Help Coping With Depression When You’re TTC and Can’t Get Pregnant 59


Feeling depressed because you can’t have a baby is a natural response to the disappointment of getting your period every month! Here, you’ll find help coping with depression’s numbness, fatigue, sadness, anxiety, and inability to care about life. Those signs of depression are normal when you’re TTC – so you are normal! Not getting pregnant after months or years of trying to conceive a baby is a major life stress.

I can't have a baby and I'm depressed

elp Coping With Depression When You’re TTC and Can’t Get Pregnant

“I can’t have a baby and I’m sometimes but not constantly depressed about it,” says Kat on How to Deal With Depression When You Can’t Get Pregnant. “I am infertile and have been trying to conceive for five years. Generally I am not depressed about it however there are moments when the stress, financial expense and disappointment of failed fertility treatments is overwhelming. I go to an infertility support group and my sister is a therapist, so I do get emotional support.  But the reality is that the pain of infertility will take you by surprise even if you get help coping with depression when you’re trying to conceive but can’t get pregnant. It has been shown that an infertility diagnosis is as hard as having cancer –and nobody would tell a cancer victim to just ‘get over it.'”


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Not everyone recognizes the signs of depression right away. Here, you’ll find the most common symptoms of depressed feelings when you’re TTC and are disappointed to get your period every month. I included behavioral, emotional, and physical signs of depression.





If you can’t have a baby and you can’t shake the feelings of depression and sadness, know that you are not alone. Read through the comments section here and on other blogs about feeling depressed because of the monthly disappointment of trying to conceive. Explore different ways to process your feelings, work through the depression, and maintain your spirit of joy, peace and faith no matter what the future brings.

Always remember that getting pregnant and having a baby doesn’t mean your feelings of depression will be forever over! After having a baby, Brooke Shields publicly talked about her feelings of postpartum depression. “I just felt as though I would never be happy again,” she said, “as if I had fallen into a big black hole and couldn’t get out.”

Actress Linda Hamilton agrees with that description of depression. She said, “The lows were absolutely horrible. It was like falling into a manhole and not being able to lift the lid and climb out.”

Signs of Depression for Women TTC

These signs of depression will help you see that your feelings are normal. You can learn how to deal with depression when you can’t get pregnant – and you will feel alive and happy again!

Numbness, fatigue, sadness, anxiety, and inability to focus are a few signs of depression when you’re trying to conceive (TTC) and can’t get pregnant. It’s normal for a woman to feel depressed; not conceiving a baby after months or years of trying to get pregnant is a huge disappointment. Getting your period every month is heartbreaking.

Not everyone recognizes the signs and symptoms of depression right away. The following signs of depression include behavioral, emotional, and physical symptoms, and will help you figure out if you need to get help.

Signs of Depression When You Can’t Get Pregnant

Signs of Depression When You Can’t Get Pregnant

These lists include a wide range of behaviors that could be signs of depression. If you exhibit more than one or two in each category, then you may be dealing with depression. If you have one or two signs of depression overall, then you may simply be sad that you’re having trouble getting pregnant (which is normal).

If you’re not sure if you’re depressed, talk to your family doctor, a counselor or psychologist, or even a fertility specialist. Reach out. Get help. Don’t struggle to deal with your feelings of depression on your own. You need to stay positive. It’s important to stop focusing on the “I can’t have a baby and I’m depressed” thoughts and start focusing on the positive aspects of your life.

Physical Signs

  • Fatigue, low energy, exhaustion are often signs of depression
  • Poor sleeping patterns – waking early, not sleeping even when exhausted
  • Loss of appetite or, occasionally, increased appetite
  • Loss of sexual interest

Behavioral Signs

  • Withdrawal from people, work, pleasures, activities is one of the first signs of depression
  • Spurts of restlessness can be signs of depression
  • Sighing, crying, moaning
  • Difficulty getting out of bed is a sign of depression
  • Lower activity and energy levels
  • Lack of motivation – it’s a physical sign of depression when everything feels like an effort

Emotional Signs

  • Consistent sadness, misery, and gloominess  are clear signs of depression
  • Overwhelmed by everyday tasks (eg, cooking dinner)
  • Numbness or apathy
  • Anxiety, tension, irritability
  • Helplessness is a sign of depression
  • Low confidence and poor self-esteem
  • Disappointment, discouragement, hopelessness
  • Feelings of unattractiveness or ugliness
  • Loss of pleasure and enjoyment

Cognitive Signs

  • Inability to make decisions
  • Lack of concentration or focus
  • Loss of interest in activities, people, and life
  • Self-criticism, self-blame, self-loathing
  • Pessimism can be a sign of depression
  • Preoccupation with problems and failures
  • Thoughts of self-harm or suicide

Another sign of depression could be anxious feelings about what the future holds. Learning how to deal with anxiety when you can’t get pregnant is will help you cope with depression. Anxiety is helplessness and worry about the future, and can lead to worse feelings of depression.





Help Dealing With “I Can’t Have a Baby” Depression

Getting pregnant does not mean you’ll never have to deal with depression again. To truly heal from depression, you need to learn the source of your depression (eg, biological, emotional, spiritual, situational, etc). And then you need to deal with the causes of your depressed feelings.

Ask yourself if you’re experiencing other causes of depression

You may think it’s obvious that you’re dealing with depression because you can’t get pregnant, but you may have physiological reasons for feeling depressed. For example, you may have too much or too little of different brain chemicals or hormones (eg, low dopamine or serotonin levels can lead to depression). You may have a genetic predisposition to depression. This may add to your “situational” cause of depression. For example, situational causes of depression include the frustration that you can’t get pregnant after spending thousands of dollars on fertility treatments or relationship problems because of infertility.

Different causes of depression can lead to different signs of depression. If you’re depressed because of low dopamine levels, then you may feel tired all the time. But if you’re depressed because you can’t get pregnant and you’re surrounded by happy pregnant women, then you may fell sad only when you’re reminded of your inability to conceive.

