayed in the bed and my family just thought I was depressed which I was but they didn’t know the reason. For two weeks we had no contact cause I really thought that was it. After two weeks I got a message and it was him. He wanted to see me. So of course I did. But after that it was different. He didn’t want to talk everyday and didn’t want to get as close to me as we were but still cared for me the same. Of course I believed it. So for about 6 months I tortured myself everyday. Texting him, begging him basically to be close to me again and he kept saying he couldn’t and then one day he did. It almost was like it was the first 8 months we were together. So for about 4 months that went on and now he doesn’t think we should be close anymore but he still wants to see me. He says we’re not together but of course still feels for me the same. I know I can be a lot to handle but I’m driving myself crazy. I worry all the time about why he doesn’t want to talk to me and when we do talk it’s great and he’s sweet but it’s always me to initiate the conversation. He doesn’t tell me he loves me but says he still does but is not in love with me anymore cause we shouldn’t be but I don’t believe him. I think he’s just telling me that so I will back off because his actions tell another story. The last time I saw him was a few days ago. I really just need advice on how to move forward without him. I’m so weak when it comes to him and the thing is that I think my husband is more attractive than him but I just have this connection to him I can’t let go of.

      • Clair

        And the thing that has me really hurt right now is I saw the married man this week and the next day my son had surgery. He has not once asked me how he was doing or how was I doing. I texted and told him everything and when I said something he said well I I didn’t know who was around you. But the next day we were home and he was at work and still didn’t text me and ask me.

      • Aria

        Clair
        Connection is the same as addiction. Some people can let go immediately.some can stay away but they need time to find comfort and forget things. And some other couldn’t handle it alone they come and go and come and go again and again.. until they can walk away easily.
        So I think yes it might be love or passion from him. Who knows? But men are usually more logical than wemon
        So if he said he want to go cause of any reason, and if he really walk away once and then he came back it means he couldn’t handle it alone.
        So I put him in the third group of people which need help of others and time to let go.
        My guess is he will go soon cause if we can let someone go or walk away from someone one time we can do it for a thousand times again.
        So I think if you cut this relationship your self sooner it will give you a better feeling about your self and this decision will help you.
        Cause break up with them is hard enough so it’s better to say the last word’s and make last decision on our own instead of being pushed away by some one else.
        Wish you luck and strength.

      • Clair

        I totally agree. What’s so hard is we live in the same little town our kids go to school together so I know I’m going to see him from time to time from here on out unless they move. On the weekends if he happens to be going into town he will message me and see if I can meet him but if I do that he won’t respond half the time. He used to call me babe or baby all the time and now he says he’s not going to because he feels like I’ll get to attached! I mean has he been living under a rock the last 2 years?? We are beyond attached! But he said it the other day to me. He confuses me big time! I honestly don’t think he knows what he wants. Sometimes I feel like he does love me and sometimes I wonder does he really but then I think if he didn’t he wouldn’t have a hard time to letting me go. He has said that before that its hard on him to when we’re not “together”. I’m your opinion do you think he truly cares and can’t let go of me either?

      • Shiv

        Clair,
        I can relate to your story on so many levels, it’s like all these married men give us the same lines and we still continue to be suckers for them. Tonight I did speak with my married men and I was like a crazy women for a solid hour and I told him it was over and he begged me to give him one last chance & that he will do his best by me and he knows he has treated me badly and it’s going to stop. And of course I’ve given him another chance … even though I hate that phrase I’ll do my best because it’s like a get out of jail free card if he doesn’t do something I know he will say but I did my best… The hardest part of this is I know I need to walk away before I lose everything ,my husband, hurt my kids for someone who doesn’t really give a dam. What is wrong with me I’m normally a logical person but for some reason I can’t walk away from this.. Why do we do it ? Reading these comments I know we are all sound minded women so why do these men have so much power so frustrating….

      • Shiv

        Clair,

        They are my thoughts too, we have husbands that love us & I know if he ever found out about my married man I would lose it all and cause so much hurt in the process to my kids, my husband. But I can’t let go … it’s a hold that I cannot explain, and what’s even more frustrating the less he gives me the more I want him… today he messaged me loads but I know I’m a side piece I know I’ll never be as important as his wife … and because of all this I have been so down the last while and my husband is so worried about me … he is the one that deserves all my love and attention but I can’t let go… I think if I’m
        Honest for months I believed me and my married man would end up together and we would be happy but the more I read these comments it’s unrealistic and delusional. These men will never leave there wife’s because they don’t want to be the bad guys they are not prepared for the fallout even though we are because we love them so much, we aren’t worth that risk that chance. I don’t know how many times my married man says but what if I leave and it doesn’t work out ….. I just wish we all had the strength to walk away because we all deserve happiness not dealing with the highs & lows of a relationship that’s set to fail. I’m a shadow of my former self always feeling so low … any advice on how to get through this how to see the bigger picture ?

    • lifelessons

      These married men just don’t care. They act like they do when the relationship benefits them. As soon as they grow bored or tired, or can’t “handle” it anymore, they withdraw without so much as a decent goodbye. They don’t care how you’ll be affected. Why should they? They’ve got their wives to go back to. They may make us think so, but we are not and can never be more important than their wives, their families. They lie to get what they want and once they have, they don’t bother anymore.
      Shiv, it will not get better. It will only get worse. You are a side object to him, just as I was to mine. They don’t see us as human beings, and they sure as hell don’t treat us like humans. We’re just playthings for them.
      It’s like when you’ve played a game too many times and you lose interest, completely. You don’t bother playing it again. You don’t want to try to rekindle your interest in it. The interest is gone so you throw it away or just leave it lying wherever you’ve left it, not caring what happens to it or where it ends up.
      This is exactly what we are to these men. So just end it. It’s not worth it.
      I have an intense obsession with my married man. I am in a situation and I need support. I get none from him. I read one of the posts about a child who has to go through operation. I’m not surprised he hasn’t asked how either mother or child is doing.
      They don’t care. They benefit nothing from the relationships with us any longer, so the pretense has stopped. They won’t bother.
      It would be a different story if their wives needed them.
      My MM showed me just how much he doesn’t care. It hurts because I believed all the sh*t he told me. Now that his actions are speaking so clearly, I have no choice but to try and accept. I was a game, and he got bored with me.
      The best thing is to cut contact, but it’s not easy.
      I feel like the walking dead. My heart has been torn and my soul is crushed.
      Eventually when he leaves you, you will feel like I do. You don’t want it to come to that. Spare a few shreds of your heart, keep a little part of it intact, by just ending it with him.
      It’s way better than him dumping you.
      You deserve so much better.

      I wish you all the best.

      • Clair

        Shiv,

        I’ve been the same way with mine. Time and time again we’ve broke up but seemed to find our way back to each other. I know what I could lose if we were found out but he’s got a hold of me that I can’t explain. I haven’t talked to mine since Friday which he got upset at me cause I texted him but was with his wife and he just ignored me and later ok I said what is your problem??? And since we live in the same town we go to the same stores and on the weekends if one of us is going we will text each other. Well I did and he ignored me again! I’m so hurt at him cause I would never do that to him. I’ve not texted him today and he probably won’t text me. I’m just so mad at him right now. I just want to see how long he will go until he does text me.

      • Soinlove

        That’s what my married man says too..in face we just had a conversation the other day and he said those exact words “what if I leave and it doesn’t work”.. and I said..you’ll never know if you don’t give us a chance. I understand his fears and I told him that I do get it. But if I am “the love of his life” wouldn’t it be worth a shot with me? Truth is, these men are good liars. They are very very good at telling us what we want to hear. I believe he loves me but I don’t believe I am the love of his life or he wouldn’t still be curled up to her in bed and letting day after day pass by without being with me.

        He gave her a shot when he married her..there’s never a promise of that working out.. but I guess I’m not worth that risk..

    • Popo

      I am in the situation now Shiz. He says to me I ask too many questions (when I ask what he is doing on weekends etc). I am partly in love with the fact that he is so successful-we work together. Its an ego thing I guess. He will open all my messages and not respond and when he does this -boy it hurts.
      I told him it was over 2 weeks ago and I had to move from my addiction. 2 days later- with one halfbaked message he sent me, I was back in his arms. Then a week later he takes a vacation with his wife and completely ignores me all weekend. When I complain he shouts at me and says ‘I am with my wife, Respect her ‘ Really. For some reason I do not feel bad about his wife at all. If anything I am so jealous and angry at her. Weird I know. Gosh, am I normal.
      Seriously I am so smart, young, have a husband who is also so successful but what the hell am I doing. The more he ignores me its like the more I want him. I know what I need to do. Know it all but just can’t seem to move….. What is wrong with me.
      I have been reading the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle….. Amazing help…. I always feel strong when reading it then an hour later…. Im back to being a stupid weak girl-texting non stop….
      I dont have the strength to let go. I don’t know why…..

  • Aria

    I saw a video my married man shared on instagram, he was at concert. I couldn’t control sadness and tears. I do not miss him and it’s not regret. I just….
    I don’t want him to go on like before and be happy while I am hurt. I know it’s not my job to think of this thing but it just rush to my mine
    I’m so sorry for my self so sorry that I hurt my self and so sorry that I done everything but it seems not done for me.
    If any one has the same feeling about their married men, or had, and can help somehow I will be happy to hear.

    • ihatemyself

      I feel the same! I just had a baby with him. She is an adorable 5 week old baby girl. While him and his wife had a son through IVF only a week earlier than my daughter. And I hate seeing him happy on instagrams and facebook. I stopped feeling miserable, for the sake of my baby. But somehow I feel sorry for my baby. She doesnt deserve this. And I blame this all to myself. We still talk, he still calls me everyday. As much as I want to cut our communication its really impossible at the moment.

      I hear and feel all of the ladies here.
      There is a rainbow always after the rain!
      We will get there soon enough ladies.
      Stay strong.

    • Heartbreak

      Hi Aria. You said you don’t miss your married man and it’s not regret, but if isn’t that, then what is it? You cry and feel sorry for yourself while you think he is happy. Maybe he is and maybe he isn’t, these married men don’t really let on how they feel about you. As I said before, they look happy to us but it may not be a fact, just our perception. Anyway you are feeling all the feelings that all of us have gone through or are going through. Of course it hurts when they just turn tail and go back to their families, I spent countless sleepless nights trying to comprehend how he can move on like that while I suffer so much. He was the guy all girls dream of in their sweetest dreams, and if someone had told me before that he would pull away suddenly and act as if I don’t exist, I wouldn’t have believed them. But I’ve stopped thinking about the “how could he”and the “why did he” and just accepted that some answers will not be given to us until we are able to live them. It’s just so useless trying to understand their behavior, they are what they are and after beating ourselves long enough we have no option but to cut our losses and move on. Focus on yourself, take it off him and his life/health/happiness whatever. When they don’t spare that much of thought for us, why do we kill ourselves with the obsessing and ruminating? I don’t know how far from your breakup you are, but peace comes. It comes very slowly, but it does.

      • Aria

        Heartbreak
        We have been together for 4 month and then I cut it, now one and half months have passed from my break up with the married man.
        Yes it a very unknown feeling and when it comes I just fell like I want to be dead If death can cut it I’m ready. Those moments are soon painful. I feel like every hard second passes like a year
        Your right about stop asking those questions but when those feelings rush to you its really impossible to be mindful

      • SSS

        Like every girl here, im in a relationship with a married man for about 6mos. I am single…it’s hard for me to let him go….He is my childhood friend and best friend…he was married for 22yrs….but 6mos.ago he told me that since our childhood he loved me but he was so ashamed with me and had no courage to court me when we were grown up because of their life status..we separate lives after HS and had communication here in social media…i loved him as my bestfriend and i admired him for protecting me when we where in HS…we had a chance to see each other 6yrs.ago but as friends…last year we had a chance to talk each other again here in social media and the friendship turned into a relationship….i dont know why i allowed myself in this kind of relationship because i have God in my heart…all my beliefs were twisted because of what i am feeling for him right now….i want to let him go for i know this is the right thing to do but when he calls me i cant resist and avoid his call….i want to go back to GOD…pls. Pray for me…

    • Sim

      Hey Aria, I’m sorry that you saw the things that hurt you, I know how it feels so I want to share my feelings with you. When we were still together, my MM and I blocked each other on most of communication means, because he didn’t want me to see his updates, I didn’t either because I know that would hurt me. But once, I used another account to look for his Facebook updates and what I saw was his posts of their honeymoon trip to Maldives with the hashtag #anywherewithwifeisbest, and another post that said “Being with the one you love is the best thing in this world” – i broke down completely, who I am to this man? I felt like a fool, a stupid lame girl who still believed I was all he thought of everyday. I told me about how I felt and he had nothing to explain, but he said “Why did you do it, you know for sure it will hurt you and you still do it. I block you and everyone else (our mutual friends) for a reason. There are things that shouldn’t be known of for a better sake”. 3 days I didn’t say anything because my heart was torn into million pieces but he was still there, taking care of me, loving me in the best way he could. He knew how hurt I was. After that, I promised myself I would never do such thing again because it felt like suicide. Until recently, he broke up with me, and one of my friend accidentally told me they looked very happy expecting their first baby. I couldn’t help seeing his wife’s Facebook page, and the first thing I saw is the profile picture of him kissing his wife’s pregnant belly in black & white. I was almost fainted. That was after his wife found out about us the 2nd time, and he decided to leave me. Only a few weeks after that, while I was still in great pain, struggling to survive and keeping myself from going insane, I saw that picture. It was like the final stab in my heart, and it killed me right there, alive. I can’t never describe enough how hurtful it was, so my advice to you is refrain yourself from social network, until you think you are ready to see, to look, to know how happy they are doing, because obviously they are gonna show the sadness or the negativity. We are all living in a fake world, just stay away and protect your heart.

  • Rhea

    It’s been one month since the married man ended it with me and I haven’t contacted him since, neither has he. I feel so proud of myself. I am so proud that I am able to stand my ground. In the past, when he had ended it, I had contacted him at 9 days after and then 3 weeks after that. This time, I didn’t. I can’t wait for the second month to come. I looked at myself in the mirror and I felt so proud of me.
    Inside, it is so difficult. Yesterday was a difficult day because my husband and I argued. My husband was so nasty to me and I ached for my ex. I yearned to feel his arms around, to lie on his chest, to run my fingers through his hair, to hear his voice. But I reminded myself that what he gave me was not true love. If it was, it if is, he would wonder how I am, he would reach out to me. He would tell me how he feels but he hasn’t because he doesn’t feel the same way. Silence is an answer.
    And I am a beautiful, vibrant woman who has so much to give to people who deserve it. I vowed to myself to never give myself to people who don’t deserve it. I am so much better than that.
    There are days when I ache for him and days when I am so angry. My revenge though, will be to heal myself. To not just survive but to become better; to be stronger; to not wear my heart on my sleeve; to not need anyone’s affirmation.
    I’ve set goals for myself for this year. Find a new job, finish my book, work on my body. And I hope that if I ever run into him; that I can show him that he was a jerk. I vow to never let him see me naked again.
    I’m sure he’s a bit surprised that I didn’t go running back. Since he’s known me, he’s seen me as being mad for him. This is a person that he doesn’t expect.
    He can sit in his marriage and continue to cheat on his wife. I have a whole wonderful life to live without this married man!!!
    I am looking forward to my healing and looking forward to distancing myself from him. Can’t wait for the next months and years to come without him.

