How to Protect Yourself From an Ex Who is Stalking You

These tips on how to deal with a stalker will help you stay safe and protect yourself – whether you are being stalked by your ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, a former coworker, or someone you recently met online. Even if you only suspect you’re being stalked, you need to know how to deal with stalking behavior.

How to Deal With Ex Husband Stalking

How to Protect Yourself From an Ex Who is Stalking You

“Thank you for these tips on surviving life with an angry man,” says Tory on 7 Ways to Survive Life With an Angry Man – When You Can’t Leave. “I lived with my ex-husband for seven years before I finally found the courage to get away from him. The problem is now my ex is stalking me. He showing up at my work, he’s following me when I run errands on the weekends, and he makes angry phone calls in the middle of the night. I know he’s stalking me and I know he’s a controlling and angry man, but I don’t know how to deal with him stalking. How can I protect myself? I don’t want to have to move to a new city because my kids are established here. But of course I want us to stay safe! I think my ex-husband could really hurt us. What can I do?”

The best way to deal with an ex-husband stalker is to learn what stalking is and how to protect yourself from stalking behavior. Your ex may not stop at “just” stalking you; he may target your family, your children, boss, colleagues, co-workers, neighbors, and friends. Stalkers hope to isolate you socially and force you to come running back. An ex-husband who is obsessed with stalking you wants to communicate that he still “loves” you, is still interested in you and that, no matter what, you are inseparable.






If your ex is stalking you, you may receive unwanted:

  • phone calls
  • text messages
  • messages left on social networking sites (Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn)
  • notes left on your car
  • flowers left at your home
  • an awareness that you’re being followed
  • being continually stared at by another person

When you’re being stalked, you may feel like you’ve lost control over your life. You’ll probably be forced to change your routine and behaviors. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but it’s the way it may have to be until your ex-husband decides to leave you alone.

“Your angry ex-husband may cope with the pain and humiliation of separation by spreading lies, distortions, and half-truths about you and by proffering self-justifying interpretations of the events leading to the breakup or divorce,” says Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited. 

How is your ex-husband stalking you?

How to Deal with a stalker ex husband boyfriend

How to Deal With Stalker Ex Husband

Write down everything your ex-husband does – especially if nobody else is around to witness his behavior.

In this article, you’ll learn how to deal with a stalker from an ex-wife whose ex-husband stalked her for years. She shares her best tips on how to protect yourself from a stalking ex-husband. I also share tips from an expert on ex-husbands who stalk their former wives.

The most important thing is to get in-person help when you’re dealing with an ex-husband who is stalking you. You can’t fight this dragon – or go on this adventure – alone. Not if you want to survive.

How to Protect Yourself From an Ex Who is Stalking You

Stalking includes watching you, being near you, or hanging around your work, school, or home. Stalking involves a persistent course of conduct or actions by a person – obsessive behavior – for the purpose of getting power and control over you. When you’re being stalked, you feel scared, out of control, or harassed. Stalking can involve threats or innuendo; the stalker generally tries to intimidate or induce fear in you.

1. Contact the police and a lawyer immediately

Most areas in Canada and the US have some sort of anti-stalking laws. The laws vary – and so do the abilities of the police to protect you from an ex-husband who is stalking you. However, the more documentation you have that shows your ex’s stalking behavior (screenshots, records, etc.), the more likely you’ll get help.

Seeking out a Restraining Order against your ex-husband is also a good idea, as it gives you another barrier for protection and another legal option if your ex keeps stalking you. A Restraining Order also means that your ex-husband has been notified by an outside authority to stop stalking you and leave you alone. This way, he can’t claim ignorance or a misunderstanding.

Read What You Need to Know When You Call a Shelter or Safe House if you need to leave your home, but don’t know where to go.

2. Tighten the security and privacy settings on all forms of social media

Block your ex on all forms of social media. It’s also important to take a screenshot of the social media’s page showing the block. For example, when you block your ex-husband on Facebook, take and save the screenshot that proves you are trying to stop him from following you.

how to deal with a stalker

How to Protect Yourself From an Ex Who is Stalking You

Also, reset your privacy settings on every social media account you have – including LinkedIn, GooglePlus, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram. To protect yourself from digital stalking, you need to make sure you cover all your online accounts. Allow “Friends Only” and get rid of any social media accounts you don’t absolutely need to have. This will help you deal with an ex who is stalking you – especially if you remember to reset all your passwords for your emails, websites, financial information, and even your library accounts.

Turn off the location on all your social media accounts and phone apps. Your location doesn’t have to be shared in your online space, especially since knowing your location will help your stalking ex-husband find and harass you.

Change or remove all your personal information on social media sites such as Facebook and LinkedIn – including your profile picture. Delete all types of information, such as your places of employment, relationship status, vacation destinations, etc. Screen, block, or do not accept any new followers or friends on social media. Your ex-husband may create multiple accounts to get in contact with you, so be very careful about who you let follow or add you to their accounts.

3. Learn how cops and legal authorities deal with stalkers

how to deal with stalking ex husband

In Stopping A Stalker – A Cop’s Guide To Making The System Work For You, Captain Robert Snow offers a comprehensive, practical guide to dealing with stalking from ex-husbands, former friends, and even men you’ve just met.

Snow discusses the 10 types of stalking – from intimate-partner stalking to serial stalking – and shares many celebrity-stalking and other anecdotes from the media and the author’s own experiences. The best part of the book details how to protect personal information from your ex-husband’s stalking eyes and how to respond to unwanted contact before it becomes violent.

4. Record everything your ex-husband is doing to stalk you

Even if it seems like a “little” form of stalking behavior, write it down. Be organized and diligent with your screenshots  contacts, notes, photos, and observations. Keep a separate file of all contacts you have with your ex-husband – even if it doesn’t seem like an instance of stalking. Write down all the sightings, dates, and times you interact or see your ex-husband.

Remember that your ex-husband is stalking you, even when he’s being charming and cute. You know him better than anyone…do you trust him? Probably not, if you’re searching for tips on how to deal with a stalker! So don’t stop making notes of your interactions with him.

5. Tell your friends and family that your ex is stalking you

You may feel embarrassed or even ashamed to tell your friends and family that you’re being stalked by your ex-husband, but you have to notify them. Telling them about your ex’s behavior will help keep them and you safe – and it’ll keep the children safe, too.

Tell your close friends and family members not share your information with your ex. Tell them how dangerous your ex-husband is, and that he can use seemingly innocent information to stalk and hurt you. Advise them to document everything your ex does to them – especially if he starts stalking them as well. Make them aware you may need to leave a place or event quickly if your ex-husband shows up, and that you may need to contact the police in such an event.

If you’re being stalked by an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, read How to Break Free From a Controlling Relationship.







6. Limit contact with people who don’t take stalking seriously

Your friends and family know your ex-husband – and may even be related to him. They may dismiss your concerns, and say your ex would never stalk you. If your friends and family don’t take your concerns seriously, then limit everything they know about you. Don’t include them in your life and activities, even if it feels rude or painful.

Remember that if your friends and family don’t take your ex’s stalking behavior seriously, they won’t respect your need for privacy, safety, and not being talked about.  Limit what they know about you so you can protect yourself. This will help you deal with your ex’s stalking behavior.

12 Quick Tips for Dealing With an Ex Who is Stalking You

These additional tips on how to protect yourself when an ex-husband is stalking you are from Sam Vaknin.

  1. Do NOT contravene the decisions of the legal or justice system when you’re dealing with an ex-husband stalker. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings – but NEVER rebel against judgements or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests, which will make it easier for your ex to stalk you.
  2. Do not respond to your abusive ex-husband’s pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.
  3. Return all gifts your ex-husband sends you. Don’t be afraid to be rude!
  4. Refuse to allow your ex into your home or work. Do not even respond when the intercom buzzes or the doorbell rings.
  5. Do not talk to your ex on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice. Make it clear to him, in a single, polite, firm sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.
  6. Do not answer your abusive ex-husband’s letters.
  7. Do not visit your ex on special occasions, or even in emergencies.
  8. Do not respond to your ex-husband’s questions, requests, or pleas – even if he sends messages through your friends and family. This is still stalking, even when the messages don’t come directly from your ex.
  9. Disconnect from third parties (eg, family, friends) if you know or even suspect they’re reporting your activities back to your ex-husband.
  10. Do not talk about your ex-husband with your children. Don’t tell them what your ex is doing, or how you plan to deal with his stalking behavior.
  11. Do not talk about him to anyone.
  12. Do not ask your ex-husband for anything, even if you are in dire need.