And, different signs or symptoms of depression require different treatments. The first step is to talk to your family doctor or even a fertility counselor. Get help. Don’t rely on the internet or fertility forums, or even on inspirational faith-filled blogs like Blossom! Reach out in person, be honest about your struggles, and learn the best way to deal with depression when you can’t get pregnant.

Be open to all possibilities for your life

Can you give up the idea that getting pregnant and having a baby will bring you peace and joy?

Help Dealing With Depression I Can’t Have a Baby

Help Dealing With “I Can’t Have a Baby” Depression

My husband and I struggled to cope with infertility for years. It was only until I surrendered to the reality of our life together that I finally found peace and joy. For me, what works is believing that there is a reason my husband and I aren’t parents. God has our lives in His hands, and He knows what He’s doing.

“If we give up the notion that everybody’s life but ours is perfect, we would be a lot happier,” says psychologist Joy Browne. “Nobody’s life is perfect.”

Even if you did get pregnant right away, your life wouldn’t be perfect. Whether or not we get the desires of our heart, there will always be warts, wrinkles and blemishes in our lives. Sometimes we think we’ll be 100% happy if we could only have children, but that’s not true. If you think you can only be happy – and the only way to deal with depression – is by getting pregnant, then you may find yourself disappointed again and again by your life.

Use your energy wisely

You don’t have an infinite amount of energy, do you? Whether or not you’re dealing with depression, you only have a certain amount of energy to cope with people, work, traffic, problems, and life in general.

Choose your battles wisely. For example, examine your expectations of people. Instead of expecting your husband, friends, family, or doctor to understand how it feels to keep thinking “I can’t have a baby and I’m depressed”…start by identifying what kind of help you need. Don’t make people guess or pry it out of you. Be clear and honest about how you feel, and don’t expect people to know what you’re struggling with.

Allow healing to happen over time

It’s not likely that you’ll simply pray a powerful prayer for healing, and God will miraculously cure your depression. The symptoms of depression are serious, and sometimes even getting pregnant doesn’t make the depressed feelings disappear.

Dealing with depression when you can’t conceive a baby is an ongoing process. You may not find the solution right away. You may have to try antidepressants for three months before you notice a change in your mood, thoughts, and behavior. You may have to constantly turn your thoughts and feelings over to God before you notice that you actually are dealing with depression in emotionally and spiritually healthy ways.

Also – coping with the “I can’t have a baby” blues is sometimes easier if you consider different ways to start a family. If you’re considering adoption, read 10 Things You Need to Know About Adopting a Baby.

Help Dealing With Depression When You Can’t Conceive

how to deal with depression can't get pregnantIf you’re a woman of faith, read Broken Vessel Restored: How to Overcome Depression, Illness, Infertility, and Hormonal Imbalance and Reclaim Your Connection to God by Wanda Cooper. She understands the feelings of confusion and despair, and can help you learn how to deal with depression when you can’t get pregnant.

In this book, Wanda describes:

  • The real cause of mental imbalances and how to stop the suffering.
  • The three nutrients all women’s bodies desperately need.
  • How to heal from past abuse and overcome negative thought patterns.
  • The major causes of depression and how to conquer them all.

Wanda understands the feelings of confusion and despair that keep women from finding their way out of the darkness. With empathy and compassion, she reaches out to every woman who has ever felt broken, disconnected, or without hope.

how to deal with depression can't get pregnantIn The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness, authors Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn explain why our usual attempts to “think” our way out of a bad mood or just “snap out of depression” leads us deeper into the downward spiral.

Through insightful lessons drawn from both Eastern meditative traditions and cognitive therapy, these authors demonstrate how to sidestep the mental habits that lead to despair, including rumination and self-blame, so you can face life’s challenges with greater resilience.

Learning mindful ways to deal with depression when you can’t have a baby is extremely helpful and powerful. Get support and resources – don’t struggle with depressed feelings alone. Find ways to help yourself through the process, to heal, and to get emotionally healthy.

How are you? Feel free to write about how you’re coping with the “I want to have a baby but I can’t get pregnant” feelings of depression, frustration, and futility in the comments section below. I can’t give advice, but you may find it helpful to share how you’re doing.



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59 thoughts on “Help Coping With Depression When You’re TTC and Can’t Get Pregnant

  • Samantha

    I think the hardest thing for me is seeing all my friends having children… on the one hand I’m so happy for them, but if I’m honest deep down there is a tinge of jealousy. Why can’t it be that easy for me?
    Definitely helps knowing there are other people out there feeling how I do. I’m 28, my husband is 31 and we’ve been trying for 9 months. It seems ironing now that when I was younger I was petrified to fall pregnant , but now I’m wanting to and it just won’t happen.
    Thanks for your write up Laurie, it always makes a difference when someone out there shares their experience to help others.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Laura,

    Thank you for being here – I’m glad you shared what you’re going through! I wish you didn’t feel like you have to put up a facade of constant happiness. That seems like it would be so draining and tiring, especially if you’re coping with depression when you’re trying to conceive and can’t get pregnant.

    It’s exhausting to try to be something you’re not – and to pretend you’re happier than you are. I hope you can find places that are safe, like here, to share how you really feel. If you keep pushing away or denying your feelings of sadness and depression, they will become stronger and more unbearable.

    I’ll keep you in my prayers. May you find peace and healing, joy and strength! And may you walk forward in faith and confidence, and know that you can be happy no matter how long it takes to conceive a baby. I pray for wisdom and guidance, and for a healthy baby to bless you.

