How to Overcome the Pain of a Bad Breakup
These five tips on overcoming the pain of a bad breakup will help you find happiness again. If you’re ruminating or obsessing, you won’t heal from the break up. You need to focus on health and recovery.
I wrote 3 Powerful Secrets and 75 Tips for Healing Your Heart because I needed to learn how to let go of my sister. Letting her go was the most painful and difficult thing I ever did. To write this ebook, I interviewed life coaches, counselors, and grief coaches on letting go. I know how shocking, confusing, and heart-wrenching it is when you’re letting go of a loved one. It’s devastating – and it changes how you see yourself. Learning how to let go of someone you love is about rediscovering your passion and identity.
“This book changed my way of thinking,” says Samantha. “You have no idea how helpful this book is. I wish I had this information years ago. Bless you and what you have shared with the world.”
Ending a relationship hurts, even when you know you’re no good together. And just because it hurts to break up, doesn’t mean you’re supposed to stay together. A broken relationship may leave shards of glass behind…and you may need to walk away.
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” ~ Anonymous.
5 Tips for Overcoming the Pain of a Bad Breakup
These tips on how to get past the pain when he broke up with you are based on questions from readers, who often ask me how to heal after heartbreak.
1. Own your actions – you can take control
“I have been trying to get over my first love,” says S.S., on one of my other articles about overcoming a breakup. “But every time I decide to do that I end up contacting him or he tries to contact me.”
If you want to overcome the pain, you need to cut off all forms of contact. I know how hard it is, but taking control, finding your inner strength, and not responding when he contacts you or you want to contact him is one of the best ways to overcome a breakup. You need to take ownership over your life.
2. Listen to what he says, but believe what he does
“It has been over a year and half since he broke up with me but he still tells me he loves me every time we talk,” says S.S. “I want him to come back to me completely but he says he can’t do that.” If your ex-boyfriend says he can’t get back together with you, believe him. He may say he loves you — and he may truly love you — but if he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you. If he says he isn’t in love with you anymore, you need to focus on other – better – parts of your life. You must accept what he says and move on.
Yes, I know it’s difficult…but the sooner you can pull yourself together and overcome the pain of a bad breakup, the happier you’ll be.
3. Stop focusing on your problems, and what you can’t do
Maybe you can’t talk to your friends about the breakup, can’t contact a counselor for professional help, and can’t understand why you can’t heal the pain of a bad breakup and be happy again. Well, what CAN you do? What steps can you take towards your goals in life?
Your first step is to figure out what your short and long-term goals are. Where do you want to be in one month, three months, six months, and a year? Write those down. Then, underneath each goal (for instance, “feel happier and more confident about my future”), write three ways to accomplish that goal (eg, “spend time with people who are positive and optimistic”, or “start a volunteer job that makes me feel good about who and where I am”).
Stop focusing on the “I can’t” and “I wish” parts of life. Instead, move forward towards the goals you can achieve.
4. Stay connected to who you are – your authentic self
Many women are confused and uncertain about how they should act with their ex – especially if the breakup isn’t final, or the relationship is going through a rocky time. Here’s what Kathleen says: “How do I turn things around and be a fun girl to hang out with again? I’m confused and anxious about approaching any oncoming situation, even things as small as our next phone call, and who should initiate it!”
The best way to sidestep this type of anxiety is to stay in touch with your healthiest, happiest, most fulfilled self. To be happy again, you must do what you love to do, connect with friends and family who know you best, and express yourself in writing or other ways.
5. Keep your long-term life goals in mind
Step back from your emotions and feelings and yearnings for a moment. Answer these questions logically and rationally – write your answers in a journal or diary: Is your boyfriend the healthiest choice for you? Are his life goals in line with your long-term life goals? Is he emotionally, physically, and spiritually available to you? Does he want to work on your relationship? Does he bring out the best in you, and make you feel secure, loved, smart, and independent?
Think about your relationship with a cool head and calm mind…let yourself feel all those uncontrollable emotions and yearnings, but don’t get swept away in a tidal wave of hopeless, unrealistic love and devotion.
If you feel the sting of loneliness, read 7 Unexpected Ways to Stop Feeling Lonely Right Now.