    • StrongerEveryDay

      This makes me so happy to hear! That’s exactly how you should feel, and I agree some days will be so hard. I learned through my situation that the married man can learn to make his way back in even when you think it’s done forever, so it’s something to prepare for in order to not fail. Stay strong, this is what everyone needs to hear. It WILL get better. To me, it’s like the stages of death. You go through shock, denial, anger, sadness and time heals. Proud of you lady, keep it going!!! <3

      • Rhea

        Thank you StrongerEveryDay for your kind words. Today, I ached so badly for my married man. It comes and goes, the grief. And anger comes. The memories torture me. They seem to play like a movie in my head and laugh at me, mock me. Out of the blue, I’ll imagine a time I held his hand or fed him from my plate or we laughed at something funny. And I feel as if someone is squeezing my heart.
        But I keep it moving because this is my life!!! He is living his. He wanted time he said. How about a life time? That’s what I’m giving him. A life time without me. I know he won’t be happy at home. He’s fooling himself. I wish he had the sense to leave me alone. He pursued me. I will never go back!!! Not to him or any other man who’s not mine. Who needs crumbs?

      • StrongerEveryDay

        EXACT same process for me, Rhea. You are so right about it all. That’s what helps me stay strong…knowing they will continue in a lie and never truly be happy. We will suffer more short-term pain, they will endure a lifetime of it while we have the chance to be free and find our special guy. I know it’s hard for some to believe their married man is the one, but that’ll change with time. As I said before, it’s a constant proactive mindset that takes effort everyday to keep growing stronger. I know it gets better as I’ve been through it and thought I would die without him in the past. It gets better!!! Stay strong!!

    • Angelina

      Hi, this blog is so motivating, i read each one of ur posts and i am encouraged to share my experience as well. Plz plz plz read it and tel me if m going in the right direction as i cant discuss it with anyone.. i am married, no kids, have an extremely loving husband but still i fell for this married man at work whos quite elder to me. His wife n kid lives in a different city so he was here all alone and thats how we came close. I had never thought that i can drift away from my marriage as my husband loves me so much and so do i, i always thought there was no room for anyone else but i fell for this man. He used to give me attention n compliments so i used to feel flattered.. we started going on dates n eventually got intimate. He used to tell me that he loves me a lot but cant leave his wife (for obvious reasons) so there’s no way we can ever marry but he wants us to carry on this way all our lives. He said we will always be together. I too fell in love with him so deep that i forgot the line between right & wrong. We would be together at every opportunity. He had not hidden anything from me and i knew abt his marriage but still there used to be times wen i had emotional outbursts and i wud tel him how he gives his wife more attention and wud fight with him.. he wud always try to make me understand n thn we wud b good agn.. once my husband almost read his texts and was shocked.. i had a terrible time that night as he kept yelling at me for cheating on him..i sumhow controlled the situation n calmed him down but he started suspecting me from that day onwards. I was all alone that night, i tried callin this man but he was with his wife that night so obviously didnt answer.. i was totally blank n saw my marriage falling apart but i had noone to talk to, not even the one i risked it for! The next day i told him abt this n all he cud tel me was try to calm him down.. he kept tellin me that if he finds the truth abt our relationship theres not much that he can do coz he has a family of his own.. i was shocked wen i heard this but so blindfolded in love that i ignored the fact that if my husband really gets to know n decides to divorce me, i wil hav nowhere to go! Today wen i think abt it, my blood only boils.. we continued being together despite my husband’s doubting on me. I always saw him as my soulmate, my spouse n did things which normally a wife only wud do for a husband.. i gave my 200% to this relationship whether emotionally, financially, mentally, physically.. invested so much time, money, feelings.. but all in vain as i didnt get even an iota of it in return.. he always used to ignore me wenever he would travel back to his home saying his wife is arnd. My fairytale got shattered months ago wen I found out hes stil having sex with his wife!! I felt as if a hot knife sliced through my heart. I mean y wud he do so if he doesnt love her n if hes getting everything from me?i guess he just wanted different flavors thats it! I brokeup with him soon after that but we agn patched up n he told me its her who initiated n he cudnt deny. Thats the stupidest excuse to give but as i was a fool, I swallowed it..Recently he lost his job and was devastated as he was facing a tough time finding another job. I supported him as much as i can.. tried to make him happy by watever means i could. Few days back he left this city to be back in his hometown where his wife n kid are n is looking for a job there only. He made allthese promises before leaving that his love n feelings wil never change n he wil call me everytime he gets an opportunity n wil take me for a holiday once he gets a job blah blah blah.. but after going there he just flipped. We talk for a very little time n he even texts very less. I have to look at the watch n call or text him coz his wife is sticking to him all the time like a piece of s**t.. i just cant imagine him going to her or sharing the bed with her.. i keep wandering if they r making love! Honestly, I just cant stand his wife’s presence in his life.. i never wished bad for anyone but i feel m turning into a psycho! I keep stalking him n his wife on Facebook to see wat they r doing! I never was like this. Infact, i hav started getting criminal tendencies n i wish that she should just die! I dnt knw wats happening with me.. I finally sent him a msg saying m unable to carry on like this n want to end it.. did i do the right thing??

      • Heartbreak

        Hi Angelina. I can relate so well to what you wrote. I used to go on this roundabout with my married man also, the jealousy and the hurt and the wife sticking to him all the time. The promises to be together like this forever. Torturing myself about them sleeping together. Even the wishing her dead! It’s madness but it’s a madness only a woman in an affair with a married man can understand. I think you should break up with him, otherwise you will lose your husband too. When things get to this level of dysfunction, it doesn’t get better. Whatever this married man says, it’s at best an illusion and at worse, blatant lies. We think our mm don’t lie to us, but believe me, they are very convincing in their lies. They have to be, to maintain long term affairs with us. You gave him a lot, you don’t owe him anything. He will never commit to you, the moment he gets in hot water with you, he will turn back to his wife in such a way that it will leave your head spinning. They are masters at that. Be strong and give him up before you destroy yourself and your marriage. Take help from friends and take therapy if you are able to. Go no contact. Don’t leave the door open. It’s the only way.

      • Angelina

        Hi Heartbreak, i think you are so right.. all blatant lies & illusions and nothing else that was! Its been 2 days i sent my married man the breakup mail & i was feeling so relaxed & free that day, he replied saying u have gone mad n u cant stop me from loving you. I will continue loving you, all those false words but i ignored his reply. I was feeling so good the day i sent him that mail but today am back to square one! I miss him and keep on crying 🙁 yesterday I almost broke down in front of my husband while having dinner but I stopped at the right time. I don’t wanna be weak again or go back to him! i pray to god that tables should turn n he should be in my place & go through what m experiencing.. maybe some day i will totally be over him but he will repent and miss me and realize he lost someone who loved him the most.. towards beginning of our affair we both were ok with the fact that we are married and cant leave our families but we still want to b together.. i too love my husband but as we grew intimate it was impossible for me to agree to this pact! I fell more & more in love with him each day n wanted to marry him. So many times i tried to make my married man feel jealous by telling him how me and my husband had a romantic night but he was totally unperturbed, whereas I couldn’t tolerate that he goes close to his wife even for a day! I think if he truly loved me he couldn’t digest anyone touching me but he was completely ok! He used to tell me that he wants a child with me and I also wanted the same, but luckily I came to my senses at the right time & ended it with him!
        Also I believe that my married man was with me only coz he was alone in this city. And he had been married for a long time now n it lacked spice n spark.. he just looked at me as a means to ignite that spark! Once he went back to his family, everything changed! I feel so used n fooled..

      • Sim

        Heartbreak, i like to read your writing about how to deal with the thoughts of the married man and his wife. I think for me that’s the biggest obsession. I know my married man loved me truly and during the time together, i couldnt complain any bit about how he treated me, we were in love head over heel. But only when he left me did i realize it was all about his wife and his kids. Iam in a jealous craze with his wife. The first time she found out he was still sticking with me but the second time he left. And she is now happy because finally her husband always comes back to her. She told me they are gonna be with each other until thei hair is grey. Every time i think of him now, i think of how happy they are together. And every time i see any other happy families with the little kids, i relate to him and his wife. I become obsessesed and it beats me up. You told me that these married men are not really happy but they are. MY married man, he is married to the one he loves, spending time with her, having a baby with her, building a life with her, everything is smooth. What else to be unhappy about? Me? Yes he may miss me for a while, but that doesnt change the fact that he has left me forever. Im the loser here.

  • Hardtime

    I am so temped to send his wife a note. She has almost found out a few times but then he lies his way out of it and steps back from me that does not last long. I know telling her wont change anything. I was doing so well had not seen him in 2 months but got slipped up last week and had a great night but since then i feel bad cause of course he got what he wanted and has stepped away from me again. I have almost gone no contact his number is no longer on my phone but for some reason cant un friend the facebook. He has been ignoring me the last few days i should be happy but I am not. Why cant she just find out and he get what he deserves. I need to fully step away i deserve better i know, but am having a very hard time.

    • fiona

      Hardtime, don’t do it – you’ll feel ten times worse afterwards, trust me I’ve done it. It did nothing in my case, if anything it made them more determined to stay together. And caused me a heap of stress. Keep your power and your dignity

      • Hardtime

        Thank you. I never would do it but it goes though my head. I am deserve better and i need to keep telling my self that

    • Aria

      Hardtime
      There is only one way to heal.let go of him. Don’t think of what he might get and deserve.dont think about their life together. Think about your self…
      This man came to your life and treated you with cheating and lying. He will get what he deserves and he will pay for all your pain and suffer but if you keep thinking about it and if you think that’s your responsibility it just make you suffer more. You have to let it go.
      I know it’s hard I was in your shoes but try to remember your self.what u deserve,things you like to do,body you like to have, languages you like to learn and so many other habits that can help you.
      Make a plan for your self and find or make something that can give you a new meaning and hope and desire for life.
      And my favourite, try meditation!
      I know it’s so hard to foces in sadness and your depression and revenge mood will come back to you time to time but try to release your self from all of those thing and it will become a day that you will be some one he hope to have.be strong

      • Hardtime

        Thank you for your kind words. yes Meditation has help greatly. I am keeping busy and that seems to help too and bring me to my happy self that i was. When he comes to mind I am trying to think of all the times he made me cry or I just try and think of a happy time before this mess. Slowly I am sure it will get better just its hard sometimes and hearing from other people and the encouragement is good so thank you!!

  • Heartbreak

    Hey everyone. With the volume of comments it’s sometimes hard to follow the thread so I’ll just write a new one. So many of you have been saying about how your married men are back with their families and are happy and are having babies and forming stronger bonds with their spouses. It feels like that to us, but I don’t think that’s really how it is. Yeah, they left us. They left us because at some point, it became too much trouble to keep us. They may still love us or they may not, I can’t say for sure. But they sure as heck are done. The married ones who do get back with us will do so temporarily because they miss us or we coerce them to, but the same pattern will play out. They don’t respect their wives, the same way they didn’t respect us. And they hardly ever love them. They go back because in their minds they made a promise to God and to society, and this is their own distorted version of honoring that. It’s not like the wife suddenly became fun or sexy or whatever it is that they were seeking when they came to us. She is what she is, and their relationship is still what it was when he started to stray. We lose them and that’s why they seem like such a prize and think his life went back to being hunky dory, because of our less than reasonable thinking post breakup. Don’t beat yourself up thinking that they are happy while you are still marinating in your pain. The married man may have detached from you emotionally but that’s because their brain is wired differently to ours. But they are not as happy as they project. So please don’t add sadness to your healing process thinking that. It’s hard enough without us adding our perception to things. Let me put a question to all of you. “What would you be, without the thought that (married man) is happy without you while you are suffering?” Think about it.

    • Going Crazy

      Heartbreak, that is what I needed to hear today. I work with the married man and he is in “love” with his wife and will always be even though she has cheated on him twice and will always forgive her. I am broken and he is broken and our pieces were a fix together for awhile. He just called into the office, happy laughing (he is on vacation with his wife and kids)….etc. I am usually a happy, energetic, sunshine and rainbows type of girl, he said “hey there”, my heart went to my chest and my whole demeanor changed to sad blah blah blah. I know what he liked about me was the fun loving energetic person and I can’t find that anymore.

    • Sim

      Yes heartbreak. I can feel his pains and how much he misses me too. The feelings are almost mutual, i know the moment i think of him, he probably thinks of me too. We have so much in common that we are almost excellent at mind reading. But at the end of the day, its all about the fact that im left with nothing while he has everything intact. He kisses his wife’s pregnant belly and put a picture on his facebook page, Why else should i perceive it except that he’d doing so fine, he’s gained back his wife’s trust and most importantly, his action said it all, he left me, he dumped me so he can run back to his wife and protect his family no matter what. He can watch me die but never let the same thing happen to his wife. What else is left for me?

    • Rhea

      Heartbreak,
      Thanks for putting this in perspective. My ex told me that he wanted to work things out in his marriage. After a year of being with me. That his wife talked to him on Valentine’s day about mending their marriage. Bullsh**! He was planning on dumping me for a while. In fact, he did exactly that 4 months ago.
      So, let me tell you guys how crazy I am. I read my married man’s love horoscope everyday wondering how he’s getting along with his wife or whether he had another woman when he had me. I woke up in the middle of the night and was imagining him holding his wife and making love to her. I wondered if they make love multiple times the way we did; whether its passionate. I wonder if he’s happy; does he feel relieved that he was able to walk away from me without me creating drama. I allowed him to walk away. I cried and I told him that I loved him but that i won’t try to make him stay.
      I hope that everyday when his phone is without any calls or messages from me, that the silence eats away a little at him. I hope that he lies in bed and is lonely and unhappy. I don’t wish the best for him. He exploited my love. He pursued me and used me and discarded me when he was done.
      So, I do hurt thinking that he’s happy with her but as Heartbreak says, its the same marriage. I am married too and my marriage is very very troubled. My husband had cheated on me repeatedly. And mending my marriage seems so difficult so I can’t imagine how my ex can now be happy all of a sudden.

    • StrongerEveryDay

      THANK YOU! This is what I have been trying to convey as well. First, social media makes people look much happier than reality. How many people do you know who post happy, loving photos while being unhappy or flat out miserable? I see it all the time. What you see on Facebook or other sites is a small fraction of everyday living. You only see what people want others to see, and you only see the good times, not the bad. There are 24 hours in a day and it only takes a few seconds to upload a happy post. I quit looking at my married man’s wife’s account because it’s all fake. She would post a pic of them on vacay and he would be with me a week later. It’s not real in many cases. Plus, if they are good enough to cheat on someone without anyone else knowing, they sure as heck can lie about and fake their happiness. Haven’t we all done that at times? Laugh and throw on a smile to keep our good natured personalities intact to others? Second, unless a guy is a true narcissist (which means he’s not capable of true love), you cannot commit adultery then go back to being happy with your spouse like nothing happened. As I mentioned before, that doesn’t happen unless you truly repent to God and/or your spouse and even then it takes work. It will never be the same again. As you mentioned, guys are programmed differently, and I know that’s hard for all of us to truly understand. I’ve read TONS of articles about cheating married men and fact is they will always choose to stay in a comfortable situation, even if it’s not what they want, because it’s easier. They may want you more, but it doesn’t matter. The consequences of changing their lives is not worth the hassle. “But if he loved me, he would do it.” Trust me, I said that over and over until I realized (after much research and listening to everyone’s stories on here) that it’s NOT LOVE. Real love doesn’t make you feel the worst pain ever, and it doesn’t change you for the worse like many of us have/did through our experiences. Lastly, something I realized in myself and many of the ladies on here is that we miss our married men even more because of what they have now. They have marriage, kids, a family to spend time, and usually more money with while we are alone. For me, I started to realize I’m jealous of what he has, but my time will come. We deserve someone who will marry us and make us their world. We deserve someone who respects our relationship and makes us feel like the best person in the world. I know many are scared that they won’t connect with someone like they did their married men, and even I have that fear sometimes, but I have faith and believe it will happen. I don’t deserve to be second or lower priority to a man. I’ve already seen how each day heals, so you have to believe and proactively work on your mindset. I went from crying nonstop to crying every so often to now having a heavy heart. It’s a slow healing process, but will get better. Each time you cave you have to start all over. After awhile, enough is enough and you push through. Be strong my loves, we all sympathize with you and understand the pain. Keep reading and researching and focusing on the negative aspects of the relationship, not the good ones. It will make you stronger!! <3

  • fiona

    Well I’ve undone every bit of progress I made – I was clearing up and found a letter he wrote me, ‘I love you so much, I miss you’ blah blah blah. And it made me so angry that I took a picture of it and emailed it to him, knowing that his wife controls his email now. And it other stuff in there that I hoped he hadn’t told her. Nothing I have told her ever seems to make the slightest difference, he even told me that the problem is that she keeps forgiving him, and that it would be much easier if she was the one to end their marriage.
    So now he knows I’m still hurting, which he probably gets an ego boost from. I’m such an idiot. I’m at the lowest point I’ve ever been at.