    May you hear God’s call in your heart and soul, and may you trust that no only does He exist, but He loves you more than you could ever imagine. He created you, He knows you inside and out, and His heart breaks for your pain.

    xo
    Laurie

  • Laura

    I can’t explain how I feel, most of the time it’s ok, I just move on but then there are those months… when you wipe and there it is. You pray to a god you don’t even believe in that it’s just the implantation bleeding you’ve read so much about.. or just spotting that you’ll wipe away and then be peeing on a stick and staring at a positive result. 2 years of trying and I have my first fertility appointment in April. I have foolishly been telling myself that I will end up cancelling it because by then I’d be pregnant.. but here we are. 21.3.17 and along comes AF. I feel empty and like a constant failure. I don’t really know why I’m writing this on here but I just needed to let it all out. I think I am feeling worse because 3 of my close friends are in the middle of their pregnancies and it’s so hard to keep up a facade of constant happiness. Please don’t take that wrong… I love them dearly and am so happy that they are going to have their beautiful babies but sometimes it tears me apart.
    Xx

  • Marissa

    Well where to start my husband and I have been ttc for just about 8 years, once I had taken 4 tests they all came back positive that was about a year in to ttc was so happy told our families and went to the hospital just to be sure it was real but then my heart broke in that day in the room they said that it was negative, now all we do is fight about why I can’t get pregnant, if it’s me or him but then that time of the month it hits me so hard that all I do is cry and stay in bed. I don’t know what to do anymore, honestly thinking on divorce so that if it is me at least he could find someone that could give him a child and happiness because I’m starting to just give up. Today I seen one of my friends post a reveal video and as soon as it ended I broke down I don’t know what to do anymore. I pray every night that we could just have one child, but now I’m starting to lose faith.

    • Nelly

      I’m so sorry to hear what you going through. I’m in the same struggle, have been trying ttc for 9years with my husband and no luck. We have been going through this with other friends of our ours but they got blessed and they all eventually got pregnant except us. I feel like every solution out there can help others but as soon as I come along and try it, it doesn’t work for me and my husband. Worse seeing people that have been married for less years than us conceive without any effort. What have we done to deserve this? I have lost all my faith in God.

  • GARIMA

    Hi I m GARIMA from India me and my partner trying to conceive a baby from 7 years but we haven’t gotten pregnant..I know what a sadness and depression in this stage of TTC but unable. I want to say for everyone who is suffering this stage, that don’t be upset and don’t give up hope because positivity changes negativity!

  • Vinny

    I am a 29 years old man writing here. I woke up to a dream of holding my kid who was just born.I wish it was real.Could not control my tears when i realised it was a dream.My wife is 27 years old and we have been married for 2 years..We have been actively trying for a baby since 9 months.I feel sad when i look at happy couples with kids..I dont get sleep.My sperm count is normal..we wil be going for a fallopian tube blockage test this month..Praying god that we have a kid soon..

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Hailey,

    You’re so young to be dealing with problems getting pregnant – I’m so sorry for your disappointment and sadness. It’s devastating to get your periods every month when you’re trying to conceive. And, there are no easy tips for coping with the depression that results.

    I don’t know anything about medical insurance or fertility clinics in Ohio, and I don’t know if you’re doing something wrong or if you need different information. I honestly don’t know what advice to give you. Even if I gave advice, I don’t think I know what to say to you because I don’t know anything about the health situation in your state.

    But I do know that regardless of what problem you’re trying to solve in life, we need to be as emotionally and spiritually healthy as possible! Dealing with depression on top of trying to figure out your medical health coverage and fertility situation is a huge burden to bear. Especially if your boyfriend doesn’t really understand what you’re going through or how much this means to you.

    So, I encourage you to work through your feelings of depression and sadness. First and foremost, you need to find a place of peace, joy, and acceptance. You need to be healthy and strong so you can make good decisions about trying to conceive and having a healthy pregnancy.

    I just wrote this article yesterday:

    How to Overcome Hopelessness After an Infertility Diagnosis
    http://blossomtips.com/overcoming-feelings-of-hopelessness-after-diagnosis-infertility-problems/

    Please do give it a read, and feel free to share your thoughts.

    May you find peace and healing, wisdom and guidance. I pray for the right answers to come so that your medical insurance covers the tests and treatments you need. I pray for the right doctors to come into your life, and for your relationship with your boyfriend to be blessed with good communication, love, and understanding.

    xo
    Laurie

  • Hailey

    My fiancee and I have been trying to convince for a little over 3 years now and haven’t had any luck. I have talked to my doctor and he tried to put me through menopause… I am 20 I will be 21 In July 2017.. I don’t have a period every month and am lucky to have one after 4-6 months. My obgyn had said that he can not do a fertility assessment because my medical insurance won’t cover it and i called my insurance and they actually do cover it… I have been trying to switch my obgyn but the hospital wouldn’t let me so I plan on moving to a separate hospital but I got in a car accident and recently have no transpertation.. I am severely depressed and my fiance thinks that he is the reason why.. I try to explain but I don’t think he understands.. I don’t know what to do.. am I doing something wrong or is there anything I could possibly do .. I live in ohio.

  • Treena

    Infertility in women is nothing new to me. After dealing with the fact that I’m a barren woman after 7 years of trying to conceive, my husband and I got a lawyer to draw up a surrogacy contract. My sister had agreed to be a surrogate mom for my baby, and we started the appointments with the fertility doctor. But then we had to meet with a nurse social worker. She gave me and my husband a psychological evaluation, and said I wasn’t psychologically or emotionally stable enough to move forward with surrogate motherhood plan. I was devastated, but I also started to let go of wanting to have a child. I’m past feeling like a ‘barren woman’ but I still have sad days.

    At first I started by telling myself that everything happens for a reason – even infertility in women. But other things happened in my life to make me very aware of my spirituality. With meditation and mindfulness I have come to realize that for me my worth as a woman and a human being was tied to my ability to have a child. In my mind I saw my inability to have a child as a reflection of who I was as a person and that because I had failed to have a child I had failed as a person. It has taken years and I’m still not done of untangling my view of who I am (I am not a ‘barren woman’!) and what makes me who I am. The emotional toll of infertility was based on my view of who I thought I was and what infertility meant. Now that I have an identity in God I have more hope and help than I ever thought possible.