Learning how to protect yourself from the man you once loved is painful and difficult. But you have to remember that he isn’t the man you fell in love with. Remember that you’re searching for tips on how to protect yourself from an ex-husband who is stalking you…and you can’t let your guard down.

9 Ways to Deal With Scary Stalking Behavior

It’s important to reach out for help if you’re dealing with an ex-husband who wants to stalk you. These tips are for information only – they’re not a personal plan to protect yourself from a stalker. Call a police station or women’s advocate organization for help protecting yourself from a stalker.

1. Don’t try to appease your ex-husband

You may feel like the only way to deal with your ex’s stalking is to try to buy peace. It doesn’t work, and it’ll backfire in the long run. Submissiveness and attempts to reason with your ex-husband will only make him stalk you all the more. He sees your attempts to appease and make peace as contemptible weaknesses, vulnerabilities to exploit.

You cannot communicate with an ex-husband who is stalking you because he’s paranoid. Why? Because he will distort everything you say to support his suspicious delusions. Your ex has a sense of entitlement and grandiose fantasies – that’s why he’s stalking you. You cannot appeal to a stalker’s emotions or sense of compassion.

If you have to talk to your ex-husband, read these Examples of Verbal Abuse in Relationships. The more you know about abuse, the better able you’ll be to protect yourself from stalking behavior.

2. Consider taking a self-defense course for women

how to deal with a stalker

“How to Protect Yourself From a Stalker” image by notfetishistka via DeviantArt

When you are forced to meet the stalker, do not discuss your personal affairs. Don’t allow yourself to get trapped into talking about his life or personal affairs.

You might consider taking a self-defence for women course, from an organization such as Wen-Do Women’s Self-Defence. They believe that, in a male-dominated society, women’s experience of violence and the fear of violence is typically different from men’s. Therefore, it’s vital for women and girls to have access to self-defence courses taught by women, for women and girls only.

3. Never meet your ex-husband alone

Ask your lawyer, counselor, divorce mediator, accountant – anyone involved – to take care of all discussions with your ex-husband. Know in advance if you have to have contact with the stalker, and always have someone else around (preferably a professional who is aware of how to deal with stalking behavior from ex-husbands).

4. Always keep your distance from your ex

If at all possible, put as much physical distance as you can between yourself and the stalker. Change your address, phone number, email accounts, cell phone number, enlist the kids in a new school, find a new job, get a new credit card, open a new bank account.

Do not tell your ex-husband about your whereabouts and your new life. If you want to stop your ex’s stalking behavior, you must make painful sacrifices…perhaps even including having minimal contact with your loved ones, family and friends.

5. Always be alert and prepared to protect yourself from the stalker

Make your local law enforcement officers aware of changes in your ex-husband’s stalking activities. Check out your neighborhood domestic violence shelter, consider owning a gun for self-defense (or, at the very least, a stun gun or mustard spray). Carry protection with you at all times, even if you think your ex would never stalk you in certain places. To protect yourself, keep your protection close by and accessible even when you are asleep or in the bathroom.

6. Protect your computer from electronic stalking

Is your computer being tampered with? Is someone downloading your e-mail? Has anyone been to your house while you were away? Any signs of breaking and entering, missing things, atypical disorder (or too much order)? Is your post being delivered erratically, some of the envelopes opened and then sealed? Mysterious phone calls abruptly disconnected when you pick up? Your ex-husband may have found sneakier ways to monitor and stalk your activities and life.

7. Notice any unusual pattern, strange event, odd occurrence

Someone is driving by your house morning and evening? A new “gardener” or maintenance man came by in your absence? Someone is making enquiries about you and your family? Your ex-husband may be stalking you in different ways.

8. Teach your children what stalking is – but don’t terrify them

how to deal with stalker ex husband

How to Protect Yourself From an Ex Who is Stalking You

Every situation between ex-husbands, ex-wives, and children is different. Learn the best ways to deal with your ex’s stalking behavior from a counselor or police officer who is aware of your situation.

At the very least, teach your children to tell you if anything their father does is out of the ordinary in their relationship with him. Stalkers often strike where it hurts most: your children. Explain the danger to your kids without being unduly alarming. Make a distinction between adults they can trust versus adults they need to protect themselves from. Involve your children in your safety plans.

9. Avoid your instinct to get revenge on your ex-husband

Sometimes the stress of being stalked is so painful, frustrating and infuriating that you feel like striking back at your ex’s stalking behavior.

Don’t do it. Don’t play his game. He’s better at it and he will likely to defeat you. Instead, unleash the full force of the law whenever you get the chance to do so. Use restraining orders, press charges against your ex-husband when you can, and allow him to spend time in jail for stalking you. Remember that the more your ex-husband is visited by police and other law officials, the less likely he’ll be to keep stalking you.

Your comments and stories about protecting yourself from a stalker – or an abusive ex-husband – are welcome below. I can’t offer advice on how to deal with stalking behavior, but you may find it helpful to share your experience.

Also, please share insights or information about protecting yourself from ex-husbands who stalk women. Knowledge is power – the more we know, the better equipped we’ll be to protect ourselves.

Help Dealing With Stalking Behavior

how to protect yourself from a stalkerRead How to Stop a Stalker by Detective Mike Proctor. One out of every 12 women and one out of every 45 men in the United States are stalked in their lifetimes.

If you’re dealing with an ex-husband who is a stalker, this book is an essential. It’s a survival guide for women who are targets of predatory ex-husbands. In How to Stop a Stalker Mike describes how to identify a stalker, how and why they stalk, what to do if you are being stalked, how to collect evidence, and how to get the criminal justice system on your side. Get as much information as you can about dealing with a stalker.

If your kids are having trouble with your separation or divorce, read How to Help Your Children Through a Painful Divorce.

xo

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What's going on in your life? Tell me below!
I don't give advice, but writing can bring healing to your spirit and soul.
Take heart, keep the faith, have courage ... Laurie

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61 Responses

  1. Laurie says:

    Dear Quinn,

    I’m sorry you’re going through this – it must feel so scary to be stalked by your ex-husband. I can’t imagine how helpless and alone you must feel. It’s especially difficult when people act differently around you, and he is having contact with them. I can tell from your comments how scared and confused you are.

    I think the first step is to contact the police. Ask them for help protecting yourself from an ex husband who is cyber stalking you. Also, call the women’s resource centers and organizations in your community. I don’t know what’s available in your area – you need to call and find out what in person resources you can access to protect yourself.

    Also, be open to making major changes in your life. Perhaps you need to move to a new city, or even just get a new cell phone! I don’t know what exactly your ex-husband is doing to cyber stalk you, which is why you need to call the police in person. Get specific tips to protect yourself.

    Will you call for in-person help today, and let me know what you discover about protecting yourself from your ex-husband’s stalking behavior?

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  2. Sad state says:

    I am being accused of stalking. I came from Australia to california, but not before caring for my ex financially and emotionally for 2 years in Australia. She had no money and I took care of her completely. In Cali she kept using me .. Then one day she leaves me with out telling me anything. All i wanted was a reason.. I figure in my mind. All I did for her financially surely is worth a conversation. Maybe an apology? She could even send a txt msg explaining her actions. I’ve been used. I just need something from her to feel balanced and so I can return home to Australia feeling whole. If that’s 1 conversation and a few questions answered. Then I can leave.
    Take responsibility for your actions and don’t cry stalker. I’m naturally suspicious of anyone that says “I’m being stalked” now. God has witnessed the BS I’ve had to endure. And now being labelled a stalker.

  3. Quinn says:

    I’m having problems with an ex husband. He’s cyber stalking me and my friends and family are listening to the recordings he’s sending them. He’s trashed my former job, my school with class mates and teachers turning against me. Also turning other people of importance against me. It’s been two years now and I think he either bugged the house or keeps breaking into my phone. I can’t stop this and people get mad at me when I bring it up. I have no privacy. I’ve been recorded having sex without my consent, everything I say when at home or in my car has been recorded, my car had been broken into, my house. He’s ruining my life as people turn against me and they blame me. No one will really tell me how he’s contacting them, I just know he is and now I’m not working and I’m on a leave for school. Also I think he’s editing what he’s sending to others to frame me. People act very different around me now. I know he’s doing this because people repeat what I say what it wasn’t said to them. It was at my home. I don’t know how to prove this but I am fearful, I feel horrible and I feel miserable because no matter what I actually say everyone in my contacts, Facebook or email hears what he wants them to hear and he makes me look like a monster. How do I prove he’s doing this? He once told me revenge is a dish best served cold. He’s a gun collector and he’s still angry that I divorced him. I had to. How can I protect myself when he’s got me right where he wants me and he’s doing the stalking through the internet/my phones he keeps breaking into. He turns people on me and he doesn’t make contact with me, but he scares the sh*t out of me. Please help

  4. Maria says:

    I am currently being stalked by my Exs new partner. We remain friends and now this woman is hacking all of my accounts email social media local memberships to find out what I’m
    Up to. Her family owns a huge internet company so she uses their access to harass me. She calls my children and yells at them ☹️ Tells them to stay away cause he’s got a real family now. She threatens him to get a restraining order against me or she will help make sure my kids are taken away. I left him cause he’s a huge asshole and don’t want him back in the least! She is telling him that if he gets a restraining order against me then she will leave me alone unless we talk she will have me arrested!!