    • Heartbreak

      Hey Fiona, it’s ok. This happens. So you broke no contact. And let him know you still hurt. So what? Of course you still hurt, you are a normal woman and people hurt from getting played in the way we get played. These men have decided to play ostrich and bury their heads in the sand so that they dont have to face their pain or ours, that doesn’t make them better than us. At least we are working at releasing our honest emotions. Unlike them, they can act as if it’s ok to move on like that with no kindness or compassion, but guess what? Karma will get them in the end. You don’t undo all your progress with one transgression. Don’t beat yourself up. Just don’t.

    • Maria

      Dear Fiona,

      I am so sorry for the way you are feeling. I know that feeling all too well, as I went back to my married man twice. Even once after him telling me that he and his wife were expecting their second child. You are not alone in this. Most of us have all gone back to them, I can guarantee that. Just think about this…if his wife is stupid enough to know about all of this and still go back to him and forgive him…don’t you think you deserve better? Of course you love him and you miss him. As I still love and miss mine. But let them live their miserable lives and set yourself free from all of this. I don’t know how long you were in this relationship or how long your bit of progress has been but don’t get down on yourself. We all have our weak moments but try your best to fight through them and be strong. You deserve so much better. XOXO

    • Aria

      Fiona
      You are a woman. Tell me. Is that even possible for you to live with some one and be unable to figure out he is lying? No. Never. Don’t bother your self those lady’s back home knows every thing.
      Be strong. Sadness and pain will come and go till some day that they will be dissappear…don’t try to ignore them. Take the pain. Feel it in your body and soul. Be proud of it. And then it will go.
      And know this if it make you feel better he is in a horrible pain but he is just faking like he is strong. While he is not. And he gonna pay for all the pain you feel now but you don’t have to even think of that miserable man. You are the one who is important.

    • G

      Hi Fiona I’m right there with you. I’ve been a psychotic mess over my married man. They suck and I wish I could rewind the clock. This has caused me insomnia, weight loss, depression, anxiety. They’re in hell and even though I wouldn’t wish bad on anyone I have to say I kind of do with them. We were on the phone yesterday and I mentioned something about blocking me on his phone and he lost it. He hung up on me and said I don’t need your drama anymore. WTF I need to walk away. Too bad we work together. I have to get a new job.

      • Rhea

        Reminds me of my ex. Whenever I questioned him about anything, he lost it, was impatient and rude. He is a cheater after all. So I should have believed everything he said to me? These men have such egos. They want to control the interactions.

  • Maria

    Hello there,

    Reading all of these comments truly makes me feel like I’m not alone in this. Today marks two weeks since I ended things with my married man and today is truly the worst day of my life. Actually, yesterday was because I was weak and texted him. We talked back and forth for a couple of hours and afterwards I felt so dumb. I haven’t been able to stop the tears. I’m so hurt.

    I was with him a total of two and a half years. We met at work and thankfully I do not work with him anymore, but am still in the same industry. I was married when we first started the affair. But my marriage was ending. My ex husband and I decided to call it quits after 7 years of being together and 1 being married (he was my high school sweetheart). Things with my married man and I were simply just physical. We agreed, only sex…no emotional feelings. Until six months after that he confessed his feelings for me. I of course already had feelings for him but was afraid to tell him. Things after that felt amazing. We got to know each other on another level and we fell in love with one another. He’s everything I want in a man. He is my best friend. I never loved or felt this way about my ex husband. October of 2015 he ended things with me and told me his wife was expecting their second child and he couldn’t do this anymore. That was a year after the start of our affair (it started September 2014). I was crushed. Hurt. I felt stupid and used. A week went by and he texted me that he can’t live without me and that I’m truly the only woman that he loves. I took him back. This time he started saying he was going to divorce his wife. He wanted to marry me. We even talked about building a house together. I was in lala land. We were together up until August 2016 (baby was born March) He broke up with me once again. This time was because I had made a comment that I want kids. He is 37 and I’m 27. That freaked him out and he said he didn’t want any more kids. I begged him not to leave him and that I would sacrifice not having children of my own in order to be with him. He still ended things. Two weeks went by. It was the worst two weeks of my life. I didn’t eat, almost lost my job, had to get on medication, and attempted to end my life. After two weeks he texted me and I got sucked in once again. This time was harder. I didn’t trust him, the butterflies went away, I wouldn’t be giddy to see him anymore. But I couldn’t lose him. I couldn’t live without him. Finally I had enough. We continued to fight and I finally saw it coming. We took a break three weeks ago that lasted a week. After the week we texted and he told me that he cannot leave because of his kids. I finally told him I had enough and ended it. We said our goodbyes over text and I asked him to never contact me.Surprisingly, I didn’t react the way I did the last time we tried ending things. I cried a little but I felt free and like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was doing ok for the most part until yesterday morning. I missed him. I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to text him so many times before and never did but yesterday I was weak. I texted him I miss you and he responded. He told me that he missed me and loved me and prayed every night that I’d text him because he respected my wishes that I wanted no contact. He said if I ever needed to talk to him that he’s always there for me because he will love me I until the day he dies. I feel so confused. I’m dying on the inside. I feel that I will never find a man and I will be alone forever. He was my best friend and we had everything in common. I’m afraid that every man I meet I will compare to my married man and I’m afraid I will push them away. I would love to have someone to talk to about this. Email or by phone. I feel so alone. I have my mom and friends but I feel like they don’t truly understand what I’m going through. I hope someone comments…

    Be strong ladies, we are all in this together and we will get through this…let’s support one another. Feel free to comment and maybe exchange emails?

    • Heartbreak

      Hi Maria. I am so sorry for the pain you are in. It comes across in all its poignant emotion. Your marriage ended and now you are in a dead end relationship with your married man. This endless cycle of making up and breaking up is the most dreadful and soul destroying aspect of an affair with a married man. It is so emotionally exhausting and you become a shell of your former self, all wrecked up and unable to move on. I so totally get how you are feeling right now. See something that I have realized is that this kind of back and forth is not love, not really. It’s attachment. It’s addiction. It’s obsession. You are unable to cut loose even when it has worn down your last nerve. You yourself said that you don’t trust him anymore, and the butterflies went away. We recognize with our higher self that it’s a futile venture and doomed for failure, but the reptilian part of our brain just cannot let go of the attachment it has formed. I read somewhere that doing the same thing over and iover again and expecting different results is relationship insanity and we will keep getting the same message over and over from the universe until we learn from it what we need to. It’s not working, you can see that. He won’t marry you or leave his wife or give you a baby or any of those things you deserve. I’d say let his wife have his sorry ass, she, poor woman, is stuck with him while you are free if you can just see it as freedom. There is no other way to get out of relationships like these except for total and absolute no contact. Of course you will miss him, but tell me, has reaching out given you anything except pain? If It doesn’t work out once, or at the most the second time around, there is NO WAY that it will ever work out. Trust me as someone who has done all that and regret it from the bottom of my heart. I’ve been out four months from a nine year relationship, this is the fourth and final breakup and although I miss him very much, I can see that I don’t want him back. It’s just the attachment that I am working to release. He may have felt like your best friend, but tell me honestly, do friends treat each other that way? Once you heal from the breakup you will not care about him or compare other men with him. But you have to heal the right way and move on before you commit to another relationship. Otherwise you will just follow out the same patterns in the next one. We get suckered back in because they keep saying they love us and miss us. Well of course they do. But so what? That still is no excuse to get back into a dysfunctional relationship. He has a wife and kids, his first priority will always be them. While you suffer alone, he has his family to go back to. Don’t do this to yourself. It’s so not worth it. Just ride the pain and aceept that all days are not created equal. Some days you will feel better and some days you want to reach out so badly that it feels as if your heart is being ripped apart. Sit with it. Let it pass. If you don’t act on it, it does pass. The healing is very gradual, but you do heal every day that you are away from him. Believe in God and the universe and time and whatever else you want to call it. You will get there, the other side of this pain is a beautiful fulfilling life awaiting you. There is. Really. Much love to you.

      • Trish

        This is so what I need. Just being blunt. I went a week without contact. I caved. I’ve spent the past week since trying to think I can have him as a friend and I know I can’t. He wants more and although he says he will try, all talk goes back to the sexual stuff. I’m going through chemo and am scared. Yet he had two evenings of not chatting with me because he has so much going on. Ok. And?? You don’t have five minutes for me. No. He showed he didn’t. Yet I’m sitting here this morning fighting the urge to flirt and get his attention. I won’t. I can’t. He doesn’t deserve it and I deserve better. My true friends check on me. He proved he isn’t a buddy. Wish my brain and heart would meet up soon. I know this can’t go anywhere else nor do I really want it to. Don’t want to break up a family and don’t think we are compatible in the long run anyway. But you are right. It’s like an addiction. He feeds my ego and makes me feel wanted. When he’s feeling like it of course. Ugh.

      • Maria

        Heartbreak…thank you so much for all your kind and encouraging words. They truly help so so so much. You are absolutely right, I can see that I do not want him back, but it’s just the attachment that I am working to release. It is so hard after having talked to this person all day every day. My heart goes out to you for being so brave and being fourth months out of a nine year relationship. I’m sure that you still have your bad days here and there but I love seeing the support and encouragement that you give to all of us that are struggling. It’s very comforting to know that I am not the only one going through this, as for the longest time I felt so alone and felt like such an awful person for being involved with a married man. Much love to you.

    • Sim

      Hey Maria, i know you are probably going through hell now,just like i am. Almost 3 months have passed but my wound is still fresh, and i miss him like crazy. We also knew each other from work but now, each of us is working for a different company and he’s left me because his wife is pregnant. These married men, they never choose us, they give up on us the moments we need them the most. We are always the 2nd option, the one they would never fight for. We do exchange email to make each other feel better, and ive known some of the brave ladies here and we are going through the hardship together. Email me at [email protected] if u want to talk.

      • Maria

        Hi Sim,

        Thank you for reaching out. I will send you an email shortly. You are right…we have always been the 2nd option to the married men. I realize now that there were a couple of times during our relationship where I was very sick. Once I even had to go to the hospital…and he couldn’t come see me. Why? because we are a secret. And the minute their wives go into labor…they will be holding their hands by their side. We deserve better than that. We deserve someone that can drop what they are doing to be there by our side when we need them the most.

    • Miku

      Hey strong and willed women!
      It is an amazing journey with all of you. As i read all your comments. It is empowering just the thought that i am not alone in this kind of relationship. And day by day we grow stronger imagine how our lives would be after this nightmare. If we were able to get into this situation then we can definitely come out of it stronger and better. We still have opportunities unlike our married men stuck with their wives. To those who think they dont even think about us ohhhh hell they are, and it kills them the thought that we can definitely move on after this. So stand up and think and act you can be better. And you can live your life free of baggages! And soon enough i know and i believe we will be with the man we deserve!

      We can do this!

      • Kiki

        Married men are human lol, they can and probably do have feelings for us but remember: more than likely there was someone before you and will be after you. This is what made it easy for me to let go.
        If he truly had “Those Deep Feelings ” he claimed to have for me he would have left no excuses. When a married man says ” I feel stronger for you than my wife” but does nothing to prove that please!!!! Words have been used forever to manipulate women wether the men are married or single. Just know how you as a woman would treat a man that you truly believed was the one… more than likely we wouldn’t let them just walk away. So all this BS of them leaving us alone no contact is just a way for them to emotionally manipulate us. They have observed us and know what most ,not all woman are like when in love. It’s all emotional trickery that’s how it starts, believe me . Cry, scream, lay in bed all weekend whatever you need to do to realize you are worth so much more than sexual scraps. These are cowards , if they truly don’t or can’t leave their wives get a prostitute and quite ruining good decent emotional woman’s lives. They are weak cowards that feed off of US because we let them. Please ladies remember we hold the keys. 😘🙏🏻

      • StrongerEveryDay

        Miku – 100% agree. One of the factors that helps is knowing they think about us and miss us and one day we won’t feel that, but they still will. The tables will turn and we will be happy again to the fullest while they will remain empty inside. We will be the short term sufferers and they will be long-term sufferers. Just remember that everyone and be strong!

    • Aria

      Hi darling I red your story and you know I think those unstable feelings are so normal you have to except them and be strong so you can done this relationship other way you will go back again and again and believe me every time make you fell sader and more ashamed than the last time so just be strong and don’t go back

      • Maria

        Thank you, Aria. I can’t go back to him. I am absolutely done with him. I just need to learn how to move on from the attachment I have. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read and respond to me. Much love to you!

    • StrongerEveryDay

      Hi sweet Maria. I totally relate to you. While my story started slightly different, the communication and breakups with my married man were the same as you. My biggest fear has been that I won’t meet someone who I connect with in the same capacity because I, as well as many others, feel our married men are/were our best friends and soulmates. When people talk about our married men as a drug, it’s the truth. It’s truly an emotional drug that provides a false sense of love and will destroy you. I had the exact same breakup convo with my married man. He said he will respect my wishes, but wants me to reach out any time and said he would always have my back and be there for me if ever needed as a friend. And he always was, but it’s impossible to just be friends. He will eventually give in whether in text or in person, then you will get hooked further and end up with disappointments. Disappointments…countless…that’s a big part of what helped me move on. Just like with anything, it’s a matter of how many times your heart and brain can take a beating before you are done. You will get there. You also have to make a PROACTIVE choice to work on it. I say this because it’s so easy for us to sit and wallow, which is normal, but I started reading articles and then found this website to help cope. Once you read dozens and dozens of similar stories, you realize your situation is not unique. You want to think it is, but learning from others helped tremendously. What hooked me hard one time was seeing my married man cry because he said he couldn’t leave wife and family and wanted to provide for me as the love of his life, but couldn’t as he felt bad abandoning innocent people. That’s when I “knew” he truly loved me and no user would cry like that for me. He was so genuine and cried multiple times. Then, I learned on this site many others went through the same thing. Someone once told me, “oh the tears…they always pull that one.” I was shocked. I have cried so hard the tears wouldn’t stop ever. I’m finally at a point where I don’t cry hard, but I tear up every so often and my heart is very heavy, like I can feel the pain. I KNOW it will keep getting better. How? Because I’ve moved on from my married man once in life and was great then fell back years later when we worked together again. I’m glad you don’t work with him anymore, that’s too dangerous. I also know we will find BETTER because God/life is not going to let the best person for us be unavailable. Not when we live well and are good people in our lives. Just like me, I bet most of us are amazing people who others would never guess would cheat. We were faced with temptation and failed badly, but we are redeemed and free by walking away. We have another chance in life and those guys do not. They will continue to be unhappy. The other thing that helps with staying away is that we won’t have the chance to let someone walk into our lives who will be free to love us unconditionally unless we stay free from married man…texts included. Don’t beat yourself up. I’ve gone long periods without talking then given in as well. It will get better. You deserve so much more. I’m only a few years older than you and mine started when I was 27 too through work with someone that much older than me too. So many of us are in the same situation. Keep focusing on you, read more stories and keep proactively working to get over him. We tend to focus on the good, but thinking about how they have mistreated us and disappointed us helps a lot too. We think they love us, but have you ever been in a worse relationship emotionally? I haven’t. It’s the highest high and lowest low. It’s an emotionally abusive relationship and unhealthy. The guy who will truly love you one day will make you feel like the best woman in the world, not make you lose yourself and cry harder than ever. It’s battle between heart and brain. Focus that brain on the negative and try to break it all down logically to fight what the heart disceivingly wants. We are all here with and for you love!