  • Laurie Post author

    Hi Julie,

    I’m sorry you can’t get pregnant. It really is one of the most depressing things for a woman to deal with – especially if she’s always dreamed of having kids. It sounds like you’re exploring different ways to cope with depression that results from not getting pregnant. That’s great. I believe you’ll come out the other side, and you may even be a more compassionate, strong, and wise woman after you work your way through the process of accepting infertility.

    Here’s an article that describes two of my favorite foods for coping with depressed feelings when you’re trying to conceive and can’t get pregnant:

    Kimchi and Sauerkraut – Best Probiotic Foods for Healing Depression Naturally
    http://www.theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/kimchi-sauerkraut-best-probiotic-foods-healing-depression-naturally/

    I’m glad you’re not jumping on the antidepressants, though I know prescription medication does help some women cope with infertility.

    Wishing you health, hope, and happiness,
    Laurie

  • Julie

    Hello Lori,

    I can’t get pregnant and I am depressed because of it. I don’t know if I feel better writing down those words because I been talking and writing about my feelings of depression for the whole seven years my husband and I have been trying to conceive a baby.

    My doctor wants me to take antidepressant but I don’t want to. Do you know of other ways to cope with depression without drugs? I’m hoping to find foods that split my mood and spirit naturally. I’ve tried supplements such as blue cohosh but it didn’t work. You don’t seem to be depressed because of infertility. What works for you?

    Thank you,

    Julie

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Jan,

    Have you thought about talking to a fertility counselor about the idea of trying to conceive again? It sounds like your chances of getting pregnant are super low…but you just can’t give up your dream of having a baby.

    I am sorry for your loss. You are grieving the end of what you thought your future would hold. You’re grieving the loss of the idea of getting pregnant and starting a biological family. It is a painful experience, I know. It hurts and it may never fully go away.

    Who can you talk to about how depressed you feel that you can’t get pregnant? I encourage you to share your feelings with a friend you trust — or even a counselor or doctor. Don’t carry this burden alone. If you can make friends with other women who don’t have children, you will feel better — if, that is, those women have accepted their infertility and made peace with it!

    What is stopping you from moving on? It may help to think about the reasons you’re holding on to this dream. It’s normal to feel depressed when you can’t get pregnant…but it’s also so important to work through the grief and find other ways to be happy and content in your life.

    May you find healing for your grief, and joy in your life. May you even find different ways of including children in your life, and may you see the joys and blessings of simply being alive. May you see light and goodness, love and freedom from depression.

    May you find strength to let go of what is not meant for you, and courage to create a life you love.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • jan

    I have all of those symptoms and I know I am depressed but it is circumstantial.
    I am not sure I will ever get over having no children. Does this mean I need to try again ? My chances are about 3% /month so I feel defeated and wish I could move on. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Families are everywhere

  • alex

    i feel i cant look at babies and small kids around me. i can’t see pregnant women – I start crying. it is almost impossible to control.
    I see therapist regularly and she just says keep on trying; my husband talks about statistics and probabilities … i truly can’t handle that well.
    we have been ttc 1 year and 2 month with doctors (2 years naturally) and I am absolutely healthy according to doctors.

  • Laurie Post author

    When you find out you can’t get pregnant because of a health issue such as PCOS, you’ll go through a period of grieving and sadness. This is totally normal, and you need to allow yourself to experience this grief. Finding out you might not be able to get pregnant is a very sad thing for a woman, and it takes time to heal.

    So, allow yourself time to process your grief. Sometimes the “signs of depression” we feel when we find out we can’t get pregnant are normal and healthy stages of grieving.

    It also sounds like you need to make peace with your health issues, your body, and who you are. There will always be babies and children in your life, and they will always make you feel depressed because you may not be able to get pregnant. Finding peace and coping with the depression of not getting pregnant isn’t about learning how to accept your husband’s baby…it’s about learning how to accept yourself.

    You need to make peace with yourself. We all do! We need to accept our bodies and minds the way they are, and surrender to how our life is unfolding. This doesn’t mean we can’t try to get pregnant or have children in other ways…it means we need to make peace with what’s happening right now.

    I encourage you to talk to a counselor who specializes in women’s infertility issues. It’s important to talk to someone in person who can help you cope with the feelings of depression and grief that you’re feeling.

    You may find this article helpful – especially the readers’ comments:

    5 Surprising Secrets for Coping With Childlessness
    http://www.theadventurouswriter.com/blog/coping-with-childlessness/

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Tai

    I have pcos. I have children of my own and so does my husband. But have none together. While dating he found he had a baby on the way by a woman who he had a one night stand with. Once the DNA came back it was around the same time I found out that I had pcos. No I’m resentful, show no type of interest in the baby when she comes around. It hurt so bad. And puts me into a big depressed mood. I try to accept the baby. But it’s so hard. It’s messing up everything. And I want to feel better about it. But it’s still hurts so bad. Help!

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Bell,

    What did the doctor say about your uterus? If you haven’t seen a gynecologist or fertility specialist, that may be the first and best step.

    Taking specific action – such as seeing a specialist about your uterus – may help you feel like you’re moving forward. It may be empowering, which might help ease those signs of depression when you can’t get pregnant.

    The other option is to listen to your husband, allow it to happen naturally, and maybe even think about why you want to get pregnant so badly. Sometimes just knowing why we desperately want something can ease the depression.

    What do you think?

  • bell

    My uterus is out of place so I have not been able to get pregnant and have been trying for almost a year. My cramps are really bad and I am falling into depression. My husband tells me that I need to work out to get it into place but everyone else I talk to say I need to put if into place then work out to keep it into place. I feel like my husband doesn’t care if I have a baby because he says we do not need to get it into place just workout and let it happen naturally. I just feel like the longer it is out the harder it will be tp keep in place and I am low on my faith;( I have three other children and I try really hard to be a good mom but I catch myself being upset and arguing with my husband constantly about everything and crying every day off and on feeling like I do not want to be married anymore.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    I wish I had the right words that could erase your depression and sadness that you can’t get pregnant. I’m sorry you have to experience this, and I will keep you in my prayers.