    • Maria says:

      Thanks so much for your response it means a lot to me.
      I also hope that you will also find the peace that you are entitled to.
      I am a Lawyer and l know exactly what need to do. However, when you feel with depression and anxiety, you don’t have the strength to do things. Unfortunately today l was again victim of his obsessive behaviour. I went to do my nails just to make me feel good with myself. However he followed me to Costa. I just pretended l did not see him and left as soon as possible. Probably he followed me up to hairdresser he normally stays in the car and sends female friends to humiliate me in front of my friends, the owners of the hairdresser. Well l had enough and today am drafting a warning letter to him to stop his irrational behaviour. If he does not stop it then l will apply for a restraining order before the Magistrate’s Courts.

  5. K says:

    This is fantastic information about protecting yourself from a stalker. I wish my family would take some of it to heart.

  6. AK says:

    Thank you, this is good information about protecting yourself from a stalker. There’s alot to absorb but it’s good to refer back to. Stalking is scary.

  7. Marcia Wilbur says:

    my cousin lives across the road from me, along with his wife. he was a perpetrator when i was a child, and he abused me. i confronted him about 6 months after he moved in across the road from me. i have had a sense of being watched for some time now, and have also been vandelized. i believe he or they have planted bugs in my home, and also have cameras. they have destroyed things in my home, emptied my garage of tools, put a hole in my roof, and tonight when i went out to walk my dog she was barking and growling in that direction. they seem to know my every move, even when i change my schedule. they have called my township and complained about my property. this has been going on for six years, since they moved here. i have no visible proof, as anything they have taken, he will have stamped his name on. i am sick and tired, and contemplating moving. this property has been in my family for 4 generations. what can i do? i’m on a very small fixed income, and i’m disabled.

  8. VOLTIMOR says:

    I know a gal who seems to accuse everyone of stalking her. I have a sick feeling she is also accusing me of the same thing or has once I called her out on her bs. It’s super annoying to made to feel like you’re a stalker and not only does it hurt it’s pretty messed up and narcissitic. Once I say something she doesn’t like or agree with she claims verbal abuse and instead of trying to resolve conflict she pulls the silent treatment and then accuses me of stalking …then after some time goes by and I’m finally moving on she reappeared with help I’m a victim again of some guy . Rinse lather and repeat phuck

  9. Coping says:

    I just realized that I am being stalked by an older female employee. I always thought she was crazy and mean, perhaps a little aggressive. Recently I started really thinking about some things she has said and done , then I came across an article that gave signs that you may be being stalked.

    One year I filled in for a supervisor for a short time, so I had to answer her questions and help Anna from time to time. I believe this is when she really started this unhealthy attachment to me.

    I think I’m a nice patient person and that’s all she wrote. She started telling me stories about her family and so-called boyfriends. I felt like I could throw myself out of a window every time she opened her mouth, but I would listen. Then her conversations started getting more personal, she started grilling me about my husband and children. However, I very cautious with what I share to co-workers so I would be very vague. One day she brought me a gift for my birthday and Wham! Bam! Boom! That opened the Pandora Box.

    I could not get her off of the phone. I eventually stopped answering her phone calls, then she started calling me from different phone numbers. I then started screening all of my calls and I believe this is what is setting her off.

    Since, we work together she’s all ways making subtle comments about my body or clothes. She gives me the creeps, she has tried to follow me home. Anna waits for me when I go walking with my friends at work (they are starting to see this pattern too). She’s cut off the top of my flowers, moved my cabinet, chairs and trash can to the other side of the work floor. Of course I don’t have concrete proof but I know she did it.

    She’s trying to find out where I park my car but I’m constantly moving it so she doesn’t scratch it up. It’s hard to get her fired because she’s good at what she does, she’s one of the last people to leave the job as we work in shifts. So, it’s easy for her to do her deeds when no one is watching.

    As of the past month, I’ve saved six of her phone calls. At first my husband said delete them and don’t even listen to them. I wish I would have saved them, it would have been over 100 calls. Word of advice to someone that works with a stalker or someone like this, do not under any circumstances accept any gift, share any stories or answer any phone calls from these type of people. You will live to regret it.

  10. Laurie says:

    Hi Mace,

    You can’t convince your girlfriend to do anything differently. I know you care deeply for her and you want her to be safe, but you can’t change how she behaves. And the more you push her to call the police or report the stalker, the more she’ll dig her heels in. She believes in her own strength and ability to take this guy on, and there is nothing you can do to change her.

    Say it once, then give her freedom to live her life. Tell her that you’re concerned about her and that you wish she would learn how to deal with stalking behavior more responsibly…and then let it go.

    I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but you have to let your girlfriend be independent and free. She is an adult, and she believes she is handling the stalker appropriately. Share your opinion once, and then respect her judgment.

    All good things,
    Laurie

  11. Mace says:

    My girlfriend just told me today that this guy was stalking her in another town next to the one she is in now and he wouldn’t stop following her, she just saw him today walk by her home and she looked at him and he stared at her and said “what.” she watched him continuing to walk away but saw he turned onto a street near her home. she is now afraid he knows where she lives because she was standing on her porch when he so happened to walk by. He was long gone by the time I got to her place or i would have informed him she isn’t alone with me around most of the time. But what scares me is that she seems confident she can take him on and im not saying she couldn’t but i read that it is unwise to confront a stalker alone and apparently she is pissed he so happens to walk by her in another town because she apparently once told him off before a couple months ago in the other town to leave her alone, she went to a neighbors and apparently the woman even went to go look quickly to make sure he wasn’t making a round about to come after her but no sign of him. How do i convince my girlfriend to not try and deal with this alone? especially when she is aware he is a raptist, he could have a weapon on her if she attacks and im afraid she can get stabbed to death or shot or overpowered and he gets his way. HOW do i tell her not to take this guy on alone?

  12. Tracy Al-hajiri says:

    I work for Walmart and I have had a guy watching me for hours from the aisle next to where I’m working, I have him on video even. He was watching me work and when I started going in his direction he quickly got up from a bent position and walked the other way so I wouldn’t see him. But I did and I recognized him and immediately went to management and he disappears. It’s stalking behavior. The week before that I was doing some work on my scanner and I noticed him walk down the aisle in front of me, and then after about 2 minutes something told me to look back and sure enough he was standing behind me just 2 feet away and he dashed around the corner when I saw him. I’m just scared at work and am having to constantly look over my shoulders. I don’t know what’s in this guy’s mind or what he’s capable of. Is he stalking me?

  13. Ashk says:

    My sons father and I broke up I kicked him out well since then he’s been harassing me threatining me saying he’s watching me and if I bring another man he will hurt them and go to prison and prove his point then this morning he was trying to break in and get inside and then was inside my car making the battery die messing with the cords idk how to help but then Friday he was banging on my bedroom window looking in and then I find out he’s living the house behind me how and txting me crazy txts how do I get help wen he is now living behind me and my son I fear him

  14. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience with being stalked. It’s so scary, and it makes us feel helpless and vulnerable. I had a horrible experience with stalking, and really feel for women who are being stalked.

    I pray for safety, wisdom, and resources to help you deal with stalking behavior. I can’t give advice, but I encourage you to call a women’s help line and your local police department to get more information on stopping a stalker. Don’t wait until it gets really bad — it’s better to act now, not later.

    May you be strong and safe. May you be wise and thoughtful, and may you journey through this stage of your life in safety and peace.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  15. Audrey Michelle says:

    Very good information. Do you have any further reading on stalking? My situation holds some similarities however, my stalker is covert. He has proven to be in my life daily however, with almost no direct contact.
    I have lived with a constant feeling of fear and small things that were off, however so random and indirect that to recognize them was to fear paranoia over knowledge.
    He seems to control everything and everyone. I can comprehend some things however, I don’t know what is real or imagined… If any of it is imagined…
    Thank you! Big Vaknin fan.