      • Sim

        Thank u for posting such strong words and bringing over such positivity. We have parted for 3 months already but i cant seem to bear the pain, i cant get myself used to it. Its getting worse and i cry every night. The fact that i was dumped, was left, was abandonded just because he chose to come back to his wife and make her happy kills me every day. He’s willinggo see me dying just to save his wife and his family. What’s left for me? He said he’d with me no matter what and would always protect me, no he doesnt. The moment he had to choose, he turned his back to me without looking back. Now he’s happy with his wife and his family while im all suffering. I cant take it anymore, i just cant.

      • StrongerEveryDay

        Sim – I understand how you feel. Please know that he is likely not happy now. As I mentioned in another post, you don’t break the vows of marriage through adultery then go back to being happy and normal unless you go through true redemption. Repentance and redemption through God and/or with your spouse are the only ways to start over and have a chance to be happy again. It’ll take work too. Most of these guys don’t do that. I would bet that 99% of them don’t. They can act happy all they want, but it’s false. Guys can stay in situations and be content even if they aren’t happy. I’ve seen it with friends and family members, and that’s with not even going as far as infidelity. You have the chance to be happy. You are the free one. You will suffer now until you work through the pain, but he will suffer long-term. It’s hard as hell, I know. Just know he doesn’t just get to snap his fingers and go back to happy home life. He is still living a lie in his marriage by keeping this a secret. You are dealing with the truth and working to resolve it the right way. Stay strong.

      • Maria

        Dear StrongerEveryDay,

        Thank you so much for your comment. It really hit me. (in a good way). You are so right about so many things. Tomorrow marks one month since I ended things with my married man and while I do miss him so much every day, I am doing better than I thought. I haven’t cried every day. I have had a couple of days where I wake up super depressed and feeling like I can’t go on without him. But after I contacted him a week ago, it opened my eyes and made me realize that I CAN go on without him. I feel free and just like you said…he will continue to be unhappy. That makes the pain go away a little. I am making the PROACTIVE choice to worry about me. I need to work on loving myself more and doing things that make me happy in order to move on.

        Truly from the bottom of my heart…thank you so much for taking the time to read my comment and respond to it. It means a lot to me. I am so thankful that I found this site because knowing that I am not alone in this brings a lot of comfort. I hope you are doing well. Much love and well wishes for you!

      • Sim

        Strongereveryday,
        I wish i could think that way, only that i cant. He may not be happy but he’s got everything: his house, his wife, his kid., his job. His wife forgives him for cheating on her and he’s back to her with the full heart, focusing on her and his expecting baby girl. How perfect is that! They are stronger together as a couple, even the storm could not tear them apart, how sweet is that. He may not be 100% happy but who cares, he still gets to wake up having his wife and his family while im still on my own sobbing, they still have each other and he can be with her, comforting her while im being abandoned. In the end, there’s nothing left for me, and him, hes enjoyng life with his wife for the rest of this life.

      • fiona

        Sim – It’s the same here, the affair seems to have made their marriage stronger. I think he’s totally happy. He went from telling me he adored me, he was obsessed with me – to cutting me off with no goodbye.
        They’ve bought the caravan he and I were looking at buying, they got a new dog, she’s posting on his business page about their romantic trip to Paris. Seems I kickstarted their marriage….and got turned into the bitter ex with nothing.

    • Elaine Camm

      Hi Maria
      I understand your heartbreak so much.
      When I met my married man I was married too- that was 7 years ago.
      I broke it off with him in May 2015 and had no contact. My husband became ill in October 2015 and died in June 2016. Later in 2016 I contacted my married man, I had never really got over him and just needed to speak with him. I told him everything I had gone through and it all started up again.
      Our relationship grew closer this year and progressed to ” I love you’s” and to be honest I have loved him since I met him but I had no close relationship with him until this year. After our closeness he started to back off, hot and cold and this is when I started to get depressed and I started to make demands from him.
      I cooled off with him 4 weeks ago and I think it’s all starting to end with him. I am devasted right now but trying to be strong by not contacting him. He has dragged things out for the last 4 weeks, texting and arranging dates which he has cancelled on the last last minute. He has wrecked my head and I am so up and down. Do you have any thoughts for me?
      Thank you xx

  • StrongerEveryDay

    I have been reading everyone’s stories and comments for almost two months now, and they have helped me tremendously. I felt so alone until I found this site and all of you, and I’m truly grateful you shared your stories even though it makes me sad to know so many other women are experiencing such pain.

    For those who have talked to a professional, I would love to know the key learnings and advice provided. I think everyone here could use it.

    A few of you have struck a cord with me, and I wanted to offer you my advice below that has helped me.

    – Please, please, please never end your life. No man is worth it (nothing in life is either). I get it. It hurts like hell. My heart has physically hurt so bad from the pain that I felt like it was going to stop at any moment. The tears WILL stop. They will become less frequent and eventually stop all together even though the hurt may still be there in your heart. Nothing in life is worth ending your own, especially your married man. You are an amazing person, and your life is worth moving forward. It can only go up from here.

    – Your married man is NOT happy without you. He may fake it to friends, coworkers, social media, and even his own family. That’s what they do. They are good at hiding the truth. Happy men don’t cheat, even if you were the only one. No one goes back to being happy in their marriage after breaking the foundation of marriage unless they have true redemption (through Christ or with themselves and their family). How many of these married men do you think have done that? Very few, if any. Don’t get hung up thinking he’s happy make you feel bad…because he’s NOT happy.

    – As someone on this site said recently, yes, he still thinks about you. You’re the best thing he’s ever had. Of course he thinks of you. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it helps. However, you’ll never be able to explain their way of thinking and how they can be so cruel (after all, he didn’t choose you, and you’re not #1 in his life). Most of these guys probably are narcs, but even if some of them are not, they aren’t anyone you want to be around. I feel especially heartfelt for those of you who had a married man who treated you like a princess because it makes it harder to move on versus someone who is a complete jerk. Trust me, I know. There’s something wrong about that sentence because no princess would be kept in the dark and be given such pain by a man. But yes, most of these married men are thinking about you and are unhappy. Use that knowledge to help you gain strength because you still have the opportunity to be happy…and you will the more you proactively work through the pain.

    – You are the lucky one. No matter your age, you still have your life to live and the opportunity to find someone who will make you their world. These married men will continue to suffer in their marriages and even if they divorce, trust will always be an issue with them. You are FREE. I know this freedom hurts worse than anything else you’ve ever experienced right now. It WILL get better. I’m also scared that I won’t find someone who I connect the same with emotionally and physically. But it’s scarier to think about how living off the crumbs of your married man will destroy you. Think about yourself. How many of us grew up with strong morals, faith, happiness, and are also the last people in the world anyone would ever suspect would be in this situation? Think about how you were before the married man and during the affair. Do you like yourself? I don’t. Many of us lost our way. We loved the highs, but the lows (times without the married man), which was most of the time, destroyed us. It’s truly like a drug we heavily used and denied its negative effects. You are still that happy, beautiful, good person. Don’t let this married man ruin that, and you still deserve the best just because of this bad decision. You can still have the world, and you owe it to yourself to go after it.

    – I always read that if you make a list of good and bad features about a guy, and the bad out weigh the good, it tells you everything. I never believed it until I finally did it as I have been struggling like all of you too. I keep this list on-hand and read it frequently. It helps a lot. A lot of you are like me. Insanely stubborn. Even if my married man was single, there are probably some items on the “bad” list that would keep you from being truly happy together, but you still can’t get over him. You try so hard though. Read it over and over again and keep focusing on the negative effects this relationship has had on you versus the good times.

    – It may be hard to talk to anyone else about your situation. It is for me, so I do a lot of online research and watch more church sermons on TV to work on myself. That’s how I found this website. Keep reading articles like this one, it helps a ton. Keep talking it out on here as needed. Please know we are all in this together, and it will get better. There will be a lot of ups and downs, but it will improve. How do I know? Because I finally moved on from my married man at one point in life. When he tried to see me, I didn’t do it because I was happy in a relationship, and I was over him. Then, when that relationship ended unexpectedly, I got a job working with my married man, and my vulnerability let it start all over again. I’m going through the breakup process with this married man again because enough is enough. The pain is unbearable, and we will all be miserable without a chance to meet “the one” until we let the married man go. I know you think he’s “the one” but he’s not. The one would choose you and not be the worst pain in your life. He will continue to live his life with his family, and you’ll be alone suffering emotionally everyday. Save yourself now.

    Much love to you all. We can do this, and you’re never alone. Xoxo.

    • Trish

      This is so perfect. I don’t like myself. I don’t like that my ego and flesh have taken priority to what is right and I hate that it’s separated me from god and yet I haven’t let him go yet. Tried. Didn’t work. And it was me contacting him. He’s never said he’s miserable at home and I do not want him to leave his family for me. I have never felt like this about anyone yet know if he were single, he wouldn’t be what is ideal for me. I’m copying your message to keep reading and get this through my head.

      • StrongerEveryDay

        Trish, thanks for the response. Your comment about drawing you away from God is something I also realized and struck a cord with me. That’s the biggest problem. That alone makes it NOT worth it. A few happy times on Earth is not worth eternity in Hell. Heck, it’s even Hell on Earth with what you go through with a married man. Stay strong lovey.

    • Bitten twice

      These are such empowering points Stronger Everyday! Thank you for posting it. Isn’t it astounding how this scenario has SO many common features, behaviours, and patterns throughout most if not all of the MM relationships ? I agree that the married men are not happy, which is why they wander. When my ex went online to escape his problems with his work, our marriage and his health, he wasn’t happy, but he blamed his cheating on the marriage saying his affair was a ‘symptom’ of our crumbling marriage. I agree there were problems and I was prepared to work on them, but an affair is not a symptom of a bad marriage, it is a CHOICE and there is always hurt involved. Just as chatting with someone online is a choice, having a lunch together, going for a drink, climbing into bed… these are all the choices which can lead to ‘falling in love’ and setting the foundation for creating and stoking an affair.

      I like your suggestion of making a list of the negatives and positives and rereading it. I kept my goodbye letter beside my bed for the first three days, and kept rereading it, as I explained fully how our relationship was impacting me, I thought he should know, and that it was not all about him now having to accept the crash, that I was half of this equation and there were fallouts and side effects from our affair and the breakup that affected me deeply.

      I met a woman in a coffee shop this morning, and we started talking and lo and behold she also had broken off an affair with a married man, What are the chances? ha ha. She believes that married men are weak, that they don’t have the strength to choose you even if their heart wants to, for whatever reason. So don’t hang on to false hopes and dreams that they will leave their partners for you, and if they did eventually, you will likely be broken down and ragged by then anyway ( divorce is not a quick process), not the way you want to begin a real relationship, Plus add in all the baggage they would bring from the ending of their marriage. Do you really want all that?

      The last thing my coffee partner said, was not to idealize the relationship, or the married man. We think they are princes, and maybe they do treat us like princesses when we are together, but they are also actors, and deceivers too, and let’s face it, absence makes the heart grow fonder, A relationship that has periodic visits will have much more spark and passion in it than the ones with the day to day repetition of living together, paying bills, doing laundry, food shopping and living with the total package. Don’t deceive yourself.

      Lastly, we need to keep our heads high, continue to practise letting go, avoid keeping to yourself about your pain, talk to a therapist, a close friend, a doctor..Journalling can be very helpful too as well as practising a letting go ritual..( see thegirlwhoknows.com for her letting go meditation and releasing stagnant energy in your home and heart. Fire is very symbolic for releasing and with the full moon just past, your meditations will be magnified and your intentions will be strengthened!

      Blessings to all of you, this is an opportunity for intense healing and letting go, something we need to do for the rest of our lives. 🙂

      • StrongerEveryDay

        Bitten Twice – Totally agree with you and the coffee shop lady. I like that you said you kept the goodbye letter to re-read. That’s what I do with my list then think about and focus on the negative list examples over and over to reinforce them in my mind instead of only thinking about the good stuff (which let’s face it; it’s just the physical connection and false “true love” connection feeling that we must deattach from to be free). Thanks for sharing!!

    • Going Crazy

      Holy Macinoli,
      This is what I needed to hear, I needed the advice that yes he is still thinking of me. Then my vulnerability shows up again and I think is he really??? If he is then I feel better?
      I am in such a confusing state in my life and have never been here before. I am a middle age mom of three teenagers, one leaving for college in the fall. I have been with my husband for over half my life, married 22. We were high school sweethearts. I can’t say I have never been attracted to another man in all these years. Not really sure what ever even attracted me to my husband. Looking back I would have never married him in the first place. He has never been anything but a good father and hard worker until he hit mid life. Then he started going down hill. Everything was negative. He has always been an introvert and I have always been an extreme extrovert. Now I get on his nerves and he doesn’t hide that fact.
      Have I changed over the last 28 years? Of course I have, but I have become more independent. The “regret” that I have is that I look back and wonder what I could have made of myself if I had not have stayed home and raised my children. How selfish of me to think that way. I wouldn’t have done it any other way. If I could only have had my cake and eat it too. I have three of the best teenage girls anyone can ask for, my regret comes now when after 28 years, my husband and I are now just co-existing. Neither of us like each other, not attracted to each other, pretty much just annoy each other and have admitted it. I have nothing of my own! I work part time at a place I love. I don’t have a retirement plan, it is his, I don’t have a strong bank account, it is his. At 45 I am starting on my own at 55,000 a year trying to build a retirement. His money is his money and I don’t want to rely on that for the rest of my life. If I take a vacation I don’t want to have to “use” his money. If I want to buy a car and I don’t want to have to have his signature because I can’t afford it. And it isn’t because he has said anything other than half of it is mine. I am now in the process of getting a license for work that will double my pay and let me be the extrovert that I am.
      So how does the married man come into play? Well met him at work. He LOVES his wife and has stated it many times. She has cheated on him twice and he still loves her. When I first saw him, I thought holy crap. My stomach got butterflies, my speech was incomplete, he drove me crazy in my head!!!! No one has EVER done that, even if I did find them attractive. Next thing I know a few months later there was “the kiss”. WOW. Back and forth back and forth, feeling great yada yada yada. Then came the day when I was told ” I love my wife and need to focus on her.” CRUSHED. Now I work with him and see him everyday. Talk about crazy. My head goes from end to end in a day. My thoughts are obsessive compulsive. “Is he thinking of me, is he going to text me, why doesn’t he need me, why does she win, why do I lose” to “why am I letting her win, why am I letting him win, I want to win, I want to be happy, I want to be loved”. Crazy is probably what they would call it. Yes I am trying to make a difference in my life and make myself into something my kids would be proud of, that I would be proud of. We will not see each other at work for 3 weeks and his last words to me were “maybe it will do you some good”. Why do I even think twice that I miss him? I guess where I get upset is that he speaks the truth, I lose, I have to change my thinking. I don’t deserve to be spoken to like that so why do I accept that and hope he is thinking about me? Why am I sulking in my own pitty party? Why can’t I put my big girl panties on and deal with my life?
      Thank you for listening to my rambling. This is the first time I have stated it in writing or out loud. I can’t say it makes me feel like I have pushed forward.
      I hope that maybe my “crazy” words are what someone else out there needs to hear so they are not alone.
      Thank you for reading/listening

      • Trish

        My married man will go thru times sometimes a day or three without contact. I’ve made it clear how much it bugs me and he’s done it at least five times. Again last night cuz mother in law is there. Don’t tell me you don’t have two minutes to acknowledge me. Yet I felt bad for telling him he disappointed me this morning when he asked how I was. Why should I feel bad. More importantly why don’t I tell him to take a hike. He ignored me yet again after I’ve told him several times it hurts me. I’m nuts.