    If you’re still trying to get pregnant, read:

    How to Stop Feeling Hopeless When You’re TTC
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/ttc-how-to-stop-feeling-hopeless-trying-to-conceive/

    If you know you can’t conceive, I pray that you’re filled with peace and acceptance. Whether you’re embracing a life without children or whether you’re adopting or trying fertility treatments…my prayer is that you find faith, hope, and peace in God.

  • Ayai

    Here is a summary of my story..I never thought it would happen to me. Doctors used to say I could have 10 kids easily!! But now look at me..yuk!! After a miscarriage back in 2002 (thanks to my ex fiance and his sister for doing black magic on me – yes they wanted my child to die they told me to my face), I have been trying to conceive, seen just about every fertility doctor, have done every medicine and exercises and diets and have done hsg 4+ times hoping the fluid would open up my tubes due to bilateral hydrosalphinx. I have insomnia, chronic suicidal depression thanks to this lovely gift called imfertility. Everyday I cry and beg God just for one child, I want to lnow what it feels like to have a babu grow inside me I beg to feel the pain of delivery and I want to know what it feels like to breast feed my baby while s/he looks in my eyes.
    I feel so worthless I hate what infertility has turned me into. I just want to be a woman and have my health and worth back.

  • abbhie V

    Im reading this now and I felt exactly the same.. my hubby and I went to a Fertility Doctor for help and we were doing all the treatment for the past 4 months it was really depressing and I dont know how to handle this emotional situation. Im trying to hide my sadness to my husband and showing him that I will be fine but continuing my everyday seems to be the greatest struggle. Im not the person that I used to be. I distance and start to pity myself I need hope and mercy so I can hold on. My life now is like a circus and this month I was scheduled to see my Doctor all I can do is wait and pray that everything will be back to normal and I can fix the broken pieces left in me.

  • A.A

    Every time I get my periods I go into a depressive phase, I just cannot accept it. my husband has infertility issues but he is even tired of treatments nothing is working. I know he even feels very bad inside I dont know how to accept the fact that I may not concieve ever! I’m trying to accept the fate but its hard, I’m, 25 and seeing my friends getting married and having babies. everytime I see any of my cousin or friend having a baby I feel very very depressed and Want to shout to God that why isnt he accepting my prayers! Its hard and very hard!

  • Jay

    I can copy and paste almost all of these posts into my comment and it would describe what my wife and I are going through. Had one child ‘easily’, had a miscarriage on second, can’t get pregnant, specialists say chances are slim to none. My wife is sad, and mad that she’s sad when we have a healthy child, and isolates herself from everyone because she’s mad and sad, ad isolates herself because everyone nosy old woman she runs into says stupid stuff like “He needs a brother or sister…why do you only have one?…blah blah blah”. It kills me to see her so hurt and to see all of you hurt as well.

    So allow me to give the non-a-hole husband perspective. You are NOT taking anything from us. This does NOT make you less of a woman. We do NOT want to leave you because of this. You ARE still beautiful.

    We just want to you be happy. Men really are simple and I don’t mean that in the ‘stupid’ sense. Most of the time, we just roll with the punches. It is what it is. We know that a child would make you the happiest. And we really do know that society and years of evolution tend to place too much emphasis on child-bearing as standard for a woman’s self worth. It’s not that we think you shouldn’t be sad about the situation. It is unfair beyond description because there really is no rhyme or reason for it most of the time. You have every right to be sad. But PLEASE, do not compound the issue by blaming yourself and feeling that we, your partners, think less of you. We love you.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    It gets easier if you hold on to a core of peace, faith, and joy. Fertility treatments and trying to get pregnant is easier if you believe you are loved by a God who is full of compassion, love, and kindness.

    It also gets easier if you realize that pregnancy isn’t a special dispensation, and infertility isn’t a punishment. God isn’t withholding a baby, or judging you, or only giving favored couples the blessing of a child.

    Infertility is painful and sad, just like cancer or mental health issues or addictions. We all struggle with painful things in this world….and the only way it gets easier is to build a healthy, strong relationship with Jesus. If you offer your heart and your life to Him, you won’t get everything you want…..but you will be able to handle whatever comes along.

    So I guess yes, it does get easier if you hold on to the most valuable thing in the world: God.

    I wish you all the best as you try to get pregnant, and I pray for protection from depression and anxiety. May you trust God, and build a relationship with Him that surpasses everything else.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Louise

    I’m sitting here reading this right now, I feel so alone, but a little less after reading other people are in the same place. My heart is literally breaking. We are coming up to four years of trying. I’m just not sure how long more I can do this. Every month is another blow, it’s just so hard. I want to keep going but I just feel so low, like we don’t deserve a baby, like we’re not meant to have a family.

    We’re about to start assisted. I’m terrified. The whole process has me petrified. Please someone, tell me it gets easier?

  • Roo

    My partner and I have been trying for the best part of 7 years. He has four kids from two previous relationships so I know its not him. He’s 31 I’m 33. I’m falling apart more every day and he’s just angry at me. Doesn’t know why I can’t just snap out of it. I have all of the above symptoms and just in general don’t have much feeling for anyone or anything anymore. I feel so all alone. Even the smallest things are difficult and require so much energy. Even writing this comment is exhausting. I just wanted to write to say I understand and truly know how heartbreaking it is to be woman and not be able to perform your basic anf primary purpose for being. To create, nurture and givr birth to another human being. I hate myself for not being able to do this and can’t understand why …

  • rii

    ive been trying for 5years and its hard, i cry allot, it depressing.
    my hubby & i are falling apart.
    im sorry i cant give him a baby, he loves kids so much. am 29 and he’s 31 and its killing me.