  16. Laurie says:

    If you’re dealing with a stalker, it is extremely important to get information from your local police department. The cops may not be able to protect you all day and night, but they gave give you tips on how to protect yourself from stalking behavior. They can give you safety tips, and teach you ways to avoid getting stalked and even worse.

    Call your local police department – or go visit them in person. If your stalker sees you going to the police, he’ll be more likely to leave you alone!

  17. MIchelle says:

    I’ve been stalked by my X it is the most horrible thing to happen to a person

    I am now being stalked at work by a creep at work who parks and waits for me to get to work and whenever I go to lunch has been parked..there is only one way out and I cannot avoid this creep or I would..I’ve changed my parking and my hours several times and the creep seems to always figure it out..I am getting so annoyed that I wanna hurt this person but know It’s meaning the creep is not worth it…I do not want to get work involved because parking is no crime but I know what it’s(meaning the creep) is doing simply because I’ve been stalked before..the weird part is I don’t know this creep and never want to get to know it(meaning the creep) I just wanna be left alone

  18. Sheila says:

    Thank you for writing this. I’ve been stalked since 1992. I had always assumed it was my sister-in-law being insecure, so I ignored it. Things progressively became worse. Acquaintances of mine were harassed. I lost jobs. I even lost two leases (one apartment and one office) due to the harassment.
    I divorced two years ago but my ex-husband wants to continue to live in the basement of the family home. He hasn’t honored our divorce decree and spent most of the money I was awarded by the court. He still blames his sister for the stalking, the break-ins, the gps box on my car and all of the weird things going on. I recently learned my sister-in-law died of cancer three months ago. The stalking and bizarre behavior continues.
    There is something about your article that made me wake up and realize that my ex-husband is behind it because he does many of the things you listed. I’ll get into therapy to try to figure out how to solve the situation.

  19. Laurie says:

    If you feel like you’re being stalked and you aren’t sure how to protect yourself, you need to call the police or legal aid. Find out what rights you have against stalking behavior, and what you can do to keep yourself safe. Different provinces and states have different laws, rules, and regulations about stalkers, and you won’t get the individualized help you need on the internet – unless you’re on a government or police website that is specific to your area.

    Remember that different police officers and stations may give you different levels of support. Don’t give up — keep calling the police or women’s protection groups! You don’t have to live in a prison, but you do have to keep trying to learn how to protect yourself. Right now, your main priority is learning how to stop the stalker from destroying your life.

    You might also consider moving to a different city, state, or province. I know it’s incredibly disruptive, but maybe it’s the only way to keep yourself sane and safe.

    I wish you all the best as you protect yourself from someone who is stalking you. May you find peace, safety, and security.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  20. Ginger says:

    Maybe someone can help me, and NOT judge me because I honestly have nowhere to turn ..
    Two years ago my marriage was falling apart – he was having an affair and things were bad. I met a man, we became friends and over the course of time, more. He had a long distance relationship and lives in the home they once shared, (she owns, he pays the mortgage). He said they were over the romantic aspect, and were now just financially linked. I never ever saw her around and mutual friends that had known “them” for years said they had an “odd arrangement” that seemed to corroborate his claims. My marriage deteriorated and I separated from my husband. During this time, my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend found out about me while looking through his phone. She got my number and held on to it for months. Fast forward – Six to Seven months later – things deteriorate with my boyfriend and I. It seems the “ex girlfriend” is NOT an ex after all. He’s been playing both of us. She calls me one night and we hash everything out. They’ve had an on-again (mostly on) and off again relationship / long distance and I’m not the first ‘affair’ he’s had over the span of their ten year relationship. Nice. She friends me on Facebook.. I break things off with the boyfriend. She says she’s going to as well. Except they stay together. He comes back around a few weeks later.. and I caved in. (yeah.. it was a hard time for me). This was a year ago. We’ve been on the down-low seeing each other. They stayed together (in his words) for financial reasons. I (for pretty much the same reasons) let my husband move back in about 8 months ago. So now we’re both cheating. Not a pretty story – judge all you want BUT.. here’s where the stalking questions come in. I changed my phone number about 4 months ago. About a month ago… I started getting phone numbers from a woman (sounded suspiciously like her) but whoever it is dialing *67 and blocking her number. I can’t prove it’s her. She’s asking for me by name and even wanted to confirm my home address…. I didn’t confirm. She calls several times a week – and I believe she got my phone number when HE carelessly left his phone bill (unopened) out on his dining room table (steamed it open?). Illegal right? This weekend, she saw me in public and then messaged me on Facebook. She accused me of contacting her boyfriend and made it sound as though I’m doing the pursuing and that he’d confessed and that I’m pursuing both of them. She’s called my cell phone twice since then. (Btw.. I’m not doing the pursuing and i don’t make any attempts to contact her at all – EVER). I suspect she has driven past my house. She knows my address. I have her blocked on Facebook now, but how can I prove it’s her doing the calling, and is this enough to make a report to the police?

  21. Laurie says:

    Dear Jennifer,

    It is scary, when someone is looking you up online! Especially when he was verbally abusive, and when you don’t know what his intentions are.

    I think it’s important to learn the difference between a real threat versus an annoying person. What makes you think your ex-stepfather might hurt you? Is he “stalking” you, or just interested in what you and your mom are doing now?

    You can’t change his behavior, or stop him from stalking you — especially if he hasn’t threatened you or done anything to warrant calling the police. But, you can protect yourself as much as possible. For instance, don’t post your whereabouts online, when you’re going out with friends. Don’t give him clues about your life or activities if you think he might show up and cause problems. It’s not fair that you have to protect yourself this way, but it’s the best way to guard yourself. And, always be aware of your surroundings — especially if you think he wants to harm you.

    It doesn’t sound like he’s really stalking you…it sounds like he just wants to stay in touch with your mom. Why does this make you so uncomfortable? Do you think he might hurt her or you?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  22. Jennifer says:

    When my mother and I moved to the U.S from Russia my mom married a man which he became my step-father. He never loved his 3 kids before me from his previous marriages. He never has abused me, but abused my mom with verbal abuse.(Never hit or slapped) They did get a divorce and now my mother is remarried and we are living much happier lives. One thing bothers me though…he texts my mom a couple of times a year. They are not threatening or anything, just telling how life is from where we lived. Also, he has found me on a social media site and my mother to. I feel like he is stalking us and everything. Why is he searching us online?!?!?! It is really scary to think about. What can I do? I want to put him into jail for being such a stalker and a restraining won’t work on him. HIs brother is a police investigator and he gets away with it all. My mom isn’t scared, but I am. What can I do about it? We don’t have money to go to court. So, what will make me feel safer again? I hope you can help.

  23. Laurie says:

    Dear Jennifer,

    It is scary, when someone is looking you up online! Especially when he was verbally abusive, and when you don’t know what his intentions are.

    I think it’s important to learn the difference between a real threat versus an annoying person. What makes you think your ex-stepfather might hurt you? Is he “stalking” you, or just interested in what you and your mom are doing now?

    You can’t change his behavior, or stop him from stalking you — especially if he hasn’t threatened you or done anything to warrant calling the police. But, you can protect yourself as much as possible. For instance, don’t post your whereabouts online, when you’re going out with friends. Don’t give him clues about your life or activities if you think he might show up and cause problems. It’s not fair that you have to protect yourself this way, but it’s the best way to guard yourself. And, always be aware of your surroundings — especially if you think he wants to harm you.

    It doesn’t sound like he’s really stalking you…it sounds like he just wants to stay in touch with your mom. Why does this make you so uncomfortable? Do you think he might hurt her or you?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  24. Jennifer says:

    When my mother and I moved to the U.S from Russia my mom married a man which he became my step-father. He never loved his 3 kids before me from his previous marriages. He never has abused me, but abused my mom with verbal abuse.(Never hit or slapped) They did get a divorce and now my mother is remarried and we are living much happier lives. One thing bothers me though…he texts my mom a couple of times a year. They are not threatening or anything, just telling how life is from where we lived. Also, he has found me on a social media site and my mother to. I feel like he is stalking us and everything. Why is he searching us online?!?!?! It is really scary to think about. What can I do? I want to put him into jail for being such a stalker and a restraining won’t work on him. HIs brother is a police investigator and he gets away with it all. My mom isn’t scared, but I am. What can I do about it? We don’t have money to go to court. So, what will make me feel safer again? I hope you can help.