      • Rhea

        Hi,
        I hear your pain and confusion. The thing is that you know the truth, your brain knows it but your heart keeps saying different things. Listen to me, don’t let your heart lead you!!! It will lead you astray and it has. You fell prey to this man because you were broken. We all were. Whole, happy people do not have affairs.
        My ex-lover was always honest too. I just didn’t want to listen. I wanted to win. He said she didn’t give him cards, call him affectionate names, make love to him anymore. So, I made it my mission to give him that. I schemed to keep him. But I was exhausted!!! I kept failing to keep his attention. He was hot and cold and it ate me up. I realized I couldn’t win and he wasn’t mine to win. When he ended it, he said he was confused and seemed to want me to convince him to be with me. I was a wreck. He talked with me for 2 hours. The longest he ever did on the phone with me and we were together for a year. He said maybe we’ll be together someday. He encouraged me to work on my marriage. Said he needed to work on his. I don’t buy that!! I cried and told him I regret meeting him. For the first time, I told him I loved him. He said he loved me too. What a strange parting gift. I don’t believe him. He felt like I needed to hear that. Like giving morphine to the sick. I told him I won’t wait for him!! So glad I said that. I needed to let him know that that door was closed. And I’ve killed any hope of reconciling.
        Once before he broke up with me and I called him 9 days later and he wanted us to remain apart. 3 weeks after that I contacted again and met him twice for drinks and then it started up again for 2 months. I am an educated woman. I have a doctorate. I am beautiful and outgoing. I lowered myself for his affection!!! So this time, I marked on my calendar, the days I had contacted him in the past when he had discarded me. This time, I watched the 9 day mark come and go and in two weeks will be another major date and I’ll watch it come and go without contacting him!!! This is my way of taking back my power. This is my way of saying to myself – you made yourself a fool for a year but you’ll redeem yourself!!! I gave him my power and I am taking it back.
        I won’t lie and tell you that I’m ok inside. Some days when I’m busy I’m ok. And other days, my heart aches so badly. I feel like there’s a pit in my stomach. I was in the middle of a conference the other day and for some strange reason I looked at someone’s fingers and thought about his and I felt sick. Last night I had a dinner party at home and while we sat around the dinner table and laughed it occurred to me that on Monday I won’t tell him about my weekend ever!!! I felt like someone had punched me in the gut.
        So I understand all of it my friend. But you must must walk away for your sanity.

      • Going Crazy

        Rhea,
        Thank you for that, you heard the exact same words that I did, no cards, no love, now intimacy. I thought I could fill a void and feel loved. Why can’t I just do as he says and make my marriage work? Because I have been in mine for 22 years and I don’t feel the love either. Thank you for your advice I will be reading it everyday. He is gone on Spring Break and I leave the week he gets back and then I am out another week. So it will be 3 weeks without contact. I should listen to him as he said “maybe it will do you some good”. Yes makes me the crazy one …aaaaaahhhhhh

    • Bitten Twice

      Stronger Everyday, I like your points and wanted to share some learning I received from speaking with a professional who has a spiritual focus. I am only two weeks post breakup, still grieving, and unlike many, we did exchange a few emails back and forth, because for me, cold turkey was not the way to my healing and I have known this person for over thirty five years, always felt a strong soul connection and friendship foundation. He never made any promises, in fact he said we were in an impossible situation at the start and yet he was devastated with my sudden change of direction, so we processed a little so we both understood each other’s perspectives better. He wrote something profoundly beautiful acknowledging that somethings have a short lifespan, like the luna butterfly, but in their life we can see beauty, courage and strength. I recognize it can be tough emotionally to process back and forth like this, but it was the only way for me. In our ending, I wanted to find the meaning to our rekindling, as I knew there were reasons we were reunited, not just to awaken me after a difficult separation involving my husband’s betrayal after 27 years. I have received many gifts or lessons through this. Writing was also our main mode of communication, so this felt right. We haven’t spoken since we broke off.

      In looking back, I see that my married man and I reconnected only a year after my marriage ended 2 years ago.. We first met when I was in my twenties, and had a long distance affair for a year or two. I see now that both of my committed relationships before my partners cheated on me.. How did it happen that I entered my own affair twice after three times being cheated on?

      The healer I spoke to tied everything back to our relationship with our self and our souls, when our choices are lacking integrity or hurting and taking from others, our actions will inevitably block our path to wholeness because we have betrayed ourselves, and left a crack in our integrity with our choice to be with the married man. He called it soul mismanagement, and his guidance was around understanding the structure and framework and regaining our integrity, working on our soul’s self care, and making a sacred covenant to your self to withhold these commitments to our self.

      I have had so many gifts from my relationship and the ending of it, Yes it has been soul breaking, but I have kept searching for where the meaning is in all this and am finding answers and it does help with the pain and grief.. The universe gave us many signs during our friendship, but we ignored them and carried on. My married man even came to a wedding with his partner in my city, and low and behold, the wedding was held at my athletic club a km from my house! When he told me that, I realized how devastating that would be if I had bumped into them, I don’t know if he really understood that initially, as he knows many people and many friends in his business,so he was covered. I was the other woman, not him. I was shaken. He lives 500 miles away, what were the chances, and I was just there the night before with my daughter.

      The healer also said that’ the universe is exquisitely economical in its delivery of lessons, and won’t provide them unless someone needs them. So be aware, and watch for the signs, they are there! At the beginning of our reconnection, I felt like I saw signs that the universe was encouraging our re engagement, in fact it rolled out the red carpet! but that was the love part … eventually the real signs came along with the conflictual emotions and drama.

      As for all the crazy thinking we find ourselves having and the self loathing that comes, this is the addiction, the insane thinking, the attachment to the married man. When I was suffering and lonely one day, I really wanted to call my married man but never could, he didn’t use a cell except on rare occasions, and I thought to myself ‘ how insane is this? With all the technology out there, I am in my 50s, and can’t call the man who I write to everyday, and am in love with? ‘ The power was all one way, and that became clear to me, it was not a balanced relationship of power at all.I was always yielding, in the passive role… and it was also like living in solitary condiment with my feelings, which is so contrary to my personality. It was International Women’s Day and I felt empowered enough and wrote a very long farewell letter.

      The healer made another good point, that we think that the other is making us feel whole and completing us with all of their qualities which attract you, it may feel like medicine, but the wholeness is already there in you. They are helping you see it, or mirroring it.. Eventually the emotional drama, our self sabotage and punishment,makes our happiness and wholeness untenable. He points out that our ‘self’ can be leverage to our soul’s wellbeing and is very much influenced by our choices we make.

      He posed the question, “What is the element behind all of these painful, untenable circumstances we find ourselves in? That we figure out long after the fact, that EVERYTHING matters… that the core of the core of ones’ being is what matters.”

      I found this to be profound and helped me to see my choices and how my betrayal to my self and my self punishment allowed me to continue, as it is vicious cycle. It is similar to the battered wife syndrome really- we feel pushed down, sometimes emotionally abused, but there is the honeymoon phase when we see them again, and so it repeats the cycle. These choices do matter, they all do. I still wondered why we commit these transgressions of our own soul, and yet also contribute to another’s betrayal? Why when we have been betrayed ourselves, do we end up contributing or betraying our own partners or another’s? In looking back, I understood that the two relationships prior to first meeting my married man in my twenties, both partners had betrayed me in our ‘committed’ relationships. I was devastated with the first one. So why continue the pain? I can only believe that the core of our being becomes shaken or broken when we suffer another’s betrayal, and this weakens our foundation, so when the wind blows along, we bend, and lose our commitment to our self somehow. We are hurt, and the next one comes along, loves us, heals us, and we feel they are the perfect one, but they are often not, they are not available, and we sabotage ourselves from finding a committed parter, and settle for crumbs instead.

      So, look closely at your past, and think of this as an opportunity to focus on yourself and your commitment to become whole again. Choose you above all else, and it will change everything- your relationships with your self, kids, your married man will feel it, your family, friends , your colleagues, everyone. This is what I believe and trust now.
      Blessings to all of you, and may you find your path to wholeness and commit to your self and your healing, today. Listen to your inner voice, your heart has had the driver’s seat for long enough and it’s not working for you. The navigation system is broken, you need a new map and a new driver! Good luck! Much love.

      • StrongerEveryDay

        Thank you for sharing! I definitely realize my soul and confidence need improvement. They have deteriorated over time, and I’m looking to get back into church, even if I’m watching sermons online and then hopefully some volunteering. My engagement ended a year ago then I reengaged with my married man months later. If my self-esteem and faith were stronger, I could have avoided it all. I truly believe it’s all about the soul which drives your mind and heart. Much love!

  • Natalia

    Hello, I took the decision today that I have to leave my married man, I just don’t know how, I search for help and here I am… I really want to be with him one more time, smell his chest and hug him soooo hard. I don’t want to say anything, should i change my phone number? Or block him? Or just ignore his text and calls? I don’t know how to do it, I have to leave, this is destroying me so much. Should I send him a goodbye text? Please help me. Thanks

    • Heartbreak

      Hi Natalie. We all want to be with our married men for one more time😔. But this one more time never really end, and thus starts the dynamics of breaking up and getting back together again which is the the hallmark of affairs with a married men and so detrimental to our self worth and peace of mind. I myself am particularly allergic to the disappearing act with no warning, I feel it’s so cruel. No, these men don’t really deserve our compassion, but we are decent caring women and I feel we shouldn’t stoop to the same low level these men can go to. It’s just plain wrong to block/ignore from the get go. I’d just send him an email if you can’t do it in person and tell him not to contact you as you want to focus on moving on. But if you say it, you have to stick to it otherwise you lose face. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries then you are totally entitled to change numbers/ block or ignore. It’s very hard, I know. Have been there. But after sometime the urge to reach out goes away. Hang in there

      • Natalia

        Thank you, thank you, thank you soooo much for every word. Thank God I found this web site… it’s been so helpful, no questions, no judgments…. we are beautiful and strong…. I want to take my happiness back, my enthusiasm for adventure, for freedom….. I’m in NY if any of you are here and need a coffee/drink or something don’t hesitate please. I’m feeling good today because I know he’s in his house stuck because the snow. I hope he stops contacting me… tomorrow would be different when he’s out and start calling me… anyway I’m so happy and full of energy today. Like I don’t want the other feeling back. Good luck girls.

    • lifelessons

      Hello, Natalia. If this is your final decision, then there are a few things that you must be prepared for.
      Today, you feel like you have had enough, like you deserve better than what he is giving you, and you actually feel strong enogh to let go of him for your own sake. You feel today that even though you love him, the relationship does you more bad than good, and you want to finally break free. He may have done something, maybe broke a promise, or said something hurtful, or simply neglected you or your feelings. This has made you angry. You feel that enough is enough. And so, you decide to end it.
      Today, this is how you feel.
      I have been there, so I will tell you this: if you truly want to cut ties with this married man, delete his number (do not memorize it first), block him and delete him on all social network accounts. Leave no loophole that will make it possible for you to keep tabs on him.
      If you keep your married man as your contact, I can assure you that tomorrow, or in a week or two, even three, you will feel an irresistible urge to initiate contact, or worse, he contacts you first which will make it even harder for you to keep silent.
      You may feel like you can do it today, but what of tomorrow? You will miss him and long for him; you will want to know what he is doing and how he is. It’s going to be extremely hard maintaining No Contact. When that time comes, you don’t want to have access to him. Don’t cheat yourself on this; delete him and block him, otherwise I can almost guarantee that you will find yourself back in square one.
      I have tried to end it so many times with my married man, even during the time things were great. He would always convince me to stay with him.
      Natalia, this man will leave you. Make no mistake about it. He keeps you now because you serve a certain cause. He will discard you once you are no longer useful to him or you have become too much to deal with. He will go back to the comfort of his wife and family. He will redirect all of his affections and attention back to his wife. He will not care how this affects you. I don’t know how deeply involved you are with this man, but keep in mind that the more time you stay with him, the harder it will be to let go.
      Do it now. Don’t call it off. Don’t procrastinate. Do not say “just one more time.” I have been there. I stayed when it would have been easier for me to let go, and now I live to regret it.
      Do not wait for him to dump you first. It will hurt more than if you end it yourself. Gain control of yourself now because the more you stay with him, the more you relinquish a little of your power and strength to him.
      It will be hard, but with time, you will not regret your decision to end this toxic relationship. Don’t give yourself reasons to stay with him. I say it again, don’t cheat yourself.
      You won’t win if you do.
      Do it now and stay very true to yourself. It’ll be worth it in the end.

      All the best.

      • Heartbreak

        Love what you said, lifelessons! It’s sounds strong, confident and wise. You know something? Sometimes I wish I could get to know all of you women personally. This pain brings us close and helps us share a bond. It’s unique and beautiful. Thanks to all of you for that.

      • Natalia

        I blocked him yesterday, our last conversation was normal, then I blocked him… today he was going crazy, calling me from different numbers, texting me… demanding an explanation, why he was blocked, what did he said…etc…. I answered at the end of the day, I told him I’m sorry I couldn’t continued this, I’m sorry I didn’t said anything but it was better that way. He was beginning me for a phone call…. I tried to be strong… but I couldn’t… I didn’t saw him, but o told him that I love him, I told him how all this is burning my soul and he just keeps saying… no no you don’t want to do this… you love me and I’m not going to let you go just like that. I can’t talk to him, just hear his voice makes me want to stay. I’m glad I didn’t saw him…. I’m going to keep trying to stay away from him. Thank you so much for the advice. It helps me a lot. I hope this feeling goes away soon.

    • Bitten twice

      I can’t speak for you Natalia, but I wrote a very long letter to my married man as I wanted him to understand how painful my position was and how it was tearing me apart. And then I left it. I felt empowered, lighter, but the grief came after he responded with understanding and tremendous difficulty with acceptance, but he accepted. They have to. If you don’t end it, would it be better if you waited and he ended it at some point? This way you are taking a first step of control in the relationship, and putting yourself as a priority. Every relationship is complex, but because they have to juggle things to make it work, they often can’t see our situation and what we deal with. It can hit them hard. They are not used to being on the receiving end, and it is a shock, but shouldn’t prevent you from ending it. Some go cold turkey, but we have a very long history, with a 30 year gap in the middle, so I chose to respond to his note a few days later. We grieve, it takes time, but keep focussing on what you need now, what is best for you, and trust yourself. Sending comfort and peace.