  • Laurie

    Thank you for sharing your experience with depression and not getting pregnant. I don’t think the sadness and disappointment about infertility ever goes away. For me, it comes and goes. Some days I feel depressed that I can’t get pregnant, and other days it doesn’t bother me at all. It helps to be passionate about some other aspect of life, whether it’s work or a hobby or travel. Anything that brings us alive can help us cope with depression when we can’t have a baby.

    My prayer for you is for peace and healing. May you accept this part of your life, and surrender to the possibility of happiness and even joy! There are benefits to not having kids – and I think it helps to embrace and stay focused on the good parts of being childless. But first, we must grieve our infertility. Without the grief process, there isn’t much hope of getting over depression.

    I will keep you in my thought and prayers, that you are able to surrender to what is and move forward in your life, with passion and love.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • anonymous77

    I’ve been trying to conceive for the past twelve years. I’m 38 years old. Depression is an under statement. I’m upset with myself because I was married for 9 years and he all of a sudden said he didn’t want kids. I left. Known him for 22 years. Meet a new guy and he hardly wants to have sex. I’m frustrated with men altogether. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want another relationship. The men these days sickens me. It might be time for me to purchase my first cat.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Mark,

    I’m sorry to hear your wife is experiencing such sadness and depression about not getting pregnant. It’s a very difficult disappointment to overcome, and some women need support and help coping with the signs of depression.

    I think it’s important for you to talk to someone professional, such as a counsellor, to get a firm foundation for yourself. If you can learn ways to walk alongside your wife, you’ll be able to help her — even if she won’t do anything to work on her depression. You can’t force her to cope with her infertility sadness, but you can get information and support for yourself. The more solid you are, the better able you’ll be to help her.

    I wish you all the best – I wish I could be more helpful!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Mark

    My wife and I are trying to have a baby for four years now. We’re on the second round of IVF (2 retrievals and 3 implants.) It’s been hard but I feel the relationship between us is really falling apart. I believe she’s extremely depressed, not really showing any of the physical signs, but rather emotional and social.
    I am a very outgoing person and I like to have people around me all the time. We’re at that time in our age where most of our friends are having kids and it’s an absolute disaster at home when we find out that one of them is pregnant. My wife is entirely isolating us from all of our friends and family (at least for the time of pregnancy and sometimes beyond)
    I’m at the point that I cannot deal with this anymore, we talk a lot about her behavior, but she seems very stubborn and shows no signs of intent to work on her depression and what’s worse, is denying to seek any help.

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you Ashley! My friend recently became pregnant, too, and it does hurt. I’m happy for her, but it makes our infertility a bit harder to bear.

    I’m glad you’re adopting. One of my other friends adopted two boys who are biological brothers, and my friend couldn’t love them more. She was depressed that she couldn’t get pregnant, but she decided to open her home and heart to kids who don’t have parents.

    I wish you all the best in your journey to having your family — of the heart!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • ashley

    I am glad i stumbled across this site, i wish the best for all of us. I had medical issues which caused me to have to have my tubes tied just before my 18th birthday, today my husband and i are 27 and have been struggling with my infertility for almost ten years. The self doubt and jealousness expressed by everyone else are absolutely the same things i struggle with daily. All my friends also have babies, my best friend is currently pregnant with her second, another with her third and so on. All the baby showers and birthdays are more painful than i can explain, but you all know that so well. It is nice to not feel alone. As we get older i also feel so sorry for my husband, if he chose someone other than me, someone that was not broken he could easily have a family and i feel like by loving me he has to make the highest sacrifice and it’s just not fair. To know for sure it will never work is so hard, i wish i could hope and try at least that would be something. But i did not come on here to complain i wanted to offer some hope…. we have recently decided that adoption is how we are going to have the family we so desperately want. For years i thought about all the negative aspects of adoption but as i now go through the process my life has the meaning i so desire. It is honestly an incredible and fulfilling journey and my children will be loved so very much. I would encourage everyone to at least consider adoption and even if it does not seem right now it may in the future. It is not settling, it is choosing to give up on the hopelessness and embrace something different. There are so many children out there that so badly need parents and we are all parents without children. I read this quote on an adoption website and it made me cry, i would like to share it with you….. “adopted children were not grown in our tummy, they were grown in our hearts”
    Best of luck to all of us 🙂

  • Lala

    I am so glad and sad at the same time to see that there are other women going through the same thing and feelings as me. My hubby and I have been married for nearly 8 years and together nearly 10. We have been trying since we got married and nothing. I was always taught to do the right things, be good to others and help every person in need that crosses your path. I feel I have done that and yet feel I still haven’t been blessed with the one thing I want. A child. I see my sisters, cousins, sister in laws, and even my 15 year old niece all have children around me, and some of them under some horrible circumstances, yet I still can’t give my husband a child. I cry a lot. I have always been very career driven, but early this year it just all got too much for me and I had to stop working. I feel bad that I can’t help my husband financially, but I find it a huge struggle to get out of bed. Im really not doing too well right now.

  • Tay

    Me and my husband have been trying to get conceive for 3 years now. I am now 22 and all my friends have kids and my parents are ready for me to have a baby. I always avoid the question because truth is I have been trying for over 3 years. It is very depressing for me to go through this. My ultimate goal in life was to become married and have kids. I love kids and I want kids of my own. I cry ALOT! I keep my feeling on the inside and I feel like I’m losing my mind. I have one friend who has 3 kids and is expecting again and I try best to feel happy for her but deep down I wish I was in her shoes. This is the worst pain I ever felt. I pray and ask God to give me strength and help me to find happiness in this sad time in my life. I sit in my room and imagine what life would be if me and my husband had a children. Please pray for my strength as I will pray for yours!