  25. Laurie says:

    Dear Ms. Kennedy,

    Is it possible for you to leave the city you’re living in? That might be the best way to stop your ex-husband from stalking you and your family, to just walk away and start over new. And if he follows you there, the police force you contact will not be part of the same brotherhood, perhaps.

    What do you think – how difficult would it be to leave and start over?

  26. Ms. Kennedy says:

    My ex-husband is a police officer who has been stalking me for 5 years. I have gone to the police and there is brotherhood involved. He has been harassing my boyfriends, girlfriends, everybody. I have emails sent from my email account to friends that were sent by him. He calls my phone, my boyfriends phone from made up phone numbers and harasses them. This man is remarried and should leave me alone but it is not happening. This man even bought a house 2 blocks from where I live. He is a compulsive liar and told his new wife he was married once when in fact this is his 4th or 5th marriage. He thinks because he is a cop he is above the law. His ex-wife ended up moving across the United States because this fool was harassing her too. I hope and pray his mail order wife takes him to the cleaners as this man is so evil. I am scared and to be honest, worry he may kill me one day and I will have to move.

  27. Laurie says:

    Hi Nancy,

    That is freaky, that someone from so long ago would suddenly reappear in your life! It must feel unsettling and scary.

    I think contacting a victim’s center is a really good idea — you should do it right away! And, call the police. I don’t know if you had a restraining order against your stalker 12 years ago, but it’s probably worthwhile to check in with them.

    It might also be a good idea to invite a friend or family member to stay with you for a few days, or for you to stay with someone at their place. And, think about getting a dog. When my purse was stolen, the police told me that a dog is the best home alarm system you could get.

    I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful. Anika is right, though – it’s good that you know your stalker is back in your life. Better to be aware than ignorant.

    Let us know what the victim’s support center advises.

    Blessings and safety,
    Laurie

  28. anika says:

    in a sense you are “lucky” she has called you directly as that could later be used as evidence should it get that far- i have/had a sick obsessive stalker who used other people to harass-(he was my ex boss!!) -why they were so easy to manipulate to do his bidding i will never know-my guess is that he massaged their ego in some way….., it made me feel even more vulnerable as i felt very isolated with this tactic –anyway change your number and record everything as its easy to remember how you feel but not the facts! inform those that are closest to you and when/if you have enough evidence take it to law enforcement-in the mean time try and pack your days with meaningful things to distract you entirely….

  29. Nancy Withrow says:

    Forgive me; I am not commenting on the previous question but rather seeking help. Please assist me! I was a victim advocate for 22 years. One of my clients became safe and well… She became a volunteer and a part time employee with my agency. She subsequently cyberstalked me, made contact with my elderly parents, impersonated me online and made vague threats to break into my home. My employer (at the time) fired her and made clear she should have no contact with me. I have not heard from her since then. I no longer work there. That was 12 years ago; last night I received 3 calls from her. Although I did not know her identity I told her in no uncertain terms; ” I don’t know who you are or who you are attempting to reach; you must have a wrong number. I consider your calls to be harrassment; do not contact me again”. I called my cell phone carrier and blocked that number from callimg me for 90 days. Today I did an internet search on the phone number and discovered she was my stalker from 12 years ago. I am so freaked out that someone from so long ago would contact me. I changed my email password and intend to contact a victim’s center to create a safety plan. I also recontacted my phone carrier who warned me of “snooping”. I am a hetrosexual female. My stalker is female. We never had a relationship other than professional. I feel so upset and vulnerable. Please advise… Thank you in advance for any asistance.

  30. Laurie says:

    Dear soulblazer,

    It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life! This guy is bordering on stalking you, you are struggling with your mom, and you feel frustrated.

    I wish I had the answers for you, but I do not. I think the best advice I can give you is to talk to a counselor, and figure out your best strategy. Do you want to live on your own, so you do not have to fight with your mom about who you see? Do you want to learn how to have a good relationship with her, and stay living with her?

    Those are questions a counselor can help you sort out. It is too complicated to tackle alone, even with online help!

    What do you think – can you call a counselor?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  31. soulblazer says:

    I was at the college library waiting for a friend (I was there to teach him English), I left for a sec to the bathroom and accidentally ran into a disabled guy (we moves around using crutches). I felt bad for him, we went back to the library, talked for a while, I taught he was a really nice guy and gave him my number (to be JUST friends), talked a little more and I showed him some drawings and he liked them. Later, I said: “It’s late, I think my friend is not gonna come, I’m going home”. He grabbed my hand and kiss me (my first kiss was by force -__-), I got mad then he grabbed my hand so tight, and started to slightly touch my back and hair. I tried to leave, but he didn’t let my hand go, and I couldn’t slap him because there were people who would watch me hitting a disabled person and I could get expelled (he even treatened me about that). Every time I stood up from the chair, he did the same! Lucky for me, my friend arrived and the guy had to leave.

    If I knew his true colors, I would not give him my phone number…
    A couple of days later, the phone rang and it was him, he remembered my drawing skills and asked me to DRAW HIM NAKED EXACTLY LIKE THE LADY FROM TITANIC (WTF!)and ordered me to TELLING HIM THE COLOR OF MY UNDERWEAR. I hung up. One day, he called and my mom answered, and the bastard acted like a nice guy, my mom give him her cellphone, and arranged a meeting on the city. When my mom saw him, she cried and felt pity for him and since they meet she goes like: “Oh poor thing!”

    Well, I told my mom: “If the phone rang and it is him, tell him I’m not home or something”. She was infuriated: “HE’S A DISABLED BOY AND HE’S STUDYING! BE THANKFUL TO GOD YOU ARE A HEALTHY GIRL! HOW COULD YOU BE SO INTOLERANT TO THIS POOR BOY!” I tried to tell her , what was going on and the things he has said to me, but she goes on: “HE WOULDN’T DO SUCH THING, YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD FOR TELLING THOSE TERRIBLE LIES ABOUT A ILL PERSON. YOU ARE MAKING THAT UP BECAUSE YOU ARE INTOLERANT TO DISABLE PEOPLE AND HATE MAKING FRIENDS”

    Every time he calls, my mom forces me to answer because “you have to be nice to disabled people and refusing to answer a phone call it’s not polite” . One time, she said my best friend was calling and it was a lie, it was that bastard. I want to get a restriction order but my mom says: Wouldn’t break your heart, having a disabled sweet boy arrested?”

    On my birthday, she wanted to invited him and I opposed (he would memorize my address and getting rid of him would be impossible): “If you invite him, good luck organizing this birthday party without the birthday girl. If I saw him enter through this door, I will leave until the party is over.” She couldn’t invite him but ignored me during the whole party. I know if I get the restriction order, my mom will stop talking to me forever, but I can not live like this.

    My mom is obsessed about me getting married, but I don’t want marry EVER. I don’t have much friends, I have trouble being social, I don’t like being touched (that’s why I hate this the most), I shake hands to everyone (even close friends) because I don’t want their lips on my cheeks… it’s uncomfortable to me having physical contact to others, I don’t like jokes because mostly I don’t get them. There are even uncomfortable sounds (applause, sneezes) I don’t like. A neighbor told my mom that those behaviors could be Asperger’s (I’m not diagnosed and I don’t even care if I really were) and I would get a hard time finding a husband, even a boyfriend. She definitely believed him and she’s convinced on his words. Since the person told her that, she is worried about not having grandchildren. That worry plus her pity is a lethal combination = she does not believe me, she thinks is an effort to avoid social contact and discrimination against the guy.

    What could I do? I need her to believe me, not him. Plus, what can I do in order to make her accept me for who I am, Asperger’s or not who cares?

  32. Laurie says:

    Dear scared, tired, and stressed,

    It is time for you to take drastic measures – you need to protect yourself from being stalked by your ex-husband!

    Can you move to a different state, province, or even country? Sometimes the only way to be safe from the emotional and physical threats and behaviors of a stalker is to move away. Start over. I know it’s not easy, and it’s definitely not fair, but it’s better in the long run.

    Have you called a women’s help line or shelter? They often have good advice on how to deal with stalking behavior.

    I know you’re tired of dealing with this, and it seems impossible to do something as big as move away…but just let the thought percolate in your mind for a little while.