  • Great woman

    Good day every one I read all comments it’s is painful but gainful.my story goes like this I live in Europe and I met a man in my church , before we started our relationship i asked him are you married he said no. We started and I get pregnant and he was happy as we were getting ready for our marriage I found out he was married in Africa without kids. I stopped the marriage plan. He was crying and saying am the one he loves because for years he has not gone to Africa to see this wife ,yes he cares for me and our child but I can’t live with some man who lied to me, almost getting married to me and he still cheat on me with other women on Facebook and all. Well I leave everything In the hand of GOD.please I feel like talking about what I am passing through I need some one to talk to.bless you all I pray GOD ALMIGHTY give us the grace to move on with our lives and give us the man made for us amen.

  • lifelessons

    Heartbreak, forget-me-not, Sim, Fiona, Flavass, thank you for the concern and for your responses.
    It has been incredibly hard. I almost reached the point of no return. What kept me going is the knowledge that there are women out there who are experiencing exactly what I am going through. You women are wonderful and I am so grateful that I have come across this site.
    I have finally found people with whom I can share the toughest moments of my existence with without fear of judgement.
    Your empathy, and understanding, moves me.
    I’m still in the pits, but I am in a much better state than before.
    Forget-me-not, you are right about the anxiety. I spoke to my Dr and have tablets that help me through the worst of my attacks and my deepest dips into the pool of depression.
    It helps to know that I am not alone. This is why I did not give up.
    My MM is still silent. I keep on checking his last seen; an unbreakable habit it seems.
    I miss him intensely. He plagues my thoughts and my dreams. I was obesessed and almost crazy during the months that passed, chasing him, nagging and demanding answers and explanations from him, acting out. I guess instead of rousing his conscience as I had intended, my actions only pushed him further away.
    Sometimes I wish I was better behaved and maybe he would still be with me.
    To this day, like you, Sim, I know that I would respond to him telling him how much I miss him if he would ever decide to bother to write to me or call me.
    I’m over my obsessive impulses now, to act in order to get his attention. The obesession is now all in my endless thoughts of him, but I trust that this too shall pass.
    In my mind, no man can ever compare to him. I will never find anyone like him. This makes me so sad and all the more difficult to let go.
    But yes, I am going to be okay, dear friend. Thank you so much for asking.

    I wish all of you the best as you progress in your recovery. It’s my heartfelt wish that each and everyone of you find someone who will turn out to be infinitely better than these men who have stolen and then tore our hearts to shreds.

    I will keep on writing here when I feel weak. It has helped me tremendously.

    Much love to all of you.

    • Heartbreak

      Hello lifelessons. It’s good that you wrote in, I was going over the comments in the previous few weeks and was kind of worried because I remember you were talking about ending your life when you first wrote in. I can so relate to what you wrote about chasing your married man and demanding answers, hoping to jog his conscience into recognizing how badly he is behaving to another living breathing human being who he actually claimed to love. Oh! how well I relate to that. What I realized the really really hard way and with the back and forth spanning a good long year, is that it’s such a futile pursuit. Married men develop a staggering degree of detachment to you and your pain, and they do not budge from their comfort zone to give you even a smidgeon of relief. That’s the lack of empathy at play here. And that’s what it boils down to, married men cannot relate to your emotions the way normal decent people can. Yes, you may have been emotional and needy. Who the heck wouldn’t be? Don’t beat yourself up on that, if married men didn’t withdraw the way they do, we wouldn’t need to be so over the top in our pursuit of them. We feel them slipping through our fingers and we want to hold on tight, like we would with anything precious to us. That makes us human. No, however you may have behaved, he would have still pulled the same stuff on you. Trust me, I’ve run the gamut of behaviors and know that they do what they want, regardless or how good or how bad you may behave. That’s who they are. It’s not just married men, it’s all men who don’t know how to behave decently and empathically and do the right thing , however uncomfortable it may feel to do it. The worse thing isn’t the breakup, the worse thing is the way we beat ourselves up afterwards and the soul destroying hit to our self esteem.

      • Twice bitten

        Hello dear ones!
        There is so much tenderness and healing support in these notes, it is so comforting to read. I broke off my relationship 5 days ago, and keep waiting for that empowering feeling to return, but I’m grieving and processing it all still. This is the second time I reconnected with my married man, the first was 35 years ago. He was attached but not married then ( same person) and it was intense, an extremely comfortable connection but I broke it off after I learned they were expecting a baby. I married, was happy for 24 of 27 years, and then discovered my ex was cheating, and our marriage was over. A year later married man resurfaces ( there was rare but occasional contact, openly during my marriage) and we decide to meet. I was vulnerable, emotionally depleted and immediately came alive again, like a wilted flower being watered. I believed we were twin flames because there was such a connection between us. But 6 months later, I decided this living in solitary confinement, being thrown into a dark closet after departures and always feeling I’m having to contain such ‘pure love’ was slowly suffocating me, so I ended it. He never gave me false hopes, I always new it was just a matter of how long I could endure, but deep down there was a thread of hope. The only promise I got was more hurt and disappointment. He was not dishonest or leading me with false hopes, but what Has shocked me is as heartbreak says, the lack of empathy! He has shown no compassion for me and what I’ve gone through in the past or now. I’m just seeing it now for love is blind. ” Love makes the danger in you feel like safety.” Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey It’s about their needs, not mine, and really comes down to selfishness which I never ever saw. I buried it, I was caught in the addiction of his caring and attention and there was so much. I felt so lucky, so fortunate, and now I feel that so much of my personal spiritual work has been destroyed and I’m beginning at square one, with just more clarity, anger, hurt and healing to be done. I still believe the universe is holding all of us in our own perfection and with love, waiting to serve us with more lessons and healing, but it will take time and learning to focus on ourselves and what we need every hour, everyday, every relationship.
        their being selfish

      • lifelessons

        Hearbreak, your words are so truthful. I absolutely agree with the way you describe the impact that this relationship has on the self-esteem.
        We all feel like we are special when they are with us.
        I used to feel like I was the exception with my married man. There was a time when I would never have believed that my married man could hurt me. The notion that he would leave me as he did was simply absurd.
        How wrong I was.
        The other woman will always get hurt.
        There are no winners here, just a pile of broken hearts, bittersweet memories and oceans of tears.

  • Aria

    I just broke up with a married man after 3 months and he was my business partner too. I left our company too, which he couldn’t even believe. He always was so sure this job and company can make me stay even if our relationship ended, but I knew that till the moment we are business partners we can’t really be apart. So I just left everything and moved on to another city to my uni. It’s so clear that he lied and he was cheating to both of us but in my sad moment there is a feeling inside me trying so damn hard to convince me that he does love me. I just want these days to be over…

  • Hardtime

    I have written before how my married man and his wife are expecting. I for some reason cant get myself to do no contact. But i have not started a conversation in over 2 weeks it has been him and he has noticed i have gone more silent. But cant bring myself to say go forever we were good friends long before any of this started. We dont see each other much maybe once or twice a month do to him being over an hour away and finding time to get here is “hard”. So it helps and he plans things last min. Once plus for me though i have started to make plans and not change them if he gets time to come here. The first time was tonight. Last night he said he was coming for work and we can hang out (thats what we call it). I felt proud to say no I have plans and I am not changing them 🙂 I need to celebrate the small steps so I see i am not in this for ever. Hopefully soon I can go NC but for now small steps.

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    My married man and I keep getting back together…idk y honestly…why are we so afraid to let go? Why do seemingly happily married cheat on their wives-im just going by pictures I see on FB…

  • Rose

    Hi everyone
    I had the same issue with my married man, I met him at work he was my boss, after six months he said he fell in love with me and the same with me, he was everything I wanted, he gave me attention, love and respect for 5 months and then started to change his behaviour. He was different before but he start flirting with another girls in front of me and talking about sextual stuff with them and it made me jealous and he knew that and even fought with me about several times. For no reason he stopped talking to me and he knew it’s hurting me. I was the one try to keep this relationship cause I loved him and unfortunately I still do.
    He pictured a beautiful life for me and all the time he said he’ll leave his wife!!!!!
    I changed my job and he said it won’t change anything between us but no more communication, nothing I could meet him maybe every two months for an hour,
    He made an excuse that he’s busy all the time and I was the one always understanding, till almost one month ago we had a plan to meet each other but he said he has something to do and try to manage time to be with me also, anyway it didn’t happened again and I was upset this time when he asked I said I canceled my medical appointment because I wanted to be with you and then he stopped talking to me!!!!
    I’m so miserable right now, try to move on but it’s hard I knew this relationship doesn’t go anywhere but I truly love him .
    Right now I need your advice
    Please help me

    • Lettinggo

      Hi Rose. I too met my married man at work. He was my boss. And he asked me out and i admit i had a lil crush so i agreed. We went on a couple more dates and finally started seeing each other. He told me he couldnt share me with anyone else, so i had to break up with my boyfriend. I refused at first but i finally complied coz he made me believe he was true. He said he wouldnt leave his wife but would make me his second wife.🙄
      And he wanted me to get pregnant for him but i said no. His wife became suspicious and fired me from the office. Which was ok coz i couldnt work there anymore. Itwas painful seeing them together. I got another job, but now we rarely see each other. Maybe once a week. He claims he loves me. But i know this is all not going to end well for me. I want to let him go. I want to tell him how i feel. How i stopped seeing other guys coz of him. And how i still feel lonely even when i have him coz he doesnt give me what i want- what i deserve! Oh and btw, the wife blocked me from his phone but he got another one.
      We spoke yesterday but i want it to be the last time. I want him to know im done. Should i talk to him or should i just ignore him?
      I was falling in love. I have noone else.

      • Trish

        I’m five days of no contact. Not easy. I also know it can’t end well. Either I get hurt or he leaves his kids. I cant do that. I also know I’ll never trust him. We are better off alone than with married men. We deserve more than crumbs and to know they go home to someone else. It hurts and is lonely but it will get better eventually.

      • Sorrow

        Just leave. I know it is hard. It is still hard for me after breaking up for a year, the hurt is as strong as then. But you have to do it for yourself. Trust me, they don’t love you. They never do. You don’t hurt the person you love

      • Rose

        hi lettinggo
        hows everything going?
        i still try to move on but if i only knew why my married man dumped me, maybe help me to stop thinking about him.
        i really need help.

  • TryingtoBreakFree

    Why is it so hard for us to let go? Even though we know what we’re doing is wrong….we are helping married men cheat on their wives…what if we were in the wives place…I most certainly would not be able to handle it…

  • Heartbreak

    Hello everyone. I wonder how everyone is doing in their breakup recovery? I I have been writing in off and on for two months now. I was feeling weak today and I thought I will write in to the most supportive and compassionate group of women I know but don’t really know 😃. It’s been four months broken up from my nine year relationship with a married man. I have moved behind the initial phases of recovery, in the sense that I am not in blinding grief, I am living my life, and I have lost the urge to call or message my married man. If someone sees me from the outside, they would see a confident, assertive and happy woman. And I have moments in which I really feel that i will be ok. But some days like today I feel so sad. I want to cry but can’t even summon up the tears. Sometimes I feel as if the heaviness in my heart will never end. I cannot get over the disbelief of how much a man can change, how he can just cut you dead and go on with his life, and you start questioning all the things that you ever shared together. We shared the same relationship but I sometimes feel I am floundering and while I see my mm just cruising along in his life. What I find so difficult to wrap my mind around is how absolutely these men can turn their backs on you, however caring they may have been when you were together. I feel tired of feeling half alive, although my life is full with work and kids and friends, that need to get validation just doesn’t leave me in peace. And I know that looking for validation from a married man after he decides to break from you) is optimism at best and stupidity at worst. Tell me how all of you feel, my dear friends, I need the comfort that only women from this site can bring me.

    • Fiona

      Hi, heaviness is a good way to describe it – I’m having days where I’m ok too, and then I suddenly get hit with terrible sadness and heaviness. Occasionally I have an angry day which is the worst. I know from previous break-ups that you only feel better when you let go and just wish him well. Same as you I’m still in shock that after so long of not being able to be without me, that he could suddenly just drop me without a word. I’ve been reading about narcissists, my ex was one without a doubt (an artist with a huge ego, but very insecure) and what I’ve read about ‘love bombing’, and then dropping you and moving on without a glance backwards, fits my experience of him. We have to remember that we are better off without them, that it frees us up for something better to come. Hard to do a lot of the time, I sometimes walk around my town like a zombie 🙁

    • Brown girl

      Stay strong Heartbreak. It’s okay to have weak moments. Embrace the good moments and embrace the difficult ones too. We only grow as people through the channel of grief. This was a test put forth from the universe to bring out some kind of a strength that was embedded very deep down within. It’s still quite fresh given that the relationship was almost a decade long. You are doing well, and you have come such a long way since you first parted away. Think of that journey- now try and envision what the next 4 months will be like. This experience was in your destiny so just accept it, embrace it and love yourself through it all. Be kind to yourself, let yourself grieve if it washes over you. Losing someone who is still alive is the hardest thing to do – give yourself that long rope.
      I have been NC with my married man since almost 2 months. The grief comes in waves but I’m in a much better space emotionally now. I’m constantly keeping a check on him on social media and looking for small cues which will show he still cares for me, I need to wean off the stalking soon too, it’s my next baby step. I know I’ll come out of this soon, I have to. So will you.
      Love and light your way 🙂

    • Sim

      HI Heartbreak, it’s great to hear from you again. You are a very brave women and you are facing the breakup after 9 years of relationship. That must have felt like a lifetime to you. Mine only lasted for 1.5 years but I already felt like I’ve known my married man for years. I totally understand what you are going through. It seems to everyone I’m doing just fine, I’m busy at work, a lot of plans and traveling but i feel like doing those things is just a way to keep me survive. I don’t feel anything doing them, I’ve already lost my soul and my emotion. I miss him all the time, in everything I do, everywhere I go. I live my life as normal but I can feel a part of me is dying inside and I can’t do anything about it. The heaviness in my heart goes on like forever, it’s been 2 months already. I’m half dead while all i can picture is how he’s happy with his life, his wife, his family and expecting his first child with a bright future ahead. I don’t know what I’m still looking for, I feel very deadline, sad, lonely, rejected, incompetent and physically and mentally tired. I don’t know when it will go away and I can feel normal again, let alone happy. I share with you your feelings, Heartbreak. I hope you stay strong, because we are here sharing the same pains. You are not alone.

    • Trish

      Doing kinda lousy. We were talking Friday morning after another failed attempt to stay apart. Then just nothing. Usually I would’ve messaged and said he can’t ignore me. Not this time. I’m leaving it as is and although I haven’t blocked him I deleted his messages and his contact. It’s killing me. I’m going thru chemo and part of me thinks I need him. I also know I can and will do this without. I deserve a mans full heart. This is so hard though. I miss him horribly.

      • Heartbreak

        Hi Trish, I am sorry that you are having to go through chemo while you are dealing with a heartbreak. Talk about a double whammy! I can imagine how hard that must be and how awfully it must hurt. My married man couldn’t bear it if I so much as scratched myself or bumped my head but now I think he won’t even blink if I drop dead at his feet. Such is the cruelty of these men. Life goes on regardless, sometimes I feel that I can’t survive another day but then I tell myself I already survived four months, and there is no point looking for relief or comfort from someone who cut you off without a backward glance. I hope you tolerate your chemo and go into remission for your illness, that’s the most important thing to think of now. Much love to you.

      • Sim

        These married men just move on so quickly, as if nothing ever happened. While all that’s left for us is this endless pain. I wonder when it will be over Heartbreak

    • Rochell

      I’m glad I found this group. It’s hard to believe that so many of us have the same similar story. I originally posted a couple months back when I was feeling sad and lonely due to a change in my married man’s behavior. I don’t even remember what name I used on the first post because things seemed to be getting better and I was back in my fairytale. Well, this past weekend I overslept when I was supposed to be meeting with him at 4am. He talked to me so ugly that I ended the call. I was okay at first because I didn’t deserve that, after all it took a month for him to make a couple hours of his time for me. Today I couldn’t get up to go to work. After taking my kids to school, I’m back in my bed reading all of you all posts. He haven’t even called or texted which makes me think that he can care less how I feel. Should I make contact to tell him how I feel or just leave it without closure?