  • Kahlie W

    My husband and I have been married for 2 years and have been trying since we got married. Im not sure why we havent been able to but its the worst feeling in the world that we cant all I want is to be a mommy. Im a really happy person so its very hard for me to be in this place I hate myself for it. I see all these pregnant women and new babies and it takes me everything not to cry. All my friends who have kids all say it will happen when its suppose to but thats really easy to say when you have kids its something different when you want them and cant have them. I pray all the time and ask God to bless us with a baby and I feel like my prayers are going unanswered. My husband tries to understand but its diffrent for him hes at the point where he gets upset with me for being upset and sad and I know he doesnt mean anything by it but it hurts so bad. Im so mad at my body for not working the way its built to I HATE IT!!!! for not working like its suppose to my body is built to carry children and to give birth and it doesnt work. Im so tired of people telling me to wait and to stop trying and then it will happen I honestly want to hit them when they say stuff like that. Im so tired of being asked when im going to have a baby and not being able to answer. Im glad I found this site it was nice to know that im not the only women that is going this right now I dont feel so alnoe now. I just wish the pain would go away so I can go back to being happy please keep me in all of your prayers!!!!

  • las

    I feel for everyone who has commented on this subject..I too am ttc with no luck..I have been with my hubby for 13 yrs..at 26 I had our beautiful son..who means the world to us..a year ago we found out we were expecting again…a suprise to us..as we were not trying..but I was sooo excited..we went to our first ultrasound and found out the baby had passed..I was devistated..and had to go through a d and c..i remember being at the hospital and thinking why me..but with support of others who went through it I thought ok I will be fine..we will wait our 3 months and try again..so we did..with no luck month after month..I tried the don’t worry it will happen when its supposed to happen..but now 9 months later..and month after month of ovulation tests and making sure I eat right..nothing but period after period..I am so depressed and can barely function..I cry everyday because all I see are pregnant women and newborn babies..all my friends are preggo so I have pulled away and even hiden their posts on fb because I just can’t stand reading their daily updates about how they hate being preggo and how miserable they are..it sucks so bad to know you are jealous..it is such an ugly trait but its a human trait..I hope and pray every day..at the end of this month I have to attend the memorial for the baby I lost and was hoping so bad that I would have something to look forward to..so the tradgedy of losing that baby wouldn’t be so bad..all I want is to be whole again..thank god for my hubby who supports me so much..he holds my hand through every tough moment..even though I know he is hurting as much as I am 🙁

  • Tei

    I’m glad i found this site and read about every one of you it was healing in a way for me. We have been married for 16 years and we were not interested in have kids at all our focus was our studies and career, vacations and free lifestyle as a childless couple. But we dont expected that at our 38 birthday we start talking about our future and how we will be alone for the rest of our lifes. Something in our head just click and our perfectly planed life start feeling to be wrong. Now we cant get pregnant and we are so upset and frustarted that we didnt wanted early and now we cant and there are so little probabilities to get because of our age…i feel so guilty!!! What were we thinking. Now we need to start all over again and accept the fact that maybe we cant and it is hard….

  • Diana

    My husband and I have been married for 2 years and unable to get pregnant. I get so depressed that I go off on him as soon as he does or says something that I don’t like. Idk why I do it I sometimes think its because I want him to leave me. His sister is now pregnant and having her baby this month I’ve never liked her and now even less I feel anger and hatred towards her because she’s always been an alcoholic a trouble maker and a big pot head and I that am healthy very successful have my own children’s charity and can afford a baby and want one so bad can’t and feel miserable nobody understands the feeling or what I’m going through. My cousin just had a baby and I feel extremely jelouse.my family keeps asking why we don’t have kids and I tell them BC I’m too busy when they don’t know that I can’t 🙁 brings so much sadness and tears. Also my coworker gave me the news a couple of days ago that she is pregnant I smiled and congratulated her and I tried to fight back the tears and to be honest I sometimes think of suicide cause I feel less of a woman. This is driving me crazy I see people not caring about their children where if I had one noone would love their kids more then myself.

  • Sam

    Hey me and my hubby have been trying for a baby for two years now but nothing people say its because I’m 19 years old but I don’t think so but I have went to the doctor nothing’s wrong with me and people say if you try for a baby u won’t get it but if u don’t you will is that true but also I’m do damn depressed that all my friends are pregnent and having there babies when they can’t handle it or pay for it but I can I just want to not be a live it hurts so much and can u still get pregnent if ur really depressed

  • Elizabeth

    I just turned 26. My husband and i have been married for 6 years and we have been together for 9 years. We have been trying to conceive with no luck. Im the only one in my family who hasn’t had a baby. My friend have all had babies and I am so depressed about it. I am jealous and heart broken because of this. I keep telling myself I don’t want kids because I think that would be easier instead of getting dissappointed every month when I have my period which i may add is not always monthly so that makes it hard too when you think you might be pregnant. Couple years ago we got custody of my neice and so we have her but its just not the same I have no bond with her you know the kind of bond women get when they are pregnant. Sometimes I am mean to her which make me even more sad. I feel the most bad for my husband. I knwo he wants a baby and im afraid he will leave if we dont ever get pregnant. I have gasined alot of weight because i just dont want to do anything. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  • lisa

    Hi im not really good on saying how I feel but here I go. I have one little girl the light of my life I love her so much:)… I got pregnet again with twins lost them at 24weaks I almost died and they did not make it. my sister was pregnet at the same time as me so when I got out of the hospital I hated her so much I didnt tell her that but I was mad cuz she got to keep her baby that she didnt even want. so what im geting at is its been its been 3years now and I have been trying for 2years no luck 🙁 all my sisters and friends are having kids and dont even want to be pregnet I do omg its killing me I want a baby so bad now I just dont even want to be with my husben or around im he does not understand how much this hurts I dont want to do anything anymore but cry. I should be happy that I have one kid but im not I feel like I should be a mom to more then one kid I dont know sorry im all over the place with my writing but what should I do.

  • Sven Cooke

    Depression can be brought on by not being able to conceive. My wife suffered from it. The feeling of not getting pregnant seemed to spread to all other aspects of her life, in a part taking it over.

    In time with self help processes she was able to conpartmentise the feelings and eventually we succeeded. It was painful experience at the time.