    Let me know how things are going. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  33. scared, tired & STRESSED says:

    My ex-husband has been stalking me since our divorce. He tried to get my cell phone records from the cell phone company, my voicemails were being erased and I couldn’t figure out how, until I changed my password. The phone company called me later and told me someone had tried over 200 times to enter my password. He used to send two or three texed letters to my work every day, mostly full of lies. He called and left messages of him cocking a gun. When he had our son at his house he would call and leave urgent messages saying something was wrong with our son and then I couldn’t get in touch with him. This has been going on for ten years. My truck had acid poured all over it and it ate the paint off. My riding mower had sugar put in the gas tank. My yard and front porch had gasoline poured all over it. He shows up where ever I go. The bad thing is he has been re-married for 10 years and she follows me too. She drives by my mother’s house almost every day…sometimes two or three times a day. She calls and sends texts to me and my son so often I had to pay to have her number blocked.

    My last car was scratched up in my yard, so I have four cameras around my house. This past summer my son found our house key in her jewlry box!!!!! How do I know it was ours? It was a certain key (special made with a particular color and print) and when he brought it home, it opened our door!! I had new locks installed the next day. This being the second time, because I came home one day with my front door knob hanging loose and had to change it then too. Certian things had been moved in my house. I just thought I was going crazy or getting forgetful.

    My vehicle would be locked, but the light was on inside and the glovebox was opened on more than one occasion.

    They show up everywhere I go. Even today I went out of town to a flea market an hour away and guess who shows up…you guessed it. I don’t know how he knows how to find me!! I have had it!!! I am so tired.

  34. Laurie says:

    Dear Sarah,

    Have you been able to get away from him, or find ways to protect yourself from this stalker?

    Keep reporting him to the police, keep talking about him, and make sure people know where you are at all times.

    Have you decided to sell your home, and move. Sometimes – as unfair as it is – it’s the only way to protect yourself from a stalker.

  35. sarah joclyn says:

    Goes without saying this isnt my real name….I fell pregnant by a guy I had been seeing 6 months, although I was happy about it as I am getting older and wanted a baby, I sort of knew he wasnt the one for me. A month before my baby came along, i found the guy had been seeing his neighbour! I was hurt and very humiliated, although I wasnt in love with him, I still assumed the baby was important enough for him not to stray…anyway…we split up…since then, i have been hounded and hounded by him. I cant even begin to describe what I have been going through. He has parked out the front of my house, followed me to supermarkets, followed me around supermarkets when I have had the baby with me so its hard for me to cause a scene. He calls and texts up to 100 times a day, he has threatened to report me to the RSPCA for being cruel to my dogs. This worried me so much I gave the dogs away as I always say theres no smoke without fire. He’s also said he will report me to social services for neglecting my baby, he has threatened to get intouch with the local mental health hospital to have me admitted…he also has said in the past that as the dad to my baby, they would take notice of him!!! He calls me fat, ugly, I have been called a whore, spat at, headbutted, had my car windows put out, plant pots in my garden smashed, I have had to place a padlock on my front gate to allow myself the extra few seconds to escape to the kitched with my baby if I hear him attempting to come up the path, I have disconnected my land line, email address has been changed, my door bell has been disconnected as he would ring it at all hours. I look out of the window and scan the street for his car before leaving my home…I now have to park my car in the next street for peace of mind, I have had to call the police because he has phoned me from his own home saying he was about to kill himself, I literally live in my kitchen now which is at the rear of the house and wont allow my baby in my front room until I have called my neighbours to ask them if its safe to open the blinds….I am in a living hell and apart from calling the police theres nothing else I can do apart from selling up and leaving my own home.

  36. Laurie says:

    Dear Anna,

    Yes I think you should change your email address! That guy will never know that you changed your email; he’ll just keep emailing you at your old address. Don’t tell him you’ve changed.

    And, tell the police that he is stalking you. They may not be able to do anything, but it’s important that they know you’re being stalked. Maybe they can start a file.

    You said something about your mom and the police. I think you should listen the advice the police give you, because they know more about stalking. Definitely stop replying to his messages, and ask the police what they recommend you do for stalkers.

    If he’s been stalking you for a year, then he won’t just go away. I don’t know if you need to move out and change your name because I don’t know all the details….but I do think you need to talk to the police, and do what they say.

    Make sure that someone knows where you are all the time. Keep commenting here, to let us know how you’re doing.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  37. Anna says:

    I have been stalked for almost a year. I met a men at online dating wesbite. I met him about 6-7 times. He lived in a different city. And he started to be very nice, too nice. Sending me love messages and he commented my facebook photos, that my photos (btw normal profile photos fully dress quite modest/ little makeup). He was quite controlling. So I told him that we cannot meet anymore.

    And he shown his other side…
    He started sending me 60 messages a day!!!!!! Emails, constant phone calls. He wrote ridiculous amount of messages, long and quite intimate. And that is the other thing we never kissed. And He wrote quite intimate messages.

    Situation is, I changed the address, he knows where I work. And he knows a lot about my school friiends, etc.

    He still got my emial. And emial me every few days. I wrote back very strong statements that WE WILL NEVER BE EVEN FREINDS etc.and that I am affraid of him. Didn’t help. His response was ‘your story almost made me cry’, you need my help, ‘ you dont know what is good for you’……………!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am affraid to chcnage emials, cause I am worry that he will try to find me.

    My Mum was on a police they prohibited me to reply to his messages.
    Please help me what to do?

    Will this person ever stop? Should I move out/ change name and leave all behind????

  38. KATE says:

    To all victims, if it gets realy bad and you lost control of your life, do consider changing living address and job and everything. You can do this if you feel the danger is big.

    Don’t EVER hope to scare them. They dont understand anything. They are not scared of anything.

    Take your measures by dissapearing, you can be sure they will target someone else once they lose you.

    I am amazed how the law and police havent developed more precise way of dealing with these sickos. Really amazed.

  39. Oakley says:

    So sorry to hear all the pain these people are causing. As a grad student studying stalking behaviors I feel I must add a few comments.
    First, do NOT communicate with these people. Period. No texts, tweets, emails, etc. Send it back unopened if it’s something in the mail. For the love of the Creator, no face2face meetings.

    As for the person who always gets something “red,” I’d say it’s not a good sign. Red is typically a color associated with power and violent physical actions; also a color associated with passion, leaving you these “red” offerings is like the stalker is leaving you a reminder that he can make you bleed. Sorry to be so blunt but until we ALL understand that no stalker is without the capability to be physically violent, we won’t make any progress toward solving the situation.

    In the event the stalker forces you into a face-2-face confrontation, you MUST be ready to do whatever it takes to save your own life. I don’t care how many orders of protection or restraining orders you have against these creeps. I don’t care how many times the cops come & arrest them; they’ll be out in a few hours & they’ll be back. So, DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO LIVE!! Say whatever it takes to live! Endure, b/c you are the one who knows (deep down, you do) what these monsters want. You know their fantasies, you know where they live(down in the cobwebbed valleys of their souls). It might be disgusting but I’d crawl through all kinds of filth to live. I’ll allow a limited amount of intimacy in order to live. I’ll deal with the PTSD, people live with that all the time, but I’ll do what I have to to live!

    How will you know? The gift of fear. Don’t discount that “little voice” when it tells you something isn’t right. That’s the gift of fear. When you feel it, do something different, do ANYTHING different. Wait an extra 30 seconds to leave the house. Use a different road to work or school, even if it’s a little out of the way. Your mind & body are trying to save your life. They’re picking up on signals your conscious brain wants to ignore.

    My story: Had a friend once, she was a psychologist(seriously, how weird was that). She & her hubby had a condo at the beach. She & her family were going there for vacation & asked our family to join them. We did for a weekend only. As time progressed my friend began behaving very strangely. She wasn’t bathing or sleeping or participating with the rest of us. She’d sit in the corner & stare at me. On the morning we were to leave, she asked me to accompany her on a stroll down the beach. I went. It was very early AM. About 200 yds down the beach she stopped me, told me how much she loved me & how she wanted us to be lovers! She had a knife and she was moving it all over me, up & down my face, down between my breasts. That was bad but worse was the look in her eyes. I don’t know who she became that day but my friend was gone! Only a few ppl were on the beach. I’d be very dead b4 anyone found me if I pissed her off. What did I do? I let the psycho kiss me & I told her what she wanted to hear: “I’m so glad you told me this, I was wondering how you felt, Sure summer lovers sounds great.” I told her what she wanted to hear so I could get off that damned beach and back home. And, except for the phone call later where I told her I needed a break from our friendship, I never communicated with her again….but, you must understand, she knew me, knew I owned handguns & how to use them & was/am willing to do so. As far as I’m concerned, you get near my house, you’re here to hurt my children. What I might hesitate to do for myself, I will do without thought to protect one of them! When I started re-evaluating the relationship I realized how very like stalking it had been–the multiple phone calls daily, the constant questions about who I was with & why, etc, etc. I don’t have to detail it all, you all know.