    • Rhea

      Heartbreak,
      I’ve been reading your posts. I can’t wait until I meet the 4 month mark. Tomorrow will be a month for me since he ended it. This morning, on the drive to work, I felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach. The pain was so real and burning me inside. I took off the radio and just tried to focus on the road. Last night, I twisted and turned in bed next to my cold husband. I just want to be free and happy again.

      • Heartbreak

        Hi Rhea. Thanks for reading my posts. Yes, I passed the four month mark. In fact I am nearer the five month mark now. As I was going through time in the beginning, each day felt like a year, and then you look back and realize that one, two, three, four months have passed. It’s been a really long haul, and I am sure if I didn’t work with the dude and keep running into him, I would have been so much better by this stage. However, I do know that there is no way that I would ever get back with him, should he ever want to. Yes, I miss the married man but I miss the man I used to know. This man who is in front of me is a stranger and is nothing and no one to me anymore. Whatever he may have been to me in my past, he changed and the change was earth shattering but I guess that’s the stimulus we need to finally break free. Otherwise the cycle will continue. Once we leave our Mm, it feels so hard because we are not getting much of an emotional connection with the husband either, but we have to look inwards at ourselves for validation and happiness and contentment. And it comes. Sometimes it comes sooooooo slowly that you don’t even notice it. Today I had such a happy day and then I suddenly realized that I didn’t think of my mm at all for a few hours and I was totally in the moment. I couldn’t have imagined that even a few days ago. So you will be free and you will be happy. There is no way to rush the process, that’s one of the most important things I learnt since the break up. And we have to be patient with ourselves during the process, just as we would be with a friend who was going through a heartbreak.

  • julie

    I can relate, but my married man never hid me…his wife knows me, so do his kids…this is a toxic relationship. I want to get out. He never lied to me about getting a divorce, we go out for dinner and shows. HIs wife has left him several times and keeps going back. He’s been married to her for 30 years and we been doing this for 7 years. I never thought I would be in this type of relationship.

  • Biggest mistake

    Ok so my situation is a little different. I’m a married woman that is desperately trying to end thing with a very clingy man. This has been going on for about a year. We met at work (no longer work together) he was very shy and I mad the first move. Within the first week he was already telling me he loved me. I fell for it hook line and sinker. Why? Who knows. Basically, it was fun, he was romantic and he took me out of my day to day. I need to end it but don’t know how.

  • Sorrow

    I don’t even want write much about this married man anymore. Zero interaction with him for a month despite we cross path at work. Not a word , not even looking into each other’s eyes… I finally realised that I meant nothing to him at all. Hard cruel truth….

    • Helpless

      After reading this article I have a clearer picture of my entire situation and i would like to share my story with you guys.
      I’m with a married man for more than a year now and he has been marrie for a year and a half. His wife studies abroad and they have never really lived together for more than a month. I always believed he was with me because he loved me. But lets face it. I was and still am being very naive. Ofcourse he is with me because he wants to have sex with me. He has no company. He wants someone to love him and take care of him like a wife because his wife doesn’t find him important enough to complete her studies here with him. He’s a typical case of a playboy. Considering his entire past. He has dated many girls each for two years. And the last girl he dated, he slept with her just a few days before he got married. This man did not have the guts to marry the girl he says he loved. He married his wife because she was from a rich family, same religion, state, everything. Marrying her was very convenient in every possible way. So when he can choose convenience over love, why am i still a fool to think and assume he loves me and thats why he’s with me. I’m solving a purpose in his life because she is not around.
      But this is not it, he abuses me. He hits me very very badly without the slightest pity. He ignores me for days together. He doesn’t call me back when i hang up. When i say i would leave him, he says okay and never bothers again. Its me who goes running back to him every single time. My situation is so fucked up and more than anything, my brain is even more fucked. I dont realise what m doing or thinking. He’s capable of manipulating me in the best possible way and every single time I fall for his manipulation.
      He’s gone to meet her now and he left two months back. I told him clearly if he leaves, I’ll break up with him. Despite that, he went. He never tried to convince me nor did he try even a little to not leave. He claims he was forced by his family, by her and her family. But i do not feel so. He very rarely has sex with her and i know he’s not lying because i heard it from her mouth that he slept with her only thrice in The month of January. I am really confused and i dont know what to think. The only thing thats clear to me is, he loves her. He has his display pictures of facebook with her. His cover picture is with her. Noone does this if they dont love the person! He claims he’s being extra careful that she never finds out.
      In all your cases atleast the guy finds u important enough to promise a false future. In my case he has told me very very clearly. Leaving my wife is not an option so if you can deal with that, we can go on. Otherwise fuck it! I feel like i have no self respect whatsoever. And I’m tired. I’m tired of being the woman he uses for masturbation. Ladies, these men dont make love to us. They masturbate inside us! And we dont need that from anyone. I know Its easier said than done because I’m still stuck in such a relationship. But i hope to get stronger one day!
      He hasn’t called me for the last two weeks because i abused his wife. He’s coming back this week. And I’m sure he would call me when he lands. My question then would be, why didn’t u call me all these days? So u could get a little peace with your wife. So you could spend a little time with her.
      I’ve even considered ending my life. I’m stuck with this black soul of man who is not only married, but treats me like a slut. In bed and otherwise. Do i deserve this? Does anyone ever deserve this?

  • Mel

    Today I have heartwrenching pain. I spoke to my married man after 10 days of no contact. We decided we were parting ways, but it’s really a huge adjustment after two years and a half of constant communication. We are going to continue going out separate ways, but it is hard for both of Us. I just want him to be happy, and if being with his wife is something he has to continue, I can’t be allow myself to spare my own happiness. But God this hurts so bad. I can’t get up today and I’m so sad…I can’t wrap my mind around the fact hat I’ll never have him again, and it’s hard to imagine that all the special moments we shared are now just memories. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know he’s suffering too because of the fact that I know that this wasn’t something I made up myself. It was a real relationship with real love. I just … I wish I can fast fwd out of this rut. I could never look for this man in no one else because he is unique. All I can do is accept that I am a better person now than I was when I met him, and that I’m better prepared for the person who will put me second to none. I am so hurt….so so hurt.

  • Ms. Heartbroken

    I’ve been with a married man for 2 years. 1 and 1/2 years of waiting for him to love me and show me how special and important I am in his life. I’ve waited too long but honestly I never fail. The moment when I started to show him dat I can leave without him and I don’t even went to see him for months. He got mad, I never thought it is not OK with him. He started to show me how special I am. He started to demand, to know everything and cannot even go out without his permission. He cared for me and even find ALL the time to be with me. We stay that way for 6 months. We never knew that something heartbreaking will happen. Happiness, love, sweetness turned to pain, sorrow and heartaches. His family knew about our relationship. That day he was confused, he called and tell me that his family knew about us and we have to stay down our relationship. He even asked me to just forget him. I cried a lot, telling him not to leave me. I was so broke. My life turns into something unbreakable. Two days after, he texted me and called me, honestly, I am waiting for that. We’ve talked about everything that has happened. I cried a lot to him because I want him to stay. He said he will stay, he said it will be very difficult for us to see each other for the meantime and we do not know when it will subside. We stay, remain texting/calling each other if he has time to do so. I expected his calls every day that it makes me weak every time. Sometimes I’m okay but most of the time I’m not. I love him so much that I cannot even let him go. He loves his family and he loves me too. He made an effort to stay and communicate with me but I don’t until when I can tolerate this. The pain is so deep thinking of letting him go. I suffered a lot, it really breaks my heart not having him. Life seems to be unfair and I started to breakdown. Thinking of leaving him makes it easy in the first place but when he’s there leaving him is never a choice for me. He will leave to US and be back after 2 months. I don’t know what to do, he said he will come back for me and if everything will be going smooth and fine, we will start all over again.

    His wife and children knows about me and even hire for a private investigator to monitor my moves and to know my place. They know my accounts and where I belong. I tried to be strong knowing this things but believe or not, I never think of hurting his family for this affair. I always told him to fix his family first before me. I love him so much to do this things. I give way because that was the right thing to do. I am wrong I know, but loving him is the only mistake I did. I love him. I Cannot even let go. I don’t if I can move on without him but as they say I CAN and I WILL.

    For now, we remain and stay of what we have. I really need your advise. Do you think the time he go to US was the right time for me to move on and find myself again? I am rush into love but I don’t see anyone else because I only want him. But I do hope that GOD has something better for me. How can I bear the pain of letting him go if ever? How can I go on without him? It really breaks my heart… Please help.

    He’s a good man, I know that he really don’t want to hurt me and his family but it already happened. There’s no other choice. He cannot fix both at the same time. I hope that my heart would heal. Please advise.

    • Sim

      Hey ms.heartbroken, i was in a similar situation so i guess i understand what you are going through. You cant move on yet you cant seem to let go because it’s too hurtful to let go when you are still deeply in love. It seems not a feasible choice. Ive been there and we tried many times to break up but didnt work until his wife found out about us the 2nd time. Thats when things ended, and it ended in a very heartbreaking way for me because he was the one who said goodbye and he chose to be with his wife and family. I was left alone and i felt abandoned. No matter how much he said he loved me, it couldnt make up for the fact that he is not with me and never will. Im always his second choice. Im half dead, half alive and i cant think of any ways to move on. It hurts like hell. So if i have any advice to you, that is you should be the one who says goodbye first, take the control because otherwise, you will be beaten up. You know this is not going anywhere, so be the dumper, not dumpee. You will see how the big differences are, because once you are dumped, there’s nothing for you to hold on to, and you will live with the pain for a very long time.

  • LearningFromYouAll

    My married man contacted me today after days of silence, saying how much he misses me and doesnt know what to do. Of course I broke the NC rule..and I feel so guilty and pathetic right now. I dont even love the guy, but still missing him and his messages way too much. This is really toxic.
    I didnt say anything – except that we did the right thing and that he wouldnt stand a chance with me as long as he is married, as I deserve so much better than just being an affair. Funny thing is that I do realize all those things, I know I dont love him – but something is just incredibly pulling me towards him!
    Ladies, I admire you so much for doing so well with your break – ups. I know it is hard, and I didnt even get the full emotional experience yet! I thought it was similar to breaking up with a single guy, but hell no. NOPE. Very toxic and sick…
    Hugs to you all!

    • Trying to let go

      He’s the one who broke silence. The only way you can escape from letting that happen again is to block him on every site and phone you own. The curiosity about whether he has reached out with feel like torture but I will say the grieving and no communication is less bad than limbo land/gray area. I’m only day 3 but plan to take it one step at a time. Each day I’ll set little goals for myself with the first being do not contact and focus on what I need to get done. The toxic ones are intoxicating bc there’s usually crazy chemistry and your brain gets addicted. I hope that each day gets easier for everyone. I already feel lonely but I’d rather be alone and healthy with myself than lonely in a really sick, unhealthy relationship with a married man. IDK about the rest of you but reading posts and online articles about why it’s best to move on helps a lot or at least in the moment.

    • hardtime

      You sound like me. I dont love him but miss him and the messages so much. I always wonder why he did not message me and happy when i hear from him. I have taken his phone number off my phone so cant contact him that way but still have him on facebook, for some reason cant take him off that. But i am taking it one day at a time and hope it gets easier then it is right now.

  • Victoria

    Dear Ladies, trust in Jesus. He can save us from this misery. He is the living God. I am telling you from my own experience. Trust him and pray pray and pray. He will answer your prayers.

  • cathy

    Trying To Understand…

    Im writing this to make sense out of the relationship I had with a married man to see if anyone agrees, or has also experienced, or thought the same way about this. I may be totally wrong and naive but I’m trying to see it in a another light, because I can’t stand the thought that they are are all horrible liars and we were all just being used! I just need to see if anyone else feels the same way! Please tell me if you think I am a sucker I need to hear the truth, so my heart stops hurting.

    My married man was older (50’s) and I really think a lot of the older married men are having affairs and their wives know (not all and some to a a certain extent) but they turn their heads the other way, until it becomes more serious! Then all hell breaks loose. We are the ones that get the short end of the stick when it goes downhill.

    I’m in my early fifties now and had a three year love affair. I thought he was a widower when I met him, he failed to tell me he had remarried immediately after his wife passed away. When I found out, he made me feel so bad for him, he was trapped in a marriage, he wished never happened. He was sad and vulnerable just before and after his wife passed. His new wife didn’t even live with him after they were married, she only came home on weekends. They had been married for about ten years when I met him.

    This whole situation has broken me and I am trying to get myself back again. That is why I am please asking for others opinions on what they feel towards situations like this. I have always tried to see the good in people and I think I am to trusting and I don’t like to see people hurt, or in pain.

    Because of my age, i have talked to so many people (around same age) that do not have any intimacy in their marriages. It always seems to be the same story. The woman says she is not interested in sex anymore. She says it’s because of menopause, or some other health reason. Then they become more like roommates or friends, they don’t have anything in common anymore and their relationship is dull, but polite. They have a nice house, cars, etc. Friends and family think they have a normal marriage. They both think it could be worse, they could be alone and not have the assets they have now, so they accept what they have.

    The married man is lonely and feels rejected at some level, how can you not? I have had several friends tell me this, when it has happened, not just my mm. We would feel rejected too, if our husband didn’t want us anymore! They stay married because they have built a life together and it would totally be a mess if they split up. Plus, at an older age you can usually not afford such a big change. They fall into a pattern of being “friends” or “roommates” my married man was even moved into his own bedroom by his “wife”. The man accepts it, because he has to, he doesn’t have a choice, unless he leaves, but that is almost impossible by this point in your life. It’s easy to say and do when you are young and don’t have baggage and financial ties that are totally intertwined with another person.

    Then one day the married man meets someone (you, us) that jump starts his whole life again! He feels young and happy and has feelings that have been buried for years and years. I know some couples that haven’t been intimate in their marriage in 15 years or more! People say marriages aren’t just about sex, but sexual intimacy is a huge part of who we are and what we need. It brings us closer to the other person and creates a bond that’s deeper than a friend, or roommate. If you don’t have that feeling for each other than there will be problems. It’s part of love and it doesn’t even have to be sexual. Some friends have told me their wives won’t even kiss or cuddle, or hold hands anymore. I kept asking a million questions to friends, so I could understand the man’s side of it. I figured they all can’t just be lying monsters, there has to be another side of the story. The same story came up over and over!

    We are all human and we all need love and intimacy and to feel good about ourselves. When you meet someone that has been deprived of this for a long time and you are on the receiving end, it’s the most ELECTRIFYING joyous, exciting and magical relationship you can ever experience! It truly is!, Especially if you have come out of a horrible relationship also. It’s like two drowning people and you have both found the same life preserver and you feel alive for the first time in years. When we are younger and unmarried, we are free to move onto another relationship if the one we are in doesn’t work out. When we are older and married, we are bound to that relationship legally and everything we have worked so hard for our entire life can go poof, or we lose half of it…So we stay and numb ourselves into believing this is the way it will be.

    I think the married man is so happy to feel again that you become his focus! He says and does things that no one else ever did for you, because he is in such a state of euphoria and doesn’t think the situation through. This makes you feel the same way, so the both of you start living in a wonderful fantasy world…One that won’t last!