  • Aimee

    My husband and I have struggled to have a baby for 15 years. Mothers Day is coming up and I dread that day. All my friends and family will be celebrating with their kids. Found out a friend of mine is prego and my heart just sank ! I see so many people having kids for all the wrong reasons. Why does it have to be me ! Nobody knows what I am going threw !

  • Beatrice

    I’m extremely depressed for having tried for a baby for 7 years with no results. I know my husband cant give me a child & I’m afraid of disappointing him, yet his mother keeps abusing me for not having beared his son a child. My husband tells me if I leave him for another man, he will commit suicide, kindly help me I’m Kenyan Lady aged 33

  • Coco

    We have been trying to get pregnant for years and no signs of baby on the way. I feel depressed most of the times. Among all of my friends, i am the only one without kids. I really don’t know what I should do anymore. I feel sad, frustrated when hearing other people conceiving

  • Yuri

    I had a miscarriage 5 months ago. It was hard and heart breaking. But I thought I was ok, and now I think I’m losing my mind. I count the days, I see symptoms, I lie to myself. Im unhappy.
    My BFF is pregnant, and I’m beyond happy for her, but can’t help to think that I’m less lucky, or that I don’t deserve as much as her. I’m miserable.

  • Marina

    Im 30 years old yet to have a child. Out of all my friends and family Im the only one without a child. Weve been trying for some time now and nothing. This past couple of years I shared this pain with couple friends who had the same issue. Now they are pregnent and having babies of their own. I do my best to smile and be happy for them. The biggest disappointment came with the news of my husbands youngest brother expecting. They were never trying nor wanted a child. I grew so jealous and despressed watching her belly grow. Then having my husband rub her belly and feel a kick. Just broke my heart. Having to shop for baby clothing and taking about baby showers. I couldnt understand why not me ? I went to baby shower in support for my partner only. It was the worst holding tears trying to be happy. The birth of the baby was just as bad. Seeing my husband hold the baby so happy. I smiled and took pictures just thinking I need to pull it together. I didnt want to hold the baby nor wanted too. As soon as we walked out the hospital doors I begin to cry like Im crying from my soul. All my husband could do is hold me to try to confort me. I feel so bad for him because I know he feels so helpless. Hes caught between my pain and the joy he should for his brother. Now theres word of him being the godfather to their baby. I was at a loss for words. I dont know how to get over how I feel.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Dear Nicole,

    Thanks for sharing your feelings about not getting pregnant. I totally know how you feel – it’s so disheartening, frustrating, and sad to want a baby but not be able to conceive. And it’s even more painful when your best friend is pregnant – it must be a bittersweet feeling that you have for her.

    I don’t know how long you’ve been trying, but remember that it takes most couples a year on average to get pregnant! So, you’re normal if it’s been about a year…and your best friend is extremely lucky to get pregnant after only a month. No wonder you’re depressed – I would be too!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Nicole

    I am so depressed over not getting pregnant, I’m besides myself. Whenever I see a pregnant woman or a baby I can’t even bear to look at them I’m so jealous. Worst of all my best friend is pregnant after trying for 1 month !! She thought she was pregnant and called me asking to come over to her house as she’s nervous to take the test alone. I went to her home she went to the bathroom and in less than a minute she was shrieking with happiness that there’s two lines on the test, she’s pregnant. I’m happy for her but I felt like my heart was being ripped out. I fought back the tears and jumped around the room with her celebrating. My best friend being pregnant really hit close to home I’m filled with jealousy and sadness, thinking of myself as damage goods, I was even jealous of her morning sickness, its pathetic I know. I’ve been trying to get pregnant way before she even knew she wanted to have a child and everything goes perfect for her and not me. She’s even having her baby in October around her birthday and her other half’s birthday she has all the luck. Don’t get me wrong I love my friend very much but I’m jealous of her she doesn’t even know it, I could never tell her how I feel as I fear I would damage the friendship I hold so dearly. She’s having her baby shower next month and I’m gonna have to shop for the baby that’s going to be so hard on the day of actual shower will even be harder but I will grin and bear it. We’ve always done everything together I feel so left out, I hate myself for feeling this way. My other half knows how I feel and he’s advised me to distance myself from my pregnant friend just a little to spare myself the pain, I know he’s hurting too but he remains strong emotionally just for me. I pray daily and ask God to bless us with a child, I’ve always done everything right throughout my life I eat right, I’m at a perfect weight for my height, I’m in my 20s, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I take vitamins, have a beautiful home and other half is an extremely successful business man. I don’t know what else to do, I’m desperate for a baby my other half jokingly says “maybe we’ll get a positive pregnancy test for christmas” I hope so too.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Post author

    Dear SR,

    I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Secondary infertility is just as disheartening and depressing as primary infertility, and yet it’s often not taken as seriously. After all, you already have one child, right? You should be satisfied and happy, right? Wrong.

    I wrote this article for you:

    What to Do When You Can’t Get Pregnant With Your Second Child

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • SR

    I was SO happy a couple years a the birth of my son. Then I wanted another and it hasn’t happened…he is now 4 going on 5. I gained a bunch of weight, started drinking, and had CPS called me. I’m so low and don’t know what to do now. We don’t have the money for therapy and am so lost. God, I hate everything and the only thing keeping my nose above water is my son. I had felt bad and just attributed it working long hours and/or school. Now that I’ve been out of work and not longer have a job and now I know it is much, much more than that. I am empty and don’t have a clue how to get my motivation back ad return to being a real person. I’ve tried the “pull yourself up from your boot straps and it worked for maybe 2 days. What do I do now? I used to be a strong woman and lost her some where along the way.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Kelly, thanks for your advice on coping with depression when you can’t get pregnant. You’re right: depression needs to be taken very seriously! And, the very act of taking any type of action can help with depressed feelings.

  • Kelly D

    When we were in the middle of our infertility journey I knew I was depressed and could admit it. However, when I had those babies in my arms I wouldn’t admit I was depressed and didn’t believe I was – how could I be? I finally had my babies.

    My advice, take it seriously and get help quickly.