    Stay strong all of you. Don’t rely simply on the police. How can they care more about you than you care about yourself? Take a self-defense class, get the taser but be committed to carrying AND USING it! Otherwise it’s a waste of money. Get the pepper spray. Carry it. But above all CHANGE YOUR THINKING! Everywhere you are, be AWARE. Look around b4 you get out of the car. Does it look normal? What are those 2 ppl doing just sitting in that car? Is that guy over there really leaning against the building reading a newspaper? Is is reasonable for him to do so? (IOW, is it too hot, too cold, too wet to stand outside reading?) Etc. And, USE your BRAIN! Ask yourself, if my stalker jumped out at me right now what options would I have to defend myself? Am I parked/walking in a safe place?
    Don’t be lazy people! I know it’s unfair for you to have to think about this everyday for the rest of your (or your stalker’s) life but GET OVER IT. This is the way things are. Everyone has challenges, these are yours. Own them. Deal with them. Make a plan for surviving them.
    It’s been many years since that walk on the beach, decades! but just last week, while at the grocery store, I noticed a guy I had spoke to inside the store (it amounted to just a little “sorry” because my buggy bumped his) when he made his second circuit of the parking lot around my vehicle. He was scoping me out. For what I don’t know. But I know this, I stood my ground & I watched him as he drove by & I didn’t flinch & I took down his license plate # & I kept an eye out for his vehicle on the way home. And even now, I’ve not forgotten him. I know his type. They are always slinking around.
    Blessings & Peace.

  40. Laurie says:

    A reader described her experience with her ex-boyfriend, who stalked her by manipulating her online accounts, financial accounts, and even her name online – which affects her reputation and future. He was physically violent, and she filed several police reports against him. He wasn’t just stalking her – he was like a man possessed! It was awful to read about – I can’t imagine living through it.

    If you’re being stalked, please don’t try to protect yourself alone. You don’t know how violent or crazy the stalker may get.

    This reader is coping with post traumatic stress disorder because of the horrible things her stalker did.

    I want all girls who are starting to date – and even women! – to recognize controlling, manipulative men from day one. One of the best ways to stop a stalker is to shut him down from the very beginning.

    I would like to ask the woman who wrote about her stalker – she asked that her comment not be published – if she spotted any red flags or warning signals at the beginning of the relationship. I might even ask her if I can interview her, to help other women protect themselves!

    If you’re being stalked, get help in person! Don’t let it build up into something serious and life-threatening.

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  41. nikki says:

    I am sorry to hear about William’s loss. I am going through a similar situation. I have been stalked for over 5 years by an ex-student of mine. At first I didn’t know it was stalking, I thought it was just a crush and that it would go away. As i was his tutor, I tried to help him get over me but things escalated and before I knew it I was being stalked. Phone calls, texts and emails, and as he was my student not only he was at my work, he was actually in class with me. And like William’s late fiancee I tried to appease the situation to avoid scenes outside my house/work and didn’t let my husband get involved. First, I didn’t want him to ‘worry for nothing’ and second I didn’t want him to ask me to cut him out as he was suicidal. The only reason I stayed in touch was because he was continuously threatening to commit suicide. The more he threatened the more I gave in. I replied to all his texts, emails and answered his calls just to make him feel better. I didn’t know what to do to appease him, whenever he stopped me I would go for walks with him, tried to make him feel better but nothing seemed enough. The more I gave him the more he wanted and at the end his demands were impossible. I was suffocating and felt I was drowning. I never gave him any hope, on the contrary, I always encouraged him to go out with other women and tried to make him see sense but to no avail. It was difficult for me to stop, he got used to me replying to his texts and be there for him. In the last few months, he started showing signs of aggressiveness and extreme jealousy to the point where he would be jealous if I did anything for my children. Two weeks ago, as I was parking outside my house, he snatched my keys and handbag off me and started humiliating me in front of the neighbours. He did all this because he wanted me to go to his house ‘to talk things through’ and of course as I said no, he went crazy and started threatening to kill himself. To cut a long story short, about an hour later as I was driving with my son (I was using the spare key) I saw him parked on a nearby street, I stopped and got out of the car to get my stuff back. As he saw us approaching his car, he pulled out and was about to drive off when my son banged on his window to try and stop him. Instead of stopping he reversed aggressively towards my son to scare him off and drove off with my stuff. When I saw this, my blood boiled and it didn’t take me a second to call the police. He was arrested the same night and was given a ‘no contact’ warning. The first contact he makes with me, he would get arrested and will be sent to prison.
    I feel very guilty being nice to him and I’m blaming myself for the escalation of things but at the same time I had no other choice. He was threatening to kill himself and I was convinced that I would make him stop. Now I’m too scared he would turn nasty and harm anyone in my family or that he would carry out his threats and commit suicide. I’m just hoping this is just talk but when I think of what he used to say, I shiver. His suicidal thoughts were so real and descriptive and I am psychologically scarred. I am going though a terrible time, I feel guilt, shame, embarrassment and I don’t know what is going to happen next. I can’t think straight and I am seeing a counsellor soon.
    For all those who are experiencing stalking, no matter how embarrassed you feel about it, DON’T DO IT ALONE. These people want you to be alone so they can control you and that was my biggest mistake.

  42. Jay says:

    What is the significance of gifts being left on doorstep every 2 or so weeks, they are always red. todays ‘gift’ was a red coffee mug with the word ‘heart’ on it. I sort of understand the nutty message but the red colour is a bit freaky.

  43. William Wisner says:

    Last Sunday night my dearest and most beloved fiancee Jenny Lyn was killed by her ex-boyfriend who was stalking her in HonG Kong at a nursing conference. She was so beautiful at age 24 that her friends urged her to enter the Miss Universe pageant. We were to be married this spring and talked of our upcoming family we would have, which was so important to her since she was an orphan. Jenny made many errors with this man, however, and I’m trying to get the word out, just as this article is. She didn’t Tell me what was happening–so I couldn’t help or protect her–he was isolating her. Of course she let him physically near her and in his control–she actually was persuaded to get in the car to avoid a major scene at the conference–he jammed the accelerator and they hit three other cars. He was killed, thank god. Jenny died some hours later at the hospital. She had no protection either, that I am aware–no pepper spray, no gun, etc. Because I was in the States and she was in the Far East, these things developed with out my knowing. Jenny was worried about worrying me–and she was appeasing the stalker–never try to do that. You cant reason with a psychotic. Apparently a letter exists and is being sent to me among her personal effects–a sort of farewell to me. I think she knew what was coming. MY HEART IS BROKEN. SHE DIED ALONE, TO MY ETERNAL SHAME.

  44. Veronica says:

    im 16 and from illinois. I had a boyfriend two years back and now he is 18. Our romance lasted a couple of weeks because i got freaked out when he said he wanted 7 children with me & that i had great birthing hips…. Anyways, we remained friends for a while. i had a boyfriend soon after breaking up with him , i lasted with him 8 months and cared about him deeply.. well he found out of my boyfriend and it went down hill from there. he calls and sends me text messages EVERY DAY..sometimes hes mad and calls me names and other times hes happy and says he still loves me and is all romantic. and other times hes just sexual…im to the point where i dont know what to do get him to leave me alone. one time he even came to my school looking for me saying he was my brother trying to pick me up. Ive threatened him telling him im gonna delete his number, block him, or get a restraining order. but he simply doesnt get it. he has an idea that were gonna be together. and on my phone i have a “signature” that says “Vero&Psycho<3" my current boyfriend's nickname is psycho & he says "im glad you see were supposed to be together, cuz im your psycho, baby i love you" & all this & its really really creepy.. he says i cheated on him and broke his heart but although im a wh**e he still loves me. i never cheated and im not a wh**e. so i dont know what to do 🙁 what can i do to get this 18 yr old off my back -_-"

  45. cheryl says:

    I live in Arkansas and I have been stalked and harasses by all means by this female from multiple calls, to vandalism of any and every vehicle that I have owned, harassing family, attempting to kidnap my daughter, terroristic threatening, vulger text messages, obsene phone calls to my jobs, just terrorizing me and anyone close to me since 1996. She is my husbands ex. I filed multiple police reports, applications for warrants, been to court, and more charges are pending. She ran me off the road in Memphis in 2009-no charges were filed by police there. There is currently a restraining order against her as a pretrial one. I hope this time it will be enough to make her stop. In September, I caught her trying to vandalize my vehicle. Any suggestions for legal help?