    Again, I’m not saying everyone is this way, some men are just users and jerks. I do believe some men are sweet and kind and loving and very alone in their marriage. We become like a drug to them (they are to us also) and they will do and say anything to get their fix. In turn, they start using us, disappointing us and making us feel like we are not good enough to be an actual part of their real life. They create a world they want, but can’t have.

    I think the wife’s radar goes off and she realizes this may not just be a sex thing, he might actually have feelings for the sideline that kept him busy for awhile. I know for a fact his wife knew! She didn’t care, but once it became really serious she put a stop to it and threatened she would take everything and leave him without anything, if he didn’t stop seeing me. That only lasted a week! He just found other ways to contact me.

    We aren’t together now, we can’t be, it was turning me into a mean, frustrated person with a lot of anxiety. I just wanted to write this, not on their defence, because every situation is different…but I really don’t think they all intend to be as terrible and destroy us. They just get trapped in a situation where reality sets in and they don’t know how to get out and actually be with us. Some of them must be in as much pain as we are! But we are better off, we are not stuck for the rest of our life with someone we don’t want to be with, they are! We have the opportunity to meet someone that can give us all of their love and be with us! The mm will never be so lucky!

    This is not an excuse for them and no woman should stay in a relationship like this. It’s not good for anyone involved! It creates so much pain on so many levels. I think that’s why a lot of them ignore us at times, they can’t handle it! A lot of men hide instead of facing how cruel the relationship became for us. I don’t know how one can face themselves in the mirror everyday, after destroying the person they say they loved so much.

    My married man told me everytime we split up he was so depressed he didn’t want to go on, he started trying to find a way to make more money, so he could leave, but I can’t be a part of that. I want to believe it with all of my heart, but after reading how so many were treated, after years of waiting, I had to let go. I would be there for him and be with him, if he contacted me and was free, but sadly, I don’t think that will ever happen and I have to face it!

    Sorry this was so long!

    • Heartbreak

      Hi Cathy. I have the same nature, I see the good in others and I don’t easily give up on people until they have really proved how awful they are and there is no other way to see their behavior except in the poor light that it actually was. And yes, there are jerks and assclowns, and there are nice decent men who just happen to married. I am sure that there are lots of marriages in which the intimacy and sex is not optimal, or maybe in rare instances, non existent. However , this impression that married men give you about how bad their marriage actually is, is blown up to sound worse than it probably is. If the wives of these men were actually asked, I think most of them would be horrified at what a grim picture life with her is being painted as. And even if life may not be romance and roses, it doesn’t really give you an excuse to stray. Although I am in an extra marital relationship myself, I can’t in any honesty justify it by saying it’s because my husband is bad. We commit to our spouse in a marriage and ideally we should honor it. Or get out of it.
      My married man was a very decent person, he was so good to me for eight years that words would fail me if I tried to describe it. I worshipped the ground he walked on and vice versa. There was nothing that he wouldn’t do for me and I never, ever felt like the other woman. I never felt sleazy or dishonored. However for the last one year he keeps withdrawing totally, with not a word of warning or explanation, for no reason at all. Then comes back for some time, withdraw again. This has been done at least four times in the last year and then he finally withdrew forever. If you had asked me a few years ago whether I could imagine him being even a tenth as nasty and cruel, and be so disrespectful and dishonest, I would have said never. But he did it. He behaved in ways that I shudder at, they were so callous and cruel and sabotaging. So it’s not like you can’t be in an affair with a decent man, but most often they never break up with you in a decent way, relationships end all the time but it’s only with married men that they are so long drawn out, torturous and exhausting. Leaving the woman a wreck. And the way we behave after a break up and the way they do is poles apart. We die inside while they go back to wifey. Sure they suffer too, but never the way we do. Maybe they escape because they can’t handle your emotions, but that is not basic decency and cannot we labeled as acceptable behavior by any standards. The least we deserve is to be broken up with in a kind manner. If they are the one who broke up with us, and usually it is them who initiates the breakup, they are in a position of strength and can afford to at least new compassionate. But most move on by trampling on your heart and your psyche and mess you up for ages, if not forever. I am not sure if what I wrote in some way answers the questions you had, but that’s how I feel. That married men may really be lonely, they may be decent people but the breakup is always messy and cruel and very damaging to us.

      • Karla

        Heartbreaker, you were 8 years???? How long were you in pain for? And I thought 6 years was alot….. reading your post and all of the other ladies make me feel somekind of peace

      • Cathy

        Hi Heartbreak, thank you for responding. I’m sorry your relationship turned out the way it did. It’s hard to figure out what is going through their heads, I don’t think they even know 🙁 I wrote that post, because I was trying to look at it all from a diff perspective, I know I am probably wrong, but I am just hoping some of them out there are not just liars and users. It’s terrible to feel like disposable sidelines, I know that for sure 🙁

      • Sim

        Heartbreak, you have laid it all out what I’ve been feeling. The relationship itself was beautiful and I don’t think, in my case, anyone was used or taken advantage of. That’s why it makes the breakup even harder. Sometimes I wish, if he were a jerk, it’d be easier for me to get over it, but he wasn’t. I’m in love with him with all my heart and so was he. What we had was so beautiful. However, he left me to go back to his wife, and all I know is I’m left with all this pain and loneliness and rejection while he’s happy with his little family, just like nothing ever happened. That strong sense of rejection and abandon is killing me everyday, knowing that he can still live happily and fulfill without me. I keep asking the same question, “how could he do that? Falling in love so hard and getting out so easily while I cry almost everyday and my life is all messed up”? and there’s no way out or lift me up from this bad feeling because that’s the fact. He wanted the break up, he never reached out to me again and he’s committed to his wife. What else can I say, or do..

      • Cathy

        Hi Heartbreak, ty for responding…I am again messed up, I felt so strong when I wrote that the other day and then my weak part of me took over 🙁

      • Jackie

        To say “Thank you”, to you would be an understatement, for sharing your story and pain with us. I hope you take really good loving care of you, and know that you are thought of.

    • Trying to move on

      I think if you read the comments you’ll find that most of us share the same story. I’ve tried breaking up with my married man (whom I happen to work for which makes it infinitely worse) for months. He has the same reasons for not leaving that you mentioned. They are financially bound together and have kids. Blah blah blah. IDK about you but ours has been up and down. When things are good they are magical but if any conflict arises he turns into a demon and goes all psychological warfare on me. Finally after the last time we were together and he didn’t even acknowledge me the next day I told myself enough is enough. I called him out and all hell broke loose. I blocked his phone and his email this weekend. I’ll most likely have to find a new job at a different company. We are better off bc we have options and that’s something I hold onto dearly. This hurts like hell and I feel like I can’t get off the couch but this too shall pass. To anyone that is starting an affair with a married man or considering it please run like hell.

      • Patty

        I think what’s hard for me is he will say he misses me and loves me but can go days without messaging me. He can just go back to his wife and kids and pretend I don’t exist. Don’t tell me you miss me. If you did I would hear from you. And even knowing it’s better for me if I don’t hear from him so I can get it through my head that this won’t work.. I just need to know I mean something.

    • Sharon

      Thank you Cathy for sharing your thoughts. You have outlined my situation clearly. I agree with you not all married man are monsters and intended to hurt us in the start but in the end we all get hurt and has to carry on with the guilt, shame, disappointment and bitterness for I don’t know how long.

      • Karla

        Sharon, he is trying to make you feel guilty, dont fall for it. He wants you to release his stress and by that u know what I mean. Ask god for strength and alot. Im asking him every day. My married man broke up with me on Valentine’s day so imagine how im feeling. No more breaks up and making up like we used too. 6 years of my life with him went down the drain. His wife doesn’t even know but I rather suffer than her knowing. His relationship with his wife is of 22 years.

      • Sharon

        Thank you Karla. I am sorry about your break up. I hope you will find the courage to carry on and God will show you the way.
        My relationship with my married man is not sexual. Its emotional. However on valentine day I ended it too as I did not want to celebrate the day as if all was well and the next day call it quit . So I told him that day it was over.
        We did not talk for 2 days. Today we spoke, he assured me in his words that he wants to be with me and that he will come to me. I told him as i always kept telling him , I would only accept him if he comes with his whole heart and soul. If there is a chance for him to work on his relationship at home , I will happily step away. And I mean this with all my heart . But I just cannot accept a relationship where a man’s heart is torn in two. Nor would i break a marriage if that’s where he wants to be and they can work on their relationship.

    • Forget-me-not

      Cathy,
      I read your comment and I agree with how you present your view on things. Perhaps it is not quite the same for the younger married men who either enjoy the chase, or those who are dominated by their high level of testosterone or the ones who are just missing the spark when drowning under responsibilities of raising children. When children come into a relationship it does often change the whole dynamics. The married man who used to have his wife’s undivided attention might have to realize that he can no longer be the center of her universe and the relationship might become more of a struggle. Women get frustrated with their husbands who often can’t cope as well with work and doing their share of the work at home and with kids. Women get exhausted and lose themselves in motherhood and can’t meet the demands the husbands make on top of all that they do and men get frustrated and feel neglected. It’s a vicious circle.

      However, for the older generation, it is a little different. I am also close to my 50s and I do believe it’s exactly how you describe it. I came out a difficult marriage and my married man has been unhappy a very long time in his. When you wrote your comment and reading it made me feel better. It’s as if you were describing my situation though in my case there are children involved and my married man is very involved in their lives. I definitely think that not all married men are just using us but they start sinking under the weight of when fantasy turns to reality. When we start making demands, the affair becomes yet another struggle they cannot cope with because that is the type of men they are. The married men who refuse to let go of their marriage are the types that find too difficult to face their problems and to deal with reality so they need a fantasy to escape to. It is sad. I do not understand their reasoning, even if it is complicated and assets and comfort are at stake. They are just too cowardly. If despite having all that they have are not happy so why not make the necessary changes? Rather, they make empty promises and turn our world upside down and then let us down and hurt us. They might hurt too but they are the selfish ones so I have no sympathy for them.

      You are right though. They are the ones who end up stuck in their unhappiness while we can break free and do have the choice to be happy again, with or without a man in our lives. I guess we all need to learn how to be happy by ourselves first and stand firmly on our own feet. We should not allow anyone to have so much power over us to take that away from us.

      Sorry, my posts are always a bit too long.

      • Patty

        Karla that’s how I feel. I’ve only been with him a few months and he’s become so much a part of my life but he has small kids at home and I can’t be part of them losing their father. Nor do I want to ruin his marriage. I am going on day five or no contact and it’s horrible. But I know it’s best.

      • Cathy

        Hi Forget-Me-Not,
        Your posts aren’t to long, you have something to say and it makes me feel better to read it! Thank you for responding, you are so right, they are cowards…selfish also, or they would realize how they were hurting us. We are the lucky ones, even though we don’t feel like it! 🙂 Ty for responding.

    • Trying to move on

      Hi Cathy,
      I’ve written several posts on this website and after I read yours felt compelled to respond. Everything you described is my married man and our situation to a tee. He has been in a sexless marriage for years bc he no longer has any physical attraction to his wife. She has put on a significant amount of weight (I mean very unhealthy like 100 lbs overweight) and even though he has encouraged her to change her eating habits and work out she does nothing. This has been an issue for five plus years. I’m not blaming her bc I think it takes two to tango and in every relationship there are two parties at play. They have children in the prime of their lives, cars, a house, other assets and mutual friends. He is approaching fifty and says divorce would put them in financial ruins, devastate the kids and potentially risk him losing the support of his family.

      While I do believe there is truth to what your married man and my married man have told us, I also think we need to remember that they have not honored their commitment of “for better or for worse”. We’re merely a distraction and a bandaid to a much bigger problem. I don’t believe it’s black and white. Not every person sets out to be malicious and hurt others. I’ve tried breaking it off numerous times and like you get the begging, pleading and threats of wanting to kill himself. This situation has made me crazy. I’ve fallen into a depression and my anxiety has been unbearable. I used to workout regularly, meditate in the morning, give my undivided attention to friends/family when we’re together. Now I’m like an obsessed, insane woman checking my phone every ten minutes for a message. He can call or text whenever he desires but I’m not permitted to bc his wife might see. It’s so inequitable and after our last encounter and how he treated me the next day I finally had enough. I’m embarrassed by my reaction and wish I had kept my composure but sometimes shit needs to hit the fan. These relationships rarely if ever end peacefully and I knew I was going to lose it. I blocked his phone number and email address so now the only way he can reach me is through work IM. I’ve prepared a response if he tries to reconnect.

      I’m curious how long you have been in no contact and how you ended things permanently? I’m excited to get my life back and return to my true self. Even just after two days of no contact I miss his messages and phone calls but if someone can only give 10% of themselves what are we all really losing here? I won’t miss the emptiness after he left to go home to this family for the evening or hearing about the vacation they have lined up to travel around Europe. Holidays, birthdays, weekends alone… No dinners, holding hands in the street, taking vacations together, movie nights and sleepovers. Why is this so hard when we got so little from them?

      I wish everyone here all the love, support and strength possible. If I could go back… I’ve learned a very valuable lesson and truly believe there are no winners here, only survivors.

      • Cathy

        Oh my goodness Trying, when I read your post it made me tear up and cry! It is so similar, I just can’t believe it! I too have fallen into a depression and have had so much anxiety in the last three years, that there are days I feel like I am going to have a heart attack!

        When i wrote the post, I had been away from him for almost two weeks..he went on vacation with his wife! I set in my mind that I was done, this was it. When I wrote the post, I felt so good and so strong for the first time since we met. I felt like I had my life back on track.

        Sadly, the day after, I started feeling totally depressed and weak and contacted him! It’s like my brain and heart just went crazy and I saw myself typing to him (email) and couldn’t stop myself! I now know how it feels to have a drug or drinking addiction, except mine is to him. I literally could not stop myself! I was so mad at myself after I sent it.

        We are talking again and I told him about what I wrote and how I felt. It’s my fault, I had begged him to stay away and he was finally listening to me and I blew it! I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I have never been like this before, I have always been so in control of myself 🙁

        I’m sorry to all that read my post, I am weaker than I had hoped to be 🙁

    • Heartbreak

      Karla, you asked me how long I was in pain for. I was with him for 9 years, eight were good and the last one year was just series of breakups and getting back for few weeks then breaking up again. The final breakup was November 2016, so it’s just been three months. I am still in pain. Not like I used to be, it’s not a blind agony anymore, but it’s like a constant ache and because I work with him, I see him all the time and that’s not really the best thing when you are trying to move on after a breakup. Sometimes I feel that if he had died I would have found it easier to move on than this. But this time the breakup is for good, I just cannot bear how dysfunctional it had become towards the end. I feel that because of how it ended, all my lovely memories are tarnished forever. Anyway he is not the guy I fell in love with and had the beautiful memories with, his soul just died and I don’t recognize the person that walks in his body and looks through his eyes.

      • Karla

        Heartbreak, I wanna call him so bad and tell him How I feel but I know he wont give a f**** after he screamed to me that he loved her. Its been 6 days and im working and all of a sudden memories come back and my tears come out. 9yrs for you is alot. I woulnt stand to work with him. Does he look at u when u are at work? Not even a hi???. My ex married man left his work like 2 yrs ago cause he didnt want to continue there and my dum quite the job too. So to him as was loyal cause I was right behind him but I was for 2 yrs with job. He pushed me to apply where Im working now and thank god I got the job. He motivated me to apply. He told me since day 1 that he wasn’t going to leave his wifey and I agreed. I try to tell myself it was always the intimacy that kept us together. Im doubting his love now.

    • Laura

      Hi. I am brand new to this site, and your comment really hot home with me. I have just ended a 6 month relationship with a married man and I am sick and devastated. I am 50, the man was 57. Any tips you could give me to get through this would be so appreciated. Thank you. Laura