  46. celeste says:

    I cirrently have a stalker. I am so scared. This has been going on for quite some time . I shudder to think longer than I probably know. What’s worse is we work together. He’s had me followed by people. I know this because every time I’m out with friends someone is always staring at me. What’s worse is when I came back from vacation he started getting loud about information he found about me. I know my car is bugged my bathroom I’m positive has a camera. The only reason I know this is because he talks about it to my coworkers about how cute I look when I wake up in the morning or what I said to one of my friends while I was talking to them in my car. Worse is he knows quite a lot about me. He’s engaged and I believe he had feelings for me. I want to get the police involved and want this to stop!! I think he may have already removed the bug from my car. He was telling people about it and letting them listen in on what was being said while I was in my car. He also took my phone and read my texts and emails to people not to mention my fb page. I’m scared to go to work everday. And worse I’m scared if he’s capable of doing all this what else is he capable of. I know he has a family too. Its pretty messed up and angers me. I just don’t know what to do. My heart goes out to anyone who has had this happen!

  47. Rebecca says:

    I was stalked for 11 months. It was the scariest time of my life. I was mostly fearing for my own safety but also the safety of others around me who might try to help me and stop my stalker. My stalker called me at least 400 calls in 3 months if not more, followed/chased me on the streets numerous times, harassed me at a weekly social lunch and gave me unwanted gifts there each week along with weekly unwanted gifts in my mailbox, watched me from outside my balcony, really yelled at me a couple nights (once when he was following me and another time when he was watching me from outside my balcony), spread lies about me that was his attempt to get me in trouble with other people or that would embarass me to other people-all lies what he said about me to others, threatened to kill at least one person who stood up to him, was addicted to drugs (crystal meth being the worst one) and alcohol. I tried so many things to help my situation but it was the police who saved me from my stalker. If it weren’t for the police, I would still be stalked right now and I am sure if it was still continuing, it would continue to get worse and worse. I was also harassed by my stalker’s younger brother before I was stalked by him and I also told the police about what his younger brother did just like when I later gave a much longer statement to the police about what my stalker was doing. As of now, because the police saved me from my stalker, I have the utmost respect for them and can’t thank them enough, especially the one officer (who did a top notch job) who really did a lot to save me from my stalker.

  48. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Wendy,

    I hope your stalker has left you alone, and that you’re not a victim anymore! Coping with stalking behavior is awful, especially if you can’t just pick up and move – or if the stalker targets your family members.

    Thanks for your comment.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  49. Wendy says:

    I was stalked for about 3 months and it was the scariest time of my life. I never knew when the stalker would show up or what he’d say. I was also scared for my parents, who would have no idea how to cope with a stalker! Thanks for this article, I hope it helps other people get rid of stalkers.

  50. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Pamela,

    I’m glad you called the police, and his stalking behavior seems to have quietened down! But I agree with your friends: do not let your guard down. If you’ve ever wanted a dog, this is a good time to get one. You don’t even need a scary guard dog – any dog can be off putting.

    Stay safe. If you can afford to get away for a couple of months, do it! Hopefully, he’ll get tired of stalking you. Even better, hopefully he’ll get caught doing something by the police and get thrown in the jail.

    Thanks for sharing your story here; I hope you come back and let me know how you’re doing.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  51. pamela says:

    I am being stalked. Flowers on my porch,cards saying that he still loves me,hanging baskets out on my picnic table. Showed up in the parking lot at work. He goes out to my daughter and son in laws. My son in law says he doesn’t want to be involved. Sometimes i have a feeling that he is in my yard watching me. I have called the police and kept a journal of everything that has happened with the date and time. He e-mailed me and threatened me in the beginning. I blocked my cell and house phone,he then e-mailed me to say that he can no longer text me because i blocked his number. I found out all about this guy. Married 2 times i found out a lot from first wife. Left his kids,alcoholic,got a DUI and wife number 2 had a PFA on him. He put on a good front. Everyone liked him and my daughter and son in law we all got along great. He remodeled my house and would fix anything. I now know that it was a form of control. S. Wife number 2 wass 18 years younger. This matter is now in the police hands. He has been served with a citation and I haven’t been bothered lately. My friends tell me though not to let my guard down. I have come to realize if it is too good to be true it is worth looking into.

  52. yssebelle says:

    girls below the age of 18 shouldn’t date a guy over 20, unless he doesn’t show narcisisitic behaviour, such as drug abuse in young men, druggies tend to become abusive and specialy those who’ve been abused themselves. I was 17 wen i discovered my bf at the time was stalking me, al the signs of sudden break ins were there. I saw him jumping over my wall. Stalking Is not a joke, the dark fear that comes with it is destructive, never mind the stalker. Never try and fight back, this only makes you look stupid especialy when he makes you a fool in front of everyone but denies his own sick fantasy that you had to endure. In the end he gets away, but you leave broken and destroyed. Get the law involved. Stalkers have no feeling for his victims, he just can’t handle the fact that his ‘feel good supply’ wants him out of her life.

  53. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    This is great advice for coping with stalkers — thank you!

    And remember that documenting a stalker’s attempts to contact or disrupt your life can include text messages, emails, phone messages, and human witnesses. Even keeping a journal or diary can be an effective tip for coping with stalkers, because it provides a running account of contact.

    If you’re coping with a stalker, please contact the police, a lawyer, or legal aid. Don’t ignore the attempts to harrass you — the sooner you take action, the better!

  54. Light says:

    In order to convince anyone of anything, legal or otherwise, is a simple situation of documentation. Documentation is the save all in a stalking situation. Documentation can very quickly turn the tables on someone who is stalking you. Documentation always holds up in court. Documentation is factual by nature. If you are a victim of stalking, get a video camera and/or a microphone. Documentation is the most aggressive form of self-defense. Documentation can procure reparations in the form of monetary reimbursement in the court of law due to the illegal, criminal, felonious actions perpetrated by a stalking criminal.

  55. Laurie PK says:

    Thanks for your comment, Jerry. Coping with stalkers is scary stuff, and I’m glad this list offers accurate info!

  56. Jerry Pera says:

    As a private investigator, I must say that this list is right on the money.

    If you know of anyone in the State of Idaho, USA, who is dealing with a stalker (or a third party), my investigations firm can help gather the evidence needed to obtain a restraining order, harrassment charge, and any other relevent legal proceedings.

  57. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Cattie,

    It sounds like you’re in a very scary situation – especially being in a foreign country! The most effective way to convince his employer that he’s as abusive and threatening as he is, is to show them evidence. That is, if they heard or saw his threats, they’d be convinced pretty fast that he’s a potential stalker and abusive, too. But, that may be hard to do.

    If I were you, I’d take the return tickets home! As hard as it would be, I’d find a new way to earn money at home….because personal safety is far more important than living in fear.

    Can your employer or some other supportive network (even your country’ Embassy) help you out? You need to talk to someone where you are, to get protection and a plan of action.

    Good luck, Cattie. And don’t let it get too late, like it did for Jaye above.

    Best wishes, and feel free to write again,
    Laurie

  58. Cattie says:

    Give me tips on how to expose my ex- cruel actions before I go insane. My self esteem is sometimes very low with hopelessness every time he stirs my peace. Hardly 10days go by before an absurd thing is centre staged between us ( manufactured orchestrated by him ; Im always on the reeiving end}.

  59. Cattie says:

    Im separated and both of us living in same foreign country.My spouse has been very distractive manipulative and self absorbed.His threats to me of destroying me leave me scared of returning home of which is a less secure country.He brags to my relatives how he knows powerful agents and is influencing in status. Some believed his side of story but after continued drama,they think he is sick and dangerous .His employer loks the other way/hands off even when it is obvious he is stalking or abusing me emotionally. He tried all means to defame me , denied all abuse and planned to send me back to my country by convincing and processing my return tickets thru his employer.I refused to thru my attorney and the host State immigration retained me here due to my security and I got no other livelihood back home.
    Question is, can he really hire somebody to murder me with a 100$ as he used to scream at me ? I miss home but I dare not risk.
    Other Qst: His employer dos not think of him otherwise and they have been very unsupportive or trying to save face for the company. How do I convince them that my ex is sicker than he portrays himself in public?

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